Unveiling the Secrets: Dealing with Partner Splitting on You
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- Опубліковано 28 тра 2024
- Cope with your BPD symptoms using my BPD Card Deck: The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
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In this video, we're going to talk about how to deal with the tough situation where your partner splits on you. If you're feeling like your relationship is in trouble, then this video is for you. I'll discuss the common causes of splitting on partners, and offer some tools to help you through the tough times. We'll also discuss how to deal with black and white thinking, and how to increase your resilience in tough times.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2anv8dww
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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In this video, we're going to discuss what to do when your partner splits on you. If you're struggling with all or nothing thinking, or black and white thinking, then this video is for you! NPD NPD tea
The day when I stopped giving that splitting behaviour value, my life got way easier, more peaceful.
Do you mean like not making major decisions when you're in that state?
@@nataliastanichevsky6643to me it seems like he is saying he isn’t giving the person that’s splitting opinions any value so it helps him not to take the dive with that splitting partner and just waits for the rebound
I got split at yesterday and it was very scary!!!
much love.
Please tell me what you mean???
Like do you mean jsut ignoring it?
It’s just so hard when she projects all of these traits that she has into me that are just so far from true like calling me an alcoholic when I drink less than once a month and never get drunk calling me abusive when I’ve never raised my voices or laid a hand on her calling me manipulative and controlling when I’m the one being manipulated and controlled
I’m just not a pushover and so I stand up for and defend myself
And she gets so mad at me for it I tell her she just wants a guy that is a walking mat and recently she even admitted to me she wants a guy who is submissive.
And I’m not submissive but she is ocd too and has so many rules and ways she does stuff that she makes me follow and I do them all as long as it’s not something harmful
I’m just out of my mind cus I love her so much and am desperately trying to figure out a way to manage her better so it would be greatly appreciated if you took the time to go in depth on exactly what you mean
How is this for splitting? She locked the door after 9 years. I was " the best thing that ever happened to her " Until of course she changed her mind. I feel for her in some twisted way, but she put me through the most painful experience of my life. Absolutely horrible.
Yeaahhh... i dont know. I love Dr. Fox and he is solid. After so many years of being split on, you dont want to do this anymore. You just would rather leave. Being a punching bag, while hoping for breadcrumbs of happiness is not worth all of the emotional abuse in the moment..
I hear you. Dr Fox is wonderful, but unless they seek some/any kind of help its just a hamster wheel. They dont acknowledge there is anything wrong with them. Doctors here wont do anything for them, unless they seek help themselves. We all know how that will go. You can shame them more by getting police involved or get some sort of order to have them committed. I feel like I am losing this battle as well.
Exactly, after 30 years I did leave. It took me a long time to realise it wasn’t me. Even so I still feel like I can’t escape the tirade of emotional abuse. Still having ties with a home and children makes it difficult to break the cycle
I have already learned to not fight back when this happens and wait until things calm down. What I'm in need of is some advice on how to emotionally cope with my partner splitting. Even though I know it's their condition talking and not what they actually really think and feel about me, getting pushed away hard out of the blue is still so painful and scary. I can't focus on anything until the conflict is cleaned up.
I can relate to this so much. Especially when you realise you had a part in triggering the splitting (unintentionally of course), and it’s a constant feeling of guilt.
really relatable it takes so much energy to get back at it when she pushes you away. I always know it will be alright but it still is always that uncertainty that maybe this is the last time.
Omg I totally feel u!!
Thank you for commenting. It helps to know there's are others out there that are striving to truly understand this and be a part of humanity that tries to learn and love and grow and ultimately heal. It is incredibly painful. We did have have a breakthrough, since I posted this comment, in that I shared a couple of Dr. Fox's videos with him and he's receiving it well and even applying some of the coping mechanisms. But I'm now accepting the reality that growth will only go so far when the alcoholism isn't addressed. Dr Fox has said it, my best friend who's has diagnosed BPD for 30 years has told me that. My current therapist that I'm seeing has expressed concern with his continued drinking. When he's sober and splits, he catches it. We work through it. There's reasoning and we resolve. When he's drinking there's no catching it. It's a dark downward spiral that involves relentless verbal attacks on me. I respond and my words are twisted. I don't respond and I'm accused of not giving a f*#k. I'm verbally tortured for hours in the middle of the night, getting zero sleep. And at the end of the episode his answer is "just leave me, you don't deserve this." I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that he may never get help with the alcoholism and I'll someday be faced with making a decision as to whether or not I'll continue to endure. Right now I'm feeling like I can't endure... I'm trying...
@@AqilKamaludin Do you act on those feelings of guilt? It's weird because I don't necessarily carry feelings of guilt. Particularly when he's splitting, if I unintentionally contributed to the trigger and recognize it after things settle, I'm frustrated with myself temporarily and remind myself how I could've handled that differently. But what I struggle with the most is walking on eggshells. So much so, that I'm afraid to roll over in bed sometimes because it could wake him up and trigger a response, so I lay there uncomfortable and unable to sleep. Noone should ever be afraid to roll over in bed?? That is just one example of the hundreds of behaviors I've adopted just to avoid the blow-ups or crazy accusations. And I realized my wanting to avoid the blow-ups is just me being too tired and exhausted to deal. He tells me all the time though that he hates himself so much and that hate for himself gets projected onto me. Even with that knowledge it's painful to take in the horrible things he says to me.
