I’m Trapped in an Abusive Marriage (What Do I Do?)
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
- I’m Trapped in an Abusive Marriage (What Do I Do?)
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"He's a horrible husband but an amazing father" is not possible. A man can't treat the mother of his children terribly and be a good father. This woman is so psychologically damaged. I hope she gets herself and her children away from that man.
Yep agree the two don't go together. The only reason she said that is she's justifying him. She's trying to make him a good dad when clearly he's not. A good dad is also a good husband.
Don’t kid yourself into thinking children don’t get impacted by the state of their parents marriage. They absorb that energy like a sponge 🧽
@@Spacemomma4426So somehow, as an adult, you still think your dad was superman even tho he treated your mom like trash?!🤔 A person cant be "good" if they treat one person great but another horribly. Sounds like you inherited some delusion from him
@@Spacemomma4426a man who is toxic and abusive to his wife: that is abuse to the children. He is a wolf in sheep's skin to the children
It actually is possible. Some parents are even good to one child and not the other child. People can be kind and loving toward one person and mean and hateful to another person even in the same house.
My mom was in this EXACT position.
With a 4 yr old,
a 1 yr old,
and 3 mos pregnant.
She left.
He found us and almost killed her.
We moved again and hid from him.
No one believed he was an abuser, including the judge.
He never spent even a single night in jail.
He was awarded every other weekend visitation rights.
I was terrified of him.
It was hard for her and us.
Justice was never served to the abuser.
Five yrs later she remarried and he stopped the stalking.
I'm so glad it finally stopped. My heart breaks for what you've been through.
People don't realize women will stay to prevent the visitation rights forcing their child to spend more time with Dad than they would if they stayed married.
@SENSIF you are so right.
@@SENSEF 💯 %
My ex BF stalked until I got a new, huge BF who told him to back off. Amazing how that works.
Alone is better than this. I am speaking from experience, Ashley. I left an abusive marriage of 20 years with 3 kids with a little money and no parents to rely on. We lived in an apartment provided by the local battered women's shelter. We slept on the carpeted floor with no furniture. And it was 1000% better than living in a 2000 sq ft furnished house with a monster. Leave ... please, God ... leave.
💯
Ashley and I have been with an abuser..once the line of abuse gets moved they dont stop!! It gets worse and worse and they will keep pushing that line and you will get hurt honey..please leave!! It doesnt mean that the love for him stops but please love yourself and those babies more!! You cannot make him love you by staying..and your love doesnt change him...I love you and want you to be ok!! I have been there and it gets better and you will see more clearly once you are free!!!
Chill out..sheesh
@@self-employedsuccesssecret2983What a moronic comment. Spoken like someone who is an abuser.
Bless you for your heart felt words. Only a abused mother thats been there would offer such kind words.
This woman is incredibly brave.
Translation of what she was saying: “my husband has nearly killed me before. I broke myself to stay quiet enough to give him no reason to rage at me. He will definitely kill me or my children if he knows I’m talking. And he’ll stalk us if we leave. If I want my kids to live, I have to stay and accept it.
The police can’t offer protection from this level of abuse. She’s not giving up and being a martyr. She’s being held captive. There’s a difference.
Wow you think it’s that serious? Listening I knew something was off I was very confused
@@ethanrubin6679 The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to leave. She needs help and a place where she and her kids can be safe.
@@ethanrubin6679 Yes, it is THAT serious. Previous murder attempts, and even threats to kill her, and/or the children, shoot her to the top of the list of needing serious protection right now. Unfortunately, like many victims at that point, they believe if they can just appease the abuser, no harm will happen (wrong!) She is in huge denial as to the situation she is currently in.
You stated this woman’s situation perfectly.
This podcaster is just another person in along line of persons in this woman’s life attempting to shut her up with systemic punishment.
A man rages, woman must collect the children and raise them on her own . That is what our broken system has to offer, and this podcaster just drives another nail in her coffin.
Staying with this monster unfortunately, is far better for this lady than anything the police will do to her and her children.
This lady knows it too, you can her her clam up and double back and beg for this not to happen.
WTF. When will anyone wake up?
Yes!
This must be the toughest call. The mental state of abused people is so so difficult to penetrate. This is very heart breaking, cause I have seen this in someone very close to me.
It is not 'difficult to penetrate' at all. If you were in a bank, it got held up, and everyone there was threatened to be killed, how would you react?
Basically you behave, to try to buy time, and hopefully escape.
What you could do for your friend, is research whatever resources may be available locally. Shelters, exit planning, helping her move or secure her treasured items, whatever. Be the lifeline.
@@davinasquirrel7672 yeah people have literally no idea what they are talking about.
@@davinasquirrel7672doesn’t matter. They’ll leave when they’re ready. You don’t understand unless you’re there
@@Cafeallday222 I understand more than you know, and "when they are ready" is the least common reason. And spoken like a true outsider who knows little. Main reasons include lack of resources (places, financial), fear of retribution, mental state of being broken down in confidence, etc.
