Narcissists will use a death to be in the limelight & 'look good' - if only to themselves. 10 years of silence after alienating me from my son, and now with my son's death - they are coming out of the woodwork.
When my 97 year mother dies ( head of the narrsisstic family) I will not attend the funeral.I will not give them any change to hover me in. I'll move after the funeral and they will NEVER see me again!
Sounds toxic. You've got to make a decision that you can live with. And it sounds like you're trying to protect your peace. Thanks for watching and sharing!
This not only happens when it comes to funerals, but I've realized that people like to bring up the death of mutual friends or acquaintances; Whereas, all it seems they are trying to do is score social credit points.
Sad, but true. Their behavior reflects how they want to be perceived, how they really feel about themselves, and the trauma that they've experienced. Thanks for watching and commenting!
When I had an accident and broke my leg and ankle, my ex used my pain medication as a form of punishment, refusing to give me it. Physically dominating me when I couldn't walk. She used my closest friends death to get her own supply, by pretending to others it was her best friend, she didn't even know my friend or met him. While I was mourning his death, she used his death to get sympathy from multiple other men.
My Dad with my Mom. She had dementia and he'd act like such a caring husband when he was out where people could see him but I caught him multiple times yelling at her and being rough with her because she couldn't do basic tasks like putting on a jacket or stuff like that. So we got her out of there and put her into long term care away from him and then he acted like it was such a crime for them to be separated because he couldn't use her for supply anymore.
My father is a pastor and was not asked to preside over his mother's funeral. He had a rocky relationship with her. He refused to talk to any of his family and stormed out as soon as the service was over. It was like seeing a child throwing a tantrum.
Sorry for the loss of your grandmother. It's sad that your dad wasn't able to grieve alongside his family. Community is such a big part of healing. Thanks for watching and sharing!
You actually have a humorous approach to this. You already know that Black folk love to play up, "well, if the Lord decides tomorrow at 3:15 in the morning on a Tuesday to take me home . . .", more of us who's familiar with "the game" should respond, "I thought you couldn't wait to see Jesus!" At any rate, great video.
a mutual friend has passed away and the narcissist is hoovering me , contacted me via her phone, tugging at my heartstrings, not talking about the deceased, but about himself, how he's closer to his sister, stuff like that. I sense an ulterior motive yes, an opportunity to try to reconnect with me. Looking for sympathy about his own brother's passing, who he didn't see for years. If he was a normal person I would be my usual sympathetic self but I know he assumes I'm going to sympathise with him. I can see right through him now and am reluctant to show empathy, although I haven't been unkind, just brief and indifferent. The things he did and said to hurt me, I have a wall up now and any contact, I feel ill . I don't want to go backwards. Keep in touch?! with a smiley and a kiss?! I said I'm not interested and blocked him.
So sorry for your loss. And sorry for the pain you endured from the narcissist. Sounds like you know exactly who and what you're dealing with (or no longer dealing with, as the case may be). Trust your gut. Thanks for watching and sharing!
I noticed the ex narc posted funerals on social media too. Pics with different families, getting t shirts made of the deceased, pics holding the obituary while posing, videos of balloon send offs & candle light vigils. It was a good number of funerals over the years. Hes very deceptive & causes alot of trouble & confusion all while secretly living with an incurable disease himself. I didnt understand any of this stuff until after leaving him.
That sounds draining and discouraging. It's hard to live, when you're hyper-focused on dying. Hope you can make time for things that light you up and make the most of your life. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Thanks for sharing; very helpful. My ex-narc took advantage of his niece's funeral to draw advantage to himself by acting the victim -- even when he has not been in touch with the deceased for years. But during the planning process, you would have imagined that he was the closest person to my cousin given the deep weeping he did, and the stories he told of the one (yes, ONE) conversation he once had with her in which he "prophetically" declared that she would become a pastor! My cousin never became a pastor!
Thanks for sharing! That’s sad and hurtful to those closest to your cousin, for him to seek attention, validation, and a one-up, during your time of grief. Sorry for your loss!
@@iamlesleycain Unfortunately, most of them are his flying monkeys so were blind to his manipulative tactics -- they did what they always did around him -- give him undivided attention :-(
My sister has been given very clear instructions if my narc brother or any of his family show up at my funeral she is to call the police and have them escorted out. He will not use my funeral as his playground to deceive people. My brother and his family have did nothing but torment me for in person and/or on social media for several years. I have cousins who thought, because of my brothers lies, I was the worst daughter in the face of the planet when my ma and dad were alive. My brother convinced all the out of town relatives I never called or talked to my ma. I finally took screenshots of my call history on my phone and proved he was lying when they saw calls almost everyday that sometimes lasted 45 or 50 minutes.
When our patriarch died, his wife excluded their own grown daughter and granddaughter and insisted their other two grown children, adult grandchildren, and a few others contact/inform their scapegoat sister of service schedule after it was over! Instead of being a good matriarch and calling/welcoming her own grown chicks back to the nest some family members could reconnect and grieve together and share as a family, she used her husband's death is a means to inflict yet another cruel exclusion to her own targeted scapegoated daughter. She's done this sort of stuff as long as we can remember but no one will call her on it because they're afraid of her and don't want to join the scapegoat on the second-class citizen list.
Sorry for your family's loss. You understand the importance of community in the healing process. It's sad that the matriarch does not; and that her scapegoating behavior is being enabled by other family members. Thanks for watching and sharing!
The malignant narcissist I divorced opportunistically used my parents funerals and other crisis that had happened to his advantage to garner empathy and sympathy for himself . Yet behind the scenes he was yelling at my kids and I to “get over it”, “ you’re still bringing this up about them “when we were mourning .He would mock and belittle my son for crying at my Mom’s funeral.He intentionally started fights with me and my kids before, during, and after my parents funerals . I will never forget him antagonizing a fight with me complaining constantly over how he was to be entertained and fed ..as if he was on a vacation While I was being dropped in the parking lot left all alone outside the funeral home to make arrangements and view my mom for the first time .He abandoned my sons and I to drive the 12 hours back home for him to fly off on his vacation he yelled at me and got my son to do the same while mourning my mom that whole week that he wasn’t changing his plans to be there for me when I needed the most support
when my spouse went to that mom's funeral, since she had planned for her funeral she told the minister she was a widow. To say she was a widow to her husband. But she had divorced him years earlier (she was not a widow she was not married to him at his death) because she felt abandoned and she had to step up to the plate when he was sick and committed to a hospital for the rest of his life (medical mistake). During that time she brought in many new men to some detrimental to the large family. It destroyed the family. People understood that she was not a widow, that she was 'that's just mom'. But the impression was given she was a widow and when the minister was confronted, he said, well, that was what she said. It was infuriating to my spouse.
Lesley, you are a lovely person, hope you're fully recovered from your accident. Ugh, I'm no contact with 87 yr old narc mother for 5 years. We're from a small town. I've already decided I would not attend mother's funeral when it's time, for this very reason. Narc Ex husband will surely be there seeking supply and making himself look good and reaffirming to everyone that I'm the bad person. We were married 31 yrs and he always hated my mother, yet, he'll show up looking like the "good & caring guy." Phony & hypocrite to the MAX. I won't expose myself to this.
