3 Ways To Work With Toxic Shame - Part 1 - Episode 9
Вставка
- Опубліковано 9 чер 2024
- As requested!
In this video we cover: triggers, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, assertion, mind reading, moods, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, single parent, divorce, chaotic family, codependency, healthy parenting, co-parenting, friendship, single parents.
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
3:08 About Shame
7:04 Connect With Me
7:31 Examples of Shame
11:33 Shame Spectrum
16:30 Final Thoughts
18:29 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
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If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
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It’s painful to realize you feel deeply ashamed for simply existing. It’s even more painful to realize many others feel this way.
It is painful to realise many others feel that way, but is also comforting to know you are not alone, meaning there is always a chance to overcome as well.
@@Ffar2578 agree. Shame is isolating, making me think I am worse than everyone else. CBT taught me to question if my thoughts and stories are true. I'm not worse and alone and the fact many feel shame is solid proof. It is one thing to be deceived by my emotions. Whole other level to abandon logic supported by evidence. Thus I was able to retreat safely from the awful abyss of shame and depression.
I choose to observe and manage thoughts and the emotions will follow, thank God.
Patrick nailed it in the second half: pride and shame are two sides of the same exceptionalist coin. Toss the whole thing away.
And my mother shames (or I make myself feel ashamed when she tells me what she thinks) me now and say I make my life small...
I have found my tribe
Yes, and you have to people please just to be good enough to be around. You always have to be helping others like you are paying just for the pleasure of their company.
That feeling when you realise that you feel almost constant shame
Omg same!!!!!!!
A feeling of never-ending judgement and being painfully conspicuous for the wrong reasons.
Same!
Same here and it is heartbreaking that my inner child was so harmed💔
+
Shame was one of the few emotions I was allowed to feel
Exactly!
Yikes. This hurt me. YOU FEEL OTHER THINGS! Feel them! Now! Give yourself permission to do so!
My God.......so true, so devastating
Yeah, really. Also, if you didn't look like u felt enough shame they would shame u worse
Oof same. Alongside guilt, self loathing, embarrassment etc
"A constant low-grade feeling that people are disapproving of you"
I couldn't put it in words, but you must have read my mind, Patrick :)
😯🥺
That sentence alone was like a punch in the face. Holy crap. That's exactly what it feels like.
If I were to put it into my own words, it's like going out in public, or generally existing with a BIG neon sign over your head that says "I'm a majorly insecure piece of sh!t".
Just that intense feeling of being under a microscope for your entire life. And if things go smoothly for you, and you're in a situation where you seem competent and in your element, you often have thoughts of "Any moment now, things are gonna hit the fan; and everyone will know, once and for all, what a horrible, disgusting, person I am".
@@Panda72021 I feel you
A disapproving, disgruntled Co- worker.. time goes SLOW with that Person!!
That’s exactly how it feels😢
Every time I watch Patrick’s videos I feel like he totally understands what I’m trying to untangle in my mind. I’ve never met a therapist that understands anything like he does. Thank God for him! I get so much clarity from him.
I agree❤️
Yes! Being here takes trauma bonds away.
Same!
Agree
Agree
conscious low grade feeling people are disappointed in me 🙋🏼♀️ i am so sick of dealing with this baggage. I wish i could reboot my entire subconscious.
Me too.
@@whotelakecity2001 ❤
You can. Heal the subconscious with hypnotherapy.
u don't owe anything to anybody
Me too
Mistakes and accidents were never ok in our home when I was a kid. If one of us screwed up or something broke, it meant an instant beating. It didn't matter why it happened. The only question my mom would ask was who did it so she'd know who to hit. It's taken a lot of work to talk myself through accidents and mistakes as an adult. I think the first environment I was ever in where mistakes were ok was this job I got in my early 30's. Everyone was super chill, and if a mistake was made, everyone would say "hey, that's ok, it happens, can I help you redo it?" It was such a shock when I first started there, but I got used to it and really learned a lot from them.
I understand this totally.
I worked in three back to back jobs over a dozen years where all mistakes got you absolutely crucified. The last one was one of the owners making up mistakes and a fake HR department. I gave up and went back to school and into therapy.
Getting better at identifying toxic people earlier, and have a good job with good people now.
Yep
I want to hug you 🥺 I grew up the same way. Berating or beatings. I would apologize to bumping into walls or big mistakes make me want to cry or beat myself up. I’m learning through it and reparenting myself with love so mistakes are okay 💛
@@mimiscoo1173 Hug received. I still cry every time glass breaks, tho, even if it was just something like a barista bumped into me in a crowded café and knocked the plate out of my hand and it crashed to the floor. The tears are so automatic, I have no control over them, and then I end up apologizing for crying while I apologize for apologizing. At least I've developed the skills I need to recognize what's going on and recover faster instead of carrying it with me through my day. That's something, at least. Sometimes that's all we can do. 💔
Your son is so lucky to have you in his life as a guide
I know right? So jelly of that kid meself. :p I outright laughed when he asked how that scenario would've gone with my family cause that would be a week's worth of shouting, lectures, and put downs.
@@0o0Anyuna0o0 I know right! These videos bring up so many repressed negative memories.... I remember getting in trouble because I was too shy to say "Have a good day too" to the cashier at Office Depot 🤦🏽♀️
No name
@@mystical_cupcake Oh damn, that's such a familiar situation to what mine was like. Mindhugs fellow awful childhood haver. Kai kaha (Maori for "stand strong")
Guilt: I did something had
Shame: I am bad
I am learning to speak gently to my inner child to reframe things. Just showing lots of compassion towards myself. Standing up for my inner child because no one ever did.
I had no idea my shame was masquerading as anxiety so often. I've been having shame/regret attacks in addition to anxiety/panic attacks!
How was your shame masquerading as anxiety? How did it manifest?
Yup, anxiety can make you feel ashamed, and likewise, shame can make you feel anxious/panicky.
The two don't seem to be exclusive, and if you're someone who has both, they feed off each other.
I feel the same! I actually questioned today whether I had anxiety at all or just toxic shame.
@@yumorules
that's what im wondering too :o
For me, my shame manifests as anxiety by me avoiding leaving the house. I consciously tell myself it’s because I’m not prepared or packed to leave the house, or that I’m not in the right clothes, or that when I get to my destination I won’t be able to come up with the right words so I’ve got to script that now. I need to check my cards to see if I have all the right ones because if I take too long paying- what if they decline, what if I forget my pin- the shame of taking up too much time and attention starts to bear down on me.
