Yes. Being a codependent hurts because you never really want to be alone because you equate it with some core shame that means you are not good enough.
Author Janae Marie it’s funny you say that cause I remember when I was single three years ago I felt embarrassed going to family parties alone. I definitely felt shame. I guess I internalized that being single was embarrassing
This is hitting me so hard right now. I have been co-dependent in all of my relationships. I tolerate things I shouldn’t until I can’t take it anymore. I have trouble saying No and I take the low road all the time. Basically I’ve allowed myself to be walked on to keep relationships. I have some deep personal work to do.
It's a very traumatic experience to be rejected by parents during the childhood. Even though we might not remember it, the experience forms the character that build adult relationships in an anxious way.
You’ve described my LIFE (so far) to the T!!!!!!! Creepy.. literally rejected by parents and caregivers.. I’m codependent and a definite anxiously attached person...maybe because deep down I’m scared of it happening again... my biggest wish is to break free of this...
so true... my biological dad left my mom before I was born so I had no father growing up and I used to live with my grandparents until I was 12 years old bc my mom was too young and went out of country to study. I was treated like an outcast bc I had no parents and I feel so abandoned. I started living with my mom and my step-dad later but was treated really badly. Rejection in terms of this and many more is literally all I have experienced in life
Yes . My mother was an abusive mother . I always felt invisible and not loved . I was taken off her and out into foster care for ten years . I’m nearly 40 years of age now . I’ve either attracted avoident or narcissist types . I’ve realized I’ve had to do a lot of healing, hence the reason I’ve been single 4 years now . I’ve recently met a kind, gently type of man that is a breath of fresh air . I never new what healthy love was . Hopefully I can her this right at 40 :). My mother to this day denies any abuse .. I’ve recently cut her off so I can heal . Do dependent no more !:)
I’m in the deep anger stage right now. I’m cutting people off from left to right. I don’t know how to establish proper boundaries without coming off as an egotistical tyrant. All I know is I am so sick and tired of living the life I have been living. 29 years of complete and utter hell.
Wow. As I grew up I was always told that I was too sensitive and had low self-esteem. I was insecure. My mom didn't really like for me to express my feelings. If I felt upset about something I was told to simply get over it and let it go. I didn't feel like my feelings mattered. So I learned how to supress my emotions and get attention from other people.
same here, i was invalidated, not seen nor heard when i was a child. because i was told that i was oversensitive, petty, emotional, couldnt take a criticism, everything became my fault naturally. i was blamed for things that had nothing to do with me. even till today, being blamed or pointed fingers at triggers me. i immediately get into this freeze situation where i start defending and explaining myself and my choices. i do realize this therefore im working hard to heal and reparent myself.
It just takes practice and song it as much as you can. You will 1,000% get there. You just will not always see the progress u til you are out of the weeds.
I purposefully have been taking the time to be my own friend for the first time in years, and I'm about 3 months in and love the quiet ❤️. The acceptance thst comes from being okay when being alone is wonderful.
I hear you, Madison. I have experienced this as well. I think it all comes down to loving ourselves as is, flaws and all, not worrying about impressing people, but just being authentic and trusting each moment is exactly as it was meant to be. 💛💛💛
When you said that codependent people suppress their own thoughts and feelings and that either leads to randomly act out or suppress it forever and get depressed, with literally one sentence, you helped me understand the reason of my depression that I've been trying to find for years. Now I know where to start my healing, finally. Thank you so much.
This hits so close to home. I've known for a while that for the entirety of my marriage, things weren't right. But taking a step back, my entire life has been one of "If I try a little harder..." then they'll see I'm a good person. But instead, I am met with criticism. And after decades of trying to be the best husband, father, protector, and provider, I'm just a shell, a broken man who fluctuates between depression and resentment, knowing that leaving will destroy the only means of escape from what is my life.
Raised by narcissistic mother, and father who was the enabler. He, listened to EVERYTHING she told him. When she was talking, she was lying 😩😭😭. I was the scapegoat so I had all the responsibilities of household…cleaning, cooking, laundry, care of sister 9 years younger…..I, was groomed to be the mother. She abdicated her role as mother. So, I carried the mommy mentality into adulthood. Probably never turn it off, but I’m learning that I need to not be an over giver…stand up for myself, establish boundaries. Thank you for your work. I’m learning, growing, thriving.
Wow this all feels so extremely right. The feeling of being “needed” it’s so true that it just feels like you are trying to fill something in yourself.
Omg. That was me, the adult child! I went shopping for my mother @ 3 years old! She told me all her problems. She couldn't speak English language well, always with German words in her sentences. I constantly corrected her & taught her English. If I said anything about what I did or how I felt she had to relate a story about herself & it totally negated what I had to say. I had to always help with cooking & cleaning from a very early age so that I'd know what to do later she said. 4 years old was too young. I often felt like I was the adult helping my mother & younger sister grow up. I began your classic co dependant always in a narcissistic relationship. I'm 62 now & finally trying to just keep myself happy & learning to sometimes say no when others want help. Thank you for this video, I finally understand my past much better. I guess it's never too late to change.
Absolutely! It’s just a matter of recognizing certain patterns of behaviors within us and consciously choosing how are you want to handle situations going forward. That then creates change within you so you are no longer codependent
I did it for my mom as well since childhood always demanded to help her with housework 😌 working since my early age at 11 yrs old earnings money to support my family
I've messed up my relationship so badly because I'm like this and didn't even realize that's what it was, until now. I hate myself for my incompetence. I've really messed up. And have probably now lost a relationship that means so much to me. I've probably lost her love and respect. I deserve this. I should have made sure that I wasn't this messed up. All I feel right now is despair. I'm so tired.
Your videos have been so helpful as my marriage is coming to an end and I am realizing how codependent I became over the last couple of years. Thank you! ❤
I’ve grown so much in the last year doing my “work” and I thank you and a few other youtubers for helping me reframe the way I think and start standing up for myself in healthy ways, having standards, and standing firm in them. ☺️💜 I love you Steph!
Yes exactly what I’ve come to tell myself... I know my truth & I stand firm! No matter how much someone tries to manipulate my emotions, create guilt or whatever, I stand firm because I matter too!!
Evonnieui Payne personal development school with Tai Gibson & Briana Macwilliam have really helped me to integrate my attachment style into a less anxious one and be able to become more secure within myself in situations where my partner “needs some time to himself” and I used to take that as “he doesn’t love me he’s abandoning me” when in reality he’s human and he is a busy man and doesn’t always have the energy to spend time and do things with me... Teal Swan is a good channel as well for more of a spiritual explanation of shadow work and she goes a little deeper into the mystic arts of the world we live in not sure if you’re open to that but I’d give her a shot as well, she helped me integrate my spiritual side that I didn’t even know I had lol good luck 💕
I've just fully realized that I am very codependent, deep down I don't believe that I matter and that seeps trough every interaction in my daily life. My self worth is like a house of cards, I build it up and with a gust of wind it's all blown away again, with every criticism or people around me who don't see me as strong and intelligent. I rely so much on the responses I get, when the response isn't about me really. I tend to fight for people's love and admiration, I throw myself to their feet and want to make them see that I am now worthy, as I wasn't before. This is going to be tough, but I know I won't stop until I am happy with myself, without letting anyone else having a say in it.
You matter. You are made in the image of God. That is of immeasurable value. I hope you are doing well. God had to reveal to me that my biggest struggle, why I always self sabatoged was because of a deep sense of unworthiness. He kept showing me my value to Him and my purpose, exposing the lies. You are loved of God. His unconditional love holds me together. And in case you are wondering who this God of unsurpassed love is, His name is Jesus. He said I have come that they might have life and life more abundantly. God bless you dear heart!! Grace and peace to you. You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. I am still healing, but I am enjoying freedom.
