You can spend all day learning the reason behind someone’s behavior and attachment style and it will help you depersonalize their behavior, which is extremely freeing, but please, please, please do not let it convince you that it makes them change. I’ve spent a lot of time leaving and attachment theory and it’s been tremendously beneficial in all of my relationships, but it helped ME change. I found myself staying longer in unhealthy dynamics because I was considering a person’s reasoning behind their behavior over what I knew to be healthy. Ended up with a covert narcissist for the better part of two years. Learn this stuff, but do not let it make unhealthy behavior excusable. Mutuality and reciprocity are still pillars to successful and healthy relationships.
I got out of Thais, sad still but not as much pain. I asked my ex once if anyone else gets upset at his lack of immediate response and he said no just me. Felt gaslighting. In the beginning he flooded me with communication but as soon as I asked for more in person time and we got closer he fell back. I adjusted to not appear needy but knew this wasn’t for me. I started therapy as a means to help with non violent communication so as to not push him away. Helped some but she’s not an attachment specialist so most advice was more about me just leaving. I wanted to learn how to attune to him and help him attune to me. I miss what we could’ve been. I’ll mourn this almost relationship for awhile only because it feels like a missed opportunity. I had to distance myself because he wanted to stay friends and it just hurt too much. This was a month ago, he’s left me on read..the final blow of his need to be in control and assert autonomy. Sad..the ego, destroys lives.
It's a GREAT opportunity. To move on up and find someone way more suitable who'll make you feel comfortable and HAPPY. This kind of treatment is a waste of time, I went through it myself and I would never go back, still getting over it but feeling much better, life is too short to deal with this kind of crap
Always be mindful of what your own boundaries are in a relationship and what you require to make you happy. If there is something you need, communicate and be prepared to stick to it. Be conscious that regular avoidant behaviours may be activating a lack of safety and fear of abandonment in you, which can make it hard to relax and see the relationship objectively. Connection doesn’t mean compatibility. I trust that you’ll be OK.
My exact story…….. it’s so confusing. It’s 😊so overwhelming and heartbreaking. I love mine more than I thought was humanly possible. We are 62 & he’s 72 DA. I was secure, now in therapy for anxiety. I’ve never loved anyone like I did him. It doesn’t change & gets worse, except for very few cases. I’m sorry you were hurt too. I tried my best…….
I'm sorry that you're going through this and thank you for sharing.I feel that you're describing my experience, it hasn't been easy. All I can do is to show up for me and work on my healing ❤️🩹🤕. Wish you the best 🙏🏻
Definitely true: even though totally bread crumbing me, when I left my ex said he felt that he had always treated me with respect. I thougt 'are you kidding me??' when anyone else would have mentioned some of the things he did, he would definitely recognise it as very unhealthy and would be empathizing. it's really a blind spot, and he is still the victim of my sudden leave (of which I am not proud, but didn't know what to do after so many painful experiences of not being heared or prioritised). I'm sure many of you can relate to this.
@@anitawieman3900Sounds exactly like me. My son's mother left me after 5yrs together. She never offered any type of explanation and that literally destroyed me. Of course it didn't help she replaced me within a month. That was over 15 years ago! I'm still alone! Now that mom and dad have passed I started getting really lonely been that way for yrs but now depression is coming and I just realized it was probably avoident attachment all along. If she would have at least let me know perhaps I wouldn't have to die alone. I'm so lonely and now my son is probably going to be just like me! To make it even worse I'm a recovering opiate addict because I started abusing pain meds after she left so coldly so being alone is extra hard.
It Gets frustrating, they leave you on read, or don't even open your message, and then text saying oh I didn't hear from you yesterday, well you didn't bother your hole opening me last message and replying why would I send you another message.
@@walsh007 if u have the fortitude to stick it out, it gets better. It’s very very hard. Mine opened up about a traumatic event, so there’s trust now. Remember, too much information overload on the internet. You know your partner best. They’re not all the same.
I think it is both: there's reason for empathy, but you can't fix their wounds without them making an effort to work through them. the empathy that is making 'us partners' do all the work just enables them.
but in the beginning of the relationship, they do not show up like this. Once they get you attached to them, then it starts. That’s been my experience. And that’s manipulative as it comes. That’s Playboy stuff and I’m tired of making excuses for these people.
