Exciting news everyone! Our #RSAshorts series (of which this video is part) has been nominated for a Webby Award! The Annual Webby Awards represent the best of the Internet, and out of nearly 13,000 projects submitted this year, RSA Shorts has made it to the final five in the ‘Animations’ category. The winner is decided by the online public, so we need your vote! Here’s how you can help (voting closes 7th May so be quick!): bit.ly/2VMytX3
This resolved the other half of my blame dilemma. I realized blame is externalizing responsibility, and long term is pointless as it must be paid backward to all our predecessors and the dawn of creation. To recognize it as discharging anger from the inability to maintain accountability completes the picture.
This video is spot on. It took me a while to learn but, I know blaming and worry are really defective thinking habits. I was raised by a worrier, blamer, guilter It took time and effort, but I learned to pay attention to my thoughts and feel my emotions. I say "I'm feeling...", even if it requires that I take 10 deep breathes before I speak. I learned worrying is using mental gymnastics to exhaust to exhaust myself. If I can change a situation I do. if i can't, I accept it and engage or accept it and disengage. I hold people (including myself) responsible for behavior. By that I mean I approach upsets, conflicts and discomforts without the attack that blaming implies. I had an excellent teacher, before retiring, my career involved direct patient and customer contact. I learned it so much easier to be respectful, clear and compassionate in communicating and problem solving.
As usual, right on description of the dynamics of blame. What is missing here is a more in depth treatment of how to stop ourselves, breathe and feel down into the underlying feeling, which is ultimately not anger but the deep hurt of helplessness whose origins reside in the childhood experience. Until we learn how to stop and grieve, deeply, we can think and talk about blame brilliantly but such a cognitive approach will have limited value. We can't really think our way out of what we were wounded into. We have to feel our way down, through and finally up out of the original pain in its original context. Bob Kamm
+Bob Kamm Here's what I find works for me. I listen before I speak. That gives me breathing space and clears my head. I usually say "I am (fill in the feeling)...about" , then I reference the situation, problem, behavior. That's better received than "you make me...", which is a conversation killer that put people on the defensive. I keep focused on a satisfactory resolution, rather being "right" and having the last word. I've learned if I'm blaming some one I"m thinking and feeling they have the power in the situation. I am not a victim.
Bob Kamm Also often it's kind of hard to distinguish between the two. I found this: I've discovered that most of the time, when executives tell me that "what we need around here is more accountability," what they really mean is, "I need to know who I should blame when things go wrong." www.computerworld.com/article/2566730/it-management/accountability-vs--blame.html
I agree, Jonas, that has also been my experience but my model of the Three Trusts offers a broader lens through which to view that. If all they talk about is accountability and it is really a mask for blame and punishment, then they are not going to be leaders worthy of any of the Three Trusts. So, once you get comfortable using this model, I doubt you'll have a hard time distinguishing between those who are truly worthy of trust and those who are gaming it. Thanks for your comment!
This is very spot on and so well said. I have experienced this very process. It was long and painful. It didn't happen over night and took some long winding full circles to experience this knowningness from a place of experience. It took quite a bit of action and deliberately putting myself in uncomfortable settings in order to confront these deep down underlying feelings in order to restructure the conversations with that needed to shift. It's quite something to walk through it and land on the other side of it. This journey is going to be different for everyone. The best way to start it is to surrender to it and ask universe/spirit (or the energy source that feels right) for guidance and help. And most importantly, be ready to walk though some fire. In most cases, a lot has to come tumbling down, sometimes to complete rumble in which to rebuild on. It's worth it. Thank you for posting this, it really is a beautiful validation and reflection. I'm not always so good at putting these experiences into words, which can often ead to isolation for me sometimes.
Berne Brown is terrific. She is a shame and vulnerability researcher. she has some great books The gift of imperfection and Daring greatly. she is one of my favorites.
absolutely LOVE this dr brown she has left me feeling empowered n on a natural high!!!!--she made it easy n comfortable to effectively understand what she was communicating on the human behavior!!! bravo lady excellent jon doc!
Can't help but notice that "Blame" = "Bla" + "Me." The discharge of anger. I get it. Now I finally understand my mother. This is a master blamer. Amazing how a 3:25 annimated video can shed light on something that I've puzzled over for 61 years! Thanks, Brene!
I like this so much! The animation is terrific and the message spot on. Hello, I am Christine and I USED to be a blamer. One of the things that helped me grow out of this was Brene's book, The Gift of Imperfection. Thank you for being here and articulating all of the "stuff" we have. You and Landmark International.
“Damn you Steve!” Accountability is a vulnerable process, so let’s please not miss opportunities to empathize. Members of Congress, ALL OF THEM, are missing huge opportunities. Hence, we have our current situation of contempt from all sides. I doubt we can move forward through this political mess without some civility and empathy. How else can two sides, both apparently contemptible, come together and agree that progress is far more important than perfection?
Agreed, way too much of a divide in society between liberals and conservatives with each side playing the blame card. Shame we can’t be bigger then that in in truly engaging with each other.
Dr Brene Brown, where have you been this whole time. I suppose I found you at the time I was ready to hear what you have to share. This lady explains things in such an easy and simple way. Thank you for sharing what you share. It makes a difference
This week I was in a meeting with two business leaders, both of whom commenced the meeting by accepting blame for their "misunderstanding of the situation." Leader 1 said, "It's probably my fault that I misunderstood but didn't we agree..." and proceeded to state her understanding of a previous discussion. Leader 2 said, "No, it's probably me who misunderstood, but I thought..." and put forward his view of the previous discussion. They did this repeatedly whilst at the same time pushing their own idea of how they felt about coming to a decision (on the matter being discussed). In the end a decision wasn't made (again) - it was deferred to another time (the meeting had run over) nothing was really achieved but it was a pleasant meeting.