Hannah, think of it this way.. You have acknowledged it, and now you can grow. Knowing is a great start to grow. Be easy on you... Today is a new day.. Baby steps.. You can do it ❤️
This is me to a T, in my childhood anger in my family was displayed as rage and sadness was suppressed. I didn't see anger or sadness in an acceptable form, those emotions scared me - so I suppressed them. I was the people-pleaser who walked on eggshells to maintain the family dynamic - I continued this into my relationships trying to keep everyone else happy and minimise my own emotions that weren't deemed as acceptable. I'm actually surprisingly proud of my strength in that I managed to neglect my emotional self for years without breaking. Even now I'm parenting myself and have found that my family can't hold space for me, my display of healthy anger, boundaries and sadness are met with the belief that I'm 'too much' and negative. It hurts to hear these things but I accept how I feel and that how I show up is my priority, it's scary doing the work with emotions that most people learn as children, but I'll get there and I accept where I am now. I no longer want to abandon and partaking in minimising how I feel, I'm learning to say no 😊🥹 Awareness of your insecurities is the first step.
You said it well but I'll explain it in my words too for people who have a brain like mine. Having a sense of self or sense of identity and loving and respecting yourself means that you actually value whatever you truly think and feel and are able to think for yourself and get answers from within, even if others disagree or reject you for it or aren't willing to meet your needs or it's against societies beliefs and values. Loving other people is having respect for what THEY think and feel and caring about their well being and perspective. So caring about you is caring about you, caring about others is caring about them, and both are equally important. Co-dependence is when you disregard what you think and feel, in order to comply to or be accepted by another person. As well as when you need their validation in order to feel ok about you. Don't get me wrong, love is a beautiful thing. But co-dependence is not love for someone else, it is a lack of love for yourself. It doesn't stem from love, it stems from insecurity and fear and not being grounded in who you are. If you are lucky enough to find TRUE love then it'll be amazing because you don't have to give up yourself, you can actually be yourself and be loved for who you are and you and your partner will be equal and gifts to each other, not someone having the upper hand and just sorta abusing you with it. If people are jerking each other around, it's not a mature relationship. And I think part of finding love is finding someone that's right for you specifically and who you are as a person. If anyone would be right for you because you'll just comply to them and don't have your own opinions or feelings or values then you don't have a sense of self, or a sense of who you are I mean.
I believe I become codependent when I'm in a relationship. I always put in more effort and have that need to know where I stand in the relationship at all times. Also, I noticed that after every month together I question where is the relationship going. I aware of this now and so I'm mindful of my emotions. I try to deal with these insecurities on my own. My mom and dad divorced when I was 8 yrs old and it was like my dad divorced me. I rarely heard from him afterward. He did not attend any of my big milestones like sweet 16, or any of my graduations. I forgave him for all and we have a relationship but I think I still carry that childhood trauma. We were very close when I was a child.
my story is very similar. my mother left when i was a baby, and only popped in and out a couple times. i didn’t think her being absent affected me that much until i started watching videos like these and actually facing my emotions and thought patterns.
😭😭😭😭 wow this is me . I was always the grown up and still am with my family. She also depends on me too much. She didn’t even want me to move out and would guilt trip me.🤣
I loved the detailed explanation. I realized last week this is how I have been operating in my entire life. What a relief to put a name to my behavior. I started questioning why I was afraid to speak up and why I would go above and beyond to assist people. And I was told, I'm codependent. I started looking up what that means. I know it sounds weird but I'm grateful to know this. Now change can begin.
I lost my mum five years ago and was in a codependent relationship with a narcissist for four years after losing her. Never really had the chance to get to know myself and respect myself and be proud of myself. Currently living alone in my early twenties, working, have a pet, graduated undergrad, and still find myself feeling inadequate. I have struggled so much with boundaries and insecurities and feeling like I have no idea who I am. Simply commenting on this video is my first practice of asking myself what I want and feel. Here’s to the first steps of healing. Thanks Steph.
Am in a similar situation. Was in a relationship with a narc. Am alone now and trying to navigate life like this. I never know what I want or need. Even when I sit down and ask myself I can't figure it out. I am also dealing with s lot of guilt surrounding doing what is good for me. Its almost like, when I'm finally doing what I want and need I can't enjoy it because I'm feeling guilty..
Stephanie, this video really hit home with me. My empathy, people pleasing,codependency developed from a childhood emotional wound that never healed. Through counseling and your wonderful information i have come to learn that my happiness, my feeling of being good enough comes through validating myself, and not from others. My worthiness , my happiness is my responsibility. As you mentioned, being helpful and doing for others is great as long as it's done for the right reasons.
A very clear explanation. After a traumatic life event, I’m re-examining EVERYTHING. I can see a lot of myself in your explanation but when doing things for others, the thought of getting something out of it wasn’t a conscious motive. It was more about: ‘ I understand what it means to hurt and would like to ease the hurt of others if I can’ or Bring a smile to someone each time I think of them. But I’m just now realizing I gave far too much love to others and have felt unworthy of it myself.
I was the closest to my sister since childhood. I cared about her but I was also jealous of her. I didn't want to see her in pain but couldn't see her in relationship with other people. After all these years, she stopped being on my side. She stopped giving me time and I had nobody to turn to. It has been the most difficult phase for me.
I grew up having to walk on eggshells around my mother- I know now that she has depression and some other mental illnesses going on but as a kid it was always whatever her mood was was for the entire house. Any little thing could set her off. I got in a car accident and I was afraid to call her because the car now had a dent in it, I was so scared of what she’d say. I thought when I left home these issues would magically disappear but they’ve manifested in other ways. I have had a history of bad romantic relationships, the most recent being very codependent, me giving everything for someone who refuses to get up off the couch. Therapy is not available to me because money so UA-cam is the best I can do in terms of learning about mental health. Thank you so much for providing free content- and best of luck to anyone out there on a similar journey. :)
Thank you for the video Stephanie! Can you please do a series on the journey to Interdependence, and how to go from insecure attachment to secure attachment style. Healing from codependency takes a lot of listening to your inner voice. The same voice that was ignored in the first place, and TRUSTING that that inner voice will lead you in the right direction. With that said, it's hard as heck at first, but gets better, and the results are definitely worth it.
That would be amazing!! I struggle with being independent. And I’m 29 :/ my bf just broke up with me and I’m devastated. I want to be independent (move out of my parents one day) but I feel like I don’t know how to do anything. I work but I don’t Have a “career.” didn’t go to college. I’ve never been motivated. I’ve always just wanted to be a wife. This is really hard for me to even share. I really need help with this.
@@stephw3475 Im in a similar situation! And I know how you feel. I still live at home with family too and I hoping to move out and live on my own someday. I am in my 30s. I also just want to get married again and have a family someday
Not if you’re an empowered empath. Co dependence is NOT an empath “thing” it’s a human thing. I know plenty of non empaths that are codependent. Sadly those that have been working on healing themselves may find themselves forced to stay in this energy bc of the pandemic. That’s what the powers that be want - to stay in control and keep people in separation labeling it as social distancing to keep us “safe.” I feel for those that are trying to move away from negative attachments to only have this pandemic halt any progress forward. You have more power than u realize ✨😀 Stay healthy and positive
TheKperdue Its what happens when you are Constantly criticised, never deemed good enough, undermined in everything you do (for them), and made to feel a failure and inadequate in every possible way. It’s bullying.
This is such an important topic, being in a state of lack is never healthy, we need to work on ourselves and deal with our internal issues before we enter into a relationship. I have been in codependent relationships before and I have also been codependent and had codependent partners but it is definitely a learning experience! SELF LOVE COMES FIRST!
