I needed this so much tbh, I’ve been resenting my parents because they won’t let me do x and y but in reality, I think I resent myself more because I’m too cowardly to advocate for myself. Was a harsh reminder but one needed nonetheless.
As a desi woman in my early 20s, this is exactly what i needed to hear right now and I’m sure a lot of others relate. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences ❤
My parents suck pretty bad. They are not religious at all, yet my dad still adopted all of the worst parts of the cultural aspect of back home despite him growing up in Canada since he was 8. Putting me in a gender role, constantly controlling us, and then on top of that him and my mom fought all the time. It was a constant war zone of yelling, possible altercations etc. I stayed there till I was 28 thinking I was the the only sane person that could keep peace (it was true) but I left cuz I got caught in the middle in a bad way. I have always blamed my parents for the lack of parenting they did, lack of support they gave, and despite that I still tried my best to do what I needed to do. Finish school, get my own car, get a good job, find a kind and caring partner and now have a house. I never stopped feeling like, what if they didn’t XYZ, and now I know even though I have my successes, I can’t constantly be blaming them or wrapped up in that past. I like to watch your videos because I feel like I can relate to a degree and I also like to understand how my older sister sees life (she’s Muslim, my moms family is, my mom isn’t). But I also know we’re apples and oranges. The advice still helps and I find it quite grounded. I have been here since your old content, I will never forget the ASMR one. That one lives absolutely rent free in my head lol.
I'm more concerned about raising my child (for reference I'm not married and have no kids yet) than bearing them. I think in our cultures, it's more of a numbers game; the higher the quantity of children we have, the more praise we get, rather than the quality of their upbringing.
I already know this video will trigger me so I can’t watch it at this moment in my life lol but just hearing what you said in the first two minutes just made me feel seen and a little bit less isolated. Thank you for making this, Tazzy.
I HIGHLY recommend reading “But What Will People Say” by Sahaj Kohli … it was wonderful to put language to the problems that children of immigrants experience.
I feel like forgiving ourselves is the first step to heal completely and become better people, everything that happens after that becomes easier. Forgiving others too. And "disappointing people is not the same as betraying them" was a wisdom nugget I really needed 🌱
i’m not kidding when i say that i feel genuinely connected to you (not in a parasocial way haha); i literally never ever listen to podcasts or watch these types of videos, but every single word you say resonates with me on a level i never thought anyone could and it’s genuinely making me emotional. None of my friends really relate to me , and as the eldest daughter watching everyone around me thrive, im stuck in an environment that pulls me down constantly. I find myself lonely and unable to find anyone that can help me out. Hearing you validate and say these topics out loud is so so relieving. there’s a lot of emotions rn haha, but jazakallah khair, genuinely. This video means a lot to me
Absolutely loved this video ♥️ I feel like a lot of us were in a boat where we needed to move out of our family home to grow, be independent, and be able to nurture ourselves yet when we did it, we felt so isolated because people weren’t really talking about it until recently. To anyone thinking about moving out, your parents may throw the biggest fit of their lives and say things no parent should say, but usually they get over it and accept it with time-it’s new to them too.
Thank you for being our digital big sis we always needed but never had! Even though I consider myself very lucky to have not so strict parents, I feel like I am usually the one who puts the pressure on myself to be a certain way bc those philosophies are installed in me by my environment and stuff. English is not my first language so I don’t know how to properly explain it but maybe it’s somewhat understandable. I am in my mid twenties and finally feel like learned to accept things for how they are and that has been so eye opening to new perspectives. Just like you said in the video I feel like us with similar background’s should stop complaining and blaming others at a certain age and take things in our own hands because otherwise nothing will change. Much love from austria
My parents become less strict especially after I got my degree. I now put pressure on myself because of these learned behaviours and because my other siblings (not to blow my own trumpet) aren't on par with the expectations my parents had of their children. If I don't follow the script, then it makes me feel off in some way - it's super hard to explain the feeling but I hope I've made sense.
Thank you so much for this chat Tasneem. It is very important to have discussions on these topics and how they entrap immigrant daughters. It is really hard to see how you are being manipulated when everyone around is perpetuating and sustaining these traditions and making you feel bad for carving out your own path.
