THIS Is Why the Avoidant Breadcrumbs & What You Can Do Immediately to Stop It
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- Опубліковано 7 тра 2024
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In today's video, Thais Gibson explains why the avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidant attachment style) breadcrumbs and what you can do to stop it. Watch now to find out why as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Heal From a Break Up & Transform Grief", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:01 - What is the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style?
00:01:44 - What Is Breadcrumbing?
00:02:40 - Is breadcrumbing always intentional?
00:03:24 - Signs of Breadcrumbing
00:05:02 - Reasons Dismissive Avoidant Breadcrumbs
00:08:19 - What to Do
00:11:55 - Course: How To Heal From A Breakup
00:12:36 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our UA-cam videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #AvoidantBreadcrumbing #Breadcrumbing #WhatIsBreadcrumbing
Have you ever experienced breadcrumbing in a current or past relationship? What was your experience like? ❤
Then after the break up: my ex was contacting me after the discard asking for favors during a 4 month period of no contact. Sometimes she did it for random reasons like "oh can u contact this person for me ? or i saw u watching this on tiktok video? to which i replied casually. One day she called to get her car back from me ( long story), of course its her right and i gave it back to her. But i was frustrated of her previous breadcrumbs, so I set a boundary, i calmly told her that she was contacting me for random reasons sometimes and i didn't know what she wanted. I told her to only contact me if she needed to talk about the relationship that she discarded and nothinge else. she got very angry and told me that her contacting me meant nothing and that I was overthinking. i told her regarldess please respect this boundary, she accepted but she was upset and claimed that I am still hurt. Her reaction was unexpected and it felt I Gave her attention more than she deserves. does this count as breaking no contact after 4 month of silence? As a result it now feels like i lost her forever, cz now she's also doing no contact. What if I was setting a boundary but broke no contact by accident? maybe i showed that i still care ? have i made a mistake ?😂
my ex was contacting me after the discard asking for favors during a 4 month period of no contact. Sometimes she did it for random reasons like "oh can u contact this person for me ? or i saw u watching this on tiktok video? to which i replied casually. One day she called to get her car back from me ( long story), of course its her right and i gave it back to her. But i was frustrated of her previous breadcrumbs, so I set a boundary, i calmly told her that she was contacting me for random reasons sometimes and i didn't know what she wanted. I told her to only contact me if she needed to talk about the relationship that she discarded and nothinge else. she got very angry and told me that her contacting me meant nothing and that I was overthinking. i told her regarldess please respect this boundary, she accepted but she was upset and claimed that I am still hurt. Her reaction was unexpected and it felt I Gave her attention more than she deserves. does this count as breaking no contact after 4 month of silence? As a result it now feels like i lost her forever, cz now she's also doing no contact. What if I was setting a boundary but broke no contact by accident? maybe i showed that i still care ? have i made a mistake ?
Long story short, She discarded me. We had a strong connection and I loved her deeply. After the breakup, she started asking how I was doing? it seems she wamted to make sure I was doing well. after the total abondonment of our bond, I replied casually and then she went cold again. I was in a 4 month no contact, during that period she kept contacting me again, this time its for favors, "oh can u call this person for me. its urgent" , i didn't reply. She blocked me then unblocked me, then she contacted me bcz apparently I have been watching a tiktok video that she shared. and she started to make jokes bcz the name of my profile was funny. Then she became serious and got upset because i didn't reply to her request, "i would appreciated if u replied" I told her I was busy. Then finally she contacts me she was coming to visit my country ( yes she lives abroad ) and wanted her car back which lent during the relationship, which is of course her right. but then later on she called me and asked me if i can deliver the car to her friend. During that conversation i finally lost emotional control and I telling her that she spent the last 4 month sending riddles and i just didn't know what is her purpose? I told her once we settle our car problem, to stop contacting me unless she needed to talk about the relationship.
