@@borgroves2076 put yourself out there to meet other people. Your brain will eventually figure out it's easier to interact with healthy and secure attached people than chase an avoidant.
These ppl are way too much work 4 months after the break up im good i need to unsub from all these channels and get a regular partner. 99% sure she wouldn't do half the research im doing to understand me.
True. It’s a reality. I needed to accept it with the same thing she asked me: “Time and Space”. I took that time to work on my self and allocated space for new stuff to come. May she float like an astronaut and when she decides to come back to Earth I will already moved on without the hurt no more.
Avoidants are a complete waste of time, energy and love. Just run the other direction. No amount of watching videos like this will change them. The avoidant has to do the work to fix themselves!
@@dig-in8bo agree anxiously attached should spend less time watching these videos and more time investigating why they are chasing them in the first place aka fix themselves.
@@roxy7255 Funny. I'm secure attached. If you're actually trying to address me. Scored 88% SA on Thais' quiz. Both anxious and avoidants need to do the work. I find FA and DA to be worse out of the lot and based on numerous comments I've seen online. DA seems to be the most painful to deal with. Most of the biggest complaints are against avoidants. Get out of the dating pool and fix yourselves!
@@roxy7255 Funny, I'm 88% secure attached if you're trying to address me. Both avoidants and anxious folks should do the necessary work. However, the worst behaviors are from avoidant folks and there are numerous comments all over attachment posts about DA and FA showing up in the worst ways. Especially DAs. Avoidants should stay out of the dating pool until they've done some basic inner work and not subject the world to their mercurial and whimsical flights of fancy.
Funny Roxy. I'm 88% secure attached according to Thais' quiz. if you're trying to address me. Both avoidants and anxious folks should do the necessary work. However, the worst behaviors are from avoidant folks and there are numerous comments all over attachment posts about DA and FA showing up in the worst ways. Especially DAs. Avoidants should stay out of the dating pool until they've done some basic inner work and not subject the world to their mercurial and whimsical flights of fancy.
@@roxy7255 Funny, I'm 88% secure attached according to the quiz. If you're trying to address me. Both avoidants and anxious folks should do the necessary work. However, the worst behaviors are from avoidant folks and there are numerous comments all over attachment posts about DA and FA showing up in the worst ways. Especially DAs. Avoidants should stay out of the dating pool until they've done some basic inner work and not subject the world to their mercurial and whimsical flights of fancy.
People with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles can feel almost alien-detached in a way that doesn’t seem normal. Being in an anxious-avoidant cycle is exhausting. You give 100%, but it feels one-sided, and the effort you put in isn’t reciprocated. To make them happy, you often find yourself just listening, without fully expressing your own emotions because you fear they won’t respond in kind. And when they don’t, it hurts. This is why I’ve stopped saying “I love you” or “I miss you” as openly. I’m not even sure if she feels the same way. I’m unsatisfied, yet it’s so hard to let go because I love her deeply. I know love is about giving freely without expecting anything in return, but there’s a point when you start to feel drained, constantly hoping for validation and openness that never comes. So, I’m slowly learning to detach myself, focusing on just listening and managing my expectations.
Yeah I'm so in this with my best friend who is a woman. She can be so caring and interested sometimes. Sometimes she just talks. Others she just wants to be left alone for weeks.
Please don’t confuse this with trying harder in bed or giving them the best sex experience ever thinking it will bond you enough to make them want to change for you because it won’t. You’ll be signing up for heartache. Will they crave you more? Maybe. Will they be motivated to bond romantically? Not necessarily.
Avoidants are very quick to have sex with new partners because they don't view sex as intimacy. It's very detached emotionally for them, sorta like a handshake for normal people. They are good for one night stands, but not designed for long term relationships.
Massive generalization and oversimplification. I’m a DA, and recovering from rushing into sex because it bonds me too much, too soon, before I’ve fully vetted the other person. I have pedestalized and gone all-in, while aware of old habits of being independent to a fault, not good at receiving. I am working hard to do all I must do to align with the marriage/lifelong partnership I’ve always craved, but struggled to believe was possible for me.
Accurate to my experience, i only realised after the discard that sex was just a dopamine hit for my FA. She loved sex and was totally possessed during the act, BUT she could not hold eye contact (intimacy) during the act.
@@coping_in_copeland_coper I was not attracted to my FA ex at all initially but she used sex to win me over. It was the best sex I ever had. FA’s tend to have poor boundaries around sex so they almost never refuse sex. My ex stopped seeing me because she didn’t want intimacy anymore
I have found that most avoidant partners I have confused physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. In fact when I asked them to describe emotional intimacy they describe it in physical terms. Before our relationships many of them would have a lot of sexual encounters and hookups. In some cases the frequency of which gave me pause. They were trying to fill the empty cup with these encounters. They were always satisfying for a short period but then they would need more to feel good about themselves. And a lot of these cases, even in the relationship, physical intimacy was almost treated like a job. And it's because their inability to be vulnerable meant that the other dimension of intimacy was never really achieved. While I was experiencing true intimacy and in many cases actual joy and love they seemed to be going through the motions almost confused by my reaction versus their muted response. And there was certainly satisfaction but always something missing for them. And I think over time they became frustrated with the differences in how I responded versus their incomplete enjoyment.
Interesting that you observed that they might have found your enjoyment hurtful or triggering, as it might have made them feel inadequate or realize on some subconscious level that they were missing out on something. As a DA I actually know that hurt aswell. You sound like a gentle and understanding soul.
agree with you and saw this behavior with my FA ex and she had all of me available to her whenever and however she needed. But still she cheated behind my back until I caught her and dumped her.
@@katharinaheckmann4962 Unfortunately over time the feelings would turn into resentment. And so sexual encounters would become less and less frequent because it was a reminder to them that there was this huge gulf between the two of us. And so now without this dopamine hit it would only increase further emotional estrangement.
@@remydrh I find you have understood his side astonishingly well. People usually misunderstand this. I’m sorry to hear this, this for sure can’t be easy! I can only tell you from my own experience that the feeling of inadequacy is huge. You feel so stupid but isolated and in many ways cheated out of life. It’s like life seems to pass you by and everyone else gets to participate. It’s embarrassing and humiliating to be seen as this lacking, especially by close ones who are supposed to look up to us in respect, and even though you are well meaning, that gaze of sympathy/judgement is why he has gone into hiding. I know it is not your fault, I believe passing on a DA attachment style to a child is a crime in and of it’s self.
What about what happens when those walls come down and they start to really trust and love you, and that scares them so much that they deactivate and sabotage the relationship…again (for the third time)?
I relate so completely to all the DA descriptions and challenges EXCEPT this bit about sabotaging relationships from fear. I understand bailing from feeling criticized, from feeling controlled, from feeling misunderstood, from too much conflict - but not just from the relationship going well. It's a weird disconnect for me when everything else matches so well. Is it possible just being hyper-rational, introverted, quietly sensitive, and utterly conflict-avoidant adds up to something that tests like DA but doesn't quite have the same attachment issues?
@@MilesIncognitosomething here to ask yourself is maybe you aren't in good relationships and that is why you experience issues with conflict. Or it may be that there's a distorted view of the relationship. I have dated avoidants and fearful avoidants and it's clear that their view of the relationship is distorted. If you look at other videos under their personal development school you will see Thais talk about the stories we tell ourselves and how these aren't really based on reality. We may convince ourselves that certain things are happening in the relationship or that there are certain meanings behind what our partner is doing but they aren't based on reality. Or, like I said above, you find yourself in bad relationships and it isn't that you were leaving because it's a good relationship It's that you were legitimately in a bad relationship. But then you may be in a situation like me where you need to ask why you keep choosing bad partners... And that could absolutely be related to being avoidant.
Typically, women will release oxytocin during sex but with men, they don't always release it. This is why women often get more attached from sex compared to men. Men releasing oxytocin from sex is more likely to happen when they love or really care about the person.
I appreciate this knowledge. It’s been a lot of work to bridge with an avoidant male I really care about but recently I “messed up” due to my needs so he shut the door. The problem is that this male doesn’t know he is avoidant and I got blamed for needing a bit more attention causing him to stress out, go silent and then he shut the door. So the complexity of this topic helps me to move on and not be his therapist or so understanding that I become a doormat. Thank you. This video helped me not bash myself and move on.
@@danika9448 yea it is. Luckily it became unraveled after 5 weeks and we are long distance. Phew. But I’ve known him along time as an in and out friend for 9 years. Years before that we met in high school. It’s interesting how you can’t always tell with a friend as they have good cover stories why things don’t work out between them and various mates. The stonewalling was the worst part.
I'm sorry. I have a female best friend who is like this. Sometimes she pulls back on her own and sometimes I'm to needy and se pulls back. It sucks for me either way.
We talked about it a good bit and were really looking forward to having it. We went away to a hotel to be together for the first time, but when we got there she couldn’t go through with it. She apologized, but I was nothing but reassuring and told her not to apologize at all. I just told her I loved her and that we would get there. She discarded me two days later.
I cant imagine a female DA. I feel like they would be so much more harsh than a man, because a male DA is a lot to deal with bcause of the hardcore avoidant ways. Imagine a girl being that cold
You know ironically you telling her you loved her caused the discard. These people cannot do emotional vulnerability. They have absolutely no capacity for it. Triggers deactivation.
@@BruceJC75 makes sense too. For mine the sex was simply a dopamine hit. She loved it to hell. She deactivated over time when she realised she really really liked me. LOL. Ironic
In my recent experience, me and an avoidant was reconnecting for about 8 weeks. We returned from our first trip together and they finally released during intimacy. Quickly after they grew distant and because this was our 2nd time reconnecting, I allowed space to naturally occur. I reached out a week later to ask “if they were ok” since they did not follow up with the call they said they’d do and received a break up text a week later :) the first time this happened was similar (minus intimacy) they offered a call and I following up with it and then received the break up text. I'm sharing relatable experiences to illustrate how attachment theories can be applied. The depth of these discussions has helped identify triggers more effectively as being someone whose core is avoidant leaning secure. Really appreciate your channel!!
I wasn't ready for the most impactful relationship of my life. This explains so much. Those walls. I basically did everything you said I shouldn't do! 2 years, and its still in me. whew.
I’m an Avoidant. I was in a relationship for 16 months. I was very guarded for about a year of the relationship. I went through the mental, physical and then the emotional connection. Four months after I became vulnerable he started to pull away. I sensed this and retreated. We parted ways and this reinforced my avoidant attachment style. I completely shut down. It will now be very difficult for me to ever fully ever become vulnerable again. Zero trust.