The amount of guilt that my parents piled on me, both intentionally and unintentionally, has weighed me down my whole life. I know I resent them to a point, my dad more than my mom. I really dont have a relationship with my dad and I feel emotionally responsible for my mom. I feel trapped and honestly, its exhausting.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You have pleasant cadance and I enjoy the clarity of your expression. Habibti, in this life I mourned losses deeply. Things i devoted my life for that didn't pan out. But I try to do what Allah desires and remember not to get too attached to the dunya, which is easier said than done, but is undoubtebly the correct mindset. Also, with love, I'd like to remind to observe correct hijab (everything covered except the hands and face) and to avoid profanity, may Allah guide us all. May Allah deliver you and the baby belsalama!
I'm not an immigrant, my parents are kind of (my grandfather on my mother's side immigrated from one Arab country to another aka the country i live in right now and my father's parents immigrated from the Arab country i live in right now to France and then my father came back to his mother country) i can assure you that i feel and understand and have been through everything you said in this video, coming from a strict family i have always felt like it was my duty to make them feel good and not make trouble so that i don't make it more complicated for them since they have already through enough through their family history, and girl, it's exhausting.
The crazy thing is the extent to which the desi culture draws on religion to enforce certain practices and social mores. It's the ultimate guilt trip! So I grew up hearing the same ahadith and stories of the sahabas, where the central point is unquestioning obedience to parents, or extreme self effacement, or denial, or sacrifice - values and behaviours that are prioritised in the subcontinent. Yet when I married my husband, who had grown up in North Africa, he had never heard of those stories, and his shock at how much they shaped the relationship parents had with their children was quite apparent. A lot of the ahadith and stories he had grown up with were reflections of bravery, wit/intellect and brotherhood (or being an ally, in today's parlance). The wisdom that came from those stories meant they had a more rounded, more human understanding of the personalities involved. And I saw how relationships between parents and children were warmer, less defined by obligation and honour (though of course it still exists for women), and yes, that sense of ownership that desi parents can have. And that's when it hit me, that Muslim really ain't a culture!
Yes I hate it when they cherry pick hadith Like my mom always says “silence is worship” but I think it’s a way to just shut up women now, thank you for the great perspective
As a north african woman i can say your husband's experience is because he is a man, that's why he did not experience any of this. I have always related to desi's experiences in a way, maybe it's true our parents don't pretend to own us like yours do to the same extent but god, being a north african girl/woman is still so suffocating.
This was a good video honestly. The biggest take away for me was that disagreeing with your parents isn't disrespect. Ngl I grew up in a colosseum of a household where our punishments were on a stage it was horrible and horrific. The religion was twisted in ways to harm my siblings by our parents. I was led to believe if I didn't live a life my parents "approved of" that I was a sinner. I'm slowly unraveling such beliefs and realizing that as long as I'm trying my best to please Allah swt that's really the only person I need to approve of how I live my life. It's scary to make your own decisions when you've been admonished for doing so your whole life but I promise it is SO worth it. To the girlies who are scared, put your trust in Allah swt, tie your camel, and do what's best for you and Allah swt will inshallah guide you to what's best. You make the first step and Allah swt will make the rest easy I promise. Tazzy may Allah provide for you an easy delivery and bless you with a healthy baby that is the coolness of your eyes ❤
I don’t think I’m exactly the target audience for this, but I’m so glad I stuck around bc this was such a wise video. Thank you for emphasizing how important it is for young girls in tough situations to be hyperaware of their agency and the fact that they always have choices, even when they feel stuck and scared. So many ppl need to hear that ❤
My Muslim parents are considered "liberal" for our community. They sent me off to an elite liberal arts college after high school, even though I hated it and didn't want to go. After attending that school, I came home from college more assertive and empowered, naturally. My dad and brothers hated this. I soon developed a severe mental illness and in the midst of that my dad and brothers would psychologically abuse me. I'm 34 years old now and I still experience abuse from my dad for the way I changed after college. I want to move out but my dad becomes more abusive when he sees me trying to advance myself professionally. My mom and siblings gaslight me whenever I complain about my dad. I don't know if I'll ever get out of here. Most Muslim guys don't want to marry me because of my mental illness.
This was a good video, but I feel like your criticism of the desi girl who came home at 3 a.m. and saying no desi parent is going to allow that contradicted your main point. If she’s doing what makes her happy, isn’t that the same principle you’re encouraging? Plus, your desire to move out and live the city life for six months is just as unrealistic for some people as a desi parent allowing their kid to come home late. It feels like this undermines your message about doing what makes you happy. If that’s how someone wants to live their 20s, it’s their choice. Judging them for it seems like placing limits on what others are allowed to hope for or enjoy, based on their boundaries or their parents’ expectations.She wasn’t afraid of coming off as disrespectful because she prioritized herself and her happiness, in a way that a lot of girls could learn from her
I think if you don’t want to observe the cultural values of your parents then you should move away from home. You can’t expect them to change their values for you. Of course physical and emotional abuse is never acceptable. Thanks for making this video, I think many people need to hear this.