This is the 4th video Ive watched of yours re. codependency and this one hit me so hard, Im literally in tears right now. What you made me realise which is something I didnt realise before is that I became a codependent because at a very young age I was a carer for my mother. She didnt choose to be ill but I had to become an adult at a very young age. From caring for my mother it became a habit of mine to start wanting to care for others. Ive been suffering with mental health issues for many years and recently I started getting into yoga and alot of your tips ties in with practising yoga - being more in tune with yourself, slowing down, being more selfish and giving that time for yourself on your yoga mat. Ive written down so many notes and Im really determined to finally create a new identity for myself - one thats more empowering where I am comfortable with being uncomfortable by setting myself boundaries and reinforcing that so I can love myself more and know that I truly am enough. God bless you
This is the best explanation of codependency I’ve ever seen. So thorough and relatable, especially the part where you explain a child having to experience things at an age that makes them concerned more about others than discovering who they are. Thank you for your wonderful insight and great presentation. I always get so much out of your videos. 🙏🏽
I had no idea what codependency was really until now... I was definitely awakened by this video, it’s a a-ha moment for sure ❤️ thank you for all your videos.
Being uncomfortable around people who are not doing as well as I brings on intense guilt for me sometimes; completely hijacks my focus if I'm not mindful...I really appreciated this upload.👍
I literally make up things to tell people why I'm upset when I "randomly" get really upset. I'm really starting to see how _bad_ I've let it get, and _how long_ I've lived this way. I can't remember ever not feeling like this. I hope I pull off this whole "have an actually healthy life" thing off, because now that I know it's suffering, it is intolerable.
Omg you just described me perfectly!!! Sadly I fell hard for a narcissist now I am looking to heal...... this her is so me! Always trying to “save” ppl
Stephanie, your talk was awesome, so right on as far as I am concerned. You could have been talking about me, I’m now a senior and that is the story of my life, falling in the trap over and over again. I keep suffering the pain of it. 😢
You are awesome Stephanie! I'm going through a divorce with a Narcissist husband. I allowed myself to fall due him when wasn't open about his past that he continues to live with a 2 year pattern. Met 5 years ago. Married 3 years ago. I failed to see the red flags. He said what I wanted to hear but didn't live it. He rejected our blended family. He did get what he wants or gets angry and runs off for hours sometimes days and didn't say where. I stood by his side even when he went to prison for 3rd DWI and I didn't know he had the other DWIs. I supported him financially and spiritually when he was locked up and he promised that he would go to church with me when he got out, promised to do family things, promised to change his partying friends, promise not to hurt me, promise to get our own place. Once he was released all promises were broken. In process of him signing the divorce papers but something always comes up with him. I started listening to you and have helped me not feel so alone and afraid. Thanks for the couregment!
David Hill: 😂Childhood abandonment - “I’m not enough” - Low self esteem “pleaser” - validation from others as a fix for low self esteem - feeling needed - no sense of self - push over! hiding anger- suppression and “stuffing down” of feelings - rescuing - and resulting resentment - “covert” control issues - BINGO Stephanie you got me🙂!! - great thorough explanation of something that has plagued me throughout my life. (Mothers fixer/ protector in a violent addicted household) David Hill
Oh my!😳this is me and I didn't even know it!!!!. I guess this is way I allow my son's father be a narcassist in my life. Because I just want everyone to be happy even if I'm NOT. 😕 THANKS for all your helpful videos💜
In recent weeks & months, it has been made aware to me that I am a "codependent" which at first was a scary thought. But since starting to read Melody Beatties codependency, codependent no more, and listening to these amazing video talks, I'm hoping there is a way forward to change this in me. 🙏
Crying right now because in 3 minutes you pretty much sussed me out. I know my Co dependency came from having an abusive, unavailable, narcissistic father so i was always trying to get him to see how kind, loving caring, intelligent, funny, etc i was. My moms a co dependent & i watched her running herself rugged taking care of everyone & fixing everyone else's problems & so i have also been doing that too. Now in my 30s after toxic friends siblings, being used & abused I'm learning to step back. I need to heal from this & learn no matter how hard it is that it's OK to care for myself first. Others may not like this & i'm learning to be fine with that too.
I've been an Empath since birth . It has been a gift . I've always been A very Strong person / Leader . I have mentored many Codependents . The hard part is breaking the cycle in them. They have such low self esteem it seems they are fine around me because I give them strength and once on their own they usually fall apart. It can be a struggle to actually lift someone out of this. I myself never had these issues. From the start I was very strong and believed in myself and my abilities. I find helping others with Codependency to be great feeling knowing that my strength can make them feel better and go on to accomplish great things .
Codependence is so much more complex than this video explains. The chance that you have attachment issues is also high so one would have to deal with that as well.
The first 6 years where amazing in my life because i ws raised by my grandmother and aunts and uncle. It all changed when i came to the united states and "reunited" with my mother and her new life. She was so toxic and lacked empathy. My life became a rollercoaster and had that burden of raising my half brother at age 7 all throughout my life. Despite having a hard life, if it was not for the first 6 years of being raised in a loving home full of empathy and compassion, i would be dead, but i recognize that i am codependent and empathic and feel emotions. I give too much and it is exhausting.
I think this is one of my favorite videos you've made. Everything you said was so enlightening! I feel seen and I finally understand why I am the way I am. I always thought I was just super nurturing, but I do tend to subconsciously put other's needs before my own. Thankfully, I have lately been making sure that I feel like I'm taking care of myself first - making sure my cup is full. So thank you for this video and honestly, all of them. You have helped SO much!
I am extremely codependent and it’s starting to affect me in every single aspect of my life. I really appreciate your videos as they’ve been helping me figure out myself and how to improve myself before seeking to help and improve others.
I feel like practicing boundaries with your boss and not acting codependent with them is not necessarily easy. I struggle to find a balance between keeping boundaries/staying true to yourself when you have to listen to someone in a position of authority. I want to speak my truth but not to the point of where I step on my manager's toes and potentially lose harmony working with them.
Man this really resonates...I’m a recovering love addict and identify as an empath. It definitely stemmed from childhood from me lacking that emotional connection from my parents. You explain this so well!
Narcissist mother trained co-dependent children. To serve and accommodate themselves. Causing extreme difficulty and healthy relationships, and healthy attachment and healthy self identity.
great video! It is so important to understand WHY we do the things that we do in life, and it all starts from a time and experiences that we don't even remember.
I know this is totally irrelevant and utterly superficial, but I have say, apart from how incredibly insightful her talk is, she has the best make up look I've seen.
There is what is called healthy narcissist where you put your self first. Like saying no. Helps to speak up and practice having backbone seeing people will walk on you. Give a little and they take advantage of you
I had a great childhood. My parents weren’t abusive or toxic. Of course, they weren’t perfect and had their flaws like any other parent. I was wondering if my co-dependency came from the rejection I felt from my peers at school. Being heavy and having acne made me a target for ridicule. Kids my age were mean to me when I did nothing wrong. Guys were never into me. Even my two older brothers were mean to me and poked fun at my appearance. I came to the inclusion at such a young age that I had to be beautiful in order to get love and attention. Over the years, I became quite obsessive over my appearance. I think my feelings of unworthiness and low self esteem is what attracted toxic people to me. They mirrored how I felt about myself and that I deserved to be mistreated.
