- hard to win with women. - i stopped trying when i began to care more about my own happiness & well-being. - women will destroy you, and then call you a loser. imagine that!
women think they are the prize and if they dont get what they want then they'll create problems and start complaining. They are feel that they are owed everything because they get attention from men. they lack empathy for the man and they want to exploit us and leave us to hang dry.
I think this is so backwards to say. What your happiness would look like if you're alone is completely different from what your happiness look like with someone.
@@geegeesnation3869 You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. If you provide a woman everything she desires and think she's going to be happy, she won't. You can never *MAKE* her happy. People making 5 figures want to make 6 figures. People making 6 figures want to be millionaires. Millionaires want to be billionaires. Billionaires want to be trillionaires. trillionaires want to be quadrillionaires. How much is enough? It is never enough. The person in question has to decide, "I'm perfectly happy with this." However, for most this usually comes after, "I'm so tired of working." If you're the one being provided for, who never has to lift a finger and work and support yourself because the other person is. It takes a very special person to be the one to say, "No more free presents, I have enough, I am happy." This is why you cannot make a woman happy. She has to decide for herself that it's enough, that she's happy. But that is highly improbable to ever happen.
@@rpersen Yes, you are RESPONSIBLE for your happiness. But that doesn't mean you're expected to be happy alone and isolated from the world. It means you choose to surround yourself with the people and comforts that contribute to that happiness. That doesn't mean that one or more of those people can't undermine your happiness by their behavior, which requires corrective action on your part to convince them to modify that behavior or excise that person from your circle.
You have reminded me how awful it was to have to deal with a narcissist on a daily basis. Divorcing her was the best thing that ever happened. I cannot conceive of ever repeating the mistake of getting married again.
NPD individuals (legit diagnosable) have to be avoided and divorced. Look on the bright side if they are legit NPD, there was never any actual relationship happening anyway. They are children (usually literal toddlers) in terms of some of their key development stages in life still, so they cannot have an adult relationship period.
Amen and 110%. The narc is always top down in judgement and punishment. When she tried to turn my kids on me. I left. They still love me but imagine they tire of her. Bring free is the greatest. Minor bouts of loneliness are nothing compared to blistering criticism and apathy to my human needs.
Good. People should not be married to people who mistreat them. Glad you got out of them. Not sure why people think I’m advocating for being treated like shit. I’m advocating for nonassholes to eliminate conflict and misunderstanding in their relationships.
Be careful about thinking you will never make the same mistake. Hope that is true, really, I am sincere about that, but you must keep your guard up. Nature and evolution (to insure the species survives) has evolved ways to trick you into thinking "this time it will be different". I think it is called oxytocin. Makes you crazy. Makes you think "this time it is special". And perhaps it really IS special this time. Of course that is what most of us thought the last time ... and the time before that...
One thing I have learned throughout my 62 years on this planet, is don't keep quiet for the sake of peace. It just results in becoming a punching bag and an easy target for mental abuse. It's taken me this long to realise it, but I speak my mind now, despite upsetting people sometimes... They soon get over it and start talking to me with a bit of respect.
this is why society has becoming dysfunctional because men have kept quiet for too long. women have an overinflated ego and they'll never be told anyhting. smh
@@JoeBlowUK I’ve tried to keep the peace and not sharing how I’ve felt or drawing lines at what point I’m not going to take crap. I married my wife with 3 kids she had from previous marriage and it has been nothing hut hell. Her expectations went to the moon and when I told her mine she turned it back on me that I was to shut up.
My ex was never happy with anything I did to include moving mountains for her. She later accused me of cheating despite I have been faithful thru years of sexless marriage. I protested her accusation. She responded no one would have not cheated given the way she treated me. Can't win for losing.
My goodness!! And you put up a sexless marriage for years? She was testing you! Nothing you would do was enough cause in fact...she didn't love you. Sorry but that's the true 😢
Our son was just born, sitting in a high end restaurant, just bought a gorgeous home and upgraded our car to a luxury model. I was earning a small fortune, she gave up work no financial problems, quite the contrary. We are sitting in this lovely restaurant and I can see that she is not happy AT ALL. She keeps looking over at this over at this other lady who is with her own new baby and a group of friends. My wife was utterly jealous of that woman, why? Because the other lady was younger, prettier, slimmer, happier. That my friends is a sad fact.
Men are wise to not try to emotionally read the mind of their spouse. Ask what's wrong and if she says nothing she has just proven something really awful. Maybe she's not honest, maybe feeling terrible but not because of anything tangible so lies and says nothing, maybe withholding the truth which is basically living, maybe not capable of wording what's going on inside her and not capable of even phrasing that. Get her out of your life quickly! An emotionally upset woman without the ability to discuss and resolve it will do other destructive 🎉 behaviors driven by a FEELING of which she can't articulate, control, understand, let go of, and the like. This is basically a crazy person that's being controlled by some unknown and unpredictable force and they REFUSE to fight against that unseen force so they can have a better life.
My wife is the same.. same exact scenario (new home, 2 fancy cars 100k each, 7 figure salary, gave her a family(she came from a broken home and was an only child) and she’s upset at the world because she essentially aging and is no longer the “prettiest girl” in the group. O yea she even got a surrogate because she didn’t want to get fat and I went along with it all because I was blinded by love.. I m waking up now and she hates it. She even called the cops on me a few times.
Im going to be rude and tuff but hopefully helpful. You were/are blinded by your emotions and she is also. Dont let your disruptive emotions make you blind and behave in a way even remotely improper, for your sake. ITs okay to be upset but not constructive to act out of the irritation. If she called the cops then its likely there is some interpretation that you did behave unconstructively. The leagal system will eat you alive so please be careful!@@timmy101able
@@timmy101able I hear you Timmy, it is very, very sad. They rate their value on how they look and wanting to be the stunner forever that all women and men want to be. They do not realise what is important and what they have. It is good that you are awake and know the truth.
I'm 55 and on my third marriage. My experience is that NO woman is EVER happy. It's just not possible. If a woman is in a position where she should at least theoretically be happy, she'll find a way to sabotage it.
I'm almost 60. Married and divorced twice. Always tried to be a good and fair husband without being pushed over by my wife. They are never happy. There is always something to complain about. If I would be considerate and sort the dishes. Then it's the drop of water on the floor that's the issue.. or I used too much dish liquid.. or ysed the wrong dish cloth.. or forgot to wipe the stove.. or pack away the laundy.. then I fold the clothes wrong.. or pack the tshirt on the wrong shelf. I don't know. Think it's better just to do nothing and concentrate on yourself. At least when you do nothing.. you cant be doing anything wrong
At the end of the day this all boils down to you not being her first choice. If she truly valued you as her best option she wouldn't get pissed about you leaving the toilet seat up or not doing a grocery shop. Took me a long time to realize this.
I've heard that before, but not sure. Is SHE always OUR first choice? Is she literally a 9 or 10 level in looks, bangin' body, with a great loving personality who craves us constantl and rarely gets annoyed or down? No, usually she's decent looking, loves us, has her naggy moments, and yes, she wonders about Chad. Accept it.
You'll never be a woman's FIRST CHOICE so get rid of that mentality. Either a woman is with you or she is not. That's all there is to it. If you're sitting there expecting a woman to make you her FIRST CHOICE, you'll be waiting forever. Just do your thing in life and if you want to be with someone and they want to be with you, they'll come along. If not, oh well just continue doing your thing.
@@Eddybo22 brother you've missed the point of my post. I'm essentially saying chase excellence, not women. Never settle for someone who doesn't value you or view you as a win in her eyes.
What kind of a hell hole are we living in if every step, ever breath we make we have to worry about what she thinks??? I am so angry after watching this video!
Men used to choose their wives, or family. Women used to be taught how to treat their man. Coincidence? No. Woman can be divorced whenever a man finds her no longer fit/clean for the marriage. What changed? Oh... the government.
@@SKBottom Agree!!! Each angry moment is a debit from your account. Eventually you’ll check your balance and have absolutely no more f*cks to give. 🤷♂️ IJS
Married 45 years, both retired, two beautiful grand babies, 3000 square ft house paid off, country club, no debt. She can buy anything she wants, 3 or 4 vacations a year.....and she mopes around the house pissed off all the time. So what gives?
@@KarenHicks2820 Says a woman that will never be pleased or happy in her life,.....you have no business watching this video,....but maybe it will give you insite of why you'll never be happy in your relationships,.....All woman want is "things" You say woman value relationships? Safety wont be enough,....Intimacy? translates= He's needy & wants too much sex,....Ya cant win ,..you know it,......your names Karen,......thats the first red flag
Happiness is a state of mind. It totally internally driven. You cannot make another person happy. Each individual has to consciously decide to cultivate an aditude of gratitude and love for other people. Only then will you find inner happiness that doesnt depend on someone else.
You are trying to be clever but despite all your reading You write stupid sentences. Hapines is related to your inner attitudes , beliefs and family of origin landscape BUT it can be heavily elicited ( in positive or negative direction) by your surrounding and its Inconsiderate ACTIONS. Addvertising industry is the Best example . (*If what you are saying is a truth - then... Advertising industry would not spend TRILLIONS of dollars on external influences.) We live in a System - not in a vacuum... so external activities can elicit unHapiness in any man and in any women. Though all statistics proof that women and children are TARGETED Audience of advertising companies ... As they spend far more time looking how Life should be - on TV ... Then men... men are confronted with Life out there - first hand so men fantasize about imaginary life much less.
Happiness (I prefer to call it contentment) as an adult requires some philosophical grounding to acheive. It's rare enough among modern men, but I can count on zero fingers how many women I've run across personally who are interested in thinking this way.
You CAN work together to create the conditions of Relationship happiness, but that requires negotiation and practice on her part. Women are terrible at this.
It's not about your happiness depending on someone else. If I wasn't locked into a lifelong monogamous contract to my wife, I could dump her and be totally happy on my own. But since I am in a lifelong monogamous contract with her, I'm not happy because she doesn't give me the love and respect I'm entitled to as a good man. And she is unhappy because I don't bow to her every selfish demand, nor does she communicate or negotiate with me. She simply makes demands and manipulates.
There's a problem with all of this. Some guys are absolutely knocking it out of the park and are not committing these issues yet they still have absolutely terrible spouses who spend every single waking second looking for a reason to be unhappy. Some spouses have issues, mental issues, hormonal issues, generational learned behaviors that are absolutely their fault. This message can be super dangerous for people who are living in those relationships where at the tip of a hat, they have a spouse who's emotionally unstable and unable to have rational adult conversations about basic conflicts.
This. These emotionally broken women are stuck on the lack of safety. Not because we're doing anything to make them feel unsafe, rather, because they haven't worked through their trauma. I'd do relationship check ins weekly. The answer was always fine. I pushed for emotional vulnerability, conversation, working on things. No dice. Broken people can't or won't. Then you get blamed for everything. A total mess. Glad I'm done with the insanity, I won't go back.
@@jackthereyep, I’d argue this is most dudes in relationships with modern women. They’re a mess. They literally believe most men are a potential rapist and ⅓ women are SexAsalted (algorith approved spelling) and man wanting his own partner is potential SexHaras ment of the woman. They’ve been mentally corrupted and turned against men and they see their partners as competitors. They’re literally incapable of a healthy relationship with a man. They’ll most likely ruin everything around them without it ever crossing their mind it’s their own fault. Me and most dudes I know have gone through terrible things at the hands of modern wahmen, and we all went “looking for love, but instead got a certificate in cluster B personality disorders”. They will burn their whole relationship before ever admitting to the smallest wrong. The average modern western woman is a walking disaster of contradictions and projection and self hatred while trying to imitate masculinity, and they’re objectively the most messed up generation of females in history. They see threats where there are none, and no threat where there is danger. Men have to work 10 times as hard as their grandfathers for women 20 times worse than their grandmothers. There’s literally nothing you can do to make them feel safe unless they realize their perceptions and ideas are completely skewed
“.. emotionally unstable and unable to have rational adult conversations about basic conflicts.” And therein lies the rub, and the reason this sneaky little conflict pattern in relationships is what very slowly ends them. Who decides what is an acceptable emotional reaction to something? Who decides what is and is not a rational concern? I always calculated my ex-wife’s reactions as over emotional or hypersensitive. And I always calculated her anger, fear or sadness about something I thought of as minor as “irrational.” You and I (and almost everyone) defaults to the logically flawed assumption that our interpretation of life events should dictate how others think and feel about those events, or about us. We judge others as somehow wrong because they’re experiencing sadness, anger, fear, stress, or otherwise pain of some kind. And I’m saying if you do that in your relationships, they will all eventually turn to shit and there won’t be safety and trust. I’m not saying it’s fair. I’m not saying it’s convenient. I’m saying if we don’t speak and act in a manner that results in safety and trust for OTHERS’ diverse experiences from our own, then our interpersonal lives are going to have some unpleasant shit go on. Even more unpleasant than the inconvenience of having to validate others emotional experiences, and to in general be considerate of other peoples needs and wants, even if they’re different than our own needs and wants. All of that said, we are ALSO responsible for partner selection. Imagine dating or marrying someone with type 1 diabetes and then treating their dietary needs and insulin needs as unnecessary burdens for you on account of the fact that they don’t have to worry about those same things for you. Their health requires different things. Maybe if you married someone who had horrible shit happen to them in their youth - betrayal and abuse by parents or other trusted people - maybe they have trauma and sensitivities you and I can’t understand because the same bad shit didn’t happen to us. Still, I ask: How are we not responsible for consideration and need fulfillment as their partner even if they require a little more from us than our perception of other people’s relationships? Either we choose to be single. A perfectly legitimate option. Or we choose partnership. Both have conditions and trade offs attached to them. Most people are predisposed and inclined to pursue partnerships. It’s been observed in mammalian behavior as far back as history and science books go. Thus, my message. You want relational stability and health? Perhaps responding to those we live with language that communicates that we think they’re wrong, stupid, crazy, hypersensitive, overreacting, and that we are never responsible for the way they feel therefore we’re never going to change maybe has something to do with the absence of safety, trust and “rationality” in our shared lives with someone else.
