How To Successfully Disengage From A Narcissist
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- Опубліковано 2 чер 2024
- There are times when you realize the relationship with a narcissist cannot be sustained, meaning you have to disengage. Dr. Les Carter reminds you that when you do (whether you fully end the relationship or just pull way back), the narcissist will make it awkward. Knowing this, there are key notions to remember as you nonetheless proceed with self-care.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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Gus is the most carefree dog in the world, just by the way he sleeps. We all need that same bliss.
I love his dog. He’s part of the comfort I get from this site.
Yes, in that way, he is like a cat, which is great!
It feels complicated when you’re in it, but the truth is, it’s simple. Run for your life and don’t look back.
💯🙏🏽🙌
After I filed for divorce from my narc wife, she told everybody the divorce was 100% my fault and 0% her fault. It was that extreme. And what is worse is that most people believed her without question. Thankfully, my kids see the truth. My home is now peaceful. Her home remains chaotic, controlling, and destructive. You shall know them by their fruits.
People will see in time. Good for you! ♥️
In my case, my children are sometimes put in the middle. I have been divorced over 30 years, and she has never changed for the better, but seemingly, she has gotten worse, and she still tells people that I am to blame for things I never did. All I want is to be left alone and have peace. But it is easy to let one's guard down and be pulled back into the insanity, when falsely accused.
The narc wife. Love it. Fits her perfectly. You brave man. I wish you and your beautiful children much continuing peace, love, health, wealth and happiness.
Anyone who believes she has 0% responsibility for the divorce has faulty thinking. Glad you got away.
@@ejnix7874 thank you for your support.
Just a quick “shout out” for Gus. He has got to be the most emotionally/psychologically healthy dog in the world. Gus is very blessed to have Dr. Carter as his human companion. So adorable! 😁
Woof!
Gus provides Dr. Carter with stress reduction therapy. Gus is good at his work, so he needs lots of rest, between sessions, with Dr. C.
He has a great "master" in Dr. Carter!
When you said “your not the problem “ at the end of the video, I actually felt your honesty and love. Thank you for doing what you do. We need someone to care for us in our worlds of upside down. God bless you doc.
Veronica, I felt the same way when he said "your not the problem"
@@joannreith4135 💝🤗
You coined it accurately, Veronica: “Our upside down worlds” exactly what it continually feels like. It’s dizzying.
@@elcee7800 absolutely! After 14 years of upside down, I’m getting ready to leave him this week, God willing. Are you emotionally ready to leave yet? It doesn’t get better, it just gets worse. I’m old fashioned and believe in keeping the marriage together if possible, BUT ONLY I when it is safe and good for both people. I hope you find your freedom soon. Peace and prayers🤲🏼
You're not the problem is exactly what I needed to hear, too. My workplace is full of covert malignant narcs. They're everywhere.
THE PROJECTION IS MADDENING! I still can hardly believe the gaslighting that was fueled by the projection. And the denial of the projection boiled my blood!
I find that integrity is the best characteristic to have/use in a relationship, especially with narcissist. It won't mater what they say or tell people or try to place blame on you. If you always do the right thing and are honest and respectful nobody can pull you down and when they try, you will know what they are doing and others too.
You are so right, well said!
Yes. I had success w biblical wisdom and integrity.
And brother you will know your enemies.
Very true, and well said xxx thankyou xxx
I agree to a point. My Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disordered mom lies about me to this day. Turns out she's an excellent and persistent lier. Many in the family and family friends have believed her lies.
This has left me no choice except to extricate myself from my relatives. While emotionally painful ~ my life has been so peaceful separating myself from all the pain, drama and lies.
@@Serena.Hope.Eternal same here too. Sending you big hugs
My husband asked me why I was so unhappy in our marriage. I made the mistake of telling him. A week or two later he told me I ruined his whole life and gave me the exact reasons I had told him why I was unhappy in our marriage. I was speechless by the projection.
I fought for a long time, then began a long-term escape plan. So my methodology became to prepare and minimize the hostilities. That meant taking the projection, apologizing, fluffing, and avoiding contact, all the time thinking "you don't have a clue." Then disappearing. Haven't had contact with him for a year. The divorce is miserable; I underestimated just how awful he is. But the joy is knowing that that will be over eventually and I will be in charge of my life.
Yes you will get through, the divorce is not easy, and then the healing… it took me years after a thirty year relationship and planning for a year. Don’t expect it to happen all at once when you get divorce, there is another growth and readjust period tonight I was out dancing the night away, with new friends and people who appreciate my ‘energy’… I’m finally living my life and ‘free to be me!” Good luck on your journey, you will get through it and be so glad and proud to be yourself again x
♥️
During the divorce process, it was shocking just how down-low cruel he could get, how relentless he was, and manipulative. It left our son in a state of clinical depression. Hang in there. Today, my son said something about his dad. I replied, "I don't even follow what he does." Narcs have a mental illness...I'm all too happy to stay away from all twisted thoughts they may have.
