Recovering Your Worth After Leaving A Narcissist
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- Опубліковано 18 сер 2021
- An odd game played by narcissists is building their feelings of importance by trampling upon your sense of worth. It makes no sense, yet is is indigenous to their nature. As you move away from a narcissist, you have the task of rebuilding what they have diminished. In a heartfelt way, Dr. Les Carter discusses the nature of self worth and what it can mean to your recovery efforts post-narcissist.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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"Worth is your birth right." Beautiful...thank you. Your words are pure medicine. You are such a blessing.
You are so welcome. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I left my partner after 17 years almost 18 years of abuse
My kids aren't being taken care of properly by him
But yet he used to torture me with how he can do better than me at taking care of our kids
I'm a little mad about how he can't do what he constantly told me
to put me down
If that was me
He would be taking me to court
I get them on the weekends
I'm financially strapped
Trying to figure out a place to live with my children
I'm staying with my parents
They are toxic as well
I literally have no place to go to
I put my trust in god
That is what keeps me going
@@amwil4980: i came to realize, in my own struggles, that just 'trusting' was not enough. has also taken me *work* to seek and invite a closer, deeper relationship with the Almighty. still working on [what i have found harder] improving my prayer life, prayer style, talking to and *listening for* God. an increase in frequency when i : meditate on *His* word (Holy Scripture), call upon *Him,* converse with *Him,* lay my burdens at *His* feet. i find myself praising more often, singing to *Him* more often, even thinking about God more often.
None of this disrupts my days or nights, because it is a choice i make. no one twists my arm to get me to do any of these. and sure has made it easier to know what choices and decisions to make, what road to take, simply because of the connection/relationship between myself and the Higher Power that is God.
@@amwil4980 i left after 31 years.my children disdain me, they are proud pf his smarts in dragging on the divorce and taking all he could..3 1/2 years later, I am recovering still. And, yes, I was groomed for this (my mother
apparently knew and never told me.) I do know I deserved better and,yes, life is better. I can be me and become the best me.
This is temporary.
Allow yourself to love and care for yourself.
You deserve it.
@@amwil4980 I am with u. 52 and back at elderly mother's. Friday night wants tv off 10, 11 pm. I have a financial pittance I'd need to triple just to cover rent -sharing room in stranger's home. It's all I get & that can end when my ex retires...he 11yrs older.
I'm physically disabled. My life is dictated by pain, or who's roof I'm under. I had such hopes and now my future is just gone. I can't see how I'm gonna get Thur6 either... definitely a different set of stresses. And she wonders why I ran back to his place so much. Her place so small I don't even have couch to sleep on so im in a recliner. Does wonders for chronic pain! Not!!
I'm so sorry ur feeling as tho ur just treading water. U are not alone; and it's not 1 day at a time.The morning struggle to get thru to afternoon can test even the most patient of souls...can't even think of the pm until get there. I send positive vibes ur way that u will somehow do land back on ur feet.
We're both very very blessed to have a parent. And at 52... not exactly where I ever thought I was gonna be at this age.
I sure wish I could just take it all away for you and ur children's. Count what blessings u have, heaven knows I'm trying. Good on u for leaving!! Ur clearly strong. Be gentle on urself. ☆namaste
The first catechism of the Holy Roman Church is that everyone has inherent worth and dignity.
It's my opinion that they come into our lives with a desire to rob, kill, & destroy our happiness. Do not think yourself stupid, and do not regret your mistakes. Once you put your hand to the plow, don't examine the furrows you have completed, instead just keep going, and make your current row as straight as possible. Worthy is the lamb!
Well said, Mike. Blessings in Christ, Randy
Yes its satan! No helping him
They are foolish, they behave and they think foolishly. This is the word that describes them the best and thank you for using it. Although the word 'Fools' does not exist in psychology books, it is hovewer the best description ! The word 'Fools' gives justice to victimes on a spiritual and also, on mental and psychological levels. I was doing counselling several times for several people in my life : trying to come to terms with my mother abuses, my father abuses, then my ex - husband abuses and......my children's. Then one day I thought " Hang on one minute..... this is crazy !" I realised that I am fighting against FOOLS. I do not fight with fools anymore. Thank you Dr. Carter for being a great teacher and giving us priceless advices. Thank you for making us stronger and making us belive in ourselves. Because this is what will make the world a better place.
"Worth is your birthright" 🙌🙌🙌 Something a narcissist would never understand.
At all. Dr. C
My favorite thing to tell my Narcissist husband is: "No matter how hard you try, you will not get me to believe less of myself. My ego was firmly intact when I met you and you won't change that."
