It's a loaded thing to say. Anyone can fall in love with anyone. BUT it takes more than love to keep things going. A person can fall in love with a lazy unmotivated person but if the laziness has/is the issue of the relationship then that could break it. The most important thing in a relationship is to be self critical and learning how to be a good/better partner.
@anastasiash2826 it means do the work to know yourself. Perhaps get therapy if you've experienced trauma and learn how it affects your unconscious choices and behaviour. Then accept who you are and forgive yourself sufficiently that you can love yourself as a whole. Any attempt to do this work will yield MASSIVE positive changes in your life and level of well-being. Others will notice this.
The hard part is finding someone who is truly in touch with their authentic truth (wants, needs and desires.) Gosh, that would make things SO much easier!
@@rotony1 maybe you should try it out for a bit. But this video has raised the question of how to be my authentic self I am not sure if I do portray someone else to the world than what I am. How do I figure out what I want 🤔
A relationship that ended is not a failed relationship. People grow, so it is natural relations will change. A failed relationship is the one that continues even though it is time it ended. Free each other.
Omg! I'm blown away by this. I'm highly co-dependent and in a 15 year live in relationship where I've actually never been entirely happy but I was determined to make it work. I've never understood what the problem was with us and have shifted back and forth between blaming him and blaming myself but in honesty, I mostly blamed him. I reached the point where I understood that we were incompatible (which led me to this video) but I never understood WHY we were so incompatible. Now I fully understand and I'm only halfway through the video. I entered into this relationship molding myself into what I thought he wanted me to be. I was never authentic. I have spent 15 years trying to be someone I'm not and I've reached a point now where I can no longer do it. My authentic self isn't allowing it anymore. I've been teetering back and forth on whether or not this relationship is salvageable but I see now that unless I"m willing to continue in authenticity, which I am not, this cannot be saved. It's heartbreaking and liberating at the same time. I've spent 15 years blaming him for what was actually something I unintentionally created.
I went through the same dear....and I just left my 20 year old relationship to my highschool sweetheart and I can honestly say it's because my authentic self was something that just wasnt nurtured by him and I couldn't be a watered down version of myself for him any longer.. .
I feel I may be stuck in the same situation. It is hard to know whether to leave or keep working on it. I feel I am just waiting for my partner to become a better person. When I try to bring things up that bother me hes not mature enough to deal with it.
Yeah this definitely comes down to mostly you. Codependency is cause likely by a ton of beliefs based on fears. Until you’ve addressed them then yeah that’s not a good place to be.
*"But your parents gave birth to you and raised you, how can you be so ungrateful?"* I swear people who judges you for not liking your parents know nthg of what the hell youve been through and the traumas that still lingers. Ive got nthg but nightmares from those years. Some stuffs are permanent. i have zero interest of raising a family because im unable to comprehend the benefits of having a family. Its all problems and pains. Thats all ive known.
People who grieve deeply from from the loss of a loved one especially a parent, I tell them they were blessed to have had such an amazing parent to feel that pain! (Should count their blessings) Some people were not given that many grieve the loss of the parent that they never had to begin with! So their ability to appear cold is related to having grieved as a child or early adult when they realized the had to grieve the loss of the parent(s) they never had, EVER! IMO
Yeah, I think I feel myself less and less inclined to start a family as I get older because my family and a lot of the people I am around just acted like it was just something that happened that everyone was supposed to do or there was something wrong with them. Then there is the lingering thought of if I change my mind and decide to have a family how am I going to do that without retriggering past traumas and putting that on my children and partner
@@themoonandmercury5800 Idk about the 'wanting to have children' part, but I wanted to respond to the retriggering of past traumas: I've spent many years in therapy and have found a form of therapy that has been INCREDIBLY healing for me--EMDR. I didn't realize how much of my past-wounds were actually re-playing themselves in my present, trying to heal. Idk if you've heard of or tried EMDR therapy, but less than three months of doing it with a therapist weekly has changed my life. I still have a lot of work to do, but the work I'm doing if finally moving me somewhere forward.
She is so right about a guy who doesn't want to commit in a relationship but being pressured to do so by the social standards for intimacy. After doing so, he's not really being there and the family suffers! I feel this exactly.
Mid-life crisis seems to have no age requirement anymore, because humanity is rapidly accelerating into facing truth, dispelling inauthenticity and it keeps getting harder and harder to hide from one's self. We see this in every aspect of life, individually and collectively. The world seems to have gone batshit, and rightly so. To see the mess, is the only way to heal the mess.
Her main point to me is just accept your partner for who they are and not for they’re not. If your trying to change a person to what you want your standards to be then the relationship becomes controlling on ones part or maybe even both if both parties have the same mindset. Which means a downhill relationship.
You summed it up well. If you're happy in a relationship you'll probably want to become a better version of yourself without being forced to become someone else.
@Louise W same here. But it is because I didnt truly know myself due to past traumas ignorance in finding the right match etc... I didnt know any better. I know better now and want to do better for my kids and myself. Hence me leaving too.
i think a little incompatibility is good though... it makes you stretch and grow and see other peoples perspectives. uncomfortable yes, but that is just growing pains. my husband and i have some incompatibilities and we embrace them and grow
I think it all depends on how serious or important that incompatibility is for you, if you are not feeling hurt by it or you realize you had a rigid point of view on the matter and you can change yourself, not because you feel pressured to continue being in a relationship or being loved but because you genuinely had a change in your mindset or you realized that that incompatibility was just something that you needed to heal and leave behind, then yes. But if the incompatibility is something that bothers you, even if it's not brought up that often but you simply cannot let it go then I think sooner or later will cause the relationship to break.
I used to think that as long as you WANT to make it work, you will. Although it's true that things won't always be rainbows and sunshine, I think it's easy to lean on this idea to justify unhappiness. A good example is of Pam Beasley in The Office. Everyone saw that Roy was wrong for her and she even tells Jim, 'Sometimes I just don't get him." But exiting the relationship isn't an option at the time because she's settled in. She and Roy do have chemistry but when it comes down to it, they do not have the thing that makes the relationship work for the long term which is why he failed to commit. It took me a very long time but once I reached my 30's, I met someone who ended up being the perfect fit. And I met him when I wasn't even looking for love. We don't have everything in common but it's so easy being together. He said he knew he wanted to marry me when he realized that I'm also his best friend. I felt the exact same way. It's easy being together. We are happy. We're aren't happy every minute of every single day but overall, we are the happiest we have ever been. Years later, I still feel like I'm getting to have a sleepover with my best friend every night. None of this is to say that being compatible means the road ahead will be easy. But being incompatible means it just doesn't work.
This is gold. Ive often felt alone in this belief. There is no remedy when there isn’t a foundation of compatibility. Another thing to add to this is, you can’t help whether a person is drawn to you or not. A lot of differences can be overcome if there is a baseline of inexplicable love that just draws people to each other, and if this is not mutual, it will always be this push and pull dynamic. This is another reason for one person feeling suffocated and the other inadequate
I dated this guy, who later moved to nyc, whenever we were happy together he would create drama “the push pull dynamic.” It was super irritating. I told him that it seemed like we weren’t really compatible. He argued “No we are very compatible” we are just different. But it hurt when he ruined a great time being an ass, basically. I believe he was deeply insecure. And doing this gave him some feeling of an upper hand. I tried to justify it briefly, like maybe he liked me a lot and it scared him into being a jerk. I told him that it negatively impacted my feelings and our relationship. He continued worse and worse to cause drama and pain, just as it seemed like we were gelling and jamming together in our own unique way. I told him if it happened again I would have to enforce my boundaries because it wasn’t okay to cause me pain and hurt. He again insisted we were very compatible. dude there was no way we were compatible. Being compatible means you don’t get emotionally abused when someone freaks out because you are both having quality time together. I am not trying to diagnose but to put a handle on the situation either a. Emotionally unavailable aka incompatible. B. Abusive, and ok with knowingly causing pain and emotional harm aka incompatible. C. Sadistic or immature aka incompatible Great video. Appreciate comments on the topic.
I've watched this before my first relationship and watched this after my first relationship. Everything happened according to what she said. There are no exceptions. Even when I never put on a mask at first, he wanted to be compatible with me and so forced himself to go along with it before he suffered mentally greatly. So that hurt only both of us in the end, because I felt hurt he didn't accept me in the end when I thought he did, and he hurt himself by lying to yourself. Never lie to yourselves. To save pain, look at compatibility first, as strong as fantasies are
Teal, what you said was so relevant to me that I felt the need to take notes and work through my emotions on this matter. It took only a few hours for my partner and I to realise that we are incompatible to the point that the elephant in the room could not be ignored. We've broken up. I feel terrible right now, but a weight has also been lifted off my chest. I don't know whether this was the best thing for me, but this has been one of the few moments that I've been able to express my needs as a person very clearly. Thank you.