Ughh, we need to stop this destroying of our relationships! (What I should be saying to my wife, child, coworkers, and ESPECIALLY to myself.) To Brené and Gobblynn, you were both spot on. Thank you for this. #selfevaluation #itStartsWithYou
Do no harm is the only worthwhile challenge. So NO... bullying, dictating (unless medical emergency), hypocrisy, tyranny, contempt, disrespect, negligence, incompetence, delialism, unreasonableness, nor abuses... for starters.
There should be a clarification for abuse survivors because most of the time they are blamed for everything. And part of getting out of that situation is realizing that the blame is someone else’s - and placing that blame back where it belongs - on the abuser. And for scapegoats- that can be your entire social structure that is holding together a lie for the abusive individuals.
This is a very important clarification. When you are held one hundred percent responsible for everything by abusers and their allies. then generic advice about blaming others for your problems can be very detrimental. It adds to the gaslighting and self doubt and confusion. even though it can be very helpful and necessary advice offered to individuals where abuse is not a factor. Much, much care should be taken by mental health professionals in the media to offer trauma-informed advice by providing caveats to survivors of any form of abuse.
While I understand where you’re coming from, as an abuse survivor in childhood and adulthood, I’d still say that blame is never helpful because it focuses on the past, whereas personal responsibility and accountability focuses on how to move forward. Blaming the abuser, while it’s true that their behavior is theirs to own, doesn’t actually allow us to take responsibility for our own safety and healing. One of the biggest signs of healing and growth is the ability to release blame of any kind and move forward constructively. Much love to anyone who happens to come across this comment. 🤍
I finally met a psychiatrist last week after waiting almost a year. I had to wait so long because here in Canada, if you can't pay for couselling/mental health services your only option is to wait in line ups for no-cost help and I can't pay. Well, when I walked in to meet this doctor she did everthing Brene says not to do perfectly. I walked out in tears & won't be seeing her again. I will go without medication (as I need a Dr to prescribe) as I am too scared & too invalidated to go back. Empathy doesn't take much, it isn't 'rocket science.' Whatever small measures it takes to be empathic, this psychiatrist missed the 'how to be empathic' boat big time! Thanks for a great video Brene/RSA! I am now a RSA youtube subscriber.
I was in a musical improv class, many years ago, with a brilliant woman who looked at me with compassionate eyes, after I'd done a cartwheel in a scene, in a desire to save the scene, with the end-result being I dive bombed the scene, and this is what she said, "The trick is to take the meaningful lesson from your failure." I heard the words. But it took damn near a decade before they sank in. It's easy to blame your scene partner. It's easy to blame your business partner. It's easy to blame the client who "doesn't get it." But you might as well be picking on Steve, "Damn You Steve." Thanks for this. It's brilliant, thoughtful & beautifully animated.
Taking the mandatory coursework for new in-home caregivers in Oregon (Medicaid Waiver / HCBS funded work). I'm a caregiver employer of record for my IDD daughter, so I'm doing this to learn more about training requirements and resources as part of my advocacy work. Anyway, lots of great and useful content so far in the coursework, but this video (part of the "Maintaining a Positive Attitude" module) is by far my favorite. Well done!
This is great. I never understood blaming or blamers. Apparently they're people with deep pain. Until they work through that pain, they'll never be able to really sit down and understand solutions. Not my most compassionate idea but I've learned that creating GREATER pain for blaming and being unaccountable, especially over time, will trigger a habit for a person or a group to become accountable.
I just got schooled by you. Thank you. I blame people a whole lot when things don't go my way, but sometimes underneath it all, I know it's my fault. Thank you once again.
Fantastic! I remember wen I told someone, "No being responsible is not enough, you must be accountable." That person stopped short and went pale and never did that thing again. However, he did not change enough. Maturity eludes some people all their lives.
+homealone2nana i like that you say maturity eludes people some all their lives. I feel so bad that children feel the brunt of this because people believe age = maturity hence nothing a child ever says is worth anything. :)
+homealone2nana what is the difference between responsible and accountable? Sorry, English is not my first language. When you enjoy people turning pale it sounds pretty much as blaming btw ...
+Dodec84 When a person is responsible they can pay their bills on time, this is one example. When a person is accountable, they tell the truth if they have broken the law and also take the punishment that goes with it. This is one example of accountability.
+Shalini Upadhyay Yes, it is so very important to let children know how important they are, to hear them and to truly see them. To let them know how valuable they are, that they are of great worth. To show then that they are loved with healthy affection, listen to them and validate them with good feedback and with proof that we listen, see and hear them as they grow and progress. I love children, they are our most valuable resource.
+homealone2nana disagree as there are extenuating circumstances, a French teacher taught me that to my surprise omce when I was apologizing for asking for something
It is far easier to look on the outside with the eyes for blame , then it is to look on the inside with the heart for accountability,....Inner peace out weights outer ciaos and confusion every time,.. Accountability is a hard "Pill" to swallow,...
We need to learn how to recognize and handle our emotions and understand why we want to know whose fault is it all time, I need to hold accountable for my own decisions
So good. One of my pastors pointed this out to me last year and it changed my life. When something goes wrong, my instant reaction is to go "well it's not really my fault because....." or "Well it was my fault but I shouldn't be subject to any punishment because.....". My first reaction is to be really defensive. But that doesn't help fix the problem. Her blaming her husband did help the cup get cleaned up any faster, or clean her clothes, it ONLY hurts her relationship with her husband. When I do that in real life, it sends the message that I can't handle problems, I can only avoid them, by making excuses. So I'm learning again to just say "this happened, if it's my fault I'm sorry, let's deal with it". I feel like a lot of other people do this too and I really encourage you to think back on the last time you messed up, what was your first reaction? Was it "it's not my fault" or was it "let's fix this"?
