5 Tricks Narcissists Use to Keep You Hooked
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- Опубліковано 30 вер 2023
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Narcissists will only love you as much as they can use you. Their loyalty ends where the benefits stop.
Yep. Truer words were never written.
my father-in-law targeted me... to help him in a commercial project where I found the architect, the trades, and gave my time and money to the venture. When he sold the building he kept all the profit laughing at me and telling me later over a dinner ... 'that he would never have done what I did'.
It is absolutely stunning how they can have no shame and even cackle about it in the face of people they exploit. 😕
@karlwieler9205 Your experience will be valued better elsewhere. I'm sorry You had to deal with this situation
That's how you learn that they truly don't care or even get pleasure out of it.@@cc1k435
Denial, projection, blame-shifting, gaslighting, bread-crumbing and the double bind.
Mostly, they are believers, they believe they are the chosen ones.
@@SigmaEmpataLevanteI laugh at them 😂 & I agree with your comment
@@SigmaEmpataLevante The narcissist only believes in their false-self. There are religious narcissists but not all believers are narcissists.
Narcissists can never change , flip to being nice when they get found out. Withdrawing attention when they have you hooked, love bomb , withdraw , love bomb and so it goes on and on.
The true narcissist has a fixed personality disorder they can't and don't want to fix it. They are who they are, run while you can.🏃♀️🏃♂️
This. They have ZERO inkling to change because they have enough enablers along the way but trust me, they'll pass ALONE.
Always remember, you are enough. They just cannot handle your strength and brightness
And remember, you won't be keeping that strength and brightness if you hang around with narcissists. 😢
On my 5mos. of No Contact** I am enjoying freedom from Toxic ppl ❤
I was caught in euphoric recall about a dozen times with the same person over the course of several years. When I stop to count the number of narcissists that have glommed onto me through my life, it is shocking. My desire to nurture and help--together with my human desire to be loved--got me into a lot of bad relationships. I don't want to lose the empathy; I just want to direct it more productively.
This 100% 😢❤
But other people say we are the problem that's why every friendship we suffered now only I know the pattern and it's scary these people attracts like magnets even if we are far
Yes! I feel this.
So true what Dr. Ramani says. I have been hooked by their charms.
You need to accept that not everyone is like you,so empathic. Put boundaries. Not everyone has the privilege of your affection. Be tough and strong. Sadly we have to lose a part of our total innocence and be able to recognise the red flags and get out of those relationships just at the beginning
8 weeks no contact and no hoovering yet. However, I’m staying alert for it! Now, I truly know it, can’t go back to being blind. Hugs everyone ❤
If he has another supply he will never Hoover , ever !
Stay strong! I’m also 8 weeks out! No Hoover…..
Still working on me…..
Just beginning and I’m scared. I’m old and not used to this.
@@CC..Jeremiah9_24 stay strong, believe in the life you want to live! I wasn’t use to any of it either, I believed I was a bit crazy for awhile. Our quality of life and ourselves is important! Stay close to this community, it’s a safe place for encouragement and understanding. Sending strength and peace your way ❤️
Hang in there❤
They're really like the most addictive, mind altering drug you could ever dream up. I'm to the point I just don't like being around anyone at all, because I'm always on alert/on edge.
Samesies 😢
Mind altering! I bumped into my narc last week and spent 3 days non-stop ruminating about him like he completely took over my mind until I went drinking to numb it out. It's fucking insane it's like they put a spell on you.
@@sonja7halcyonhow long were you with him?
@@sonja7halcyon Dude, I get it. I've never really had trouble getting over someone... except with this spawn of Satan. I was stuck in the cycle for ten fking years. We'll go years without speaking (because of course he ghosts and blocks me for no reason) then he'll pop up randomly, and I lose my shit. Everything goes black and I have no idea what I'm doing, but I can't get enough of it. The love bombing, and seeing him as like the most beautiful creature to ever walk the earth. Then sure enough, the breadcrumbing, distance, excuses, and doubting my own sanity like there's something wrong with me, that I'm the problem. Depression, constant anxiety. Then surprise! Ghost again.
The one question that helped me realize what I was doing... "would you take this type of treatment from anyone else?" Hell no, never.
@@haleyelizabeth8378 Yeah I'm fine when I don't see him for ages and I can forget he exists, and then he appears out of the blue and my mind is doing mental gymnastics for days afterwards trying to find reasons to give him a second chance, trying to convince myself he can change, he deserves compassion, I'm being too hard on him... etc etc and then I snap myself out of it and remind myself of all of the shitty crazy behavior and why I should have ran miles after the first few red flags. I also have to remind myself that he doesn't think like me, he's not the same species even, all he wants is more supply. He can f*** right off. I'll NEVER give him a second chance. I already gave him 9 too many second chances. I don't engage with him at all when I see him, not a glance not even a hi because I know once I do I'm leaving myself open to hoovering and getting hooked on him again. I've blocked him on everything, no access to me. Anyway, the absolute gall of him to even say "hi" to me after everything he put me through, as if nothing happened. No apologies. That right there is a red flag. I can't even begin to fathom what goes on in his head that he thinks it's anything BUT disrespectful to say hi to me. I have to ignore the part of me that wants to believe he has good intentions for me. He doesn't know the meaning of good intentions. I'm not special, I'm not even a real person to him. I'm just more eyeballs to gaze upon him and worship him how he sees fit. Good riddance.
