Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
This explains why I'm in such emotional distress over a new budding romance that I'm in anxiety all day until I hear from her and realize the emotions are the same and the doubts are just illusion. I was beginning to think I was going to have to stop and never be happy and be in love again because the stress was, is so high.
I'm glad you liked the video Nat. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
That's definitely me... especially when I encounter again behaviors from others, especially romantic partners, who are mildly neglectful, invalidating, and insensitive...Instead of running away, I run towards in a very reactive way. The individual, who is usually emotionally unavailable to begin with, then turns it around that I'm the crazy one since my responses are heightened. Since I can only control myself, I realize this is something I need to work on.
are you certain they are neglectful behaviors or based on unrealistic expectations set fourth by attachment trauma? I dated someone that sounds similar to you and while yes im certainly not perfect I was definitely not mistreating her and actively trying to meet her needs but in fact she did not know how to express them and then blamed that on me and told me that I was neglecting her when in reality she was expecting me to read her mind as far as needs and then blaming me and building resentment because I wasnt meeting her needs. You running toward someone in a reactive way is actually you being reactive and whatever other emotion youre feeling and projecting onto your partner the feelings you have for yourself for not doing whats required to have your needs met but cannot handle that dynamic otherwise instead you would approach this person calmly and non re actively and in a productive manner. Youre right you do have control over only yourself and your ability to communicate your needs. And if this person is actually neglecting you then again you have control over yourself to leave the situation as well.
Trama is coded into the body at the level of activation. The gateway for attachment trauma to ACTIVATE is vulnerability and intimacy. My God this guy is AMAZING. This single statement alone should help you realize that YOU are not the SOLE cause of your partner that acts or responded or misinterprets the simple thing you say.
Again, I'm so glad I found your channel. I feel like you're the only one that really gets it. However, I go crazy in ANY romantic relationship I have. It doesn't have to be that deep or even all that established.
I never fell in love so hard for a man, and throughout my relationship with him he asked for me to “just be” and “just go with the flow” but I really couldn’t relax. I was so worried that something would happen between us. I needed validation, I was happy with him but a nervous wreck and he couldn’t understand why. We kept trying for 2 years we were on and off. I kept trying to improve myself but it wasn’t enough to keep him. I begged him to stay, but it was over… and I feel like my intense emotions really put a damper on us. I wish things could’ve been different …
Great awareness. I see you were engaged with the video by what you shared. Many can relate with challenges from anxiety in relationships. I'm reminded how we can never have enough conversations about attachment distress. Thanks for sharing your reflections. I'm glad you connected with this video.
Eureka! Your knowledge and insight is incredible Alan. For a few years now I've received weekly therapy sessions as my spousal relationship issues continued to baffle the heck out of me and yet here in just a few short videos I find answers and clarity those years failed to provide. Alan, I can't thank you enough for giving so freely of your gift, you may just have brought workability into a crippled marriage at breaking point. You make a difference Alan and I am blessed to have found you, thank you.
I think instead of " falling in love " it should be "feeling in Love. I tried deep breathing and meditation, to try and heal these situations I had to face.
So very helpful, Alan. This makes so much sense. I’ve recently had some “trauma activation” and was confused about why??? This is good information to know.
Fabulous Alan, super helpful. I feel so relieved that I have finally realized that my attachment traumas cause this unbearable anxiety when relationships have a little wobble. so nice to no longer blame myself as hysterical or difficult but understand a bit more and therefore focus on self soothing when I get triggered. Bless you for all these insightful offerings. You really are fantastic!!!!
Great to hear you finding so much benefit from this content. I appreciate the feedback. It is so important to keep talking about our relationship with ourselves and giving ourselves a little more credit. Thanks for commenting. Also, since you find this content helpful and you may already be aware of it, you may also be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This topic comes up in the conversations in the community. You're welcome to join us.
I don't see any video and I miss seeing your face Alan. Is this just voice? I really like seeing you while you were talking it adds a lot of personal connection.
Hi Annie O: Yes, Thanks for the feedback. It's helpful. I'll do fewer of these types of videos and stick with the other format. I appreciate that you let me know.
