Do YOU feel like THE BAD ONE for leaving a narcissist?
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The bad thing about being an empath...you feel sorry for assholes too
You’re damned if you do, and you’re even more damned if you don’t.
That's the feeling exactly.
EXACTLY!
The guilt you feel comes from a false sense of responsibility. You are not responsible for how poorly their life turns out when you leave. That's on them. They are grown adults! They are responsible for their own choices!
I need to hear this. I always here people say my ex ruined my life for breaking my heart but other people dont think that way. If they keep messing up relationships that's on them not on us for breaking their heart.
That's exactly it. I had never connected it. Thanks for your comment.
So true but do we listen?😢
Over responsibility is such a challenging thing. But it needs to be overcome if you’re gonna have a chance at a real life and real inner freedom
Thanks for this comment!!!! I REALLY need to read this many x a day!!!
Here is another reality....when you stay to spare your children, you are showing the kid it is ok to treat you the way the narcissist treats you.
Kids learn how to manipulate.
They learn how to gaslight.
They learn controlling behaviors.
If you think your spouse hurts you ....wait until your kids do it.
Domestic offenders will turn the kids against you. I have seen it a lot. There is one video of a man who had one of their kids video taping his abuse of his wife. He encouraged kids to hit her....on video tape.
The police found the tape. The kids got deprogramming....Thank God. But it happens frequently. Abuse often escalates.
For me it’s the opposite, I watched my mom being mistreated she stayed “for me” and now I have a hard time leaving and tolerate just like she did and I feel stuck :(
@@JessSeaHeart ua-cam.com/video/H9j9oRYxgWA/v-deo.html&si=SdU0xdX4ZNU6N1kw
We definitely don't become abusers by seeing it. A whole lot of times we become extremely empathic peace makers. That alone can make us targets.
But a lot of the time, the kids have to side with the narcissist for survival. This story is one that happens and breaks my heart. A classmate of mine went through this.
EXACTLY!! I firmly believe we should leave abusive relationships FOR THE KIDS! #1. To show them that abuse is NOT ok. #2. To teach them they can leave a bad situation if they ever need to #3. So that the kids can have a healthy childhood at least half the time with the sane parent. #4. So that the kids don't grow up watching live action abuse.
@@steelcarnations2207 Couldn’t agree more💝
@@steelcarnations2207 so well said 🙏
"Blaming victims is a way of life in this culture." This, 1000 times this. I was blamed for staying. I was blamed for leaving. I was told that I was bringing shame on my family by divorcing. I was told that if I didn't leave, I was complicit in my abuse. I was told that my children would be harmed if I stayed. I was told that my children would be harmed if I left.
I decided that all those other voices weren't as important as saving myself, and while I couldn't stop my kids from suffering the damage that had already happened, I could at least try to get us all to safety.
You can't "win" a narcissistic relationship. You can only survive one, or not.
I chose survival, and damn the opinions of those who believe I should feel guilty for that. I'm done with listening to them.
tell them in a single line that they don't even know the half of what u hv gone through or had to go through bfr throwing out such unsolicited advice.. don't let such ppl gaslight u.. u knw ur truth & god knows the truth.. and truth always wins in the end..
I totally second you there, absolute lose/lose situation and nobody wants to engage with your truth
You are as strong as a warrior for having so much love, don't ever let somebody tell you that's your weakness. You know your life and only you can judge it.
My mom didn't leave. She died at 49 of a sudden deadly brain tumor that came out of nowhere. I was only 23, my brother 18. My narc dad didn't care. He treated her like crap because she couldn't do stuff for him anymore and I had to step in as the son and take care of her sudden eol plans. Now I'm 30 and had to cut my dad out of my life, against my mother's wishes, because his abuse became just too much, and I have to contemplate on what went on in their marriage with my therapist, because mom is dead and dad thinks he's perfect. Don't do that to your kids future. I know it was not my mom's intention
Hang in there. Stay strong! You're an amazing son, and I firmly believe that your mom DOES now fully see the truth from "behind the veil," and it IS what she'd want for your life now. She's proud of you. And if you don't believe in an afterlife then just believe that if she COULD see you now... she'd approve.
I’m so sorry for what you went through. My condolences. But I have to say, thank you for your comment. It is helpful. I have a 4 year old son and his well-being is my only hesitation to leave. But I don’t want this to happen to him. My health is already abysmal from this marriage. I won’t let this be us as long as I can help it.
@Mama.bear. you're welcome. I don't know your situation, so I'm not trying to interfere or tell you what to do, but from my experience, your husband is not going to change. Leave him for your child's well-being if you are able to and that is possible. He isn't going to change no matter what tactics you try...
We are siblings. My mother refused to divorce when I begged her to do so in my childhood. She got cancer in her 50s and passed away 7 years later. Guess what my narc father did on the second day my mom passed away? Gaslighted me and tricked me to give up her inheritance with a huge series of lies. I finally cut him off, against her wish. And then a wave of smear campaign came my way. I really wish that she divorced him when I was small.
Stay strong, bro! Children of narc parents deserve dignity even though that’s not how our parents treat us.
@linhuang5267 hugs to you and thank you for sharing. It stinks that someone else understands. I have an amazing partner who stands by me and that helps a lot. I hope you stay strong too.
Dra Ramani - I have endured horrific behavior for 62 years by my father. My mother died in 2015, I got Cancer in 2016, had treatment for cancer until 2018, and my father remarried in 2019. It does not matter whether you stay and do your best to keep the family together.. there will come a time where you are too sick, tired and can no longer walk on egg shells and take the constant unending abuse. JUST KNOW, the second you finally stop having holiday dinners with your father's best NEW family, is the day you get disowned regardless how much you have done your whole life walking on egg shells etc... IF I could turn back time 40 years, I would say to myself...Pack up and move away from my awful, hurtful family. I couldnt do it because I would have felt awful and guilty and so bad about myself. But guess what... I stayed and I am disowned and I feel awful, guilty and so bad about myself. So incredibly ironic.
