Why Moms Are Miserable | Sheryl Ziegler | TEDxWilmingtonWomen
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- Опубліковано 14 гру 2017
- Sheryl Ziegler, Doctor of Psychology, shares what mothers need in their lives in order to experience happiness and help prevent loneliness and depression. The power of social connection and friendships will be explored as a key component to a mother’s well being and quality of life. Dr. Sheryl Ziegler, is a Doctor of Psychology specializing in children and families who founded a group private practice over a decade ago in Denver, Colorado. Over the course of her practice, Dr. Ziegler has led thousands of face-to-face sessions focused on burnout in motherhood and its related issues, including anxiety, depression, and divorce. Dr. Ziegler is a familiar face on television, with appearances on both local and national news media outlets as the “go-to” family and parenting expert. In January 2018, Dr. Ziegler’s book, Mommy Burnout: How Addressing Yours Will Make You a Better Mother and Create a Better Life for Your Children (Dey Street Books) debuts. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
It’s not motherhood that makes us miserable. It’s the lack of support.
Exactly. NO ONE tells you "hey I'm going to go on with my life while you have these kids have fun!"
Exactly
Seriously!!! Why do people skip over this fact!!!
Yep and the ones that are supposed to support you and pressured you to have kids don’t ever ask you if you need help and then have the nerve to tell you to have more kids.
In my opinion, it's partially true but not fully... from personal experience - my mom had support from her mom and husband and siblings. My dad was there along all the process. But she still regrets having children. She had a rough childhood and has low emotional energy. Even when she got all the support she was still exhausted. So I belive it depends on the person rather than the circumstance, thought it is still a determining factor.
If we’re a working mom, we feel guilty. And if we are a stay at home mom, we feel judged.
If someone tries to make you feel guilty, tell them what poor life choices you believe they've made as well. That has always worked for me to get others to mind their own business.
Damn if u do damn if u don't I was a working army wife I worked at commissary overseas. I would hear stay at home moms complain when the kids were home during summer break. I wish I had more time with mine. That's why I only had one. Didn't have the luxury of having family around for babysitting. But we do what we have to do. Bills won't pay themselves. Too busy to ponder about stuff. Husband retired I have my part time keeps me busy. My hobby is gardening keeps me sane. Just got to find balance. I wish the best for all moms married, single, military moms its hard but you got this!
Yup, so sad.
I never felt guilty being a working mom
Lazy
I'm married with 3 kids and I stay home with the kids. Despite having my husband's income which I'm grateful for, I feel like a single parent because the weight of the isolation and repetitive days. I love my kids to no end but simultaneously, I've lost my identity completely. I'm so grateful for this talk; I'm glad to know this is a situation most of us find ourselves in.
Me too exactly...
Youre not single, try to spend pockets of time with your husband after the full time daily mommy routine. It'll help your mental 💞
I am a single mom of 5 and you have no idea the weight . Set aside time with your husband and let him in on the way you feel. I am about to tap out
Wow, sounds just like me 😔
I did that too but my kids turned out to be selfish. They need me if only they want something from me. Get out and work. Your kids don’t care about you. They feel like they are entitled to everything, your life doesn’t matter to them.
Wish i had heard this 26 years ago. Motherhood is draining yet fulfilling. I felt guilty for not being 100% happy about staying home with kids. Started drinking and hide my drinking. Culture doesnt support stay at home moms. I had a career but gave it up because I thought it was the right thing to do. Three years sober now.
Wow. Thanks for sharing!
kimberly anderson wow that’s some story... wishing u the best 🙏🏻
Well done. Keep it up!
kimberly anderson I support housewives n homemakers with all my heart. I love you.
I drink sometimes now I feel so isolated and depressed I guess I’m not alone
To women parenting is an obligation but to men, it's an elective.
Sad but true ... :/
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Parenting is an obligation to men - his roles are often different than that of the woman. If a lady or man is not prepared for the demands of being a spouse or parent why do they get married and/or have children?
I think the trouble is that when a woman has a kid, her life almost stops and revolves around that kid.
The man’s life interests stay just as important as they were before the kid.
Women cut off their friend circle and stop going to hobbies or sports.
So true...
The trouble is women become mothers and men don't become fathers. It takes 100% to raise children. If only one person is doing that, then they have to give all 100%to the children and then there is nothing left. If a man wants his woman back, he needs to take on 50% of raising the children. It is simple math. Mother 50%, father 50%. And if your family is father father or mother mother, or any other configuration, this still applies. And no, if one partner stays home, the other doesn't get to abdicate their 50%. Obviously, the one staying home is going to take on more of the daily role, but as the other parent, you should still know your child's temperament, likes, dislikes, teachers, school, doctor, how they are doing, etc. If you come home and your child is not doing their chore, it is not your job to yell at the mother to just keep a clean house, it is your job to back her up to teach the child to do their chores and be responsible.There are way too many men out there that have no idea when their kids are out of school, that they had a doctor appointment. And this is not a lack on the mother's part, because she has a calendar on the fridge, another in the front room and an electronic one that is shared with the entire family and hubby just swipes off the notifications without even looking because he is too busy. Or worse, he never even accepts the sharing invitation that his wife, the mother of his children, sent him.
Yes, and then their husbands leave them because they are no longer the fun, interesting, beautiful ( because they don't have time to take care of themselves) girls they married. The. when your kids grow up and leave it can be even worst because now you have nothing.
I think it's really easy to just go and blame men here and I think that completely misses the point of this whole entire video.
She took into account available, loving, and involved husbands... Yet the problem remains.
Unfortunately it's true
I was a say at home mom for 7 years, and I have 2 children. I describe that time as, never being alone, but never feeling so lonely.
Yeah with screaming banshees running all over the place😂
Truth!❤ I miss good sleep
The expectation placed upon our shoulders is tremendous: we have to be go-getters at work, super moms, lose baby weight in 48 hours, it's nuts!
@@Poleeze1 amen
Sesshomaru Uzumaki No she didn’t, but she’s crying and needs to know the source of her sorrows
Poleeze1 There is some truth in your comment.
Take a step back: Those are expectations you've set upon yourself. No one else is judging you for not doing any one of those things.
Louder for the ones in the bacccck 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
"The problem with no name" = Not every woman can handle having a career, balancing a marriage, and raising children all at once. Women need to know that its ok, they don't need to do all three to be accomplished.
But even being a full time stay at home mom is EXHAUSTING
Lol, yes well I'm sure it is, unless you are very wealthy and you can afford nannies, cooks, & maids. For most women who decide to stay home thats not an option so they will have to make due with what they can.
True story haha I've always been a stay at home mom. We haven't had much $ but we are fine without all the crazy luxuries in life. I know they will come in a few years. It's still worth it to have the stability for my 4 kids. I don't feel like I'm missing out on much. Would be nice to get some help with laundry and deep cleaning.
I think if two parents are working & they are both making some decent income, investing in a housekeeper/nannie will significantly help lessen those extra duties that parents often find themselves to exhausted to do. Rather than spending that time maintaining the daily/weekly tasks of the home or getting their kids ready, with that extra help, they have time to rest and redirect their focus on quality family time. Its not elitist or old fashioned- its actually very practical.
I agree. I just heard one of the main reasons people divorce is over the house mess. I totally believe this! Just hire someone to clean and mow the lawn haha. A lot of people can't afford anything close to that including babysitters though. so hence the stress. change of mindset is in order.
I'm a stay at home mom of two boys and I have 0 friends
Hey hun, im sure youre doing a great job as a mom. If you ever wan someone to talk to i can be your friend just drop me a msg!
How do you connect when other potential person pushes you away due to too busy? Or potential person is unwilling to have a bit deeper conversation and really listen and exchange real feelings, other than superficial "Hi" and "I'm fine:?
Time and effort. Being vulnerable and present in your conversations. Be what you want. People are likely to open up if you do.
Rachael Kearns Thanks for your words. Effort: Too many of us moms are tired and depressed and lack desire to make an effort, especially when we have been rejected often. Time: Yes, we need to make the time and try again and again. It is hard to muster motivation when feeling depressed. How does a therapist motivate a mom to spend the time and effort to try?