All of the reasons are generally overcome by some kind of outside support.
"When they are ready" is such a dumb assessment of the situation. "When they have adequate support" is actually the true answer. But getting to the bottom of why someone does not make that move is the critical factor.
She’s scared to say what’s in her head. It doesn’t matter how nicely she says it to him, it will be the wrong time , wrong tone wrong words. You can’t communicate properly with an abuser. They immediately get defensive and play the victim and turn the situation around on you and at the end of it you end up apologizing to them. It’s frustrating and feels incredibly hopeless
It's true. You'll be crying because they've been ignoring you and they will somehow turn it into, "Your tears are your problem. You can't handle your emotions. You're needy and asking for too much." You believe them on some level and the train just keeps going.
Narcissist. That's what she's dealing with. He can easily attend to the kids while she does other stuff. Most likely he's on his phone the whole time.
And she’s expecting his THIRD child? Another baby won’t fix a broken marriage
Wow reading this just was like explaining my life and it's crazy to see it spelled out
@@adjectivenoun12 I’m so sorry that you understand this behavior and suffering. I wish you freedom and peace in your life❤️
I was in this almost same situation 2 years ago. My husband finally left me. At the time I was devastated but Omgosh I am SO happy 2 years out!!! Yes I am a single mother, but my body feels like it can finally breathe. And I can LIVE! I was a stay at home mother as well. Girl you GOT THIS.- from one single mom to another ❤
happy he left u, i hope you find a partner that will accept you and your baby and if not i hope you take care of yourself and the baby it’s what you deserve
When my baby was a month old I went through abuse. He beat the ish out of me and I called the police, got a restraining order, and pressed charges. He served a year in prison. I left with absolutely nothing and moved out of state with my newborn and 3 year old. I got a job and apt. You can do this. Now I am happy this happened 7 years ago. You can do this. Youre stronger than you know. My now husband is amazing. You will find better for you and your little ones.
How were you able to leave the state and start over if you had nothing? Genuinely interested
Help will come to the courageous@@NatalieS-kh3ck
@@NatalieS-kh3ck Through organizations that help battered women relocate away from their abusers.
Amazing story of strength and courage.
Thank you for sharing
Men and women, please recognize your love in not enough for an abuser. They don't love themselves, so they can't love you in the proper way.
Ladies, I would strongly reconsider having additional children with a person whose shown they're abusive. Go on birth control for a bit.
Even though your abuser may tell you you'll never be anything, or find anyone to love you - you are something very special and amazing. You will find a person who will value all of who you are.
Take back your voice!
Abusers choose good hearted people, they dont choose confident strong people to be with, they need someone who is empathic and compliant.
@@michellesimmons3150
Good people can be strong and confident too and they should. Because if they believe in the goodness and value of everybody except their own, then their goodness is questionable.
And it actually is because it's "people pleasing " not goodness. This is why they don't mind sacrificing their children's wellbeing whose approval they don't need , since children love and trust unconditionally
for the sake of the abuser whose validation they can't live without. They have a pattern of putting abusers above themselves and everyone else who actually loves and cares for them, and there's no sacrifice they wouldn't give for and to the abuser.
The main reason why people stay in abusive relationships has more to do with them than with "goodness " or the abuser, unless the abuser is locking them inside and taking the key.
Usually it's self loathing that convinces them they deserve that ( it's in the subconscious,not in the conscious mind) and the subconscious runs our lives regardless what we may vocalise to like or not want.
She has to deal with her deep beliefs about herself if she ever wants to be free
Abusers will also pretend at times to be who you fell in love with. They will keep you trapped in hope and despair.
They are narcissistic people who wear many different masks, depending on the occasion that benefits them and only them.
i disagree, they choose people with low self-esteem and a saviour complex. Mostly women who were very young when they met and see marriage as their biggest accomplishment, or have no options to turn to. A good hearted person would be unable to stand such evil and would leave. Most people i've noticed who stay give excuses because they aren't strong enough to leave @@michellesimmons3150
I was her just two years ago. Leaving was terrifying and it took me two years to realize I had no sense of worth from being in that relationship. Leave leave leave and use that better help he’s giving you.
You're courageous. I hope things got better for you. It's sad that these stories are so very common. Good on you for coming to the realization that things weren't gonna get better. You saved yourself and your kids. I hope life is treating you very well.❤🙏🏾💪🏽
Everyone says leave…but how when you are financially stuck. And you have no other emotional or mental support from your family.
It really sucks.
Also they will blame you for not giving him a chance and ending the relationship
Exactly, they (the people saying just leave) dont have to live with the consequences of that. They dont know if the man will stalk and kill her or her children, they dont know if she will be homeless. The country is bleeding money and the programs that help domestic violence victims, often cant help long if at all in some areas….she may not have family that will help or worse they may believe the abuser. Abusers are often charming and very manipulative.
Tell me about it. And it's not to be discouraging either. It's just the truth that all guys don't let you leave peacefully even when they are in the wrong. Especially when they know they have really no one to help or they feel as tho no one is there to help.