I think the only thing you can really do is just walk away. My mom suffers from narcissism and after all this time she still lacks self awareness to realize how she is. It's very painful to deal with someone who never takes accountability for their behaviour but then accuses you of your reaction. Getting angry at them, hoping some critical thinking will take a hold of them doesn't seem to work, it only results in script flipping, where you ( because of the anger ) get blamed. You care, so you stay in it hoping, thinking with communication it will change. But you can't communicate with someone who doesn't allow it. Doesn't allow self expression. Only wants to see themselves as the leader.
You, also sound narcissistic.
@@Monkchip I'm going to give you an opportunity to prove you aren't what I know you are, a troll. In what way do I sound narcissistic?
You don’t sound narcissistic at all. That person sounds like a troll, or maybe some narc you know who knows your screen name. You expressed yourself very well.
@@rayarena879 Thank you rayarena. 🙂This part that you wrote "or maybe some narc you know who knows your screen name." is really why I responded to them. I get really strange responses sometimes and it has me wondering if I'm being followed by a predator.
So very true 😢
I cannot believe my self esteem was so low that I allowed myself to be sucked in time after time. Feeling special because he slipped me a miserly crumb of attention here and there. I finally realized he was not worthy of my attention. The red flags waved wildly from the very beginning. A full year of it. Lesson learned.
Exactly the same. My self esteem & self worth was practically non- existent. So,I sucked up the bread crumbs and felt lucky. 🙄
Trauma therapy is helping with the self esteem and healing how I saw myself, previously. Nine years of wasted time; except I learned that I DO have worth - and I always have!
Try 4 years 🥺
Breadcrumbing and intermittent reinforcement- predictably unpredictable and consistently inconsistent- narcissistic quirkiness and narcissistic capriciousness and narcissistic coyness
Annoying codependency here !
Unhook from this toxic game - yes it’ll annoy the narcissist but who cares ?
These are not the people we want to be chosen by. My malignant narcissist parent is exactly like a cult leader. The illusion consumed me. It swallowed me whole and trapped me. I PROMISE, it's a lie. Don't get lost in the lie. It's a dangerous lie to get lost in. (Thank you for the mention of being aware of that dynamic.😊)
They hook us because we still believe we are the problem! 😜♥️
It’s amazing to me how many people watch, like, comment and share these videos. I just quit a job because of my narcissistic boss so I’ve been watching these videos. Seeing the popularity of these videos lets me know this is a HUGE problem and that I’m not alone.
Nope, you’re not. Not even close.
Unfortunately there are so many.😢
You definitely are not alone. And that is the sad part. So many narcissist fucking up so many lives.
Leaving was the best thing for you. Hope you found a better opportunity.
Everybody deserves a second chance but not for the same mistake
Not every sorry deserves an "it's ok" in return.
Agree 💯 A Sister once taught me: "No one is sorry if they are still doing the SAME things to you (mistreating you)."
I never even got a sorry, just pity plays that I fell for too often. No more.
Yep look for changed behavior
We are all special and beautiful. Our value is intrinsic. A healthy person will appreciate and embrace the things that make us unique and beautiful. They won't pull us under water as they surface. They'll want to see us happy, and for our light to shine. A narcissistic person is polar opposite in their abusive ways.
A thumbs up to your comment. A pastor told me one time that you could learn something from everyone. Whether they be a janitor or a CEO. All you need to need to do is be kind and L I S T E N to the other person. We all have our roll in this circle of life to keep the wheels spinning. Is your hand more important Han your eyes? Are your hearing more important than your feet? It takes it all functionality together to make us hold. The same in relationships. I can’t wrap my head around why people think they have to be the #1 all the time and constantly put other people down to constantly make themself superior. I’m just thankful I don’t have such an inferior complex. What happen to someone being humble?
@@mabelpayne8933 Truth spoken. I appreciate your comment as well. And you’re right, it doesn’t matter what your title is. A wise man once told me that you don’t have to go to college to become fully educated and knowledgeable. He was amazing. He owned a store and carried all kinds of herbs, supplements, from Ayurvedic medicine to naturopathy he was well versed. That’s the field I wantsed to go into but my parent decidedly placed himself as my top priority, so I abandoned my dream to be his caretaker. The message from the owner of the store was beautiful as yours. He was humble. I used to go look around just to listen to him as he gave his guidance, getting people well without pharmaceuticals. What a beautiful man. He was quite happy when I explained that I didn’t have money to spend but I went there to learn from him as he spoke to customers. He knew so much. It’s really sad when we close down on what might be an opportunity to learn. Thank you.
