whenever i have a crush on someone i’m like super excited and i’ll do anything i can to make them like me, but then when they start showing interest in me i get uncomfortable. wtf😔
I struggle with this too in some kind of extent like if they like me back I would sabotage it, and most of the time be very off putting to make them dislike me because I don’t believe they actually like me. It’s extremely toxic. And this year I realize I am doing this. After so long..but it correlates with my fucked up attachment style
I can't imagine myself in a relationship or marrying someone. I have this fear where someone can never love me for my body and my personality..........
i want to form relationship..but when its getting close,i freaked out..so i shut them out..like, saying 'Hi!thats it, bye'..i dont want it as much as i want it..
I was neglected/abused by my family. They died when i was just 11. Older bro left me for a life of crime/drugs. I was a black sheep in my family, I overcame most of my troubles with education, groups and medications but the mems are always there and will always be there tho w little effect today.
@@haleloi3018 The fact that you can acknowledge your trauma and memories while confidently stating that they can't hurt you anymore is so amazing to me. Well done to you, I hope you are really proud of yourself.
Probably has a similar or same cause. Intimacy is intimacy after all. But for some people it may be specifically sexual intimacy they have a problem with because of sexual abuse.
Kathryn94 I see, but mine isn't because of sexual abuse, but because I have had trauma with the opposite gender. I'm not straight, but it really inhibits my perspective on men.
Mako Yuhara i feel this, like when people touch me or anything i just feel uncomfortable but i usually don't mention it unless they won't stop bc idk i guess i don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or that i don't like them. idk but i've never liked people touching me
My mom was overbearing and a would ignore certain issues as a teen. And my dad just completely ignored me. So, I struggle with this SO MUCH! Having emotions is such a difficult thing for me.
Excellent Video! Apologies for chiming in, I would appreciate your opinion. Have you ever tried - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (Have a quick look on google cant remember the place now)? It is an awesome one off guide for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger minus the hard work. Ive heard some great things about it and my work buddy at last got cool success with it.
Kudos for the Video clip! Forgive me for the intrusion, I am interested in your thoughts. Have you thought about - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (probably on Google)? It is a great exclusive product for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger without the headache. Ive heard some great things about it and my friend Sam after a lifetime of fighting got excellent results with it.
Also, the reason why I can't open up is because my anxiety always tells me I'm the only one and nobody understands. I always cancel dates or stop talking to them because I tell myself they'll never understand about my scars and unless I get them covered up, I'm worried I'll never give anyone the chance.
Jack Obrein Me too😔not even my parents, alcohol is more important to them and all they gave me was something to do with violence... They haven't even said that they love me and i feel really worthless. Also after being badly bullied for years made me have even deeper scars and i started to have suicidal thoughts. I'm trying to become more self-aware because i wanna live, killing myself isn't an option. I'm still fighting and it's hard cuz i feel emotionally and physically drained and powerless.. and i feel like i can't feel anything anymore, everything is just blank... and i'm afraid of people getting closer to me physically and emotionally. I don't really know what to do, but i'm trying my best. When i have opened up to my parents they put me down and say horrible things to me, maybe that's the reason i don't open up easily. I know i need help but i don't know what to do and how to act.. i'm just afraid.
And there is nothing wrong with that. People need to understand people want different things. I’m glad you shared your story, that takes a lot of bravery. If you need help there are people you can talk too to get help. There is not anything wrong with help. Hope you fare well. Surround yourself with people who are good. Family isn’t blood. Family is people who love you.
In my head, having someone flirt with me or try to engage in a romantic way with me just stresses me out so much, the only solution is to shut them out. I had this girl who was texting me because she wanted to get to know me better. Every time I'd hear the ring tone I'd start panicking and get massive anxiety. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't think. If being with someone makes me feel like that my whole life, I'd rather be alone. I just told her I wasn't into her and that was the only way I could get back into a normal mindset.
Seek help my dude. This "normal mindset" is what is known as a comfort zone. Going for a new job, a first date, buying a house or other unusual experience often brings on anxiety, or fear of the unknown/future. We are social creatures by nature, you cannot undo your DNA. Our definition of life is based around intimacy. Believe me I know, its fucking hard. Far easier to spend years on the internet or in own heads than to spend 30 minutes with someone else. But, in order to feel true love and happiness you have to roll the dice with someone and leave yourself completely vulnerable. Just remember they're doing the exact same thing, they want the same goal and play by the same rules. Goodluck my friend, god knows we all need it.
This is literally me, but I get further and further in a relationship before t hits. Now I am moving in together but it came back. I scheduled a therapy session finally. I think that's the best we can do, not sure if we can figure this one out ourselves. This attachment thing is also connected with a lot of childhood trauma's related to attachment
This is exactly how I feel... there is a man that really likes me, but I can't like him at all.. When I receive a message from him asking me to go out, I can't feel my limbs from stress... but I know he is for sure the best guy i might find in my life, he just isn't pretty.. but i just CAN'T! and i don't know what to do, but I don't want to stop this relationship too, because it isn't the first time I've felt like this.. I want to stop this, to get into the relationship with that person properly (so what if he isn't pretty? Everything else about him is wonderful and I know it is..) and I'm trying to force myself to continue it, but it's too hard.. it's like I'm pushing myself against the wall, trying to go through it
When something upsetting or stressful happens, I find it extremely exhausting to talk about. It's so much easier to keep it to myself until my irritability becomes obvious and everyone is wondering what's wrong... Then I'm annoyed even more. Sometimes bringing up a stressful situation brings back all the feelings associated with it.
The point of venting is to just let all the emotions out at once. The idea is to feel it and tell someone who can validate it and in a way it makes it better, I guess.
I have watched this video 3 times today. It sounds ridiculous because I so clearly have a fear of intimacy but I've never had this explained to me. I've always just been "that" aloof girlfriend and then that chronically single girl with pretty shallow friendships. As an adult I've always had the hardest time getting past the shallow, small talk, friendships and relationships. I always keep people at arms length. Thank you so much for this video. Though the thought of working on it is causing a bit of anxiety.
I am SO glad you found this video and it's helpful. Yes, the thought of working on it can feel overwhelming.. but just know that you only have to move as quickly as you feel ready to :) xoxo
Expectations are an illusion. Every partnership goes through a period of shattering expectations. They might think, "The person I'm dating is not who I thought they were!", and that is because people tend to create an romantic, perfect version of what they want and then try and find the person who fits that the best. You are not an illusion. You are you, and that is much better than a fantasy that someone can make up. I think that if you go into it saying, "this is what I am." and love yourself, your person will appreciate you for who you are.
I always struggle with the idea of people with this fear who actually manage to get into relationships. I'm not trying to invalidate them, I just don't understand it. I have a deep fear of both emotional and physical intimacy. I have no idea where it came from, I have never suffered from abuse (I know you explained your thoughts on the emotional side in this video but it doesn't seem to explain the physical). I've pushed away all but one of my friends. I've only ever been on one date (which ended badly because I freaked the heck out) and I can't imagine myself in either a romantic or physical relationship. It's something I want in theory but I am so incredibly closed off that the reality petrifies me. It makes me feel worse to hear about people with this same fear, worrying about how they can make their relationship work, when I can only wonder how they got there in the first place. It seems to confirm the messed up idea in my head that I'm somehow intrinsically undesirable or broken.
I feel the exact same way, I always dream about a relationship, but when someone shows any interest in me, I freak out and mess up everything. I had a wonderful childhood so I don't have that kind of problems, I just don't know where the fear came from...
Yes, exactly. What if somebody had a great childhood with no history of abuse, neither emotional or physical? As long as I keep people away I feel good but when somebody is attracted to me I do everything to push him away... :(
It's like you've read my mind and wrote it down... I know that there's nothing that I want as bad as a close and intimate romantic relationship, yet there's hardly anything that terrifies me more than that. Even hearing/reading those words (intimacy, security, trust) makes me uncomfortable
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.. and just like anything, everyone's experience is going to be different. There are also different levels of this fear.. some are completely debilitating in regard to relationships and others only come out when the relationship begins to get serious. If you can, I would talk to a therapist about this. It could be fear of intimacy and attachment issues or it could be asexuality. There are many reasons you could struggle with this.. and I think speaking to a professional about it could help :) xoxo
I hate being touched. Period. I hate it. I don't mind minor friendly physical touch. I just want to be left alone. I never want kids of my own. Adopting feels right. There are so many kids who need homes.....
I feel totally the same. I can't imagine myself being married or even in a relationship. I don't like the touches that are unexpected, like completely unasked for light touches any where on my body. Exception to this is family and my best friend. But even in those situations sometimes I get an awkward feeling but I kind of got through with it.
I'm sorry but being touched is a normal part of the human experience. What is happening to you is as a result of something that happened from years aback in your life and cemented itself in your character. Therefore I will say this with ALL due respect. Children need love and affection like plants need water and sunlight. Pllleeeeeaaaase do not adopt any children with this mindset. They will crave that affection which you are not equipped to give and this will only lead to them being resentful and broken adults. So no.
For me it's really physical too. Like, if you try to touch me, even if it's like a hug or handshake, I panic. I also have trouble getting emotionally involved.