Good for you!
@@1windyoldbird, you might consider altering that to, "I accept that you believe nothing i say or do is relevant." That way, while you're acknowledging his opinion, you're reserving your right to disagree. Good on'ye for using such a powerful approach!
Very profound!
I am 75 yrs old and lived with a narcissist for 24 yrs. Now I am old, not real healthy and fighting to find some value in my life. Slowly, life is starting to come back into my veins. Slowly I am started to realize the joy or being able to make my own dicisions and find some sort of worth in my life. 24 yrs of being torn down for the person that I am, my values and my beliefs and punished for expressing my opinions, is devastating. Thank you for understanding!
This video is a gem. I cried when you spoke about the one hundred units of worth and it doesn't diminish.
I'm still in shock hearing it and still can't get it in my head..,
and your worth is a million units and more and never diminishing xo
“My life matters!” Wow dealing with such toxic people these last 2 years, I actually forgot that I DO MATTER!!!!! my God thank you Dr. C
Don't let anyone tell you differently!! Dr. C
Here's another reminder I have on my wall. "Peace of mind is priceless. Don't negotiate yours with anyone." I love how all this connects. Deep gratitude. ♥️
No matter the difficulty of your topic Dr. Les, Gus brings in the most CALMING influence in the background (or subconscious). Thank you for giving your full heart to this work! ❤️
He really does. His work online I find invaluable!
Gus is a good boy.
Yes. I love how you put it, "Thank you for giving your full heart to this work!" Thank you, Dr. Carter. I love how Gus just accepts that, from his perspective, Dr. Carter is sitting there talking to himself. Too cute!
Dr Carter has helped me recover from my nightmare as a Narcissist’s supply. I understand the “why” me….. I am a huge Empath so I’m sure I was an easy mark. The toughest thing to deal with is that during the time the Narcissist was a part of my life my son died. I am heartbroken and it’s the one thing I’m still trying to come to terms with. Thank you Dr Carter for being me so far, your online therapy saved me.
@@charlenelawrence6387 oh God! Charlene....I am so very sorry to read your words here. Nothing I imagine could be quite as bad I'm sure! I myself have no children...but that would be immensely heart breaking. I am an empath by accident I think. 🙃 I didn't want to be but we are conditioned in our early years. It's me to a tee...and experiencing narcissists came close to destroying me. 😔😔 Professional people on you tube have been a God send. One of those were Dr. Carter 100%!
Surround yourself with loving non narcissistic people and it helps you remember your worth much faster!
I felt proud of myself for recently setting good boundaries, saying no, and walking away.
You could get used to that! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissismThank you for being here!
I cried so much during this video. My family stripped me so badly of my dignity and were just criticizing and humiliating me as their punching bag. Gaslighting me, keeping me to put me down. I wanna rediscover my right to worth.
I want you to rediscover your worth too!!
I think they do know we have worth which is why they did their best to try and completely eradicate it. They got out of their way to try and convince us that we aren't worthy, they wasted energy on that because our worth was A THREAT to them. So think about it, just this action alone - them trying so hard to erase our worth - means we're totally worthy. It's kinda funny when you think about the "logic" of a narcissist.
@Miss Blasé exactly.
Miss Blase why did they marry us then? I don't get it?
Miss Blasé Yes that's why they are very jealous people. And we know that is just a very small part of who they really are. They are from the Devils Pit.
@@rich-bn7fy They envied us and wanted what we had. And many times they took it as much as they could....our love, our positive qualities, our money, our time. Then they turn on us to destroy us when they have gotten everything they can from us.
I'm so unlike this miss blase...it hurts my soul... thank you for your time
I constantly feel anger for ignoring the red flags and shameful for putting up with the foolishness. Working on myself in therapy. If only Narcs can get help themselves. We all know it’s probably never going to happen, though.
I am finally free, some sick people think they are so perfect, we have no choice but to walk away!!
Amen to that! You have to get them out of your lives and especially out of your head! But please don't beat yourself up over having been deceived by them. Remember, they spend all their lives honing those deception skills. I put up with so much from narcissists in my family because my late mother kept telling me it was my family duty. Sorry Mom! No more! These old family narcs are on their own!