RainAngel111 Those aren't always mutually exclusive, though. What are your feelings on "It's not my fault but let's fix this"? I see blaming as a combination of two separate things... assigning of fault to a cause and assigning of responsibility to fix/make reparation/etc. eg, someone could say it was their parents' fault that they have certain personality defects, but it's their own responsibility to fix it. I've found that people don't usually separate those two components, they assume that the process of seeking a cause to a problem has evasion of reparation as the only driving factor. imo it should always be attempted to find cause to a problem, sometimes that identifies a new entity that deserves to provide reparation but most of the time it just helps you better understand the problem and how to avoid it in the future (usually, the only way to understand this). Maybe the problem is when people overfocus on the first half (causation) and ignore the second half (resolution)? Though different situations require different balances... Someone too far to the second half would keep repeating their same mistakes and be very easy to manipulate.
John Wilkinson I agree with your insight. A whole and Rational evaluation of a fault need not be all about the cause or the resolution of it. Tracking, connecting, Verifying and understanding a cause from all of it's angles and placing a blame where it's due will prevent us from falling victim to it again. It also provides an excellent opportunity to self- reflect and diagnose what made us susceptible to it in the first place. Full accountability in its entirety seldom falls only on a single individual as multiple flaws of personalities between the offender and the victim tend to cohesively feed one another and ultimately culminate to an assult or a mistreatment.
John Wilkinson What is the advantage of saying, "It's not my fault but let's fix this" over "Let's fix this"? In the first saying there are two topics: blame and responsibility. "It's not my fault" does nothing to assign responsibility (response-ability). "Let's fix this" assigns responsibility, and in so doing, gives an implicit affirmation of the power to "fix this". "Let's fix this" also engages the creative gears. "It's not my fault" engages the defensive gears. IMO saying "Let's fix this" is better.
John Wilkinson My main point is that "let's fix this" is the first and most important thing that you should say. If you were on a roadtrip and the car breaks down, you don't want to know who forgot to change the oil, or check the tire pressure. You want someone to fix it. ANYONE, whether it was their fault or not. AFTER it's fixed is when you want to know whose fault it is and why. The ONLY time you should ever need to know whose fault it is BEFORE fixing a problem is when knowing who caused the problem is the only way to fix it, but that's a rare problem. Basically, when someone reacts to a problem with "It's not my fault", they aren't trying to help find the solution to the problem and they aren't trying to find out why the problem happened either. They're only trying to protect themselves. If you're defensive then it says that you are afraid of being accused. You don't trust that these people aren't trying to attack you. You don't trust that they aren't going to immediately blame you, and you're thinking of your own security before actually caring about the problem.
Thanks to you both for replying respectfully. Steve Coan - I agree that being creative rather than defensive is better, but I would argue that being able to balance both rather than use one or the other for a given problem is usually preferred. See below for an example. RainAngel111 - I agree with most of what you said, but imho there is actual value in some degree of defensiveness, at least beyond simply your own security. Consider the following extensions of your analogy: A (fixing as an absolute priority): The car breaks down, the indicator shows it's out of oil. You know your brother was in charge of refilling the oil and you're tempted to give him a call and chew him out but you decide to take initiative and refill the oil yourself instead and spare him the annoyance. It doesn't matter what the cause is, the car needs more oil. You walk a few miles to and from the nearest gas station, pour more oil in it, and take off. Soon the car breaks down again and you realize that there must be an oil leak, it's not holding oil. By now the car has additional damage and by the time a tow truck brings you to the nearest mechanic they're closed and you have to find a place to stay for the night. B (blame discovery in parallel with fixing): You trust your brother but why would it break down if he had filled it like you asked him to? Something doesn't add up... You give him a call to verify, knowing that it might come off as an accusation but trusting that he'll understand. He confirms, you trust that he's not lying, you give the undercarriage a thorough visual inspection and notice a trail of oil on the ground. Turns out it's not your brother's fault, it's the car's manufacturer's fault. Maybe it's even your sister's fault for running over a curb the other day which probably caused the damage. Maybe you mockingly shake your fist in the air vowing to tease her about it later over a beer. This discovery of blame leads you to better understand the problem and to find the appropriate solution. You call up a tow truck right away, apologize to your brother and thank him, and get back on your way. Finding blame doesn't necessitate reparation. C (blaming as an absolute priority): You call up your brother, chew him out, get in a fight, waste a bunch of time, do the A situation all over again because you're too involved in your anger to be productive, so on and so forth. Sure it's a bit contrived, but my point is that as in the "B" scenario, a little bit of attention to blame helps you to understand pretty much any problem except for the most trivial. How can you know how to solve a problem (really solve it, not just patch it) if you don't know the cause? It's like painting over water damage rather than tearing it out and fixing the leak. But I see what you're saying. Maybe it would be better to just focus on the security bit of it though, rather than condemning blame wholesale which is often a necessary problem solving tool? "Prioritize fixing problems over your own security"?
So common in the workplace where for some reason we as leaders can't say, we were wrong.. it's our fault.. we look for fall guys! Point of reflection... something I will keep in mind on my leadership journey..
The video is more about “shifting blame” and how to take accountability. Many adults shift blame and or refuse to be accountable which is a bigger problem in relationships.
