I'm in the position her partner is in, and i can see why they're upset. :( My former partner is my best friend... hurting them is something i never wanted.
@@detectivegrinch I agree with almost all you said. My problem is when you say they should never got married. You do not know when it became her ex's truth. So how to tell someone what to do, not do or when?!
This woman told, "her story" of loving someone who due to social rules was made to not love himself enough, to tell the truth. She spoke of her pain and disillusion as her dream and world crashed, then of picking up the pieces and living. Damn, folks, she is braver than a lot of us. You may not like the story but you do have to respect the courage. BRAVO EMILY
This happened to me 5 and half years ago. 20 yrs of marriage and 8 children. I found text messages on his phone and a week later found out he had syphilis. I told him to leave as soon as he told me and I’ve never felt as strong as I was in that moment. He now has a partner who I get along well with and is great to my children. I have a civil relationship with my ex but I won’t really ever be friends with him again. He doesn’t play a large part in my children’s lives despite me always initiating contact through the years. I’ve stopped initiating and leave it up to him and so he really only sees them every 3-4 months for a weekend. I had given up my career as a teacher after our 3rd was born as she was born deaf as are two more of my children so my world has been changed forever.
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@@jennifernorton5885 oh my.. after the first children didn't ocurr to you to know why was that and research if it was a congenital problem so that you can't have any more children? there is no need to reproduce..
Luciérnaga Patagónica not everything has a test and it was our choice to have a large family and what has Size of Family have to with the content of this talk... absolutely nothing!
I genuinely don't understand why there's so many hateful comments? Like, obviously it's from her point of view, and she's giving advice from that. She was obviously hurt. Wouldn't you be? Putting sexuality aside, wouldn't anyone be angry if their spouse cheated on them (which was the impression I got. Whether physically or emotionally)? Bringing sexuality into the relationship makes the situation all the more difficult. And down to the core of her talk, it seems to me that the message to both sides is "Tell the truth, and don't blame the other person if you want to heal." And that can be expanded to literally any sort of betrayal situation.
Thanks for your insightful comment. I didn't handle myself perfectly in our situation, but I am grateful for the experience because I learned and grew from it. Thankfully, my ex and I now have a wonderful relationship, and at the crux of my message, I wanted people to know that healing is possible. Be well. Thanks for expressing yourself here. Emily Reese
Tonyburgessful He really did love me. There was so much to share and very limited time to do it. I loved him; he loved me. There were things he didn’t know even about himself fully until later in our marriage, and I am glad we married! We have three beautiful children together and a great step dad in their life now that my ex married. Wish I could talk for days about all we learned and the ways we both changed! Many blessings to ya.
Kayleona As a result she told usit was a huge influx of kids there a little loud to know what’s going on with the child question is do you wanna speak to your case manager so she says I’m like wait what is going,
My husband just came out to me. I feel like my entire world was flipped upside down.... but I’m so happy he told me, and I really hope he finds happiness.
THIS TALK, WAS JUST WHAT I NEEDED. GLAD, THAT HE IS NOW HER "EX" !! HURTING INNOCENT PEOPLE, IS NO JOKE. YOUR CLOSETED HOMOSEXUALITY, DOES NOT GIVE YOU EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS, TO INJURE ANOTHER'S SOUL !! YOUR "COMING OUT", PUTS THEM INTO THE DARKNESS OF THE CLOSET, WHICH ONCE HELD YOU. NO FAIRNESS THERE.
I found out after 21 years together and going through infertility treatments. And by that time I was too old to have children. No it’s not easier or better when there are no children. It’s sadder because if he had lived his authentic self I might have had a different life with the family that I wanted.
Having been in the shoes of this presenter I can tell you that while I understood why he did what he did was because he was living in fear and pain, what he did to me was emotionally brutalizing. His lack of care and regard for someone that he claims to this day that he loved.....You don't use people you love like that. You use inferiors like that. In his mind I was never an equal, I was a tool to defend him against his fears between he and his family. His fears were valid. My right to live a life with at least the possibility of as successful personal life was also valid. We both lost years of our lives by living his lie.
@@armymanssg508 Actually it IS possible to be a normal, kind person with love and consideration for others without believing in the religious nonsense. I would even say it's easier.
I'm gay and I would be devastated to make a woman suffer with this kind of lies... I know many gays did it cause society force them to get married and to follow the rules which denied them so I can't blame them one second but these spouses/husbands are really collateral victims too. So many dramas coming from homophobia...
Same. I thoroughly prefer to die alone than living a lie and bringing innocent people into it. That man hurt this woman and most possibly his kids too, just because society said it was the correct thing to do. This is collateral damage and only the opressing society is to blame.
You don't have multiple kids over night. He must have managed to act straight and hold up the facade of a "normal" life for an extremely long time. Seems like he really hoped that he could change himself and become straight. That's what straight people are telling us the whole time, isn't it?
Daisy Chains - Yes, but you simply can't. Being gay isn't a choice but giving a crap about the opressing society IS a choice. A choice that gay people need to stop making.
Maybe he hoped he could change himself for a long time or he didn't but lied all along to not be oppressed... Some straight peoples, not all hopefully. We need to not give a damn when we're in a position to not care for sure!
She is speaking from a place of pain. Honesty and integrity are always paramount. Respect your partner. Tell the whole truth, and try not to hurt people. "The healing can seem unfathomable, if the one who hurt you, isn't humble about it."
A very different perspective, I was enthralled by your story. One often hears about people finally coming out after years of being married, about how liberating it was to finally be themselves. Very rarely do you hear about the trail of hurt and destruction caused by it. I can see that this must have been a long, hard journey for you, but that in your healing process you have found yourself. I commend you for speaking your truth, sharing your story and reaching out to people who may thing they are alone in this. Sending much love to you and your family.
Also, McGreevey was married TWICE so he chose to affect two women - a relationship where there are secrets are not really intimate relationships. It was unfair and selfish to the wives.
I am very dissapointed to see the replies on this post. Dissapointed on my LGBT brothers and sisters. We should be able to understand pain better than most people. The same society that makes us hide who we really are also brings pain for people around us. Also it looks like you have never been in a long-term relationship, and you are all perfect spouses and partners. People get angry, people make mistakes. Learn to deal with it. Life is messy and even with our best intentions people get hurt. Nobody is asking us to apologise but disregarding other's feelings is a very low thing to do. Finally, this is her version of events, telling your side of the story is not the same as playing the "victim card" as many of you have implied.
Mr. David, I do not think she is being a drama queen in any way. She admits to the problems caused by her culture - white picket fence, 3 kids at Sunday school , marriage vows, and so on - I think in the interest of herself and the kids, it is better to avoid denial.
This video touched me so very very deeply. In 1989, I married the love of my life. We had two children. We bought our Victorian-era dream house. It was my happily ever after. Until he confessed and all my dreams came crashing down around me. We tried for several years to make it work by having an open marriage, but I was miserable. I wanted to be with him. He was my husband and the father of my children, I loved him. I still love him, but I wasn't enough. Despite the many times he told me I was not to blame, I still felt there was something I could have done differently. I knew it wasn't logical. After 7 years living apart, remaining friends and co-parenting, we divorced in 2011. Though some of the pain still lingers and will probably never entirely go away, we are still best friends. I can talk to him about anything. I still love him for the person he is and has become and he calls me The Best Ex-Wife Ever. We have grown together, because of being apart. We are our true selves now.
Exactly, I didn’t find out til after I divorced him & he had died of leukemia! I had always felt I was the problem & he told me repeatedly that it was me! Almost 31 years of suffering!!!
He did come out in the sense that he chose to admit it even though she didn't push it. Maybe that sarcastic comment from her sort of opened the door a little and felt like he was given permission to come out.
My parents were married for 17 years until my mom came out. My father will love her til the day he dies. My mother did love him at some point, but not romantically. She was just so scared of who she was that she had to hide. Both sides were rough, but it all worked out in the end.
Mickeystwin33 Thank you for sharing your perspective. My own kids are happy we all live together in unity; we offer as secure of a family unit as possible. I am grateful you are doing well, I presume. Many blessings to you and your family!
She used her life so well on this earth. I can't even fathom how much this TEDx Talk could help people in this exact situation, struggling through hurt and grief and guilt. Well done. RIP
My Mother-in-law went through the same thing after 30 years of marriage. It hurt her deeply, they divorced and he moved Florida. At the end of her life she was able to accept it and was friendly to my Father-in-law and his partner.
I am proud of YOU! I get to be a small part of your life and your success of graduating with an advanced diploma, all while raising your beautiful little girl. Hugs to you, Ashley! Thanks for supporting ME!
As a therapist I've worked and talked to many many closeted married men and one of the big problems is how we raise kids. A lot of these people (even some men in their 70s) have never had the opportunity to explore their sexuality and because they are so closed off to self-exploration they get involved with what they believe is expected of them. Some go into marriage with the intent to change or deceive but many are unaware of their desires.
***** I'm gay and I've been bullied by non-religious people. And I'm my church almost everyone is complitely fine with me being gay. Stop blaming religion for a conservative way of thinking, there's plaenty of religious people who aren't conservative .
Someone sent me this video when I left my husband and it brought me so much peace. I was able to leave and move on completely after watching this video.