Your retreat reinforces the negative impressions you create on your partner. I makes you seem unreliable, unreasonable, and unfaithful. Your pattern of retreat only confirms other people's perception that "you are not willing to put in the work" in the relationship. I am married to an avoidant. Everyone advises me to let go because it is unreasonably taxing to be the only one trying to keep, maintain, repair, or grow the relationship. If you are not willing to trust, be open, and be vulnerable, even when it hurts then it is hard to have a relationship because you are always scared to be in the relationship because you are afraid of being hurt. If you want to grow. Stop being afraid of being hurt and get in there and understand why you are getting hurt and how and why you hurt your partner. To be able to become securely attached and become healed emotionally and relationally you need to bring to your conscious awareness the the subconscious fears from childhood that have directed and controlled your behavior patterns. It is possible to "rewire" or reprogram your heart and mind. The best and fastest way is to get help with someone trained in attachment theory to help you navigate this journey. You can do it yourself but it takes a lot of discipline, introspection, and diligence. You can do it. I believe in you! ❤️
@@consistentbass Thank you, for this very detailed, thoughtful response to my comment. After a year I did become vulnerable. I opened my heart and he started to pull away. So yes, I’m aware that you are risking being hurt but, that’s the only way to be in a true, loving relationship. I’ve been in counseling for a while and I’m working through this. Until I’ve healed I’ve decided to remain single. It’s been six months since the breakup but, I’m enjoying my own company and doing things I’ve never done before. My career is busy so I do have a fulfilled life. I’m not lonely but, just living for myself for now. Thank you, again for your comment. You are absolutely 💯correct in what you’ve said. I’ll get there someday but, for today I’m doing my best to heal and be happy in my own skin. Many blessings to you🤍
I am so sorry this happened to you. My best friend is like you. She's so broken from this happening to her in multiple relationships she wont get close to another guy emotionally and physically. She's very emotionally close with me and has even said she likes me a lot, afraid to date me because she's doesn't want to hurt me and is afraid she will sabotage the relationship if we do. I'm just there for her and support her how I can.
@@johnlicht6532 You sound like a great person. I wish I had a friend like that. I have lost my confidence in being able to choose healthy partners. The man I was with for 16 months was a good person but, because I’ve been hurt and abused so much I wasn’t able to trust him and I sabotaged the relationship. Being alone feels safe to me. I attract plenty of men but, not good men.
My DA ex was the very sexual type. We were in a LDR and when we first met up in person, 3 months after we started dating. As soon as he picked me up from the airport we wet to his place to do the deed. I was a bit jet lagged, tired from the trip, hungry, but yeah sex was first. We haven't even had our first proper date. LOL He did also open up that for a long time after his last long relationship ended, he would swing with couples just to feel something. But when we dated, the month I stayed with him, he literally broke my back. LOL not that I'm complaining. But yeah, got close, comfortable, vulnerable then he locked up, stone wall, and ghosted. Then bam, he sent me a breakup text after a month of ghosting telling not to contact him, days before we move in together. Now I'm here, 6 months into self-work and healing.
Avoidants get most vulnerable after sex. They will either melt and pour their hearts out, feel at peace and comfort, or explode from their emotions and bolt off.
Thank you Thais. You are such a gift to the community. I would be really interested in learning more about vasopressin if you can do a full webinar on this
They don't make the difference between emotional closeness and physical closeness.. i knew a guy so disconnected from his feelings that he thought I was a lesbian for having close female friends I confided in. He thought you would only want this bond with someone you sleep with and that physical closeness was all there was to a relationship. I also had to explain to that 29 year old that you can do something for someone else if that makes them happy and that not everything in life was about fulfilling ones own needs in the pursuit of pleasure. He looked at me like I was an alien
My ex DA was on the slow side. I noticed that because he would get really physically nervous around me and stiffen up if I even wanted to hold his hand. It took 3 months before we kissed, but then we soon therafter also started having sex. I then saw that he had a kinky side where I felt that a session of sex with him felt like a sex binge. Not that I minded. However it was around that time I had a clue that he has sexual abuse trauma. I asked that, but he denied it, until 3 years later he admitted to what happened in his childhood. He continued to have this waves between sexual anorexia and hypersexuality until he just settled on the withdrawal from sex and it became a lot for him to engage.
Sex with my DA boyfriend was complicated by his ED. I told him it was OK, we could still pleasure each other. So we did ... for several months. Then came his barrage of reasons for having ED: my hair wasn't long enough, my hair wasn't blond, my panties weren't skimpy g-strings, my lingerie wasn't sexy enough, I didn't partially expose my breasts when wearing street clothes, my feet swelled on hot days, and a litany of illnesses he dreamed up that I don't have. Finally he got down to deciding unilaterally that I was his "friend with benefits," which I found extremely insulting. He played like he didn't know why I'd be offended -- that's how emotionally divorced he was from sex. Notice that I'm writing in the past tense. That's because he is past tense. It has been three weeks now, and I am so happy without him.
My DA did the same thing to me, blamed me for our horrible sex life, said he wasn’t attracted to me, this is the same man who couldn’t keep his hands off of me in the beginning, even on our first date. He had ED and I was so patient and understanding and did my very best to not make him feel inadequate or show my frustration that my needs were not being met. The audacity for him to blame me when he was clearly having physical issues that required medication well before we even met. It still affected my confidence as I never experienced anything like that before. It’s traumatizing to be with a DA! Never again!
to much corn he watching... he would need to stop watching for like month, maybe even 2 weeks, and when you come over, I bet he would be functional again. Talk to him about that. He needs to go monk mode and fix that addiction.
A healthy emotionally available person is repelled by avoidants. If they're attracted to them, they're either anxiously attached or fearful avoidant pining for love and working hard for affection.
"When avoidants feel judged or shamed around seggs, it will cause them to shut down, in fact shut down so much they dont open back up again" And the moment I was told "all you think about is seggs" was the moment I never initiated it again after 10 years of rejection.
At least you're working on yourself and have self-awareness. That's progress. Learn to forgive yourself. I've been hurt by avoidant behavior. Speaking as a SA person.
The title of this video made me want to comment: The ONLY way an avoidant can give intimacy (fake intimacy) is sexual "intimacy." Avoidant attachment happens when a parent or a partner is a an overt narcissist, so the child or partner learns to shut down and become avoidant. They fear conflict and think their feelings will create conflict, so they never tell you what they feel and expect you to read their mind and just know what they want all the time. I've been dating avoidants for the last 10 years and it's basically like dating yourself. I feel like I was the only one in the relationship doing any work at all. I also learned that people abused by narcissists (maybe this is specific to partner abuse, I'm not sure) have shrunken brains because of the trauma, but their mid-brain is more excited/excitable so avoidants are basically always in the mood for sex. So an avoidant will have sex with you no problem, but they can't actually show up for you in any way that means anything
I'm an avoidant, and having sex with a new partner is the very last thing on my list. If my partner doesn't make me feel safe, I could live without touching them or having sex with them entirely, tbqh. I have been with a partner and didn't have sex with him for a year because it took him that long to make me feel safe. When I'm not in a relationship, I'm abstinent. Something I find easy to do because, for me, if I have no connection with someone, I can not be physically intimate or sexually intimate with them. Not all avoidants are the same. So, to assume that shows a lack of emotional maturity and intelligence. We are DA because of trauma. Normally, childhood trauma and not all traumas are the same. So we may share characteristics, but we are not identical. DA are not a monolith. When my mother, who I was very close to, passed away, it opened up my heart in a way I never knew was possible, and I have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. I have been more open with my emotions in relationships even though it scares me, and I have stayed and not shut down and ran away. So, DA can grow, change, and evolve like other people. We are not monsters. You all seem hyper critical of DA. I assume you've all been hurt by someone like me. Maybe you need to get over that hurt because it's obvious you're talking from pain, anger, and disappointment. The thing about DA is that we struggle with our own emotions, but we are very in touch with other people's. We notice changes in words, body language, and behaviours. It's like a superpower. We can feel when someone is bonding with us. It's scary because people bond very fast and this isn't true for us. We are slow burners. Not that we can not bond, we need the time and understanding to bond naturally and organically. I find myself mimicking my partners words, actions, and feelings because it just makes it easier. People want their partner to be on the same page as them rather than try to understand them. I've stop mimicking because I think faking feelings in hope of catching up with a partner is more hurtful in the end than being honest about how I feel even if I'm still in like stage and they've moved to love. Why mimick? Because I really liked my partners and I wanted to be with them, and I didn't want to argue or sour the relationship. I knew me not saying I love you too would hurt them, and I didn't want to hurt them. I put their emotional needs first, neglecting mine. Then, the feelings of suffocating start. Next thing you know, a partner is proposing and wanting to start a family. I'm still in like and they're so far ahead of me that I realise I won't ever catch up. You panic, shut down. How are you going to say I don't love you, not yet. I may, though, please give me time. It's very lonely being a DA because DA are very charismatic, and being so has huge expectations. You always end up letting people down. 😢 A relationship is about two people trying to please one another. If you decide that the other person's needs do not align with yours and will ultimately negatively affect you, leave. Avoidant can present as being cold and harsh, but for us, it's simple. We do not get trapped by emotions. This doesn't mean we didn't like someone, love them, or crave them. It doesn't mean we don't miss them, hurt or feel lost. If an DA break up with you, they are doing so just for them but also for you. If we see that our actions are hurting someone we care deeply for, we think setting you free to find someone who can love you in the way you need is best. There are no bad intentions in our actions. I hope all of you hurt by a DA heal. I pray God allows you to find true, restorative, and replenishing love ❤️
Thanks for opening up. My lady is one and it's been tough. I am working on myself and I pray she also does the work so we can maintain a long relationship. Time will tell.
Im avoidant and almost 45. I didn’t know that I compartmentalize and emotionally detach until this last year. Communication is difficult. It is a process of learning to trust yourself. The driving fear is needing to keep self safe. However, both sides of the relationship need to be aware of themselves and their triggers. Avoidants get the blame but we show up in ways different than anxious. We are the doers. We may not be overly communicative or expressive, but we do show if we care. It is usually met with how we could do more, but we may not be able to do more. Avoidants and narcissists are two different animals. Don’t lump everyone together.
@nicolero1106 thanks for your view point. I would agree avoidants and narcissists are two different types of individuals, sometimes intertwined but very rarely. Can you explain the part where you say you as avoidants are the doers? Just to understand what context you're referring to because from what I have read and experienced it's what you choose to do(provide and give at a surface level)/not do (mostly the deep work is where issues start) due to fear that drives people crazy and causes them to make comments like that. Obviously not every avoidant is the same so you're right they can't all be lumped together. Ultimately kudos goes to those putting in the work to understand themselves and change for the better. It's definitely a hard ask for an avoidant to do and it is sad in many ways because there is help but only if one reaches out. It can't be solved alone.
