“Do I go to parents funeral?” [obligation & guilt for the family scapegoat]
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- Опубліковано 15 лис 2022
- Answering one of your Q's. What if you're no contact and the dying parent wants 'closure'? & "Do I go to the funeral?" How to handle the pressure, obligation, stress and guilt that comes with this.
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A funeral is to pay respects to the deceased. If they didn't respect you then there's is no point in going.
Respect yourself and don't put yourself in an uncomfortable and even triggering situation.
It's not worth it.
My sentiments exactly, thanks for sharing.
That’s a healthy approach.
My mom used to impress on me and my sisters that a funeral is to support the family of the deceased, not to pay respects to the deceased.
I went no contact with my parents about 3 years ago. My siblings all either outrate fight me over it, or choose to not talk about it but still obviously harbor ill feelings towards me.
There's a lot of trauma we all had to deal with, and I'm the only one who said "I'm done" and walked away. I pray they can do that, too... I told my sisters I'm not going to any funeral, unless both my parents are dead. They didn't like that. All of my sister's trauma issues are sad, and I hope and pray they can get to a point where they can see where that trauma came from so they can actually heal from it. They refuse to talk to me about it.
@TheRealMonnie I replied to you but this stupid platform sucks with censorship.
I went to both parents funerals and totally regret it. Horrible experience dealing with familial flying monkeys. Save yourself the misery.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. After reading all these insightful comments I won’t go to either of mine. Too risky
I’m in a situation right now and I don’t want to go
Thanks for sharing your experience. My family members are still alive but I thought about what I would do. It's time to love myself.
So true.
I did not go to my mom's and will not go to my dad's. My family taunted me. I literally had to get protection orders. Come to find out, they were planning on beating me up.
I didn't go to my mother's, because I didn't think I'd be able to take people saying nice things about her.
I don't regret it.
Yeah I don't blame you. Those duped people don't know they are praising a mask.
You are one tough honest cookie. As a child I was always traumatised by mother's day. Not one MD card told the truth and neither could I.
Look within poor child. Maybe it is actually YOU
I know exactly how u feel literally. I have no bond w my mother at all but have 2 sisters that do. All 3 r absolutely toxic. My mother has had more than one chance to make things right but will deny knowing anything. I know better. I have no bonds w them at all. Not interested in going, not at all bothered by that, I feel nothing for any of them
That's a terrible thing to say to somebody traumatized by their own mother. Maybe it's people like YOU that normalize this trauma and torture innocent people over it! @@dessiecoder2116
My husband has no contact with his family for years. When his mom died we chose to attend the funeral, but we showed up 5 mins after it began, sat in the back, and left during the closing prayer so we didn't have any interaction with anyone. This allowed my husband the closure without the drama.
That is a great idea! I have stressed over what to do. My Mom is 87. Low contact with Mom, rarely contact siblings.
Wow, wisdom
No one can throw in his dish that he did not attend his mother's funeral.
Good move.
I did that when grandmother passed...
IMHO and experience, the siblings take over where the parents left off. It’s unspeakably horrific.
Very true
Very true! Toxic snakes who you will not the see the true colours of until too much damage is done. They play flying monkeys, they revel in the drama and your put down by the narcissistic family. Then they take over where parents left off. It’s been a betrayal of immense magnitude.
@@msredcurtains couldn’t have said it better. It’s heartbreaking
This is why I came here. My Mom came home in ashes today. My sister, the golden child who lived close and was the epitome of the golden child. My brother is also...but lived far. I am the scapegoat all the way. I don't want to go.
😢😢 yes
I skipped 2 grandparent funerals to avoid my parents. My family understood. They witnessed the vile behavior from my parents for years and agreed I should do my own celebration of life. I had a wreath made for my grandma and sent it out into the Pacific Ocean, then stopped at a local restaurant and enjoyed her favorite cocktail by the sea. Cried a bit. I know she saw it and appreciated it. It was nice.
I did not attend my parents' funerals on the advice of my physician and my counselor. My beloved sister chose to go on behalf of both of us as she is a tough woman. I received phone calls after each funeral from my sister detailing the awful vicious behavior of the family & relatives. She told me the funerals were "worse than your worst nightmares", and I should not feel guilty for not attending.
Nice sister.
Wow
I didn’t go to my parents funeral either. I have zero guilt, and sadly I still have to expend energy daily to manage my anger. Trying to let go, yet it always seems to pop up in my head. I guess when people interfere with your growth during that irreversible time of child development, it leaves very very deep scars. I hope everyone who suffered at the hands of these poorly developed souls called family members, can rise above and conquer their own demons
@@oooof6861 I was angry for longer than I care to admit. It helped me protect myself without guilt. But I wish I could have done that much, and then moved on. I think I was too angry for too long. My abusers were human beings doing what they knew how to do, to look after their own interests. And I would rather have been a victim than an abuser myself.
Not going to my aunt's when the time comes soon. She's always been the most toxic and I'm the only child of deceased parents. She took full advantage of me taking her calls again after a bad injury, wrecked my life with bad advice and contant monitoring me, an adult, to a point I'll never recover from fully financially, but I'm free again and would rather go to a stranger's funeral than put up with so called cousin's nonsense added. Done with all of them.
My mother died in 2009, well before I understood anything about the dynamics of being the scapegoat of the family.
My gut feeling was not to attend the funeral, so I didn't.
There is a part of me that has felt guilty about that choice ever since, but this video has set me free from that guilt.
God bless you!
Carolyn, delighted to hear this 👏🎉👏
You did well.
🙏 I deeply honour the wise guru within you. Trusting that is in your best interest!
@danicali No. That provides ammunition and reinforces their false narrative. For our own self respect, it's best to conduct oneself always in a manner that is beyond reproach, as this significantly reduces confusion, manipulation, susceptibility to blame shifting, etc
What situations made you the scapegoat of the family?
These videos are so validating in a society that believes blood is thicker than water. Thank you so much ❤
Blood is thicker…….so what😂😂😂.
I hate that saying. Its always from toxic families
They even twisted that its "the Blood of the Covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" Jesus exposed toxicity, whom the Son sets free is free indeed 🎯
I am the family scapegoat.
I was treated like shit at my mother’s funeral. I wish I had not gone. I have bad memories of how I was treated by the rest of the family at the funeral.
so sorry to hear that. the way I see it is the people who believe the abuser and join in the slander, gossip and abuse are not people I want in my life anyway. they are in the same evil club! seems that no contact is the freedom I have always sought deep down.
My sympathies
Me too
So sorry you deserve way better
Me too. My narcissistic mother just died. And my brother already been accusing me of being a nasty attacker towards my mother and I told him off and then next day he was super nice and loving and inviting me to funeral. This is a brother I haven't even spoken to in over 10 years. I can't trust how he flipped on a dime and then is all nice to me and is like I hope you come to funeral. What is that? My body says, NO. It feels sick
No stay away from funeral you'll just hear all the lies about what a 'wonderful' person they were ( the public mask that most people see). You will just get upset, It is the ultimate day of gaslighting that you will ever experience. Best to just go somewhere ( green space, church or somewhere) . Have a conversation with the deceased and tell them you forgive them for being a dickhead.( light a candle maybe) Then walk away feeling lighter.
I love this approach. Thank you.
@@suekaiser4163 Thank you, Its just a discription of what I did having made the mistake previously of going to a family funeral so I vowed to just do things differently at the next funeral..I found not going to be a better option for my wellbeing.
@@oh2887 I appreciate you taking the time to share. You saved me a lot of pain no doubt, and gave me an alternative to help give me closure and peace.💖
@@suekaiser4163 Thank you Sue, its very kind of you to say. Best wishes to you 💝
Absolutely brilliant.
One thing that amazes still is how much more empathic, understanding and thoughtful UA-cam content creators have been and can be on the subject -- certainly more than any of the nearly half-dozen therapists I've talked to. So many people shouldn't be allowed in caring profession, so many of them.
The dynamics of UA-cam videos are in no way similar to those in a therapy session.
In session you’re leading and directing, the therapist is listening responding in real time. On UA-cam you’re essentially listening to the equivalent of a college lecture. Both mediums are best used to compliment each other, for me anyway, bringing UA-cam epiphanies to therapy sessions really helps maximise the effectiveness of sessions.
One thing is for sure, this new validating knowledge and subsequent growth and liberation are great things !! 🎉🎈🎉🎈
I have a sibling who used to bully me. We have little contact. But she is now a counselor of women who have been abused. She could be a dangerous counselor….