It also manifests as perfectionism (no one is allowed to see my grades, no one is allowed to see me practice, I can’t try new things in front of people, I can only be myself by myself at home alone… by *myself*).
It also manifests as social anxiety (I’m not interesting enough, I’m not intelligent enough, I’m not witty enough, I can’t banter like other people, I’m afraid to speak) and I often delete comments on videos or reviews or any sort of online participation at all. Or in person.
I’ve quadruple checked this comment for spelling errors and tried to see if flow works, made each sentence a paragraph because I was worried it wouldn’t read well, etc. I think it’s the perfectionism kicking in. I will probably never return to this video out of shame for having made a comment, but… I think it’s important and I should just end now. Goodbye. Maybe see you again. I have hope.
I wouldn’t even have been allowed to touch anything, because the default assumption was always that I would break something if I did.
:( that very well could've deprived you of an essential innate curiosity that humans are born with
🙋♀️😖
Me too. I have mostly gotten through it but my mother went to her grave never once admitting she was wrong about anything-and I’m not just talking about moral issues but factual errors, everything. She just couldn’t bring herself to go there. She died of cancer too, so it’s not as if she didn’t have time to reflect on her life.
His story with his kid reminds me of once my 5 yo (she has ADHA) broke 2 pieces of decor at a furniture store. Our rule is always "move as u like, just don't touch stuff". I now have rethought it after listening to Patrick reading your comments. I feel so guilty bc I really got mad that day at her and I was like "I told u don't touch things!", I was frustrated that I had to pay so much for nothing and left the store not enjoying our trip. I now understand what I made her feel, absolutely a lot of shame and guilt more that she needs or deserves. I didn't look at it this way then, I was just like she needs to learn a lesson, and I know for sure that she did, she became more careful around breakable items; but now I realize that we might get the same result without putting so much pressure on her. I try to learn and become a better parent even thu I know I messed up a lot. It's so depressing to know how awful my actions are effecting her .. thx for anyone who cared enough to read all of this confession XD
@@user-qb5wy5dg8w not to late for you or her. You’ve learned a lesson. Lesson number 2 is not to beat yourself up. You did what you knew and we don’t know what we don’t know. Toxic shame is using the mistake to constantly berate yourself. It’s not productive but seeing the issue and making the decision to change and move forward *is the whole point* of incorporating new knowledge. Maybe, when you and daughter are having a quiet moment, bring it up and apologise? I think admitting our mistakes and apologise is an important part of parenting. None of us are perfect and it’s crucial that we don’t present ourselves as godlike beings who know everything and are never wrong about anything.
"marinated in shame" ..classic.. & absolutely accurate..
I relate 100%.
Add guilt and fear and there is me!;)
Depression from huge amount of guilt because of making many mistakes when young
Oh gosh, the intro where he asked about how our parents would have reacted if we broke something, brought back an old memory that I repressed so much I almost forgot. I remember being like 10-12 and running around in my parents' bedroom while my father was fixing the computer, I almost tripped on it and knocked it over and he got incredibly angry and said "this computer is worth more than you ever will", and that stuck with me, it really hurt me back then but now I try to have a more lighthearted approach and just think "what an asshole"
Edit: After watching the video, I'm realizing how many of the things I hate about myself are because of shame caused by my childhood, which makes me feel even worse because now I know I might never be able to fix it, I can't continue feeling this pathetic for the rest of my life...
You are watching this, so that’s a step towards “fixing” yourself! (Be kind to yourself, we are all works in progress.) His videos have lots of good advice for ways to help.
It brought up a forgotten memory for me too (well more than one) - but I am thankful to have understanding now and that it’s no longer hidden.
I've been on a healing path for about 5 or 6 years. My entire personality was built on paradigms of shame. I swam in it and was completely inauthentic people pleaser. When I began to learn about childhood trauma, I had a long and painful grieving period. I had tried my entire life to be who I "should" be and felt like a terrible failure. I didn't even know myself.
I just wanted to give you some context. It really does get better. I'm certainly not "there" yet, but I'm miles from where I once was.
You know what you're working with. That's huge. If we don't know a problem exists, how can we fix it? You also want to heal. That too is huge.
Please be gentle and patient with yourself. It is a process, you didn't develop in a day, healing does take time. But neural plasticity is real. We can retrain our minds and bodies.
Blessings, may your path be one of peace. May you fully know (mind/body/Soul) how truly wonderful you are.
Oh my god, I'm really sorry, it's a nightmare to hear such things from people who were supposed to love you more than anybody else in the world((((
You are not pathetic. You just need to recognize when that broken record is playing in the back of your head and replace what it says with affirmations that you are a good person with value! Its hard to spot the broken record at first because it eventually drones out and just becomes background noise to everything in your life. Try repeating “I am good, I am kind, I have value” over and over again to drown out the toxic words of your irresponsible and hateful father
My narc mom who has no shame said to me, "My therapist says there's nothing wrong with me..." I said "I don't care what you've convinced your therapist to believe." It makes me sick knowing she's still out there fooling strangers after I've gone no contact.
Just remember the MO of the narcissist is to deny, lie, hide -- so she was probably lying to you. Therapists don't just come out and say, "I have examined you and have found nothing wrong!" That is more of a child's idea of what doctors and therapists do -- almost cartoonish. Don't let the aholes get you down. You are enough -- no matter what she says or how she frames it!
@@ProfessorGothic yes, the phenomenon amazes me -- all aspects of it. I think that many do believe the lies, many do not AT ALL believe the lies, but most start off half-believing. Then, by the time they grow older, they are truly delusional. I'm not a doctor or a psychiatric expert. This is just from my experience -- way too many experiences, unfortunately!
@null I just found out that a friend of 10 years is a pathological lier- that info was from her daughter. The 'friend' finally told a big enough lie that I realized it could not be true. I was nieve enough to believe everything she said was true - even my mother, who could shame a saint, wasn't that bad. I agree, those of us who have learned to tell the truth, just don't think that others could be that way. I can hear my mother's voice trying to shame me some days and now I can tell her voice to shut up - I am not stupid, although I may have done a dumb thing.
> This is an awesome comeback and I hope you've given yourself a pat on the back for coming up with that one ♥
ridiculous😒..no therapist worth his salt would make such a statement, she's lying
My mother was 18 years old and 5 months pregnant with me in 1969, when my parents 'had to' get married. I was steeped in shame. Thank you so much for this series & this channel. You are a gift.