Rachael Kearns Thank you Rachael for your kind words.
I've just joined a gym and I'm hopping for the best 🤗
I've been a single mom of 4 for almost 4 years now. No friends, no family. Just get deeper in my thoughts everyday... I've been learning to heal from the past but its been a struggle. To all moms feeling this way, I send you love, light and healing💙
❤️
Chin up, shoulders back, spine straight. This too shall pass. You will make it. Just keep on keeping on. Don't give up. I feel you.
❤️
Same her girl ! More power to u ❤️ sending love back ur way
THANKS ZULEIKA ❤️ SENDING LOVE BACK TO YOU & ALL WHO ARE IN THE SAME SITUATION.
The problem is that the burden of parenting falls directly onto the mother. Even now with more women working, women statistically do majority of childcare, cleaning, and cooking. I suspect the reason behind this is because a lot of old-school parents raised their girl children to do majority of the housekeeping while boys were allowed to be kids, reinforcing that idea that it's a woman's job to do all this. We need to start raising boys and girls the same way.
Exhausted, overwhelmed, and lonely. Wow, that describes me exactly
When you have a child and are with someone, yet feel alone and single anyways, is the WORST. It put things in perspective for me. We just need to focus on ourselves and our babies!
yes same here
Same!
@@caroldirenzo4809 this is me
To all of the Moms here I'm so sorry you're going through this. It shouldn't be like that b/c it takes two.
AS a MOM I say please society stop shaming women (and men) who choose NOT to become parents. To each his/her own.
Thank you!! Or those who may not have been able to.
They're jealous you don't have all the burdens and responsibilities they do.
Both sides deserve to not be judged and hold space for each other.
You need time for yourself too, get lots of self care its not being selfish.
If society still shames you for choosing NOT to become parents, you must ignore them while living alone. There are videos and websites that can teach you how to ignore.
Being a mom is a beautiful thing but being a mom with a lack of support is torture 😢 We are expected to just take it but guess what we didn’t make these kids by ourselves…no mother should ever be overwhelmed because there should be another parent doing their part.
Nah it's not a beautiful thing or fulfilling, that's just an excuse people say
Sometimes I just want to get in my car and keep driving. 😥😔
Oh man..I've felt this too many times. But then I'd break my own heart doing that.
My thoughts EVERYDAY....
I always dreamt of escaping to an island and travel by myself so I have some solitude timw
Yesssssss
Everytime I get overwhelmed, I just set in my car in my yard😒😒😒 just need that moment.
I do it a lot these days
Thank you for talking about this. No one wants to admit that motherhood is not a pleasure cruise and then they grow up and have their own lives. Make room for yourself no matter what. Kids and husband's will take, take, take.
I am the father who takes cares of the kids and house. Pretty common these days. Hurts and seems counterproductive to talk as if this affects only women for some reason. If you want a more equal culture then we cannot ignore basic empathy for a whole gender when talking about these issues. Talking about how this affects mothers is re-enforcing the very notion that women should be the only ones at home with the kids.
Lol pleasure cruise..no it is not..
Sarah R 👏👍
@@0ooTheMAXXoo0 I acknowledge that this is far from a woman's only issue. I will say though that I have never heard anyone expect the father to stay home with the child. Every woman I know in a stable relationship with a kid, including me got asked that. I will also say that just because I never heard it, fails to mean that people out there expect dads to stay home.
0ooTheMAXXoo0 you’re still very rare Sir but thank you for sharing
I have a friend who really wants to have a baby. They are trying to get pregnant. They love going out dancing, camping, traveling whenever they feel like it. She swears their life won't change and I feel sorry for when she realizes she'll never have the same freedom again. I hope she comes to her senses and accepts the huge changes that will happen, otherwise she'll be miserable.
Shes gonna regret having one. Everything will change for them.
Some people still manage to do it all with the help of family, if they have it. But nobody can assure it will all go as planned. There are travelling families, lucky ones who can adjust well to this lifestyle, but many people have autistic kids nowadays, who doesn't like changes and need lots of specialists, support.
True😂
I don't think she's gonna be happy unless the baby likes traveling too. Your whole world is shifted to your kids when you're a parent. Everything you do you have to think about how it affects them. When you become a parent you now have become someone else's rock. You're the nurse, the best friend, the shoulder to cry on, the chauffeur, the one to show them right from wrong, usually the one that's the first one up and the last one to go to sleep, and your alone time is gonna consist of what you can get before you have to wake up the next morning. I used to be tired all the time from staying up late to have alone time bc if I don't get it I'm less patient, I get irritated easily, and I get overwhelmed alot easier. I wish your friend luck but she's in for a rude awakening. Having a kid slows you down alot, your lifestyle changes alot, and your priorities for them become number one. With her lifestyle of doing whatever she wants whenever she wants that's gonna be gone when the baby gets here. It's gonna be a rough transition for her if she doesn't accept the truth.
Things done have to change, they can find a way to adjust
I can relate. Being a mom is lonely and we are afraid to tell others how we are feeling because of the fear of being judged. So many women suffer in silence.
Niki Lyons , its not that. My baby is well taken care of. He is still breastfeeding at 2yrs3mnths. Yet what I can still say is that a mom needs that moment when someone takes a moment to take care of mom. just a moment to reboot and recharge.
How true! No one is allowed to say how the loneliness is breaking their heart. But it is.
@@santacruzskirtswhy do you think we’re all so lonely?
This or people that don’t have children say things that upset me because they not understanding where you are coming from
You see what's weird is I don't like being around people too often. I am very creative and would rather be with animals or writing or painting.
I don’t think social media is the reason for social isolation, but rather one of the biggest symptoms of it. People use social media because they yearn for connection and it’s not getting met.
The problem is the way that society is built, with work and commute, as well as chores taking away from tim with others. We work for 8+ hours a day where we sometimes don’t even say a word to any co-workers all day. Then we commute home where we are alone in our cars and arrive home, exhausted, with nothing to talk about than work or what we saw during our commute.
As for mothers, all we end up talking about is our kids. And let’s get real, on those days where your kids have been nagging and fighting all day, making a mess and you’re just at your wits end, we still feel like we have to lie and tell everyone how blessed we feel and how our life finally has meaning since we have become mothers. This pressure is what drives mothers insane, not the fact that they have children, but the fact that they have to act like they’re perfect in order to not feel judged.
Agreed. Also, the social connections that one may have isn't always one that you can feel 100% comfortable talking about what you really feel that day or any day. Generally people like to talk about themselves or their experiences, very few excel at listening. A friend could be the answer, but finding "the one" isn't easy. Especially since most people spend more time on social media than they do talking to another person on the phone or in person.
Wow. That was remarkable. Yea its rediculous the financial needs to be met now in this world on a family.
Oh man do I agree with that! That is exactly why I am on social media so much. I love my kids I do! And I love staying at home with them, but to say that it isn’t deeply isolating a lot of times would be a lie. It’s such a bummer of a cycle! You are dead tired and have a packed day, so you choose sleep over going out with friends (or you simply don’t have the schedule and finances to do girls night out or date nights) and then you’re getting more sleep yes, but you’re also lonely and that can come with depression (which can make you feel even MORE tired and isolated) and it just spirals. My mother tells stories of when she was growing up the neighborhood women would all get together and take turns cleaning, they would do each house on rotation so that everyone got to have a turn watching the kids and everyone got to have a turn having their house cleaned. Can you imagine the love and community they must have had??
@@nalanihamby3710 wow, that sounds amazing. I wish I lived such a supportive community.
Mulan 121 me too! And that it was just a way of life for them makes it all the more mind blowing for me
Women who doesn't have children
Society: your going to regret it and be depressed
Moms: I'm so unhappy, stress etc.
Society: 🤨
@JPelikan are you a woman or a man?
@JPelikan yeah thought so.
@JPelikan so why did you not mention childless men in your comment then?
Single people. My life sucks. Im so alone . Im gonna die alone. Married people. Oh. I wish i was single i never get alone time
@@tinakuczaj3958
May i ask
Weather or not you have kids?