Very good. Put words to my experience of feeling the need to 'take care of my mom', emotionally and whatever else she put on me or I sensed....icky. Taken me 38 years of peeling the onion to feel like I've gotten to the root of the root! Thankfully I'm still young and my daughter is under 2 so I can be more aware and work toward greater healing 🙏
THANK YOU SO MUCH! This resonates BIG time about things I've always been aware of on some level. I've never heard it explained so concisely and specifically & it makes SO much sense! Thank you for spelling it out so well. God Bless You, your family and the work that you do! Lots of love & gratitude!! XO
Whew…. Ive always been told I was different. Friends, relationships & family members always told me I was too sensitive… I never understood because I always felt that I was just trying to be a great gf, sister, daughter or friend… I learned to suppress my emotions but in turn Ive felt depressed for years… never feeling comfortable enough to talk about it with anyone because again I thought something was wrong with me… Ive always thought up until this moment that something was wrong with me. Even though this video basically is saying there is something abnormal about me, I at least am understanding the core issue. Really want to work on myself because being codependent has cost me alot…. I hope all codependents end up working through their issues ♥️🙏🏽
You just answered so many questions about myself. You hit the nail on the head about my childhood and caring for my disabled mom. Although it is out of love, my internal desire is to make sure others are happy first leaving myself to the very last. Time to adjust....thank you.
I was in a 5 year relationship and we were both codependent. Luckily for both of us my ex learned of codependency and broke us off and break our cycle. Since then I’ve been trying to learn so that I can heal. I use to believe that a lot of this mental health stuff was because people needed to just shake things off or I was too weak but now I see I was wrong and it takes strength to open up and admit you have an issue. Thank you for this video and all the help.
This definitely describes me. I'm also dating a bpd woman, so this personality combination has made the relationship a roller coaster. I need to assert my feelings and needs more often.
Thanks so much Stephanie. You really explain this so well. I'd begun to deal with growing up in an alcoholic and other types of neglect and dysfunctional family in my thirties, but I've gotten away from it over the years. Going to CODA mtgs helped a lot, which I think I need to go back to when this quarantine is over. Some people tend to glom onto others too much, which I do in my friendships, but when it come to love, I've been pretty alone much my whole life. I liken my lack of actual parenting to sins of omission. Childhood emotional neglect...it's not for the faint of heart. Thanks again. Love your channel.
You have saved my life! It’s been a year since I left a 26 yr marriage from my NPD soulmate. I’m still currently homeless because I’ve refused to go back. Now here you are again in the healing me process.
Another amazing video! I had to be an adult, care for my ill brother since when I was child, my parents shared that responsibility with me. And that set a pattern in my life and caused me great damage on many levels that only recently I could fully break free from it! So what you are saying is very serious and I can validate that from my own experiences.Thanks a lot for all knowledge and wisdom you share!!! Always grateful! 😘
Thanks dear Stephanie for this amazing and very good explanation My partner said I am codependent and I wasn't aware of this... This is absolutely me and I am feeling very miserable but I will take this as a opportunity to grow and develop xox
Recently met two people who were extremely needy. It was a struggle to push bad and not pick there people up and take them home with me. I’ve been aware of being co dependent for about 20 years now and thought I’d licked it. I see, I have not. When I meet someone in distress, I wanna dive all in to fix them and their issues. To help them not struggle with whatever it may be. Working with a professional now, we have discussed my need to establish boundaries…to stand up for me..and that people need to help themselves. I cannot sacrifice myself to save others. That, is what I did decades ago when I was in a romantic relationship. The person had a substance abuse problem and instead of running the other way, I felt a strong need to love him and save him from himself. Well, THAT didn’t work 😩😟💔. All I got was heartache, financial ruin, headache, ETC. I thank you for your work. I’m learning, growing, beginning to thrive.
Thank you Stephanie. Your explanation of codependency was right on. I experienced this in my childhood and it has affected my adulthood. I did not know the way I am is because the way I was raised but it all makes sense now. I hope and pray using your teaching that I can improve thank you again.
I've been watching your videos for over 7-8 months now and I've never commented before, but I had to tell you that this video might be the best up to date, truly!! It was so concise and to the point, but you also managed to touch on and include everything and go in depth, and all of that in under 15 minutes. Thanks a million for this, it was really helpful 💛 Ps: I related to basically every point xD
My parents didn't let me do a certain thing, because they treated me like a child, even though I was 14, but they were expecting me to thank them and worry about how stupid I am that I'm not up to their expectations and at least to suffer emotionally if not physically for their efforts and because they are not good enough. That could be an explanation for my codependency
I was codependent with my mother until she died 22 years ago. Also, I felt that way in relationships but, never to the point of giving up what I knew was wrong. I fought every step of the way when I knew I was being treated badly. Even with my mom. And being alone is a treasure for me!!"
Wow Stephanie, this information gave me the answer to what I have been looking for. How did I become codependent. And its bc my parents always told me literally everything and I feel like I am the parent. Wow!! I always knew that that was not healthy (them telling me everything), but had no idea that its what led me to codependency. Now that my parents are in their golden years its even worse, but I am committed to healing and living my best life. Thank you for all that you do bc you are helping many people like me. God bless! 🤗🙏🏻
IVe noticed that when I stop certain thoughts about certain people I want on my side life; I realize; those thoughts are gone and so are the subjects of those thought. they are gone; I realize those people I knew as young and trusted; they were never my friends. Suddenly I look around in my mind and Im completely alone and dont know who or what to reach out to in order to do anything. I feel completely displaced. However, being allot older now; I am ready to let go of thoughts and see what is in front of me... Understand that I want or need something in front of me that will not come from my thoughts of old. I feel sad that I have to let go of the old thoughts of people and places and things that will never be. Its a form of grief. Ive noticed that I have " now" thoughts. What do I want to do right now.. Go fishing", go singing; I dont know... Negative thoughts get in concerning money; Ill try to let them pass me by and see what happens. learn to be grateful for what I have; this is a real parlor trick...
Everything you said in here is deffenetly me and now I need to start thinking about myself and help myself before trying to help everyone else I thank you for this and I have enjoy all of your videos on here.
You described me and my life experience perfectly. Your videos are helping me through my healing journey. Thank you immensely for posting your videos. You are saving lives. ❤️🕊
Yes. Being a codependent hurts because you never really want to be alone because you equate it with some core shame that means you are not good enough.
Author Janae Marie it’s funny you say that cause I remember when I was single three years ago I felt embarrassed going to family parties alone. I definitely felt shame. I guess I internalized that being single was embarrassing
Meghan Wilcox Yeah. I felt that feeling before. I am learning to work on myself and my self-worth.
Author Janae Marie well said👍
Thank you thank you thank you
Well spoken !!! Alack of self love is the root cause of all suffering in this universe!!!!! Know your worth and increase your value !!!!
This is hitting me so hard right now. I have been co-dependent in all of my relationships. I tolerate things I shouldn’t until I can’t take it anymore. I have trouble saying No and I take the low road all the time. Basically I’ve allowed myself to be walked on to keep relationships. I have some deep personal work to do.
Same here
You're not alone mate
Me too....making a lot of progress now 🐣
Same here
SSame
It's a very traumatic experience to be rejected by parents during the childhood.
Even though we might not remember it, the experience forms the character that build adult relationships in an anxious way.
You’ve described my LIFE (so far) to the T!!!!!!! Creepy.. literally rejected by parents and caregivers.. I’m codependent and a definite anxiously attached person...maybe because deep down I’m scared of it happening again... my biggest wish is to break free of this...
so true... my biological dad left my mom before I was born so I had no father growing up and I used to live with my grandparents until I was 12 years old bc my mom was too young and went out of country to study. I was treated like an outcast bc I had no parents and I feel so abandoned. I started living with my mom and my step-dad later but was treated really badly. Rejection in terms of this and many more is literally all I have experienced in life
Yes . My mother was an abusive mother . I always felt invisible and not loved . I was taken off her and out into foster care for ten years . I’m nearly 40 years of age now . I’ve either attracted avoident or narcissist types . I’ve realized I’ve had to do a lot of healing, hence the reason I’ve been single 4 years now . I’ve recently met a kind, gently type of man that is a breath of fresh air . I never new what healthy love was . Hopefully I can her this right at 40 :). My mother to this day denies any abuse .. I’ve recently cut her off so I can heal . Do dependent no more !:)
O'SSÉIN 100%
You're here too
I’m in the deep anger stage right now. I’m cutting people off from left to right. I don’t know how to establish proper boundaries without coming off as an egotistical tyrant. All I know is I am so sick and tired of living the life I have been living. 29 years of complete and utter hell.