Thank you Emily for speaking so powerfully and authentically to your experience. It is encouraging after all these years to finally hear voices emerging to the forefront who can speak about their experiences as one of healing, happiness and reconciliation. Too frequently we only hear the embittered voices speaking from straight spouses who cannot find their footing on a path toward their own introspection, recovering and true healing. This was absolutely the most challenging experience of my life and I was so scared about how it was impacting our children. My initial mistake was turning to the wrong resource for support. I was so desperate for help that I was glad to have found anyone needless to say a support group. But even within that group, I got stuck in the mud, I was so confused and became extremely depressed. So many nice women there for encouragement yet so many of them stuck in the mud for much much longer than I was. I was afraid I'd become just like them, waiting for a long time for healing to come that never arrives. It wasn't until I changed to a counselor in my community that things changed for the better. She guided me through a process mostly focused on self-awareness about my own relationship history, my health, my emotional and mental health, and taking control of my life. It was through the counseling process that I discovered some factors about my own mental health that were keeping me stuck in that mud. And, my therapist directed me toward sources of support as a straight spouse that were much more informative and productive. One resource that I cannot praise enough is the Straight Spouse Network. Once I found them I had a completely different experience. Not only did I find connection to others like in my first group, but I was finally able to engage in ways that led to realizations about myself and my husband. Much like you articulate in your Ted Talk. My experiences with my own counselor and with the SSN offered a contrast to my first experience that made a world of difference! The first support group I found was dominated by voices lamenting their evil husbands, constantly insulting them and effeminizing them. The constnat glibness and disparaging remarks only served to drag all us down. Every chat group and every counseling session was focused on how my husband was "the bad guy" , how everything was his fault, and how the only solution was to get out of my marriage as soon as possible no matter the cost. I became very very depressed. To this day when I interact with that old "support" group, it only takes a minute before they are in that dark place of despair every time. In contrast, my counselor kept focusing on what I wanted to see happen, and even though I might have been naive about how I wanted us to love each other like we used to, to be partners in figuring this out, that was our starting point. I never imagined that we could actually achieve something close to what I was seeking. New things I learned about myself allowed me approach my husband much differently about trying to shift the tensions and tone in our relationship. Not only was she helping me to communicate more effectively and in a healthy way with my husband, she also helped me to understand some pretty powerful messages in my own head that pushed me toward certain behaviors. Some of which, had she not helped me with, I surely would have ended up in another unhealthy relationship or marriage. And the SSN was also almost a 180 degree shift from my prior support group. The first group spent about 90% of our time focused on our gay husbands -- how angry we were at them, how selfish and demeaning they were, how deceitful and destructive. Even when we talked about ourselves it was as objects upon which our husbands inflicted pain, confusion, and suffering. And the analyses about what was wrong with all of them -- not only were these discussions ridiculous, talking about them as narcissists, sociopaths, and more. They were depicted either as men who unintentionally inflicted trauma on us because they had a mental illness or they were predators who were intentionally preying upon us because we were broken women and easy prey. Almost two years of that pushed me further and further down, and further and further from my husband and kids. Finally, when I was encouraged to consider installing spyware on computers and telephones, or to hire a private investigator, I knew I had to look elsewhere for some help. Thank goodness I did. The discussions in the SSN and with people I met through that experience were so much more compassionate, toward me and toward my husband. There was so much focus on the pain, the fault, blaming our husbands, helplessness and our shared victimhood, that we couldn't see that we were victimizing ourselves. I had no idea that it didn''t have to be that way until I found the SSN. What a world of difference to talk openly about wanting to stay close with my husband; to not throw away everything we had built and that we liked and loved about each other. Of course there was still anger, frustration, bitterness, lament, grieving and all else you go through when a relationship comes to an abrupt end; but the freedom to not be enemies, to want to be friends and partners as we struggled through. Because I didn't have any idea just how much he was struggling also. My husband was afraid, confused, in pain but I couldn't see it. With the help of my therapist, I was eventually able to approach him in a far more understanding, compassionate, and supportive way that he was relieved. He eventually trusted me enough again to open up a little and talk with me. And, I was shocked when he agreed to go see a therapist of his own which made a world of difference too. I was never so naive as to lament that we might stay together as husband and wife, but for the two years I wasted seeking support through the first group, I never had any indication from any of them or the counselor leading the group that a non-combative relationship was possible. Every time I interacted with the first group I became geared up for combat and felt like my gay husband was my enemy. Through my own counselor and the SSN, not only did my eyes, ears, and mind open up.. but my heart opened again as well. Each time I brought compassion to him, he offered compassion to me. We did eventually divorce, but we stayed together for almost two more years. And that two years allowed us to have conversations, confrontations, discussions, disagreements, debates, and to reach understanding and make decisions. Through all of that we remained friends, we were caring, compassionate, and supportive of each other. And, I can say that our marriage ended in a far more happy and healthy place for me, for him, and most important.. for our three children, who, to this day love mommy and daddy with all their hearts; they still don't understand why we can't all live together anymore, but they are barely missing a beat in terms of feeling like a family. Thank god for my therapist, the Straight Spouse Network, my husband's therapist, the straight spouses and LGB spouses who are our friends, and so many others. I am forever grateful to those who helped me to break free from my own negativity and despair, and to break free from that first "support" group which I thought was the life preserver that saved me, but was in fact another anchor weighing me down. It took a lot of work focused on different aspects of my physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental health..but that work was so worth it! it's what allowed me to reach out to my husband in a way that allowed him to meet me half way...okay..maybe a quarter of the way, but still.. it was my therapist and the SSN who gave me permission that I never felt I had before to wish for, hope for, want, and actually work toward those individual and family "happy endings" that I had no idea were possible. Watching your Ted Talk was so affirming and reminded me of what a different person I was within the first group and then within the SSN. If only I had found a resource such as your Ted Talk in the beginning of my journey, as many will now be able to find it as the beginning point of theirs...perhaps some of them will be able to reach their version of a "happy ending" more quickly and with less disruption and enmity between them. Thank you so much for being one of those brave souls who can stand up in public and speak your truth.. it will help so many more women and men than you can know! Thank you for giving voice to a different view of our marriages. With much admiration and appreciation. Susan
By sharing your thoughts, I am convinced that someone will be impacted positively...so thank you! The Straight Spouse Network is an amazing, primary resource that I always point people toward. It sounds like maybe your experience also happened quite some time ago. Mine is similar, and it was difficult to flounder by myself, looking for something that met my needs and who I am. The SSN was it. Blessings to you, Susan!
Emily, I am impressed at the way you used your experience to learn about yourself, and re-examined your beliefs and choices, even your religion's teachings. And you remain on friendly terms with your ex. You gave this talk without denigrating your husband, or placing all the responsibility on him alone; you owned your own "stuff." It's not easy for us to admit our shortcomings in public in this situation; it's so much easier to blame others, but you show us here that it is possible. I wish I had your inner strength, integrity and honesty.
I have a completely unrelated comment. Emily is a wonderful speaker. She has it all. Great cadence, voice, no "like" or "actually" or even "uh". And, more related, she seems to provide good advice (I just can't relate as a straight guy married to straight woman).
Thank you, Emily, for articulating so beautifully the journey that so many of us walk. You are a beautiful soul, and you have been a light to me and Lu.
Thank you so much to Emily Reese for the insight and courage to speak eloquently about, what I know from experience, was a most painful time in her life. Ironically, when we open ourselves to the pain, to our vulnerability and confront our partner with "radical truth" and authenticity, a new strength, we never thought possible, emerges. Healing can begin.
@@sirscribble6808Yeah, but that doesn't eliminate responsibility. I get it, I really do but people who are on the down-low could be robbing someone of significance.
This woman is truly amazing. Her life was ripped out from under her in five words. Her response to this situation however difficult could not have been preformed more elegantly. In stead of staying bitter and angry , which is how I think most people would respond lgbtq+ or not. Anyone lgbtq+ must consider how it would feel to have a partner who lied about who they are. Deception is deception no matter what circumstance and in my opinion she has the right to be very very angry with her husband but she rose above that.
It was their bank account. Not just his. Not only that, he was her husband. You obviously don’t understand marriage. He lied to her and broke her heart. He didn’t have to marry her, he chose to marry her.
It's also important to disclose the entire truth because she made it clear she FELT something was wrong. When intuition or feelings come in, it does make us feel crazy to be told otherwise. We feel we KNOW, and if we're right, we deserve to hear it so that we can, at the very least, feel comfort in our own instincts.
Beryl Steindl I was betrayed by my exgirlfriend 34 years ago and I still have bitterness over it she agreed to marry me then dumps me right after our prom .
Thank you, Emily. I have been feeling alone and lonely for many years now and healing seems impossible. Honesty and truthfulness are so important but I doubt that will ever happen. When this situation is compounded by drugs and alcohol it is beyond challenging. I carry it with me and I am tired because I don't know how to set it down. Listening to you makes me feel better. Blessings to you.
I don't have and issue with the fact that the man is gay. I take issue with the fact that he lied to himself and his partner for YEARS. She was led on to believe that he was genuinely attracted to her. And no matter how hard it is to be lgbt, no one deserves to have their entire relationship be founded on a lie Now, I'm not saying this guy is a villainous first-degree "murderer" But this is DEFINETLY "Manslaughter" if anything. His actions and bad decisions to "pretend" to be straight led to this outcome 100%. You can't run from who you are forever.
Look, we can't all put the LGBT people in one basket. It can take time to discover yourself and your sexuality, especially in a society where being gay is not accepted and sometimes, not even concevable. I started questioning my sexuality at 17 years old, after a few years of dating guys, because something wasn't feeling right and I didn't know why. The thought of being gay didn't even cross my mind until my late teens. Three years later, I can definitely say that i'm gay, but back then, I was clueless. Would I say I lied to people? I don't think so... My point is that it's different for everybody. I live in a place where being gay is accepted, but not everyone has that chance, so that can make it harder for them to even ask themselves the question wether they're gay or not.
You don't know his life. If he was brought up in a similarly devout way to which she implies she was living her life then he may well have been in denial. You don't know that their whole relationship was based on a lie. Life is much more complicated than this black and white "well you must have known you were gay when you married her you lying fiend".
