Thank you so much for your channel. I struggle with relationships a lot as I don’t trust people anymore. I’ve become very isolated since a string of life events since last March and a bad break up from an emotionally abusive relationship. I felt like a shadow of myself after that and went into a severe depression as I felt I had lost myself and couldn’t feel joy, only numbness. I’m healing but still struggling. I’ve lost my faith in humanity. I hope I will get to a place where I feel differently. To anyone going through this, I’m sending you lots of love ❤️
The problem I struggle with is that I tend to let others talk first about what's going on for them, and then when they are done, I try and express how I am feeling. More often than not, they don't listen long before they have to go, or end the call for some reason. YES, I am weeding those people out of my life.
Exactly. I am a very good listener. I am genuinely interested. I attract self centered, self focused people. I am a helpful and compassionate person. Well, you know the story.
Wow like looking in a mirror, both comments! I’ve gotten off many a phone call or parted ways from a get together only to say to myself “I guess I don’t matter and only exist as a complaint receptacle to them”. I’ve cut them off one by one and am now completely without friends. On the flip side, I don’t feel I measure up to the healthy, kind people I so wish to have friendships with- and always feel like they are “just being nice” to silly me by hanging out. Ugh it’s exhausting and frustrating and depressing.
@@jane_7193 I never really thought of it that way, that the self centered people who like talking about themselves would use our gift of listening, to just dump and run with no reciprocity. But its the lack of reciprocity that shows they don't care. It is kind of hurtful if one is honest. At least it helps you get the weeds out of your life.
I am genuinely interested as well, but it's not mutual, is it? That perplexes me. I wonder if you could get more assertive (read about TA or assertiveness)? It may make it easier to balance the relationships. @@jane_7193
I have the same experiences and i am totally on my own as well, which is a horrible feeling, as I am so needy - which makes people reject me. All therapy seems to be about self-help, so i don't know why therapists exist or how they earn any money.@@kamaliancirranoush1916
My neglect led me to socializing with people that would rate extremely high in narcissism. All were highly manipulative, self absorbed and untrustworthy. Id say the biggest effect of neglect is you have no baseline on which to gauge other peoples behaviors. So, in the absence of awareness or ability to gauge you naturally gravitate towards familiar, which happens to be toxic and detrimental to your health. At least, that was my experience.
I don't have any friends at all. I have never been able to feel safe and I found out only recently that I have Complex PTSD from my very early childhood. I had some EMDR on the NHS, but I need to see someone privately now and I can't afford it. Things are very tough. I am completely alone and unable to socialise due to an aquired brain injury. Sorry to moan, it's been a difficult day. I also have Prolonged Grief and it's been overwhelming today. Best wishes to everyone.
So sorry to hear you're going through this, and you're not alone! I struggle with friendships because of "over sharing" and betrayals in the past, and an inability to trust myself because of my numerous "triggers" from CPTSD. Thank goodness for caring therapists like Jonice that shine a light in the darkness! Wishing you all the best on your healing journey 🤗❤
1. Force yourself to take up more space. Share enough. Start talking more until you’re about 50/50. 2. I feel, I want, I think. 3. Feel. Designate a time every day to ask yourself what you’re feeling. You will begin to feel that you matter. Gradually, you will begin to feel energized rather than drained.
Sign 1- feeling like you have a lot of acquaintances, but not enough close friends. Sign 2- always being there for your friends when they need you, but when you need them they let you down. Sign 3- you notice your friendships gradually seem to drift apart. Sign 4- feel drained often after spending time with friends. Sign 5-Feel people take you for granted. Sign 6- friends share more about their lives with you more than you share on your life.
@@watsons4233 In my case I had no experience to comment on to share. Literally had to say I genuinely had nothing to contribute to group conversation/gossip because I already didn’t talk much either. If I have nothing to say I have nothing to say and my “friends” always had issue with that but looking back I wasnt in the ideal understanding of that. So yeah if you choose or can share more you would otherwise what are you going to share? Something that isn’t really necessary to comment on. Like hey my mom is blah blah blah. ( especially when I am not personally and purposefully active in my individual life)
@@watsons4233 so basically in my case it’s not that they won’t listen or that I didn’t trust anyone. I definitely unconsciously knew that if it was right to share it would be right.
@@watsons4233 maybe the feeling they don't want to listen is also the CEN? I know when I try to share people usually talk over me or interupt. I think a lot of that is in how you present yourself. You don't have confidence or respect in yourself and it shows, so other people take that cue.
Friends? What friends? LOL. Every time I feel like I click with someone nothing deep ever develops and we drift apart. It's very discouraging. Thank you for this video, it has helped realize why I struggle so much with developing friendships.
I was used after the death of husband at 55 yrs old. They used me rhen left. I got rid of his and my families. Death shows all the ugly in people. There was not 1 person there for me. Im an introvert so im quite ok on my homestead. With rhe world as it is i dont wish for new friends
Thank you for your helpful insights and good advice, 10:08 "When you treat your feelings as if they matter, you are actually treating yourself as if you matter. Then you can begin to feel as if you matter." ❤
Great video, Dr. Webb. I've always been invisible with my friends and have moved from the community where most of friends lived. Gradually I realized they were selfish. Have not had the desire to make new friends in my current community due to lack of trust. I believe that CEN folks/introverts/people pleasers not only are out of touch with their feelings and feel "less than" but also they attract those who are selfish and/or abusive. Perhaps when CEN folks become more aligned with their feelings and matter more to THEMSELVES, they can attract kinder and more reciprocal friends, and in the absence of reciprocal friends, they can enjoy their solitude and forego friendships altogether..
I have slowly moved on from the many "friends" i did have that never really knew me. ( bc i didnt let them bc i thought i didnt matter, but also bc they wernt healthy and wanted the attention.) Ive met these great people at college that surprise me at how kind and caring they are towards me. They say thats the bare minimum in a friendship. I open up to them, and they want to listen. How amazing. I had to realize how great my own potential is first, that i matter equal to evryone else, and then I met good people.❤💙💜
Sometimes I do remember how I feel and think about it but often because of my ADHD I forget about it or doing the exercise quite quickly and get onto something else before I've even noticed. I now recognise that people get bored and confused bye my behaviour. I and that there is a clear mismatch between myself and practically everyone else. I keep trying to change it but finding it really difficult. I have signed up for the course, but in all honesty have not listened to some of the videos yet as work has been exhausting and all of my energy and time go into it. I understand that this is ineffective for the rest of my life especially and can only keep working on this. Thank you for enlightening me on what the problems are however. I am 58 and a chest felt overwhelming for so many years but I am beginning to tease things out and work on them individually
I often find when I have the time to speak my mind goes blank. Other times when I'm with a group of friends I find myself listening more and thinking about other things because I hardly ever get a chance to say anything and when I do have something to say by the time I get a chance to say anything the conversation has moved on. Other times people just talk over me and I end up in a shouting match.