Thanks so much for your kind words and well wishes! I've recovered from my accident. Sounds like you have a solid plan for your mom's funeral. You have to protect your self and protect your health! Thanks for watching and commenting!
Thank you.I really,REALLY,appreciate it as I just received a photo of my flying monkey father at UCLA Hospital being embraced by narcissistic mother. It almost looked staged so to squeeze every ounce of emotional response to feed her narcissistic supply. My first cousin sent it to me of whom I've tried to explain this situation which is incomprehensible to him and I finally gave up. With the photograph my cousin said he's in the hospital but he didn't say he was dying though that was the implication from the photo. The last time I had any contact with that family after six years of going no contact was my father's showing up at my house and becoming threatening when I wouldn't allow him in. Now this. My first thought was no way am I walking into that emotional minefield of visiting him in the hospital and probably running into my total narcissistic Golden Child brother to abuse me and my narc mother to play the victim after all the withholding of any love & affection from me my whole life. I simply responded that I will pray for him. I hate to say it but I'm going to be glad when they both pass so all this drama will finally be over with.Knowing my super Catholic mother though she would seek attention from me even from the grave if she could. Thank you so much for your channel. have just subscribed to it and God bless you.
Hi, and welcome! Sounds like you've been dealing with messy narcissistic family behavior over the years. And it sounds like you've found some much-needed validation here. As difficult and counter-intuitive as it may seem, sometimes you have to love them from a distance and maintain your boundaries, for the sake of your health and wellbeing. Thanks for watching, sharing, and subscribing!
My husband played meet and greet reunion smiles celebration snd wanted to be honored by my family for helping out, welcoming all the friends and family, while my siblings were all grief stucken over my sisters death bc her husband signed a dnr and dni on my sister at 53 yrs old. My husband said, what can i say, he was her next of kin.
I am experiencing a power move via a funeral now. The narcissist was my best friend who I cut out 10 years ago. I grew up and have been close with her entire family but was especially close with her brother who just died. She messaged me to tell me that she knew I would want to know about his passing. I didn’t respond but other family members asked me for photos because they didn’t have much. As soon as I give the photos over via online, a box popped up asking for my memory of the deceased. I very carefully wrote my memory. I then received another message from the narcissist saying that I should have wrote “Sorry for your loss”, to not attend the service, and ending with “thanks for reminding me why I haven’t spoken to you in 10 years.” Even though I didn’t speak with the narcissist, they were manipulating my emotions to get what they wanted and then trying to cut me off afterwards. I just received messages from many people who have repeatedly said that I should be there but I don’t want to give them any more options to maneuver. It’s truly sad and sick.
Sorry for your loss. Sounds like you're offering support, while maintaining your sanity. And your gestures seem well-received by the majority. Seems like your ex-bestie is trying to leverage this loss, in a petty attempt to feel better since you cut her off. So sad to feel conflicted over paying respects in person, due to someone else's toxic behavior. Ultimately, you have to make a decision that you can live with. Thanks for watching and commenting!
I"m sorry for your loss. I was cut out of my son's life & death (Parental alienation by narcissistic relatives). I held my own tribute and avoided theirs.
Indeed, they do. These controllers want to execute the event as a stage show. To magnify everything to optimize their supply. And they love it. Controlling the relationship even more. It's comical and sad. All fake.
Thanks so much for watching, and your feedback! I have a lifetime of experience with this type of behavior. And I’m doing much better post-concussion. Thanks again!
One time my gran made me go to a funeral with her for a friend of her i didnt know and it was awkward. Im never going to any funerals. Cause i hate funerals
I have consistently dodge my mother and my sisters, every time there’s a funeral. They want to make contact with me at funerals, because they know I will not acknowledge them, and they want other people to see me snub them so that way everyone sees it and they can add it to their smear campaign against me for being a bad son, brother because I went no contact. So now, every time I hear about someone dying, I cringe because I know I have to attend that funeral. Each time it gets harder, and it seems like they try to find different ways to corner me each funeral. If anyone can advise me of what to do, because I am at a loss …
I'm so sorry that has happened to you. You can't even grieve in peace. Narcissists are all about appearances, and funerals provide opportunities to manipulate people and wreak havoc in relationships. Sounds like you may need to find other ways to honor the deceased and protect your peace. Thanks for watching and sharing!
My ex narc girlfriend talked about her ex husband who killed himself and that supposedly beat her up regularly. She said that she cried at the funeral the most of all people and that it was because she felt relief that he's gone. After I dumped her for cheating on me and lying for months, she accused me of the same thing, although I never hit her. I did slap her a few times, as a response to her slapping me. She used to slap me whenever she got angry, which was often.
Narcissists often lack maturity and the ability to regulate their emotions. They resort to lying, cheating, manipulation, and physical violence, in order to control their environment and others. Glad you saw her true colors and disconnected from her, so that you can focus on your health and wellbeing. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Yah my gramma has been complaining for 40 years about how bad she feels and how she wishes Jesus would come get her. Every time you talk to her she has to moan through a list of her aches and pains which drives the family crazy. Always saying how she wishes Jesus would just come get her. Her impact on all of us has been negative. I ended up having an NDE(near death experience). I was taken to Hell, because I had a real issue with unforgiveness. BUT while I was there Jesus showed me relatives that were on their way to Hell too. When I came back I had to go to each person I'd seen and tell them, so I eventually ended up at gramma's house. We sat together in the back yard. The edge of the back yard is lined with a forest behind it. I was starting to get through to her when I saw in the trees directly ahead..Jesus appearing in the forest with a choir of angels. I knew that if she just looked up she would see Him too and He would take her to heaven right then, but the phone rang before I could say, 'gramma look'. She was in a heated argument with the neighbor and knew it was her calling. She jumped up, ran in the house & I watched Jesus disappear with His angels. She'd missed it. I couldn't bring myself to tell her. The only time my family gathers is for funerals like buzzards. They say things like, 'When I die no one is allowed at my funeral". Now ...I understand what Jesus meant fully when He say 'let the dead bury the dead'. I won't be attending anymore family funerals; especially now that I can see them still right after they die. A gift I received after my NDE. Sometimes they get dragged to Hell in my presence and I'm just not in the mood for that.
The aches, pains, and complaining can literally go on for decades and become part of a toxic lifestyle; and you can't unsee through it. Sounds like you've set a firm boundary, when it comes to funerals. Thanks for watching and commenting!
@@iamlesleycain Yep. The other side is real and narcissism is demonic. Real bad deal. People don't realize ..this isn't a game. Well it was nice talkin to ya. Have good one.
"If the Lord says the same." That statement makes me cringe every time I hear it, probably because those most prone to say it are emotional charlatans.
Narcissistic father left me out of his will. My heart broke 2x! Yet, I had a sense of relief that I don't have to put up with the everyday b.s. That feeling he can't hurt me ever again is sweet and free. At times it feels great. Then sad, because he didn't have to be that way!!!! Still in the healing process! One day, one week at a time.
Sorry for your loss(es)! It's sad that they don't value the relationship, and use their wills to control and manipulate after they're gone. Enjoy your freedom and peace. They're priceless!