Couples therapy would do nicely. While you may "feel" like you'll never catch up, that's just your assumption. Then you make yourself feel guilty for holding them back from finding the right partner while simultaneously confirming your core beliefs that you're too much or not good enough. I know that my ex is an avoidant and is trying to set me free lol. There is no accountability on her end. Throwing out a relationship because of self doubt and fear instead of seeking help. Instead of figuring it out together, she would rather retreat. I know deactivation is just a coping mechanism. There was zero communication, like you said, "You didn't want to cause conflict or sour the relationship." It's not that avoidants don't, they don't have the emotional intelligence to discern their feelings and articulate them to their partner. Communicating needs and boundaries is a HUGE first step. If that can't be done, then the relationship is doomed. My favorite part was being told that I was too needy for trying to communicate. The slow fade, less intimacy, less touching, more workload taken, hobbies, and acting until the discard. You prayed that God would allow you to find true, restorative, and replenishing love but God IS love. Find God and you will find that love. Become love so that you never have to find it. Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
@@fredpantis2084 Amen 🙏🏾. Thanks for your view point. It is very sad that they will do everything to sabotage the relationship just so they can play the blame game of "Oh he/she is just another one who said he will stay and never leave but he/she left". But what did they do to affect the other party leaving? Nothing at all 😇. The fact that they some know they should do the work but remain in that heavy cloak of fear is so mind-blowing. They're so scared of change that they'd rather remain in pain as if it's some magic treasure to gain. They just love the victimization that comes with it so much so that they fail to realize they are hurting themselves but holding on to that pain and trauma while claiming "Nobody cares" or "Nobody loves me". It's a sad reality that so many avoidants choose to live in.
Geez after dating a DA that was the most traumatic and damaging experience of my life. So much pain after just leaving in a split seconded. Poor DAs are absolutely doomed for life of superficial relationships that never last unless they can do some serious inner work. Otherwise will be forever alone full of temporary happiness with tons of emotional trauma
My avoidant is a sex and porn addict. No hope for them. Move on. I will never know if he ever connect to me sexually. But he sure did with thousands of other woman while being with me through the 3 year relationship.
Yes yes you are right I start to know one person I feel he is cold but when we have sexuel chating he become expressif then suddenly send me porn I was so choked because it meant to be intimate not porno I run away I am sure he have heavy addiction to porn people are damaged
My DA won't let us have ANY kind of connection. It's the one thing I want and he can't give it to me. He only cares about his sexual need and neglects my needs. I personally need a connection before I can be intimate. 26 years and on the cusp of divorce.
so sorry for your situation. oddly, I'm a DA who has a lack of sex problem in my relationship, so a similar problem but also different. My ears perked up at "need a connection before I can be intimate", because my wiring is almost the opposite - the deed & release itself creates the connection. Is it possible some couples are stuck in a chicken & egg problem of which happens first? I want the sex to be based on that raw animal instinct and mutual desire with my partner, and feelings happen after. I wonder if my wife is wired more like you, and how to navigate that.
@@MilesIncognitoimmaturity.. lack of connection is also the same as little to no empathy or underatanding for anothers feelings Within the realationship. Make up sex is cool if u had it then n there .. Shadow Work Heals All.
I agree this was a little emotional. It was so touching to see that they knew our culture and love our food just like. We love their culture and food as well.❤
Been watching your videos for the last few weeks, wanted to have a clearer understanding of which avoidant tendencies I have and why I behave certain ways when being with an intimate partner, I grew up with a narcissistic mother and emotionally unavailable father for most of my life, and being the middle child felt like I was used as a scapegoat for a lot of the issues that went on in the household, was never taught to connect with people on an emotional level, just got out of a relationship last year after being in it for just over 7 years… he was a mummy’s boy and I ignored it most of the time, and the last year was truly not happy, so when he left me in March I was more shocked than angry and over the last few months come to be at peace with him no longer around. I’m not sure if I should ever be in another relationship though as it’s too draining to even try, so spending this year truly trying to understand myself and what I’m needing to work on than getting back out there
The first time my avoidant partner told me he loved me was right after sex. And most of the times he told me that and really seemed honest was after sex. But I think he has some narcissistic traits too. I never had an orgasm with him and we've been together for almost 2 years. He never really seemed to care satisfying me and even admitted he touches himself thinking about other people. So it's all for HIS pleasure. The last time I complained about not being satisfied he said "I don't have the obligation to satisfy you in bed. You have to know your body and what you like". OK but... What is the point of having sex then if I can satisfy myself on my own?
It's okay. Don't worry about them. All of these videos are full of people who blanket their experiences onto everyone else as if being an avoidant is a personality...Many don't take accountability and blame it solely on the other person as if they were held hostage. If they don't like it and or don't want to be patient or have grace then they need to move on. I can't stand when people come here to make generalizations. You would think they come to learn and listen. Instead it's the opposite.
No matter which attachment type you sort of fit into.. and no matter what attachment type your partner is.. it’s important to keep An eye on where you are.. whether you ar losing yourself in this process.. number one rule.. if you are compromising yourself.. have an agreement that you respectfully draw a boundary even if that means exiting and never looking back.. love yourself at the end of the day and don’t abandon yourself.. you can’t help anyone unless you are a disciple of this I believe. Love.
Ngl i hate this infinite circle of being avoidant but i just cant let people to close i also have this with friendships and im glad my friends understand i sometimes disappear but im tired of my self 😭💀
What keeps you from being consistent? Other people need space too, but the avoidant wants too much space which is making me feel unsafe, like he is unreliable and i cannot ever trust him. One day he loves me, next day he disappears. He texted "sorry i disappeared again" and i do appreciate him saying sorry, but i know he's had sex with someone else. I am tired of loving him and then cursing him (in my head), i just want to love him and feel loved :(
@@zanutza07 1.i have never cheated on no-one thats your boyfriend and not all avoidant people are like that 2.the thing that keeps me from being consistent since you wanted to know is the fact that since i can remember i had to fight for my self to survive and the moment i did put trust in others it got broken over and over to the point where I'm in this cycle of liking someone but later on regretting talking to them knowing a person in a relationship is gonna want to get close with their boyfriend/partner but i cant cause ive been hurt since the start of my life and putting trust and showing my soft spot is something i cant for the sake of protecting my soul thats why i cant start relationships cause i dont wanna bother and waist someones time knowing that if they get to close i will run i hope this helps
Yes, same thing with my avoiding partner and the other thing is that he was mension his ex-girlfriend saying "i have been so in loved with her." And he was so proud of saying that. Actualy then i realise he does not know that being in love and loving someone is totally diferent things. He has no clue what relationship is.. What does mean emotional partbership is. For god sake he thinks that being in love is some virtue. That he loved her.
11:51 my experience with sexual bonding with DA, was that he would be very direct, to the point, and frankly unexperienced with deeper sexual intimacy. So as I was expecting the sexual conection to evolve, he became more dosconected. He even used netflix as a regulation after sex, and that was when I started to realize the emotional incestemnts where unbalanced. I have later found out that he is DA, but before that discovery, I was crueless as to how such a sexual chemistry and relationship could implode instead of evolve.
I view sex as intimacy, its one of the ways i feel loved. I try not to pester partners with my needs/desires. I enjoy physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts occasionally. But with sex i feel bonded, romance flows after sex stuff. Its difficult without
@justint.kennerly5780 Thanks, that's vague, but I will assume you offer professional advice. I am seeing a councilor, unraveling the struggles and providing tools for progress. Honest communication with my partner helps, too
I'm dating a DA. Sometimes she can be so hot that it almost feels unreel and most of the time, cold. Unfortunately, I didn't know about these attachment types and learned that I'm an AP and it explains whenever I present myself as clingy, she pulls away even further, especially when in her cold moments. She has told me many times that she's not sure why it happens and now I know better.
The DA in my life has erectile dysfunction. We tried to have sex but he was unable to perform & although the situation-ship continued he never attempted to get sexual with me again & the one time we spoke about it he denied the truth & said that he was too big to fit. I pointed out that he was not hard enough. It’s been years & we were edging towards FINALLY reconnecting when he said that he still likes me but is too shy & too busy for relationship. Oh boy! After 5Lt eats I’ve given up.
Is it common for avoidants to be in long term marriages? I’m talking together for 14 years type of thing? Are they just in the marriage but actually pushing the partner away the entire time, but it just looks like they had a stable marriage because they stayed in it for so long.
Life is short and why find people who make it hard for everybody. Life will teach these people hard lessons. Let them learn their own lessons. I was married to a narcissist and then in relationship with a dismissive avoidant. Lesson learnt is run from these people. Save yourself friends.
Is sex really that intimate considering hook up culture? I don't see any intimacy in hook up culture. Not that I participate just an observation from those that do. Friend complaining about lack of intimacy with the friend with benefits they met on hook up apps.
It's not. Many people confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. I have asked some people for a description of emotional intimacy and they begin describing sex... They are often confused between the two. And it's one reason I see hook up culture being very common because I think over time more and more people have become avoidant. There were a lot of bad lessons to learn from previous generations on how a relationship should work And so rather than risk this type of relationship people will try to get their needs met through physical intimacy only to find it lacking. But rather than understand why they keep doing this only to feel dissatisfied a day later they just think maybe more would help...
A lot of marriages especially long term marriages/relationships are struggling with the same issues due to other factors! I think couples become way to comfortable they become lazy.
My avoidant ex drained me till I had nothing more to give her because she gave nothing. She cared less when it came to my wants or needs. It's not our responsibility to fix them.
I think that most of them stay with the ones they have sex with first. Because then they get attached. They stay long enough to let the relationship develop. But when you don't start out with sex and wait a while - then they sometimes get scared to have sex because they realize it's 'the next step' and then they're definitely in a relationship. They actually do better with the ones they sleep with right away. I hate today that but its true. They get really attached and bonded.
I Just Don't UNDERSTAND It All😰 & I'm Trying So Damn HARD To Know What To Do OR Not Do, B'cause It Seems Right At Time's, YET, It Feels Like He Is Wanting To Control Me, By Keeping Back, Holding On Tight, YET Pushing Away... It's So Confusing, I Am Literally Going Out My Mind B'cause I L♡VE HIM SO DEARLY, MY HEART JUST BREAKS WIDE OPEN, TRYING TO FIGURE HIM OUT😭😱🥺
You just have to let him know that you love him, what he means to you, and then live your life. Stop showing him it affects you. Pay no attention to him other than treating him like he's a roommate. Sometimes it's enough to make them look at what's happening and then they start trying.