The narcissist is the human being that has little to no Self. It was replaced by the false self that they want everybody in their sphere of influence to admire at all costs to the admirer. It sounds kind of disturbing, mixed up, doesn't it ? THEY CANNOT REGULATE THEIR EMOTIONS AND WILL NOT DROP THEIR FALSE SELF FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU CAN'T REPLACE IT WITH THEIR REAL SELF. BECAUSE THEIR REAL SELF NO LONGER EXISTS. GET IT ? IT' NOT, I REPEAT A JUST BURIED SELF. IT IS TRULY GONE, LOST. I KNOW THIS IS THE TRUTH. I SPENT MY LIFE EXPECTING THEM TO CHANGE, SOMEDAY. IT JUST REMAINS FUTILE AND THAT'S WHY. YOU DON'T NEED THEM. YOU WANT THEM TO CHANGE TO COMLETE THEM AND YOUR LIFE. THEY WILL HARM YOU AND ANYONE AND ANYTHING YOU OWN/HAVE.
Struggling Millennial: I hear you. I felt that constant anger too. I have decided the anger is part of the grieving process of the loss. Be good to yourself. Do special things for you and people who will appreciate you. Worked for me. I still experience brief episodes of anger , especially when I get triggered by him, but I acknowledge that I got triggered, say a prayer, and move on to self care. Stay strong. Blessings to you. ❤️
I know exactly what you mean! Lets try not to be so hard on ourselves and focus on validating what we feel. I'm pretty sure that's the remedy to not repeating those mistakes, which are too horrid to submit ourselves to ever again!
Dr C this video made me cry , I've been so worn down over the last 20 years with the constant put downs that I started believing it. The narcissist in my life is my husband, the problem is he's now 91 years old and I'm literally just waiting for him to die so I can live again. Your videos have helped me more than you could ever imagine. Thank you so much ❤
I am also so very worn down.
What a waste of a life o have😢
Don't waste living waiting for him to die. They can't watch you and/or dictate your life 24/7. Find those precious moments where you can live how you want, to the degree that you are able.
An awful position to be in. I am so sorry. Try to find a way to take care of YOU. You deserve it. Good luck and prayers for you.🙏
It's just our luck that narcissists go on and on, living healthily, while they see our demise. It already happened to me. Truly, I received what is known as a medical miracle just 61/2 years ago. MIRACLE ! THE WORDS I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN, FINALLY WERE EXPRESSED. 😥 SAD SURE, BUT NECESSARY. YOUR PEACE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIR SUPPLY !
I had not seen this topic addressed before. I’m 69 and just discovered that my husband is a covert narcissist. My thoughts are getting unscrambled and the truth is emerging. I feel liberated and validated! I’m going to hang on to my 100 units of self worth! What a beautiful picture!
Our worth is non negotiable.
Have to rember that 😊
My narc literally told me to “make yourself lovable”. They are monsters. Thank you for your validation, Doc
they keep on kickin until you aren't a tickin
"Narcissists are fools." So FUNNY! THANK YOU! 😂
This video feels deeply healing. You get right to the root of it, speaking to our worth and even naming them as fools. It's so refreshing and validating. And you manage to do this without feeding the anger and sadness of being mistreated and emotionally abused. Thank you. I wish for the vast population who needs this message to see it.
Thank you so much. So pleased it resonated! Dr. C
I laughed and feel immensely relieved. This is great! :)
My narc father, when I was a young teenager, punished me, home bound, for something he wouldnt tell me what it was but I was guilty. Had no rights but because older siblings were gone and the alcoholic mother was not there, I had no one to stick up for me, so I see now, looking back, that was just great for a narc., to bully a young girl. How can anyway grow up in a proper adjusted way with a narc parent.
@@Jenifer_G you can't. I'm finding this out at 52 yrs old filled with my mother’s gaslighting. And, she still does it! Prayers to your healing journey 🙏🏽💖
Thankfully I got rid of the evil fool...It's the evil in them that's difficult to get your head round...The games he played...The horrific temper. ..The fear of what he would do to me (physically )...I completely lost all sense of myself. .
Glad that is all in your rear view mirror. Dr. C
My narc who I severed contact with after being blocked on my phone, used other people’s cells to call me. I hung up each and everytime. Then I changed my number. One day I looked up the security protocols on my Facebook page and there, in a section called “devices I am logged into”, was my narcs iphone id. She was logging into Facebook as me, because at some point, she’d seen my password. So sorry had to change everything, bank, cell, social media accounts. I’m still not confident I’m free. It’s been two years now. I still won’t answer a call from a number I don’t recognise
My therapist gave that very advice about not answering calls from unknown numbers.
I agree wholeheartedly about one's self-worth. Unfortunately, there are structural elements in our economy and society that tend to devalue people. A Narc's dream.
Another challenge is handling the loneliness that occurs after separating from the narcissist. To ensure no contact itself is a task. Then to rebuild one's own relevance with other, healthier relationships is required, as one lost one's rudder there, so to speak.