@@donnawoodford6641
I WAS MARRIED ALMOST 21 YEARS AND I DIVORCED HIM…HE DROVE ME CRAZY & I STAYED DEPRESSED BECAUSE HE WAS/IS A MANIPULATIVE MALIGNANT NARCISSISTIC
AND HE BRAINWASHED OUR ONLY SON AND TRIED TO TURN HIM AGAINST ME, MY SON RESENTED ME BECAUSE OF THE DIVORCE, HE THOUGHT I DESTROYED THE FAMILY, HE MOVED OUT WITH HIS DADDY AT 16 AND WAS GIVEN FREEDOM, THANK GOD I RAISED HIM WELL, SO HE SURVIVED THE FULL-FREEDOM HE WAS GIVEN 🙏 HIS DAD CONFUSED HIM AND MY HEART WAS BROKEN AS I WATCHED THIS EVIL NARCISSIST AFFECT OUR ONLY CHILD 😢
THE NARCISSISTIC-EX-HUSBAND WAS INSANELY-EVIL DURING THE WHOLE SEPARATION & DIVORCE ❗️
I SURVIVED ✔️♥️🙏
I STAYED SINGLE AND 20 YEARS LATER MY SON STILL TALKS & VISITS ME SOME AND HE LOVES ME, BUT HE HAS BEEN AFFECTED BY HIS MANIPULATIVE MALIGNANT NARCISSISTIC DAD…HE IS MORE NORMAL THAN HIS DAD, BUT NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE RARELY WAKE-UP 😭 MY SON WAS MY HEARTBEAT AND I RAISED HIM WITH A MOTHER’S LOVE, COMMUNICATION, DISCIPLINE, EDUCATION, COMMON SENSE, SELF-ESTEEM, ETC…HE HAS TWO CHILDREN NOW AND I SEE HIM RAISING THEM MUCH LIKE I RAISED HIM 👍
NARCISSISTIC SPOUSES DESTROY THE LOVE AND FAMILY DYNAMICS 😑😑
I NEVER WANTED TO MARRY AGAIN, I LOVE LIVING ALONE, THE PEACE OF MIND I HAVE IS WONDERFUL 👍♥️🙏
Im so awake, alert & done this time, ending up underestimating my covert mother. As Dr C says 'Knowledge is power'!
OnceI realized I would always be "the problem", I accepted that as the narc's opinion - one that I don't agree with - and felt free to let them go. After years of compliance and being punished anyway, I realized there was nothing I could do to have a healthy, respectful relationship with this individual, so I ended it.
My thoughts exactly 💯 why I had to let it GO. 🥰 11/24/21
WOW ! YOUR Words Are MY Story !!! I made the decision only a few days ago and STILL IN SHOCK That I HAD TO DO IT !!!!! Apparently
Im also Listening To The DEVIL And NOT HIS
T R U T H .........
I am married to one. He ruined everything that was good about me. I’m trying to find a happy existence before I die.
I'm right there with you.... Keep searching... I'm seeing light... Hope you do too very soon!
@ B A Matlock
Thank you🙏🏽
Walk away.
get clarity . maybe with therapy? good luck ..
You can do it! It’s never too late ♥️
I deserve a better father(narc) than the one I have, whom I am not in-contact with for the past 119 days (since Easter of this year) . What a blessed relief!
Not only do I need to disengage, I need to finish packing up, buy that house I was approved of and start my life over putting humpty dumpty back together again. He has ruined me.
Yes.
Well done! It’s bloody hard, but it is worth it, because you will get your life back and discover your lost self, or even a better stronger self when you’ve got through the changes you need to make! Go girl x
Do it 👏
You are not ruined....you are stronger..!! Let that sink in..!!
Joanna, my hope is that you are continuing with all your progress! Wow, what positive energy to accomplish peace and the life you deserve!! Inspiring.
Because of you sir
I Will smell one from a mile away
And NEVER engage with one again
Thanks!!
You are quite welcome!
The last year of my marriage, I stopped reacting / emotionally engaging with my narc wife. At the time, I had no idea she was a narc, I had no idea that I was being psychologically abused, I had no idea that I wasn't the problem... I just knew that my instinct was telling me she wasn't safe to engage. I felt so guilty for disconnecting, but thank God I did. And thank God for experts like Dr. C who have shown me the truth and the light. She ended up discarding and replacing me. It was hellish to go through, but DEFINITELY a big blessing in disguise.
I can only wish he'd replace me,but he has no social life and barely leaves the house.until these informative videos,I hadn't a clue either. It's amazing how much better I feel following instructions from the experts, while I m still sharing the same space with "the narc"
When they tell me I'm the problem I just say "then why do you keep calling me" and that shuts things down pretty fast.
I have successfully disengaged from mys narcissistic sister by simply no longer communicating with her. It's been over five years and all is better than ever...
- No contact
- know it's not about you narc is an injured soul
- your worth matter
- you deserve goodness don't be around narc
- choose freedom, narc want to keep you in a fence
- you not the problem
I have been no-contact since Easter of this year, from my narc dad and his flying monkey/enabling girlfriend. What a relief not to deal with jerks!
Goodness and freedom are what we deserve. Wisdom, Responsibility, and Competence are ours! We are not their problems. Stay with it, Team Healthy!!! Sending big hugs.We can do this!
1. Respect yourself
2. Don't give them the time of day aka disengage
3. Keep disengaging
You make sense.
When the narcissist comes after you with venomous accusations, blame and shame, as you try to disengage, remember, it's not about you.
Otherwise, if you react emotionally, you remain tethered to them.
Thank you, Dr C for explaining that!