First of all I want to thank you! I feel like you have a BIG heart for those who struggle with BPD. Your content is extremely valuable. As a wife who's been married to someone with BPD for 27 years (not realizing what we were really up against until 3 years ago), this is my greatest struggle. I can't disregard the human side of me sometimes. Most times when my husband is splitting, I am able to recognize it and seperate myself. And then there are those times where the comments are just harsh and it makes me wonder if he really feels that way about me. And I throw the "How dare you say that I have NEVER try to consider how your feeling." I dedicated 27 years to considering how you're feeling. To giving you the benefit of the doubt. To holding on to the hope that someday you'll choose me and your kids over alcohol. 27 years of loving you, supporting you. Years of research in trying to understand what makes you tick and ways that I can respond better. Don't you EVER say I've never considered your feelings." This while the iron is hot and it never ends good. But here's where I feel like I add fuel to the fire in the most unseen way and I don't know how to gain the courage to do differently. When things are going well (he's in a good head space) I feeling like bringing up things like this just bring his mind back onto that negative, self shaming head space. Mentioning anything like that could have an extremely negative response, so starts the "Walking on eggshells". It's a vicious cycle. My husband has asked on multiple occasions why I stay with him. My answer "Because in between the BPD moments, is this great guy and you give me enough of him to remember that he's still in there." And I'm not referring to the love bombing side of him. I'm talking about the caring, compassionate, funny, intelligent guy that I married. I don't want to be love bombed. It's overwhelming and smothering. And if I were to be honest right now, at this point in our marriage, I feel like his mom, his therapist, and his caretaker and very rarely his wife. But I love this man. And I see my children struggling with mental health issues... and now having for the first time in my life struggled with the trauma of being in a long relationship with someone with BPD, it refuse to give up and I'm choosing a path to better understand it and not RUN from it! So I guess my question is, am I being realistic in thinking that it's possible to learn, heal, grow and keep this marriage together?
Whatever you decide to do or whatever happens, it sounds like you have done much more than others would do in your position. I don’t know you but I’m also in BPD relationship and commend your bravery and strength. ❤
To be fair you should try intensive prayers along the Care and therapy. By my own experience as a Christian and a doctor, there is clearly a more or less direct demonic influence behind many mental illness (not to belite the biological truth of it) try the liber christo prayers by father ripperger, you Can find a pdf with a quick Google search, if you do, update me on how it worked.
Maybe you dont believe in it, but at this point why not give it a try?
Mashallah! U're a superstar! 27years?!! holding the fort for that long is just legit patience behaviour! U have a heart of gold and a soul of platinum my YT friend! May god continue to bless you for your tolerance, perseverance and just simply for not giving up .That's really something! I hope you let yourself rest, don't beat yourself up and ure definitely a good mum, a good hearted person inside out! im just in on my 7th year with the husband and the young kiddy. The road is long. It's very hard already. Guess knowledge helps. I sincerely hope u will get what u deserve. I pray for all us to be better than yesterday, healed , reconnect with god and have a happy, loving caring with somone who loves us back. take care everyone. protect your peace and smile a lil more:)xx virtual hugs from south east asia
Jut never forget that you are not responsible for your husband. You do not have to suffer. U deserve to treated well!!!
@@loganrudrum my therapist has recently asked me "Why do you think you've endured for so long?" My answer: I think just knowing that my kids (now ages 24, 21 and 19) struggle with mental illness, but they were aware very early on and took initiative to seek coping skills, such as DBT and CBT. So they've got a pretty good handle on things. But I think just being hyper aware of that fact that mental illness is real and prevalent. It made me realize that so much of it goes unrecognized and untreated. That people who struggle with such mental illness need love and support too. More often than not, people run from it. I do not condone staying if it's really damaging. But if I've got the strength, the tools and the support, than I want to try to make this work. So here I am 3 months after I posted this comment. I did almost leave btw, mostly because he was giving up on life and trying to push me out. It started to affect me physically when he had an episode while drunk. My whole body would tremble and I'd get an intense fight or flight feeling. I finally told him, the Alcohol MUST go if he ever wants this to work. I told him that I simply cannot handle another episode while he's drinking. BPD has proven to be manageable, but when the drinking starts, all those tools go out the window. He finally decided to get help. He's been talking to a therapist for 3 weeks now and he's starting detox today for two weeks. We've also chosen to take another unorthodox treatment plan that will begin after the Alcohol detox is done. I'm incredibly optimistic about this, but I don't think talking about it on this platform would be a good thing. But we are both feeling good about it and his outlook on life is drastically different from what it was 3 weeks ago. 🙏❤️
I was in a relationship with a partner with BPD. She could be adorable, but when she wa ssplitting she could become very destructive. Destructive of me, and of the relationship. Se would call the relationship off, and end up in the arms of some other guy in the matter of days. What Dr. Fox says makes a lot of sense, but in this case there's litteraly nothing I could do to protect myself other than part ways with her. And that's what I did. It took me years to rebuild myself. Some people with BPD are just unbearable and too destructive.
Thanks a lot. Sometimes I prefer not to continue speaking with him until some hours later or the next day.
My wife was raised as a scapegoat by her father. She was abused mentally and physically since young. She have low self esteem, codependence, indecisive, people pleaser and also have BPD traits. She tend to splitting on me viewing me as the best husband in a world and also viewing me as the most bad husband when things don't go her way. It's tiring to deal with. I'm trying to help her for healing journey as I'm as well already on healing journey from my golden child syndrome trauma caused by my narcs father. The point is,
it is hard to go on healing journey when my wife did not go at the same pace of healing like me. For example, she still addicted to a toxic man figure in her life, while I was actually try to quit from being toxic.
This describes me 😢
@@xxxshelinaXD Wish your healing journey is doing great mate. What is your trauma? Scapegoat trauma or golden child syndrome trauma?
@@abc-mt8us tbh I’m not even sure, my dad was just very angry and I often felt like I wasn’t good enough and always walking on egg shells. He definitely had a big part to do with it on top of my mother dying at such a young age. I hate the way I am but unfortunately idk how to change but I’m trying everything in my path. Thank you for the lovely wishes and hope you and your wife are able to work things through.
