My husband and I talked about my issues in that I totally psychoanalyze everyone and every situation. I used to think I was just very into psychology but the truth is I don't feel safe in relationships so I'm always looking for ways someone is going to hurt me. If I can psychoanalyze someone, it gives me a false sense of control. I can see if they would screw me over before they do :/ it's so pervasive. I wish I could stop. I did this with my malignant narcissist mother. I'm still functioning like I was in my tragic childhood
I am so sorry you had a childhood with such a difficult experience around relational safety. What a great insight you have about how you have been approaching it - and in many ways, I am guessing your ability to over analyze kept you safe. We don't have to get rid of that part of ourselves - in fact, I would say it's not possible and frankly, it's important. But, that said, I think the work is in learning to harness and manage that part of ourselves and not let it "drive the bus" - body work on your nervous system can be really helpful because what is usually happening is our brain is making up a story to respond to what we feel in our bodies. Sending you so much love and healing - thank you so much for being here and sharing:)
OMG this sounds exactly like me!!! I’m a social worker who is going to train as a therapist because of this trait in me. I have CPTSD and am terrified of intimacy. It shows how strong you must be that you’ve managed to get married despite all your fears. I haven’t got there yet, sadly :(
This is me too. Psychology is one of the few things I have never really lost interest in, even have my bachelor's degree in it. But I often let it drive the bus in my relationships and life. It is hard not to when it has provided me so much clarity, knowledge, confidence and foresight into myself and others. But it needs to be used as a tool, not a weapon ❤.
Same minus the husband lol. Nobody has complained yet but I know for a fact it will be a problem later. I like learning about their relationships with their parents and what their upbringing was like. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to understand people. I can’t believe more people don’t do it.
1. Pace and Pause at the start/commit too fast 2. Fear of abandonment 3. Fear of engulfment 4. Perfectionism 5. Out of touch with needs due to shame for needs 6. Don't bring ourselves onto relationships with depth 7. Over-analysis/in our heads 8. Unrealistic and overly romanticise the relationship 9. Choose unavailable partners 10. Shared trauma - shortcutting process of intimacy or bonding over wounds 11. Project our wounds on our partner without doing the healing
So I’ve realised I’ve put high expectations on my friendships when in reality what I was trying to do is distract and fill the voids caused from the lack of an intimate/romantic relationship. I’m 33 and never dated until I was 30! I had no experience of affection/intimacy on that level. The relationship ended after 10months as it was toxic. Now here I am trying to unlearn these self sabotaging behaviours and wondering what to do…
This, everything! I care so much about this man in my life, but im TERRIFIED of it all. Im nitpicking him, im trying to pull away, Im not sharimg my feelings... i hope that i can heal because this relationship has the potential to be so beautiful.
I also always fantasize too much and make things up; this makes me get into relationships with dangerous narcissists who are abusive who draw me in with the promise of fantasy and then switch to devalue and degrade me again.. it's like I'm trying to prove that I can fix it (I have a narcissistic parent)
I’m so thankful for your insight into this confusing and complex set of patterns! I hear myself, my husband, our relationship in this whole video. We’re both in the process of healing but absolutely experience these thoughts/behaviors that feel so real and “correct” but are sabotaging us. This is immensely helpful and truly inspiring.
ive known for a while that i have a fear of intimacy. I've only had one relationship that lasted about 4 months due to me self sabotaging it. it's like it aware i'm doing all these things but i don't know how to stop it.
Thank you so much Kim for your video.I can relate to almost all of them and i feel scared but at the same time excited that i became aware of it.I feel lucky to find your channel, starting my journey into psycology.I'm 19 and have started first relationship that mirrors my childhood trauma.Looking forward to learn as much as i can and heal my wounds.You are such an inspiration for me and i'd be grateful if you would give me some advice on where do i have so start or with what.Have a blessed day!!😘
I didn’t realize that I am often seeking perfection from my partner. Trying to pick up on tiny expressions, overanalyzing behavior, and then making a definitive conclusion- as if two things cannot be true at once. But I totally relate to all of them. Yikes! So glad I’m on the path toward healing at least instead of continuing to walk in the wrong direction of sabotage, fear, and pulling away.
The advice is straight to the point but when I heard percolate... for some reason felt satisfying. Keep it up , your healing the world has better relationships ❣️
my trauma brain makes it impossible for me to feel joyful when I hear my children screaming. Lol. in reference to the neighbors kids screaming in the background on this video.
Back to back videos that are nearly identical to how I have been. Is being aware of this the way to healing it, talking about it, making different decisions with the awareness, and or something else the way to heal it?
My husband and I talked about my issues in that I totally psychoanalyze everyone and every situation. I used to think I was just very into psychology but the truth is I don't feel safe in relationships so I'm always looking for ways someone is going to hurt me. If I can psychoanalyze someone, it gives me a false sense of control. I can see if they would screw me over before they do :/ it's so pervasive. I wish I could stop. I did this with my malignant narcissist mother. I'm still functioning like I was in my tragic childhood
I am so sorry you had a childhood with such a difficult experience around relational safety. What a great insight you have about how you have been approaching it - and in many ways, I am guessing your ability to over analyze kept you safe. We don't have to get rid of that part of ourselves - in fact, I would say it's not possible and frankly, it's important. But, that said, I think the work is in learning to harness and manage that part of ourselves and not let it "drive the bus" - body work on your nervous system can be really helpful because what is usually happening is our brain is making up a story to respond to what we feel in our bodies. Sending you so much love and healing - thank you so much for being here and sharing:)
@@DrKimSage thank you so much for your compassion and videos! 💜 They are so helpful.