Would like to a piece on attempting to hold someone accountable in a clear, non-blaming way, and hearing nothing but "well that's just the way it is" with a dash of blame, on the side. That should be a fun piece!
What I noticed was that Steve hung up the phone! Right away! He knows! It wasn't his fault. He also knows there will be another conversation face-to-face later on that will take up A LOT of his precious time ... but he will be ready for it.
Yes I actually walked a couple of her videos on UA-cam and she is very good she hits it right on the head as far as problems in life and how to deal with them you know I'm very simple person nobody judge the next person we wouldn't have so many problems whatever he's done in your life don't don't be embarrassed everyone screws up one time or another and everyone has skeletons in the closet no one's perfect they may look that way but they're not keep a good soul
We need more people like her to be honest and open so the people on the outside could get an understanding of what they're going through and figure out the best way to handle it think first before you speak
I understand why the people in my life blame me for things I feel are not my fault, because they lack the ability to be accountable and to get that discomfort and pain out of them they blame others.But as someone who can handle discomfort and pain, why is it so hard for some people to be accountable?
Hard not to blame, especially when you tell someone, if you do this that will happen. 3 Months later that happens and they of course forgot all about your warning
My Grandmother and my mother, the ultimate blamers. I will not have a relationship with them because this is what I get. It is also what everyone around them gets so while I don’t have to take it personally it is still so unpleasant to watch and experience that I don’t want It at all. Plus they never grow up by practicing blame. They are stagnant which is also unbearable to me.
That my life motto, own the things that happened to you but I find that other get upset with me for not wanting to blame and just say "OK its f*cked, simply lets fix it and learn the conclusions for next time". Today I think that I learned what I need to change. When we f*ck up or mess things up what I should say is "I understand how you probably feel. Its not fun to see the mug broken on the floor. I can help you clean it and if you want, I can show you where I bought it so you can buy a new one. Maybe I can come with you". Thank you for 2 life lessons
I'm so happy to have had the opportunity to have been trained by Dr. Brown! I can vouch for her authenticity "in real life." What you see is what you get! If anyone has the opportunity to participate in The Daring Way, a 12 session psycho-educational group based on Brene's years of research into shame and vulnerability, I highly recommend it!
Blame circumstances, not people. If you dig far enough into any unfortunate event, you can pin some behavior, or lack of behavior on someone who could have done something differently to avoid the undesired outcome. Most misfortune doesn't have a face to fill the slot for blame. Too many people can't process it without having a particular person to pin it on
My ex once blamed me (with screaming and cussing and threatening) for one of our plumbing truck's engines nearly blowing up because..... The night before as he was changing the oil in the truck, I took a glass of iced tea to the garage for him because it was hot and I thought he could use a drink. I sat it on the shelf and told him it was there. So he said that because I did that and he got up for a drink, he forgot to tighten the oil pan/gasket (?) and the oil leaked out. Therefore, it was my fault that the truck leaked oil as he drove it the next day. Top that! Lol!
OMG. That's actually pretty hard to beat. Even with my ex. One that I like best is it's my fault he found a female friend to be his confidante because he was lonely after we had a miscarriage. Thank God they're exes.
Exciting news everyone!
Our #RSAshorts series (of which this video is part) has been nominated for a Webby Award! The Annual Webby Awards represent the best of the Internet, and out of nearly 13,000 projects submitted this year, RSA Shorts has made it to the final five in the ‘Animations’ category.
The winner is decided by the online public, so we need your vote! Here’s how you can help (voting closes 7th May so be quick!): bit.ly/2VMytX3
fantastic
Congratulations! Would I be able to use the clip in an eLearning module on conflict resolution?
This story is so well constructed I’m listening to it over and over again
I love this woman. She's so down to earth, and so wise.
Yeah I know...I am not sure if I love or hate her! ha ha (I love her) ;)
I wouldnt call stupidity wise. So no. Not everything on yt is true and this is another brainwashing example of it.....
Wish I had discovered Brene Brown's work a decade ago. It would have saved me so much heartache. She is brilliant and so human.
How is your life going on?
absolutely admire how she realizes this behavior of hers and its effects and from there can go and change it. Quite brave
Very brave! She’s true to her life’s work, even if it’s tough
This resolved the other half of my blame dilemma. I realized blame is externalizing responsibility, and long term is pointless as it must be paid backward to all our predecessors and the dawn of creation. To recognize it as discharging anger from the inability to maintain accountability completes the picture.
brene brown's voice coming out of a cartoon character is somehow so so damn funny
This video is spot on. It took me a while to learn but, I know blaming and worry are really defective thinking habits. I was raised by a worrier, blamer, guilter It took time and effort, but I learned to pay attention to my thoughts and feel my emotions. I say "I'm feeling...", even if it requires that I take 10 deep breathes before I speak. I learned worrying is using mental gymnastics to exhaust to exhaust myself. If I can change a situation I do. if i can't, I accept it and engage or accept it and disengage. I hold people (including myself) responsible for behavior. By that I mean I approach upsets, conflicts and discomforts without the attack that blaming implies. I had an excellent teacher, before retiring, my career involved direct patient and customer contact. I learned it so much easier to be respectful, clear and compassionate in communicating and problem solving.