Hey there....I know exactly what you mean. I have very similar situations in my life where I did things to keep the peace in the family, only to be disowned later on. But you know what? You don't have to feel guilty for them disowning you. You know that you did the best you could ---and put up with more than you should have--- and that this estrangement is not because of you. It is *not* because of what you chose but what *they* chose. I remember running into my cousin who flat out asked, "are you still not talking to your sister?" and I said to her, "let's get something straight. I don't know what she has you and some of the family believing, but I didn't stop talking to her. She stopped talking to me" and her jaw dropped because apparently my sister was going around saying that I had cut her out of her life and that she was the victim. And I have other similar stories. So, my point is that you can raise your head up and say to yourself that you did the best you could and that none of this is your fault. And the truth will be known and prevail in the end. I'm sorry for all you've gone through and for being sick. My hope for you is that you will be healthier because of no longer having that type of stress in your life ♥,,
I'm so proud of you. I'm 37 and learning of this. As an honour to all the women who came before me, I'm out! I will honour that I have more choices and even though it is hard, goodbye! 🙏🏾
Don't feel bad about yourself. YOU DID IT. you freed yourself. Live your life. Even if it is for a minute more.
You are letting your family hold a mirror so that you reflect the emotions they should be owning up to. You still have time to leave and take care of yourself I hope.
I wouldn't have left if they hadn't died that's the horror. Get out of you can and good luck in all you do; you are so brave remember that.❤
Absolutely NOT! I feel liberated. I was the scapegoat all of my life, but now, at 58 years old, NO MORE! I don't care anymore. I'm moving on and caring for myself. My prayers and blessings to everyone on this channel. I pray that everyone finds their spiritual healing journey 🙏 ❤
How did you finally get out???? I desperately need to leave my toxic family's house.
@cindy7733 My narc mom went to live in a retirement home last April. What a relief! I do not contact her at all. I live on my own. My mom left her house to my 2 sons. My mom pretty much turned my family against me right from the start by labeling me as the "scapegoat"
I keep to myself. It has been hard at times, but it is better than being with negative people. I wish you all the best on your spiritual healing journey 🙏
GOOD FOR you! Trying to get there too!
Thank you. I hope I can be as strong as you.
I don't blame you for not contacting her at all. I can definitely relate to being completely scapegoated. My 5 siblings hate me, my mother, and now my nieces and nephews think i'm the bad guy...not to mention other flying monkeys in the family. I am so mentally done....I just need to find a job that pays a living wage...haven't been able to find one but when I do it's "goodbye forever." I'm so glad you are free from their negativity. I know you didn't deserve any of it!!!!! @@ricardajames5769
Everyday I don’t see my kids because she lied to the courts I feel guilty. Everyday I don’t see my old friends because she ruined my reputation I feel shame. Every month I write a check that takes from me I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. Every time I show up to court I have to face lies and gaslighting with zero emotion otherwise the finger is pointed at me. I can only show remorse for all the things she says about me to the judge which makes it even worse because I can’t tell the truth.
But most of all I feel regret for not listening to myself all those years ago when the red flags were telling me not to marry her. And then later when she was treating me like crap to divorce her. And I didn’t. She took my kids. Our marriage. I lost my home. I lost my family and friend support system because of her. The experience was horrible. The trauma is still catching up to me. Trying to explain it to people just makes it worse and not being able to explain it to people also sucks.
It’s the worst form of abuse. Feeling unheard and alone.
I feel and hear your pain. I left a 13 yr marriage...got nothing, no house, no money and he promised all along we would have children. I have none. My reputation was smeared too. I didn't know at the time it was narcissistic. I then got into another relationship which just ended. Again, saw red flags like the marriage, didn't listen to them. Just NOW seeing what narcissistic relationships are. Guilt, self blame and loss.
I feel alone too.. You are not alone. Be here and learn like I am from this community. I am making an effort to join a local church, or if not religious you could maybe find a group doing an activity you like, set small goals for yourself. Be gentle with yourself. I had to hold down 3 jobs at one time to make ends meet. Do it for YOU bc you deserve to be happy. I always told myself about my husband that ONE DAY it will come back and bite him in the A**.
My mom, now finding out, was also a narcissist. Dr Ramani is bring healing to our lives. It may be slower for some than others. Baby steps. There are many here that feel your pain and you are not alone. I wish for you a healing that your light can shine and give you peace.
Same here, I have been dragged through the courts multiple times for made-up things they could not begin to prove were real. They openly admitted in court documents that it was all retaliatory and the judge did nothing.
In the end, their lawyer told them to drop their lawsuit before we got to trial because they had nothing and would lose. Nothing was gained for this by anyone. All it was was a huge waste of time and money because I stood up to them for once.
if you need someone to chat about it, I would be happy to listen. Stay strong.
you always seem to put out a new video with a topic that directly applies to a situation I’m currently going through, thank you for all your hard work!
I know, she knows exactly how relationships with narcissists affects us and we all relate to her videos. She is providing such a valuable public service for victims of narcissism and helping so many. She really does deserve a medal. Thank you Dr Ramani!
I will definitely be buying your book ❤️
Me too! 😊It's SO COOL! 😎
Me, too ❤
Likewise. That's what makes Ramani the "leading expert in narcissistic abuse" as Mel Robbins accurately pointed out in an episode of her channel. Sometimes it's awkward, almost mystical imo, but always a blessing.
Thank you Dr Ramani …. You’ve helped me so much, educated me in so many ways, snd have helped me realize it’s not ME!!!
