Why You Can't Leave The Relationship (Intermittent Reinforcement) - Teal Swan -
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- Опубліковано 10 вер 2024
- In this episode, Teal explains that we have to awaken to the reality that some of us are in relationships that are based on intermittent reinforcement. In this kind of relationship, the things we need, like love, are only granted inconsistently, unpredictably and occasionally. But the fact that they are granted occasionally, keeps us hooked. We are owned by the relationship. We build up so much despair and starvation that when we get a single scrap, the relief we experience by getting a scrap feels like nirvana and we begin to chase that feeling and do anything we can do to get it.
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Teal Swan is a personal transformation revolutionary. She was born with a range of extrasensory abilities and is a survivor of severe childhood abuse. Today she uses her gifts as well as her own harrowing life experience to inspire millions of people towards authenticity, freedom and joy and teaching people how to transform their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain.
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“Abuse is not usually the conscious intent, but it is abuse none the less.” Damn. I needed to hear that.
wow
If it's unacceptable behavior, but we accept it as normal, we're feeding the abuse we're receiving. So actually making our abuser an abuser. Even if they don't want to be...
I don’t feel the same after watching this and that makes me happy because I can sense a shift inside my heart. I believe my life’s about to change. Thank you.
How goes it?
I love this comment I can relate to the feeling you’re talking about.
A sense of peace that the torment is about to dissipate due to understanding it for what it is.
Update: I just rewatched this video. I took the advice 3 years ago and I’m in a better place than I was. I’m single, plugged into a healthy community and in a flow of abundance and compassion for myself on a level I’ve never known. It’s a beautiful time right now. This video was part of a greater journey to recognize where I was at the time, disconnect from it and reconnect to God and myself. It’s been years of good work and it doesn’t stop but the choices in the more beneficial direction have compounded and I’m grateful to see how far I’ve come.
@@monetpetals86
I am so happy for you ❤ you are inspirational and I wish I could relate to you. This video as well feels like a relief, but so painful as well. I hope I will be happier like you are in the future. Thank you for sharing 🙏❤️🌹
@@monetpetals86awesome. Thank you
That feeling when you see yourself in the mirror after watching this
“I am the rat”
I was a scientist, and when I realized that I wanted to end it. And now I feel like a rat
its like I know Im the toxic one, and I ended it. but she fought for me next 1 month. idk I want out of this hell I put my self in
@Ben O. Verbich I dont know how to love her. Her last text was dont message me again. And 2 days later through music I heared I was her wish. And next 1 month I would get sings that she wants me back. But I dont have motivation to go after her. I need something else now. There was also some triangulation where I heared she has a husband. Honestly I dont have the heart in me to try and connect to her again. She felt like home to me, but this house doesnt feel like home anymore. And idk how to aproach her. And honestly Ill never change. She kept persuing carrear and was always bussy. I wanna find someone that I can go out with at least once in 2 months. In 2 months while we were in heaven together she was always bussy never went out once. Idk I dont know what she needs from me. A long distance relationship where we dont see each other? And then she complains how I dont give her attention. But I know somewhere deep down inside me I do want her. I just dont know how to get on the same page with her. Does she want me to hug a ghost of her and that way she would feel my ghost hugging her? Im tired of communicating to her through dreams only, Ive dreamed so long I cannot dream anymore
@Ben O. Verbich I also keep meeting couples who are in same situation as Im with her. I see how fragmented the world became xd and her in other people does want for me in other people to commit. But then me in other people wants to be alone. One part of me knew that we couldnt hold on. One part of her says that liying is easyer then hurting me, I heared she has a husband. I just wanna start a new story with someone else. But somehow I still feel like she has my heart. When I let her go she did come back and idk. This could all be much simpler if I can see her in real life and talk for like 10 min, to find what the truth is. But insted I deleted her number when she said dont text me. But I still feel connected to her arghh. I felt foreverness with her at one point. I told her while I had her number still that I heared she had husband so I stonewalled her. I tried moving on, she told me that husband thing was a lie.... I still see signs to go back to her... idk, I just wish I can see her eyes again. Iv hid in the darkness for too long I dont see her light any longer. And I know trust needs time to be rebuilt. I dont even know if I want her anymore after all that happened. Well part of me wants her
@Ben O. Verbich I guess xd. Ive beein living in my head for too long. Im so dumb man. While in separation from the one I fell in love with. Another showed up and told me she loves me, and I fell for her too. And then I had emotions for 2. And I kept going left and right and idk. I think the first one was the one I should have stayed. Idk what Im doing. Its like I take a step in one direction, it doesnt feel good and then I go run the other way. But I know that good things take time. And I gotta go through that unconfortable feelings I guess. I say I want a relationship but Im distracting nyself with hobbys idk
I spent years putting together what you lay out here in 20 minutes. It did feel like coming out of an alternate universe.
Sagenerd FACTS
Exactly mee too
She is the universe
Exactly!! Because you finally get in touch with your real emotions and your true self 🙏
Agreed. I feel like Neo flying away at the end of the Matrix (1) 😂
Wow. I first watched this in 2018. Feeling so lost and terrified after a breakup.
I’ve done a lot of inner work since then. And came back across this video. And I have to say, like teal says, if you make it out of this addiction, it will feel like coming out of a dream. My whole life is different.
Not every breath is heavy anymore.