I am in the same situation very lonely and trying to find my feet again
Yes the loneliness is real. Likely why I kept letting him return. 🙏
This comment resonates with me so much. I wish we could all be friends on a group chat and hold each other accountable day by day, because loneliness is what makes me break no contact everytime
Look for the people in one's life who see the same things in the narcs that one does. There will always be at least one person. Then speak with them a bit more frequently.
The goal is to change one's own patterns and susceptibilities. That itself often makes grey rocking almost spontaneous. It is a huge narc repellant. One can only do that if one's sense of validation is internal and not dependent on the behaviours of other people, and when one develops the ability to more accurately assess people.
This made me cry… Last week I went to my husbands home to retrieve some of my belongings. I was supposed to be able to go inside and get the items on my list that was given to attorneys. Of course, they (mother in law and sister in law) had about 10 black trash bags on the front porch. Once I got it home, none of what I needed was in there. It was full of Ron’s old junk, the bottom of the bathroom drawer, the storage from the back of my closet and laundry room, there was even TRASH in there. I broke down in tears. I’ve come a long way in my healing, but this was so degrading and frustrating. I sobbed a lot for a couple days. I spent 10 years doing my best to make a beautiful home for us and they thought I was only entitled and worthy of the junk they didn’t want in there anymore.
Out of all of the people on UA-cam, you have a way of getting the message to resonate with me De. Carter. I think it’s because it shows how much you care about what you do, and you have a concise and compassionate way of communicating and a deep understanding of human nature. I also appreciate your humor! It’s hard to believe how many years I spent thinking I was unworthy, all because he said so!! The analogy about the doctors rushing in really got to me! ❤️❤️🩹❤️
So very pleased it resonated! Stay strong, Apey. Dr. C
Deeply appreciated. Amazing how I have allowed domination. My worth is inherent. I don't have to earn my worth. My humaness matters. Saving this one.
I saved it too.
I wonder why I allowed it? It's ridiculous when you stop and think about it.
We did not learn dignity, respect and civility. Most like me learned brutality an belittlement. Have faith. We are more.
I said to my narc sister "I am equal to you'. She could not say anything. Certainly would not agree but dared not disagree. Just complete silence.
Thank You, thank you, Dr. Carter!
“I mattered before. I matter now and forever.”
🤯 that one just blew my mind. That's exactly what he told me, "if people knew the real you they wouldn't like you at all". No if people knew the person you pushed me into that you're trying to create into a rotten awful person yep they wouldn't like that person but no they like me just as I am not what you're trying to turn me into. Geez I wish I got this a lot sooner
You're figuring out now! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism yes, I give a lot of credit to you and Laura. That one word Worthy really hit home today and the video about worthiness. It was like a magic word. I felt like Jimmy Stewart in it's a wonderful Life!
My workplace makes it unbearable if you make a mistake. The boss yells at you, demeans you, in front of co-workers. Some people are allowed to make a mistake without much fanfare. But others, who the boss has it in for anyway, get ripped up to the point of them being in tears. Then some of their responsibility is removed as punishment. The boss will also tell coworkers to avoid speaking to certain staff to keep them out of the loop. Because they are uninformed, they will make further mistakes and the cycle continues....revolving door of staff. I can't even remember their names or learn them before they are gone.
Dr. Carter is soo right it can wear you down. It can lead to physical illness as well!
Thank you Dr. Les Carter so much for being on UA-cam and generously sharing with us. Thank you for bringing normality to abnormal behavior.
I read some comments. There are many people, who are feeling the way I do. I'm starting to cry too.
I love this community. 🍀 🌻 💚🌱
There is also the challenge of overcoming an excess of fearfulness that results from dealing with these unscrupulous people who choose dishonourable means of attacking one, such as anonymous trolling. It is a kind of PTSD.
The narc causes C-PTSD, complex-post traumatic stress disorder, in us, because the narcissist is disordered. It will happen to anyone who buys into their deceptions as a part of their life style for very long. It's fight or flight or freeze or fawn, so get out now, asap.
I've cut off both of my narcissist parents and have some siblings who are also narcissists. It's so hard to heal from, I had no idea how much their toxic behaviors were impacting my life. I wish I had videos like this years ago but glad it's out here now. I'm so thankful I managed to escape from them but it took me 35 years to do so.
The choice to approve of myself as me, has always been with me; it my decision to love myself.