That's still not the worst case scenario. The worst case scenario is she could traumatize her kids and watch them become adult addicts or dysfunctional like their dad.
She could have a stillbirth because toxic fathers cause that to pregnant mothers according to Dr Gabor Maté
She could end up with autoimmune diseases and spend her old age in agony and spending the money she doesn't have to cope
Because being exposed to prolonged negative emotions increases women's possibility to have cancer by 70%, and auto immune diseases. She could die.
He could leave her penniless for another woman.
She thinks it's the best solution to stay , it's not. It's the safest in her mind that is focused on surface level thinking, not in reality or in the long run.
Exactly! It’s easy to say just leave, but it’s much more difficult than that. A lot of times, abuse victims don’t have anywhere to go. There are shelters, but there can be a lack of space and funding so sometimes people are turned away. Abusers also like to isolate their victims so they may not have anyone to reach out to for help. And if they are being financially abused, a lot of times they don’t have the funds to leave to get a hotel temporarily or a new place. That’s not to mention that a lot of abusers also track their victims by having cameras, gps devices, etc to know where the victim is at all times.
Sometimes you stay so that you don't have to split custody and you can keep your kid out of a more toxic environment. For fear they will be mistreated when you're not around.
Yes!
@@Spacemomma4426 I totally understand your story, and what you’re saying. I think it’s covert manipulation; and I object!
@@lisabradyusasometimes they are reasonable parents to the kids, but you know if you left them they would hurt the kids just to punish you.
@@stampandscrap7494 yes
Lol thats ass backwards thinking
Ladies, never revolve your life around a man
@@Spacemomma4426 didn't work here.
But he wasn't revolving his life around her.@@Spacemomma4426
Armchair quarterback
Don’t let any man control you or take advantage of you
Yeah he just left and my bank account, bed and heart are all empty
I have just left my abusive husband. I have a two children under 2. I went to the police and he is being charged with assault. There are supports out there. I endured years of physical, emotional, and financial abuse. It took me forever to leave. You can do it
I was there. I prayed and God to help me get out. I'm so happy nowadays. ALONE but alive
My heart broke into a million pieces listening to this. Parents….please help her!!!! He is not going to change or love you back, Ashley. I don’t know you, but I know you deserve love, respect and compassion. Let it go and build new ❤❤❤
Get out! I’m 68 and I have been through a lot in my lifetime. Your kids need you to do whatever you need to do to pick yourself up. Tell your people around you that you need help. It’s possible to start from scratch, I’ve done it 3 or 4 times. You will be so glad you did.
Sending prayers of strength to Ashley. I hope she finds the will to leave with the kids, and keep them and herself safe. My heart breaks for her. There a new life out there for her.
The happy ending is to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get the hell out of a horrible marriage. No one is going to come rescue you. You have to get out, get some help, and march on with your life because it is worth saving. Your children's lives are worth saving. You are stronger than you think. You made the phone call to this program. You get out one step at a time to a much better future. And don't get married again thinking it will solve all your problems. It won't. Chances are you'd end up in the same situation. Fix yourself and fix your life. Stand tall and all my best to you and your children.
Abusive partners absolutely use the court systems to continue abusing their partners
If you're still with your husband because you're afraid he'll kill you for leaving, it's time to leave. She's emotionally broken down to where she can't see a way out. I feel her pain. There's a way out but she has to be safe about it.
Yeah sounds great. Put yourself directly into harms way! Way to go! Sometimes I wonder if people even listen to themselves
I hope she learns boundaries. Don’t let him mess with you stand up for yourself. Also distance herself from him. In the home move out of the bedroom. I’m also stuck financially and it sucks. I hide in my room. Trying to make money on my own but with kids it’s really hard.
These are all things that women need to do before marriage.... Protect yourselves! Save up money before marriage, Have a job even if it's part time. Protect yourself from the what- ifs in relationships. She's pregnant for the third time??!!.... Stop having freaking children especially knowing what a terrible person she's making him out to be ( or is ) She's just digging herself & the kids a deeper hole & eventually can not get out of this mess of a marriage...
She said she just wants him to love her. He’s not going to. He’s already opted out of the marriage. She needs to get out and get her and her children safe.
I get more and more annoyed watching Dr. Delony interrupt, assume and jump to incorrect conclusions a lot.
He was so harsh with this woman. She needs to leave her husband. This stuff is not on her. Its not her fault. He was so off the mark abd so harsh with her.
Idk. I just get so frustrated with these videos where the people asking for help do not get enough time to explain their situation. So many times, I feel like he's off the mark and I don't even think people are helped in a lot of these situations.
Especially frustrating when the person gets muted at the end of the video while he talks. Like he's done with the conversation after not even understanding the situation or helping.
Asking an abused person “why do you think so lowly of yourself?” Is like asking a person strapped to a table “why are you wiggling so much?”
Sometimes the question is a way to point it out to them and let them see that it is not normal.