Oh, he definitely did his damndest to convince us both I was the bad one for leaving.
Many times, I tried to get away, convinced I could not endure another minute of the hell I was living.
But that's when he'd switch gears, lay the guilt on me for, "giving up and abandoning him like everybody else did." And I was such a sucker, to keep falling for it.
Because how can you turn your back on someone you love, when they're broken, crying, and clearly needing help? When they have you convinced that they will self-destruct without you?
Frankly, I lost count of how many times I tried to get away; had to have made it into triple digits.
Until I finally built up a tolerance to the same thing happening every time, eventually realizing it was all for show, to have the desired effect.
THAT'S when I finally got free.
And now I hear, that's his "proof" I was the problematic one, with a personality disorder. Because I, "abandoned" him when he, "needed" me the most, so I clearly have zero empathy and am not capable of kindness.
Part of breaking free, was learning to be okay with being the bad guy, in someone else's fictional narrative.
Same lines, like about "abondoning them like everyone else" (Yeah, then DECENT adults own that they are the common denominator and have personal work to do to change that) ...
But also the hypocrisy that most of the time, they do not reciprocate the very expectations they have of their Supply and others... They can abandon you when you are very ill, or bereaving a loss, or under pressure to meet important goals/ deadlines, but how dare you do such to them (often for far less trivial compulsive wanty-ness)!
Sorry that so many of us have gone through these dynamics, and for all the systems I see it rampant in.
Keep sharing Narcissistic/ Psychological Abuse Awareness, and valuing Healthy Boundaries of our mutual well-being being a non-negotiable equitable right to others' (took me almost 50 yrs to learn that).
Similar story here. For me, it was the outrageous levels of pointless manipulation and open lies that got to me. It never mattered to them what they were doing. They just lied more when caught and called out.
I'm sitting here watching this video after having left my husband of 8yrs TWO DAYS AGO. He really does have CPTSD, he really does need a support system. But he's also a narcissistic abuser and for 8yrs I have slowly lost who I am. Being bent, twisted and shaped into somebody I no longer recognize just to be that support for him. My now adult child cut contact, our baby died, I lost all my teeth from health issues pertaining to that baby, I have gained 70lbs, am no longer confident and independent and just so so much more. No more feeling guilty for breaking free.
No more. Thank you for these videos. You cannot know how much help you have been over this last year of trying to get out.
Oh, wow. I am so sorry but glad you got out. Sending you hugs and love ♥♥♥
Sending you much love and understanding. I am leaving the narc here in a week. I have had enough I have not suffered for as long as you, its been 9 months, that's enough.
It's true, you feel like you're losing who you are, but I left too, and trust me, in time you'll see you're never less of a person. But it certainly gets to feel that way in the last few days before freedom. You just need a little bit of peace and quiet and you'll be alright.
Congratulations on choosing yourself and your mental health ♥️
This video reminds me of the fact that one day most people realise that their parents aren't perfect. Intentional alienation is bad, but constant exposure to a toxic parent is just as bad.
After both children left for college and I became disabled (worked 30yrs with MS) the emotional abuse from my narcissistic spouse became unbearable. I was so depressed that I started feeling suicidal. On my 60th birthday I signed a lease in another state, sold my home, donated all my worldly possessions and left my marriage of 34 years. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I eventually had to go no contact because he continued to gaslight me and blamed me for breaking up our family. I thank you for your important work and for giving me the strength to finally leave. It’s been a year of healing and unfortunately I was just diagnosed with cancer which I will happily fight alone because I will never fall victim to narcissistic abuse again. TY Dr. Ramani you’ve changed my life! ❤
It’s so hard to leave! In the end, was the only thing I could do. Just keep moving! The biggest regret I have is I should have loved myself more and left sooner! The pain gets less, life gets good again! It’s Beautiful and tragic. Life goes on..
I’ve lived that too. I didn’t leave until I knew I did everything in my power to make it work. Everything I did good, he counteracted or dismissed. I knew beyond any doubt i needed to leave. The day I left, I had no second guesses or regrets. I slept great that night and forward. His girlfriend moved right in my home within days of me leaving. I still slept well and things became so clear after I left. No more gaslighting, dismissals, neglects; when he got the divorce papers and the list of financial claims, he freaked out and asked me back. I said no. I wasn’t spiteful, I was moving forward and taking care of myself. He was financially fine after our divorce…. His freak out was a control prompt I ignored. I love my life now without him in it.
My Mom is a Narc and I married one. That must be common.
I’ve grown leaps and bounds!
I have cut a narcissistic sister out of my life and am very clear that it was the right thing for me to do. Still, there is guilt and shame from within and from my other family members. I work very hard to manage it all. It is difficult tedious work however I would absolutely rather work at that than the toxic destructive relationship I previously had with my sister.
It's a difficult thing to do, but sometimes very necessary.
Agree.
No, I feel bad for not leaving sooner. My mother, brother, ex boyfriends...ugh. No more a narc 🧲 magnet
Same thoughts. An ex covid narc (we where together 10 years) but I left him for 9 years ago. This february the 26th he died.
My Sister - but I Grey rock here since a couple of years ... at least.
I also left an old "friend" - 18 years we where friends but she turné out to be VERY toxic personality at the last 5-6 years of our friendship. So I left her.
It was like too lift 2 tons of Stones from my shoulders.
When I learnt myself of NPD when I had left my ex narc partner I also understand that even my elder Sister AND that old friend are hsving exactly the same behavior as NPD:s.
That's why I Grey Rock my Sister nowadays and left my old friend ... I feel FREE - at last 🙏 0:03
I did for a long time feel the guilt because of the kids, My attorney asked me why I didn't leave sooner, I didn't have an answer for him at that time. It's never easy to do when you have children.