Losing your dad was not a loss, it was a win for you. You now have the RIGHT to heal and you will. The memory will never go away but in time, I believe, it will hurt less and less. For me it's taking over 12 years, but I'm a long way from whence I came so I'm happy for the progress. It's having them out of your life that makes it happen easier. Good luck and keep the faith.
Even though they are not close to the dead relative, they would cry the loudest, be the most active one at the funeral. People would say, Wow! She really loved her uncle. When he was alive and in desperate need of help she was not there for him although he has no wife and children.
Yes. Perception is everything to narcissists. And they'll resort to all kinds of theatrics at funerals, in an effort to get their needs met. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Sad but true. Few people will question a funeral, especially these past couple of years. And most people would get caught up emotionally and not consider the possibility of it being used as a way to get attention, ghost, hoover, etc. Thanks for watching and commenting!
Hi just clicked on this so fast . My ex husband always , constantly went to funerals . He must have went to over 500 . No joke . On his own . I thought he actually got a kick out of people being dead in a coffin. The amount of funerals he went to was unreal . I thought maybe he got a kick out of someone being sad . These people that died he hardly knew them 🙄weird
Attending funerals is a way to pat themselves on the back as a 'do-gooder'. Won't show up in life to offer substantial support, but funerals allow them to pretend to be empathic. They don't have to open their mouth with anything of substance, they just get to be seen by others in attendance.
I cannot believe this video popped up. This is exactly what happened to me. My mother-in-law died. Narc sister and her husband came to the wake. We greeted them, briefly talked to them. They went and saw other family members and sat down. I was busy greeting 100 other people in the room. My son saw my sister start crying and said she'd left the funeral home. No idea why. Fast forward less than 4 months later. My father-in-law dies. They'd been married 73 years. My sister sends my husband a text the day before he is to bury his dad saying, Sorry, we won't be there because of the way your wife treated us at your mom's funeral. It was unbelievable. We were in the throes of planning the funeral with all that entails, dealing with family, and my sister somehow made my FIL's funeral about HER. I even asked my sons what I did when I heard about the text. They were at a loss as well. I found the whole thing petty and completely disrespectful to my husband. Typical narcissistic behavior. Sad and pitiable.
I'm sorry for your losses; and I'm sorry that you had to deal with this petty, immature behavior during your time of loss. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Hey I know I’m a little late to this video but I have a question. How should someone handle a Hoover at a funeral? I’m worried that when my grandmother passes I will be hoovered by my Nm whom I’m no contact with (almost a year now). She is notorious for making funerals about her self. She’s always the most affected person by another’s death and will go as far as fake passing out or hysterically crying or even starting arguments. I can just see it now. Her coming to me in tears about her late mother and causing the biggest uproar if I don’t coddle her in public. I will be demonized for not being there for her in her time of need. I have no desire to comfort a soulless women though. It wouldn’t even be comforting, it would just be a hit of supply and that would make me feel dirty and used all over again. Any advice would be so appreciated ❤️
Thanks for watching and commenting! It's not too late. Congratulations on no contact. Sounds like you understand who and what you're dealing with. While we can't predict or worry about future events, we can live in the present and set firm boundaries around our attendance and interactions with others. Focused therapy sessions around major events can be helpful too. Have you watched my videos on "Narcissists Will Try to Sabotage Your Special Occasion?"
I don't know if you can 'delay the memorial" and thus keep the date out of the obituary pages and have a smaller event. ... I was cut out of my son's life & death (Parental alienation by narcissistic relatives). I held my own tribute and avoided theirs. My son ended up with three tributes. On two sides of the country.
My brother is very ill and I absolutely dread his funeral. My own sister ruined my marriage, with my greedy ex husband, who allowed her behavior. Being around those people will be hell. I moved 1300 miles to keep away from them and the thought of going around them again. Ugh.
I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you. Sounds like you're dreading having to deal with toxicity under the circumstances. Time to set your boundaries to protect your health and wellbeing. Check out my videos on protecting your peace, dealing with narcissistic family, and boundaries. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Thank you, I am trying to understand my daughter's mother and this is very helpful. We both attended a funeral yesterday too. I hope you have recovered and are okay now. God bless.
I went no contact with a narcissistic friend whose husband passed in June and the memorial service is in September. A mutual friend told me, but I don't want to go. After watching this video, I know the narc is going to be the center of attention. Is it wrong not to go?
Hi! Sounds like you no longer consider your grieving "friend" a friend. And yes, narcissists will use funerals to get supply. Seems like you don't want to go, but feel guilty about it. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to attend; and you're free to do as you like. So, whether you attend with strong boundaries in place, or decline to go at all, you have to make a decision that you can live with. Thanks for watching and sharing!
my grandma’s memorial service is coming up and im/we’re already bracing for my aunt’s behavior. she saw my grandma while she was in hospice shortly before she passed and that was the first time she saw her in 6 years (me pointing that out in an open heart moment and her completely irrational tantrum reaction to that, is what even led us to realize she has npd when we subsequently fell down a rabbit hole of articles on narcissism). of course all of the planning has fallen upon my mom’s and my shoulders (which we’re fine with tbh bc less drama) although she pouted about making sure she was included in the memorial service planning while she visited. it’s really evident she’s been on a high from all the attention since my grandma passed, it’s sad. we already know she’s going to make herself seem like the most compassionate daughter ever although the truth is when my grandma first became sick my cousin (her adult son who wanted to visit) told me she said she wasn’t sure if it would be “worth it” to visit my grandma/her mother not to mention she treated my grandma poorly over the years….. but yeah of course she’s a singer and is going to sing a song at the service 😄 I really am trying to figure out how to stay centered next week because I don’t want my aunt’s shenanigans and downright coldness to take away from the fact that next weekend will be about celebrating the beautiful human my grandmother was. seeing people online who’ve been through this is proving comforting so thank you!
Hi, Shalenah. You're not alone. And I'm so sorry for your loss. Sounds like you're a truth-teller, who is very fond of her grandma. I'm sure you and your mom will pour your hearts into honoring her memory with a beautiful service. Practice lots of self care during this difficult time. Thanks for watching and sharing!
@@iamlesleycain Hi Lesley, thank you for your words and compassion. They remind me that it's most important to focus on the positive side and what we can control. I'll make sure to practice lots of self-care! All the best to you :)
You're welcome! It's sad when family members act so selfishly around funerals. Zero self-awareness or respect for the deceased; and no shame. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Thanks for watching and sharing. I'm so sorry that happened to you! To clarify, my black eye and concussion were from a biking accident (see my video "Walking Wounded" for details), not physical abuse. Wishing you complete healing and a speedy recovery!
Indeed, it was the final hoover move, the tears turned so quick into an erection, I was disgusted and knew never to believe that demon again. So foul to behave in such a manner
My husband’s brother died 1 1/2 years ago and we are just having the wake today and tomorrow the funeral. He was cremated. My husband is so excited and wants a big funeral. I think at this point it should be close family. He has already started practicing crying, he loves the attention! Now I have to sit next to him a hold his hand when he is balling his eyes out! Eye roll!!!