The more I love a man, the more stress and anxiety it causes. I just need to stay single and stop allowing the fantasy idea of a relationship create more destruction within me.
Completely relate, emotional closeness and vulnerability make my anxiety levels shoot up, one moment I can feel close and calm, then 24 hours later climbing the wall with anxiety and panic. My own research on attachment is that I have Fearful avoidant attachment ( Disorganized attachment/ Anxious Avoidant) which is mixture of Anxious and Avoidant...so relationships prove particularly difficult in managing emotions.
If you stay single and don’t confront and face these traumas, they will persist. They come up to be addressed and healed, not to prevent you from living and being with your love.
I'm glad you liked the video Tammy. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I feel super afraid of intimacy and personal relationships , i used to be super dependant and attached and now it feels like my body mind is in pain and anxiety and is not able to be in a relationship even tho i have been in one for a year and it feels quite stable
Hi there. I guess you suffer the same feeling my girlfriend got. We are in a distance relationship for 2 years, which gave me a lot complex emotional feeling. I do know that she loves me all the time despite tons of mixed message, but she sometimes drowned in PTSD-like situation. It's challenging to get through this for both of us. I know where it came from, and she knows I would be around to support. But it still the hardest thing in the world to cope with. And the only thing we need is trust. Hope everything goes good for you.
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. You're also invited to join us in our conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow Alan. Thank you for this information so much. It’s all coming into focus now. All of my romantic parters were narcissists. I connected the dots to narcissism 17 months ago when I escaped my Psychopath. In every relationship when I’d get get discarded, ignored, neglected and so on, I’d cry the most painful tears. I mean painful. I knew the pain felt like when I was a child, but wasn’t able to make the connection. But you just explained it perfectly. Thank you. I’ve watched all of your vids. I think you’re so spot on with your approach and analysis. I relate to your work on every vid. Thank you for making this information public 💕
Yes I like seeing your face. You're videos are Soo helpful. I suffered for 55 years wish I could have found you earlier but you explain things Soo well. You understand shame etc and now I know I'm not broken
Glad this video speaks to you. Thanks for the feedback. This also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort. If you like this video then you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
What is the solution to all of this? I was in 4 homes by the age of 5 never to see prior caregivers again. Anytime I go through a break up I feel like I'm going to die of grief and heartbreak and it takes months and months to get over. I also have severe anxiety in relationships fearing being cheated on or abandoned. It's ruined my life, pushed every guy away and self fulfilling prophecy. And I can't control it and now I'm heartbroken again at 50. I feel like I'll always be alone and there is simply nobody out there for me that I can spend the rest of my life with.
Thanks for the question. I see this video sparked some reflection for you. It helps to understand the different ways we respond to anxiety and fear in relationships. By building our awareness we can make a plan on how to be proactive. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Wow, this explains why I was so upset with my partner when he said he didn’t even know if I could drive! Before he had ever ridden with me. I’m so nervous when he’s the passenger that I’m truly an incompetent driver, just like my stepfather said about women drivers throughout my childhood and adolescence! It’s truly an attachment issue.
Great insight and awareness. It makes sense. Interesting to make these connections. Glad this video sparked some reflection for you. Thanks for valuing my efforts to offer explanation. If you'd like to learn more about how these attachment dynamics get set up, then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Good awareness. Empathy to you. Many can relate with these patterns. We could never have enough conversations about attachment trauma. So important we're talking about this. Thanks for your comment.
Thank you for valuing my content Norma. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
So lets say you realize your trauma has been activated after reaching a milestone or progressing in a romantic relationship...now what? how can you successfully work through it while in this anxious elevated state?