Thank you Dr. Jonice. I now notice that I have made several friendships in the past, where the other person talked a mile-a-minute about their own problems, but rarely asked about my problems, or my input about their concerns. In both cases I eventually had to drop them because they became like a 'broken record', re-hashing the same complaints, etc. I thought of myself as a good listener, and I knew most people are never really listened to, so I thought I was doing them a favor by listening intently; but eventually I got bored with the 'same old - same old.' A few times I tried to insert my opinions, often using my own experiences or similar situations, also needing to have MY needs & concerns listened to by them, but in both cases it went right over the tops of their heads and they just continued 'whining.' But aside from those instances, I've also noticed, in about 80% of friendships, past and present, I eventually am the one to 'pull-out' of the relationship before they do (both female and male), which I usually tell myself is because they didn't 'live up to' my high expectations for being friends to me. Eventually they would say or do something I didn't approve of, and it was all 'downhill' from that point. Even today, I think I can count on my fingers of one hand the number of 'friends' I think I really know and can trust; but I've always told myself I only need one or two 'good friends' to contact when I need some sort of help, on in case of emergency. So, believe it not, I am content with just a handful of friends, who I can count on.
Hmmm i think you are right, in what you say about the whiners. I have realised that that is how people see me, as I do talk about the same problems. When i ring the Samaritans, I have to be careful not to repeat myself because they accuse me of gong round in circles and terminate the call.
Oh, God this is exactly what I need 😫 I am terribly alone!!. Nobody understands me. God knows how many times I have tried to make friends, but some of them without knowing me disappear from me letting me feeling sad, unwanted, worthless and unlovable😢 und to top it all, I am married to a narcissist who doesn't love me, touch me, kiss me or hug me so what good is for me to be in this world??
I don't think your alone. I think there are many people in the same position. Today's western society is hostile and rampant with damaged people. There is selfishness all around us. I read somewhere that people with CEN are more likely to become friends with narcissists. I don't have an answer, but, I know that your not unloveable. It's the circumstances of your life that make you feel that way. It must be horrendous being married to someone that has that effect on you. Day in day out, making you feel crap about yourself. I hope you can find a way to find self love, and self worth. A narcissist rarely changes apparently.
I read your books in 2017. They led me to want to study DBT, grief counseling, and learning about IFS and ACT. I check in w/myself three times each day and still review your feeling word section often. Thank you.
we CEN sufferers know all to well that we got dropped from the social scene at an early age. then we fell further and further behind. also- usually our default modes of coping are all the wrong ones. right?
All of these signs - EXCEPT FOR the last one - apply to me. I end up being the one who over-shares with my friends, but most don’t open up to me. Most of my friends end up being 15-20 years older than me as well. I have two friends (one used to be my boss - but there are all kinds of weird complications with that scenario, so we are not very close these days)… The other lady is a mutual friend, who is trying to “repair our friendship” and I’m not sure if either one of us want that anymore. My former boss is 17 years older, and the other lady is 15 years older. It’s just weird all the way around. Our mutual friend was definitely neglected and abused as a child… she’s even worse than I am about over-sharing. It took years to be able to get a word in edge-wise with her. But I wasn’t about to be like my boss, who let her just run away with the conversations. I charged right back, and she eventually learned to let others talk as well. She’s doing really good in that dept. However, something happened last evening that may have cooked her goose with my boss. I just don’t know yet. She shared some information with me that she KNEW she’d been told to keep quiet about. Not knowing that vital detail, I texted my boss. I didn’t hear anything back from her, but that’s not unusual. She’s weird with texts anyway (it was I who basically forced her into the 21st century 😂… she barely knew how to use her cellphone when I started working for her. Now she’s a pro. But she can easily ignore a text or phone call. Anyway… I have the feeling that there is some triangulation going on, because our mutual friend (the other talker) has tried repeatedly through the years to do things to sabotage my friendship with my boss. So I kinda think she might have shared this information purposely, in the hopes that I would get really upset because my boss didn’t share it with me herself. I’m hurt, but not surprised, because of everything that has been going on for the last three years. I have the feeling that my friendship with my boss is over (at least temporarily), just because this will be one more thing she can be mad at me about. But in have the feeling that she will feel so betrayed by our mutual friend, that she’ll cut herself off from her as well. Also, by the time our mutual friend called me back to finally tell me to NOT say anything, the damage was already done, because I’d already texted my boss. So…. SHE is feeling he the weight of that major faux pas… and will probably isolate herself from my boss. My boss has her own share of childhood trauma, though she would downplay it. She and I developed a very close friendship, and she eventually opened up to me quite a bit. But bring the over-share-er that I was, I had trouble keeping my mouth shut… so that damaged her trust in me a lot. I did learn to keep quiet - but the three of us had shared mutually for so long that it was just natural for me to reach out. Strangely, I don’t have the sense of foreboding that I usually do when these conversations go awry, so I don’t quite know what to think. I just know that friendships are crazy things. And when childhood trauma gets in the way… everyone ends up hurt all over again. I have no clue how to stop it.
I grew up in a large church - but because my dad was the custodian, we knew - and were known by - almost everyone in the church. The National Headquarters for our denomination, as well as the flagship university and seminary are located in the same city, so many of the professors attended our church. We knew them on a first name basis, and a large number of them had known my parents since before I was born. They were involved- in varying degrees - in my life from birth onward. I am a musician, and decided to mature in Music Education … so it was only logical for me to attend that school (back then it was a fully accredited liberal arts college). That was my first experience of understanding that it was not really “normal” to be friends with someone in authority over me. I never had any super-negative experiences while I was in school; however, looking back, I wish a few of them had been more straightforward with me. My husband and I might have avoided some major problems in the early years of our marriage, had someone felt comfortable enough to sit down and talk some sense into us!!! This relationship was bizarre from the moment I saw her from the first time - and I had no idea who she was. Very early on, it was apparent that i was SUPPOSED TO BE THERE FOR HER. Our paths have crossed several times in life, prior to us meeting that night, and we both described that first meeting as “a feeling similar to coming home” after years of being away. She repeatedly told me she’d never in 50 years of business been friends with an employee before, with the exception of one woman, who was also another one of her employees, a woman i had started getting to know fairly well. There were two incidents that serviced to push my boss and me into a very close working relationship - her father’s death, and then death of this coworker/friend. The second death was extremely unexpected, and it resulted in me having to cover lots of hours for her until she found a replacement. It was because of that second situation that we discovered I had actually met a relative of hers several years earlier… and we’d passed each other twice daily for almost an entire year as a result of her being her relative’s “chauffeur” (for lack of a better term). She has described me as another member of her family… she didn’t even consider me to be an “employee” in the strictest sense of the word. We were FAMILY. This friendship was just simply meant to be. However, our mutual “friend”, i believe, got her nose out of joint because she felt I was replacing her. That was not it. She had removed herself from the situation long before I was hired. She was visiting my boss one day when i came in on a day off, and we were introduced. She seemed nice enough, and a few days later I saw her in another business, where i spoke, and she looked at me butv didn’t respond. I told my boss about it, and we both decided to reach out to the other woman. I was only trying to be nice… She’d recently lost her husband and was struggling. When we asked about why she didn’t answer he, she claimed she never heard me. Anything is possible… All i know is that this situation was strange from the very beginning. I certainly hope and pray it is fixable. My boss is a very good woman…i have NEVER worked for better employers than she and her husband. I am currently on indefinite medical leave, and would love to get well so i can go back to work. My illness has placed a huge strain on not only my family but her ls as well, because she ended up having to take my hours until she could hire someone else… and then ended up having to hire THREE MORE people to do just the work I was doing 😳 It’s tough all the way around, but I don’t regret for a moment being so close with her. I needed her friendship- and she needed mine.