I love Brene!!!! She just has a way of sharing stuff we all do without making us feel bad.
absolutely
Love this message so many people are stuck in this circle of blame and drains energy and ruins relationships
This is brilliant! Especially for people that are more visual. This is a great way to better understand all those insights
As usual, right on description of the dynamics of blame. What is missing here is a more in depth treatment of how to stop ourselves, breathe and feel down into the underlying feeling, which is ultimately not anger but the deep hurt of helplessness whose origins reside in the childhood experience. Until we learn how to stop and grieve, deeply, we can think and talk about blame brilliantly but such a cognitive approach will have limited value. We can't really think our way out of what we were wounded into. We have to feel our way down, through and finally up out of the original pain in its original context. Bob Kamm
👏👏👌
+Bob Kamm
Here's what I find works for me. I listen before I speak. That gives me breathing space and clears my head. I usually say "I am (fill in the feeling)...about" , then I reference the situation, problem, behavior. That's better received than "you make me...", which is a conversation killer that put people on the defensive. I keep focused on a satisfactory resolution, rather being "right" and having the last word. I've learned if I'm blaming some one I"m thinking and feeling they have the power in the situation. I am not a victim.
Bob Kamm
Also often it's kind of hard to distinguish between the two. I found this:
I've discovered that most of the time, when executives tell me that "what we need around here is more accountability," what they really mean is, "I need to know who I should blame when things go wrong."
www.computerworld.com/article/2566730/it-management/accountability-vs--blame.html
I agree, Jonas, that has also been my experience but my model of the Three Trusts offers a broader lens through which to view that. If all they talk about is accountability and it is really a mask for blame and punishment, then they are not going to be leaders worthy of any of the Three Trusts. So, once you get comfortable using this model, I doubt you'll have a hard time distinguishing between those who are truly worthy of trust and those who are gaming it. Thanks for your comment!
This is very spot on and so well said. I have experienced this very process. It was long and painful. It didn't happen over night and took some long winding full circles to experience this knowningness from a place of experience. It took quite a bit of action and deliberately putting myself in uncomfortable settings in order to confront these deep down underlying feelings in order to restructure the conversations with that needed to shift. It's quite something to walk through it and land on the other side of it. This journey is going to be different for everyone. The best way to start it is to surrender to it and ask universe/spirit (or the energy source that feels right) for guidance and help. And most importantly, be ready to walk though some fire. In most cases, a lot has to come tumbling down, sometimes to complete rumble in which to rebuild on. It's worth it.
Thank you for posting this, it really is a beautiful validation and reflection. I'm not always so good at putting these experiences into words, which can often ead to isolation for me sometimes.
Berne Brown is terrific. She is a shame and vulnerability researcher. she has some great books The gift of imperfection and Daring greatly. she is one of my favorites.
she's incredible with words!!
Awesome video! We've always been about owning up to yourself. Stand tall when things crumble around you and you'll see how strong you are.
THANK YOU for making this accessible through captions!!
absolutely LOVE this dr brown she has left me feeling empowered n on a natural high!!!!--she made it easy n comfortable to effectively understand what she was communicating on the human behavior!!! bravo lady excellent jon doc!
Can't help but notice that "Blame" = "Bla" + "Me." The discharge of anger.
I get it. Now I finally understand my mother. This is a master blamer.
Amazing how a 3:25 annimated video can shed light on something that I've puzzled over for 61 years! Thanks, Brene!
I mean honestly Brene Brown is everything!!! What a gift she is!!! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I like this so much! The animation is terrific and the message spot on. Hello, I am Christine and I USED to be a blamer. One of the things that helped me grow out of this was Brene's book, The Gift of Imperfection. Thank you for being here and articulating all of the "stuff" we have. You and Landmark International.
Where can I get that book for my husband????????? 🤣😂
@@LittleC81015 Amazon
“Damn you Steve!” Accountability is a vulnerable process, so let’s please not miss opportunities to empathize. Members of Congress, ALL OF THEM, are missing huge opportunities. Hence, we have our current situation of contempt from all sides. I doubt we can move forward through this political mess without some civility and empathy. How else can two sides, both apparently contemptible, come together and agree that progress is far more important than perfection?
Agreed, way too much of a divide in society between liberals and conservatives with each side playing the blame card. Shame we can’t be bigger then that in in truly engaging with each other.
Word! Couldn't have said it better myself, Scott
Dr Brene Brown, where have you been this whole time. I suppose I found you at the time I was ready to hear what you have to share. This lady explains things in such an easy and simple way. Thank you for sharing what you share. It makes a difference
This week I was in a meeting with two business leaders, both of whom commenced the meeting by accepting blame for their "misunderstanding of the situation." Leader 1 said, "It's probably my fault that I misunderstood but didn't we agree..." and proceeded to state her understanding of a previous discussion. Leader 2 said, "No, it's probably me who misunderstood, but I thought..." and put forward his view of the previous discussion. They did this repeatedly whilst at the same time pushing their own idea of how they felt about coming to a decision (on the matter being discussed). In the end a decision wasn't made (again) - it was deferred to another time (the meeting had run over) nothing was really achieved but it was a pleasant meeting.
Ughh, we need to stop this destroying of our relationships! (What I should be saying to my wife, child, coworkers, and ESPECIALLY to myself.) To Brené and Gobblynn, you were both spot on. Thank you for this. #selfevaluation #itStartsWithYou
Do no harm is the only worthwhile challenge. So NO... bullying, dictating (unless medical emergency), hypocrisy, tyranny, contempt, disrespect, negligence, incompetence, delialism, unreasonableness, nor abuses... for starters.
There should be a clarification for abuse survivors because most of the time they are blamed for everything. And part of getting out of that situation is realizing that the blame is someone else’s - and placing that blame back where it belongs - on the abuser. And for scapegoats- that can be your entire social structure that is holding together a lie for the abusive individuals.