‘You don’t need to be remarkable to be loved’ -Fred Rogers 😎
Wow, thank you for that extra quote. It runs so counter to the vast messages we are bombarded with. It feels as though just being ok at things makes one a failure
It would be a “ beautiful day “ if we and the narcissists followed Fred Rogers..😊
@Mistake Maker : oops . You are right. What was I thinking? Thank you for bringing me back to reality. 😜
@Mistake Maker Very true. One of the many consequences of being raised by a narcissist is perfectionism and feeling that nothing is ever good enough. But the little things do matter, and they are actually doable :)
My whole life I have only been approved for what I can do or produce. If I let up for a moment I was called lazy and selfish. Yet others could rest and take time for themselves...
My heart is so filled with gratitude for you, Dr. C. The clarity, objectivity, and simplicity of your message is exactly what I have needed for YEARS. Those of us targeted and steamrolled by narcs are exhausted by the weight of being “never good enough” even though we try. Now we know it isn’t us, it’s them! I’m free to be me - and there’s nothing wrong with that. These toxic people have made their insecurities contagious to good, decent people, while pretending to be the confident ones.
God bless you.
Amen!
The Ex narcissist is withholding monies as listed on the marital agreement. It’s his last ditch effort to maintain control and manipulation. I’ve learned to let the attorney deal with him. I’m moving on with my healing and growth. Thank you for your discussion today.
I really appreciate this video. I’m coming up on my one year anniversary of my divorce from my narc ex. For some reason I’ve been sad and feeing worthless. Much needed today! Thank you!
Pleased for you, Becca. This video gets to the core of what I believe about humanity, so I hope you can find strength. Dr. C
That's a beautiful way to put it -- we're born with worth without having done anything yet simply for being human.
Hard to do when it's a parent.
Yes, no one has any right to take a Gods place and lord over others. Narcissists are hollow inside so they constantly need to raise their self worth by demeanishing others and lord over them. So freedom to be as you are is so good. No need any approval.
So simple yet so profound…. Narcissists are fools.
"Get back to my basics"...Doc, I think that's going to be pre-birth! My mother didn't want me, my dad used to tell me I was an ugly baby that they kept in the bottom of the chest of drawers, and when I cried, they'd just close me up in the drawer (and that has not crossed my mind a time or two!), I was told I "had" to be competitive...and on and on, ad nauseum. I have never felt worthy, so to hear you say it's my birthright... THANK YOU! I didn't need their permission simply to exist. I will never doubt my worth again. I think you've hit the nail head on. They can go pound sand!
I find myself dealing with a crushing amount of self doubt after years of narcissists and their oppositional way of interacting. It seems like no matter what you say or do, they like to rebut with, "no..." and tell you why you're doing it wrong or counter your point to prove they are right. Even if they literally restate what you said but in their own way so they "win" their imaginary argument.
It's exhausting but also makes me hesitant to hold any firm beliefs of my own because in the back of my head I am programmed into thinking, "no, you're wrong!". It's very damaging behavior that they all seem to do.
I know this feeling far too well. You're in a constant loop of defending yourself, defending your choices in life that do not need to be approved, justified or explained to anyone, let alone a narcissist. But they love it, I believe a narcissist enjoys you being defensive so if you're still in contact with a narcissist and next time they tryna run your life and set rules for you and start saying "no but, you should do it this way...etc", just don't allow yourself to get in a defense mode. Start being sarcastic, show them that you do not really take them *that* seriously in that moment. If you respond with something like "I wish I could take your advice I really do! but your life choices are kinda questionable so haha lol, you know what I mean. but thanks!". I believe this probably isn't natural way for you to respond to anyone because it sounds selfish and superior (just like the narcissist.), this is how they think and talk most of the time. You are "beneath them". So hit them with their own medicine when it comes to choice of response, do it in a jokey way, plant self-doubt in them and do it short and sweet, don't elaborate further, change the topic quickly - it's SO unexpected from you. They cannot take that, they literally cannot take a joke, even a jokey criticism. This will haunt them that you did not even take them seriously, not only that, you didn't even stand up for yourself in a confused stated and start dramatizing which is something they so much thrive on. You kinda just "let go" of what they said and you graciously continued with your day + you managed to shit on them. They think they're a God and no one is above them. You and I both know that's far, very far from the truth. Trust your gut, don't ever doubt yourself. You know you ❤ no one knows you like you do. and my advice is, I'm sorry if you're still maybe forced to be in any contact with a narcissist, please get away if you can, don't waste energy on trying to communicate your point of view.
@Miss Blasé Ty ❤ this is pure gold!
They bait you. Boss left a note telling me not to go in to the new computer system until the manager comes. Then the boss texts me to look up a figure....which is only available in the new computer system. I say the dilemma, and then boss yells back DON'T GO IN THE NEW COMPUTER SYSTEM! So why you ask me something and no way to do it and yell anyway?