So true sis like makes me feel like dying on the spot I have gastric problems because of genophobia feel like every person is a devil around me😈😈 But they are not I know it deep inside just can't cope my anxiety 🏋️🏋️🏋️🏋️🏋️
I agree that the fear of intimacy often comes for insecure attachment and people don't even realize that they may struggle with it. Helping loved ones in your life feel safe is so important. Thanks for sharing!
Soo, I was at a bar with some friends and we had a blast! And then I met this guy and he was so cute and sweet and we really hit it off, but as soon as my friends went away to dance or something I sat there alone with him, and I was sooo awkward not knowing what to do. He did not push me or anything, and I really liked him, but I was soooo scared.. and I don’t know why, I just am - every time I meet someone. And I don’t know what to do.. and I am not traumatized by anything and I don’t know what keeps triggering my “anxiety” . And I really want a relationship and all that, but I am sooo scared , but I don’t know whyyyy. Help
You have just described my problem too. And I am sorry you feel this way, because I know it sucks :( the worst is when you can't find the cause... But I wish you all the best, and that you find yourself a solution
I can confidently talk with any friend of the opposite sex however when it's someone I'm interested in romantically, I suddenly dont know how to handle it emotionally.
ya i am hyper aware too but when i like someone intensely and they start to like me back my brain shut off completely,no words come out of my mouth ,nothing i will be feeling nothing at the time
"The fear of intimacy comes from a lack of secure attachment " Me,with divorced parents and lack of any parental love since a toddler:Oh well I have a date in a day wish me luck guys im trying my best to not run away
@Lucía It really messes up your love life as you grow up .. As to my date, it was a failure and surprisingly it was not my fault XD But it was definitely a learning experience and helped me to be a bit more comfortable by facing my fear xd
Yeah, I always feel he'll leave me once a better option comes along, so why start a relationship at all? It's a flawed mindset, but I can't get rid of it.
Thank you so much for this. I have a significant problem with intimacy. I thought I was normal for years. Until I got depressed and I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I couldn't accept it, so I tried to deny it by acting against it. I ended up getting a job and pushing to make friends. As I did, I realized just how bad my mental disorder actually is. My anxiety went through the roof, I became more sensitive, and I was paranoid that everyone I opened up to was going to hurt me. Now its undeniable that I have a severe fear of intimacy associated with AvPD. So, I am grateful for this. It really helps to put things in perspective as well as better options to address it. Once again, thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with this!!! This will help so many other people. xoxo I am glad that you found this helpful and gave you some other options to help :) xoxo
I always say I'm 'fine' because I don't know how to put how I'm feeling into words, I'm not sure I even know how I'm feeling or I just don't have any, is this normal?
Practice does make better; I struggled with being okay with feeling vulnerable for years. It's finally becoming less of an uphill climb. This is illuminating and informative. Thanks Kati!
This is exactly what I'm going through. I just had an epiphany about this a couple hours ago and had a good cry session. I never realized how much I refuse to let myself get close to people, and how often I sabatoge relationships. And after hearing you talk about the possible causes, I think its because my mom was really inconsistent with her care for me. Constantly pawning me off to my grandparents, rarely getting to spend the day with her like I wanted to. And early experiences of my phisical affection being shamed ie. "you're too old to hold my hand". I cant believe how long that stuff has stuck with me. It's crazy that we're such fragile beings that little moments like that can shape the trajectory of our entire lives if we let it.
ive always considered myself to have a fear of intimacy, yet I didn't feel like these tips were relevant to my issue so perhaps I'm experiencing something else. I consider myself to have many appealing traits that would make me desirable, it's taken me some time but I feel like I'm made huge improvements in my self esteem so I do not consider that to be a large issue. however I fear of establishing a close connection with someone I may be attracted to. I have never experienced love, relationships, dating or sex in any form really. I am comfortable with platonic and professional relationships, but I am unable to reciprocate any amount of interest or attraction for someone who is making it very clear they're interested in me. I have been told by my therapist to find someone I can express the desire to slowly start a relationship, but even that seems as a daunting task. I really don't know how to overcome this.
Simon, how do you find that someone? I think some therapists miss that point. I took advantage of on line services like AOL when it was popular and found a few women. It was like talking on line wasn't real, and then when we met it was like someone already said you two go have sex. It was much easier for me that way. Now that AOL has fizzled out, I tried Eharmony, it did work, but not as well as you still have to open up in person.
Same. I just can't bring myself to do it. Anytime I'm attracted to someone and they're available I get anxiety. Not excitement, but gut-wrenching, over-thinking, sweaty, shaky state. I'm a mess. It's a miracle that I even lost my virginity in a first place.
Yup yup same. I uninstalled the game I liked because was afraid of some of my teammates starting to like me. And when one of them told me that he did, I felt happy, but I also felt extremely uncomfortable and have ignored his words at first, but later on decided to delete the game.
Simon Pennington Maybe you view romantic relationships as much more risky. And you’re avoiding that to protect yourself. Which isn’t completely a bad thing. At the same time it does get in the way of functioning in society
Like when I’m about to kiss someone my brain just screams DANGER HELP and so I always reject the person and it’s really annoying because I want to kiss the person but I can’t
idk what to do because i have a huge fear of intimacy but my parents have always been super caring and there for me :( and every video says the same thing
this was written a year ago but girl i can relate! i have great loving friends and a wonderfully loving & supportive family but it’s rare for me to feel romantically intimate with guys while being comfortable and not insanely anxious. you’re not alone! ❤️
I felt so understood. A lot of discussion online would talk about the fear of intimacy comes from your chilhood abandonment, parents not giving enough attention, they treated us very poorly. And I have a beautiful childhood. It's my first time hearing that overly protective and smothering parent could have caused my fear. All the while people would say they're afraid of how they're afraid of getting hurt. I am not. I am afraid of hurting someone else, im afraid to be a burden to people, Im afraid to upset them. I'm tired of being misunderstood so I just stopped seing people all together.
I just wanted to also add that I feel like some people with the fear of intimacy who had a smothering parent may feel like someone who does not smother us does not love us. And therefore we withdraw. Maybe that would not apply but it's just a thought *shrugs *
I'm really confused because you always say if you have a problem with emotion of intimacy it's probably because you never got that as a child. But I always was hugged as a child, but I think my problem is that my mom talked about the good stuff but when it came to the bad stuff she just never brought it up. Even when something sad would happen, she wouldn't cry. I believe that's why I could never speak out about my suffering and why I find it hard to open up to people. Make any sense ?
That makes total sense. As a kid we learn how to respond to certain things from our parents. Since your mom didn't express emotion, or talk about sad/bad things it's natural to assume that you yourself would adopt this behavior as your own. Of course, there could be other reasons, but this is definitely one of the reasons. *Some people eventually grow out of learned behaviors, so with effort and patience, it's possible for you to one day be able to open up to people.
This is literally my exact situation. I’m speechless reading this. Because I couldn’t figure out why I have intimacy issues but had love as a child and now I broke the case because this is literally what happened
THANK YOU for saying fear of intimacy can arise in work relationships. Thank you thank you thank you. I have been dealing with a work related relationship phobia over the last couple of weeks and I really needed someone to just say that. I am leaving my work place soon and transitioning from being professional co-workers to really good friends(outside of work) with a couple of co-workers. My brain is really overwhelmed at the moment and I really needed to hear that vocalized. Thank you so much
What you said at the beginning of this video really related to me. All of my life, whenever I got sad or mad (unless I was physically hurt), my mother would say word-for-word, "You have no right to feel this way!" She would get so mad and I've questioned my feelings so long. Not only that but I've had multiple 'dads' leave. It's been frustrating, even more now that I'm a hormonal (more emotional) teen. But this video explains why I can't hug/be hugged by anyone or be touched. Now I can deal better. Thank you.
ah ok i see! i think they are often so closely linked though especially in a romantic relationship as its really important for the trust to be there for any kind of intimacy to take place
I can definitely talk more about this.. I do talk about it some in my sexual abuse video.. but working through the trauma is important as well as having a partner who is understanding and empathic. xoxo
Wow! This was super helpful. From a mans perspective it can be hard especially for us to be vulnerable. I spoke to my girlfriend of 7 months about this and she was super supportive. I love her dearly. Hearing your perspective was another added relief, thank you.