Can I share this with my parents, lmao I love my parents, but there is no actual depth of emotional connection bcos they're just so entrenched in this weird victim phase. Where if I disagree or find anything 'wrong' in their opinion, it is a fkn meltdown of nuclear proportions. It's caused me to stfu and bury everything. I have 3 kids. It's embarrassing that I can't talk to them. Idk. This podcast was healing. Thank you.
Hey, REALLY curious about what you think of this - what you described about self-sacrifice and family, family expecting daughter to be hurt but keep giving, etc. sounds like textbook narcissistic abuse tactics! What do you think? Like it's crazy how verbatim to the narcisisstic abuse definition this sounds.
I used to feel this way. Our parents are like this for one reason: lack of deen. They’re misguided. When you submit yourself to Allah, follow the Quran and Sunnah, I promise you this will make a huge difference in your life. We were created for this reason. And what’s the reward? Jannah. And there is no bigger reward than Jannah. You will be so much at peace with yourself. A home without deen is a broken home.
Tasneem, Thank you so much for this!! I could see myself in all the points you've mentioned 🥹 Growing up I'm realizing so many stuff about my environment and how much it has affected my life! I feel so seen and validated throughout your video!
I needed this so much tbh, I’ve been resenting my parents because they won’t let me do x and y but in reality, I think I resent myself more because I’m too cowardly to advocate for myself.
Was a harsh reminder but one needed nonetheless.
As a desi woman in my early 20s, this is exactly what i needed to hear right now and I’m sure a lot of others relate. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences ❤
My parents suck pretty bad. They are not religious at all, yet my dad still adopted all of the worst parts of the cultural aspect of back home despite him growing up in Canada since he was 8. Putting me in a gender role, constantly controlling us, and then on top of that him and my mom fought all the time. It was a constant war zone of yelling, possible altercations etc. I stayed there till I was 28 thinking I was the the only sane person that could keep peace (it was true) but I left cuz I got caught in the middle in a bad way. I have always blamed my parents for the lack of parenting they did, lack of support they gave, and despite that I still tried my best to do what I needed to do. Finish school, get my own car, get a good job, find a kind and caring partner and now have a house.
I never stopped feeling like, what if they didn’t XYZ, and now I know even though I have my successes, I can’t constantly be blaming them or wrapped up in that past. I like to watch your videos because I feel like I can relate to a degree and I also like to understand how my older sister sees life (she’s Muslim, my moms family is, my mom isn’t). But I also know we’re apples and oranges. The advice still helps and I find it quite grounded. I have been here since your old content, I will never forget the ASMR one. That one lives absolutely rent free in my head lol.
I'm more concerned about raising my child (for reference I'm not married and have no kids yet) than bearing them. I think in our cultures, it's more of a numbers game; the higher the quantity of children we have, the more praise we get, rather than the quality of their upbringing.
Very true, and that's something I think about often as well.
Yes people don't consider the upbringing but mainly the number
I already know this video will trigger me so I can’t watch it at this moment in my life lol but just hearing what you said in the first two minutes just made me feel seen and a little bit less isolated. Thank you for making this, Tazzy.
This! Haven't even started yet cause 😬😬😬
I HIGHLY recommend reading “But What Will People Say” by Sahaj Kohli … it was wonderful to put language to the problems that children of immigrants experience.
I feel like forgiving ourselves is the first step to heal completely and become better people, everything that happens after that becomes easier. Forgiving others too. And "disappointing people is not the same as betraying them" was a wisdom nugget I really needed 🌱
Your content is inspiring and Powerful mashaAllah Allahuma barik laha. Keep going, and post a lot more! Please do share your social media handles too!
Love your perspective, you're gonna be a great mom to your kid ❤
i’m not kidding when i say that i feel genuinely connected to you (not in a parasocial way haha); i literally never ever listen to podcasts or watch these types of videos, but every single word you say resonates with me on a level i never thought anyone could and it’s genuinely making me emotional. None of my friends really relate to me , and as the eldest daughter watching everyone around me thrive, im stuck in an environment that pulls me down constantly. I find myself lonely and unable to find anyone that can help me out. Hearing you validate and say these topics out loud is so so relieving. there’s a lot of emotions rn haha, but jazakallah khair, genuinely. This video means a lot to me
Absolutely loved this video ♥️ I feel like a lot of us were in a boat where we needed to move out of our family home to grow, be independent, and be able to nurture ourselves yet when we did it, we felt so isolated because people weren’t really talking about it until recently. To anyone thinking about moving out, your parents may throw the biggest fit of their lives and say things no parent should say, but usually they get over it and accept it with time-it’s new to them too.