@@xxxshelinaXD Based on your story, I guess I may assume you having scapegoated syndrome trauma. Being scapegoated since young will make you lose your independence which resulting that you love being codependence with your partner which is bad, coz if you're partner is bad/toxic, you may hold your dear life into him regardless whatever he did to you. You are too scared to explore things on your own incase you made a mistake, parents will get mad at you, which resulting, it's hard for you to make a decision in your life which resulting you can only see something as white or black color only. Your mind can't operate on gray color. For example, if people was nice to you, then you will feel like they are the kindest people in the world, but if there's an argument, you will tend to think they are the most bad people in the world You also tend to run away from problem or responsibility coz, being responsible will make you get punished incase something is wrong from childhood trauma Which resulting you into becoming victim mindset. That's are some of the example I show you, how the trauma may effect your life. You need to be strong and only you, yes you! Can change your life. You need to release those trauma.. no one will get mad or abuse you anymore. You are an adult now, no one can control you. You can control your own life.. surrender to those trauma and start healing. It's a hard journey my dear friend but it's not impossible.
Oh my goodness. Bless you Dr Fox. I struggle with symptoms of ptsd, now that I started to work with a therapist and unpack the burden of past aches. Not only do I experience splitting, but also does my partner. We both had heavy childhoods and not easy lifes. This video taught me a lot. I am endlessly grateful 🙏
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad to hear that this video was helpful for you and your partner. It's important to acknowledge and work through the effects of past experiences, and I'm glad that you're both taking steps towards healing. Keep up the great work!
just don`t. run away. it will repeat and destroy you.
😢
This information is extremely useful and I will take it onboard. I left my partner 6 months ago and we are still having these issues where I’m trying to put my point across and no one is listening. I now know I need to hold fire before I react, thank you
I'm glad you found the information helpful! Communication is key in any relationship.
I think it is key to work on not needing validation from the other person. When you seek that validation it feels world shattering when the other person splits and you feel misunderstood. I think it is a codependency problem.
Glad you found the video helpful.
It can often feel a one way relationship with BPD. Unlike NPD which is always one way (as the love bombing is fake) with BPD it seems there is genuine empathy and they do try to love and be consistent.
Often people who are codependent are drawn to relationships with Cluster B types.
I have found that having a relationship with Jesus Christ has made me whole so I don't need others now to feel complete or validated. I get more than enough love from God which gives me the strength to love others even with no hope of return. These people need unconditional love and most people can't do this without cracking with love starvation. Only God can give you endless love that fills you up which you can then give selflessly to others. Be warned though, these people are like love sieves. There is a 'hole in their love cup' as someone said and so you cannot fill up their well with your love as it always runs away. I have perceieved them to be bottomless pits or black holes of need that can never be sated or filled. Only God can fill them and sate them. And only they can say 'yes' to God.
Just found your channel and it makes me almost cry. I was just diagnosed with borderline after years of wrong diagnoses. It is still hard, and often I feel hopeless. But your channel gives me new hope and teaches me so much ❤️ you are doing a great and important work🙏
I am so thankful for your channel I’ve been struggling to help my partner understand what’s happening and that he is probably borderline as well and seeing some of these comments it’s both of us, we both have different reactions and the the trauma trigger from childhood. I have been working in my mental health and have been in the hospital a few times and have learned to know when I’m heading towards being reactive but it’s so hard when you’re being out through the verbal torment and then have to be loving. I made it 8 years before finally getting so provoked I decided to show him I win when it comes to insulting your weaknesses . I remember what it was like when I had my self image shattered to bite and I promised myself I would never to there. I’m hating myself pretty hard right now
I appreciate you Dr. Fox for taking time to make these videos available for us. I've made it a rountine to listen to your videos on my way to work and home. I'm learning how to regulate my emotions to go on to live a better life. All thanks to you!❤
This happened just today where we both were splitting. “Never and always” words used. After journaling my thoughts out, I left my daughter a voice mail that was honest about what were some underlying stressors we are both dealing with. It made sense. I just wish I would have reacted better but I was triggered for sure. Working out more in the DBT workbook. I kept hearing that term maladaptive behavior in my head and I chose not to let that temptation in. Yay Thank you!!!
I’m so excited that I found ur channel! I love psychology videos and splitting was something I’ve always found interesting
Really helpful, thank you so much Doc!
Thank You! You are helping me out a great deal.
What if bringing up the topic when all is calm re triggers them and creates another split?
Exactly my question, because this happens with my partner every time as well.
Love & Respect Dr. Fox! ❤️ Very important topic.
It was super cute when you said they'd be worried about being poked in the eye. Very good way to remember that. Thank you! 💞
I'm going through this right now with a friend. Thanks for the good timing Dr!
Always the best steps to keep Calm and not Have a BPD episode. Thank you so much
thanks for this video! It helps to be understood and talked about with compassion im looking forward to this new self help vid u just made as well! thank you for your continued support with people who suffer from this illness
A great tip for my work with addicts. Thank you very much!
Thanks for posting this Dr. Fox.
You’re very welcome ☺️
I'm so glad I found your channel. Thank you for the great work! One video in and my perspective is changing.
That is great to hear and I’m glad that you find my material helpful. Take care.
may god watch over & protect you brother. thank you.
Makes sense. I am splitting today. Feeling so frustrated with the job search.
Thank you for this video ❤
You are so welcome!
This is a great video! My struggle is with how to disengage when iron gets hot (and it gets hot fast). Would love to see a video about that as well
I've scoured youtube for a video like this, I finally feel validated and given an explanation for what I've been experiencing. Thank you!
You're very welcome!
I just found your channel and I AM HOOKED!! I've been listening to your videos while working for the past few hours. The videos are every bit as good in audio form.
I love the way that you explain these concepts that you cover. You have a special gift for making this material easy to understand. Thank you for doing what you do!!
I’m so glad you find my material helpful. Be well.
@@DrDanielFox Yes. Very much so. It's interesting to me how I can see the elements of the personality disorders in myself and others even though we don't have the full blown disorder. I'm really fascinated by evidence based psychology.
So true don't comment when she talking
Fantastic advice for me and my partner!
Im excited to try this out so we can both grow and communicate our feelings without fear of hurting one a other.