I was wondering about something. I feel sometimes when I talk to a mental health professional or watching a video like this one, the person I'm listening to focuses overwhelmingly or solely on how to get 'better' in one way or another without talking about WHY getting better is something that I could benefit from, making it feel like just a chore, or like it's just something I *should* do so I can become what I'm *supposed to be*, like I'm aiming to conform to some norm. I think most of the time that's not what they're thinking a lot of the time though, so I think maybe it would be good to be clear when you're trying to motivate someone to do something to explain WHY it's a good idea for that person to do that.
the fact of getting better is not a lifetime signature, it's more of a state of mind, each one of us is prompt to adversity in life, so in such situations the difference between someone who knows whats happening, aware of his own emotions and optimistic about finding a solution, and someone warped with ignorance caused by fear and trauma. the difference is the first one has more skills and can express his feelings and thoughts with a more rich vocabulary and body language patterns! so the purpose of meeting with a mental state professional is to talk and learn about new skills based on extensive studies in the field of human psychology. You can also learn new skills by reading books, and watching movies (romance, drama, comedy...) in a untraditional way and by that i mean you need to focus on how the actors express their emotions by facial expressions and tone of voice... but stay away from thrillers and action movies. I personally went to a therapist but the process was very slow for me so i droped out and went to self help books and video programs, plus i read a lot about successful people, it did helped me a lot! my motto is "the more you learn the more you earn". hope that i helped you and i wish you all the best. tc :)
I can definitely start adding that into my videos.. I think the reason behind WHY it is a good idea for you to get better is if it's bothering you and you don't like how you feel as a result of it. That would be the whole reason you would look into therapy or self-help in general.. and that's usually the WHY behind why I have my clients do homework, etc :) xoxo
Okay, thanks for answering, I just like things clear. :) xo Another problem is I don't feel like I know whether anything in particular bothers me or not. Usually I just feel nothing at all, like you explained in this video. It's been like that since I was about 8, I just felt that I couldn't really handle life anymore and kind of stopped trying. I can think logically that that is likely to be standing in my way. *shrug*
Arabella Mlems dont you. think that its obvious why we need to feel good and be better. Being good has nothing to do in my opionion to conforming to the norm. Because the norm is to be feeling and doing good.
best quote to sum it up for me... Dexter Morgan : "They make it look so easy. Connecting with another human being. It's like no one told them it's the hardest thing in the world." :(
I am grateful for the resources that are available now. 30 years ago when I was a teenager and acting out as a cry for help, I was thrown into therapy for my mental health. I can pin point the moment of my demise. I focus on the solution and do my homework. It is a daily practice of journaling, and connecting with support network. THere are alot more resources now than in the 1990s that are intense and if we actually do the homework, our neuroplasticity can be manipulated for success. Thank U for this and all of your videos.
I don't think I'm understanding Kati, but I would really love to know more because I suffer with this. I'm 25 and never even had a boyfriend, I don't hug my friends or family because i feel so closterphobic about it and I get overwhelmed. So why do I feel like everything you said in this video didn't apply to me? I know you know what you're talking about but this felt off in my situation.
ASD is no longer an official diagnosis; it is simply considered within the autism spectrum, therefore you must be diagnosed with autism officially. Of course, Jez hasn't said nearly enough to be assumed on the spectrum. I recently turned 25, have never had a boyfriend though guys have tried, I feel uncomfortable when alone with men, and I don't like much touching from anyone. You aren't alone in that boat!
Exactly! Intimacy is very uncomfortable to me, especially the romantic one although I find it hard to open and fully trust people in platonic relationships. Friends at least don't give me crippling anxiety
Jezahlie I don’t think you have a learning disability that effect your interactions. It might be environmental circumstances that were beyond your control. Besides the DSM loves to change learning disability definitions, to the point that a lot of psychologists are divided on their views.
I have no idea if you can read this but every time I listen to it video my tears just cover my eyes and had to pause the video! You helped me to understand so about myself and why I feel the way I do. Thank you.
thank you so so much Kati!! Your videos are amazing and always remind me that I'm not the only one. I recently have gotten into a relationship. I've always been terrified of intimacy or any kind of physical contact with a man. But thankfully he understands that and is very patient. I've finally been able to cuddle with him on the sofa. If I'm too anxious he plonks his cat or dog into my lap (he knows it helps my anxiety) and just leaves his hand out for when I've calmed down ☺ I'm very very lucky. Given that this is a huge step for me I've highlighted that there may be a possibility of never being...physical. But he's ok with that. yay!!
I have this fear hard-core because my parents Gaslight me for all my emotions. But I'm actually usually really good at reading other people's emotions in person at least. My main struggle is I can't physically be too close to most people. And I get really anxious and upset any time I'm in a romantic relationship.
In the fourth year of my sixteen year marriage, my wife told me to stop touching her. It made me feel rejected and like I was a pervert for wanting to be intimate with her. We’re divorced now and unfortunately that feeling of not being wanted has seriously affected my dating life.
wow this made so much sense to me! Growing up whenever I'd get sick or get hurt my mom would be mad at me. I was in the hospital for a week once because of an infection that could've been treated but she always thought I wasn't being serious. I never thought that type of neglect could influence my problems with intimacy... Always learning something with Kati!
I see so many beautiful souls in the comments who are on their path to healing. I hope all of you guys find the healing and partnership that you are looking for! Sometimes being with the right person can be a healing experience in itself if you allow it to happen. Yes, it gets uncomfortable and our thoughts can keep us frozen (hey! I'm here cuz I have issues too haha), but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try! Love and pain are two sides of the same coin and it is all worth it for the experiences, learning, and love.
When I’ve spent some good quality time with someone, whether It’s a family member or a friend, I get scared of being rejected. It’s like something always says: ,,When are they gonna stop loving me?’’, or: ,,When are they gonna leave?’’. It’s so deeply stuck in me, that I even noticed it with my cat...
@QualityRock Productions Well, I think the signals are the thing that always scares me. When I see that someone is happy with who I am, I feel very under pressure to keep them stay. What could this be and how can I overcome it? Thanks for your help!
I am ready to work on it and open up. I have realised that people closest to me have fear of intimacy, they aren't ready for me. They are afraid to speak to me about our feelings.
I have trouble with intimacy, I avoid people, and spend a lot of time escaping into games... I have trouble knowing how "I feel" when people ask me, I can't really articulate what I am experiencing.
Incredible work Kati, the way you communicate and deliver your knowledge is so heartfelt and sincere. A perfectly timed video (for me personally. I'm excelling in the art of a special kinda special today 😉) Thank you. Ex's and Oh's..........
Then why are you here? This is for those of us who want to get better, not here because we want to put others down. I've seen your other (nasty) comments that have been deleted, this is a strong community and with not much room for trolls, what with us all being stigmatised so horribly and traumatically. I'm sure there are plenty of videos and pages elsewhere that would interest you,maybe you took a wrong turn. All the best.
I'm sure any traumatic event can affect us severely. Without any intent to disregard to anyone's problems, it's hard for me personally to understand how an adult who knows what normal is could ever relate to 3,5 or 9 year old me being beaten naked in front of his friends on a regular basis because I expressed a feeling. I didn't even know that was abnormal, it was just how life worked to me. It wasn't until I got to high school I realized my parents were incredibly screwed up people. Of course today I can't start or hold on to a relationship for anything, and I freak out internally as if I'm going to the electric chair anytime a boss calls me in for a discussion. Unfortunately I do very well and appearing normal. I guess when you grow up the way I did, you learn to hide your issues very well.
Gregory Peterson it can be quite frustrating to be someone who is high functioning because it almost seems as though no one really believes that you struggle on a daily, hourly basis. like yeah i get up early and perform well at my job every day but my mind is racing the entire time, trying its best to convince me that everyone hates me and i should kill myself. similar to what you said, i also feel scrambled and terrified when i get any inkling that i may be in trouble or have upset someone. i’m really sorry about your experience, and i hope you’re able to get the support and help you need.
Thank you for your openness and honesty. There are many traumas, also many slaps from the mother, at least 50 pieces and other things. But violence was not the worst thing - it is above all the effects in partnerships with women. It hurts me so much to see hugs and caresses. I miss them so much. The other day I saw a woman put her head on a friend's shoulder. This gesture radiated such great tenderness and trust that a stabbing pain shot into my heart. I had to leave the room to press my hands on my aching chest and cry. Such things have been happening for a long time. A few weeks later I had a heart attack and pulmonary embolism. Broken heart symptom. Probably this was the late consequence of incubator when I was a baby and that I sometimes had to go to a home as a child. I have now started with Tantra breathing. When I tell women that I want a year without sex first, but with lots of tenderness, they don't understand. When will I find a tender girl friend? The longing for hugging is so great, but also the fear of pain to lose the beloved person again.
So what if you already are very good with knowing your and other peoples emotions, but you're scared to talk about things with people, and get close to people. Like I don't feel like people really care about my emotions. Or what to listen to my side of things. So how do I get the courage to talk about stuff with these people.
Fear of intimacy in me sabotaged the best, most genuine relationship i've ever had. I'm happy that i know what this faceless thing was, and want to get better.
I've recognized all of the symptoms of avoidant attachment throughout my adult life, but I never understood it because both of my parents were major hoverers. I never wanted for anything, but I was constantly worried about bothering or disappointing them. This explanation has made my life make sense!
After watching this I might not have a fear of intimacy, but idk what’s going on because I’ve never been in a relationship and tend to push or freeze people out of my life? Idk why, all I know is that I’m scared and feel safe being alone
I have this because of my adoption and I'm working on it in therapy. I hate working on it cause it is really really hard. I hate showing any sign of emotion, but I acknowledge it needs to be dealt with. So thank you Kati for putting this up!!
My friends are very forceful with finding and getting me a boyfriend, they both know that I was raped a month after I turned 16. I have a fear of intimacy and it's like they don't recognise what I go though everyday just to live my life.
I will absolutely never allow myself to take the risk again. He knows my feelings. He knows my thoughts and emotions. I’m perfectly calm. It’s been 8 years. I will NEVER anything with anyone ever again
I’ve Always struggled with this, ( without knowing it until recently) and now I understand why.I also struggle with sosial anxiety. My best friend watch a lot of your videos and recommended this to me. I’m so happy she showed it to me, and this helps me so much. Thank you❤️
I so appreciate your work, Katie! Your descriptions are so non-shaming. The fear-shame cycle is such a common dynamic for couples who both have unhealed attachment trauma/fear of intimacy. As you suggest, connecting with parts of self then with safe others really helps!