Exactly. Feel bad??? Nope!😁
Same. I am so sad to myself for not knowing and not ripping myself away from my mum and my family sooner. I'm trying to divide our stuff now whilst she's abroad. She will come back to nothing from me. I'm so tired.
Good luck it’s so hard to stop being a magnet
My son was 12 when I took him and left my narcissistic ex. Leaving was the greatest gift I could ever give him. I went no contact. And all three of my kids chose to go no contact with their father. Leaving can be a very positive change for kids.
Thank you! This is helpful. 🤍
My daughter is 12 and I left 2 weeks ago and did no contact. She is with me and 💯supportive ❤️
@amilabalic9417 very best wishes. 💜 Leaving was the greatest gift I could ever give my son. It is a journey with lifes ups and downs, but everything is easier to handle without my ex around. My son was begging me to leave for years. Having your kids supportive of you leaving is wonderful. It's harder when the kids feel torn. Reunification counseling was ultimately in the divorce agreement, but since my ex refused to go, my son never had to see his father. If you have questions, please feel free to leave another comment hear
...here, and I will be happy to respond. Every situation is different. And state laws vary. But I am happy to communicate. My son is 20 now. If you are able to connect with a domestic violence support group, please do. That can be huge. Even if there was no physical violence. Mental abuse is abuse. Pleaae take good care.
💜💜💜
Holly
Thank you for today's journal entry quote (😁😁😁😁), you said... "Is it abusing someone or is it leaving the abuse what is the bad thing?" Thank you for the perspective. IT JUST clarifies everything (AN AHA MOMENT), and just gives me more validation that I'm not wrong for leaving, I'm not married I don't have kids so I just substituted that scenario (for my family of origin) I grew up in a very (sadistic narcissistic) family system and they all told me about a year and a half ago to F-off, at first I was blaming myself I thought I was in the wrong for leaving. THANK YOU, for helping me understand that it WASN'T MY FAULT and I needed to get out just to SURVIVE.
the biggest issue when you up and leave is that the most of the abuse is not recognized by the children or for that matter other people, so when you up and leave AND can't explain narcissism to your children, it looks like you just got tired of being married. This with kids under 18 but older than toddler. AND once you leave, you will be gaslighted 10 times worse once you do leave.
This!!!!!
I'm in a business partnership with a couple of narcs. The one that's hardest to deal with is the covert narc. I feel like I'm kicking a puppy when I set a boundary with her. I trauma-bonded with her based on her backstory, which is truly tragic. Yet, my backstory is truly tragic too, these days I choose myself. It's still hard tho.
The reason why is because they behave childlike. You would never leave a child, right? You have to believe that you do not deserve to be treated like this, and then know your worth and value. Remind yourself that she is an adult, not a child. It takes time but it works. Stay strong 💪🏻 ✨️
I filed for separation 5 months ago. Still having to live with him for financial reasons but looking forward to moving on. Thanks Dr. Ramani!!❤
You are so right about that!!!! Touche'!!!@@trying2survive602
I have a covert narcissist for a husband, we have been together for over 17 years. My new therapist just gave a name to what he is and my head is spinning. He admitted he realized what he was doing to me about 8 years ago! I always thought he didn't understand what he was doing. 😢
I recently realised my mother is a covert narc after my therapist pointed it out. I was reeling for months. I'm still struggling with boundaries. It's amazing the effect of guilt has. Like I said I wasn't going to a family gathering and was afraid the whole day she was going to show up at my house, like some horror movie or something.
@@tristanmestroni6724 Exactly how my daughter feels. She is always looking over her shoulder.
Yea, I do feel like the bad guy for leaving, even a long time after the relationship ended🥹 Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your support, education, and validation. This is very helpful and compassionate❤
10:38 The book title tells everything. "It's not you." The bad one is not you. 😊
That's how my ex made it seem, like my leaving was on a total whim without cause. He was in total shock, even though I had moved my bedroom over a year prior and had been begging and pleading with him. That I might leave wasn't an option in his mind, he really thought he could behave any way he wanted to and he would not have consequences. I told him over and over; he took it as criticism, and brushed it off, and forgot about it. My voice was brushed off. When we had had such closeness before.
He started behaving like an entitled brat; trashing the house, not paying for his own food nor any household bills, laying in bed after work instead of taking some time with the kid. The workload change was like I took on two toddlers and lost my adult partner, while I was still trying to work full time.
The first time i mentioned divorce, i was already 100% done, i felt like i tried everything and he clearly didn't want a relationship. He stacked the dishwasher that one time. And that was it, that was his effort to convince me he wanted to stay married. He didnt stack the dishwasher again the next day, it wasn't a new chore he had chosen to pick up. He really thought that single action would shut me up or somehow stop me, even though i told him what i needed over and over and at no time did I mention the dishwasher. Delusional.
I dont know why so many men deny that all women want is kindness. They make it seem like women want something out of reach. We don't have impossible standards, i have been told that all woman require rich tall model genius manly men with full beards; and to check that my expectations are within reason.🙄
*Show me a guy that can actually hear me and respect me and consistently be kind, and I will show you a real man.*
My ex said he felt insecure and criticized. He only had to be open to hear me, to believe me. I had worked so hard to set him up for success. He chose to not succeed.
This is so spot on. A simple chore done once, a simple basic nice act done once and they think it’s supposed to cure years of abuse. Fuck that
You should be really proud of yourself for seeing all that ❤
Your videos save me everyday- I cannot thank you enough
The reason we feel so bad is because that is your empathy’s last leg to stand on but the ironic things is we need to use that empathy to save our life and GET OUT!
No one should have to live in a yellow rock or gray rock type of existence !!!!! Know fear ☮️♥️
I kinda feel sorry for the narcissist because they’ve no idea of the value of the person they’ve abused & mistreated,
Oh, yes they do. Don't let them fool you. They know what they are doing and will do the same thing to the next person.