Cheers Dr Fox, this is invaluable information!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm thrilled that my advice resonated with you. Wishing you and your partner all the best as you navigate your relationship with open hearts and minds.
Thanks for the perspective. Striking while the iron is cold is TERRIBLE advice for my situation though. It just starts the fight back up again when there was finally some peace. No matter how delicately I describe my feeling, it doesn't matter and it's only about me being completely awful (ignoring that I actively make progress on my issues). I can empathize all the time with their BPD situation, but getting screamed for slipping up just a little is sapping my will to live. I don't know what to do.
I would suggest seeing a mental health provider or a couples counselor who can talk about fair, fighting and discussing ways to approach each other’s concerns and fears. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you! I've gone to a lot of therapy about it and have made progress on my own issues (from bipolar and cptsd mostly) and how to deal with conflict. They refuse to do any kind of counseling because they split everything as 100% not their fault.
They go on hours of rageful tirades at perceived slights or taking out their hurt feelings on others. If I defend myself against the attacks and insults during the fight, it just makes things worse, like you said.
I've been watching your channel for a while now and I really appreciate your insight into BPD, it's helped a lot. Thank you.
Its inability to feel quilt, the splitting is constant.
Read about paranoid schizoid position & depressive position. This explains it perfectly.
There is nothing you can do about this, this person cant ever see you as a whole person. As long as you believe, that the problem is in you.. you believe that you have power to fix the situation. That as long as you are more understanding more "empathic". This is a defensive position children can take early on, where they say that they problem is not in the mother but in them. If you think about it, this gives you power you don't actually have. This is and omnipotent position to hold. The problem is not in you, and you have no control over it. No amount of "empathy" or understanding is going to change reality. This was referred to as "moral defiance" by Fairbairn.
I recommend reading a paper called "The Allure of a Bad Object".
@@par22"These patients appear not to perceive or register how narcissistically
damaged their others are. They assume that the rejecting response of the
others can be attributed to the extent of their own needs, driving their
others away. Or, if they do perceive their others more accurately, they
have a fantasy that they can omnipotently repair them and then convert
them into the loving, accepting objects or persons that they are so desperately and obsessively seeking.
Such patients often assume that if only they can repres.s the intensity
of their own needs and adapt themselves to the needs of thetr others, their
relationships offer hope, whatever the costs of personal submission. The
rage consequent to the frustration and humiliation when this hope is not
fulfilled may be totally repressed, or converted into anxiety or a somatic
symptom, or deflected onto third parties, or turned against themselves
for not being able (as they see it) to submit enough or wanting too much. "
This is from the Allure Of the Bad Object by Eleanore Maxwell Armstrong-Perlman.
@@par22 If they refuse to get help and are verbally abusive towards you... Why do you still tolerate it? It might be time to leave, if that is an option. I hope things get better for you, it's not worth sacrificing your own wellness for a relationship with someone with BPD. Take care.
YES I think this guy is Brilliant. I have BPD I watch this I'm in the UK. I was diagnosed with it in 2010. I think this is really educational stuff I think he's spot on. Xxxx
I’m glad my material is helpful for you.
Dear dr Fox.
Would you please consider doing a video on the petulant type bpd and how treatment needs might differ for us? I have not found alot on information on the internet in general and it seems that I experience lots of problems that are much more specific to this than general bpd problems. For example when I discuss things with people they often feel extremely put down by me even though I was just trying to have a nice conversation. I am so pessimistic and put people down so much yet I feel I am not even aware that I do it and I really value being nice. It saw your video on dating where you talked about avoiding people who are sarcastic and putting people down and I realized you actually described that people should avoid having relationships basically with someone like me... It's not that one-sided because I am also very humble and express alot of regret for being like that and I listen very deeply to the critiques people make of me. I hate this stuff so I would really love to hear what can be done about it. I feel opposite action is a strategy that works phenomenally for me for example. I am also thinking I should for example stop swearing and things like that.
Kinds regards
Lova
Sure. Thanks for the suggestion.
Thank you
You are very welcome and I hope you found it helpful.
@@DrDanielFox yes I did. 🤗
They don't split on you, they are always living in a split. The splitting is constant.
I love this, you are very correct.
Actually no. Borderline is not a constant state of irrationality and black and white thinking for every patient. For many it's a matter of stress/trigger level and to what, if any, extent they are disregulated.
This is true
My boyfriend splits for 1-3days and he is completely different person 😢 it is so unbelievable. He has different thoughts ,memories etc . He thinks that I am lying all the time...cant even talk wit him because he thinks Im lying 😅 he thinks that I am manipuling him . He started to talk much (that Im the worst because of sth which is not true , shaming me, laugh at me etc etc) or nothing at all. Lots of things can trigger him. When he is feel unwell, little ill or tired ... I cant talk too much ..especially in the morning ... I cant be mad or sad too long. When Im nervous or mad at him I cant show yhis because he immediately is getting triggered and cause so much drama ... at first I feel so disoriented. Never seen anything like that. I was shocked . One minute he is loving super boyfriend and another minute he is co cruel and unfair. He didint even know that what he was doing was a bad thing. Now he know . Was very surprised at the beginning. Nobody didnt told him that earlier. He is 45 . And previous 5 girlfriend's didnt say nothing . Just wow.😅 . Its hard sometimes. His words stuck in my head. He says that this cruel words mean anything . He says them when he is triggered. But still. It really hurts
Sounds like a very challenging relationship and I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox thanks :) it is better every day :)
Hmmm, that's not splitting, that's dissociation
The worst thing that happend to me and the best thing that happend was when i was told i was using the partner, thats where my heart just twisted and broke inside after so much positives we gave to eachother and supporting with multiple issues. It just released me and made me loose all interests and fear the person. I still feel sorry for the person but it was very unstable good sides to the relationship so bpd isnt just bad but theres alot of work
I want to share my experience with whom I believe has BPD/tendencies. I have been in a relationship with this person for 2 1/2 years and have done a lot of internal work on my own triggers and traumas as I was raised by a mother whom I believe has BPD (would get physically abused when I was a child because there was a language barrier and when I said "you" she thought I was being disrespectful regardless of my trying to explain to her that saying that word was not) and a stepfather whom I believe has NPD (he thought he was going to become the president of Korea and idolized Hitler). I know I am not a mental health practitioner though my background of studies is both in western and eastern medicine, but quoting psychologist Dr. Ramani, I feel through my quest to understand "what he hell is going on," led me to read books/listen to videos etc where I practically have a phD in NPD/BPD.