yup... that avoidance is not there in the beginning because it's a manipulation tactic that's why and a " subtle hint" for a woman that she is no longer wanted manipulator is just unable /unwilling to clearly and directly verbally communicate it that's all
@@originalmix2546 yet they refuse to let you break up w: them by not giving your belongings back. 🤦🏼♀️ So I uno reversed and simply said: keep thousands of dollars of things. It’s not worth it,
@@Learning7796 I feel you 💛 And this is hella spooky, what you wrote about things, because my ex is using my belongings that I have left at his place right before the break up, as means to mentally terrorize me and threaten me with destroying them/selling them away! Anything just not giving them back to me! He also knows that I cannot return to pick them up at the speed he wants me to (we have talked about this numerous times !) and instead of having a decency to just keep them like a normal person, he is threatening me nearly every week.. idk he has possibly already thrown them all out/there is no way for me to check even...he is able to do that All while I'm going through not only the stress aftermath from our break up but also other tough stuff that I need to deal with at this time is a lot and he knows that and yet decides that it is a good idea to just threaten me Idk will I ever be even able to get my belongings again For me, they are not worth thousands...few hundreds maybe, sure 💯 and those hundreds don't grow in trees for me I'm not well off and he knows that too yet he still thinks it is a good idea to plunder my things for no reason whatsoever but I personally don't think this is a DA thing or to do with attachment theory it's a human thing you either have morals or you don't
Fantastic video, thank you for the breakthroughs, Thais! 💥✨💥 My exboyfriend is a DA (refused to take the attachment style quiz), breadcrumbed me so much … and that breadcrumbing was love, to him. I stayed in the relationship for 4 yrs because subliminally I thought I could help him heal. ❤
The issue is that in the beginning and someyimes fir up to 6 months, the avoidant is present and engaged. Then, they pull back hard and rarely want to spend time with you. Si, I dont undersyand how t9 them breadcrumbing equals love when in the beginning, they werent like that. I get that once the relationship becomes real, the fears take over and they start self sabotaging.
Yeah I agree this was my experience and he then had some personal things that caused finance issues so it was an easy way to pull away then. I kept communicating what I wanted and finally he said I love you but I can't give you what you want. But I 100% think it was self sabotage based on him being dismissive! I still love and miss him but want to make sure this doesn't happen again.
Interesting. I’ve watched a few of your videos. I was recently dating someone. And on Valentine’s Day he flipped like a switch. The weeks following I barely heard from him. He said he does this all of the time in relationships. He gets afraid. But I had 3 different occasions where I tried to break it off. But I just adored him so much. I could see the good and kind nature in him. He had a really rough childhood. The first time I tried breaking it off he showed up at my house and just wrapped his arms around me and held on for a couple of minutes. I felt it. He didn’t want me to go. But I kept feeling as though he talked to other women also. And I thought that was distracting him from me. But now I’m realizing he is dismissive avoidant after seeing so many videos. It’s so sad. It breaks my heart to know he struggles with this because I can tell how loving he can be. The last time I broke it off he said “so you don’t want to do this anymore?” And I said “Do what, Roger? I never hear from you. What is it you think we are doing?” So now my question is, after watching these videos… is it possible that if a couple sits down and actually takes a calendar and schedules days and appropriate times to text, call, and schedule seeing each other and agreeing yo each month, is it possible this would help a DA? It sounds silly. But if there’s an agreement on what constitutes an appropriate amount as a minimum fit contact, would a DA be able to do better?!
It is possible to heal this dynamic BUT it's important to really analyze certain things. My fiance is DA BUT he WANTS change. He allows me to speak and ask for needs although I have to start small. He ALWAYS replies to texts and calls. He is loyal consistent and responsible. He wants to get married. THIS is a man that can be helped. But to schedule appropriate times to text or communicate? Is that what you deserve? Does that seem fair? Honey I'm like you, I have a huge heart and see the sweet innocent child in them but as for us WE HAVE NEEDS we deserve to be filled. If my partner didn't at least work with me on my needs I'd be gone. I almost left him last November and it caused him to step up and start calling me each day. C'mon my friend, we deserve more than bare minimum. Also, check out Margarita Nazarenkos videos on avoidants and detachment.
@@ninaziva4639because in a healthy relationship you have reciprocation. But with an avoidant, they will love bomb at first and slowly pull away once they start catching feelings, having you do most of the emotional investment trying to figure out their needs. And if you ask about it they won’t talk about it or gaslight like nothing happened. It’s manipulation, this pattern will always continue until you finally decide to leave for good. It’s not easy to leave an avoidant either since they tend not to give any closure and like to keep you around as a back up
@@joev7014 love bombing and gaslighting are not exclusive to avoidants. Any attachment style can do this. I've had this done by anxious attachments and fa's too. If we fall for a love bomber, that should be a big sign to ourselves that we have healing work to do or at the very least be a lesson to know what to look out for next time.
It’s not necessarily breadcrumb if it’s making time for you in their mind. That’s why I feel anxiously attached and dismissive avoidant can be a good relationship. Because if committed to healing then we can understand each other. Imagine being so disregulated that you didn’t realize two days passed. This is what their mind is like in a relationship.
It's been interesting to keep up with all these new dating terms. 😅 Terms like ghosting and breadcrumbing were called "blowing off" and leading/stringing along back in the early 2000s. 🤣 That said, I notice people will often breadcrumb merely to satisfy their ego. I've had several female friends who would breadcrumb me simply because they saw me talking with other girls. This despite the fact that we were well established as PLATONIC friends. They'd all of a sudden suggest changing the dynamic of the relationship, which I always declined. Strange how that works.