Hey mate…you did nothing wrong being born…you were meant to be here….God meant for you to be on this earth….I’m glad you’re here….
I bet your a nice person…..
I think I was steeped in shame too. My mom got pregnant with me right before her wedding and then when I was going about life and went through multiple childhood traumas in the home when growing up she and I had a difficult relationship. I remember a lot of yelling and a lot of me trying to conform to what my parents want and when I didn't there was hell to pay.
Edit- to this day even when I moved out she told me don't get pregnant before I get married.
Well I'm taking one further I'm most likely not having any kids.
@@bobbitriplett3770 remember Bobbi, the way you see yourself is sometimes quite often not the way others see you. The only opinion about yourself that matters is yours…you just go ahead and let em think what they want of you…that’s their issue , not yours. It’s their problem.
I can already tell by the few words you have written you are a good person. You just have to work on focusing on your good nature, and doing what you need to make you a happier person.
I’m surrounded by people who don’t know me, but they have their own idea they have concocted in their mind about who I am. I have for example someone in my family who really looks down on me, literally they have no respect , because I come from a family’s blood line that they have no respect for because they weren’t classy enough…( she calls em peasants)
so this person doesn’t see any good in me, my bloodline and my sir name is a joke to them. I let them laugh, because it’s their problem, I don’t see what they see, I see a wonderful person, the good person…I think this person is a total narc to think like this.
it’s totally their issue and their problem how they see me…and because Of this crap, I’m not close to them, I make sure to keep my distance because they cannot help me, when I’m around them I always feel like crap…always….they talk down to me and in public it’s humiliating…
But I have learnt to see them as the clown that they are and I just laugh at them when they talk to me now, they usually look like a fool in public nowadays, not me…im proud of me. And they can’t do anything about it.
it’s important to be around people who are nice to you and are good for you, keep others at a distance….ciao
@@bobbitriplett3770 she is not judging her parents! She grew up in a home with 2 kids who weren’t ready for marriage or parenting. That is her point. They only married bc of her. That is her point. She feels like she is the embodiment of their sin: that is her point. She feels like an unwanted weight.
What are you talking about???
Basically the same exact thing happened to me!
Absolutely still being run by toxic shame and my inner child to the point where I don't feel my real age (24) at all. Its constant shame-framed thinking and I only realized it about a year ago.
marinated in shame!!! yes lol 1000%
24 is still very much a kid, take care of yourself and grow with grace and real maturity 🌱
Realized the same at 28-29, after a year in therapy. I was stuck at 15-16 in many ways, and it was a weird thing to experience when the penny finally dropped.
I think it only get worse. I feel like I was older around 20-25 than now (28), because it all comes back to me now.
How are you doing now?
My mother called me El-Clumsina because I was clumsy and accident prone… until I drew her a picture that showed her “always” raging at El-Clumsina and “almost never” loving me. She kept the picture and now I have it. She also sometime after that figured out the damage she was doing and found a way to change for me. I showed the picture to my daughter to let her know that it’s ok to be mad at mommy and that she’s not the only one that falls down and runs into walls and breaks things accidentally.
Your mother was no linguist! El is a male article and any noun that ends w an a is a feminine subject.
@@tahiyamarome true but kind of besides the point
@@fighterflight yeah, i know. I like beside the point points. They are contextually reflective of the activity of online opining. Glad you found a soft place to land w your mom.
I'm discovering now that I have cptsd, to go along with my fibromyalgia, which gets triggered by emotional stress. I've also been off balance before when I am under stress. In a book I'm reading right now, called "The body keeps score"" by author Bessel A. van der Kolk, M.D. our childhood trauma effects our body because our minds actually adjust to trying to deal with the stress events that are negative in our enviroment, such as poor care givers treatment, when we are young. So maybe your mother's poorest of choices to use name calling, ironically was trying to blame you for something she herself caused by giving you more stress than you could handle at an earlier stage of your childhood. This may have creating a problem with your body's balance or muscle control while under diress. In our healing we start to learn that our bodies are alert and aware, and will share real truths with us. They know when people are being harsh and unfair. However, you seem like you are more than an overcomer, so good job!
They used to call me “butter-hands” in front of my sisters and brothers. I lighten at it and even joke about it saying it myself as if I have believed it. Later on when having a kid I just saw how horrible is to label a child and repeat and repeat until even they believe they are just that. The insults didn’t stop there, though
@06:12 "My Mother was abusive and disregulated over normal parenting tasks." WOW...that 1 sentence has freed me from so much shame and confusion. You are a Godsend Patrick. 👏👏👏
I've lived with this my whole life....I don't know how else to react to things. Work has been so stressful for me because of this. I've been yelled at for anything I did my whole life. Example.. I licked an icecream cone and the icecream fell on the ground and my dad got mad at me..
Everybody makes mistakes and children need parents who are understanding.
Very sorry,. It's okay
You know what? I feel your pain…I too get yelled at and shamed by jealous co-workers because I outperform them
it’s always never good enough at every workplace I’ve been too, and it’s always management or supervisors telling me “ you need to communicate more and be more direct yadda yadda BS!!!”
How in the hell am I supposed to communicate when they don’t give me a chance and cliques form against me? 🙄
I could give it 110% and they will still write me up for ridiculous reasons or try to set me up to fail and call me the crazy one when they are actually the crazy ones
Being yelled at is not fun at all…hang in there I can relate a lot
My parents would have laughed and tried to get the lady to gang up against me with them. They'd've said stuff like, "We've given up, the child's a liability hoho". And then on the way to the car there'd have been hissed threats so no one could hear and then how ashamed they were of me, can't take you anywhere and of course, "If you were paying attention to other people for once instead of being self-obsessed we'd be able to take you places. What is wrong with you?"
That’s an interesting idea of shame as the opposite of integrity. When I took a class on ethics in grad school, the professor explained it as our integrity is part of our human nature, and shame is an emotional reaction to having done something against our nature.