@@regulus7181 That is basically what I went through. They tried to ruin my life in order to keep me from leaving.
They absolutely know what they are doing and to whom.
Hi Dr Ramini Thank You So Very Much For Sharing This. I Do Feel So Incredibly Guilty. After Experiencing Horific Emotional Abuse After Being In A Relationship With A Malignant Narcissit. I Was Cruelly Discarded In April like Trash. The Narcissit Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Me I Find Myself Apologizing TO him For His Abuse.
I See Absolutely No Way Out Narcissitic Abuse Is Is Brutal
Real. I do feel guilty. Not as much after she broke my heart, but yeah. Its all because we were never able to communicate.
I left a year ago last week. Have stayed around on weekends to help the child she adopted and i helped raise, transition into me being gone. BACKFIRED MISERY and suffering. Prepping to leave for good!!
NO MORE GUILT OR SHAME
It occurs to me now that anytime I left someone, due to their crappy behavior, I always got a guilt trip from them- even years after the fact- despite the fact that these very same people would never feel a moment of guilt for having mistreated me.
The children suffer the most here..
I didn't leave him, he left me. I don't feel bad about anything.
i feel that way as a result of my mom! it was awful. abuse for years. now i wholeheartedly know she’s the bad one. now i have a separate self and it’s terrifying. the healing is excruciating. i only began living a life for me at age 50.
I finally divorced after 36 years - 16 of which were constant ongoing cheating - when my boys turned 30!!!
Good job! I initiated divorce after 30 years of marriage. I am now liberated and don’t hear all the control and negativity toward me. So peaceful now
My mom stayed even tho prompted by her children to leave. Our lives including hers would have been so much better had she left. She'd make low bar excuses for him ... at least he's not a philandering...which wasn't true. He died and she had two years of freedom from him at 91 without a single good thing to say about him and she had dementia. Cautionary tale. Get out.
Thanks for sharing!! My daughter told me 6 years ago to leave, but I believed so strongly that God was going to change things..and he did, God changed me-our divorce will be finalized soon
I always feel guilty and bad for everything I think, do, and want to do.
When I filed for divorce back in 2019, I dreaded telling my children. I’d stayed in a very hurtful, soul destroying marriage in order for my boys to go through university. When I did, they both broke down into tears with me and told me they were happy, relieved that I was finally standing up to their father. This made me feel guilty for not divorcing sooner but they’re old enough and wonderfully empathic to fully understand my reasons.
To this day, I’m still dealing with the fall out, the never ending smear campaign against me, no thanks to my ex’s flying monkeys. I’ve grown thicker skin, in part with the support from my boys. My eldest shared something he’d read…..”Those who matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.” Damned right! 💕
I am making a plan to leave my narc parents and go no contact once I'm financially able. I know that once I move away and begin my new life, I'll begin to heal, find who I really am, and finally be able to live my own life in peace. Yet I struggle with so much guilt. I feel like a bad daughter for leaving especially since my narc mom tells me she'll have a heart attack or stroke if I ever leave her. Ironically she tells me I stress her out so much that she'll get a heart attack or stroke. I still plan to leave yet the guilt weighs me down.
She should feel guilty for trying to stop you!
Letting go of an anchor chain that's holding you under water and drowning you is 100% the right choice, even if that anchor chain is the only support structure you've ever known. Hope you can get away soon.
No contact with my own narc parents for ~5 years now. It's so worth it, so much easier(that's not to say easy, just easier) to stay afloat when you're not trying to swim with that anchor.
Your mom sounds like my mom! Super toxic. Moms are supposed to WANT you to go out on your own and become independent. Don't fall for her guilt. I did and now I"m stuck here and things have gotten progressively worse. Narcs do NOT change. Please...keep doing what you're doing. Save money and get out! If going completely "no contact" scares you and seems extreme then don't. You can still talk to them on holidays. The point is that YOU will be able to set healthy boundaries once you're out of their home. But please....get out of there as soon as you can. She will manipulate you and narcs are master manipulators. Don't let her waste your life.
@@cindy7733 I've known more than one narc parent to charge their kids so much "rent" that their kids can't save up enough to get out on their own, while at the same time the narc is screaming at the kids for still living at home.
@@om617yota8great analogy
In my case the relationship never existed, so I don't feel like the bad one. The only really big disappointment early on was that there was a possibility of getting to know someone who shares a lot of common interests with me, but the narc and his gang pretty much destroyed that opportunity, sometimes I still have doubts that there ever was someone who was true and genuine that was interested in me because of the horrific psychological abuse that I have been subjected to. Not knowing who all was involved and why these people were trying to cause me harm/death was also very traumatic to have to go through, the only reason that I knew of for this was because of what happened to me in CA, but all of the other stories that were being spread about this had nothing to do with me.
I learned a lot of very harsh, painful, and scary lessons, but definitely is something I don't care to have to go through again 😭😢💔
Thank you so much for this video. You always bring such clarity to my situation. Divorce is started and I feel such tremendous guilt for “breaking up” my family that I have been considering dropping the divorce and going back to that madness. It’s so confusing when trying to break away from the narcissist, I’m starting to understand the trauma binding that you speak about in your videos. I’m heartbroken, I feel like I’m damaged, and so very much guilt about being the one to walk out. I just can’t take it anymore. I realize that I deserve more nothing I could only just hold onto that sliver of hope, and continue my path forward to divorce him. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
my daughter was 12 when we left
we barely took anything
and we were sitting on the floor in our empty one bedroom apartmemt
eating a frozen pizza
and she said
"Mom, why didn't you leave sooner?"
and
I never cried once over him since the moment I left
I felt so free
it has been 10 years now
Whenever I feel guilty all I have to do is remember instances like when she tried to sell me to a man into marriage in exchange for a business while in my presence at the tender age of 13. Or how she pulled me by my hair out of bed and gave me a beating because my little brother had fallen out of bed while we were all sleeping. Then dragged me to the front of the house and extended my arms out and told me not to move while she rushed back in the house to bring out some of my lose clothes and put them in my arms. She told me to wait for someone to pick me up because I was no longer welcome to stay in her house. then told me she hated me while slapping me across the face a few more times. I must've been only 8 years old. And, of course, as with other abusers, there were many other instances. Those memories always gets me back on track. I'm not about to romanticize anything about her to my detriment. I deserve better than that. Especially when I've never hurt anyone in my life. And she knew very well that I'd never lift a finger to hurt her. My thoughts are always with those that have gone or continue to go through abuse.