Far out, im happy with my free life now, but damn the scars are still there from my avoidant ex from 9 months ago! She just sent me a video that put into the words that she couldn't communicate herself, which basically blamed me for her hot and cold attitude. It was about intimacy, and i was being bread crumbed with it big time. I mentioned a few times what i value and closeness and intimacy wss one of them. I wouldn't see her again for 2 or 3 weeks after mentioning it. No amount of dating and courting would improve it either. Makes me sick when i think about how long i stayed in that relationship. I never had a problem with past relationships desiring me and wanted intimacy all the time. Worst relationship I've ever had out of all my past relationships.
@@culalamola2 What confuses me then is, how much time he gives to his best guy friend. There are no time limits on that and it's literally hours per day.
Avoidants love power and control.. "Nobody" is worthy of their time. They feel you should be " honored" to even get a "crumb" from them. They are emotionally bankrupt and crippled. They are not suitable for connections.. They should stay on their own and stop pretending they are equipped for relationships..They only bring hurt and pain guaranteed ❤
why im staying in a situaion being breadcrumbed? Because i want to be supportive, understanding and dont want to be the one that runs away at first sight things arent great or someone has flaws, cause we all have flaws, no one is perfect. And maybe because i wish i had a person like that in my life that doesnt run away when your flaws or weaknesses are revealed.
when someone doesn't want you - staying with them won't make them want you and if they wanted you - they would clearly show it so you are playing yourself
@@originalmix2546 in theory, easier said than done. Problem with these people is exactly that, breadcrumbing. Every once in a while they give you a crumb that they are interested. Breadcrumbing is so unfair to us, but i know its on us to not tolerating it. I admire people who are strong to say no to that even though they have feelings for them.
@@jasminm984 yeah, I know ..been there myself and got the T-shirt too .. 💔 Even a crumb is better than nothing... 😔 and how sweet they can be, specially, if you been kept starving...Once you get away (I had no power and self respect to walk away myself, he broke up with me) after much pain and crying daily, several months later, I feel better. and I regret for not leaving much much sooner . without getting disrespected so bad to force me to leave.So when I see another woman is such /similar setting, It boils my blood because no human should go through it ..And after much 💔 at first, later later you always gain peace and clarity and to live again. Without pain this time. With some bitter lessons, but guess, needed lessons behind the belt.. Hug to you.
@@jasminm984 it's a saying -" been there , done that, got the t-shirt"... meaning - what you wrote in your original comment - I been there myself as well (not wanting to give up on someone , having those bread crumbs pulling me in so it's hard to leave, etc)
I am a FA with a DA best friend. I feel I am watching here and understanding her much more which makes me more patient- but i don’t think showing her this or encouraging her or trying to tell her about this would go over well. How do I help her with breadcrumbing? I am not going back because i can’t help myself- i go back because I care about her and don’t want to be a friend who just walks away and gives up.
Thank her when she shows up the way you like but also respect when something feels like too much pressure because FA has a part of us that craves self-awareness but DA was taught not to rock the boat by looking for issues, even their own so "fixing" their DA parts isn't likely but loving and accepting them, meeting them where they are, asking for a need to met but forgiving when it isn't or can't be is our option with our loved-DAs.
Is it possible to spend a life time together with a DA if they never heal or will they just drop you like a hot potato in the end even if you get it righ 90% of the time. Just curious?
Is it possible? Definitely! Is it stable, fulfilling? Not at all. Choosing to spend a lifetime with someone who shows no desire/hope to be more emotionally available in a romantic relationship... from both ends, there'll be a lot of unhappiness and resentment.
My mum is DA and married to my dad almost 50 years now. I think he's secure. It's an alright marriage, she's pretty insane sometimes but he is so chill that it works. There is a hell of a lot of compromise. It depends on both people deciding to make it work, I suppose. They are quite traditional but I wouldn't agree that they are miserable at all.
I’m a woman and DA. The DA traits may show up differently in me because I’m a woman and very much in love with my husband which made me want to reciprocate his love. He ended up cheating which made me feel like my efforts were in vain tho. Without that happening we probably would have been married pretty happily for the rest of our lives since I put in a lot of effort to try and met his emotional needs.
@Shweetie11 I'm sorry you had to go through that, I was anxiously attached and ex fiance a DA. I'll be man enough to admit that my lack of understanding and negativity killed our relationship. Also, we were two broken people going through the toughest times of our lives. When my father passed away in my arms two days ago I told everyone that I trust including her even though we where hardly speaking it took her until the next day to actually read it and reply, she has been so supportive ever since and I absolutely admire that she actually impressed me to the point that im willing to show her the person ive become as friendsfor now of course. For me personally I could never cheat on someone because I date with the intention to find my soul mate and that's definitely worth fighting for and being loyal to the end. I'm sorry you went through that one can only imagine how devastating that must have been as I once went through something similar 😕
I am new to this and I have a question. First of all, I think I am an anxious attacher and I think my husband is a dismissive avoidant. He breadcrumbs me all the time with only spending limited time with me, but it's not because he wants to be alone. He never wants to be alone, I have noticed this and he has actually told me that he hates being alone. He just seems to not want to spend a lot of time with me. When he is away from me its always because he is busy with other people, or he is running errands or something. I have suspected other things but he always denied doing any thing wrong. Could he be a narcissist who is always on the hunt for narcissistic supply and I am not enough for him?