Where have you been all my life? I wish I knew about you long time ago so I would not have wasted many years under the control of narcissist partner(s) 😔
Now my life makes sense. I know why I made the stupid choices I made. Wow!
Fighting against the narcissists is so hard. It feels like "survival" is telling me to just give in... But it is also "survival" to protect myself from the toxic... 👍❤
Sure. Because they’re draining, manipulative, cunning, conning and exploitative. That mix is something that for some reason the victims of narcissists find exciting. But it’s not exciting it’s abuse. They are like dark magicians and all that’s really happening is that your needs, desires, fears and curiosities are being exploited.
I think the only thing you can really do is just walk away. My mom suffers from narcissism and after all this time she still lacks self awareness to realize how she is. It's very painful to deal with someone who never takes accountability, then accuses.
Same here...👍@@VicMikesvideodiary
@@jasonwimberly5636c
I learned to never get in the ring with a narcissist, you will lose every time
I left my narc less than a year after subscribing to this channel. Thank you for making this information accessible and easy to understand. It’s probably saved my life.
I’m just tired of feeling like I’m being played and his excuse why he’s not. Calling bulls**. Ready to go having trouble driving down the road. Ugh. Jesus please save me.
The hoovering stuff literally nauseates me just thinking about it. When you've had people threaten to kill themselves if you didn't continue the relationship, you end up avoiding intimate relationships altogether.
Yep. And probably it's a good idea to take a break just due to narcissistic relationships anyway. I have had that threatened before in my younger days, but looking back, I doubt that they'd have gone through with it because there's no fun in not making me feel guilty for something I didn't do. 🙄
It took me so long to accept that my ex would never change, walk away and stay away
Every hoover from my family of origin is basically "Someone's dying. Are you done being a B yet? We need you. We could forgive you."
I always love that, "We could forgive YOU for not putting up with our horrible behavior." 😂
Hoover type number 8: the I am going to rescue you hoover. I had just bought a house that needed a lot of work. He chastised me for buying a place that needed that much work. The he told me how he could fix it up. So slowly over the months the works was being done he behaved himself and won me back. Of course a few months after the work was done and he was living with me again, he was right back to his old tricks and abuse.
I relate to this, the back and forth is exhausting
I never felt special with either parent, ever. We lived in the same house, but Neither knew me, and I didn’t know them.
“…Interestingly, the answer to that, is Nooo.” 😂🤣😂 this says it all❤
Theyl never change. I only wanted love
He never love bombed!No specialness dynamic. The relationship happened very naturally. He pulled back the morning after our wedding night. And continues to do so after 20+ years. And the after the pull back is abuse.
Very comforting to hear this. My adult son is a Narcissist following his father's footsteps. My heart is just breaking. I have to give up my child and I feel like he died. I lost my daughter 2 yrs ago to cancer. Now my son is gone too. Every time I try to have contact with him, it is mean, abusive, a lot of gaslighting, shaming, rudeness, disrespect, silent treatment, and abusive behavior. At one point in a mocking jocular way, he put his hands around my neck and started choking me. It was very real. That was not play. That was an urge to hurt me I felt that. I was coughing afterwards. He said, 'you frustrate me so much' or something like that. Just out of the blue. I think because i did not agree with him on something. At that point I became aware of his inner rage. Where did that come from? A divorce from his father. There were no custody battles, I paid HIM alimony!!! I sold the house, divided everything equally, kids were in college by then, so what is the issue? I am so confused by this. Probably parental alienation by his father over time. I was out working paying for everything while his father was seeding the kids minds with lies. There is no way out of this. Either I am destroyed, or I go no contact with my only son and child. It is breaking my heart. I've never felt in such a dark place. I have no idea how to deal with this.
Sometimes children model themselves on the one that is seen by society and the family as holding all the power. If he is an adult it is up to him to change. But in the meantime, god help his partners. Abuse is a intergenerational trauma. It gets passed on.
I will be in prayer over you , I don’t say this lightly , Jesus sees all and is your vindicator : vengeance is mine , sayeth the Lord . 💔🙏 45:29
@@michelleleigh3739God bless you dear one. Prayers availe a lot I do that but the tears we shed in this unjust situations is of no comprehension . God is seeing us through.
You are the best. So happy you are here for us
Id be lost without these videos.
