She didn't do this on her own. Where are the fathers, and their families? Why aren't they stepping up and helping? Shouldn't they also be taking responsibility for their actions??? Or is it just women and girls who have to clean up everybody's mess.
@@jesspavlichenko5745I agree, the men aren't held accountable but they can disappear rather easily. They aren't going to carry or give birth. A woman bonds with a baby while pregnant, it isn't easy to just deny a baby's existence and men can easily do that since society puts the onus on the woman. After all, a woman needs to take care while pregnant and gives birth and then nurses or if she doesn't nurse will be mostly in charge of taking care of the baby. And seeing as the man's mother KICKED the pregnant girl out that shows you how much accountability he will have. His own parents are acting like the child isn't his responsibility. If they cared to raise a decent man they'd have kept her in the home for the baby's sake. Unless she did something illegal?
I’ll never forget when I checked myself into inpatient psych treatment after 6 months of severe depression, the most impactful thing my dad said to me was, “whatever has happened, whatever mistakes and bad choices you made, it is all forgiven…now let’s get you better.” That kind of love is the best motivation there is.😮
But it took you to hit rock bottom to appreciate his words. If you hadn't hit that point, you might've not cared. I don't think the caller's daughter has hit rock bottom yet.
@@grimeeeeeyyou have no way of knowing that, and “rock bottom” is not a fixed point, it varies from person to person day to day situation to situation. A lot of people don’t survive their loved one’s idea of “rock bottom”, and could have used the support a lot sooner
Spoil your children, raise your grandchildren. Raise your children, spoil your grandchildren. My parents let me know exactly the expectations they had of me whilst living in their home, failure to adhere to those expectations would have had consequences. When there is always a safety net there is no fear of falling.
It's fine to have a safety net for your kids. After all, they should feel supported. The issue here is that this girl took a pair of scissors and cut straight through the safety net by making poor decisions.
It sounded like the dad was a good man. I think despite parents' best intentions and actions, kids eventually make their own choices for better and in this case, worse.
i spoiled my son, gave him everything i didn't have since i was dirt poor. ive been very blessed and im in the 1% income. with that said my son is a cadet in west-point doing amazing. so what your saying is not 100% correct.
What happens when she gets pregnant for a third time? This doesn’t solve the problem, this girl needs to be responsible for her own actions and the consequences of them.
My cousin had a baby at 16 one at 18 one at 19 with three different guys all in prison now while she was in and out of prison herself for drugs. The only thing that stopped her from having more babies was she died from an overdose. Her parents have had the three kids since day one. Her dad is in a wheelchair now from a heart attack because of her and the mom is disabled left with all the work. Their daughter ruined their lives. Very sad. This girl needs tough love!
She is not sober. She is not willing to live at home because she wants to continue to live that lifestyle. Be sure you don’t make your first grandchild’s home unstable
Exactly, if you have sexual relations, you choose the possibility of becoming a parent, especially if you do it without a condom. Sex exists for a reason and that is to create a human being.
She is too far gone. She does not need them to enable her the streets are enabling her at this stage. That's why she does not want to go home. She will do whatever she wants she is grown up now.
You lost that freedom when you decided to have a kid at 16. You can't continue to blame your parents for being controlling when you pop out a kid at 16, neglect the baby, become a drug addict, then have another kid with another dude. She is lost and need a ton of therapy. The parents are saints for still wanting to help her at this point.
if she is an addict, she either gets the spiral or a birth control shot every 3 months (doctors might not like that, if she is that young). Or she gets the pill and takes it every day in front of her mother. - or early abortion.
You are clueless if you think there is not a ton of trauma behind the situation. Birth control is far from free and accessible in the US, which makes the rate of unwanted pregnancies so much higher than in any other developed country. When you are on drug, you are not responsible. No one is responsible while high, and it's really insane to think that anyone would be.
Hate to be someone who throws stones from a glass house, but two unplanned pregnancies with two different guys in your teens? You gotta be more responsible than that.
Where's the line for responsible, what about people who have kids intentionally so they can get welfare benefits??? They have 4 with one on the way, while the 12 month old sits filthy all day. The other kids get no attention. Mom and Dad's only concern is getting laid.
I personally wouldn’t allow my young adult child back in my home without restrictions with a three year old living in my home. She’s old enough to cause havoc in the home and possibly cause harm to the child.
Exactly. Besides, she may not be allowed to live with her first child based on the court order. This guy needs to let it go. Really. Let her stay in the shelter. It’s safe there.
But that's not what he said. He said first build a connection and trust. Don't START with restrictions etc. Meet for breakfast, just try to rebuild the relationship. Time for restrictions will come, he said. For instance is she decides to move back in.
Being homeless is DANGEROUS for a child. When a person has no place to live, that person runs into a lot of shady characters who can harm the woman and the child. The woman needs to come home but no drugs.
Do you have any idea how bad those are? Deppo jacks up a woman so badly... thyroids are underactive and serious weight gain. All these birth controls and IUDs make hair fall out and more. The government needs to stop rewarding single motherhood.
Not the only solution she needs but okay. Her actual deep seated issues are what need to be fixed. Birth control is not going to fix this girl? It’s a bandaid like a prescription for symptoms. She needs a job, confidence, and a future and not to be in the depths of despair like she clearly is already in.
The indulgence I hear in dad’s voice is exactly why she is the way she is. She’ll end up with 3, maybe even 4 kids. And dad & mom will raise them all, probably bc they spoiled her rotten & had zero boundaries
Yeah that's garbage. That's the kind of excuse people use in order to abuse their children. I had no boundaries. I didn't have a lot of rules. I was spoiled. I did hear the word no. And I was held responsible when I made mistakes. But I didn't make the much because the boundaries to making a mistake were pretty f****** high. I have a successful relationship. I'm engaged . We have a happy, healthy relationship. We have disagreements we never fight. I have lifelong well-maintained friendships. I'm very very close with my mother and my father. I'm close with all my family except one cousin. And nobody talks to that cousin. I have a job that pays well that I love that. I'm excited to go to everyday. And then I volunteer my time working with people who escape you and drop again. I rescue animals. You don't need to be a disciplinary punishment. Angry kind of parent to have a healthy, happy adult. In fact, all my friends that were under really strict parenting have no self-confidence. No happiness them in their life and are so afraid to upset everyone. Ridiculous.
This was my parents with my oldest brother. He is now 31, living in a trailer park with three children he unfit to care for, running from debt collectors, and burned every bridge in the family. It doesn’t get better. Stop enabling your already spoiled children. My oldest brother never has had to face hard consequences and is a failure because of it. All the touchy-feely good stuff John and Frank are doing and advocating for will not work on someone not emotionally mature enough to pick through. That daughter will only see it that her parents, yet again, will continue to bail her out when she makes poor choices. Stop caring for her. It sucks that she has made this your lot in life, it is not fair. But this is the price of never allowing your child to fail.
While my daughter was in active drug addiction, I had to distance myself from her. I love her, but she always manipulated me. I never wanted to be the person that provided her with that $10-$20 that caused her overdose. She had so many convincing lies.
I had to do the same with some alcoholics in my family. I couldn't do anything that could kill them. But being around them drained me of all kinds of resources, and would end up costing me my future. Sometimes you have to love people from a distance.
My mom did that to me, I got an ultimatum to stop doing drugs or move out. And I left, and they didn't offer me any support. I was homeless for several years and found myself in some dangerous situations that should have gotten me killed and arrested. I'm so greatful to her. The only way I was able to pull myself out of addiction was when I got pregnant, and realized why my mom did what she did. I'm over 5 years clean now, with a 4 year old. My mom and I are close again, and were able to build our relationship back over the years, to the point where she trusted me enough to cosign on the home I live in now. If she hasn't come back around, I hope she will soon. I know my mom had a really difficult time through those years and I'm sorry you're having to go through that.
That's why she got pregnant for the second time because they made it so easy for the first time. If you're having a hard time with the first one, why not protect yourself from getting pregnant the second time.
That is NOT how it works, because pregnancy takes a toll, she would ALSO have gotten pregnant if the first time was really hard. Did you think of the child when you wrote this ? People that feel in control of their life and have control of their life (to the degree like that would be normal for a 16 or 19 year old) CAN also CONTROL their FERTILITY. But the instinct to procreate prevails, especially if people are stressed out or are not in a place of reasonable self control.
You are not going to be able to support her. Don't let her back into your home. She is probably going to have 5-6 more. You need to get life insurance and a will. You won't have retirement. You will be raising ALL of her kids. Buckle Up. Face Facts. Good Luck.
It’s so sad, but yeah. What does one do when the daughter is destined for that? I guess if they want their daughter in their life then they will have to accept taking care of all of their grandchildren and future grandchildren.
I had a friend whose mom always cleaned up her messes. She’s now a 40 yo alcoholic; in/out rehab, can’t keep a job, dysfunctional & sometimes violent relationships, etc. Love with appropriate boundaries creates responsible and capable adults. Enabling bad behavior doesn’t help anyone although it looks like support on the surface.