Accusations, blame, venom...it is not about me! Narcs are injured souls who project a lot. They hold begrudgments. Thank you dr. Les Carter
I'm free from the oppressive relationships that used to be family! Living without my father's family and so at peace and happy!
I seriously need to watch this as I was in a relationship with one while living with his mother and am still trying to escape him. The trauma they caused me will take years to get over if I ever get over it.
The competence is in you and me, I'm convinced.
Remember the kid at school you disliked?
Exactly. Same will happen to them in time.
OMG. I hate to hear that!!! Sounds just like my ex and his mother. We were even married and JCD still had someone there with her (his mom). Refered to her as the roommate. Ugh. I'm so very sorry .... Hope you find peace and freedom!!!!
His Lyn, when it finally hit me that this is a mental illness it clicked for me. If I was to bump into someone with mental problems I would disengage as soon as I could. So for me I had been trapped for 23 yrs and beaten etc but now I don’t think about revenge I think oh that poor soul is really mentally ill. I don’t know but I stopped being fixated on him and that was 30 yrs ago. Them my second was also a narcissist I did not know about narcissist until just recently. The second one lasted 11 yrs when I finally said enough. I don’t know if I explained it well enough but I feel like trauma has been lifted. When I move I will get some council but right now I feel relieved. Remember when we are upset with them they don’t even know it God bless.
@Lynlisss sounds like a double whammy!!! Please keep coming back here to team healthy & contemplate the best site I've found, with Dr. C ! Believe me, I'm 66 & narccissists began with my mother. (looking back, I see it by things said, behaviors, etc) & most of my partner's. All, with varying degrees. Step back, keep observing & working on building your own self up, up, up!!! You cannot go wrong!!! Sending blessings & 🙏 that you will find the strength to turn your life around - towards healing & ❤️
Great advice and you describe the narcissist's behavior accurately. When I finally managed to disengage, that person came back months later and tried to re-connect via email. I ignored it, never responded and I think (hoping anyway) they finally got the message and will move on to find another target, uh I mean friend. For those who think you can respond with some message to them about how well your life is going without them, think twice. You can't do that. They take your engaging again with them as a sign that you are willing to start communicating with them. Don't make that mistake. If you manage to disengage, keep it that way. Don't ever let them get their foot in the door. They don't operate on your level. Your life will be much more peaceful once you're rid of them.
agreed! I disengaged from someone several years ago, and then in about 2 years we reconnected and bam I am neck deep now. Worse than before since it was just a 'red flag' thing before. Disconnecting this time with more knowledge.
Thank you for saying I’m not the problem … it made me want to cry, with relief . You see they wear you down so you feel you are a problem . I had sincerely started to think it was me. Thank you those few words means such a lot I can’t tell you 🌸
I have learned that the narcissist will never change but thank God I have not lost my humanity and compassion. I will utilize those emotions for healthy loved ones only .Thank you Dr( Les ) Carter.
The hardest thing , is not reacting to narcissistic abuse at the workplace. Narc bosses have so much power and when they decide to target and smear their victim, you know your days are numbered. I am single and losing a job is devastating. I think that's why I get anxious and reactive because I don't have the financial resources to just shrug my shoulders. Yet, I remain my authentic self. At least I have that.
Start looking for another job
I am a disabled war veteran and my mother's immediate family members are seriously and mentally demented. Plagues with ACES /incest and addiction, routinely love to beat up mentally and isolate me and others who won't participate in their pseduomutality behaviors, aka Flying Monkey poop. My 70 y.o. alcoholic NPD mother and her sick family still attack me for running away at age 16/17, I eventually joined the military during wartime. Along with one other NPD so-called matriarch, they all engage in isolating and smearing me. Despite my public offices of service to my community and my disability from military service. I am DONE! My V.A. counselors advised me to be done with this sick family system once and for all! I have completed my Masters's Degree in Education Literacy (Ed Psychology emphasis) and have my own wellness company to help others and veterans. I am learning I am a good person and I have a lot of love and empathy to give to those who loved me more than this dysfunctional disordered family. Now the second generation (my cousins) kids and grandkids are learning the same communal behaviors and the generational cycle of dysfunction (6/7 generations this can be traced to family trauma and alcohol/addictions) continues. My four kids and I have checked out! I am DONE! Do not give up...I am going to keep living my best life! I am learning to keep making health connection skills for myself and boundaries like a MoFo!!! I am healing and healthier at age 54 than all of them put together! My faith is STRONG and I will learn to live without them. I am a person that lives and loves in peace. Praying for you all! Stay Strong!
I agree with your counselors. Self care is essential.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Sir! #Salute to your channel. It has helped me so much!
Many years ago, before the divorce, I received a five page written note about what was wrong with me. His opinion on how I needed to change, and what I needed to do about it. I know now, it was directed towards himself through me. I would love to hand it back to him.
He sounds like my father, who I am not in contact with since Easter of this year. He is toxic, I am not a dumping ground for his lousy attitude!(he projects his faults onto me, like your husband does to you). We deserve better!
