I've been doing this to my wife for years. But had no idea I was walling all over her so bad. Need to make major adjustments in my relationship to her and do a better job listening to what she actually needs, and following through on it. Instead of just assuming my way is always the best and right way.
This is such sound advice. I was married for 30 years and the trust was eroded in the first 7 years of that marriage. He scoffed frequently at pretty basic needs, like planning date nights, helping around the house, and parenting. I love this exercise, while ideal, it’s something to strive for. Thank you, Matt.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Victoria. Obviously something happened after the first 7 years to see you twos reach 23 more years together. May I ask what happened after those first 7 years?
OMG. I've tried to explain to him, and he "seems" to understand that I view his actions/lack of actions as lacking of common courtesy. If he's to share a house with someone, then he needs to be more considerate of what he's doing/leaving behind/messing up, etc. It doesn't help that his mother interferes and tell him she wishes I would do more so that he can get the "important stuff" done . . . and then he throws those words in my face when he demands I need to do his laundry! He's agreed twice to go to counseling with me, but then complains that he doesn't have the money (he does). Before I needed a new car and had a car payment, I used my hard-earned money to take myself to counseling. I feel like we could be a really great team, but you can't get a cart pulled if only one of the horses is pulling. I'm at the end of my rope, just trying to justify leaving at this point.
I love your ideology. I definitely suffer of something you talk about with invalidating my wife. It "erodes" trust is such a great term from what it seems like it is happening in our relationship. Life is uffing hard and forgetting about your spouse is too easy. Thank you for the words.
Matt thank you for this! I am currently “reading” your book on audible and take notes to share and discuss with my wife. I feel with this incredible tool that you’ve created out of your own misfortune is really helping me to open my stupid-ass eyes finally! I really look forward to what’s next as I listen as well as your videos here! Can’t thank you enough! Carmelo
I think the most betrayed I've ever felt were the countless times I'd ask about certain hopes and dreams and events in our life, and getting one word responses only to then overhear stuff that suprises me with family or acquaintances later. The lack of curiosity about me and my rich interior life is what's been killing me for over a decade now. I'd leave, but now I'm so broken down, leaving isn't a possibility, and would only hurt the kids more than our shitty marriage already does.
This really makes sense to me. I will do the work. I won't even share this with her. She may not recipricate it. I will be respectfull of what I now know these things, these little detail can add up. They could be a sighn that she has some healing to do, that has nothing to do with me, but she was very firm and articulate about every item has a home in the kitchen etc, my tardyness in my time management etc, makes her thing I don't care. She is very dissmissive avoidant, even a little narcissism for shows up, I do love her, and I see her on a deeper level,, and that love gets tested, subconsciously I bet. For sure it get's tested.I can't force her to understand my perspective how these issues are so miniscule,, I would be dissmissing her feelings That's being loving on my part. Eventually, she will learn about my boundries as long as I am consistant with how I respond, not react
Oh God 😞, it's all just so sad. I did everything in my power to show her I loved her. I crossed the world twice to visit her. Its hard to believe something so pedestrian can signal a lack of love, I may not understand it but at least I now know that although it is not my language of love. I might have to learn to speak it, sadly too late. 😕
In order to not be surprised, its very very very simple, temper your expectations. Keep your expectations low and you will never be dissapointed, if you keep demanding and expecting too much from your partner because you have an ideal version of them in your head, of course you will be constantly surprised... Women in particular suck at this, its always prince charming sadly. Worse even when they think the things they do like simply existing and being with you, grants them right of expecting things of you that they themselves do not do...
I've been doing this to my wife for years.
But had no idea I was walling all over her so bad. Need to make major adjustments in my relationship to her and do a better job listening to what she actually needs, and following through on it. Instead of just assuming my way is always the best and right way.
This is such sound advice. I was married for 30 years and the trust was eroded in the first 7 years of that marriage. He scoffed frequently at pretty basic needs, like planning date nights, helping around the house, and parenting. I love this exercise, while ideal, it’s something to strive for. Thank you, Matt.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Victoria. Obviously something happened after the first 7 years to see you twos reach 23 more years together. May I ask what happened after those first 7 years?
I’ve been a regular reader of your blog for years, great to see you on vid.
Thank you. I needed to hear this tonight.
OMG. I've tried to explain to him, and he "seems" to understand that I view his actions/lack of actions as lacking of common courtesy. If he's to share a house with someone, then he needs to be more considerate of what he's doing/leaving behind/messing up, etc. It doesn't help that his mother interferes and tell him she wishes I would do more so that he can get the "important stuff" done . . . and then he throws those words in my face when he demands I need to do his laundry! He's agreed twice to go to counseling with me, but then complains that he doesn't have the money (he does). Before I needed a new car and had a car payment, I used my hard-earned money to take myself to counseling. I feel like we could be a really great team, but you can't get a cart pulled if only one of the horses is pulling. I'm at the end of my rope, just trying to justify leaving at this point.
Thank you Matthew. You are indeed a Godsend! I love you, man! ✊🏾👍🏾
I love your ideology. I definitely suffer of something you talk about with invalidating my wife. It "erodes" trust is such a great term from what it seems like it is happening in our relationship. Life is uffing hard and forgetting about your spouse is too easy. Thank you for the words.
Matt thank you for this! I am currently “reading” your book on audible and take notes to share and discuss with my wife. I feel with this incredible tool that you’ve created out of your own misfortune is really helping me to open my stupid-ass eyes finally! I really look forward to what’s next as I listen as well as your videos here! Can’t thank you enough! Carmelo
Really? I read it, take notes, then cry to the point I puke
Spot on
Just found you and appreciating everything you’re saying. Please keep making content. Wishing you success💕
I think the most betrayed I've ever felt were the countless times I'd ask about certain hopes and dreams and events in our life, and getting one word responses only to then overhear stuff that suprises me with family or acquaintances later. The lack of curiosity about me and my rich interior life is what's been killing me for over a decade now. I'd leave, but now I'm so broken down, leaving isn't a possibility, and would only hurt the kids more than our shitty marriage already does.
Oh my …. Same …. Like death of a thousand i dont cares ..
Thank you so much
This really makes sense to me. I will do the work. I won't even share this with her. She may not recipricate it.
I will be respectfull of what I now know these things, these little detail can add up. They could be a sighn that she has some healing to do, that has nothing to do with me, but she was very firm and articulate about every item has a home in the kitchen etc, my tardyness in my time management etc, makes her thing I don't care. She is very dissmissive avoidant, even a little narcissism for shows up,
I do love her, and I see her on a deeper level,, and that love gets tested, subconsciously I bet. For sure it get's tested.I can't force her to understand my perspective how these issues are so miniscule,, I would be dissmissing her feelings
That's being loving on my part.
Eventually, she will learn about my boundries as long as I am consistant with how I respond, not react
Really good!
6:19 💥 "...when you have a SERIAL INVALIDATION HABIT like I used to." 💥
Oh God 😞, it's all just so sad. I did everything in my power to show her I loved her. I crossed the world twice to visit her. Its hard to believe something so pedestrian can signal a lack of love, I may not understand it but at least I now know that although it is not my language of love. I might have to learn to speak it, sadly too late. 😕
In order to not be surprised, its very very very simple, temper your expectations. Keep your expectations low and you will never be dissapointed, if you keep demanding and expecting too much from your partner because you have an ideal version of them in your head, of course you will be constantly surprised... Women in particular suck at this, its always prince charming sadly.
Worse even when they think the things they do like simply existing and being with you, grants them right of expecting things of you that they themselves do not do...
I did... until your book