My father in law was an abusive malignant narcissist, his wife was a narcissist and his enabler...when the father in law died. My mother in law treated it as a social event...she was flitting from person to person, chatting, smiling...i never saw a tear at all. I would have thought it was some sort of party, not a funeral. So she really used it for supply and the ability to be the center of attention, she wanted to be seen!! I think she was glad the husband passed so she could be who she wanted to be and have the spotlight to herself.
"...She wanted to be seen..." At a funeral. Sad on so many levels. Sorry you experienced that; and sorry for your loss. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Hi! I'm so sorry, if that's happened or is currently happening to you. Narcissistic families are traumatized individuals drowning in a toxic cesspool of hurt, where no one can help anyone else. But they sure can hurt everyone else, including themselves. In my experience, and regardless of the nature of the relationship, narcissists will use *any* funeral as an opportunity to get their needs met - no matter who or how it hurts. I hope that you prioritize your health and wellbeing on your healing journey. Thanks for watching and sharing!
My family was amazing. They were just kind and generous people. Because of this, they were fairly well known. Devastatingly I lost them. My narcissist, ex who trashed every one of them wanted to be with me and sit with me at the funeral just because he knew there would be thousands of people there who would be looking at me, as the only survivor. He used my horrific tragedy as a means as attention. Only a monster could manipulate a persons worst moment.
Sorry for your loss. Yes, narcissists will cause, or use, a tragedy for attention; and they will position themselves for maximum exposure, at the expense of others. Thanks for watching and sharing.
What you describe seems like opportunistic pretend grief to run a game. Your relative was shamelessly working the room, so to speak. That had to be hard to see, when you were there trying to grieve the loss if your loved one! I'm sorry for your loss. Hope you and your mom are well.
Thank you! Narcissistic families do a lot of "rug sweeping." As a result, deeply-rooted generational trauma goes undealt with. So, funerals and other occasions can be extremely messy, where misplaced emotions and manipulative mourning are present. Thanks for watching and commenting!
What about a narcissist who drives their husband to kill themself, and then uses the funeral to excuse their sexual addiction behavior? My Narc ex did that. It makes me sick.
Hi! And yikes! That's terrible. Narcissists will do anything to avoid taking personal responsibility for their behavior. Glad you got out of that toxic relationship safely. Thanks for watching and sharing!
It took a while for you to get to the point. My thoughts on attending this funeral for my younger sister (suicide by alcohol), my older narcissist will, I am sure be looking for supply. My plan will be to attend the funeral, talk to the widower and not go to the after event at my nacissists house. My hubby and I will got to the beach and play. I am only going to the funeral for my brother in law and his kids. I have NO PLANS on talking to her at all, told my hubby to get in her way if she approaches me.
Hi! Thanks for your feedback. My concussion probably didn't help. Sorry for your loss. Sounds like you've got a solid plan for protecting your peace around this untimely event. And play is very healing for trauma survivors. Take care, and thanks for watching and sharing!
Leslie, can I ask you a direct question? Here goes. My narc sister, I believe also had Munchausen Syndrome based on what she put my elderly mother through. She would take her to doctors other then her own and have more test done which included blood draws in her hands which was extremely painful for her. Her personal doctor was furious when she took my mother to Scripps Hospital in San Diego, they ran a ton of tests, meaning more needles, and they put her on meds her own doctor had taken her off of. Then my sister would brag about it. My mother would tell me, "I'm tired of being a lab experiment". I felt so helpless to physically stop this. I yelled and screamed at her to stop with the experiments and she kept doing it to my mother. I believe there's a connection to her other mental illness, she HAD to do this to my mother. What are your thoughts please.
I'm so sorry this happened to you and your mother. What do you know about ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)? I'm not a clinician. But, based on my research, Munchausen Syndrome has been linked to childhood trauma, like many other mental illnesses, chronic health issues, and substance abuse. 💚
@@iamlesleycain What made her a narcissist? I had never heard of ACEs, It could be suspect because my sister would spend many hours in my parents bedroom alone with my dad, I always wondered what was going on (even being in my pre-teens), but then, again, my dad molested me when I was three, but it didn't mess me up. I survived My sister, in later years, went to a therapist and eventually slept with her husband. How messed up is that? But thank you, it does put my focus on a possible cause. My sister was the princess.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. If you'd like, you can email: support@lesleycain.com and I can send you some information that can shed more light on ACEs and their impact on health and wellbeing. 💚
They can also use it to sew discord and drama. It’s not a good way to get attention during a time like this but they’ll do it. By stirring all of that up, others that aren’t physically present can then complain about the “trouble” at the funeral or after funeral so they can make sure they are included. Instead of sending condolences or a card. To me, it seems like an attempt to make sure some focus is upon them (instead of honoring the life of the person who has passed on). This same situation can also come into play when someone is sick, having surgery, that really has nothing or little to do with them. So, the set out to insert themselves and make it about them. I’ve seen the sympathy garnering (in my bio family) ,credit taking and distaste for anyone but them having any emotion of their own when a loved one passes. The only positive is: the person behaving in these ways show their true character and everyone around them can see it (and hopefully take note).
Narcissists will use a death to be in the limelight & 'look good' - if only to themselves. 10 years of silence after alienating me from my son, and now with my son's death - they are coming out of the woodwork.
So true. Using a death to look good is not a good look. Thanks for watching and sharing. And sorry for your loss.
When my 97 year mother dies ( head of the narrsisstic family) I will not attend the funeral.I will not give them any change to hover me in.
I'll move after the funeral and they will NEVER see me again!
Sounds toxic. You've got to make a decision that you can live with. And it sounds like you're trying to protect your peace. Thanks for watching and sharing!
This not only happens when it comes to funerals, but I've realized that people like to bring up the death of mutual friends or acquaintances; Whereas, all it seems they are trying to do is score social credit points.
Great insight! Thanks for watching and commenting!
They use someone’s illness too.
They are hard to understand pretend to be the carer but behind the scenes they’re cruel and uncaring.
Sad, but true. Their behavior reflects how they want to be perceived, how they really feel about themselves, and the trauma that they've experienced. Thanks for watching and commenting!
When I had an accident and broke my leg and ankle, my ex used my pain medication as a form of punishment, refusing to give me it. Physically dominating me when I couldn't walk. She used my closest friends death to get her own supply, by pretending to others it was her best friend, she didn't even know my friend or met him. While I was mourning his death, she used his death to get sympathy from multiple other men.
My Dad with my Mom.
She had dementia and he'd act like such a caring husband when he was out where people could see him but I caught him multiple times yelling at her and being rough with her because she couldn't do basic tasks like putting on a jacket or stuff like that.
So we got her out of there and put her into long term care away from him and then he acted like it was such a crime for them to be separated because he couldn't use her for supply anymore.
My father is a pastor and was not asked to preside over his mother's funeral. He had a rocky relationship with her. He refused to talk to any of his family and stormed out as soon as the service was over. It was like seeing a child throwing a tantrum.
Sorry for the loss of your grandmother. It's sad that your dad wasn't able to grieve alongside his family. Community is such a big part of healing. Thanks for watching and sharing!