Are you sure that your friend doesn't have a borderline personality disorder like bipolar or something? Those things that you mentioned (alcoholism, not being able to keep a job, toxic relationships) are a common theme with people who have BPDs
Yeah, enabling isn't good, but it isn't the reason that people are alcoholics, that's mainly genetic and sometimes triggered by traumatic experiences. I have two close friends who come from really excellent, stable families, that have brothers who are out of control drug addicts. They had love and structure growing up and it didn't prevent the disease. In any case, what Dr. John is saying here isn't enabling, because he isn't allowing the daughter to live in their house while she uses, or giving her money to go use.
I was this girl. I am now 50 and when I look back on how my parents handled me, I cry. They were always there for me. They, to this day, are a huge influence on my kids. I moved in and out several times trying to make a life for my kids. And I always ended up back at home. Eventually I got it together. They never judged, criticized but I did feel their disappointment in my choices. And that was harder then their words. My kids and I always had a roof and food in out belly but everything else was my responsibility. I love my parents and I was never mad at them or felt they treated my unfairly but I was the bad decision queen. I just couldn't stop making stupid choices. The advice you gave this man was spot on. He just alway needs to be there and be available. I did not have an issue with drugs, so to say, but I was a party girl. Her father sounds loving and really wants to see her succeed and that is always a good thing. My children to this day have a very close relationship with my parents unlike any of my other nieces and nephews and I am very grateful for that. My parents are getting older and all I know to do at this point in their life is to be there for them they way they were for me. Hang in there dad, she's going to be fine with parents like you. Additionally, reading some of the comments from some of you people makes me very grateful none of you were my parents. I was allowed to learn and grow with the "soft cushion" of noting I'd never be hungry or homeless. I, along with the help of my parents, raised 2 amazing kids. I eventually married a man who helped me raise the kids and was a better father to them then their biological fathers ever were....and it wasn't for lack of trying on my part. Some guys just can't pull it together enough to do the right thing. I'm glad my life was the way it was...otherwise I'd have ended up living in a trailer park somewhere. No child is hopeless, each child deserves a chance. At some point she'll have to take responsibility and the best any parent can do is be there for her until they can't. Man, some of y'all are hateful.
Whaaattt? You think life today will afford any "party girl" the opportunity to hop in and out of her Parent's life? I take my hat off to your Parents, but boy oh boy, they should've kicked your arse. And yeah we know - you'll NEVER be able to pay them back for all the heartache you caused. Overstayed your welcome in Lalaland - posting it on YT for the world to read...smh. This call is all about a DRUG ADDICT.
@jazinegrrrl I think people seem to think whatever their parents did was the right thing. People whose parents were strict think that that's what kept them on the rails. But people whose parents were loving know best 😊
I think some of the comments are coming from a place of annoyance. People don't like it when others life choices impact loving and caring people. If someone is given the opportunity to succeed then it is more annoying when a child does not vs the child with crap parents and way less opportunities. The latter situation is more understandable imo. Like i did not grow up with a dad and was not the crazy party kid ,did well in school etc..so when I see a person with 2 parents who are kind and gave them opportunities AND they still act like a crazy person it is so annoying to me tbh. I feel they should be doing waay better than myself not the opposite. And yes I know that everyone learns differently and some prefer the school of hard knocks. That said I would like to be that kind of parent who is there for their kid even though it would annoy me given my feelings.
Live the life you want. Party all you want, drug all you want, sex with all the trolls you want But for god’s and society’s sake-DON’T HAVE KIDS…PLEASE!!
She needs to step up and take care of her kids. I know other young mothers who did it. They sacrificed but did a good job. She should move back home, get a job and get child support from the fathers. She’s lucky her family is helping.
Good idea. And the young men who were there should be held accountable too. And if they can't then their families should be participating. Lets remember its not just the young women who are responsible.
@Onion Potato most likely they are happy that there Son walked away from that relationship. Had a nice that had that happen. The father never laid eyes on that child and his parents never ones inquired about it or helped out. There are people who just don’t care about the actions of there Children. And these very religious people.
I have an adopted niece and nephew that were invited back in. Both adult age. They both continued to use drugs against house rules. They were verbally abusive and completely uninterested in being family members. They were asked to leave. I get wanting to help family, but not at the expense of peace in the home. Can't let people bring the whole ship down with them.
No, John. I watch older people take their grandkids, spend their retirement savings raising a new group of kids, and go into the grave early. She is 19. She had a shot with the first baby. She is now on her own. My next-door neighbor is 59 years old. She is raising a 13 year old, 7, 4 years old, and a 7 month old.
I feel like this third chance is a must. There's a good chance the parents were more controlling than loving and never really connected with her, she never had a chance to learn to become an adult who knows how to control their feelings. I remember my dad telling me all day that me playing video games or "wasting time" in other ways is stupid and disappointing and therefore forcing me to read books or punishing me with chores to the point where I was afraid of leaving my room to run into him (at some point he just took my door so I couldn't hide anymore) , but never actually sat down with me to talk. His intentions were good but the means weren't, and now I carry a lot of shame and anxiety that affect me in basically every way, and it all coul've been avoided with just getting together and talking like human beings instead of master to slave.
@Amber57499 It’s too bad your dad didn’t try to make a connection with you. Chores are absolutely something that should be part of a kid’s life, and playing video games is definitely a waste of time. It sounds like he should’ve spent more quality time with you to pull you away, rather than just shaming you.
She’s 19 but her development is arrested. She’s functioning at a lower age level. Something happened to her that effected her self worth and is the root of this reckless behaviour.
Agreed. I think we're starting to see the impact of permissive parenting and helicopter parenting. Parents control every aspect of their kids life and it doesn't allow them to Foster independent decision making. It makes the children feel incompetent and stupid because the parents control every aspect of their lives. Now of course, it could be something way worse but I see a lot of this. There are people who don't have a lot of outwardly visible trauma and they are low functioning. The overly controlling parent breeds codependency. People get confused because the control isn't violent or aggressive like an authoritarian parent. The permissive parent is trying to be helpful. They're trying to make their child happy. They failed to understand that doing everything for someone cripples them and leave them feeling worthless because they can't be trusted to function normally
I had my first at 19, my parents didn’t make it easy, but they were supportive. I didn’t have my second until I was 23, married the father, and we’d bought a house. I feel like it’s a balance of being supportive but making your kid take responsibility.
SAME! Had my first at 20 and my 2nd at 25. Married, with a home and never asked a penny from anyone. Sometimes taking responsibility for your own actions is great. You learn from your past.
So, the parents taught her that they will raise her children. Sounds like they were being responsible for the 1st one while she was out getting them a 2nd. The daughter’s daily responsibilities: School. Homework. Childcare.
Well that child would be in foster care so for the baby’s sake it is good her parents adopted her. The fault isn’t the parents but the drug addicted daughter.
One or my relatives took on her sons child when he was 17. The mother didn’t want the child. He now has FIVE kids with four different women living at home with his parents and they are raising the kids. He is 35 and doesn’t do a thing.
@@bebop504The dad said she needs to go back to school. Being educated will give her a better opportunity to be more financially responsible to provide for her own children.
My parents have 7 daughters and they let us know that if we had a baby we would be raising that child cause they have lives. They let us know all we would have to give up if we wanted to act grown.
My parents put me on birth control when I was sixteen, it was the 90s and I remember people being upset by the choice. By the time I graduated I knew of a dozen girls with babies. One guy had two girls preggo at once. I was the girl who went to college and waited until marriage and planned her kids. And you know what? I still ended up back at mom and dad's a single mom with two kids and a pile of debt.
So you ended up a divorced mom - not a single one it looks like... How did wait for marriage, yet you were on birth control in high school?! 😅 Come on now 🙄 -
She will never accept their rules or change her ways until she hits rock bottom. Apparently living in a shelter isn't rock bottom enough for her. That's very scary.
@sparklesp9304 I believe we can change society through a deeper understanding of what causes the behaviors. It is not about excusing or justifying behaviors. It is about identifying root causes and understanding what we can change and address earlier in life with children. We have created all this generational trauma. Judgement and condemnation do not change anything.
@TiffanyErin Lots of 16 year olds have sex. That's not necessarily hyper-sexual, just hyper irresponsible to get pregnant twice. Drugs might be weed and that's very different than heroin. I've never had a drink in my 38 years but I get that what my parents would consider wild behavior is pretty normal for most. Sometimes very conservative parents don't give their kids the tools to cope with regular life because they want to protect them from it.
As a product of teen pregnancy… I’m in my later 30s now let me say it’s not fun. Stop having babies as a baby. Luckily my situation was not your stereotypical situation where my parents kept having babies and were on assistance. But the emotional maturity a child needs from a parent is not there. I hate when I hear “young parents” usually single moms say “we grew up together” etc. no! A child needs a parent who is a grown up already. There’s a lot to overcome that isn’t always listed in statistics. Birth control is FREE in many cases as are condoms or you can just not have sex. You have to stop being selfish when you become a parent no matter how young you are. I hope this daughter and her parents can get things worked out for the sake of her children and herself.
I had my first son sophomore year of college. I wanted to come home and have my mom take care of me. She said no. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I married his dad. I’m still married to him ❤. We moved into a studio apartment with our baby son. It put a fire under our asses and he finished college with an engineering degree and I finished college and went on to graduate school. Looking at our baby boy and his needs for safety made us realize that we needed to do better and we did. All because my parents and my husband’s mom said no.