My mom grew up in a household where her father would take a belt to her brothers’ backsides at the drop of a hat. To his wife and kids, my grandpa was both an authoritarian, controlling source of rigid order and a raging, out-of-control source of chaos. My mom never wanted to be anything like her father, but she’s actually remarkably similar to him in that she’s controlling towards the world around her but she can’t control herself. When she parented me and had to enforce discipline, she knew that physically beating me was wrong, but she thought that emotionally beating me up by making me feel extremely ashamed of myself was a perfectly okay alternative. My mom’s punishments depended on her mood - if her mental state was in a good place, a punishment would be a simple time-out, but if she was having a panic attack and she decided I was to blame for the circumstances that triggered her panic attack, that’s when she’d emotionally beat me up with shame. On the rare occasions when my dad tried to call her out on what she was doing to me, my mom’s excuse was “I have to make sure she feels ashamed for what she’s done so that she’ll know not to do it again.” (It wasn’t unusual for my mom to scapegoat my dad for causing her panic attacks either, so he usually didn’t get involved in situations when I was my mom’s panic attack scapegoat because he didn’t want to step into the line of fire.)
In late childhood and through my teenage years, I was that quiet kid who had no self-confidence. I didn’t want to speak because my mom had drilled it into me that saying or doing something wrong would cause my peers to reject me. Memories of situations in which I thought I had done something bad and/or stupid would replay on loop in the back of my mind almost constantly, and I couldn’t stop mentally beating myself up over whatever I remembered doing in those situations. To be fair, part of my social awkwardness was just me being on the autism spectrum, but in some ways, that made the situation with my mom worse; in her mind, social faux pas were the worst kind of mistake I could possibly make and therefore they were worthy of the biggest guilt-trips of all, but for someone on the autism spectrum, accidental faux pas are kind of inevitable. I don’t have a constant loop of guilt-fueled inner dialogue going on in the back of my head anymore, but every once in a while I’ll get a flashback of something I’ve done and I’ll feel overwhelmingly guilty about whatever it was I’d done, even if the thing I’d done was actually completely innocuous and not at all worthy of guilt or if everyone else who was involved in the situation has probably completely forgotten all about it by now.
Later on in the video, there’s a discussion about people who’ve “exiled” their own feelings of guilt, and I wonder if people like that are more likely to try to guilt-trip other people for stuff. From my mom’s point of view, she’s either the perfect person who never does anything wrong or she’s the victim of everything that goes wrong. So maybe she felt like she had to make me feel extra guilty for everything she thought I did wrong in order to keep her own feelings of guilt away.
So sorry to hear that
It's remarkable that you have stopped the loops. That's a major achievement
Unfortunately, I can relate heavily to this. I hope we can both heal.
I just realized...that I have toxic shame. In my native language, there is no difference between 'shame', 'shy' or 'embarrassment'. So I don't know how to put it in words. But what you described sum up perfectly. My mom used to be angry all the time when I did a little mistake. I always live in shame...i don't know how to stop feeling toxic shame. Sometimes shaming myself feels 'safer'. Thank you for the video! ❤️
I am constantly trying to understand what happened in my childhood that made me 'different'. These videos just made me realize that I grew up in a toxic family.
The toxicity from my childhood experiences is so strong that I can't even imagine that a father could or would react that well to his child breaking something, I intellectually know it is possible, but my automatic emotional responses tell me "it just can't be". It's sad to not be able to feel trust towards other human beings, even now at almost 40. I see parents react in that kind and loving way, and my mind immediately thinks "oh no, they are going to get it as soon as they are away from other people!" because that is how my dad acted. He was soooo nice in public, the model dad, but a raging angry force that dominated every aspect of life as soon as we were behind closed doors. I want to somehow be able to move past that inability to trust and just finally see a good parent and feel happy for the kid and not always automatically imagine that the good parenting is only a show.
How sad...
Wouldn't that be nice.
Same Dad…heartbreaking
I feel like that too (often). Thank you for describing it.
Yes, my mother would be the "nice one" in public, act like it wasn't a big deal... then lay into us verbally as soon as we were alone (usually in the car). Our dad would go silent and then we'd get punished later.
I had a psychopathic father. It's truly difficult to describe what he was like or how he treated me. It wasn't just about being punished or mistreated if I broke something, he found actual pleasure in inducing a permanent state of fear that froze me and my self to my core. I deserved to feel miserable for simply existing, I was a tool and an inconvenience. It's like all of these concepts, all the consequences we carry with us from trauma - shame, guilt, depression, rumination - they are my life. They don't get triggered by situations, I live in a nearly permanent state of apprehension and fear and it projects itself relentlessly on everyone around me as if I had been raised by a helicopter parent. Including the loving partner that I have made so much effort to keep throughout all of this. His integrity, his compassion, his readiness to help, and the unconditional love is so easy to doubt, even after years of being together, just because of how nonexistent these traits were throughout my life. They don't fit into my framework of what I was made to believe about myself, and instead of surrendering to the good thing I'm still stuck mashing the two together, like stick to a teacup. I always end up breaking in the process.
Gosh I just want to feel the closeness of actual trust and safety. Feel connection and intimacy again. I used to before I realized how much shit was piling up under the surface. Oh the resentment from having to fix our parents' issues.
Thank you! This really gave me a better grasp of toxic shame. I was under the impression all shame was bad - didn’t know it was an innate human experience.
It tactilely motivates us to do better.
Some models of shame split up shame and guilt as different emotions. Guilt lets you know when to adjust behavior and right wrongs. Shame is always toxic and debilitating.
I had the same idea. After watching this it got me thinking that guilt (the feeling when you know you did something wrong) is a good thing because it shows that you have a moral compass. But self-forgiveness is also key, if you can not forgive yourself that shows there’s a toxic paradigm and you will probably just keep repeating the same mistakes. So embracing a bit of guilt (stemming from an understanding that I did something wrong & a desire to do better in Future) followed by self forgiveness is the way forward for me now
@@hanisi962 that’s a great way of looking at it. Thanks for sharing
I lasted less then 2 minutes before crying - (thought today is a particularly rough & stressful day) - was told last year I say SORRY all.the.time - I do - I'm aware of it - now I say sorry for saying sorry - (& sorry for saying I'm sorry about being sorry... my head hurts)
Try switching to thank you; thank you for waiting, thank you for listening, thank you for helping... Not; I'm sorry I'm late, I'm sorry for venting, I'm sorry to need help.
@@MoonWomanStudios thanks Joelene - oh I use thank you all the time - the sorry is reactive rather than conscious - as the thank you is
Jolene Kristovich that’s great! Thanks for sharing this!
Never be sorry for being yourself
I believe that people who are shameless are so absorbed with shame that it’s uncomfortable for them to feel shamed, so they basically build a wall up against any new form of shame. And that’s why they’re still controlled by shame
'y'know, being a kid....' that stung.