Before leaving my partner told me the only good thing between us was sex, the best of his life, but me and my act of service disgusted him...he did take all the gifts l had given him though and never refused to eat home made dinner and order takeaway inatead....user or avoidant
I'm curious how powerful, record-breaking, "best sex of their life" might compel a DA to overcome their blocks. If they know they have never had it that good before and will never have it that good ever again, might that be an impetus for them to finally look in the mirror and be ready to change?
Nope it won’t - made her come with leggings still on the first time we got physical, she said she wouldn’t want to have sex the first 3 months…1 week later, I made her demand that I would put it in and I told her, you said you wanted to wait and it’s fine with me, I really loved her and thought she is my girl for the rest of my life…the first time after she demanded me to give it to her she told me that I am the best she ever had - and she really meant it, saw it in her eyes - she was really comfortable, she really enjoyed it snd I couldn’t even get to her place to domhome office with her not sitting on my lap 30 seconds later…however, all the horny behavior, scratching me back hard, really feeling and enjoying it was gone once it got more serious between us and I „massively disappointed“ her for the first time - yes, I drove weeknights from midnight until 6 morning to pick her up at her flat. Cause she was sick - but 2 days later having not had sleep for more than 3 hours each night after losing the night I drove to her, I didn’t hear my alarm Saturdays morning to pick her up for a local celebration in the city but only woke up at 12 and not 9. after that it was done with her…stayed more months hoping the person I fell in love with would return…she never did…so no, even if you fuck their brains out, make her come always and are the best she ever had, they will not change…
No because they lack the bonding neurochemistry. They binge on dopamine which is what sex is so your just giving them a worse binge into the unhealthy and preventing long term bonding. 😢
@@brownell.landrumI thought it would make a difference given that me and my ex of 12 months both said that it was the best sex we’ve ever had and she also said that I was the first man that she has ever truly respected. Neither of these were compelling factors in her deciding to stay instead of leave, nor work on things. She IS in therapy. But she’s avoiding the relationship with me, and ALL relationships, because she doesn’t want to put herself in situations where she feels any pressure or expectation.
I'm going to give a kind of sad answer. The flaw in your logic is that the DA probably doesn't know they have any issue. I say that as a DA learning about this stuff recently. Even if this is a motivator to stay together, the DA wiring doesn't expect you to accept them as they are. They will try to make it work, but in the wrong ways, without being real about their boundaries and preferences. If you are very lucky you will have enough in common that this does move things along, but there is a big risk that they kind of build a facade and then need to escape that facade. The DA flaw might not be a lack of trying, but the contradiction between wanting acceptance and hiding their true self because they do not believe you will accept them. That's a very difficult contradiction to escape.
Tbey shut down regardless, if not today then tomorrow, its comin. The sooner the better. Stop waisting your precious years of your life. Life is short. They are not worth it.
This is the problem with society, labels and boxes. Perhaps teach people about their infinite power, how anything and everything is energy. And we have the power to heal and shift these paradigms that you’re a part in creating. Be mindful of what you prescribe to as a conscious co-creator.
All these walking eggshell issues to be mindful of just to have the avoidant discard the other partner... it's the worst feeling... right up there with a death in the family... I wouldn't recommend staying with an avoidant once you know that's their attachment style or you're in for some major heartbreak!
@@jamiejaymee It is for anyone! I'm curious why you thought you already had to be in the field? About 50% of our students actually come from completely unrelated careers and are looking to make a job change!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool oh ok, the info video on the page you have me a link to, Thais said that this was for people who are already professionals.. so I turned it off 👀 maybe I should have listened until the end 😅?
@taylorbee4010 yep, always talking about sex. This is a LDR but it's a constant. He says he has been with 600 women. I try not to be judgemental but damn!
My ex DA gf was insatiable with me. 12- 20 orgasm nights were frequent. It never translated to emotional with her. Or, I should say - after the 15 month mark- there seemed to be less emotion and less physical affection. I've heard Adam Lane Smith refer to the DA 180 degree turnaround - or " flipping the facade" at about this point : re intimacy. And experienced a serious coldness from her the last 6 weeks.
I have the same experience, hypersexual for the first year and a half, then a sudden drop off. Also, an interesting thought that I only realised after the breakup and learning about attachment theory, is that she always preferred positions that were less intimate and face to face, avoiding that closer emotional connection, eyes always closed🤔
@@norswil8763I experienced this as well. Kissing at first; minimal ; but hyper sexual; then dropped off ; but eventually kissing stopped and yeah no face to face interactions. Mine was and is only concerned with his own pleasure. I’m just a vessel.
@@norswil8763 wow. I'd say my GF was the same, half-the time. But I actually requested and taught her about eye contact during sex, and she did respond positively. I just sent her a very direct and blunt letter - calling her out on all her dysfunction, bullshit, lies. People in these spaces seem to want to tiptoe around them - but if they don't hear the blunt truth - how the hell will they ever learn - because they don't self-reflect.
Once a month was all I was allowed. Holding hands. Hugs. Pecks for kisses. Very closed off with big feelings. He told me he loved me. I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. Never wants to lose me. He was Inconsistent. But talking about things that interests him.he was all for. 5 yrs of this. Cheated on me with and 18 yr old that we have know since she was 12. He left a month and a half ago. Just left the kids and I. Hasn't called, hasn't messaged NOTHING
In my experience the fearful avoidants were more (sometimes significantly) interested in sex than the dismissive avoidants. Sex was a way to satisfy their anxious side. But I don't feel like they got any more out of it then an avoidant does. Because either way the inability to be vulnerable or connected to their emotions meant that it was an almost purely physical act.
My girl always said sex brought us back together. It’s always so intense even in missionary because we are in love. Make up sex was the best. Whilst on weed it’s like a trance. Anyway she’s blocked me now after I tried to fix a misunderstanding with our friend. Day 9 of no contact
Very thorough breakdown. Being a physical/tactile person I tend to connect with women most through s*x. It may explain why I prefer playing the field to serious relationships. 🤔 I'd love to see more of this!
@@hspinnovators5516 well I'm not well versed in the chemical compounds, but what I CAN say is that my career/business goals have shown more consistency in happiness than in relationships. As the late Nipsey Hussle said, "you could wake up to the love of your life one day and they could decide they love someone else. However if you wake up next to a $100 bill, it'll always be a $100 bill." I tend to agree.
I am scared that my ex wife if 18 years, apart from 2 with me is feeling about sex with her new boyfriend. Will she be do attracted to that newness keep her further apart from me?
My DA would have sex but it wasn’t something they loved doing. 2-3 times a month if I was lucky. 1 time a month on average. And 1 time a month was lucky though periods of our relationship. In the beginning we did it a lot. Later not so much. There was 1 weeks we did it 3 times and she was really fun about it about 5-6 months ago, but that was extremely rare. We were together 18 1/2 years. Now we are separated for 2 months. 😢
I dated an AVOIDANT and it was SO MUCH WORK! Nothing was ever right, really hard relationship.. too much trauma for them to heal. Ty for info!
yah i feel that but i still miss her i think its the trauma
Generalisations are generally unhelpful
I 2nd the notion. Avoidants are an incredible amount of work. They are definitely NOT worth it. Run the other direction.
@ how do you stop missing one ?
@@borgroves2076 put yourself out there to meet other people. Your brain will eventually figure out it's easier to interact with healthy and secure attached people than chase an avoidant.
These ppl are way too much work 4 months after the break up im good i need to unsub from all these channels and get a regular partner. 99% sure she wouldn't do half the research im doing to understand me.
The regular partners are raised into secure attachment style, and married with high-school partner..all the rest are on the dating market
@@gaborb6577 Not necessarly, thanks to the DA, some of them are still there.
True. It’s a reality. I needed to accept it with the same thing she asked me: “Time and Space”. I took that time to work on my self and allocated space for new stuff to come. May she float like an astronaut and when she decides to come back to Earth I will already moved on without the hurt no more.
You are smart to educate yourself
..then you'll know when you've attracted another one and you can RUN
@@gaborb6577this is the sad, awful truth
Avoidants are a complete waste of time, energy and love. Just run the other direction. No amount of watching videos like this will change them. The avoidant has to do the work to fix themselves!
@@dig-in8bo agree anxiously attached should spend less time watching these videos and more time investigating why they are chasing them in the first place aka fix themselves.
@@roxy7255 Funny. I'm secure attached. If you're actually trying to address me. Scored 88% SA on Thais' quiz. Both anxious and avoidants need to do the work. I find FA and DA to be worse out of the lot and based on numerous comments I've seen online. DA seems to be the most painful to deal with. Most of the biggest complaints are against avoidants. Get out of the dating pool and fix yourselves!
@@roxy7255 Funny, I'm 88% secure attached if you're trying to address me. Both avoidants and anxious folks should do the necessary work. However, the worst behaviors are from avoidant folks and there are numerous comments all over attachment posts about DA and FA showing up in the worst ways. Especially DAs. Avoidants should stay out of the dating pool until they've done some basic inner work and not subject the world to their mercurial and whimsical flights of fancy.
Funny Roxy. I'm 88% secure attached according to Thais' quiz. if you're trying to address me. Both avoidants and anxious folks should do the necessary work. However, the worst behaviors are from avoidant folks and there are numerous comments all over attachment posts about DA and FA showing up in the worst ways. Especially DAs. Avoidants should stay out of the dating pool until they've done some basic inner work and not subject the world to their mercurial and whimsical flights of fancy.
@@roxy7255 Funny, I'm 88% secure attached according to the quiz. If you're trying to address me. Both avoidants and anxious folks should do the necessary work. However, the worst behaviors are from avoidant folks and there are numerous comments all over attachment posts about DA and FA showing up in the worst ways. Especially DAs. Avoidants should stay out of the dating pool until they've done some basic inner work and not subject the world to their mercurial and whimsical flights of fancy.
People with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles can feel almost alien-detached in a way that doesn’t seem normal. Being in an anxious-avoidant cycle is exhausting. You give 100%, but it feels one-sided, and the effort you put in isn’t reciprocated. To make them happy, you often find yourself just listening, without fully expressing your own emotions because you fear they won’t respond in kind. And when they don’t, it hurts.
This is why I’ve stopped saying “I love you” or “I miss you” as openly. I’m not even sure if she feels the same way. I’m unsatisfied, yet it’s so hard to let go because I love her deeply. I know love is about giving freely without expecting anything in return, but there’s a point when you start to feel drained, constantly hoping for validation and openness that never comes.
So, I’m slowly learning to detach myself, focusing on just listening and managing my expectations.