Maybe she's still on drugs, & she feels guilty. Maybe that's why dhe was kicked out of other situation. Druggies don't usually just dtop. They're addicted! Shd might need to have thdm tskdn away. Maybe best for the child.
This isn’t good for everyone and honestly I think you two still would’ve done good if you stayed. If my husband’s mum kicked us out we would be homeless because I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Instead she encouraged us to finish college and SAVE so we can potentially buy a house in the future.
As someone who has had a son ravaged by drugs, I’m so relieved to hear you give advise that is compassionate. Over and over again we were told to show “tough love” to him and it never worked. The only thing that has worked is unconditional love, compassion and understanding. And he’s still alive today and I have no doubt he will live a fulfilling life. We learned after over five years of multiple overdoses and in and out of treatment, that trauma is at the root of nearly all addiction. And that all the research has shown that tough love doesn’t work. It’s an old school approach.
Thank you. Some of these other comments are so disgusting. No one seems to want to address what this child might have gone through in her home that made her turn to sex and drugs in the first place.
My mother giving me unconditional love fills me with shame and guilt and the drive to recover so I can repay even an ounce of the grace she's given me. For me tough love would have had me dead. I think things would have been much better if she'd let me die, but she didn't. I'm determined to repay her and am afraid I'll never be able to. Her unconditional love has hurt her more than it has helped me, and it's not fair. I hope to be 1/4 the mother she is. I am determined to make it worth it to her, but she already thinks it's been worth it. I'm ashamed every day of my life that I'm a curse
@@bufficliff8978- you gotta learn to forgive yourself. That’s part of the healing process. Your mom doesn’t want you beating yourself up. You can talk to her about it and see what she says.
Real question and I'm not being sarcastic, so please don't take it that way, but how did you turn out? With the tough love, if any, you received from your parents? Did you hit rock bottom and decide to get your act together or are you still spiraling?
@@mekeiawatson I didn't get my act together until after I got married to a stable man who helped me work through years of built up mental health issues. I've been married 22 years and I continue to be a work in progress. Because the relationship with my mom was so volatile growing up, I took a totally different approach to parenting my son; with love, grace and mercy. Now he's 21 and in ministry school and works as a youth pastor.
I don't know what country your in, but most children over 5 aren't adopted, especially if they are brown/black.... Great that you know people, but that isn't reality.
I can't believe you actually asked this question, have you ever given away a biological child for adoption? It's one of the hardest experiences a human being can have after bonding with the fetus for 9 months, going through a harrowing delivery, and then feeling that rush of oxytocin to bond. God bless the selfless women who are able to do what's best for their child, but it's cruel for you to minimize their pain. Also, it sounds like the caller IS working to adopt this baby, no one has ruled out adoption here, I don't understand your comment.
Adoption can only happen once parental rights are legally terminated. It sounds like the daughter is not willing to legally terminate her parental rights. That’s why the adoption process is more difficult and drawn out in this case. This is the same reason why the majority of children and foster care in the US will never be eligible for adoption, because even though their parents lost custody, that’s not the same thing as termination of parental rights.
we cater too much to our kids when pregnant...imo.tell them the rules early on.... we will not be raising your children.its hard enough to raise our own.sorry...facts.your the soon to be parent you figure it out.sounds cold but your kids need to know early on the facts.
This is so upsetting. I feel for him and I worry so much for this second child. These grandparents deserve to enjoy their grandchildren without the burden of being their guardian. I think the most pressing thing right now is to ensure that she is off drugs immediately. I wish them well 😕
@@MRkriegs this father is too passive. He knew his daughter had ODD, which is a severe mental health disorder, but he never got her any diagnosis, which means she never got treatment because you need to have an ODD diagnosis to get the proper treatment. Instead, he just stuck his head in the sand and just hoped things would magically get better? IDK but clearly he never actually wanted to have the difficult conversations with his daughter, which is how this situation eventually came to be.
Isn’t wonderful she had her father in her home & he is talking to Dr. John desperate to help his daughter improve her situation. Thankful for responsible, loving fathers who walk the walk.
Dad, what are you going to do if there is 7 children by the time she is 30 ? She might be irresponsible her whole life. Offer her $3000 to get an apt, on the condition She gets her tubes tied. The delivery doctor will be happy to do it at the same time of the birth. Tell her she can drop off the baby for babysitting while she goes to her job everyday. At least you will only have the 2 grand babies to worry about and one immature daughter.
My daughter at 19 years old, has one child. I adore my granddaughter, she a sweet baby indeed. I have already strongly advised her not to have a second one until she’s a married woman. If she does not listen, that’s all on her and her responsibility.
She shouldn't have had the 1st baby and she shouldn't be having this one. But it's too late for that. The fact she'd rather live in a shelter rather than these people says it all. She's an adult now, they can't punish her anymore
Sounds like she just wants to be the one to call the shots. Her parents won't let her go drinking or do drugs.. probably similar rules at the shelter but she perceives she has a say in that
This man loves his daughter so much, it's all kinds of sad that his kindness is being pooped on with an attitude, but HOW can she behave as an adult, if she never faces consequences.
An imperfect scenario for this father. His choice is to try and help how he can which will prevent drastic consequences that would “scare her” into changing somehow in theory. But the alternative option is setting her loose to experience all possible harm which is going to be immensely hard for a father to do. The balance of the right thing is challenging and realistically it doesn’t matter what consequences she does or doesn’t face nothing can change until she wants it to change even if she hits challenges.
My mother got pregnant with me at 14. My grandparents left her with the full responsibility of raising me. It was obviously difficult but she figured it out and never had any more children. I’m now college educated and completely self sufficient. Sometimes the best thing you can do is let your children deal with the consequences of their actions. She will never learn if she doesn’t feel the burn.
People who go down this path are usually troubled/traumatised and/or have mental health issues… kids don’t go off the rails for no apparent reason… Gabor Maté, ‘it’s not why the addiction but why the pain?’ Not saying what she is doing it right, but usually there is a reason behind it.
One word stsrting from the first pregnancy...ADOPTION! 👍🏼 If I was this parent, I would LOVE to see that child grow up in a two parent home, mom and dad, and loved with no drama. ADOPTION! ❤
@@horizonkyun7203Sadly, adoption doesn’t guarantee a permanent two-parent home with unconditional love. And grandparents raising grandchildren they weren’t LONGING to raise full time is not ideal either.
She wants to be the one to call all the shots. I think some kids are like this regardless of parenting. I was. I think she will try on her own and come back on her own terms. Maybe others at the shelter will ask about her plans and the right kind of outside influence can help. Maybe dad could even call the shelter and see if there's any mentors there that could guide her in the coming months
Hi there. Can I ask a question? I have a sister who is similar to the daughter described in the video and found your comment interesting. Why did you want to call the shots as a teen? I'm just trying to understand my sister a bit better
My son also had 2nd Baby on the way by age 19. I had to Baby sit for them (Dad & Mom) to Graduate! My son was a disaster for a while… high school, part time job, baby & he was hanging around with horrible friends (some drugs) I backed up 0 money & zero help after Mom graduated. He cleaned up … left to the Army he did 4 years… now he is a Sheriff Deputy and doing very good. Yes help her but put boundaries and push her to Fly solo. She can do it! ❤
I am quite certain if I had birthed two children out of wedlock while in my teens, my parents would have written me off and told me good luck raising them on my own. My mom might have let me live at home for a while so the children didn't suffer but you can bet she would not have made life easy for me and it would have been my job to take care of them.
My mom wasn't as young when she started but she was 19 and just as immature. Every 4 years a new baby came. My grandmother didn't hold her responsible. She just allowed her to do her thing. Well instead of enjoying retirement she was raising her grandchildren. It was a blessing in disguise though because my mother was/is beyond unfit to raise us.
They've already put up with 3 years of b.s. from her, bad behavior, etc. There's a small difference between enabling and offering support. There has to be boundaries. How many babies will she have before they quit? I know a father who took possession of his daughter's 7 drug addicted babies, one after another. On number 8, he finally drew the line. By then, he was ruined financially, and was an old man raising a large family.
Thank God the first baby is safe, the second one is on the line. My heart pains for these parents. Let’s face it this young woman can keep having kids.
Get counseling for the 19 yr old daughter. She wasn't given the proper emotional support growing up. She was either neglected, or she was coddled and not guided. That's why she was sleeping around and doing drugs at age 16. Shocker.
Idk about this. How many times does someone, who is completely unprepared to be a mom, need to get pregnant before they learn? I cannot imagine having parents like this 19 y.o.s parents. I cannot imagine BEING a parent like these parents. It’s amazing how much they have to give. That girl has no concept of how lucky she is!
Let her stay in the shelter. She must abide by your rules if she is going to move back home. (Personally, I probably wouldn’t let her back). She needs some tough love. She has to grow up. She chose to fool around. She must take responsibility for herself now.
My wife's mom always used to tell her: "do you want to study, or do you want to go work?" Meaning: I'm more than happy to pay for your education, but if you become pregnant before you're done with your study, I'll quit paying, and you're going to have to find yourself a job. That worked very well.
I find nothing more patronizing than when a parent calls their adult children "my baby". We as parents need to recognize when our children are not babies anymore. That said. Good call Dr.