About the incident and taking a bit longer to tell my story, my boyfriend helped me move a hutch that I bought and so I wanted to make a nice gesture and treat him to lunch. He said he didn't know what he was doing after helping me move the hutch because he was doing things one day at a time and was going with the flow. I kind of understood as he recovering from having shingles and was "hiding out" though his negativity existed whether he had shingles or not. He changed his mind after we got the hutch loaded up in both our cars.
I wanted to take him to a restaurant which had healthy food and so we parked in an area he wasn't familiar with in contrast to my having lived there for over 20years. It turned out that the restaurant was closed permanently. So we ended up parking in a residential area because there were no parking spots available. He wanted to check out a vintage clothing store. Since I knew he was a stickler for parking "legally" because he was afraid of getting towed even though I knew it would be fine parking there for 10m, I asked him if he was okay with parking in this residential spot. He said he was okay parking there for a short while to look at some vintage clothing (he is a dealer).
I said ok even though I brought my dog with me who is very active and probably would not be welcomed in a crowded shop with vintage items. So I waited outside and afterwards, he said do you want to get something to eat around here. And I replied okay. He then stated, I don't want to leave my car in the parking spot. In which I replied that it should be okay.... But before I could say another word to assure him that the eatery was right across the street and that it wouldn't take long, he raised his voice telling me he wasn't going to park in a residential area and what didn't I understand about his wanting to park there and that that was his boundaries. I felt uncomfortable and told him that maybe we should go our separate ways (I couldn't get a word in edge wise) and meet up later or something. Where he got in his car and raced off. He then tried to call and text me saying that we have different ways of dealing with making decisions (he was referring to when I told him that I needed to pause and think for a minute) and that thinking too much can lead to paralysis.
This just one of the many occurrences that happen (sometimes I sense that he is delusional in his perception of reality at times). Anyway, I am wondering how to deal with these situations that just come out of the blue and also the blaming, character assassination, gaslighting, crazing making behaviors that come at me when I try to explain to him my point of view even when the iron is cold. He then says life is too short, get over it, you're making a big deal out of nothing, you're too sensitive, etc.... Whew. Thanks for reading to the end and would appreciate your thoughts.
I’m glad you found the video helpful. Be well.
i hope you find another boyfriend who can relate to you and understand you....your boyfriend sounds like he is in emotional turmoil and cannot see you or hear you for who you are.....
Huh it just seems like he didn't want to park there as it's his car he would be in trouble not you . And I don't get why you both couldn't have parked somewhere else .
Iv been doing research for years trying to make things work. But why?!?! Why can’t we bring this to light and let them hit rock bottom so they can seek help. Specially if undiagnosed and refusing to make an effort. They hurt so many people and we have to tip toe around them? No thanks. Im so tired
My Girlfriend likes to acknowledge all the things I say and then completely do the exact opposite. Anytime we talk and shes in a bad mood or is stressed to the MAX she will revert to a child-like mindset and will often tell me "Lets just end it" / "I just want to be done with this" and so on in order to get me to break up with her. She has been nasty with me on multiple occasions and will often try to get a rise out of me out of pettyness. She will change her profile pictures on all social medias after attempting to get me to break up with her (She does this literally EVERY time). When i try to comfort her and talk to her it's always the same outcome, she learns, apologizes, and then a day later will do the exact same thing. I'm often feeling anxiety in my relationship. Does anyone have any advice for me? I was just home to visit her for 17 days, and now i am back overseas for work. During my stay in home she was often ugly with me and split on me numerous times until i calmed her down by going and seeing her at her house. I need help. I feel like im losing this battle...
First reframe it, instead of it being a battle it’s actually a crisis of her organ (brain) malfunctioning and the symptoms are causing you pain. For instance if her brain malfunctioned in a way that she had a seizure and the violent way she fell injured you in the process would you call that a battle? Maybe but then she would be a warrior and you both would be on the same team. :)
Also, maybe she isn’t trying to get a rise out of you, maybe she’s just trying to feel safe and the behaviors she’s doing to feel safe look like she has bad intentions. If she’s treated as someone who needs love and reassurance because of her wounds and not as someone with bad intentions trying to battle maybe this will help deescalate. These situations are way way more difficult to deal with in person than to talk about here for sure.
@@briannahansen7680
Well Put.
Reframe vs Taken it Personally.
@@briannahansen7680 I’m a bit confused by your message, but I get it. I’ll read it again and again when i have enough rest so that I can grasp it better. How would you recommend I talk to her when she’s not wanting to listen to anything I say right now? Her last message to me was “I’m done” after she complained about her job and some money issues she’s been having. I feel so lost.
Man splits: "Break up with that psycho! Own your power! You deserve it!"
Woman splits: "She needs understanding. It's a brain trauma from childhood. How can you abandon the one you love? Don't be so heartless!"
sounds like she needs help, therapy for sure. Thing is, she gotta reach that point by herself, otherwise it wont work, if you keep enabling her it will keep happening. She has to see that her attitude is not healthy not for you not for her. You also gotta learn her triggers , then have a talk about those with her. But as things are right now, nothing will change if none of you do something diferent.
I wish I would have seen this video 5 years ago
I’m glad you found the video helpful.
Sometimes there’s nothing you do say, even being patient and understanding is seen as a provocation. Don’t waste your life for someone else’s emotional disregulation. Never tolerate abuse or personal attacks in any form. You are wasting your life.