Yeah I'm so in this with my best friend who is a woman. She can be so caring and interested sometimes. Sometimes she just talks. Others she just wants to be left alone for weeks.
do we share DA ? hahahah this is us to the bits.. my Goodness
im so not alone
Amen I completely understand how you feel. Until
I discovered attachment theory I thought I was the only one dealing with this
Man this is my marriage in a nutshell
Please don’t confuse this with trying harder in bed or giving them the best sex experience ever thinking it will bond you enough to make them want to change for you because it won’t. You’ll be signing up for heartache. Will they crave you more? Maybe. Will they be motivated to bond romantically? Not necessarily.
💯💯💯 true!!
Well said.🎉
Avoidants are very quick to have sex with new partners because they don't view sex as intimacy. It's very detached emotionally for them, sorta like a handshake for normal people. They are good for one night stands, but not designed for long term relationships.
Massive generalization and oversimplification. I’m a DA, and recovering from rushing into sex because it bonds me too much, too soon, before I’ve fully vetted the other person. I have pedestalized and gone all-in, while aware of old habits of being independent to a fault, not good at receiving.
I am working hard to do all I must do to align with the marriage/lifelong partnership I’ve always craved, but struggled to believe was possible for me.
@@PetitHibou72 It's good that you're working on your issues, but from my experience DA's are that way.
Accurate to my experience, i only realised after the discard that sex was just a dopamine hit for my FA. She loved sex and was totally possessed during the act, BUT she could not hold eye contact (intimacy) during the act.
She outlines two types, one of which matches your generalization and one that doesn't.
@@coping_in_copeland_coper I was not attracted to my FA ex at all initially but she used sex to win me over. It was the best sex I ever had. FA’s tend to have poor boundaries around sex so they almost never refuse sex. My ex stopped seeing me because she didn’t want intimacy anymore
I have found that most avoidant partners I have confused physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. In fact when I asked them to describe emotional intimacy they describe it in physical terms.
Before our relationships many of them would have a lot of sexual encounters and hookups. In some cases the frequency of which gave me pause. They were trying to fill the empty cup with these encounters. They were always satisfying for a short period but then they would need more to feel good about themselves.
And a lot of these cases, even in the relationship, physical intimacy was almost treated like a job. And it's because their inability to be vulnerable meant that the other dimension of intimacy was never really achieved. While I was experiencing true intimacy and in many cases actual joy and love they seemed to be going through the motions almost confused by my reaction versus their muted response. And there was certainly satisfaction but always something missing for them. And I think over time they became frustrated with the differences in how I responded versus their incomplete enjoyment.
Interesting that you observed that they might have found your enjoyment hurtful or triggering, as it might have made them feel inadequate or realize on some subconscious level that they were missing out on something. As a DA I actually know that hurt aswell.
You sound like a gentle and understanding soul.
Just the realization that one is “different” is painful…
agree with you and saw this behavior with my FA ex and she had all of me available to her whenever and however she needed. But still she cheated behind my back until I caught her and dumped her.
@@katharinaheckmann4962 Unfortunately over time the feelings would turn into resentment. And so sexual encounters would become less and less frequent because it was a reminder to them that there was this huge gulf between the two of us. And so now without this dopamine hit it would only increase further emotional estrangement.
@@remydrh I find you have understood his side astonishingly well. People usually misunderstand this. I’m sorry to hear this, this for sure can’t be easy! I can only tell you from my own experience that the feeling of inadequacy is huge. You feel so stupid but isolated and in many ways cheated out of life. It’s like life seems to pass you by and everyone else gets to participate. It’s embarrassing and humiliating to be seen as this lacking, especially by close ones who are supposed to look up to us in respect, and even though you are well meaning, that gaze of sympathy/judgement is why he has gone into hiding. I know it is not your fault, I believe passing on a DA attachment style to a child is a crime in and of it’s self.
What about what happens when those walls come down and they start to really trust and love you, and that scares them so much that they deactivate and sabotage the relationship…again (for the third time)?
What about that, obviously they have attachment issues
Then you leave.
Are you addicted to pain and suffering ?
I relate so completely to all the DA descriptions and challenges EXCEPT this bit about sabotaging relationships from fear. I understand bailing from feeling criticized, from feeling controlled, from feeling misunderstood, from too much conflict - but not just from the relationship going well. It's a weird disconnect for me when everything else matches so well.
Is it possible just being hyper-rational, introverted, quietly sensitive, and utterly conflict-avoidant adds up to something that tests like DA but doesn't quite have the same attachment issues?
@@MilesIncognitosomething here to ask yourself is maybe you aren't in good relationships and that is why you experience issues with conflict. Or it may be that there's a distorted view of the relationship. I have dated avoidants and fearful avoidants and it's clear that their view of the relationship is distorted. If you look at other videos under their personal development school you will see Thais talk about the stories we tell ourselves and how these aren't really based on reality. We may convince ourselves that certain things are happening in the relationship or that there are certain meanings behind what our partner is doing but they aren't based on reality.
Or, like I said above, you find yourself in bad relationships and it isn't that you were leaving because it's a good relationship It's that you were legitimately in a bad relationship. But then you may be in a situation like me where you need to ask why you keep choosing bad partners... And that could absolutely be related to being avoidant.
We talked about it... it was something pleasurable for him to do. He didn't experience bonding like I did.
Sad normally sex should bond people to love eachother even more
Typically, women will release oxytocin during sex but with men, they don't always release it. This is why women often get more attached from sex compared to men. Men releasing oxytocin from sex is more likely to happen when they love or really care about the person.
I appreciate this knowledge. It’s been a lot of work to bridge with an avoidant male I really care about but recently I “messed up” due to my needs so he shut the door. The problem is that this male doesn’t know he is avoidant and I got blamed for needing a bit more attention causing him to stress out, go silent and then he shut the door.
So the complexity of this topic helps me to move on and not be his therapist or so understanding that I become a doormat.
Thank you. This video helped me not bash myself and move on.
@@danika9448 yea it is. Luckily it became unraveled after 5 weeks and we are long distance. Phew. But I’ve known him along time as an in and out friend for 9 years. Years before that we met in high school. It’s interesting how you can’t always tell with a friend as they have good cover stories why things don’t work out between them and various mates. The stonewalling was the worst part.
I'm sorry. I have a female best friend who is like this. Sometimes she pulls back on her own and sometimes I'm to needy and se pulls back. It sucks for me either way.
@@johnlicht6532 I’m sorry too ! It’s diffI out for sure. ❤️
My DA never made eye contact during sex in 2 1/2 years! Now I understand why. When she was drunk it was worse, it felt like a one night stand.
Maybe he is a narcissist 😢
I got the opposite with a male DA. T
Psychopathic.. perhaps.
Now it makes sense as to why my ex didn’t either!!
We talked about it a good bit and were really looking forward to having it. We went away to a hotel to be together for the first time, but when we got there she couldn’t go through with it. She apologized, but I was nothing but reassuring and told her not to apologize at all. I just told her I loved her and that we would get there. She discarded me two days later.
I cant imagine a female DA. I feel like they would be so much more harsh than a man, because a male DA is a lot to deal with bcause of the hardcore avoidant ways. Imagine a girl being that cold
@@Neya500 I’ve camped in the mountains of Colorado, and that was the coldest night of my life.
You know ironically you telling her you loved her caused the discard. These people cannot do emotional vulnerability. They have absolutely no capacity for it. Triggers deactivation.
@@coping_in_copeland_coper We had already been regularly saying “I love you” to each other, but I suppose this was the deepest expression of love yet.
@@BruceJC75 makes sense too. For mine the sex was simply a dopamine hit. She loved it to hell. She deactivated over time when she realised she really really liked me. LOL. Ironic
In my recent experience, me and an avoidant was reconnecting for about 8 weeks. We returned from our first trip together and they finally released during intimacy. Quickly after they grew distant and because this was our 2nd time reconnecting, I allowed space to naturally occur. I reached out a week later to ask “if they were ok” since they did not follow up with the call they said they’d do and received a break up text a week later :) the first time this happened was similar (minus intimacy) they offered a call and I following up with it and then received the break up text.
I'm sharing relatable experiences to illustrate how attachment theories can be applied. The depth of these discussions has helped identify triggers more effectively as being someone whose core is avoidant leaning secure.
Really appreciate your channel!!
Self sabotage
I wasn't ready for the most impactful relationship of my life. This explains so much. Those walls. I basically did everything you said I shouldn't do! 2 years, and its still in me. whew.
Me too
I’m an Avoidant. I was in a relationship for 16 months. I was very guarded for about a year of the relationship. I went through the mental, physical and then the emotional connection. Four months after I became vulnerable he started to pull away. I sensed this and retreated. We parted ways and this reinforced my avoidant attachment style.
I completely shut down. It will now be very difficult for me to ever fully ever become vulnerable again. Zero trust.
Your retreat reinforces the negative impressions you create on your partner. I makes you seem unreliable, unreasonable, and unfaithful. Your pattern of retreat only confirms other people's perception that "you are not willing to put in the work" in the relationship. I am married to an avoidant. Everyone advises me to let go because it is unreasonably taxing to be the only one trying to keep, maintain, repair, or grow the relationship. If you are not willing to trust, be open, and be vulnerable, even when it hurts then it is hard to have a relationship because you are always scared to be in the relationship because you are afraid of being hurt. If you want to grow. Stop being afraid of being hurt and get in there and understand why you are getting hurt and how and why you hurt your partner. To be able to become securely attached and become healed emotionally and relationally you need to bring to your conscious awareness the the subconscious fears from childhood that have directed and controlled your behavior patterns. It is possible to "rewire" or reprogram your heart and mind. The best and fastest way is to get help with someone trained in attachment theory to help you navigate this journey. You can do it yourself but it takes a lot of discipline, introspection, and diligence. You can do it. I believe in you! ❤️
@@consistentbass Thank you, for this very detailed, thoughtful response to my comment. After a year I did become vulnerable. I opened my heart and he started to pull away. So yes, I’m aware that you are risking being hurt but, that’s the only way to be in a true, loving relationship. I’ve been in counseling for a while and I’m working through this. Until I’ve healed I’ve decided to remain single. It’s been six months since the breakup but, I’m enjoying my own company and doing things I’ve never done before. My career is busy so I do have a fulfilled life. I’m not lonely but, just living for myself for now.
Thank you, again for your comment. You are absolutely 💯correct in what you’ve said. I’ll get there someday but, for today I’m doing my best to heal and be happy in my own skin. Many blessings to you🤍
@@GeorgeHale1984you deserve to be loved. Go out there and find your person.