We call those shame attacks “memory terrorists” in my family. We all have deep shame to work through.
How would that have gone down? "Oh my God what is WRONG WITH YOU." Eye rolling, laughter at me, apologies forced, in the car "I can't take you anywhere." Maybe a spanking.
Yes. But for me I think it would have been just from being poor and my mom having to part with dollars. And race. And being from the south. And parent shaming 🤣
Lol same
Wow, I’m an extreme “I’m always wrong” and my ex was always an extreme “I’m never wrong.” It’s crazy they both stemmed from shame. Wow wow wow. This is mind blowing to me
❤
When Patrick described the symptoms of Shame…. I realized I’ve lived in unconscious shame attack all the time……
Edit: I’m remembering a little story. Me and my family was at my friend’s family for dinner. They were drinking alcohol. At one point, my Dad started acting up bc that’s what he does whenever he’s drunk. My mom didn’t say anything, acting like the huge enabler she is as usual. He was fooling around with the friend’s families precious tea sets. Then he broke one accidentally. I was mortified bc I wasn’t sure how my friend’s family was going to react. But luckily they didn’t do anything and we had to rush Dad home. The next day he woke up, feeling sorry about what happened when we told him but have no recollection.
However, it’s a different story if I broke sth. I would get yelled at and raged at by my Dad if I broke an ankle of my own and needed to go to the hospital. “Why are you so uncareful and frivolous? Can’t even take care of yourself. Now I have to take you to the hospital, what a waste” Got yelled at for trying to replace the car battery bc it died on me. “Why the fuck do you need a new battery? Just deal with what you have and endure it”. He’s incredibly two-faced, abusive, and double standard. He can make any mistakes and be okay. But if I DARE MAKE ANY HUMAN MISTAKES, I’m trash, a failure, an utter human failure not deserving to live.
At one point I got so dissociated with the pain I got into a car accident. My response is I had to hide this. I can’t let him and Mom know. I refused to be taken to the emergency room bc I was worried about costing them money. And then yelling at me “see? We know you are good for nothing! We should have never bought you a car blah blah blah.” Not a word would they say about my injury.
How fucked up can parents be? Now I have CPTSD and trouble breathing and taking any risks. Bc I get myself triggered ash whenever attempting sth and make mistakes. My parents’ angry faces and insulting words were burned to my brain at this point. Yikes…
So sorry that happened to you
@@Lamya65 I’m so sorry to hear that 😭
horrible 😵 hope you recover soon..Mr Teahan has good advice, so keep watching
Jessica... same here.
All that u say.
For example: we were riding horses (6-7 children), and when approaching the croud where my father was ... my horse pooped. My father shamed me, rediculed me as if I was pooping in front of those people... I melted as an icecream. Can still feel the humiliation of it.
I could never go to my parents for consolation or shelter, refuge. I feared them all the time. If I got in trouble outside my home... going to my parents with the problem would almost always result in even more trouble for me. I felt all alone with my issues. Broaken, not good enough, a nuisance.
Every time seeing and hearing about healthy ways of parenting makes me cry.
The most difficult thing now is to invent new ways now and when someone shows them it's one of the most helpful things, thank you!
Hugs ❤️
Yes! This is the most common thing me and my husband argue about. I want to end all the bad feelings and trauma but he is like: "it doesn't hurt kids to be besten, because I was" and I know he is hurt by it, but we all do as we can to survive so I believe he just excuses his mum because it is easier than to deal with it. So I am excausted having to protect our children, from both myself and him, just that I feel bad if I misbehave.
Something I noticed when I moved in with my partner was that when something was spilled, for example, I would get so enraged & my partner was always like “it’s just a spill, it can be cleaned” and I realized that was a childhood trauma response. Ive since stopped doing that, but it was so eye opening the first few times it happened.
Yesterday I was vacuuming our car, and the attachment for the vacuum fell off and I said a few very strong words, which is okay, I have no issue with cussing but I felt like the response was a bit over the top because things just fall. It's gravity... Now I wonder if I was experiencing the same thing you were.
@@madisonpoiry216 could’ve been! It’s also important to note if you’re okay with the behavior too. I know for myself it was something I never liked about myself but I wasn’t able to recognize it until being with my partner!
Cussing doesn't bother me, but getting inflamed over something so small bothers me. I think it comes from seeing my mom go from 0-60 over really small things. She used to embarrass us with her short fuse in public and impatience.
On the fleamarket after breaking a thing, my father would have told me with a very low voice (so nobody could hear) what a disgusting and useless child I am and hurry with me home.
At home in the garage, he would have beaten me mercyless while yelling at me how ashamed he is because of my horrible behavior.
And Mom looked into the garage, saw the beating and decided to act, like nothing special had happened. After all, she would have made jokes on how overly sensitive and in general strange I am.
Me saying °sorry, please forgive me° was never accepted. And years later she still would bring it up and tell other people, what a dumb child I was and how hard my childhood was for her.
I can relate.
That is so incredibly vile of her. She was no better than your father. How horrible. Never mind the abuse, making it about her when you suffered so much... And it's always so interesting how they'd whisper and hide and know exactly how wrong it is what they're doing but then go beat up a small child like it's nothing. I respect your strength to stand here and look at what happened so much! I'm sorry you had to hurt so much from such an innocent age on out.
Stay strong! That is horribly traumatic, and yet you are here fighting for yourself again. You deserve to be deeply proud of yourself. Good luck!
I'm so sorry. There are some incredibly vile people out here. You deserve so much better ❤
@@AB-ky5ob Thank you, Amy, for your kind words. I appreciate them so much.
Toxic shame stays embedded for me. I went to college later in life and graduated at age 33. My only toxic parent attended the graduation and I walked across the stage ashamed that I only achieved a 4.0 GPA - perfection wasn't good enough. I can't begin to say how much I hate this feeling but I'm still strangely addicted to it. Abuse messes up the mind.
Wait you mean that most people don't feel like this?
The having it together one hit really deep.
I am riddled with toxic shame. I want to change that. Thank you for all you do.
I get so worried about conversations between me and my friends, because I don't want to talk too much or accidentally talk over someone. I often catch myself apologizing after venting emotions that I hadn't been able to get out beforehand.