Such great advice - wayword children of this age are so difficult to deal with. You know and fear what can happen to them, but have very little recourse. It takes a mountain of emotional maturity and restraint to get through to them, which sometimes doesn't happen no matter what you do, especially since they often feed off your reactions. I'm keeping you and your daughter in my prayers, and hope everything turns out well for your family.
She MUST play by any decent rule her parents give over this situation. Give grace yes, but there are consequences to actions too. Don't baby that girl so much that you enable bad behaviour in her. If she doesn't feel some of the heat from this, dont be shocked if child 3 comes out of wedlock, hopefully not. Love and Grace, yes, but responsibility and consequences too.
This just sucks:( We all have our struggles. I appreciate this channel because it keeps me in check when I start to feel sorry for myself. Or feel like I have/have had it so rough. We’re all going through our own BS
A friend of ours daughter got pregnant at 16 by a married man, parents took the kid to raise and guess what, she got a second kid for the same married man. They're all leaving together. When there's no consequences they don't learn any lessons.
I think everybody in the comments is missing out on saying one thing What an incredible father. So supportive and caring. I've had friends in Similar situations whose Dads have kicked them out and cut off contact
I love your advice, it's absolutely 100% unconditional love for our own children. It's what they always need to know. The parents love for them. Yahweh bless you
A shelter may be the best option at the moment. Professionals will be guiding her to reality. It’s nice to have parents involved in this process. It’s not likely to go well if this lady continues to live a chaotic life, with 2 kids.
Why don't more people encourage adoption? Its very easy to adopt out a newborn. People are literally lining up for newborns. You have so many options as a birth mom you can choose the couple you see as best fit.
If she has ODD, then all will explode and crumble the minute she doesn't like a rule in your house and she doesn't want to follow it. I have a child with ODD and you have to let them learn (if they do) the hard way. It's heartbreaking to watch them make horrible choices.
As a 19 year old who had ODD that devolved into conduct disorder this isn't the case for everyone. I found a way to control it using logic, for example work. Ive held down my job for a year and a half. Parly due to my boss understanding me and that I don't just react for no reason but mostly due to me finding self-control in logicing why i shouldn't do what i want. My mom took a similar approach as you and it really messed up my life. Im not trying to bash you im just saying you don't have to go the hard way. If 1+1=2 then my reaction to a rule or person shouldn't be 4. As your kid grows a phrase that helped me alot is actions have consequences and consequences hurt other people. Right now she might not care about other people but when she grows up itll come. Best of wishes I know its hard, I was horrible to my mom but things are better now. Things will get better for you.
After raising my own 3 children, I can promise I will not be raising anymore. I’ll love my grandchildren and be part of their life, but I would never agree to be their primary caregiver
I love this Dad. Takes care of the grandkids. Gets a court order. Has strict rules for daughter as long as she is under their roof. Not bad mouthing baby daddies in front of grandkids. We need more dads like him. I'm sure they let the daughter get away with a lot now they are making up for their actions. Good example of learning how to parent better as they as parents mature. As the old saying "we were growing up too". Glad at least the one grandkid is safe. Daughter has a bumpy road ahead of codependency, mental illness, and reckless behavior.
@@Lady.Luck. What does that have to do with the unfortunate situation of women continuing to choose to lay with the most bottom of the barrel men on the planet?
@@smokeythebear6689 She's an adult, so what exactly could he do? You can't stop an adult from doing whatever they want or banging whoever they want, you can't save other adults from their own stupidity.
She is an adult and a parent. She doesn't get to be carefree and act like a teenager. Time for her to take responsibility for her actions.
Yep…but she won’t and the kid(s) will pay!
Many teenagers don't use illicit drugs though.
She didn't do this on her own. Where are the fathers, and their families? Why aren't they stepping up and helping? Shouldn't they also be taking responsibility for their actions??? Or is it just women and girls who have to clean up everybody's mess.
@camillagonzales2409 then maybe those kids dads should step up to the plate instead of pretending it isn't their problem
@@jesspavlichenko5745I agree, the men aren't held accountable but they can disappear rather easily. They aren't going to carry or give birth. A woman bonds with a baby while pregnant, it isn't easy to just deny a baby's existence and men can easily do that since society puts the onus on the woman. After all, a woman needs to take care while pregnant and gives birth and then nurses or if she doesn't nurse will be mostly in charge of taking care of the baby.
And seeing as the man's mother KICKED the pregnant girl out that shows you how much accountability he will have. His own parents are acting like the child isn't his responsibility. If they cared to raise a decent man they'd have kept her in the home for the baby's sake. Unless she did something illegal?
I’ll never forget when I checked myself into inpatient psych treatment after 6 months of severe depression, the most impactful thing my dad said to me was, “whatever has happened, whatever mistakes and bad choices you made, it is all forgiven…now let’s get you better.” That kind of love is the best motivation there is.😮
But it took you to hit rock bottom to appreciate his words. If you hadn't hit that point, you might've not cared. I don't think the caller's daughter has hit rock bottom yet.
@@grimeeeeeyyou have no way of knowing that, and “rock bottom” is not a fixed point, it varies from person to person day to day situation to situation.
A lot of people don’t survive their loved one’s idea of “rock bottom”, and could have used the support a lot sooner
But your dad wasn’t raising your bad choices for the next twenty years. That’s the big difference.
@@Tamara-id1peHaving to get professional treatment with the help of another individual sounds pretty close to me.
@@Tamara-id1peRock bottom does not vary. The response to it does.
Spoil your children, raise your grandchildren. Raise your children, spoil your grandchildren. My parents let me know exactly the expectations they had of me whilst living in their home, failure to adhere to those expectations would have had consequences. When there is always a safety net there is no fear of falling.
EXCELLENT advise. Too bad most people today don't do this, our society would be so much different. My parents were the same way as yours.
It's fine to have a safety net for your kids. After all, they should feel supported. The issue here is that this girl took a pair of scissors and cut straight through the safety net by making poor decisions.
Amen!
It sounded like the dad was a good man. I think despite parents' best intentions and actions, kids eventually make their own choices for better and in this case, worse.
i spoiled my son, gave him everything i didn't have since i was dirt poor. ive been very blessed and im in the 1% income. with that said my son is a cadet in west-point doing amazing. so what your saying is not 100% correct.
What happens when she gets pregnant for a third time? This doesn’t solve the problem, this girl needs to be responsible for her own actions and the consequences of them.
One word…Sterilization!!
its been a year, willing to bet she has another one........i wonder what they r up to.
Exactly!!
🎵 Birth control🎶
My cousin had a baby at 16 one at 18 one at 19 with three different guys all in prison now while she was in and out of prison herself for drugs. The only thing that stopped her from having more babies was she died from an overdose. Her parents have had the three kids since day one. Her dad is in a wheelchair now from a heart attack because of her and the mom is disabled left with all the work. Their daughter ruined their lives. Very sad. This girl needs tough love!
She is not sober. She is not willing to live at home because she wants to continue to live that lifestyle. Be sure you don’t make your first grandchild’s home unstable
when you have a baby as a teenager, you're not a teenager anymore. you're a parent.
Exactly, if you have sexual relations, you choose the possibility of becoming a parent, especially if you do it without a condom. Sex exists for a reason and that is to create a human being.
Make sure that statement applies to the boy as, well as the girl.
Except you have the brain of a teenager, so this is a really unhelpful and untrue statement.
@teza2922 it's allso for bonding in couples.
@@Heavens-Humanaterian-Army well yes of course but i think people forget the biggest purpose. Also were a condum
She's going to keep having kids as long as you enabler her.
She'll prob keep popping them out regardless sadly.
Don't know why other people aren't saying this. The parents are enabling her.
She is too far gone. She does not need them to enable her the streets are enabling her at this stage. That's why she does not want to go home. She will do whatever she wants she is grown up now.
She’s going to continue to have kids even if they don’t enable her.
@@texasgoddess323 Then she can deal with the consequences.
You lost that freedom when you decided to have a kid at 16. You can't continue to blame your parents for being controlling when you pop out a kid at 16, neglect the baby, become a drug addict, then have another kid with another dude. She is lost and need a ton of therapy. The parents are saints for still wanting to help her at this point.
if she is an addict, she either gets the spiral or a birth control shot every 3 months (doctors might not like that, if she is that young). Or she gets the pill and takes it every day in front of her mother. - or early abortion.
Birth control is free if you want it. Why not use it.
@@xyzsame4081 you do realise they can't force her into BC, and abortion she has to consent to which she's clearly not going to do
You are clueless if you think there is not a ton of trauma behind the situation. Birth control is far from free and accessible in the US, which makes the rate of unwanted pregnancies so much higher than in any other developed country. When you are on drug, you are not responsible. No one is responsible while high, and it's really insane to think that anyone would be.
@@xyzsame4081 There are implants, vaginal rings, IUDs.
Hate to be someone who throws stones from a glass house, but two unplanned pregnancies with two different guys in your teens? You gotta be more responsible than that.
Could’ve been 2 abortions
@@cjlive5182 Good way to look at it! I'm proud she didn't get abortions.
Where's the line for responsible, what about people who have kids intentionally so they can get welfare benefits??? They have 4 with one on the way, while the 12 month old sits filthy all day. The other kids get no attention. Mom and Dad's only concern is getting laid.