Thank you for sharing this, we have had to deal with this for over 40 years, and I have never really been able to put into words what my spouse went through as a child and her reaction to it, so few choice words from you and it almost solved in a month. Now I have shown it to our daughter, thank you.
I am not sure if your suggestions are helpful in my current situation. I find in the age of texting, it is difficult to engage with people who want a meaningful friendship. I find the quality of communication difficult because people seem to be reluctant to call on the phone or email. In my experience, people text to suggest an activity but it doesn't usually allow for deep conversations which is what I believe fosters friendship. People seem to be more at ease with superficial conversation and as an introvert and sensitive person, I find this unfulfilling.
Wow, this comment resonates so deeply with me. In my own experience with people I have come to realize that I feel very much the same as you. It seems like everyone has traded the comfort and convenience of technology for the pleasure of actual human to human connection
Sadly, technology has not been good for deep connections. While I am very discouraged, I am not going to invalidate my need for deep connections. I recognize that I am hardwired for connections and relationships. I am a human being and not a machine. Let's keep honouring our souls. Thanks for your reply.@@alessandrobarnara4853
I am with you on texting. It’s ok for a quick communication, but is mostly a utilitarian concept. I get so overwhelmed trying to convey things in texts when people are trying to “catch up” with me. If they really wanted to “catch up” with me why wont they talk to me on the phone?? Texting is exhausting and does not foster real connections, but now that everyone is withdrawn into technology they use the “awkward on the phone” excuse to never actually speak. I’ve lost a friend that way, she won’t talk, and I can’t keep up with texting.
I understand your struggle. Texting is exhausting with little return. I find it sad that people think this is the only way they feel comfortable connecting with people. I have lost 2 'friends' due to their preference for texting over real contact. I refuse to dismiss my real need for human contact and connection. I will not deny my humanity. I have learned to become comfortable setting a boundary around texting. Keep believing in your worth. You deserve real connections. 😀❤@@kamaliancirranoush1916
All I do is text now a days, maybe talk on the phone on a rare occasion if it is someone I know. I stopped answering the phone after covid and hardly ever call people anymore. I even put on my business cards "text only."
Thank you so much for your insight, knowledge and wisdom, Jonice! Side note: it seems the volume is very low on this video, I've got both my speaker volume and youtube volume up all the way and it's still very quiet. Just thought you should know. Thank you!
I can relate to all this all my life. I think as I been doing more work over the last couple of years. I have been taking those small steps to asserting more of myself or taking up space but I can't seem to do it with anyone and everyone. Only with people who might feel safe. Even then, I have personally ran across many times where I feel proud that I am taking up space despite how uncomfortable and unfamiliar it is, then it's received with either this sense of people acting like I'm an alien because of my originality I guess, or me sharing myself seems to highlight insecurity in people. When you don't really have friends and also value personal growth/healing, etc then it leaves you focusing on you which ends up creating more importance around who you allow in your space because you prioritize authencity and safety and also it makes a person become more "value" if you will. By that I mean, you become more emotionally balanced and mature. you become much more informed and intellect deepens, you understand your needs and desires more from spending more quality time with yourself and getting to know yourself, you have a better understanding on what to give your energy to which can make a person sometimes more productive etc. These are all things that many people who have had it way easier perhaps in taking up that space, but turn that around and perhaps don't get to a place of which I shared one who has experienced CEN may have the blessing to achieve this. Hope this is helpful to anyone who reads this and this video was really helpful and validating to hear. it's been a struggle nonetheless, not only is it difficult to learn to take up space and for those who can be supportive and gentle and provide that space we need to take up space but also challenging to experience what I do on top of that, to feel like it's hardly a win situation when your healing work makes others uncomfortable
I have a couple of problems trying to do this. 1. I struggle with trusting people, always questioning what they feel or are doing. 2. Though I have tried to know my feelings, I actually can not pinpoint what I'm actually feeling, I find I'm angry and do not know the underlying feelings except feeling unwanted, unappreciated, and used. However, I don't know why.
Love it! Thanks for sharing. I know I don't have the resources to afford a counselor, but so far, God has provided through you and the Bible and a couple of ministers what I need to keep growing through and past my past❤😊
I really love your video. It’s quite amazing. I find myself not meeting enough people that talk on about deeper meaning of life instead of just talking about the weather. I do have thousands of hours and 12 step meetings Al-Anon alcoholics anonymous narcotics anonymous counseling. I’ve always done really good about talking about what I think what I feel, the biggest problem I have is that I just don’t meet enough people. I feel isolated a lot. Others don’t wanna talk about science and the world what’s gonna happen after we die? I like to think about things like this. I’m pretty sure I came from emotional neglect. When I first went to kindergarten everyone around me, cried except for me because I knew my parents were gonna come back. Anyways, and it was just shocking to me that people were peeing their pants and crying because they missed their parents and to me. It wasn’t a big deal anyways I’ve said enough.
I'm literally dealing with this topic in therapy for the last few weeks, after discovering my core rejection wound and the extent of my CEN a few months ago. I've read your book, and this video appeared at just the right time for me. Thank you so much for all your work in this subject area.
I grew up without close friends, because of verbal bullying at school. So I have never recovered from being a loser that only likes music and art. Also never have dated, because not even girls wanted me around besides music classes. So when I am in social settings as an adult I still feel like a black sheep of society. Including at church. At church rarely people sit near me.
I read your book and I found it really useful. I also use the CEN idea often in my counseling practice. And I always read your articles. So thank you! Having said that, I find videos a way lesser medium than writing, so I seldom view them. Just to let you know my feedback 🙂
As a client and a full time working parent with limited free time to invest in my personal growth and recovery, videos, especially Dr Jonice's recent CEN videos, and audio books are for me an invaluable tool in between therapy sessions, empowering me to learn and gain insights into my past experience and current behaviours, facilitating faster progress to be made following therapy sessions.