@@jackthere You seriously believe every single girl or woman you ever dated is crazy and irrational, and that you’re the victim of their insanity? Or might it be that the same behavior patterns and habits emerged in each relationship, resulting in them expressing some negative emotions toward you which you found confusing and didn’t like? I’m not suggesting you ever did something bad or wrong. Maybe you didn’t. You don’t have to do anything wrong in order for another person to be hurt or afraid.
If we don’t heal our childhood traumas (85%~ish) we are 5 year olds looking for other 5 year olds to meet our needs eg: love, validation, safety, etc. Ever see an adult throw a temper tantrum & you think, “Wow, what are they, a 5 year old child?” Many therapy sessions & books later ( I loved your book!) I learned the recipe for amazing relationships: become aware of then heal your traumas, love yourself mind-body-spirit, & be content, & happy alone you’ll be able pick & attract a partner based on your mature & healthy self. So my partner is a bonus to an already happy me, not a need to fill a giant void which I am responsible. ❤️
Yeah, the title of your video reminds me of what the character, Al Bundy said in an episode of the comedy, "Married, with Children". "It doesn't matter what you decide, Bud. It'll always be the wrong choice". This is the golden humorous nugget that he advised his son, Bud, about even attempting to please a wife.
@@donreinholz8121 They pout and deliver subpar crappy results and think their wives should just be happy to get poop. It’s a peter pan thing aka super immaturity. Real men want to give their women the world and walk with them. My dad said treat your spouse like it’s the beginning of dating and you are so excited to do the best things for her and don’t let that die because who you marry should be worth that. My parents had a fantastic marriage, they absolutely adored each other!
Ive never met a gal who was truly happy. If you scratch just below the surface of her happiness you will find an unhappy gal. What gals don't understand it their responsibility to be happy and nobody can do it for you. A big problem I see is that everybody addresses the issue as being the guys fault and how he must change to make her happy but nobody ever says it is her own fault for being unhappy. This video basically is saying that men must walk on eggshells and jump thru her indefinable hoops and get on her unstable emotional roller-coaster. That is so unfair. If your gal says she is unhappy with you, then you tell her to go see a therapist . if she says its just your fault and you must change then its best to get out of that toxic relationship. And believe me, she will still be unhappy without you.
My wife is the same.. same exact scenario (new home, 2 fancy cars 100k each, 7 figure salary, gave her a family(she came from a broken home and was an only child) and she’s upset at the world because she essentially aging and is no longer the “prettiest girl” in the group. O yea she even got a surrogate because she didn’t want to get fat and I went along with it all because I was blinded by love.. I m waking up now and she hates it. She even called the cops on me a few times for no reason at all really. Even the cop who showed up after the third time and realized what was happening said I need to leave before o get in trouble. His exact words were “when we get involved I ve never see a relationship survive. Leave before she gets you in trouble..”
The concept needs to work both ways though. I can’t go around micro correcting my behaviour to fit with her ‘ideal’ when my ‘ideal’ isn’t considered. I’m willing to go the extra mile but relationships work when there is give and take on both sides not just take take take… my wife’s favourite saying is “what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine”. She says this as a joke but her actions fit all the same
You are the only one you have control of. Work on yourself, solicit & accept feedback even when it isn't positive, and invite your life partner into the work with you. Be one horse leading another to water and model the healthy hydration instead of acting like you are two different species one who knows better than the other. That seems to me what Matt is trying to do for the clueless dude subset of the population. No one can make another being drink of any source, no matter how wise.
Maslow’s hierarchy was debunked long ago. It’s overly simplistic. People jump the levels all the time. Not sure why someone is writing a book if he is using stale psychology.
So, given that we currently have an epidemic of anxiety (especially among women) how can one distinguish between a wife who is anxious because of something her husband is doing or failing to do and a wife who is anxious for any number of other issues (past abuse, trauma, etc) and whose regular response to her husband is a defense mechanism (“I feel bad therefore someone else is causing me to feel this way and the most obvious culprit is my husband“). Your counsel here is irresponsibly naive and simplistic. A wise counselor needs to know how to distinguish between these two very real options and not just take either the wife’s or the husband’s story at face value.
Man I just realised this deep dark Blue Pill tinge in this video !!! You are more then right here !!! 👋🖐️👏👏👏. (* Please reed my comment ... and an explanation about this built In- anomaly .)
I can't stomach the safety thing and would rather be alone. That said, the speaker helped me be certain that I have correctly understood what safety means to women, so I appreciate this content. BTW, if anyone has reasons to feel unsafe around here, it's me, not her. Still, I am not in agony about it, at all.@@jaydunstan1618
That's a really creative and insightful application of Maslow's hierarchy of needs to personal relationships. I read a comment on another website about how "minor" slights, indiscretions, transgressions etc often end up in relationship breakdown. And I responded that it was the "Broken Windows" theory applied to personal relationships.
Its not a matter of “feeling safe”, whatever tf that means. Its a matter of her thinking she can do better which you should oblige and wish her the best of luck
Yup. After the intoxication of the first 6 months to 2 years has worn off, she starts comparing and contrasting, then starts to feel she can do better. Definitely.
Yes, excellent analysis. Great insight. Hypergamy is also Safety and MUST be satisfied, going both ways, pre-requisite to any exploration of Maslow's 3rd-Level.
I've watched countless videos now on UA-cam to try and figure out what is going wrong with my relationship with my wife and I. This is spot on. Thank you so much.
You just described mine GF. There is thousand of things that can make feel un-safe or hurt. Like leaving spoon in a sink, curtains are not in position, pencil left on table, ... She speaks openly how she feels abandoned/invalidated when I forget one of the thousand rules she made up. I cannot live in such environment anymore, there is NO place for me.
If she feels unsafe and unloved if I leave a dish by the sink after putting in a 12 hour day paying for her life, she is not concerned about our relationship. She is only concerned about herself. I give 110% so she can have whatever she wants. She gives 110% to do the same for me....we are other-focused rather than self-focused. This advice is ridiculous. It assumes the woman is a child to be coddled.
You have found a Unicorn. It’s what we all want. And never find. Women like your great wife were commonplace in the 40’s 50’s and part of the 60’s. Today with Divorce being the norm, there are a lot of damaged people. My best advice is look at the family unit, if it’s fairly sound and her Mom is a good person. You are probably good, but if not. Move on. You have to realize, the risks all fall on the Man
I have been reading your Blogs for quite some time: Must Be This Tall, Open Letter to Sh!@&* Husbands, etc. The most impactful portion of this video is the 90 seconds starting at about the 5 minute mark. I wish I had known to put my feelings in such a clear and concise way. I actually found you because I was trying to figure out why my husband was never happy with me. I always blamed myself for his unhappiness. Reading much of what you put out I could identify some of my behaviors and take responsibility. Ultimately I am divorcing a person unhappy with himself. I have no energy left to do that work for him. However, I am appreciative for your discussions as it helps me explain to our children a better way to understand a partner when that partner might not have the right words to express their feelings. Thank you for helping us better explain AND understand. Cheers to the new book, and I wish you much success.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your family. And at the same time, am so glad that you love and respect yourself enough to choose a better, healthier way of life. ♥️
I just wonder how the sex and general appreciation was in your relationship? Verbally. Did you tell him thatyou love it when he… did you initiate sec and actively participate enjoying it and thank him for it? Not just show up butnot show up emotionally! I just wonder. My wife checks sll the boxes cook clean care for family and obligations. But doesn't like me. In those ways listed above. Incapable of words of affirmation. I've gotten above the trees to see the forest. But was all the time angry. I wasn't getting what I married for or who I thought I married she disappeared early on. Specially when she became a mother. Please answer not trying to be mean.
This comment section is so, sooooooooooooo telling. Almost none of the men who watched this video actually listened and processed and understood and absorbed the message. Almost all of them missed the point. Clicked the link, read the title, chose to watch, and then listened to RESPOND rather than understand. It would almost be comedic if it weren't so disappointing.
Even though a woman has accrued past benefits from her relationship with a man, this is no guarantee of her continuing the relationship with him. (Translation: What have you done for me lately?). If a woman promises a man to continue her relationship with him in the future in exchange for a benefit received from him today, her promise becomes null and void as soon as the benefit is rendered. (“I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.“). A man’s promise of a future benefit has limited ability to secure a continuing relationship with a woman, and his promise carries weight with her only to the extent that the woman’s wait for the benefit is short and to the extent that she trusts him to keep his promise.
@@kaiserpuppydog7174 ...Good old Briffault's Law. I tend to think of it like this: Women like things about men or there wouldn’t be any attraction? On the other hand, there’s stuff they don’t like, but this comes down to dealing with people - or anything else in life. In the case of a breakup or divorce it usually comes down to the stuff they don’t like being greater than the stuff they do like. The other scenario is when a certain person tries to get an upgrade; that is, more stuff they do like and less they don't like. Of course, a big divorce settlement is something women like and can tip the scales.
This "invalidation problem" Fray is describing, in the context of failing to be an adequate household drudge in the eyes of your wife, is EXACTLY reciprocal to how she treats you in the context of failing to meet your need for physical intimacy. She is invalidating your need for intimacy in the same way that you are invalidating her need for a clutter-free floor, and that will make you feel unsafe as well, like she doesn't care for you at all.
Choreplay is grounds for divorce. In what world is any of that sane? Basically ruining the entire relationship over very minor things. In a relationship people have to compromise. If the man is holding up 98% and has been a great provider and father, why nag him about the 2%?
have these women been to other countries, this is a joke they are privlege princesses who never had to struggle. they are privilege and we let them tell us what to do. men are more mature than women today, we've seen how they think of us when they take men to the cleaners and put us on child support.
I believe most people are not self-aware. However what you said about invalidation is where we can recover from our in/actions and repair our relationship.
My Wife and I should have divorced along time ago. I admit. I am very flawed. But I have knocked it out of the park I run a successful business and bent over backwards for her only to get ridiculed for the one small thing that wasn’t right in what I did. I finally told her look I am killing myself trying to please you and you make sure to find the wrong and have a reason to not be appreciative of my efforts. I was being berated so bad about my messiness that I finally picked up everything that was mine out of the house and put it in the garage. Clothes and everything. She said you are ridiculous I said yeah maybe I am but now nothing is in here and you can’t bitch about it now. My next move is moving out. I have changed and things are a little better and she is going to the doctor because she thinks she has a hormone imbalance. I hope it works cause I was done 8 months ago.
You need to sit down with her and talk about social media and attention online. It's destroying marriages daily. Stay calm and loving but be firm. It's absurd you are tapdancing for her like that.
Your wife checked out long time ago, you need to wake up and not waste any more time with her. Going to the doctor is buying her time while you continue to suffer. Let her go.
You're a good man. I can tell because you admit you have flaws. Only good men do that. Same happens with me and my wife. I bend over backwards and she emasculates and there's no win for us in sight. No matter how I negotiate or try to make a win-win she doesn't care. She takes one thought of her imagination and runs with it. She "doesn't feel safe" because I don't capitate to all of her selfish demands and her constant clinginess to her family. She wants for nothing and I provide everything. One day she will be a little lovey dovey, next day she will be resentful for whatever reason. When in reality, the one who doesn't feel safe is me. She could take my son and my entire net worth at any given moment and I could lose everything. None of my emotional needs or perspectives will ever be acknowledged. I will never be validated or respected no matter what I do.
@@clauderock5600hes fooked by the courts if he divorces her.. she’s going to the doctors to say she’s feeling miserable this that and will use that against him too
Validation goes both ways. Just as one spouse doesn't validate the others feelings regarding how things affect them with their actions, likewise constant criticism will erode relationship safety. Both parties are usually guilty. Grace is what is required in a good relationship. No one person is perfect, we all make mistakes. Unfortunately we as humans are naturally self preserving. We need to have boundaries, yes but we can not allow permanent walls to come between us and our partners.
Because it's not a mans job to make a woman happy in her life, even her own husband, it is simply not his duty, a woman's happiness is no one elses responsibility except her own
Interesting. I find that women tend to leave, or at least lose respect, when Im my most reliable and consistent. They seem to enjoy the more mysterious and drama filled relationships.
They treat you how you allow them to treat you - to a degree. You can move the sun and moon and she will still disrespect you. This is why i don't do anything for her anymore because she doesn't deserve it. I only do good for her when she motivates me to do good. If she is making me unhappy, I return the favor. If she makes me happy, I also return the favor. Either way, our marriage is a reflection of her.
Hi Matthew, after reading a few comments from other viewers, it seems like many men dont think they have anything to do with their wives unhappiness. Also, as if its not their responsibility to deal or help their wives. I know for a fact that human beings are also mental beings. We all have a degree of maturity and development about how to deal with life. A man can be as fragile in his mind as when he slits his wrists to avoid military duty (i've witnessed this during my tour). I also know that unhappiness is subjective and my wife may be unhappy about her appearance, etc. Seriously though, a husband marries his wife to give all he can give even if it hurts because he loves her.
This man still does not understand women. She was happy to date. Happy to get married. And then was suddenly unhappy? The problem is her nature. She needs someone to make her happy. No man should have to deal with that.
I am 52 years old and got divorced after 22 years of marriage. A few observations from personal experience… Men are with women for love. Women are with men for security. Security for a woman in general means a home, a car, money and of course food. So when a man has a burnout and can no longer provide then most women will not be happy with their man anymore. It’s a shocking truth, but women do not love unconditionally. It’s primordially about security for a woman. It’s not about love and definitely not about sex. Men don’t care about security whatsoever because they can always take care of themselves and they can live very minimally. Most men are generally content with their woman. More so if they can make love to their woman once or twice a week. I know it’s wrong to generalise but I just feel that women don’t love as deep as men do. There may be exceptions of course. But in general? I don’t see it.
Yes, you’re right. More women need to wise up to this truth and realize the conditions of their love for their partner before getting married. Financial stability from a capable and caring man is a must. No woman wants to be the bread winner forever unless she wants a child for a husband. Marriage is really a contract and should be touted as a contract with 2 contributors.
Just got your audiobook. Will start today. My marriage is already over, but I’m looking to learn. Sadly my ex- was a cheater & a liar, and highly emotionally destructive.