@@baraka7004 I hate people like that
And the burden--because that's what it is, will fall on the extended family which is not fair. Birth control is widely available. Use it!
Let her stay at shelter. Until she's ready to change her ways and be responsible for her babies. They are too nice, that's the problem.
Totally agree: She’s an adult (19) & that is what she is choosing!
The parents are huge enablers. After the first baby, they should have enrolled her into a military academy or a Christian boarding school.
I wish you were wrong about shelter but you are probably right with shelter.
They need to practice tough love instead of coddling her.
This will not work…. She will keep getting pregnant
I personally wouldn’t allow my young adult child back in my home without restrictions with a three year old living in my home. She’s old enough to cause havoc in the home and possibly cause harm to the child.
Exactly. Besides, she may not be allowed to live with her first child based on the court order. This guy needs to let it go. Really. Let her stay in the shelter. It’s safe there.
But that's not what he said. He said first build a connection and trust. Don't START with restrictions etc. Meet for breakfast, just try to rebuild the relationship. Time for restrictions will come, he said. For instance is she decides to move back in.
Being homeless is DANGEROUS for a child. When a person has no place to live, that person runs into a lot of shady characters who can harm the woman and the child. The woman needs to come home but no drugs.
@@joane24 the daughter is already shady and makes bad choices so this is the consequence.
No one is suggesting they don’t have boundaries
She needs to get on long term birth control like Depo Provera or an IUD. The obgyn should have provided her that after her first birth.
Do you have any idea how bad those are? Deppo jacks up a woman so badly... thyroids are underactive and serious weight gain. All these birth controls and IUDs make hair fall out and more. The government needs to stop rewarding single motherhood.
The methods you mention are dangerous.
She needs condoms.
Terrible take. She needs to go to church and stop having premarital sex.
Not the only solution she needs but okay. Her actual deep seated issues are what need to be fixed. Birth control is not going to fix this girl? It’s a bandaid like a prescription for symptoms. She needs a job, confidence, and a future and not to be in the depths of despair like she clearly is already in.
Apparently someone erased my comment.
The indulgence I hear in dad’s voice is exactly why she is the way she is. She’ll end up with 3, maybe even 4 kids. And dad & mom will raise them all, probably bc they spoiled her rotten & had zero boundaries
Yeah that's garbage. That's the kind of excuse people use in order to abuse their children. I had no boundaries. I didn't have a lot of rules. I was spoiled. I did hear the word no. And I was held responsible when I made mistakes. But I didn't make the much because the boundaries to making a mistake were pretty f****** high. I have a successful relationship. I'm engaged . We have a happy, healthy relationship. We have disagreements we never fight. I have lifelong well-maintained friendships. I'm very very close with my mother and my father. I'm close with all my family except one cousin. And nobody talks to that cousin. I have a job that pays well that I love that. I'm excited to go to everyday. And then I volunteer my time working with people who escape you and drop again. I rescue animals. You don't need to be a disciplinary punishment. Angry kind of parent to have a healthy, happy adult. In fact, all my friends that were under really strict parenting have no self-confidence. No happiness them in their life and are so afraid to upset everyone. Ridiculous.
Quit judging
The parent almost never gets there child back,speaking from experience
@@terismith4512 we need MORE judging
@@LLandS18 so were you parent under age 18 or what?
One of the conditions of letting her come back home is getting birth control in the arm or a IUD.
yup, what I said, depo shot or she leaves.
Depo shot has serious side effects
@@yoleeisboredside effects worse than creating a baby you are incapable of caring for lol?
@@yoleeisboredThey all do.
That stuff messes you up. I took pills for years. Best birth control is a permanent procedure.
This was my parents with my oldest brother. He is now 31, living in a trailer park with three children he unfit to care for, running from debt collectors, and burned every bridge in the family. It doesn’t get better. Stop enabling your already spoiled children. My oldest brother never has had to face hard consequences and is a failure because of it.
All the touchy-feely good stuff John and Frank are doing and advocating for will not work on someone not emotionally mature enough to pick through. That daughter will only see it that her parents, yet again, will continue to bail her out when she makes poor choices. Stop caring for her. It sucks that she has made this your lot in life, it is not fair. But this is the price of never allowing your child to fail.
Agreed. They need to let her hit rock bottom because she's a user honestly
While my daughter was in active drug addiction, I had to distance myself from her. I love her, but she always manipulated me. I never wanted to be the person that provided her with that $10-$20 that caused her overdose. She had so many convincing lies.
My heart goes out to you. You are doing the right thing by distancing and not enabling. ❤
I had to do the same with some alcoholics in my family. I couldn't do anything that could kill them. But being around them drained me of all kinds of resources, and would end up costing me my future. Sometimes you have to love people from a distance.
My mom did that to me, I got an ultimatum to stop doing drugs or move out. And I left, and they didn't offer me any support. I was homeless for several years and found myself in some dangerous situations that should have gotten me killed and arrested.
I'm so greatful to her. The only way I was able to pull myself out of addiction was when I got pregnant, and realized why my mom did what she did. I'm over 5 years clean now, with a 4 year old. My mom and I are close again, and were able to build our relationship back over the years, to the point where she trusted me enough to cosign on the home I live in now.
If she hasn't come back around, I hope she will soon. I know my mom had a really difficult time through those years and I'm sorry you're having to go through that.
Yes good thinking
It's the hardest journey 😪
That's why she got pregnant for the second time because they made it so easy for the first time. If you're having a hard time with the first one, why not protect yourself from getting pregnant the second time.
That is NOT how it works, because pregnancy takes a toll, she would ALSO have gotten pregnant if the first time was really hard. Did you think of the child when you wrote this ? People that feel in control of their life and have control of their life (to the degree like that would be normal for a 16 or 19 year old) CAN also CONTROL their FERTILITY. But the instinct to procreate prevails, especially if people are stressed out or are not in a place of reasonable self control.
If she is on drugs (or her partner) you can forget about reliable birth control. or reliable anything.
she doesnt have the first one, shes obligation free
How about filing for a name change?? That name is awful
Bingo. She is living consequence free from the first.
You are not going to be able to support her. Don't let her back into your home. She is probably going to have 5-6 more. You need to get life insurance and a will. You won't have retirement. You will be raising ALL of her kids. Buckle Up. Face Facts. Good Luck.
I agree. Do not let her back. Frank obviously wants her back to help with babysitting.
Life insurance is a scam. Listen to Dave Ramsey.
Investing and saving works better. Saying debt free too.
It’s so sad, but yeah. What does one do when the daughter is destined for that? I guess if they want their daughter in their life then they will have to accept taking care of all of their grandchildren and future grandchildren.
@@arfriedman4577 totally agree. Term life over whole life. 👍🏼
Blunt but real! 😢😢❤❤
Many parents would have left her to herself. I pray she appreciates her parents rare qualities and get herself together
This is so true... both kinds of parents love their kids just as much, just one pair has a stronger spine, and the others are much more sentimental.
You should’ve gotten her spayed after the first one 😬
@@christophermartin972 that’s terrible
Many parents would have ,made a point to NOT support a daughter in this position. It would be done to punish.
She may have been better if she had been left there.
This is a very loving father. He already went above and beyond as a parent.
I had a friend whose mom always cleaned up her messes. She’s now a 40 yo alcoholic; in/out rehab, can’t keep a job, dysfunctional & sometimes violent relationships, etc. Love with appropriate boundaries creates responsible and capable adults. Enabling bad behavior doesn’t help anyone although it looks like support on the surface.
Are you sure that your friend doesn't have a borderline personality disorder like bipolar or something? Those things that you mentioned (alcoholism, not being able to keep a job, toxic relationships) are a common theme with people who have BPDs
@@sensimania I was thinking the exact same thing!
True!
Yeah, enabling isn't good, but it isn't the reason that people are alcoholics, that's mainly genetic and sometimes triggered by traumatic experiences. I have two close friends who come from really excellent, stable families, that have brothers who are out of control drug addicts. They had love and structure growing up and it didn't prevent the disease.
In any case, what Dr. John is saying here isn't enabling, because he isn't allowing the daughter to live in their house while she uses, or giving her money to go use.
@@sensimania w😂aZZa my😊 of
I was this girl. I am now 50 and when I look back on how my parents handled me, I cry. They were always there for me. They, to this day, are a huge influence on my kids. I moved in and out several times trying to make a life for my kids. And I always ended up back at home. Eventually I got it together. They never judged, criticized but I did feel their disappointment in my choices. And that was harder then their words.
My kids and I always had a roof and food in out belly but everything else was my responsibility. I love my parents and I was never mad at them or felt they treated my unfairly but I was the bad decision queen. I just couldn't stop making stupid choices. The advice you gave this man was spot on. He just alway needs to be there and be available.
I did not have an issue with drugs, so to say, but I was a party girl. Her father sounds loving and really wants to see her succeed and that is always a good thing. My children to this day have a very close relationship with my parents unlike any of my other nieces and nephews and I am very grateful for that. My parents are getting older and all I know to do at this point in their life is to be there for them they way they were for me.
Hang in there dad, she's going to be fine with parents like you.