@@blaseapricot YES!! You are absolutely "RIGHT ON"!! Thank you for your
very insightful comment!! Wise words to live by!!
Self worth is inherent. And we all are worthy. The minute any person makes you question that, take note and get away. I wish I had seen this video years ago. Seriously. #100units
It was no new news that my father is an Overt Narcassist. When I worked out many years later that my mother is a Covert Narcassist, it came as a big shock that neither of them never loved me. I was just a tool in their life. Standing up to them and putting my boundaries has eventuated in that I havent seen them for 6 years. They just dumped me. Im sure they are waiting for me to go to them as this is what has always happened in the past. Also it would be known that I am not seeing them and not the other way around. Its taken and still taking a lot of affirmation to how much value I have and that I am loved by a wonderful God.
This was very timely and just what I needed to hear today. I was feeling very low thinking about the FOO who stripped me of 100+% of my sense of self worth to the point that I was chronically suicidal for many decades. The so-called mother even encouraged me to act on those impulses. I was treated like a leper and cast out like a piece of trash. Their values were placed on money, looks, “accomplishments “, fancy cars and restaurants, vacations...the typical shallow stuff. I am learning that I have value in God’s eyes and have accomplished his will for me and that’s what matters most. I’ve learned that narcissism equals evil as well and I’m grateful that I’m not like them. Thank you Dr. Carter for today’s video. You’ve helped me tremendously.
Well said. We all have value in God's eyes.
👍 Never give up. 🍀 🌻 ⭐🌟⭐🌱 Hope is the best thing in life. 🍀
Painfully accurate. I am 5 years into rebuilding myself, and this is a great dacription of my journey. Grateful I got out alive. 💝
The only part that didn't resonate with me was the birth-day story. I was torn from my mother's arms... my worth valued by a private adoption organization. This makes the concept of intrinsic value *more meaningful to me... but please be aware that some of your audience had people trying to determine our worth and assigning shame to us, BEFORE we were even born.
Simply raise your values' to secure boundaries...
Exactly. Dr. C
Thank you Dr. Les! It took me a few years to get back to a healthier me, after my divorce: I gave my marriage and family everything I had to give, yet the EX had no problem trashing me in front of them.
Now she is in a better place, because I put up with that behavior (for too long), but long enough that she actually GREW, and had STABILITY in her life, she had not had since her Dad died. Her mother was a competitive narcissist, and competed with her own DAUGHTER, for mens' attention. I think that time and space AWAY from this woman's control helped her-- and I was a good provider / stable partner / dependable man, in her life. I would NEVER have another relationship like that, obviously, but to some degree, SHE BENEFITTED from my works, and so did my family. I knew, from the moment early on, when she told me "you're a failure", that she was ACTUALLY talking about *herself*.
In my case THAT is exactly what triggered the ‘discard’, the fact that I had figured out he was trying to covertly devalue and invalidate me and my children and the fact that I started regaining my connection to myself and my core values. Suddenly he started saying ‘you have changed, where is that ‘sweet’ ‘(compliant) girl’ I had married (who did everything I said without question and even found excuses for my own bad behavior and thoughts)’ .... he didn’t say the part in parenthesis but I know that’s what he was thinking - My answer, if you are curious was simply this: ‘I’m not a girl, I’m a woman and I’m a mother and you are not God. You are just a human like me, and you don’t get to decide my fate or that of my children. Neither are you a 2 year old boy who cannot understand all this although that’s exactly where you want to stay because being a responsible and sincerely loving Husband and Father does not suit your agenda’. I don’t have to tell y’all how it went from there for him. You already know. My children and I are fine. When God is your Protector no one can harm you. That’s not a feel-good statement. It’s a fact. So don’t fear mortals who cannot even save their own selves. Trust God. And Speak your Truth.
"Worth is a constant on the inside of you." FABULOUS! Thank you, Dr C and Gus xx (and Mikhaila)
“...shallow, fragile ego...”
The narc in a nutshell.
What I have learned about the narcissist in my life is Girls rule and boys drool except Dr. Carter! No pun intended!❤ RIP Dad! I love you and miss you!!❤
Thanks for including me in the non-drool category of guys! Dr. C
I line this drool rhyme. Funny.
This video has been on repeat through the holidays… nothing is more rewarding than knowing I’m not “worthless” like the narcissist in my family or step family try to get me to believe. I explained the worth is a birthright to them, only to have them display blank stares of ineptitude.