My mother abandoned me when I was five and the first and only woman I fell in love with dumped me. Could this cause me from pursuing a woman that I would actually want to love? Fear of being abandoned? Fear of Intimacy?
I freak out every time I get close to a girl. Every single time. And I'm 36 and just pushed away another great girl very recently. I'm so sick of myself that I don't even see the point of my existence. All I do is winding up hurting myself and others.
Tony Vega it's okay. I know how u feel and so do others, u aren't alone. just be patient and care for urself. don't play with other people's emotions but don't push yourself onto people if you aren't ready or comfortable. you'll find the one someday, and you will have happiness! have you visited the gp/Doctor?
I'm here again. Hey, Kati, I like your shows! I mean your tutorials! I'm a 24 years old Chinese guy, living in southern China. I had my first kiss with a girl last two weeks（No any experiences before!) An accident, she and I believe. It still confuses and me are distracts me from my work, trying to forget about that …… I realize how vulnerable I'm and how hard to change that. I always tell myself (find excuses): if I was a fighter(professional athlete, etc.), I would not have that much confusions, but only have training and fighting. I was a marathon runner, and still a sports lover. Struggling for a meaningful Like, or let's say make a little change.
I have never experienced a relationship or intimacy, I’m 15 my friends are always on me about getting a boyfriend but once we get close I push them away. I’m not sure why, I’ve been that way my whole life I have a hard time forming relationships with people
I had NO idea that the fear of intimacy was a thing, but the way you explained it sounded just like how I’m feeling. I don’t want to go ahead and just say, yes I probably have the fear of intimacy, but it’s sure a really close match up, if that’s how you word it. And my parents were always extremely overprotective, and they still are, and you explained that parents acting extremely over protective over a young child could be the cause of this.. so now I want to look more into this. Many people have had feelings for me, but once I find out, I freak out. I try to stay as far away from the person as possible, I try not to talk about the person with anyone. And I’m nervous about the way I act because it can ruin a LOT of relationships, so I’m definitely going to look more into this topic. Thanks ❤️✌🏽
Your comment at the beginning caught my attention, about living with someone who has fear of intimacy - which I think happens WAY more than people admit - and those people need help desperately, but as regards your description of how fear of intimacy comes about, you omitted the reality and the "elephant in the room" that many babies and young children are physically attacked if they do what babies normally and naturally do, for simply crying to express a need. Genuine fear of intimacy comes from severe trauma, and I'm pretty sure because of having many people from every background confide in me over many years, that a LOT of people have been seriously traumatized as children.
Mary Ann Lightly same. I can’t even like a guy. I’ll like someone and then they will start liking me and I get so uncomfortable. I think it’s because I’m relatinships, I can only control my end and so some of my happiness is in the other person’s hands. Like I can’t control what they do and I feel like I’ll never trust anyone enough so why try
I'm 54 and probable undiagnosed Aspergers (31 on AQ test). I had a childhood friend that I hung around for a year and a half (when I was 4-6), and went over one day and she came to the door and said "I don't like you anymore, I like Dennis now" and she never spoke to me again. I spent the next 15 years listening to my parents fight, and nothing I ever did was good enough for my father. I hope this will help me out. Thanks for the videos and information Kati!
Honestly its always just been me with my own body, very private. I almost have a heart attack if a guy i like holds my hand! I stutter around him i get soo nervous and i get awkward! And so i cant imagine having sex and opening myself that intensely to someone! It freaks me out😞 And i feel like theres something wrong with me!
This is me to a T. I just started therapy with a trauma specialist a month ago. I've had a lot of loss. I described my childhood as a happy one for the most part but my therapist is helping me see that as a kid some things my parents did affect me now. I still love my parents very much but things affect us. I know this therapist will help me, you should consider reaching out to one too : )
Omfg. Goddd i am so thankful that people like me exist and that this is an actual fear that you can overcome, i genuinely thought something was wrong with me for YEARS. I long for someone to like me, but when it actually happens the fear and anxiety just consumes me. I remember having anxiety attacks and crying into my pillow so hard when i was 10 because a boy told me he liked me, and i didnt understand what i was feeling and why, but one thing i knew was that i was afraid. But i didnt understand why i was afraid, if everyone else feels happy when someone likes them. I thought i was the only one in the whole wide world like this. I thought something was wrong with me. I just wish i could go back and tell my 10 year old self that its okay to be like that. Thank you so much for making this video and explaining everything.
What has really helped me was getting my body moving and challenging it in any way I would feel scared of but rationally thought that I shouldn't (that was the beginning) and then after I got a great momentum off of that first step I got myself to finally face my greatest fear, getting through these stages made it hella lot easier to cope with myself and others. It was the best beginning I could ve hoped for.
I have an anxious avoidant attachment style, I was also raised by a narcissist who ruined the family dynamic before I was even adopted. I know I can’t cure what I have and I hope that I can get at least some relief from it. I’d hate to miss out on the potential of a healthy relationship. I’d love to start a family with someone who works well with me. No matter if my possible partner and I adopted kids and or pets.
whenever i have a crush on someone i’m like super excited and i’ll do anything i can to make them like me, but then when they start showing interest in me i get uncomfortable. wtf😔
Same, I feel like I'm leading them on and hurting them but I don't mean to
Sara k same!! it sucks
Same 🥺
Yeah me too but does anyone have the cure to this or is this still and unsolved mystery?
I struggle with this too in some kind of extent like if they like me back I would sabotage it, and most of the time be very off putting to make them dislike me because I don’t believe they actually like me. It’s extremely toxic. And this year I realize I am doing this. After so long..but it correlates with my fucked up attachment style
I'm just scared that anyone who likes me is trying to manipulate or trick me into something..... It's not a good way of thinking, but it's how it it.
Aspen sounds like you’re used to that happening to you?
I feel the same
Im sure u r not used to getting tricked.. Buh i feel the same n i dun knw why.. :(
Me too. I really don't care rejection but instead that someone wants to tricked me.
I feel exactly the same! Even though I've never actually experienced something like that, I have this constant fear. it's really weird....
I've never been able to be intimate emotionally or physically with someone without feeling very uncomfortable. It's terrifying to me.
Same
croissant Strange words for a croissant. You’re beautiful tho
Me too... i don't know why
It's so bad.
Yes I have the same problem, all my life. Terrifying is the right word
I can't imagine myself in a relationship or marrying someone. I have this fear where someone can never love me for my body and my personality..........
Omg sameee. I also worry about myself not being able to truly fall in love with someone
Me too
You are loveable and you are valued. I mean it:)
Same 😔
Eliana R You are beautiful! You have to love your self first. And remember you are enough. ❤️
i want to form relationship..but when its getting close,i freaked out..so i shut them out..like, saying 'Hi!thats it, bye'..i dont want it as much as i want it..
not AN angel fear of getting hurt?
Jenny Colosi yeah..and more like hating the feeling of knowing that everyone and everything will be leaving some day..
same here
EXACTLY HOW I FEEL, hit me up? Insta- amer.icus
Yeahhh
How about the fear of starting because you're already thinking about the pain of ending before it even begun?
Oh yeah, what a treat that is... Not.
That's how I am with relationships!
That’s how I view making new friends too. It sucks.
I was neglected/abused by my family. They died when i was just 11. Older bro left me for a life of crime/drugs. I was a black sheep in my family, I overcame most of my troubles with education, groups and medications but the mems are always there and will always be there tho w little effect today.
@@haleloi3018 The fact that you can acknowledge your trauma and memories while confidently stating that they can't hurt you anymore is so amazing to me. Well done to you, I hope you are really proud of yourself.
What about the fear of physical intimacy
Probably has a similar or same cause. Intimacy is intimacy after all. But for some people it may be specifically sexual intimacy they have a problem with because of sexual abuse.
Kathryn94 I see, but mine isn't because of sexual abuse, but because I have had trauma with the opposite gender. I'm not straight, but it really inhibits my perspective on men.
Mako Yuhara I can love someone but I'm too afraid and uncomfortable to be physical I don't understand why
Here comes The sun wow this is me, i get extremely uncomfortable....
Mako Yuhara i feel this, like when people touch me or anything i just feel uncomfortable but i usually don't mention it unless they won't stop bc idk i guess i don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or that i don't like them. idk but i've never liked people touching me
My mom was overbearing and a would ignore certain issues as a teen. And my dad just completely ignored me. So, I struggle with this SO MUCH! Having emotions is such a difficult thing for me.
Nymphetamine
Had the same experience
Excellent Video! Apologies for chiming in, I would appreciate your opinion. Have you ever tried - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (Have a quick look on google cant remember the place now)? It is an awesome one off guide for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger minus the hard work. Ive heard some great things about it and my work buddy at last got cool success with it.
Kudos for the Video clip! Forgive me for the intrusion, I am interested in your thoughts. Have you thought about - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (probably on Google)? It is a great exclusive product for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger without the headache. Ive heard some great things about it and my friend Sam after a lifetime of fighting got excellent results with it.
Almost like me...
I am exactly the same
Also, the reason why I can't open up is because my anxiety always tells me I'm the only one and nobody understands. I always cancel dates or stop talking to them because I tell myself they'll never understand about my scars and unless I get them covered up, I'm worried I'll never give anyone the chance.
Why are u me
I truly understand you it’s wired how we fill like it only happens to us
You have to read the four agreements, and the Mastery of Love, by Don M.Ruiz, and Eckhart Tolle's audio book, THE power of now, good luck.