Or weather or not the man you are married to deserves to bare a child with ?
I just want to understand women's point of view on this
If you are not interested in sharing
Thanks anyway
Not to mention the mom of special kids
Yes I'm one of those Mom's and it's the most loneliest places to be.
@@bunnybunny1908 So sorry to hear that....
Omg YES
I have a 7 year old with Autism and he has alot of appointments. I also have 2 other children it can be alot. But I'm grateful all 3 children are healthy and thriving. Life is just tough period women just have that instinct to care for people
Yoko Delgado single mom on that place. I need to find a job to continue providing. Benefits, thank God for them, but that’s not enough. California is so freaking expensive. My daughter gets sick a lot and uhhhh... :,(
I'm so in love with being a mother, the reason why it's hard is simply because I don't feel appreciated or supported in this work I love.
You're sowing seeds of love. Hang in there, mom. It gets better -signed, a mother of six.
My mom died 11 years ago. I might not have been the most appreciative son in existence being the somewhat unexpressive person I am, but I didn't think any less. It's even more true now that she's gone.
But even though she's gone, I like to think that her legacy lives on through me, his son. And not even death will kill that love I have for her :)
Don't worry. Maybe there isn't any signs of it, but you're leaving your mark in your kid's memories. I'm saying that as a son of a loving mom :)
@@Jugdjay thank you so much for your message. I should add that not feeling appreciated doesn't come from my son, I don't expect appreciation from a child, my love for him knows no bounds as I'm sure your mother's love knew no bounds for you, it is such a deep love.
It's more that I feel society at large isn't built in a way to support mothers, especially stay at home or working part time mums. It's a big financial sacrifice to choose to stay home.
I've also been an unappreciative daughter, it's pretty common, but now as a mother I know that may cause frustration but absolutely no loss of love.
Trust me, your mum wouldn't have worried about this as much as you do ❤️
@@katebee945 I got a great remedy for feeling under appreciated as a Mom….Pay attn to how Dad’s get treated and represented .
@@scream1237 that's funny because my husband always gets praise for doing things that I'm never praised for! And I celebrate him on father's day but he's forgotten every mother's day 🤷🏻♀️ I agree that in the media father's aren't praised as much but it's generally because they're serving their children in a different way that's not quite as intense / hands on.
Mrs. Obama said it well. You can have it all but not all at the same time. Women are supposed to work full time, keep a clean house, cook, do all the work with kids. Be ready for action when you are dead tired. It's impossible.
Don't put preasure on yourself to be all at once. If you think you are one of those súper women, think again. If you mother all day, someone else brings home the bread. If you work to están money, someone else takes care of the child while you are at your other job (daycare is a business for a reason). And if you are handling both los and job at the exact same time (say remote work and childcare together) for more than 8 hours a day, then someone else is taking really good care of your husband. We are women, not robots, no one can be all at once doing it well, that is why kids need two parents to even be made. At least Two adults are required for every child.
Karen did you forget? We are judged when we aren’t good looking....this is happening in Europe
Karen Hardie and look good doing it all 😂
There are men who would love to be home witht the kids. We live in world where you have to compete to live and not many women can go into the world and come home without bringing those work issues into the home.
Many women go for jobs that are more interpersonal like social work, teacher, etc. Nothing Is wrong with it it's actually great for raising generations but for the family it's not gonna cut it.
Stop blaming the other partner and start looking at the reality of your situation. If you want him home more then don't ask to live in the higher priced neighborhood, don't ask get upset if your driving a 20yr old car that is out of style, stop complaining about (Christmas, Valentine's, Halloween, gifts in general).
Believe it or not men do alot to impress women. Most men go after the higher competing stressful jobs to have the resources needed for women.
gdolphy you are 100% right. 👍
As a married mother of three I spoke up and was either ignored or medicated. It was extremely painful, being made to feel like I was the problem. Not my workaholic husband,or my family/friends who abandoned me never checking on me. I'm glad people are starting to take notice but can't help but be sad I never got the same.
You need time for yourself too, get lots of self care its not being selfish.
im still going through it alone..speaking to my husband about just makes it worse
@@artsoffinanceforex3255how do you do it its so hard he just doesn’t listen seems like all men are just the same
@@artsoffinanceforex3255May I ask why does speaking to your husband make things worse?
Abandoned you? You’re a grown woman who decided to have kids. No one owes you anything, ma’am.
Stay at home mom. Sometimes I feel like every day is the same as the last.
Well it is a routine after all. It happens to me and I am not a mom 🤷🏻♀️ The point is: do you enjoy your routine? How can you improve it?
I don't have kids and I work from home and I feel that. It's just being a human. Just find someone YOU enjoy.
Its literally the end of a happy and sad life
Same here. I have never felt so isolated and unhappy. I feel bad admitting it but it’s true.
That's because it basically is 😞
Today, I drove my 6 year old to school and rushed back home to attend an online meeting, I am a project manager for a web3 startup and just now I finished washing our dishes from the entire day, and here I am unable to watch the entire video coz I'm so sleepy. Then I get a hug from my daughter saying: "Mom, it's time to sleep." And you know what, I'm the happiest.
All I've ever wanted was to find a loyal best friend. 25 years and I'm still alone! Where are you bestie
Nicole Johnson I’m here! 🤗
Nicole Johnson i hear ya ,
Nicole Johnson same except im 31
Nicole Johnson finally fate u stepped in!!! Am here😇😇😇
I'm 28 and although I have had besties they now both live over 100 miles away in opposite directions and when we meet up its not the same I don't feel connected to them any more
It just sounds like we are never happy. When we’re single and just working on goals something is missing we yearn for motherhood and marriage when we get it we’re still depressed. 😩😩😩😩🤦🏽♀️
tonim ohh that was a general statement I made not about me. I know who the lord Jesus Christ is, but how she’s describing motherhood scenario it seems that women are never happy.
tonim for sure everyone should seek the knowledge to build that relationship. ☺️☺️
tonim How do you explain atheists all over the world such as myself having happy and fulfilled lives? Please don’t bring religious rubbish in to this. Thank you!
Melissa S Morris To some extent it's human nature to want what we don't have, grass is greener on the other side scenario. When we're single we want a spouse, when we're married we long for our single days, when we're stay at home moms we wish we were working, when employed we wish we were home with our kids, when the kids are little we can't wait for them to get bigger, when they're grown we wish they were still kids. We need to stop wishing our lives away & try to be content with the here & now, but that's easier said than done. A little time to ourselves & introspection helps to bring perspective. Another issue is that we don't have to have it all, especially not all at once. Life is filled with many options & choices. I think often we're unhappy because we're not necessarily doing what WE truly want to do. We're busy trying to make others happy all the time & do what they say we should be doing, whether it's our parents, friends, spouses, pastors, teachers, coworkers, the media, etc. It can feel like we always fall short & are never enough - good enough, smart enough, crafty enough, fast enough, perky enough, pretty enough, whatever. It's exhausting & depressing trying to please others all the time. We need to be true to ourselves & make sure that what we're doing is what we really want to be doing. Of course, we all have to do things we don't want to do from time to time, tedious chores & whatnot or maybe we're burdened by past poor choices that include responsibilities that we can't shirk, but generally speaking, we need to make sure that what we're doing is as fulfilling & true to who & what we are as possible. Life is short & we only have one trip here, we all need to feel that we're growing & thriving & not just barely surviving.
Katarina S. You hit the nail on the head. This is so true. I couldn’t of said it better.
I have a special needs child , I often hear things like " it don't know how you do it ." And " if it we're my child he'd be in a home , have you considered that ." I feel disconnected on a whole other level , Misunderstood and judged by other parents for something they don't understand . As a result I keep to myself .
Tamara Shilling .
I also have a special needs son that is going to be 38 years old. I can’t have a life because it’s too hard caring for my son and trying to have friends or even be a friend, I also keep to myself.