@@jasfra I understand some people find video or audio more suitable to their needs and schedules. OTOH, other people - like me - prefer "good old" reading instead. 🙂 I didn't mean to say videos are useless, of course. The best way of communication would be offering both a video and a transcript - although that's not always feasible.
@@valterpsicofelicita9631same. I read much quicker than it takes for a video to play. I often read the transcript, ut there is no grammar. Alternatively I speed up the video so I can take in the non verbal info as well. Cheers.
@@XtraSparklesPls Exactly. When I read I can browse the text at my leisure, concentrating on difficult points or skipping what I already know. OTOH, with video the viewer is "held captive" for the whole duration. Speeding up the video is an option, but it's harder for non-mother tongue people like me. Again, this is simply a feedback, not a criticism. 🙂
I feel it's the opposite they talk about surface, superficial and inane things that I cant even begin to talk about anything real because I will be seen as the freak. Needless to say I make every excuse to not gather with them #cantwin .
Hi Dr. Webb, thank you for this video, as I really struggle with friendships exactly in all the ways you describe. Could you please explain more about how and why a CEN person experiences friendships and socializing as draining? I struggle with this most of all! Thank you
me too. But you are told it's self-help or nothing. I did find a 'home help' to come and visit weekly but i felt over time that it became more about her and less about me and i felt lonely and stressed with her. I was not assertive enough to ask her to clean things in the house, so they kept getting worse. You could try and find a befriender or support worker.
Ooh one thing. The core beliefs are the key, I think. We form negative beliefs as a coping mechanism for the circumstances we grow up in. They then hamper us as adults. If you could find out what yours are, you could try and eliminate them. Sounds so easy, doesn't it? the Lefkoe Institute has several websites and they include a list of core beliefs that they claim you can eliminate with them.
I’m 65 yo and have come to the dreadful realization that ALL the important people in my life (including my 100 yo mother, my husband of 30 years and my “bff” of 64 years) were part of the old paradigm of about a 20/80 relationship, with me getting the 20. As people showed themselves unwilling to work toward 50/50, I slowly began cutting them off-everyone except my daughter. It has a been a very lonely road for the past three years but I’m getting on track and SLOWLY starting to form respectful relationships. I realize that while, within myself I respected myself (for the most part), I never really expected others to due to my upbringing. My mother recently passed so I was thankful I didn’t have to cut her off before her death, but I was really struggling with our lifelong pattern of her getting 80-90% of our relationship throughout my life. Now that the source of my CN is gone, I feel more and more free of those old patterns. The suggestions given in the video make me VERY uncomfortable but I am doing them. We actually do need people, no matter what we may tell ourselves. I hope you can find healing for yourself.
I think that really needs to change, but for now, I only know of a few men's groups, not sure what the theme is officially. But some kind of support group, I suppose. In the mental health charities e.g. (UK) MIND, there is a 'club' kind of thing where any gender can participate online and give and receive emotional support. There are also 'live' support groups for any gender, in some mental health charities. The problem I find is not feeling 'caring', just 'interest' and some positive words, as a policy. But you feel ashamed to be distressed in a raw way; and so you have to put on a more practical and constructive veneer and just talk about problems with neighbours, job, dustbins, health, apprehension about a date, legal problems with custody etc - not the real emotions underlying them.
Dr. Webb, I try to express my feeling more. But how do I keep from closing up again when the People around me do not react positively to my expressions ?
And what are the characteristics of the friend relationship if one were to make a list? Some of us have never had a friend in our whole lives. Starting from 0 and figuring out how to develop friendships as an adult is gonna be a challenge. Everybody else already has a friend group and probably aren't looking for a needy, self doubt ridden, mess of a human.
Learn much more about the importance of speaking your truth and how to stay connected in relationships in my FREE CEN Breakthrough Series: bit.ly/cenbreakthrough12 To find out if you have CEN, take the free Emotional Neglect Test: bit.ly/entest To learn more about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and how to heal it to improve your relationships, check out my bestselling book, Running on Empty, for just $10: bit.ly/runningonemptybook Find out more about Emotional Neglect at: www.emotionalneglect.com.
This is very interesting but has thrown up another problem for me. Over recent years I've sort of been doing the first two steps. What I've found, is that, when expressing my wishes, friends often double down on what they want and are unwilling to compromise. When I stop doing as much for them in order to create a healthy balance, they are not there. When I share more about myself, it doesn't seem to go in. It's like they are not understanding me. I'm a teacher and good at using my voice to communicate, so it's not that I'm unable to articulate myself well enough to be understood. I have come to the conclusion, that most people are incredibly selfish and are not really interested in making much effort to reciprocate a friendship. Could the CEN cause me to 'adopt' friends that are not healthy? Or, could there be other factors that i've not considered? Has anyone else had a similar experience? I'm going to start doing the third step as i've never done this before. Thank you Jonice
Hi Jonice, what about when your friends also display CEN behavior? I’m starting to take up more space but some of my friends are similar to me and they are still resistant to opening up. ie- I ask how they are or feel or if they want to expand on what’s happening for them, and the responses are short and sparse. It can feel very one sided to be in a friendship like this and I feel powerless to help my friend open up if they don’t want to or know how.
Thank you so much for your channel. I struggle with relationships a lot as I don’t trust people anymore. I’ve become very isolated since a string of life events since last March and a bad break up from an emotionally abusive relationship. I felt like a shadow of myself after that and went into a severe depression as I felt I had lost myself and couldn’t feel joy, only numbness. I’m healing but still struggling. I’ve lost my faith in humanity. I hope I will get to a place where I feel differently. To anyone going through this, I’m sending you lots of love ❤️
The problem I struggle with is that I tend to let others talk first about what's going on for them, and then when they are done, I try and express how I am feeling. More often than not, they don't listen long before they have to go, or end the call for some reason. YES, I am weeding those people out of my life.
Exactly. I am a very good listener. I am genuinely interested. I attract self centered, self focused people. I am a helpful and compassionate person. Well, you know the story.
Wow like looking in a mirror, both comments! I’ve gotten off many a phone call or parted ways from a get together only to say to myself “I guess I don’t matter and only exist as a complaint receptacle to them”. I’ve cut them off one by one and am now completely without friends. On the flip side, I don’t feel I measure up to the healthy, kind people I so wish to have friendships with- and always feel like they are “just being nice” to silly me by hanging out. Ugh it’s exhausting and frustrating and depressing.