Emma and David ... I would agree with you had it not been for "You knew all this time?" He knew long before she found out, and he lied for years. When he married her, he may well have not known, but he lived a lie for a long time. Once he knew (for sure, I'm not talking suspicions) he should have told her. THAT'S where the issue comes in. That's where the lying comes in. Before then, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, once he knew he should have told her. It probably would have hurt less, for both of them.
This is why people have to get to know who they are early on in life. That means having the freedom to do so and the acceptance from others (no matter the outcome) to do that. It's so much simpler if people figure this out before they involve others. Too many people do not have these advantages to find themselves and to live as their authentic selves from youth onward.
Thank you for sharing. Be truthful, be authentic - there can be no healing if you refuse or deny yourself. It feels impossible to find a way back to love if you believe or know you still stand before smoke and mirrors.
Yes, the journey toward trusting and loving again is a difficult one after something huge happens in a relationship. I am still working on that, but I do love myself enough to seek happiness; not from relationships, but from accepting myself and impacting others. I can't take anything with me when I leave this world, so I need to leave the best parts of me here, in the brightest of ways.
It is devastating when this happens. The LGBTQ spouse is liberated but the straight spouse is crushed, feels duped, was lied to, if there are children they either don’t understand or are too young to know. Throw religious beliefs on top of it, the straight spouse can feel ashamed, the community may shun them, and in turn they might shame the one coming out. I can almost understand in years past when it was harder to come out. But in today’s day and age, there is no excuse anymore for the charade. Just don’t do it. Be brave. Please don’t drag an unwitting spouse into the closet with you. If you have, and you want to come out to them, do it. But understand that there will be pain, and don’t ask them to keep your secret, they are not required to stay in the closet with you. You can heal from this. But she’s right, be humble, it will take time.
I have been though this and you can see from my picture what side of the fence I sit on. I was the hardest thing I have ever done at times I still think of her sometimes we spent 4 of my younger years together she will always be in my mind the good times. It took me years to figure my true self out after that and looking back there's so many things I would do different to help her heal, I had no idea how to help her I could only see how I needed to help myself. Great speech Emily
I feel empathy for both of you. Staying in the closet must have been terrible, but that doesn't excuse that he cheated on you. Of course, he probably still loved you, but he couldn't have been attracted to you. In a situation like this, it is the wrong thing to cheat on someone, but the right thing to eventually tell your spouse. Honesty is key, amirite. We also can't shun the ex-spouse because they probably love you and still want you in their life. Edit: thank you so much for the likes
I think most of us want to know "why" our significant others were not in love with us, fell out of love with us, and/or cheated on us in unanticipated ways. Seldom do we get to know the answer. In the case of closeted gays, at least the injured straight partner has an understandable explanation for the separation. That being said, I am sorry for all the straight folks who were damaged by us gay folks coming to terms with ourselves. I've known people on both sides (men hurt by closeted women, and women by closeted men). Please forgive us and please feel our positive energy that you might enjoy a beautiful relationship with a deserving partner, even when our own fears do not promise same outcome for us. ==Chris
I too am married but also fit into the transgender intersex spectrum. You see I was born with both ovarian and testicular tissue. Like this young women I did marry and have been so for over forty years. For me it was a case of slow very slow self discovery. Oh well the truth is it was horrid lifetime of discovery. For me the truth came out when I came down with testicular ovarian cancer. Not the best way of figuring who you are as a human being but in the end I was grateful I survived and grateful my spouse is coming to love me for who I am. My path is work in progress, our marriage is no longer work in progress. We love each other for who we are and are still married.
very good point : and this goes NOT only to LGBT people,is to unfaithfulness,betrayal of any kind....The person will heal faster if you truly "humble"and open up."To comprehend is to forgive."
Powerful. There is so much hurt in this world. You are a brave and incredible person, Ms. Reese. Honesty is so important. Honesty to yourself (in this case if you're LGBTQ) is important, but it might be more important to be honest to whom one has made a 'forever' VOW of marriage.
Yes, there is much hurt in this world and although it's hard to go through everytime we're hurt, it's also what makes us stronger and wiser. Like everybody else I've been hurt a number of times, but when I look back I can see there was a valuable lesson to be learned every single time. What's much more painful is to look back on the times that I hurt others (although one can learn from that, too.)
The only relationships with men I've ever had were with closeted men. I want to break this pattern. It feels like there's this secret to attracting a straight man that I haven't discovered & it pains me greatly.
Same Melissa. At least 4 or the guys I’ve been with also like men…. I think it’s me because i tend to like calm, easy, soft spoken guys. Traits that straight men don’t usually have, ugh 🙄 so i end up with the bi/ closeted guy😭
Rebuke that pattern in the name of JESUS! I’m not assuming, but I read and studied, heck even seen, that “spirits recognize spirits” or something like that. For me as a straight man, I attract beautiful Christian women. And I mean beautiful and God-fearing. The problem is my self esteem. It’s getting better now.
Emily, though I doubt that you will ever read this, I admire your strength of person and your ability to, not just survive, but live afterwards is inspiring. I hope one day the pain will ebb away for you until it can no longer prevent you from living your life.
My comment on Emily's talk is this: I 100% empathize with her situation. I have a (female) friend who went through exactly the same experience. In their case, fortunately there were no kids, so a separation was "comparatively easy", although I know they both went through a lot of pain after her husband came out to her. I don't have a solution for a situation like this, but I can't but help thinking that a part of the blame lies on the shoulders of the collective society. As long as it is an issue for ANYONE to come out as gay/lesbian, some gays and lesbians will continue to attempt committed relationships (via marriage, or otherwise) in an attempt to "cure"/change themselves, or to hide their sexual orientation. (The last statement said acknowledging that there are some homosexual people who only find out they are gay after getting married.) I can't help but think that if being gay/lesbian were accepted as perfectly normal phenomenon, homosexual people would find it easier to exist happily in society, and not make the mistake of getting involved in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite sex. The best (albeit not perfect) answer is this: EDUCATION. Everyone in society should be educated about topics like this. We have to stop depriving ourselves of being informed of matters this important.
i guess my thought it that while you can blame society for them not coming out, you can't blame society for them choosing to marry. no one was forcing him to marry her. sure his family may have bugged him to get a girlfriend, or maybe after they were dating bugged them to get married. but as a strait but career driven woman i can say bugging is not the end of the world. its nosy and not their business but its not the end of the world. also eventually people give up.
It's about time the straight side, the devastated side, the side who was not adulterous, the side that cries, the side that was betrayed and blames themselves, is represented. Yet the LGBT side attacks with such self entitled viciousness that believes that the 'coming out' is what is truly important.
Yes, we need to hear more from the straight side. But not every LGBT spouse is what you portrayed here. Not all of them are adulterous. Not all of them intentionally lie to their spouse. Some of them might not have realised they were LGBT until years into the marriage. There is hurt on both sides, and it's not always the fault of the LGBT spouse. Let's be fair here.
I went through a similar situation. We recognized his needs before we went through with our wedding (a few months later). He has found himself in the 6 years since. I'm still working on finding myself. We are now best friends because we loved each other as human beings and we care about each other on a level that transcends a relationship. He is a fabulous (pun intended) person who deserves to be happy, and I am proud that he allowed himself to be who he is. Its easy to be selfish in this situation, your pain matters, and its easy to be angry. Put yourself in their shoes and you realize that you are in the position of privilege. Support them because you love them as a person and because they deserve to live life as their true selves. Be open. Try to understand.
- Hugheser Excellent comment. I support your thoughts and actions 100%! My ex and I are now great friends and we have created a safe and secure family structure for our kids. We are “The Reeses and Their Pieces” as well as a “Rainbow Family.” Understanding and empathizing with my now ex helped me to heal and face the issues that have happened because of our situation. I am happy that you, too, have acceptance and love for each other. It’s the best of all possible outcomes, IMO. Unfortunately, so many straights don’t end up like us and it is tough. It takes two to tango. Thanks for commenting, Emily Reese
That's some hard stuff. I can only imagine what going through something like this must've put her through and am amazed at the strength and kindness she has decided to foster from it and the way she showed it on stage was just too beautiful.
He lied and cheated on her. He could have come out or stayed single. He could have protrayed himself as a bachelor or womanizer. He didn't need to destroy her dreams and her life!
Alex Noa It's not victim blaming. When you think about it, both of them are victims. Both of them suffered. The husband has to lie all yhe time and she felt betrayed (and was)
This was so informative, inspiring and powerful! Kudos to finding your true self and loving yourself. I think we need to re-learn how to first love God and then ourselves before we hand the power to someone else so show and control how to love. Thank you for sharing.
Compassionate delivery of a compelling and heartfelt story and message. Cheers to Emily for being bold and standing vulnerable on that stage to help others.
Thanks, Francine. I was so grateful to know you were out there in the audience, supporting me while I was on stage, opening up my heart. You are a wonderful person!
So, there is a necessary part of the process for the LGBTQ spouse in telling the truth: it can be traumatic for your spouse. Tell them what they ask about, and be open, but don't flood them. It can retraumatize them, and if there is infidelity in this process, then it's inherently traumatizing. (Just a perspective from a marriage therapist; this is a great piece.)
Bilbo What does this have to do with chicken and the egg? Homophobia causes people to hate and shun the LGBQ and makes them hate themselves and want to change. Because of this they hide and marry people they shouldn't and end up hurting others. Take away homophobia and people won't have to lie about it.
Wise words Emily! And what a courage to come up front and disclose your pain to others. This is the only way to allow true healing to take place. As a gay man, I've met many gay men who were married, had children and got divorced. And I wonder how it went about talking about this situation. I wonder about how their kids are, how they handled or are still handling it. I am glad you've come to the best or only alternative for decent, courageous people: to be honest. To admit one's mistake, and to try to settle things right. In the end, hopefully, everyone will be happy.