I think they just have issues but it’s almost like they resent you for making them “FEEL EMOTIONS” they resent that they feel attached to us… so they try to distract themselves by doing all this other busywork bs… I say let him do what he wants and ignore him and fill your days and time with things you like to do.. friends, family, self care, fun and watch him act like you “don’t care”. Then you tell him… you’ve made it clear you don’t care to spend time with me or prioritize me so I took your hint and just decided to leave you be, I am not going to sit around anymore waiting for you to notice me. If he tries to make you change your plans … which he will say.. well I already have something planned this weekend we can hang out next weekend…
Still confused I have been with this girl for 8 months the first 7 were great there were some strange things like lots of space or alone time but she seemed to make time( 2 dates a week)then she shifted hard definately bread crumbs still texts but at night she shuts down always has and she is just by herself not sure what to do. She is a great person but I have to somehow get through to her even if it is a little at a time. HOW need help
@SunshineAndSnowflakes she says good morning by text maybe we can do something tomorrow however she says she is tired maybe tomorrow or we can do that in the future and all she is doing is sitting in her apartment
@@MrScaryt hmm. Is she depressed? Honestly this sounds like something I would do if I have some inner stuff happening. I would never mean it to come off as breadcrumbs. 💔
Do no talk about how it is making you feel. Words won't do anything but put her in her head. You want her out of her head, that's the space where fear lives. Get her some nice flowers, get her a little gift of some kind. Drop it off to her place with a note saying you are looking forward to spending a little time together again at some point and sorry for having been so busy, you just wanted to give her a little something as you were in the area. That's it. No big delcarations. It's you contributing something, making an effort without asking for reciprocity, which you won't get. However her response will tell you a lot...
Whether she is depressed or DA self-soothing, seeing someone else, overwhlemed from work, school, life, whatever it is you can make up a million different stories. What you cannot do is think your way into a new dynamic. It ALWAYS takes some kind of real world catalyst.
Before leaving a comment about how a DA has hurt you, stop and reflect on your victim mindset and whether you would like to work on yourself to become secure.
Same thing could be said to avoidants. To all insecure attachment style basically. We all must take responsibility for our attachments, but that doesn't imply letting other people emotionally abuse, neglect or mistreat us either.
Great information. But some constructive criticism: You talk way too fast. Take your time. The information you’re giving deserves the time to give it in a way/speed that is more digestible.
I am already binge watching - discovered the incredible Thais an hour ago - but this is the first thing I thought - and commented upon. Yes, we can always adjust speed, but for each person who does that, 10 might skip the channel altogether. And such wisom is sorely needed.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life In some cases it’s because they are scared. They don’t want the relationship to get serious and don’t want to get so attached because, they think, what if didn’t work? What if my partner fell out of love and decided to break up and leave me? And because they experienced this kind of pain in the past; they try not to fall in love and make little to no effort to build a real meaningful relationship, in order for them not to be disappointed when it fails. It’s a protection mechanism.
@@rose-of-theoasisI'm the dismissive avoidant and I simply can't relate to the need for all this emotionality in a relationship, it is simply not a flavour I have ever known how to enjoy, but I am making an effort to learn how to tolerate it so people won't feel so abandoned by me and so I can develop my softer side. But I don't really feel afraid of being abandoned, it's more a fear of being suffocated and lost in an unfamiliar landscape.
We must also learn that every thought we have doesn’t always stem from us. It could be what we heard in line at store, on tv or wherev. We don’t belong to our thoughts. We aren’t bound to them or ruled by them. We can change, ignore, and dismiss any negativity that tries to sneak it’s way in. 🫶🕊️
You can spend all day learning the reason behind someone’s behavior and attachment style and it will help you depersonalize their behavior, which is extremely freeing, but please, please, please do not let it convince you that it makes them change. I’ve spent a lot of time leaving and attachment theory and it’s been tremendously beneficial in all of my relationships, but it helped ME change. I found myself staying longer in unhealthy dynamics because I was considering a person’s reasoning behind their behavior over what I knew to be healthy. Ended up with a covert narcissist for the better part of two years. Learn this stuff, but do not let it make unhealthy behavior excusable. Mutuality and reciprocity are still pillars to successful and healthy relationships.
💯
So well said.Good insight
I got out of Thais, sad still but not as much pain. I asked my ex once if anyone else gets upset at his lack of immediate response and he said no just me. Felt gaslighting. In the beginning he flooded me with communication but as soon as I asked for more in person time and we got closer he fell back. I adjusted to not appear needy but knew this wasn’t for me. I started therapy as a means to help with non violent communication so as to not push him away. Helped some but she’s not an attachment specialist so most advice was more about me just leaving. I wanted to learn how to attune to him and help him attune to me. I miss what we could’ve been. I’ll mourn this almost relationship for awhile only because it feels like a missed opportunity. I had to distance myself because he wanted to stay friends and it just hurt too much. This was a month ago, he’s left me on read..the final blow of his need to be in control and assert autonomy. Sad..the ego, destroys lives.