Thank you.. This may be a short and to the point video, but thank you. Your video hit home and made me realize a mistake both of us didn't realize we are doing to each other..
so the answer is to be hypervigilant to her emotions and what is going on in her head to pre-empt every single scenario in any random order from occurring while juggling live grenades and growing a horn because she expects you to be a unicorn that magically knows how she thinks and feels at any given time because your a mind reader, a problem solver, the dude who buys her shit and is her emotional tampon, never get upset, never feel anything, don't be judgmental, be caring but not a push over. Man I'm tried just trying to think through the ramifications of all of this! I need to check into a fuckin mental hospital to spend some time in a padded room!
After 3 marriages, and in between, I I forced myself to stay 22 years in last one because of “our” child ( guess who got custody and moved far, far away) leaving me with the bills? The last two years she came back, and like a soy-boy, I took her back even though she never apologized for what she did (she always found an excuse to exonerate her wrongful behavior). My happiest times in reality was when I was with the guys going fishing/camping/tennis/car fixing/carpentry/electronics/stimulating no-holds barred conversations/etc.,etc. I’ve now concluded that men are happier together as pals because we care just enough for each other without becoming an emotional tampon or slave to them. Widowed now some five years and absolutely enjoying MY life as a single male again…and staying that way.
Experienced divorce lawyer here. If Brad Pitt, Kevin Costner, and hundreds of pro athletes go through messy divorces, what make you think you will be able to forever keep someone else happy? Stay safe. Stay single! You can thank me later.
The major problem with your observations and advice is that a MAJORITY of Celebrities and Athletes are extremely egocentric narcisses where fame and money have completely destorted their realities which directly conflicts with their spouse and the realities of the REAL world that the rest of the 99% of the world's population live in!!! So, you can NOT directly compare this very specific 1% to the rest of the 99%!
I think that the only way to be happy with any woman is to stop caring. I know that sounds cold, but just look at how hard it is to separate a woman from an abusive relationship. They will often turn on their own family to stay with that guy that cheats on them, beats them etc. However a guy like me that tries his best to make sure she is happy and taken care of, has to constantly find new ways to make her happy. Pleasing a woman is like giving her a drug that the more she gets used to, the more it takes to please her. So just stop caring for the sake of your own sanity. I have been with my wife for 12 years and I have come to learn that women are never satisfied. You can make them happy for a little while, but they are constantly seeking more: attention, money, or something different to entertain them. Take from my experience when I say that only a person themselves can decide to be a happy, positive person on a more permanent level. Someone else can only make you happy occasionally. I have finally reached the point where I give up on making her happy and have started to work on making myself happy.
I agree with you that woman are never satisfied and I also get the stop-caring part. As an introvert it's very easy for me to be alone, I actually need it people don't fill, they drain my battery. That let me to give the whole idea of being together with a woman a pass. Really once I realized this (she is never happy, I am never good enough)... I can't take being exhausted like this. It's too much. I don't want it. What I want is tranquility and peace of mind. A woman, in the long run, would only chip away at my sanity. And IF I managed to stop caring, what's the point of having her around?
Bro, you just made the best argument ever to not even engage in a relationship with women. Imgine being so fkn high maintenance that you have to double-check "safety" every step of the way. This just tilts a good-deal-gone-bad scenario that much further in the woman's favor. You literally can't make this ish up.
My wife does this all the time. She always says "I don't feel safe! You don't make me feel safe" Well, turns out her version of safety is me constantly capitulating to her point of view, always sacrificing my needs for her, and doing everything possible to cater to her emotions at my expense 100% of the time. Her version of safety is her living with her parents and taking my son to do the same while I foot the bill for her homestead and truck. All while she utterly ignores me. That's her version of safety. They don't want safety. They want power.
The cause of her unhappiness (The problem): Women are hard-wired to live in fear and anxiety. This causes constant negativity, always looking out for the worst outcome. This is why security is a subconscious goal, but more often confused with financial/material assets. When/if they have achieved the latter, the subconscious angst is still unappeased, and the unhappiness and restlessness continues. The solution: Somewhere out there, probably in the depths of a black hole.
How do you trust an unfaithful wife? Because I found out that when you are having no positive impact on your wife no matter how much care you show her, she's probably having an affair. If she's getting her needs met by someone else, she will reject your bids and ignore, or even twist the good things to be bad. She will actually be irritated because you are not the affair partner. Sometimes, she's not happy with you because she's getting her needs met by someone else and she would find Jesus to be annoying. Cannot meet someone's needs who will not let you meet them. You certainly cannot move up Mazlow's pyramid if she's not willing to let you move up. Sometimes, it's not the guy who has made it unsafe. If she's out having an affair, he's not the one making things unsafe.
Hey Tony. If this happened to you, I'm profoundly sorry, because I can't imagine how shitty and betraying that is. There are really bad things that happen to people, or that people do to one another in their relationships. Infidelity. Abuse. Crime. They all live on the list of things I call Major Marriage Crimes. And I don't think people are overly confused about why marriages end that include those behaviors. I focus my work on the so-called "Invisible" places. I think a ton of relationships between two well meaning, relatively well behaving people end routinely. And I don't think it's obvious to people why. It's not obvious because the ways we accidentally hurt each other and erode trust are simply not obvious. So everything I talk and write about is addressing these subtle, nuanced, invisible things. I don't think you're under any obligation to trust anyone you don't want to, let alone an unfaithful spouse. Betrayal is bad. You've highlighted what I perceive to be the most painful and dramatic. But what I'm usually talking about are the tiny betrayals. The stuff that doesn't hurt that bad. Just a little. That's the stuff that kills us slowly. And the stuff that kills us slowly and undetected is what I consider to be the greatest threat to the average relationship.
@@matthewfrayvideos But you cannot even deal with the little betrayals if one is not open and honest. My ex-wife actually said she thought she shouldn't complain. I'm sure she was miserable. I know I was. But when I asked for just an hour a day that was just the two of us to touch base and so on, nothing. Or if I asked how things were and she said fine, which wasn't true. Yeah, you cannot fix it if you are not being honest. I could not be honest for her. I don't doubt that people hurt one another. Sometimes intentionally, others times not. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it doesn't get fixed if you just sit and stew instead of working through the problem. Attack problems, not people. I choose poorly. I chose someone who could not be open and honest with others. I've been remarried coming up on 15 years. It's amazing what a difference a confident and honest woman makes in a marriage. So don't sell the guys short. Most of us are not trying to hurt someone. We have a hard enough time understanding ourselves. If we don't get a clue or three as to what she's feeling, it's going to be rough. If she's feeling bad but putting on a brave face instead of being honest and using simple statements to say what she wants, it's just a disaster in the making. Most men (or at least the ones I know) want to move heaven and earth for their wives. But if we are not given clear guidance from her as to what she needs, wants or is feeling, then we will grow discouraged and come to that conclusion, there is no pleasing her. I don't know any man who goes into marriage saying he wants to marry a woman and make her miserable. Too much risk of losing his kids, money, home, etc for this to be a logical strategy. He just wants clear instructions on what to do. Anything less is unsafe for him. At least be willing to explore what it is. If the expectation is if he loves me, he will know what to do automatically and his questions must be a sign he doesn't really love me (I heard that very thing from my ex-wife, who wouldn't give up after that?) Safety is a two way street. Women are just as capable of making the relationship an unsafe space as are men. He cannot do her work for her. She also has to be committed to relationship safety. If only one person is so committed, there will not be a safe relationship. Just one person held hostage by the one who isn't concerned about safety. That's an unhealthy relationship.
@@buffuniballer I'm really sorry if I've communicated that I don't believe what you've just shared. Because I promise that I do. It's absolutely a two-way street. In my experience, in male-female relationships, women demonstrate a much higher degree of relational skills than men. It's NOT because men are bad. It's because boys historically were not raised to value learning relational skills. People just like me. People who mean well, and cause all sorts of harm in their blind spots. Not because they're jerks. Simply because they don't know how to see it. Not all men. Just some men. And certainly some women too. All I'm trying to do is tell the story of how I went from me 10-15 years ago, to whatever I am today. And I really hope it can help good people suffer less in their relationships. Because that's all I really want.
@@matthewfrayvideosas a sociologist with kids, my perception is it is much less gendered in the younger generations. As I tell my kids “your digital devices will not clue you in when you are being a relationship destroying self-absorbed jerk, only attention to your human relationships can do that. “
This is really good advice.. being happy in a relationship equals feeling safe in a relationship. By no means am i any relationship expert but I do believe both men and women can feel this way.. sometimes even at the same time
I've been married a long time. I had many short-term women when I was younger. And 1 girlfriend that was a few years. Now...I gathered all the data on those women and figured out what to avoid 😂 I've been married a long time. And I'm really happy. My wife is happy, always smiling and laughing. Cooks cleans, raised 4 kids still smiling still happy. I genuinely...and don't bite my head off here. I genuinely put the success down to 2 things. I married Conservative. And I've remained 'toxic' toxic masculinity as they call it...I personify it.
I was married for almost 20 years, and study friends and family's marriages all around me. You're right when a woman gets to comfortable at the base level of a relationship, they take it for granted. Being toxic keeps them focused on maintaining the base level, or lower level. So when the man randomly acts nontoxic, it's appreciated more. This makes them happy. But when en things are too good, they get bored and look for faults.
Being more masculine(which includes confrontation if your wife is sub par) is definitely a great ingredient for a great marriage. You avoided a lot of headaches with a conservative woman but truly a masculine man can train any B&@tch to be put in her place
I married a conservative woman and she hates me because I won't live next door to her parents. She's just as selfish, stubborn, uncaring, vindictive, and psychotic as any other.
@@humanoid9787Toxic masculinity means men have their roles and women theirs. Men don't wash utensils or clean up the house or cook with a women on the couch watching TV just as women don't mend the fence, repair the car, or chop down a tree grown over the house's roof. Only simps go otherwise.
Hi Matthew, thank you for this video! I've honestly never considered "safety and trust" is why my wife feels unhappy. I make plenty of money and am reliable and do everything a husband should do for his family but your video means i need to acknowledge her concerns (especially because she was in a bad relationship with an alcoholic, womanizing brute). Many times i am totaly fabergasted as to why she complains about the smallest thing - a label on a soup can isnt facing outward?? Really? Well, now if i try to understand her now, you are saying she needs to feel like i value her concerns , about even the smallest thing. Well, i will do my best to do this and will come back latter to share the results! Hopefully you have enlightened me to listen to her concerns and to stop always disagreeing or saying i didnt do anything wrong.
My wife is cheerful and happy when I’m depressed, when I’m confident and happy the whole week will be her in a mood or distant. The second I go into a slump and become miserable like her then she perks up and gets in a good mood trying to get me to cheer up. If I cheer up we will go right back to the bullshit all over again, my teenage hormones made me want to swallow a gun far less than being married.
In the midst of dementia my mother thought she had been pawned off on me to look after while residing with me in her own home. Attempting to get through to her one day at dinner, I said to her, "I want you to be happy here." She replied "That's your job." I was taken aback and said "Not in my job description." I pondered this and realized that if a person is relying on you to make them happy, it's a fool's errand to try.
I'm the wife....and this resonates so much.thank you...started questioning my sanity and if I was the one sabotaging our relationship. You have put words to my thoughts and feelings
Thank you Matt, I feel really seen by you. I am broken after 34yrs of marriage. Hes a good alrounder chap and good looking. But trust is burnt. I don't feel safe that he will choose appeasing my daughter over me. I feel invalidated. His no was never no to her, she's resentful towards me alot of the time. I tried hard to be the boundary holder, he seldom had my back. He's oblivious to the pain he has caused me, has done exactly as you described when I've told him. His priority is our daughter dose not feel pain from him, he sees he is compassionate, and caring to her, I think he's set her up to for hurt. I will share your video with him.
I just finished your audiobook a couple days ago. Thank you for the work you are doing. I thought the book was fantastic and now my husband is listening to it too. You are going to help so many relationships.
Thank you so much, Angela. If you ever encounter someone in your personal life you’d feel comfortable recommending it to, I’d really appreciate it. Word of mouth, I think, is the only way it reaches a critical mass of people. Thank you for checking it out, and thank you for taking the time to let me know that you liked it. Means a lot.
@@matthewfrayvideos It was written very well and with so much insight. I will definitely be recommending it, and even giving it as a wedding gift at the next one I go to! :)
I lived in marriage hell for 15 years before leaving, but through that terrible experience I learned everything I know and now I help men to succeed in their marriage and in life. I'm glad I went through that awful experience because it made me the man I am
I get and understand what he's saying, but I think this is dangerous waters. The first life-coach I clung to after my divorce was Corey Wayne, who makes the point that women must feel safe and secure and heard and understood for the relationship to continue. But while it's important for her to feel validated and understood, it's also not fair to enter into a life-long commitment with someone who has "I need him to do all his chores in order to feel safe" values. Marriage is supposed to be "unless they cheat, unless they hit, unless they get addicted to something and spend all the family's resources, otherwise until death do us part." Not, "I felt invalidated because he didn't pick up his laundry." What is the cost of being a good boy and doing all her tasks? Your own masculinity? No woman is going to be attracted to a yes-man. This just sounds like a lose-lose situation with the wrong girl. I mean, maybe there's a way you can both work it out where you're not emasculated as her work-horse, you make an effort to do certain tasks, she addresses whatever childhood trauma that's making her afraid of dirty laundry? I'm not sure what the solution to this is other than "it shouldn't have escalated to marriage" and "you should've broke up with her at the first sign of dirty-laundry crazy." I suppose at the beginning of the relationship or when you start to live together, when you verbally start drawing out your boundaries, you also decide how to divide up chores? It's a talk I plan on having if I ever make it that far again (I might not; I'm fully prepared to go to my grave alone because I've seen the alternative).
A huge problem is that everyone sees "basic skills" as "low level"... Truth is that people who have excellent cooking skills tend to have high IQ's... People who really have DEEP cleaning skills and a wonderfully clean house tend to be intelligent. The VALUE of a healthy home cooked meal, homemade soup, a clean home, clean walls, clean floors etc... is hugely underrated. So when someone makes a great meal, it should be celebrated. There are lots of people who study energy that say a clean home has 5X more positive energy, plus way less mould and mildew in the air. A huge amount of happiness can be derived from a home that is CLEAN and fast/delicous meals are the NORM. EXAMPLE: The best coffee in my city comes from MY kitchen. I start with artesian water, filter it and use organic freshly ground coffee. It costs about 20 cents a cup for me to make. Both men and women hugely under-value "basic" living skills and if a person comes home from a hard days work to a clean house and a homemade meal, they should show gratitude to their spouse.