You actually have a humorous approach to this. You already know that Black folk love to play up, "well, if the Lord decides tomorrow at 3:15 in the morning on a Tuesday to take me home . . .", more of us who's familiar with "the game" should respond, "I thought you couldn't wait to see Jesus!" At any rate, great video.
Yes, and it seems you're already hip to the game. Thanks for watching, commenting, and your kind words!
a mutual friend has passed away and the narcissist is hoovering me , contacted me via her phone, tugging at my heartstrings, not talking about the deceased, but about himself, how he's closer to his sister, stuff like that. I sense an ulterior motive yes, an opportunity to try to reconnect with me. Looking for sympathy about his own brother's passing, who he didn't see for years. If he was a normal person I would be my usual sympathetic self but I know he assumes I'm going to sympathise with him. I can see right through him now and am reluctant to show empathy, although I haven't been unkind, just brief and indifferent. The things he did and said to hurt me, I have a wall up now and any contact, I feel ill . I don't want to go backwards. Keep in touch?! with a smiley and a kiss?! I said I'm not interested and blocked him.
So sorry for your loss. And sorry for the pain you endured from the narcissist. Sounds like you know exactly who and what you're dealing with (or no longer dealing with, as the case may be). Trust your gut. Thanks for watching and sharing!
I noticed the ex narc posted funerals on social media too. Pics with different families, getting t shirts made of the deceased, pics holding the obituary while posing, videos of balloon send offs & candle light vigils. It was a good number of funerals over the years. Hes very deceptive & causes alot of trouble & confusion all while secretly living with an incurable disease himself. I didnt understand any of this stuff until after leaving him.
Sounds like a deeply troubled individual. Good thing you disconnected from the chaos and gained clarity. Thanks again for watching and sharing!
Fabulously refreshing reflections Lesley, thank you so much for sharing, have experienced this it is nauseating and down right creepy.
Hi! Thanks for your kind words and I'm happy to share. I'm sorry that happened to you. Thanks again for watching and sharing!
My mother talks about her funeral almost every time we talk. Its so bloody creepy. I got so tired of it that I told her I'm not going to her funeral.
That sounds draining and discouraging. It's hard to live, when you're hyper-focused on dying. Hope you can make time for things that light you up and make the most of your life. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Thanks for sharing; very helpful. My ex-narc took advantage of his niece's funeral to draw advantage to himself by acting the victim -- even when he has not been in touch with the deceased for years. But during the planning process, you would have imagined that he was the closest person to my cousin given the deep weeping he did, and the stories he told of the one (yes, ONE) conversation he once had with her in which he "prophetically" declared that she would become a pastor! My cousin never became a pastor!
Thanks for sharing! That’s sad and hurtful to those closest to your cousin, for him to seek attention, validation, and a one-up, during your time of grief. Sorry for your loss!
@@iamlesleycain Unfortunately, most of them are his flying monkeys so were blind to his manipulative tactics -- they did what they always did around him -- give him undivided attention :-(
My sister has been given very clear instructions if my narc brother or any of his family show up at my funeral she is to call the police and have them escorted out. He will not use my funeral as his playground to deceive people. My brother and his family have did nothing but torment me for in person and/or on social media for several years. I have cousins who thought, because of my brothers lies, I was the worst daughter in the face of the planet when my ma and dad were alive. My brother convinced all the out of town relatives I never called or talked to my ma. I finally took screenshots of my call history on my phone and proved he was lying when they saw calls almost everyday that sometimes lasted 45 or 50 minutes.
When our patriarch died, his wife excluded their own grown daughter and granddaughter and insisted their other two grown children, adult grandchildren, and a few others contact/inform their scapegoat sister of service schedule after it was over! Instead of being a good matriarch and calling/welcoming her own grown chicks back to the nest some family members could reconnect and grieve together and share as a family, she used her husband's death is a means to inflict yet another cruel exclusion to her own targeted scapegoated daughter. She's done this sort of stuff as long as we can remember but no one will call her on it because they're afraid of her and don't want to join the scapegoat on the second-class citizen list.
Sorry for your family's loss. You understand the importance of community in the healing process. It's sad that the matriarch does not; and that her scapegoating behavior is being enabled by other family members. Thanks for watching and sharing!
@@iamlesleycain Thank you for your kind response. The exclusion has been really really hard. 😿
The malignant narcissist I divorced opportunistically used my parents funerals and other crisis that had happened to his advantage to garner empathy and sympathy for himself . Yet behind the scenes he was yelling at my kids and I to “get over it”, “ you’re still bringing this up about them “when we were mourning .He would mock and belittle my son for crying at my Mom’s funeral.He intentionally started fights with me and my kids before, during, and after my parents funerals .
I will never forget him antagonizing a fight with me complaining constantly over how he was to be entertained and fed ..as if he was on a vacation
While I was being dropped in the parking lot left all alone outside the funeral home to make arrangements and view my mom for the first time .He abandoned my sons and I to drive the 12 hours back home for him to fly off on his vacation he yelled at me and got my son to do the same while mourning my mom that whole week that he wasn’t changing his plans to be there for me when I needed the most support
Sorry for your losses! Sounds like your ex engaged in some cowardly, sick, sad behavior. Thanks for watching and sharing!
They’re so horrible
Wishing u a full and speedy recovery new subscriber ❤️
when my spouse went to that mom's funeral, since she had planned for her funeral she told the minister she was a widow. To say she was a widow to her husband. But she had divorced him years earlier (she was not a widow she was not married to him at his death) because she felt abandoned and she had to step up to the plate when he was sick and committed to a hospital for the rest of his life (medical mistake). During that time she brought in many new men to some detrimental to the large family. It destroyed the family. People understood that she was not a widow, that she was 'that's just mom'. But the impression was given she was a widow and when the minister was confronted, he said, well, that was what she said. It was infuriating to my spouse.
Lesley, you are a lovely person, hope you're fully recovered from your accident. Ugh, I'm no contact with 87 yr old narc mother for 5 years. We're from a small town. I've already decided I would not attend mother's funeral when it's time, for this very reason. Narc Ex husband will surely be there seeking supply and making himself look good and reaffirming to everyone that I'm the bad person. We were married 31 yrs and he always hated my mother, yet, he'll show up looking like the "good & caring guy." Phony & hypocrite to the MAX. I won't expose myself to this.
Thanks so much for your kind words and well wishes! I've recovered from my accident. Sounds like you have a solid plan for your mom's funeral. You have to protect your self and protect your health! Thanks for watching and commenting!
@@iamlesleycain Blessings and keep up your good work. 💓
@@t200b-i7k Will do. What other topics would you like for me to address? What would be most helpful to you?
Narcs attend funerals of those they disliked.
@@dontbelongherefromanother Great insight. Thanks for watching and commenting!
Thank you.I really,REALLY,appreciate it as I just received a photo of my flying monkey father at UCLA Hospital being embraced by narcissistic mother. It almost looked staged so to squeeze every ounce of emotional response to feed her narcissistic supply. My first cousin sent it to me of whom I've tried to explain this situation which is incomprehensible to him and I finally gave up. With the photograph my cousin said he's in the hospital but he didn't say he was dying though that was the implication from the photo. The last time I had any contact with that family after six years of going no contact was my father's showing up at my house and becoming threatening when I wouldn't allow him in. Now this. My first thought was no way am I walking into that emotional minefield of visiting him in the hospital and probably running into my total narcissistic Golden Child brother to abuse me and my narc mother to play the victim after all the withholding of any love & affection from me my whole life. I simply responded that I will pray for him. I hate to say it but I'm going to be glad when they both pass so all this drama will finally be over with.Knowing my super Catholic mother though she would seek attention from me even from the grave if she could. Thank you so much for your channel. have just subscribed to it and God bless you.