It's a GREAT opportunity. To move on up and find someone way more suitable who'll make you feel comfortable and HAPPY. This kind of treatment is a waste of time, I went through it myself and I would never go back, still getting over it but feeling much better, life is too short to deal with this kind of crap
Always be mindful of what your own boundaries are in a relationship and what you require to make you happy. If there is something you need, communicate and be prepared to stick to it. Be conscious that regular avoidant behaviours may be activating a lack of safety and fear of abandonment in you, which can make it hard to relax and see the relationship objectively. Connection doesn’t mean compatibility. I trust that you’ll be OK.
My exact story…….. it’s so confusing. It’s 😊so overwhelming and heartbreaking. I love mine more than I thought was humanly possible. We are 62 & he’s 72 DA. I was secure, now in therapy for anxiety. I’ve never loved anyone like I did him. It doesn’t change & gets worse, except for very few cases. I’m sorry you were hurt too. I tried my best…….
I'm sorry that you're going through this and thank you for sharing.I feel that you're describing my experience, it hasn't been easy. All I can do is to show up for me and work on my healing ❤️🩹🤕. Wish you the best 🙏🏻
@@JustMe-ki3ce 72 years old, oh my goodness I want to cry for you
You said something so accurate that makes so much sense. To DAs, bread crumbing is love.
😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
So sad
Wat
Definitely true: even though totally bread crumbing me, when I left my ex said he felt that he had always treated me with respect. I thougt 'are you kidding me??' when anyone else would have mentioned some of the things he did, he would definitely recognise it as very unhealthy and would be empathizing. it's really a blind spot, and he is still the victim of my sudden leave (of which I am not proud, but didn't know what to do after so many painful experiences of not being heared or prioritised). I'm sure many of you can relate to this.
@@anitawieman3900Sounds exactly like me. My son's mother left me after 5yrs together. She never offered any type of explanation and that literally destroyed me. Of course it didn't help she replaced me within a month. That was over 15 years ago! I'm still alone! Now that mom and dad have passed I started getting really lonely been that way for yrs but now depression is coming and I just realized it was probably avoident attachment all along. If she would have at least let me know perhaps I wouldn't have to die alone. I'm so lonely and now my son is probably going to be just like me! To make it even worse I'm a recovering opiate addict because I started abusing pain meds after she left so coldly so being alone is extra hard.
I deserve more than someone's breadcrumbs. No more. Avoidants are named right... They need to be avoided.
This does make sense, Thais, thank you. I’ll give to myself, so I may find a whole loaf somewhere else.
I tell myself to sit back, let THEM make a move. Then I watch something like this and feel sorry for them. 😢
It Gets frustrating, they leave you on read, or don't even open your message, and then text saying oh I didn't hear from you yesterday, well you didn't bother your hole opening me last message and replying why would I send you another message.
@@walsh007 if u have the fortitude to stick it out, it gets better. It’s very very hard. Mine opened up about a traumatic event, so there’s trust now. Remember, too much information overload on the internet. You know your partner best. They’re not all the same.
I think it is both: there's reason for empathy, but you can't fix their wounds without them making an effort to work through them. the empathy that is making 'us partners' do all the work just enables them.
but in the beginning of the relationship, they do not show up like this. Once they get you attached to them, then it starts. That’s been my experience. And that’s manipulative as it comes. That’s Playboy stuff and I’m tired of making excuses for these people.
yup...
that avoidance is not there in the beginning
because it's a manipulation tactic
that's why
and a " subtle hint" for a woman that she is no longer wanted
manipulator is just unable /unwilling to clearly and directly verbally communicate it
that's all
@@originalmix2546 yet they refuse to let you break up w: them by not giving your belongings back. 🤦🏼♀️ So I uno reversed and simply said: keep thousands of dollars of things. It’s not worth it,
@@Learning7796 I feel you 💛 And this is hella spooky, what you wrote about things, because my ex is using my belongings that I have left at his place right before the break up, as means to mentally terrorize me and threaten me with destroying them/selling them away! Anything just not giving them back to me!
He also knows that I cannot return to pick them up at the speed he wants me to (we have talked about this numerous times !) and instead of having a decency to just keep them like a normal person, he is threatening me nearly every week.. idk he has possibly already thrown them all out/there is no way for me to check even...he is able to do that
All while I'm going through not only the stress aftermath from our break up but also other tough stuff that I need to deal with at this time
is a lot
and he knows that and yet decides that it is a good idea to just threaten me
Idk will I ever be even able to get my belongings again
For me, they are not worth thousands...few hundreds maybe, sure 💯
and those hundreds don't grow in trees for me
I'm not well off
and he knows that too
yet he still thinks it is a good idea to plunder my things for no reason whatsoever
but I personally don't think this is a DA thing or to do with attachment theory
it's a human thing
you either have morals or you don't
That’s bc THEY’VE become attached to YOU.
