Toxic Shame: 6 Steps To Overcome it
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- Опубліковано 14 тра 2024
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If you struggle with toxic shame - in other words you feel like your a bad, flawed, broken or unworthy human at a core level - it's going to make feeling good about yourself and your life near impossible. There are several signs that you are living with toxic shame that I teach you here, and then I will teach you 6 steps to start overcoming debilitating shame.
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I have always felt like I'm not good enough. I wish I could feel what it feels like to be a confident person who feels she is worthy❤
focus more on debunking shame, then chasing confidence, otherwise you would end up in narcissism
Personal bookmarks:
1. Various ways toxic shame shows up in our lives 4:21
2. Dealing with toxic shame 20:45
Thanks buddy
I wish I had seen this video 30 years ago. Much of my life was built on shame, I was raised that way. I am presently on sick leave from work due to burnout and am still experiencing some of the existential depression that came along with it. I saw myself in about half of these signs; thank you so much for explaining them so clearly.
Glad you found this helpful. I hope you're able to get the support you need to move through this season of burnout and depression. Sending you love and peace Amanda.
Also, didn't you just join The Shift Society? I thought I saw your name pop up on my new members list.
@@juliakristinamah Not yet, I’m not quite ready to take this on but I know I can at any time and that you’re there to help. Don’t worry, I have a psychiatrist working with me.
This video came into your life at the right time.
i have read that toxic shame can mask itself as depression
I'm feeling overwhelmed with grief realising how deeply and profoundly shame has driven my life
shame is linked to pessimism
Me 🤚. I grew up in an incredibly toxic, unloving, narcissistic, alcoholic, mentally unstable family. I am the Scapegoat.
I had this due to bullying and I developed this toxic shame which made me feel I was flawed and I tried to make up.
I'm 67, been on this path of trying to heal for 50 years, done every workshop, retreat and intensive known to man, read every book, listened to every audio tape and VCR tape since 1985 starting with the codependency and addictions pioneers, yada yada, But Julia has the BEST descriptions of how this illness feels.
Have u tried IOPT?
1. Taking almost everything very personally.
2. Feeling invisible and/or unappreciated.
3. You believe you have to work harder than everyone else to (over-function)
4. You feel like you have to work harder in relationships to be loved.
5. Nothing you do or say really matters.
6. You over focus what other people think about you.
7. You frequently believe people are using you.
8. You’re afraid of speaking up in order to avoid criticism.
9. You feel like an outsider.
10. You feel inauthentic / like you can’t be your true self.
11. You struggle to take responsibility for yourself.
12. You struggle to admit fault and apologize. (flight)
13. You over apologize. (fawn)
14. You often get really defensive and deflect.
15. You find failure and mistakes devastating.
16. You have explosive anger / rage.
Toxic Shame was and continues to be the most significant topic I encountered in 12 step Recovery followed by the discovery of the "CORRECT TARGET" for my deep and blistering RAGE ....my own parents!, not my wives, friends, co-workers, strangers, the government...my parents DESERVED my rage and when I found the courage to send (not give) it back to them, most of my deep rage and hatred was was released & I finally felt some justice. Toxic Shame will most likely hound me for the rest of my life (I'm 85) BUT, thanks to you and other Recovery/therapy systems, it can be stopped or reduced. God help all the shame based ppl in the world who have no help getting over or dealing with this CRIPPLING monster.
Had a great test on this a few days ago. Left garage door open all night. Great way to have bicycles stolen. I didn't let me label myself over this!! I read some time ago that no one calls a toddler who falls a "faller" and we shouldn't label ourselves either.
The question of what shame feels like resonated so much for me. It made me realize that, to me, shame feels like being cornered. Like I’m experiencing a flight impulse but there’s nowhere to go, the literal physical feeling of having nowhere to go besides shrinking backwards. This honestly made me cry because I had a tough relationship with my parents growing up (and still) and one thing that would often happen when we argued was the two of them physically cornering me. I’m in awe of the way my body has stored that feeling and remembered it through all this time without me having to try. Like it won’t allow me to forget or deny my truth even when I really want to
Omg. This is exactly how shame feels for me too
I never heard of you. Just happen to click this video and I swear you were talking directly to me. I'm in shock but rewind to pause and take notes. Your perspective is like a rope to save something in me that was drowning. Just clicking the Like button couldn't ever thank you enough.