Im currently in the lovebomb stage yet again...Ive tried to leave him 3 times before only to get sucked back in to the same pattern as before...This is exhausting and im done this time starting therapy next week
Thank you so much for this! I have given up on people telling me that they'll change. After having a quasi-discussion with my narc friend, my soft heart decided to give her another chance. When she blew it yet again, I just could not afford the damage to my heart anymore and ended it. Boy, was she angry! It has been a few months now, and I am finally beginning to lose the feel of dread that she'll call or text. Her existence used to create a freaking PALL upon my life.
@@Karenmarie-ns3miIkr!!!! (((KarenMarie)))
My narcissist insisted he was constantly doing "internal work that NOBODY notices, including YOU!", yet he made the same mistakes over and over again, the same fights over and over again. Where was that so-called internal work, I always wondered.. all that "work" never seemed to be helpful when he needed it 🤡 but always everyone else's fault for not giving him a pat on the head.
My sister said she was in therapy (something she ridiculed me for) and making changes to herself. I wasn't going to wait around to see if she did change. This kind of future faking no longer causes me to wait and see. I don't think she can change because she doesn't see herself as the problem.
I let him rush me into a relationship! I didn't feel comfortable in wanting to get in the relationship, but I did, I learned a valuable lesson I won't do that again!!!
I'm glad you mentioned self-compassion. I struggle with self-blame/shame ruminating. I made a haunting decision when I set my college education aside to take care of my father, someone I believed to be loving, selfless, and good. I believed it was the right thing to do because the people I loved told me it was. I'm judging an 18-year-old who was groomed, brainwashed, and indoctrinated by a highly manipulative, exploitative, cruel, and calculated malignant narcissist. When I blame/shame myself for my decision and for not knowing, I have to remember people like him pull fully mature, healthy adults into cults that reshape and change core belief. What I was up against was impossible. I need to remember that and know it's going to be a process. I do wonder what I missed. It was nearly 4 decades before truth began to surface. I think it keeps coming up as my mind seeks resolve and the impact of that one choice is so far-reaching and now I know who exactly I lost potential for. Thank you, always.
Thank you for this comment.
I think we all look back and wonder 'What was I thinking?' I was only about 18-19 yrs old when I got mixed up with my ex. I didn't know people like that existed.
Now I know I was surrounded with similar negative traits in the past. He was all the worst traits around me rolled up into one.
Hindsight is 20/20.
I really was just a kid.
My ex is far to arrogant to ever promise he will change. Instead he just stops doing some offensive behaviours to test me and see if I notice
Bloddy narc also uses black magic along with bad mouthing and cursing you for no reason .. I am fed up of the toxicity of the narcissistic . 😢
Wow, the concept of them making you feel 'special' really hits the nail on the head. When I met my husband, he knew that I had just come out of a long-term, emotionally abusive relationship. Here's how far he went to make me feel 'special'. He eventually told me that he had been seeing someone else as well and he decided that to choose who he wanted to be with, he made a list of pros and cons for each of us on a giant whiteboard - and I won. Crazy. There were SO many red flags but I was.so excited to have someone "choose" me after my horrible marriage (my ex had chosen porn over me for years). Guess what. I found out later that he still continued to date that other woman AND he chooses porn over me too, even though he knows how I feel about it and how hurtful it is. I feel so stupid for putting myself in this situation again....
Can we just all agree that Dr. R is so pretty
Dr. Ramani I love watching your videos. You were the first person I ever saw talking about Narcissism. I have learned so much and I am so grateful your video came to my phone.
Thank you for all you do. You've been a Huge help to me! God bless you always.
What a great description of the "pullback". If I had known that this was part of his manipulation, I wouldn't have believed in our magical love so long. This type of behavior was right at the beginning from our relationship and now I realize how I was trapped in the traumabond and really was ready to do anything to have nice shared moments again.
PS: beautiful hairstyle in the "pullback" video dear Doc💃🏻
That was nice.
I have learned these lessons but they have come at a cost. I do not easily trust, I am suspicious of kindness directed towards myself and promises are almost like insults to me. The first year I knew my husband I asked every friend and relative he introduced me to if he was for real. (fortunately he is very real honest caring and consistently loving) Can a child of narcissists ever get over being super vigilant, hyper sensitive and guarded?
Set your conditions for trust and have them be filled 100%. Just a thought 😅 good luck!
No one is perfect, expecting 100% fulfillment is guaranteed disappointment.
@VintageQuirky-ql4hc you are right. Maybe you could combine your boundaries with your respects and give yourself the space you deserve to figure out how to dynamically adept. I find it hard to be kind in today's world, people judge your intentions and it makes it harder to "Just be myself".
I had to learn to keep kindness to myself people will take it and not thank you for it.
I was raised to be kind and generous, but people out there take all of it, leave nothing, light you on fire without any thanks, then try to tell the world you are the monster they themselves are.
I want to look more into the Hero-Victim-Villain drama triangle and figure out how to stay in the green.