Hi, and welcome! Sounds like you've been dealing with messy narcissistic family behavior over the years. And it sounds like you've found some much-needed validation here. As difficult and counter-intuitive as it may seem, sometimes you have to love them from a distance and maintain your boundaries, for the sake of your health and wellbeing. Thanks for watching, sharing, and subscribing!
My husband played meet and greet reunion smiles celebration snd wanted to be honored by my family for helping out, welcoming all the friends and family, while my siblings were all grief stucken over my sisters death bc her husband signed a dnr and dni on my sister at 53 yrs old. My husband said, what can i say, he was her next of kin.
So sorry that happened to you and your siblings. And sorry for your loss. Thanks for watching and sharing!
I am experiencing a power move via a funeral now. The narcissist was my best friend who I cut out 10 years ago. I grew up and have been close with her entire family but was especially close with her brother who just died. She messaged me to tell me that she knew I would want to know about his passing. I didn’t respond but other family members asked me for photos because they didn’t have much. As soon as I give the photos over via online, a box popped up asking for my memory of the deceased. I very carefully wrote my memory. I then received another message from the narcissist saying that I should have wrote “Sorry for your loss”, to not attend the service, and ending with “thanks for reminding me why I haven’t spoken to you in 10 years.” Even though I didn’t speak with the narcissist, they were manipulating my emotions to get what they wanted and then trying to cut me off afterwards. I just received messages from many people who have repeatedly said that I should be there but I don’t want to give them any more options to maneuver. It’s truly sad and sick.
Sorry for your loss. Sounds like you're offering support, while maintaining your sanity. And your gestures seem well-received by the majority. Seems like your ex-bestie is trying to leverage this loss, in a petty attempt to feel better since you cut her off. So sad to feel conflicted over paying respects in person, due to someone else's toxic behavior. Ultimately, you have to make a decision that you can live with. Thanks for watching and commenting!
I"m sorry for your loss. I was cut out of my son's life & death (Parental alienation by narcissistic relatives). I held my own tribute and avoided theirs.
Indeed, they do. These controllers want to execute the event as a stage show. To magnify everything to optimize their supply. And they love it. Controlling the relationship even more. It's comical and sad. All fake.
So inappropriate, and potentially disruptive to others' ability to be present and process their own feelings. Thanks for watching and commenting!
Your videos are really insightful. Thank you for this one. Right on target. I hope you are feeling much better since the concussion you suffered.
Thanks so much for watching, and your feedback! I have a lifetime of experience with this type of behavior. And I’m doing much better post-concussion. Thanks again!
One time my gran made me go to a funeral with her for a friend of her i didnt know and it was awkward. Im never going to any funerals. Cause i hate funerals
Sounds awkward; and sounds like you've set a boundary as a result. Thanks for watching and sharing!
@@iamlesleycain yeah its not like they give a damn though.
I have consistently dodge my mother and my sisters, every time there’s a funeral.
They want to make contact with me at funerals, because they know I will not acknowledge them, and they want other people to see me snub them so that way everyone sees it and they can add it to their smear campaign against me for being a bad son, brother because I went no contact.
So now, every time I hear about someone dying, I cringe because I know I have to attend that funeral.
Each time it gets harder, and it seems like they try to find different ways to corner me each funeral.
If anyone can advise me of what to do, because I am at a loss …
I'm so sorry that has happened to you. You can't even grieve in peace. Narcissists are all about appearances, and funerals provide opportunities to manipulate people and wreak havoc in relationships. Sounds like you may need to find other ways to honor the deceased and protect your peace. Thanks for watching and sharing!
❤❤❤❤❤
My ex narc girlfriend talked about her ex husband who killed himself and that supposedly beat her up regularly. She said that she cried at the funeral the most of all people and that it was because she felt relief that he's gone. After I dumped her for cheating on me and lying for months, she accused me of the same thing, although I never hit her. I did slap her a few times, as a response to her slapping me. She used to slap me whenever she got angry, which was often.
Narcissists often lack maturity and the ability to regulate their emotions. They resort to lying, cheating, manipulation, and physical violence, in order to control their environment and others. Glad you saw her true colors and disconnected from her, so that you can focus on your health and wellbeing. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Yes, the hoovering, but as important...forced contact.
Great point. And as a survivor, you have voice and choice. Thanks for watching and sharing!
My narc mum tell my big lie abaut my Sister cos she is very sick for hoover my but y keep garde hight & y d ont belive is nt true.
Same my narc mum did next year surely y died y luke t him😮 umbelivle what tactic for manipule 😂.
Yah my gramma has been complaining for 40 years about how bad she feels and how she wishes Jesus would come get her. Every time you talk to her she has to moan through a list of her aches and pains which drives the family crazy. Always saying how she wishes Jesus would just come get her. Her impact on all of us has been negative.
I ended up having an NDE(near death experience). I was taken to Hell, because I had a real issue with unforgiveness. BUT while I was there Jesus showed me relatives that were on their way to Hell too.
When I came back I had to go to each person I'd seen and tell them, so I eventually ended up at gramma's house. We sat together in the back yard. The edge of the back yard is lined with a forest behind it. I was starting to get through to her when I saw in the trees directly ahead..Jesus appearing in the forest with a choir of angels. I knew that if she just looked up she would see Him too and He would take her to heaven right then, but the phone rang before I could say, 'gramma look'. She was in a heated argument with the neighbor and knew it was her calling. She jumped up, ran in the house & I watched Jesus disappear with His angels. She'd missed it. I couldn't bring myself to tell her.
The only time my family gathers is for funerals like buzzards. They say things like, 'When I die no one is allowed at my funeral". Now ...I understand what Jesus meant fully when He say 'let the dead bury the dead'. I won't be attending anymore family funerals; especially now that I can see them still right after they die. A gift I received after my NDE. Sometimes they get dragged to Hell in my presence and I'm just not in the mood for that.
The aches, pains, and complaining can literally go on for decades and become part of a toxic lifestyle; and you can't unsee through it. Sounds like you've set a firm boundary, when it comes to funerals. Thanks for watching and commenting!
@@iamlesleycain Yep. The other side is real and narcissism is demonic. Real bad deal. People don't realize ..this isn't a game. Well it was nice talkin to ya. Have good one.
"If the Lord says the same." That statement makes me cringe every time I hear it, probably because those most prone to say it are emotional charlatans.
So cringey and manipulative. And family can serve it up with all the trimmings. Thanks for watching and commenting!
Wow really this is what u have to say u used people family being sure to honor my father's name
7
Thanks for watching!