After the breakup, she started asking how I was doing? it seems she wanted to make sure I was doing well, I replied casually and then she went cold again, then she did it again which was okay. I was in a 4 month no contact, during that period she kept contacting me again, this time its for favors , i didn't reply to her request cz it wa rude. She blocked me then unblocked me, then she contacted me bcz apparently I have been watching a tiktok video that she shared. and she started to make jokes bcz the name of my profile was funny. Then she became serious and got upset because i didn't reply to her request, I told her I was busy. Then finally she contacts me when she was coming to visit my country ( yes she lives abroad ) and wanted her car back which she lent to me during the relationship, which is of course her right. but then later on she called me and asked me if i can deliver the car to her friend. During that conversation i finally lost emotional control and find myself telling her that she spent the last 4 month sending riddles and i just didn't know what was her purpose? I told her once we settle our car problem to stop contacting me unless she needed to talk about the relationship. She got really angry, and took the car and left and never contacted me again
After the breakup, she started asking how I was doing? it seems she wanted to make sure I was doing well, I replied casually and then she went cold again, then she did it again which was okay. It was during 4 months of no contact, the she started to ask favors to which i didn't reply to her. She blocked me then unblocked me after a week, she contacted me again telling me that I have been watching a tiktok video that she shared. She started to make jokes and banter a bit. Then she became serious and got upset because i didn't reply to her request, I told her I was busy. Then finally she contacts to take her car back which was reasonable. but then later on she called me and asked me if i can deliver the car to her friend. During that conversation i finally lost emotional control and find myself telling her that she spent the last 4 month sending riddles and i just didn't know what was her purpose? I told her to stop stop contacting me unless she needed to talk about the relationship. She got really angry, and took the car and left and never contacted me again. I was trying to set a boundary, I know this may count as breaking no contact.
Avoid dating an avoidant. Learn how to be secure yourself. Then find another secure person. Understand how to stop bread coming yourself!
Currently in the aftermath of an avoidant/anxious relationship. Going into the relationship I was secure bc of all the work I have done on myself. I enjoyed going slow and seeing where this would go - he claimed he was super busy and didn't have much time outside of work but we talked every day. After 7 months it came out he hadn't told me about a pregnant woman and baby (at this point the baby was 2 weeks old), from a one night stand that happened before we met. Cue anxious attachment. We tried to work it out but his avoidance made it impossible for repair. So I'm left picking up the pieces. They will ruin you and leave you in their wake of destruction. Run.
Dating an avoidant has been the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through. Word of advice… just don’t.
Yes it is😢
I gave two decades to an extremely avoidant person. I got better with my anxious attachment and I learned my lesson. Bread crumbing is manipulation and disingenuous. I can have sympathy and compassion for the avoidant, but I want nothing to do with them and have zero desire to connect to them at all anymore. If someone has a partner with no desire to work on themselves, then I would advise anyone else to do the same. You will be neglected by an avoidant who can't work on themselves.
Here s the secret with avoidants. DAs need to have many of their boundaries brought down and broken while FA need to have boundaries built and lifted up.
A dismissive avoidant has excessive boundaries. We, like other insecure attachment types, need to learn how to have more appropriate boundaries. A steel fortress is not an amazing boundary. But remember, to us it's like the world is full of Mongolian horsemen charging at the steel fortress. Yet we need to do work to unwind all that fear trauma and tension so we can have more appropriate boundaries.
@@Littleowl85352 how do you respond then to social dynamics like friendly encounters, work colleagues, parties, and crowded places?
@@dandanut5409 it's really quite difficult to be honest, unless it's work because in my profession there are strict formal rules on how we interact with each other. I just keep to those rules. I have good friends, not a lot of them, but they don't try and get me to "open up" or anything like that. As far as crowded places, I practice breathing techniques to stay calm and not panic. Parties? I will be at the gym.
@@Littleowl85352 how do you function in a friendship dynamics? Doesn't a friendship relationship require opening up? How often do you have get togethers with friends and do you trust them?