This is a very important clarification. When you are held one hundred percent responsible for everything by abusers and their allies. then generic advice about blaming others for your problems can be very detrimental. It adds to the gaslighting and self doubt and confusion. even though it can be very helpful and necessary advice offered to individuals where abuse is not a factor. Much, much care should be taken by mental health professionals in the media to offer trauma-informed advice by providing caveats to survivors of any form of abuse.
@@Cindy-zd7ue So true!
While I understand where you’re coming from, as an abuse survivor in childhood and adulthood, I’d still say that blame is never helpful because it focuses on the past, whereas personal responsibility and accountability focuses on how to move forward. Blaming the abuser, while it’s true that their behavior is theirs to own, doesn’t actually allow us to take responsibility for our own safety and healing. One of the biggest signs of healing and growth is the ability to release blame of any kind and move forward constructively. Much love to anyone who happens to come across this comment. 🤍
I finally met a psychiatrist last week after waiting almost a year. I had to wait so long because here in Canada, if you can't pay for couselling/mental health services your only option is to wait in line ups for no-cost help and I can't pay. Well, when I walked in to meet this doctor she did everthing Brene says not to do perfectly. I walked out in tears & won't be seeing her again. I will go without medication (as I need a Dr to prescribe) as I am too scared & too invalidated to go back. Empathy doesn't take much, it isn't 'rocket science.' Whatever small measures it takes to be empathic, this psychiatrist missed the 'how to be empathic' boat big time! Thanks for a great video Brene/RSA! I am now a RSA youtube subscriber.
I was in a musical improv class, many years ago, with a brilliant woman who looked at me with compassionate eyes, after I'd done a cartwheel in a scene, in a desire to save the scene, with the end-result being I dive bombed the scene, and this is what she said, "The trick is to take the meaningful lesson from your failure."
I heard the words. But it took damn near a decade before they sank in. It's easy to blame your scene partner. It's easy to blame your business partner. It's easy to blame the client who "doesn't get it."
But you might as well be picking on Steve, "Damn You Steve." Thanks for this. It's brilliant, thoughtful & beautifully animated.
Very teaching. Thank you Brene.!
Those animations and the way the things are explained ,structured and shown are awesome. Thank you for your effort!
Taking the mandatory coursework for new in-home caregivers in Oregon (Medicaid Waiver / HCBS funded work). I'm a caregiver employer of record for my IDD daughter, so I'm doing this to learn more about training requirements and resources as part of my advocacy work. Anyway, lots of great and useful content so far in the coursework, but this video (part of the "Maintaining a Positive Attitude" module) is by far my favorite.
Well done!
This is great. I never understood blaming or blamers. Apparently they're people with deep pain. Until they work through that pain, they'll never be able to really sit down and understand solutions.
Not my most compassionate idea but I've learned that creating GREATER pain for blaming and being unaccountable, especially over time, will trigger a habit for a person or a group to become accountable.
Just listening to this makes me feel lighter. Thank you so much.
love her. She's is great role model. very human, down to earth, and not afraid to show being imperfect. that's what we need more of in this life.
Loved this!! It's funny, real and so true.....great advice!
I love these videos. Brilliant and such a fun way to extend a powerful message to the masses. Bravo to RSA and Dr. Brene Brown!
So simple, utter genius.
More of these shorts! I love them!
Accoubtability, is a vulnerable process
wow im living this right now in my life. Useful
I just got schooled by you. Thank you. I blame people a whole lot when things don't go my way, but sometimes underneath it all, I know it's my fault. Thank you once again.
I don't think that was quite the message she espoused, but you're on your way :)
Fantastic! I remember wen I told someone, "No being responsible is not enough, you must be accountable." That person stopped short and went pale and never did that thing again. However, he did not change enough. Maturity eludes some people all their lives.
+homealone2nana i like that you say maturity eludes people some all their lives. I feel so bad that children feel the brunt of this because people believe age = maturity hence nothing a child ever says is worth anything. :)
+homealone2nana what is the difference between responsible and accountable? Sorry, English is not my first language.
When you enjoy people turning pale it sounds pretty much as blaming btw ...
+Dodec84 When a person is responsible they can pay their bills on time, this is one example. When a person is accountable, they tell the truth if they have broken the law and also take the punishment that goes with it. This is one example of accountability.
+Shalini Upadhyay Yes, it is so very important to let children know how important they are, to hear them and to truly see them. To let them know how valuable they are, that they are of great worth. To show then that they are loved with healthy affection, listen to them and validate them with good feedback and with proof that we listen, see and hear them as they grow and progress. I love children, they are our most valuable resource.
+homealone2nana disagree as there are extenuating circumstances, a French teacher taught me that to my surprise omce when I was apologizing for asking for something
Very good as always! First listened to you in Grad school. I'm still listening and learning more. Thanks.
Beautifully described
In the core of violence is the blame culture, so I don't really see how a simple reminder can hurt. You know how we humans are, we tend to forget...
Alejandro Jr. Tamonan
That was nice. : )
It is far easier to look on the outside with the eyes for blame , then it is to look on the inside with the heart for accountability,....Inner peace out weights outer ciaos and confusion every time,.. Accountability is a hard "Pill" to swallow,...
+Madgoogdog pills sometimes larger in size are yucky to swallow
The only problem w/Brene, there isn’t more of her to go around! I don’t get lost in her messages, she’s so easy to understand! Thanks Brene!
So true and so powerful!
We need to learn how to recognize and handle our emotions and understand why we want to know whose fault is it all time, I need to hold accountable for my own decisions
One of the key points in Brene's piece is the use of blame to deflect accountability by the individual.
So good.