Narcissistic father left me out of his will. My heart broke 2x! Yet, I had a sense of relief that I don't have to put up with the everyday b.s. That feeling he can't hurt me ever again is sweet and free. At times it feels great. Then sad, because he didn't have to be that way!!!! Still in the healing process! One day, one week at a time.
Sorry for your loss(es)! It's sad that they don't value the relationship, and use their wills to control and manipulate after they're gone. Enjoy your freedom and peace. They're priceless!
@The mysterious Miss X Sorry for your loss!
Same story about my dad, he died a couple days ago and I'm free from his hatred towards me.
@@PapayaPepper202 Sorry for your loss. Glad you’re finally free.
Losing your dad was not a loss, it was a win for you. You now have the RIGHT to heal and you will. The memory will never go away but in time,
I believe, it will hurt less and less. For me it's taking over 12 years, but I'm a long way from whence I came so I'm happy for the progress. It's
having them out of your life that makes it happen easier. Good luck and keep the faith.
Even though they are not close to the dead relative, they would cry the loudest, be the most active one at the funeral. People would say, Wow! She really loved her uncle. When he was alive and in desperate need of help she was not there for him although he has no wife and children.
Yes. Perception is everything to narcissists. And they'll resort to all kinds of theatrics at funerals, in an effort to get their needs met. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Funerals always come up instead of apologies.
Sad but true. Few people will question a funeral, especially these past couple of years. And most people would get caught up emotionally and not consider the possibility of it being used as a way to get attention, ghost, hoover, etc. Thanks for watching and commenting!
Hi just clicked on this so fast . My ex husband always , constantly went to funerals . He must have went to over 500 . No joke . On his own . I thought he actually got a kick out of people being dead in a coffin. The amount of funerals he went to was unreal . I thought maybe he got a kick out of someone being sad . These people that died he hardly knew them 🙄weird
Not surprised, they like witnessing others in pain. It makes them feel better
Attending funerals is a way to pat themselves on the back as a 'do-gooder'. Won't show up in life to offer substantial support, but funerals allow them to pretend to be empathic. They don't have to open their mouth with anything of substance, they just get to be seen by others in attendance.
Professional mourner!
I have a friend like that, but she likes funerals for known people.
I cannot believe this video popped up. This is exactly what happened to me. My mother-in-law died. Narc sister and her husband came to the wake. We greeted them, briefly talked to them. They went and saw other family members and sat down. I was busy greeting 100 other people in the room. My son saw my sister start crying and said she'd left the funeral home. No idea why. Fast forward less than 4 months later. My father-in-law dies. They'd been married 73 years. My sister sends my husband a text the day before he is to bury his dad saying, Sorry, we won't be there because of the way your wife treated us at your mom's funeral. It was unbelievable. We were in the throes of planning the funeral with all that entails, dealing with family, and my sister somehow made my FIL's funeral about HER. I even asked my sons what I did when I heard about the text. They were at a loss as well. I found the whole thing petty and completely disrespectful to my husband. Typical narcissistic behavior. Sad and pitiable.
I'm sorry for your losses; and I'm sorry that you had to deal with this petty, immature behavior during your time of loss. Thanks for watching and sharing!
My ex-narc told me "I love funerals"!
What an odd thing to say. Thanks for watching and commenting!
At least that person was honest. It’s disturbing but that statement leaves you no room for doubt!
They use funerals to divert attention to themselves
Yes! It's sooo inappropriate and sad! Thanks for watching and sharing!
Hey I know I’m a little late to this video but I have a question. How should someone handle a Hoover at a funeral? I’m worried that when my grandmother passes I will be hoovered by my Nm whom I’m no contact with (almost a year now). She is notorious for making funerals about her self. She’s always the most affected person by another’s death and will go as far as fake passing out or hysterically crying or even starting arguments. I can just see it now. Her coming to me in tears about her late mother and causing the biggest uproar if I don’t coddle her in public. I will be demonized for not being there for her in her time of need. I have no desire to comfort a soulless women though. It wouldn’t even be comforting, it would just be a hit of supply and that would make me feel dirty and used all over again. Any advice would be so appreciated ❤️
Thanks for watching and commenting! It's not too late. Congratulations on no contact. Sounds like you understand who and what you're dealing with. While we can't predict or worry about future events, we can live in the present and set firm boundaries around our attendance and interactions with others. Focused therapy sessions around major events can be helpful too. Have you watched my videos on "Narcissists Will Try to Sabotage Your Special Occasion?"
I don't know if you can 'delay the memorial" and thus keep the date out of the obituary pages and have a smaller event. ... I was cut out of my son's life & death (Parental alienation by narcissistic relatives). I held my own tribute and avoided theirs. My son ended up with three tributes. On two sides of the country.
Thanks for putting this out there & sharing your personal experience
You're welcome! Thanks for watching and commenting!
My brother is very ill and I absolutely dread his funeral. My own sister ruined my marriage, with my greedy ex husband, who allowed her behavior. Being around those people will be hell. I moved 1300 miles to keep away from them and the thought of going around them again. Ugh.
I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you. Sounds like you're dreading having to deal with toxicity under the circumstances. Time to set your boundaries to protect your health and wellbeing. Check out my videos on protecting your peace, dealing with narcissistic family, and boundaries. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Thank you, I am trying to understand my daughter's mother and this is very helpful. We both attended a funeral yesterday too. I hope you have recovered and are okay now. God bless.
I went no contact with a narcissistic friend whose husband passed in June and the memorial service is in September. A mutual friend told me, but I don't want to go. After watching this video, I know the narc is going to be the center of attention. Is it wrong not to go?
Hi! Sounds like you no longer consider your grieving "friend" a friend. And yes, narcissists will use funerals to get supply. Seems like you don't want to go, but feel guilty about it. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to attend; and you're free to do as you like. So, whether you attend with strong boundaries in place, or decline to go at all, you have to make a decision that you can live with. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Using them to insult people.
Yep. Narcissists will take any opportunity to get a dig in. Thanks for watching and commenting!
my grandma’s memorial service is coming up and im/we’re already bracing for my aunt’s behavior. she saw my grandma while she was in hospice shortly before she passed and that was the first time she saw her in 6 years (me pointing that out in an open heart moment and her completely irrational tantrum reaction to that, is what even led us to realize she has npd when we subsequently fell down a rabbit hole of articles on narcissism). of course all of the planning has fallen upon my mom’s and my shoulders (which we’re fine with tbh bc less drama) although she pouted about making sure she was included in the memorial service planning while she visited. it’s really evident she’s been on a high from all the attention since my grandma passed, it’s sad. we already know she’s going to make herself seem like the most compassionate daughter ever although the truth is when my grandma first became sick my cousin (her adult son who wanted to visit) told me she said she wasn’t sure if it would be “worth it” to visit my grandma/her mother not to mention she treated my grandma poorly over the years….. but yeah of course she’s a singer and is going to sing a song at the service 😄 I really am trying to figure out how to stay centered next week because I don’t want my aunt’s shenanigans and downright coldness to take away from the fact that next weekend will be about celebrating the beautiful human my grandmother was. seeing people online who’ve been through this is proving comforting so thank you!