I completely understand I have a special needs son as well, two but one far worse than the other in most ways intellectually and verbally. I feel like a single parent most days but I have a great husband I’ve wanted divorce so bad at time just to get a solid day or two without my kids. I hate pulling him in and out of school teetering on every decision I make for them because I’m not sure of anything when it comes to them. I’m lost and confused and alone but in my heart I want to be the best for them. Keep searching videos of parents of special needs it helps me be okay with myself. I hope things get better for you.
Currently feeling the same way I have a special needs daughter
Aw. ❤️ Hugs, mama.
This isn’t a motherhood problem this is a loss of community problem, faced by mother and fathers, women and men. This is a problem facing many in the modern world.
I can agree with that. I wonder if that's why so many men seem upset by this video? Maybe they feel the same way but can't express that because of course men have even less allowance to be vulnerable than women do. I can understand that.
Hit the nail on the head. When I was a kid, people would come over. Neighbors, friends, and family would come over and we'd go to their houses sometimes. No big plans, just quick get togethers for a bit. Kids would come knock and ask "can Arthur play?" I would go to their houses and ask the same. This is before phones and the internet. There may be some male vs female differences, but on the whole, life after the internet was a HUGE shift for all humans. Same for life after phones. This technology has caused a tectonic shift in social behavior, and I agree 100% " this is a loss of community problem, faced by mother and fathers, women and men. This is a problem facing many in the modern world"
There is no longer a community anymore and it's sad. We need that again more than ever.
No, it's a motherhood problem. Go away with that! This TED Talk is specifically about the isolating nature of motherhood!
Very True. Grandparents who dont feel obligated to fulfill their role and just "visit for holidays" and "call once a week". Granmas should reture when they become a grandma and grandpas take all the finances. And siblings that prefer to be "childless" and dont check in or help. Really, brokeness in familes creates incredible loneliness for sahms.
For me, I think a lot of the sadness comes from an adjustment from thinking about your self interests and what makes you happy all the time, to putting everyone else's needs first and yourself last and not finding balance. There is no other job like motherhood-you worry, you lose sleep, you have to be on point at all hours, or your kids suffer.
Makelle B thank you for this comment. So much this, yes.
facts. The self sacrificing is what brings misery.
@@VisionOfThePhoenix thanks for commenting, I think I would have thought that when I was single, but now that I have children, for me it's actually the opposite. You just have to find balance. You do end up self-sacrificing a lot when you're a mother, that is a big part of being a mother, but when you're able to carve out time for yourself as well, it helps. But, anything worthwhile is going to be a lot of hard work, no matter what it is. And you do end up sacrificing a lot of your wants when you do pretty much anything in life that is difficult.
I agreed w/ your entire comment. The balance part as well with the sacrificing of putting others before self. I'm a SAHM of 5. Definitely difficult but also there is no better way to create healthy wholesome children.
@@VisionOfThePhoenix I'm a SAHM of 5 too!!! 😊
It sucks when you’re the only friend reaching out. It made me cut back a lot
Please let me reach out to you. We can sigh together.
Same like I started to feel embarrassed like they don’t want to talk to you
I understand. I was reaching out to people and they wouldn't reply. So eventually I stopped.
Same. I thought I had friends but I guess not
Exactly
I love my littles, but honestly i feel my life ended when i became a parent. I have a 2, 3, and 5 year old.
Don’t have children if you love sleeping and traveling.
Some people have the idea of one child to balance their other desires in life. It may work.
I’m so sorry, I was just discussing the type of feeling you described with a girlfriend. Pray you find your balance and this feeling eases. Hugs
There’s this really cool show I recommend you watch, it’s called travel with kids.
Dont worry i already do neither of those things
@@richardcarte139 so you can end up taking care of kids instead of enjoying the trips, it is even worse than taking care of them at home
Motherhood is psychologically demanding due to the level of selflessness required. Being selfless doesn’t come naturally. That’s just the truth of it. So moms shouldn’t feel guilty. The reward is worth it in the end. Housewives need a lot of love and support because it dang sure ain’t easy.
Folding laundry as I listen to this
Sheena Frogoso Same!
Picking up the kids as I listen 😀
Amen!
I should be folding laundry now
Sheena Frogoso me too!
I've been a single mom to my three kids for 10 years. The most difficult thing I've ever done, however it is rewarding, but I completely lost myself after motherhood. There's days where I don't do anything for myself like I used to, I used to love doing make up because I was a make up artist, and now I don't ever really do my make up anymore. I don't have the energy to really go anywhere when people invite me, so people stop inviting out. I wake up so early and I'm a stay at home mom so I'm literally with them every day every second of the day, so by 7:00 PM I'm already yawning and ready to go to bed, just to start it all over again the next day. I lost friends, I even lost a lot of family members because during all of these tough times in my life, I developed depression and anxiety and no one helped or even reached out to ask if i needed anything or if i was ok. I became so lonely, and tried over the years to date and meet new people, but it never worked out because no one really wants to date someone who never has time, or energy to do anything. I've always said that the saddest thing about motherhood is remembering who I was before I had my kids. I was a completely different person, granted I have learned so much from my kids and from being a mother, I have a grown so much and matured a lot over the years, and I have a reason to live and to strive to be better everyday, but deep down I still haven't been able to let go of the happy, carefree, free spirit girl i used to be.
I can relate to this as well.
I regret having my son...became a single mom in a foreign country far from my family and almost with no friends...sometimes I dont know how I manage...I became a different person
I can relate to you and I have only one kid
@@sandycairo9409 I'm single mother in my own country, but still it's very hard. There must be some other mom in similar situation out there, but I didn't find her yet. Everyone have husband and family around, so not much time to hang out, and busy on the weekends. But only one person would be enough
I feel this so hard.
I’m not a single mom but, us non single moms have our own struggles equal to the others. A dependent husband and juggling relationship stuff w the kids and elsewise that’s been discussed is just as heavy. ESP when there’s no family around. We all need to support one another instead of breaking eachother down ❤️
i can relate to your hospital fantasy... when I had a c-section and was put in the hospital, I loved it! I was stuck in a thankless marriage and being stuck at the hospital felt like I was in a 5 star hotel and given 5 star care. Hats off to the care givers.
I can definitely relate to this. I was induced with all 3 of my kids and couldn't wait to go to the hospital. It was nice having someone take care of me.
Same with me, wow. I felt like I was so special in hospital and not cooking every night was like being on holidays.
I had my gall bladder removed, staying in the hospital for three days after having my third baby five weeks earlier. Felt like a vacation.
Sometimes I feel that motherhood (in our society) it’s a Trap!!! I remember being single, enjoying my life, going out flirting, working being happy and from the othr hand I was looking at moms with little kids and they seemed so sad, depressed .. most of them! I have the super power of feeling people so deeply and I was feeling sorry for them & promised to myself that when and if I want to have children in the future will consider carefully the circumstances. 5 years later I had a pregnancy by accident and I got so surprised and confused! I had my baby, he is 18 months I love him so much but oh my god, what a rollercoaster motherhood is. I never felt more unhappy & happy in the same time in my life ! Right now trying to have balance with everything, hubby , family, friends being useful in our company.. let’s hope I’ll make it but it’s a constant battle
Good luck, it never gets easier...wish someone would have said that to me ❤
If your entire existence is focused on how happy you are, then you’re too selfish for parenthood anyway.
@@Sheana719LincolnFamilyMan this I just wish I would’ve thought a little more just wish
I also think we believe that we HAVE to start a family. We are taught that from birth. Women are..... anyone agree? I’m a mom and I love being one but it’s not for everyone.
Yes, there are SO many things to do in life! Couldn't children be taught /shown a wider variety of options? Why are they still Railroaded and Forced into marriage and children? When you read internet comments you find out there are SO MANY people raised in unbelievably painful, abusive circumstances. .. and the PAIN they carry with them as adults is just mind-boggling. It's because Parenting Is Not For Everyone. Children are People. Open up their options, please.
Totally agree with you. Motherhood is very tough and gets little recognition. It's not for everyone ... But people assume you are ' missing something' if you are a female without children . I don't have children and am content , fulfilled and I love my life!