I also like to imagine I have my own pudding cup with a spoon. This cup of pudding is what I get. I can mix it up and stir it how I like and test it and see how good it is myself.
Finding it hard to trust anyone who doesn't have my best interests in mind.
The words a man speaks holds the clues to the intentions of their heart's.
Study the words while you listen.
Study the art of listening and you will never get lied to again.
I need time to heal. Thank you Dr Ramani. Blessings and peace to everyone ✨🙏✨
My mother was my first narcissist but all I remember is the constant discarding. Im sure there was a time of love bombing but she wasnt around long enough for there to be much of it. At some point in my teenage years, I said no more yearly visits. Stepmother was the next narcissist who at the age of 9, i could not take anymore of, and told my grandmother i wanted to live with her and she agreed. That time was great until she died and I fell into narcissistic romantic relationships. Finally out and in my first healthy relationship and trying to make sense of everything.
1. They make you feel special
2. They lovebomb
3. They pullback
4. They hoover
5. They promise they will change
Thanks to these videos I know the narcissistic process which is incredible always the same it seems they all did same training no matter the culture, the language, the country and their age, always same steps and conduct lol
100% correct! The pattern never changes!😢
My Mother was the narcissist and she trained my only sibling sister. Now there are only two of us. I am ignoring her but I really want to tell her off. So far in our last conversation I ( I’m the one that succeeded) I compaired her lesser accomplishments to mine as if she did as well as she could. she was the pet who had to rescued and babied and supported. I haven’t heard from her since happily. It always confounded me as to why she was always given more. Now I know it was the narcissist mother with narcissistic sister that didn’t make sense. I had to figure it out on my own. So glad you are helping us.
Thank you. Your UA-cam videos are informative. They are affirming and take the craziness out of this world.
Thanks for this Doctor Ramani...By the way you look fantastic 😊
Mine is currently trying to hoover me and sending love-bombey messages and then literally signing their name with a heart and a bomb emoji. I swear to god. They aren't even trying to hide that they are love bombing me.
I can’t express how much your series of videos have helped me in dealing with a narcissist in my life I can’t escape from. To the point they themselves have complimented me on how I deal with them when they harass/bait/accuse/switch on me. I’ve got the seemingly self aware only when it suits them narcissist apparently.
When I passed all the promises, and all the broken moments, I now realize that she will never change unless that thing has some bad effects on her life. She may change but not because of me, she may change because of her benefits. I am OK with that now when I gave up hope and tried to find a way to seek my new life. Hard but it is deserved.
Dr Ramani I am married to ☝ I founded a peace mind is the best. I do not contact Him. I go NO contact he so sweet. Asking why I am not calling. I do not explain then I will call you and say 👌 end
Narcissists are like slot machines. You keep feeding them waiting to win. You might get a reward occasionally but you never get that big win.
Actually, slots do pay out jackpots, more than occasionally, while the wheels will never align with these pathetic individuals.
Yeah. Defective slot machines. No jackpot ever. You can’t win
my mother actually went to therapy and still in therapy for years. She has changed but she is not stopping her therapy sessions and I think that is the secret of not relapsing.
I've experienced a pullback. At first I thought the guy was normal and just shy, but then when he suggested seeing a movie sometime, I thought maybe he was interested in me and had my hopes up because I hardly get asked out as it is these days. Then, he never followed through, yet kept texting me out of the blue whenever I stopped texting him, kind of like trying to hoover me back. I think there are a lot of narcissists out there because it seemed like anytime a guy asked me out and I reciprocated interest, they pulled away. I have pretty much given up on meeting anyone these days.
Dear Dr. Ramani can you please talk about the roll of our family and close friends influence on us when we start seeing the red flags 🚩 at the beginning and even during the love bombing stage BUT every one of them pressure you to stay with that person because “look you finally are treated the way you deserve. He’s better than ___xyz___ remember how they treated you? This is a good one. Don’t ruin it”
When we try to leave after years of suffering behind closed doors, you still have families & friends not believe you when you speak. They continue to be awestruck by the niceness of that person. They won’t believe it.
For some of us, we feel as if we will break the relationship the narcissist has with OUR family and friends who adore him.
It gets complicated and someone from the outside do not get it “why do you stay?” Nonsense. 😢
She is very validating on this topic. You might be able to find specific videos about it by searching her name plus keywords like enabler or flying monkeys. Good wishes to you!
I’m leaving in the morning God made a way out for me please pray for my safe travels ❤
Narcs never changed,never!!! They just adjust and sharpen thier cunning...cut ties ,change locations if possible
what I found interesting about my ex narc friend was that she was slowly going worse and worse and worse to a point it was dehumanizing.... and she was actually trying to normalize it.
Thank you , You don’t know how alone and ashamed I have been feeling until I saw you videos. You truly have saved my life.