Thank you for valuing my videos. I’m glad this one resonates with you. The solution to healing attachment injuries is to do our healing work. There is not a simple, quick-fix answer. Emotional, Relational, Developmental Healing Work is dynamic and has many chapters depending on our individual needs. The areas of focus I suggest are exploring Attachment Trauma, Emotional Attunement, Family Patterns, Boundaries and Sense of Self, Shame and Self-Worth, Longing and Loneliness, Reality Distortion, Grieving and Grieving Skills. These are the areas that inform the design of the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. The kind of question you asked here about working with activated distress once in a relationship is the type of question we explore in the community. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma I have been wondering for the last year why was it only me that my ex (partner at the time) seemed to have "issues" with. Searched and searched while assuming I was just a bad partner and that is maybe why my partner at the time was acting like that. Turns out the your video cleared SO MANY things for me. Thank you Alan. Oddly enough I feel better logically but stuff still hurts.
Thank you for watching. I'm glad to know this one resonated with you. Please share it through social media or with a friend who you think could benefit from seeing this.
We explore that question in the membership community. The 8-week program invites engaging your self-directed healing process so to begin to assemble tools to identify, manage, and integrate attachment trauma. You are welcome to join us www.alanrobarge.com/community
hello Alan. I am somewhat sad that you didn't post videos recently. I feel much more connection and can focus better when I can see you talk. wozld you PLEASE PLEASE consider to post videos of you talking again. Namaste
This took a little time for me to understand but I just totally got it. I understand. Can this also occur if you have not fully recovered from a past relationship where you were really hurt and are now experiencing the same trauma that you’re fearful also coming from the same Attachment Trauma?
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
____
Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
____
I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
____
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
This explains why I'm in such emotional distress over a new budding romance that I'm in anxiety all day until I hear from her and realize the emotions are the same and the doubts are just illusion. I was beginning to think I was going to have to stop and never be happy and be in love again because the stress was, is so high.
How have you helped change this?
This made me cry......I need to heal this. To me, intimacy creates such a huge bond of emotional attachment that I become fearful of abandonment.
I'm glad you liked the video Nat. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
That's definitely me... especially when I encounter again behaviors from others, especially romantic partners, who are mildly neglectful, invalidating, and insensitive...Instead of running away, I run towards in a very reactive way. The individual, who is usually emotionally unavailable to begin with, then turns it around that I'm the crazy one since my responses are heightened. Since I can only control myself, I realize this is something I need to work on.
are you certain they are neglectful behaviors or based on unrealistic expectations set fourth by attachment trauma? I dated someone that sounds similar to you and while yes im certainly not perfect I was definitely not mistreating her and actively trying to meet her needs but in fact she did not know how to express them and then blamed that on me and told me that I was neglecting her when in reality she was expecting me to read her mind as far as needs and then blaming me and building resentment because I wasnt meeting her needs. You running toward someone in a reactive way is actually you being reactive and whatever other emotion youre feeling and projecting onto your partner the feelings you have for yourself for not doing whats required to have your needs met but cannot handle that dynamic otherwise instead you would approach this person calmly and non re actively and in a productive manner. Youre right you do have control over only yourself and your ability to communicate your needs. And if this person is actually neglecting you then again you have control over yourself to leave the situation as well.
Trama is coded into the body at the level of activation. The gateway for attachment trauma to ACTIVATE is vulnerability and intimacy.
My God this guy is AMAZING. This single statement alone should help you realize that YOU are not the SOLE cause of your partner that acts or responded or misinterprets the simple thing you say.
My romantic life explained in 17 mins
Again, I'm so glad I found your channel. I feel like you're the only one that really gets it. However, I go crazy in ANY romantic relationship I have. It doesn't have to be that deep or even all that established.
I never fell in love so hard for a man, and throughout my relationship with him he asked for me to “just be” and “just go with the flow” but I really couldn’t relax. I was so worried that something would happen between us. I needed validation, I was happy with him but a nervous wreck and he couldn’t understand why. We kept trying for 2 years we were on and off. I kept trying to improve myself but it wasn’t enough to keep him. I begged him to stay, but it was over… and I feel like my intense emotions really put a damper on us. I wish things could’ve been different …
Great awareness. I see you were engaged with the video by what you shared. Many can relate with challenges from anxiety in relationships. I'm reminded how we can never have enough conversations about attachment distress. Thanks for sharing your reflections. I'm glad you connected with this video.
I've been through the same. May I ask you how you're feeling now?