Wow. As I grew up I was always told that I was too sensitive and had low self-esteem. I was insecure. My mom didn't really like for me to express my feelings. If I felt upset about something I was told to simply get over it and let it go. I didn't feel like my feelings mattered. So I learned how to supress my emotions and get attention from other people.
same here, i was invalidated, not seen nor heard when i was a child. because i was told that i was oversensitive, petty, emotional, couldnt take a criticism, everything became my fault naturally. i was blamed for things that had nothing to do with me. even till today, being blamed or pointed fingers at triggers me. i immediately get into this freeze situation where i start defending and explaining myself and my choices. i do realize this therefore im working hard to heal and reparent myself.
Me too
@@matchalatte4101 I am the same way now as an adult. Trying to work on truly accepting my self is hard work.
It just takes practice and song it as much as you can. You will 1,000% get there. You just will not always see the progress u til you are out of the weeds.
So sad ❤️😕
I purposefully have been taking the time to be my own friend for the first time in years, and I'm about 3 months in and love the quiet ❤️. The acceptance thst comes from being okay when being alone is wonderful.
I totally agree I’ve just came out of a 5 year toxic relationship and I am loving to space and feeling safe again 🙂
Congratulations for doing this for yourself. I’m also on a similar journey. 😊
I hear you, Madison. I have experienced this as well. I think it all comes down to loving ourselves as is, flaws and all, not worrying about impressing people, but just being authentic and trusting each moment is exactly as it was meant to be. 💛💛💛
Its so peaceful...no problems from a narc
Congratulations! I’m Happy to Hear you made it out🙌🏼🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
When you said that codependent people suppress their own thoughts and feelings and that either leads to randomly act out or suppress it forever and get depressed, with literally one sentence, you helped me understand the reason of my depression that I've been trying to find for years. Now I know where to start my healing, finally.
Thank you so much.
I’m
This hits so close to home. I've known for a while that for the entirety of my marriage, things weren't right. But taking a step back, my entire life has been one of "If I try a little harder..." then they'll see I'm a good person. But instead, I am met with criticism. And after decades of trying to be the best husband, father, protector, and provider, I'm just a shell, a broken man who fluctuates between depression and resentment, knowing that leaving will destroy the only means of escape from what is my life.
Raised by narcissistic mother, and father who was the enabler. He, listened to EVERYTHING she told him. When she was talking, she was lying 😩😭😭. I was the scapegoat so I had all the responsibilities of household…cleaning, cooking, laundry, care of sister 9 years younger…..I, was groomed to be the mother. She abdicated her role as mother. So, I carried the mommy mentality into adulthood. Probably never turn it off, but I’m learning that I need to not be an over giver…stand up for myself, establish boundaries. Thank you for your work. I’m learning, growing, thriving.
Wow this all feels so extremely right. The feeling of being “needed” it’s so true that it just feels like you are trying to fill something in yourself.
Omg. That was me, the adult child! I went shopping for my mother @ 3 years old! She told me all her problems. She couldn't speak English language well, always with German words in her sentences. I constantly corrected her & taught her English. If I said anything about what I did or how I felt she had to relate a story about herself & it totally negated what I had to say. I had to always help with cooking & cleaning from a very early age so that I'd know what to do later she said. 4 years old was too young.
I often felt like I was the adult helping my mother & younger sister grow up.
I began your classic co dependant always in a narcissistic relationship.
I'm 62 now & finally trying to just keep myself happy & learning to sometimes say no when others want help.
Thank you for this video, I finally understand my past much better.
I guess it's never too late to change.
Absolutely! It’s just a matter of recognizing certain patterns of behaviors within us and consciously choosing how are you want to handle situations going forward. That then creates change within you so you are no longer codependent
I did it for my mom as well since childhood always demanded to help her with housework 😌 working since my early age at 11 yrs old earnings money to support my family
💜💜💜
I've messed up my relationship so badly because I'm like this and didn't even realize that's what it was, until now.
I hate myself for my incompetence. I've really messed up. And have probably now lost a relationship that means so much to me. I've probably lost her love and respect.
I deserve this. I should have made sure that I wasn't this messed up.
All I feel right now is despair. I'm so tired.
Your videos have been so helpful as my marriage is coming to an end and I am realizing how codependent I became over the last couple of years. Thank you! ❤
Everyone is messed up and we all need therapy
Facts!!!!
Lol meaning the therapist is also messed up 🤔🤣
So true. This is exactly what my therapist said. We are all messed up to varying degrees.
I’ve grown so much in the last year doing my “work” and I thank you and a few other youtubers for helping me reframe the way I think and start standing up for myself in healthy ways, having standards, and standing firm in them. ☺️💜 I love you Steph!
Yes exactly what I’ve come to tell myself... I know my truth & I stand firm! No matter how much someone tries to manipulate my emotions, create guilt or whatever, I stand firm because I matter too!!
what are those other you tubers??
Evonnieui Payne personal development school with Tai Gibson & Briana Macwilliam have really helped me to integrate my attachment style into a less anxious one and be able to become more secure within myself in situations where my partner “needs some time to himself” and I used to take that as “he doesn’t love me he’s abandoning me” when in reality he’s human and he is a busy man and doesn’t always have the energy to spend time and do things with me... Teal Swan is a good channel as well for more of a spiritual explanation of shadow work and she goes a little deeper into the mystic arts of the world we live in not sure if you’re open to that but I’d give her a shot as well, she helped me integrate my spiritual side that I didn’t even know I had lol good luck 💕
@@vixenxiiiv thank you so so much!!!
I've just fully realized that I am very codependent, deep down I don't believe that I matter and that seeps trough every interaction in my daily life.
My self worth is like a house of cards, I build it up and with a gust of wind it's all blown away again, with every criticism or people around me who don't see me as strong and intelligent. I rely so much on the responses I get, when the response isn't about me really. I tend to fight for people's love and admiration, I throw myself to their feet and want to make them see that I am now worthy, as I wasn't before. This is going to be tough, but I know I won't stop until I am happy with myself, without letting anyone else having a say in it.
without letting anyone else have a say in it
@@RLifestyle453 exactly
You matter. You are made in the image of God. That is of immeasurable value. I hope you are doing well. God had to reveal to me that my biggest struggle, why I always self sabatoged was because of a deep sense of unworthiness. He kept showing me my value to Him and my purpose, exposing the lies. You are loved of God. His unconditional love holds me together. And in case you are wondering who this God of unsurpassed love is, His name is Jesus. He said I have come that they might have life and life more abundantly. God bless you dear heart!! Grace and peace to you. You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. I am still healing, but I am enjoying freedom.
This is amazing. You've described my life to the letter...so sad
Same here I always have put others before me since I got out of high school.
Hannah, think of it this way.. You have acknowledged it, and now you can grow. Knowing is a great start to grow. Be easy on you... Today is a new day.. Baby steps.. You can do it ❤️
Yup mine too
Wow this is s true
The biggest problem with loving and caring more than everybody else, is that they end up using you like a doormat.
Really not taking care of yourself or making people feel comfortable around makes sense now..