Wow! That's crazy! 😮
I went to my father’s funeral and all but one, treated me with contempt. Suffice it to say: did not attend my mothers funeral; and it is well with my soul.
I have an interesting take on this.
I had gone non contact after four breakdowns and a diagnosis of clinical depression and was about six weeks in when I got a phone call that my alcoholic narc abuser parent was taken into hospital and was expected to die.
I relented and thought to myself I would tell a dying man what he needed to hear and send him on his way.
The 'dying' went on for a couple of days until I got a phone call from the hospital at 1.30am telling me that my father was agitated and desperately wanted to see me.
I go to the hospital thinking I was doing the right thing and sat and took an endless stream of abuse for about an hour. It got so bad the nurses had to sedate him.
That was the last time I seen him as I went back to full no contact. That was three months ago and he is still in hospital and death is definitely imminent.
I won't be going to any funeral because if someone came up to me and said what a fine man he was I would probably be inclined to punch them in the mouth.
Also If I got the silent treatment or questioned I know I would fly off the handle as someone is going to be on the pointy end of all that stored up anger and resentment.
If there is an closure to be found it is going to be mine and that doesn't include being a hypocrite and going to the funeral of someone I despise.
Your confident in your decision. Good for you.
I'm sorry you went through that. My father had that agitation at the end of his life too, only he wasn't abusive during it, thankfully. But it was still utterly shocking and not something I was prepared for. I can only imagine how traumatic it was what happened to you. That shit actually has a name. It's called 'terminal agitation' and it would be seriously helpful if nurses would inform us of such horror. My mother was a geriatric nurse and she never said a word about it being a possibility. Messed up.
@@wordivore My narc father even abused the nurse at the end of his life. He screamed and dictated what she should do, the poor girl said to me please can you stay during the night cos I'm afraid of him. I truly believe you die the way you lived your life, I can't imagine that I would harm someone in any form in my last days.
The woman talked about at my mother’s funeral was unrecognisable to me and my brother. Apparently she was a fun and wonderful mother. Also we were blocked from being in the family seats by everyone who drank with her and contributed to her death of multiple organ failure just pushing in. My brother ordered a taxi and pulled me out of the service and into it halfway through. The driver asked us where to go and my bro just said “start driving, we’ll decide in a minute.” I fucking adore him.
I’m so sorry you had to experience that.
My cousin asked me how I would feel being my mom is getting up in age. I replied, “they’re the ones to cast me out of the family and I’m coming terms to that and making peace while people are alive so I don’t have to attend for any closure. I’ve done my work already”.
love that Kate.
Does anyone ask the scapegoat child how they feel when they've been subjected to horrific abuse throughout childhood (might be a more relevant question for people to be asking)
@@scapegoatchildrecovery I love my cousin. Her and I are around the same age, were pen pals when we were little, but I don’t think she realizes just how bad it really was. I mean, that’s her auntie, her mom’s sister. And that’s why, I think, people don’t ask, because they don’t want to hear the real, gut wrenching answer and “pop” their bubble of what they think about the abuser. With that said, I so agree with you. They should. Guess us scapegoats are going to have to “lead by example”. Show people how it’s done. Thanks so much for your comment, Mary. Much appreciate it.
Love it!
Exactly! Closure is something you give YOURSELF - often after years of tiresome inner work. The perpetrators of the abuse, much less extended family deserve nothing from you.
@@katemitchell665 They have chosen the lie over the truth. And Jesus will cast them away when the time comes.
The three groups who attend a narcissist's funeral are: (a) empaths who were abused by them and feel guilt, (b) the new supply who have no clue as to the decedent's personality disorder and (c) those who accepted their abuse in order to receive an inheritance.
THIS exactly describes the experience. And C is absolutely correct 😂. I was low contact before my father’s funeral and now I am full no contact with lawyers and legal authorities protecting me from my mother and brainwashed siblings. Little do the siblings want to believe, despite evidence, mother stole millions from us rightful heirs and my father. She is holding on to this money to maintain control. Without that, she has nothing else to offer to these people who ‘care’ for her. Everyone is only waiting on a payout. Everything about that family is fake, superficial and run by money. Thank god I am financially independent.
Plus the golden child and the flying monkeys.
C is true, but found out I was cut out years prior!! Really hurt. But on sone level I felt vindicated, like yes this happened my whole life, and here’s proof… I wasn’t just being sensitive and gave ‘anger’ issues.
Agreed! I no longer fit into any of those categories. I cut ties w my mother & 2 sisters for good reason. I will not go to any of their funerals cuz I washed my hands of them long ago
I was low contact before attending my father’s funeral. I am now full no contact with legal authorities protecting me. That should tell you what could happen to you too.
I did not go to the funeral of either parent. I was helped with that decision because they died during the pandemic: Feb 2020, and Jan 2021. I was also helped because one of my siblings was willing to organise the funerals.
Don’t be guilt-tripped into doing anything you don’t want to. Making you feel guilty is another way of manipulating and abusing you. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. You do not have to justify or explain them to anyone.
Well said. Thank you.
I was 18 years old when my mother passed away, and me being already gone from home, did go to the funeral to support my father. I was approached by an angry "friend" of my mother blaming me for her death. Imagine... Little did she know how my mother really was...
So, I would remind everyone to really think about going or not. Everything can happen when people are "mourning" and or grieving.
I made this mistake after 20 years no contact. They tracked me down and pleaded I attend the funeral of sociopathic father. Unfortunately I was vilified abused belittled humiliated. In between doing those heinous things to me they were crying and beating their breasts in grief. One of the family members who sexually abused me for 16 years tried to force me into a corner to sexually assault me in front of my friend I took with me. My friend was in severe shock at witnessing this. I was believed then.
I had a breakdown after this. Please don't make my mistake.
Those monsters never change. They do not grow and are incapable of introspection.
So wise of you to have taken a friend!!!
Thank you for validating my experience. I was low contact with my mother for the years she had cancer in her eighties because being with her set my mental health progress back for weeks after every encounter, just as you said. Days before she died, I went to see her and as I was leaving I said goodbye for the last time. “I love you, Mom,” I told her. She lifted up her chin in the regal way she had and refused to say I love you back. She died a few days later and when the funeral came around I stayed home and held my own little service. I did pay a price for my decision socially, a big price. But caring for my mistreated inner child rather than prioritizing the good opinions of others was a big step for me that strengthened me to face other obstacles in my life. I have never regretted my decision. When I later learned that my mother had punished me by cutting me out of her will, I was devastated, but also validated in knowing that I truly had been the Family Scapegoat. I so appreciate these videos which remind me that I am not alone in all this. Thank you again. 💜
Thanks for sharing. I love that you held your own little service. 🌺
@@scapegoatchildrecovery , it felt really good and my cousin and his wife came by after the funeral and spent the afternoon with me. They told me that it was a terrible service, which lightened my day a bit.
Thank you for your support. It means so much to so many of us. 💜
I was also cut out of the will. But not having to be around her cruelty the last years was like literally
being "delivered out of Egypt". BTW, of course God knows all and sees all. Psalm 91 became my greatest source of comfort.
@@lynnbrock1485 , sorry to hear about you being cut out. It hurts so much. Hugs. 💜
I was also cut out. My siblings knew this for 10 yrs. And didn’t disclose to me. I helped organize the service for my mother and was the good daughter and then got kicked in the face. Everything that happened after finding out I was disowned made sense. They played the game very well, I am no contact now.
It depends on the level of abuse and betrayal. I wouldn't go to my parents funeral (they're still alive). My highly educated and respected by society parents who never drank alcohol or used vulgar words, tortured me both physically and mentally. My brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat of the family. She would find relief only when I received beating from my father. She would do anything she could to maintain drama at home and all the anger was always directed at me because I was always the one to blame for EVERYTHING that happened in this God forsaken home. He would, at times, beat me up so hard I ones had my nose broken. He would also kick me when I was on the floor. She found an almost sexual pleasure when he did that. I remember one beating when she was sitting in an armchair and he was beating me in front of her. She didn't even move or blink her eye. Pure psychopathy. Fun fact - she was a psychologist (!). That's why I felt so isolated and NEVER trusted, but always very eagerly blamed for anything and everything. "What is wrong with her, her parents are so wonderful, her mother is an angel. Poor people, to have a daughter like that, what did they do to deserve it?'. The society didn't understand and accept the rebelling teens 30 years ago. It was never the parents' fault. I'd run away from home many a time and hang with the wrong crowd. My mother hated me from the start, but I think she hated my father, too. They didn't talk at all, communicating only when the punishment had to be performed. I remember, as a child I tried to get near her to cuddle a little but she would freeze and push me away. She never allowed my father to punish my brother, though. And he is much better off now in life both financially and emotionally. I am a single mother, divorcee, whereas my brother has a wonderful family, great wife and children plus lots of money and a great job that he loves. A dream come true. I was lucky enough to stop rebelling just in time to graduate from high school and get a university degree. However, I have never found peace in my life, I'm completely torn at 46, and I think I'll never fully recover even though I have read many books and watched lectures on the subject trying various techniques proposed by therapists. The only relief I have recently found was the approach to CPTSD therapy proposed by Dr. Janina Fisher. Her therapeutic methods appeal to me the most. The way she treats separate dissociated "selves" and teaches how to strengthen the "normal self" and expand the window of tolerance is the only thing that has helped me not to end up my life. So no, I would not go to my parents funeral and I don't think anyone who suffered as much as I did should ever consider taking part in a circus where people put on masks and pretend that they care.