Yep
Fantastic video, thank you for the breakthroughs, Thais! 💥✨💥 My exboyfriend is a DA (refused to take the attachment style quiz), breadcrumbed me so much … and that breadcrumbing was love, to him. I stayed in the relationship for 4 yrs because subliminally I thought I could help him heal. ❤
You are such a positive force .
Thank you for your great guidance. 🙏🏻
These relationshits have a predetermined expiration date set by their limitations.
The issue is that in the beginning and someyimes fir up to 6 months, the avoidant is present and engaged. Then, they pull back hard and rarely want to spend time with you. Si, I dont undersyand how t9 them breadcrumbing equals love when in the beginning, they werent like that. I get that once the relationship becomes real, the fears take over and they start self sabotaging.
Yeah I agree this was my experience and he then had some personal things that caused finance issues so it was an easy way to pull away then. I kept communicating what I wanted and finally he said I love you but I can't give you what you want. But I 100% think it was self sabotage based on him being dismissive! I still love and miss him but want to make sure this doesn't happen again.
Interesting. I’ve watched a few of your videos. I was recently dating someone. And on Valentine’s Day he flipped like a switch. The weeks following I barely heard from him. He said he does this all of the time in relationships. He gets afraid. But I had 3 different occasions where I tried to break it off. But I just adored him so much. I could see the good and kind nature in him. He had a really rough childhood. The first time I tried breaking it off he showed up at my house and just wrapped his arms around me and held on for a couple of minutes. I felt it. He didn’t want me to go. But I kept feeling as though he talked to other women also. And I thought that was distracting him from me. But now I’m realizing he is dismissive avoidant after seeing so many videos. It’s so sad. It breaks my heart to know he struggles with this because I can tell how loving he can be. The last time I broke it off he said “so you don’t want to do this anymore?” And I said “Do what, Roger? I never hear from you. What is it you think we are doing?” So now my question is, after watching these videos… is it possible that if a couple sits down and actually takes a calendar and schedules days and appropriate times to text, call, and schedule seeing each other and agreeing yo each month, is it possible this would help a DA? It sounds silly. But if there’s an agreement on what constitutes an appropriate amount as a minimum fit contact, would a DA be able to do better?!
It is possible to heal this dynamic BUT it's important to really analyze certain things. My fiance is DA BUT he WANTS change. He allows me to speak and ask for needs although I have to start small. He ALWAYS replies to texts and calls. He is loyal consistent and responsible. He wants to get married. THIS is a man that can be helped. But to schedule appropriate times to text or communicate? Is that what you deserve? Does that seem fair? Honey I'm like you, I have a huge heart and see the sweet innocent child in them but as for us WE HAVE NEEDS we deserve to be filled. If my partner didn't at least work with me on my needs I'd be gone. I almost left him last November and it caused him to step up and start calling me each day. C'mon my friend, we deserve more than bare minimum. Also, check out Margarita Nazarenkos videos on avoidants and detachment.
Regardless of the reason. It’s a form of manipulation… open and honest communication is not easy for an avoidant. They’ll just avoid it
But why? Open and honest communication doesn't necessarily mean full of emotions.
@@ninaziva4639because in a healthy relationship you have reciprocation. But with an avoidant, they will love bomb at first and slowly pull away once they start catching feelings, having you do most of the emotional investment trying to figure out their needs. And if you ask about it they won’t talk about it or gaslight like nothing happened. It’s manipulation, this pattern will always continue until you finally decide to leave for good. It’s not easy to leave an avoidant either since they tend not to give any closure and like to keep you around as a back up
@@joev7014 love bombing and gaslighting are not exclusive to avoidants. Any attachment style can do this. I've had this done by anxious attachments and fa's too. If we fall for a love bomber, that should be a big sign to ourselves that we have healing work to do or at the very least be a lesson to know what to look out for next time.
It’s not necessarily breadcrumb if it’s making time for you in their mind. That’s why I feel anxiously attached and dismissive avoidant can be a good relationship. Because if committed to healing then we can understand each other. Imagine being so disregulated that you didn’t realize two days passed. This is what their mind is like in a relationship.
It's been interesting to keep up with all these new dating terms. 😅 Terms like ghosting and breadcrumbing were called "blowing off" and leading/stringing along back in the early 2000s. 🤣
That said, I notice people will often breadcrumb merely to satisfy their ego. I've had several female friends who would breadcrumb me simply because they saw me talking with other girls. This despite the fact that we were well established as PLATONIC friends. They'd all of a sudden suggest changing the dynamic of the relationship, which I always declined. Strange how that works.