My father deals with a lot of shame. He worries a lot about other people's thoughts, over worries small details, and takes out his anger onto us. It is unhealthy and it makes us feel really down for a long time. It seems like I am absorbing his struggles and I struggle with similar issues. But here I am working on this shame with you because I want to turn this around and feel better. Thanks for all you do Julia!
Also, I would love to join the Shift Society but am not in the appropriate situation at this time, so will join once I am ready.
I couldn’t wait to watch this video because shame is a leading emotion for me-unfortunately. I grew up being shamed and made to feel guilty when in actuality, i was capable of learning from mistakes in other ways. But i learned to instead feel terrible for my feelings and behaviors. It absolutely is debilitating and i believe a lot of my nightmares come from that feeling of same/guilt. Thankfully my nighttime anxiety meds give me peace and I no longer wake up with TMJ/migraines. I still have a ways to go. Thank you so much!
I understand what you are saying.
You just precisely described how I felt for the most part of my life
EVERYTHING you said hit home. Everything 😢. It's bitter sweet. It makes me feel sad but it's time. I've been searching & I also feel hopeful.❤
Someone said that I apologize too much. I wanted to apologize for doing that
🤯 never would’ve thought I struggled with shame but SEVERAL of these resonate with me. Thank you for your time with this 💛
So glad you found it helpful. And really glad you're here.
I struggle with this lots and it's due to the way I was raised. I Always felt shame in the things I like and did!! Happy Thursday Julia!! I appreciate you friend!!
Really glad this connected - thanks for all your support!
I don't know why no one anyone talks about this.
Thank you for making this! ✨🙏✨
Absolutely spot on, thank you!
Thank you so much! That was really helpful! 🙏🏻
Thank you. I’m on the wait list.
This video really hits home. Thank you.
Been a minute since I've watched one of your videos! Love you and what you do, Julia! Thanks for the good information!
Preach it sista' friend! Thank you so much!
Thank you! God bless you!
Hi Julia! Still loving all of the reminders of the work that I did in the shift society! 💕 Thank you~ Christie
Answered so many questions. Thank you for providing so many missing pieces....
This video was AMAZING. Thank you so much for your precious help
Great advice I am takeing every word into consideration.
Thank you for this!!!
I love your stuff - your book was a
amazing too. Thank you for your service. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Thanks for this video ♥️
I am not my shame, it is a feeling! Thanks Julia.
Julia...thank you so much for this video. I never knew how much shame i was going through until you started listing them off. Just a few days ago my shame trigger got pulled because my mother humiliated me in front of my sister and dad. And I used anger amd defensiveness yo protect myself
great information, helped me a lot, thank you Julia!❤❤
Julia, this video as well as so many of your videos are so powerful. Thank you
Boy you hit the nail on the head, allll these are what I struggle with… didn’t realize even how much and in all areas. I see this in life and especially at work!
Thank you for this
I realise when you were talking about to do more I'm starting listening you trough my ears 👍👍
This resonates so much! I’m starting to realize that so much of the negative and critical thoughts are not real, and are part of trauma growing up with Asperger’s in a neurotypical world and developing a perfectionist mindset to compensate. Thank you for being such a key part of my healing journey.
This really resonated with me. I had most of the signs of shame you listed including all the negative self talk. I will definitely try to work on being more gentle and compassionate with myself.
This video resonated so much with me. A lot of my life so far has been affected by anxiety and worry which I had no idea was routed in the shame I’d felt for such a long time. I’m approaching a milestone birthday soon and my goal now moving forwards is to be kinder to myself and not allow shame to consume me!
I like your style of educating the public.
Literally almost everything you talked about is how I think about myself and situations…thank you Julia for this content ❤️
I've listened to this several times, but I return as I want to gauge my progress. In relistening to this having responsible thoughts REALLY hit, as I've never appreciated managing thoughts in that regard! I appreciate what you have gifted humanity with using your talents to make this world (and our little corner on the internet) a better place to exist. May God bless you Julia!
This was very a very helpful and informative video
Thank you so much. I was having a crisis when I came across you video, I am feeling much better and hugged ❤️🇧🇷
Ty I definitely am stuck in this shame process.