I am so sorry this happened to you. My best friend is like you. She's so broken from this happening to her in multiple relationships she wont get close to another guy emotionally and physically. She's very emotionally close with me and has even said she likes me a lot, afraid to date me because she's doesn't want to hurt me and is afraid she will sabotage the relationship if we do. I'm just there for her and support her how I can.
@@johnlicht6532 You sound like a great person. I wish I had a friend like that.
I have lost my confidence in being able to choose healthy partners. The man I was with for 16 months was a good person but, because I’ve been hurt and abused so much I wasn’t able to trust him and I sabotaged the relationship. Being alone feels safe to me. I attract plenty of men but, not good men.
My DA ex was the very sexual type. We were in a LDR and when we first met up in person, 3 months after we started dating. As soon as he picked me up from the airport we wet to his place to do the deed. I was a bit jet lagged, tired from the trip, hungry, but yeah sex was first. We haven't even had our first proper date. LOL
He did also open up that for a long time after his last long relationship ended, he would swing with couples just to feel something. But when we dated, the month I stayed with him, he literally broke my back. LOL not that I'm complaining.
But yeah, got close, comfortable, vulnerable then he locked up, stone wall, and ghosted. Then bam, he sent me a breakup text after a month of ghosting telling not to contact him, days before we move in together. Now I'm here, 6 months into self-work and healing.
😅😅😊
hw long did you date for?
😢Sorry. I get it.
I'm so glad you turned this experience into an opportunity to heal. Have you felt less attraction to avoidant types yet?
Healing not from actual DA, but from your own personality wishing to go down to business on the first meeting.
Avoidants get most vulnerable after sex. They will either melt and pour their hearts out, feel at peace and comfort, or explode from their emotions and bolt off.
Would really like more on a Fearful avoidant, please!
As a clinical psychologist, I love the way you explained & organized this video. Much love, diva ❤️
Thank you Thais. You are such a gift to the community. I would be really interested in learning more about vasopressin if you can do a full webinar on this
They don't make the difference between emotional closeness and physical closeness.. i knew a guy so disconnected from his feelings that he thought I was a lesbian for having close female friends I confided in. He thought you would only want this bond with someone you sleep with and that physical closeness was all there was to a relationship. I also had to explain to that 29 year old that you can do something for someone else if that makes them happy and that not everything in life was about fulfilling ones own needs in the pursuit of pleasure. He looked at me like I was an alien
My ex DA was on the slow side. I noticed that because he would get really physically nervous around me and stiffen up if I even wanted to hold his hand. It took 3 months before we kissed, but then we soon therafter also started having sex. I then saw that he had a kinky side where I felt that a session of sex with him felt like a sex binge. Not that I minded. However it was around that time I had a clue that he has sexual abuse trauma. I asked that, but he denied it, until 3 years later he admitted to what happened in his childhood. He continued to have this waves between sexual anorexia and hypersexuality until he just settled on the withdrawal from sex and it became a lot for him to engage.
❤
Sex with my DA boyfriend was complicated by his ED. I told him it was OK, we could still pleasure each other. So we did ... for several months. Then came his barrage of reasons for having ED: my hair wasn't long enough, my hair wasn't blond, my panties weren't skimpy g-strings, my lingerie wasn't sexy enough, I didn't partially expose my breasts when wearing street clothes, my feet swelled on hot days, and a litany of illnesses he dreamed up that I don't have. Finally he got down to deciding unilaterally that I was his "friend with benefits," which I found extremely insulting. He played like he didn't know why I'd be offended -- that's how emotionally divorced he was from sex. Notice that I'm writing in the past tense. That's because he is past tense. It has been three weeks now, and I am so happy without him.
My DA did the same thing to me, blamed me for our horrible sex life, said he wasn’t attracted to me, this is the same man who couldn’t keep his hands off of me in the beginning, even on our first date. He had ED and I was so patient and understanding and did my very best to not make him feel inadequate or show my frustration that my needs were not being met. The audacity for him to blame me when he was clearly having physical issues that required medication well before we even met. It still affected my confidence as I never experienced anything like that before. It’s traumatizing to be with a DA! Never again!
Porn. Its porn use@@teresah1979
Porn. They get addicted to it
to much corn he watching... he would need to stop watching for like month, maybe even 2 weeks, and when you come over, I bet he would be functional again. Talk to him about that. He needs to go monk mode and fix that addiction.
@@TheWay_of_theStoic likely deeper than that, like feeling Weak and Inadequate in life or shame about sex in general.
You forgot the avoidant who has one night stands or otherwise short sexual relationships for the dopamine hit.
That's probably a Sex addict.
A healthy emotionally available person is repelled by avoidants. If they're attracted to them, they're either anxiously attached or fearful avoidant pining for love and working hard for affection.
Not really. Doesn't always compute to SA.
Are you a professional?
"When avoidants feel judged or shamed around seggs, it will cause them to shut down, in fact shut down so much they dont open back up again"
And the moment I was told "all you think about is seggs" was the moment I never initiated it again after 10 years of rejection.
They sometimes pop up REALLY suddenly with wanting it too.
I hate being an avoidant. I hurt myself as much as I've hurt others and I'll never forgive myself.
At least you're working on yourself and have self-awareness. That's progress. Learn to forgive yourself. I've been hurt by avoidant behavior. Speaking as a SA person.
I believe DAs need to forgive themselves in order for them to be able to receive and give love
The title of this video made me want to comment: The ONLY way an avoidant can give intimacy (fake intimacy) is sexual "intimacy." Avoidant attachment happens when a parent or a partner is a an overt narcissist, so the child or partner learns to shut down and become avoidant. They fear conflict and think their feelings will create conflict, so they never tell you what they feel and expect you to read their mind and just know what they want all the time. I've been dating avoidants for the last 10 years and it's basically like dating yourself. I feel like I was the only one in the relationship doing any work at all. I also learned that people abused by narcissists (maybe this is specific to partner abuse, I'm not sure) have shrunken brains because of the trauma, but their mid-brain is more excited/excitable so avoidants are basically always in the mood for sex. So an avoidant will have sex with you no problem, but they can't actually show up for you in any way that means anything
Brain Damage..
Super fascinating video!! I reeeeeeeally hope you do one for the two different types of FAs and APs where this is concerned, as well!!
I'm an avoidant, and having sex with a new partner is the very last thing on my list. If my partner doesn't make me feel safe, I could live without touching them or having sex with them entirely, tbqh.
I have been with a partner and didn't have sex with him for a year because it took him that long to make me feel safe.
When I'm not in a relationship, I'm abstinent. Something I find easy to do because, for me, if I have no connection with someone, I can not be physically intimate or sexually intimate with them.
Not all avoidants are the same. So, to assume that shows a lack of emotional maturity and intelligence.
We are DA because of trauma. Normally, childhood trauma and not all traumas are the same. So we may share characteristics, but we are not identical. DA are not a monolith.
When my mother, who I was very close to, passed away, it opened up my heart in a way I never knew was possible, and I have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. I have been more open with my emotions in relationships even though it scares me, and I have stayed and not shut down and ran away. So, DA can grow, change, and evolve like other people. We are not monsters.
You all seem hyper critical of DA. I assume you've all been hurt by someone like me.
Maybe you need to get over that hurt because it's obvious you're talking from pain, anger, and disappointment.
The thing about DA is that we struggle with our own emotions, but we are very in touch with other people's. We notice changes in words, body language, and behaviours. It's like a superpower. We can feel when someone is bonding with us. It's scary because people bond very fast and this isn't true for us. We are slow burners. Not that we can not bond, we need the time and understanding to bond naturally and organically.
I find myself mimicking my partners words, actions, and feelings because it just makes it easier. People want their partner to be on the same page as them rather than try to understand them. I've stop mimicking because I think faking feelings in hope of catching up with a partner is more hurtful in the end than being honest about how I feel even if I'm still in like stage and they've moved to love.
Why mimick? Because I really liked my partners and I wanted to be with them, and I didn't want to argue or sour the relationship. I knew me not saying I love you too would hurt them, and I didn't want to hurt them. I put their emotional needs first, neglecting mine. Then, the feelings of suffocating start. Next thing you know, a partner is proposing and wanting to start a family. I'm still in like and they're so far ahead of me that I realise I won't ever catch up. You panic, shut down. How are you going to say I don't love you, not yet. I may, though, please give me time. It's very lonely being a DA because DA are very charismatic, and being so has huge expectations. You always end up letting people down. 😢
A relationship is about two people trying to please one another. If you decide that the other person's needs do not align with yours and will ultimately negatively affect you, leave.
Avoidant can present as being cold and harsh, but for us, it's simple. We do not get trapped by emotions. This doesn't mean we didn't like someone, love them, or crave them. It doesn't mean we don't miss them, hurt or feel lost.
If an DA break up with you, they are doing so just for them but also for you. If we see that our actions are hurting someone we care deeply for, we think setting you free to find someone who can love you in the way you need is best. There are no bad intentions in our actions.
I hope all of you hurt by a DA heal. I pray God allows you to find true, restorative, and replenishing love ❤️
Thanks for opening up. My lady is one and it's been tough. I am working on myself and I pray she also does the work so we can maintain a long relationship. Time will tell.
Im avoidant and almost 45. I didn’t know that I compartmentalize and emotionally detach until this last year. Communication is difficult. It is a process of learning to trust yourself. The driving fear is needing to keep self safe.
However, both sides of the relationship need to be aware of themselves and their triggers. Avoidants get the blame but we show up in ways different than anxious. We are the doers. We may not be overly communicative or expressive, but we do show if we care. It is usually met with how we could do more, but we may not be able to do more.
Avoidants and narcissists are two different animals. Don’t lump everyone together.
@nicolero1106 thanks for your view point. I would agree avoidants and narcissists are two different types of individuals, sometimes intertwined but very rarely.
Can you explain the part where you say you as avoidants are the doers? Just to understand what context you're referring to because from what I have read and experienced it's what you choose to do(provide and give at a surface level)/not do (mostly the deep work is where issues start) due to fear that drives people crazy and causes them to make comments like that.
Obviously not every avoidant is the same so you're right they can't all be lumped together.
Ultimately kudos goes to those putting in the work to understand themselves and change for the better. It's definitely a hard ask for an avoidant to do and it is sad in many ways because there is help but only if one reaches out. It can't be solved alone.
Couples therapy would do nicely. While you may "feel" like you'll never catch up, that's just your assumption. Then you make yourself feel guilty for holding them back from finding the right partner while simultaneously confirming your core beliefs that you're too much or not good enough.