I hope Dr. Delony called the police no matter what. What a scary situation this poor woman is in. I truly fear for her.
Police on what
Yeah because she’s not leaving on her own
If a partner who won't take accountability for his actions therapy won't help. The last two attempts at counseling each man took my husband's side. They weren't interested in anything concerning me. I'm 71 and we've been together 47yrs. Last night he shared at the end of bible study that he had failed me in a lot of ways. That was the first step in the right direction
I grew up in a similar household where my mom stayed, setting the example. Today, after being in a similar marriage, at 67 I have recently divorced and realize I duplicated/imitated her life. Stay your course, trust me, you and your children deserve better. Goodspeed.
Why does she keep having children with this guy?
Sometimes they control you so much that they don’t let you take birth control and are there at every doctors appointment making sure you don’t get on birth control
When I listen to you counsel callers, I realize that my first marriage was one I should have gotten help with and possibly left with my dignity intact. He was abusive and I let him break me down to where I had 2 separate "affairs" because I was so desperate to be desired by someone. When we split up, I did not have my dignity intact and I suffered for it. My mental health was broken and I had to heal in the middle of chaos, brokenness and pain. He took advantage of that and won full custody of our 4 children. I almost committed suicide after that. How could I go on when my children were not in my arms?
The day I was contemplating how to do it, God whispered in my ear telling me that my kids NEEDED to know their mom loved them and if I was gone, then there would be absolutely no one to tell them about their mom's love for them. All they would hear is what a selfish loser their mom was. And I couldn't bear that. So I told God that I was willing to stand up again and heal but I didn't know how so I needed Him to do that part.
It's been a long journey but I'm a grandma now ❤
I have had a series of abusive relationships but I have walked away from them. My heart squeezed in my chest when you said there are great people out there (to find and have a great relationship with)
Thank you John, for your compassion, honesty and wisdom. I think I should call you. I could use some help
Do call Dr John. That's what he's there for!
I’m trying really hard to not connect this with my mom’s nonstop martyrdom, but I see so much of it here and it’s frustrating. Maybe the caller IS a perpetual victim that’s completely beat down mentally, which I have so much sympathy and solidarity with from experience. It’s not just you, though, and saving yourself is saving your kids. Yes, the living situation is legitimately awful, but “woe is me” magnifies it. Wow, does she sound like my mom who makes lame excuses so she doesn’t have to take action. It sucks, you’re in the thick of it, but the only way to fix it is to do something, ANYTHING. This is coming from someone who has had to clean up a lot of damage done by others so I’ve been there.
I don't think she is any more 'woe is me' than your own comment, which is ironic. Let's just be compassionate without comparing her to your mom.
@@blueseptember2174 bs. This caller is actively choosing d*** over her own children. I have sympathy until they start selfishly making babies. If you have a brain in your head and an ounce of character, you’ll feel the same.
She’s stuck in cognitive dissonance by being trauma bonded to a narcissist who likely keeps promising and future faking that he will be a better Husband. There’s complicated codependency from both of them. I bet she’s being gaslit by him every single day.
The husband is about to get “blindsided” by divorce if she files….
Hes played and destroyed her mind so much she doesnt even know herself anymore. Shes in Abuse Fog. "I dont know..." "I can't ..." "I'm not...." Its all there. He has her believing there is nothing and noone out there for her. And she has the full weight of 3 small children. He knows what hes doing. Hes extremely dangerous.
Come on, John. Did you just ask an abused woman why she doesn't leave?
Oh this had me break down- I really hope she is ok right now
One of the hardest thing is let go of the fantasy of the way you imagined him. ❤❤❤❤❤
Go today sister.i did n never saw him again.
He is very likely a malignant narcissist. She must get out became he trapped her on purpose.
Controlling a stay at home mother is easy.
-Who's going to support you if you leave?
-Whos going to support you and the kids if you call the cops and get me put in jail and i get fired from my job?
Theres more examples
Calling the police in her area is the right move, this is a very dangerous situation for her and her kids, and therapists are usually mandated reporters, it would be wrong and unethical to not contact the authorities. I hope she is ok and was able to take hersefl and the kids away from that domestic violent and abusive situation.
I too was married to an abuser for 9 years. It was absolute hell. It took a coworker basically giving me permission to leave before I had the courage to do it. It’s been 8 years since I left and my life is amazing and 110% better! The peace I feel now is so worth it.
Dude, you have no clue what it's like for a SAHM without a support system.
Get out. Don’t abuse your child by subjecting to this environment.
It’s only a matter of time
I wouldn't want this woman to stay in a *dangerous* marriage for the sake of her kids with this man, but let's be honest here, most men (and I don't care about your anecdotal exceptions) do not want to raise another man's kids, especially small kids. Her instincts about being unable to find another man aren't off base here. Why isn't it clear in this video what kind of danger she is in? What I mostly heard was she is "unhappy." I'm clear about that. But I'm not clear on how she is "unsafe." What am I missing here?