@Sandra G why do say that? Maybe we have different definitions of moving on. Because i still have memories of crushes that i had when i was in middle school and although i did technically move on the feelings i had at the time are just as present today as they were back then. I stay single just because i don't know if i would be ok with having to break up a relationship because of the incompatibilities and the guilt harboring inside of me for putting somebody through the pain of rejection, the same that i felt as a child from my family and i had to be somebody i wasn't for the sake of the relationship
I'll be having closer relationship and more relationships with chocolatte bars than with any people out htere..... THEY ALL HATE ME....... since I am here, I really wonder why they bother keeping me ISOLATED around if they don't like me...... in the firt place
If you break up with someone and you feel more relief than sadness, that's a clear sign you made the right choice, maybe the most important choice, you could have been stuck in that relationship for years and in some people cases your entire life, fortunately you took a step forward. Keep moving forward, have a nice day
This is really good stuff and very true. I’d like to argue there is also wisdom in “till death do we part.” If we leave a partner before learning our own bad habits, it is very likely we will carry our bad habits on to the next relationship. It’s possible the two partners are compatible, but that one or both needs some kind of life lesson. That there is something they need to learn about themselves and that this conflict is getting in the way of the relationship. People are always changing and growing. There are benefits to riding the waves. It just depends. Some people are incompatible. Some are going through growing pains. Just my Two Cents. Your videos are amazing. You gained a Subscriber 💪
I fall in love too soon. I’ve grown a lot and know the red flags. But now when it’s a good guy it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ready for a committed relationship. I’m going to clarify with potential suitors before I gets my hopes up and let more time pass before I let my heart flutter.
On behalf of the good guys out there. A lot of us have been passed over in our younger days by girls that all wanted to be with the cool/bad/dangerous/exciting guys... So a lot of us haven't had enough dating experience to know who we are, what we want, and how to be in a relationship. Those of us who are actually good guys are glad to hear that you are taking steps to prevent investing too much or too soon in anyone (especially us) ... We want you to be safe. We want that even more than we want to be with you. So stay safe, limit your investment.. but still hang out with us, and give us a chance... We are trying to learn this complex relationship stuff as fast as we can. Cheers
@@breakingthemasks u still don't get it. Good guys don't automatically mean they are compatible, or ready for what it takes to have a committed relationship. Being good, or loving someone is NOT enough. I'll argue that being compatible can make a loveless relationship flourish, not the other way around.
If you want to see someone be authentic before entering a relationship with them. Be there through something really frustrating. And hold them accountable for a something. I'm not talking about being a jerk. Just ask them if they did something you know they did. Something they're not proud of. Not to judge necessarily. Just to see if they own it, lie, become defensive etc. What path do they choose in a situation like that?
I like what you're saying about masks. I've had to learn this about friendships too and its why romantic relationships should bloom out of friendships, naturally. Because if a person is "shopping for romance" its an "everyone is wearing a mask" sort of environment.
This is absolutely crushing to hear, maybe also a bit liberating.. Teal has perfectly described my current relationship. It doesn't work, but I want to make it work so badly.. and although her advice makes so much sense, I have a very hard time believing that it applies in our case.. I still might be in denial
@@alizesims1113 Hey there Alize, first of all thanks for reaching out. Yeah it's been a while and it probably doesn't surprise you that things didn't work out between us, in fact she broke up with me not too long after above comment was made. It was also during the pandemic and I left the friend circle that she was a part of due to brokenheartedness. Also lost (touch with) a couple of my other friends during the pandemic as well. Most recently though I've converted to Christianity and left New Age Spiritualism. I can recommend Melissa Dougherty here on UA-cam as a resource regarding the reasons why converting made sense to me, in case you're interested. That doesn't mean that Teal was too far off though, my ex and I were definitely incompatible 😅
Hey, not sure if you’ll see this having been so long but resonate so much with your comment. Serious denial and trying to grasp on to any but of hope but all the signs have been blasting. Wanting there to be the third option of finding a way for it to work for both people to be happy rather than accepting irreconcilable incompatibility. What made you and your former partner incompatible?
You may find looking up “attachment theory” helpful, specifically ‘anxious preoccupied’ in relation to abandonment (there are a lot of helpful tips on how to heal from this)
I know I'm incompatible with the guy I live with now. I'M LEAVING HIM AFTER BEING PUSHED OUT LOL BUT FINALLY DECIDING TO LEAVE! I've finally getting the hell out with a genuine smile and no regrets!
Teal you're point about men around the 8min mark is spot on. I vacillate between thinking "I really don't want a family" to "I want a family but I've never seen even one relationship that I want to be a part of." or that I thought was even really healthy. I've seen so many relationships that used to seem strong, crumble to dust. So when I see people all happy in their relationship, I can't help but think "yeah you feel that way now but just wait". I HATE these thoughts sometimes and I look at my 93 yr old mom and all the help she needs from us kids and I can't help but think "what happens to me when I need help if I don't have a family of my own?". Ya know my oldest brother killed himself when his first marriage collapsed. He couldn't live with the shame/guilt of it all. Yes he was the one who cheated but it went deeper than that. I'm convinced he could no longer keep up the facade of his life and being authentic was too big of a leap for him so he opted out. I'm now in my 50s and have always been single. Longest relationship was like 9 months and while I often think I'm failing at intimate relationships, I've done things in my life and accomplished things that I never thought I could do. It's so odd this life.....I used to think if I was alone I'd be so lonely but I've been really fulfilled while alone and I was surprised to learn how lonely I was in a relationship! OMG what an eye opening thing that was. It's honestly very challenging to sort out so I'm not focusing on a relationship. I'm enjoying my time, working on things that make me happy and keeping one eye open for someone who may want to spend a little time together.
I am totally the first one!!! And was in a relationship with the opposite for 4 years 😩 i was so unhappy. Im so grateful to be out of that situation.. I’d rather be single than be with someone and be miserable
There is so much information here I'll have to watch it a few times. I think a lot of this is stuff we know subconsciously, or we choose to ignore. I didn't start discovering this until after my divorce and started dating again, which these days is hard enough to accept. But I realize now I only touched the surface of accepting incompatibility and/or placing people in their appropriate roles in your life is so much more important than accepting blindly what you think you want. And who you think you are. I don't think I've seen someone speak in a way that moves that information from the subconscious to a conscious acknowledgement. Thank you.
You probably hear this all the time, but the meaning + understanding that you've managed to create in my life, almost from thin air, is very meaningful and impactful to my life experience.
Yup. Me, incompatible to my family (INFJ in a family of SJ's), 44 years of suffering, multiple abusive relationships including work, rock-f'ing-bottom, eureka. Very accurate, definitely harsh truth, but still the truth. Thank you 🙏🏼
Guys, try to exercise your own judgement of how severe and final your incompatibilities are with your partner. This video once nearly destroyed my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years when we were in a really vulnerable place and a cycle of arguments. It took me 4 years to realise that I just had to take a look in the mirror and see my own wounds from the past that I did not want to control my life anymore but reform into a better, healthier person. Everyone has incompatibilities with their partner but try to really reflect on what your incompatibilities are and if you are able to accept them or if they are too grand.
This is probably the most important video you have ever made, at least as far as relationships go. If they taught this in school divorce attorneys would be almost nonexistent. Thank you Teal! Wow! 👍❤️
“ Put people in the roles where they truly belong and where both of you can make eachother truly happy” Ooof so hard to (be) “down graded” but such gold to be found! Thank you Teal! Greetz from Oz
Honestly, I am standing here yelling at the screen. You just tell it straight and clear, How have i not heard about/discovered your channel before? Thank you so much.
I can say with 100% certainty that I am truly only 100% compatible with ONE person and that is my best friend. She and I click in a way that is almost outside logic. Finding her was like a breath of fresh air. She understands me, and I her, almost effortlessly. We live 6 hours apart and the "work" to maintain our friendship has become LESS difficult over time, not more. I find it extremely difficult not to compare my other relationships to her and there's really no one who can even compare. There is one I've tried to get closer to and it's proven to be more difficult over time. There are those that exist on the peripheral and there are those that are merely filler. I think finding someone you are truly compatible with is the rarest thing on Earth. It becomes more difficult the more authentic and aligned you are with yourself.
I am having an epiphany as I'm watching this video right now. It makes crystal clear sense to me why I had to break up with my partner of 10 years couple of weeks ago! I'm truly in awe of how precisely this video describes the dynamic of our relationship. Wooow! Seriously, wow!