I know that my ex is an avoidant and is trying to set me free lol. There is no accountability on her end. Throwing out a relationship because of self doubt and fear instead of seeking help. Instead of figuring it out together, she would rather retreat. I know deactivation is just a coping mechanism. There was zero communication, like you said, "You didn't want to cause conflict or sour the relationship." It's not that avoidants don't, they don't have the emotional intelligence to discern their feelings and articulate them to their partner.
Communicating needs and boundaries is a HUGE first step. If that can't be done, then the relationship is doomed. My favorite part was being told that I was too needy for trying to communicate. The slow fade, less intimacy, less touching, more workload taken, hobbies, and acting until the discard.
You prayed that God would allow you to find true, restorative, and replenishing love but God IS love. Find God and you will find that love. Become love so that you never have to find it. Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
@@fredpantis2084 Amen 🙏🏾. Thanks for your view point. It is very sad that they will do everything to sabotage the relationship just so they can play the blame game of "Oh he/she is just another one who said he will stay and never leave but he/she left". But what did they do to affect the other party leaving? Nothing at all 😇.
The fact that they some know they should do the work but remain in that heavy cloak of fear is so mind-blowing. They're so scared of change that they'd rather remain in pain as if it's some magic treasure to gain.
They just love the victimization that comes with it so much so that they fail to realize they are hurting themselves but holding on to that pain and trauma while claiming "Nobody cares" or "Nobody loves me".
It's a sad reality that so many avoidants choose to live in.
Need to join this program at once!! Infinite Blessings!!
Geez after dating a DA that was the most traumatic and damaging experience of my life. So much pain after just leaving in a split seconded. Poor DAs are absolutely doomed for life of superficial relationships that never last unless they can do some serious inner work. Otherwise will be forever alone full of temporary happiness with tons of emotional trauma
My avoidant is a sex and porn addict. No hope for them.
Move on. I will never know if he ever connect to me sexually. But he sure did with thousands of other woman while being with me through the 3 year relationship.
Yes yes you are right I start to know one person I feel he is cold but when we have sexuel chating he become expressif then suddenly send me porn I was so choked because it meant to be intimate not porno I run away I am sure he have heavy addiction to porn people are damaged
they prefer positions where not making eye contact. they do not cuddle after sex.
My DA won't let us have ANY kind of connection. It's the one thing I want and he can't give it to me.
He only cares about his sexual need and neglects my needs.
I personally need a connection before I can be intimate.
26 years and on the cusp of divorce.
I’m confused by how you have lived like this for 26 years..
so sorry for your situation. oddly, I'm a DA who has a lack of sex problem in my relationship, so a similar problem but also different. My ears perked up at "need a connection before I can be intimate", because my wiring is almost the opposite - the deed & release itself creates the connection.
Is it possible some couples are stuck in a chicken & egg problem of which happens first? I want the sex to be based on that raw animal instinct and mutual desire with my partner, and feelings happen after. I wonder if my wife is wired more like you, and how to navigate that.
@@MilesIncognito I'd venture to say that MOST women are "wired" that way. Intimacy leads to sex.
@@MilesIncognitoimmaturity.. lack of connection is also the same as little to no empathy or underatanding for anothers feelings
Within the realationship. Make up sex is cool if u had it then n there .. Shadow Work Heals All.
Wow! This is enlightening. I would love to see this same video, but for those with and Anxious Attachment style.
Get help for your denial
Excellent podcast. I'm so greatful for this amazing insight into my significant other!!
I told my x at one point that i felt like sex was the only way that we could communicate anymore. We were getting divorced shortly afterwards.
When a goddess learns how to use her energy, yes, indeed.
Could you do a Fearful Avoidant specific related to this topic
Please!!
I agree this was a little emotional. It was so touching to see that they knew our culture and love our food just like. We love their culture and food as well.❤
Been watching your videos for the last few weeks, wanted to have a clearer understanding of which avoidant tendencies I have and why I behave certain ways when being with an intimate partner, I grew up with a narcissistic mother and emotionally unavailable father for most of my life, and being the middle child felt like I was used as a scapegoat for a lot of the issues that went on in the household, was never taught to connect with people on an emotional level, just got out of a relationship last year after being in it for just over 7 years… he was a mummy’s boy and I ignored it most of the time, and the last year was truly not happy, so when he left me in March I was more shocked than angry and over the last few months come to be at peace with him no longer around. I’m not sure if I should ever be in another relationship though as it’s too draining to even try, so spending this year truly trying to understand myself and what I’m needing to work on than getting back out there
The first time my avoidant partner told me he loved me was right after sex. And most of the times he told me that and really seemed honest was after sex.
But I think he has some narcissistic traits too. I never had an orgasm with him and we've been together for almost 2 years. He never really seemed to care satisfying me and even admitted he touches himself thinking about other people. So it's all for HIS pleasure. The last time I complained about not being satisfied he said "I don't have the obligation to satisfy you in bed. You have to know your body and what you like". OK but... What is the point of having sex then if I can satisfy myself on my own?
Avoidants are unconformable with intimacy.
Not true.
im a dismissive avoidant. I am trying to do the work to understand myself and make improvments. The comments below all really suck haha.
It's okay. Don't worry about them. All of these videos are full of people who blanket their experiences onto everyone else as if being an avoidant is a personality...Many don't take accountability and blame it solely on the other person as if they were held hostage.
If they don't like it and or don't want to be patient or have grace then they need to move on.
I can't stand when people come here to make generalizations. You would think they come to learn and listen. Instead it's the opposite.
I really appreciate what you're saying here and it applies to my relationship deeply. Thank you
Exceptional work!
Thank you. Wonderful explanation. I appreciate it.
No matter which attachment type you sort of fit into.. and no matter what attachment type your partner is.. it’s important to keep
An eye on where you are.. whether you ar losing yourself in this process.. number one rule.. if you are compromising yourself.. have an agreement that you respectfully draw a boundary even if that means exiting and never looking back.. love yourself at the end of the day and don’t abandon yourself.. you can’t help anyone unless you are a disciple of this I believe. Love.
Ngl i hate this infinite circle of being avoidant but i just cant let people to close i also have this with friendships and im glad my friends understand i sometimes disappear but im tired of my self 😭💀
What keeps you from being consistent? Other people need space too, but the avoidant wants too much space which is making me feel unsafe, like he is unreliable and i cannot ever trust him. One day he loves me, next day he disappears. He texted "sorry i disappeared again" and i do appreciate him saying sorry, but i know he's had sex with someone else. I am tired of loving him and then cursing him (in my head), i just want to love him and feel loved :(
@@zanutza07 1.i have never cheated on no-one thats your boyfriend and not all avoidant people are like that
2.the thing that keeps me from being consistent since you wanted to know is the fact that since i can remember i had to fight for my self to survive and the moment i did put trust in others it got broken over and over to the point where I'm in this cycle of liking someone but later on regretting talking to them knowing a person in a relationship is gonna want to get close with their boyfriend/partner but i cant cause ive been hurt since the start of my life and putting trust and showing my soft spot is something i cant for the sake of protecting my soul thats why i cant start relationships cause i dont wanna bother and waist someones time knowing that if they get to close i will run
i hope this helps
Get therapy. It’s your last hope.
Thanks for the informative video.
🙏
Thank you for helping turn my inner thoughts into beneficial outer words/actions
Im pretty sure the DA i was dealing with used sex in the place of an emotional bond.
Yes, same thing with my avoiding partner and the other thing is that he was mension his ex-girlfriend saying "i have been so in loved with her." And he was so proud of saying that. Actualy then i realise he does not know that being in love and loving someone is totally diferent things. He has no clue what relationship is.. What does mean emotional partbership is. For god sake he thinks that being in love is some virtue. That he loved her.
The mental connection gets me.
And yep they move into being spicier
11:51 my experience with sexual bonding with DA, was that he would be very direct, to the point, and frankly unexperienced with deeper sexual intimacy. So as I was expecting the sexual conection to evolve, he became more dosconected. He even used netflix as a regulation after sex, and that was when I started to realize the emotional incestemnts where unbalanced. I have later found out that he is DA, but before that discovery, I was crueless as to how such a sexual chemistry and relationship could implode instead of evolve.
Yes, mine to
I view sex as intimacy, its one of the ways i feel loved. I try not to pester partners with my needs/desires.
I enjoy physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts occasionally.
But with sex i feel bonded, romance flows after sex stuff. Its difficult without
You need help
@justint.kennerly5780 Thanks, that's vague, but I will assume you offer professional advice. I am seeing a councilor, unraveling the struggles and providing tools for progress. Honest communication with my partner helps, too
I am improving on communicating my wants and needs with my partner in healthy ways so we can both express our needs and wants
Work on yourself please 🙏
@anandanabila8439 I already mentioned I am, I also communicate with my partner.
somebody tell this again to me like I'm five.
Agree. A repeat and a description helps. It all cant be said Enough times
women love avoidant men but men cannot handle avoidant women. Thats what i notice.
I'm dating a DA. Sometimes she can be so hot that it almost feels unreel and most of the time, cold. Unfortunately, I didn't know about these attachment types and learned that I'm an AP and it explains whenever I present myself as clingy, she pulls away even further, especially when in her cold moments. She has told me many times that she's not sure why it happens and now I know better.
The DA in my life has erectile dysfunction. We tried to have sex but he was unable to perform & although the situation-ship continued he never attempted to get sexual with me again & the one time we spoke about it he denied the truth & said that he was too big to fit. I pointed out that he was not hard enough. It’s been years & we were edging towards FINALLY reconnecting when he said that he still likes me but is too shy & too busy for relationship. Oh boy! After 5Lt eats I’ve given up.
I think he is porn addict too I am even sure
Is it common for avoidants to be in long term marriages? I’m talking together for 14 years type of thing? Are they just in the marriage but actually pushing the partner away the entire time, but it just looks like they had a stable marriage because they stayed in it for so long.
I'm avoidant and married for 17 years.
We have a special needs child and now that he is older we are doing a separation.
Life is short and why find people who make it hard for everybody. Life will teach these people hard lessons. Let them learn their own lessons. I was married to a narcissist and then in relationship with a dismissive avoidant. Lesson learnt is run from these people. Save yourself friends.
Is sex really that intimate considering hook up culture? I don't see any intimacy in hook up culture. Not that I participate just an observation from those that do. Friend complaining about lack of intimacy with the friend with benefits they met on hook up apps.
It's not. Many people confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. I have asked some people for a description of emotional intimacy and they begin describing sex... They are often confused between the two. And it's one reason I see hook up culture being very common because I think over time more and more people have become avoidant. There were a lot of bad lessons to learn from previous generations on how a relationship should work And so rather than risk this type of relationship people will try to get their needs met through physical intimacy only to find it lacking. But rather than understand why they keep doing this only to feel dissatisfied a day later they just think maybe more would help...