@@jane_7193 I never really thought of it that way, that the self centered people who like talking about themselves would use our gift of listening, to just dump and run with no reciprocity. But its the lack of reciprocity that shows they don't care. It is kind of hurtful if one is honest. At least it helps you get the weeds out of your life.
I am genuinely interested as well, but it's not mutual, is it? That perplexes me. I wonder if you could get more assertive (read about TA or assertiveness)? It may make it easier to balance the relationships. @@jane_7193
I have the same experiences and i am totally on my own as well, which is a horrible feeling, as I am so needy - which makes people reject me. All therapy seems to be about self-help, so i don't know why therapists exist or how they earn any money.@@kamaliancirranoush1916
My neglect led me to socializing with people that would rate extremely high in narcissism. All were highly manipulative, self absorbed and untrustworthy.
Id say the biggest effect of neglect is you have no baseline on which to gauge other peoples behaviors. So, in the absence of awareness or ability to gauge you naturally gravitate towards familiar, which happens to be toxic and detrimental to your health. At least, that was my experience.
Try conservation volunteering you never get people like that there plus it is very rewarding.
I don't have any friends at all. I have never been able to feel safe and I found out only recently that I have Complex PTSD from my very early childhood. I had some EMDR on the NHS, but I need to see someone privately now and I can't afford it. Things are very tough. I am completely alone and unable to socialise due to an aquired brain injury. Sorry to moan, it's been a difficult day. I also have Prolonged Grief and it's been overwhelming today. Best wishes to everyone.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I tried energy healing too on you tube vids I wish you the very best
❤
@@Elaine-uc4un Thank you. I appreciate your reply.
BEST wishes to you too! May you find help .. and healing soon … peace & blessings
So sorry to hear you're going through this, and you're not alone!
I struggle with friendships because of "over sharing" and betrayals in the past, and an inability to trust myself because of my numerous "triggers" from CPTSD. Thank goodness for caring therapists like Jonice that shine a light in the darkness!
Wishing you all the best on your healing journey 🤗❤
1. Force yourself to take up more space. Share enough. Start talking more until you’re about 50/50.
2. I feel, I want, I think.
3. Feel. Designate a time every day to ask yourself what you’re feeling. You will begin to feel that you matter. Gradually, you will begin to feel energized rather than drained.
Sign 1- feeling like you have a lot of acquaintances, but not enough close friends.
Sign 2- always being there for your friends when they need you, but when you need them they let you down.
Sign 3- you notice your friendships gradually seem to drift apart.
Sign 4- feel drained often after spending time with friends.
Sign 5-Feel people take you for granted.
Sign 6- friends share more about their lives with you more than you share on your life.
The problem with #6 is is the lack of sharing your decision because you don’t trust anyone or is it because they don’t want to listen?
@@watsons4233 In my case I had no experience to comment on to share. Literally had to say I genuinely had nothing to contribute to group conversation/gossip because I already didn’t talk much either. If I have nothing to say I have nothing to say and my “friends” always had issue with that but looking back I wasnt in the ideal understanding of that. So yeah if you choose or can share more you would otherwise what are you going to share? Something that isn’t really necessary to comment on. Like hey my mom is blah blah blah. ( especially when I am not personally and purposefully active in my individual life)
@@watsons4233 so basically in my case it’s not that they won’t listen or that I didn’t trust anyone. I definitely unconsciously knew that if it was right to share it would be right.
@@trea492 I don’t understand. Is you not sharing because you had ‘no experience’ or ‘it wasn’t right’?
@@watsons4233 maybe the feeling they don't want to listen is also the CEN? I know when I try to share people usually talk over me or interupt. I think a lot of that is in how you present yourself. You don't have confidence or respect in yourself and it shows, so other people take that cue.
Friends? What friends? LOL.
Every time I feel like I click with someone nothing deep ever develops and we drift apart. It's very discouraging. Thank you for this video, it has helped realize why I struggle so much with developing friendships.
Geeze. You talk like you know me personally. You hit every point in my life on this topic.
I have suffered lack of close friendships all my life. Thank you for your videos.
I was used after the death of husband at 55 yrs old. They used me rhen left. I got rid of his and my families. Death shows all the ugly in people. There was not 1 person there for me. Im an introvert so im quite ok on my homestead. With rhe world as it is i dont wish for new friends
Jesus can be your friend,your savior and Lord!He is there for you!i pray that He touch your heart and that you have an encouter with Him🙏❤️
Thank you for your helpful insights and good advice, 10:08 "When you treat your feelings as if they matter, you are actually treating yourself as if you matter. Then you can begin to feel as if you matter." ❤
I know right. Love this.
Great video, Dr. Webb. I've always been invisible with my friends and have moved from the community where most of friends lived. Gradually I realized they were selfish. Have not had the desire to make new friends in my current community due to lack of trust.
I believe that CEN folks/introverts/people pleasers not only are out of touch with their feelings and feel "less than" but also they attract those who are selfish and/or abusive. Perhaps when CEN folks become more aligned with their feelings and matter more to THEMSELVES, they can attract kinder and more reciprocal friends, and in the absence of reciprocal friends, they can enjoy their solitude and forego friendships altogether..
Don’t have friends……gave up sharing things with “friends” because every time the information came back to me by someone else.
Sometimes good to send out a "Test Ping" before divulging anything significantly sensitive and confidential.
Give up friends who gossip.
I was about to tear up, this was so helpful to understand myself. thank you very much
I have slowly moved on from the many "friends" i did have that never really knew me. ( bc i didnt let them bc i thought i didnt matter, but also bc they wernt healthy and wanted the attention.) Ive met these great people at college that surprise me at how kind and caring they are towards me. They say thats the bare minimum in a friendship. I open up to them, and they want to listen. How amazing. I had to realize how great my own potential is first, that i matter equal to evryone else, and then I met good people.❤💙💜
Sometimes I do remember how I feel and think about it but often because of my ADHD I forget about it or doing the exercise quite quickly and get onto something else before I've even noticed. I now recognise that people get bored and confused bye my behaviour. I and that there is a clear mismatch between myself and practically everyone else. I keep trying to change it but finding it really difficult.
I have signed up for the course, but in all honesty have not listened to some of the videos yet as work has been exhausting and all of my energy and time go into it. I understand that this is ineffective for the rest of my life especially and can only keep working on this.
Thank you for enlightening me on what the problems are however. I am 58 and a chest felt overwhelming for so many years but I am beginning to tease things out and work on them individually
I often find when I have the time to speak my mind goes blank. Other times when I'm with a group of friends I find myself listening more and thinking about other things because I hardly ever get a chance to say anything and when I do have something to say by the time I get a chance to say anything the conversation has moved on. Other times people just talk over me and I end up in a shouting match.