Yes, I did!
I wish I had known about NPD earlier in my life, would have saved a lot of suffering…
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!❤👍❤ If the abuse is in fact true and real, then it makes sense, but there is so much gaslighting it is nearly impossible to be "sure enough" that the abuse is actually really happening to me...
Thank you for this reminder. I met the mother of my kids 14 years ago. I have tried relentlessly. You're exactly right they don't feel like choices.
I was in my parish today after month of my separation with two grown-up kids. I suffer because of that every day. The guild is the worst.
What did the priest say, when he saw me and came to have a little conversation with me after he asked me if we were still separated ? "Oh, this saparation twists ones heard!"
I was lost for a few moments, I did not know how to take IT and understand it.
My husband and I were married for 20 years but my kids and I could not stay any longer. We just left our home on December 31 last year during a rage attak of my husband.
We are free, but it is complicated.
Thank you for listening! And thank you Dr. Ramani!!
Leave the Church while you are at it, the Church is one big organizational abuser and exploiter and is misogynist AND an organizational child abuser.
I've finished a relationship with a 55 year old narcissistic woman a few month ago. I just can’t forget the shock and desperation I saw in her face with her eyes wide open when I abandoned her. When I left she stood next to the door with her head down like a sad disappointed child. I’ve never felt so bad before! Just can't get that scene out of my head and I'm feeling like I've left the child that she was inside.
I’ve seen that “disappointed child” look as well. I sometimes call it “wounded baby” - it’s an act.
That’s how masterful their victimhood act is. They embody it so fully it can almost stop someone, especially an empath, dead in their tracks and have you rethinking everything. You may even go as far as to start gaslighting and guilting yourself. They’ve perfected it over years and decades. It’s an act. Nothing more.
Yes, a week ago just left. The same thing...shock on his face and abandonment. It took me back many many times before I actually left. I even once had a suicide threat from him. The guilt is awful, but I have to keep reminding myself as Dr Ramani said...they won't change and it isn't my responsibility to change them or stay with the abuse hoping he would change and "see the light".
@@cassandres4965 What you probably mean is psychopathic behaviour. I don't think narcs put on an act. They are aware but they can‘t control their emotions especially their anger and their actions like a 3-4 year old child. Tell a person suffering from Tourette Syndrome to stop ticking or tell a person with Obsessive compulsive disorder to stop! Both get worse!
@@jorgfruhbrodt5786you are correct my ex-wife would rage on a drop of a hat! The verbal abuse became too much for me. Could never sit down and have a meaningful, productive conversation about our problems in our marriage. She would always turn the conversation about her wants and needs. What I need to do to make her happy. Never about my needs or wants. All I wanted was to be treated with some respect.
@@duaneh1973 That is exactly what I experienced with her... I know what you've been through! But we've done the right thing, finally.
I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for the invaluable videos you've shared on UA-cam. These videos have been a source of sanity and have helped me stay focused on my well-being. There were moments when I believed I was to blame for the arguments my wife and I would have. Eventually, I made the decision to leave the house, and since then, I have not spoken to her. This choice was necessary because every attempt to contact her led to a manipulative act, pulling me back into the same cycle of mistreatment and drama.
The reason for my departure was not merely verbal abuse; she also became physically abusive. Shockingly, she even went so far as to call the police, falsely accusing me of trying to harm her. While I might have endured the arguments, her resorting to physical violence and then fabricating stories about me being the aggressor served as a clear indication for me to leave.
I deeply resonate with your videos, as it feels like each one is tailored to address specific events or issues I've encountered with my narcissistic wife. Your insights have been instrumental in helping me navigate this challenging situation. Keep doing what you’re doing, and again, I thank you so much for what you do so generously.
It's the same feeling when it's a parent you're walking away from. You feel like the bad child because the parent becomes the victim and there's no one there for you. It's hard to accept the fact you're doing the right thing be removing them from your life. It's heavy to carry alone but necessary nonetheless. Still having trouble with it at 46 yrs young.
This video nails my current situation - I’ve been under abuse for about a decade - just moved out / didn’t divorce - have kids that are 4 and 6 … feel super guilty but feel free and like a weight has lifted - going to give time time and wait for clarity … thank you doc for the incredible insight … so helpful ❤
This speaks directly to me☹️ 27 years of marriage, horrible verbal, emotional and sometimes physical pushing and shoving abuse. I escaped in February , divorce finalized in July, I am still helping him manage his doctor appointments and finances even though I now live 1000 miles away. He has no idea how to do those things. I feel so guilty I ran knowing he has knee replacement surgery coming up. He is so pleasant when he needs my help , I have to listen to all the horrible recordings I made of the way he treated me to remind myself why I left. I wish he would find another person to take care of that stuff but then feel guilty for wishing the treatment I experienced on another woman.
I needed your words today. I am in the process of leaving my husband. There's a lot to the story but the hellfire and dammation he has brought knowingly, then continues to believe I will allow it is ludicrous. He is using health issues as why I can't go. But I have my own and warned for years.