Being a Christian I’m so happy to have found you! Your soft spoken loving words are extremely comforting right now to me and I’m blessed truly. I’m finding out that I’m dealing with several family members who are exerting this behavioral traits. Mother who’s is a Christian!, ex husband, and my daughter as well. I love them all so deeply. It’s been extremely hard to take abuse from the ones I love. My daughter is a wonderful beautiful young lady. But, she’s always right or your up for a fight. My mother is selfish and refuses to see her self centered behavior is sinful. Thinks she’s without flaw. My ex well HES MY EX. I have Christ to strengthen me and teach me and give me tools and bandaids to cover my wounds. Christ mercy is most amazing out of his love. He cares deeply for our pain. Praise GOD
I find Christianity to be the single most narcissistic of all God claims. The universe was designed by a god that demands love under the threat of punishment and all of it was created with you in mind? Your salvation is dependent on the vicarious redemption of your faults cast onto a sacrificial scapegoat in some bizarre bloodletting ritual? How narcissistic can a religion be, eh? Christian self importance on a supernatural level is hilarious.
I find a Christian Narcissist are the worst!
My adopted Mom was a very kind & loving Christian woman from Nebraska farm country, who gave me genuine love & acceptance for what was the 1st time in my life & turned out, the only time I ever had that amazing "Mother's Love"! She also had a good sense of humor, which came in handy with me around. She got me a T-shirt that read,
"Dear Lord, please keep Your arm around my shoulders & Your hand across my mouth." Perfect shirt for me! LMBO! Wore that shirt for years, 'til I wore it out. Mom loved me!💖
Great video Dr. Carter, I took quite a few notes. I have my own step-by-step way of disengaging from narcissists it goes like this: 1) as I meet new people, I'm open to them and pay attention to red flags. 2) As I see red flags I write them down, I keep a note on my phone where I write down what I observe, i.e. A joke at my expense, lateness, not following through on agreements, unapologetic behavior, excessive scrutiny, criticism, or flattery, insulting others while being nice to me, being mean to wait-staff, etc, anything that raises my antenna. 3) I pay attention to my gut instinct about the person and the situation, do I feel suspicious, do I feel like I shouldn't share about myself. 4) If the situation starts to get chaotic, I start to look for opportunities to exit, i.e. they yell at me for the first time, they're late and get agitated when asked about it and they didn't call ahead, they try to push me into a one-sided deal, they're trying to get me to argue with them or they push me towards losing my cool and them blame me for it, etc 5) Once I know I don't owe them anything such as money, or the finishing touches on a project, etc I put them on mute on my social media, I stop looking at their posts, I put their calls and texts on silent, give short responses, don't accept invites to anything and if done right they leave on their own. Sometimes I have to be more forceful and rip the bandaid and just say "hey this isn't working for me so I'm out, but I wish you the best." Then no contact... blocked on everything. This is how I disengage.
Very smart
Might i suggest you one more thing friend read 6 pillars of self esteem. It will help you tremendously with this.
Well yeah but some of them aren't taking it lying down and will start a smear campaign and or keep recruiting flying monkeys and sending them around and turn people against you too.
I assumed I could kindly but firmly extricate myself too, but that was me underestimating the covert narc. And this was just a casual social contact too!
There are some real vindictive manipulators out there.
This is a great note.
Sounds like you have very good, detailed plans & 'red flag' warnings...+ notes, should you need to refer to them so little things won't get lost in the 'swirly tornados' they create as a smoke screen. I commend you, as you put alot of thought into it. Trusting your gut instinct is a good idea ~ gut doesn't feel guilt, as if might be "unfair" to the person. I tend to feel bad if any chance I may be too cautious, in not trusting that person. Which is crazy! If something doesn't seem right, feels 'off', it's probably a signal & I don't need to justify protecting myself. If they try & guilt me over it, that too, should be "red flag alert"! I really like your game plan & it's a great thing to have when people try to bamboozle ~ need something solid to fall back on during a narci's "chaos & control".
People can appear selfish & not necessarily be a true narcissist - not the same thing - hate to judge someone & then find out they were just having a very 'off' day/night, or anxiety struck. I've had some times like that - panicked & came off as less than my kind, authentic & caring self. I'm a natural born empath, so narcis "can spot me a mile away!" Bad time/place to be empath! Your guidelines/plans on how to handle person/situation are really good... & not to get sucked-in by them! Can't help being an empath, nor hide it very well. I am who I am & it's all I can be, is just 'me'! I'd like to employ few of your things mentioned. Good tips!
Gus reacts the way beings do, to dignity, respect,and civility.
in german there's a figure of speech "jemanden hinausloben" - loosely translates into "praising someone out the door", meaning while one ushers someone out the literal/figurative door, they get all the undeserved praise they want/need, no matter how undeserved, just to get them out the door (home, worklplace, relationship, family, etc). then the door closes, the boundary is (re)established. they get charmed the way out just like the way they charmed themselves in in the first place
If it works....
Thank you Dr Carter. You've helped me tremendously in dealing with the narcissists in my life. Knowledge is power. 😊
Hi I am Wendy .. Dr C helped me also . He is a " Earth Angel " a Superb Man that has helped many and will continue to help many more
My narc dad thinks he looks like Jesus because he has a beard, Dad nitpicked at me, a tyrant. I have been no-contact with him since Easter of this year, what a relief!
I'm not supposed to laugh but his last illogic outburst was that "my paranoia was disturbing" that didn't correlate with anything. It reminded me of other hilarities such as he was "flabbergasted by my jealousy" that never happened, and "you're too emotional" when I asked why he was so angry to which he said,"I'm not walking on eggs" when he was throwing them. I'm not his scapegoat. You're dead on Dr Carter.