@@dandanut5409 probably once a month in person, I would text or communicate on social media daily... And yes I would trust them entirely! I don't know, it is just happy, maybe we share a few small personal things but it is not huge and often
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship.
There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak
To all: This is supposed to be a safe space for everyone to share their comments. This thread seems to have some that are annoyed by the differences of perspective & opinion. I just want to restate that I’m not trying to judge, offend, or criticize anyone. But yes, I am hurting, just like a lot of others are, and I am working on my healing. So I apologize if I said anything “wrong” in your eyes. Lets just all be grateful we found Thais & the PDS. Best wishes to all.
I fear heights. Therefore I AVOID heights. If you fear vulnerabilities in relationships, AVOID relationships.
Imagine if you had a biological imperative programmed into your amygdala that led you to seek out cliffs... but you also had that phobia. That should leave you with an idea of what causes the trouble.
Avoidants can make good partners as long as they are paired with someone who understands and loves them for who they. It's no different with anxious attachments. They need to be with someone who wants and accepts them as is. There's someone for everyone.
@@LeeChrissy It possibly works IF the avoidants understands he/she has this issue and does the "work". Otherwise you are S.O.L.
@@Livvy925 isn't it pretty normal to surrender a relationship that fails due to the lack of compatibility
@@Littleowl85352 I don't think a lack of vulnerability is about a lack of compatibility. This person LACKS a key ingredient of a RELATIONSHIP. I feel the same way about folks making babies that don't possess empathy. Sex is not for them.
Set the deadline and he didn’t “show up.” I got my answer
Did the same but it was about something very important for both of us regardless of is anything continued between us. Many spiritual messages that I received about her that had to be checked with her. I'm sorry I had to block her. But keeping to words is also a lesson she needs to learn and I couldn't break my word. She appeared a bit interested to follow up with it but wasn't direct about it, idk perhaps triggered? I kept trying to reasure her before the term, but ended up with her not complying. I asked her about this 1 or 2 weeks before but she kept avoiding it.
Move on. Not worth it
Here's what you do to stop it, you leave. Stop giving these selfish/inconsiderate people a pass and have some self-respect to not be in relationships with toddlers in adult bodies.
It comes from a place of trauma! Do you not think we should show more compassion & and understanding? Should we not just accept the breadcrumbs. Afterall, better to have crumbs than nothing at all, right?
@@HippieZippy Compassion and understanding doesn't mean enabling or that I need to lower my boundaries or lower my standards. Why should I risk getting traumatized after being breadcrumbed, stonewalled, and discarded just because the other person hasn't done the work to heal? You don't think the recepients of this crappy treatments don't have their own traumas to deal with? DAs are the most self-centered people and everything is about them.
Agree with buellerferris 100%!!! I don’t hate my FA ex nor do I think she’s a bad person, but yes, the FA behavior that I remember from when we were together still aggravates me at times. And I can’t help but think what a cowardly way FA’s tend to act. No disrespect to anyone who is FA but at this place that the world is at, especially if they are well into their adult years, I don’t understand how they don’t wake up & try to grow up.
@@user-mi2uo9xj5t I am of the opinion that growing up also means learning how to let go of bitterness and resentment
@@buellerferris It's the way you talk about it. You can simply say "stop enabling dysfunction in your life" and leave it at that, but the moment you say "they're toddlers in adult bodies" and that they're just selfish and inconsiderate not only you're spreading misinformation and being reductive but you're actively feeding the prejudice most people have about this topic. It's really interesting: the people that know the most about trauma responses (bc they read a lot about them or watch this types of videos) are the one's saying the craziest most offensive things about them, more than people who don't know about the topic.
Seven months of keeping in touch but never meeting (long distance) He disappears for a week at a time. Just leaves a msg or text unanswered then pops back up like nothing happened. We are both over 55. Very frustrating connection.
Im in the same boat 52 yr old but she lives 20mins away. Smh.