I'm 7 mins in so forgive me if she has already mentioned this further on in the video, but it is also true that if two people are TOO SIMILAR that it causes the exact same problems because they are compatible in all the wrong ways. Like they are two perfect sides of one perfect coin of efficient chaos and destruction. What I mean by this is: when you have two raging narcissists who were traumatized by their upbringing, who each have the exact same paradigm issues and thus each others very existence is "throwing it in each others face" like having a 24 / 7 mirror of damned inconvenience always parked in front of you. While trying to remain in denial of and escape from their own dysfunctions, they are annoyed that the other person in being so similar, is making them face all the things they don't want to face. Of course, this problem of inconvenience then becomes convenient to efficiently fuel each others narcissism. It helps each of them go even deeper into denial and allows them to fuel each others psychological projections far more efficiently than someone who "had too many differences" would have ever been able to. It is like being with a copy of yourself. In the long run, it makes facing one's demons harder. In the short run, it is so much more efficient of a denial mechanism. So for someone who is into self-shaming, someone who always tells themselves "i am failing to be that perfect someone for the other person" this is a perfect narcissistic match. I refer to this as "unhappily ever after" because these two fuel each other so perfectly, that they each torture themselves by telling each other #2 things: Thing #1: that the other person would be better without them, that somehow it is they who are getting in the way of the other persons happiness. Thing #2: that the other person is such a perfect person and they love them so much, that life without that other person is going to be a worse hell than any other hell that could possibly exist or be imagined. These two opposites playing tug of war with each other maximize self abuse, self loathing and suffering. It locks both people into the perfect storm. The perfect chaotic relationship. The sort of thing the globalist elites might consider to be a porn novel story. It is perpetual chaos giving rise to perpetual order which gives rise to more chaos which gives rise to more order. It is perfectly balanced, self sustaining narcissistic dysfunction. It is the sort of relationship all narcissists crave, even if they are not consciously aware of it. In this relationship, there is no difference between victim and perpetrator. Both people are mutually getting their needs met. These needs I euphemistically refer to as "misery crack" because narcissism is an addiction.
You canot even imagine how deeply I needed to hear this. It finally cliqued. It is painfull and I am crying my eyes out right now, but I have so much mire clarity and certainty about my decision. Thank you so much Swan. Your work is so precious.
Problem is how would anyone ever know how to learn if you are compatible with someone!? There needs to be more talk About this! There’s a lot of areas to look at too.
Why would you want them to if that something is better suited for you? You’d just want them to take on your stuff so you don’t have to. I don’t think that’s how it works.
Amen. So at peace with this. I will not wait and allow myself to be held to an unrealistic standard of getting to grow to love someone. Incompatibility is having differences that create inharmonious existence between the two.... yes.
I just broke up with my girlfriend 2 days ago. I loved her so much but we had several incompatibilties and it just broke the relationship apart. It feels rly good to get confirmation for my decision here which I felt inside of me for a long time already. Thank you Teal, it means alot!
Feeling remarkably blessed to be living at the same time as Teal. The wisdom and insight she lovingly brings forth is truly transformational. Thank you Dear Teal. Your phenomenal beauty inside and out is off the charts and so deeply appreciated. Bless you Darling.
Today my counselor and I were having a discussion about my spiritual path, and your name came up. I've watched a few videos of yours before, however it's been quite awhile. The moment I visited your UA-cam page, I noticed immediately 444,444 subscribers, therefor assuring me I am on the right spiritual path. Thank you!
It's very difficult. I always try to be honest about what I want and need in a relationship to avoid too much incompatibility but a lot of the time I'm just being talked after my mouth. So I've come to the conclusion that a lot of people don't know what they want and have a totally different understanding of some words than I have. So it doesn't matter what they say they want or need. You have to know them to understand what they are saying.
I’ve been bullied in school when I was young, haven’t been accepted by my biggest crush growing up, dating people I wasn’t really interested in because of loneliness and have a really hard time making friends. I have really struggled with compatibility in general and while inclusion in community is something I have always wanted, most people I’ve met never really interested me much
This video was the reason I peacefully ended the painful 8 year relationship with the father of my child and legal husband.. i finally understand and sympathize with his side . Extremely painful experience but at the same time totally for the best for all involved and likely avoided a lifetime of misery and suffering. I never would have been able to end it on good terms with compassion /understanding/love without this video.
"You need to be fixed because something is wrong with you. They will feel unaccepted and unloved by you. They will feel hurt and resentful." I finally understand why I could never resonate with any social worker or therapist in my life. Thank you for this new perspective. None of them were fully compatible with me. Although they should've been compatible at the core or else we wouldn't been able to be in the same space at the same time. Thank you for your teachings. They are of great help to me.
All relationships are a dance! Make lists of deal breakers to discuss with potential life partners.Take time to realize what sustains you & what sustains the other. Make agreements you both can live by. The mire honest both are, the more authentic the life partner relationship will be! Dance!
That... Idk how people delude themselves into denying other people's shadow And Sign the contract of their whole life and significant assets, all just because of the fairy tale myth of happily ever after/ folly optimism... (Nobody is immune from being crazy, and we all are to some degrees under certain situations at least... And of course knowing this makes us More Resilient, Not Less)
Yeah I tried. I want kids but am afraid. I don't want them right now, but I really want a son and have a have name picked out. However I really want to be someone who will always put the kid first and want to be to a part of their life. So I feel like my hesitancy around a definite answer turns people off.
Fabulous explanation. In the female case, where childbearing years are limited, it's easy to take a chance on something that might work out. After everything has gone terribly wrong and children become self-sufficient, the adult can then take time to assess those elements. This is something we all need to know . Helpful if we're mature enough as young adults to accept it!
I just separated from my husband after 18 years..... he and I are both are wonderful good people however we are not in alignment with each other and I cannot be a watered down version of myself..... I feel like marriage and commitment is transactional....happiness is just a liquid pouring in and out..... I've found that I wanna be completely authentic and share me with everyone who I can reflect into.... i just cant be false and feel unhealthy inside always worrying about rather or not I'm making someone happy or not....its no fun....I know I'm meant to be a soul who wonders alone because I'm creative and my creativity will always get in the way because its who I am.....I cannot suppress it....
What a relief, my dear Teal! I believe this is the first time I have heard this approach to compatibility but much of what you're saying really resonates with me
I was so afraid that my relationship was doomed until I heard your second point about different roles. We’ve recently found our proper roles in the relationship and it’s been easing much more smoothly because of it. Still the work is never done, I commit myself to being by a better individual and partner every day
I spent 10 years in a relationship with someone I WANTED to feel in love with because I thought he was wonderful and there must be something wrong with me if I can't feel in love with him. I just needed to fix me. This caused a lot of damage and in the end he left me saying "you never looked at me that way". I still wasn't leaving! I guess I have a high threshold for being miserable. Very sad that I let it get to this point. Neither of us valued ourselves enough to leave sooner. We were just not compatible in our desires for our lives and in the way we think. The truth does come out. The fact is, I put him on this pedestal and thought the problem was me. Well, as someone once said, "if you want to know who someone really is, break up with them". After the breakup, the mask came off and he wasn't the person I had made him out to be at all. Not a bad person, but not as good as I thought either. He is now married to someone who is more his match and sadly we have a son together and don't have a good relationship in that we don't communicate at all. Better than fighting. I ignore that he doesn't believe in paying child support and just help my son facilitate seeing him. They make their own plans. We were never able to to positively co-parent....etc. Long story, what Teal says here is true. Compatibility and love don't always go together. If someone out there is at the start of something like this as I was, please be brave and leave. Even if it is a nice person, there are lots of nice people out there. Compatibility is important for long term success. Value yourself enough to know that you need more and know that although the person may be hurt, they will be ok if you leave them so that they can also find someone who looks at them the way they deserve.
Yes, I was scared of breaking up with my partner because I don't want to go through the whole dating part again. But there will always be someone more suited for you! Even if it takes a lifetime. It's better than being in a relationship with someone you're not really crazy about. Sure, you respect and admire them highly, but if passion and compatibility isn't there, it'll come to a point where it's no longer fun to be with them.
Thank you Teal Swan, you’ve given me peace which I much much needed atm! We are so caught up by feelings and blaming each other we forget what’s more important, being happy and real in love. 🙏🏽
I just broke up. The pain is over but I was looking for understanding what the problem was, so it won‘t happen again. Thanks for the video. It explained a lot and gave me a bit of an idea what to go towards.
Thank you, Teal, for this message it is what I need at this moment. When it comes to partnerships I focus too much on attraction and too little on compatibility. I was so confused today but now I understand. Send you lots of love!
Relationships and life as such are tough. We are wired, as a species, to be social. Yet don’t know how to be in a relationship. Add to that the complications that come from being wounded. And you find yourself frustrated and humbled. A fraction of a fraction of people are healthy. We should take responsibility for what we control. Move forward and improve ourselves - most importantly get the relationship with our “self” healthy. - Say yes to that fits you. - Say no to everything else. This becomes possible once you get past being lonely and are comfortable being alone. One is noisy, anxious, sad and negative. The other is self reflection, clarity, quiet, contentment and very positive.
Your broadcast was excellent. I have lived this.. So true what you say. In a sense it's upsetting. I have to say.. If not for your post, I would not have understood me more. I don't know if you realize what you actually do. I have relived my childhood and can see what I have done and what was done to me. You bring both sides to the table. I had never changed perspectives. This resource has allowed me to forgive many things and many people, including myself. I found it a gift that I never had. Thank you..