@@zalona0775 and why are YOU me? lol
Same. I have the same issue.
This is so me it makes me want to cry.
Anon I feel you!
Same
me too :(
Literally, it’s like painful
We are not alone.❤
I honesty have no concept of love or intimacy. Nobody in my life has ever showed me affection.
Have you made progress?
Same jack same
Me too. I come off as standoffish and probably look disinterested. Might be defense mechanisms. I have lots of walls :(
Jack Obrein Me too😔not even my parents, alcohol is more important to them and all they gave me was something to do with violence... They haven't even said that they love me and i feel really worthless. Also after being badly bullied for years made me have even deeper scars and i started to have suicidal thoughts. I'm trying to become more self-aware because i wanna live, killing myself isn't an option. I'm still fighting and it's hard cuz i feel emotionally and physically drained and powerless.. and i feel like i can't feel anything anymore, everything is just blank... and i'm afraid of people getting closer to me physically and emotionally. I don't really know what to do, but i'm trying my best. When i have opened up to my parents they put me down and say horrible things to me, maybe that's the reason i don't open up easily. I know i need help but i don't know what to do and how to act.. i'm just afraid.
And there is nothing wrong with that. People need to understand people want different things. I’m glad you shared your story, that takes a lot of bravery. If you need help there are people you can talk too to get help. There is not anything wrong with help. Hope you fare well. Surround yourself with people who are good. Family isn’t blood. Family is people who love you.
In my head, having someone flirt with me or try to engage in a romantic way with me just stresses me out so much, the only solution is to shut them out. I had this girl who was texting me because she wanted to get to know me better. Every time I'd hear the ring tone I'd start panicking and get massive anxiety. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't think. If being with someone makes me feel like that my whole life, I'd rather be alone. I just told her I wasn't into her and that was the only way I could get back into a normal mindset.
Seek help my dude. This "normal mindset" is what is known as a comfort zone. Going for a new job, a first date, buying a house or other unusual experience often brings on anxiety, or fear of the unknown/future. We are social creatures by nature, you cannot undo your DNA. Our definition of life is based around intimacy.
Believe me I know, its fucking hard. Far easier to spend years on the internet or in own heads than to spend 30 minutes with someone else. But, in order to feel true love and happiness you have to roll the dice with someone and leave yourself completely vulnerable. Just remember they're doing the exact same thing, they want the same goal and play by the same rules.
Goodluck my friend, god knows we all need it.
fieryelf I can relate so much to this comment. Don’t worry we will get better and feel worthy and comfortable to be in a healthy relationship!!
thank you for putting my very confusing and all-consuming thoughts into words
This is literally me, but I get further and further in a relationship before t hits. Now I am moving in together but it came back. I scheduled a therapy session finally. I think that's the best we can do, not sure if we can figure this one out ourselves. This attachment thing is also connected with a lot of childhood trauma's related to attachment
This is exactly how I feel... there is a man that really likes me, but I can't like him at all.. When I receive a message from him asking me to go out, I can't feel my limbs from stress... but I know he is for sure the best guy i might find in my life, he just isn't pretty.. but i just CAN'T! and i don't know what to do, but I don't want to stop this relationship too, because it isn't the first time I've felt like this.. I want to stop this, to get into the relationship with that person properly (so what if he isn't pretty? Everything else about him is wonderful and I know it is..) and I'm trying to force myself to continue it, but it's too hard.. it's like I'm pushing myself against the wall, trying to go through it
This wasn‘t in your recommended. You searched this up. We‘ll overcome this together💪
This is so sweet wth🥹💖 let’s gooo!!💪😆
When something upsetting or stressful happens, I find it extremely exhausting to talk about. It's so much easier to keep it to myself until my irritability becomes obvious and everyone is wondering what's wrong... Then I'm annoyed even more. Sometimes bringing up a stressful situation brings back all the feelings associated with it.
The point of venting is to just let all the emotions out at once. The idea is to feel it and tell someone who can validate it and in a way it makes it better, I guess.
I have watched this video 3 times today. It sounds ridiculous because I so clearly have a fear of intimacy but I've never had this explained to me. I've always just been "that" aloof girlfriend and then that chronically single girl with pretty shallow friendships. As an adult I've always had the hardest time getting past the shallow, small talk, friendships and relationships. I always keep people at arms length.
Thank you so much for this video. Though the thought of working on it is causing a bit of anxiety.
I am SO glad you found this video and it's helpful. Yes, the thought of working on it can feel overwhelming.. but just know that you only have to move as quickly as you feel ready to :) xoxo
I'm the same. It's weirdly comforting to find that there are so many people with the same issue.
I always felt like I am the only one that feels like this. Soooo glad to know I'm not alone.
Erica Mullis It’s like you read my mind. I’m going through the saaaame thing.
That's me.
I fear not living up to the persons expectation so isolate and detach.
Same!
I relate to this %200
Exactly the same!
Expectations are an illusion. Every partnership goes through a period of shattering expectations. They might think, "The person I'm dating is not who I thought they were!", and that is because people tend to create an romantic, perfect version of what they want and then try and find the person who fits that the best. You are not an illusion. You are you, and that is much better than a fantasy that someone can make up. I think that if you go into it saying, "this is what I am." and love yourself, your person will appreciate you for who you are.
I always struggle with the idea of people with this fear who actually manage to get into relationships. I'm not trying to invalidate them, I just don't understand it. I have a deep fear of both emotional and physical intimacy. I have no idea where it came from, I have never suffered from abuse (I know you explained your thoughts on the emotional side in this video but it doesn't seem to explain the physical). I've pushed away all but one of my friends. I've only ever been on one date (which ended badly because I freaked the heck out) and I can't imagine myself in either a romantic or physical relationship. It's something I want in theory but I am so incredibly closed off that the reality petrifies me. It makes me feel worse to hear about people with this same fear, worrying about how they can make their relationship work, when I can only wonder how they got there in the first place. It seems to confirm the messed up idea in my head that I'm somehow intrinsically undesirable or broken.
I totally agree...much as I'd like to change there's nothing I can do...
I feel the exact same way, I always dream about a relationship, but when someone shows any interest in me, I freak out and mess up everything. I had a wonderful childhood so I don't have that kind of problems, I just don't know where the fear came from...
Yes, exactly. What if somebody had a great childhood with no history of abuse, neither emotional or physical? As long as I keep people away I feel good but when somebody is attracted to me I do everything to push him away... :(
It's like you've read my mind and wrote it down... I know that there's nothing that I want as bad as a close and intimate romantic relationship, yet there's hardly anything that terrifies me more than that. Even hearing/reading those words (intimacy, security, trust) makes me uncomfortable
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.. and just like anything, everyone's experience is going to be different. There are also different levels of this fear.. some are completely debilitating in regard to relationships and others only come out when the relationship begins to get serious. If you can, I would talk to a therapist about this. It could be fear of intimacy and attachment issues or it could be asexuality. There are many reasons you could struggle with this.. and I think speaking to a professional about it could help :) xoxo
I hate being touched. Period. I hate it. I don't mind minor friendly physical touch. I just want to be left alone. I never want kids of my own. Adopting feels right. There are so many kids who need homes.....
I feel totally the same. I can't imagine myself being married or even in a relationship. I don't like the touches that are unexpected, like completely unasked for light touches any where on my body. Exception to this is family and my best friend. But even in those situations sometimes I get an awkward feeling but I kind of got through with it.
I'm sorry but being touched is a normal part of the human experience. What is happening to you is as a result of something that happened from years aback in your life and cemented itself in your character. Therefore I will say this with ALL due respect. Children need love and affection like plants need water and sunlight. Pllleeeeeaaaase do not adopt any children with this mindset. They will crave that affection which you are not equipped to give and this will only lead to them being resentful and broken adults. So no.
I used to be more sensitive to touch but I have gotten used to most forms of touch.
Fuck - you’re taking on somebody else’s gene pool which can be horrible as I have witnessed in my school days
i have the same mindset
I’m 33 years old and I literally only realised TODAY that I struggle with intimacy. Wow...is all I have right now.
For me it's really physical too. Like, if you try to touch me, even if it's like a hug or handshake, I panic. I also have trouble getting emotionally involved.
I panic too
So true sis like makes me feel like dying on the spot I have gastric problems because of genophobia feel like every person is a devil around me😈😈 But they are not I know it deep inside just can't cope my anxiety 🏋️🏋️🏋️🏋️🏋️
I agree that the fear of intimacy often comes for insecure attachment and people don't even realize that they may struggle with it. Helping loved ones in your life feel safe is so important. Thanks for sharing!
Of course! I am so glad it was helpful :) xoxo
Soo, I was at a bar with some friends and we had a blast! And then I met this guy and he was so cute and sweet and we really hit it off, but as soon as my friends went away to dance or something I sat there alone with him, and I was sooo awkward not knowing what to do. He did not push me or anything, and I really liked him, but I was soooo scared.. and I don’t know why, I just am - every time I meet someone. And I don’t know what to do.. and I am not traumatized by anything and I don’t know what keeps triggering my “anxiety” . And I really want a relationship and all that, but I am sooo scared , but I don’t know whyyyy. Help
You have just described my problem too. And I am sorry you feel this way, because I know it sucks :( the worst is when you can't find the cause... But I wish you all the best, and that you find yourself a solution
Same with me, I don't know where this anxiety comes from. I wish I could help you (or myself).