You are missing experience of an abusive situation. Victim may not be able to tell the truth. The pain and situation she has described shouts so much to people who has seen similar situations
I was married to an addict narcissistic man. Horrible. He was a terrible husband, he left the marriage a long time before things fell apart. The most confusing one foot in and one foot out person I have ever met. They don’t leave. They’re cowards. They leave emotionally and resent you, but will not have the humility to say “I’m done, I don’t want this anymore”. They’ll put you in the position as the “bad guy”. They’re cowards.
Women often say, he's an awful husband but an amazing father, when he isn't, but it gives her an excuse to stay with him.
I hope Ashley has left. Raising your kids by yourself may be hard but it's better than this. I left with 4 kids. In the end it's such a relief!
It's so scary being with someone you know is (physically and mentally) capable of ending your life. I hope she's safe. ❤
Poor woman 😢 She needs to leave and call the cops.
Saying "what's up?" always sounds so abrupt, like, "hurry up and tell me what's going on." I know it's the current thing to do, but it still sounds abrupt.
Leave its the only option
1: You can't be a good father if you're not a good husband. That's an excuse.
2. Girl, why are you pregnant AGAIN when you've known these problems exist? Not to be mean, but you need to think about the consequences of bringing kids into this situation.
3: I know you're in a bad spot, but a little thought goes a long way.
4: Get OUT! BE SAFE! HE HATES YOU!
Heartbreaking. Hopefully there exists a person in her life that would be able to watch her children while she gets the therapy she needs. 🙏🏻 Not everyone has someone that could watch after their child, should the need ever arise.
Omg this sounds just like a friend i knew. Might be her. She had all the excuses waiting for hubby to change. So sad. People think a savior is coming unfortunately no one is coming to save you. I pray she finds the strength to take care of herself
When a person comes in from work that person is usually tired and grumpy... You got to give that employed person a little half hour of quiet to compose themselves 😊
So, how is he an amazing dad?
This poor thing needs support. Please have her reach out to Called to Peace Ministries. Ctpm helps women get their agency back and navigate coercive control. And abusive men DO get custody of children often, her fears are real and leaving safely is nuanced. Courts don't always do justice.She has to prepare and do it in the best way for HER circumstance. She is trauma bonded. Hugs to this sweetheart, she doesn't always have to have these dark days.
I rather be single than in a marriage like this.😢
Scary call. She needs help.
My heart goes out to her. This is so heartbreaking. 💔 silent treatment is the worst! I’m so sorry. Learned helplessness happens as a result of intermittent abusive reinforcement. Shes at the end of herself. It’s not a worthiness issue. It’s the cycle of abuse. She’s in an abusive marriage. She needs out of this marriage - right now - for her own mental health and the health of her children.
"You';re choosing death". I remember when my abusive ex was beating me every day I could smell my own death in the house... It was imminent. You just have to go fucking go.
14:41 oh I'm not finished the video but hopefully this gets better.
Overall his advice to leave is correct but her kids can absolutely get taken from her if he has money or friends in law enforcement or judicial system.
they will do 50/50 custody by default
Constantly walking on egg shells is so scary. Your baby crying and him not loving on her is a danger zone. He may not be physically abusing you anymore but now he's emotionally abusing you and your children.
He doesn't want to take My Kids. He should have tried to find out why she said it that way.
Once she said if I’m not alive… that’s all we need to know… call police. Get her and her babies out of there!
The happy ending she is hoping for comes on the other side of leaving. It’s hard, very hard. It’s worth it tho. You can dream and build your own life- create a happy home for your children with peace and joy. You will all be better off without him. Love yourself and your children enough to leave a relationship that’s destroying you and your happiness. The kids feel it. It will likely only get worse as they grow..
Ashley, I hope you got away. It is so very hard when it doesn't look like current abuse, and you just want to make it stop. But, be a great mom, and get your kids out. Just start sorting the things you and your kids need, and organizing your mind for what you would need if you went on a 3-month vacation. Get ahold of battered women's services, for advice on what paperwork to gather, which actions to take. You are so very very exhausted, and don't know how you can do this. And, exhaustion drives fear in our minds and bodies. But there will be other mom's that can help share child care, and give support. You will make it. Many of us have, we are on the other side, and its so much better.
I'm so glad I didn't marry young.
You can’t be in a marriage by yourself. When you are existing next to each other it damages you and your children. I know. I should’ve left before it affected our children. I should’ve left before we married. The loneliness and hopelessness was suffocating. You just try to get from one moment to the next.
Communication is extremely lacking in their relationship. It would be interesting to hear the spouse's side of the story. Dr John should do live couples counseling on the air.
yes, but in some cases, communication is just not possible! When someone gets angry each time you try to engage a discussion, you end up not saying anything anymore and completely shut up to not provoke any further breakouts, to protect yourself agains the agression.