If I can leave, you can too. Even if it takes baby steps 💕
AmberPlaster hey, so there is hope :) going through it right now...bf left 3 weeks ago for his hometown without any warning and i ve been all alone ever since. getting an occasional phone call or text. i am in bad withdrawal and the dynamic is exactly as described in the video...any small sign from him gives me relieve even though it s barely anything. trying to find the courage to tell that i can t go on like this...even though i am not even sure he wants to be with me. how long did it take you to feel good again? the pain from the withdrawal is almost unbearable
What helped you? I’m not winning this battle after one 13 months.
@@andrewmcfarlane3274 self-care. An almost embarrassing amount of "selfish" behavior. MAssages, walks, getting my nails done, doing things that raise my confidence. It felt weird at first...
thank you so much for this
Thank you for saying even baby steps. I've been taking them but this dam economy is killing me.
The sickening truth is that there are so many videos out there that actually tech this technique "Bread crumbing" to hook a person.
Interesting. Never knew they taught it. Will look into that for my own good
"how to make someone fall in love with you..." Ew. @@MsChantae
I honestly do not believe these type of people watch videos and take notes on how to be an ahole to other people. Rather, I believe this behavior is a deeply ingrained pattern from their own childhood, and continues into their adulthood. Trying to mimic such behavior, would not work.
If there are videos teaching this, I would be hard pressed to believe it would even stick, and again, I feel must be learned via someone's longterm environment and or upbringing. If a victim of such abuses, you'll know the difference.
This is the kind of stuff I need to hear... it's hard when you're in a relationship and are trying your best to make things work, addressing their concerns .. hearing them out... meeting their needs and requests only NOT to be met with the same effort in return and 'logical excuses' why things can never change and be consistent... the simple things are lacking.. you argue with him/her for the same things over and over and then u get slapped with the words, "how many times we gonna argue about this, we've been through this already"... well my response is always, "well if the issues weren't still happening, there'd be no reason to still talk about this"... it's hard and Teal is right... it's not love... it's the need to feel loved from a person you're giving your all too.. and the sooner we find the strength to know he/she is not worth it.. the sooner we'd make room for the right person to come into our lives..
This is where I am at. It’s a painful realisation 😰
SanchaBella yes it is.. and it’s even harder to walk away but you can’t let yourself be subjected to living a half life... the same way you love him is the same love u need in return.. so keep ur heart open and keep looking.. there’s no reason to cut off anyone else if he’s not stepping up to be the man you need so let him step aside❤️
Your statement literally spoke to my soul.
Your words are literally a transcript of what I have experienced! If someone actually presented it to me as "here, I have a record of the conversations", I would believe them.
I am so sorry you have had to go through this and at the same time there is a sigh of relief that it does not happen to just me.
Thank you, hope you're doing better!
You couldn't have said it better. It's painful and really emotionally overwhelming to have to let go, especially since they've made up their minds and my own people pleasing won't let me let them walk away. But it has to happen. I just care about them so much
MY LIFE HAS CHANGED COMPLETELY AFTER THIS VIDEO...
“The illusion they’ve changed IS the pellet, they bring you in and then the illusion goes away again” !!!! ❤
I've been in this kind of relationship and finally there's been an explanation why it's never gone anywhere despite all my efforts and my false hope. I'm leaving for good now. I want to be vibrant again.
i feel you so much
💗🎊🎉 Vibrant. Sounds so lovely and exactly what it is! Don't dim the light.
@@bbdn5123✨️ getting your SPARKLE back ✨️ 💖
@@bbdn5123✨️sparkle✨️
I started to figure this stuff out
15 years ago, if there's major red flags in your relationships you have to walk away if you ever
Hope to find someone better
wow. this is a huge eye opener, and yet a bit heart breaking
Holy Crap!!!
You just spoke 100% of what I have been going through for the last 3.5 plus yrs with a man...I am ready for change.
thank you
Intermittent Reinforcement - where a reward is randomly, unpredictably and inconsistently given, like how gambling hooks people.
"Some people fear intimacy. They fear the closeness that comes with relationships. They suffer from insecure attachments, especially people who are avoidant or who experience the avoid and detachment."
"If we put up with intermittent reinforcement in our adult relationships it is a guarantee we experienced intermittent reinforcement in our earliest relationships. Think back to mom and dad, especially the most influential adult
figures in your childhood. Lets just pretend we lived in a world where Law of Attraction didn't exist. Lets pretend that you could have consistency in your relationships as a child and line up somehow as an adult with inconsistency in your relationships. You wouldn't put up with it for 3-1/2 seconds, you would end up getting frustrated with the Intermittent Reinforcement, you'd be like 'Screw this dude, I know what it's like to be on the other side of Consistent
Reinforcement, peace out.' So why do we put up with it? Because based on our earlier relationships we learned this is how love should feel.
"Take a look at the people in your early life. Did any of them meet your needs, especially your emotional needs, Only inconsistently, unpredictably and occasionally? I'm going to tip you off to a really covert pattern. Often the
parent we feel the closest to and the most affection for, that we always want desperately in love is the one who in fact practiced Intermittent Reinforcement with us.
"If you are in an Intermittent Reinforcement relationship there is absolutely no middle ground. Consistency is the only answer. It's the only way to live a healthy life within the context of this relationship. To live in a healthy relationship you have to have consistency. You have to have consistency to develop emotional security within a relationship. And so either you develop security or you remain miserable for the rest of your life or you cut that person loose.