People shouldn't lie about their sexuality in marriage. If one doesn't trust their partner enough to be honest then they don't being married their partner.
He likely didn't know/was in denial until they got married, tried to fight it, then decided he just 'wanted to experiment', tried it and realized he liked it. Everything up until the 'tried it' part is understandable. At the moment his 'wanting to experiment' became 'actively seeking a partner' it became a unacceptable. We can't help growing and figuring who we are. We CAN and SHOULD minimize the damage we do to others in the process.
Compassion is found in trying to imagine yourself in someone else's shoes. I feel sorry for her, and I feel equally sorry for her X-husband. Fostering understanding and non-judgement are the keys to allowing everyone else to live their own lives authentically. Humans (especially religion) create so much judgement that it's nearly impossible for some people to be who they truly are...for fear of being chastised, outcast, harmed.... Live and let live.
If the X husband was hetero and cheated would you feel sorry for him? What if he was cheating while they were dating ie before the marriage ever took place? He ...knew he was not attracted to her in a way a person in a couple should be. He lied to her and cheated. Why make excuses for that?
OMG. I am sick of my mom talking about marriage. Thankfully I ran away from home.... The good think is my counselor told me if you want to be get married just be honest and express it, otherwise the marriage will fail and I agree with that
I don't see why everyone is giving this woman such a hard time; everyone has a view on what's right and you can't change that. All these different people groups have different views on what's right, and that's one of the things that make us different. Just because you don't believe what she believes doesn't give you much of a right to tell her what's she should believe, because that's her choice. If you look from her perspective, she might not believe what you think is right, but that doesn't give her the right to tell y'all what's right, and you shouldn't tell her what's right either. We are all different and come from different backgrounds, so we are bound to have different views, and that's okay. She chooses to follow what her religion says, and that does not mean that she should be given speeches on "how she is wrong". Look at it from a different perspective, think to yourself "she has a different view than me and that's okay" because no matter how hard everyone tries, we will always have differences. What's important is for you to follow and do whatever you think is right, and not spend your time bashing others opinions, because they believe their opinions are right just as much as you do. I have high respect for this woman to get on stage and talk about something like this, and I doubt any of you griping about what she believes in would do something remotely like this. I applaud her.
I have both a thumbs up and a thumbs down for your comment. You make an excellent point about tolerance. I do feel, however, that some of what she said needed to be rebutted. Not flamed, just rebutted. Soo...kinda thumbs up?
This is the kind of collateral damage that happens when a conservative society forces someone to live in the closet and lie to themselves and everyone around them. If her ex-husband had felt confident enough to come out at an early age and live his authentic life, imagine the pain that could have been prevented.
Give me a break, like visible minorities, natives who couldn't live their culture, etc etc. etc. etc. jews who were persecuted, blacks who are wrongfully accused...
Dude no one forced him to marry anyone. He did that all by himself. Blaming society for our personal shortcomings is just an out and a very weak one at that.
@@diane5830 You don't understand societal pressures and the desperate desire by many to conform to them. Or maybe he had the same dream as the speaker but could no longer play the role. Life is not that simple, or haven't you noticed?
I'm seeing people say she is playing the victim card and that the husband was the real victim....in situations like this, there is no "real victim". Both were victims of different things in their own ways. The fact that they experienced two different types of pain doesnt make either of them less valid. He cheated on and kept this secret for their entire marriage. He was probably scared to come out (especially since they both seem to have been religious) and that fear of rejection caused him to hide it all this time. They are both allowed to be mad or sad about the situation.
Choosing to leave or stay really had nothing to do with Christian values. The fact that he said he wouldn't cheat with another woman seems to indicate he was probably cheating with a man, which is adultery and a reason to leave. Staying with him was choice, not Christian values.
Many years ago a woman who worked for decades at a large insurance company told me I'd be shocked at how many long married men leave everything to another man, almost always a stranger to the wife.
Humility is the gift for healing. I agree 100%. Blessings to you for saying this!! Honesty and Humility make all the difference in the world for the straight spouse. It is an action of love and enables forgiveness and moving forward too.
I wasn't too crazy about her, until she acknowledged that coming out is hard but it is something that you should do. By recognizing that both sides struggle, and that there is no clean solution, because you either betray yourself or your spouse, it validates both sides of the issue.
I am so sorry that you experienced so much pain. Scripture DOES NOT require anyone to stay married when the vows have been broken. I hope you continue to heal and grow into the phenomenal woman that you are. You experienced very painful acts of deceit, disrespect, lies, disloyalty and heartbreak that you did not deserve and I pray blessings on you as you move forward.
but the commandments do prevent one from marrying again. I don't think that's fair either. It is false scripture that causes this sort of thing to happen in the first place. Zombie like followers who insist homosexuality is sinful and wrong. And then after something like this happens we blame the person for not being who they really are. Religion today is extremely messed up.
"Ex gays" are supposedly transformed by God yet their "transformation" victimizes their heterosexual partners who they aren't even capable of having a romantic relationship with because they have no attraction to the opposite sex. Straight people deserve to be loved romantically by someone actually capable of it. It's all so ironic.
She's allowed to be angry and she's allowed to be sad and she's allowed to be upset because this effected her greatly and it hurt
Thank you thank you thank you ...
I'm in the position her partner is in, and i can see why they're upset. :( My former partner is my best friend... hurting them is something i never wanted.
I should clarify, i was only si far in that i understood he had come out... Not that he had cheated. 😒 He had no excuse for that.
o k you dont even know if he knew or not. Shut up
@@detectivegrinch I agree with almost all you said. My problem is when you say they should never got married. You do not know when it became her ex's truth. So how to tell someone what to do, not do or when?!
This woman told, "her story" of loving someone who due to social rules was made to not love himself enough, to tell the truth. She spoke of her pain and disillusion as her dream and world crashed, then of picking up the pieces and living. Damn, folks, she is braver than a lot of us. You may not like the story but you do have to respect the courage. BRAVO EMILY
chlofene Thanks. This encouraged me.
Well said chlofene!
This happened to me 5 and half years ago. 20 yrs of marriage and 8 children. I found text messages on his phone and a week later found out he had syphilis. I told him to leave as soon as he told me and I’ve never felt as strong as I was in that moment. He now has a partner who I get along well with and is great to my children. I have a civil relationship with my ex but I won’t really ever be friends with him again. He doesn’t play a large part in my children’s lives despite me always initiating contact through the years. I’ve stopped initiating and leave it up to him and so he really only sees them every 3-4 months for a weekend. I had given up my career as a teacher after our 3rd was born as she was born deaf as are two more of my children so my world has been changed forever.
@@jennifernorton5885 oh my.. after the first children didn't ocurr to you to know why was that and research if it was a congenital problem so that you can't have any more children? there is no need to reproduce..
Luciérnaga Patagónica not everything has a test and it was our choice to have a large family and what has Size of Family have to with the content of this talk... absolutely nothing!
I genuinely don't understand why there's so many hateful comments? Like, obviously it's from her point of view, and she's giving advice from that. She was obviously hurt. Wouldn't you be? Putting sexuality aside, wouldn't anyone be angry if their spouse cheated on them (which was the impression I got. Whether physically or emotionally)? Bringing sexuality into the relationship makes the situation all the more difficult. And down to the core of her talk, it seems to me that the message to both sides is "Tell the truth, and don't blame the other person if you want to heal." And that can be expanded to literally any sort of betrayal situation.
Thanks for your insightful comment. I didn't handle myself perfectly in our situation, but I am grateful for the experience because I learned and grew from it. Thankfully, my ex and I now have a wonderful relationship, and at the crux of my message, I wanted people to know that healing is possible. Be well. Thanks for expressing yourself here.
Emily Reese
did he marry you thinking he would become straight? what if he really did love you, but not in a husband/wife situation.
Tonyburgessful He really did love me. There was so much to share and very limited time to do it. I loved him; he loved me. There were things he didn’t know even about himself fully until later in our marriage, and I am glad we married! We have three beautiful children together and a great step dad in their life now that my ex married. Wish I could talk for days about all we learned and the ways we both changed! Many blessings to ya.
Kayleona u
Kayleona As a result she told usit was a huge influx of kids there a little loud to know what’s going on with the child question is do you wanna speak to your case manager so she says I’m like wait what is going,
My husband just came out to me. I feel like my entire world was flipped upside down.... but I’m so happy he told me, and I really hope he finds happiness.
Nice to see you supportive!! :)
I hope you also find happiness
THIS TALK, WAS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
GLAD, THAT HE IS NOW HER "EX" !!
HURTING INNOCENT PEOPLE, IS NO JOKE.
YOUR CLOSETED HOMOSEXUALITY, DOES NOT GIVE YOU EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS, TO INJURE ANOTHER'S SOUL !!
YOUR "COMING OUT", PUTS THEM INTO THE DARKNESS OF THE CLOSET, WHICH ONCE HELD YOU.
NO FAIRNESS THERE.
I hope he didn't wait 8 years. Wish him well and move on.
I found out after 21 years together and going through infertility treatments. And by that time I was too old to have children. No it’s not easier or better when there are no children. It’s sadder because if he had lived his authentic self I might have had a different life with the family that I wanted.
“ I didn’t know who I was apart from him.”
That goes for all relationships. Know who you are, by yourself.
Sad to known that she is not longer on this Earth ... she passed away last year. thank you for your lessons Ms. Emily
BUT HOW? she's too young to die...
Oh wow...if this is true may she rip
Oh god.may she rest in peace.
How did she die, God Bless her soul
@@auntym979 she had cancer unfortunately
Having been in the shoes of this presenter I can tell you that while I understood why he did what he did was because he was living in fear and pain, what he did to me was emotionally brutalizing. His lack of care and regard for someone that he claims to this day that he loved.....You don't use people you love like that. You use inferiors like that. In his mind I was never an equal, I was a tool to defend him against his fears between he and his family.