Yes! I can't imagine having kids, and I don't think any possible future kids would appreciate the halfway or (hopefully silently) unhappy job I would make of it. It would be selfish of me to have kids to check a box so society would approve of me.
that is very true. Especially if your the first born and a girl. It was always expected of me when I got married to start having children and for 5 years I thought I wanted childern until I realized that mother hood isnt for me and I perfectly fine with no childern and prefer it that way
It isn't about being a mom, fathers face the same problems when they are the ones staying home with the kids.
Human infants have a far too long childhood to be taken care just by one person (generally the mother). We are social primates and should raise our children in community. That used to be the case in rural extended families and communities, and it is still the way many indigenous tribes keep raising their children. That’s the only healthy way to deal with the long period of dependence of human children, allowing different adults to deal with the kid’s needs. The base problem is that disfunctional arrangement we call “nuclear family”, a social product of urban, industrial societies.
🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
Couldn't agree more. Yet modern models of family in a capsule prevent this. We don't even connect with the rest of our families!
Only problem is kiddy diddlers. Can’t be too careful these days. TRUST NO ONE
johnwaters777 very well said
johnwaters777 I could not agree more. I was just thinking that the single-family home is unnatural. Then again it's unnatural for a creature like us to have no predators and tribalism often leads to war. So, nothing is perfect. Just have to make the best of what is.
I feel the pressure of having kids. I value marriage and traveling. Me time. I love my sleep. I have several autoimmune disorders activated by stress. Sometimes I feel like I should but I don’t think I could handle it. Motherhood isn’t for everyone. 🙌🏼
This is helpful young dad here trying to be a better person for my daughter and lady. Thank You ✌
Junior Cruz That is AMAZING that you are actively searching and trying to do more for them. There are so few that do 😩
Hallelujah! 🙏👏👏👏👏❤
That is super sweet Junior.🥰Your daughter and lady are fortunate to have such a self-reflective man in their lives.😍
You Sir, Are A King
💜💯
Being isolated is a gift!! The energy it takes to hear non sense and drama is much more draining than being isolated and self taught. I'm a stay at home mom, work from home and i am absolutely happy!
Dee A eh... I felt that way in my 20s and 30s as I homeschooled my children. I didn't realize how isolated I was until they became adults and I began to understand the damage staying home had done to my social life, my self-esteem and my individuality
Sounding like a true introvert 😁
Dennis Alarcon what??
Go You! And look up 'introverted mums'. Yes, we're a thing. (Though I confess, I do love connecting on an authentic level with others, just one-on-one, just every now and then). ;)
I agree! Alone time is so underrated!
This is for moms and dads cause we ALL need support
Glad you mentioned mom's and dad's, Avery one forget to mention the man in this as if a woman is depressed the man is happy😕 right away the man will feel the same as this depressing surrounding gets spill over to the rest of the people in the home. And then there is the question of a girlfriend that one might have and will a single girlfriend understand you or is the cause perhaps for more problems in a merried couple, sometimes one has to ask himself a question of do I need friend that may cause problems or not, one has to remember you can have 100 buddies but true friends only few and it is damn hard to find the few especially in today's world. All the best from Poland, cheers.
That happened to me. When I was in the hospital for 6 days I felt I was on Vacation. I am now a Christian and I know I am not alone anymore. God is good.
Beautiful testimony.
I’m 23 and I’m 6 months postpartum and these are the things I wish I knew before getting pregnant. And not because I wish I never had my kid but because if I knew I would’ve waited a little longer.. life is so overwhelming when you add a dependent human to it it’s insane. The breastfeeding, worrying about baby products/ clothes, the stages and all of the changes that come with it every single week. Then having to be super woman at work and at home. I think about a divorce at least twice a day because me and my husband just don’t have that spark anymore. Going back to work.. oh going back to work after the 3rd month, sleep deprived and sad with all of the body changes and how people would see me was the worst thing I’ve even been through.
Power and light to all women who’s a pro at this because I can’t seem to understand this is my new life and purpose 😔 god bless all mamas
Moms are miserable because being a parent is really hard, thankless, constant work and most people regret it! (Although few would admit to it.) I am happy to say I chose the child-free life. Winning!
Solution: Don't have children if most of what it'll bring you is unhappiness.
Procreation is NOT an obligation.
Most people don’t realise it will bring them unhappiness until they actually have them, and by then it’s too late
It's a sacrifice. You do it because your heart is in it. In the end its worth it. The days go by slow & the years pass so fast.
I love my kids and would never change having them. They haven't brought me unhappiness and I would never put something like that on them. Parenthood can be challenging and its not for everyone, but dont blame the kids.
@@HANA-mw1rf if someone is not willing to make the "sacrifice" you have no say in it. In indian society sati (burning women after the husband's death) was considered a noble sacrifice will you be willing to do it?
@KiddRogers so true
People don't want friendships! I have tried over, and over, and over...
Right it's all about the level up 💰
I'm fine with being lonely. I'm not fine with being a mother.
What bold faced lie! Stop kidding yourself princess. 🥴
Same!! Just cant be a mother
Many women are clingy and emotionally dependent on others, which is one reason why they feel the need to become mothers. They have the false hope that their children will somehow emotionally support them. They soon find out that their children will disappoint them and emotionally drain them.
Great comment!
Marília Diniz why are you here?
Because people who aren’t mothers have every right to hear about those who are if they want to.
"I won't let "busy" build walls that keep me away from other people". AMEN isolation created depression and anxiety. Connection is healing.
Tina M Fam yes 🙏
Hello,
How’s your day going?😊☕️🌹
Tina M Fam
Tina! I can’t believe I found you on here. 😂👍🏻 This is Genevieve from Logan.
@@VivKittie32 great minds think alike! haha
What if isolation is healing because your surrounded by negative people that you cannot cut off?
Thanks for the video. I was a stayed home mom for years living a lonely and exhausted life. Not only I was not recognized for the sacrifices I made for the family, people including my husband thought I had an easy life. Now my kids are growing up, they ‘re grateful for what I did for them. Don’t let others put you down for doing the right thing.
Violet Blue you hit the nail on the head. My husband acts like I'm pampered and privileged. Refuses to spend real quality time with our child because he works and I stay home with her. And reading your comment, I realize that's why. He thinks I've got it easy. Never considering that I've never wanted to be a SAHM. That I was reluctant to have a child at all because I loved my field and wanted to pursue that passion. Anyway, it's not a solution but it's nice to be able to identify the problem. It's nice to know I'm not the only mom out there that feels this way. I have friend's and family who tell me how lucky I am and how grateful I should be to get to stay home. And I am glad for the time with my daughter, of course. But I don't feel like it's a matter of being lucky, more that it's a sacrifice I've accepted while my child is young.
Jessica Gabrielle Bly Dear Jessica, thank you. As busy as you probably are, it’s important that you take good care of you physical and mental health. Even though I was very busy, I tried to stay in touch with the world and continued to update my knowledge. I also managed to spend time on skincare. I had job offer from my present employer even though I did not work for a long time. My kids are growing up so I started working part time now. As reliable as I feel about my husband, relying on someone financially made me feel insecure. Take care.
Yeah. I HATE when as a housewife people ask you what you do all day..as though their lives are better. Working at home and working in an office are both work. Actually being a stay at home more is more emotionally draining .
TheBooty28 The difference is that career women commute and work all day outside the home, THEN have to come home and squeeze into the few precious remaining hours the homemaking you have have all day to do. The standards of cleanliness and nutrition don’t change just because the wife has a job, and men generally contribute little extra to the household just because their wife
Works.
@M Vanity exactly lol sure is drainig, but so as many other jobs
It's interesting that this video didn't mention how involved the husband is in raising children. As someone who doesn't have children and doesn't want them either, just from my observations of people on my daily commute I can tell that there is still not equality in child rearing and household chores. A lot of the men seem quite happy and content reading their newspapers on the commute and talking about their hobbies (golf, football etc), whilst the working mothers look tired and haggered and only ever talk about their children and childcare, as this consumes so much of their time that they have no time for anything else, including hobbies! Many men in the UK choose not even to take all of their 2 weeks paternity leave, even though it's fully paid, and only a small proportion decide to go down to part-time work, even though men and women now earn roughly the same prior to having children. No wonder women with children are struggling and many young women are being put off having children at all these days!