Thank you Dr. Jonice. I now notice that I have made several friendships in the past, where the other person talked a mile-a-minute about their own problems, but rarely asked about my problems, or my input about their concerns. In both cases I eventually had to drop them because they became like a 'broken record', re-hashing the same complaints, etc. I thought of myself as a good listener, and I knew most people are never really listened to, so I thought I was doing them a favor by listening intently; but eventually I got bored with the 'same old - same old.' A few times I tried to insert my opinions, often using my own experiences or similar situations, also needing to have MY needs & concerns listened to by them, but in both cases it went right over the tops of their heads and they just continued 'whining.' But aside from those instances, I've also noticed, in about 80% of friendships, past and present, I eventually am the one to 'pull-out' of the relationship before they do (both female and male), which I usually tell myself is because they didn't 'live up to' my high expectations for being friends to me. Eventually they would say or do something I didn't approve of, and it was all 'downhill' from that point. Even today, I think I can count on my fingers of one hand the number of 'friends' I think I really know and can trust; but I've always told myself I only need one or two 'good friends' to contact when I need some sort of help, on in case of emergency. So, believe it not, I am content with just a handful of friends, who I can count on.
Hmmm i think you are right, in what you say about the whiners. I have realised that that is how people see me, as I do talk about the same problems. When i ring the Samaritans, I have to be careful not to repeat myself because they accuse me of gong round in circles and terminate the call.
Oh, God this is exactly what I need 😫
I am terribly alone!!. Nobody understands me. God knows how many times I have tried to make friends, but some of them without knowing me disappear from me letting me feeling sad, unwanted, worthless and unlovable😢 und to top it all, I am married to a narcissist who doesn't love me, touch me, kiss me or hug me so what good is for me to be in this world??
I don't think your alone. I think there are many people in the same position. Today's western society is hostile and rampant with damaged people. There is selfishness all around us. I read somewhere that people with CEN are more likely to become friends with narcissists. I don't have an answer, but, I know that your not unloveable. It's the circumstances of your life that make you feel that way. It must be horrendous being married to someone that has that effect on you. Day in day out, making you feel crap about yourself. I hope you can find a way to find self love, and self worth. A narcissist rarely changes apparently.
I read your books in 2017. They led me to want to study DBT, grief counseling, and learning about IFS and ACT. I check in w/myself three times each day and still review your feeling word section often. Thank you.
Oddly, All 5 are true but the last one for me, I tend to overshare and I know it, I think I kind of seek reciprocity and that's a bad habit.
we CEN sufferers know all to well that we got dropped from the social scene at an early age. then we fell further and further behind. also- usually our default modes of coping are all the wrong ones. right?
3:20 such a hopeful and positive perspective. I CAN learn to trust and be authentic, share what matters to me.
All of these signs - EXCEPT FOR the last one - apply to me. I end up being the one who over-shares with my friends, but most don’t open up to me.
Most of my friends end up being 15-20 years older than me as well. I have two friends (one used to be my boss - but there are all kinds of weird complications with that scenario, so we are not very close these days)… The other lady is a mutual friend, who is trying to “repair our friendship” and I’m not sure if either one of us want that anymore. My former boss is 17 years older, and the other lady is 15 years older.
It’s just weird all the way around. Our mutual friend was definitely neglected and abused as a child… she’s even worse than I am about over-sharing. It took years to be able to get a word in edge-wise with her. But I wasn’t about to be like my boss, who let her just run away with the conversations. I charged right back, and she eventually learned to let others talk as well. She’s doing really good in that dept.
However, something happened last evening that may have cooked her goose with my boss. I just don’t know yet. She shared some information with me that she KNEW she’d been told to keep quiet about.
Not knowing that vital detail, I texted my boss. I didn’t hear anything back from her, but that’s not unusual. She’s weird with texts anyway (it was I who basically forced her into the 21st century 😂… she barely knew how to use her cellphone when I started working for her. Now she’s a pro. But she can easily ignore a text or phone call.
Anyway… I have the feeling that there is some triangulation going on, because our mutual friend (the other talker) has tried repeatedly through the years to do things to sabotage my friendship with my boss.
So I kinda think she might have shared this information purposely, in the hopes that I would get really upset because my boss didn’t share it with me herself. I’m hurt, but not surprised, because of everything that has been going on for the last three years.
I have the feeling that my friendship with my boss is over (at least temporarily), just because this will be one more thing she can be mad at me about. But in have the feeling that she will feel so betrayed by our mutual friend, that she’ll cut herself off from her as well.
Also, by the time our mutual friend called me back to finally tell me to NOT say anything, the damage was already done, because I’d already texted my boss. So…. SHE is feeling he the weight of that major faux pas… and will probably isolate herself from my boss.
My boss has her own share of childhood trauma, though she would downplay it. She and I developed a very close friendship, and she eventually opened up to me quite a bit. But bring the over-share-er that I was, I had trouble keeping my mouth shut… so that damaged her trust in me a lot. I did learn to keep quiet - but the three of us had shared mutually for so long that it was just natural for me to reach out.
Strangely, I don’t have the sense of foreboding that I usually do when these conversations go awry, so I don’t quite know what to think.
I just know that friendships are crazy things. And when childhood trauma gets in the way… everyone ends up hurt all over again.
I have no clue how to stop it.
I am careful to not be friends with authority figures such as teachers, professors, bosses, and landlords.
I grew up in a large church - but because my dad was the custodian, we knew - and were known by - almost everyone in the church.
The National Headquarters for our denomination, as well as the flagship university and seminary are located in the same city, so many of the professors attended our church. We knew them on a first name basis, and a large number of them had known my parents since before I was born. They were involved- in varying degrees - in my life from birth onward.
I am a musician, and decided to mature in Music Education … so it was only logical for me to attend that school (back then it was a fully accredited liberal arts college).
That was my first experience of understanding that it was not really “normal” to be friends with someone in authority over me. I never had any super-negative experiences while I was in school; however, looking back, I wish a few of them had been more straightforward with me. My husband and I might have avoided some major problems in the early years of our marriage, had someone felt comfortable enough to sit down and talk some sense into us!!!
This relationship was bizarre from the moment I saw her from the first time - and I had no idea who she was. Very early on, it was apparent that i was SUPPOSED TO BE THERE FOR HER.
Our paths have crossed several times in life, prior to us meeting that night, and we both described that first meeting as “a feeling similar to coming home” after years of being away.
She repeatedly told me she’d never in 50 years of business been friends with an employee before, with the exception of one woman, who was also another one of her employees, a woman i had started getting to know fairly well.
There were two incidents that serviced to push my boss and me into a very close working relationship - her father’s death, and then death of this coworker/friend. The second death was extremely unexpected, and it resulted in me having to cover lots of hours for her until she found a replacement.
It was because of that second situation that we discovered I had actually met a relative of hers several years earlier… and we’d passed each other twice daily for almost an entire year as a result of her being her relative’s “chauffeur” (for lack of a better term).