THIS!! I’m terrified and uncomfortable making friends cos I feel I have very bad behaviours that I’ll offend them 🥺 this leads to over pleasing and people taking advantage of me making me not wanting friends again.
this is why it’s always good to ask people before venting ..sometimes people aren’t healthy enough mentally to have someone vent to them but it’s good to ask so it doesn’t become a problem onto them :)
I lost two friends after rubber banding basically. Spent the whole friendship saying yes to everything, volunteering my home and time for gatherings, running myself ragged for the group essentially, and desperate to have close friends I shared a lot with them. But none of them ever asked me to, or expected it. When I had a schedule conflict and asked them to change theirs and they couldn’t I lashed out. They weren’t exactly emotionally healed either so it was a messy ending. It hurt like hell.
But I survived, and now I am more conscious of my boundaries. I don’t volunteer to stretch myself thin just to please someone I like or respect. And I respect other’s boundaries in turn in a way that I couldn’t before.
Growth is hard. 😮💨 But I’m better on the other side of it.
Thank you for this series. I am discovering how much about myself that I hated my whole life was due to toxic shame caused by my childhood. I had such a horribly skewed view of the world. I was always wrong and everyone else had life figured out in a way that I never would. No one would want to be around me or be my friend because fundamentally I was an inferior human being. It's so sad how much of my life I wasted hating myself because my mom didn't know how to be a mother.
I had such a similar thing happen to me when I was little. I was in an antique store with my grandmother and stepped backwards and fell into a shelf of cups and glassware that I didn’t realize was right behind. The whole shelf fell and so many things broke! I felt such intense shame I couldn’t even speak and just cried. I cried not because I was hurt at all but because I was so totally ashamed and scared. The store people just asked us to leave and my grandmother was totally embarrassed. It definitely wasn’t talked about or handled in the beautiful way you talked to you son. I feel like a part of me healed just hearing the way you handled the same situation. Thank you for these amazing videos! 💓
It hurts to realize how much my inner child had to keep her shit together...
@@Lamya65 i think my parents have done a LOT to break the cycle, but so much stress was absorbed as a child, i realize
That little phrase "You can't miss with any of the buttons" is oddly validating and always makes me smile. Thank you! 😁
"I'm marinated in shame and they don't have enough of it"
Thank you for putting into words what I've been trying to for a very long time.
I recently found myself relieved of a really large amount of toxic shame that was a deep and profound humiliation about existing at all. I can now understand that for 50+ years i have crawled through the world in 3 sleeping bags filled with sands of shame. I feel like i am standing up for the first time in my life. I had no idea the horrible weight and labor of it. But my body knew. I made myself weigh almost 300 lbs. (Have lost 80+ through the work i've been doing)
I love your insight to the family system. Someone has to carry all that shame.
That's amazing! I am taken by that statement, "I am standing up for the first time in my life", because I had a similar experience where someone I admired called my name to participate in a staged activity. I was sitting and insisting that I could not do it. Suddenly, I became aware of myself as a person who had spent a life time curled up in a ball at the bottom of a dark tower. The sound of the person's voice was light coming in to the dark tower. I looked up and realized my position. I knew I had to stand up to live. But I think I am curled up at the bottom of the tower again. I don't know.
@@fancynancylucille if you're out here looking you're not curled up. Just sit up and check your pockets. There are keys in all our pockets to the locks we're looking at. We designed those locks. The keys are ours. It's your mind, your life. You built the tower. You put secret exits and tunnels all over it. Trust yourself. Find all your keys in all your pockets. Keep tapping on the walls for the hollow sound. Those are where the limiting beliefs you wrote a long time ago are getting thin. If you saw the light up there you'll be fine. You built the tower w a skylight. You made it to protect you, not trap you. You clearly don't need it any more. It's just an old habit.
I have literally never been told what you said to your son about shame. I can’t believe how powerful that message alone one.
The section of being shamed for having basic needs as a child, young adult, so today Im 41 and feel immovable brokenness and this inability to ask for my needs due to fear. I love this video, resonated with me!! Thank you.
So much shame. I knew there was some, but this really hit the nail on the head.
Anybody else watch performers (musicians, comedians, etc.) that aren’t that great and feel so much shame for them that you almost start crying?
your kiddos and the kiddos of your viewers won the parent lottery
This idea of a shame attack was so helpful for me. I never considered it this way and having the language to frame it helps me to identify these moments so clearly. Thank you.
This man is a living angel
& in not religious 🙏🏽
You are such a loving and caring dad!
There are two reasons I'm still overthinking so much and feel shame way too often. For one, I grew up with my mom and everytime I visited my dad I felt shamed by his girlfriend, cause she constantly criticized what I couldn't do or how I did things.
Additionally I happened to go to school with the most toxic classmates. You basically weren't allowed to function like a human being without getting shamed. Slip of the tounge - get shamed, showing excitement about something the others think it's lame - get shamed, cry or just show sadness over something - get shamed for a week.
I unlearned to emote during freaking school!! 14 years later and I still struggle to feel sincere emotions. I still feel shame for so many little "mistakes" and my brain still reminds me daily of situations when I felt shame even though I should be over it.
Toxic shame is horrible and it took me forever to realize why I am how I am, where this comes from and even though I've been working on it, I still struggle... it took away so much from my life.
His story with his kid reminds me of once my 5 yo (she has ADHA) broke 2 pieces of decor at a furniture store. Our rule is always "move as u like, just don't touch stuff". I now have rethought it after listening to Patrick reading your comments. I feel so guilty bc I really got mad that day at her and I was like "I told u don't touch things!", I was frustrated that I had to pay so much for nothing and left the store not enjoying our trip. I now understand what I made her feel, absolutely a lot of shame and guilt more that she needs or deserves. I didn't look at it this way then, I was just like she needs to learn a lesson, and I know for sure that she did, she became more careful around breakable items; but now I realize that we might get the same result without putting so much pressure on her. I try to learn and become a better parent even thu I know I messed up a lot. It's so depressing to know how awful my actions are effecting her .. thx for anyone who cared enough to read all of this confession XD
I saw similar behavior to your treatment of your son on television and always assumed that it was only a thing in movies. The televised idea that parents could be so nice, calling children little princesses or "the best thing that's ever happened to me" is such a foreign concept to me. *If I broke something at home, I would have to pay to replace it out of what little money I had* (birthday, chore money, etc.) regardless of if I had a job or not.
Well, at least you got money
Just one of MANY childhood memories of shame: I remember slipping and falling in my tap class. Totally mortified. obviously did not have the emotional support to deal with. I saw it as the root of my stage fright. 😢😢😢 Sending hugs and healing to all CPTSD survivors ❤️❤️❤️
I didn't think I had a toxic level of shame until I watched this video. It feels good to realize that this is something I can work on so I don't feel weighed down by this in my everyday life. Thank you
Your work is so accessible, authentic, and therefore healing.