Exactly!!!!
I blame women for this. We love to be in this high fake energy that we can do it all. It's rubbish, but it feeds our ego. We allow our husbands to be external in the process which places all the pressure on us.Women are trying to live up to a role that was written in fairtayles
That’s a dangerous commute, driving and reading the paper.
My husband spends his weekends watching movies and resting. I spend my weekends cleaning, cooking and doing laundry.
I was ganna say I think you need to make sure you have a good partner if you are going to decide to start a family.
I think I have called out for help so many times since giving birth last year and most people who say they are here to help, like counselors, really didn’t listen to what I was telling them. I said I was miserable and they said “that’s common for new mothers,” but in a way that sounded to me like “get over it.” I put my career on hold for this kid and nobody (looking at you, husband) ever told me thank you. The sleep deprivation really got to me after nearly 21 months and I gave in. I’m looking for daycares and going back to work. My kid is usually super bored at home anyway, since we live in a tiny apartment. I would have rather had relatives come over to play or grandparents take her out time to time, but nobody ever offers, and I don’t have any friends. I moved to this town five years ago and, since I worked from home, I went from having a ton of friends to zero friends and few chances to make them. Last year was one of the most difficult years of my life. I love my child more than anything in the world but I absolutely hate motherhood, and I hate how much of myself I lost in the process.
You need time for yourself too, get lots of self care its not being selfish.
Thank you for your honesty. I hope things are better for you now. ❤
@@daniela_5542 Ended in a divorce, haha. My kid is great but her dad wasn’t interested in parenting so we split. Remarried, new guy is much more family oriented and life is returning to normal. (how depressing to see this post again… such a sad time for me)
Your story sounds so much like mine! I have zero relatives or friends that have offered to come help us. It’s a struggle taking care of a high energy toddler three pets a demanding husband and a house. I thought my life would be better if I put her in daycare and find a part time job.
Just so I could escape the day in and day out cooking and cleaning. I’ve lost my sense of purpose and self.
That’s why many moms have drinking problems. I have Dealt with depression for the past 17 years since raising children. I’m 42 and going back to school to become an LPC and it’s my time. I have been so disconnected from the world and I have no friends. This will change bc it’s my time now in my 40s!!
Sheryl Gonzalez Ziegler thank you so much!
I got that mindset recently and I'm almost 30.
To all the moms, working moms, moms to be, all women in general. Keep up the good work, keep living your lives. Love each other! Raise each other up! No matter what life you lead, you are somebody and your life is worth living!
Why direct that at women as if there are no men in the same situation? Do you really need to perpetuate the gender roles so hardcore? Would it not be better if things were more equal? If you want more equality then you have to act that way yourself.
@@0ooTheMAXXoo0 She doesn't want equality obviously. Don't give VVomen like her the free attention they *DESPERATELY NEED* man. Stay strong!
My mom never saw the good in me in anything. I joined the military for 22 years and retired, she’s never supported me on anything, tried to destroy my friendships. She’s not a good person to be around and has wanted to keep me from being out in the real world. Some folks want to say she’s trying to protect me but it’s definitely manipulation.
Narcissistic mother. I had one and ditched her at 18. Been no contact ever since
No children and no marriage and I LOVE IT!! Age 36. All I worry about is booking my next full body massage and the coffee shop to work on my business. Saving money and investing in my future.
Yo go girl, we're not missing out on a damn thing 😊🎉
Too Much-Online enjoy the poppy diapers, the vomit, the stress, the debt and sleep deprivation ❤️
You're name IS mimi (me-me) 🙂
Your living your BEST LIFE!!!
Everyone has their priorities Some people enjoy children some don't.
I was a single mom for 15 years and had one son who just graduated. I was young then. I couldn't do it now at 44. Now, I'm alone. He's raised. I did the best I could. He's a handsome, happy, smart, creative kid.... I gave it all I could! I loved this talk! Thank you for enlightening women to find their tribe. I will take this advice and talk to heart! Thank you kind lady!
Congratulations, Mary!
Awesome. Single mothers are awesome....
You need time for yourself too, get lots of self care its not being selfish.
If grown adults are going to be addicted to the absurdity that is social media, then what do they expect other than isolation and depression? I got onto Facebook at the insistence of my sister but it didn't take me long to realise what an awful disease it is. I turned my back on it five years ago and haven't missed it once. I've been happier and more productive since, while my sister is still addicted and feeling it's harmful effects on herself, her family and her home.
Women have been dealing with loneliness and isolation since before the internet.
@@Pirategirl4nightwish Exactly, great point.
I have no social media :) and its fantastic 👌 thats the way it should be. I wish my spouse could do the same
"Beware the barrenness of a busy life." - Socrates
Our forebears accepted death as fact of life. I think we have accepted loneliness as a fact of ours - and yet we've never been so busy. This woman makes a lot of sense. We're all lethally distracted by getting things done, yet we're not doing those things together since we disbanded our tribes.
I’m childfree by choice. It’s sad to look in from the outside to see moms judging one another. This video made me cry. I support all mothers and you need to support one another. Feminism is about being able to make choices and live life as you’d like whether that’s at home or in career. Life is not for procreating. Life is not for working. It’s for experiencing.
You can be open and real with your feelings. Stop saying it’s the best job ever and stop judging those who choose different paths just as an affirmation to hide your true feelings of loneliness and lack of fulfillment. If you really loved it you wouldn’t have to defend it over and over.
Too many holes in your statemenr
愛HiImAmii Those aren’t real feminists. Just like a woman can choose to work, she can choose to stay home too.
@@catgirl6803 They are feminists all the same.
❤️❤️❤️
Well put...❤
Sounds like good advice for extravert people. I’m an introvert who gets exhausted pretty quick from having to talk to people. I do feel isolated from time to time but I choose that over having tot socialize any day.
Same. Mingling exhausts me. Would rather have the occasional loneliness moments than the stress of keeping friendships.
Same. Small talk is crigeful for me
It’s not the loneliness that gets me as much as the boredom. As an introvert I don’t mind solitude and occasional socializing but Jesus what do I do with the hours and hours of monotonous repeating of our lives? And then the anxiety that my son is bored. And I’m probably projecting his boredom cause I’m bored. I definitely don’t ask for help as much as I should, but constantly putting everyone else first feels like my problems are never over.
Being an introvert and a mother is honestly the most difficult thing for me. It really needs to be talked about more.
I’m not even a mother, but this was a good reminder on the value of friendship!
amen. im a mother of 2, and been a mother since 17
When she talks about the bliss of chilling out and watching tv and not having to do dishes or laundry I thought man... that’s what my life is like basically every day as a child free by choice individual 😊
SAME!!! I want kids in the future but not now. (Im 26) I'm enjoying my freedom and not taking it for granted.
Child free and loving life!!! No regrets here! I just watch videos about how unhappy people with kids are, it tells me I'm making the right decision to not have children.
I want my life to be filled with people and purpose... Not a bunch of memories of chill time.
@@carleyhawker221 that's great! I do too but the odds of the marriage imploding into a giant dumpster fire are too high. And that's a risk I'm not willing to take. Of course there are success stories, and I hope you and your marriage are one of them. Good luck! 👍
@@carleyhawker221 yup! I’m so glad we both get that - mine looks different than yours. It’s filled with very deep and meaningful and purposeful time spent with all my family - especially my neice and nephews. I get to pour into them in a very special way that most aunts don’t get to do because they are too busy being a mom. I have a childfree aunt who did that with me and she has a very full blessed life with close relationships with her nieces and nephews.
Buuut - I also get to travel the world and indeed - have a lot of chill time enjoying the relationship with my husband. Absolutely no apologies there.