You do realise couples counselling is highly ineffective in abusive relationships? All it does is give even more tools to the abuser and a lot of the times makes things worse for the abused woman
I thought she was immature and full of excuses until she said he had been abusive. We don't know their full story or what the truth really looks like. I agree that podcast therapy probably isn't a good solution though no matter how curious we all are.
@@Westernkoala I was wondering about the nature of the abuse, like "He was mad and hit me."
This man is a child. He doesn’t want to do anything because he feels he’s too entitled to. He is behaving like a spoilt teenager but he is a grown MAN. I am also in this situation. Please don’t victim shame. No one knows how hard it is to break free. I’m guessing this lady is terrified of this man’s reactions if she dares to ask him to help, I do believe she is suffering from CPTSD and living in total fear. Total and utter crippling fear where she feels the only option that keeps her safe is to stay with the monster. She has had her self esteem shattered, been isolated, she is probably so scared of how he will behave when she leaves that staying seems safer.
Absolutely and solidarity!
Oh God that poor woman and those innocent babies....💔
There are always choices for this. Sometimes none of the options are good, but there are always choices.
Wish I knew how she is doing today, 8 months later. I truly hope she's doing better.
I dont like how very insensitive he's being with her; having been through this myself, compassion, gentleness and understanding go a long way
Feel so terribly for her. I had a boyfriend who gradually got abusive and I remember some of the questions I got and they sound similar to this and I probably sounded confusing too. You have to leave and you know you’re in danger right? Oof I didn’t want to believe that until it happened again worse than before and something clicked that this had to be it. My heart and prayers go out to this woman, I thank god I escaped without marriage or children
Omg, I realized at 13:39min. that this woman is in REAL trouble. She needs to get the heck out!!!
Translation: how do I appease a monster?
Would love to know the update on this one, If she got out and if she’s ok now?
I've been here, I should of left webbed every one told me to, it got to a point were he shot at me...
i wish there was an update on how’s she’s doing now, what a terribly horrifying experience. ❤️🩹
She is terrified, paralyzed with fear. He's an abuser. She is scared have a conversation with him about anything, which has led to her be scared to have a conversation with anyone. She's at her most vulnerable with two babies and pregnant. Praying she gets help.
Yeah u can tell by just the tone of her voice she is absolutely terrified
@@HOLDXSTEEL Is that a typo, are you a troll or an idiot? Pick one.
@HOLDXSTEEL Troll, go away
WHY DOES SHE KEEP GETTING PREGNANT! 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡 lord. She wanna be a victim. He is also a terrible person! Both of them are terrible. Poor kids. He has beat her in past but she birth three kids nonsense. She loves him? What a joke. Gives all excuse not to get help. Irresponsible. I understand depression, I have been in a situation where I just kept victimizing myself but seeking love over safety of your kids and yourself is crazy😊
@@shachede6828 She feels powerless,the longer her mind and body is paralyzed by fear, the harder it is to break. She called so hopefully she's ready to leave.
You don't realize how bad it is until long after you get away. You just can't see it. It's survival.
Yep
I was in a narcissistic relationship for 5 years, we had a son & unfortunately now that man is still in my life. But when I met my husband, I said “you never know what the sun feels like because you’ve been living in the shade” I just never knew how bad he really was to me…I thought it was me.
I am praying for this woman. She has been completely broken down
This!! I was in an abusive relationship that was on and off for 9 months. he hit me, he belittled me, he told me my family didn't care about me, he threatened to hurt himself when he could see I was on the verge of leaving, yet he could leave and not say a word to me for days. He left bruises all over my body, including my face. I was never willing to call it abuse when I was with him, I made up excuses for him, and most devastatingly I stayed because I thought I had found the person I deserved. My friends witnessed the abuse and nobody tried to stop it, until a new kid at school (I'd never met him, but my ex had known him from church and they'd been to school together in earlier years) saw him trying to shove me to the ground. I started becoming friends with him, and my ex told me to stay away from him because he was bad news. At that point, I had no respect for his opinion and started to open up to the new kid at school about what I was going through. He would stick up for me, and eventually told me I had to block all contact with him or he was going to "make him dissappear". obviously it was an empty threat, but I only left because I thought it would protect my ex. Once I blocked him, there was such an overwhelming sense of freedom throughout my whole body. I kept talking to the new kid, and eventually he became my boyfriend. We're still together, and he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's chivalrous, kind, and understanding. In the beginning, he always took our firsts slow, and made sure I was okay every step of the way. I wish I could go back to myself as a freshman and tell her all the wonderful things that would happen once I cut out that leech, and I wish I could've been able to see what that relationship was while I was in it, but I'm so glad I am where I am right now.
What a horror long term abuse is, this poor woman lives in perpetual terror. It was such an act of strength she even made this call. I hope she and her children get out safely.
The courts stupidly think abusers can make good coparents. They dont.
She's dealing with a narcissist. It's so hard to have a marriage with one. He don't respect her or anything. He has made her not even love herself.
I’m in a narcissistic marriage. I’m getting divorced in September. I’m out of here!!!! Not today Satan!!!