DONTEVEN TRY TO DEAL WITH IT RUN RUN AWAY I BEG YOU THEY ARE NUTS
I'm the type of BPDer that can see what's happening as its happening. I can see how others react to me and I know how they're adding fuel to the fire and visa versa. Strange.
We both have bpd and it went so well until he split and avoided me, because I think I unitentionally have triggered his trauma somehow, now we dont really text properly anymore :( I wished I had this information on how to approach him like that sooner.
A friend splitted on me 2 days ago while talking on WhatsApp. We like each other. It wasn't the first time she blocked me, but this time she told me directly "i don't want to speak with you in a while, I'm going to block you and don't try to contact me" and indeed she blocked me, only to unblock me 3 hours later telling me that she don't have the money to pay me back something we were talking about that same day. The trigger was a stupid discussion we were having in good terms, but I made a joke whe didn't like and that's when she told me that. We haven't spoken since then. She has some of the BPD symptoms like unstability, unpredictability, alcohol abuse, paranoia, self harming, depression etc...
You just leave. Don't try to figure it out. Your time and life is precious and the mental turmoil is not worth it.
Your well-being is the most important thing. Take care of yourself first.
I wish I had this advice and I knew what BPD was so many years ago. I used to stay up until 6:00 a.m. sometimes fighting with my wife because she would be splitting and I didn't understand what was happening and I would keep trying to "fix" it. And the more that I did that, the more broken she seemed and got. Now my question to you that nobody can ever seem to answer is this. So I can de-escalate and remove myself from the situation when she gets out of control splitting, but what about the kids do I have to skip the kids up and get them out of there as? Because when she can't go after me, she will split on them. But if I take them, then won't that trigger the fear of abandonment that they have?
I will speak as a child of a parent with BPD: you should probably get the kids away from her if she starts turning on them while splitting. She will need to learn that the patience and compassion end where she starts taking out her feelings on her innocent babies who don’t understand why mommy suddenly hates them. You can just explain to them mom has big feelings and needs to be alone to calm down, and once she does, everyone can come home. The children may be confused about that and it may traumatize to an extent but at least they won’t also be exposed to uncontrolled rage or sadness on top of the confusion. Sending you, your wife and children all the love. ❤️
After the splitting how can you tell if they are dissociating or giving silent treatment?
Dear @DrDanielFox How does this work with when they give you the silent treatment? I told him several times how this triggers my own fear of abandonement, but nothing changes. I just have to wait until he speaks again. And there won't be an apology on the hurting he did prior to the silent treatment, either. Do i just have to take all his crap? Is there no way of improving this? I'm tired of being met with a wall. Maybe interesting to mention that he does dissociate extremely.
It sounds like you're going through a tough situation. It's important to prioritize your mental health and set boundaries that make you feel respected and valued.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you, and those boundaries mean i have to leave, bcs they are being violated time and time again.
In the meantime, i found out what that stonewalling behaviour is: it's the silent treatment of a Quiet pwBPD. A repetitive cycle. They then come back as if nothing happened, and often enough repeated it leads to them discarding / ghosting you, meaning leaving you.
Interesting video from A.J. Mahari.
Your book and card deck are very helpful for partners, siblings, etc too. Not only for understanding, but also bcs they often struggle with some of the BPD tendencies but in a lighter form.
@@artandscience1- run, if you haven't ran already. Lick your wounds, look after yourself and best wishes for YOUR future.
I lost a best friend of almost 5 years over a misunderstanding over a game we played together online. After trying to reach out a few times over the past year and her yelling at me, I finally understood what she was asking of me but she still blames me for it.
I tried reaching out with a neutral topic some months ago and she quickly told me to go F myself among other things and I let her know I still cared about her but it was the last time I'd ever reach out to her as I don't want to be around someone that's so enraged over something that happened roughly 8 months prior.
At some point recently, I joined an online community on discord over a hobby we both shared with roughly 2000+ people in it and the first and most recent post I saw was from her. I left without even reading it or anything else as I didn't even want to be around her anymore. The next morning I woke up to a huge angry text with her yelling at me that I was a creepy stalker and all sorts of other nastiness and that she's glad I left before she had to get mods involved to ban me from the public server.
I still love her like family but it's pretty safe to say she split me black and there's no going back.
It's pretty devastating to have someone so close to not just turn their back on you but vilify you when you try to find understanding and make things right with them.
Sorry to hear that you're in the same boat and I wish you the best in finding people in your life that actually deserve your presence, unlike the people from our past that brought us to this video lol.
Ive never argue or blow up on bpd son. I know it will only make matters worse. He insists that I am "making it all about me" while I try to reason with him. How can I talk without using the, as he puts it, "victim" card?
@@alicezventures Thank you for your feedback. You could be right. Maybe I am trying to hard and not seeing whats in front of my face. I sincerely want to be on the same page. It is very frustrating, for us both.
hey, been trying to get the answer from everywhere. if a person going through bpd experiences a psychosis episode, can it last for a month?
Typically that would be too long. I'd look at other factors that may be going on, if not schizophrenia. Remember though, there are degree to all symptoms.
@Dr. Daniel Fox thank you so much! I just haven't been able to get all that many answers because that person has been a behavorial health center for about a month now, where neither me nor her mom have been able to collect any information as tp where she may be, what they may have diagnosed her with, or anything else. the only reason I say she may have bpd is because your videos have spoken volumes to me, and I find myself watching them all the time to feel heard and understood and that I wasn't crazy for sometimes feeling like no matter what I did in the relationship, like it wasn't enough and that I couldn't provide. but yeah, from everything I've read and heard and studied on, I believe she may have cbpd. before her episode she spoke to me about how incredibly depressed she had been feeling, and during the episode it was a very persecutory episode in nature. I don't actually know if she's still in her psychosis episode since I haven't been able to get in contact with her for a while, but she's still in the bhc and it's been a month so I think she may still be.