I didn't even know this was a thing and didnt realise I was in this situation till I found myself in it, I really needed to hear this one.
Thank you for being our digital big sis we always needed but never had! Even though I consider myself very lucky to have not so strict parents, I feel like I am usually the one who puts the pressure on myself to be a certain way bc those philosophies are installed in me by my environment and stuff. English is not my first language so I don’t know how to properly explain it but maybe it’s somewhat understandable.
I am in my mid twenties and finally feel like learned to accept things for how they are and that has been so eye opening to new perspectives. Just like you said in the video I feel like us with similar background’s should stop complaining and blaming others at a certain age and take things in our own hands because otherwise nothing will change.
Much love from austria
My parents become less strict especially after I got my degree. I now put pressure on myself because of these learned behaviours and because my other siblings (not to blow my own trumpet) aren't on par with the expectations my parents had of their children. If I don't follow the script, then it makes me feel off in some way - it's super hard to explain the feeling but I hope I've made sense.
Thank you so much for this chat Tasneem. It is very important to have discussions on these topics and how they entrap immigrant daughters. It is really hard to see how you are being manipulated when everyone around is perpetuating and sustaining these traditions and making you feel bad for carving out your own path.
Please keep on posting 😢. You are one of the best ❤❤
The amount of guilt that my parents piled on me, both intentionally and unintentionally, has weighed me down my whole life. I know I resent them to a point, my dad more than my mom. I really dont have a relationship with my dad and I feel emotionally responsible for my mom. I feel trapped and honestly, its exhausting.
This video hit home- I needed to hear this today big sis ❤️
I LOVE THIS SERIES TYSMMM!
You’re literally carrying my immigrant Muslim girl life
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You have pleasant cadance and I enjoy the clarity of your expression.
Habibti, in this life I mourned losses deeply. Things i devoted my life for that didn't pan out. But I try to do what Allah desires and remember not to get too attached to the dunya, which is easier said than done, but is undoubtebly the correct mindset.
Also, with love, I'd like to remind to observe correct hijab (everything covered except the hands and face) and to avoid profanity, may Allah guide us all.
May Allah deliver you and the baby belsalama!
You're like an older sister that I never had ❤
I'm not an immigrant, my parents are kind of (my grandfather on my mother's side immigrated from one Arab country to another aka the country i live in right now and my father's parents immigrated from the Arab country i live in right now to France and then my father came back to his mother country) i can assure you that i feel and understand and have been through everything you said in this video, coming from a strict family i have always felt like it was my duty to make them feel good and not make trouble so that i don't make it more complicated for them since they have already through enough through their family history, and girl, it's exhausting.
The crazy thing is the extent to which the desi culture draws on religion to enforce certain practices and social mores. It's the ultimate guilt trip! So I grew up hearing the same ahadith and stories of the sahabas, where the central point is unquestioning obedience to parents, or extreme self effacement, or denial, or sacrifice - values and behaviours that are prioritised in the subcontinent.
Yet when I married my husband, who had grown up in North Africa, he had never heard of those stories, and his shock at how much they shaped the relationship parents had with their children was quite apparent. A lot of the ahadith and stories he had grown up with were reflections of bravery, wit/intellect and brotherhood (or being an ally, in today's parlance). The wisdom that came from those stories meant they had a more rounded, more human understanding of the personalities involved. And I saw how relationships between parents and children were warmer, less defined by obligation and honour (though of course it still exists for women), and yes, that sense of ownership that desi parents can have.
And that's when it hit me, that Muslim really ain't a culture!
Yes I hate it when they cherry pick hadith
Like my mom always says “silence is worship” but I think it’s a way to just shut up women now, thank you for the great perspective
As a north african woman i can say your husband's experience is because he is a man, that's why he did not experience any of this. I have always related to desi's experiences in a way, maybe it's true our parents don't pretend to own us like yours do to the same extent but god, being a north african girl/woman is still so suffocating.