I am so sorry you had to endure all that. Of course you shouldn’t go to their funerals. I am glad this family dynamic is finally being spoken about. You are not alone.
You are on your forties; I am on my sixties. Don't give up. Don't let them win.
so sorry, what a rough life you had - its hard for children to accept the evil in the eyes of our very parents. interesting how the sexual perversion often accompanies the sadistic abuse. I had that also. my only escape was to get away from my evil mother and abusive sister every chance I could so I made friends with teachers and neighbors to find ways to escape my wicked mother. now I understand why I related to the victims in so many of the fairy tale stories I grew up with. I saw the same evil in my mothers eyes daily. my younger siblings didnt get the luxury of escaping the house and are all quite broken and lost;-(
@Lucy 2021 OMG. They were psychopaths. I am so sorry.
Yes that creepy smile when violence is being inflicted on you. I would confront my mother, that I could see her smiling. She hold try to control it, but her face gave it away. Her child being beaten up, verbally abused, and vilified was causing her pleasure. When I was a child, as a 7 year old I would get in front of my father to stop hitting her. As a 7 year old I had empathy and bravery. And she was revelling in my pain!!!!! What a betrayal. That your parents are the devil, everything society told you about parents is wrong. To break that conditioning, is the hardest thing. God please give me the strength to break away from this poison called family, let me find peace again, the will to live again.
I skipped both funerals. I haven't had one pang of guilt nor did I feel the need for closure.
wise because narcs never truly give closure anyway
I did not go to my father's funeral and am so glad I didn't. I was told i was excluded from my father's will because I dissapointed him. Also my sister was concerned I was going to contest the will. True colours have come out. As a child I tried my best to please my patents to no avail. BOTH DID NOT BEHAVE AS A NURTURING AND PROTECTIVE BEHAVIOURS. THEY DIVORCED BUT IT GOT WORSE. I WILL NOT ATTEND MY MOTHER'S FUNERAL.
I found your channel last Wednesday while my mother‘s funeral was happening and I was not there. It was the right thing to do for me as I would have been attacked mercilessly. I sent flowers. I wish this video had come out in time to help me make the decision! But I am very glad others will have it to help them, and that’s why I am also commenting. I didn’t go because the pain her death brought up was enough to deal with, without the family drama on top.
Take care of yourselves, fellow scapegoats. Be the parent to yourself that you wish you had had.
Awww thank you for sharing ♥️
@@scapegoatchildrecovery thank you, Mary. I haven’t commented yet, but your videos helped me so much that day. ❤️
Beautifully said. Graciously accepted and internalized (you message). My ❤️ goes out to each and everyone of US who have lived through this very painful and difficult life experience and it means SO much to know, through this YT community that I am NOT ALONE! ❤️🙏💪🦋
I have often said I would not go to the funeral of my abuser but often wondered what I would 'actually' do when the time came,
Today I got to find out. My abuser died toady and I am most definitely not going to the funeral.
How do I feel? Indifferent would probably be the best way to describe getting the news. I will admit I cried a bit. Not for the passing of my alcoholic narc abuser but for the realization of how much damage had been done to me which I did not deserve.
Thank you Mary for posting a video about such a sensitive subject it helped me put things into perspective.
Thank you Grahame & thanks for sharing ♥️
🤗💛
I went no contact with my mother and my brothers for the last time in 2011. My now adult daughter recently told me that my brother had requested my telephone number because he wanted to “reach out” to me but she said that they didn’t know how to reach out. I politely told her that I wasn’t interested in coming to terms with my family of origin. I told her that love doesn’t exist when there is no respect. To love is to respect. I will not be responding to any of their messages. The Bible even tells us to let the dead bury the dead. These types of abusers and manipulators surrendered all of their human emotions of love, empathy and compassion when they chose to become abusers. Thus their souls were dead long ago. I will not be attending any of their funerals. My life has evolved with out them being a part of it.
Interestingly, when there's a death in the family, regardless of whether or not we were on good terms with the deceased, we are made to feel guilty and push aside the anguish and harm we endured with them when they were alive. It seems as though there's a shift in our emotions, from being indifferent to being overly caring
35 years ago I skipped my father's funeral. My family of origin made up a story of whole cloth about why I wasn't there-- they collectively decided I didn't have a road worthy car for the long drive and told anyone who asked that that is why I wasn't there, rather than face my facts that after a life of abuse, I could now do what *I* wanted. I still kept contact with my surviving siblings and my mother, visiting them once a year or so. Now it is my ancient mother circling the drain. She's had 35 years to abuse me all by herself, and she hasn't missed a lick.Last year I realized my siblings were complicit, and so I went NC with the lot of them. I wasted more than 60 years trying to fit in. I simply do not have time for it now.
My mother in law was a narc and so was my father. I went to both funerals, and I enjoyed it! The relief this whole shit has come to an end, was a fantastic feeling. I didn't grieve the person, but I felt so good about myself knowing I survived the abuse and they can't hurt me anymore. Now my father in law is still alive, and the whole family system is stil very toxic, 5 years ago I went no contact with them. When he dies, I don't think I will go to his funeral, cos I don't want to see the rest of that family anymore.
Yes, I wanted to go actually to my parents funerals but I didn't because of my siblings are very abusive towards me. I probably would have come home and be re traumatized for months, that's what always happened with them. I would have punched someone in the mouth maybe, no just kidding but now they all get to sit around and say further what a horrible person I am
@@catzee4720They would say you’re a horrible person even if you attended. You did the right thing by protecting yourself. ❤
It’s a very uncomfortable subject that we all need to look at . My body screams NOOOOOO about my F funeral. I can’t face any of them the pain is so deep there is nothing left to say. The lies and abuse, trying to take my children off me . Just unbearable torture. The vile things they’ve said I feel no reason why I’d go the only persons I’d go to is my mothers. But even then people will want to involve me in the funeral, what songs/ poems/ vile narcissistic brother and disgusting toxic sister in law!
I can’t deal with other it I don’t know what I’m going to do. You are right! Every single word…..
I understand 😰. It’s important to really acknowledge the cost to us to place ourselves in these dangerous situations
My narcissistic mother said don't come to my funeral. I'm going to tell everyone (me her scapegoat child) what you're like. This all came from a typical argument, and she used emotional blackmail. Unreal. Worse my siblings are also narcissistic so I'm really on my own, always have been. Both parents were emotionally immature and narcissistic. I have no idea what I'll do when the time comes, but I've cried the tears to God, and I know he'll guide and protect me. 😔💜🌻
❤💔❤
Same for me. I want to my Narc Dad’s veteran’s commencement to thank him for his service to our country but I passed on the “Booze Blues & Barbecue” celebration of his life. I spent time with my God thanking Him for helping me overcome my life with him and my siblings. I have many others who see me for who I am and not just a projection of their unhappiness.
Don't go!!!!!!!
Put yourself first
Proyect yourself
Nothing Good is going to happen!
Boundries first
Jesus said "Let the dead bury their own dead but you follow Me (aka the TRUTH)."....
@@reesedaniel5835Amen.
Didn't go to fathers funeral this last March. The siblings had become so irrational and hostile that it would have been a horrible experience. I made my peace with my beloved father, and let my cruel mother and her cult followers go.
I decided not to go to my narc moms funeral - bc I was in no contact for so many years already - and I realized - she would not ever change her behavor against me at all - same about the rest of my toxic family members - my body said no and that has convinced me most of all - now she is six feet under - died in dec. 2020 all alone in hospital while the corona virus bs did not allow to visit people - even when they were dying. Narc. mother did not even ask anybody to visit her at all - that´s what a nurse told us on the phone - she died as she use to live - lonely and by herself only.