This is me to a T, in my childhood anger in my family was displayed as rage and sadness was suppressed. I didn't see anger or sadness in an acceptable form, those emotions scared me - so I suppressed them. I was the people-pleaser who walked on eggshells to maintain the family dynamic - I continued this into my relationships trying to keep everyone else happy and minimise my own emotions that weren't deemed as acceptable. I'm actually surprisingly proud of my strength in that I managed to neglect my emotional self for years without breaking. Even now I'm parenting myself and have found that my family can't hold space for me, my display of healthy anger, boundaries and sadness are met with the belief that I'm 'too much' and negative. It hurts to hear these things but I accept how I feel and that how I show up is my priority, it's scary doing the work with emotions that most people learn as children, but I'll get there and I accept where I am now. I no longer want to abandon and partaking in minimising how I feel, I'm learning to say no 😊🥹
Awareness of your insecurities is the first step.
Yesterday I was so happy. For the first time I enjoyed spending some time with myself. Stay hopeful everyone :)
You said it well but I'll explain it in my words too for people who have a brain like mine. Having a sense of self or sense of identity and loving and respecting yourself means that you actually value whatever you truly think and feel and are able to think for yourself and get answers from within, even if others disagree or reject you for it or aren't willing to meet your needs or it's against societies beliefs and values. Loving other people is having respect for what THEY think and feel and caring about their well being and perspective. So caring about you is caring about you, caring about others is caring about them, and both are equally important. Co-dependence is when you disregard what you think and feel, in order to comply to or be accepted by another person. As well as when you need their validation in order to feel ok about you. Don't get me wrong, love is a beautiful thing. But co-dependence is not love for someone else, it is a lack of love for yourself. It doesn't stem from love, it stems from insecurity and fear and not being grounded in who you are. If you are lucky enough to find TRUE love then it'll be amazing because you don't have to give up yourself, you can actually be yourself and be loved for who you are and you and your partner will be equal and gifts to each other, not someone having the upper hand and just sorta abusing you with it. If people are jerking each other around, it's not a mature relationship. And I think part of finding love is finding someone that's right for you specifically and who you are as a person. If anyone would be right for you because you'll just comply to them and don't have your own opinions or feelings or values then you don't have a sense of self, or a sense of who you are I mean.
I really like your comment and this sentence has just hit me : Codependency is not love for some else it's a lack of love for yourself. Thanks !
Well said, we are in 2024 and I just learn of this... and I am one, but I shall be delivered and healed.
I believe I become codependent when I'm in a relationship. I always put in more effort and have that need to know where I stand in the relationship at all times. Also, I noticed that after every month together I question where is the relationship going. I aware of this now and so I'm mindful of my emotions. I try to deal with these insecurities on my own. My mom and dad divorced when I was 8 yrs old and it was like my dad divorced me. I rarely heard from him afterward. He did not attend any of my big milestones like sweet 16, or any of my graduations. I forgave him for all and we have a relationship but I think I still carry that childhood trauma. We were very close when I was a child.
Omg this is my story too
my story is very similar. my mother left when i was a baby, and only popped in and out a couple times. i didn’t think her being absent affected me that much until i started watching videos like these and actually facing my emotions and thought patterns.
😭😭😭😭 wow this is me . I was always the grown up and still am with my family. She also depends on me too much. She didn’t even want me to move out and would guilt trip me.🤣
I loved the detailed explanation.
I realized last week this is how I have been operating in my entire life.
What a relief to put a name to my behavior. I started questioning why I was afraid to speak up and why I would go above and beyond to assist people. And I was told, I'm codependent.
I started looking up what that means. I know it sounds weird but I'm grateful to know this. Now change can begin.
I lost my mum five years ago and was in a codependent relationship with a narcissist for four years after losing her. Never really had the chance to get to know myself and respect myself and be proud of myself. Currently living alone in my early twenties, working, have a pet, graduated undergrad, and still find myself feeling inadequate. I have struggled so much with boundaries and insecurities and feeling like I have no idea who I am.
Simply commenting on this video is my first practice of asking myself what I want and feel.
Here’s to the first steps of healing.
Thanks Steph.
Am in a similar situation. Was in a relationship with a narc. Am alone now and trying to navigate life like this. I never know what I want or need. Even when I sit down and ask myself I can't figure it out. I am also dealing with s lot of guilt surrounding doing what is good for me. Its almost like, when I'm finally doing what I want and need I can't enjoy it because I'm feeling guilty..
Stephanie, this video really hit home with me. My empathy, people pleasing,codependency developed from a childhood emotional wound that never healed. Through counseling and your wonderful information i have come to learn that my happiness, my feeling of being good enough comes through validating myself, and not from others. My worthiness , my happiness is my responsibility. As you mentioned, being helpful and doing for others is great as long as it's done for the right reasons.
Love hearing this!! 👍🙌
A very clear explanation. After a traumatic life event, I’m re-examining EVERYTHING. I can see a lot of myself in your explanation but when doing things for others, the thought of getting something out of it wasn’t a conscious motive. It was more about: ‘ I understand what it means to hurt and would like to ease the hurt of others if I can’ or Bring a smile to someone each time I think of them. But I’m just now realizing I gave far too much love to others and have felt unworthy of it myself.
I was the closest to my sister since childhood. I cared about her but I was also jealous of her. I didn't want to see her in pain but couldn't see her in relationship with other people. After all these years, she stopped being on my side. She stopped giving me time and I had nobody to turn to. It has been the most difficult phase for me.
I grew up having to walk on eggshells around my mother- I know now that she has depression and some other mental illnesses going on but as a kid it was always whatever her mood was was for the entire house. Any little thing could set her off. I got in a car accident and I was afraid to call her because the car now had a dent in it, I was so scared of what she’d say.
I thought when I left home these issues would magically disappear but they’ve manifested in other ways. I have had a history of bad romantic relationships, the most recent being very codependent, me giving everything for someone who refuses to get up off the couch.
Therapy is not available to me because money so UA-cam is the best I can do in terms of learning about mental health. Thank you so much for providing free content- and best of luck to anyone out there on a similar journey. :)
Thank you for the video Stephanie! Can you please do a series on the journey to Interdependence, and how to go from insecure attachment to secure attachment style.
Healing from codependency takes a lot of listening to your inner voice. The same voice that was ignored in the first place, and TRUSTING that that inner voice will lead you in the right direction.
With that said, it's hard as heck at first, but gets better, and the results are definitely worth it.
Absolutely!! Thanks for this
That would be amazing!! I struggle with being independent. And I’m 29 :/ my bf just broke up with me and I’m devastated. I want to be independent (move out of my parents one day) but I feel like I don’t know how to do anything. I work but I don’t Have a “career.” didn’t go to college. I’ve never been motivated. I’ve always just wanted to be a wife. This is really hard for me to even share. I really need help with this.
@@stephw3475 Im in a similar situation! And I know how you feel. I still live at home with family too and I hoping to move out and live on my own someday. I am in my 30s. I also just want to get married again and have a family someday
Jennifer MF not that I’m happy you’re in the situation. But I’m glad to know I’m not alone in this.
Steph G how are you feeling now? It’s been s three months ❤️
Not if you’re an empowered empath. Co dependence is NOT an empath “thing” it’s a human thing. I know plenty of non empaths that are codependent. Sadly those that have been working on healing themselves may find themselves forced to stay in this energy bc of the pandemic. That’s what the powers that be want - to stay in control and keep people in separation labeling it as social distancing to keep us “safe.” I feel for those that are trying to move away from negative attachments to only have this pandemic halt any progress forward. You have more power than u realize ✨😀 Stay healthy and positive
TheKperdue Its what happens when you are Constantly criticised, never deemed good enough, undermined in everything you do (for them), and made to feel a failure and inadequate in every possible way. It’s bullying.
This is such an important topic, being in a state of lack is never healthy, we need to work on ourselves and deal with our internal issues before we enter into a relationship. I have been in codependent relationships before and I have also been codependent and had codependent partners but it is definitely a learning experience! SELF LOVE COMES FIRST!