"So I'm going to be really super blunt with you. Either you have a partner who is willing to work towards consistency with you and to create it in the relationship or you're with a partner who has absolutely no intention of this
and whose intention is in fact to control you completely. They have no intention of changing this pattern because it serves them to stay in control and keep you the rat in the cage with its paw obsessively on the lever so they can ensure that their needs are met. If you're with this kind of partner you have reason to be afraid, you cannot trust them because they in fact intend, either consciously or subconsciously, to betray your best interest for their own aim which is to control you. This desire to control you also has its roots in trauma, but before you fall into the co-dependent pattern of thinking you can heal them, it must be known that it is highly unlikely that anyone, least of all you, will be able to do this because controlling you benefits them. It's how they avoid their own shadows.
"The only person who can decide to face their own shadows is the person themselves. You're never going to get somebody to do this."
"You spend your life lining up with inconsistent partners trying desperately to do "You spend your life lining up with inconsistent partners trying desperately to do anything you can to make them consistent because this is in fact what you needed from your parents. You're trying to solve these old wounds. You're trying to make your inconsistently loving partner into the loving and consistent partner you always wanted.
"They have to be willing of consistently granting of your needs within the relationship, they have to respond, regardless of the fact they don't feel like responding. For example, I may not FEEL like getting close to you even though I know its what you need me to do and what the health of the relationship requires me of me. I have to do it anyways. on top of that I have to look at the aspect of me that is causing me to not want to respond in that way knowing that I have to get close and closeness is the key to making this relationship healthy. Lets address the aspect of me that is saying don't get close, pull away."
"Stop nagging and begging your partner. If they are not giving you what you need even after you have told them what you need go get it elsewhere."
-- Teal Swan
So insightful, thank you.
Nevillution great comparison. I wish i wouldnt have read the comments before i watched the entire video, bc now i know the message before it is over
When I asked my love avoidant ex what he feared the most in the relationship he said with a loud voice "YOU"!! (Referring to the fact I wanted to cuddle and compliment him all the time ). He never wanted closeness. He never wanted to create a consistent, safe relationship with me. .. this video confirms again he was an abuser. maybe unconscious but at several moments definitely conscious. .every sentence of this video made my head nod. I have been attracting sweet and mean guys since I was 17, thanks to my crazy bpd covert narc mother who also could be sweet and mean. I even recognize this dynamic with my cat. my favorite cat is the one who can be incredibally sweet and affectionate but also bites and hisses. my other cats are also very sweet but I am addicted to my sweet mean cat. I feel like I am "in love" with that cat for 10 years now. he never bores me.
Wanting to cuddle and compliment all the time seems like a lot though. I can see why he would withdraw.. We don't want too much of a good thing because then it gets overwhelming
@@MuseSunflower She was doing something that would drive him to withdraw, but he is abusive. She isn't ready to see that they both abused each other, in differing, but interconnected ways. Each forming a part of the whole relationship, each playing their role, in their previous learnt dance steps.
@@parrotshootist3004 Well yeah. I was for a few years in the receiving end of that kinda relationship, but I allowed it. I gave my resources I could have used to more fulfilling life, to the kind of person who'd make me feel miserable most of the time by being absent and coming whenever it suited her. But she had her reasons, like me, and I was well aware of what it was doing to me but kept going.
The most genuine and consistent person in my life who took me as the real me, was my pet rat. Every day when I came home from work, he'd be waiting at the front door and when I kneeled, the happiness in his eyes was there for everyone to see and he gave me kisses and never failed there. Why can't we humans do that?
@@MikkoMurmeli You really want an answer? It's somewhere between, and the resultant implications of, before and after you read consider this if there are three kinds of people in this world, sheep, sheepdogs and wolves where are the shepherds?;
archive.org/details/addressestothege00fichuoft/page/18
archive.org/details/LionniTheLeipzigConnectionSystematicDestructionOfAmericanEducation1993/page/n3
"classesses in population" archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.46333/page/n37
archive.org/details/TheLimitsToGrowth
archive.org/details/organizeddemocra00stic/page/n11
Daphne Wessel I don’t think wanting to cuddle all the time is bad, I would actually love that. I think the key is finding a partner who loves cuddles just as much as you.
I've watched this video about maybe 3 times & ive cried every time. This time I've cried even more. You're amazing, Teal. Thanks so much!.
Me, too.
I try to watch it several times each day 🥰
It helps me remember that what I’m feeling was manufactured. I’m not angry at the one doing it though. Is that normal? I think they do it subconsciously and not maliciously. It’s good to know however. It helps me keep an even keel and not lose my head and be consistent.
🙈🙋♀️Me too watched it like 10 times over 2 months before sending it to the latest scientest unconsiously keeping me in a cage. Then cutting the cord. Its as hell of a hard process coming to this realization but necessary. I was literally dying.. My soul.. My whole being.. Dying inside.. Like I had enough. But after feeling the emotions that cutting off triggers.. and sitting with those feelimgs not suppressing them them like Teal suggests.. After a few weeks you get a strange feeling like a huge weight was lifted from you.
Same. I keep coming back to it so I don't forget this lesson
OMG! Teal, you posted this video years ago and only today have I finally found the answer to my miserable relationships! THANK YOU! You have saved the rest of my life 🙏🙏🙏
Oooooooh my god!!!! Just got out of an on and off relationship and felt like an addict on a drug withdrawal for month within this relationships. Your words just opened my heart and mind!! You are an angel giiiirl!!!
This is my fav video of her... When she said you're not in a relationship you're addicted.. It hit me straight... Thanku for opening my eyes my dear Teal...I love you ❤️
"Stop nagging or begging your partner. If they are not giving you what you need even after you have told them what you need, go get it elsewhere."