@@DrDanielFox sorry, ranting!
I do 90% of the household management, washing up, shopping, cooking, school drop offs, Teacher Parent interviews, doctor appointments for the children, tidying up etc. I do not impose this, if I dont do it, it doesnt get done..but if I ever refer to any of this, however subtly as a defence to criticism, I am just told either that she doesn't see any evidence of it, or that I am trying to show that I am indispensable, or relevant, or that I am virtue signalling, or that I am using it to control her or the children, or that I am living in a fantasy world based on some American sit com. If I take time for myself, it is always referred to - that I am always at the gym, or taking a nap.
"If I don't do it, it doesn't get done."
Yep. The person who cares the least is in control.
Quit.
Symbolic and satisfying though that would be, it would my three children uncared for, and exposed to the gaslighting that I don't care enough for them to meet my obligations as a parent. No win I'm afraid. I have always been quite happy to carry quite a heavy load ..the problem occurs when either I run out of time or get sick, or hear my children being told that I only do what I do to "control them" "infantalise them" or I am doing it to "appear relevant".
@@Marshadow69 I was in a similar boat. But I had to open up to the possibility that there might be some truth to what's being said, as unpleasant as it sounds. Codependents thrive off of feeling needed to an unhealthy level. We do an almost superhuman amount of work/sacrifice for the people around us without giving consideration for our own needs, our limits and then build resentment and anger when we realize our efforts can't or won't be reciprocated. As angry as this makes us, we fear confronting the void of purpose within ourselves more than the martyrdom of endlessly serving others. Obligations give us routine, direction in life. As someone who took a stand against the splitting and was discarded by their BPD partner, I'm now left facing the question of "where do I go from here?" which is both liberating and anxiety-inducing. *Let people fall.* Stop saving people from facing the consequences of their poor decisions where you can. You will help yourself and others grow more by accepting your limits, setting boundaries and sticking to them.
So is it a permanent for some time state or is more like bursts?
It depends on the individual! Some people find that their state of mind is more permanent, while others experience it in bursts. It's important to find what works best for you and take care of your mental health.
thank you a lot
My boyfriend split on me, and he tells me that when he splits, he never goes back. Is there a chance he still might? He's never loved anyone the way he's loved me, so how would he know the outcome of splitting on someone he loves ronantically if I'm his first? We have spoken about it, and he says he wishes he still loved me, and splitting on me was one of the hardest things he had to deal with and accept. He split out of nowhere, broke up with me, and he still tells me it was genuinely over nothing I had done, everything had just switched off. It's been months, and I'm still in love with him. No part of me is over him. What do I do???
I hope you're ok. Same thing happened with my bf. I sent him a message a couple months ago to ask if he wanted to meet up. I don't necessarily want to get back together, I'm fine either way at this point and just wanted to have a peaceful conversation because I'm not used to such break ups. Just getting discarded over a text and never to talk again. But he hasn't responded. Probably blocked me. In that message I also wrote that I wished him well anyhow. Now time to move on. No hard feelings on my part at all. Still a wonderful person in my eyes but if he doesn't want to see me, it's his right and I shall respect that.
Can a split result in a 3 month affair?
I feel like my 17 year old son on the autistic spectrum has done this to me. I asked my brother to take him but he HATED me long before then. I was tiptoeing around him so he has no respect for me, but if I tried to stand up for myself he used his height, rage and proximity to scare me. He told me I was a bitch and I said ''why am I a bitch?'' and he has nothing. So, there's nothing to resolve, no issue he's trying to raise. And I would listen.
This is a good video even though it's to do with couples. You can't dump your 17 year old son. We had a good relationship until he was about 13 and stopped engaging. I have to think long term. I want him to realise *eventually* that I'm my own person and strong enough to deal with these names, but not squaring up for a life time of this. I would LIKE him to see the value in having a mother one day.
Thank you for sharing your experience and I wish you well
❤
The most devastating aspects of BPD occur primarily within the bounds of a committed (this is key) relationship.
This happens with my boyfriend. Its never level.
Communication is key in any relationship, maybe have a chat with him about it!
Insight is a powerful thing. Use it to learn about yourself and to build adaptive strategies to help yourself. Be well.
Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet.
We never talk things out. I want and need to but he kerps doing ad if nothing happened and imi am a nauscence or something.... we both are neurotypical. Its unhealthy. I don't know how to get this right
run away?
My girlfriend, did like a banana and split out of nowhere, freaked out and left my house while watching Tv, was messed up. She felt tired suddenly and childlike, haven't seen her since, she's now going to the gay parade with a bunch of lezzie's..I think people with BPD are very weak emotionally, it really does not take much for them to get diregulated, they cannot accept critic or own up to this shit, takes a lot of patience, and i doubt they love you at the end of the day..they are very selfish like narcissists but in a distorted empatihic way. Life's too short, if you don't have to deal with it, leave
Send a barrage of texts?
Get drunk, leave shameful voicemails ?
Ask people how she's doing, is she seeing anyone?
Show up at her job?
Trail her Green Subaru license plate AKU-1674 to see where she's going?
Ugly cry in her doorbell camera?
Sleep in her lawn until the 5-0 shows up?
Oh, I thought you meant split as in leave. Ooopsie Doodle. My bad.
Relax, I made up that plate #
Be happy you didn't lose even more time with them... consider yourself as having dished a bullet and NEVER, EVEF take them back, no matter what.
Respectfully, I don't think any mental health professional would recommend that someone stay in an abusive relationship like this. In fact, I think most would recommend the other person get out as quickly and safely as possible before the person with BPD harms them physically, sexually, or psychologically.
I love my oldest sister unconditionally, but I would not wish her on my worst enemy. She was very kind to me as a child, so this isn't some kind of unresolved childhood trauma in me that is saying that either. It's my empathy for others.
To the family members of those with BPD, you have my sympathy.
It's a truly heartbreaking situation all the way around because, my goodness, people with BPD are so easy to love...until they try to harm or kill you and you have to call law enforcement to help you get away from them.