Additionally, reading some of the comments from some of you people makes me very grateful none of you were my parents. I was allowed to learn and grow with the "soft cushion" of noting I'd never be hungry or homeless. I, along with the help of my parents, raised 2 amazing kids. I eventually married a man who helped me raise the kids and was a better father to them then their biological fathers ever were....and it wasn't for lack of trying on my part. Some guys just can't pull it together enough to do the right thing. I'm glad my life was the way it was...otherwise I'd have ended up living in a trailer park somewhere. No child is hopeless, each child deserves a chance. At some point she'll have to take responsibility and the best any parent can do is be there for her until they can't.
Man, some of y'all are hateful.
Whaaattt? You think life today will afford any "party girl" the opportunity to hop in and out of her Parent's life? I take my hat off to your Parents, but boy oh boy, they should've kicked your arse. And yeah we know - you'll NEVER be able to pay them back for all the heartache you caused. Overstayed your welcome in Lalaland - posting it on YT for the world to read...smh. This call is all about a DRUG ADDICT.
@jazinegrrrl I think people seem to think whatever their parents did was the right thing. People whose parents were strict think that that's what kept them on the rails. But people whose parents were loving know best 😊
I think some of the comments are coming from a place of annoyance. People don't like it when others life choices impact loving and caring people. If someone is given the opportunity to succeed then it is more annoying when a child does not vs the child with crap parents and way less opportunities. The latter situation is more understandable imo. Like i did not grow up with a dad and was not the crazy party kid ,did well in school etc..so when I see a person with 2 parents who are kind and gave them opportunities AND they still act like a crazy person it is so annoying to me tbh. I feel they should be doing waay better than myself not the opposite. And yes I know that everyone learns differently and some prefer the school of hard knocks. That said I would like to be that kind of parent who is there for their kid even though it would annoy me given my feelings.
Yeah when you don't discipline your kids they usually turn out like you did.. good job on FINALLY getting it together. Sheesh
Live the life you want. Party all you want, drug all you want, sex with all the trolls you want But for god’s and society’s sake-DON’T HAVE KIDS…PLEASE!!
She needs to step up and take care of her kids. I know other young mothers who did it. They sacrificed but did a good job. She should move back home, get a job and get child support from the fathers. She’s lucky her family is helping.
Good idea. And the young men who were there should be held accountable too. And if they can't then their families should be participating. Lets remember its not just the young women who are responsible.
@Onion Potato it would be great if the father(s) or their families get involved in the future. Lets keep our fingers crossed that happens.
@@melissam7067 ,,b,,,b daddy 5
@Onion Potato most likely they are happy that there Son walked away from that relationship.
Had a nice that had that happen. The father never laid eyes on that child and his parents never ones inquired about it or helped out.
There are people who just don’t care about the actions of there Children. And these very religious people.
I have an adopted niece and nephew that were invited back in. Both adult age. They both continued to use drugs against house rules. They were verbally abusive and completely uninterested in being family members. They were asked to leave. I get wanting to help family, but not at the expense of peace in the home. Can't let people bring the whole ship down with them.
No, John. I watch older people take their grandkids, spend their retirement savings raising a new group of kids, and go into the grave early. She is 19. She had a shot with the first baby. She is now on her own. My next-door neighbor is 59 years old. She is raising a 13 year old, 7, 4 years old, and a 7 month old.
I feel like this third chance is a must. There's a good chance the parents were more controlling than loving and never really connected with her, she never had a chance to learn to become an adult who knows how to control their feelings. I remember my dad telling me all day that me playing video games or "wasting time" in other ways is stupid and disappointing and therefore forcing me to read books or punishing me with chores to the point where I was afraid of leaving my room to run into him (at some point he just took my door so I couldn't hide anymore) , but never actually sat down with me to talk. His intentions were good but the means weren't, and now I carry a lot of shame and anxiety that affect me in basically every way, and it all coul've been avoided with just getting together and talking like human beings instead of master to slave.
@@Amber57499 Hm. But the difference is that you (probably) did not have a child as a teenager. Twice.
If you collect social security, you get extra for every minor in your home even if your household income is really high.
@Amber57499 It’s too bad your dad didn’t try to make a connection with you. Chores are absolutely something that should be part of a kid’s life, and playing video games is definitely a waste of time. It sounds like he should’ve spent more quality time with you to pull you away, rather than just shaming you.
Retirement is stupid.
She’s 19 but her development is arrested. She’s functioning at a lower age level. Something happened to her that effected her self worth and is the root of this reckless behaviour.
Agreed. I think we're starting to see the impact of permissive parenting and helicopter parenting. Parents control every aspect of their kids life and it doesn't allow them to Foster independent decision making. It makes the children feel incompetent and stupid because the parents control every aspect of their lives.
Now of course, it could be something way worse but I see a lot of this. There are people who don't have a lot of outwardly visible trauma and they are low functioning. The overly controlling parent breeds codependency. People get confused because the control isn't violent or aggressive like an authoritarian parent. The permissive parent is trying to be helpful. They're trying to make their child happy. They failed to understand that doing everything for someone cripples them and leave them feeling worthless because they can't be trusted to function normally
It's hard because those are your grandbabies and you want them to have a good life .. sending prayers 🙏
Where are the grandparents on the father's side?? 🤔
I had my first at 19, my parents didn’t make it easy, but they were supportive. I didn’t have my second until I was 23, married the father, and we’d bought a house.
I feel like it’s a balance of being supportive but making your kid take responsibility.
Don’t have a kid because it costs like $100,000 dollars from 0 to 18 years
@@MoneyMan28 I have 2 kids, they’re 19 and almost 16. They’re worth every penny.
SAME! Had my first at 20 and my 2nd at 25. Married, with a home and never asked a penny from anyone. Sometimes taking responsibility for your own actions is great. You learn from your past.
So, the parents taught her that they will raise her children. Sounds like they were being responsible for the 1st one while she was out getting them a 2nd.
The daughter’s daily responsibilities: School. Homework. Childcare.
Well that child would be in foster care so for the baby’s sake it is good her parents adopted her. The fault isn’t the parents but the drug addicted daughter.
One or my relatives took on her sons child when he was 17. The mother didn’t want the child. He now has FIVE kids with four different women living at home with his parents and they are raising the kids. He is 35 and doesn’t do a thing.
@@LisaLisaCJ this is why communities used to put people in the stocks, had poorhouses or sterilize them. So sad for all of these people.
School? Homework? She’s 19, she needs to be working and supporting herself. School is a privilege that she threw away.
@@bebop504The dad said she needs to go back to school. Being educated will give her a better opportunity to be more financially responsible to provide for her own children.
She is an adult, over 18 years old. She needs to be responsible for her own actions, not bailed out everytime. She's going to keep repeating the past.
All you can do is take the kids away from her.
The problem is the babies are the ones who would suffer, and they need to help her so she stops having children she isn't capable of caring for.
exactly....she shud jus keep having them knowing she will be taking care of.
My parents have 7 daughters and they let us know that if we had a baby we would be raising that child cause they have lives. They let us know all we would have to give up if we wanted to act grown.
My parents said the same…. if we were old enough to have sex, we were old enough to raise children… and to be responsible
My parents put me on birth control when I was sixteen, it was the 90s and I remember people being upset by the choice. By the time I graduated I knew of a dozen girls with babies. One guy had two girls preggo at once. I was the girl who went to college and waited until marriage and planned her kids. And you know what? I still ended up back at mom and dad's a single mom with two kids and a pile of debt.
Look at how well you did! Congrats...so brave!
Poor partner choice.
So you ended up a divorced mom - not a single one it looks like...
How did wait for marriage, yet you were on birth control in high school?! 😅 Come on now 🙄 -
@@nailahdawkins lol. Waited until I was married to have kids. Not waited until marriage to have sex. Lmao what do you think birth control is for???
@@rosamaundallen1035 He passed. So you aren't wrong.
She will never accept their rules or change her ways until she hits rock bottom. Apparently living in a shelter isn't rock bottom enough for her. That's very scary.
What is truly scary is what trauma and sexual abuse she endured that has caused hyper sexuality and drug and alcohol dependency.
@@TEM14411That's valid, but it's not an excuse to recklessly have babies left and right.
@sparklesp9304 I believe we can change society through a deeper understanding of what causes the behaviors. It is not about excusing or justifying behaviors. It is about identifying root causes and understanding what we can change and address earlier in life with children. We have created all this generational trauma. Judgement and condemnation do not change anything.
For some people, there is no rock bottom.
@TiffanyErin Lots of 16 year olds have sex. That's not necessarily hyper-sexual, just hyper irresponsible to get pregnant twice. Drugs might be weed and that's very different than heroin. I've never had a drink in my 38 years but I get that what my parents would consider wild behavior is pretty normal for most. Sometimes very conservative parents don't give their kids the tools to cope with regular life because they want to protect them from it.
As a product of teen pregnancy… I’m in my later 30s now let me say it’s not fun. Stop having babies as a baby. Luckily my situation was not your stereotypical situation where my parents kept having babies and were on assistance. But the emotional maturity a child needs from a parent is not there. I hate when I hear “young parents” usually single moms say “we grew up together” etc. no! A child needs a parent who is a grown up already. There’s a lot to overcome that isn’t always listed in statistics.