Sex CAN be intimate. It's a matter of how you treat it. ❤
A lot of marriages especially long term marriages/relationships are struggling with the same issues due to other factors! I think couples become way to comfortable they become lazy.
My ex can relate on this. I wonder if the time will ever come when that could change.
Hi how do I get started on the attachment styles coach please
I think this can happen after years of abuse so how do they fix it???
The disconnect is like Alexithymia. From complex trauma or C-PTSD
Hi I am not finding this for anxious preoccupied?
My avoidant ex drained me till I had nothing more to give her because she gave nothing. She cared less when it came to my wants or needs. It's not our responsibility to fix them.
I think that most of them stay with the ones they have sex with first. Because then they get attached. They stay long enough to let the relationship develop. But when you don't start out with sex and wait a while - then they sometimes get scared to have sex because they realize it's 'the next step' and then they're definitely in a relationship. They actually do better with the ones they sleep with right away. I hate today that but its true. They get really attached and bonded.
How do you connect with a DA if you're abstaining?
I Just Don't UNDERSTAND It All😰 & I'm Trying So Damn HARD To Know What To Do OR Not Do, B'cause It Seems Right At Time's, YET, It Feels Like He Is Wanting To Control Me, By Keeping Back, Holding On Tight, YET Pushing Away... It's So Confusing, I Am Literally Going Out My Mind B'cause I L♡VE HIM SO DEARLY, MY HEART JUST BREAKS WIDE OPEN, TRYING TO FIGURE HIM OUT😭😱🥺
You just have to let him know that you love him, what he means to you, and then live your life. Stop showing him it affects you. Pay no attention to him other than treating him like he's a roommate. Sometimes it's enough to make them look at what's happening and then they start trying.
Before leaving my partner told me the only good thing between us was sex, the best of his life, but me and my act of service disgusted him...he did take all the gifts l had given him though and never refused to eat home made dinner and order takeaway inatead....user or avoidant
I'm curious how powerful, record-breaking, "best sex of their life" might compel a DA to overcome their blocks. If they know they have never had it that good before and will never have it that good ever again, might that be an impetus for them to finally look in the mirror and be ready to change?
Nope it won’t - made her come with leggings still on the first time we got physical, she said she wouldn’t want to have sex the first 3 months…1 week later, I made her demand that I would put it in and I told her, you said you wanted to wait and it’s fine with me, I really loved her and thought she is my girl for the rest of my life…the first time after she demanded me to give it to her she told me that I am the best she ever had - and she really meant it, saw it in her eyes - she was really comfortable, she really enjoyed it snd I couldn’t even get to her place to domhome office with her not sitting on my lap 30 seconds later…however, all the horny behavior, scratching me back hard, really feeling and enjoying it was gone once it got more serious between us and I „massively disappointed“ her for the first time - yes, I drove weeknights from midnight until 6 morning to pick her up at her flat. Cause she was sick - but 2 days later having not had sleep for more than 3 hours each night after losing the night I drove to her, I didn’t hear my alarm Saturdays morning to pick her up for a local celebration in the city but only woke up at 12 and not 9. after that it was done with her…stayed more months hoping the person I fell in love with would return…she never did…so no, even if you fuck their brains out, make her come always and are the best she ever had, they will not change…
No because they lack the bonding neurochemistry. They binge on dopamine which is what sex is so your just giving them a worse binge into the unhealthy and preventing long term bonding. 😢
@@hspinnovators5516 I'm sorry but that just doesn't make any sense to me.
@@brownell.landrumI thought it would make a difference given that me and my ex of 12 months both said that it was the best sex we’ve ever had and she also said that I was the first man that she has ever truly respected. Neither of these were compelling factors in her deciding to stay instead of leave, nor work on things. She IS in therapy. But she’s avoiding the relationship with me, and ALL relationships, because she doesn’t want to put herself in situations where she feels any pressure or expectation.
I'm going to give a kind of sad answer. The flaw in your logic is that the DA probably doesn't know they have any issue. I say that as a DA learning about this stuff recently. Even if this is a motivator to stay together, the DA wiring doesn't expect you to accept them as they are. They will try to make it work, but in the wrong ways, without being real about their boundaries and preferences. If you are very lucky you will have enough in common that this does move things along, but there is a big risk that they kind of build a facade and then need to escape that facade.
The DA flaw might not be a lack of trying, but the contradiction between wanting acceptance and hiding their true self because they do not believe you will accept them. That's a very difficult contradiction to escape.
So they want everything they are not or “can’t” be
Tbey shut down regardless, if not today then tomorrow, its comin. The sooner the better. Stop waisting your precious years of your life. Life is short. They are not worth it.
This is the problem with society, labels and boxes. Perhaps teach people about their infinite power, how anything and everything is energy.
And we have the power to heal and shift these paradigms that you’re a part in creating.
Be mindful of what you prescribe to as a conscious co-creator.
It’s all about the connection
All these walking eggshell issues to be mindful of just to have the avoidant discard the other partner... it's the worst feeling... right up there with a death in the family... I wouldn't recommend staying with an avoidant once you know that's their attachment style or you're in for some major heartbreak!
Do you offer the fee for IAT by monthly installments?
Yes we do! :) Here is a link if you ever want to book a call and find out more! go.personaldevelopmentschool.com/
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool amazing!!!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool ash, I didn't realise it was for people already in the profession of caring for people. Back to the drawing board 😅
@@jamiejaymee It is for anyone! I'm curious why you thought you already had to be in the field? About 50% of our students actually come from completely unrelated careers and are looking to make a job change!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool oh ok, the info video on the page you have me a link to, Thais said that this was for people who are already professionals.. so I turned it off 👀 maybe I should have listened until the end 😅?
From being around FA, when they want something spicy they can be FOR WARD like almost too obvious
I agree. Very very very forward.
@@freewoman like just straight up saying it
But if you don’t react they feel rejected
@taylorbee4010 yep, always talking about sex. This is a LDR but it's a constant. He says he has been with 600 women. I try not to be judgemental but damn!
This shit is a lie! I’ve done this over and over again and the person has become worse and manipulative. It’s horrible not worth it
Narcissistz
How about environment where they live?
So does ocd in these men?
My ex DA gf was insatiable with me. 12- 20 orgasm nights were frequent. It never translated to emotional with her. Or, I should say - after the 15 month mark- there seemed to be less emotion and less physical affection. I've heard Adam Lane Smith refer to the DA 180 degree turnaround - or " flipping the facade" at about this point : re intimacy.
And experienced a serious coldness from her the last 6 weeks.
I have the same experience, hypersexual for the first year and a half, then a sudden drop off. Also, an interesting thought that I only realised after the breakup and learning about attachment theory, is that she always preferred positions that were less intimate and face to face, avoiding that closer emotional connection, eyes always closed🤔
@@norswil8763I experienced this as well. Kissing at first; minimal ; but hyper sexual; then dropped off ; but eventually kissing stopped and yeah no face to face interactions. Mine was and is only concerned with his own pleasure. I’m just a vessel.
@@norswil8763 wow. I'd say my GF was the same, half-the time. But I actually requested and taught her about eye contact during sex, and she did respond positively. I just sent her a very direct and blunt letter - calling her out on all her dysfunction, bullshit, lies. People in these spaces seem to want to tiptoe around them - but if they don't hear the blunt truth - how the hell will they ever learn - because they don't self-reflect.
@Cre8Fire34 - where does Adam Smith talk about this? Or what videos? I haven’t seen it
@@Cre8Fire34where is the video(s) where Adam talks about this? I haven’t heard about this before and have watched a lot of his video
Once a month was all I was allowed. Holding hands. Hugs. Pecks for kisses. Very closed off with big feelings. He told me he loved me. I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. Never wants to lose me. He was Inconsistent. But talking about things that interests him.he was all for. 5 yrs of this. Cheated on me with and 18 yr old that we have know since she was 12. He left a month and a half ago. Just left the kids and I. Hasn't called, hasn't messaged NOTHING
Does this apply to fearful avoidants?
In my experience the fearful avoidants were more (sometimes significantly) interested in sex than the dismissive avoidants. Sex was a way to satisfy their anxious side. But I don't feel like they got any more out of it then an avoidant does. Because either way the inability to be vulnerable or connected to their emotions meant that it was an almost purely physical act.
In the words of Iron Maiden: Run to the hills. Run for your life
Can an avoidant be a narc
Yes they can have the traits
My avoidant ex only express his love to me verbally during sex .
What you will get if the avoidant does not avoid you is an abusive child they will hold contempt against you as well.
I'm certainly an avoidant since my wife of 20 years destroyed my trust in every single person I ever knew. My children included.
My girl always said sex brought us back together. It’s always so intense even in missionary because we are in love. Make up sex was the best. Whilst on weed it’s like a trance. Anyway she’s blocked me now after I tried to fix a misunderstanding with our friend. Day 9 of no contact
this was so hard to watch wayyyy too many ads on top of there being an ad in the actual video
You muss have the free version of UA-cam. I don't have any commercials or ads. Zero.
Very thorough breakdown. Being a physical/tactile person I tend to connect with women most through s*x. It may explain why I prefer playing the field to serious relationships. 🤔 I'd love to see more of this!
So you essentially prefer to use people ?
@@cspace1234nz no, I prefer to play the field as opposed to being committed. I'm much more career oriented than I am relationship oriented.
@@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g ….yeah ok, so you use people !
That's from the lack of oxytocin and serotonin. It's the dopamine drop
@@hspinnovators5516 well I'm not well versed in the chemical compounds, but what I CAN say is that my career/business goals have shown more consistency in happiness than in relationships. As the late Nipsey Hussle said, "you could wake up to the love of your life one day and they could decide they love someone else. However if you wake up next to a $100 bill, it'll always be a $100 bill." I tend to agree.
Do you think their thinking relates to rape victims in that they never open up to their own issues?
Well huh, Utube will not let me hit your like button.
I am scared that my ex wife if 18 years, apart from 2 with me is feeling about sex with her new boyfriend. Will she be do attracted to that newness keep her further apart from me?
Or a hug
I dated 4 DAs ... not one was capable to do more than kissing or hugging ...
Some pillars are bricks of other pillars such as sex pillar being a brick in the romantic pillar.
My DA would have sex but it wasn’t something they loved doing. 2-3 times a month if I was lucky. 1 time a month on average. And 1 time a month was lucky though periods of our relationship. In the beginning we did it a lot. Later not so much. There was 1 weeks we did it 3 times and she was really fun about it about 5-6 months ago, but that was extremely rare. We were together 18 1/2 years. Now we are separated for 2 months. 😢