@@kevinscottsphr5214 I don't disagree with any of your points. Honestly, I feel the "seat up" argument is silly since there's a lid that is clearly meant to be kept down. But it's all beside my point that he (or really "they") shouldn't be held hostage by dirty laundry. If either of them are missing the rock-solid marital value of "till death do us part" then they shouldn't have gotten married.
The timing of when these "safety" issues crop up is interesting. Before marriage, the guy has tons of options and the woman probably feels very insecure about that but they're having plenty of intimacy together. Once the man proposes and after the couple is married the man is displaying many more signs of commitment and security, yet the woman ironically claims that she now has "safety" issues. She feels VERY secure with my ring on her finger and all the money she's spending, yet now that the stability is there, she uses this "safety" ploy as a power play where no real safety issue exists. If anything, a Beta Brad married type is running in circles trying to please her and make her feel heard and wanted. It's never enough if you weren't her first choice. Never get married gents! Fall in love and sample the goods, but never move in together and never be stupid enough to marry.
I’ve heard girls say they felt “secure” with a new bf that simply solved one small little thing for her. Then you get married and suddenly safety’s gone. How crazy is that?
What is you say is generally correct. Men need to be somewhat more mindful. But if we have to be constantly be on alert about, toilet seats, tissues on the floor, tooth paste or tooth paste caps, shoes not put away, garbage not taken out immediately, not calling the second we know we might be a little late, being sent to the store for 10 items and forgetting just one and then the women focuses only on the one missing item and starts yelling or demeaning the man because of it. This shows a lack of concern and respect by the woman. That we constantly have to walk on egg shells about every little thing or she will criticize him like a mother or their boss. It sounds like it always has to be all about her. Of course I am not saying, we should not care at all and constantly do all the above things. But I think most men only occasionally do them. The secret to a good marriage is, if the wife is respectful (men function on ego, women on emotion), appreciative, playful and supportive, this will make men want to do more for their wives.
@@stevenm.2597 Yikes marriage or roommates …all that crap is just the bottom basics of being a decent human. If you get sent to the store and you almost never screw up with things and make a mistake no big deal however if you routinely screw up? Why would anyone ever deserve such low quality? I mean if only 10 items how could you possibly mess that up. You witw it down, you triple check before you check out and if appropriate text before leaving the store to confirm nothing se is needed. If you forgot 10 percent of the order I mean come on how hard did you ACTUALLY try? That is really pathetic if you would routinely think someone would be happy with that pathetic of results. It’s your spouse, you should want to give them the absolute best possible! I mean come on you have to screw up and not really care practically at all to have that few of groceries to remember and you still manage to screw it up? Why would you expect someone to accept such a pathetic attempt as okay? Like if it’s some weird blurp okay but routinely doing something that immature and crappy is basically telling your spouse you don’t give a flying fig about giving them a good life.
It's not that we don't have a responsibility to our relationship needs for each other. But women's expectations are 1000% unreasonable. They require more than humans are capable of giving.
As women mostly act as kids and refuse any responsibility for most of their choices, they can't work on themselves and as a result are never happy. It's quite simple.
This describes the issue in my relationship so well. I don't understand why this is such a hard concept for people to understand and integrate into their relationship.
This has been very helpful. I need to understand more about invalidation & how to work on being validated. I think myself & my partner both have this issue as both our parents our emotionally unavailable. I definitely feel that I need to understand more about the safety & security. I have subscribed & thank you for sharing this helpful content. I want to adopt a money making mindset over a poverty one, so that o can further working on myself with more psychotherapy. I find it very helpful In today’s busy world & where there is lack of village/community.
What happens when she doesn’t feel safe and she feels hurt because I left a dish by the sink and then she tells me about that now I feel hurt and unsafe that she’s being nitpicky like that now what ?
I have a problem keeping consistent work, I do pay my equal share of bills, but I live paycheck to paycheck, it's hard to save money. When I do get on top of my bills some tragedy happens and my savings get depleted. Last time my work van was needing repair, and our usual trusted mechanic closed up shop. So I went to Midas and they ripped me off for 3800 dollars. And then when I found a trusted mechanic I didn't have the money. My wife didn't want to loan me 1700 dollars. I felt suicidal, I didn't know what to do, I felt abandoned. She finally did loan me the money but I am not safe for her future ideals. I know I am going to have to work until the day I die, I have faced this "reality" a long time ago. But I wasn't prepared for the harder it gets the more time passes.
@ScarCaskt Don’t commit suicide. You are loved! My relationship isn’t perfect but a big red flag I see is your wife “loaning you money”? Seriously? Marriage is two people becoming one flesh. This is based on biblical principles and is encoded into our laws. Just think of the tax code and how it pertains to married couples. IMO women are inherently miserable, therefore, men need to set boundaries so their misery doesn’t get out of hand.
In my humble opinion, we humans are not built for too much confort. A woman is never happy. She needs fire in her life to feel connected. If you give her problems to solve, she will be engaged. If you solve most of her problems, she will disconnect. A man should find problems for her to solve and competition for her to overcome. Most will not agree but this is the way toxic relationships last more than average ones. The fire coming from arguments, other women desiring her man, problems she must solve keep her invested - and investment is what makes her connected. The more you give, the less she cares. The more you solve, less engaged she becomes.
This guy is clueless. 10:15 he admits to doing all the simp behavior and his wife left him. Maslow is a clunky theory to apply in this case. I don’t believe putting the wrong socks in the hamper made his wife feel unsafe. She had no respect for him. Get a better haircut, lose weight, get better clothes, and exercise. Accept the hard truth that being nice and submissive will make many woman unbearable and leave the relationship.
Exactly! You’ve hit the nail on the head. He’s desperately looking for a reason outside of his own SIMP mishandling. Sadly, this is why he’s doomed to repeat the same ish with his future paramours. After the next woman (or women) take away more of his ish, he’ll finally have that “Aha!” epiphany! 🤷♂️ IJS
Enjoy your red pill douchbaggery, dickbags. I’m not venturing anywhere near advocating for submissiveness or “beta” behavior. But hey. Good luck, tough guys.
This hits hard with me currently and I'm really digging into myself and outward for the correction of my thought patterns when it comes to the auto pilot setting when my wife has something to say about how she feels. My habits have been ruining our marriage and I am dedicated to fixing this for our family. Thank you, Matthew
Zach, thank you for sharing your experience. It really struck a chord with me as I'm praying that as I work on myself, my husband will also come to the same realization that you seem to have had. I've been hanging on for a decade and it's worsened over time and I'm having a hard time to continue hanging on. May I ask, what led you to this insight about yourself? Is there anything a wife can do to help this insight occur or aid in the process?
And there it is… the guy needs to do more after everything he has already done. At some point, she needs to reciprocate the good that she has received instead of requiring more without any expectation of having to reciprocate. This guy is just another simp.
Mainly brevet she has placed her happiness before yours. She is always worried about her needs and what she isnt recieving rather than what the relationship needs. Critical and argumentative, these people are selfish. Basically if they are always arguing, they believe deep down that they can do better and they settled...
There is a lot to be said about a man who "takes an extra minute" as you say, especially if you have a stay-at-home wife with every single household chore and childcare on her shoulders. Yes, it primarily our role to wash your clothes and dishes and floors and bedding, cook your meals, make your lunch for work, keep the fridge stocked, etc... but if we're cleaning up after you like we're "momming" an adolescent, we WILL be less into you because we're using so much energy on things you take for granted. We'll see you as more of a child than a grown-ass man.
Could NOT be hitting the nail more on the head regarding how Im feeling right now. I don't feel safe with him, he's not being consistent, and I now I'm falling into nitpick mode because of it all. I want to send him this video. Like, I'm shaking mad right now because he's stopped doing things he used to and I'm feeling neglected and no longer important. I'm at a place in my life where I'm sick and tired of having to train people how to be with me. I give them the keys to the kingdom by telling them expressly how to make me feel safe, which is often through transparency, honesty, and consistent behavior, and they still continue to fall short. I don't get it.
Brutal honesty is what the men dealing with this issue need before they are too old and waste too much of their lives… Talk to them about it. If they don’t change then leave your wife. That is a form of abuse. Make sure you keep records of your conversation and how she reacts and acts. You can use this in court after you divorce her for the emotional abuse. Trust me. Women like this will try to ruin you during divorce so make sure you keep records of how she treats you, the insults, the belittling, everything. Men. We deserve to live a happy life. I left my abusive wife, found an online job and now live my dream life traveling Southeast Asia while working online. I live in a tropical paradise and live like a king. Life is amazing but you gotta take that first step. Life is short and it’s a gift. Get out there and live it my brothers!!!
Very good - very insightful and helpful to me as I review why my relationship with my girlfriend ended. I am sure that you would advocate that both parties in a relationship act in the way that you advise. Thank you
When a person sacrifices there time with loved ones to earn money to take care of those loved ones and then the spouse hates or resents them for the time it takes them away from the family to earn that money then cheats on the provider and says it's their fault for not being home enough is it my fault as the provider she cheated it hurts so much I'm so confused questioning if life's worth this anymore????
I don’t understand. If your wife needs everything validated maybe she needs a therapist? How do I validate something genuinely if I don’t agree with her view
Went through a 32 year relationship that ended in divorce when she told me I no longer meet her emotional needs , it broke my heart for I fell in love with her the first time I met her , with 4 children from 16 to 9 I was out , 10 years later I still haven’t healed from it . The devastation that men go through, loss of future you had planed , money , intimacy, time with your children can break a man , financially, physically , emotionally and spiritually. I tell all my kids that if you get into a relationship that the other person says it’s your job to make me happy , get out , o tried for 32 years to make her happy and failed at every turn , people are either happy with you or their not . I’m not sure I will ever trust another woman with my heart , I can’t take that hurt again
Why cross an ocean for someone who won't step over a puddle for you? ...And that goes for everyone in your life.
- hard to win with women.
- i stopped trying when i began to care more about my own happiness & well-being.
- women will destroy you, and then call you a loser. imagine that!
...wow, i feel this. I left my country to be with him and he wont even move from his childhood town
@@sgtlucifer6883 men will destroy women too.
@@sgtlucifer6883 yeah never do too much for a woman she always think another man will do better than you
women think they are the prize and if they dont get what they want then they'll create problems and start complaining. They are feel that they are owed everything because they get attention from men. they lack empathy for the man and they want to exploit us and leave us to hang dry.
No one can make anyone happy, the individual is responsible for their own happiness.
I think this is so backwards to say. What your happiness would look like if you're alone is completely different from what your happiness look like with someone.
@@geegeesnation3869 You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. If you provide a woman everything she desires and think she's going to be happy, she won't. You can never *MAKE* her happy. People making 5 figures want to make 6 figures. People making 6 figures want to be millionaires. Millionaires want to be billionaires. Billionaires want to be trillionaires. trillionaires want to be quadrillionaires. How much is enough? It is never enough. The person in question has to decide, "I'm perfectly happy with this." However, for most this usually comes after, "I'm so tired of working." If you're the one being provided for, who never has to lift a finger and work and support yourself because the other person is. It takes a very special person to be the one to say, "No more free presents, I have enough, I am happy." This is why you cannot make a woman happy. She has to decide for herself that it's enough, that she's happy. But that is highly improbable to ever happen.
@@geegeesnation3869Uhm no, you yourself IS responsible for your own hapiness, not your partner, not your mother… YOU!
True but shared happiness is the best and fairly rare.
@@rpersen Yes, you are RESPONSIBLE for your happiness.
But that doesn't mean you're expected to be happy alone and isolated from the world.
It means you choose to surround yourself with the people and comforts that contribute to that happiness.
That doesn't mean that one or more of those people can't undermine your happiness by their behavior, which requires corrective action on your part to convince them to modify that behavior or excise that person from your circle.
You have reminded me how awful it was to have to deal with a narcissist on a daily basis. Divorcing her was the best thing that ever happened. I cannot conceive of ever repeating the mistake of getting married again.
NPD individuals (legit diagnosable) have to be avoided and divorced. Look on the bright side if they are legit NPD, there was never any actual relationship happening anyway. They are children (usually literal toddlers) in terms of some of their key development stages in life still, so they cannot have an adult relationship period.
Amen and 110%. The narc is always top down in judgement and punishment. When she tried to turn my kids on me. I left. They still love me but imagine they tire of her. Bring free is the greatest. Minor bouts of loneliness are nothing compared to blistering criticism and apathy to my human needs.
Good. People should not be married to people who mistreat them. Glad you got out of them. Not sure why people think I’m advocating for being treated like shit. I’m advocating for nonassholes to eliminate conflict and misunderstanding in their relationships.
@@artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537
The same.
Be careful about thinking you will never make the same mistake. Hope that is true, really, I am sincere about that, but you must keep your guard up. Nature and evolution (to insure the species survives) has evolved ways to trick you into thinking "this time it will be different". I think it is called oxytocin. Makes you crazy. Makes you think "this time it is special". And perhaps it really IS special this time. Of course that is what most of us thought the last time ... and the time before that...
One thing I have learned throughout my 62 years on this planet, is don't keep quiet for the sake of peace. It just results in becoming a punching bag and an easy target for mental abuse. It's taken me this long to realise it, but I speak my mind now, despite upsetting people sometimes... They soon get over it and start talking to me with a bit of respect.
So important...
I'm to scared to tell my wife anything.
this is why society has becoming dysfunctional because men have kept quiet for too long. women have an overinflated ego and they'll never be told anyhting. smh
@@JoeBlowUK I’ve tried to keep the peace and not sharing how I’ve felt or drawing lines at what point I’m not going to take crap. I married my wife with 3 kids she had from previous marriage and it has been nothing hut hell. Her expectations went to the moon and when I told her mine she turned it back on me that I was to shut up.
Facts
My ex was never happy with anything I did to include moving mountains for her. She later accused me of cheating despite I have been faithful thru years of sexless marriage. I protested her accusation. She responded no one would have not cheated given the way she treated me. Can't win for losing.