Eureka! Your knowledge and insight is incredible Alan.
For a few years now I've received weekly therapy sessions as my spousal relationship issues continued to baffle the heck out of me and yet here in just a few short videos I find answers and clarity those years failed to provide. Alan, I can't thank you enough for giving so freely of your gift, you may just have brought workability into a crippled marriage at breaking point. You make a difference Alan and I am blessed to have found you, thank you.
Your demeanor is calming and safe.
I think instead of " falling in love " it should be "feeling in Love. I tried deep breathing and meditation, to try and heal these situations I had to face.
I was recently, basically “ghosted” after 2.5 years. This, of course is triggering my childhood abandonment issues big time!
I hear you.
So very helpful, Alan. This makes so much sense. I’ve recently had some “trauma activation” and was confused about why??? This is good information to know.
Fabulous Alan, super helpful. I feel so relieved that I have finally realized that my attachment traumas cause this unbearable anxiety when relationships have a little wobble. so nice to no longer blame myself as hysterical or difficult but understand a bit more and therefore focus on self soothing when I get triggered. Bless you for all these insightful offerings. You really are fantastic!!!!
Great to hear you finding so much benefit from this content. I appreciate the feedback. It is so important to keep talking about our relationship with ourselves and giving ourselves a little more credit. Thanks for commenting.
Also, since you find this content helpful and you may already be aware of it, you may also be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This topic comes up in the conversations in the community. You're welcome to join us.
His work has changed my life
I don't see any video and I miss seeing your face Alan. Is this just voice? I really like seeing you while you were talking it adds a lot of personal connection.
Hi Annie O: Yes, Thanks for the feedback. It's helpful. I'll do fewer of these types of videos and stick with the other format. I appreciate that you let me know.
These would be ideal for podcasts!
The more I love a man, the more stress and anxiety it causes. I just need to stay single and stop allowing the fantasy idea of a relationship create more destruction within me.
I can relate, but we deserve to be heard, understood and loved.
Completely relate, emotional closeness and vulnerability make my anxiety levels shoot up, one moment I can feel close and calm, then 24 hours later climbing the wall with anxiety and panic. My own research on attachment is that I have Fearful avoidant attachment ( Disorganized attachment/ Anxious Avoidant) which is mixture of Anxious and Avoidant...so relationships prove particularly difficult in managing emotions.
If you stay single and don’t confront and face these traumas, they will persist. They come up to be addressed and healed, not to prevent you from living and being with your love.
Single is ok
You are amazing! So full of wisdom. Thank you
I'm glad you liked the video Tammy. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
waited a long time understand this.....thank u so much!
This was so helpful! I wish I'd studied this in college.
I feel super afraid of intimacy and personal relationships , i used to be super dependant and attached and now it feels like my body mind is in pain and anxiety and is not able to be in a relationship even tho i have been in one for a year and it feels quite stable
I know it sucks. I'm always anxious and in emotional pain in my romantic relationships
Hi there. I guess you suffer the same feeling my girlfriend got. We are in a distance relationship for 2 years, which gave me a lot complex emotional feeling. I do know that she loves me all the time despite tons of mixed message, but she sometimes drowned in PTSD-like situation. It's challenging to get through this for both of us. I know where it came from, and she knows I would be around to support. But it still the hardest thing in the world to cope with. And the only thing we need is trust. Hope everything goes good for you.
Wow, what timing. This is what happened with me and my ex 10 months ago.
This is so dead on for me as well. It hurts digging into this but this is so true. Just listening to this video, this is like...wow, this is me.
Fantastic video. Thanks for putting your thoughts out there.
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort.
You're also invited to join us in our conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow Alan. Thank you for this information so much. It’s all coming into focus now. All of my romantic parters were narcissists. I connected the dots to narcissism 17 months ago when I escaped my Psychopath. In every relationship when I’d get get discarded, ignored, neglected and so on, I’d cry the most painful tears. I mean painful. I knew the pain felt like when I was a child, but wasn’t able to make the connection. But you just explained it perfectly. Thank you. I’ve watched all of your vids. I think you’re so spot on with your approach and analysis. I relate to your work on every vid. Thank you for making this information public 💕
how to avoid or handle this behavior?