His fears were valid.
My right to live a life with at least the possibility of as successful personal life was also valid. We both lost years of our lives by living his lie.
Exactly!
So your opinion is above God's law?
@@armymanssg508 Screw God's law.
Hahaha, the last words of a depraved reprobate mind so sad, but there is still good news if you'd just realize it.
@@armymanssg508 Actually it IS possible to be a normal, kind person with love and consideration for others without believing in the religious nonsense. I would even say it's easier.
I'm gay and I would be devastated to make a woman suffer with this kind of lies...
I know many gays did it cause society force them to get married and to follow the rules which denied them so I can't blame them one second but these spouses/husbands are really collateral victims too. So many dramas coming from homophobia...
Same. I thoroughly prefer to die alone than living a lie and bringing innocent people into it.
That man hurt this woman and most possibly his kids too, just because society said it was the correct thing to do.
This is collateral damage and only the opressing society is to blame.
Amen!
You don't have multiple kids over night. He must have managed to act straight and hold up the facade of a "normal" life for an extremely long time. Seems like he really hoped that he could change himself and become straight.
That's what straight people are telling us the whole time, isn't it?
Daisy Chains - Yes, but you simply can't. Being gay isn't a choice but giving a crap about the opressing society IS a choice. A choice that gay people need to stop making.
Maybe he hoped he could change himself for a long time or he didn't but lied all along to not be oppressed...
Some straight peoples, not all hopefully. We need to not give a damn when we're in a position to not care for sure!
She is speaking from a place of pain. Honesty and integrity are always paramount. Respect your partner. Tell the whole truth, and try not to hurt people.
"The healing can seem unfathomable, if the one who hurt you, isn't humble about it."
A very different perspective, I was enthralled by your story. One often hears about people finally coming out after years of being married, about how liberating it was to finally be themselves. Very rarely do you hear about the trail of hurt and destruction caused by it. I can see that this must have been a long, hard journey for you, but that in your healing process you have found yourself. I commend you for speaking your truth, sharing your story and reaching out to people who may thing they are alone in this. Sending much love to you and your family.
THANK -YOU !!
"LIBERATION", IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT OTHERS.
Also, McGreevey was married TWICE so he chose to affect two women - a relationship where there are secrets are not really intimate relationships. It was unfair and selfish to the wives.
This, this is why I came out. People ask me why I have to come out, why I did come out, and this is why.
Aww don't worry we all accept you.
Yeah, at least you didn’t turn some one else’s life into a disaster. Good
Bless you for your courage.
Fair play to you.
I am very dissapointed to see the replies on this post. Dissapointed on my LGBT brothers and sisters. We should be able to understand pain better than most people. The same society that makes us hide who we really are also brings pain for people around us.
Also it looks like you have never been in a long-term relationship, and you are all perfect spouses and partners. People get angry, people make mistakes. Learn to deal with it.
Life is messy and even with our best intentions people get hurt. Nobody is asking us to apologise but disregarding other's feelings is a very low thing to do.
Finally, this is her version of events, telling your side of the story is not the same as playing the "victim card" as many of you have implied.
Thank-you for taking this courageous stand.
most people grieve out of the spotlight, she's a drama queen
Mr. David, I do not think she is being a drama queen in any way. She admits to the problems caused by her culture - white picket fence, 3 kids at Sunday school , marriage vows, and so on - I think in the interest of herself and the kids, it is better to avoid denial.
do it privately, the Oprah years are over
The perfect comment 👏👏👏
This video touched me so very very deeply. In 1989, I married the love of my life. We had two children. We bought our Victorian-era dream house. It was my happily ever after. Until he confessed and all my dreams came crashing down around me. We tried for several years to make it work by having an open marriage, but I was miserable. I wanted to be with him. He was my husband and the father of my children, I loved him. I still love him, but I wasn't enough. Despite the many times he told me I was not to blame, I still felt there was something I could have done differently. I knew it wasn't logical. After 7 years living apart, remaining friends and co-parenting, we divorced in 2011. Though some of the pain still lingers and will probably never entirely go away, we are still best friends. I can talk to him about anything. I still love him for the person he is and has become and he calls me The Best Ex-Wife Ever. We have grown together, because of being apart. We are our true selves now.
Loose weight
Pamela Morris I feel your pain. I am currently going through the same thing with my husband of 33 years.
@@travismbachu4846 No one asked for your opinion... Quit being rude to other people just to make your tiny ego feel better, Jesus
Travis M's Office learn to spell
You were always your true self....
I think it's amazing that she's able to admit everything she did wrong in the process of splitting up and talk about it. I'm incredibly impressed.
Me too. That takes a lot of strength, bravery and maturity.
ثفعوظىؤؤ.
SHE,
DID NOTHING WRONG !!
I must have missed something. I thought she just wondered if something was wrong?
She did absolutely NOTHING wrong.
Lovely talk...but let's be honest. He didn't "come out". He got caught.
And maybe that was the best thing that could have happened to both of them, in the long run.
Absolutely
Exactly, I didn’t find out til after I divorced him & he had died of leukemia! I had always felt I was the problem & he told me repeatedly that it was me! Almost 31 years of suffering!!!
He did come out in the sense that he chose to admit it even though she didn't push it.
Maybe that sarcastic comment from her sort of opened the door a little and felt like he was given permission to come out.
@@laurawitcher9793 Exactly!! And that is so cruel!
My parents were married for 17 years until my mom came out. My father will love her til the day he dies. My mother did love him at some point, but not romantically. She was just so scared of who she was that she had to hide. Both sides were rough, but it all worked out in the end.
Mickeystwin33 Thank you for sharing your perspective. My own kids are happy we all live together in unity; we offer as secure of a family unit as possible. I am grateful you are doing well, I presume. Many blessings to you and your family!
How did you feel when she came out?
مرحبا. د. .ظوةرخخفثثىونخخرءسص
خغقثىود
خرءص
@Nelson's Rudolph who's that
She used her life so well on this earth. I can't even fathom how much this TEDx Talk could help people in this exact situation, struggling through hurt and grief and guilt. Well done. RIP
Did she pass away?
@@mikami42 yes, sadly. After almost 9 years of battling cancer, she died at home, surrounded by her family, in late 2018.
My Mother-in-law went through the same thing after 30 years of marriage. It hurt her deeply, they divorced and he moved Florida. At the end of her life she was able to accept it and was friendly to my Father-in-law and his partner.
You did an amazing job Emily! I am so proud of you. happy to say you are my English teacher!
I am proud of YOU! I get to be a small part of your life and your success of graduating with an advanced diploma, all while raising your beautiful little girl. Hugs to you, Ashley! Thanks for supporting ME!
Emily Reese So strange! You look, speak, and act very similar to an English teacher I've had!
Ashley Pelletier it takes a lot of courage to come out and tell a story like that
Great talk. So sad to hear she died. Your talk will live in for you. RIP
No one has the right to use someone in such a devastating way to make their lives easier. Emily you are an amazingly strong beautiful soul.
Great speaker. So calm and methodical and real. Thankyou for your poise and grace under the circumstances
As a therapist I've worked and talked to many many closeted married men and one of the big problems is how we raise kids. A lot of these people (even some men in their 70s) have never had the opportunity to explore their sexuality and because they are so closed off to self-exploration they get involved with what they believe is expected of them. Some go into marriage with the intent to change or deceive but many are unaware of their desires.
Nick Doe This is so interesting. I hope this situations stop happening in the near future.
Ecce Homo As a Christian, I wholly support your statement
***** I'm gay and I've been bullied by non-religious people. And I'm my church almost everyone is complitely fine with me being gay. Stop blaming religion for a conservative way of thinking, there's plaenty of religious people who aren't conservative .
Nick Doe gimme a break
ABSOLUTELY!!!!
Someone sent me this video when I left my husband and it brought me so much peace. I was able to leave and move on completely after watching this video.
Thank you Emily for speaking so powerfully and authentically to your experience. It is encouraging after all these years to finally hear voices emerging to the forefront who can speak about their experiences as one of healing, happiness and reconciliation. Too frequently we only hear the embittered voices speaking from straight spouses who cannot find their footing on a path toward their own introspection, recovering and true healing.
This was absolutely the most challenging experience of my life and I was so scared about how it was impacting our children. My initial mistake was turning to the wrong resource for support. I was so desperate for help that I was glad to have found anyone needless to say a support group. But even within that group, I got stuck in the mud, I was so confused and became extremely depressed. So many nice women there for encouragement yet so many of them stuck in the mud for much much longer than I was. I was afraid I'd become just like them, waiting for a long time for healing to come that never arrives.
It wasn't until I changed to a counselor in my community that things changed for the better. She guided me through a process mostly focused on self-awareness about my own relationship history, my health, my emotional and mental health, and taking control of my life. It was through the counseling process that I discovered some factors about my own mental health that were keeping me stuck in that mud. And, my therapist directed me toward sources of support as a straight spouse that were much more informative and productive.
One resource that I cannot praise enough is the Straight Spouse Network. Once I found them I had a completely different experience. Not only did I find connection to others like in my first group, but I was finally able to engage in ways that led to realizations about myself and my husband. Much like you articulate in your Ted Talk. My experiences with my own counselor and with the SSN offered a contrast to my first experience that made a world of difference!
The first support group I found was dominated by voices lamenting their evil husbands, constantly insulting them and effeminizing them. The constnat glibness and disparaging remarks only served to drag all us down. Every chat group and every counseling session was focused on how my husband was "the bad guy" , how everything was his fault, and how the only solution was to get out of my marriage as soon as possible no matter the cost. I became very very depressed. To this day when I interact with that old "support" group, it only takes a minute before they are in that dark place of despair every time.