Thank you, for what you do.♥️
I don’t want to go too much into my personal experiences but I will say that these videos have helped tremendously in pin pointing what exactly is the root for so many of my emotions and behaviors. I feel like I’ve been given hope and can really start working toward healing myself. Thank you!
Having so many shame flashbacks watching this. I’m remembering being on a hike with my mom, aunt and cousins when I was about 5-6 years old and tripping whilst walking next to a pond. As I’m falling into the pond I remember crying and thinking "Mom will see this and come help pick me up" and "I’ll lay in the pond until she sees me so that she’ll rush to comfort me". And then when she saw me she started mockingly laughing and humiliating me in front of everyone for being such a dumb, clumsy and lazy girl and not getting up immediately. Her first response was to shame and humiliate.
It's amazing & frustrating at the same time how you're able to vocalize, like really get, everything that I've gone through over the years while therapists I've dealt with just consistently have these blind spots in our conversations.
There is no freedom like finally understanding why you are the way you are
I EXPLODED laughing when you said "lawyer mode"! My dad used to be a lawyer.
Your son is so blessed to have you as his father! 💙💙
I would have asked my son what he thought as this happened at the store, and then how he felt.
If parents want to make children strong, they can reward with love when children speak out what they feel and think.
You don't need to teach them what they feel. Children are experts in feelings. The mess begins when we expect them to have other feelings.
i don’t think i grew up in a toxic family but i have a lot of toxic shame :( like, i go into the shame spirals that were mentioned, it’s like i’m mentally beating myself up for being embarrassing or for messing something up and my subconscious is so so mean to me, it’ll literally bring me to tears when it gets bad
I can remember from being very young, me doing things on impulse, suddenly finding myself in an awkward situation and thinking: «Wow, why did I do this?» And my parents were quite loving and healthy, but I don’t think they understood that a child that young could perceive what other people said or thought about me, when they were laughing and making excuses for me if I did something wrong in public. I remember us saying hallo to some new neighbours, I must have been three years old (I know this because these neighbours only lived there for a couple of months before they moved on) and their daughter had a fine new bike. Suddenly I found myself cycling away on that bike, my father run after me and said: «That is not our bike, we must put it back,» and my mother excused to the new neighbours: «She is so young, she doesn’t understand it is wrong to steel.» And they all laughed, while I felt so ashamed and humiliated. «Why did I do this, I am so stupid!»
My parents never talked about this to me later, that is not why I remember it, to them it was nothing, but I remember it so clear even today at fifty years old, even if my parents were not toxic or abusive or anything like that.
Because I remember situations like this, I have tried to treat my own daughter with respect, since I know that even very small children can feel shame and humiliation when the adults laugh and talk over their head. (I can guarantee though, that my daughter will have tons of examples of me failing.)
I was told that my timing was ALWAYS the worst, my choice of words was ALWAYS the worst. I was told that I couldn’t possibly be doing things in a worse way, and that’s why I would ALWAYS be raged at by my parents. I could never see how that was true, and I felt like I should stop talking because I was too stupid to see what seemed so obvious to my parents. Now I’m scared I’ll say something wrong and upset the people around me 24/7. I have no confidence when it comes to… mostly anything, actually. This video is helping me see that my parents were trying to shame me for their shortcomings in parenting. They were the ones with the issues, not me… They treated me like I was pushing their buttons when any sane adult will know that it’s the adults who need to keep it together around children.
“Crawl into the woodwork and die.” Lmao. Caught me off guard - hilarious.
Something that I seldom hear talked about but is just as important is that it doesn’t just have to be your parents that made you develop certain attitudes about yourself growing up. My siblings put me in a very competitive environment and made me feel very bad about myself growing up, whereas my parents were pretty normal, but had a hard time dealing with our conflicts. I’m still sorting through insecurity issues from my siblings, even though I love them and don’t have issues with them now
I am a child of multiple generations of abuse and neglect. In regards to the spectrum of shame. When I see that, I think of how my mother sits on the side of too much shame with her parents, but shameless when dealing with her own children. I remember her using the excuse ‘we don’t have it as near as bad as what she did’. Thinking about my own experience, I am the same way. I am shameful with my parents and can’t express my truth, but shameless with my daughter (when she was younger) and share too much truth.
I remember being SO ashamed as a kid if I knocked over my cup at the dinner on accident...it’s like the serious reactions of my parents in those moments made me feel so guilty and embarrassed. After this video I see hoe RIDICULOUS it was for my parents to react that way.
I can really relate with most things, shame is an everyday feeling for me and a very difficult one to control. My therapist gave me an exercise where I should make an image of shame in my mind (using all the senses) and then transform it into something completely different that make me feel safe and comfortable. I know it sounds easy but it takes a lot of practice and focus to get it right! I'm looking forward to your homework as well 🤗
Whenever I talked back, or insisted, I was told I was the one that 'could never be wrong'. So now I have a complex where I don't ever know when I am right and when I'm not, and it's very difficult to sustain my own opinions and pov.
"No one is gonna die for making mistakes."
This statement has hit me hard. For the first time, I realized that I have always believed that my mistakes are huge and will cause irreversible damage somewhere down the line. Thank you Patrick for the great work!
This is my life struggle…
The older/more trauma-informed I become, the more I resent my parents for my abuse yet this conflicts with the innate love I have for them and… I shame myself for not just dismissing all the bad in favour of the good.
Wow this is so good! Can I request an entire video of stories of healthy interactions between you and your son? Not about one specific topic but just stories you feel relevant like the story you told at the beginning. What I really liked was the follow up you shared about your conversation in the car after.
I busted out laughing when you said “Remember that thing you said to your friend in the fourth grade?” It’s so true! These insignificant things are always on my mind.
I experienced this from a babysitter whose home we were dropped off at. We were told there were cameras everywhere. Meals were inconsistent, my siblings and I were often told to stay in the basement while the other children were allowed upstairs to eat.
I remember begging a neighbor girl for a sip of her water on a hot day. She couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to have water, and I explained I’d spilt my water before.
I struggle to even admit to myself I need to go to the restroom, there was so much shame built into our basic needs there.
But the isolation was the worst part. Other kids didn’t have the same experience as us, so we were left doubting our reality.