It’s because she did cheat on you
She was projecting like a mf.
My goodness!! And you put up a sexless marriage for years? She was testing you! Nothing you would do was enough cause in fact...she didn't love you. Sorry but that's the true 😢
Women are considered deep - why? Because one can never discover any bottom to them. Women are not even shallow. ”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
She has borderline personality disorder
Our son was just born, sitting in a high end restaurant, just bought a gorgeous home and upgraded our car to a luxury model. I was earning a small fortune, she gave up work no financial problems, quite the contrary. We are sitting in this lovely restaurant and I can see that she is not happy AT ALL. She keeps looking over at this over at this other lady who is with her own new baby and a group of friends. My wife was utterly jealous of that woman, why? Because the other lady was younger, prettier, slimmer, happier. That my friends is a sad fact.
"Comparison is the thief of Joy" - Theodore Roosevelt
Men are wise to not try to emotionally read the mind of their spouse. Ask what's wrong and if she says nothing she has just proven something really awful. Maybe she's not honest, maybe feeling terrible but not because of anything tangible so lies and says nothing, maybe withholding the truth which is basically living, maybe not capable of wording what's going on inside her and not capable of even phrasing that. Get her out of your life quickly! An emotionally upset woman without the ability to discuss and resolve it will do other destructive 🎉 behaviors driven by a FEELING of which she can't articulate, control, understand, let go of, and the like. This is basically a crazy person that's being controlled by some unknown and unpredictable force and they REFUSE to fight against that unseen force so they can have a better life.
My wife is the same.. same exact scenario (new home, 2 fancy cars 100k each, 7 figure salary, gave her a family(she came from a broken home and was an only child) and she’s upset at the world because she essentially aging and is no longer the “prettiest girl” in the group. O yea she even got a surrogate because she didn’t want to get fat and I went along with it all because I was blinded by love.. I m waking up now and she hates it. She even called the cops on me a few times.
Im going to be rude and tuff but hopefully helpful. You were/are blinded by your emotions and she is also. Dont let your disruptive emotions make you blind and behave in a way even remotely improper, for your sake. ITs okay to be upset but not constructive to act out of the irritation. If she called the cops then its likely there is some interpretation that you did behave unconstructively. The leagal system will eat you alive so please be careful!@@timmy101able
@@timmy101able I hear you Timmy, it is very, very sad. They rate their value on how they look and wanting to be the stunner forever that all women and men want to be. They do not realise what is important and what they have. It is good that you are awake and know the truth.
From the relationships I've seen, boredom has killed more relationships than the lack of safety...
I'm 55 and on my third marriage. My experience is that NO woman is EVER happy. It's just not possible. If a woman is in a position where she should at least theoretically be happy, she'll find a way to sabotage it.
Absolutely. I couldn't agree more with you. They have to be unhappy and tie you in knots.
I can say the same about men.
@@monicag6715 nope.
@@monicag6715 Keep us fed and have sex with us and we're good.
If ur on ur 3rd msg, I think you are the problem
I'm almost 60. Married and divorced twice. Always tried to be a good and fair husband without being pushed over by my wife. They are never happy. There is always something to complain about. If I would be considerate and sort the dishes. Then it's the drop of water on the floor that's the issue.. or I used too much dish liquid.. or ysed the wrong dish cloth.. or forgot to wipe the stove.. or pack away the laundy.. then I fold the clothes wrong.. or pack the tshirt on the wrong shelf. I don't know. Think it's better just to do nothing and concentrate on yourself. At least when you do nothing.. you cant be doing anything wrong
Easier to just iron fist it. Less divorces.
Better not to do any inside household chores, unless its to fix something or hang something. Stick to outside of the house.
She should be doing all that work herself not you.
I understand why some men beat their wives, just saying.
Lol ew @@clauderock5600
At the end of the day this all boils down to you not being her first choice. If she truly valued you as her best option she wouldn't get pissed about you leaving the toilet seat up or not doing a grocery shop. Took me a long time to realize this.
Love is not self-centered.
I've heard that before, but not sure. Is SHE always OUR first choice? Is she literally a 9 or 10 level in looks, bangin' body, with a great loving personality who craves us constantl and rarely gets annoyed or down? No, usually she's decent looking, loves us, has her naggy moments, and yes, she wonders about Chad. Accept it.
You'll never be a woman's FIRST CHOICE so get rid of that mentality. Either a woman is with you or she is not. That's all there is to it. If you're sitting there expecting a woman to make you her FIRST CHOICE, you'll be waiting forever. Just do your thing in life and if you want to be with someone and they want to be with you, they'll come along. If not, oh well just continue doing your thing.
@@Eddybo22 brother you've missed the point of my post. I'm essentially saying chase excellence, not women. Never settle for someone who doesn't value you or view you as a win in her eyes.
@@davidjofficial1 fair points but you mentioned being a woman's first choice. No one is ever anyone's first choice. That's why I stated what I said.
What kind of a hell hole are we living in if every step, ever breath we make we have to worry about what she thinks??? I am so angry after watching this video!
Men used to choose their wives, or family. Women used to be taught how to treat their man. Coincidence? No. Woman can be divorced whenever a man finds her no longer fit/clean for the marriage. What changed? Oh... the government.
He’s just SIMPing for another “Good Boy!” pat on the head by a mother figure.
Some take awhile before the testicles finally drop. 🤷♂️ IJS
Rage is part of the journey. Work through it. On the other side, you'll find the serenity of not giving a shit.
@@SKBottom Agree!!! Each angry moment is a debit from your account. Eventually you’ll check your balance and have absolutely no more f*cks to give. 🤷♂️ IJS
Happy wife happy life is what was said
I wasn’t listening but I’ve heard people go by that 😂
Married 45 years, both retired, two beautiful grand babies, 3000 square ft house paid off, country club, no debt. She can buy anything she wants, 3 or 4 vacations a year.....and she mopes around the house pissed off all the time. So what gives?
It's difficult to have a vagina. ( that's an excuse for her). Excuse for you, being married now means you have one
Maybe because you value "things" women value relationships.
I don't see you saying "she has safety. She has intimacy"
You say she has things.
@@KarenHicks2820 Says a woman that will never be pleased or happy in her life,.....you have no business watching this video,....but maybe it will give you insite of why you'll never be happy in your relationships,.....All woman want is "things" You say woman value relationships? Safety wont be enough,....Intimacy? translates= He's needy & wants too much sex,....Ya cant win ,..you know it,......your names Karen,......thats the first red flag
Happiness is a state of mind. It totally internally driven. You cannot make another person happy. Each individual has to consciously decide to cultivate an aditude of gratitude and love for other people. Only then will you find inner happiness that doesnt depend on someone else.
You are trying to be clever but despite all your reading
You write stupid sentences.
Hapines is related to your inner attitudes , beliefs and family of origin landscape
BUT
it can be heavily
elicited ( in positive or negative direction) by your surrounding and its Inconsiderate ACTIONS.
Addvertising industry
is
the Best example .
(*If what you are saying is a truth - then... Advertising industry would not spend TRILLIONS of dollars on external influences.)
We live in a System - not in a vacuum... so external activities can elicit unHapiness in any man and in any women.
Though all statistics proof that women and children are TARGETED Audience of advertising companies ... As they spend far more time looking how Life should be - on TV ... Then men...
men are confronted with Life out there - first hand so men fantasize about imaginary life much less.
Happiness (I prefer to call it contentment) as an adult requires some philosophical grounding to acheive. It's rare enough among modern men, but I can count on zero fingers how many women I've run across personally who are interested in thinking this way.
This is the most underrated comment!
You CAN work together to create the conditions of Relationship happiness, but that requires negotiation and practice on her part. Women are terrible at this.
It's not about your happiness depending on someone else.
If I wasn't locked into a lifelong monogamous contract to my wife, I could dump her and be totally happy on my own.
But since I am in a lifelong monogamous contract with her, I'm not happy because she doesn't give me the love and respect I'm entitled to as a good man.
And she is unhappy because I don't bow to her every selfish demand, nor does she communicate or negotiate with me. She simply makes demands and manipulates.
If I told you your vacation plane to Hawaii had a 50 to 80% chance or crashing would you still get on???
I'll start with- joke:
What's the percentage chance of joining the mike high club!?
There's a problem with all of this. Some guys are absolutely knocking it out of the park and are not committing these issues yet they still have absolutely terrible spouses who spend every single waking second looking for a reason to be unhappy. Some spouses have issues, mental issues, hormonal issues, generational learned behaviors that are absolutely their fault. This message can be super dangerous for people who are living in those relationships where at the tip of a hat, they have a spouse who's emotionally unstable and unable to have rational adult conversations about basic conflicts.
This.
These emotionally broken women
are stuck on the lack of safety. Not because we're doing anything to make them feel unsafe, rather, because they haven't worked through their trauma. I'd do relationship check ins weekly. The answer was always fine. I pushed for emotional vulnerability, conversation, working on things. No dice. Broken people can't or won't. Then you get blamed for everything. A total mess. Glad I'm done with the insanity, I won't go back.
@@jackthereyep, I’d argue this is most dudes in relationships with modern women. They’re a mess. They literally believe most men are a potential rapist and ⅓ women are SexAsalted (algorith approved spelling) and man wanting his own partner is potential SexHaras ment of the woman. They’ve been mentally corrupted and turned against men and they see their partners as competitors. They’re literally incapable of a healthy relationship with a man. They’ll most likely ruin everything around them without it ever crossing their mind it’s their own fault. Me and most dudes I know have gone through terrible things at the hands of modern wahmen, and we all went “looking for love, but instead got a certificate in cluster B personality disorders”. They will burn their whole relationship before ever admitting to the smallest wrong. The average modern western woman is a walking disaster of contradictions and projection and self hatred while trying to imitate masculinity, and they’re objectively the most messed up generation of females in history. They see threats where there are none, and no threat where there is danger. Men have to work 10 times as hard as their grandfathers for women 20 times worse than their grandmothers. There’s literally nothing you can do to make them feel safe unless they realize their perceptions and ideas are completely skewed
Some wives are just white trash and you can't overlook it.
“.. emotionally unstable and unable to have rational adult conversations about basic conflicts.”
And therein lies the rub, and the reason this sneaky little conflict pattern in relationships is what very slowly ends them.
Who decides what is an acceptable emotional reaction to something? Who decides what is and is not a rational concern?
I always calculated my ex-wife’s reactions as over emotional or hypersensitive. And I always calculated her anger, fear or sadness about something I thought of as minor as “irrational.”
You and I (and almost everyone) defaults to the logically flawed assumption that our interpretation of life events should dictate how others think and feel about those events, or about us.
We judge others as somehow wrong because they’re experiencing sadness, anger, fear, stress, or otherwise pain of some kind.
And I’m saying if you do that in your relationships, they will all eventually turn to shit and there won’t be safety and trust.
I’m not saying it’s fair. I’m not saying it’s convenient. I’m saying if we don’t speak and act in a manner that results in safety and trust for OTHERS’ diverse experiences from our own, then our interpersonal lives are going to have some unpleasant shit go on.
Even more unpleasant than the inconvenience of having to validate others emotional experiences, and to in general be considerate of other peoples needs and wants, even if they’re different than our own needs and wants.
All of that said, we are ALSO responsible for partner selection.
Imagine dating or marrying someone with type 1 diabetes and then treating their dietary needs and insulin needs as unnecessary burdens for you on account of the fact that they don’t have to worry about those same things for you.
Their health requires different things.
Maybe if you married someone who had horrible shit happen to them in their youth - betrayal and abuse by parents or other trusted people - maybe they have trauma and sensitivities you and I can’t understand because the same bad shit didn’t happen to us.
Still, I ask: How are we not responsible for consideration and need fulfillment as their partner even if they require a little more from us than our perception of other people’s relationships?
Either we choose to be single. A perfectly legitimate option.
Or we choose partnership.
Both have conditions and trade offs attached to them.
Most people are predisposed and inclined to pursue partnerships. It’s been observed in mammalian behavior as far back as history and science books go.
Thus, my message.
You want relational stability and health?
Perhaps responding to those we live with language that communicates that we think they’re wrong, stupid, crazy, hypersensitive, overreacting, and that we are never responsible for the way they feel therefore we’re never going to change maybe has something to do with the absence of safety, trust and “rationality” in our shared lives with someone else.
@@jackthere You seriously believe every single girl or woman you ever dated is crazy and irrational, and that you’re the victim of their insanity?
Or might it be that the same behavior patterns and habits emerged in each relationship, resulting in them expressing some negative emotions toward you which you found confusing and didn’t like?
I’m not suggesting you ever did something bad or wrong. Maybe you didn’t.
You don’t have to do anything wrong in order for another person to be hurt or afraid.
If we don’t heal our childhood traumas (85%~ish) we are 5 year olds looking for other 5 year olds to meet our needs eg: love, validation, safety, etc. Ever see an adult throw a temper tantrum & you think, “Wow, what are they, a 5 year old child?”
Many therapy sessions & books later ( I loved your book!) I learned the recipe for amazing relationships: become aware of then heal your traumas, love yourself mind-body-spirit, & be content, & happy alone you’ll be able pick & attract a partner based on your mature & healthy self. So my partner is a bonus to an already happy me, not a need to fill a giant void which I am responsible. ❤️
Yo your video was awesome and spot on.i will be continuing u
Yeah, the title of your video reminds me of what the character, Al Bundy said in an episode of the comedy, "Married, with Children". "It doesn't matter what you decide, Bud. It'll always be the wrong choice". This is the golden humorous nugget that he advised his son, Bud, about even attempting to please a wife.
It is impossible to make women happy, point blank, just dont let that put you in a grave, if she has to leave, open the door for her🤷🏿♂️
And thay my friend is why many men stop trying because it is never good enough. Prove me wrong!
@@donreinholz8121 They pout and deliver subpar crappy results and think their wives should just be happy to get poop. It’s a peter pan thing aka super immaturity. Real men want to give their women the world and walk with them. My dad said treat your spouse like it’s the beginning of dating and you are so excited to do the best things for her and don’t let that die because who you marry should be worth that. My parents had a fantastic marriage, they absolutely adored each other!
Ive never met a gal who was truly happy. If you scratch just below the surface of her happiness you will find an unhappy gal.