In contrast, my counselor kept focusing on what I wanted to see happen, and even though I might have been naive about how I wanted us to love each other like we used to, to be partners in figuring this out, that was our starting point. I never imagined that we could actually achieve something close to what I was seeking.
New things I learned about myself allowed me approach my husband much differently about trying to shift the tensions and tone in our relationship. Not only was she helping me to communicate more effectively and in a healthy way with my husband, she also helped me to understand some pretty powerful messages in my own head that pushed me toward certain behaviors. Some of which, had she not helped me with, I surely would have ended up in another unhealthy relationship or marriage.
And the SSN was also almost a 180 degree shift from my prior support group. The first group spent about 90% of our time focused on our gay husbands -- how angry we were at them, how selfish and demeaning they were, how deceitful and destructive. Even when we talked about ourselves it was as objects upon which our husbands inflicted pain, confusion, and suffering. And the analyses about what was wrong with all of them -- not only were these discussions ridiculous, talking about them as narcissists, sociopaths, and more. They were depicted either as men who unintentionally inflicted trauma on us because they had a mental illness or they were predators who were intentionally preying upon us because we were broken women and easy prey.
Almost two years of that pushed me further and further down, and further and further from my husband and kids. Finally, when I was encouraged to consider installing spyware on computers and telephones, or to hire a private investigator, I knew I had to look elsewhere for some help. Thank goodness I did.
The discussions in the SSN and with people I met through that experience were so much more compassionate, toward me and toward my husband. There was so much focus on the pain, the fault, blaming our husbands, helplessness and our shared victimhood, that we couldn't see that we were victimizing ourselves. I had no idea that it didn''t have to be that way until I found the SSN. What a world of difference to talk openly about wanting to stay close with my husband; to not throw away everything we had built and that we liked and loved about each other.
Of course there was still anger, frustration, bitterness, lament, grieving and all else you go through when a relationship comes to an abrupt end; but the freedom to not be enemies, to want to be friends and partners as we struggled through. Because I didn't have any idea just how much he was struggling also. My husband was afraid, confused, in pain but I couldn't see it. With the help of my therapist, I was eventually able to approach him in a far more understanding, compassionate, and supportive way that he was relieved. He eventually trusted me enough again to open up a little and talk with me. And, I was shocked when he agreed to go see a therapist of his own which made a world of difference too.
I was never so naive as to lament that we might stay together as husband and wife, but for the two years I wasted seeking support through the first group, I never had any indication from any of them or the counselor leading the group that a non-combative relationship was possible. Every time I interacted with the first group I became geared up for combat and felt like my gay husband was my enemy.
Through my own counselor and the SSN, not only did my eyes, ears, and mind open up.. but my heart opened again as well. Each time I brought compassion to him, he offered compassion to me. We did eventually divorce, but we stayed together for almost two more years. And that two years allowed us to have conversations, confrontations, discussions, disagreements, debates, and to reach understanding and make decisions. Through all of that we remained friends, we were caring, compassionate, and supportive of each other. And, I can say that our marriage ended in a far more happy and healthy place for me, for him, and most important.. for our three children, who, to this day love mommy and daddy with all their hearts; they still don't understand why we can't all live together anymore, but they are barely missing a beat in terms of feeling like a family.
Thank god for my therapist, the Straight Spouse Network, my husband's therapist, the straight spouses and LGB spouses who are our friends, and so many others. I am forever grateful to those who helped me to break free from my own negativity and despair, and to break free from that first "support" group which I thought was the life preserver that saved me, but was in fact another anchor weighing me down.
It took a lot of work focused on different aspects of my physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental health..but that work was so worth it! it's what allowed me to reach out to my husband in a way that allowed him to meet me half way...okay..maybe a quarter of the way, but still.. it was my therapist and the SSN who gave me permission that I never felt I had before to wish for, hope for, want, and actually work toward those individual and family "happy endings" that I had no idea were possible.
Watching your Ted Talk was so affirming and reminded me of what a different person I was within the first group and then within the SSN. If only I had found a resource such as your Ted Talk in the beginning of my journey, as many will now be able to find it as the beginning point of theirs...perhaps some of them will be able to reach their version of a "happy ending" more quickly and with less disruption and enmity between them. Thank you so much for being one of those brave souls who can stand up in public and speak your truth.. it will help so many more women and men than you can know!
Thank you for giving voice to a different view of our marriages.
With much admiration and appreciation.
Susan
By sharing your thoughts, I am convinced that someone will be impacted positively...so thank you! The Straight Spouse Network is an amazing, primary resource that I always point people toward. It sounds like maybe your experience also happened quite some time ago. Mine is similar, and it was difficult to flounder by myself, looking for something that met my needs and who I am. The SSN was it. Blessings to you, Susan!
What a beautiful testimonial you have given, too!! I know your honest sharing will also be of help to so many others, also!!
Thank you for sharing with us
After everything this poor woman went through, she passed away from cancer💔
kdecrow1 really?? ☹️
Isabel google Emily Fay Reese, she had colon cancer i believe.
Stress and trauma brings in Cancer in many cases.
@@LongliveEDL Happy people get cancer, too.
Emily, I am impressed at the way you used your experience to learn about yourself, and re-examined your beliefs and choices, even your religion's teachings. And you remain on friendly terms with your ex. You gave this talk without denigrating your husband, or placing all the responsibility on him alone; you owned your own "stuff." It's not easy for us to admit our shortcomings in public in this situation; it's so much easier to blame others, but you show us here that it is possible. I wish I had your inner strength, integrity and honesty.
Thank you. This road I have traveled down has taught me a lot. I am encouraged by your words. Blessings!
@@emilyreese2867 will pray for you
This was probably one of the best empathic speeches I have ever heard. She really paid it forward, thank you and may she rest in peace.
I have a completely unrelated comment. Emily is a wonderful speaker. She has it all. Great cadence, voice, no "like" or "actually" or even "uh". And, more related, she seems to provide good advice (I just can't relate as a straight guy married to straight woman).
Thank you, Emily, for articulating so beautifully the journey that so many of us walk. You are a beautiful soul, and you have been a light to me and Lu.
I am glad that my TED Talk helped both you and Luanne. I am blessed to know you both.
Thank you so much to Emily Reese for the insight and courage to speak eloquently about, what I know from experience, was a most painful time in her life. Ironically, when we open ourselves to the pain, to our vulnerability and confront our partner with "radical truth" and authenticity, a new strength, we never thought possible, emerges. Healing can begin.
Everyone is blaming "society". You are society people.
...and?
People could also just stay single instead of ruin another persons life. Its selfish.
Are you still single ?
Graham Palmer ?????
It's either satisfy society (the same one that will disowned and stone you) by hiding behind a lie, or be shunned and killed. Take your pick.
@@sirscribble6808Yeah, but that doesn't eliminate responsibility. I get it, I really do but people who are on the down-low could be robbing someone of significance.
He didn’t come out
He CHEATED !!!!!
Thank you
Lolo H he came out AND cheated . The two are inseparable. Everyone gets hurt in this scenario
this is not helpful
@@alexkoriakin6764 He cheated, got caught and that'a why he had to come out.
And he will be cheated upon, mark my words, the unfaithfulness is rampant in the community
I finally found a video to help with my situation. Thank you for this. Gives me some kind of hope that things will get better someday.
This woman is truly amazing. Her life was ripped out from under her in five words. Her response to this situation however difficult could not have been preformed more elegantly. In stead of staying bitter and angry , which is how I think most people would respond lgbtq+ or not. Anyone lgbtq+ must consider how it would feel to have a partner who lied about who they are. Deception is deception no matter what circumstance and in my opinion she has the right to be very very angry with her husband but she rose above that.
Sounds like he didn't come out--He got caught in his lies.
Juliane G Exactly
Spying on her husbands bank account. She was the crazy one. Ever thought about the hypothesis that maybe she broke his trust in all men.
It was their bank account. Not just his. Not only that, he was her husband. You obviously don’t understand marriage. He lied to her and broke her heart. He didn’t have to marry her, he chose to marry her.
Juliane G every human lies! And each individual has its own reasons. So, easy to judge over other people, thats something people are very good at
exactly!!
That was so moving. She is a beautiful, gracious and courageous woman.
It's also important to disclose the entire truth because she made it clear she FELT something was wrong. When intuition or feelings come in, it does make us feel crazy to be told otherwise. We feel we KNOW, and if we're right, we deserve to hear it so that we can, at the very least, feel comfort in our own instincts.
Thank God for people who contribute their stories on the internet.
The hurt and betrayal never leaves you..
Beryl Steindl I was betrayed by my exgirlfriend 34 years ago and I still have bitterness over it she agreed to marry me then dumps me right after our prom .
Thank you, Emily. I have been feeling alone and lonely for many years now and healing seems impossible. Honesty and truthfulness are so important but I doubt that will ever happen. When this situation is compounded by drugs and alcohol it is beyond challenging. I carry it with me and I am tired because I don't know how to set it down. Listening to you makes me feel better. Blessings to you.
I don't have and issue with the fact that the man is gay. I take issue with the fact that he lied to himself and his partner for YEARS.
She was led on to believe that he was genuinely attracted to her. And no matter how hard it is to be lgbt, no one deserves to have their entire relationship be founded on a lie
Now, I'm not saying this guy is a villainous first-degree "murderer" But this is DEFINETLY "Manslaughter" if anything. His actions and bad decisions to "pretend" to be straight led to this outcome 100%. You can't run from who you are forever.