She has described me as another member of her family… she didn’t even consider me to be an “employee” in the strictest sense of the word. We were FAMILY.
This friendship was just simply meant to be.
However, our mutual “friend”, i believe, got her nose out of joint because she felt I was replacing her. That was not it. She had removed herself from the situation long before I was hired.
She was visiting my boss one day when i came in on a day off, and we were introduced. She seemed nice enough, and a few days later I saw her in another business, where i spoke, and she looked at me butv didn’t respond.
I told my boss about it, and we both decided to reach out to the other woman. I was only trying to be nice… She’d recently lost her husband and was struggling. When we asked about why she didn’t answer he, she claimed she never heard me.
Anything is possible…
All i know is that this situation was strange from the very beginning. I certainly hope and pray it is fixable. My boss is a very good woman…i have NEVER worked for better employers than she and her husband.
I am currently on indefinite medical leave, and would love to get well so i can go back to work. My illness has placed a huge strain on not only my family but her ls as well, because she ended up having to take my hours until she could hire someone else… and then ended up having to hire THREE MORE people to do just the work I was doing 😳
It’s tough all the way around, but I don’t regret for a moment being so close with her.
I needed her friendship- and she needed mine.
My parents did have the capacity for my siblings but not for me because of their homophobia
Hubby & I both worked thru both of your Cen books. So very very helpful! Ty!
Thank you for sharing this, we have had to deal with this for over 40 years, and I have never really been able to put into words what my spouse went through as a child and her reaction to it, so few choice words from you and it almost solved in a month. Now I have shown it to our daughter, thank you.
I am not sure if your suggestions are helpful in my current situation. I find in the age of texting, it is difficult to engage with people who want a meaningful friendship. I find the quality of communication difficult because people seem to be reluctant to call on the phone or email. In my experience, people text to suggest an activity but it doesn't usually allow for deep conversations which is what I believe fosters friendship. People seem to be more at ease with superficial conversation and as an introvert and sensitive person, I find this unfulfilling.
Wow, this comment resonates so deeply with me. In my own experience with people I have come to realize that I feel very much the same as you. It seems like everyone has traded the comfort and convenience of technology for the pleasure of actual human to human connection
Sadly, technology has not been good for deep connections. While I am very discouraged, I am not going to invalidate my need for deep connections. I recognize that I am hardwired for connections and relationships. I am a human being and not a machine. Let's keep honouring our souls. Thanks for your reply.@@alessandrobarnara4853
I am with you on texting. It’s ok for a quick communication, but is mostly a utilitarian concept. I get so overwhelmed trying to convey things in texts when people are trying to “catch up” with me. If they really wanted to “catch up” with me why wont they talk to me on the phone?? Texting is exhausting and does not foster real connections, but now that everyone is withdrawn into technology they use the “awkward on the phone” excuse to never actually speak. I’ve lost a friend that way, she won’t talk, and I can’t keep up with texting.
I understand your struggle. Texting is exhausting with little return. I find it sad that people think this is the only way they feel comfortable connecting with people. I have lost 2 'friends' due to their preference for texting over real contact. I refuse to dismiss my real need for human contact and connection. I will not deny my humanity. I have learned to become comfortable setting a boundary around texting. Keep believing in your worth. You deserve real connections. 😀❤@@kamaliancirranoush1916
All I do is text now a days, maybe talk on the phone on a rare occasion if it is someone I know. I stopped answering the phone after covid and hardly ever call people anymore. I even put on my business cards "text only."
Thank you so much for your insight, knowledge and wisdom, Jonice! Side note: it seems the volume is very low on this video, I've got both my speaker volume and youtube volume up all the way and it's still very quiet. Just thought you should know. Thank you!
I can relate to all this all my life. I think as I been doing more work over the last couple of years. I have been taking those small steps to asserting more of myself or taking up space but I can't seem to do it with anyone and everyone. Only with people who might feel safe. Even then, I have personally ran across many times where I feel proud that I am taking up space despite how uncomfortable and unfamiliar it is, then it's received with either this sense of people acting like I'm an alien because of my originality I guess, or me sharing myself seems to highlight insecurity in people. When you don't really have friends and also value personal growth/healing, etc then it leaves you focusing on you which ends up creating more importance around who you allow in your space because you prioritize authencity and safety and also it makes a person become more "value" if you will. By that I mean, you become more emotionally balanced and mature. you become much more informed and intellect deepens, you understand your needs and desires more from spending more quality time with yourself and getting to know yourself, you have a better understanding on what to give your energy to which can make a person sometimes more productive etc. These are all things that many people who have had it way easier perhaps in taking up that space, but turn that around and perhaps don't get to a place of which I shared one who has experienced CEN may have the blessing to achieve this.
Hope this is helpful to anyone who reads this and this video was really helpful and validating to hear. it's been a struggle nonetheless, not only is it difficult to learn to take up space and for those who can be supportive and gentle and provide that space we need to take up space but also challenging to experience what I do on top of that, to feel like it's hardly a win situation when your healing work makes others uncomfortable
I definitely relate to the first four. However, for myself, Five is the complete opposite. I tend to over share which I think drives others away.
Yes, very helpful thank you.
I have a couple of problems trying to do this. 1. I struggle with trusting people, always questioning what they feel or are doing. 2. Though I have tried to know my feelings, I actually can not pinpoint what I'm actually feeling, I find I'm angry and do not know the underlying feelings except feeling unwanted, unappreciated, and used. However, I don't know why.
Love it! Thanks for sharing. I know I don't have the resources to afford a counselor, but so far, God has provided through you and the Bible and a couple of ministers what I need to keep growing through and past my past❤😊
I really love your video. It’s quite amazing. I find myself not meeting enough people that talk on about deeper meaning of life instead of just talking about the weather. I do have thousands of hours and 12 step meetings Al-Anon alcoholics anonymous narcotics anonymous counseling. I’ve always done really good about talking about what I think what I feel, the biggest problem I have is that I just don’t meet enough people. I feel isolated a lot. Others don’t wanna talk about science and the world what’s gonna happen after we die? I like to think about things like this. I’m pretty sure I came from emotional neglect. When I first went to kindergarten everyone around me, cried except for me because I knew my parents were gonna come back. Anyways, and it was just shocking to me that people were peeing their pants and crying because they missed their parents and to me. It wasn’t a big deal anyways I’ve said enough.
I'm literally dealing with this topic in therapy for the last few weeks, after discovering my core rejection wound and the extent of my CEN a few months ago. I've read your book, and this video appeared at just the right time for me. Thank you so much for all your work in this subject area.
Excellent. Thank you for posting these… deep pattern are coming to surface… in a much kinder way.