I only went to Mom's graveside. It's a much shorter event, I could leave much easier than the funeral, and I could wear sunglasses to hide my expressions, but still show a sign of honoring Mom by leaving a rose on her casket.
I'm still not over my dad's funeral, let alone his actual death. It was very strange and traumatic.
My parents were deeply damaged people, including surviving the worst of WWII. I was raised to pity them and accept the abuse. But after a great deal of effort, education, self-help books, and therapy. I came to realize that they were also making choices to harm me specifically. That being their scapegoat didn't help them, and certainly harmed me. I am vilified by the family for many reasons, culminating in not attending their funerals. The attacks don't affect me. Especially since I know that I did everything in my power to change the family dynamics. It helps to not feel guilty. But I do regret not developing insight decades earlier, going no-contact years before I did. Oh well, better late than never.
exactly - thanks for sharing.
you did amazingly. you would have 'developed insights decades earlier' if that information had been available but it simply wasn't - there were no books, or professionals or education or guidance on how to manage and heal from it until very recently... it's still a huge taboo.
@@scapegoatchildrecovery I did find one book in the early 80s that was relevant. It helped me understand my family dynamics. Realize I wasn't crazy. I urge everyone to read or listen to it. M. Scott Peck's "People of the Lie" ua-cam.com/video/IT1qj4pTo0I/v-deo.html
I can so relate…❤️
How is your own family life? How is your relationship with your children and how old your children are now? You will have a great insight into family dynamics once you reach your parents age .....
My husband and I are far from perfect and made many mistakes. But I think we identified and controlled our damaged emotions and potential family dysfunction to a much greater degree than our parents. Our kids are all in their 20s now. They choose to have a loving and respectful relationship with us and with each other. I hope this continues throughout their lives based on the foundation we provided. (My sister's golden child died of drug addiction causes a few years ago. She always excused our parents' behavior as it favored her so greatly. Tragically, it appears that what goes around does indeed come around.) @@annas1259
I went to my Dad's funeral - he deserved to be honored. I didn't go to my mother's. She was no mother to me.
It's a horrible situation to be in😔My Dad died 2020, I was shut out from everything, arrangements of funeral, Dad and I were close, Mum was jealous of that. When we got to Chapel, all seats taken by sisters friends, so we had to sit on opposite side😢(It was during Covid)My Dad was a fair Man, but Mum was boss, thru out my life, I was always left out, school days, my Grandma would come to railings at school, as mum didn't give me crisp or milk money, idolised my brother and sister, I was of use when I was doing things for her, other times so cruel with her tongue, even actions against me, my siblings never suffered at her hands. She phoned Xmas morning '22 upset me so much, I spent day in tears, I get brave come evening, phoned her back, told her exactly how I felt, Sad, some points in past didn't want to be here, she said she keep in touch, see me soon😂only took her to 3rd August this year, to phone, saying she was not coping, and she loved me😲she was having a bad day, wanted to reel me in, for more hurt, I'm not having it anymore. I do feel confused about when it's her time to go, after abysmal show at dad's funeral, I don't want to go, as she's only ever been cruel to me, yet I have Guilt! @RatedArggg admire you being Strong, along with Mary and other People here, who are troubled. HUgz to everyone
Same, when the time comes, I will attend my father's. The person with that title of mother died to me years ago. All they'd be burying is a corpse.
People need to make wise of their choices in life, cause sometimes the weight of them is to hard to bare for that soul. She will get no closure from me, she can beg god to give her that.
Consequences are a bitch.
I was able to attend my dads funeral over zoom which was nice because I was able to “attend” without interacting with my family. I still hated listening to the lies about what a great person he was but I’m glad I was able to watch.
The last time I tried to have an adult conversation with my mother she completely lost it, threw food, left, and left a vm telling me I wouldn’t be allowed to attend her funeral. (She spent the next 2 years absolutely ANNIHILATING my character to the “family”). I sent her flowers for her b-day a couple months after that incident and she jumped on the chance to try to pull me back in to further humiliate me (it didn’t work and I maintained significant distance). She once more hurt me by using another family member’s death that she knew I wanted to attend service for by telling me a month after and going on and on about how beautiful her service was. That’s when her hatred for me really (it really took me that long) hit home and we didn’t speak until she was in hospice and dying. It was hard for me to decide to see her again before she died, but I did. I was then abused verbally by my nieces and nephews to guilt me to visit. I did because I WANTED TO, and the whole family that was there made it very clear that I was a horrible monster in their eyes - no interaction or support for the child of a dying woman. It was very clear they were happy to continue the cycle. I was shuffled out out of the house almost immediately once she passed (not even allowed to go back in and retrieve my things) and haven’t seen them since. I absolutely didn’t expose myself to their abuse anymore and didn’t go to the funeral. BEST decision I ever made. My sibling (who literally tried killing me when we were little) tried to take mom’s place as primary abuser soon after during the estate settling (love bombing, acting like we were actually close, etc) and that didn’t work either. I’m NC with everyone and SOOOOO much happier!! Now just trying to work through the grief of the reality of what happened to me and losing hundreds of people that I always tried to believe cared for me. I don’t feel bad ONE BIT about not going. It was much better than dealing with their evil sneers and rejection in real time. Best wishes to anyone struggling with this. You don’t deserve any more abuse, you’ve suffered enough. 💖
Thank you for sharing your story. It is helping me cement my decision not to attend my mother's funeral.
Happy to help. As scapegoats we’ve been through so much already. Warmest thoughts and wishes for your self-care journey, not an easy thing. 💖✨
I have learned the hard way not to underestimate evil. Steering clear of anyone with no boundaries. I would be suprised if you got anything from your hateful mother's estate. Congrats on going no contact and do block them on your phone.....
This made me cry. Felt all of this and the exact reason why my body screams no I can’t. My boyfriend insists I’m never to go and he cannot face my Famiky he hates them for the way they’ve treated me. I’ve walked away already and cut all ties with all family as I just can’t put my fragile nervous sites through another round of toxic vile bastards.
I look at them all as soulless robots. The only person I want in my life is my mother I sometimes can forgive her then I remwber all the input she had and she recently hd even when I was on my death bed she and him jumped in and my brother and his toxic narc wife. I will never go back I can’t go there. It’s amazing reading all of your comments in this community I salute you and understand why you’d never want to go through any of it again I’m deeply traumatised and wish I could extract the pin from my body. It’s horrific the more time goes on the more I can’t believe how bad things hve been. Every spiritual person I’ve ever seen whose read me without knowing my story has said “wow you have hd so much trauma” I know we all hve and no one will ever accept the severity of the damage.
They all
Deserve one another. Learnt nothing in their lives and so it continues! Wasted life I’d rather be me.
My nephew pleaded with me to visit my narcissistic sister and in order to pacify him as I love him dearly I agreed. I phoned her and she seemed over emotional and so happy. During a cup of tea I asked her why she had spent my 66 years telling lies about. What a reaction from her tee hee. She got up out of her chair and waving her arms and screaming " get out of my house ". So I did just that and on my way out I punched through each and every Tunnocks Teacake (still in the box) that I had brought round for her. Revenge is sweet although I am not a violent person.
Kx
I didnt go to my fathers funeral. I still get shit for it but Im good with it. I couldnt cope with the thought of seeing extended family. I think that it was instrumental in my learning to respect my own choices, It has become a simple thing now for me to do what I want to do and not take anyone elses stuff on at detriment to myself.
you have the right attitude. People often say "just forgive and forget to feel better" BS! whereas you say "acknowledge the harm". We absolutely need to acknowledge what actually was. Well done! I like your attitude
They don't realize it's only a bandaid and the pain lasts a lifetime. It's easier said than accomplished and going no contact may offer some peace depending on the situation
It's so sad that they've trained us to worry so much about them, even though they treated us like trash. A few weeks into my father being terminal, he and I were alone in his apartment, sitting at his dining room table. He'd just finished eating dinner and he quietly said, "I thought there'd be reconciliation." I said hopefully, "With who?" And he said, "Oh never mind."
I felt crushed but at the same time, thought to myself, he probably wasn't referring to me anyway.