"you get to decide whether you want a life with them that will be the way it is right now for as long as you are together. Or whether that is too painful and has cost you too much and so you are going to get up and walk away from the relationship."
"It will be extremely difficult to move past this relationship because it is not a relationship. It is an addiction. You will go through withdrawals from the chemicals that your own body produces and fall into the very thing you are trying to avoid by engaging in the relationship, just like a street drug addict when they choose to quit using. So don’t be hard on yourself if it feels like you’ve lost yourself in the relationship and like your life falls apart by leaving them."
Preach!
I understood I am the one manipulating and being in the game of intermittent reinforcement at the same time. thank you for helping me to get concious of those things. wish you so much success, light and love. kisses from Brazil
Acontecendo comigo agora :(
Esse vídeo foi muito bom ❤
Teal Swan. Can we just make you Dr Teal Swan? Because this is a major diagnosis right here.
Well said!!
Definitely the rat
Rat for adecade
And this is what you deliberately put me through? Without me knowing about this why i am in constant withdrawal not functioning my mind is a mess and unable to function in society? This is the way you treat me?
They made me a puppy puppet
And then they are annoyed and bored that the guy is boring and sissy like
15 years... that's how long I spent in this type of relationship.
I can't tell you how many times I've left, or how many times he's "changed".
I've lost so many friends and relationships with family members over it.
This time needs to be the last time.
This video is everything to me right now... thank you Teal
I was with someone who kept trying to manipulate and control me in this manner luckily I stayed strong and wouldn't let him in. I think a lot of men who are insecure use this as a means to control women. I felt like I was living in a prison.
+dannypbass very true that our past and up bringing have influence on our views and issues glad you got out!
As soon as u feel like its prison, u know the truth
That explains perhaps the feelings of wanting to "be free". That prison etiquette... Children deserve to be free and loved unconditionally. Now it's up to us ☝🏽🌌💖💫
I was with a Narcissit and everything you have said is absolutely true! it's hard for ppl that have never been through it will be the first to talk crap. They will say "just leave" or "why are you worried about him of he was abusive". I have learned that these people are not worth the explanation. I lived through HELL with my narc and I can say Teal hot it right on the head when explaining the addiction. I was taken to heaven for the first 3 months then he slowly stayed devaluing me. lil things like is that what your wearing or why can't you listen. I spent the remainder of trying to do everything right but it was never good enough. As soon as he saw how tired of his crap I was he would do something I thought wad sweet like bringing me a flower. of course he went right back to being the evil man he was in 2.4 seconds. Teal is right on and this is coming from someone who has actually lived through it. not just throwing my opinion out there without proof. love you teal btw ;)
how did you leave ?
I knew how I was being treated wasn't right. I was tired and enough was enough. I did it for my kids. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Therapy and lots of inner work. UA-cam self help videos. Regaining my self esteem and realizing he prayed on my insecurities so I worked in those. I'm still working on myself everyday but I an stronger everyday too. He is already on to his next victim so he's leaving me be for now. They never leave you alone so you have to go no contact!
Yes, this is what I got through the last 5 years of my relationship. It took 2 years to finally cut the chords and I did this 3 weeks ago and it was a immediate relieve.
+Sandra Heilemann remember it is just like an addiction so you can relapse if he tries to get a hold of you again. I thank God I can't stand him But I'm still working on my mind running. some days are better than others.
+Jerano Gooden it won't get better. I thought they could change but they can't and won't. agood luck
yep, been in intermittent reinforcement tangles before... super frustrating. Thankfully, I've finally managed to break free from that cycle. Very happy :)
Well done
Awesome well done 🎉🎉🎉🎉
Dozens & dozens of brilliant comments sharing all on the same day of post. We all must realize we are not alone & I know all are thankful to Teal's intellect.
I love you teal. Currently dealing with a horrible divorce after 1 year of marriage and 5 years of the relationship. It’s so hard walking away knowing you’d do anything to keep it, but looking at my situation the marriage was unhealthy and it was the best thing to do. This video makes me feel not so alone and gives me great hope for the future, no matter how sad I am currently. Thank you teal 💕
This is very accurate to my last relationship, no one understood why it was so difficult for me to end it with him. This explains it, it was an addiction.
I also live in such a relationship. I am very happy about this difficult situation. As I know that the devils are your best teachers. The way I handle it is by learning to love unconditionally yourself and others, so in the end your ego is sort of gone and you can follow your heart with ease. The romantic touch of the relation will be weekend of course and the relation will become more of a friendship. For me the meaning of life is to learn and experience and not to avoid problems.
Wow!! This finally made me realize a lot about my relationships. Not only do I always attract these kind of men, I finally understand why I'm so incredibly sad when somebody in my family suddenly changes their opinion or suddenly is in a bad mood. I always thought I'm weird and take everything personally, but it just triggers that feeling that people are inconsistent with their love and that I'm not safe and need to win back their love again.. I also realized that my dad would sometimes "feed me" with words that promise something in the future or make me think everything is good although the action was never there.. To this day I tend to believe crap men tell me while treating me like shit because I put all of my hope onto their words.. Crazy!! How can I change this?! Will the Completion Process help? I feel like my coping mechanism shifted to lethargy because taking action feels so unsafe.
This is very simple in words and was mentioned in video: personal boundaries. Write on paper what you can accept, what you cannot. In the first period when you don't feel confident enough, treat them as a law. No exception to any rule you have written. When you'll start FEEL what boundaries are, then you may make them more elastic.
Another concept is stop being rescuer all the time. Before you do something ask yourself if you feel like doing it, you got resources to do it. If you feel like it's enforced obligation, then it's red flag.