I can't believe how on point she is always. I have reached much understanding, acceptance and ultimately healing with new self awareness to apply constructively! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️
This IS the video I need. I am not compatible with my ex. We both have past trauma that has to be healed. She clings on to anything to close the gaps in her life. I have a sacracity mindset and don't want to lose her. We lasted nearly 11 years wearing masks, after the universe said enough we took off those masks and now see where we are, yeah it sucks we can't make it work but we were fortunate not to bring kids or others into the hell we created, we must heal and go out own ways, THANK YOU Teal! This all makes sense, and now thru heavy shawdow work I will heal the wounds, thank you again so much!
i have to say.. i do feel as if i’m incompatible with every single person i consider myself to be in a relationship with, after watching this video. frankly, not sure if i’m even compatible with myself.
I think that "changing roles" to "friendship", when one of the parties is afraid of commitment, and the other (or both) wants sexual relationship, or even long partnership (marriage or similar) is a very bad idea. Break up and no contact is the best way out, it saves both parties a lot of unnecessary suffering.
It's not like she said ''you ALWAYS have to be friend instead''. Sometimes you'll also want to keep being friend with that person but they won't want that.
Amanda McHugh : I think what you’re saying is very possible and likely beneficial in relationships where additional interaction is necessary, such as when a separated/divorced couple need to co-parent children, or there are business interests the two are involved in, or they move in the same social circles. Generally, though, I think the effort spent transitioning from romantic partners to separate/broken up/uncoupled to “whole, healed” individuals to acquaintances to friendship...that’s a lot of intellectual and emotional resources invested into a process with little identifiable merit. I think the only way I’d be friends with a former romantic partner is if I didn’t really care romantically about him to begin with. If I was emotionally and romantically invested in the person, there’s really nothing different or better I could offer in friendship that I didn’t offer in the romantic attachment.
Teal, I've been making changes in my life over the past 4/5 months and this video has made me realise that I haven't been authentic to myself or the people around me due to past experiences and family life. The next video I watch will be "How to be Authentic" and hopefully I'll make a brakethrough. You're like my very own psychiatrist. Thank you!
Happened to me as well. We are not together anymore because it never worked out... we made each other unhappy, unfortunately. I still love him and I miss him... it's painful.
This is one of the main underlying reasons that relationships often fall apart. It takes time to learn if you and your partner are truly compatible at the deepest levels. The irony is that even if you find you...people change. You might wake up one day to discover the one you married back then is not the same person you are still together with. That is a strong argument agains the marriage pathway, which is already littered with many obstacles.
Actually it's not really true. The problem lies in the dating, which is mere a "hanging out" than real , purposeful dating. People don't really know too much about their spouses once they get married! Why? Because they avoid talking difficult "sensitive" topics before, out of fear that this will scare off the other person. And , funnily, enough, it SHOULD scare off the other person, if this person is incompatible with you. And no, people DON'T change. Your perception of this person changed. If you ask yourself (if that's your case, of course) how much did you know about your wife before marrying her, about her family home, family dynamics, her faith, values, her dreams and priorities.... what would you answer? If the marriage failed either the person didn't tell you the truth about all of the above, or you never really asked her about it. Another thing is - it's super easy to say :"He/she just changed". What's your role in not making the relationship work? After all, it takes two to tango.
Thank you so much!! After 16yrs. with my husband who is totally opposite from me, I learned from you today that I can accept the truths and be lovingly honest with him that we are incompatible. This is a huge relief but it's scary because I'm a person who has been trying to fit and I'm really hurting. Thank you for sharing on this topic!! I'm going to watch the authentic video next! Hugs!
Damn.. Teal, this has striked me so hard cuz is actually what I'm going through and as yup is totally taboo for how real and tough it is but gotta sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a shining beacon of light in the life of so many people out here :) Namaste!!
it truly is a harsh reality but I thank you for putting this into the right words so I can take this truth to 'heart and move forward more 'realistically' than' i did previously.
My whole past relationship explained in one video. The funny thing is that I watched this video when I was in that relationship and inside I was like "yeah this is so true" but then I would try to "fix" my partner, change myself to fit his needs etc etc and now that the relationship is over, this video makes so much sense to me. I don't feel ready yet to change his role in my life, let's say as a friend, even tho he wanted to be friends. But I feel like I need to heal first, let the romantic relationship go until I can see him as a friend. Thanks for your videos always, I learn a lot!
The relationship between last child and first child is the true meaning of this. Last child is the parent last effort into creating the best child so the child end up being denied of their true needs and filled with stuff parents wanted during various stage of life. The first child is the helping hand as none of parents knew what they were doing at that point. The first child get identity of a caretaker .when they find each other the first child is happy to have another project and the last child finds that they same situation at home witch good at first but after having first kid it turns around as it takes two to take care of it.
You forgot to mention the middle child. It's better to be first or last rather than middle. The middle child often has to conform, exhibits people-pleasing behaviours, generally a good kid or a rebel. The middle kid suffers most of those. The last child is often the most beloved and spoiled one.
So well said! “You can’t spend your life in a partnership trying to heal the other person out of their desires” - Teal Swan
Thank you so much for making the very easy to understand
Hashtag Holy Ship
Old saying, “Man marries a woman hoping she won’t change. Woman marries man hoping he will.”
@@athenaformosa799 312rtrt
yep
"Attraction has no respect for compatibility" .... wow!!! 🤯... so true
A bird may love a fish, but one will die.
Exactly! I was about to timestamp 12:28 as the harsh nuclear truth bomb of the whole video. Looks like everyone agrees.
The most important: be yourself. Always. No mask. No lies. No pretending.then the right person can fall in love with you. Be vulnerable.
It's a loaded thing to say. Anyone can fall in love with anyone. BUT it takes more than love to keep things going. A person can fall in love with a lazy unmotivated person but if the laziness has/is the issue of the relationship then that could break it. The most important thing in a relationship is to be self critical and learning how to be a good/better partner.
What does it even mean BE YOURSELF? Cliche
@anastasiash2826 it means do the work to know yourself. Perhaps get therapy if you've experienced trauma and learn how it affects your unconscious choices and behaviour. Then accept who you are and forgive yourself sufficiently that you can love yourself as a whole. Any attempt to do this work will yield MASSIVE positive changes in your life and level of well-being. Others will notice this.
Even when the real you is unlovable?
Easier said than done
The hard part is finding someone who is truly in touch with their authentic truth (wants, needs and desires.) Gosh, that would make things SO much easier!
❤
No is not, if we are authentic no one will like as or want to be with as.
I dont think that is true
@@alishabaird2887 yea probably you are right.
@@rotony1 maybe you should try it out for a bit. But this video has raised the question of how to be my authentic self I am not sure if I do portray someone else to the world than what I am. How do I figure out what I want 🤔
A relationship that ended is not a failed relationship. People grow, so it is natural relations will change.
A failed relationship is the one that continues even though it is time it ended.
Free each other.
Love this !
I disagree it's a failure 100% and was never love
@@amandapeterson3659 it's not a failure, because you had your lesson and that is your chance to change and grow.
@@anllvr yes but the relationship itself still is
❤
Omg! I'm blown away by this. I'm highly co-dependent and in a 15 year live in relationship where I've actually never been entirely happy but I was determined to make it work. I've never understood what the problem was with us and have shifted back and forth between blaming him and blaming myself but in honesty, I mostly blamed him. I reached the point where I understood that we were incompatible (which led me to this video) but I never understood WHY we were so incompatible. Now I fully understand and I'm only halfway through the video. I entered into this relationship molding myself into what I thought he wanted me to be. I was never authentic. I have spent 15 years trying to be someone I'm not and I've reached a point now where I can no longer do it. My authentic self isn't allowing it anymore. I've been teetering back and forth on whether or not this relationship is salvageable but I see now that unless I"m willing to continue in authenticity, which I am not, this cannot be saved. It's heartbreaking and liberating at the same time. I've spent 15 years blaming him for what was actually something I unintentionally created.
Great comment and introspect!!! I love it, thanks for sharing your experience. I can relate.
I went through the same dear....and I just left my 20 year old relationship to my highschool sweetheart and I can honestly say it's because my authentic self was something that just wasnt nurtured by him and I couldn't be a watered down version of myself for him any longer.. .
I feel I may be stuck in the same situation. It is hard to know whether to leave or keep working on it. I feel I am just waiting for my partner to become a better person. When I try to bring things up that bother me hes not mature enough to deal with it.
Story of my life
Yeah this definitely comes down to mostly you. Codependency is cause likely by a ton of beliefs based on fears. Until you’ve addressed them then yeah that’s not a good place to be.
I got so mindblown when she said we replicate the exact same childhood wounding with toxic relationships, INSANE!