I ticked the box for every single sign… damn I’ve got some work to do. Thank you ❤
Yes I was totally brainwashed by guilt and taught shame. I have been working (with your help) to correct this very thing. Thank you.
I just wanna say that you are really amazing! Been watching u for so lone and u don't know how much you're helping me
Thank u so much and God bless u ❤
Loove G Christina got me out of some tough times
I can't believe how much shame has ruled my life to this point. I started looking at all the "signs" and it was like a light went off. Shame has been the thing screwing up my job, my relationships, my hobbies, you name it. I used this video for prep with my therapist, and to make a long story short, he said it was one of our best sections. So, thanks for the video and all you do. Keep up the good work.
Thank you
Thank you Julia, hope you don't mind me calling you by your first name. Did a lot of work in my late 30's but since then for some reason my life has become empty. Discovering you has rekindled the realisation of the work I still need to do (want to). You are a special help, thank you so much
Very helpful video I am going to practice not criticize my self for the next 3 days and to be aware of my thoughts, thank you.
She is the truth!!! OMG she read me up and down and all around! I love her approach and I actually feel understood and now I can navigate my mind better.
Excellent advice.
Thank you Julia we need you here in the UK 🇬🇧
Well explained, thank you for sharing such wonderful really helpful information for personal growth ❤👌👍
Hi Julia thanks for making this video
For most of the video I thought you were talking about me .I don’t usually post anything ( due to shame probably) but I felt as if I had to do this.
What I want say that my shame comes being Neuro diverse tho I’m self diagnosed (well I did go to school in the 70s)
I have never seen myself the same as others or good enough but in the same hand I’ve been put down and never made feel good enough from a early age
But after watching this a lot has made sense about my believes and how I have turned out the way I am today.
Will probably watch this another 20 times now
Would love to here from you and any others who have anything to share on the subject
Thanks for the awesome video Julia, it’s better the second time around!
Thanks..Glad you Love My Content, Write ✍️ Me Up 💬 Above 🔝 I'll Shear You Some beneficial Analysis'''update & enlightenment.
This particular video convinced me to join the “shift society”. So many layers to “shame”. There are those things we deserve to feel shame about. Then there are the careless insensitive remarks of those we loved.
i love your voice !!
Simple format good message
Thank you Julia
very helpful! thank you!
Hi,,I’m new here, but this video hit home….on so many levels…. Thanks for all the information….
Julia, thanks for the follow-up to the previous Q&A from the Shift Society. (I had watched the original Shame video (I have watched almost all your videos on both UA-cam and in the Shift Society), but everything is always "baby steps" for me in making progress.)
Baby steps are the most effective way to create deep, lasting changes. You are doing it right - so keep doing what you're doing!
Thanks!
This was much needed talk for my self compassion journey! Thank you!
Thanks..Glad you Love My Content, Write ✍️ Me Up 💬 Above 🔝 I'll Shear You Some beneficial Analysis'''update & enlightenment.
Thank you much for sharing such good details about shame .... I couldn't believe that I could almost relate to every...single... sign... All this time I thought that it was my anxiety and distorted mind that was playing games with me but today there is this new chapter called toxic shame that has opened up a new perspective for me. I really wish to learn more about this . Please do make more videos on toxic shame . I would be SO relieved to see a playlist about shame in the future 😉😊
Me, also! I could not believe how I fit almost every single one!! I just don’t think of it as shame. I need to research this more, also. Thank you, Julia!! ❤️ Please do more on this subject!
Amen....absolutely 🎯🤦🏼♂️🤝🏻🤝🏻🤝🏻
Really glad you found this one helpful and now have some tools to help you move forward.
This hit home more than I can say . Thank you so much for the work you do .
You're welcome Jon. Glad you're here.
Glad to see a new upload. Really appreciate your videos Kristina. Thank you for all you do😄
You're so welcome! Glad you're here.
Thanks girl
Wow! Just watch this video and it so describes me in almost every way! I thought it was just my sexual abuse that was affecting not realizing how the toxic shame from the abuse along with all the body shaming from men in my family added so much more to my shame! I was shamed into believing I was fat and ugly when I wasn’t!! I was a little girl needing and wanting to be loved, but instead feeling unworthy and invaluable. It had stripped me the allowing myself to be loved emotionally and physically…I so crave to have great physical connection yet fear being ridiculed for my looks and “ability.” 😞
I have def been an over apologizer, not the opposite. Apologizing for more than my share, and I became defensive as a result of people not seeing me, and having a bad pattern of allowing people to project onto me...but with people close to me, I'm not defensive. It's only when people try to falsely define me with inaccurate perceptions. working on not taking it personal when it happens so I can just laugh and shrug it off. The first 10 were super spot on for things I've been unraveling for awhile!