This was a good video honestly. The biggest take away for me was that disagreeing with your parents isn't disrespect. Ngl I grew up in a colosseum of a household where our punishments were on a stage it was horrible and horrific. The religion was twisted in ways to harm my siblings by our parents. I was led to believe if I didn't live a life my parents "approved of" that I was a sinner. I'm slowly unraveling such beliefs and realizing that as long as I'm trying my best to please Allah swt that's really the only person I need to approve of how I live my life. It's scary to make your own decisions when you've been admonished for doing so your whole life but I promise it is SO worth it. To the girlies who are scared, put your trust in Allah swt, tie your camel, and do what's best for you and Allah swt will inshallah guide you to what's best. You make the first step and Allah swt will make the rest easy I promise.
Tazzy may Allah provide for you an easy delivery and bless you with a healthy baby that is the coolness of your eyes ❤
that intro has me crying omg so real 🤣
I don’t think I’m exactly the target audience for this, but I’m so glad I stuck around bc this was such a wise video. Thank you for emphasizing how important it is for young girls in tough situations to be hyperaware of their agency and the fact that they always have choices, even when they feel stuck and scared. So many ppl need to hear that ❤
Love love love everything you said! Cheers!
Thanks❤️
I 💯 agree with every point love how eloquent u are
Thank you so much for talking about this topic everyone is scared to address some of ur points
i need to hear this so badly that i started bawling in the first 5 min
same
Just started watching but where are the older videos on your channel??
its a new channel! She still has her OG channel tazzy phe :D
@ omg thank you sooo much :))
My Muslim parents are considered "liberal" for our community. They sent me off to an elite liberal arts college after high school, even though I hated it and didn't want to go. After attending that school, I came home from college more assertive and empowered, naturally. My dad and brothers hated this. I soon developed a severe mental illness and in the midst of that my dad and brothers would psychologically abuse me. I'm 34 years old now and I still experience abuse from my dad for the way I changed after college. I want to move out but my dad becomes more abusive when he sees me trying to advance myself professionally. My mom and siblings gaslight me whenever I complain about my dad. I don't know if I'll ever get out of here. Most Muslim guys don't want to marry me because of my mental illness.
why both of your videos are relatable to me
I really like your top! Where did you buy it from?
This was a good video, but I feel like your criticism of the desi girl who came home at 3 a.m. and saying no desi parent is going to allow that contradicted your main point. If she’s doing what makes her happy, isn’t that the same principle you’re encouraging? Plus, your desire to move out and live the city life for six months is just as unrealistic for some people as a desi parent allowing their kid to come home late. It feels like this undermines your message about doing what makes you happy. If that’s how someone wants to live their 20s, it’s their choice. Judging them for it seems like placing limits on what others are allowed to hope for or enjoy, based on their boundaries or their parents’ expectations.She wasn’t afraid of coming off as disrespectful because she prioritized herself and her happiness, in a way that a lot of girls could learn from her
added to watch later ☑️
Can you please makea video about how to deal wih resentment? Especially when you see this person on a regular basis and they don't apologise
Would love the links to the other videos you mentioned at the start ❤
in her other channel tazzyphe
I think if you don’t want to observe the cultural values of your parents then you should move away from home. You can’t expect them to change their values for you. Of course physical and emotional abuse is never acceptable. Thanks for making this video, I think many people need to hear this.
do u only have 2 videos up? i love this video and want more
Can I share this with my parents, lmao
I love my parents, but there is no actual depth of emotional connection bcos they're just so entrenched in this weird victim phase. Where if I disagree or find anything 'wrong' in their opinion, it is a fkn meltdown of nuclear proportions. It's caused me to stfu and bury everything. I have 3 kids. It's embarrassing that I can't talk to them. Idk.
This podcast was healing. Thank you.
I love my mom but she was kind of like yours😢
Hey, REALLY curious about what you think of this - what you described about self-sacrifice and family, family expecting daughter to be hurt but keep giving, etc. sounds like textbook narcissistic abuse tactics! What do you think? Like it's crazy how verbatim to the narcisisstic abuse definition this sounds.
what happened to tazzy phe account??
I used to feel this way. Our parents are like this for one reason: lack of deen. They’re misguided. When you submit yourself to Allah, follow the Quran and Sunnah, I promise you this will make a huge difference in your life. We were created for this reason. And what’s the reward? Jannah. And there is no bigger reward than Jannah. You will be so much at peace with yourself. A home without deen is a broken home.
10pm 😂girl our curfew is 6pm in summer and 4pm in winter. What r u talking about missing out on fun
What were you lying about?
Here I am praying that your parents don’t see this video😅
Tasneem, Thank you so much for this!! I could see myself in all the points you've mentioned 🥹 Growing up I'm realizing so many stuff about my environment and how much it has affected my life! I feel so seen and validated throughout your video!
this is so real & validating! thank you tasneem 🤍