Watch videos about codependency (how to help yourself), cluster B personality disorders (with who you dealing with).
It took me 8 years to withdraw from that kind of relationship. When I said I know what my issue is and I'm not getting back to codependent pattern anymore (over one year of therapy and self education on the topic), she just change source of supply on another guy, whom she keep around about one year.
Man, I feel that too! When someone seems upset around me I feel the pull to try to win back their love. I have become more conscious of it over the past several years and stop myself when I am aware of it. But I go into extreme fight or flight feelings in an argument with someone I love, every time in deep fear of them leaving and that I need to be good/better and win their love back. It hurts so much to realize and release this... I only hope to see people who truly love me still with me as I let go of the need to be a good compliant little girl for them.
CupNoodleKitty raise your standards of the men you date. If you notice things about them that make you feel really uncomfortable to be with them, then stop dating them. Maybe stop dating people altogether until you are sure of what you want and what you don't want. Maybe on an unconscious level you are attracted to people who are inconsistent for unknown reasons. Maybe a safe, secure, and stable relationship might feel boring to you at this point in your life. Ask yourself why are you dating these people anyways? What's so important about dating these guys that makes you feel like you have to sacrifice your own sense of comfort and happiness? Someone is going to add to your life, or take away from it. Ultimately you are the one who will allow people to do that. Don't be afraid to be alone if you say no to someone who isn't quite right for you. Keep saying no to the wrong ones so that the universe knows you will only accept the right one, and nothing less. And when you spend enough time away from the wrong people, then you will know with certainty in your heart when you are with the right person.
Greedy Rick Thank you so much for the helpful reply! That's what I'm doing :)
Medina Lake, if they don't still love you, when you do what is good for you, then they never truly loved you. I think you know this. Don't worry about what they think or feel. Honor yourself first or you will be stuck in these downward pulling type of relationships.
OMG this is EXACTLY what has happened to me in the relationship I've been trying to leave. THANK YOU for clarifying the situation so I don't feel like a crazy person AND so I can set my boundaries and get back to a place where I can heal...and hopefully one day I can find the beautiful, healthy relationship that I deserve.
I can hardly believe the perfect timing of Teal's videos. My boyfriend tried to kill me a few days ago. Had to go to the ER and everything. Filed a friggin police report... Never experienced physical abuse in an intimate relationship before.
Whitney Wilder RUN!!
Some parents do this to their children. Mine did. I had to cut my mother off because of this sort of abuse. unless you get to the root of the problem and cut it out, you will meet the very same people EVERYWHERE!!
Ms. Esq so so true! 😏
Resonating with this
It's tough dealing with a Mother who does this. I hope you were able to fully break free.
Very true. Have you done any research on personality disorders? Your mom might be suffering from BPD or NPD. Im asking because if you’re anything like me, there was some severe trauma that came from the abuse. There are very little resources out there for recovery, but I have managed to find support groups online. There are very few differences between BPD and NPD, but I’ve found those differences to be very important with determining how to go about the healing process.
Yes
Omg! Teal you are amazing! God sent me to this video. I am so dumping him!
No don't. Give him a chance!
Yeah. Because next week's video may be: Why You Can't Stay In The Relationship (The Sequel) -
GreatestPotential
Not a fan of sarcasm but well spoken in this case.
People these days do a little reaseach and/or watch a video and they are convinced to have all the wisdom they need to make life(s)changing events happen.
Treat these video's as an additive to your knowledge, not as a replacement!
Xalted De Thank you. Good advice. I can tell you're intelligent and thoughtful enough to know when someone means well.
+Xalted De both of you have no clue of why I made that decision so don't judge unless you have full information. Take care
This is life changing. Thank you for being so clear and factual about what needs to happen. I am definitely finding myself in this pattern as the rat in a multiple relationships including the 18yr marriage I just recently got a divorce from. Time to heal
Omg this is so crazy I literally attracted this video it clears up everything for me
This is the most powerful information I’ve ever heard about relationships. Def a “lightbulb moment“💡 Thank you 🙏🏻
Ty Ms Teal. You saved me from prolonging my misery of 4 years any further. You are a blessing
I wish I had seen this video 3 years a go.. I hope this get to as many people as possible.. thank you for making these
What happens when the rat becomes self aware and starts messing with the scientist?
Mattis 😂😂😂
WOW! This was quite a watch. Beginning to end. This was the most complete description and solution I've ever seen in a single. So very well done. You're exceptional at what you do.
Been a rat for 25 years, trying to figure out how to escape the cage for the past 10.
This video is on point. I swear you were speaking specifically about me...
Did u escape ?? Omg girl u need counseling seek helpp
Krista Cabana I'm in the process of watching the video again and just read your comment. I really hope you've managed to get away from your "partner" by now. 🤔
WOW!!! That was the most powerful youtube video I've ever seen! I now realise I've been a victim of many intermittent reinforcement relationships. Thank you Teal so much for making this. I feel like I just read the answers to my relationship exams. I know exactly what happened now and exactly why I felt and behaved like I did.