Thanks..Glad you Love My Content, Write ✍️ Me Up 💬 Above 🔝 I'll Shear You Some beneficial Analysis'''update & enlightenment....
I circled around this one for a while - very close to home. Identifying the reasons for shame is difficult when it has become a core aspect of identity. As you alluded to, there is equal and opposite reaction that comes out as frustration and anger (with myself), and ultimately self-loathing. I would add an inability to accept praise; thinking of it as being humoured.
Not even 5 minutes in and Im already crying my eyes out. Yeah, i have a lot of shame.
Julia Kristina counselor .good afternoon good to see you again sence joining your bootcamp course and livestream s I love these black and white videos and good talk topic shame 💜
Everything that you described- I feel and do. Thank you. I really didn't know the reason of those feelings.
Really glad this helped connect some dots. How do you think this information is going to impact you moving forward?
Yes, absolutely. I have been trying to work on myself for years and this will bring many changes I am sure. Once I notice where things are coming from- they no longer have the same effect. It will still require a lot of work but it won't be the same. Thanks again.
Some thought ARE (actually) accurate! Sometimes we ARE being “shamed”. We need to be assertive then, and not dismiss it.
Almost all of these I related to, but I had never realized that shame is where it all stems from. Thank you for sharing!
You're welcome - really glad you found it helpful.
Thank you for this video Julia. Everything you describe here describes me. I'm listening to the video and it's helping me understand the type of person that I am.
So glad you found it helpful.
Many Thanks Julia for such an enlightened . I can relate to most of this in a my child 👶 hood. Thanks again for everything you do.🙏🌞
You're so welcome. Really glad it connected.
Thank you so much!
Thanks..Glad you Love My Content, Write ✍️ Me Up 💬 Above 🔝 I'll Shear You Some beneficial Analysis'''update & enlightenment.
I realized after a challenging conversation with my boss I dissociated. Thank you for mentioning that.
Love your videos!!! This one really applies to a friend of mine. I wish they would get help. I've sent them your videos but they are not ready to hear the truth.
That's tough - but I do find that when people are ready, they're ready, and you can't do much to rush that process for them.
Thanks for this message, May God bless, it what was really screwing me , now I can handle it, I've Got alot
Totally resonated
Nearly everything in this video rings true for me. The most bizarre thing is I'm 41 and only realised shame was the core problem with me a few days ago, the "cause" of probably all my other issues, which I now see are symptoms, not conditions in themselves.
I had/have social anxiety disorder, avoidant pd, crippling perfectionism, and I'm extremely judgemental. I knew all that and hated all that about me, but never understood why until I started shadow work and journalling after watching Stutz and going down the rabbit hole. And yet now I know, it's the most blindingly obvious thing in the world, issues of shame repeatedly appear in the fiction I write but I didn't understand. Know thyself! How many of us have the first clue who we are and why?
I have been listening to Jordan Peterson books the ones about the rules and my book ideas kinda resonate with what he talks about my evil cult has the head as a dragon to stop it my protagonist needs to die to escape it and I have spiritual parents as well.
Hi ,how to overcome toxic shame?
Thank you very much. I have found it "hard" to find my self on the Point where i passed through my depression process. Since i know there is a yes actual "better" version o my self.
I identify with 90% of all the signs
I can relate to so many that I lost count!
weirdly it came to my attention yesterday that shame has been controlling my perception, thanks ❤❤❤
finger print. Hello I'm Nikki I follow Julia s videos and channel and I am in Julia's good for me group I relate to your comment
isn't that wild how that works sometimes??
You help me alot
Ma'am love you. You help me alot 😭😭❤️ Divine bless you. 💓
Sunflower. Hello I'm Nikki I follow Julia s channel and videos and I'm in the good for me group I completely agree Julia's video s are very helpful and informative interesting 🙂
@@nikkimckay860 ❤️❤️❤️😁