Far out, im happy with my free life now, but damn the scars are still there from my avoidant ex from 9 months ago! She just sent me a video that put into the words that she couldn't communicate herself, which basically blamed me for her hot and cold attitude. It was about intimacy, and i was being bread crumbed with it big time. I mentioned a few times what i value and closeness and intimacy wss one of them. I wouldn't see her again for 2 or 3 weeks after mentioning it. No amount of dating and courting would improve it either. Makes me sick when i think about how long i stayed in that relationship. I never had a problem with past relationships desiring me and wanted intimacy all the time. Worst relationship I've ever had out of all my past relationships.
I've never had a problem either 😕
So, you're saying that dismissive aren't deliberately bread crumbing, that they aren't doing it purposely?
I wanna know this too
No, they don’t do it purposely. This is how they learnt to love and be loved.
That's exactly what she's saying.
@@culalamola2 What confuses me then is, how much time he gives to his best guy friend. There are no time limits on that and it's literally hours per day.
@@a.d.b535he's not romantically involved or emotionally attached to his friend. There's no pressure or vulnerability so he can just relax.
Avoidants love power and control.. "Nobody" is worthy of their time. They feel you should be " honored" to even get a "crumb" from them. They are emotionally bankrupt and crippled. They are not suitable for connections.. They should stay on their own and stop pretending they are equipped for relationships..They only bring hurt and pain guaranteed ❤
why im staying in a situaion being breadcrumbed? Because i want to be supportive, understanding and dont want to be the one that runs away at first sight things arent great or someone has flaws, cause we all have flaws, no one is perfect. And maybe because i wish i had a person like that in my life that doesnt run away when your flaws or weaknesses are revealed.
when someone doesn't want you - staying with them won't make them want you
and if they wanted you - they would clearly show it
so you are playing yourself
@@originalmix2546 in theory, easier said than done. Problem with these people is exactly that, breadcrumbing. Every once in a while they give you a crumb that they are interested. Breadcrumbing is so unfair to us, but i know its on us to not tolerating it. I admire people who are strong to say no to that even though they have feelings for them.
@@jasminm984 yeah, I know ..been there myself and got the T-shirt too .. 💔 Even a crumb is better than nothing... 😔 and how sweet they can be, specially, if you been kept starving...Once you get away (I had no power and self respect to walk away myself, he broke up with me) after much pain and crying daily, several months later, I feel better. and I regret for not leaving much much sooner . without getting disrespected so bad to force me to leave.So when I see another woman is such /similar setting, It boils my blood because no human should go through it ..And after much 💔 at first, later later you always gain peace and clarity and to live again. Without pain this time. With some bitter lessons, but guess, needed lessons behind the belt..
Hug to you.
@@originalmix2546 what t-shirt?
@@jasminm984 it's a saying -" been there , done that, got the t-shirt"... meaning - what you wrote in your original comment - I been there myself as well (not wanting to give up on someone , having those bread crumbs pulling me in so it's hard to leave, etc)
I am a FA with a DA best friend. I feel I am watching here and understanding her much more which makes me more patient- but i don’t think showing her this or encouraging her or trying to tell her about this would go over well. How do I help her with breadcrumbing? I am not going back because i can’t help myself- i go back because I care about her and don’t want to be a friend who just walks away and gives up.
Thank her when she shows up the way you like but also respect when something feels like too much pressure because FA has a part of us that craves self-awareness but DA was taught not to rock the boat by looking for issues, even their own so "fixing" their DA parts isn't likely but loving and accepting them, meeting them where they are, asking for a need to met but forgiving when it isn't or can't be is our option with our loved-DAs.
Great... To which channel/therapist shall one go if already married with children. This wait and date thing is long gone for so many.
thank you
my my my you have hit me on the head
Is it possible to spend a life time together with a DA if they never heal or will they just drop you like a hot potato in the end even if you get it righ 90% of the time. Just curious?
Is it possible? Definitely! Is it stable, fulfilling? Not at all.
Choosing to spend a lifetime with someone who shows no desire/hope to be more emotionally available in a romantic relationship... from both ends, there'll be a lot of unhappiness and resentment.
My mum is DA and married to my dad almost 50 years now. I think he's secure. It's an alright marriage, she's pretty insane sometimes but he is so chill that it works. There is a hell of a lot of compromise. It depends on both people deciding to make it work, I suppose. They are quite traditional but I wouldn't agree that they are miserable at all.
I’m a woman and DA. The DA traits may show up differently in me because I’m a woman and very much in love with my husband which made me want to reciprocate his love. He ended up cheating which made me feel like my efforts were in vain tho. Without that happening we probably would have been married pretty happily for the rest of our lives since I put in a lot of effort to try and met his emotional needs.
@Littleowl85352 Wow, that sounds amazing. 50 years is a lifetime and so inspiring thank you for sharing ❤️
@Shweetie11 I'm sorry you had to go through that, I was anxiously attached and ex fiance a DA. I'll be man enough to admit that my lack of understanding and negativity killed our relationship. Also, we were two broken people going through the toughest times of our lives.