I have come up with this great new game idea called "narcissist spotting." (You have heard of "train-spotting?") I just play it with myself...anywhere. Watching TV, at the grocery store, at church, at a community gathering, etc. I look around and see how many potential narcissists I can spot because of their overt behavior. No, I don't really make a game of this Dr. Ramani. It is too serious to be a game, and it would seem cruel to me to sit and point out the faults of others. But once you know the red flags, it can seem obvious at times.
Yeah, back in 2014, my husband (soon to be ex) told me that he was at sometime going to take me to Old Spring, TX, but he never did. I have spent plenty of time asking myself why or how did I ever stay in this toxic relationship? I was such a fool, stupid, an idiot, dumb & any other degrading name I could think of...I feel like I have wasted my whole life because I got married when I was 21 & now I'm 37. Yeah, recently, he told me that he had stopped drinking again, but I know better than to believe that.
Wow....I can relate 100%. We're in very similar situations. Hugs to you❤️💔
@@jenn2712 Thank you 🫂
@@jenn2712 When I first got into this relationship, he was nice & sweet & I was young & didn't know what I was in for...then after we got married & nit long after he cheated on me with the neighbors adopted daughter (I just had this gut feeling like I knew & he was staying out late at night), he threw fits which I know now was a red flag ( I thought it was just his Bipolar or perhaps now that I know he's a narcissist, maybe he's not Bipolar) by throwing a tin pan of beans that he brought home from a catering event onto the hallway wall then left it for me to clean up, I should have left right then, but I my mind still didn't click. He always blamed arguments/ fights on me, never gave ne credit for anything I did & if he did, I got very little. I didn't know he was a narcissist until 11 years into our marriage. I've been forever kicking myself in the butt for being so dumb, staying in this relationship, being so naive & delusional thinking that he & things would get better.
There's an answer to that! These relationships, you may have noticed, are entirely dependent on hope. They tend to be completely confusing, in that every time you're completely fed up, they start acting nice and normal until they feel it's safe to cycle back to their worst again. And if there weren't any good times to point to, no one would ever stay. You just finally decided it was time to get off the out-of-control merry-go-round. ❤
@@cc1k435 , that makes sense. There were some good times, but mostly bad times I did always had hope that he & everything would get better, but it didn't. His kids were so young & I knew they needed a mother & I tried & did my best what I knew, but even then there were times I wanted to go AWAL. I tried to get help from him, but he always gave me the indication that I was an obligation & an obstacle & that made me feel worse. I think the kids got brainwashed & were told lies about me because they made it a nightmare besides their dad. There was good times though as I said.
So Smart You Are Doc👍❤️
“When they say their life is awful it means they’ve lost their supply” so true……
I was out of state 5 weeks watching my baby granddaughter in order to help my daughter and son in law get settled.
He’d call nightly and eventually started saying he misses me so much and one evening said “Never do this to me again!!”
As if I was on a getaway at an all inclusive spa! 😢
The immaturity is frightening.
I am learning that narcs generally may be involved in industry or activity that leads them to deal with lots of random strangers. Like bar tenders, nurses, servers and I know one that does cat rescue and another that makes alcohol and gives it away... delighting in the reactions to the swill. Generally engaging in some activity that will cause delight of the recipient of their arrival or the provisions they supply. I also just stopped dating a vulnerable narc and now see how I know at least one other. My dad is a grandiose...and after 4 months of staying with him...I have certainly gotten an education. I now see that even though I rarely saw him as a child, his ENERGY has still been a huge influence in causing me to choose the same in partners.
Police officers too and the kind of sadists that are attracted to them and marry them
Lovely Dr. Ramani thanks for tuning in , thanks for being there for us .
Thank you again. After yesterday's posting I found myself quite contemplative. And sort of extra sensitive. Reposting today was right on track. Even though it's been 4 years three-day week therapy, it's sometimes still grips at me. And I think mindfulness, and staying in my groups is essential. Feeling extra scattered today, because my ex started texting me yesterday shortly after the posting, until one or two in the morning. Even after all this time. All these things you spoke of today have been my whole life. Beginning with with a narcissist father. But my husband was all the worst of the worst that narcissism brings. But I do find peace. And joy. And Iam in a safe place. As safe as I can be, at least. And I wanted to correct something in yesterday's comments. I said that I don't talk to other women. But that was a typo. I find incredible strengthen speaking with other women dealing with domestic violence and narcissistic relationships. And thank you again for reminding me that I'm going to be okay.
I so relate to being triggered by them contacting out of the blue. : - ( Somehow blocking their number and email to avoid giving them the power to do this felt too harsh at first but I'm considering it now. We all deserve to heal in as much peace as possible. If it's not possible to cut them off completely JADE and BIFF strategies can help and/or a coparenting app. Best wishes to you. : - )
Don't never change evil is evil.