this is absolutely amazing. I just came out.... in the process of .. of a disfunctional relationship like that. I have been trying to tell other my inner struggles but I only got the response: he is a jerk leave him. but I knew it was something more, I came to these conclusion within myself, just by experience, but no one understood me. I knew I wasn't mad, I knew I had not imagined it all, the many many rewards at the beginning, the withdrawal a few months later, then again bliss of love even stronger than the first time around, then 7 months later the withdrawal again. this time around I knew what I had in front of me, months of agony. but the hope was there all the time, either for the short term reward, and for the long term one. it has kept me going for 2 years of pure pain in exchange of a few smiles. I am so relieved as seeing all explained in here. I thought I was mad. I am at the beginning of a journey to freedom but its hard nonetheless. the withdrawal symptoms are excruciating. the void is huge. the days are endless. listening to these videos is helping. many thankjs
i know that terrible, howling place. persevere. howl back at the void. fight for yourself. and listen to your heart first and always. people often dismiss our emotional pain and needs. only you truly understand where you come from and what you need. only you know what you need in every moment. i am trying my best to get over him and i know the future reward is not only equal to the pain i now feel, it will surpass it. even if nobody else in the world will love me again, i will love myself. and i will know i overcame this. i will know my strength. my heart goes out to you. stay on the path. even if it feels like you're crawling through mud and barely making it through the day, it's progress. it's saying to the universe: i matter. i won't go down without a fight. one day you'll turn back and you'll see miles and miles of agony behind you. and freedom ahead. and you'll BE free. as you are now. from freedom to freedom, from love to love.
Hang in there. We are many going through this. The pain is excruciating, but take just one day at a time. Like quitting a drug addiction. One day you'll look back and will be proud of yourself for overcoming this and feeling free
Take it easy sister. One good thing you can do is replace that void with something genuine. Self-introspection and walks in nature are something I highly recommend, but you need other people too, no way around it. Just better accept that most of them might ghost you when you discover more of who you truly are and when you start to live your kinda life. That's what's been happening to me I think at least, might also be because I was acting somehow wrong to them, but not sure that's it.
Teal, you're a beautiful human being. You helped me survive my torturous breakup last summer and this video solidified why I stayed in it for so long. Thank you for your insight and life changing videos. 😘
Teal, I was in such a relationship. My escape route started when I realized am being used. I started flirting with two other ladies, and became closer with time. This gave me a chance to scrutinise my partner without fearing rejection. Am the happiest guy. Thanks
Holy Mac this was eye opening. Teal you made this clear as day....
teal, this video literally made me realize what has been happening in past 10 years of my life, i may cry
me too, 9 years of hell.. :(
Oh my god this is why I can't let go of my ex :O
No. It's because you want something from him.
@@Misslotusification agreed
Do a cord cutting spell
@@chichichiugo8532 how?
@@chichichiugo8532 its dangerous to cut cords. I tryed it, they just grow back up like weeds, you gotta pull the roots of the cord out. I was able to feel the cords a year ago, when I was super intuitive. But this addictive relationship drained me of my extra sensory powers
teal thank you so much. my dad practiced intermittent reinforcement and I'm in a relationship with an even more extreme version of that. he's an addict on top of that (but aren't we all addicts to something). this helped a lot . love you teal
fellow people.... i am in shock because i just realized that im in an abusive relationship. i would tell him i felt confused and unloved but he would tell me i was the abusive one because i would get angry..... the gasslighting... the torture... the confusion... what the f*ck is going on?
You've hit the nail on the head. I've read a lot on this subject but have never seen it explained this way. Excellent! Thank you.
Leaving my partner really did feel like I had lost my complete personal identity. Feeling lost is accurate but it felt like it was on a grander scale. She is so so right about regaining who you really are after. Leaving was the best decision of my life.
What's crazy is when I watched this video today, I realized that I had already watched and liked it months ago, but somehow ended up back in the relationship up until yesterday! It truly is an addiction and I'm trying to break free from it!
This is total manipulation and a lot of men do this to women. I have been in this relationship for 2 years where the guy keeps dangling the carrot in front of my face that one day we can spend holidays together. In 2 years I've never seen him for Christmas or Thanksgiving because he has a daughter who's not supposed to know that he is dating because he is afraid she would have a breakdown if she would find out. He committed finally to one holiday and then canceled it due to family coming into town. This is total manipulation. Thank you so much for this video. What an eye opener!
Sooooo much wisdom shared, thank you Teal
I love how this woman can cleverly articulate the bs which is actual truth of the human being 🙏⚡️🌞
Hello do you need help why don’t you try dr oba he was the one that help me get my ex back
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It doesn't matter what people say. I simply cannot disagree with anything Teal teaches. Ugh I hate it when I listen to other people instead of following my own feelings fuckit I still love you Teal
thank you teal, this video describes the exact relationship i was having and has helped me take another step away and free myself from the Addiction, thanks again, much love
Got out of it, 4 years with a borderline personality disorder partner. I just can't anymore, I lost myself but now I'm back. Never going back either. It wasn't real love it was all an illusion.
If I could give a million likes I would. This was a real eye opener. Thank you.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!! I’m a Psychology Major in Grad School and have made many changes in my relationship, but to no avail. This video was mind blowing. Thank you for stating that we cannot change the person, it is a behavior that benefits them no matter what we do. You ma’am have opened my eyes and freed me from this toxic relationship. I find is hilarious because for months and years the one thing I have always told him is “you’re not consistent” “things always have to be when you want” “it’s always about you” AND THATS WHAT YOU EXPLAINED! Gosh I can go on and on, but in the end THANK YOU !!!!
Oh my God, I finally have clarity on my life. I've felt mad for 13 years now and asked myself why can't I leave him. Thank you for this.