Birth control is FREE in many cases as are condoms or you can just not have sex. You have to stop being selfish when you become a parent no matter how young you are. I hope this daughter and her parents can get things worked out for the sake of her children and herself.
I had my first son sophomore year of college. I wanted to come home and have my mom take care of me. She said no. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I married his dad. I’m still married to him ❤. We moved into a studio apartment with our baby son. It put a fire under our asses and he finished college with an engineering degree and I finished college and went on to graduate school. Looking at our baby boy and his needs for safety made us realize that we needed to do better and we did. All because my parents and my husband’s mom said no.
Maybe she's still on drugs, & she feels guilty. Maybe that's why dhe was kicked out of other situation. Druggies don't usually just dtop. They're addicted! Shd might need to have thdm tskdn away. Maybe best for the child.
This isn’t good for everyone and honestly I think you two still would’ve done good if you stayed.
If my husband’s mum kicked us out we would be homeless because I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Instead she encouraged us to finish college and SAVE so we can potentially buy a house in the future.
Go girl ! You all made it ! ❤❤❤❤
Unfortunately too many people don't value education. In their world, high school is enough because it was what their parents did. Generational poverty
The father just admitted that he can’t cut her off. Good luck getting her to stand on her own.
He’s not willing to cut her off because he doesn’t the baby to be out on the streets.
As someone who has had a son ravaged by drugs, I’m so relieved to hear you give advise that is compassionate. Over and over again we were told to show “tough love” to him and it never worked. The only thing that has worked is unconditional love, compassion and understanding. And he’s still alive today and I have no doubt he will live a fulfilling life.
We learned after over five years of multiple overdoses and in and out of treatment, that trauma is at the root of nearly all addiction. And that all the research has shown that tough love doesn’t work. It’s an old school approach.
What was the trauma that caused your son to become an addict? How is your son doing now?
It’s a balance. Tough love can’t be too tough and unconditional love shouldn’t enable. It’s a tough thing to balance.
Thank you. Some of these other comments are so disgusting. No one seems to want to address what this child might have gone through in her home that made her turn to sex and drugs in the first place.
My mother giving me unconditional love fills me with shame and guilt and the drive to recover so I can repay even an ounce of the grace she's given me.
For me tough love would have had me dead. I think things would have been much better if she'd let me die, but she didn't. I'm determined to repay her and am afraid I'll never be able to.
Her unconditional love has hurt her more than it has helped me, and it's not fair. I hope to be 1/4 the mother she is. I am determined to make it worth it to her, but she already thinks it's been worth it. I'm ashamed every day of my life that I'm a curse
@@bufficliff8978- you gotta learn to forgive yourself. That’s part of the healing process. Your mom doesn’t want you beating yourself up. You can talk to her about it and see what she says.
IDC, this is amazing advice. As a former rebellious teenager, I would have greatly appreciated this kind of approach from my parents.
Real question and I'm not being sarcastic, so please don't take it that way, but how did you turn out? With the tough love, if any, you received from your parents? Did you hit rock bottom and decide to get your act together or are you still spiraling?
@@mekeiawatson I didn't get my act together until after I got married to a stable man who helped me work through years of built up mental health issues. I've been married 22 years and I continue to be a work in progress. Because the relationship with my mom was so volatile growing up, I took a totally different approach to parenting my son; with love, grace and mercy. Now he's 21 and in ministry school and works as a youth pastor.
why were you rebellious?
Why is adoption so hard for some of these people??? I know loving people that adopt children!
I don't know what country your in, but most children over 5 aren't adopted, especially if they are brown/black.... Great that you know people, but that isn't reality.
maybe they don't want their grandchildren to be raised by strangers. plenty of people get abused by foster and adoptive parents too.
I can't believe you actually asked this question, have you ever given away a biological child for adoption? It's one of the hardest experiences a human being can have after bonding with the fetus for 9 months, going through a harrowing delivery, and then feeling that rush of oxytocin to bond. God bless the selfless women who are able to do what's best for their child, but it's cruel for you to minimize their pain. Also, it sounds like the caller IS working to adopt this baby, no one has ruled out adoption here, I don't understand your comment.
Adoption can only happen once parental rights are legally terminated. It sounds like the daughter is not willing to legally terminate her parental rights. That’s why the adoption process is more difficult and drawn out in this case. This is the same reason why the majority of children and foster care in the US will never be eligible for adoption, because even though their parents lost custody, that’s not the same thing as termination of parental rights.
we cater too much to our kids when pregnant...imo.tell them the rules early on.... we will not be raising your children.its hard enough to raise our own.sorry...facts.your the soon to be parent you figure it out.sounds cold but your kids need to know early on the facts.
This is so upsetting. I feel for him and I worry so much for this second child. These grandparents deserve to enjoy their grandchildren without the burden of being their guardian. I think the most pressing thing right now is to ensure that she is off drugs immediately. I wish them well 😕
Proof that having a father in the home doesn't mean you won't have troubled children.
It just decreases the chances drastically
@@MRkriegs this father is too passive. He knew his daughter had ODD, which is a severe mental health disorder, but he never got her any diagnosis, which means she never got treatment because you need to have an ODD diagnosis to get the proper treatment. Instead, he just stuck his head in the sand and just hoped things would magically get better? IDK but clearly he never actually wanted to have the difficult conversations with his daughter, which is how this situation eventually came to be.
A weak boyfriend who refuses to push values and principles. 😂 (Don’t ever compare weak beta boys like this to actual men)
@MRkriegs only decrease the chance, but not drastically.
I've seen it over and over
Isn’t wonderful she had her father in her home & he is talking to Dr. John desperate to help his daughter improve her situation. Thankful for responsible, loving fathers who walk the walk.
He sounded like such an amazing dad! I hope this all worked out. I’d love a follow up episode.
Sounded. He messed up as a parent (probably his wife too).
Dad, what are you going to do if there is
7 children by the time she is 30 ?
She might be irresponsible her whole life.
Offer her $3000 to get an apt, on the condition
She gets her tubes tied.
The delivery doctor will be happy to do it at the same time of the birth.
Tell her she can drop off the baby for babysitting while she goes to her job everyday.
At least you will only have the 2 grand babies to worry about and one immature daughter.
Perfect advice for a drug addict. 👌
She needs rehab not apartment at first.
My daughter at 19 years old, has one child. I adore my granddaughter, she a sweet baby indeed.
I have already strongly advised her not to have a second one until she’s a married woman.
If she does not listen, that’s all on her and her responsibility.
She shouldn't have had the 1st baby and she shouldn't be having this one. But it's too late for that. The fact she'd rather live in a shelter rather than these people says it all. She's an adult now, they can't punish her anymore
Sounds like she just wants to be the one to call the shots. Her parents won't let her go drinking or do drugs.. probably similar rules at the shelter but she perceives she has a say in that
My heart goes out to any parent having struggles with their adult children like this. Not much you could do if she doesn’t want the help being given.
This man loves his daughter so much, it's all kinds of sad that his kindness is being pooped on with an attitude, but HOW can she behave as an adult, if she never faces consequences.
I’m sure she can feel those consequences 😂 and it’ll just get worse. Not to bad if your parents helped you out but she’s young and ungrateful
An imperfect scenario for this father. His choice is to try and help how he can which will prevent drastic consequences that would “scare her” into changing somehow in theory. But the alternative option is setting her loose to experience all possible harm which is going to be immensely hard for a father to do. The balance of the right thing is challenging and realistically it doesn’t matter what consequences she does or doesn’t face nothing can change until she wants it to change even if she hits challenges.
My mother got pregnant with me at 14. My grandparents left her with the full responsibility of raising me. It was obviously difficult but she figured it out and never had any more children. I’m now college educated and completely self sufficient.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is let your children deal with the consequences of their actions. She will never learn if she doesn’t feel the burn.
People who go down this path are usually troubled/traumatised and/or have mental health issues… kids don’t go off the rails for no apparent reason… Gabor Maté, ‘it’s not why the addiction but why the pain?’ Not saying what she is doing it right, but usually there is a reason behind it.
Frank is a lost cause. Enabler. Daughter will continue popping them out. Get ready Franky boy, say goodbye to your retirement
Dang, truth right there. 👍🏼
How is she an enabler
Yep
@@TartarianTopG he is an enabler that's what they meant
You’re right, this is not gonna stop!
One word stsrting from the first pregnancy...ADOPTION! 👍🏼 If I was this parent, I would LOVE to see that child grow up in a two parent home, mom and dad, and loved with no drama.
ADOPTION! ❤
I agree 100%. It was never mentioned...
@@luannkelly5071No Adoption by a 2 parent couple?? What do you think the transfer of legal custody from the mom to the grandparents was, DUH??
Adoptions are rarely the simple fix most people think they are…
“no drama” just makes you sound ignorant as hell 😭 maybe read up on the adoption industry.
@@horizonkyun7203Sadly, adoption doesn’t guarantee a permanent two-parent home with unconditional love. And grandparents raising grandchildren they weren’t LONGING to raise full time is not ideal either.
This is why I don't want kids. There is just way too much stress to deal with.
🤣🤡
Children bring you nothing but problems
😂😂😂😂
Sometimes parents love so much that they do more harm than good.
Great advice Doc... Dad and Mom keep going back. Never throw away your child.