*"But your parents gave birth to you and raised you, how can you be so ungrateful?"*
I swear people who judges you for not liking your parents know nthg of what the hell youve been through and the traumas that still lingers. Ive got nthg but nightmares from those years. Some stuffs are permanent. i have zero interest of raising a family because im unable to comprehend the benefits of having a family. Its all problems and pains. Thats all ive known.
Or the “can’t we all move on from the past” ummm I’m moving on from the past and protecting my future self.
People who grieve deeply from from the loss of a loved one especially a parent, I tell them they were blessed to have had such an amazing parent to feel that pain! (Should count their blessings) Some people were not given that many grieve the loss of the parent that they never had to begin with! So their ability to appear cold is related to having grieved as a child or early adult when they realized the had to grieve the loss of the parent(s) they never had, EVER! IMO
Me too
Yeah, I think I feel myself less and less inclined to start a family as I get older because my family and a lot of the people I am around just acted like it was just something that happened that everyone was supposed to do or there was something wrong with them. Then there is the lingering thought of if I change my mind and decide to have a family how am I going to do that without retriggering past traumas and putting that on my children and partner
@@themoonandmercury5800 Idk about the 'wanting to have children' part, but I wanted to respond to the retriggering of past traumas: I've spent many years in therapy and have found a form of therapy that has been INCREDIBLY healing for me--EMDR. I didn't realize how much of my past-wounds were actually re-playing themselves in my present, trying to heal. Idk if you've heard of or tried EMDR therapy, but less than three months of doing it with a therapist weekly has changed my life. I still have a lot of work to do, but the work I'm doing if finally moving me somewhere forward.
She is so right about a guy who doesn't want to commit in a relationship but being pressured to do so by the social standards for intimacy. After doing so, he's not really being there and the family suffers!
I feel this exactly.
Mid-life crisis seems to have no age requirement anymore, because humanity is rapidly accelerating into facing truth, dispelling inauthenticity and it keeps getting harder and harder to hide from one's self. We see this in every aspect of life, individually and collectively. The world seems to have gone batshit, and rightly so. To see the mess, is the only way to heal the mess.
Dead on
Well said :)
i see a lot of people in their mid twenties having their first crisis.. that should tell us something
True
In that case, I've been having a mid life crisis since the age of 10. 😂 No fu%©en lie.
Now being in my early 40's I should be good and ready now to appropriately assest and successfully execute the making-order-out-of-the-chaos process. So, we good so far and I move forward with a healthy sense of my own capabilities in doing so!👌
Life’s biggest joke on me was when I felt deeply connected and in love with someone that was not compatible with me
Same thing happened to me girl 😩 but it’s a lesson to learn !
It's great that you can love and connect deeply! A lot of people can't do that. When you find someone who can.. it will be amazing:)
Yep. “My biggest mistake…”
So painful - trying to move on from that scenario now
my god, i wish i would have known this when i first started dating
💥😂 balls in your court.
Miranda Nwakah you and the whole world...
Me too
Same here
@@Vention1MGTOW I realise from your other comments xd.
Who doesn't want to know this? Some just don't know that they want to know.
Her main point to me is just accept your partner for who they are and not for they’re not. If your trying to change a person to what you want your standards to be then the relationship becomes controlling on ones part or maybe even both if both parties have the same mindset. Which means a downhill relationship.
You summed it up well. If you're happy in a relationship you'll probably want to become a better version of yourself without being forced to become someone else.
@Louise W same here. But it is because I didnt truly know myself due to past traumas ignorance in finding the right match etc... I didnt know any better. I know better now and want to do better for my kids and myself. Hence me leaving too.
Louise H deciding to do the same
The point is to ensure compatibility before jumping in.
So no boundaries? :/
i think a little incompatibility is good though... it makes you stretch and grow and see other peoples perspectives. uncomfortable yes, but that is just growing pains. my husband and i have some incompatibilities and we embrace them and grow
Interesting, I needed to read this, I swear! I guess it makes me think all is not lost ..... yet anyway! Lol. Thanks for sharing that Stacey!👥✨💞💙💚😁
I think it all depends on how serious or important that incompatibility is for you, if you are not feeling hurt by it or you realize you had a rigid point of view on the matter and you can change yourself, not because you feel pressured to continue being in a relationship or being loved but because you genuinely had a change in your mindset or you realized that that incompatibility was just something that you needed to heal and leave behind, then yes. But if the incompatibility is something that bothers you, even if it's not brought up that often but you simply cannot let it go then I think sooner or later will cause the relationship to break.
Thank you Stacey 🥲
Ya'll have differences, not incompatibilities
More like conform and change to save codependency
I used to think that as long as you WANT to make it work, you will. Although it's true that things won't always be rainbows and sunshine, I think it's easy to lean on this idea to justify unhappiness. A good example is of Pam Beasley in The Office. Everyone saw that Roy was wrong for her and she even tells Jim, 'Sometimes I just don't get him." But exiting the relationship isn't an option at the time because she's settled in. She and Roy do have chemistry but when it comes down to it, they do not have the thing that makes the relationship work for the long term which is why he failed to commit. It took me a very long time but once I reached my 30's, I met someone who ended up being the perfect fit. And I met him when I wasn't even looking for love. We don't have everything in common but it's so easy being together. He said he knew he wanted to marry me when he realized that I'm also his best friend. I felt the exact same way. It's easy being together. We are happy. We're aren't happy every minute of every single day but overall, we are the happiest we have ever been. Years later, I still feel like I'm getting to have a sleepover with my best friend every night. None of this is to say that being compatible means the road ahead will be easy. But being incompatible means it just doesn't work.
Were you compatible with him ?
I had the same but then after years he went to drugs. Not the same person. Ended that.
love that🥺🥺
Does any of u seek control? Like is there a submissive and dominant party?
You can want it to work, but all too often it's not going to no matters what you do.
This is gold. Ive often felt alone in this belief. There is no remedy when there isn’t a foundation of compatibility. Another thing to add to this is, you can’t help whether a person is drawn to you or not. A lot of differences can be overcome if there is a baseline of inexplicable love that just draws people to each other, and if this is not mutual, it will always be this push and pull dynamic. This is another reason for one person feeling suffocated and the other inadequate
I dated this guy, who later moved to nyc, whenever we were happy together he would create drama “the push pull dynamic.”
It was super irritating. I told him that it seemed like we weren’t really compatible. He argued “No we are very compatible” we are just different. But it hurt when he ruined a great time being an ass, basically.
I believe he was deeply insecure. And doing this gave him some feeling of an upper hand. I tried to justify it briefly, like maybe he liked me a lot and it scared him into being a jerk. I told him that it negatively impacted my feelings and our relationship. He continued worse and worse to cause drama and pain, just as it seemed like we were gelling and jamming together in our own unique way.
I told him if it happened again I would have to enforce my boundaries because it wasn’t okay to cause me pain and hurt. He again insisted we were very compatible. dude there was no way we were compatible. Being compatible means you don’t get emotionally abused when someone freaks out because you are both having quality time together.
I am not trying to diagnose but to put a handle on the situation either a. Emotionally unavailable aka incompatible.
B. Abusive, and ok with knowingly causing pain and emotional harm aka incompatible.
C. Sadistic or immature aka incompatible
Great video. Appreciate comments on the topic.
I've watched this before my first relationship and watched this after my first relationship. Everything happened according to what she said. There are no exceptions. Even when I never put on a mask at first, he wanted to be compatible with me and so forced himself to go along with it before he suffered mentally greatly. So that hurt only both of us in the end, because I felt hurt he didn't accept me in the end when I thought he did, and he hurt himself by lying to yourself. Never lie to yourselves. To save pain, look at compatibility first, as strong as fantasies are
Thanks for sharing your story.
"Attraction has no respect for compatibility:" Amen to that!
Teal, what you said was so relevant to me that I felt the need to take notes and work through my emotions on this matter.
It took only a few hours for my partner and I to realise that we are incompatible to the point that the elephant in the room could not be ignored. We've broken up. I feel terrible right now, but a weight has also been lifted off my chest.
I don't know whether this was the best thing for me, but this has been one of the few moments that I've been able to express my needs as a person very clearly. Thank you.
@Sandra G how do you know he isn't gay?
Nirv K Thanks for talking about your experience, how are you doing now? :)
@Sandra G why do say that? Maybe we have different definitions of moving on. Because i still have memories of crushes that i had when i was in middle school and although i did technically move on the feelings i had at the time are just as present today as they were back then. I stay single just because i don't know if i would be ok with having to break up a relationship because of the incompatibilities and the guilt harboring inside of me for putting somebody through the pain of rejection, the same that i felt as a child from my family and i had to be somebody i wasn't for the sake of the relationship
I'll be having closer relationship and more relationships with chocolatte bars than with any people out htere..... THEY ALL HATE ME....... since I am here, I really wonder why they bother keeping me ISOLATED around if they don't like me...... in the firt place
If you break up with someone and you feel more relief than sadness, that's a clear sign you made the right choice, maybe the most important choice, you could have been stuck in that relationship for years and in some people cases your entire life, fortunately you took a step forward.