One of my pastors pointed this out to me last year and it changed my life. When something goes wrong, my instant reaction is to go "well it's not really my fault because....." or "Well it was my fault but I shouldn't be subject to any punishment because.....". My first reaction is to be really defensive. But that doesn't help fix the problem. Her blaming her husband did help the cup get cleaned up any faster, or clean her clothes, it ONLY hurts her relationship with her husband.
When I do that in real life, it sends the message that I can't handle problems, I can only avoid them, by making excuses.
So I'm learning again to just say "this happened, if it's my fault I'm sorry, let's deal with it".
I feel like a lot of other people do this too and I really encourage you to think back on the last time you messed up, what was your first reaction? Was it "it's not my fault" or was it "let's fix this"?
RainAngel111 Those aren't always mutually exclusive, though. What are your feelings on "It's not my fault but let's fix this"?
I see blaming as a combination of two separate things... assigning of fault to a cause and assigning of responsibility to fix/make reparation/etc. eg, someone could say it was their parents' fault that they have certain personality defects, but it's their own responsibility to fix it.
I've found that people don't usually separate those two components, they assume that the process of seeking a cause to a problem has evasion of reparation as the only driving factor. imo it should always be attempted to find cause to a problem, sometimes that identifies a new entity that deserves to provide reparation but most of the time it just helps you better understand the problem and how to avoid it in the future (usually, the only way to understand this).
Maybe the problem is when people overfocus on the first half (causation) and ignore the second half (resolution)? Though different situations require different balances... Someone too far to the second half would keep repeating their same mistakes and be very easy to manipulate.
John Wilkinson I agree with your insight. A whole and Rational evaluation of a fault need not be all about the cause or the resolution of it. Tracking, connecting, Verifying and understanding a cause from all of it's angles and placing a blame where it's due will prevent us from falling victim to it again. It also provides an excellent opportunity to self- reflect and diagnose what made us susceptible to it in the first place. Full accountability in its entirety seldom falls only on a single individual as multiple flaws of personalities between the offender and the victim tend to cohesively feed one another and ultimately culminate to an assult or a mistreatment.
John Wilkinson What is the advantage of saying, "It's not my fault but let's fix this" over "Let's fix this"?
In the first saying there are two topics: blame and responsibility. "It's not my fault" does nothing to assign responsibility (response-ability). "Let's fix this" assigns responsibility, and in so doing, gives an implicit affirmation of the power to "fix this".
"Let's fix this" also engages the creative gears.
"It's not my fault" engages the defensive gears.
IMO saying "Let's fix this" is better.
John Wilkinson My main point is that "let's fix this" is the first and most important thing that you should say. If you were on a roadtrip and the car breaks down, you don't want to know who forgot to change the oil, or check the tire pressure. You want someone to fix it. ANYONE, whether it was their fault or not. AFTER it's fixed is when you want to know whose fault it is and why. The ONLY time you should ever need to know whose fault it is BEFORE fixing a problem is when knowing who caused the problem is the only way to fix it, but that's a rare problem.
Basically, when someone reacts to a problem with "It's not my fault", they aren't trying to help find the solution to the problem and they aren't trying to find out why the problem happened either. They're only trying to protect themselves. If you're defensive then it says that you are afraid of being accused. You don't trust that these people aren't trying to attack you. You don't trust that they aren't going to immediately blame you, and you're thinking of your own security before actually caring about the problem.
Thanks to you both for replying respectfully.
Steve Coan - I agree that being creative rather than defensive is better, but I would argue that being able to balance both rather than use one or the other for a given problem is usually preferred. See below for an example.
RainAngel111 - I agree with most of what you said, but imho there is actual value in some degree of defensiveness, at least beyond simply your own security. Consider the following extensions of your analogy:
A (fixing as an absolute priority): The car breaks down, the indicator shows it's out of oil. You know your brother was in charge of refilling the oil and you're tempted to give him a call and chew him out but you decide to take initiative and refill the oil yourself instead and spare him the annoyance. It doesn't matter what the cause is, the car needs more oil. You walk a few miles to and from the nearest gas station, pour more oil in it, and take off. Soon the car breaks down again and you realize that there must be an oil leak, it's not holding oil. By now the car has additional damage and by the time a tow truck brings you to the nearest mechanic they're closed and you have to find a place to stay for the night.
B (blame discovery in parallel with fixing): You trust your brother but why would it break down if he had filled it like you asked him to? Something doesn't add up... You give him a call to verify, knowing that it might come off as an accusation but trusting that he'll understand. He confirms, you trust that he's not lying, you give the undercarriage a thorough visual inspection and notice a trail of oil on the ground. Turns out it's not your brother's fault, it's the car's manufacturer's fault. Maybe it's even your sister's fault for running over a curb the other day which probably caused the damage. Maybe you mockingly shake your fist in the air vowing to tease her about it later over a beer. This discovery of blame leads you to better understand the problem and to find the appropriate solution. You call up a tow truck right away, apologize to your brother and thank him, and get back on your way. Finding blame doesn't necessitate reparation.
C (blaming as an absolute priority): You call up your brother, chew him out, get in a fight, waste a bunch of time, do the A situation all over again because you're too involved in your anger to be productive, so on and so forth.
Sure it's a bit contrived, but my point is that as in the "B" scenario, a little bit of attention to blame helps you to understand pretty much any problem except for the most trivial. How can you know how to solve a problem (really solve it, not just patch it) if you don't know the cause? It's like painting over water damage rather than tearing it out and fixing the leak.
But I see what you're saying. Maybe it would be better to just focus on the security bit of it though, rather than condemning blame wholesale which is often a necessary problem solving tool? "Prioritize fixing problems over your own security"?