I was no contact from my father - he wrote me a letter and disowned me after his mother who I was close to passed away. I knew he was sick and when he was dying I had calls to his bedside. I didn't go because my own children needed me, I lived 500km away from the city at the time and I didn't want to go and see the man who told me I was not his daughter anymore but wanted to know if he was a grandfather. I did go to the funeral. It was very challenging because the widow and my half sister weren't really acknowledging especially my sister. She obviously had a very different view of what happened as she was a small child at the time of the estrangement. I was sad for many reasons because this estrangement wasn't one I had control over - my parents had divorced and both remarried so I rarely got to see him. The day of my father's funeral was the day I went no contact from my mother due to her continuing the abuse strategies she used against me this time toward my children. I might not have been the scapegoat with my father but he didn't want me in his life anyway. I was the scapegoat with my mother and she is currently still living.
Even with the best-crafted Masterplan, given the intentions of "others", there is still likely to be some kind of fallout. The fallout falls very silently, when you just remain AWAY, unreachable, healthy and undisturbed. 💝
My mother passed away in 2021 and I did want to go to the funeral but my sister (golden child) who had abused me emotionally in a severe way decided that i was not allowed to participate. I respected her choice since the drama, the dynamic of my family members had taken so much from me that I was feeling literally PHYSICALLY sick when I was around them. I also learned that any occasion was a good occasion for them, specially for the golden child who was obsessed with hurting me by bullying, yelling, name calling, blaming, ruining (my wedding) and her favourite one was to make sure that I NEVER join them on Christmas or any other holidays...... I guess, I would say that I am glad that I did not go. I am 57 years old and I moved to Canada in my early 20's so did my parents and 3 siblings. I moved out after living two years with my family. The abuse had started from the day that i was born but in my 20's I just could not believe the control, the bullying of 2 parents and 3 siblings against me. Since the decision of living alone was made by me and not by them; they decided that i should be punished. They did not talk to me for 7 years and then they would talk to me again for couple of months to get what they want (money, support, etc..) and then another 5 to 6 years. I will be 35 years that I am in Canada and I have spent only 3 Christmas' or Easters with them. My both parents are gone now and it is the first time in 35 years that I do not cry during the holidays. I was always alone. They would be all together only 5 minutes away from my place celebrating together. They had told the entire community that i was an awful person. This is the first year that I feel no pain during the holidays. I feel relieved. It is never too late to take care of our needs and health. Thank you Mary for sharing with us your personal experience.
So sorry for you, similar situation here, not as bad, though-I think.I have no family now, all died but one sibling-no contact. I also tend to isolate, have a hard time/really don’t want to do much socially-lack of skills.
Funeral will be the biggest gaslight ever omg “such an amazing person” 😂... I’m not going and am ready for the lashback. Fq inheritance money too, I don’t even want any of it anymore.
Thank you so much, Mary! So insightful and compassionate, and wise! Your content is extremely helpful.
Important points I've noted:📍
1. Make sure you are in tune with how YOU feel about attending. Listen to your body. How does envisioning your being there make you feel? Are you in a safe place?
2. Be realistic about other family members trying to reproach you for going no contact or hoover you back. How would that affect your mental health? Prioritize your well-being at all costs.
3. If they want "closure", you don't have to give it, taken the conversation might take mental and emotional toll on you.
4. Keep on with inner healing work and keep in mind the reasons you went no contact. That will build up the confidence to take that very personal decision. Be mindful of external pressure to attend the funeral, it has nothing to do with you. Only you know how difficult your journey was and you hold the keys to your healing and your making independent decisions that are healthy for you.
What a brilliant summary Gemma!! thanks so much. 🥰
I will go to my father’s for sure. He effectively had been a bit of an enabler of my narc mother for a long time but he’s Aspergers and most of the time was just genuinely oblivious. He and I have grown quite close over time as he became more and more aware of his partner’s malignancy.
On the other hand, I absolutely will not go to my narc mother’s funeral. Zero chance of that happening.
My goodness you understand and articulate the trauma perfectly.
Thank you
Great video, Mary!! I thought that after my granny (who I had a warm relationship with) died that the family as a whole would value me more with the shift of the generations, and would want to be closer to me. The exact opposite happened. I was brutally bullied at my grandmother's "funeral" which actually never even happened and was called off due to the alcohol abuse that was taking place on the day it was planned (I was sober). A few months later and then a year later they wanted me to come back for ANOTHER "funeral", and I declined. Of course I was expected to pay all the travel expenses to come back (always tossed around like a rag doll lol). By that point I had already said goodbyes to my granny in a way that was meaningful for me. There was no way I was going back for round 2. Thanks for the video!
You don't need to go to a funeral; you can do it by yourself at home, in nature... just a heart service to grieve and thank her for being a good soul to you. She will get it.
Funerals are just another social, fake gathering where the one people care the less is usually the person who died.
You can show your respect in many forms and by yourself with an open heart with no one around you evaluating your grief.
My mother passed away 12 months ago we had no contact for the last 12 months of her life which was due to the fact that she had caused so much hate between other family members and love bombed both my daughters after not having much time for them before that . The last straw was when I visited her and my father ( who was even worse ) on Christmas eve loaded with presents and then having them thrown at me . And given the silent treatment for the whole of the visit . I decided enough was enough . I owed them nothing . As a woman of nearly 60 year's old I can only say that at last I feel liberated. I have no contact with my sister's or my daughters which is heartbreaking ( don't see grandchildren) they all took her side and although I tried many times to be understanding towards them , the hate and abuse that I put up with over the past 4 years just wasn't worth it . Evan my husband who was constantly attacked by them has asked me to forgive and forget . ( so that we can see our grandchildren) I just wanted to say that no one takes the decision lightly to go no contact . This comes after years of abuse , of putting up with the shame , the guilt that literally hangs over you everyday . Nothing prepares you for having this happen and the consequences of taking that decision are at time's unbearable but I know it was best for me to walk away when I did .I haven't really grieved for my mother although I think of her and have forgiven her for what she did . ( that's a hard one ) The situation with my daughters is very hard to understand as we were very close but I hope that one day we can sit down together without the outpouring of hate that they feel towards me ( caused by my mother ) and we can try to put things right . I Love them both and always tell them that my door is always open for them , there's nothing else you can do if they freeze you out (won't talk ) All I can say to people is that especially at this time of year with Christmas just around the corner and we are being bombarded with family films and adverts telling us how it should be that's not Allways the case . There will be many people going through the same hurt that you feel and it's sad beyond words trying to express how we get through the holidays but we will . We must . Talk to other people on line that have been through the same thing . And try to keep busy and live your life the way you want to and not the way you were told too . Thankyou for your videos on what is a difficult topic to discuss I appreciate the work you have put into each video explaining not only your experience but helping other's going through it . Sending out big hugs and much love to all those that are going through difficult times xxx
Thanks so much for sharing Louise.
I too, have been struggling with this as my no contact mother is 92. Thank you for sharing this. I know I would be brutalized by my brother/family as I am the scapegoat, but I am trying not to be selfish. I know my attempts at reconciliation have really set me back years. You seem very kind and wise. Thank you for delving into this ❤. Keep making these videos. They are helping me.
Be selfish (if that’s what it is; although I don’t think so). Respect yourself. Be kind and nurturing towards yourself. Goodness knows you have received precious little kindness and nurturing from any of your family.
@@pmw3839 Thank you.
protecting yourself is not selfish. 💖
Thank you Sue
@@stephaay8437 Thank you
What a day of celebration that is
I still cling to hope that I'll be understood. I need to 'let it go' as you said. Very helpful video
♥️🥰♥️
I didn’t get the chance to go to my father’s funeral because no one told me that he died. I might have went otherwise but this just proves how messed up my family of origin is and I will not go to my mother’s funeral when she will pass away.
I am lucky in the fact that both my sister and I are both on the same page about our parents. I am the scapegoat and she is the "golden child" but she has also been the brunt of their anger and lack of love. My mother is a narcissist and my father has OCPD. My father does whatever my mother wants and both used money to their full advantage for their dysfunctional parenting when we were children and were also extremely controlling. This is the end of our family line so this will all stop. My sister and I have no children. My mother is horrible!!!! They are still living both in their late 80s. I look forward to the day they die as my sister and I will have true freedom!!! I plan on cremating both of them and who knows maybe I will flush them down the toilet!!! The emotional abuse by both of them has been
so devastating over the years!! My sister and I both grew up to be responsible loving individuals in spite of the fact that we only received conditional love. Thank you ever so much for this video and to all who experience a narcissistic family dynamic: MY LOVE TO ALL OF YOU ALWAYS!!! MAY GOD BLESS YOU WITH ALL LOVE MARY!!!!