What you permit you promote. He’s comfortable having you as a pen pal, you meet his limited emotional needs. This won’t be a relationship
Thank you I did this exactly took a huge step back because of lack of reciprocity ✅
Personal tip -> go off for 2 weeks and please don’t tell them about it
Distance = „what do I feel?“
You have a very clear way of explaining these dynamics without putting blame or shame on either side of it. Thumbs up!
Hello, Thais. Thank you for the introduction to this topic. The advice to pull way back is calming for me. To build a cost/benefit analysis of staying sounds beneficial. Take care, all.
Thank you so much for this amazing video!! Just what I needed today when I've been questioning Bread crumbing. So good to see where I affect myself in this by being addicted to the bread crumb fix I get
I'm so grateful for your videos. You've been really educating me on my past relationship and helping me heal my broken heart to move on. You're amazing, thank you for what you do 💓
I love it how you value the core wounds in every attachment style and devote yourself to healing. at the moment I'm recovering from a breadcrumbing relationship with a DA; apart from protecting myself by setting a deadline I didn't have the tools to navigate through the process in a healthy way. thank you very much for your work, a labour of love ❤, next time I will be more equiped; or even better; ready for a relationship with a securely attached man 🥰
Thank you for your explanation well done🙏
Not sure how a deadline of a week or even a few weeks can work.
If they're healthy and self aware enough that they're capable of change that quick, they probably wouldn't be breadcrumbing in the first place.
Seems to me it would take a DA, even one ready and willing to change, much longer to trust enough to stop breadcrumbing.
If you feel the person is worth the try and you have the patience, figure on a whole lot longer than a few weeks. If they're not worth the try or you are unwilling to invest in a real try, skip the deadline and just move along.
I think it's more of a deadline for yourself - kinda a test to make sure you're not leaving a "fixable" person 😂😂😂
I said fixable 😂
My ex fiance wouldn't answer messages for days. Always on his phone 😢sometimes it was worse if he'd read it and not replied. Im securely attached. But suffered severe anxiety. As i thought id said something wrong in the message 😢
I think I'm being breadcrumbed. The FA I'm trying to date is always responsive and has occasionally been vulnerable to me, but she's canceled on our plans a few times in a row. We've only ever hung out in groups, and she's always so enthusiastic whenever we make solo plans (which is why I've kept trying), but it seems like the reality of actually going out scares her. She's not inconsiderate, but she's unreliable: She lets me know as early as possible and never cancels last minute, but I'm tired of getting my hopes up. I'm still interested, but sick of the constant chase. I'm open to something happening organically, but not expecting anything now.
Thais, these videos are absolutely invaluable. The guy I’ve been seeing is a dead ringer for DA behaviour. His feelings tend to overflow just a tiny bit every now and again. I’ve been privileged to hear bits and pieces about his childhood, and it’s quite sad and definitely neglectful. Wish me luck on trying to help him move toward healthy emotional behaviour and therapy.
I am trying to find the link you were talking about in this video . The link about making a list and how to.
I did in the start of the relationship. I called him and said "can we work on communication? " as my anxiety was getting worse. He said it was my problem to deal with. I ended up apologising for calling him 😢
.....I feel for you.
@@Man-qq7jg thank you. That means a lot. Wish I'd known about attachment styles and breadcrumbing 18 months ago 😪 would have saved my sanity
Been through that!
@@lil-5154 really. What was your experience like? I know it's horrible, but I'm glad other people can truly understand and sympathise
It’s good to communicate needs I did that when he came back the 2/3 time for me basically even if they don’t do it. I’m classy and I wanna state my needs.
Can you discuss limerence? I'm AP and highly prone to limerence and not able to get out
There's a video on this posted a few days back
What's AP?
Great vid, question - How does sex in avoidants play into their attachments and relationships? Obviously, that is part of a relationship, can start at the dating stage, and into the long term. But when it is a crutch or self soothing or other dynamics. A video on this would be great.
Doesn’t at all they’re robots without feels
Sex = good, sex = ego
U don’t factor in
@@Seraphina93 That is an over simplifcation and sounds very bitter. It does factor in, we all have feelings and sex does connect us on a physical as well as mental, emotional level.