As a mother of three I can definitely relate;) Without going round in circles - a few weeks ago, after being depressed, anxious and with exactly zero energy to deal with the simplest of tasks for several years, I realised that when I do not start putting myself first, I will die. Maybe not literally, but die. I did not recognize the person I became. I did not like the person I became. I was angry ALL the time and I was angry I was not able to change, I did not have anyone to help or to talk about how I felt without feeling totally incompetent. I fell to the bottom. Then something shifted. I realised I cannot go like this anymore. That it is not selfish to put yourself first. And I started to look for answers, solutions. Parenting is not an easy job, but also, I could not imagine my life without kids. I know it may sound cheesy, but even in the worst days I could feel that having kids has its purpose. They are here to teach me, I am merely here to guide them. They are here to show me the unconditional love that I was not able to give myself for most of my life. And now the great stuff - if you find yourself few minutes a day, even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom, read the book “Liberated parent, liberated children.” I am only halfway through and I can say the principles explained there are a pure gift. The situations which made me furious previously are now opportunuties for each of us - the kids, the parents to learn. Learn how to be ourselves, how to define ourselves in OUR own terms and eventually, how to live the life we dream about and deserve. No exagerration. Love to all parents who dont give up and stand from the ashes each morning ❤️ Zuzana, Slovakia
I had friends once....then I became a mom.
Let the judging commence....
@@drsherylziegler all my old friends had ulterior motives. But I understand what you're saying
So real. Same happened to me.
Why do you gals make babies and then whine about it? And why bother with involving yourself with men since they make you so unhappy, just marry a girlfriend and things will be perfect!
@@michaelmelling9333 oops, well you and your delusional comment. Boy on boy girl on girl = suicide. Go see a psychiatrist.
Sarah _ what..
Still feel like we are way behind in the sharing of responsibilities. I don't hear men complaining about balancing everything. Most of the time they don't have to. It should be equal chores, kids, all of it. Why do they get to have a caregiver?
Men don't complain because they don't like to bear the burden on their partner. That's one thing women can definitely work on.
Kalyssa my husband complains! I keep things to myself more.
@@kalykalypso Men complain from the moment they open their eyes in the morning after their 10 hours of sleep 'til the moment they go back to sleep.
Agreed
Kalyssa S I agree, men can feel tortured by a sense of failure that they are not perfect providers. Men don’t want to be a burden and this why they don’t share their feelings more. The good ones at least.
I am so happy that I choosed a childfree life.
Same
Real
I’d rather die.
the population control junkie love this
Probably a good thing ha chose*
A couple of weeks after our daughter was born my partner moved out of the sleeping room, because he „needed more undisturbed“ sleep.
My day starts at seven am and ends at around ten pm when our daughter finally sleeps. But I am too tired then to even talk to anyone.
During babytime I lost contact to the last of my friends who either have families themselves and therefore no time, or who don’t have kids and are not able to understand why I can’t meet them at flexible times.
I am never really alone the whole day and I long for some solitude but at the same time I feel so incredibly lonely. I know that I had postpartum depression and still are depressed but there was simply never any free time to take care of myself.
Now I have six hours for myself every monday morning and I no longer know what to do. I could clean the apartment and do laundry and everything but I am soo exhausted and don’t want to use my free time to work. But there is no one I could talk to or no one I could meet because everyone else is working.
Then I thought I should go out and get my nails done or something like that, but I couldn’t even do that because I thought: „What for? My colleagues at work? They don’t care how my nails look. My partner? He wouldn’t even notice. For myself? I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror because the pregnancy changed me so much, nice nails would never be able to cover that up…“
Would I have known how this child will change my life I might have thought about having it. I love her more than anybody else in this world but the price was damn high. I lost myself. I feel like I have no identity anymore.
Waaaaahhhhh
Because of this if you could hire more baby sitters there would be less problems for you but possibly you don't have money
I have some great friends...that I never see or talk to. It is exhausting to have friendships. To have friends you need to be a good friend. Right now I can't be a good friend. You can't give what you don't have (time, patience, energy ect.) I keep in contact with people and see them periodically so when kids are older I still have those relationships.
Megan Haroldson soooo accurate ✌🏻
Megan Haroldson sounds like
Me
I understand what you said
I've only been a mom for 15 months and this hits too hard. Especially the part about feeling alone and loaded with responsibility. I always feel like I have two kids instead of one.
My bf is sitting in the room playing the video game so, I'm going to casually turn this up....
Go in, put the baby in his arms, and tell him you are going to take a bath. If he knocks on the door, tell him that is strike one and that if you get to strike three he can pack his stuff and go back to living with him mom since that is what he wants, a mom and not a partner. Start now, don't wait until it is too late and he can't even microwave his own food.
@@mandlerparr1 Oh I put him out about a week ago.
The first two years are the hardest! Fifteen months can feel like a lifetime, haha! It can be rough, no matter how long you’ve been doing it :) I hope you can leave the baby with someone and go out with some girlfriends. It has saved my life! Haha!
@shea Williams I'm sure your baby looks like a foot.. Remember what you said... not all babies are cute.
Mine does the same thing. Now he's single. Lol. Life is much better.
I'm a stay at home mom, work from home, one kid, and I love it!!
Cosmic K
One kid is the secret, most of these moms have 4 kids under 5 and wonder why their overwhelmed. Don't feel like you need to have all your kids at once.
@@jellybeans9283 You're right. One is enough, but if I had more, gotta find a way to make it work with whatever challenges you put yourself in to.
I am a stay at home mom, work from home. three kids and loving life
What do you do working from home?
This is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell my husband! That I want to make friends because I feel kinda lonely. And not just friends but close friends. It’s so important to socialize!
Same here I am a Mom of two and I also work but still have a loneliness
@@christiham9822 I’m glad that I’m not alone. I do have a lot of acquaintances who have kids around the same age as mines and wanting to do a play date or something but it never happens.
I spend a lot of time cultivating friendships. I have one child at home and a fledgling career. I am always exhausted and my house is a mess. Modern life feels impossible!
Amen. Mothers are harshly judged by EVERYONE EVEN OTHER MOMS who may be struggling too.
Very interesting. I’m a single mom to two little boys and I have never felt more isolated in my life. It’s the most bizarre thing. The loneliness is pretty crushing. Hoping it gets better. 😓
Anna J it gets better, I promise...
You need time for yourself too, get lots of self care its not being selfish.
Hello Anna,I am equally a mum of two adorable daughters ,and I feel like I am struggling with my identity. It is hard
I also agree that we are lacking supportive community that allowed humanity to raise kids for a very long time.
Now we are isolated, overwhelmed, unprepared and unsupported.
After thinking about all of this, I reached out to some other moms in my neighborhood that I had spoken to at kid events but never really spent time with beyond that, and we got together and just talked and laughed and shared. We had always talked about getting together but just never did. These are moms that I have lived next door to and across the street from for nearly three years! Thank you for encouraging moms to do what *sounds* so easy, but all too often gets deprioritized!
Laura Whelan yes AND it would be nice if the guys got together at another house and they can hang out too.
@@jessicalt4121 or just leave the kids with the dads,so the mother will have a time for herself
It needs a little effort, and innitiativity ..but l swear its worth it
You need time for yourself too, get lots of self care its not being selfish.
As a working mom it’s so easy to fall into the trap of believing you are too busy to make time for girlfriends but we have to question why we don’t prioritise it. Is it because we are hiding? Are we afraid of being judged? Are we just too tired? We have to really challenge what we are putting first because connection should be on top of your list for emotional and mental wellbeing. Amazing moms reach out and say hello to someone today. They too are probably feeling time poor and need to know that you are thinking of them too ❤
I absolutely love being a mom! I have 2 precious little girls. I stayed home with them for almost 6 yrs. I tell them all the time that being a mom is the hardest but best job in the world. Before becoming a mom I worked in intensive care & emergency dept nursing. Being a mom is harder than those jobs bc you are so invested in your children. Shaping tiny human lives is a huge responsibility. They are perfect little innocent beings when they are born & you are their mentor, caretaker, protector, role model, best friend, comforter, provider, etc etc etc. That being said, it is incredibly challenging, every day. And the guilt you feel when you’re not the perfect mom is brutal. I try to remind myself that when I am struggling it’s important to give myself grace, bc my girls are watching & learning & my hope is that they will do the same for themselves some day. I love you K & M, forever!