@glowieokenney7915 amen. I pray you are kept safe. I was too. Over 10 yrs and was afraid of him as well. Finally had a DV and took the kid's. Separated 4yrs but he recently took his life. Never did I think he'd do that. Thought he'd take mine before he do what he did.
@@Monalisa0622 omg! He took his life!!! Wow, I’m sorry to hear that. Life is certainly challenging. We never know what is going to happen. I’m glad you got away, but what a tragedy for your family to go through. I’ve been with Adam for 25 years. I’m ready for my own place and peace and quiet. Husband is an alcoholic on top of being a narcissist. So sad!
@glowieokenney7915 I understand. So proud that you have made the decision to get out and to be set free. I am single and plan on being single for some time while we heal. I've been listening to this podcast Tim Fletcher on complex trauma, it's a series. It's helped me process my emotions and to have grace with myself. I hope the best for you. I hope you heal and have the life you deserve. For us for now it's just us 3, it's peaceful and hard belly laughs at time. We will heal with God's grace
@@Monalisa0622 thank you so much I really appreciate all your kind words. Yes I’m in agreement with you. God will heal our wounds and it’s gonna take some time but I’m so glad that I am leaving and not have to deal with him anymore. God bless you.
He’s not a good father. A good father supports the mother and works as a team.
Yeah, when she kept saying, “he’s an amazing father” I said out loud,
“NO, HE’S NOT!” 🙁 He doesn’t love and care for his children’s mother, he leaves them screaming when she’s trying to make dinner or take a dang shower, only engages and plays with them when she tells him to…sorry - that is NOT an amazing father. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
And can handle the kids for 30mins. Good grief
❤
@@valerie9620
A million %
As a child who grew up in an abusive home, please leave. It took me 49 years to feel safe in this world .
So sorry that's happened to you😢
Same
I hope she doesn't read the comments here. I imagine the people attacking her here either don't understand how abuse works or are abusers themselves. Sexual abuse includes being pushed to have children as an effort to control and isolate. Financial abuse may include her not having a job. I can hear the effects of emotional and psychological abuse; she could be a shell of herself and completely overwhelmed. I imagine she is not safe, and may be scared to even say she is worried about being killed. She may be worried about having the police come to her home because its possible that they could put her life in danger. What is going to happen to her after the police leave? Look at what happened to Gabby Petito, she was crying and devastated, and he was as cool as a cucumber; look at who the police believed. The family court system is a disaster and abusive men know how to turn the charm on and off. There is a distinct possibility that leaving could mean her kids are with him 50% of the time, the natural default of the court system, with lack of her supervision. Abuse is a complex web of deceit and lies.
Yes! You get it! Simply put, she’s stuck in cognitive dissonance by being trauma bonded to a narcissist who likely keeps promising and future faking that he will be a better Husband.
YES!
K.
Well said 👏👏👏
Absolutely 💯
People are so judgmental. Yes, it's frustrating to hear about a situation, but we aren't living in it, with an abuser and two little kids. Years of abuse and mind games can make you feel almost paralyzed. Stop blaming the victim.
I agree. We can all become stuck in situations that aren't good for us and denying that only serves to fool ourselves into believing that it could never happen to us because we are somehow better.
I have been there. She knows how to function in the marriage but not sure she can function outside of it. It is a tough situation.
Exactly. I was in this stage 16 years ago....my children now 17 and 18 years old Still trying to fully escape an abusive monster
No man or woman is perfect. But shaming and gaslighting people doesn't help anyone! You don't scream and yell at a woman who's been beat most of her life and hope she will just be fine and happy. The cycle of abuse will continue. You don't hit people you love.
Not blaming, but it is necessary to be clear about what she needs to do! I understand 100% being paralyzed in fear, stuck in a abusive situation. She needs to hear it loud she needs to leave, until she does. It can take a while, she needs therapy asap.
So many of us have been here. SOOOOOO many of us. Drowning, dying, feeling our lives were in danger, having young children without support... Dr. John is sooooo good. I wish a show like this existed for me years ago. This woman has been so programmed to believe she has no value, and an abusive jerk is the best she can get. Girl, get out. In 5 years you can be in a complete 180 of happiness.
Correct. He's programmed her to believe she doesn't even deserve a shower in peace.
@@dr.jenniferma3914 what the main concern is that she had kids I am hoping that she can get her some resources and get someone to back up with her and stand with her
Sounds like she's afraid he's going to hurt her or their kids. Keep her pregnant and burdened. Oldest trick in the book.
EXACTLY yes! He has programmed her to believe she cant be without him!
It’s not that easy to get out, wish people understand not EASY!!!!
Next month will make a year since I abruptly left with our 8 month old.
I literally told him I was fearful of him. I told him when he throws things, hits things around me, slaps himself, I get scared and am scared that he will take things further.
I didn’t realize this was abuse.
We he screamed at me and berated me in front of our son who was one month old at the time I knew I needed to leave to protect myself and my child.