I have had 2 DA ex’s that became sexless in the relationship 2 years in
Turning to porn or an affair
@@1999Chelseawhat were their reasons for it?
Thais I have a question. One time I asked the guy in dating if he knew about attachment styles and what his was and he said he was secure. After a few months of dating I’ve come to realize he’s actually a DA. How could I approach the topic of maybe having him watch your videos describing a DA so he can see for himself? Or maybe just a way to bring up the topic so that he can become aware that he’s a DA so we can both be aware of what we need to work on?
My ex DA thought he was secure as well
They don’t have a lot of self knowledge and don’t really know what needs are and why they are such a big deal
in the kindest and most loving way possible: these comments...
QUESTION - Me and a female DA roommate had a falling out 1.5 years ago. She stonewalled so we never spoke about it and moved out suddenly. I was unclear if she likes me romantically or not. I contacted her recently as she had mail. She was very receptive and wanted to meet straight away. I wasn't available and she was going away so she said she'd get back to me in a month when she was back in the country. She returned 4 months ago but hasn't been in touch to get her mail. I'm thinking of just phoning her up and asking her on a date as I've liked her for a long time. I'm sure she'll be surprised and not sure what her answer would be. Is calling up a DA asking for a date point blank, too much? Should i ask in a text beforehand for a call as i have something to ask? (Or would that be anxiety inducing for a DA?) I'm not sure how to move forward with this. Many thanks for any help! 🙂
I’m not her, nor are all DAs the same, BUT I would be very confused if someone I had a falling out with almost 2 years ago keeps reaching out to me. If her mail mattered that much to her you wouldn’t have to keep reaching out about it. I would be even more confused if you asked me on a date randomly like that. Idk…she might be different
She isn’t into you and isn’t thinking about you in that way. You have been thinking of her all the time. Doesn’t matter whether she is DA or not. Just not into you.
I wouldn't call at all. If she hasn't reached out she's not into you.
Just ask her very directly but don't come on here weeping moaning calling her a narcissist if she dares say no. I'm a DA and deeply appreciate people getting straight to the point and being open and honest. If she's hesitant she likely knows you've got some sort of grenade waiting for her so best be open about what that grenade is. She will know you like her because women always do.
I appreciate you sharing vulnerably! It might be best to reach out by text to remind her about her mail you want to get back to her, then see how it goes from there ❤
I just found your videos after my DA ex broke up with me. My question is that she wants us to remain friends, but doesn't want us to hang out one on one. She says that we can revisit the idea of us hanging out one on one in a few months. Any insight on why or what this means?
She wants to make sure you disengage from her emotionally and that you are not going to try and get back together with her before she can trust you in a one on one setting. She likes you as a friend but doesn't think it's appropriate to extend that friendship to romance.
Are you sure she’s a DA and just not interested?
@@melissa3986 she is. She told me early on in our relationship that she was and is aware of her attachment style. That's why I've been trying to understand DAs. Some of her behavior in our breakup also aligns perfectly with a DA.
@Littleowl85352 Thank you for the insight that is close to what I had predicted. I guess now I have to make a tough decision.
@@danparry3730 I would say the more mature thing and appropriate thing for her to do is to not have contact with an ex, I know that may lead to some hand wringing among some people but best to make a clean break.
Wow a lot of Avoident bashing in this thread
How can I get a DA who is bread crumbing me about meeting to actually meet? I think he has fears or is nervous but I can’t talk on the phone endlessly without meeting…. He will bring it up but not follow through
Idk... I managed to meet someone after 5-6 years chatting and then they became avoidant IRL instead. It's a waste of time to try.
My answer to that is to give long distance relationships a hard pass, meet someone in person.
@@Littleowl85352 we live 1 hour away and I can easily drive to him or vice verse yet he’s made no REAL plans to meet
I ghost them no explanation and I think they understand
Yet, they expect the other party to be vulnerable with them. How does this work????