When my father passed away in my arms two days ago I told everyone that I trust including her even though we where hardly speaking it took her until the next day to actually read it and reply, she has been so supportive ever since and I absolutely admire that she actually impressed me to the point that im willing to show her the person ive become as friendsfor now of course. For me personally I could never cheat on someone because I date with the intention to find my soul mate and that's definitely worth fighting for and being loyal to the end. I'm sorry you went through that one can only imagine how devastating that must have been as I once went through something similar 😕
I am new to this and I have a question. First of all, I think I am an anxious attacher and I think my husband is a dismissive avoidant. He breadcrumbs me all the time with only spending limited time with me, but it's not because he wants to be alone. He never wants to be alone, I have noticed this and he has actually told me that he hates being alone. He just seems to not want to spend a lot of time with me. When he is away from me its always because he is busy with other people, or he is running errands or something. I have suspected other things but he always denied doing any thing wrong. Could he be a narcissist who is always on the hunt for narcissistic supply and I am not enough for him?
I think they just have issues but it’s almost like they resent you for making them “FEEL EMOTIONS” they resent that they feel attached to us… so they try to distract themselves by doing all this other busywork bs… I say let him do what he wants and ignore him and fill your days and time with things you like to do.. friends, family, self care, fun and watch him act like you “don’t care”. Then you tell him… you’ve made it clear you don’t care to spend time with me or prioritize me so I took your hint and just decided to leave you be, I am not going to sit around anymore waiting for you to notice me. If he tries to make you change your plans … which he will say.. well I already have something planned this weekend we can hang out next weekend…
Still confused I have been with this girl for 8 months the first 7 were great there were some strange things like lots of space or alone time but she seemed to make time( 2 dates a week)then she shifted hard definately bread crumbs still texts but at night she shuts down always has and she is just by herself not sure what to do. She is a great person but I have to somehow get through to her even if it is a little at a time. HOW need help
What is she doing that is giving you the breadcrumb vibe?
@SunshineAndSnowflakes she says good morning by text maybe we can do something tomorrow however she says she is tired maybe tomorrow or we can do that in the future and all she is doing is sitting in her apartment
@@MrScaryt hmm. Is she depressed? Honestly this sounds like something I would do if I have some inner stuff happening. I would never mean it to come off as breadcrumbs. 💔
Do no talk about how it is making you feel.
Words won't do anything but put her in her head. You want her out of her head, that's the space where fear lives.
Get her some nice flowers, get her a little gift of some kind. Drop it off to her place with a note saying you are looking forward to spending a little time together again at some point and sorry for having been so busy, you just wanted to give her a little something as you were in the area.
That's it. No big delcarations.
It's you contributing something, making an effort without asking for reciprocity, which you won't get.
However her response will tell you a lot...
Whether she is depressed or DA self-soothing, seeing someone else, overwhlemed from work, school, life, whatever it is you can make up a million different stories. What you cannot do is think your way into a new dynamic. It ALWAYS takes some kind of real world catalyst.
♥️
Before leaving a comment about how a DA has hurt you, stop and reflect on your victim mindset and whether you would like to work on yourself to become secure.
Before leaving a comment like this, stop and reflect. Is it really necessary?
@@Between_thelines_____270it sure is necessary, true and kind.
@@tiname1805 sounds like an apologist for all those narcissist style avoidants ......
Same thing could be said to avoidants. To all insecure attachment style basically. We all must take responsibility for our attachments, but that doesn't imply letting other people emotionally abuse, neglect or mistreat us either.
@@tiname1805 how is it kind?
Great information. But some constructive criticism: You talk way too fast.
Take your time. The information you’re giving deserves the time to give it in a way/speed that is more digestible.
You can always slow down the speed in the settings.
I am already binge watching - discovered the incredible Thais an hour ago - but this is the first thing I thought - and commented upon.
Yes, we can always adjust speed, but for each person who does that, 10 might skip the channel altogether.
And such wisom is sorely needed.
I sped it up 1.25x ...
I disagree with you this time Thais. This is not the real reason
What's the reason you think it is?
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
In some cases it’s because they are scared. They don’t want the relationship to get serious and don’t want to get so attached because, they think, what if didn’t work? What if my partner fell out of love and decided to break up and leave me? And because they experienced this kind of pain in the past; they try not to fall in love and make little to no effort to build a real meaningful relationship, in order for them not to be disappointed when it fails. It’s a protection mechanism.
@@rose-of-theoasisnot in my case. I am just clueless and don't know how to people
@@Littleowl85352 You mean you don’t think he is scared of getting closer & getting hurt?!
@@rose-of-theoasisI'm the dismissive avoidant and I simply can't relate to the need for all this emotionality in a relationship, it is simply not a flavour I have ever known how to enjoy, but I am making an effort to learn how to tolerate it so people won't feel so abandoned by me and so I can develop my softer side. But I don't really feel afraid of being abandoned, it's more a fear of being suffocated and lost in an unfamiliar landscape.
We must also learn that every thought we have doesn’t always stem from us. It could be what we heard in line at store, on tv or wherev.
We don’t belong to our thoughts. We aren’t bound to them or ruled by them.
We can change, ignore, and dismiss any negativity that tries to sneak it’s way in. 🫶🕊️