So why did you watch this video if your so overwhelmed with the joy of motherhood?
@@christierennard4838 curiosity mainly
Being a mom isn't the hardest job. Being a father is the hardest job.
@@thedude6435 that depends. For my ex, being a “father” was quite easy. I couldn’t even leave them alone with him to take a shower
@@cloverstylez I guess you're right, it depends. If what you say is true, then that's what I would call a bad father. I guess what I meant is that being a good father is the hardest job. It obviously was for your ex.
After my divorce, I was completely isolated and turned to alcohol to come with the demands of single parenting of 4 girls while my ex husband re-married and started a new family. I had no one to talk to about what was going on.
Crystal evans 😥❤ I feel for you sis 🙏🙏🙏
I hope you’re doing better mama ♥️
I hope u doing well
Who filed for divorce and why?
How are you crystal
“The regret of having a kid will be greater than the regret of not having a kid”- someone’s UA-cam comment. I will always remember this.
This made me realize that even if we have a couple ppl that we can call for help in an emergency, that doesn’t mean we aren’t lonely. In fact, if we don’t have ppl around us that can SEE that help is needed without us having to ASK, that is living a lonely life. How eye opening!
Got a little teary when she said we mostly feel like failures and frauds... Yeah, that hit hard
I didn't realise this was so widespread. I thought it was just me. Pregnant mother of 2, stay at home mum, homeschooler and living in the countryside. All my family and friends live in the city which is an 8 hour drive from my house. Its a beautiful place to live but I'm so isolated and lonely. Been very depressed and unmotivated and marriage has suffered.
Hugs ❤
I am not a mom, but my mom wants me to have children. She is lonely and she send to think that the cure to loneliness is having a child. Is there some truth in this? Are children good company or help with loneliness? I know it seems silly to ask this but I really don’t know if life without children is unfulfilled
@@shobanana1
Do what YOU want, not your mother
As corny as it sounds, God is now my best friend. All the “best friends” that I’ve had in my life have let me down. I no longer rely on people, places and things to fulfill me - because being a working mom and wife is hard and i simply can not afford to be resentful. So, I rely on a power greater than myself.
Sarah Ellis I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way because I believe it’s important to walk two steps in another person’s shoes before we hand out advice but going to church on Sundays and joining the married women in church is a tremendous joy. I one is the same and I don’t have kids (37) but I am a foreigner who moved to the USA 6 years ago. Being with a Church family has made the world of a difference because I’m extremely introverted. Growing with other women in faith is just so awesome. But I have to put a deliberate effort into meeting with other ladies and sharing time together. Not sure where you are at with that. Perhaps you do, I wouldn’t know but there are Christ loving girls out there that will love to spend time with you. :) God Bless!
marguerite wheatley thank you. How nice of you to take the time to share that. ❤️ I will definitely consider your words of wisdom.
God is my best friend too, but girlfriends are still so important. I just have to realize no one but God can be my everything so I have boundaries with my friends and I realize with all their faults I can love them anyways. God bless
Sarah Ellis ❤️🙏🏼
Sara Bowman Brown ah thank you for your input. I now have a new input and way to look at the people around me❤️❤️
I''m a single mom and I so resonate with this video. With my career and taking care of the kids, I literally have no time to myself. I find myself exhausted and emotionally drained. When people ask me about myself I don't even know who I am outside of being a mother. I promised myself that I will self care every chance that I get and do things that make me happy, but I still struggle with the mom fatigue.
You need time for yourself too, get lots of self care its not being selfish.
So now we all agree we feel this way, where are support groups to help us deal with this?
That's something that should be discussed at baby showers honestly.
I literally just burst into tears about 3 minutes in 💔😭 I’ve been on the edge of a breakdown for about 3 years. Something has to change.
It’s time society started talking about this and recognizing burnout.
I hope you can find some peace ❤️
No name problem. Life hard and people make it harder. Being a mom is a great Job with no pay no sick days no rest until we pass. People judge, ridicule and etc while many women have experience post partum and post traumatic syndrome and don't even know it. Some have it good some have it bad some are just acting. I just feel if one woman express hurt or loneliness- help. And never be too proud to receive that help. If hired help is needed find one to fit you budget just keep the children busy just to have an hour to yourself. I provide those services to mothers Because it is needed
Bibi Crom absolutely. Moms can hire a mother’s helper who can just be a tween who watches your kids in another part of the house or in the yard while you are at home.
I was a mother’s helper when I was younger. It was a great way to earn a little money when you aren’t even in middle school yet and the mothers obviously really appreciate it.
I’m a first time mom. I needed to hear this, I needed to hear I’m not the only one feeling like this and that it’s OK. Thank you. It meant so much
I love my kid more than anybody. Recently separated from a father of my child, could not handle anymore, the words for years: « You are doing almost nothing ». All the household, day and night, weekends, care for each member, physical, emotional, psychological, school+work. Now feel so miserable that came to the point of counting the years so my kid could be independent… how desperate could be a mother.
You need time for yourself too, get lots of self care its not being selfish.
As someone who was raised by a teen mom & my grandparents, I saw what it was like to struggle being a parent. Not only from my mom, but also seeing the lack of love & fulfillment in my grandparents marriage. Also, the amount of clients I talk to who are mothers that are always tired, have no time for themselves & then (sometimes) finding out their husband is cheating and/or leaving them. This is not the basis of my decision but it has had some impact on how I've come to see having children & the effects it places on relationships.
You need time for yourself too, get lots of self care its not being selfish at all
This is why many of us women choose to stay childfree
I mean, that makes sense ; women-children can't take care of themselves properly so of course they can't take care of another human being ! Plus, it's beter his way, because if you have kids, you will obviously teach them how to be depressed their entire lives.
@@lealacey2895kids are very hard job you know that? You will not have sleep in days month and no vacation like corporate job at least you have day free
The lack of freedom is what I find hard, but I do not see that as an exclusively female problem. People are tied down by jobs and responsibilities, houses and bills. Even if you free yourself, everyone else is tied down. I miss the early days of childhood before school, the freedom of college when I had responsibilities but my choices really only affected me (mostly). I try to keep spontaneity in my life even if I am constrained.
I always say my favourite time in life was age 3-5. I just wake up everyday and experience life, everything was a grand adventure! Then all of a sudden you have worry’s and responsibilities that only grow as you age. I try to keep that spirt alive but the reality is, you only get that once in your life. I’m pretty grateful when a moment comes up that feels like I’m back at that point, even if it’s just a moment.
@@snc237 How can you remember your childhood between age 3 - 5? I don't think I remember anything. I remember some things when I was 7 years old... And I had great childhood, I was very happy.
you just have to find like minded people! get out of your bubble and you will meet people like yourself. not everyone is living a boring life.
I wouldn’t say my life is boring. Quite the opposite, but very structured. More structured than I care for it to be, and there’s not much I can do about that. I made my bed, so to speak. Other living creatures count on me to fulfill my obligations.
Still Waters Farm It doesn’t have to be that structured. Like you said you chose for it to be that way and it’s hard to get out of it. I know a lot of people that have a structured life, lots of responsibilities, and people that depend on them. I personally don’t want a life like that so I have a lot of freedom that they can’t relate to. I don’t have to answer to anyone.
Communal living is the answer. Recreating the village, the tribe, with a modern flare.
I see friends everyday and it’s still not enough. I’m deeply dissatisfied because I have a deep primal yearning for something that humans used to have which was a tribe of humans around at all times… kids feel the same lack.
i gave up my career to stay at home with my children , what i did not realize was i was making myself venerable to , i did a good job being mom , my kids don't " need " me & that's bitter sweet . im divorced with grown kids and starting from ground 0 at age 66 , what a challenge , but i surrender to this challenge , & now this is my life work , to put mySelf back together & rescue myself !
You need time for yourself too, get lots of self care its not being selfish at all