OMG this sounds exactly like me!!! I’m a social worker who is going to train as a therapist because of this trait in me. I have CPTSD and am terrified of intimacy. It shows how strong you must be that you’ve managed to get married despite all your fears. I haven’t got there yet, sadly :(
This is me too. Psychology is one of the few things I have never really lost interest in, even have my bachelor's degree in it. But I often let it drive the bus in my relationships and life. It is hard not to when it has provided me so much clarity, knowledge, confidence and foresight into myself and others. But it needs to be used as a tool, not a weapon ❤.
Same minus the husband lol. Nobody has complained yet but I know for a fact it will be a problem later. I like learning about their relationships with their parents and what their upbringing was like. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to understand people. I can’t believe more people don’t do it.
1. Pace and Pause at the start/commit too fast
2. Fear of abandonment
3. Fear of engulfment
4. Perfectionism
5. Out of touch with needs due to shame for needs
6. Don't bring ourselves onto relationships with depth
7. Over-analysis/in our heads
8. Unrealistic and overly romanticise the relationship
9. Choose unavailable partners
10. Shared trauma - shortcutting process of intimacy or bonding over wounds
11. Project our wounds on our partner without doing the healing
So I’ve realised I’ve put high expectations on my friendships when in reality what I was trying to do is distract and fill the voids caused from the lack of an intimate/romantic relationship. I’m 33 and never dated until I was 30! I had no experience of affection/intimacy on that level. The relationship ended after 10months as it was toxic. Now here I am trying to unlearn these self sabotaging behaviours and wondering what to do…
What about avoiding relationships altogether?
I’m terrified of intimacy
Fear of vulnerability plays a huge role.
This, everything!
I care so much about this man in my life, but im TERRIFIED of it all. Im nitpicking him, im trying to pull away, Im not sharimg my feelings... i hope that i can heal because this relationship has the potential to be so beautiful.
I also always fantasize too much and make things up; this makes me get into relationships with dangerous narcissists who are abusive who draw me in with the promise of fantasy and then switch to devalue and degrade me again.. it's like I'm trying to prove that I can fix it (I have a narcissistic parent)
I’m so thankful for your insight into this confusing and complex set of patterns! I hear myself, my husband, our relationship in this whole video. We’re both in the process of healing but absolutely experience these thoughts/behaviors that feel so real and “correct” but are sabotaging us. This is immensely helpful and truly inspiring.
Thank you for sharing Elyse, and though I know it's difficult, it's good to hear that it's helpful. Sending you both love and healing today.💜🙏
ive known for a while that i have a fear of intimacy. I've only had one relationship that lasted about 4 months due to me self sabotaging it. it's like it aware i'm doing all these things but i don't know how to stop it.
I have never been in a relationship. I am not getting any younger.
Can you relate to any of these signs in your life or relationships?
Thank you so much Kim for your video.I can relate to almost all of them and i feel scared but at the same time excited that i became aware of it.I feel lucky to find your channel, starting my journey into psycology.I'm 19 and have started first relationship that mirrors my childhood trauma.Looking forward to learn as much as i can and heal my wounds.You are such an inspiration for me and i'd be grateful if you would give me some advice on where do i have so start or with what.Have a blessed day!!😘
I didn’t realize that I am often seeking perfection from my partner. Trying to pick up on tiny expressions, overanalyzing behavior, and then making a definitive conclusion- as if two things cannot be true at once. But I totally relate to all of them. Yikes! So glad I’m on the path toward healing at least instead of continuing to walk in the wrong direction of sabotage, fear, and pulling away.
The advice is straight to the point but when I heard percolate... for some reason felt satisfying. Keep it up , your healing the world has better relationships ❣️
How to tell the difference between fear of intimacy and asexuality?
I think I'm both lol 😂
This was really really helpful! But, what do I do now? Like... how would you even heal? Is it possible?
Thank you so much for your work and videos!! It is so, so helpful and I appreciate your warm manner, makes it way easier to follow you! 🤍 from Germany
I wish i could care
Intimacy in my kryptonite
That was really good
I relate to this so much
my trauma brain makes it impossible for me to feel joyful when I hear my children screaming. Lol. in reference to the neighbors kids screaming in the background on this video.
I can't bear it either. I always think it means something is wrong.
Back to back videos that are nearly identical to how I have been.
Is being aware of this the way to healing it, talking about it, making different decisions with the awareness, and or something else the way to heal it?
This sounds like a borderline 🤔 or is this anxious attachment style?
its funny i study psychology but I still have this problem lol
You cannot selfdiagnose such an important issue
Girl it’s okay it’s not joyful to hear kids screaming 😅 lol ❤❤ ❤ support your channel new here
exposing me 😮