Same!!!
u need to act like u dont need him....carry on as normal..
I can confidently talk with any friend of the opposite sex however when it's someone I'm interested in romantically, I suddenly dont know how to handle it emotionally.
X2
Me too. Does anyone have an answer for men like us?
Maybe a video on how to be vulnerable? X
Good idea!
+++
Mm yup
It gives me comfort knowing I am not alone with this. Glad I found your channel.
i dont have a hard time reading other people. I'm hyper aware of what other people are thinking or displaying.
Yes and that gives me anxiety
ya i am hyper aware too but when i like someone intensely and they start to like me back my brain shut off completely,no words come out of my mouth ,nothing i will be feeling nothing at the time
Yea me too
Same
same
"The fear of intimacy comes from a lack of secure attachment "
Me,with divorced parents and lack of any parental love since a toddler:Oh well
I have a date in a day wish me luck guys im trying my best to not run away
xGia x I know this feeling! Stay strong
@Lucía It really messes up your love life as you grow up .. As to my date, it was a failure and surprisingly it was not my fault XD But it was definitely a learning experience and helped me to be a bit more comfortable by facing my fear xd
I get an anxiety attack finding out someone likes me.... but when i like someone, i prefer to like them from afar without them knowing :(
I don't want a relationship because I am sure that the person will hurt me ..
Same. I'm so scared!!
For me I’m scared of hurting them :/
Same. I don’t trust people because of my past
They always do
Yeah, I always feel he'll leave me once a better option comes along, so why start a relationship at all? It's a flawed mindset, but I can't get rid of it.
Thank you so much for this. I have a significant problem with intimacy. I thought I was normal for years. Until I got depressed and I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I couldn't accept it, so I tried to deny it by acting against it. I ended up getting a job and pushing to make friends. As I did, I realized just how bad my mental disorder actually is. My anxiety went through the roof, I became more sensitive, and I was paranoid that everyone I opened up to was going to hurt me. Now its undeniable that I have a severe fear of intimacy associated with AvPD. So, I am grateful for this. It really helps to put things in perspective as well as better options to address it. Once again, thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with this!!! This will help so many other people. xoxo I am glad that you found this helpful and gave you some other options to help :) xoxo
Stephaniebeav h
I always say I'm 'fine' because I don't know how to put how I'm feeling into words, I'm not sure I even know how I'm feeling or I just don't have any, is this normal?
I also struggle with this...
Yes this is very normal!! That's why those feeling sheets and wheels that I linked in the description can help :) xoxo
Im the exact same here buddy
I have HF autism and avoidance personality disorder from childhood neglect. So i suffer from fear of intimacy like crazy.
Michelle lake same here! I can’t physically TALK about my feelings. I struggle so much
Practice does make better; I struggled with being okay with feeling vulnerable for years. It's finally becoming less of an uphill climb. This is illuminating and informative. Thanks Kati!
This is exactly what I'm going through. I just had an epiphany about this a couple hours ago and had a good cry session. I never realized how much I refuse to let myself get close to people, and how often I sabatoge relationships. And after hearing you talk about the possible causes, I think its because my mom was really inconsistent with her care for me. Constantly pawning me off to my grandparents, rarely getting to spend the day with her like I wanted to. And early experiences of my phisical affection being shamed ie. "you're too old to hold my hand". I cant believe how long that stuff has stuck with me. It's crazy that we're such fragile beings that little moments like that can shape the trajectory of our entire lives if we let it.
ive always considered myself to have a fear of intimacy, yet I didn't feel like these tips were relevant to my issue so perhaps I'm experiencing something else. I consider myself to have many appealing traits that would make me desirable, it's taken me some time but I feel like I'm made huge improvements in my self esteem so I do not consider that to be a large issue. however I fear of establishing a close connection with someone I may be attracted to. I have never experienced love, relationships, dating or sex in any form really. I am comfortable with platonic and professional relationships, but I am unable to reciprocate any amount of interest or attraction for someone who is making it very clear they're interested in me. I have been told by my therapist to find someone I can express the desire to slowly start a relationship, but even that seems as a daunting task. I really don't know how to overcome this.
Simon Pennington I feel the same way. You are not alone. I don't know how to overcome this either.
Simon, how do you find that someone? I think some therapists miss that point. I took advantage of on line services like AOL when it was popular and found a few women. It was like talking on line wasn't real, and then when we met it was like someone already said you two go have sex. It was much easier for me that way. Now that AOL has fizzled out, I tried Eharmony, it did work, but not as well as you still have to open up in person.
Same. I just can't bring myself to do it. Anytime I'm attracted to someone and they're available I get anxiety. Not excitement, but gut-wrenching, over-thinking, sweaty, shaky state. I'm a mess. It's a miracle that I even lost my virginity in a first place.
Yup yup same. I uninstalled the game I liked because was afraid of some of my teammates starting to like me. And when one of them told me that he did, I felt happy, but I also felt extremely uncomfortable and have ignored his words at first, but later on decided to delete the game.
Simon Pennington
Maybe you view romantic relationships as much more risky. And you’re avoiding that to protect yourself. Which isn’t completely a bad thing. At the same time it does get in the way of functioning in society
Like when I’m about to kiss someone my brain just screams DANGER HELP and so I always reject the person and it’s really annoying because I want to kiss the person but I can’t
Same here. 😞😞
sameee like i really want to be close with person but i’m so scared.... nervous to do things😔
idk what to do because i have a huge fear of intimacy but my parents have always been super caring and there for me :( and every video says the same thing
this was written a year ago but girl i can relate! i have great loving friends and a wonderfully loving & supportive family but it’s rare for me to feel romantically intimate with guys while being comfortable and not insanely anxious. you’re not alone! ❤️
same tbh, i think it has to do wtih self love and allowing yourself to be vunerable
I felt so understood. A lot of discussion online would talk about the fear of intimacy comes from your chilhood abandonment, parents not giving enough attention, they treated us very poorly. And I have a beautiful childhood. It's my first time hearing that overly protective and smothering parent could have caused my fear. All the while people would say they're afraid of how they're afraid of getting hurt. I am not. I am afraid of hurting someone else, im afraid to be a burden to people, Im afraid to upset them. I'm tired of being misunderstood so I just stopped seing people all together.
Hello I can recommend you to someone that helped me get my ex. Back and he can also help you just as he did mine too 🇺🇸✅✅✅✅
+ 1( 8 1 6 ) ,,,, 3 4 3 ,,,,, 8 3 0 7
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@@hussainamuhammad6508 im not looking to get any exes back thank you
I just wanted to also add that I feel like some people with the fear of intimacy who had a smothering parent may feel like someone who does not smother us does not love us. And therefore we withdraw. Maybe that would not apply but it's just a thought *shrugs *
Esther Carnes yes absolutely I have a bit of that problem, if I’m not smothered i don’t feel loved enough
I'm really confused because you always say if you have a problem with emotion of intimacy it's probably because you never got that as a child. But I always was hugged as a child, but I think my problem is that my mom talked about the good stuff but when it came to the bad stuff she just never brought it up. Even when something sad would happen, she wouldn't cry. I believe that's why I could never speak out about my suffering and why I find it hard to open up to people. Make any sense ?
That makes total sense. As a kid we learn how to respond to certain things from our parents. Since your mom didn't express emotion, or talk about sad/bad things it's natural to assume that you yourself would adopt this behavior as your own. Of course, there could be other reasons, but this is definitely one of the reasons.
*Some people eventually grow out of learned behaviors, so with effort and patience, it's possible for you to one day be able to open up to people.
I had the exact same issue. I was hugged but never saw my parents discuss negative emotions. So I think it taught me to keep things in.
This is literally my exact situation. I’m speechless reading this. Because I couldn’t figure out why I have intimacy issues but had love as a child and now I broke the case because this is literally what happened
THANK YOU for saying fear of intimacy can arise in work relationships. Thank you thank you thank you. I have been dealing with a work related relationship phobia over the last couple of weeks and I really needed someone to just say that. I am leaving my work place soon and transitioning from being professional co-workers to really good friends(outside of work) with a couple of co-workers. My brain is really overwhelmed at the moment and I really needed to hear that vocalized. Thank you so much
What you said at the beginning of this video really related to me. All of my life, whenever I got sad or mad (unless I was physically hurt), my mother would say word-for-word, "You have no right to feel this way!" She would get so mad and I've questioned my feelings so long. Not only that but I've had multiple 'dads' leave. It's been frustrating, even more now that I'm a hormonal (more emotional) teen. But this video explains why I can't hug/be hugged by anyone or be touched. Now I can deal better. Thank you.
Damn I literally started crying in front of this video, it feels like I'm finally understood and it's so strange
how about fear of intimacy after sexual assault or manipulative relationships?
The intimacy that is talked about here is emotional intimacy. Sexual intimacy is different i guess.
ah ok i see! i think they are often so closely linked though especially in a romantic relationship as its really important for the trust to be there for any kind of intimacy to take place
I can definitely talk more about this.. I do talk about it some in my sexual abuse video.. but working through the trauma is important as well as having a partner who is understanding and empathic. xoxo
please do a video on it!!! I'm sure it would help so many people xox
I second the need for a video about this. also, one of the things that helped me is the Power & Control wheel and comparing it to the Equality wheel.