Casino creators know this all too well
why?? :O
she explains this in the video
Thecomplete dynamic is fucked up. And thus my minds the same so indeed everybody flees me. I get withdrawal and then i get sick needy scary to people and the cycle reboooots
This is so accurate. The irony is my ex sent it to me. He likes to project everything onto me and not take any accountability or see how he himself was the intermittent enforcer. I suppose relationships are always mirrors though and that’s why we can each watch and feel like we are each the mouse and the other is the scientist. It is painful to leave an addictive relationship, like they take a part of you with them. But in reality I was losing more of myself staying in the relationship and always going back believing it would magically be different. Teal’s video on compatibility shifted everything a while back ago. I no longer thinks it’s either one of our fault, we are truly incompatible as sad as that truth is.
😭 I am so shocked... It's like everything you said, is/was my exact predicament.... I just removed myself from the relationship and I just don't know how to feel.... But the proof is right here, in these videos, with these testaments
@@saben47 Let me assure you it only gets better!! Looking back I realize all of it HAD to happen. And it was happening FOR me. Sometimes the best gifts in life have the ugliest wrapping. And hindsight is a beautiful thing. I would have never believed myself when I was going through it and now I have only gratitude for the relationship and even more for the ending because that’s where all the gold was! So much growth came from it, and the real healing happened when I took full accountability and stopped placing any blame. Sending you love ❤️
I thought to share with mine, no won’t, cause I think of him what you think of yours, it will mess the whole agenda 😂
20:10 was so reassuring and helped me feel more sympathetic to wards me. Watch it whenever you feel down or doubt yourself ♥️♥️♥️
Oh MY GOD! this is the far best teal’s video i have seen for my past trauma💯 Thank you so much for Existing in this World Teal. Love love and only Love for you ❤
Just stumbled on this and OMG it has just opened my eyes to a relationship, I've been in for a year, been a bit off and on as it doesn't meet my needs but then end up going back as missed him, but he has become increasingly inconsistent. So many times I've wondered why I continue with him as he can be unloving, emotionless and even boring at times but at the beginning it was good, so felt there is the potential for it to be good again... But in reality it was only good for the first couple of months. My friends would say I can do so much better as have a lot going for myself but I seem to be prepared to be accepting less and less. It's only been the last couple of months I've realised that this is the most inconsistent relationship I've ever had and now this video has made me realise why! I've been putting up with it as I feel my self-esteem has been affected and fear the loneliness of not being in a relationship, but when I look back, I've never felt as alone in a relationship as I do in this.... It's time to be strong and end it. Thanks for assisting.
I just told my husband it’s over. We are divorcing, for the nth time. I hope this time it’s the right one. I can no longer stand one more day that I am used by him for his financial and career gain, while I am the one sitting on the debts and the unfinished projects.
This is unbelievable and makes so much sense . I know addiction and this was the same so much stronger. I couldn't keep away even knowing it was over . and sex was used to keep me there and me longing to get that bit of affection that rarely came anyway . He wouldn't let me live the way I used to . Thot I loved him. He constantly texts wanting to know what im doing I find myself awnsering and reasuring him. It stops! . Im still lost I can't wait to feel better. Thank you teal!
This describes my relationship with my mother and father, during and after. The fear of the journey out of the relationship was worth experiencing to get to where I am now.
Love the analogies!
This video has helped me so much. You have nailed the exact behaviour of my ex partner, from avoiding shadow to when she senses you moving away being all nice and loving and as soon as your hooked again withdrawing the pellet. Also her need to control and manipulate which are all based on her fear of facing her shadow although she pretends that she is working on it. 3 years my intuition was telling me to get out but as you say the addiction and the booom feeling of when you do finally get your needs met keeps us hooked. I watch this video every time i think its a good idea to call her. Thank you so much
RamZi - the Human SoundSystem this explains my situation with a family member
It does feel free and in fact, I'm grateful cause I found myself. So I win✨
Another MUST-WATCH video! So good. Deep learning.
Thank u Teal, u make things very clear. I've been watching Jordan Peterson, been trying shadow work, ,,, it's a year since I left an intermittent reinforcement relationship. I now have stronger boundaries. It's surprising how ppl react when u stand up for yourself :(
You NAILED it! I am dealing with one right now and you just confirmed my feelings and facts!
There were never truer words spoken. The hardest part of getting free of these relationships is that it will require a complete rebuilding of yourself at the most down and vulnerable point of your life. Chances are you have alienated your friends and family because this is one of the "gambling chips" that you play to please your controlling partner. It also feels hard to ask for help because people don't understand. They think you should be yelling "freedom!!!!" when you really feel like a road kill. Send this video to anyone you know in one of these relationships and tell them "no judgement", I am ALWAYS here for you!!!
Yes I understand. Share this it needs to be told
honestly can't tell what side I'm on of this or if it's both of us in my relationship :(
Me too! I'm going to get us in to speak to a therapist if I can... And remain estranged until we can get clear about the sources of abuse in our relationship.
Abusive people are really great at making their victim feel guilt, shame, and like you're the one who's abusive. Even so, it's not a healthy thing for either of you.
No one wins.
Oops not on my profile. :/
Yea, if they are hurtful enough and you lack other support at the time, they can get you into a reactive mode where you are contributing to the ongoing abuse, because you are so worn down. Of course you are still responsible for your behavior. But anyone under an intense and ongoing level of abuse begins to "not behave in their own best interest." The question is to ask yourself why you didn't leave sooner.. sometimes it's responsibility to kids, or mortgage, or plans, or saving face with career/family, but once they realize they can get away with it, it goes downhill from there. It can get so they give you a disapproving look and you just lose it.
Nisi psihopata ni “ludača koja ga proganja” kako tvrdi, isto kao što nisam ni ja sve ono što o meni priča.