What gals don't understand it their responsibility to be happy and nobody can do it for you.
A big problem I see is that everybody addresses the issue as being the guys fault and how he must change to make her happy but nobody ever says it is her own fault for being unhappy.
This video basically is saying that men must walk on eggshells and jump thru her indefinable hoops and get on her unstable emotional roller-coaster. That is so unfair.
If your gal says she is unhappy with you, then you tell her to go see a therapist . if she says its just your fault and you must change then its best to get out of that toxic relationship. And believe me, she will still be unhappy without you.
Youre missing the point of the video.
My wife is the same.. same exact scenario (new home, 2 fancy cars 100k each, 7 figure salary, gave her a family(she came from a broken home and was an only child) and she’s upset at the world because she essentially aging and is no longer the “prettiest girl” in the group. O yea she even got a surrogate because she didn’t want to get fat and I went along with it all because I was blinded by love.. I m waking up now and she hates it. She even called the cops on me a few times for no reason at all really. Even the cop who showed up after the third time and realized what was happening said I need to leave before o get in trouble. His exact words were “when we get involved I ve never see a relationship survive. Leave before she gets you in trouble..”
The concept needs to work both ways though. I can’t go around micro correcting my behaviour to fit with her ‘ideal’ when my ‘ideal’ isn’t considered. I’m willing to go the extra mile but relationships work when there is give and take on both sides not just take take take… my wife’s favourite saying is “what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine”. She says this as a joke but her actions fit all the same
No, no. That's not Matthew's Teachings. One spouse is empowered to the detriment of the other and the one who is empowered controls validation.
You are the only one you have control of. Work on yourself, solicit & accept feedback even when it isn't positive, and invite your life partner into the work with you. Be one horse leading another to water and model the healthy hydration instead of acting like you are two different species one who knows better than the other. That seems to me what Matt is trying to do for the clueless dude subset of the population. No one can make another being drink of any source, no matter how wise.
Maslow’s hierarchy was debunked long ago. It’s overly simplistic. People jump the levels all the time. Not sure why someone is writing a book if he is using stale psychology.
@@brad4817cause he’s full of doo doo
She’s not joking my guy.
Best thing I’ve ever heard in awhile really good job
Lifelong bachelor here...best decision ever.
how old are you sir?
Ill be back on that train before long, god willing.
@@meltherecafe2394 Mid 50s
So, given that we currently have an epidemic of anxiety (especially among women) how can one distinguish between a wife who is anxious because of something her husband is doing or failing to do and a wife who is anxious for any number of other issues (past abuse, trauma, etc) and whose regular response to her husband is a defense mechanism (“I feel bad therefore someone else is causing me to feel this way and the most obvious culprit is my husband“). Your counsel here is irresponsibly naive and simplistic. A wise counselor needs to know how to distinguish between these two very real options and not just take either the wife’s or the husband’s story at face value.
Absolutely correct response. Bravo!
Man I just realised this deep dark
Blue Pill tinge
in this video !!!
You are more then right here !!!
👋🖐️👏👏👏.
(* Please reed my comment ... and an explanation about this built In- anomaly .)
Yes, he is utterly irresponsible, naive and simplistic.
I can't stomach the safety thing and would rather be alone. That said, the speaker helped me be certain that I have correctly understood what safety means to women, so I appreciate this content. BTW, if anyone has reasons to feel unsafe around here, it's me, not her. Still, I am not in agony about it, at all.@@jaydunstan1618
That's a really creative and insightful application of Maslow's hierarchy of needs to personal relationships.
I read a comment on another website about how "minor" slights, indiscretions, transgressions etc often end up in relationship breakdown. And I responded that it was the "Broken Windows" theory applied to personal relationships.
Its not a matter of “feeling safe”, whatever tf that means. Its a matter of her thinking she can do better which you should oblige and wish her the best of luck
Yup. After the intoxication of the first 6 months to 2 years has worn off, she starts comparing and contrasting, then starts to feel she can do better. Definitely.
IOW, Hypergamy.
Yes, excellent analysis. Great insight. Hypergamy is also Safety and MUST be satisfied, going both ways, pre-requisite to any exploration of Maslow's 3rd-Level.
@@usjet333 'Safety' yes. Unless that is the Alpha in question happens to be an abusive, self-obsessed emotional retard.
@@billyliar1614 yes that the reason never do too much for a woman
I've watched countless videos now on UA-cam to try and figure out what is going wrong with my relationship with my wife and I. This is spot on. Thank you so much.
You just described mine GF. There is thousand of things that can make feel un-safe or hurt. Like leaving spoon in a sink, curtains are not in position, pencil left on table, ... She speaks openly how she feels abandoned/invalidated when I forget one of the thousand rules she made up.
I cannot live in such environment anymore, there is NO place for me.
You made her treat you that way. Let her go forever.
This is my marriage. "safety" to a woman is simply "meet my demands over made up problems because I refuse to grow up"
@@smokingcrab2290that’s fucking amazing
@ivanbrezina7632 If you live in that mess it will drive you loony,Get out,try to save your sanity!
If she feels unsafe and unloved if I leave a dish by the sink after putting in a 12 hour day paying for her life, she is not concerned about our relationship. She is only concerned about herself. I give 110% so she can have whatever she wants. She gives 110% to do the same for me....we are other-focused rather than self-focused.
This advice is ridiculous. It assumes the woman is a child to be coddled.
Let her read this. It's so direct.
You have found a Unicorn. It’s what we all want. And never find.
Women like your great wife were commonplace in the 40’s 50’s and part of the 60’s. Today with Divorce being the norm, there are a lot of damaged people. My best advice is look at the family unit, if it’s fairly sound and her Mom is a good person. You are probably good, but if not. Move on.
You have to realize, the risks all fall on the Man
To women, "safety" just means "unmet demands".
Have you ever asked what she wants?
I have been reading your Blogs for quite some time: Must Be This Tall, Open Letter to Sh!@&* Husbands, etc. The most impactful portion of this video is the 90 seconds starting at about the 5 minute mark. I wish I had known to put my feelings in such a clear and concise way. I actually found you because I was trying to figure out why my husband was never happy with me. I always blamed myself for his unhappiness. Reading much of what you put out I could identify some of my behaviors and take responsibility. Ultimately I am divorcing a person unhappy with himself. I have no energy left to do that work for him. However, I am appreciative for your discussions as it helps me explain to our children a better way to understand a partner when that partner might not have the right words to express their feelings. Thank you for helping us better explain AND understand. Cheers to the new book, and I wish you much success.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your family. And at the same time, am so glad that you love and respect yourself enough to choose a better, healthier way of life. ♥️
I just wonder how the sex and general appreciation was in your relationship? Verbally. Did you tell him thatyou love it when he… did you initiate sec and actively participate enjoying it and thank him for it? Not just show up butnot show up emotionally! I just wonder. My wife checks sll the boxes cook clean care for family and obligations. But doesn't like me. In those ways listed above. Incapable of words of affirmation. I've gotten above the trees to see the forest. But was all the time angry. I wasn't getting what I married for or who I thought I married she disappeared early on. Specially when she became a mother. Please answer not trying to be mean.
This comment section is so, sooooooooooooo telling. Almost none of the men who watched this video actually listened and processed and understood and absorbed the message. Almost all of them missed the point.
Clicked the link, read the title, chose to watch, and then listened to RESPOND rather than understand.
It would almost be comedic if it weren't so disappointing.
This message is dangerous. Women can be unhappy and it could have absolutely nothing to do with you.
Who cares why they aren't happy, as a husband you still have to deal with it.
Pretty much
For real. Women get all kinda of excuses to act like children
Even though a woman has accrued past benefits from her relationship with a man, this is no guarantee of her continuing the relationship with him. (Translation: What have you done for me lately?). If a woman promises a man to continue her relationship with him in the future in exchange for a benefit received from him today, her promise becomes null and void as soon as the benefit is rendered. (“I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.“). A man’s promise of a future benefit has limited ability to secure a continuing relationship with a woman, and his promise carries weight with her only to the extent that the woman’s wait for the benefit is short and to the extent that she trusts him to keep his promise.
@@kaiserpuppydog7174 ...Good old Briffault's Law.
I tend to think of it like this:
Women like things about men or there wouldn’t be any attraction? On the other hand, there’s stuff they don’t like, but this comes down to dealing with people - or anything else in life. In the case of a breakup or divorce it usually comes down to the stuff they don’t like being greater than the stuff they do like. The other scenario is when a certain person tries to get an upgrade; that is, more stuff they do like and less they don't like. Of course, a big divorce settlement is something women like and can tip the scales.
This "invalidation problem" Fray is describing, in the context of failing to be an adequate household drudge in the eyes of your wife, is EXACTLY reciprocal to how she treats you in the context of failing to meet your need for physical intimacy. She is invalidating your need for intimacy in the same way that you are invalidating her need for a clutter-free floor, and that will make you feel unsafe as well, like she doesn't care for you at all.
Choreplay is grounds for divorce. In what world is any of that sane? Basically ruining the entire relationship over very minor things. In a relationship people have to compromise. If the man is holding up 98% and has been a great provider and father, why nag him about the 2%?
have these women been to other countries, this is a joke they are privlege princesses who never had to struggle. they are privilege and we let them tell us what to do. men are more mature than women today, we've seen how they think of us when they take men to the cleaners and put us on child support.
@@matten_zerothe answer is that he isn’t holding up 98%, keep lying to yourself dude
Nothing I can add here that isn't already spoken...Women CAN'T be happy for any longer than a fleeting moment.
They are obly happy in their unhappiness.
I believe most people are not self-aware. However what you said about invalidation is where we can recover from our in/actions and repair our relationship.
My Wife and I should have divorced along time ago. I admit. I am very flawed. But I have knocked it out of the park I run a successful business and bent over backwards for her only to get ridiculed for the one small thing that wasn’t right in what I did. I finally told her look I am killing myself trying to please you and you make sure to find the wrong and have a reason to not be appreciative of my efforts. I was being berated so bad about my messiness that I finally picked up everything that was mine out of the house and put it in the garage. Clothes and everything. She said you are ridiculous I said yeah maybe I am but now nothing is in here and you can’t bitch about it now. My next move is moving out. I have changed and things are a little better and she is going to the doctor because she thinks she has a hormone imbalance. I hope it works cause I was done 8 months ago.
Sorry man 😢
You need to sit down with her and talk about social media and attention online. It's destroying marriages daily. Stay calm and loving but be firm. It's absurd you are tapdancing for her like that.
Your wife checked out long time ago, you need to wake up and not waste any more time with her. Going to the doctor is buying her time while you continue to suffer. Let her go.
You're a good man. I can tell because you admit you have flaws. Only good men do that.
Same happens with me and my wife. I bend over backwards and she emasculates and there's no win for us in sight. No matter how I negotiate or try to make a win-win she doesn't care. She takes one thought of her imagination and runs with it. She "doesn't feel safe" because I don't capitate to all of her selfish demands and her constant clinginess to her family. She wants for nothing and I provide everything. One day she will be a little lovey dovey, next day she will be resentful for whatever reason. When in reality, the one who doesn't feel safe is me.
She could take my son and my entire net worth at any given moment and I could lose everything. None of my emotional needs or perspectives will ever be acknowledged. I will never be validated or respected no matter what I do.
@@clauderock5600hes fooked by the courts if he divorces her.. she’s going to the doctors to say she’s feeling miserable this that and will use that against him too
Validation goes both ways. Just as one spouse doesn't validate the others feelings regarding how things affect them with their actions, likewise constant criticism will erode relationship safety. Both parties are usually guilty. Grace is what is required in a good relationship. No one person is perfect, we all make mistakes. Unfortunately we as humans are naturally self preserving. We need to have boundaries, yes but we can not allow permanent walls to come between us and our partners.
I feel you've just explained so much of why so many men are pegged as narcissistic. I have seen this before. So much. Amazing explanation.
Because it's not a mans job to make a woman happy in her life, even her own husband, it is simply not his duty, a woman's happiness is no one elses responsibility except her own
But as a woman focusing on your own happiness is deemed selfish???
@@fionay2014What? Who told you that?
@@rpersen many relationship discussions I've heard this
Interesting. I find that women tend to leave, or at least lose respect, when Im my most reliable and consistent. They seem to enjoy the more mysterious and drama filled relationships.
Not at women.
They treat you how you allow them to treat you - to a degree.
You can move the sun and moon and she will still disrespect you.
This is why i don't do anything for her anymore because she doesn't deserve it. I only do good for her when she motivates me to do good. If she is making me unhappy, I return the favor. If she makes me happy, I also return the favor. Either way, our marriage is a reflection of her.
@@smokingcrab2290💯
Because it brings them strong emotions and they are addicted to it.
@@titooney Alexithymia. Quite common these days.
Hi Matthew, after reading a few comments from other viewers, it seems like many men dont think they have anything to do with their wives unhappiness. Also, as if its not their responsibility to deal or help their wives. I know for a fact that human beings are also mental beings. We all have a degree of maturity and development about how to deal with life. A man can be as fragile in his mind as when he slits his wrists to avoid military duty (i've witnessed this during my tour). I also know that unhappiness is subjective and my wife may be unhappy about her appearance, etc. Seriously though, a husband marries his wife to give all he can give even if it hurts because he loves her.
This man still does not understand women. She was happy to date. Happy to get married. And then was suddenly unhappy? The problem is her nature. She needs someone to make her happy. No man should have to deal with that.
I am 52 years old and got divorced after 22 years of marriage. A few observations from personal experience…
Men are with women for love.
Women are with men for security.
Security for a woman in general means a home, a car, money and of course food. So when a man has a burnout and can no longer provide then most women will not be happy with their man anymore. It’s a shocking truth, but women do not love unconditionally. It’s primordially about security for a woman. It’s not about love and definitely not about sex.
Men don’t care about security whatsoever because they can always take care of themselves and they can live very minimally. Most men are generally content with their woman. More so if they can make love to their woman once or twice a week.
I know it’s wrong to generalise but I just feel that women don’t love as deep as men do. There may be exceptions of course. But in general? I don’t see it.
Yes, you’re right.