Best decision I have ever made. I was able to grieve. I’m finally happy and can celebrate the joyous holidays again.
Our divorce is finalized yet (he’s dragged it out intentionally) but I can breathe.
“You cannot grieve until you are safe”
You, my dear are living to survive. Save yourself. Save your babies. The deserve a happy, whole, and healed beautiful mother.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU DID NOT BREAK UP YOUR FAMILY.
Kid become adults, eventually.
I love you and am sending you so many hugs and love right now!
love your comment, and heart. Happy Holidays to you and your little one :).
Beautiful support.
That is such a sweet comment.
I am so happy that you and your baby are safe and happy.
God bless you
You are a strong and brave woman.
Bless you
Kind words. Thank you.
You don't know you're being abused until you get out and have time to heal....
My heart broke when she said I just want him to love me back and DR.John said I know in such a comforting voice… 😢
I was reading your comment right when she said it 😢
I have very deep understanding for this unhappy woman.
Narcissts are manipulative. They are perfect in disturbing the Partner. The emotional abuse is overwhelming, that the partner is loosing the reality.
And the question:"Why are you till there ?" ...doesn't help.
She is frozen from panic. And needs somebody to take her hand and leed her to a safe place.
Oh, my God, there must be an understanding, kind person to help her out.
Explanations don' t reach her in such a situation of complete desparation.
I dont blame any woman who doesnt want marrige and wants to be single
It all comes down to choosing wisely and treating kindly.
@@joyfulrealtor DV happens over extended periods of time. No one is abused from the beginning. It is after you are cut off and have children keeping you from leaving. Not everyone has family to call.
She is very depressed and trapped in learned helplessness which is a classic sign that she is victim of abuse.
Yes she is in a narcissist abuse. I was in one for many years . And it's paralyzing ..it's a roller coaster ride ... She can leave but it's up to her
This call is so intense. I pray this woman finds strength.
PLEASE GET IN CONTACT WITH HER TO FOLLOW UP!
I beg you Dr Delony!
Anyone who has 3 or more children ther are close in age like this young mother will understand exactly what my concern is for her. Especially in an abusive marriage like this. If she is already that stressed and overwhelmed and at her breaking point trying to manage everything while simultaneously living in constant fear that anything whe says or does... Or doesn't do or doesn't do right is going to set her unpredictable husband off... When that 3rd baby is born, that little thread she's been holding onto her sanity with is going to break and send her crashing to the ground. Hard. she already felt isolated and alone. She already felt overwhelmed and inadequate. He was already mean to and angry with her for her having these emotions and for needing help. He has already made it very clear that she and the kids are more of a burden than a blessing to him. He had already msde it clear that he doesn't want to help and doesn't even feel obligated to help. He has no empathy at all, for her or her children. And be shows no signs of remorse or regret, hell he doesn't even seem to take any responsibility for how much his shitty behavior is negatively affecting his entire family. The level if stress and pressure that a 3rd kid can have on even a healthy stable household can often times push parents and marriages right to the edge of their breaking point. In a situation like this young mother who is already at that edge and she's genuinely terrified of what her husband might do if he ever hits his breaking point...
I'm genuinely concerned for their safety.
Please follow up with her. Make sure she reached out to her family and that they are supporting her. And that she is actually getting professional help from a therapist... Possibly taking something to help with postpartum depression...
💔
Why isn't this mom on birth control? Why is she getting pregnant in a loveless marriage?
@@Mica-e4p This is a woman who, in my guess and from the commenst made, is trauma bonding with her abuser. He may or may not allow her to go anywhere without his permission. He may want more kids just to keep her in line. If he wants sex, I'm guessing he takes it. In some places that's called r@pe. She so wants to be loved by him and he doesn't care. She's trapped with a violent man with 2 small children and a baby on the way. And maybe she's completely isolated from anyone who can help. It doesn't even sound like her family of origin can be of much help. When someone is in survival mode, the last thing they are thinking about is the future (birth control) she's thinking of surviving in the moment.
@@Mica-e4p troll
You can find good single men with no judgment in their hearts. I just met a gal with 5 kids. She’s 31 and sweetest most genuine person I ever met. I don’t mind she has 5 kids. She’s a package deal.
This is what men are known for
❤
You are destroying your life. Keep your finances separate.
Sir, you are a God send. 👏Stay awesome. You are a solid unselfish man. You have blessed this mom and her children. I hope you find every happiness and success in life. ❤
Bless you
This was me years ago when my kids were small. I felt 100% trapped. I couldn’t see the whole truth of my situation until I got away and could look at it from the outside. I wish I could go get this mom and kids and rescue her 😔
Me too 😢
Really happy for both of you that you got out safely and made a new life
👍
She’s not ready to leave him she’s in the excuse faze. I’ve been there lady and from experience I started with counselling and little by little my eyes opened up. A word of advice don’t tell him everything and keep some things to yourself because he will use your words against you.
she wouldn't even agree to 30 min of therapy every week....she's in huge denial