Već neko vreme istražujem i sklapam kockice. Ovaj video me podstakao. Napokon razumem sve. Jedva sam prekinula traumatičnu emotivnu zavisnost koju mi je stvorio (pogledala si ovaj video) i shvatila da je sve ovo začarani krug manipulacije.
Niko ne zaslužuje emotivno zlostavljanje i ako mogu nekako da budem podršku, tu sam, ako želiš da čuješ moje iskustvo, piši mi i sve ću ti preneti i pokazati. Tako je i meni jedna.
Ok je i ako još uvek nisi spremna, odmahnućeš glavom i nastavićeš isto, ali znaj da sve što je bilo sa mnom, ponoviće se sa sledećom.
Izvini za sve ružno što sam ti ikad rekla i uradila, ako si pogledala video, znaš da nisam bila svoja. Zato ni ja tebe ne krivim, i ovo pismo je deo terapije, kako bih bih mogla da stavim tačku.
Molim te - Ili poštuj moju otvorenost ili ignoriši. Nemoj prenositi, posledice po meni mogu biti ozbiljne, a samo je dobra namera u pitanju 🙏
#traumabonding #emotionalabuse #narcissticabuse
This video is spot-on. Mostly describes my 7 year on-and-off relationship with my kid's mom to the tee.
The "flirting" between abusive acts and behaviors is a good example of these selfish types
This was extremely helpful in my recovery, thank you Teal Swan
if you are not in a relationship and getting what you need, go find it somewhere else! Cut your losses and walk away. Thank you, so true.
*mindblown* thank you Teal
Henya, are u supporting animal testing again? Well, I'm vegan and I did not like whatching rats treated as an experiment on this video. 😧
+Voga Madrid grow up and learn about visual metaphores. to be honest im upset by your comments.
Voga Madrid it’s an analogy for the subject matter. Has nothing to do with animal abuse.
This was and has always been the dynamic of every realtionship in my life. Little did I know, my mother in childhood first started me addicted to this dynamic, later my husband, and even after divorced later my daughter did the same thing.. Teal you are bang on! I have always been the rat in the cage, this awakening is huge for me. So huge that its empowered me to force a change within myself. Take a deeper dive into you work and what I need to heal this within myself. Your amazing thank you.
Hello do you need help why don’t you try dr oba he was the one that help me get my ex back
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I’m aware now that I’m doing this 😭 I’m super inconsistent with myself and with others. But Im taking notes. Lol it seems like I have to discipline myself into this new way of being.
Being aware of what the relationship really is and knowing you can not get out of it is a different situation. You can still set your boundary and be aware that there is never going to be any change in the situation. I can choose how I act and still take care of myself. It seems to be I have ended up in situations like this.
thank you, I have a problem with addictions, moving forward now. Bless.
good luck!
+Yuliia Radler thank you, bless.
I cannot thank you enough for what this video has done for me! I have been on the brink of insanity for the last 2 1/2 years, but listening to this has explained everything to me. I now know why I have felt the way I have felt after being with a dismissive avoidant
Thank you @Teal Swan for sharing your wisdom about relationships. I just find it so genius, the way you incorporate science in this relationship matters. You're exactly what we're looking for in the worst times of our life.
Thank you again Teal. I am happy to say that I have seen the signs and made the changes already - Boundaries and Communicating my needs- , your confirmation really does make it easier to cope with what I am going through. There is hope and I am getting stronger thanks to your videos and guidance.
You are my heroine!
Perfectly explains a relationship I was in. It took my father's death to break the spell, I was so hooked. Totally poisonous.
Holy moley! You literally explained everything ive been trying for years to understand. So many teachers get caught in the ego trap of narcissism and never go beyond that and you literally just broke it open for both parties in such a loving and compassionate way that it's even available to the avoidant person because they can now listen to it if they're ready in a way that doesn't immediately trigger them into feeling like they're the bad guy....TEAL YOU ARE GIFT IN MY LIFE AND SO MANY OTHERS. BLESS YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL!!! 💜🙏💜
I thought leaving relationships was a bad thing. Now I realize that I like "consistent pellets" and I have boundaries--my own values. Transactional relationships are not attractive. People who start trying to isolate me from my friends is a definite no-no. My parents were consistent. If anything they smothered us, and they really needed their own lives... That's probably another video. LOL My problems is grief over losing a wonderful relationship, but this was eye-opening!
This is an amazing video. Ive been sporadically watching your videos for over 10 years... but God! why didn’t this come to me sooner?! I’ve now heard it over 5 times and circulated it to my friends too.
This is exactly what I’ve been going through for over 2 years without knowing this type of psychological behaviour has been studied and documented. I thought i was with someone who had his own issues to sort out and eventually would open up.
There’s absolutely no mend in sight and yet this rat is living on scanty reinforcement and hope.
What a powerful awakening this video is to me. Asking such a partner for consistency and emotional security is asking for a 180 degree turn. Most People may be in the middle of the spectrum, not too far gone. Still it’s going to take them years of work. And that many years of further damage to the partner.
Thank you Teal. Perfect timing.
Teal gives me strength and comforts me when I feel at my worst.
Kia ora thank you Teal... now i understand!!! I see the light, my own!!! Arohanui beautiful Soul 💖💜😍💜💖
Ahhhhhhh Teal made this video 6 years ago and I’m just now watching it. I wish I would’ve seen it then, it would have saved me so much time and heartache. Now it’s time to do the work. I’ll be watching this over and over. 🙏🏻❤️