Keeping it real Brene! Love how you bring your personal experience to your work!
I enjoyed this video very much and I learned a lot from it
Love the animated presentation of a profound topic in an interesting way.
So common in the workplace where for some reason we as leaders can't say, we were wrong.. it's our fault.. we look for fall guys!
Point of reflection... something I will keep in mind on my leadership journey..
These videos are so brilliant
The video is more about “shifting blame” and how to take accountability. Many adults shift blame and or refuse to be accountable which is a bigger problem in relationships.
Awesome short video on BLAME
MORE bene brown PLEASE :3
+Choco Candy yeah
Bree' Brown is brilliant with her thoughts and revelations about blaming!
Loved it! And I love the entire presentation that she did x
So good!
Thanks Brene
I find I often blame myself to have control over what has happened.
I sure wish you'd create some more videos on Anxieties, depressions and trauma
Brene is very wise and she also makes an adorable animated character.
please make more of this.. the lesson stick.
old, but gold short! love it!
Would like to a piece on attempting to hold someone accountable in a clear, non-blaming way, and hearing nothing but "well that's just the way it is" with a dash of blame, on the side. That should be a fun piece!
Blame never bothers me as much as denial from others. They should go hand in hand. Denial is just as dangerous.
I like to say "you did it" or "your fault again" - to those that know, because it bursts any stress.
What I noticed was that Steve hung up the phone! Right away! He knows! It wasn't his fault. He also knows there will be another conversation face-to-face later on that will take up A LOT of his precious time ... but he will be ready for it.
Great video and animation!
this isn't simply blaming. it's blaming your own problem on someone else
sometimes a few seconds of blaming solves the problem
Yes I actually walked a couple of her videos on UA-cam and she is very good she hits it right on the head as far as problems in life and how to deal with them you know I'm very simple person nobody judge the next person we wouldn't have so many problems whatever he's done in your life don't don't be embarrassed everyone screws up one time or another and everyone has skeletons in the closet no one's perfect they may look that way but they're not keep a good soul
We need more people like her to be honest and open so the people on the outside could get an understanding of what they're going through and figure out the best way to handle it think first before you speak
EXCELLENT
I understand why the people in my life blame me for things I feel are not my fault, because they lack the ability to be accountable and to get that discomfort and pain out of them they blame others.But as someone who can handle discomfort and pain, why is it so hard for some people to be accountable?
Hard not to blame, especially when you tell someone, if you do this that will happen. 3 Months later that happens and they of course forgot all about your warning
Dr Brown is the best!
Excellent! Thank you!
OUCH, spot on!
I really appreciate your effort to tell wisdom of her.. can I use this video to discuss shame with my colleague teachers?
Of course. It’s a process of relief for physiological discomfort. Or pressure. Surely this is obvious
we need more videos like these by brene brown please
My Grandmother and my mother, the ultimate blamers. I will not have a relationship with them because this is what I get. It is also what everyone around them gets so while I don’t have to take it personally it is still so unpleasant to watch and experience that I don’t want It at all. Plus they never grow up by practicing blame. They are stagnant which is also unbearable to me.
Wow this is really good! I love this
I love the entire presentation tht she did..🖤
I just love this!!!
That my life motto, own the things that happened to you but I find that other get upset with me for not wanting to blame and just say "OK its f*cked, simply lets fix it and learn the conclusions for next time".
Today I think that I learned what I need to change.
When we f*ck up or mess things up what I should say is "I understand how you probably feel. Its not fun to see the mug broken on the floor. I can help you clean it and if you want, I can show you where I bought it so you can buy a new one. Maybe I can come with you".
Thank you for 2 life lessons
This explains a lot! Thanks for the info!
Really enjoyed the blame video!
I'm so happy to have had the opportunity to have been trained by Dr. Brown! I can vouch for her authenticity "in real life." What you see is what you get! If anyone has the opportunity to participate in The Daring Way, a 12 session psycho-educational group based on Brene's years of research into shame and vulnerability, I highly recommend it!
Blame circumstances, not people. If you dig far enough into any unfortunate event, you can pin some behavior, or lack of behavior on someone who could have done something differently to avoid the undesired outcome.
Most misfortune doesn't have a face to fill the slot for blame. Too many people can't process it without having a particular person to pin it on
I love these mini thought pieces.
My ex once blamed me (with screaming and cussing and threatening) for one of our plumbing truck's engines nearly blowing up because.....
The night before as he was changing the oil in the truck, I took a glass of iced tea to the garage for him because it was hot and I thought he could use a drink.
I sat it on the shelf and told him it was there.
So he said that because I did that and he got up for a drink, he forgot to tighten the oil pan/gasket (?) and the oil leaked out.
Therefore, it was my fault that the truck leaked oil as he drove it the next day.
Top that! Lol!
I'm glad he is your ex!
Jackie Moreau he's your ex for a reason.
OMG. That's actually pretty hard to beat. Even with my ex. One that I like best is it's my fault he found a female friend to be his confidante because he was lonely after we had a miscarriage. Thank God they're exes.
@@dockeebler good greif. what about YOUR feelings after a miscarriage? Or am I being Captain Obvious?
Hamare desh me ladkiya esa karti hai🤣😛
This was great! Funny because we all have been there!
Loved this!!
this woman is amazing:)
I love this!!
I have the opposite problem. I keep on blaming myself for things that are not my fault and I can't help it.
+Unknown Vampire that's why she says "we rather blame ourselves than no one"
+Unknown Vampire practice can help and reminders as in sports with referees signing signal of mistakes
Loved this ❤️