Wow! This was super helpful. From a mans perspective it can be hard especially for us to be vulnerable. I spoke to my girlfriend of 7 months about this and she was super supportive. I love her dearly. Hearing your perspective was another added relief, thank you.
I was wondering about something. I feel sometimes when I talk to a mental health professional or watching a video like this one, the person I'm listening to focuses overwhelmingly or solely on how to get 'better' in one way or another without talking about WHY getting better is something that I could benefit from, making it feel like just a chore, or like it's just something I *should* do so I can become what I'm *supposed to be*, like I'm aiming to conform to some norm. I think most of the time that's not what they're thinking a lot of the time though, so I think maybe it would be good to be clear when you're trying to motivate someone to do something to explain WHY it's a good idea for that person to do that.
the fact of getting better is not a lifetime signature, it's more of a state of mind, each one of us is prompt to adversity in life, so in such situations the difference between someone who knows whats happening, aware of his own emotions and optimistic about finding a solution, and someone warped with ignorance caused by fear and trauma. the difference is the first one has more skills and can express his feelings and thoughts with a more rich vocabulary and body language patterns! so the purpose of meeting with a mental state professional is to talk and learn about new skills based on extensive studies in the field of human psychology. You can also learn new skills by reading books, and watching movies (romance, drama, comedy...) in a untraditional way and by that i mean you need to focus on how the actors express their emotions by facial expressions and tone of voice... but stay away from thrillers and action movies. I personally went to a therapist but the process was very slow for me so i droped out and went to self help books and video programs, plus i read a lot about successful people, it did helped me a lot! my motto is "the more you learn the more you earn". hope that i helped you and i wish you all the best. tc :)
I can definitely start adding that into my videos.. I think the reason behind WHY it is a good idea for you to get better is if it's bothering you and you don't like how you feel as a result of it. That would be the whole reason you would look into therapy or self-help in general.. and that's usually the WHY behind why I have my clients do homework, etc :) xoxo
Okay, thanks for answering, I just like things clear. :) xo Another problem is I don't feel like I know whether anything in particular bothers me or not. Usually I just feel nothing at all, like you explained in this video. It's been like that since I was about 8, I just felt that I couldn't really handle life anymore and kind of stopped trying. I can think logically that that is likely to be standing in my way. *shrug*
Arabella Mlems dont you. think that its obvious why we need to feel good and be better. Being good has nothing to do in my opionion to conforming to the norm. Because the norm is to be feeling and doing good.
best quote to sum it up for me... Dexter Morgan : "They make it look so easy. Connecting with another human being. It's like no one told them it's the hardest thing in the world." :(
Please someone help! He’s getting closer and finally opening up after I made some major moves. Now I want to pull back. Ugh
seek uncomfortability (:
I am grateful for the resources that are available now. 30 years ago when I was a teenager and acting out as a cry for help, I was thrown into therapy for my mental health. I can pin point the moment of my demise. I focus on the solution and do my homework. It is a daily practice of journaling, and connecting with support network. THere are alot more resources now than in the 1990s that are intense and if we actually do the homework, our neuroplasticity can be manipulated for success. Thank U for this and all of your videos.
I don't think I'm understanding Kati, but I would really love to know more because I suffer with this. I'm 25 and never even had a boyfriend, I don't hug my friends or family because i feel so closterphobic about it and I get overwhelmed. So why do I feel like everything you said in this video didn't apply to me? I know you know what you're talking about but this felt off in my situation.
ASD is no longer an official diagnosis; it is simply considered within the autism spectrum, therefore you must be diagnosed with autism officially. Of course, Jez hasn't said nearly enough to be assumed on the spectrum. I recently turned 25, have never had a boyfriend though guys have tried, I feel uncomfortable when alone with men, and I don't like much touching from anyone. You aren't alone in that boat!
same, you are not alone in this.
Exactly! Intimacy is very uncomfortable to me, especially the romantic one although I find it hard to open and fully trust people in platonic relationships. Friends at least don't give me crippling anxiety
Jezahlie
I don’t think you have a learning disability that effect your interactions.
It might be environmental circumstances that were beyond your control.
Besides the DSM loves to change learning disability definitions, to the point that a lot of psychologists are divided on their views.
I have no idea if you can read this but every time I listen to it video my tears just cover my eyes and had to pause the video! You helped me to understand so about myself and why I feel the way I do. Thank you.
thank you so so much Kati!! Your videos are amazing and always remind me that I'm not the only one. I recently have gotten into a relationship. I've always been terrified of intimacy or any kind of physical contact with a man. But thankfully he understands that and is very patient. I've finally been able to cuddle with him on the sofa. If I'm too anxious he plonks his cat or dog into my lap (he knows it helps my anxiety) and just leaves his hand out for when I've calmed down ☺ I'm very very lucky. Given that this is a huge step for me I've highlighted that there may be a possibility of never being...physical. But he's ok with that. yay!!
Wow! I am part of 45% of the population😯 That makes me feel so much more normal 🙌 Thanks Kati!
I have this fear hard-core because my parents Gaslight me for all my emotions. But I'm actually usually really good at reading other people's emotions in person at least. My main struggle is I can't physically be too close to most people. And I get really anxious and upset any time I'm in a romantic relationship.
I feel like she's my therapist! what a blessing to get this kind of info for free. :)
In the fourth year of my sixteen year marriage, my wife told me to stop touching her. It made me feel rejected and like I was a pervert for wanting to be intimate with her.
We’re divorced now and unfortunately that feeling of not being wanted has seriously affected my dating life.
Aw I’m so sorry for what you’re going through
wow this made so much sense to me! Growing up whenever I'd get sick or get hurt my mom would be mad at me. I was in the hospital for a week once because of an infection that could've been treated but she always thought I wasn't being serious. I never thought that type of neglect could influence my problems with intimacy... Always learning something with Kati!
Whenever I have a crush, I like them, I want too be with them, but I'm afraid too be with them at the end so I'm scared at getting in a relationship.
I see so many beautiful souls in the comments who are on their path to healing. I hope all of you guys find the healing and partnership that you are looking for! Sometimes being with the right person can be a healing experience in itself if you allow it to happen. Yes, it gets uncomfortable and our thoughts can keep us frozen (hey! I'm here cuz I have issues too haha), but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try! Love and pain are two sides of the same coin and it is all worth it for the experiences, learning, and love.
Hello to whom it may concern I can recommend you to someone that helped me get my ex back and he can also help you as he did mine too
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When I’ve spent some good quality time with someone, whether It’s a family member or a friend, I get scared of being rejected. It’s like something always says: ,,When are they gonna stop loving me?’’, or: ,,When are they gonna leave?’’. It’s so deeply stuck in me, that I even noticed it with my cat...
@QualityRock Productions Well, I think the signals are the thing that always scares me. When I see that someone is happy with who I am, I feel very under pressure to keep them stay. What could this be and how can I overcome it? Thanks for your help!
I am ready to work on it and open up. I have realised that people closest to me have fear of intimacy, they aren't ready for me. They are afraid to speak to me about our feelings.
I have trouble with intimacy, I avoid people, and spend a lot of time escaping into games... I have trouble knowing how "I feel" when people ask me, I can't really articulate what I am experiencing.
Thank you Katie for your contagious enthousiasm and the good and clear informations. Have a nice day.
Incredible work Kati, the way you communicate and deliver your knowledge is so heartfelt and sincere. A perfectly timed video (for me personally. I'm excelling in the art of a special kinda special today 😉)
Thank you. Ex's and Oh's..........
Awe thank you so much for the kind comment :) Made my day!! xoxo I am so glad that you found this video helpful and it was perfectly timed!! xxo
+Kati Morton you make our days all the time so good to pay it back, true story.
Stay lovely xo
Then why are you here? This is for those of us who want to get better, not here because we want to put others down. I've seen your other (nasty) comments that have been deleted, this is a strong community and with not much room for trolls, what with us all being stigmatised so horribly and traumatically. I'm sure there are plenty of videos and pages elsewhere that would interest you,maybe you took a wrong turn. All the best.
I need this video more than I care to admit-
Is it possible to have fear of intimacy caused by prior abuse...not by parents?
i guess thats what i wanted to ask also
Yes it definitely can! Especially if the abuse was done by someone you trusted and who was close to you. xox
I'm sure any traumatic event can affect us severely. Without any intent to disregard to anyone's problems, it's hard for me personally to understand how an adult who knows what normal is could ever relate to 3,5 or 9 year old me being beaten naked in front of his friends on a regular basis because I expressed a feeling. I didn't even know that was abnormal, it was just how life worked to me. It wasn't until I got to high school I realized my parents were incredibly screwed up people. Of course today I can't start or hold on to a relationship for anything, and I freak out internally as if I'm going to the electric chair anytime a boss calls me in for a discussion. Unfortunately I do very well and appearing normal. I guess when you grow up the way I did, you learn to hide your issues very well.
Gregory Peterson it can be quite frustrating to be someone who is high functioning because it almost seems as though no one really believes that you struggle on a daily, hourly basis. like yeah i get up early and perform well at my job every day but my mind is racing the entire time, trying its best to convince me that everyone hates me and i should kill myself. similar to what you said, i also feel scrambled and terrified when i get any inkling that i may be in trouble or have upset someone. i’m really sorry about your experience, and i hope you’re able to get the support and help you need.