This video about lovebombing is so excellent. First it left me being shocked but then exercising “self-compassion" also laughing about myself.
I realize that for the narcissist in my life to change even 10% is like living in a fantasy world. It not going to happen. They love the attention and control to much.
The flipside is this though: Telling someone you love them but secretly planning to "change" them is highly disrespectful & manipulative. Communication, cooperation & other "relationship" things should always be up for improvement, but you can't change core aspects of a person's character (work ethic, wanting/not wanting kids, how Type A/Type B they are, optimism/pessimism, personal values like politics, religion, etc). Just wait and date the person who has the traits you're looking for, whatever they are.
Too many ppl are scared to be single so they engage in serial monogamy with folks they're incompatible with, trying to change them and failing along the way. What happens when they fail? Resentment builds & they start looking for an "out," aka a person to cheat with who has the desired traits and likes them back. That's WRONG. You don't have the right to waste someone's life in that way. If you don't like the way a person is or behaves, don't wait to get under someone else to get OVER them. Just leave at the first sign of incompatibility. It's very hard to maintain lasting change in yourself so the chances you'll change another person are next to 0. Not wanting to be alone, grieve the last relationship & reflect on your own contributions to its failure is a big part of the aversion to singledom. But you can never even define what it is you're looking for in a partner unless you have that time to be alone & THINK & realize you're whole without another person.
4 out of my 5 elected officials do everything, everything, in this podcast. One of them has cancer and drives her own initiatives and threats. I think she believes she speaks for her husband who is covert. God break this apart. Amen.
Yes there were definitely Red Flags in the beginning, but at the sametime he showed so much interest in helping me to find a place to fix my lawnmower and I thought that was so kind of him.
His way or no way ! I spoke up for myself and he disappeared!!! 😊
I called out my narc gf’s hurtful behavior. Went from breadcrumbs to cold disregard to discard in a few weeks time. She was shocked when I delivered her old truck project to her driveway incomplete. The fact she was shocked I find hilarious. I mean, really? 😂
'Embarrassed to say I fell for those future fakes more times than I dare mention
Nex played me so easily during hovering....not knowing or any knowledge about Narrcissist's
I now have self compassion for myself & compassion for my now adult children & the guilty feelings from what they suffered with so many make ups & breakups until I finally took the decision to divorce him & move on to healing from such appalling abuse
I know now that it was the trauma bond I was experiencing from having two very evil & sadistic parents
I had been groomed for abuse
I now have peace in my life & trauma focused therapy for almost two years
Love the cat nappin on your lap ❤
Cherish & value myself.🥰Don’t rely on someone else to give me that.❤️ Definitely no “hot and cold” crap. If they pull back, just let them go🙌🏻
Thank you, again, Dr. Ramani, for pointing me in the right direction in my healing and emotional longevity from my narcissistic work environment❤️🙌🏻
It hurts so much to know that someone I know was successfully hooked back in. This was long long before I even knew about narcissism. I would have NEVER told her to hold out for him to get his act together. She was almost free, almost out, and ugh, he hoovered her back somehow. It sucks to hear. :( And I can't do anything about it. Nobody can.
I don’t mean to be rude or disrespectful but these people are sick. I would never do this to someone. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for opening the eyes of my heart and mind.
I got caught repeatedly in the false promises and love they gave me, knowing full well how it would end. In moments of Reactive Abuse my fight or flight response would kick in and I learned to forgive myself so many many times. I got fed up of having to forgive myself for these outbursts knowing I could be calm on other situations (even though through gritted teeth) concerning him. 🍒
Been there, done that. I never took him back, but he kept trying to get back in. Everything from saying he was homeless and living in his car to he had cancer and was dieing. It was really difficult to not fall into rescue mode. My head knew it was lies and manipulation, but it felt out of character to not rescue. I talked to him years later and asked about his cancer and he didn't remember saying that.
Dr R I hear you loud & clear.
From my personal experience 4x / 2 marriages to the same narc/ addict.
What is said here is the absolute truth
there is no change in them.
The only hope is to change one’s self
& find the joy in yourself.
My journey began 9 mo ago & I can honestly say I have found in me an endless summer.
Reflecting on who & what I was before the narc addict was EVERYTHING he needed but will never attain. I’m very proud of my discard & realize he cannot hold a candle.. my blessing to him?????
Enjoy your social media it is how you relate
Perfect timing, Dr. Ramani. This just happened to me last week. I've been separated going on 7 months now. I've talked to him about the things that have happened in our relationship and how it's very toxic because honestly, I think a part of him forgets and really doesnt understand. Anyway, he said he would do anything to keep the marriage and asked me what he needed to do.. I told him he needed to go to counseling, not for us or with me, but for himself, his son, any future intimate relationship he might have ,and simply to help him in the way he sees and navigates the world.. He must have understood that there was no guarantee that I was waiting around for him.. 2 days later, he texted me and said God told him that he just needed to let me go and that he was sorry for pressuring me to stay. I already knew he, most likely, would never go to counseling, but I didn't think he would change his mind in 2 days!!