Sadly, when both parents die you don’t feel freedom.
I'm glad you have a strong connection with your sister. I have no connection with none of my siblings (five).
I wouldn't flush them down the toilet; better a draining pipe so they might bring comfort to rats.
@@Anastashya
Not if you have not healed but for some is a soothing feeling knowing they cannot come back to life and keep the torturing them. For most of us, that's the closest to a closure.
Have the grace to just leave them alone. Make a living, count on yourself, support yourself and don't wait impatiently until they die. They may have a different story to tell about you and your sister. Selfishness may be an issue here - none of you has children, no capacity for responsibility for another person and this is how humanity progresses. You wait for your parents to die so you can flush them down the toilet - how lowly a human must be to say something like this about another human being? And you say that you grew up to be a responsible loving individuals. You do not know what love or even decency is. God cannot bless you if this is even in your twisted thoughts. God is about Love and Forgiveness - the other guy is about hatred and flushing parents. You seem a family of planners: you already plan cremating them - who knows, maybe they already planned that themselves and arranged for some good people to send them on their final journey, regardless how broken they may be
Yeah, that was not a healthy thing to say.
In my case, it was my siblings who were abusive.
To all others whose comments appear below, I truly understood your pain and I empathise with you all. As Mary says " sending peace and love to you "
Kx
I went to both my parents' funerals even though I was the scapegoat sibling. I didn't know the term scapegoat or that I was the scapegoat of the family at the time. I found out afterwards when a carer told me that my family and extended family could not stand me. She was leaving her position, and said she couldn't live with herself if she did not tell me, since she found me to be very nice and kind. I was shocked. I didn’t think such things happened in Holy Ireland. In hindsight, I don't regret attending the funeral as an unwelcome guest.
At the funeral, few spoke with me, but there were some who were delighted to see and converse with me. Now that I know where I stand with my immediate family and with podcasts like yours, I feel sorry for them all.
I let everything go a long time ago.
My birthgiver is still alive but I've already grieved her while she still walked around this earth until i finally accepted who she was. It wasnt until then that i entered the first stage of liberation, freedom, and deep happiness. I read majority of these comments and I take them as warnings. I told my narcissistic birth giver I'm not going to her funeral and she was shocked 😭😭😭😭😭 in which I know she probably really was because she took care of her abusive mother and expected me to do the same ? This was right after she disrespected and degraded me for the last time because I went no contact while still living with her and avoided her the entire time. Now that I am out of her house oh my god I feel liberated and during my smoke session decided to search and see if there was any videos of people talking about not attending their funeral. I just want to say thank you to everyone in the comments. I feel so validated. I wasn't going to her funeral regardless but If anybody in their right frame of mind decided to ever say anything to me I fully equipped with responses in which I really feel like I won't even need to speak then because I've cut the entire bloodline off. NO ONE has access to me and never will. I don't want any inheritance money I couldn't give two fucks if someone offered me 3 billion to sit in the back of my narc birth givers funeral for 5 minutes I'm GOOD!!! shout out to the people that didnt attend I wish y'all a a wonderful life. To the people that did I wish you a wonderful life to and hope you can heal from the trauma that followed you attending. Reading how other family member disrespected you triggered me so bad as I would fuck the whole funeral home up and everybody that ever decided to fix their lips to speak to negatively or blame me for the death of an abuser . That alone was my confirmation to stay no contact and no break it at all. Its so sad to see people who went YEARS no contact and decided to attend the funeral only to be attacked. I'm so sorry and thank you for giving people like me the heads up on what that shit would be like. I told God to let me know 6 months after my narcissistic birth giver dies I don't care to know right away. All my socials are private and I don't accept request from just anybody. My life truly feels like candyland and im so happy that I'm the mother to my inner child, and inner teenager. Life has been so abundantly amazing in all positive ways. I thank God I seen my birth giver for who she truly was and decided before even reading these comments to never attend. I forgive my birth giver though, I know shes going to hell and im so happy that demonic spirit that will attach to other family members won't ever be able to contact, see or get a hold of me ever again. 111💖
Oh no no no Non!!! My mother already knows I won't be attending her funeral if she died. I'm no contact with my whole family anyway so not my problem. My mother has no empathy when someone dies instead she insults you and will ask why that person want to live longer for?? Bloody sick
I went to my mother's funeral, but seeing all family members there I didnt interact with many of them and ended up in the bathroom talking to a friend. It was so phoney hearing a eulogy praising a person making them seem so wonderful and some people actually belueving it.
I am so glad I found your videos, Mary. This is something that's been bothering me lately. My parents both died several decades ago but I have an older sister who bullied me dreadfully. I was terrified of her for most of my life until in 2006 when, after a particularly nasty phone call from her, I decided that I needed to cut her out of my life for my own physical and mental health. So I wrote her a letter explaining what I was going to do and why. After several months she wrote to me saying how sorry she was and we gradually started afresh. Since then we actually became almost close, lol, and it was as if I actually had a sister for the first time.
Anyway, my sister is in a care home and is dying from vascular dementia. Her best friend has power of attorney and even though I'm next of kin I've been shut out completely of any decision making. All our inherited family heirlooms have been sold off along with her house, as it was assumed they all belonged to just my sister and nothing to do with me, which was like being told that I've never been part of that family, and brought all the hurt back up again. And now the question is whether to go to that funeral when it happens. And thanks to your video I've decided that, apart from the problem of travelling a long way, being disabled and a non-driver, it really isn't worth it to have the worry of having to meet those other people. I decided to walk away from the whole thing, and apart from phoning my sis every now and then and sending her little parcels while she's here, once she goes I won't ever have to think about my home of origin ever again.
My brother kept me away from my mothers funeral, which was very convenient for me
Well I see this channel is going to help me with my guilt and shame. I went to my father's memorial. But that was before going NC anyway. The situation that transpired during his illness served as the catalyst of my cutting ties. I will say though that I am regretting allowing my mother to break me down. But you've just made me realize why I have such difficulty with any sort of contact with her. She's about to be 80, lives in FL but will be moving back to the state we're from. She may think I will visit but she will be disappointed. She wants contact, it will be from a distance. Also watching this, just helped me make my decision on attending her funeral. I won't be. So thanks for that.
Thank you for your comments, glad to hear my content is helpful to you.
My mother gave me a blanket apology/confession 6 months before she died. She knew she was going. She said, "Sorry we never got along, it was me, I didn't want to get along." Wow, I said that's ok, we can start over today. She also told me my 3 siblings would try and get me to come back to take care of her and she told me not to do it, to move forward with my own life. OK. So when she was dying the other 3 went and I did not. Never felt a thing, no guilt, nothing. I did go to her wake. I felt like she gave me a ticket out of the family, like she knew what was really going on and she was giving me a break. Well, that is how I took it. I was the scapegoat, even after both parents died, it actually got WORSE and the next gen was also dogpiling on to call me names etc. yah nah. I asked my brother if it bothered him that the next generation was in the same cycle,he said no, so I left 20 years ago and never looked back. I cherry pick the good memories and pretend they are all dead and I am happy with my life and decisions. I love them BUT i love ME MORE.
My brother recently asked me if I'd go to my mother's funeral (she's still alive). I told him, "No, I've already said goodbye." I cut off most of my family.
Thank you for this. I don't have an upcoming funeral , its the holidays that are looming ahead for me. I have gone no contact for a year and my family has decided enough is enough and we need to talk it out. Which would mean me being set straight on my "misunderstandings" of them. I've asked them to stay away and not call. They have been calling of course , which I ignore. But most recently they showed up un announced at my house, also something I've asked them for years not to do. I was very angry and they left quickly. But then they went over to my friends house to talk to her about it. They have no concept of how awful the behavior is. This video is helpful me go over it all in my mind of why I've gone nc and will not be doing the holidays with them.
I really love your channel. You are always giving good & well informed advice. I'm in a rough situation (losing my sanity & balance over it). My 94 year old mother has dementia (hospitalized). It's hard not to have contact with my only sister sibbling since she visits her and we accidently meet (I broke ties with her 3 years ago do to psychological abuse). My mother constantly talks about her when I call her. I intend not to go to the funerals when she passes since I can't endure the mere fact of seing my sister.
Good for you Nathalie!!! I'm popping the champagne when my narcissistic mother dies and singing, "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead." My mother is still hanging on at the age of 84 :(
Don't go! You want and deserve an acknowledgement and apology. Instead you'll be tricked into saying, "That's okay" when it's not. Self betrayal of that magnitude is very complex and difficult to recover from. The liberating act is to deeply understand who, alone, was responsible (the parent), to give the responsibility back to them (energetically, actually trying to hold them accountable is futile), and to tend to your wounds with loving compassion.