I think we would rather you weren't vulnerable 😂
@@Littleowl85352 yes, I don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone to open up to me. In fact, people do it unprovoked and then will say something to the effect of “I’m not even gonna go there” when referring to the more nitty gritty stuff. 99.9% of the time I say it’s fine, only say what you feel like saying and they’ll do it anyway lol. I never pry because generally the stuff they might want to be vulnerable about isn’t relevant to my life. The difference in lifestyle and mindset means I don’t even think to ask people to “open up.” I don’t even know what that means under normal circumstances as I don’t have some hidden inner world just waiting to be revealed. If I’m sad I say it, if I’m happy I say.
@@sj3969 when people say "being vulnerable" I have this mental picture of this awful woman with sage and twigs in her long curly hair crystals up her nostrils snivelling and moaning because she's been waiting ten minutes for a text
If you are a open book and they get to be a closed book then they can fill in the cracks...with tech support of course. Invasion of privacy is necessary to get in real good to be the best person ever, make you a pet, or just to steal.
Leave
Watch these videos,
Become so good at this u use them right back when they use u
???
Profit
I remember a former friend who was constantly going through upheavals with her married love interest and always messaging me for advice. I got slower in responding because I was overwhelmed by her while I worked out how to sever the friendship. She's still mad at me. But I've also got friends I may not respond to immediately because I don't have the bandwidth for a discussion at the time. Surely this is all very normal and acceptable and none of it is breadcrumbing but I could see how people would jump to that conclusion. The point I'm making, check yourself and don't jump to conclusions. Us dismissive avoidants do NOT breadcrumb as we are not motivated to be manipulative, we're not trying to draw you in deeper we're trying to keep you at a comfortable distance. I would say anxious attachment styles would breadcrumb more as they'd do anything to enmesh some poor sap.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience! ❤
The issue here is that at no point did you mention you directly communicated your need for less contact. Yoh took a passive aggressive approach in hopes that she got the hint and when she didn’t you responded by going nuclear when you couldn’t take it anymore and severed the entire relationship. There are healthier ways but basically you lashed out at her bc you didn’t have proper communication around your own boundaries.
@@saskiao492 I did actually tell her that I needed to take breaks. You weren't actually there. Then I was the one to inform her (once I had decided) that we were not going to be communicating further with each other. Yes some responses were slower than usual but that wasn't me hinting, that was exactly what I said it was. Pure overwhelm not having any idea wtf to say.
Yup! That sounds like breadcrumbing to me and as Thais mentioned, for DAs it’s not always intentional, but to the person on the receiving end it feels the exactly the same
@@julesD0222 honestly tho you guys need to realise it's not intentional just as much as we need to learn how to manage our anxiety so we respond in time... but I defend my right to disengage (with open communication) from relationships that are making me uncomfortable. Just because something feels like something, doesn't make it something. I could feel like this indigestion is a heart attack, but it isn't a heart attack and it doesn't require the same treatment. We are not trying to draw you into the magical woods or gingerbread cottage, no matter how much you "feel" it is so. That's your past stuff blinding your eyes.
Most of em bread crumb because THEYRE BORING , AND " THE WHOLE LOAF " aint shit😂😂😂
If they gave it all, you'd be interested for a week MAX.. They HAVE TO BREAD-CRUMB YOU ,in order to seem interesting and mysterious 😊
Or… just don’t date avoidants!!!
Lots of times they don’t look like Avoidents or don’t show up as avoidents until you are about 6 months in
So easier said than done
I'm very sorry, I love your contents in the video, but I just cannot stand the way you talk with the scratchy, hoarse and strained voice while speaking... It seems like you aren't interested in talking at all... I maybe old fashioned to think people must speak clearly and be happy about it...
What the hell are you even talking about? What kind of weirdo posts a comment like this? Her voice is fine…please seek help.
@@pizzelle2 I know. It's so rude.
I love your voice and your videos. We all sound different and have no judgement.
I am only here for your amazing content and appreciate your help.