Because of our empathy we always have those feelings! They don’t care at all how anyone feels but them! And then they trash us publicly 😩
I wished I left 40 years ago instead of 6 months ago..I left may 8th 2023 and he’s been in the hospital since may10! I don’t feel any guilt because I gave the relationship everything I had while I was there
Hi Dr Ramani. NO, I do not feel bad at all for leaving a narcissist. I should have left sooner! He got what he wanted anyway by marrying a RICH woman. I'm fine. Coming up on 12.8 years..👍
This topic popped up as soon as I clicked into UA-cam and it was the perfect topic for me today. l so much needed to hear this because this is what I'm struggling with right now. Thank you so much Dr Ramani you are a blessing in my life you give me hope and courage to cope every day.😢
I am in the same situation. Feeling very guilty for leaving. I know I need to go, but I carry so much guilt
Yes me too same situation, thank you Dr Ramani for this video.
I felt super guilty for estranging myself from my toxic family. I still find myself feeling like that at times, even though I logically know that my life is a lot better this way. It’s so hard to explain to others because more often than not they don’t get it. It’s been 9 months now; the longest I’ve ever gone without speaking to any of them.
you have highlighted my world, thank you, mahalo,merci.
I have just completed my legal divorce from a narcassist. I am now legally "divorced".
But, we are still religiously married. Why? I am living in a different state than my family, so I'm waiting for my family to arrive to cut ties with my husband, for good. I have nobody here.
But, he is toxic. He is crushing my soul. He is making our kids see his treatment of me. My kids will grow up and accept this from their partners due to having grown up in it, if I don't stop the cycle. It's a matter of days or weeks until I am FREE.
Until then, I have to bide my time and move my life forward with my kids, and cut him out of my heart. Soon enough, he's OUT.
I don't regret a thing. I'm not a bad person. He is the bad person. Whatever happens to him is not my concern. He's a grown man.
If he valued our relationship and this "marriage", he would have acted differently.
Yes……. I felt guilt and the bad one for ending the relationship with. The bad and negative for “taking things the wrong way, for being too sensitive, for being hard to love, I don’t know how to talk to you anymore…..”
I can't find anyone who contributes more to addressing toxic behaviors than Dr. Ramani. This is one of the most challenging and underappreciated topics out there, and you shed light on it and provide understanding like no one else. Thanks to you, "problematic" individuals in this world become less intimidating and more manageable. You equip us with tools to navigate the extremes. Thank you very much! :)
"You're being devalued, you're walking on eggshells and you're a shell of yourself" - yep, been there, felt bad about getting away, wondered a zillion times "Is it me?, surely it must be". Thank you again Dr. Ramani!
I felt some guilt over ending/withdrawing from a friendship with a vulnerable narcissist, they can use their damage, openness and vulnerability as hooks to draw you in with, but there's no fixing a broken person, and self care is key.
The most painful is people believe you are the one at fault.
Hi sheny🌹🌹
How are you doing?
This is exactly what I am feeling right now as I am working on leaving and I don't even have children. I have created distance and I feel bad for not simply breaking up but slowly distancing myself.
Yes 😢.
God bless you @DoctorRamani, for sharing your knowledge on this epidemic. Your videos help me tremendously. I wish you a prosperous life 🙏🏽
Finally a video that covers my same issue, I was involved with a narcissist wife when we eventually agreed to co parent came the post separation abuse. The triangulation the belittling. Then came the time to kick me out then now I stand my grown and filled for custody she lied to a lawyer after admitting to me that she did kick me out of our own home she denied ever doing so and wants to waste thousands of dollars for lies to get full custody instead of 50 custody, these people will stop at nothing to protect there image. it’s insane!
As always, I am by myself, quiet, and isolated. Whatever the cyber crooks are doing, i’ve been quiet by myself. In fact I need to go to church but I am incredibly self-conscious of my leg.
The best thing to do is just meet me in person and not feed the cyber crooks with any more clues. I said they want his people to not meet in person and stay isolated so they stay out of jail and nobody presses charges:-/
Either way your child is affected. Might as well get the strength to leave
Hi Dr. Ramani! First of all, thanks for all your work. Your episodes clarified many aspects of my relationship with my father.
I wanted to underline that apart from an unhealthy model of a family that the kid is getting, it is also being directly exposed to the narcissistic parent's influence which is bad for the kid. I suffered emotional and physical abuse, I had to defend my brother from physical and emotional abuse, I had to be a therapeutic friend to my mom, and I had to tolerate devaluation and mockery of my personality, my talents, and my successes by my father along with my mom. I regret deeply that she didn't get a divorce. I could have avoided CPTSD. Please note that there is not only indirect but also direct harm to the kid.
Thanks again.
I feel So Fantastic... I've never been happier or more healthy in my life . 62 years of hell was too much . I'm fortunate to be able to live my best life now . I have zero guilt , yet many regrets .
I know a man from a physically abusive family, who first married a psychopath, divorced her a month later when it became clear just how little she valued the marriage, then married a vulnerable narc from a similarly abusive family, who was gifted at playing the pity card. He stayed married to her for her and the kids' sake. She was good at provoking rage too, through gaslighting. He only exploded in rage once in a while, he explained, but young children are terrified by that, so it was easy for his wife to "protect" the kids and paint him as the abuser.
And that is how the kids continued to see it most of their lives. They were a psychologist's nightmare, learning all the narc's tricks out of necessity, plus self-blame, suicidal ideation. They became part of the enabling squad. I recall people telling them, "You are so lucky! Your mother is so nice!!! In fact, she is the nicest person in the whole world! How can you be so mean to her?" The kids internalized that. Counsellors, to whom their mother took them for their obvious problems, were no help to them.