Keep moving forward, have a nice day
This is really good stuff and very true. I’d like to argue there is also wisdom in “till death do we part.” If we leave a partner before learning our own bad habits, it is very likely we will carry our bad habits on to the next relationship. It’s possible the two partners are compatible, but that one or both needs some kind of life lesson. That there is something they need to learn about themselves and that this conflict is getting in the way of the relationship. People are always changing and growing. There are benefits to riding the waves. It just depends. Some people are incompatible. Some are going through growing pains. Just my Two Cents. Your videos are amazing. You gained a Subscriber 💪
Thankyou
I fall in love too soon. I’ve grown a lot and know the red flags. But now when it’s a good guy it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ready for a committed relationship. I’m going to clarify with potential suitors before I gets my hopes up and let more time pass before I let my heart flutter.
On behalf of the good guys out there. A lot of us have been passed over in our younger days by girls that all wanted to be with the cool/bad/dangerous/exciting guys... So a lot of us haven't had enough dating experience to know who we are, what we want, and how to be in a relationship. Those of us who are actually good guys are glad to hear that you are taking steps to prevent investing too much or too soon in anyone (especially us) ... We want you to be safe. We want that even more than we want to be with you.
So stay safe, limit your investment.. but still hang out with us, and give us a chance... We are trying to learn this complex relationship stuff as fast as we can.
Cheers
@@breakingthemasks this is so wholesome ~ ^^
@@breakingthemasks u still don't get it.
Good guys don't automatically mean they are compatible, or ready for what it takes to have a committed relationship.
Being good, or loving someone is NOT enough.
I'll argue that being compatible can make a loveless relationship flourish, not the other way around.
If you want to see someone be authentic before entering a relationship with them. Be there through something really frustrating. And hold them accountable for a something. I'm not talking about being a jerk. Just ask them if they did something you know they did. Something they're not proud of. Not to judge necessarily. Just to see if they own it, lie, become defensive etc. What path do they choose in a situation like that?
My guess is the next step you see if that is something you’d be ok with.
I like what you're saying about masks. I've had to learn this about friendships too and its why romantic relationships should bloom out of friendships, naturally. Because if a person is "shopping for romance" its an "everyone is wearing a mask" sort of environment.
Thank you for saying this; I have reached the exact same conclusion ;)
That’s a great point, I completely agree.
If you believe everyone looking for romance wears a mask… guess what type of people you will draw into your life?
I get heat from people about not dating for this exact reason. Glad there's others who agree!
Sure, but if you have no such “friendship” cause of how you are genuinely, you have no choice but to put on a mask cause of society.
This is absolutely crushing to hear, maybe also a bit liberating.. Teal has perfectly described my current relationship. It doesn't work, but I want to make it work so badly.. and although her advice makes so much sense, I have a very hard time believing that it applies in our case.. I still might be in denial
Im afraid to ask but i have to ask. You may not even respond, it's been two years. What happened?
@@alizesims1113 Hey there Alize, first of all thanks for reaching out. Yeah it's been a while and it probably doesn't surprise you that things didn't work out between us, in fact she broke up with me not too long after above comment was made. It was also during the pandemic and I left the friend circle that she was a part of due to brokenheartedness. Also lost (touch with) a couple of my other friends during the pandemic as well. Most recently though I've converted to Christianity and left New Age Spiritualism. I can recommend Melissa Dougherty here on UA-cam as a resource regarding the reasons why converting made sense to me, in case you're interested.
That doesn't mean that Teal was too far off though, my ex and I were definitely incompatible 😅
Hey, not sure if you’ll see this having been so long but resonate so much with your comment. Serious denial and trying to grasp on to any but of hope but all the signs have been blasting. Wanting there to be the third option of finding a way for it to work for both people to be happy rather than accepting irreconcilable incompatibility. What made you and your former partner incompatible?
A video about abandonment truma would be much appreciated
yes please.
Go to Alan Robarge's channel.
💯
You may find looking up “attachment theory” helpful, specifically ‘anxious preoccupied’ in relation to abandonment (there are a lot of helpful tips on how to heal from this)
Yes
This just blew my mind. Every person on earth should see this.
The dance of attachment anxious and attachment avoidant.
Lance Robert Hough yup
Omg me and my mom
Yeah totally right
So does this mean you leave each other if you have a disorganized attachment style
I know I'm incompatible with the guy I live with now. I'M LEAVING HIM AFTER BEING PUSHED OUT LOL BUT FINALLY DECIDING TO LEAVE! I've finally getting the hell out with a genuine smile and no regrets!
Teal you're point about men around the 8min mark is spot on. I vacillate between thinking "I really don't want a family" to "I want a family but I've never seen even one relationship that I want to be a part of." or that I thought was even really healthy. I've seen so many relationships that used to seem strong, crumble to dust. So when I see people all happy in their relationship, I can't help but think "yeah you feel that way now but just wait". I HATE these thoughts sometimes and I look at my 93 yr old mom and all the help she needs from us kids and I can't help but think "what happens to me when I need help if I don't have a family of my own?". Ya know my oldest brother killed himself when his first marriage collapsed. He couldn't live with the shame/guilt of it all. Yes he was the one who cheated but it went deeper than that. I'm convinced he could no longer keep up the facade of his life and being authentic was too big of a leap for him so he opted out. I'm now in my 50s and have always been single. Longest relationship was like 9 months and while I often think I'm failing at intimate relationships, I've done things in my life and accomplished things that I never thought I could do. It's so odd this life.....I used to think if I was alone I'd be so lonely but I've been really fulfilled while alone and I was surprised to learn how lonely I was in a relationship! OMG what an eye opening thing that was. It's honestly very challenging to sort out so I'm not focusing on a relationship. I'm enjoying my time, working on things that make me happy and keeping one eye open for someone who may want to spend a little time together.
Teal Swan is a spiritual genius. I'm truly learning so much from her videos.
I am totally the first one!!! And was in a relationship with the opposite for 4 years 😩 i was so unhappy. Im so grateful to be out of that situation.. I’d rather be single than be with someone and be miserable
The fact you use a Tim and Eric clip in the video makes me really resonate with your work that much more
There is so much information here I'll have to watch it a few times. I think a lot of this is stuff we know subconsciously, or we choose to ignore. I didn't start discovering this until after my divorce and started dating again, which these days is hard enough to accept. But I realize now I only touched the surface of accepting incompatibility and/or placing people in their appropriate roles in your life is so much more important than accepting blindly what you think you want. And who you think you are. I don't think I've seen someone speak in a way that moves that information from the subconscious to a conscious acknowledgement. Thank you.
You probably hear this all the time, but the meaning + understanding that you've managed to create in my life, almost from thin air, is very meaningful and impactful to my life experience.
Yup. Me, incompatible to my family (INFJ in a family of SJ's), 44 years of suffering, multiple abusive relationships including work, rock-f'ing-bottom, eureka. Very accurate, definitely harsh truth, but still the truth. Thank you 🙏🏼
Guys, try to exercise your own judgement of how severe and final your incompatibilities are with your partner. This video once nearly destroyed my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years when we were in a really vulnerable place and a cycle of arguments. It took me 4 years to realise that I just had to take a look in the mirror and see my own wounds from the past that I did not want to control my life anymore but reform into a better, healthier person. Everyone has incompatibilities with their partner but try to really reflect on what your incompatibilities are and if you are able to accept them or if they are too grand.
This is probably the most important video you have ever made, at least as far as relationships go. If they taught this in school divorce attorneys would be almost nonexistent. Thank you Teal! Wow! 👍❤️
“ Put people in the roles where they truly belong and where both of you can make eachother truly happy”
Ooof so hard to (be) “down graded” but such gold to be found!
Thank you Teal! Greetz from Oz
Someone told me my videos were like watching Teal Swan's grandmother, so I had to check her out. I'm impressed by her level of focus and preparation.
Honestly, I am standing here yelling at the screen. You just tell it straight and clear, How have i not heard about/discovered your channel before? Thank you so much.
I’m incompatible with most people.
So am I. I wish somebody would just give me a chance, before they blow me off!
I think that's most people and the ones that have many aquantences are not being authentic
...and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I can say with 100% certainty that I am truly only 100% compatible with ONE person and that is my best friend. She and I click in a way that is almost outside logic. Finding her was like a breath of fresh air. She understands me, and I her, almost effortlessly. We live 6 hours apart and the "work" to maintain our friendship has become LESS difficult over time, not more. I find it extremely difficult not to compare my other relationships to her and there's really no one who can even compare. There is one I've tried to get closer to and it's proven to be more difficult over time. There are those that exist on the peripheral and there are those that are merely filler. I think finding someone you are truly compatible with is the rarest thing on Earth. It becomes more difficult the more authentic and aligned you are with yourself.
@@TheTAEclub me too
I am having an epiphany as I'm watching this video right now. It makes crystal clear sense to me why I had to break up with my partner of 10 years couple of weeks ago! I'm truly in awe of how precisely this video describes the dynamic of our relationship. Wooow! Seriously, wow!