It takes deliberate focus to remove yourself from the trauma bonding of a narcissist. Unlike any normal relationship.
That guy was using classic projection.
I absolutely needed this one today. Thank you 🙏.
When I disengaged from my mum at Christmas I wrote to her & my brother explaining I needed some space from socialising with friends & family for some time to myself to sort some things out.
Immediately my mum started sending my wife emails saying how upset I made her & if it wasn’t for her friends she couldn’t cope with how I was treating her & she didn’t know what she had done to deserve this. My brother also joined in telling my wife how unfair I was being to mum.
There wasn’t a single communication that asked if I needed their support or “we’re here if you need anything”. That is still overwhelming to accept.
Your videos are so reassuring that its not me as many days I think it is. Thank you Dr Carter.
Is it common to think you are also a narc if you are constantly being abused by one?
He picked up the rest of his clothes today. I was ready tho neatly packed and by the door. Heartbreaking … yes, necessary … absolutely . So far so good, then it started, anger, blame shifting , re framing . So ok I’m not getting involved with that nonsense . 🤚No apology no how are you … yes it’s all about him. It’s amazing 4 weeks away from him and the fog has lifted and I just saw a toddler without his dummy . I did not engage in the spite I waved said goodbye , be in touch when the house documents to release you are complete. My confidence super high and I was completely sure that I am doing the right thing. I’m not the problem 🌸
I’m having to now disengage from my last family member, which is my own 21 year old son. I’ve had to disengage from my daughter, before that, my family of origin (no contact), my ex wife. I didn’t see that my own son, was a withdrawn vulnerable narcissist until about six months ago. It’s so hard! I thought he was just emotionally damaged. But the constant accusations and devaluation can’t be overlooked anymore, and I will start grey rock and disengaging. My soul is crushed, but I feel solace and comfort being offered from
Above. ❤
Yes! Dr. C, you describe exactly what happened. It took me a while to grieve and deal with anger and "how-dare-they" feelings. And "masters of projection" is the perfect descriptive phrase! These talks have helped me see the reality that it's not me! I'm willing to see my part but can't relate with someone who never sees their part--entitlement, disdain, criticism, control. I keep watching Dr. C for the validation and encouragement.
Sadly it has taken me the best part of 10 years to wake up and realise that “I am not the problem “ thanks for helping me wake up and walk away to look after myself better !
I am going through another dark soul-night. Thank you, Dr. Carter, for being there for us.
You are very welcome, Shahadah.
It's akin to boarding a luxury liner that's destined to sink. But, you don't know it until it's too late. All you can do is "man the lifeboats', so to speak, and abandon ship.
I love that comment! Man the lifeboots! 😂❤
Boats! In livesaving boots!
I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS VIDEO
I AM BEING GIVEN THE SILENT TREATMENT.FOR OVER A MONTH
IM SEVERELY TRAUMA BONDED I JUST DON’T WANT TO HURT ANYMORE.
IM STRUGGLING TO DISCONNECT FROM THIS TOXIC NARCISSISTS.
NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS VERY BRUTAL ABUSE
🌺So destructive. So painful. ❤🧡💛
@@siriastridkristensen4272 Second that ♥love and speedy healing♥
Stay strong, you can get through this.
Disengaged by moving 2500 miles away- no contact- sooo sad as it is my only sibling💔thank you, as always, Dr. C😔
Thank you!❤ My narcissistic mother scares me to kick me out (it would be illegal because i still have the college to finish) because i ask her not to disturb me when i want to sleep. She slams doors in the morning and wakes me up and when I am askimg her no to do that she always respond with ,,you can move out"( to move out i would have to drop from college because of my schedule i would not have time to work full time to live on my own)
Go to a counsellor in the college and ask for accommodation
You deserve a better mother! College is hard enough without a narcissistic mother who abuses you!
I am not the problem. It’s a shame I had to learn that, it’s a shame I was made to feel that way. I am not the problem. I take responsibility for myself and I’m putting my health first. I’m going to survive this.
It's not about me...what is about me. Your needs are separate from the narcissist. You deserve goodness. Somehow if they think me pursing goodness is a bad thing let them think whatever. I want to be free I want to be able to choose for myself. You need to have the opportunity to take your own responsibility for your own life. The fact is you have the ability to life your life appropriately.
Exactly! You deserve goodness and you need to do what you have to to achieve that x
This is so spot-on, thanks!
I also found it helpful learning about the Karpmann Drama Triangle (anyone can find it on wiki).
The drama triangle is composed of the roles of perpetrator, victim and rescuer. It clarifies what’s going on in relationships with Narcissists and any co-dependent relationship. You get assigned a role in the relationship with the NPD - a role as their rescuer (you have to continually be “loyal”, back them up, not criticize even a tiny bit and for sure never question their own responsibilities in the perpetual drama).
And may the good Lord help you if you don’t play that role. Automatically they are the victim and you are the perpetrator of great wrong against them.
Even worse is when you try to withdraw from the drama triangle altogether. Narcissistic rage, scorched earth attacks! Lies, twisting of your words, misrepresentation of your whole character… and then they try to draw in people you know in common as their “rescuer” and distort your reputation with them, and divide you from them… all while playing the victim role.
I have been through this one so many times unfortunately until I finally learned not to engage, to be ok with myself and stand in my own integrity.