Thank you for your openness and honesty. There are many traumas, also many slaps from the mother, at least 50 pieces and other things. But violence was not the worst thing - it is above all the effects in partnerships with women.
It hurts me so much to see hugs and caresses. I miss them so much. The other day I saw a woman put her head on a friend's shoulder. This gesture radiated such great tenderness and trust that a stabbing pain shot into my heart. I had to leave the room to press my hands on my aching chest and cry. Such things have been happening for a long time. A few weeks later I had a heart attack and pulmonary embolism. Broken heart symptom. Probably this was the late consequence of incubator when I was a baby and that I sometimes had to go to a home as a child. I have now started with Tantra breathing. When I tell women that I want a year without sex first, but with lots of tenderness, they don't understand. When will I find a tender girl friend? The longing for hugging is so great, but also the fear of pain to lose the beloved person again.
So what if you already are very good with knowing your and other peoples emotions, but you're scared to talk about things with people, and get close to people. Like I don't feel like people really care about my emotions. Or what to listen to my side of things. So how do I get the courage to talk about stuff with these people.
Are they always blaming you? or are you simply afraid to share?
Fear of intimacy in me sabotaged the best, most genuine relationship i've ever had. I'm happy that i know what this faceless thing was, and want to get better.
I struggle with this so much so this has been so helpful, thank you! 💜
Oh yay I am so glad this was helpful!! xoxo
I've recognized all of the symptoms of avoidant attachment throughout my adult life, but I never understood it because both of my parents were major hoverers. I never wanted for anything, but I was constantly worried about bothering or disappointing them. This explanation has made my life make sense!
After watching this I might not have a fear of intimacy, but idk what’s going on because I’ve never been in a relationship and tend to push or freeze people out of my life? Idk why, all I know is that I’m scared and feel safe being alone
Same, I dread advice like "ask them what they do for fun" because if I ask that, then _they'll ask me the same thing_
Avoidant personality?
Just found out about it.
I have this because of my adoption and I'm working on it in therapy. I hate working on it cause it is really really hard. I hate showing any sign of emotion, but I acknowledge it needs to be dealt with. So thank you Kati for putting this up!!
My friends are very forceful with finding and getting me a boyfriend, they both know that I was raped a month after I turned 16. I have a fear of intimacy and it's like they don't recognise what I go though everyday just to live my life.
Good luck :)
I hope that you are doing well.
Be safe dear.
OMG, im sorry to heard that. I wish people in around you would understand with your struggle ❤️❤️❤️
I will absolutely never allow myself to take the risk again. He knows my feelings. He knows my thoughts and emotions. I’m perfectly calm. It’s been 8 years. I will NEVER anything with anyone ever again
I’m trying to find solutions to fix my fear of intimacy, but it seems so draining that I prefer to just be alone 🥴
I’ve Always struggled with this, ( without knowing it until recently) and now I understand why.I also struggle with sosial anxiety. My best friend watch a lot of your videos and recommended this to me. I’m so happy she showed it to me, and this helps me so much. Thank you❤️
Katie-what if you have been emotionally and/or physically abused? Can this cause fear of intimacy?
I would say that if you have been abused as a child then you couldn't form a secure attachment and so yes, this would cause a fear of intimacy.
I so appreciate your work, Katie! Your descriptions are so non-shaming. The fear-shame cycle is such a common dynamic for couples who both have unhealed attachment trauma/fear of intimacy. As you suggest, connecting with parts of self then with safe others really helps!
My mother abandoned me when I was five and the first and only woman I fell in love with dumped me. Could this cause me from pursuing a woman that I would actually want to love? Fear of being abandoned? Fear of Intimacy?
Bernard Dugo yeh its subconscious in ur mind dont bring past baggage to present people its nothing got to do with people its you
you are the best therapist i've ever seen in my life
I love this topic, thanks.
You are so welcome :) xoxo
Why do I want to shed tears while watching this? :( Oh God…..
I freak out every time I get close to a girl. Every single time. And I'm 36 and just pushed away another great girl very recently. I'm so sick of myself that I don't even see the point of my existence. All I do is winding up hurting myself and others.
Tony Vega it's okay. I know how u feel and so do others, u aren't alone.
just be patient and care for urself. don't play with other people's emotions but don't push yourself onto people if you aren't ready or comfortable. you'll find the one someday, and you will have happiness!
have you visited the gp/Doctor?
I'm here again.
Hey, Kati, I like your shows! I mean your tutorials!
I'm a 24 years old Chinese guy, living in southern China. I had my first kiss with a girl last two weeks（No any experiences before!) An accident, she and I believe. It still confuses and me are distracts me from my work, trying to forget about that …… I realize how vulnerable I'm and how hard to change that. I always tell myself (find excuses): if I was a fighter(professional athlete, etc.), I would not have that much confusions, but only have training and fighting.
I was a marathon runner, and still a sports lover. Struggling for a meaningful Like, or let's say make a little change.
I have never experienced a relationship or intimacy, I’m 15 my friends are always on me about getting a boyfriend but once we get close I push them away. I’m not sure why, I’ve been that way my whole life I have a hard time forming relationships with people
I had NO idea that the fear of intimacy was a thing, but the way you explained it sounded just like how I’m feeling. I don’t want to go ahead and just say, yes I probably have the fear of intimacy, but it’s sure a really close match up, if that’s how you word it. And my parents were always extremely overprotective, and they still are, and you explained that parents acting extremely over protective over a young child could be the cause of this.. so now I want to look more into this. Many people have had feelings for me, but once I find out, I freak out. I try to stay as far away from the person as possible, I try not to talk about the person with anyone. And I’m nervous about the way I act because it can ruin a LOT of relationships, so I’m definitely going to look more into this topic. Thanks ❤️✌🏽
Thank you beautiful lots of love, blessings and happiness to everyone (: Don't worry we can do this guys
Your comment at the beginning caught my attention, about living with someone who has fear of intimacy - which I think happens WAY more than people admit - and those people need help desperately, but as regards your description of how fear of intimacy comes about, you omitted the reality and the "elephant in the room" that many babies and young children are physically attacked if they do what babies normally and naturally do, for simply crying to express a need. Genuine fear of intimacy comes from severe trauma, and I'm pretty sure because of having many people from every background confide in me over many years, that a LOT of people have been seriously traumatized as children.
I have fear of intimacy, but i really know how to read people
Nice, took me 29 years to realize. I definetly need to reflect on this, the topics in this video are a lot to process at once, thank you for sharing.
I can‘t build a relationship because of this fear...
Mary Ann Lightly same. I can’t even like a guy. I’ll like someone and then they will start liking me and I get so uncomfortable. I think it’s because I’m relatinships, I can only control my end and so some of my happiness is in the other person’s hands. Like I can’t control what they do and I feel like I’ll never trust anyone enough so why try
I love listening to you talk!
Hello I can recommend you to someone that helped me get my ex back andhe can also help you as he did mine too
Whtspp him
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I know this video is old, but your hair is adorbs short.
I'm 54 and probable undiagnosed Aspergers (31 on AQ test). I had a childhood friend that I hung around for a year and a half (when I was 4-6), and went over one day and she came to the door and said "I don't like you anymore, I like Dennis now" and she never spoke to me again. I spent the next 15 years listening to my parents fight, and nothing I ever did was good enough for my father. I hope this will help me out. Thanks for the videos and information Kati!
Honestly its always just been me with my own body, very private. I almost have a heart attack if a guy i like holds my hand! I stutter around him i get soo nervous and i get awkward! And so i cant imagine having sex and opening myself that intensely to someone! It freaks me out😞 And i feel like theres something wrong with me!
This is me to a T. I just started therapy with a trauma specialist a month ago. I've had a lot of loss. I described my childhood as a happy one for the most part but my therapist is helping me see that as a kid some things my parents did affect me now. I still love my parents very much but things affect us. I know this therapist will help me, you should consider reaching out to one too : )
Omfg. Goddd i am so thankful that people like me exist and that this is an actual fear that you can overcome, i genuinely thought something was wrong with me for YEARS. I long for someone to like me, but when it actually happens the fear and anxiety just consumes me. I remember having anxiety attacks and crying into my pillow so hard when i was 10 because a boy told me he liked me, and i didnt understand what i was feeling and why, but one thing i knew was that i was afraid. But i didnt understand why i was afraid, if everyone else feels happy when someone likes them. I thought i was the only one in the whole wide world like this. I thought something was wrong with me. I just wish i could go back and tell my 10 year old self that its okay to be like that. Thank you so much for making this video and explaining everything.
is it a COMMON occurence that someone whos suffers from fear of intimacy also suffers from codependency?
dseer13 gotta be, because that’s me
What has really helped me was getting my body moving and challenging it in any way I would feel scared of but rationally thought that I shouldn't (that was the beginning) and then after I got a great momentum off of that first step I got myself to finally face my greatest fear, getting through these stages made it hella lot easier to cope with myself and others. It was the best beginning I could ve hoped for.
How do I express how I feel when I don’t want anyone to know about me, and on top of that I have trust issues. It’s all stacking up on me
I have an anxious avoidant attachment style, I was also raised by a narcissist who ruined the family dynamic before I was even adopted.
I know I can’t cure what I have and I hope that I can get at least some relief from it.
I’d hate to miss out on the potential of a healthy relationship. I’d love to start a family with someone who works well with me. No matter if my possible partner and I adopted kids and or pets.