Never needed to "recover" my worth. I found out I was always were I Am
Remember in this profession we can do anything, we are allowed to do everything and anything! In your sleepy or awake mode we respect you and do the best to you and get the best from you. Its all good.!👍
I watched in tears as you explained with that simple imagery of everyone clamoring to care for newborn child how we’re all inherently worth it just for being human. Thank you so much Dr. C
Glad it resonated, Kat. This is one of my favorite videos.
Actually they can say “what do you think about that, I know it’s your expertise” - just to come few hours later with different solution from them or someone else and throw it to your face. Bait + Reactive abuse.
Shrug your shoulders, and reply, "Whatever." They hate that word! Show no emotion!
I think Gus studies Bhuddism. He's so calm.
I know, right?!?
I always feel better watching him.
Zen Gus. Dr. C
I think Gus has reached Enlightenment.
@@lovesings2us ..and nirvana...
Loving the cute and funny comments
It took me no time to recover my worth... I just kick my ass for being so blind to the obvious clues for so long.
Stay strong, Scott. Dr. C
Listening to you is such validity of my experience. Thanks so much for being here. Means the world to me.
So pleased, Teri. Dr. C
I feel amazing
He was sucking the life out-of-me
No contact has given me the opportunity to NOT be triggered and my restoration is in full effect
Very pleased for you, Sasha!
My 37 yr marriage Thank god he finally died yet I’m still trying to recover from the nightmare. Can not believe I actually get my life back.
'Your worth is inherent.'
Today I'm walking out the front door as a person of worth. I will treat others I come across as worthy too. I'll back away from those that need to be left alone. I listen to this video three times. I'd like to carry it around like a Bible. Top notch video 💯🌟🔥
When I'm asked for my opinion it's then used against me and put down. I feel all those emotions you listed. My self worth is at the bottom but I'm working on it.
If one is fortunate to be able to create effective distance from the narcs, make sure you have securely blocked them. Then, while working on oneself to "clean up one's own act", as it were, it's helpful to choose healthy people to chat with daily. And hugely helpful and healing to watch and re-watch videos in this channel because it is the clarity on the situation that one needs greatly.
I thought they took care of me because I was helpless. I still feel helpless and worthless, as a matter of a fact.
I have a friend that is married to a man who is a narcissist, I always tell she ever needs anything wether night or day.
Thank you Dr. Carter! 🤗🙏✝️
Thank you, we all need to hear this! But, unfortunately, we sure live in a narcissistic driven society where we are told /brainwashed that our self-worth is based on how we look i.e. the cosmetic and fashion industries, our education i.e. degrees, our social/income level, our position in our working careers that are based on hierarchy! I once had a boss who told me I was "on the bottom rung of the ladder there" where I was a professional fashion illustrator in NYC where I also did free lance work for the company, working weekends until one in the morning! Including constantly being judged on our accomplishments, awards etc. example Planet Hollywood, in politics , the sports arena, etc.by our families/friends and the celebrity obsessed media! Every magazine cover with a top model/actress on the cover is subliminally asking women, "don't you wish you looked like this"! A billionaire successful Wall Street broker on the cover of Fortune 500 is subliminally asking, "don't you wish you were this rich and successful"? It's endless! I ended up in a position between my malignant narcissistic , toxic, dysfunctional family of origin shaming me for marry my late husband of 42 years and then he , another malignant narcissist, real Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde, sociopath ended up shaming me for marrying him as well! Talk about feeling like you couldn't win if one buys into that BS! So, it was a double-whammy shaming job! Have been no contact with my family of origin for over 40 years who disowned and disinherited me along with an older brother and am now 'The Merry Widow", the actual title of a light opera from the 1800s! Thankfully, they can't come back to bother you once they're passed on to the Other Side! Best to throw that negative energy away! The best no contact!
Thank you Dr. C for recommending this video. What blessing you are Dr. C!
Pleased! Dr. C
My mother was big on "you have to earn respect" and that justified her treating anyone else disrespectfully, contemptuously, and deceitfully. Her (unattainable) "love" was conditional. She did not believe in intrinsic human worth, and scoffed at the idea of it.
I hope you can see that! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes thank you, Dr C, I learned it from the Bible as an adult. It was v important to me as I was conceived in adultery and thought I should never have been born. "Nothing but a bastard", I was told as a child. I became a daughter of the Most High, and tried to persuade my mother that we all are valuable in His sight, and all need our Redeemer. But she couldn't admit any fault, let alone repent or surrender. But to me it is treasure!
Trust is earned. Respect is given.