Look, we can't all put the LGBT people in one basket. It can take time to discover yourself and your sexuality, especially in a society where being gay is not accepted and sometimes, not even concevable. I started questioning my sexuality at 17 years old, after a few years of dating guys, because something wasn't feeling right and I didn't know why. The thought of being gay didn't even cross my mind until my late teens. Three years later, I can definitely say that i'm gay, but back then, I was clueless. Would I say I lied to people? I don't think so... My point is that it's different for everybody. I live in a place where being gay is accepted, but not everyone has that chance, so that can make it harder for them to even ask themselves the question wether they're gay or not.
You don't know his life. If he was brought up in a similarly devout way to which she implies she was living her life then he may well have been in denial. You don't know that their whole relationship was based on a lie. Life is much more complicated than this black and white "well you must have known you were gay when you married her you lying fiend".
Emma and David ... I would agree with you had it not been for "You knew all this time?" He knew long before she found out, and he lied for years. When he married her, he may well have not known, but he lived a lie for a long time. Once he knew (for sure, I'm not talking suspicions) he should have told her. THAT'S where the issue comes in. That's where the lying comes in. Before then, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, once he knew he should have told her. It probably would have hurt less, for both of them.
dont you think that he had to lie because straight people like her who werent accepting of lgbt+ people. maybe get annoyed with them instead
rugdg1
So sad on both sides. People need to live their truth. Be who they are. Don’t damage others because you can’t face who you are.
This is why people have to get to know who they are early on in life. That means having the freedom to do so and the acceptance from others (no matter the outcome) to do that. It's so much simpler if people figure this out before they involve others. Too many people do not have these advantages to find themselves and to live as their authentic selves from youth onward.
So well explained in a truthful manner with Love and Dignity !!...So Beautiful and Truthful that sets everything Free, ..
Thank you for sharing. Be truthful, be authentic - there can be no healing if you refuse or deny yourself. It feels impossible to find a way back to love if you believe or know you still stand before smoke and mirrors.
Yes, the journey toward trusting and loving again is a difficult one after something huge happens in a relationship. I am still working on that, but I do love myself enough to seek happiness; not from relationships, but from accepting myself and impacting others. I can't take anything with me when I leave this world, so I need to leave the best parts of me here, in the brightest of ways.
Very brave and strong, also excellent that there are support groups to help spouses in these situations. Bravo.
It is devastating when this happens.
The LGBTQ spouse is liberated but the straight spouse is crushed, feels duped, was lied to, if there are children they either don’t understand or are too young to know. Throw religious beliefs on top of it, the straight spouse can feel ashamed, the community may shun them, and in turn they might shame the one coming out.
I can almost understand in years past when it was harder to come out.
But in today’s day and age, there is no excuse anymore for the charade. Just don’t do it. Be brave. Please don’t drag an unwitting spouse into the closet with you.
If you have, and you want to come out to them, do it. But understand that there will be pain, and don’t ask them to keep your secret, they are not required to stay in the closet with you.
You can heal from this. But she’s right, be humble, it will take time.
I have been though this and you can see from my picture what side of the fence I sit on.
I was the hardest thing I have ever done at times I still think of her sometimes we spent 4 of my younger years together she will always be in my mind the good times. It took me years to figure my true self out after that and looking back there's so many things I would do different to help her heal, I had no idea how to help her I could only see how I needed to help myself.
Great speech Emily
Bevin Smeith Thanks for that. Many blessings to you in this not-so-easy journey of life!
I feel empathy for both of you. Staying in the closet must have been terrible, but that doesn't excuse that he cheated on you. Of course, he probably still loved you, but he couldn't have been attracted to you. In a situation like this, it is the wrong thing to cheat on someone, but the right thing to eventually tell your spouse. Honesty is key, amirite. We also can't shun the ex-spouse because they probably love you and still want you in their life.
Edit: thank you so much for the likes
Thank you for speaking your truth, betrayal in any union is a very difficult pill to swallow.
I think most of us want to know "why" our significant others were not in love with us, fell out of love with us, and/or cheated on us in unanticipated ways. Seldom do we get to know the answer. In the case of closeted gays, at least the injured straight partner has an understandable explanation for the separation. That being said, I am sorry for all the straight folks who were damaged by us gay folks coming to terms with ourselves. I've known people on both sides (men hurt by closeted women, and women by closeted men). Please forgive us and please feel our positive energy that you might enjoy a beautiful relationship with a deserving partner, even when our own fears do not promise same outcome for us. ==Chris
Emily, thank you for you! thank you for your honesty and sharing this part of your life with the world.
Kayt, you and your family are beautiful. You are an advocate for many, and I admire YOUR life!
I too am married but also fit into the transgender intersex spectrum. You see I was born with both ovarian and testicular tissue. Like this young women I did marry and have been so for over forty years. For me it was a case of slow very slow self discovery. Oh well the truth is it was horrid lifetime of discovery. For me the truth came out when I came down with testicular ovarian cancer. Not the best way of figuring who you are as a human being but in the end I was grateful I survived and grateful my spouse is coming to love me for who I am.
My path is work in progress, our marriage is no longer work in progress. We love each other for who we are and are still married.
Thank you, Emily. You are an amazingly strong person and an inspiration.
So helpful to remember to keep my own balance in every relationship, so others, all others, can truly depend on me. Thank you.
very good point : and this goes NOT only to LGBT people,is to unfaithfulness,betrayal of any kind....The person will heal faster if you truly "humble"and open up."To comprehend is to forgive."
Powerful. There is so much hurt in this world. You are a brave and incredible person, Ms. Reese. Honesty is so important. Honesty to yourself (in this case if you're LGBTQ) is important, but it might be more important to be honest to whom one has made a 'forever' VOW of marriage.
Life and relationships are so tough, and being truthful to ourselves is no easy task. Thank you for your encouraging words.
Yes, there is much hurt in this world and although it's hard to go through everytime we're hurt, it's also what makes us stronger and wiser. Like everybody else I've been hurt a number of times, but when I look back I can see there was a valuable lesson to be learned every single time. What's much more painful is to look back on the times that I hurt others (although one can learn from that, too.)
Absolutely beautiful Emily! I am so glad I found my local support group in Australia, they have really been a huge help in dealing with this.
Aaron, the road we have been given is difficult. I am so thankful that you have the support you need. Blessings!
Thank you Emily =)
The only relationships with men I've ever had were with closeted men. I want to break this pattern. It feels like there's this secret to attracting a straight man that I haven't discovered & it pains me greatly.
Same Melissa. At least 4 or the guys I’ve been with also like men…. I think it’s me because i tend to like calm, easy, soft spoken guys. Traits that straight men don’t usually have, ugh 🙄 so i end up with the bi/ closeted guy😭
Rebuke that pattern in the name of JESUS! I’m not assuming, but I read and studied, heck even seen, that “spirits recognize spirits” or something like that. For me as a straight man, I attract beautiful Christian women. And I mean beautiful and God-fearing. The problem is my self esteem. It’s getting better now.
Emily, though I doubt that you will ever read this, I admire your strength of person and your ability to, not just survive, but live afterwards is inspiring. I hope one day the pain will ebb away for you until it can no longer prevent you from living your life.
My comment on Emily's talk is this: I 100% empathize with her situation. I have a (female) friend who went through exactly the same experience. In their case, fortunately there were no kids, so a separation was "comparatively easy", although I know they both went through a lot of pain after her husband came out to her.
I don't have a solution for a situation like this, but I can't but help thinking that a part of the blame lies on the shoulders of the collective society. As long as it is an issue for ANYONE to come out as gay/lesbian, some gays and lesbians will continue to attempt committed relationships (via marriage, or otherwise) in an attempt to "cure"/change themselves, or to hide their sexual orientation. (The last statement said acknowledging that there are some homosexual people who only find out they are gay after getting married.) I can't help but think that if being gay/lesbian were accepted as perfectly normal phenomenon, homosexual people would find it easier to exist happily in society, and not make the mistake of getting involved in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite sex.
The best (albeit not perfect) answer is this: EDUCATION. Everyone in society should be educated about topics like this. We have to stop depriving ourselves of being informed of matters this important.
i guess my thought it that while you can blame society for them not coming out, you can't blame society for them choosing to marry. no one was forcing him to marry her. sure his family may have bugged him to get a girlfriend, or maybe after they were dating bugged them to get married. but as a strait but career driven woman i can say bugging is not the end of the world. its nosy and not their business but its not the end of the world. also eventually people give up.
Can't you imagine the pressure some families and church communities can put on a young person to get married?
Martin Chamberlain empathy and sympathy aren’t the same thing
@@EleneDOM, is that a reason to ruin someone else's life though? I rather sacrifice my life than destroy someone else's.
Martin Chamberlain: You are 100% right. Youare a wise man. Thank you!
always pay attention to your intuition.
It's about time the straight side, the devastated side, the side who was not adulterous, the side that cries, the side that was betrayed and blames themselves, is represented. Yet the LGBT side attacks with such self entitled viciousness that believes that the 'coming out' is what is truly important.
*speechless*
Yes, we need to hear more from the straight side. But not every LGBT spouse is what you portrayed here. Not all of them are adulterous. Not all of them intentionally lie to their spouse. Some of them might not have realised they were LGBT until years into the marriage. There is hurt on both sides, and it's not always the fault of the LGBT spouse. Let's be fair here.
It's comments like yours that make it really hard to sympathize with the "devastated side", so please shut up.
Homophobia hurts EVERYONE
I went through a similar situation. We recognized his needs before we went through with our wedding (a few months later). He has found himself in the 6 years since. I'm still working on finding myself. We are now best friends because we loved each other as human beings and we care about each other on a level that transcends a relationship. He is a fabulous (pun intended) person who deserves to be happy, and I am proud that he allowed himself to be who he is. Its easy to be selfish in this situation, your pain matters, and its easy to be angry. Put yourself in their shoes and you realize that you are in the position of privilege. Support them because you love them as a person and because they deserve to live life as their true selves. Be open. Try to understand.