More women need to wise up to this truth and realize the conditions of their love for their partner before getting married. Financial stability from a capable and caring man is a must. No woman wants to be the bread winner forever unless she wants a child for a husband. Marriage is really a contract and should be touted as a contract with 2 contributors.
Matt, your book made a big positive difference in my relationship. Would appreciate if you could do more videos
Hapiness comes down to the individual. You have to be happy first in your own life before you can be happy with another person
What if he is always angry and when I am happy he says something which makes me cry? Every fucking time.
Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
First marriage for me went like this. Second marriage, I clearly negotiated my boundaries
Give me an example of how this works?
Just got your audiobook. Will start today. My marriage is already over, but I’m looking to learn. Sadly my ex- was a cheater & a liar, and highly emotionally destructive.
Thank you.. This may be a short and to the point video, but thank you. Your video hit home and made me realize a mistake both of us didn't realize we are doing to each other..
so the answer is to be hypervigilant to her emotions and what is going on in her head to pre-empt every single scenario in any random order from occurring while juggling live grenades and growing a horn because she expects you to be a unicorn that magically knows how she thinks and feels at any given time because your a mind reader, a problem solver, the dude who buys her shit and is her emotional tampon, never get upset, never feel anything, don't be judgmental, be caring but not a push over. Man I'm tried just trying to think through the ramifications of all of this! I need to check into a fuckin mental hospital to spend some time in a padded room!
Agreed it’s always the guys fault yet you give these girls 100 percent safety and they get bored
You hit it right of the ball park.
After 3 marriages, and in between, I I forced myself to stay 22 years in last one because of “our” child ( guess who got custody and moved far, far away) leaving me with the bills? The last two years she came back, and like a soy-boy, I took her back even though she never apologized for what she did (she always found an excuse to exonerate her wrongful behavior). My happiest times in reality was when I was with the guys going fishing/camping/tennis/car fixing/carpentry/electronics/stimulating no-holds barred conversations/etc.,etc. I’ve now concluded that men are happier together as pals because we care just enough for each other without becoming an emotional tampon or slave to them. Widowed now some five years and absolutely enjoying MY life as a single male again…and staying that way.
Ooh! I have alittle bump on my skull...may be thats my magical horn growing where she hit me!?
It’s a fucking nightmare
Experienced divorce lawyer here. If Brad Pitt, Kevin Costner, and hundreds of pro athletes go through messy divorces, what make you think you will be able to forever keep someone else happy? Stay safe. Stay single! You can thank me later.
The major problem with your observations and advice is that a MAJORITY of Celebrities and Athletes are extremely egocentric narcisses where fame and money have completely destorted their realities which directly conflicts with their spouse and the realities of the REAL world that the rest of the 99% of the world's population live in!!! So, you can NOT directly compare this very specific 1% to the rest of the 99%!
I think that the only way to be happy with any woman is to stop caring.
I know that sounds cold, but just look at how hard it is to separate a woman from an abusive relationship. They will often turn on their own family to stay with that guy that cheats on them, beats them etc. However a guy like me that tries his best to make sure she is happy and taken care of, has to constantly find new ways to make her happy. Pleasing a woman is like giving her a drug that the more she gets used to, the more it takes to please her.
So just stop caring for the sake of your own sanity.
I have been with my wife for 12 years and I have come to learn that women are never satisfied. You can make them happy for a little while, but they are constantly seeking more: attention, money, or something different to entertain them. Take from my experience when I say that only a person themselves can decide to be a happy, positive person on a more permanent level. Someone else can only make you happy occasionally.
I have finally reached the point where I give up on making her happy and have started to work on making myself happy.
So basically men can’t make women happy and women can’t make men happy. That’s what my conclusion is. Fuck marriage, fuck relationships. I’m done.
A woman can't feel safe with a man she can manipulate to do whatever she wants. It's like someone that can't drive teaching somebody else to drive.
It’s always safe to think about yourself first, reach your own goals etc …
I agree with you that woman are never satisfied and I also get the stop-caring part. As an introvert it's very easy for me to be alone, I actually need it people don't fill, they drain my battery. That let me to give the whole idea of being together with a woman a pass. Really once I realized this (she is never happy, I am never good enough)... I can't take being exhausted like this. It's too much. I don't want it. What I want is tranquility and peace of mind. A woman, in the long run, would only chip away at my sanity. And IF I managed to stop caring, what's the point of having her around?
Chris Rock said it best... ua-cam.com/video/RIJavth0a9c/v-deo.html
I like that you say what we each 'feel'. EMPATHY.
Bro, you just made the best argument ever to not even engage in a relationship with women. Imgine being so fkn high maintenance that you have to double-check "safety" every step of the way. This just tilts a good-deal-gone-bad scenario that much further in the woman's favor. You literally can't make this ish up.
My wife does this all the time. She always says "I don't feel safe! You don't make me feel safe"
Well, turns out her version of safety is me constantly capitulating to her point of view, always sacrificing my needs for her, and doing everything possible to cater to her emotions at my expense 100% of the time. Her version of safety is her living with her parents and taking my son to do the same while I foot the bill for her homestead and truck. All while she utterly ignores me. That's her version of safety.
They don't want safety. They want power.
The cause of her unhappiness (The problem):
Women are hard-wired to live in fear and anxiety. This causes constant negativity, always looking out for the worst outcome. This is why security is a subconscious goal, but more often confused with financial/material assets. When/if they have achieved the latter, the subconscious angst is still unappeased, and the unhappiness and restlessness continues.
The solution: Somewhere out there, probably in the depths of a black hole.
This is a good answer and makes sense, linking the biological and psychological condition. Great answer.
How do you trust an unfaithful wife? Because I found out that when you are having no positive impact on your wife no matter how much care you show her, she's probably having an affair.
If she's getting her needs met by someone else, she will reject your bids and ignore, or even twist the good things to be bad. She will actually be irritated because you are not the affair partner.
Sometimes, she's not happy with you because she's getting her needs met by someone else and she would find Jesus to be annoying. Cannot meet someone's needs who will not let you meet them. You certainly cannot move up Mazlow's pyramid if she's not willing to let you move up.
Sometimes, it's not the guy who has made it unsafe. If she's out having an affair, he's not the one making things unsafe.
Hey Tony. If this happened to you, I'm profoundly sorry, because I can't imagine how shitty and betraying that is. There are really bad things that happen to people, or that people do to one another in their relationships. Infidelity. Abuse. Crime. They all live on the list of things I call Major Marriage Crimes. And I don't think people are overly confused about why marriages end that include those behaviors. I focus my work on the so-called "Invisible" places. I think a ton of relationships between two well meaning, relatively well behaving people end routinely. And I don't think it's obvious to people why. It's not obvious because the ways we accidentally hurt each other and erode trust are simply not obvious. So everything I talk and write about is addressing these subtle, nuanced, invisible things. I don't think you're under any obligation to trust anyone you don't want to, let alone an unfaithful spouse. Betrayal is bad. You've highlighted what I perceive to be the most painful and dramatic. But what I'm usually talking about are the tiny betrayals. The stuff that doesn't hurt that bad. Just a little. That's the stuff that kills us slowly. And the stuff that kills us slowly and undetected is what I consider to be the greatest threat to the average relationship.
@@matthewfrayvideos But you cannot even deal with the little betrayals if one is not open and honest.
My ex-wife actually said she thought she shouldn't complain. I'm sure she was miserable. I know I was. But when I asked for just an hour a day that was just the two of us to touch base and so on, nothing. Or if I asked how things were and she said fine, which wasn't true.
Yeah, you cannot fix it if you are not being honest. I could not be honest for her. I don't doubt that people hurt one another. Sometimes intentionally, others times not. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it doesn't get fixed if you just sit and stew instead of working through the problem.
Attack problems, not people.
I choose poorly. I chose someone who could not be open and honest with others. I've been remarried coming up on 15 years. It's amazing what a difference a confident and honest woman makes in a marriage.
So don't sell the guys short. Most of us are not trying to hurt someone. We have a hard enough time understanding ourselves. If we don't get a clue or three as to what she's feeling, it's going to be rough. If she's feeling bad but putting on a brave face instead of being honest and using simple statements to say what she wants, it's just a disaster in the making.
Most men (or at least the ones I know) want to move heaven and earth for their wives. But if we are not given clear guidance from her as to what she needs, wants or is feeling, then we will grow discouraged and come to that conclusion, there is no pleasing her.
I don't know any man who goes into marriage saying he wants to marry a woman and make her miserable. Too much risk of losing his kids, money, home, etc for this to be a logical strategy.
He just wants clear instructions on what to do.
Anything less is unsafe for him.
At least be willing to explore what it is. If the expectation is if he loves me, he will know what to do automatically and his questions must be a sign he doesn't really love me (I heard that very thing from my ex-wife, who wouldn't give up after that?)
Safety is a two way street. Women are just as capable of making the relationship an unsafe space as are men. He cannot do her work for her. She also has to be committed to relationship safety. If only one person is so committed, there will not be a safe relationship. Just one person held hostage by the one who isn't concerned about safety. That's an unhealthy relationship.
@@buffuniballer I'm really sorry if I've communicated that I don't believe what you've just shared. Because I promise that I do. It's absolutely a two-way street. In my experience, in male-female relationships, women demonstrate a much higher degree of relational skills than men. It's NOT because men are bad. It's because boys historically were not raised to value learning relational skills. People just like me. People who mean well, and cause all sorts of harm in their blind spots. Not because they're jerks. Simply because they don't know how to see it. Not all men. Just some men. And certainly some women too. All I'm trying to do is tell the story of how I went from me 10-15 years ago, to whatever I am today. And I really hope it can help good people suffer less in their relationships. Because that's all I really want.
@@matthewfrayvideosas a sociologist with kids, my perception is it is much less gendered in the younger generations. As I tell my kids “your digital devices will not clue you in when you are being a relationship destroying self-absorbed jerk, only attention to your human relationships can do that. “
Well said !
Thank you Matthew.
I am so grateful to have stumbled upon your blog and video.
So insightful and helpful.
God bless you, brother! 🙏🏾
This is really good advice.. being happy in a relationship equals feeling safe in a relationship. By no means am i any relationship expert but I do believe both men and women can feel this way.. sometimes even at the same time
True. My 20- year marriage ended over this exactly.
I've been married a long time.
I had many short-term women when I was younger. And 1 girlfriend that was a few years. Now...I gathered all the data on those women and figured out what to avoid 😂 I've been married a long time. And I'm really happy. My wife is happy, always smiling and laughing. Cooks cleans, raised 4 kids still smiling still happy. I genuinely...and don't bite my head off here. I genuinely put the success down to 2 things. I married Conservative. And I've remained 'toxic' toxic masculinity as they call it...I personify it.
I was married for almost 20 years, and study friends and family's marriages all around me. You're right when a woman gets to comfortable at the base level of a relationship, they take it for granted. Being toxic keeps them focused on maintaining the base level, or lower level. So when the man randomly acts nontoxic, it's appreciated more. This makes them happy. But when en things are too good, they get bored and look for faults.
Being more masculine(which includes confrontation if your wife is sub par) is definitely a great ingredient for a great marriage. You avoided a lot of headaches with a conservative woman but truly a masculine man can train any B&@tch to be put in her place
Wym by toxic exactly haha
I married a conservative woman and she hates me because I won't live next door to her parents. She's just as selfish, stubborn, uncaring, vindictive, and psychotic as any other.
@@humanoid9787Toxic masculinity means men have their roles and women theirs. Men don't wash utensils or clean up the house or cook with a women on the couch watching TV just as women don't mend the fence, repair the car, or chop down a tree grown over the house's roof. Only simps go otherwise.
Hi Matthew, thank you for this video! I've honestly never considered "safety and trust" is why my wife feels unhappy. I make plenty of money and am reliable and do everything a husband should do for his family but your video means i need to acknowledge her concerns (especially because she was in a bad relationship with an alcoholic, womanizing brute). Many times i am totaly fabergasted as to why she complains about the smallest thing - a label on a soup can isnt facing outward?? Really? Well, now if i try to understand her now, you are saying she needs to feel like i value her concerns , about even the smallest thing. Well, i will do my best to do this and will come back latter to share the results! Hopefully you have enlightened me to listen to her concerns and to stop always disagreeing or saying i didnt do anything wrong.
My wife is cheerful and happy when I’m depressed, when I’m confident and happy the whole week will be her in a mood or distant. The second I go into a slump and become miserable like her then she perks up and gets in a good mood trying to get me to cheer up. If I cheer up we will go right back to the bullshit all over again, my teenage hormones made me want to swallow a gun far less than being married.
they are nutcases
Are you confident or cocky? There is a difference...
@@lalaa555 confident, being cocky just pisses her off so I try to just be sure of myself without rubbing anything in.
yo! thats accurate af description of most women i know
My wife does nothing to help me in this way. I can't stand her presence. And no matter what I do, I can never cheer her up.
In the midst of dementia my mother thought she had been pawned off on me to look after while residing with me in her own home. Attempting to get through to her one day at dinner, I said to her, "I want you to be happy here." She replied "That's your job." I was taken aback and said "Not in my job description." I pondered this and realized that if a person is relying on you to make them happy, it's a fool's errand to try.
I'm the wife....and this resonates so much.thank you...started questioning my sanity and if I was the one sabotaging our relationship. You have put words to my thoughts and feelings
Yes Maam- you are the one that destroyed your relationship.
Exactly!@@chinh101
Wow a woman that has accountability?
Thank you Matt, I feel really seen by you. I am broken after 34yrs of marriage. Hes a good alrounder chap and good looking. But trust is burnt. I don't feel safe that he will choose appeasing my daughter over me. I feel invalidated. His no was never no to her, she's resentful towards me alot of the time. I tried hard to be the boundary holder, he seldom had my back. He's oblivious to the pain he has caused me, has done exactly as you described when I've told him. His priority is our daughter dose not feel pain from him, he sees he is compassionate, and caring to her, I think he's set her up to for hurt.
I will share your video with him.
When safety and trust equal dishes and laundry from the man…. Feels like wtf do the ladies do for us? Can’t even be the homemaker anymore
They act like theyre holocaust victims because they have to put dishes and clothes into machines and push some buttons.
they cant do nothing bro
Matthew must have been recording my wife for the past 30 years with his spot on analysis.