The inner turmoil we experience is that we KNOW what normal, healthy actions are (eg, attend a funeral when someone dies). We really have to understand and accept that our families are not normal or healthy. So the "rules" for normal don't apply. In fact, capitulating to demands (from yourself or others) to do the normal thing may actually be the least healthy option.
"It is no sign of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurty
Love that quote.
I would consider this question as follows.... What would I do if nobody would know my decision either way, no external judgement, only my own soul to consider. For the record, my personal answer is "No. I would not go, I would have a personal moment of reflection and memorial on my own terms, in my own way and I would not be performing for anyone but myself" Whatever you would chose, recognise it is a difficult and personal decision. Be your authentic self, and know your honest values and considerations. recognise no one has to agree with what you decide. Much Love.
Every comment I have read so far is full of strength and wisdom and hope. I came here tonight, because my heart was so heavy with grief and guilt.
My body says “Oh hell no!” and then my biggest dilemma is the position it puts my adult son in. He has not enjoyed being in the uncomfortable middle since I went no contact almost 11 years ago and gets unsolicited annoying grilling from family. I also don’t want to hand them ammunition, like “See? We told you she’s the problem; she didn’t even show up for a funeral!” 🙄
Yes, they will definitely say that. It is difficult, but it would be nice if we just didn’t care what our abusers think or say. They have their agenda, which is to make them look good and us look bad. It would be nice if we could just find the strength to ignore them.
Your son is an adult now and can look after himself. And it is a blessing that they are not abusive to him. You can’t, and shouldn’t, keep him away from his extended family. Just be true to yourself, and faithful and protective and nurturing of your inner child. She is your priority now.
Speak your truth quietly and distinctly, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
@@pmw3839 Thank you for this. I’m saving it in my phone for future reference 😘
Dont care about what they think! Its not important🤗
one of the comment says that an adult child arrived at the funeral 5 minutes after the service started, sat at the last row and left during the closing prayer. Perhaps it is a good compromise. And your son won't have to carry the burden of your absence towards other family members.
@@azerty123qw worth considering.
I wouldn’t go to the funeral of a narcissistic parent - just feign illness on the day.
100% agree.
Don't feign anything. Just do one of these 🖕and stand by your decision.
My answer is I don't need to go. But at the same time I don't have an objection either even though I have been nearly no contact for 30 years. My faith had healed past trauma and anger but wisdom kept me a safe distance.
When my parents passed away, i walked away from my abuse sibblings i have not seen them in fourteen years,i know it was the wright thing to , but we are not getting any younger, i was thinging when they died i would sit in the back seat of the Church, as i wright this i feel my stomach getting sick, i have PMSD and i believe after listening in to you i have diccided not to attend, my mental health would set me back months, if they had know time for me in life,why would i put myself through this hell. Thank yiu Mary for all yr advise
Nope. And don't feel bad for a minute.
Why would I go to the funeral of people who Literally tried to kill me,rob me,destroy me on every level and walk round like they are victims . Now they really want me dead. They are hoping to go to mine so they can get all the sympathy fuel and smirk.
I am also feeling this. When my Father died in 2015, that is the last time I saw my Mother. I would say guilt is exactly what I'm feeling because my Mother is now 74 years old and I've questioned myself many times on what I will do when it comes to then. Obviously, there are no guarantees, I could pass before her, but if it is in a more natural setting, then will I go to the funeral? When asking myself if I want to, I have to say no. Do I feel obligation? Yes, but only because of the repercussions of dealing with other family members and their judgment of me. I do feel a massive amount of guilt because I would be the one that would be the more responsible of the family unit to see things are taken care of. I do not want any inheritance and I do not want any further contact with my family. Going to the funeral would end up with a very similar result of the comment from TheSacredwoman3 below. All I would be is the topic of conversation and anxiety for myself.
I wouldn’t go and you can always have a private moment with her at her grave after the funeral. I attended my fathers and after that I went full no contact with my mother and siblings.
Once my mom passes away I know for a fact that I will NOT attend. Why would I travel 6000 miles and hear the disgusting put downs, the lies,the rumours.. my mom has turned everybody against me ...I show respect by not showing up.If for some reason one of my family member has a change to ask me why I didn't attend....I would say" funerals are for the loved ones only..I ain't it"
If they are vicious in life why wouldn't they be vicious in death? People don't change. Stay away
YOU, Mary.... .have totally earned your ANGEL WINGS... xoxo
Thank you so much for talking about this taboo subject, it’s timely for me ❤
The peace this gives me in my bones...thank you Mary x
Aww glad to help 🌺
I had this conversation with my mother one day, Mom do you mind if I don't attend your funeral when you are gone? My mother and I were very close. She said, don't come to the funeral so you can always remember our good times and memories together. Mom passed 2 yrs ago and I did not attend. She was dressed in her casket with a beautiful dress she made me when I was 18. My siblings could not believe I had saved that dress for 40 yrs. I was glad not to attend the funeral!!! Greetings from Arizona.
No!!! YOU'VE EDUCATING ME AND YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED FOR ME AND MY HEALTH. BLESS YOU 🍀
I just had this happen!
.My mother contacted my father and said she was dying at the same time my father was in hospital. My father contacted my partner and then my partner contacted my mother because he thought I should see her before she died. I said it wasn’t a good idea and he convinced me somehow. And of course it Ended badly and all about her and totally head fucking.
She’s blocked again.
My partner doesn’t understand how toxic these people are but he does now. Now he’s backing me 100% 💕🙏
Great video Mary!
This all happened before Christmas and I’m still going through the aftermath physically.
Stay in your lane and keep going I say.
You don’t want to pay the price on your nervous system to get involved again.
💕🙏
"Parent" can be substituted with any family member..... not just your parent. Could be sibling, etc..
If you loved the parent then go to their funeral. If you never felt any love from the parent then don't go.,Spare yourself from hostile nieces and sisters.
My parents haven't been there for me throughout my life. Even so I tried & tried to become a family unit, but they weren't interested in me or their newborn granddaughter 18yrs ago.
Both now in their mid 80's their passings will be imminent, yet I won't be there at their funerals. I'm confident & happy with that decision.
I tried & tried, they never did. Simple.
I am a scapegoat daughter, my father passed away from dementia while I was staying with my son (32 yrs). I told my son I would go to funeral independently to him, so he could stay and catch up with my family. I 've never stopped my children from having a relationship with my family. This alone was a bad decision regarding my eldest son as they have managed to destroy our relationship. I wanted to go to the funeral because of the grieving process and my father was not cruel like my mother. I just wanted to sit quietly in the back without anything to do with my family. I know that the death of a parent in my situation is a complicated thing. However, my son was embarrassed and awkward told me that his grandmother instructed him that I wasn't welcome at the funeral. That day I received an email from my parent's solicitor informing me of my father's passing and that only close family/friends were welcome.This was a Sunday, so it was preplanned by my conniving mother. I can't tell you how this affected me, the ostracism and cruelty was just so devastating.
Just want to tell you how much I appreciate your voice on these topics, your channel is terrific and I hope it grows. Subjects like this are not talked about enough and it’s near impossible to get helpful advice
thank you very much :-)
Going no contact IS the end she said and to that, I have not grieved. In fact, I felt relieved that I no longer had to pretend on phone calls or text messages. I was actually free from that point on of enduring any more abuse, neglect, belittling and devaluation. Going no contact has been a blessing and a joy.
So, in the same respect when funeral day comes, I will probably NOT attend because my mom basically died to me when I decided to go no contact.
I went to my narcissistic mother's funeral. I did not even consider not going. Her family were difficult. her sister barely spoke to me. Others tried to convince me she really loved me. I knew I could not trust them because I had once tried to ask them for help with my dad's rages and they dismissed me. After the funeral, I felt inundated with mother energy, and I have been trying to cope with that and the feeling of being burdened to heal ancestral trauma.
Are you going because you want to or because you don't want anyone to think badly of you? Would you just be giving people another chance to kick you in the face? To hell with them.