I grew up without close friends, because of verbal bullying at school. So I have never recovered from being a loser that only likes music and art. Also never have dated, because not even girls wanted me around besides music classes. So when I am in social settings as an adult I still feel like a black sheep of society. Including at church. At church rarely people sit near me.
I read your book and I found it really useful. I also use the CEN idea often in my counseling practice. And I always read your articles. So thank you!
Having said that, I find videos a way lesser medium than writing, so I seldom view them. Just to let you know my feedback 🙂
As a client and a full time working parent with limited free time to invest in my personal growth and recovery, videos, especially Dr Jonice's recent CEN videos, and audio books are for me an invaluable tool in between therapy sessions, empowering me to learn and gain insights into my past experience and current behaviours, facilitating faster progress to be made following therapy sessions.
@@jasfra I understand some people find video or audio more suitable to their needs and schedules. OTOH, other people - like me - prefer "good old" reading instead. 🙂
I didn't mean to say videos are useless, of course. The best way of communication would be offering both a video and a transcript - although that's not always feasible.
@@valterpsicofelicita9631same. I read much quicker than it takes for a video to play. I often read the transcript, ut there is no grammar. Alternatively I speed up the video so I can take in the non verbal info as well. Cheers.
@@XtraSparklesPls Exactly. When I read I can browse the text at my leisure, concentrating on difficult points or skipping what I already know. OTOH, with video the viewer is "held captive" for the whole duration. Speeding up the video is an option, but it's harder for non-mother tongue people like me.
Again, this is simply a feedback, not a criticism. 🙂
Thank you ❤
Thank you for the good advice. 😊
This is greatly appreciated!
I learn so much from your videos. Thank you!
Thank you very much!
Wonderful day. Thank you for all this
I feel it's the opposite they talk about surface, superficial and inane things that I cant even begin to talk about anything real because I will be seen as the freak. Needless to say I make every excuse to not gather with them #cantwin .
Hi Dr. Webb, thank you for this video, as I really struggle with friendships exactly in all the ways you describe. Could you please explain more about how and why a CEN person experiences friendships and socializing as draining? I struggle with this most of all! Thank you
Yes, this is great, thanks! As you mention in your book, having a list of emotions to look at while doing the feeling exercise can be very helpful.
I dont have any friends. I shut myself away from all. I need help.
me too. But you are told it's self-help or nothing. I did find a 'home help' to come and visit weekly but i felt over time that it became more about her and less about me and i felt lonely and stressed with her. I was not assertive enough to ask her to clean things in the house, so they kept getting worse. You could try and find a befriender or support worker.
Ooh one thing. The core beliefs are the key, I think. We form negative beliefs as a coping mechanism for the circumstances we grow up in. They then hamper us as adults. If you could find out what yours are, you could try and eliminate them. Sounds so easy, doesn't it? the Lefkoe Institute has several websites and they include a list of core beliefs that they claim you can eliminate with them.
I’m 65 yo and have come to the dreadful realization that ALL the important people in my life (including my 100 yo mother, my husband of 30 years and my “bff” of 64 years) were part of the old paradigm of about a 20/80 relationship, with me getting the 20. As people showed themselves unwilling to work toward 50/50, I slowly began cutting them off-everyone except my daughter. It has a been a very lonely road for the past three years but I’m getting on track and SLOWLY starting to form respectful relationships. I realize that while, within myself I respected myself (for the most part), I never really expected others to due to my upbringing. My mother recently passed so I was thankful I didn’t have to cut her off before her death, but I was really struggling with our lifelong pattern of her getting 80-90% of our relationship throughout my life. Now that the source of my CN is gone, I feel more and more free of those old patterns. The suggestions given in the video make me VERY uncomfortable but I am doing them. We actually do need people, no matter what we may tell ourselves. I hope you can find healing for yourself.
I think this applies more for women than for men. No one wants to hear about your problems when you are a grown man
I think that really needs to change, but for now, I only know of a few men's groups, not sure what the theme is officially. But some kind of support group, I suppose. In the mental health charities e.g. (UK) MIND, there is a 'club' kind of thing where any gender can participate online and give and receive emotional support. There are also 'live' support groups for any gender, in some mental health charities. The problem I find is not feeling 'caring', just 'interest' and some positive words, as a policy. But you feel ashamed to be distressed in a raw way; and so you have to put on a more practical and constructive veneer and just talk about problems with neighbours, job, dustbins, health, apprehension about a date, legal problems with custody etc - not the real emotions underlying them.
The sound is only at one side, as well as on my computer. It's very annoying!
Do HSP perso s have the bad habit of self-sabatage? I love your videos. Ty.
Very helpful. Ty very mych
Very helpful :)
Dr. Webb, I try to express my feeling more. But how do I keep from closing up again when the People around me do not react positively to my expressions ?
And what are the characteristics of the friend relationship if one were to make a list? Some of us have never had a friend in our whole lives.
Starting from 0 and figuring out how to develop friendships as an adult is gonna be a challenge. Everybody else already has a friend group and probably aren't looking for a needy, self doubt ridden, mess of a human.
Learn much more about the importance of speaking your truth and how to stay connected in relationships in my FREE CEN Breakthrough Series: bit.ly/cenbreakthrough12
To find out if you have CEN, take the free Emotional Neglect Test: bit.ly/entest
To learn more about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and how to heal it to improve your relationships, check out my bestselling book, Running on Empty, for just $10: bit.ly/runningonemptybook
Find out more about Emotional Neglect at: www.emotionalneglect.com.
I do tbese things. I only experience rejection.
This is very interesting but has thrown up another problem for me. Over recent years I've sort of been doing the first two steps. What I've found, is that, when expressing my wishes, friends often double down on what they want and are unwilling to compromise. When I stop doing as much for them in order to create a healthy balance, they are not there. When I share more about myself, it doesn't seem to go in. It's like they are not understanding me. I'm a teacher and good at using my voice to communicate, so it's not that I'm unable to articulate myself well enough to be understood. I have come to the conclusion, that most people are incredibly selfish and are not really interested in making much effort to reciprocate a friendship. Could the CEN cause me to 'adopt' friends that are not healthy? Or, could there be other factors that i've not considered? Has anyone else had a similar experience? I'm going to start doing the third step as i've never done this before. Thank you Jonice
Hi Jonice, what about when your friends also display CEN behavior? I’m starting to take up more space but some of my friends are similar to me and they are still resistant to opening up. ie- I ask how they are or feel or if they want to expand on what’s happening for them, and the responses are short and sparse. It can feel very one sided to be in a friendship like this and I feel powerless to help my friend open up if they don’t want to or know how.
Seems like cen is an introvert
The past is over though why look back to childhood for answers to our future? Better to learn to meditate and stay present
❤🙏
❤❤❤
Appreciate this so much. This hit the mark of my pain.🤍
Thank you!