Hi, Shalenah. You're not alone. And I'm so sorry for your loss. Sounds like you're a truth-teller, who is very fond of her grandma. I'm sure you and your mom will pour your hearts into honoring her memory with a beautiful service. Practice lots of self care during this difficult time. Thanks for watching and sharing!
@@iamlesleycain Hi Lesley, thank you for your words and compassion. They remind me that it's most important to focus on the positive side and what we can control. I'll make sure to practice lots of self-care! All the best to you :)
Thanks for sharing this! I have family members who love to just pop up at a funeral and make all about them...
You're welcome! It's sad when family members act so selfishly around funerals. Zero self-awareness or respect for the deceased; and no shame. Thanks for watching and sharing!
Wow the same thing happened to me. I got punched in my eye broke my eye socket got surgery next im going to my concussion therspy
Thanks for watching and sharing. I'm so sorry that happened to you! To clarify, my black eye and concussion were from a biking accident (see my video "Walking Wounded" for details), not physical abuse. Wishing you complete healing and a speedy recovery!
Indeed, it was the final hoover move, the tears turned so quick into an erection, I was disgusted and knew never to believe that demon again. So foul to behave in such a manner
So sick and sad! Glad you didn't buy the lie. Thanks for watching and commenting!
My husband’s brother died 1 1/2 years ago and we are just having the wake today and tomorrow the funeral. He was cremated. My husband is so excited and wants a big funeral. I think at this point it should be close family. He has already started practicing crying, he loves the attention! Now I have to sit next to him a hold his hand when he is balling his eyes out! Eye roll!!!
Sorry for your loss. And wow! That has to be hard/awkward to watch. Any kind of attention will do for the narcissist! Thanks for watching and sharing!
My father in law was an abusive malignant narcissist, his wife was a narcissist and his enabler...when the father in law died. My mother in law treated it as a social event...she was flitting from person to person, chatting, smiling...i never saw a tear at all. I would have thought it was some sort of party, not a funeral. So she really used it for supply and the ability to be the center of attention, she wanted to be seen!!
I think she was glad the husband passed so she could be who she wanted to be and have the spotlight to herself.
"...She wanted to be seen..." At a funeral. Sad on so many levels. Sorry you experienced that; and sorry for your loss. Thanks for watching and sharing!
I saw that when my brother passed away. My mom would be the life of party. I thought it was a way of dissociation to not feel the pain
Even if it’s your own funeral? Being if you are the one that has been estranged with zero reason? Then when we hang ourselves, they still blame us.
It’s almost to that point
Hi! I'm so sorry, if that's happened or is currently happening to you. Narcissistic families are traumatized individuals drowning in a toxic cesspool of hurt, where no one can help anyone else. But they sure can hurt everyone else, including themselves. In my experience, and regardless of the nature of the relationship, narcissists will use *any* funeral as an opportunity to get their needs met - no matter who or how it hurts. I hope that you prioritize your health and wellbeing on your healing journey. Thanks for watching and sharing!
My family was amazing. They were just kind and generous people. Because of this, they were fairly well known. Devastatingly I lost them. My narcissist, ex who trashed every one of them wanted to be with me and sit with me at the funeral just because he knew there would be thousands of people there who would be looking at me, as the only survivor. He used my horrific tragedy as a means as attention. Only a monster could manipulate a persons worst moment.
Sorry for your loss. Yes, narcissists will cause, or use, a tragedy for attention; and they will position themselves for maximum exposure, at the expense of others. Thanks for watching and sharing.
What you describe seems like opportunistic pretend grief to run a game. Your relative was shamelessly working the room, so to speak. That had to be hard to see, when you were there trying to grieve the loss if your loved one! I'm sorry for your loss. Hope you and your mom are well.
Thank you! Narcissistic families do a lot of "rug sweeping." As a result, deeply-rooted generational trauma goes undealt with. So, funerals and other occasions can be extremely messy, where misplaced emotions and manipulative mourning are present. Thanks for watching and commenting!
What about a narcissist who drives their husband to kill themself, and then uses the funeral to excuse their sexual addiction behavior? My Narc ex did that. It makes me sick.
Hi! And yikes! That's terrible. Narcissists will do anything to avoid taking personal responsibility for their behavior. Glad you got out of that toxic relationship safely. Thanks for watching and sharing!
It took a while for you to get to the point. My thoughts on attending this funeral for my younger sister (suicide by alcohol), my older narcissist
will, I am sure be looking for supply. My plan will be to attend the funeral, talk to the widower and not go to the after event at my nacissists house.
My hubby and I will got to the beach and play. I am only going to the funeral for my brother in law and his kids. I have NO PLANS on talking to her
at all, told my hubby to get in her way if she approaches me.
Hi! Thanks for your feedback. My concussion probably didn't help. Sorry for your loss. Sounds like you've got a solid plan for protecting your peace around this untimely event. And play is very healing for trauma survivors. Take care, and thanks for watching and sharing!
@@iamlesleycain Thank you right back. I pray for your complete recovery, you have a beautiful face.
Leslie, can I ask you a direct question? Here goes. My narc sister, I believe also had Munchausen Syndrome based on what she put
my elderly mother through. She would take her to doctors other then her own and have more test done which included blood draws in her
hands which was extremely painful for her. Her personal doctor was furious when she took my mother to Scripps Hospital in San Diego, they
ran a ton of tests, meaning more needles, and they put her on meds her own doctor had taken her off of. Then my sister would brag about it.
My mother would tell me, "I'm tired of being a lab experiment". I felt so helpless to physically stop this. I yelled and screamed at her to stop with
the experiments and she kept doing it to my mother. I believe there's a connection to her other mental illness, she HAD to do this to my mother.
What are your thoughts please.
I'm so sorry this happened to you and your mother. What do you know about ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)? I'm not a clinician. But, based on my research, Munchausen Syndrome has been linked to childhood trauma, like many other mental illnesses, chronic health issues, and substance abuse. 💚
@@iamlesleycain What made her a narcissist? I had never heard of ACEs, It could be suspect because my sister would spend many hours in my parents bedroom alone with my dad, I always wondered what was going on (even being in my pre-teens), but then, again, my dad molested me when I was three, but it didn't mess me up. I survived My sister, in later years, went to a therapist and eventually slept with her husband. How messed up is that? But thank you, it does put my focus on a possible cause. My sister was the princess.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. If you'd like, you can email: support@lesleycain.com and I can send you some information that can shed more light on ACEs and their impact on health and wellbeing. 💚
@@iamlesleycain Thank you, I will take you up on that offer.
They can also use it to sew discord and drama. It’s not a good way to get attention during a time like this but they’ll do it.
By stirring all of that up, others that aren’t physically present can then complain about the “trouble” at the funeral or after funeral so they can make sure they are included. Instead of sending condolences or a card.
To me, it seems like an attempt to make sure some focus is upon them (instead of honoring the life of the person who has passed on).
This same situation can also come into play when someone is sick, having surgery, that really has nothing or little to do with them. So, the set out to insert themselves and make it about them.
I’ve seen the sympathy garnering (in my bio family) ,credit taking and distaste for anyone but them having any emotion of their own when a loved one passes.
The only positive is: the person behaving in these ways show their true character and everyone around them can see it (and hopefully take note).
Great insights! Thanks for watching and commenting!