I just finished your audiobook a couple days ago. Thank you for the work you are doing. I thought the book was fantastic and now my husband is listening to it too. You are going to help so many relationships.
Thank you so much, Angela. If you ever encounter someone in your personal life you’d feel comfortable recommending it to, I’d really appreciate it. Word of mouth, I think, is the only way it reaches a critical mass of people.
Thank you for checking it out, and thank you for taking the time to let me know that you liked it. Means a lot.
@@matthewfrayvideos It was written very well and with so much insight. I will definitely be recommending it, and even giving it as a wedding gift at the next one I go to! :)
@@angela5617oh thanks for the idea - I just got a wedding invite and it is a second marriage for both. I will be gifting them this book.
I lived in marriage hell for 15 years before leaving, but through that terrible experience I learned everything I know and now I help men to succeed in their marriage and in life. I'm glad I went through that awful experience because it made me the man I am
I get and understand what he's saying, but I think this is dangerous waters. The first life-coach I clung to after my divorce was Corey Wayne, who makes the point that women must feel safe and secure and heard and understood for the relationship to continue. But while it's important for her to feel validated and understood, it's also not fair to enter into a life-long commitment with someone who has "I need him to do all his chores in order to feel safe" values. Marriage is supposed to be "unless they cheat, unless they hit, unless they get addicted to something and spend all the family's resources, otherwise until death do us part." Not, "I felt invalidated because he didn't pick up his laundry." What is the cost of being a good boy and doing all her tasks? Your own masculinity? No woman is going to be attracted to a yes-man. This just sounds like a lose-lose situation with the wrong girl. I mean, maybe there's a way you can both work it out where you're not emasculated as her work-horse, you make an effort to do certain tasks, she addresses whatever childhood trauma that's making her afraid of dirty laundry? I'm not sure what the solution to this is other than "it shouldn't have escalated to marriage" and "you should've broke up with her at the first sign of dirty-laundry crazy." I suppose at the beginning of the relationship or when you start to live together, when you verbally start drawing out your boundaries, you also decide how to divide up chores? It's a talk I plan on having if I ever make it that far again (I might not; I'm fully prepared to go to my grave alone because I've seen the alternative).
A huge problem is that everyone sees "basic skills" as "low level"... Truth is that people who have excellent cooking skills tend to have high IQ's... People who really have DEEP cleaning skills and a wonderfully clean house tend to be intelligent. The VALUE of a healthy home cooked meal, homemade soup, a clean home, clean walls, clean floors etc... is hugely underrated. So when someone makes a great meal, it should be celebrated. There are lots of people who study energy that say a clean home has 5X more positive energy, plus way less mould and mildew in the air.
A huge amount of happiness can be derived from a home that is CLEAN and fast/delicous meals are the NORM.
EXAMPLE:
The best coffee in my city comes from MY kitchen.
I start with artesian water, filter it and use organic freshly ground coffee. It costs about 20 cents a cup for me to make.
Both men and women hugely under-value "basic" living skills and if a person comes home from a hard days work to a clean house and a homemade meal, they should show gratitude to their spouse.
@@kevinscottsphr5214 I don't disagree with any of your points. Honestly, I feel the "seat up" argument is silly since there's a lid that is clearly meant to be kept down. But it's all beside my point that he (or really "they") shouldn't be held hostage by dirty laundry. If either of them are missing the rock-solid marital value of "till death do us part" then they shouldn't have gotten married.
Well said Matt ! You know of what you speak ! Thank you !
The timing of when these "safety" issues crop up is interesting. Before marriage, the guy has tons of options and the woman probably feels very insecure about that but they're having plenty of intimacy together. Once the man proposes and after the couple is married the man is displaying many more signs of commitment and security, yet the woman ironically claims that she now has "safety" issues. She feels VERY secure with my ring on her finger and all the money she's spending, yet now that the stability is there, she uses this "safety" ploy as a power play where no real safety issue exists. If anything, a Beta Brad married type is running in circles trying to please her and make her feel heard and wanted. It's never enough if you weren't her first choice. Never get married gents! Fall in love and sample the goods, but never move in together and never be stupid enough to marry.
aye captain! roger that.
I’ve heard girls say they felt “secure” with a new bf that simply solved one small little thing for her. Then you get married and suddenly safety’s gone. How crazy is that?
What is you say is generally correct. Men need to be somewhat more mindful. But if we have to be constantly be on alert about, toilet seats, tissues on the floor, tooth paste or tooth paste caps, shoes not put away, garbage not taken out immediately, not calling the second we know we might be a little late, being sent to the store for 10 items and forgetting just one and then the women focuses only on the one missing item and starts yelling or demeaning the man because of it. This shows a lack of concern and respect by the woman. That we constantly have to walk on egg shells about every little thing or she will criticize him like a mother or their boss. It sounds like it always has to be all about her. Of course I am not saying, we should not care at all and constantly do all the above things. But I think most men only occasionally do them. The secret to a good marriage is, if the wife is respectful (men function on ego, women on emotion), appreciative, playful and supportive, this will make men want to do more for their wives.
@@stevenm.2597 Yikes marriage or roommates …all that crap is just the bottom basics of being a decent human. If you get sent to the store and you almost never screw up with things and make a mistake no big deal however if you routinely screw up? Why would anyone ever deserve such low quality? I mean if only 10 items how could you possibly mess that up. You witw it down, you triple check before you check out and if appropriate text before leaving the store to confirm nothing se is needed. If you forgot 10 percent of the order I mean come on how hard did you ACTUALLY try? That is really pathetic if you would routinely think someone would be happy with that pathetic of results. It’s your spouse, you should want to give them the absolute best possible! I mean come on you have to screw up and not really care practically at all to have that few of groceries to remember and you still manage to screw it up? Why would you expect someone to accept such a pathetic attempt as okay? Like if it’s some weird blurp okay but routinely doing something that immature and crappy is basically telling your spouse you don’t give a flying fig about giving them a good life.
Because women need to work on their own happiness.
It's not that we don't have a responsibility to our relationship needs for each other. But women's expectations are 1000% unreasonable. They require more than humans are capable of giving.
As women mostly act as kids and refuse any responsibility for most of their choices, they can't work on themselves and as a result are never happy. It's quite simple.
Wow! You really hit the nail on the head! You won a subscriber and a like.
In your video you mentioned your wife leaving you because she wasn't happy as you mentioned (I presume). Tell me, is she happy now.. in her new life?
This describes the issue in my relationship so well. I don't understand why this is such a hard concept for people to understand and integrate into their relationship.
I think it's more respect than safety
This has been very helpful. I need to understand more about invalidation & how to work on being validated. I think myself & my partner both have this issue as both our parents our emotionally unavailable. I definitely feel that I need to understand more about the safety & security. I have subscribed & thank you for sharing this helpful content. I want to adopt a money making mindset over a poverty one, so that o can further working on myself with more psychotherapy. I find it very helpful
In today’s busy world & where there is lack of village/community.
Go your own way, you have a hand
What happens when she doesn’t feel safe and she feels hurt because I left a dish by the sink and then she tells me about that now I feel hurt and unsafe that she’s being nitpicky like that now what ?
I have a problem keeping consistent work, I do pay my equal share of bills, but I live paycheck to paycheck, it's hard to save money. When I do get on top of my bills some tragedy happens and my savings get depleted. Last time my work van was needing repair, and our usual trusted mechanic closed up shop. So I went to Midas and they ripped me off for 3800 dollars. And then when I found a trusted mechanic I didn't have the money. My wife didn't want to loan me 1700 dollars. I felt suicidal, I didn't know what to do, I felt abandoned. She finally did loan me the money but I am not safe for her future ideals. I know I am going to have to work until the day I die, I have faced this "reality" a long time ago. But I wasn't prepared for the harder it gets the more time passes.
@ScarCaskt Don’t commit suicide. You are loved! My relationship isn’t perfect but a big red flag I see is your wife “loaning you money”? Seriously? Marriage is two people becoming one flesh. This is based on biblical principles and is encoded into our laws. Just think of the tax code and how it pertains to married couples. IMO women are inherently miserable, therefore, men need to set boundaries so their misery doesn’t get out of hand.
Two people are not 1 flesh such crap. Not all women are miserable and not all men are miserable. Enough of your BS
In my humble opinion, we humans are not built for too much confort.
A woman is never happy.
She needs fire in her life to feel connected.
If you give her problems to solve, she will be engaged.
If you solve most of her problems, she will disconnect.
A man should find problems for her to solve and competition for her to overcome.
Most will not agree but this is the way toxic relationships last more than average ones.
The fire coming from arguments, other women desiring her man, problems she must solve keep her invested - and investment is what makes her connected.
The more you give, the less she cares.
The more you solve, less engaged she becomes.
This guy is clueless. 10:15 he admits to doing all the simp behavior and his wife left him. Maslow is a clunky theory to apply in this case. I don’t believe putting the wrong socks in the hamper made his wife feel unsafe. She had no respect for him. Get a better haircut, lose weight, get better clothes, and exercise. Accept the hard truth that being nice and submissive will make many woman unbearable and leave the relationship.
Exactly! You’ve hit the nail on the head. He’s desperately looking for a reason outside of his own SIMP mishandling. Sadly, this is why he’s doomed to repeat the same ish with his future paramours.
After the next woman (or women) take away more of his ish, he’ll finally have that “Aha!” epiphany!
🤷♂️ IJS
Enjoy your red pill douchbaggery, dickbags. I’m not venturing anywhere near advocating for submissiveness or “beta” behavior.
But hey. Good luck, tough guys.
@@matthewfrayvideos
Haaa! Good one!
😄😂🤣😅
Wait! What?
You’re serious??? 🤨
😂😂😂😂
Maslow's Heirarchy is a very relevant and useful 'model' for humans to use when thinking about themselves
This hits hard with me currently and I'm really digging into myself and outward for the correction of my thought patterns when it comes to the auto pilot setting when my wife has something to say about how she feels. My habits have been ruining our marriage and I am dedicated to fixing this for our family. Thank you, Matthew
Zach, thank you for sharing your experience. It really struck a chord with me as I'm praying that as I work on myself, my husband will also come to the same realization that you seem to have had. I've been hanging on for a decade and it's worsened over time and I'm having a hard time to continue hanging on. May I ask, what led you to this insight about yourself? Is there anything a wife can do to help this insight occur or aid in the process?
What a weak simp you are. This is our current state of affairs wrapped up into this comment
Have you ever thought it is not you. It is her???
Zach, update.
@@GUITARTIME2024 going through the divorce process. Uncontested.
This was very helpful. I appreciate this a lot. I definitely don't feel emotionally safe in my 20yr marriage.
And there it is… the guy needs to do more after everything he has already done. At some point, she needs to reciprocate the good that she has received instead of requiring more without any expectation of having to reciprocate. This guy is just another simp.
I haven't watched the whole thing yet but I'm leaning in your direction.
these women are vampiress, you can thank all the tv shows and movies they live a fantasy life
you are so smart - explains a lot in all relationships
Mainly brevet she has placed her happiness before yours. She is always worried about her needs and what she isnt recieving rather than what the relationship needs. Critical and argumentative, these people are selfish. Basically if they are always arguing, they believe deep down that they can do better and they settled...
There is a lot to be said about a man who "takes an extra minute" as you say, especially if you have a stay-at-home wife with every single household chore and childcare on her shoulders. Yes, it primarily our role to wash your clothes and dishes and floors and bedding, cook your meals, make your lunch for work, keep the fridge stocked, etc... but if we're cleaning up after you like we're "momming" an adolescent, we WILL be less into you because we're using so much energy on things you take for granted. We'll see you as more of a child than a grown-ass man.
Could NOT be hitting the nail more on the head regarding how Im feeling right now. I don't feel safe with him, he's not being consistent, and I now I'm falling into nitpick mode because of it all. I want to send him this video. Like, I'm shaking mad right now because he's stopped doing things he used to and I'm feeling neglected and no longer important. I'm at a place in my life where I'm sick and tired of having to train people how to be with me. I give them the keys to the kingdom by telling them expressly how to make me feel safe, which is often through transparency, honesty, and consistent behavior, and they still continue to fall short. I don't get it.
You need to give that to yourself
Brutal honesty is what the men dealing with this issue need before they are too old and waste too much of their lives…
Talk to them about it. If they don’t change then leave your wife. That is a form of abuse. Make sure you keep records of your conversation and how she reacts and acts. You can use this in court after you divorce her for the emotional abuse. Trust me. Women like this will try to ruin you during divorce so make sure you keep records of how she treats you, the insults, the belittling, everything.
Men. We deserve to live a happy life. I left my abusive wife, found an online job and now live my dream life traveling Southeast Asia while working online. I live in a tropical paradise and live like a king. Life is amazing but you gotta take that first step.
Life is short and it’s a gift. Get out there and live it my brothers!!!
Very good - very insightful and helpful to me as I review why my relationship with my girlfriend ended. I am sure that you would advocate that both parties in a relationship act in the way that you advise. Thank you
western wives really dont comprehend how privileged they are
They don’t. They are experts in sabotaging anything good that they have
When a person sacrifices there time with loved ones to earn money to take care of those loved ones and then the spouse hates or resents them for the time it takes them away from the family to earn that money then cheats on the provider and says it's their fault for not being home enough is it my fault as the provider she cheated it hurts so much I'm so confused questioning if life's worth this anymore????
It’s not your fault, per se, but she does have a sex drive, too, and if no one’s there to fulfill it…
100% Absolutely 💯 thank you! This is exactly what I’m feeling
I don’t understand. If your wife needs everything validated maybe she needs a therapist? How do I validate something genuinely if I don’t agree with her view
Went through a 32 year relationship that ended in divorce when she told me I no longer meet her emotional needs , it broke my heart for I fell in love with her the first time I met her , with 4 children from 16 to 9 I was out , 10 years later I still haven’t healed from it . The devastation that men go through, loss of future you had planed , money , intimacy, time with your children can break a man , financially, physically , emotionally and spiritually. I tell all my kids that if you get into a relationship that the other person says it’s your job to make me happy , get out , o tried for 32 years to make her happy and failed at every turn , people are either happy with you or their not . I’m not sure I will ever trust another woman with my heart , I can’t take that hurt again