I like what you say about integrity in a child being a feeling of being unique and special. Because the toxic shame reaction of "it must be my fault" then restores the feeling of being special (not to mention being in control in a sense), just special in a negative way. By thinking "these scary things were caused by me," or "I have the power to provoke these scary reactions" I give myself power (which I may not actually have) compared to my first reaction of "what just happened? why?". As adults who still face randomly bad things happening in the world in general and in our world in particular, finding healthy ways to feel unique is such an important process. Thank you for making this series!
As a kid, I scrambled to make bearable sense of the insanity around me by being apologetic, because the true danger would have been too much to bear. I got quite good at it! I started to recognize this survival tactic in myself as an adult but it truly saved me several times, when it 'bought me time' and enough distance to back away slowly, then bolt. The turning point was when a grizzly bear and I were both minding our own business and somehow backed/bumped into each other (way up in Alaska), and I spent about five minutes apologizing profusely and backing away step by step. It was the same thing I had done as a kid when I was in danger. Sigh.
🥺ME too. By the age of 5 I already knew you don't cry in front of someone. My bad mother was beating the living crap out of me and my brother with a wooden spoon, a brush or whatever else she could find. I remember one time when she beat me over the head with a humongous wooden spoon (it was 1960, now they're junk) so hard she BROKE that thing over my head. These severe beatings went on regularly for 9 years. How could somebody not know you don't beat your kids til they're black and blue?? How? 🥺
When it gets bad enough its a mix if “i just wish this would end” and “i wish i had never existed”.
We don't seem to use that word so much in these generations but my mother's (80 year age range) did use this word as I was growing up. She did have circumstances as a child that would have reinforced that word within her experience and then use it as an adult and mother. Shame is a tricky thing. Glad you bring these issues to the surface. As a single Mother myself I have really sought to maintain that balance of understanding yet personal responsibility with guiding my 4 children.
I think the toxic shame issue can definitely result from that old narcissistic tendency. For years and years being so overly concerned about what others thought of me. This rooted from daily constant reminder of the shame issue surrounding daily life of adjusting to please others first. Phew, relieved to have finally broken through that.😊
I fluctuate between too much & too little. At times of stress it’s most noticeable. I’m here bc I’m dealing with my elderly parent’s house move, with my sister. Each one of them is a… unique personality, & they all think I’m an idiot.
Wow, I have that bad feeling almost all the time...its shame. Thank you
Thank God for people like you
A year ago, i just started to recognize the sudden waves of anger and derision that i would aim at myself when i thought i messed up. Not even words, just a tidal wave of emotion. Now im actually recognizing the thoughts as they come, which i think is progress. Still not great, but its easier to argue with yourself when you know its happening
If I was able to keep hitting the thumbs up for your comment , I would probably still be tapping it.:)
I have to say that while a lot comes from parents there’s something to say about teachers, too. I grew up in advanced classes with constantly feeling like anything less than 100% meant failure, and no my parents didn’t say that. I definitely was pressured by teachers and classmates with the same teachers. Just thought I’d note that additional source of “shame” 🙂
Oh yeah, my teacher always made me feel ashamed and I grew up hating school and feeling like there was something wrong with me. Now I realize that I wasn't a "bad student". I wasn't destructive, I didn't bully and I was very very sweet. My teacher would call my parents up to the school for doing thinks like "Looking" like I was going to start a food fight or giggling too much or doing a hand stand during play time. I would get into so much trouble and was treated like I had committed a serious crime. Now I love school because I've finally realized how smart and curious I am. I love school and I plan on getting my Phd
Hi, I was wondering if you haven’t already, do a deep dive into emotional childhood trauma. Physical is often talked about. But can you talk about emotional trauma in childhood in more detail? Manipulation, insulting, never being good enough, etc. and being the “black sheep” of the family and least favorite? If you already have, sorry for asking. I’m a newer subscriber.
My family continues to make me feel shame and feel small. Not with their words, but their actions and the identity that was assigned to me.
I feel so much shame all the time. It's horrible. Thank you so much for understanding and for helping me identify what's going on. It's the worst at night and your videos are the only way I can sleep sometimes. I have attacks of shame all the time and I break out in sweats and I feel hot, shaky and very sick inside.
Dang, the first few mins are already making me cry cus I wish I had that kind of support and someone to guide me with my emotions and feelings like that. Could have helped me A LOT. thank you for these videos!
My first thought was that wouldn't have happened to me as I, as a child, would have done every thing in my power for it not to happened.
Now I'm trying to think of what would happen if it did/what was I so afraid of what happened.
I presume my mother would scream & yell. I'd probably be spanked, and I could see my dad either getting upset or calming both my mom & I down, depending on what happened.
For me that would be like winning the fucking lotery nothing i did worth less than a day of yelling and beating and shaming
Sometimes a wake up in the middle of the night as if I had a terrible nightmare but in reality it’s extreme shame from things I’ve done in the past
I’ve noticed a connection between shame and compulsive behavior. Gabor Mate talks about it in his work with addicts. They experienced trauma as children and were overwhelmed by the shame/inability to reconcile their feelings. Once I understood that connection it helped me see people, even those who had wronged me deeply, in a different light.
I’m still processing a bit of toxic shame with my mother. My father passed away eleven years ago, and for the next nine I lived with my mom initially to help her but then as her caregiver when she developed Alzheimer’s and eventually ended up in assisted living. Those years were difficult and she frequently commented that I didn’t pay enough attention to her/care enough for her, and eventually blamed me for her being in assisted living and then memory care. She told the doctor once that she had memory problems because I didn’t interact with her enough, and she accused me of abandoning her and treating her like a dog. She passed away in 2018 and I am still processing my feelings about our relationship. This video was helpful in my realization that I have a lot of toxic shame attached to it. I have moments still where I feel her illness might have been misdiagnosed and that perhaps it was my fault for not taking care of her well enough. I think I carry a lot of shame from childhood traumas with my mother up until her passing. Sorry for such a long comment, but this video really resonated with me and I am thankful for that.
This could not have come at a more Perfect timing
I grew up in a toxic household, on top of that we were very poor. I was so embarrassed of poor we were, I couldn't invite my friends home, I was eating my packed lunch in somewhere hidden qs I used to take a boiled egg and bread. My friend in class shouted at me in class for me eating cheap bread in the classroom.relatives constantly bullied us and even now they still do how poor we were. Shame is a part of me
Yeah, 'Toxic Shame' was my baseline for most of my life. It IS better now but I do have to keep working on it.