- Hugheser Excellent comment. I support your thoughts and actions 100%! My ex and I are now great friends and we have created a safe and secure family structure for our kids. We are “The Reeses and Their Pieces” as well as a “Rainbow Family.” Understanding and empathizing with my now ex helped me to heal and face the issues that have happened because of our situation. I am happy that you, too, have acceptance and love for each other. It’s the best of all possible outcomes, IMO. Unfortunately, so many straights don’t end up like us and it is tough.
It takes two to tango.
Thanks for commenting,
Emily Reese
That's some hard stuff. I can only imagine what going through something like this must've put her through and am amazed at the strength and kindness she has decided to foster from it and the way she showed it on stage was just too beautiful.
Wow! God bless her. This happens. And her response is truly graceful and inspiring.
It's the deceit that makes it so bad
He lied and cheated on her. He could have come out or stayed single. He could have protrayed himself as a bachelor or womanizer. He didn't need to destroy her dreams and her life!
Kat B
Victim blaming, nice.
Alex Noa Clearly you cannot understand english. I didn't blame the victime at all! She deserved better!
I agree, Kat.
Kat B Exactly!
Alex Noa It's not victim blaming. When you think about it, both of them are victims. Both of them suffered. The husband has to lie all yhe time and she felt betrayed (and was)
Thank you, Emily, for your light. Well done. RIP
This was so informative, inspiring and powerful! Kudos to finding your true self and loving yourself. I think we need to re-learn how to first love God and then ourselves before we hand the power to someone else so show and control how to love. Thank you for sharing.
WOW phenomenal, GREAT job & THANKS for the honesty.
Compassionate delivery of a compelling and heartfelt story and message. Cheers to Emily for being bold and standing vulnerable on that stage to help others.
Thanks, Francine. I was so grateful to know you were out there in the audience, supporting me while I was on stage, opening up my heart. You are a wonderful person!
So, there is a necessary part of the process for the LGBTQ spouse in telling the truth: it can be traumatic for your spouse. Tell them what they ask about, and be open, but don't flood them. It can retraumatize them, and if there is infidelity in this process, then it's inherently traumatizing. (Just a perspective from a marriage therapist; this is a great piece.)
Kyne Halliforn Excellent point. Thanks for piping in!
The damage done to EVERYBODY by homophobia is incalculable
^^
David Gantt Homophobia? What about lying?
+Bilbo Baggins
People wouldn't be lying in this situation were it not for homophobia. They would accept themselves and feel comfortable to express it.
vorpal22 Chicken and the egg.
Bilbo What does this have to do with chicken and the egg? Homophobia causes people to hate and shun the LGBQ and makes them hate themselves and want to change. Because of this they hide and marry people they shouldn't and end up hurting others. Take away homophobia and people won't have to lie about it.
Your grace is a comfort. Your words are important. Thank you for speaking to your experience!
,, you are an inspiration to me thanks
Wise words Emily! And what a courage to come up front and disclose your pain to others. This is the only way to allow true healing to take place. As a gay man, I've met many gay men who were married, had children and got divorced. And I wonder how it went about talking about this situation. I wonder about how their kids are, how they handled or are still handling it. I am glad you've come to the best or only alternative for decent, courageous people: to be honest. To admit one's mistake, and to try to settle things right. In the end, hopefully, everyone will be happy.
People shouldn't lie about their sexuality in marriage. If one doesn't trust their partner enough to be honest then they don't being married their partner.
He likely didn't know/was in denial until they got married, tried to fight it, then decided he just 'wanted to experiment', tried it and realized he liked it. Everything up until the 'tried it' part is understandable. At the moment his 'wanting to experiment' became 'actively seeking a partner' it became a unacceptable. We can't help growing and figuring who we are. We CAN and SHOULD minimize the damage we do to others in the process.
@@alliekingsley7919 Exactly!
I think this good video. Hopefully it can help start the discussion with some who don't know where to turn.
That's why I do what I do. I hope the same thing! Thanks for commenting and supporting the message in my TED Talk, John!
Compassion is found in trying to imagine yourself in someone else's shoes. I feel sorry for her, and I feel equally sorry for her X-husband. Fostering understanding and non-judgement are the keys to allowing everyone else to live their own lives authentically. Humans (especially religion) create so much judgement that it's nearly impossible for some people to be who they truly are...for fear of being chastised, outcast, harmed.... Live and let live.
If the X husband was hetero and cheated would you feel sorry for him? What if he was cheating while they were dating ie before the marriage ever took place? He ...knew he was not attracted to her in a way a person in a couple should be. He lied to her and cheated. Why make excuses for that?
OMG. I am sick of my mom talking about marriage. Thankfully I ran away from home.... The good think is my counselor told me if you want to be get married just be honest and express it, otherwise the marriage will fail and I agree with that
Screw what others say, if you love someone you grow with them, love and accept them.
I don't see why everyone is giving this woman such a hard time; everyone has a view on what's right and you can't change that. All these different people groups have different views on what's right, and that's one of the things that make us different. Just because you don't believe what she believes doesn't give you much of a right to tell her what's she should believe, because that's her choice. If you look from her perspective, she might not believe what you think is right, but that doesn't give her the right to tell y'all what's right, and you shouldn't tell her what's right either. We are all different and come from different backgrounds, so we are bound to have different views, and that's okay. She chooses to follow what her religion says, and that does not mean that she should be given speeches on "how she is wrong". Look at it from a different perspective, think to yourself "she has a different view than me and that's okay" because no matter how hard everyone tries, we will always have differences. What's important is for you to follow and do whatever you think is right, and not spend your time bashing others opinions, because they believe their opinions are right just as much as you do. I have high respect for this woman to get on stage and talk about something like this, and I doubt any of you griping about what she believes in would do something remotely like this. I applaud her.
I have both a thumbs up and a thumbs down for your comment. You make an excellent point about tolerance. I do feel, however, that some of what she said needed to be rebutted. Not flamed, just rebutted. Soo...kinda thumbs up?
@@devD1967 exactly!
If your opinion is "you shouldn't exist" then it's not a simple opinion.
This is the kind of collateral damage that happens when a conservative society forces someone to live in the closet and lie to themselves and everyone around them. If her ex-husband had felt confident enough to come out at an early age and live his authentic life, imagine the pain that could have been prevented.
Give me a break, like visible minorities, natives who couldn't live their culture, etc etc. etc. etc. jews who were persecuted, blacks who are wrongfully accused...
Dude no one forced him to marry anyone. He did that all by himself. Blaming society for our personal shortcomings is just an out and a very weak one at that.
@@diane5830 You don't understand societal pressures and the desperate desire by many to conform to them. Or maybe he had the same dream as the speaker but could no longer play the role.
Life is not that simple, or haven't you noticed?
@@bronzageescaleausoleil2608 I don't understand your point. We just got a list.
Amen
I feel for her. Nobody probably wants to here my comment but... If U know your not strait... don't marry a strait person. Yes, and vice versa.
Bi people exist.
Sasquatch Soldrboi so choose before you commit.
@@Yaya-mg8sb yep, boy did you boil down my word vomit into a simple and eloquent phrase. LOL!
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, I needed this.
I'm seeing people say she is playing the victim card and that the husband was the real victim....in situations like this, there is no "real victim". Both were victims of different things in their own ways. The fact that they experienced two different types of pain doesnt make either of them less valid. He cheated on and kept this secret for their entire marriage. He was probably scared to come out (especially since they both seem to have been religious) and that fear of rejection caused him to hide it all this time. They are both allowed to be mad or sad about the situation.
girlwithnoname x Thank you for showing understanding. Much💙Emily Reese
Choosing to leave or stay really had nothing to do with Christian values. The fact that he said he wouldn't cheat with another woman seems to indicate he was probably cheating with a man, which is adultery and a reason to leave. Staying with him was choice, not Christian values.
Smart and courageous speaker. Thanks for sharing your story and insight. I feel certain it will touch lives. I wish you well.
hmm seems like eradicating homophobia would help the straights too. /who would have thought
Well spoken, Zoe.
Ada is simply insecure.
Ada Vanja why are you mad? Zoe said nothing wrong
Yes it does! In the end the truth is the best way.
zoe said nothing wrong
Yes, because genocide has always made things so much better for the survivors. /s
she felt as if she was drowning. I can sypathise. Brave woman you are
Many years ago a woman who worked for decades at a large insurance company told me I'd be shocked at how many long married men leave everything to another man, almost always a stranger to the wife.
Humility is the gift for healing. I agree 100%. Blessings to you for saying this!! Honesty and Humility make all the difference in the world for the straight spouse. It is an action of love and enables forgiveness and moving forward too.
I wasn't too crazy about her, until she acknowledged that coming out is hard but it is something that you should do. By recognizing that both sides struggle, and that there is no clean solution, because you either betray yourself or your spouse, it validates both sides of the issue.
yikes
Incredible message...straight and honest talk...there always 2 sides to a relationship.
He will never say he’s sorry! That’s the hardest thing to accept!
I am so sorry that you experienced so much pain. Scripture DOES NOT require anyone to stay married when the vows have been broken. I hope you continue to heal and grow into the phenomenal woman that you are. You experienced very painful acts of deceit, disrespect, lies, disloyalty and heartbreak that you did not deserve and I pray blessings on you as you move forward.
but the commandments do prevent one from marrying again. I don't think that's fair either. It is false scripture that causes this sort of thing to happen in the first place. Zombie like followers who insist homosexuality is sinful and wrong. And then after something like this happens we blame the person for not being who they really are. Religion today is extremely messed up.
"Ex gays" are supposedly transformed by God yet their "transformation" victimizes their heterosexual partners who they aren't even capable of having a romantic relationship with because they have no attraction to the opposite sex. Straight people deserve to be loved romantically by someone actually capable of it. It's all so ironic.