I'm 7 mins in so forgive me if she has already mentioned this further on in the video, but it is also true that if two people are TOO SIMILAR that it causes the exact same problems because they are compatible in all the wrong ways. Like they are two perfect sides of one perfect coin of efficient chaos and destruction. What I mean by this is: when you have two raging narcissists who were traumatized by their upbringing, who each have the exact same paradigm issues and thus each others very existence is "throwing it in each others face" like having a 24 / 7 mirror of damned inconvenience always parked in front of you. While trying to remain in denial of and escape from their own dysfunctions, they are annoyed that the other person in being so similar, is making them face all the things they don't want to face. Of course, this problem of inconvenience then becomes convenient to efficiently fuel each others narcissism. It helps each of them go even deeper into denial and allows them to fuel each others psychological projections far more efficiently than someone who "had too many differences" would have ever been able to. It is like being with a copy of yourself. In the long run, it makes facing one's demons harder. In the short run, it is so much more efficient of a denial mechanism. So for someone who is into self-shaming, someone who always tells themselves "i am failing to be that perfect someone for the other person" this is a perfect narcissistic match. I refer to this as "unhappily ever after" because these two fuel each other so perfectly, that they each torture themselves by telling each other #2 things: Thing #1: that the other person would be better without them, that somehow it is they who are getting in the way of the other persons happiness. Thing #2: that the other person is such a perfect person and they love them so much, that life without that other person is going to be a worse hell than any other hell that could possibly exist or be imagined. These two opposites playing tug of war with each other maximize self abuse, self loathing and suffering. It locks both people into the perfect storm. The perfect chaotic relationship. The sort of thing the globalist elites might consider to be a porn novel story. It is perpetual chaos giving rise to perpetual order which gives rise to more chaos which gives rise to more order. It is perfectly balanced, self sustaining narcissistic dysfunction. It is the sort of relationship all narcissists crave, even if they are not consciously aware of it. In this relationship, there is no difference between victim and perpetrator. Both people are mutually getting their needs met. These needs I euphemistically refer to as "misery crack" because narcissism is an addiction.
This is so true. I end up getting attracted to male versions of me.
you deserve lots of credits for this. perfectly describing my dysfunctional relationship in detail.
So many words of wisdom....but the part about incompatibility with family, hit home.
You canot even imagine how deeply I needed to hear this. It finally cliqued. It is painfull and I am crying my eyes out right now, but I have so much mire clarity and certainty about my decision. Thank you so much Swan. Your work is so precious.
Bingo!!! It's taken me decades to find the "real" authentic me. You are so accurate in all the truth that you speak!!! I love you, Teal!
Problem is how would anyone ever know how to learn if you are compatible with someone!? There needs to be more talk About this! There’s a lot of areas to look at too.
i recommend "honest sharing" by Gopal Norbert Klein.
Why would you want them to if that something is better suited for you? You’d just want them to take on your stuff so you don’t have to. I don’t think that’s how it works.
Amen. So at peace with this. I will not wait and allow myself to be held to an unrealistic standard of getting to grow to love someone. Incompatibility is having differences that create inharmonious existence between the two.... yes.
This video ruined my last relationship... thank you so much!
I just broke up with my girlfriend 2 days ago. I loved her so much but we had several incompatibilties and it just broke the relationship apart. It feels rly good to get confirmation for my decision here which I felt inside of me for a long time already. Thank you Teal, it means alot!
Feeling remarkably blessed to be living at the same time as Teal. The wisdom and insight she lovingly brings forth is truly transformational. Thank you Dear Teal. Your phenomenal beauty inside and out is off the charts and so deeply appreciated. Bless you Darling.
Its a great time to be alive ☺️
Today my counselor and I were having a discussion about my spiritual path, and your name came up. I've watched a few videos of yours before, however it's been quite awhile. The moment I visited your UA-cam page, I noticed immediately 444,444 subscribers, therefor assuring me I am on the right spiritual path. Thank you!
This is what I’m going through now and it’s really painful....
Goddess Ny is it resolved now?..
how is it going?
Not everyone must like me Nor do I have to like everyone... respect yes, love not at all costs... thank you for your wisdom 🙏🙏🙏
It's very difficult. I always try to be honest about what I want and need in a relationship to avoid too much incompatibility but a lot of the time I'm just being talked after my mouth. So I've come to the conclusion that a lot of people don't know what they want and have a totally different understanding of some words than I have. So it doesn't matter what they say they want or need. You have to know them to understand what they are saying.
100%....Authenticity is EVERY THING!!!
I’ve been bullied in school when I was young, haven’t been accepted by my biggest crush growing up, dating people I wasn’t really interested in because of loneliness and have a really hard time making friends. I have really struggled with compatibility in general and while inclusion in community is something I have always wanted, most people I’ve met never really interested me much
This video was the reason I peacefully ended the painful 8 year relationship with the father of my child and legal husband.. i finally understand and sympathize with his side . Extremely painful experience but at the same time totally for the best for all involved and likely avoided a lifetime of misery and suffering. I never would have been able to end it on good terms with compassion /understanding/love without this video.
This is THE MOST fascinating, clarifying, and empowering information on relationships. Teal, I can't thank you enough! Namaste.
Wow your a true hippie. No shade. As a yoga enthusiast I found it funny.
"You need to be fixed because something is wrong with you. They will feel unaccepted and unloved by you. They will feel hurt and resentful." I finally understand why I could never resonate with any social worker or therapist in my life. Thank you for this new perspective. None of them were fully compatible with me.
Although they should've been compatible at the core or else we wouldn't been able to be in the same space at the same time.
Thank you for your teachings. They are of great help to me.
All relationships are a dance! Make lists of deal breakers to discuss with potential life partners.Take time to realize what sustains you & what sustains the other. Make agreements you both can live by. The mire honest both are, the more authentic the life partner relationship will be! Dance!
That... Idk how people delude themselves into denying other people's shadow And Sign the contract of their whole life and significant assets, all just because of the fairy tale myth of happily ever after/ folly optimism... (Nobody is immune from being crazy, and we all are to some degrees under certain situations at least... And of course knowing this makes us More Resilient, Not Less)
Yeah I tried. I want kids but am afraid. I don't want them right now, but I really want a son and have a have name picked out. However I really want to be someone who will always put the kid first and want to be to a part of their life. So I feel like my hesitancy around a definite answer turns people off.
Fabulous explanation. In the female case, where childbearing years are limited, it's easy to take a chance on something that might work out. After everything has gone terribly wrong and children become self-sufficient, the adult can then take time to assess those elements. This is something we all need to know . Helpful if we're mature enough as young adults to accept it!
This video deserves an award .. honestly 😀 Thank you for educating us Teal 🙏❤️
I can’t even start to count how many on point statements are in this video! 👏👏👏
I just separated from my husband after 18 years..... he and I are both are wonderful good people however we are not in alignment with each other and I cannot be a watered down version of myself..... I feel like marriage and commitment is transactional....happiness is just a liquid pouring in and out..... I've found that I wanna be completely authentic and share me with everyone who I can reflect into.... i just cant be false and feel unhealthy inside always worrying about rather or not I'm making someone happy or not....its no fun....I know I'm meant to be a soul who wonders alone because I'm creative and my creativity will always get in the way because its who I am.....I cannot suppress it....
Ashley Moses marriage is a property arrangement
Ashley Moses "Be who God created you to be! Don't let nobody defy you!"
Ashley Moses poor guy was probably blindsided by this..
What a relief, my dear Teal! I believe this is the first time I have heard this approach to compatibility but much of what you're saying really resonates with me
Wonderful! ❤
I was so afraid that my relationship was doomed until I heard your second point about different roles. We’ve recently found our proper roles in the relationship and it’s been easing much more smoothly because of it. Still the work is never done, I commit myself to being by a better individual and partner every day
when u said u found proper roles, wdym by that? does that mean that youre not together anymore?
Yeah, i would like to know that too. What do you mean by roles ?
It comes back down to understanding and then acting accordingly and with authenticity.
I spent 10 years in a relationship with someone I WANTED to feel in love with because I thought he was wonderful and there must be something wrong with me if I can't feel in love with him. I just needed to fix me. This caused a lot of damage and in the end he left me saying "you never looked at me that way". I still wasn't leaving! I guess I have a high threshold for being miserable. Very sad that I let it get to this point. Neither of us valued ourselves enough to leave sooner. We were just not compatible in our desires for our lives and in the way we think. The truth does come out. The fact is, I put him on this pedestal and thought the problem was me. Well, as someone once said, "if you want to know who someone really is, break up with them". After the breakup, the mask came off and he wasn't the person I had made him out to be at all. Not a bad person, but not as good as I thought either. He is now married to someone who is more his match and sadly we have a son together and don't have a good relationship in that we don't communicate at all. Better than fighting. I ignore that he doesn't believe in paying child support and just help my son facilitate seeing him. They make their own plans. We were never able to to positively co-parent....etc. Long story, what Teal says here is true. Compatibility and love don't always go together. If someone out there is at the start of something like this as I was, please be brave and leave. Even if it is a nice person, there are lots of nice people out there. Compatibility is important for long term success. Value yourself enough to know that you need more and know that although the person may be hurt, they will be ok if you leave them so that they can also find someone who looks at them the way they deserve.