In a full-blown rage, someone with BPD is like a runaway train.
Until they have SERIOUS, long-term, in-patient treatment that offers combinations of therapies like DBT plus MBT together, some of them can be dangerous to people, pets, law enforcement. They will COME AT YOU.
If it weren't for my sister's extreme (and irrational) abandonment terror and engulfment anxiety, I would swear that she's a situational sociopath (and sociopathy really is not situational).
I would never confuse her for a narcissist, she is so humble. She could not care less about social status and public admiration. When she is not enraged, she is kind to animals. She cares for the well-being of children, so much so that she chose to never have any (and put a child through the terror of her being their mother...she recognizes that no child deserves that, and that no child deserves to inherit genes that may express as BPD). At times, she can empathize and sympathize....but those times she can't or won't you better hope your amygdala fires enough of a signal to the HPA so it floods your body with enough adrenaline to get away from her before she snaps because she is like a human tornado.
As someone with BPD I find this comment very hurtful, insensitive and inconsiderate. Yes, I fully understand the severity of potential harm that could happen to ourselves and/or our loved ones when we have a splitting episode. However, in the moment we do not have full control of our actions, we are not doing it deliberately, in fact it's the exact opposite. It's extremely hard to find the words to truly describe what it is like for us in these situations.
If you truly love your significant other or your family member that has BPD then you should want to do everything you can to help them. It's not an "abusive relationship" we are not consciously being abusive, we don't get enjoyment or satisfaction from causing everyone else pain.
We are not "terrors" to our children. I have 3 kids and me and my husband have been very open with them about my mental health disorders to try and help them better understand. I love them more than life itself, they are extremely happy and well taken care of and I strive to provide them the best childhood that I am able to. Of course children don't "deserve" to inherit genes from their parents that may cause BPD, but at the same time children also don't deserve to inherit genes that cause developmental delays, cancers, and other diseases and disorders. Just because we have BPD doesn't mean that we are monsters or tornadoes, or runaway trains. We don't all need SERIOUS in patient therapy in order to not be a danger to society.
I can't speak for everyone, but I know that the main things I need to help me cope with my BPD are; support/awareness/understanding from family and friends, and unconditional love.
I have made tremendous progress with managing my BPD since receiving my diagnosis a little over 1.5 years ago and I am extremely proud of myself and my husband feels the same way. He understands that I am living with a mental illness and that things will not always be rainbows and butterflies, sometimes things will be hurricanes and tornadoes. But he is by my side everyday especially when I am having a rough patch.
I am not trying to tell you how to feel, or that you are doing things wrong. I just ask that next time you comment, to take a second to really think about what you are saying and how you are saying it. Because words can be extremely hurtful, especially to someone with BPD and depression.
@@beyourself9162 Yes they spoke about their experience but they called these experiences abusive which is not inherently correct and hurtful to people like the commenter you @-ed. There is obviously a lot of hurt for the experiences everyone in this thread has experienced but BPD is not the same for every person who has it and it is hurtful to act like everyone who has it is harmful when so many people with it are working to hard to better themselves and break that stigma
I likene Narcs to vampires, always presenting a "human" front, able to seduce and delay their bloodlust until the time is right. Exposure to the light of day their worst fear.
And borderlines are werewolves. Truly human and guiltridden, but when the transformation occurs, incapable of self containment. An animal in human form. Then reverts back, incredulous, ashamed, weak now in their naked pink form.
@@zekeylaodowd-williams984 Do you always make everything about you? That's rhetorical.
You are entitled to feel however you choose. Your feelings are none of my business, especially since you are a complete stranger to me.
You are also entitled to think I'm inconsiderate and insensitive. I don't allow people to project their own issues onto
me.
I am not easily manipulated.
No one made you come to a video... created for the partners and family members of people with BPD...and read the comment section. YOU made that choice all on your own.
My guess is that you see yourself in what I posted, and THAT is why you feel so hurt and so offended. It must ring true for you?
If you don't see yourself in what I posted, then why do you feel ENTITLED to try to tell me about my experiences with my own sister when we are both strangers to you?
You are NOT the script-writer for my life experiences. You do NOT get to edit out the ugly truths of my relationship with my sister that dings your paper-thin ego.
I will not be manipulated by YOUR feelings. Manage them yourself.
You can also feel free to block me, if you're so out of control that you can't stop yourself from reading the comment section for family members and partners of people with BPD.
For me, the word "abusive" confuses intentions and impact so I'll avoid it. How many of us have snapped at someone when we were hungry or tired, not /meaning/ to hurt them? When someone experiences harm from a behavior, the harm is done regardless of intention, although knowing harm was unintended can help. If behaviors continue to unintentionally harm a person, and they don't develop ways to cope with, grow through or eliminate that harm, who would recommend that they stay in the situation? Tragic and terrifying. Also I'm happy that my therapist was sophisticated regarding people on the borderline spectrum.
at no point do I like people rubbing in what they’ve done for me in relation to an argument. Two different subjects unless you are saying the person does nothing for you. In any other circumstances do not rub in shit you do for them. It makes us feel less than, more than we already do. It also makes us feel we are not entitled to our feeling because you do shit for us. Like paid silence. Not going to help.
She broke up after her first split and I've slammed the door (she acted as she was disgusted with me and I suspected some form of cheating may be involved and lies were already there). But, I still miss those days, the hope I have of us. It's been months and I hope the impossible.
It can certainly be difficult, but it sounds like you develop some good insight.
I need your help. Can I have a session with you? My life is on the line.. i love your intelligence in this subject . I’m asking for help
How can I reach out to to you for a personal therapy session? Please
How can I contact you for a short session?
Why would anybody date a person with BPD ? Isn't that a deal breaker right off the bat ?
Thank u for this video. It is what I needed to hear. I am struggling today with all my symptoms of bpd. A voice of reason in my sea of chaos 🥹