This is the 4th video Ive watched of yours re. codependency and this one hit me so hard, Im literally in tears right now. What you made me realise which is something I didnt realise before is that I became a codependent because at a very young age I was a carer for my mother. She didnt choose to be ill but I had to become an adult at a very young age. From caring for my mother it became a habit of mine to start wanting to care for others. Ive been suffering with mental health issues for many years and recently I started getting into yoga and alot of your tips ties in with practising yoga - being more in tune with yourself, slowing down, being more selfish and giving that time for yourself on your yoga mat. Ive written down so many notes and Im really determined to finally create a new identity for myself - one thats more empowering where I am comfortable with being uncomfortable by setting myself boundaries and reinforcing that so I can love myself more and know that I truly am enough. God bless you
All my life, all I knew is taking care of people but not myself. Thank you for this video.
This is the best explanation of codependency I’ve ever seen. So thorough and relatable, especially the part where you explain a child having to experience things at an age that makes them concerned more about others than discovering who they are. Thank you for your wonderful insight and great presentation. I always get so much out of your videos. 🙏🏽
I had no idea what codependency was really until now... I was definitely awakened by this video, it’s a a-ha moment for sure ❤️ thank you for all your videos.
Being uncomfortable around people who are not doing as well as I brings on intense guilt for me sometimes; completely hijacks my focus if I'm not mindful...I really appreciated this upload.👍
I literally make up things to tell people why I'm upset when I "randomly" get really upset. I'm really starting to see how _bad_ I've let it get, and _how long_ I've lived this way. I can't remember ever not feeling like this. I hope I pull off this whole "have an actually healthy life" thing off, because now that I know it's suffering, it is intolerable.
Omg you just described me perfectly!!! Sadly I fell hard for a narcissist now I am looking to heal...... this her is so me! Always trying to “save” ppl
Did that person call you the narcissist? Did you ever doubt yourself?
Stephanie, your talk was awesome, so right on as far as I am concerned. You could have been talking about me, I’m now a senior and that is the story of my life, falling in the trap over and over again. I keep suffering the pain of it. 😢
I’ve started healing and my eyes have been opened to other people’s emotional manipulation but I have learned I can’t fix them just respond to them.
You are awesome Stephanie! I'm going through a divorce with a Narcissist husband. I allowed myself to fall due him when wasn't open about his past that he continues to live with a 2 year pattern. Met 5 years ago. Married 3 years ago. I failed to see the red flags. He said what I wanted to hear but didn't live it. He rejected our blended family. He did get what he wants or gets angry and runs off for hours sometimes days and didn't say where. I stood by his side even when he went to prison for 3rd DWI and I didn't know he had the other DWIs. I supported him financially and spiritually when he was locked up and he promised that he would go to church with me when he got out, promised to do family things, promised to change his partying friends, promise not to hurt me, promise to get our own place. Once he was released all promises were broken. In process of him signing the divorce papers but something always comes up with him. I started listening to you and have helped me not feel so alone and afraid. Thanks for the couregment!
This sounds so painful. It’s been a while since you posted. I hope you’re better now. I wish you so much peace in your journey ❤️❤️❤️
David Hill: 😂Childhood abandonment - “I’m not enough” - Low self esteem “pleaser” - validation from others as a fix for low self esteem - feeling needed - no sense of self - push over! hiding anger- suppression and “stuffing down” of feelings - rescuing - and resulting resentment - “covert” control issues - BINGO Stephanie you got me🙂!! - great thorough explanation of something that has plagued me throughout my life. (Mothers fixer/ protector in a violent addicted household) David Hill
Oh my!😳this is me and I didn't even know it!!!!. I guess this is way I allow my son's father be a narcassist in my life. Because I just want everyone to be happy even if I'm NOT. 😕 THANKS for all your helpful videos💜
In recent weeks & months, it has been made aware to me that I am a "codependent" which at first was a scary thought.
But since starting to read Melody Beatties codependency, codependent no more, and listening to these amazing video talks, I'm hoping there is a way forward to change this in me. 🙏
Crying right now because in 3 minutes you pretty much sussed me out. I know my Co dependency came from having an abusive, unavailable, narcissistic father so i was always trying to get him to see how kind, loving caring, intelligent, funny, etc i was. My moms a co dependent & i watched her running herself rugged taking care of everyone & fixing everyone else's problems & so i have also been doing that too. Now in my 30s after toxic friends siblings, being used & abused I'm learning to step back. I need to heal from this & learn no matter how hard it is that it's OK to care for myself first. Others may not like this & i'm learning to be fine with that too.
I've been an Empath since birth . It has been a gift . I've always been A very Strong person / Leader . I have mentored many Codependents . The hard part is breaking the cycle in them. They have such low self esteem it seems they are fine around me because I give them strength and once on their own they usually fall apart. It can be a struggle to actually lift someone out of this. I myself never had these issues. From the start I was very strong and believed in myself and my abilities. I find helping others with Codependency to be great feeling knowing that my strength can make them feel better and go on to accomplish great things .
Codependence is so much more complex than this video explains. The chance that you have attachment issues is also high so one would have to deal with that as well.
The first 6 years where amazing in my life because i ws raised by my grandmother and aunts and uncle. It all changed when i came to the united states and "reunited" with my mother and her new life. She was so toxic and lacked empathy. My life became a rollercoaster and had that burden of raising my half brother at age 7 all throughout my life. Despite having a hard life, if it was not for the first 6 years of being raised in a loving home full of empathy and compassion, i would be
dead, but i recognize that i am codependent and empathic and feel emotions. I give too much and it is exhausting.
I think this is one of my favorite videos you've made. Everything you said was so enlightening! I feel seen and I finally understand why I am the way I am. I always thought I was just super nurturing, but I do tend to subconsciously put other's needs before my own. Thankfully, I have lately been making sure that I feel like I'm taking care of myself first - making sure my cup is full. So thank you for this video and honestly, all of them. You have helped SO much!
Yes your cup needs to be full. Love it!
I am extremely codependent and it’s starting to affect me in every single aspect of my life. I really appreciate your videos as they’ve been helping me figure out myself and how to improve myself before seeking to help and improve others.
This hitting me so hard my dad made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and I had to take care of my sister
I feel like practicing boundaries with your boss and not acting codependent with them is not necessarily easy. I struggle to find a balance between keeping boundaries/staying true to yourself when you have to listen to someone in a position of authority. I want to speak my truth but not to the point of where I step on my manager's toes and potentially lose harmony working with them.
Man this really resonates...I’m a recovering love addict and identify as an empath. It definitely stemmed from childhood from me lacking that emotional connection from my parents. You explain this so well!
Narcissist mother trained co-dependent children. To serve and accommodate themselves. Causing extreme difficulty and healthy relationships, and healthy attachment and healthy self identity.
great video! It is so important to understand WHY we do the things that we do in life, and it all starts from a time and experiences that we don't even remember.
I know this is totally irrelevant and utterly superficial, but I have say, apart from how incredibly insightful her talk is, she has the best make up look I've seen.
Oh wow, i am still codependent, i thought i healed a lot but i guess i still have a lot of work to do.
AMAZED 👏 I knew I was codependent but never knew where it stemmed from. THANK YOU for the much needed clarity!🙏
Learning these things & realising how parents my destroy my life which I may not repair anymore
There is what is called healthy narcissist where you put your self first. Like saying no. Helps to speak up and practice having backbone seeing people will walk on you. Give a little and they take advantage of you
I had a great childhood. My parents weren’t abusive or toxic. Of course, they weren’t perfect and had their flaws like any other parent. I was wondering if my co-dependency came from the rejection I felt from my peers at school. Being heavy and having acne made me a target for ridicule. Kids my age were mean to me when I did nothing wrong. Guys were never into me. Even my two older brothers were mean to me and poked fun at my appearance. I came to the inclusion at such a young age that I had to be beautiful in order to get love and attention. Over the years, I became quite obsessive over my appearance. I think my feelings of unworthiness and low self esteem is what attracted toxic people to me. They mirrored how I felt about myself and that I deserved to be mistreated.