This video was very reaffirming for me to hear, so thank you, Dr. Ramani❤ you're always helping us to see the path clearly
I am always greatful to you Dr Ramani. Your videos are always helpful and encouraging. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is life altering. When it is over and you look back you question yourself " why was I such a fool for that manipulative person?" I needed to be important to someone who was important to me. My weakness is I wanted to be loved, valued, and appreciated, because I loved, appreciated, and cared about them. I didn't get that from my parents and thought if I worked hard enough and gave them all I had to give, they would come around. They would change. NO. They never change. They get worse. It is heartbreaking. And like you said. You give up. You have to give up to keep your own self respect and your sanity. You have to walk away. Or they will keep hurting you. They lie. They go behind your back. They break every promise they ever made to you. And they smirk at you. You were the fool. According to them it was all your fault. Everything is always your fault.
This UA-cam community is a great way to stay hook
The list of false promises is so long with my nex you would laugh about it. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes to the back of my head when he’d say anything we might do together. No we won’t your narcissism will always get in the way. I decided to go and do everything on my own without him that way I don’t have to wait around for the narcissist to finally show up :)
You are a life saving!. Thank you. You gave me a diffrent way to call this " button" that turns on too often..
My entire family of ten siblings, mother all seem to lack love and attention, seem to crave the breadcrumbs. So, the "special one" for a day and hour or chosen by the narcissist was a life long yearning. This was part of the triangulated relating, competition for love being noticed. It went on after siblings got married, had kids. After a long haul of leaving, returning, closeness, betrayal, after mom & dad are gone..I'm finally "all alone".
I’m getting more spontaneous since the discard. She texts occasionally or talks face to face. Seemed surprised that I do that. I just came to an old truck show spur of the moment. Here now in Pigeon Forge. And she doesn’t know……..and I ain’t telling her. Having a great time!
I almost fell for it again. Thank you for these supportive videos, Dr. Ramani.
With all of the attributes they hold they treat them like a magnet, you’ll never be able to resist.
Narcissist can never change and fight against narcissist is very difficult
This damn game ugh!!! When I think I’m fully educated I learn something more/new😮❤
You've just narrated my life . I'm finally in the first steps of breaking away.
dr ramani u the real mvp = most valuable player. not that other players are bad tho your authneticity and getting it is a light. i didnt know existed or i could also be a part of. u are my first narcistic channel and u get it better than most other ppl. radical acceptance has helped cus they wont change for me so i get to move on. and the word and, dr c talks about not using should, have to, must,got to, and i use and as kinda the counter balance of words i want to use more. and. thank you for your work and your courage
I just want to say that I'm really grateful for your work and sharing your knowledge. I discovered your videos few days ago and this keeps me saint. Every single example that you provide to describe that monstrous narcissist match with the person I've been last 3 years. Seen red flags, confront him, questioned him, demand for answers, cope with his bullshit ..even called him narcissist so many times before I knew how much is behind thus term.
Since 14th when I went cold turkey, and said I'm done he had already texted me twice. But so far I'm holding. Thanks to your videos this time.
Haha! I used to say "grace me with his presence!" Or "apparently the moon and the stars have to be lined up properly for him to show up."
Im 5 mos post discard &
STILL dealing with the abuse from my ex gf covert narc. So devious & deceitful & skilled. 😢
It’s like the dial is turned up on bad behavior. That we excuse as they’re tired, have a fever, excuse after excuse. New love vs love bombing…I now focus daily on learning how to read the tells so that when we meet again I can respond like a normal person rather than react like a crazy person. Challenge accepted.
He says, "I like myself and don't want to change.
My big sister has been acting like this since I was born. I now live on the same yard as neighbors and before she lived with me. I struggled with money but she never paid for anything. We needed some place to live and this is my dream environment living in the forest and we live in our own wagon. Since we moved here I’ve come to realize she’s a narcissist. I’ve been speaking to my man about this, and also he’s been denying this. He’s brother acts the same way and especially gaslighting me towards him and favoring him. This is because I’ve been pulling myself out of the relationships with both. It’s have been tricky before I needed to retreat from everyone to heal myself. I’ve been in narcissistic romantic relationships with narcissists before. My kids father was one of them. My sister always said... No one is going to hurt my baby sister but me. I’ve been healing so much lately that I’m no longer falling into her manipulation. I’ve been cutting her off even if we live in the same place. But I’ve not been able to move yet but it’s coming. I love your videos because you confirm what I’ve learned for myself during this.🌺🥰🌺