Powerful question and answer. Thank you both. I have struggled with this exact question recently regarding my mother, step father and even brother and step brother and sister. Do I want to go? What a beautiful question! I dont want to go to my mother's or step father's. I know this will be a good choice because when my father died I refused mostly from a deep sense of hurt and anger directed at him. What is most shocking is how relieved I am to know he is dead. When I see a man that looks like him and remember that my father is dead my body relaxes. What is most surprising to me is that I didn't know how afraid of my father that I was! I spent my entire life angry at my mother who was cold and hateful and in comparison my father seemed like a good person. My body and nervous system told me a completely different story. Honestly I have played with changing my name, moving and new number. I dont even want to know when anyone passes away. I am done with it all. Constant pain, shame and hurt.
I would want to be there if my step sister passed. While we no longer have a relationship she was a beautiful light in my younger years. I think going to my brothers funeral might be more out of guilt then wanting to go but I am not sure. If it meant seeing my mother and step father I would have to say "no'. Painful stuff. This question shows how deformed and unnatural a family system we come from. These are not questions anyone should have to answer.
Hello, first thank you for the help, after I was in the funeral of my parents, I write letter to my
Mother, very sad Pham, that closed finally the terrible relationship that I had with my parents.
It’s helped me to clean a little bit the bad filling that I have always in my mine. It’s for life, ……
"What does your body say?" - thank you for this. Thanks for your videos. They are so helpful.
Nooooooo!!!!
Here's my story as the family scapegoat. I was the middle of five girls and the scapegoat in my family. When my father was dying in the hospital I chose to not go down to visit him in his last days. He was on morphine so he wasn't really awake. I was never close to him, he was always a very difficult and angry man, and I didn't want to go and perform some function that had no feeling for me. But I did feel guilty about it, but I knew that as the scapegoat my family, who never, ever handled stress well, would dump all their anxiety, unhealed trauma, and repressed emotion on to me. I did meditate and I sent my dad a message that signaled to him that it was okay to let go and move on and we would all be okay. But I chose not to go and after my father died I limited the amount of time I spent with my family to the absolute minimum. About a month later my family had a memorial service for my dad. My cousin approached me (she was the scapegoat in her family) before the ceremony and she told me she called my mother's house during the last few days before my father died and she could hear my sisters SCREAMING at each other in the background. I believe in signs from heaven, and I knew that was a message . If I had gone, I have zero doubt I would have been the one getting screamed at.
P.S.There were a couple of interesting experiences with my dad's spirit after he died. The first is really funny (for scapegoats), and I'll leave it to the end. My first experience occurred in the Spring following my dad's death. I started getting this really creepy feeling that there was a man lurking out in my backyard. I've lived in this house for 14 years and I never was creeped out by my backyard (during the day) before. Anyway, I started avoiding looking out my back windows because I had this weird idea that I was gonna see a big dark man sitting out in the chair in the backyard. I ended up moving the chair so I couldn't see it from the window, it was bothering me so much. Anyway, it wasn't until that fall, right around the anniversary of my dad's passing when I was out getting ready to paint the side of my house and I had my back to this chair I realized the energy I was picking up on was my dad. And it wasn't bad at all, it was very nice - protective. He was watching and taking care of my house. I just knew it. Anyway, my dad was terrible with people, but he was great with things and he always took care of our cars and he took really good care of our house. So I knew that was him still 'taking care of things'. Another time I was driving down to see my mother (5 hour trip from my house) and as I pulled into the driveway and was turning to park in a side area, I saw a figure (indistinct) of a big man standing in front of the window. I got out of the car and I looked at the window and there was nothing there. But I got this very strong feeling someone was looking out the window. It was a wonderful warm feeling of concern and care - something I never, ever, ever got from my parents or sisters in my whole life. No one ever worried about me or seem to care if I lived or died. I knew it was my dad. Strangely it's the best memory I have of him.
So here's the funny part - scapegoats will love this. The night after my dad died, I stayed at my parent's house. My sister and her husband and their three rambunctious dogs were also staying there taking over the entire upstairs of the house. So I found myself trying to sleep in my father's den - which is where he spent most of the last years of his life. And while I was lying there trying to fall asleep, I asked my dad to send a sign - something with electricity. My dad was an electrical engineer so that would have been right up his alley. Anyway, nothing happened that night, so I completely forgot about the request. About six months later I was visiting my mother, and she said 'did I ever tell you about what happened the first night I was alone in the house after dad died?' Turns out a wireless doorbell which my dad had installed years and years before, but was no longer connected to anything and didn't have a battery, starting ringing and ringing and ringing at 3AM. Sacred the bejeezus out of my mother. My dad really stuck it to my mom. lol. My mother didn't mourn my father's passing for a second. She didn't even pretend to be sad. She marshaled everyone into doing what she wanted them to do without even a whisper of emotion or sadness or a pretense of caring about anyone else's feelings. She didn't even do a covert narcissist's overblown, pretend feelings. So I think my father was giving her a little jolt from the great beyond. Well done, dad! Gave me a good laugh. I never told anyone in my family that I had asked my dad to send a sign with electricity - as the scapegoat I know way better than that.
P.S. I'm no contact with the rest of my family now. I always had a suspicion that my father had a good heart underneath all the rage and emotional abuse - he was a bully and could be very cruel at times. My mother, I thought though my youth that my dad was the only one she cared about, and even that turned out to be proven untrue. My sisters, i don't know what goes on with them. I know they hate me, and even though I did my best to make friends with them, they'd pretend until I let my guard down. Now, I don't care whether there's any good-heartedness in them or not.
@Millicient Aspinet My understanding of the spirit world - both good and bad, is you have to invite energy in. Which means you can also kick energy out - in exactly the same way you kick nasty people out of the house. But the 'demons' of the world can't hurt you without your consent just as the angels can't help you without being asked. At least that's how I understand it. When I was young I was fascinated with the supernatural - not interested in summoning anything, other than kid stuff messing around. But I wanted to understand it, know if it was real, study it if you will. I think as a teen I had an experience much like an incident in the 'Amityville Horror' where I heard voices, two men, in the air above my bed. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but it sure felt like they were talking about me. And I was so frightened, I convinced myself that it was my imagination because I read it in that book. Now that I'm older and wiser and better able to cope, I don't think my imagination works like that. But I did invite that energy in by exploring that book. You have to be careful what you open yourself up to. But anyway, my point is, even as I was convincing myself that it wasn't real, I knew even if it was real, they couldn't hurt me. I know that my heart is good - even as I have made mistakes - I always feel bad when I don't do my best. Anyway, whatever was up with your sister - she invited that energy in, somehow. We have the power to connect to external energies that magnify our own - good and bad. So if you turn yourself toward the light you'll always be protected. And it doesn't hurt to send up a little prayer at bed time asking for the angels to keep you safe. If you believe in good things - good things happen. P.S. I think 'weak' is unhealed trauma and unexpressed anger, a very low vibration which is how it gets exploited by the bad. Which is why we all have to heal ourselves. I think we scapegoats are more developed souls ( at least compared to the rest of our families). That's my take. I don't believe you have to necessarily be religious, it does help to have a good, strong community, but I don't think all religious communities are like that. All roads lead back to you and your relationship with your own soul anyway. Peace.
@Millicient Aspinet Best wishes to you too. Jesus is a powerful force but he has to work through you, you have to let the light shine through your heart. You can't just call on him to come drive out the evil. I had this experience when I worked at a summer camp. The camp was in a spot that had some powerful energy lines running through it. I worked as the assistant for the camp nurse. And the second to last week of camp - four weeks in, I met this councilor from Mexico who came to the infirmary looking horribly haggard. She hadn't slept in weeks because she said her cabin was haunted. She told me she and a friend were gonna pray to drive out the spirit. A few days later I saw her, she looked worse, and she said the praying didn't work. I said you have to tell the spirit to get out and mean it. Be tough. I saw her a few days later and she said standing up the the spirit worked. Jesus can give you strength and guidance, but you have to do the work. Does that make sense?
you did the right thing, stay away from all of them. all the best.
"It is appointed unto man once to die and then the judgment." Hebrews 9:27 That wasn't your dad, it was a familiar spirit sent to deceive you (a demon).
@@reesedaniel5835 Yeah, your analysis makes perfect sense, oh wait you didn't do any analysis you just mindlessly quoted scripture (shame on you, by the way) without actually even tying it to events. You aren't doing the Christian community any favors with your demon-mongering posts. Just so you know. Or maybe your intention is not to make Christianity look good, that's also a possibility. But either way, I find your abuse of scripture to serve your own narrow purposes to be shameful and an embarrassing mark against honest, loving kind people of faith who leave off the old testament mumbo jumbo and stick to the teachings of Christ - who never mentions demons, by the by. Or at least he doesn't in my Bible.