Very good. Put words to my experience of feeling the need to 'take care of my mom', emotionally and whatever else she put on me or I sensed....icky. Taken me 38 years of peeling the onion to feel like I've gotten to the root of the root! Thankfully I'm still young and my daughter is under 2 so I can be more aware and work toward greater healing 🙏
THANK YOU SO MUCH! This resonates BIG time about things I've always been aware of on some level. I've never heard it explained so concisely and specifically & it makes SO much sense! Thank you for spelling it out so well. God Bless You, your family and the work that you do! Lots of love & gratitude!! XO
Whew…. Ive always been told I was different. Friends, relationships & family members always told me I was too sensitive… I never understood because I always felt that I was just trying to be a great gf, sister, daughter or friend… I learned to suppress my emotions but in turn Ive felt depressed for years… never feeling comfortable enough to talk about it with anyone because again I thought something was wrong with me… Ive always thought up until this moment that something was wrong with me. Even though this video basically is saying there is something abnormal about me, I at least am understanding the core issue. Really want to work on myself because being codependent has cost me alot…. I hope all codependents end up working through their issues ♥️🙏🏽
I am so grateful I found your channel 😊
You just answered so many questions about myself. You hit the nail on the head about my childhood and caring for my disabled mom. Although it is out of love, my internal desire is to make sure others are happy first leaving myself to the very last. Time to adjust....thank you.
I was in a 5 year relationship and we were both codependent. Luckily for both of us my ex learned of codependency and broke us off and break our cycle. Since then I’ve been trying to learn so that I can heal. I use to believe that a lot of this mental health stuff was because people needed to just shake things off or I was too weak but now I see I was wrong and it takes strength to open up and admit you have an issue. Thank you for this video and all the help.
This definitely describes me. I'm also dating a bpd woman, so this personality combination has made the relationship a roller coaster. I need to assert my feelings and needs more often.
This fits the glove and I want to change that.
Narcissistic childhood creates codependent behavior in addition to being an empath.
You explained this better than anything I've heard thank you.
Thank you for this, it means a lot and helpful to understand where the inner wound was!!
May you receive love and blessings✨🙏🏾🦋
Thanks so much Stephanie. You really explain this so well. I'd begun to deal with growing up in an alcoholic and other types of neglect and dysfunctional family in my thirties, but I've gotten away from it over the years. Going to CODA mtgs helped a lot, which I think I need to go back to when this quarantine is over. Some people tend to glom onto others too much, which I do in my friendships, but when it come to love, I've been pretty alone much my whole life. I liken my lack of actual parenting to sins of omission. Childhood emotional neglect...it's not for the faint of heart. Thanks again. Love your channel.
CODA meetings still available online on Zoom etc
Thank you, Stephanie. VERY painful realizations about the mindset of co-d.
You have saved my life! It’s been a year since I left a 26 yr marriage from my NPD soulmate. I’m still currently homeless because I’ve refused to go back. Now here you are again in the healing me process.
Are you ok? I hope so. 🙏
Another amazing video! I had to be an adult, care for my ill brother since when I was child, my parents shared that responsibility with me. And that set a pattern in my life and caused me great damage on many levels that only recently I could fully break free from it! So what you are saying is very serious and I can validate that from my own experiences.Thanks a lot for all knowledge and wisdom you share!!! Always grateful! 😘
This was the best video I have ever watched about codependency
Thanks dear Stephanie for this amazing and very good explanation
My partner said I am codependent and I wasn't aware of this...
This is absolutely me and I am feeling very miserable but I will take this as a opportunity to grow and develop xox
This is me☹️. I learned this in my early 30s and went to therapy; and it has creeped back in to my life 20 years later. I need to address it again. 😳
very clear and impressive explanation, as always, Stephanie! Much love to you and yours x
Recently met two people who were extremely needy. It was a struggle to push bad and not pick there people up and take them home with me. I’ve been aware of being co dependent for about 20 years now and thought I’d licked it. I see, I have not. When I meet someone in distress, I wanna dive all in to fix them and their issues. To help them not struggle with whatever it may be. Working with a professional now, we have discussed my need to establish boundaries…to stand up for me..and that people need to help themselves. I cannot sacrifice myself to save others. That, is what I did decades ago when I was in a romantic relationship. The person had a substance abuse problem and instead of running the other way, I felt a strong need to love him and save him from himself. Well, THAT didn’t work 😩😟💔. All I got was heartache, financial ruin, headache, ETC. I thank you for your work. I’m learning, growing, beginning to thrive.
It was kinda hard to sit and listen to this REALNESS! But I really needed to hear it put like this. In these exact words!!! Truth hurts....but helps.
😢 today I learn I am a codependent and it hurts. This video really help me in so many ways 👏👏.
Thank you Stephanie. Your explanation of codependency was right on. I experienced this in my childhood and it has affected my adulthood. I did not know the way I am is because the way I was raised but it all makes sense now. I hope and pray using your teaching that I can improve thank you again.
I've been watching your videos for over 7-8 months now and I've never commented before, but I had to tell you that this video might be the best up to date, truly!! It was so concise and to the point, but you also managed to touch on and include everything and go in depth, and all of that in under 15 minutes. Thanks a million for this, it was really helpful 💛
Ps: I related to basically every point xD
My parents didn't let me do a certain thing, because they treated me like a child, even though I was 14, but they were expecting me to thank them and worry about how stupid I am that I'm not up to their expectations and at least to suffer emotionally if not physically for their efforts and because they are not good enough. That could be an explanation for my codependency
"You don't like to live in a space of people not doing well....[focus] on yourself right now."
Now I know where to start my healing
You bring much wisdom to a very touchy subject. Your content is to the point.
I was codependent with my mother until she died 22 years ago. Also, I felt that way in relationships but, never to the point of giving up what I knew was wrong. I fought every step of the way when I knew I was being treated badly. Even with my mom. And being alone is a treasure for me!!"
So many pearls of wisdom.
I use to run on empty all the time
Oh wow i didn’t know it was because I grew up so early in life! Thanks Steph for another great video 🙏💖
I love your makeup it's so natural and classy.
Wow Stephanie, this information gave me the answer to what I have been looking for. How did I become codependent. And its bc my parents always told me literally everything and I feel like I am the parent. Wow!! I always knew that that was not healthy (them telling me everything), but had no idea that its what led me to codependency. Now that my parents are in their golden years its even worse, but I am committed to healing and living my best life. Thank you for all that you do bc you are helping many people like me. God bless! 🤗🙏🏻
IVe noticed that when I stop certain thoughts about certain people I want on my side life; I realize; those thoughts are gone and so are the subjects of those thought. they are gone; I realize those people I knew as young and trusted; they were never my friends. Suddenly I look around in my mind and Im completely alone and dont know who or what to reach out to in order to do anything. I feel completely displaced. However, being allot older now; I am ready to let go of thoughts and see what is in front of me... Understand that I want or need something in front of me that will not come from my thoughts of old. I feel sad that I have to let go of the old thoughts of people and places and things that will never be. Its a form of grief. Ive noticed that I have " now" thoughts. What do I want to do right now.. Go fishing", go singing; I dont know... Negative thoughts get in concerning money; Ill try to let them pass me by and see what happens. learn to be grateful for what I have; this is a real parlor trick...
Everything you said in here is deffenetly me and now I need to start thinking about myself and help myself before trying to help everyone else I thank you for this and I have enjoy all of your videos on here.
You described me and my life experience perfectly. Your videos are helping me through my healing journey. Thank you immensely for posting your videos. You are saving lives. ❤️🕊