@@l.5832 good comment. So true
Thank you for helping me recover
It breaks one's heart to see siblings struggling with narcissistic spouses, desperately trying to justify them, and flunkeying for them, even after separating from them. They are racked with guilt and floundering for years. Clarity on the situation is so vital, because one needs to work on oneself towards health, and to leave resentment behind.
Thank you so much! 😭
Yes indeed I now love myself and know my worth and I took my power back.
My narc's end of life attacks are bad enough. But his sister's self righteous vengeance on me is without mercy. By whose authority do you voice my lack of clarity and focus when I speak. And what is it about me working a talent that is just too visible for your bruised ego to allow. Better that I should pencil out a stick figure on my grocery list and spare the world another recycled wreath. With so much chaos going on and the world groaning because of it how sweet to hear the triumphant WORTH of a soul. Thank you Dr. C...
Narc's want to keep you off message. Stay with that simple truth, you have worth. Dr. C
Thank you! Your words of wisdom have helped me so much. Having a mother that used triangulation between all of her children led to a lonely existence and a broken family. Through these videos, I am healing the self-doubt and learning to make better choices in relationships.
Another thing I learned here is how WE have to accept a new identity. I was hooked on being a wife. No more. I will practice love and appreciation just as I am even alone for now. I am blessed to be introspective and enjoy my own company most of the time. I enjoy laughing w neighbors. Enough for now.
Great videos! My conscience is clear. I know walking away from a group of narcissists waa entirely the right thing.☺
I just want to thank you for your wonderful videos. I watched just about every video and you are just spot on. I am going through a divorce with a narcissist and you have helped brought to light who he is and why I can’t reach him or save the marriage. Thank you for allowing me to save myself.
Thanks, Lisa. So pleased to be with you on your road to recovery! Dr. C
This video hits the nail on the head. Thank you for talking about this. Finding your self worth takes a lot of reflection, growth, and unfortunately going through difficult circumstances.
Thanks Audra. I hope you are able to live in true worth and self respect. Dr. C
One of my favorite videos of Dr Carter’s
Extremely helpful
Your worth is not affected or decreased when you make mistakes
Thank you Dr Carter for this video
God Bless you
The one I was with tried to tell me how to raise my grandson, how to spend my money, how to do this and that. His way was the only way to do anything.
Yes, their two favorite phrases seem to be "you should...." and "why don't you..." but then if you try to turn it on them they get all bent out of shape and accuse you of controlling them. It's enough to drive you mad (which is I think the point).
Donna-Colorado - Thank you for your comment. It made me feel not so alone with Mr. Know-It-All. I was about to say they are like babies. But babies are better than that.
@@lovesings2us You are very welcome. I am very happy that it helped. We are all in this together.
Yep my mother as well, except she was pushing me out and putting herself in in my place.
Worry is our birthright. Thank you for reminding me.
I really feel at any age a narc parent believes they control you. My mother sure does!
Thank you Dr. Carter for your healing videos.😊
POWER OVER
ADVERSARIAL
This was absolutely beautiful! Thank you Dr.Carter! Team Healthy🤗
Yes Exactly: thats How they dont see their own titles and the titles of the people Theyre trying to “control” with their sicko Behaviours
This is the best vid/discussion you have made regarding N abuse. It rings true that they label and insult you, remind you of mistakes, even if they were done years back- just to try to control you and the agenda.at hand
Dr. C, you are a God sent blessing. My husband always made me feel like something was wrong with me but I know I have value and worth and I matter. It's your videos that brought knowledge and my self worth back into my life. I still have moments of questioning myself but I get better each day. Thank you from my heart!
About the narcissist being in charge of you, if it's a parent then it's not unreasonable to allow the parent some control when the child is young. But when this carries on as the child grows up, that's when the problems start.
@Dr. Les Carter My take on, D R C ( DIGNITY, RESPECT, CIVILITY ).....is.....(DRLC ) DIGNITY, RESPECT, LIVE CIVILY. I must not be judged by things and my looks. I am worthy to be treated as a person of worth, with my dignity intact, self-respect, and live my life civily. Thankyou Dr. Carter.
You get it, Bernita. Dr. C
Worth is our birth right, we have inherent value as human beings and we must put a spot light on our and other people’s worth. Narcisisists are fools! They simply do not get it! God bless you dr Carter ❤
Lean into it, Iza!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you so much dr Carter
Thank you Dr Carter! This has been one of the most helpful videos for me. I'm a survivor for several decades, but I still have self doubt much of the time. Those echos from the past have faded, but still get triggered in unexpected ways. Your profound insight has helped me so much. You are truly doing Gods work. Bless you!