You know when you’re dealing with a real NPD when they never forgive you for being yourself.
"you are at your very best when you are living inside a sense of freedom (and peace!!!). it's essential!!!" every time my codependency wants me to go back, you remind me to be me (and I remember how much time I've spent with them NOT being me)
One special word lasted a little longer ; ’freedom’ that word i will remember….
I got stuck.
I got stuck in defending myself. Because I moved so much as a child none of my family has been close enough to actually get to know me independent of what my narcissist has told them.
When it all fell apart and my family took the side of my abuser, I felt this compulsion to explain who I am, to the deaf.
I've moved past that now because I simply will never get to have a voice of my own in this disfunction.
Now, I don't care. And it's a dangerous place. They have never wanted to be a part of my life or they would have at least put some effort in. I know where I'm not welcome so I no longer want any contact with any of them.
I'm not a revenge type person but I'm going to focus now on living my best life, kinda outta spite. And a deep need to listen to myself.
Thank you, Dr. Carter! The ultimate thing to learn from your posts here is that the narcissist is trying to ensnare with falsehood and place a false interpretation into a person’s mind to alleviate some sad, desperate need. All we have to do is understand who we are as individuals and that there is little wrong so much that we do not get pulled into their disastrous mind and world.
May God bless you and your ministry, Dr. Carter!
Matthew 15:1-20 *"Defilement* *Comes* *from* *Within"*
13 But He [Jesus] answered and said, “Every plant which My heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. 14 *Let* *them* [i.e. the self-defiled people] *alone.* They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch.”
I pray for every person that has and is suffering from such toxic people; in particular that they may find true and supportive groups for that they belong, heal, and thrive. In addition, for those toxic people I pray that God would intervene because it is God's desire that no-one should perish.
Unfortunately there are quite a few of them over there in a ditch, but they call it a country lane.
Going 'no contact' is not always possible or desirable. I went silent on mine and stopped responding to messages after explaining that I was uncomfortable with communicating with them. When I saw her in person I talked to her because it was at a gathering where it couldn't be avoided. However, I remained silent on the chat app we used. She tried twice to reconnect under false pretenses after the gathering, and then tried to guilt trip into responding, claiming the silence was really hurting and harming her. She then deleted me from the chat app we both use.
Sometimes it is best to force their hand.
Self love and self respect is the narcissist achillies heal
“Those who anger us controls us.”
-Unknown
Yes, I want to have healthy interactions! You can't with those who cannot or will not engage well with others. It's like having a battle of wits with an unarmed person! When you can realize that they're the weaker in inner strength, it's easier to "allow" them to be unhealthy *without* you. Ignoring the hot bs they project is crucial! Let them trap, ensnare, & corner themselves by their own choices of behavior, & stay in DR& C to your OWN self instead! 💓🌺☺
I'm getting by, wouldn't say I'm doing well but surviving, problem is its a small town, I saw her last night and I'm back to feeling devastated again, I know it'll pass but at the time I want the ground to swallow me up.
Thank you Dr. Carter! I started watching your videos because I was dealing with a covert narc at work. After quitting my job and working on my healing I was stuck and didn't know why. As I continued to watch your videos to understand why I kept falling into the same trap I started to see that the problem was also within my household. The red flags were all around me but I was so consumed with what I was dealing with outside my home that I was blind to what was going on inside. I am currently working on myself, building boundaries and my plan to leave. He is following the exact pattern of contacting my family to convince them that something is wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me, my eyes have finally been opened!!
I think Gus has a clear conscience....
That's a fair assumption!
In the last 2 years your videos have helped me understand my life over the last 50 years of married life and are now helping me rebuild and find the real me! I’ve been lost caring for someone who has not cared back - no emotion, no empathy, no compassion, no interest (unless it was for their own means). Divorce is my only option to find the real me and by me walking away, for my husband to realise that I am not nor have been the problem in his life, it is deep within him.
You've reclaimed your power and worth!!
Gus is a good boy! He seems to have the right plan 😃
When the divorce the covert was in action, he said 'you are the cause of all my problems'. it has taken very long, so thankful for this channel, to see we are not the cause of anything in another adult person.
That's what the narcissist does. They'll try to make you their slave and while doing it say "You're selfish! It's all about you isn't it?"
@@rwdchannel2901 Yeppers 24/7 and starting from the beginning, when the earth was still cooling. Thank you needed affirmation!
Right. He has an emotional toddler mindset in an adult body. This is a striking example of narcissistic person.
she used to tell me I was the selfish one.....and i believed it.
Going on 4 months sobriety and there is NO looking back but to see the difference- NO drama and all that went with it
People are Gods problem and He doesn’t have any 🙂
And it’s not mine either- that’s the ♥️
Masters of projection. Yep. My wife does that with ease. Everything she is or has done--she says I am with a straight look.