It wasn't until decades later that an insightful person from a different culture took one of them aside and explained carefully that their mother was an extremely dangerous woman: hateful toward her own children, raging inside, jealous of anyone else's good fortune or success, fully capable of murder, possibly having contributed to their father's death (he was getting on in age and of no further use to her; she disposed of all his belongings and memories as he lay in the hospital before he died and refused to bring him so much as a pair of reading glasses). Finally, the spell was broken and one of her kids could see that he himself was not to blame for his own messed up life. He could start to recover. He says it is useless to try to tell anyone about the narc--she's a charmer with the voice of an angel--unless they have been hurt already.
The other kid is still in thrall to the narc.
Thank you for this Dr. Ramani. You hit the nail on the head & this resonated deeply in me. It is an excruciating topic to think about, pray about & ponder. Bless You for this 🥰💯💯🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼❤❤❤
Thank you!!! I'm feeling guilty over here, but I know it's better for my son and my mental health to leave. Your video gave me some reassurance that I'm on the right path even if I feel like I'm not. All those obstacles are a daily occurrence for me, and you explained it perfectly. Thank you ❤
Spot on! I feel validated. I sided with my abuser in thinking I was a bad person. That slowly went away.
I need to leave but my kids have been sheltered from seeing the abuse. He's a covert narcissist.
i ended my relationship two days ago with my narcissistic boyfriend. he kept saying "no this relationship isn't over im not done yet" even though the relationship was over a long time ago. i told him how trapped i felt by his anger and outbursts. i asked him to try to get anger management and he said he would. over and over. i gave him chance after chance to disrespect me. im so glad i didn't do anything stupid like get pregnant or decide to move in with him. i feel so free.
Thank you for this video today. ❤
You should absolutely NEVER feel like “the bad one “ . Just keep reminding yourself the fact is that they SUCK as human beings.
I was able to put up with it until my daughter was born and she was a little over a year old. It took that long for me to realize that my ex was not going to keep it together in front of her and the screaming and name calling and all of the other things weren’t going to stop just because my daughter was around. That’s what pushed me over the edge. I couldn’t let my daughter grow up seeing that every day.
Never thought about the guilt I might have felt if I had stayed in the marriage. Very interesting that it has never dawned on me that if I had stayed, perhaps I'd feel like I had failed to eradicate the detrimental behaviors from my or my child's life. Thank you for that perspective!
Thank you Dr. Ramani 💐
This is a hard topic 😞
*I Did. It's taken a Very long time. I no longer feel guilty for leaving any narcissist.
I do still have some issues with having had to also leave those who Were "Friends" but who have become frenemies or worse ""flying monkeys'' for the narc .. who apparently has still been unable to let me go.
I just broke up with mine yesterday. I was afraid to do it in person because I knew he’d try to hoover me and make me feel bad for ending it.
I text him and told him this wasn’t working for me and I wasn’t happy. I wished him the best, sent the text and then blocked him.
I felt/feel bad like a coward for doing it like that but then I remembered all times he dismissed my feelings and my repeated attempts to try to convince him to listen to me.
Suddenly I don’t feel so bad. I finally realize I have to put myself first. I feel bad, but not as bad as I felt when he was gaslighting me and manipulating me.
Appreciate your addressing this issue. Even after distancing , when their event comes up - declining it makes me feel bad and harsh. Though the history is filled with my shaming and pain. It makes me doubt my long long history of no respite,
The obstacle course really resonates with me, I did it for the last 30 years of a 40 year marriage. I also shielded my children from his behavior and covered for his bad behavior with his family. It's been almost 3 years since I left and I still feel guilty.
I feel like the bad one. In my birth family. It feels past lives.
My Narc siblings will always spin it.
I love the way you explain things
You are helping so many people through your videos, I hope anyone going through or who has been through a narcissist relationship finds your channel. Thank you for helping us all to understand.
I was told I was the bad one. Breaking ties with my family permanently was the only way I was going to survive.
I’m a bit sad but mostly relieved.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, this appeared for me at the exact right time.
My grandfather is the narcissist in my family. I'm so guilty about not visiting or talking to him, but from what I hear, he's abusing my grandmother and everyone else around him. Holidays are so hard. I feel like the worst grandchild, but I know going will make me miserable. The worst part, is he's gotten my mom to badger me about calling and visiting him. I hate it so much. My grandmother can barely leave her house without getting phone calls every few seconds. It's miserable!
Thank you, ordered the hardback book. It will be there for my kids and grandchildren too
One episode I heard you tell someone "Go, back! Back!" I had no idea how scripted (as in how much work writing) these videos are. I love writing, but typing kind of hurts with effects of neuropathy, literally and figuratively for me as it takes time from what I should be doing. So I appreciate the output. At the risk of becoming obsessive: You have great comedic delivery. It's part of what makes you so listenable. You are a treasure. Thank you. Keep doing what you're doing. I watch others deal with this subject. You are the best. Thank you again!
My mom left my father with antisocial personality disorder and narcissism when I was 5 years old. She found an amazing man and got custody of us. My father found a new wife to abuse. My mother leaving saved my life. I know what a healthy relationship looks like. I don’t take disrespect. I have boundaries. I am forever grateful. If you can leave your child’s abuser, please do it. Love - a kid
It was so hard to leave. Every guilt was thrown at me. "Why did you stay?" "How could you leave?" "This isn't good for your child."
I didn't realize this, but I became a much better mom when I wasn't spending all my time taking care of my husband's emotional needs. His emotions trumped everything. Including picking our son up from school or making sure he was fed and put in bed on time.
Wow, after my 33 year old daughter calling me codependent last year and haven’t spoken to me since, this is the video that I forwarded. I hope she listens. Thank you Dr. Ramani 🩷