Anybody using drugs should not have custody of their kids. God bless this man for giving his grandchild a safe place.
She wants to be the one to call all the shots. I think some kids are like this regardless of parenting. I was. I think she will try on her own and come back on her own terms. Maybe others at the shelter will ask about her plans and the right kind of outside influence can help. Maybe dad could even call the shelter and see if there's any mentors there that could guide her in the coming months
Hi there. Can I ask a question? I have a sister who is similar to the daughter described in the video and found your comment interesting. Why did you want to call the shots as a teen? I'm just trying to understand my sister a bit better
As always parents trying to be responsible for our teens but they can't learn from their mistakes.
My son also had 2nd Baby on the way by age 19. I had to Baby sit for them (Dad & Mom) to Graduate! My son was a disaster for a while… high school, part time job, baby & he was hanging around with horrible friends (some drugs) I backed up 0 money & zero help after Mom graduated. He cleaned up … left to the Army he did 4 years… now he is a Sheriff Deputy and doing very good. Yes help her but put boundaries and push her to Fly solo. She can do it! ❤
These days, no pregnancy is unplanned.
Yes.
Oh stop what does that even mean? What about rape?
sex and rape aren't the same. they aren't in the same convo. so stop acting like oh my god. the girl in question had sex
Wait - “The dude sucks” but the daughter is unicorns & rainbows??
He didn't say that. He acknowledged she's part of the problem.
@@IsaidIt_2 oh he definitely implied that.
Yes that's how Delony thinks
I am quite certain if I had birthed two children out of wedlock while in my teens, my parents would have written me off and told me good luck raising them on my own. My mom might have let me live at home for a while so the children didn't suffer but you can bet she would not have made life easy for me and it would have been my job to take care of them.
I don't know they didn't get her on An IUD. I mean they didn't see this getting better did they?
And you wouldn't have had two either.
Can She take something call Birth Control???
She’s probably too drugged up to remember.
@@sexysilversurfershe doesn’t care.
That would require responsibility bc you have to remember to refill the prescription and to take the pill everyday.
My mom wasn't as young when she started but she was 19 and just as immature. Every 4 years a new baby came. My grandmother didn't hold her responsible. She just allowed her to do her thing. Well instead of enjoying retirement she was raising her grandchildren. It was a blessing in disguise though because my mother was/is beyond unfit to raise us.
Two kids by two different men at age 19? What a freak. LOL!
Feel bad for the children.
The kids are always the victims 😢
They've already put up with 3 years of b.s. from her, bad behavior, etc. There's a small difference between enabling and offering support. There has to be boundaries.
How many babies will she have before they quit? I know a father who took possession of his daughter's 7 drug addicted babies, one after another. On number 8, he finally drew the line.
By then, he was ruined financially, and was an old man raising a large family.
What happened to him?
Damn.... instead of forced birth, let's go with forced sterilization
Woulda been cheaper to tie her tubes!!
This story never happened.
My sister got pregnant in college and I saw how frustrated my dad was 😭😭 thankfully I’m not pregnant
Wair until you find a mature man who loves and marries you
Oops wait
@@georgewagner7787 I have a boyfriend and I’m aware/on birth control 😭. kids cost too much
This is a "how to destroy the lives of two children" - free tutorial.
Thank God the first baby is safe, the second one is on the line. My heart pains for these parents. Let’s face it this young woman can keep having kids.
She needs birth control asap
Try to get her to give the baby to an adoptive family
Oppositional Defiance Disorder Daddy said. Sounds like counseling and guidance was called for WAY sooner than when she first became pregnant
She needs to be in a program for girls in her situation. The parents are not equipped to provide the professional counseling that is needed.
Get counseling for the 19 yr old daughter. She wasn't given the proper emotional support growing up. She was either neglected, or she was coddled and not guided. That's why she was sleeping around and doing drugs at age 16. Shocker.
She probably won’t go to counseling.
Idk about this. How many times does someone, who is completely unprepared to be a mom, need to get pregnant before they learn? I cannot imagine having parents like this 19 y.o.s parents. I cannot imagine BEING a parent like these parents. It’s amazing how much they have to give. That girl has no concept of how lucky she is!
Let her stay in the shelter. She must abide by your rules if she is going to move back home. (Personally, I probably wouldn’t let her back). She needs some tough love. She has to grow up. She chose to fool around. She must take responsibility for herself now.
It's makes the situation worse honestly.
My wife's mom always used to tell her: "do you want to study, or do you want to go work?" Meaning: I'm more than happy to pay for your education, but if you become pregnant before you're done with your study, I'll quit paying, and you're going to have to find yourself a job. That worked very well.
I find nothing more patronizing than when a parent calls their adult children "my baby". We as parents need to recognize when our children are not babies anymore.
That said. Good call Dr.
Keep that same energy when your kids are teenagers.
Such great advice - wayword children of this age are so difficult to deal with. You know and fear what can happen to them, but have very little recourse. It takes a mountain of emotional maturity and restraint to get through to them, which sometimes doesn't happen no matter what you do, especially since they often feed off your reactions. I'm keeping you and your daughter in my prayers, and hope everything turns out well for your family.
She MUST play by any decent rule her parents give over this situation. Give grace yes, but there are consequences to actions too. Don't baby that girl so much that you enable bad behaviour in her. If she doesn't feel some of the heat from this, dont be shocked if child 3 comes out of wedlock, hopefully not. Love and Grace, yes, but responsibility and consequences too.
This just sucks:( We all have our struggles. I appreciate this channel because it keeps me in check when I start to feel sorry for myself. Or feel like I have/have had it so rough. We’re all going through our own BS
I'd say this is one of the reasons why I do not want to reproduce.
Boundaries should be set BEFORE she moves home. Not after.
I would like to know how often she sees her 3 year old daughter.
A friend of ours daughter got pregnant at 16 by a married man, parents took the kid to raise and guess what, she got a second kid for the same married man. They're all leaving together. When there's no consequences they don't learn any lessons.
She is doing whatever she wants whenever she wants. She is 19 and rebellious!
I think everybody in the comments is missing out on saying one thing
What an incredible father. So supportive and caring.
I've had friends in Similar situations whose Dads have kicked them out and cut off contact
That’s not a solution … she has to be responsible for her actions. What if she has another child?
I love your advice, it's absolutely 100% unconditional love for our own children. It's what they always need to know. The parents love for them. Yahweh bless you
Calls like that are fabulous advertising for staying childless or might I say childfree.
A shelter may be the best option at the moment. Professionals will be guiding her to reality. It’s nice to have parents involved in this process. It’s not likely to go well if this lady continues to live a chaotic life, with 2 kids.
Why don't more people encourage adoption? Its very easy to adopt out a newborn. People are literally lining up for newborns. You have so many options as a birth mom you can choose the couple you see as best fit.
its already been stated adoptions not an option
If she has ODD, then all will explode and crumble the minute she doesn't like a rule in your house and she doesn't want to follow it. I have a child with ODD and you have to let them learn (if they do) the hard way. It's heartbreaking to watch them make horrible choices.
As a 19 year old who had ODD that devolved into conduct disorder this isn't the case for everyone. I found a way to control it using logic, for example work. Ive held down my job for a year and a half. Parly due to my boss understanding me and that I don't just react for no reason but mostly due to me finding self-control in logicing why i shouldn't do what i want. My mom took a similar approach as you and it really messed up my life. Im not trying to bash you im just saying you don't have to go the hard way. If 1+1=2 then my reaction to a rule or person shouldn't be 4. As your kid grows a phrase that helped me alot is actions have consequences and consequences hurt other people. Right now she might not care about other people but when she grows up itll come. Best of wishes I know its hard, I was horrible to my mom but things are better now. Things will get better for you.
Dr. John, you couldn't have given better advice! You are so right!
After raising my own 3 children, I can promise I will not be raising anymore. I’ll love my grandchildren and be part of their life, but I would never agree to be their primary caregiver
Thank God I use birth control and no babies for me yet. I'm 22.
When you choose to make adult decisions, you must accept adult consequences and responsibilities.
She's takung advantage of her parents kindness.
I love this Dad. Takes care of the grandkids. Gets a court order. Has strict rules for daughter as long as she is under their roof. Not bad mouthing baby daddies in front of grandkids. We need more dads like him. I'm sure they let the daughter get away with a lot now they are making up for their actions. Good example of learning how to parent better as they as parents mature. As the old saying "we were growing up too". Glad at least the one grandkid is safe. Daughter has a bumpy road ahead of codependency, mental illness, and reckless behavior.
Women decides to procreate with the most bottom of the barrel man on the planet, then does it again. Just wow.
Are you the type that simultaneously gets mad when women only choose alphas though?
@@Lady.Luck. What does that have to do with the unfortunate situation of women continuing to choose to lay with the most bottom of the barrel men on the planet?
Dad needs to step up and protect his daughter from the older weirdos that are preying on her.
@@smokeythebear6689 She's an adult, so what exactly could he do? You can't stop an adult from doing whatever they want or banging whoever they want, you can't save other adults from their own stupidity.
@@smokeythebear6689step up? she's an adult. he has no authority, therefore he has no responsibility.
Best of luck and lots of love to this family. 💕💕💕💕 praying for their healing and health.