Hi Dr C! I can't help but giggle when I look at gorgeous Gus while you're talking! He sure is happy!!!🐕
YES!! ALL OF THIS!! The other day I gathered all of our garbage and bagged it all up bc it was heaping and spilling over the top of our can out in the garage. He came out and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was tired of the mess and just trying to clean it up. He told me then that his boss was trying to stop ppl from bringing garbage in to their dumpsters ( which is how he got rid of ours bc he didn't want to have to pay a garbage man... ) So I just said "Oh.. Is that why you haven't taken the garbage in?" HE WENT TOTAL BERSERK!!! CALLING ME BI POLAR And saying that HE CANNOT TALK TO ME AND WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHINH ABOUT ME?? AND OH YEAH.. ANOTHER THING THAT HE DOESN'T DO AROUND OUR HOUSE... I just looked at him and threw my hands up in the air and said Wow.. Excuse me as I tried to get past him as he was blocking the door to get bk in the house. He Continued verbally attacking me at the top of his lungs as I just went up to my room and in my bathroom where I turned on the bathroon fan to Try to drown out his CRAZY, SCREAMING RANT!!!! STILL HEARD HIM, SO I then Turned on the cold water faucet and flushed the toilet to try to drown out his screaming calling me The Problem and Why do I have to make Everything about me?! And how Bi Polar I am.... ( Just by saying, "oh, is that why you haven't been taking our garbage in?" ) Can You say... PSYCHO???
Depending on where you live, you may have garbage recycling in your area. Google it and see. Most don't charge for the service.
Video Idea: What can the child of a narcissistic parent do, 1. while underage and trapped in the home, a nightmare from which you never can awaken; and 2. when old enough to move out, how to disengage in a way that might possibly still retain positive connection with some member of the extended family (all of whom they will play vulnerable injured saint to; they trash you royally as an ingrate if you escape their clutches).
Been there sine that and I feel for you. Use the gray rock method to keep any communication to a minimum. Don't try to get anyone to side with you in their flying monkeysquad, you will get frustrated as they pretend they don't know. Get a good education as quickly as possible so you can get your own place and get out. Praying to God helped me alot. Good luck to you.
Dr. Carter, I cannot thank you enough for so clearly explaining and validating experiences of survivors of narcissistic abuse. Listening to your teaching these past couple months has significantly helped me heal and grow beyond the trauma, put experiences in healthy perspective, and respond with peace. God bless you!!
Thanks so much for this good feedback, Tina.
I've done it! I've never bruised his ego and made it feel like it's best for him..phew I'm lucky that I was able to leave without the smear campaigns and all that.
Gus is over there crashed out! Hahaha 🤣 pets are awesome! I had dogs and cats when married to the narc and was only thing that saved me! Distracted me from the hell and the bad thoughts and confusion! God bless dogs & cats for therapy! I have a wonderful cat now and it’s amazing love ❤️
My first timid step to mental freedom was 40 years ago when i read the book 'Families and how to survive them' by John Cleese and his therapist Skinner. My neighbour and friend, we were mesmerized by it for months and it left a lasting impression and change in us.
Character assassination carries on even when no contact for nearly a year , they are still at it behind the scenes with anyone who will listen . It's hard not to react but I am learning that ignorance is bliss . Thank you for helping me understand .
"No offense to Gus on that."😄 😅 Thank you for the video Dr. C! (and the laughs).
This narc told me he was a narc, and that I was so "emotional" and continued to tell me I was so replaceable. He could go out and find any women like me..the cheating lying women that WE all are, even though i Never did). He constantly told me I was so replaceable and just like every other women in the world. I couldn't help but just be hurt for so long. He would tell me if I could tell him each and Every Little thing he did wrong he would change it. I told him I couldnt without constantly writing everything down. But the double standard of behavior was alarming and it finally hit me, He will never change when he told me he would go to counseling but the counsler would agree with him and confirm his behavior. He is the most cocky narc i have ever met. Women are throw away toys for him. Shocked truely shocked.
Thank you for your help to escape.
Hi, Terri!
Set boundaries and limit communication. If family, love them from a distance.
Gus was all tuckered out.
I grew up with two narcissists as parents, but didn't realise this - or how traumatic my childhood was - until I was 40. Why do you think this is? I've had to cut them both out of my life for good.
children do not know they are being abused. or the name for it when you figure it out.
Same for me had to cut off my Dad and may have to cut off my Mom too
I didn’t realize my dad was a narc until after he died and I was well into my forties. I knew he was mentally unstable and difficult, but didn’t know there was a name for it. To be fair, I understand how it happened for him and his brother. Their mother died when they were toddlers and their father abandoned them. Add into that mix that their father (my grandfather) also seems narcissistic, they didn’t have a chance. It wasn’t until I was free from him that I was able to really enjoy life for myself. I stopped concerning myself about what he would think before I made a decision.
@@aafm Thank you, your comment is so lovely I have tears. I appreciate that.
@@Chris-tg3qy Thank you for sharing, Chris
You are the best counselor ever...thank you Dr. Carter❣️ I have much confidence that the decision i made to disengage and reclaim my freedom is the correct decision. It is so sad to me, that a person has that much need to control another person in the first place.
You are so welcome
🎢🎪🐒I disengaged for 6 months and my life was dramatically different. She shows up in a rage to my door . At 83 pounding like the swat team , ringing the bell like a maniac, yelling and threatening to call the police if I didnt let her in. Her excuse was she wsnted to look at my broken water heater. She thinks she owns me. She wrote an 8 page letter trashing me. She is very mad that Im not going go be her supply anymore.
I found my place of peace, and I stay there.... even though the narcs try to disturb my peace, I will fight to get it back, quickly. Wash Rinse, Repeat.
Thank you for every word of this. Especially living inside a sense of freedom, i have the right to choose my boundaries. No contact for almost 3 years. Still living in fear. Still getting contact attempts on significant dates. Its awful. Actually at the stage of thinking to sell and move.