Yes, I was scared of breaking up with my partner because I don't want to go through the whole dating part again. But there will always be someone more suited for you! Even if it takes a lifetime. It's better than being in a relationship with someone you're not really crazy about. Sure, you respect and admire them highly, but if passion and compatibility isn't there, it'll come to a point where it's no longer fun to be with them.
This video is pure realness. I wish have been more aware about the true self in my own relationships.
Thank you Teal Swan, you’ve given me peace which I much much needed atm! We are so caught up by feelings and blaming each other we forget what’s more important, being happy and real in love. 🙏🏽
I just broke up. The pain is over but I was looking for understanding what the problem was, so it won‘t happen again.
Thanks for the video. It explained a lot and gave me a bit of an idea what to go towards.
Thank you, Teal, for this message it is what I need at this moment. When it comes to partnerships I focus too much on attraction and too little on compatibility. I was so confused today but now I understand. Send you lots of love!
Relationships and life as such are tough. We are wired, as a species, to be social. Yet don’t know how to be in a relationship. Add to that the complications that come from being wounded. And you find yourself frustrated and humbled.
A fraction of a fraction of people are healthy.
We should take responsibility for what we control. Move forward and improve ourselves - most importantly get the relationship with our “self” healthy.
- Say yes to that fits you.
- Say no to everything else.
This becomes possible once you get past being lonely and are comfortable being alone. One is noisy, anxious, sad and negative. The other is self reflection, clarity, quiet, contentment and very positive.
Your broadcast was excellent. I have lived this.. So true what you say. In a sense it's upsetting. I have to say.. If not for your post, I would not have understood me more. I don't know if you realize what you actually do. I have relived my childhood and can see what I have done and what was done to me. You bring both sides to the table. I had never changed perspectives. This resource has allowed me to forgive many things and many people, including myself. I found it a gift that I never had. Thank you..
I absolutely love that this human exists on our planet.
I can't believe how on point she is always. I have reached much understanding, acceptance and ultimately healing with new self awareness to apply constructively! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️
This IS the video I need. I am not compatible with my ex. We both have past trauma that has to be healed. She clings on to anything to close the gaps in her life. I have a sacracity mindset and don't want to lose her. We lasted nearly 11 years wearing masks, after the universe said enough we took off those masks and now see where we are, yeah it sucks we can't make it work but we were fortunate not to bring kids or others into the hell we created, we must heal and go out own ways, THANK YOU Teal! This all makes sense, and now thru heavy shawdow work I will heal the wounds, thank you again so much!
i have to say.. i do feel as if i’m incompatible with every single person i consider myself to be in a relationship with, after watching this video. frankly, not sure if i’m even compatible with myself.
Self limiting belief
I agree with this idea. We must be "compatible". We must be in agreement. I recognize this early. Listen to your soul intuition 🌟
I think that "changing roles" to "friendship", when one of the parties is afraid of commitment, and the other (or both) wants sexual relationship, or even long partnership (marriage or similar) is a very bad idea. Break up and no contact is the best way out, it saves both parties a lot of unnecessary suffering.
Agreed.
It's painful to try to be friends with someone you care About romantically.
It's not like she said ''you ALWAYS have to be friend instead''. Sometimes you'll also want to keep being friend with that person but they won't want that.
It’s possible to be friendly, but not friends. Most people who offer or ask to stay friends aren’t sincere.
Amanda McHugh : I think what you’re saying is very possible and likely beneficial in relationships where additional interaction is necessary, such as when a separated/divorced couple need to co-parent children, or there are business interests the two are involved in, or they move in the same social circles.
Generally, though, I think the effort spent transitioning from romantic partners to separate/broken up/uncoupled to “whole, healed” individuals to acquaintances to friendship...that’s a lot of intellectual and emotional resources invested into a process with little identifiable merit. I think the only way I’d be friends with a former romantic partner is if I didn’t really care romantically about him to begin with. If I was emotionally and romantically invested in the person, there’s really nothing different or better I could offer in friendship that I didn’t offer in the romantic attachment.
If you have kids and you don't have a romantic feeling about that person being friends is the absolute best thing you can do
Teal, I've been making changes in my life over the past 4/5 months and this video has made me realise that I haven't been authentic to myself or the people around me due to past experiences and family life. The next video I watch will be "How to be Authentic" and hopefully I'll make a brakethrough. You're like my very own psychiatrist. Thank you!
Insanely Attracted to and love someone you're incompatible with. Nice joke god.
No doubt. It's rough
Lily Ann im sorry but this is not love..this is codependency
Lily Ann The joke is blaming God for the imperfections u should work on
Happened to me as well. We are not together anymore because it never worked out... we made each other unhappy, unfortunately.
I still love him and I miss him... it's painful.
Not God doing it to you.
So true. Incompatibility is huge even in small things.
This is one of the main underlying reasons that relationships often fall apart. It takes time to learn if you and your partner are truly compatible at the deepest levels. The irony is that even if you find you...people change. You might wake up one day to discover the one you married back then is not the same person you are still together with. That is a strong argument agains the marriage pathway, which is already littered with many obstacles.
Actually it's not really true. The problem lies in the dating, which is mere a "hanging out" than real , purposeful dating. People don't really know too much about their spouses once they get married! Why? Because they avoid talking difficult "sensitive" topics before, out of fear that this will scare off the other person. And , funnily, enough, it SHOULD scare off the other person, if this person is incompatible with you.
And no, people DON'T change. Your perception of this person changed. If you ask yourself (if that's your case, of course) how much did you know about your wife before marrying her, about her family home, family dynamics, her faith, values, her dreams and priorities.... what would you answer? If the marriage failed either the person didn't tell you the truth about all of the above, or you never really asked her about it.
Another thing is - it's super easy to say :"He/she just changed". What's your role in not making the relationship work? After all, it takes two to tango.
There are levels to compatibility, it’s mainly the incompatibility of where to focus on such compatibility within relationships.
You hit the nail on the head at so many levels. Thank you for your videos.
Thank you so much!! After 16yrs. with my husband who is totally opposite from me, I learned from you today that I can accept the truths and be lovingly honest with him that we are incompatible. This is a huge relief but it's scary because I'm a person who has been trying to fit and I'm really hurting. Thank you for sharing on this topic!! I'm going to watch the authentic video next! Hugs!
Very well put. This is incredibly accurate and I have witnessed this both personally and in the relationships around me.
This is the most amazing and hard hitting video on compatibility that I've ever seen. We need to be real with ourselves first.
excellent topic and dealt with beautifully. I am waiting for your video on why people are attracted to another.
Radhika Prasad Actually, in the past Teal already made such video. It's called "Is love enough".
Be authentic! Be authentic!
Damn.. Teal, this has striked me so hard cuz is actually what I'm going through and as yup is totally taboo for how real and tough it is but gotta sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a shining beacon of light in the life of so many people out here :)
Namaste!!
it truly is a harsh reality but I thank you for putting this into the right words so I can take this truth to 'heart and move forward more 'realistically' than' i did previously.
I needed this video right now, your posting times can be scary at times exactly when I need them.
Why scary ? It's more of a beautiful synchronicity :)
Same...
Best explanation ever about the incompatibility in primär family.
My whole past relationship explained in one video. The funny thing is that I watched this video when I was in that relationship and inside I was like "yeah this is so true" but then I would try to "fix" my partner, change myself to fit his needs etc etc and now that the relationship is over, this video makes so much sense to me. I don't feel ready yet to change his role in my life, let's say as a friend, even tho he wanted to be friends. But I feel like I need to heal first, let the romantic relationship go until I can see him as a friend. Thanks for your videos always, I learn a lot!
I feel so close to her, I feel like she knows what I'm going through. She explains the topic so effectively.
The relationship between last child and first child is the true meaning of this. Last child is the parent last effort into creating the best child so the child end up being denied of their true needs and filled with stuff parents wanted during various stage of life. The first child is the helping hand as none of parents knew what they were doing at that point. The first child get identity of a caretaker .when they find each other the first child is happy to have another project and the last child finds that they same situation at home witch good at first but after having first kid it turns around as it takes two to take care of it.
wisdomm zzero so you think this dynamic works best?
You forgot to mention the middle child. It's better to be first or last rather than middle. The middle child often has to conform, exhibits people-pleasing behaviours, generally a good kid or a rebel. The middle kid suffers most of those. The last child is often the most beloved and spoiled one.
This video opened my eyes. So so much to chew on. I just don't have any more words...