I want to become as peaceful as his dog laying on the couch!
Gus thanks you.
this is so twisted, it's hard to wrap my brain around this. But I still need to know HOW to disengage. Totally and completely. Block the phone number and everything....
I realize i have bben a very damaged Narcissist all my life. I have to disengage from my narcissist older siblings too. I am 68yo still single and am way too self centered to have a relationship yet. Still hoping i can change enough to have a healthy one before i die,.
That is so true, knowing ourselves is our best weapon against manipulators. .
I am disengaged from most forms of narcissists. Your videos bring to light the ones that were under the radar which help me with my future. What's left of it lol 🤣 Thanks Dr.C 😊
Haha
Hey! These days with Dr C. and us saying hello to eachother on the chat, they are so good days. Always feel better when been here. You're always so kind and wise to me, so let me just tell you, you have a lot of life to live. A good life. It can only be better. Thanks for beeing here and beeing you! See you soon! Love, Annie
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
Freedom!
So true Dr Carter, thank you for continuing to teach us what we need to release. No it's not about me 🙏❣️☀️🙋🙏
We cannot give that which we don't have.
It's so important to respect and love ourselves in a healthy manner.
I love Gus
I'm rather fond of him too.
This is the video for me! Sometimes I feel badly about it but I know that it is best for my mental health and self esteem.
My narcissist is angry, rude and controlling and complains that I misinterpret her responses and she projects constantly.
I kept making excuses for my sister and niece regarding their behavior. All the while feeling devalued, crushed by their cruelty. I began reading about the narrcisst and arranged counseling to help me cope. My counselor said she never suggests complete
ly separating from a family member, but in my case it would be best. If you picked up a snake and it bit you would you pick it up again and again? Even then it took awhile. FINALLY, I just walked away. It feels so good to have peace and feel whole again. Seriously there were times I thought I was dealing with the devil...Thank God those relationships are over.
I have been practicing Grey Rock 🪨 with no contact and working on disengaging on all emotional, mental, physical and spiritual. I feel the power and focus
Thank you, much needed advice right now. They are over 80 with rapidly failing health. Blissful no contact for 18 months. For my own sake, I know I need to re establish some kind of contact. That is the person I want to be. But this time I will have strong boundaries on the ready, going grey rock as soon as needed. A very kind person offered to help so neither one of us has to make the first step. Wish me luck.
a narc can not, will not be honest... thats it right there. good to see you all today - I am disengaging from chat for a while - be well and good to yourselves. I'll still be watching. 💖❤🔥
Ok, Patty 👍 - glad your still around & listening though, peace within ☮️✌️
@@sallyjaynes2433 thank you. I am sure I will be making appearances here in the peanut gallery section! This is usually where I am the most comfy and of the most use. 😁🤗 my multitasking abilities are slowing down a bit - hard to listen and read lately. I am distracted. I have a narc in my complex now that is trying to cause every person here as much trouble as she can & I am on high alert whether I want to be or not. She tried to get the autistic girl next to her evicted because she has a fence. She got her arrested but not evicted. She has tried to get me evicted for my fence. She got the autistic young man above her evicted as of Friday. I wrote mgmt & told them what has really been transpiring & they made him move anyway. She's got some kind of thing going with the maint man. she's a covert malignant. I know how to handle assholes like her but I have to be on constant alert to the end of my lease. I dont have any money to move. My covert malignant mother made sure I have no disability diagnosis file to fall back on. When she stops working I am not sure how I will get the rent paid. And now I have this crapbag to deal with. I dont bother anybody around here - but I do live in the front apt where I see everything. I already told that woman to stay away from me so she tried to take my 8.5 yards of fence. jealous of 8.5 yards of fence. and since none of us are going to let the mgr bully us we dont expect to have our leases renewed. I already know I am moving in January. Already started saving for it. these new mgrs are pushing agenda 21 anyway and its time to move again. every 2 years. I'm just hangng on to whatever small bit of happiness I can find here until I'm gone. and that means spending time looking for places to live as well as trying to find some way to pay for a new fuel pump and tank. Its not completely failed yet, but its working on it. i know the signs as my jeep did the same thing. they are both chrysler products & I've been around, so I know what's what with most vehicles. I get tired of men asking me why I think a certain thing has failed or needs replacing if I TRY to pay someone else to do it so I dont have to hurt my hands. condescending pricks. The fuel pump should have already been replaced if the asshat would have just did it. So I have a lot on my mind right now & its hard to keep up with chat. LOL
@@skinnyway Evening my friend 🙏. You are such a compassioned human as a comfortable share with me of multi issues going on for you. Trust me, understand apartment complexes or condo/townhome plus family leaning/co-signing lease bearing - bless my mother (God rest her soul) was my friend. My Husband (Covert Narc) had a fuel pump ($$) go also. Complexes & living in them with neighbors right by your side or on top or below can be challenging. Is your job status ok or older now/health?, mine is in-between. Stay cool 😎 to your good self, peace for peace ☮️✌️. #teamhealthy #dr.c
@@sallyjaynes2433 thanks, Sally.
Wow, just described my husband. I take it and try to break through, can't get there. So sad, so much potential with this dark side. I pray for him daily.
Do you pray for yourself daily?