Yes I like seeing your face. You're videos are Soo helpful. I suffered for 55 years wish I could have found you earlier but you explain things Soo well. You understand shame etc and now I know I'm not broken
You freak out because you thought someone was going to save you from yourself and they can’t.
Well said
Deep
at its most extreme I think it's called BPD. Or complex ptsd ?
Great video, loving all I've seen so far. Do you have any on what can be done about attachment trauma? I'm currently exploring options
Wow you just described my life story. I have some healing to do that’s for sure.
Glad this video speaks to you. Thanks for the feedback.
This also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
So that’s the anxious attachment style that you described in the beginning. I’m listening to an audiobook book called attach.
Fantastic. Excellent facilitator 😊
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort.
If you like this video then you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Disorganised attachment is a lifetime of loneliness 😔
Not really , you freak out because someone have activated n touched something that is buried in depth n been escaped from for a huge amount of time .
What is the solution to all of this? I was in 4 homes by the age of 5 never to see prior caregivers again. Anytime I go through a break up I feel like I'm going to die of grief and heartbreak and it takes months and months to get over. I also have severe anxiety in relationships fearing being cheated on or abandoned. It's ruined my life, pushed every guy away and self fulfilling prophecy. And I can't control it and now I'm heartbroken again at 50. I feel like I'll always be alone and there is simply nobody out there for me that I can spend the rest of my life with.
Thanks for the question. I see this video sparked some reflection for you. It helps to understand the different ways we respond to anxiety and fear in relationships. By building our awareness we can make a plan on how to be proactive. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This is EXTREMELY eye-opening and helpful. Thank you so much for these videos!!
Wow, this explains why I was so upset with my partner when he said he didn’t even know if I could drive! Before he had ever ridden with me. I’m so nervous when he’s the passenger that I’m truly an incompetent driver, just like my stepfather said about women drivers throughout my childhood and adolescence! It’s truly an attachment issue.
Great insight and awareness. It makes sense. Interesting to make these connections. Glad this video sparked some reflection for you. Thanks for valuing my efforts to offer explanation.
If you'd like to learn more about how these attachment dynamics get set up, then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
It all makes sense now. I felt like I have known this for some time, so this video has given me permission to move forward. Thanks!
Alan, I (we?) would love it if you pointed towards more resources and videos on this.
Wowwww! Amazing insight!
I love you Alan! You seem to know me more than anyone else!
For me, love is always unrequited. This makes the feelings more excruciatingly painful than I could ever begin to explain.
Good awareness. Empathy to you. Many can relate with these patterns. We could never have enough conversations about attachment trauma. So important we're talking about this. Thanks for your comment.
Alan, I am learning so much from your videos, and I´ve been learning about attachment trauma for years. Next level!
Amazing Amazing identification thank you soooooo much ❤
Thank you for valuing my content Norma. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
I have autism and this is what all relationships are like for me, including friends.
I’m sorry. That sounds challenging. I hope you find understanding, acceptance, and love for who you are, from yourself and others.
reeeally helpful, thank you! ❤️
So lets say you realize your trauma has been activated after reaching a milestone or progressing in a romantic relationship...now what? how can you successfully work through it while in this anxious elevated state?
Thank you for valuing my videos. I’m glad this one resonates with you. The solution to healing attachment injuries is to do our healing work. There is not a simple, quick-fix answer. Emotional, Relational, Developmental Healing Work is dynamic and has many chapters depending on our individual needs.
The areas of focus I suggest are exploring Attachment Trauma, Emotional Attunement, Family Patterns, Boundaries and Sense of Self, Shame and Self-Worth, Longing and Loneliness, Reality Distortion, Grieving and Grieving Skills.
These are the areas that inform the design of the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships.
You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating.
The kind of question you asked here about working with activated distress once in a relationship is the type of question we explore in the community.
Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma I have been wondering for the last year why was it only me that my ex (partner at the time) seemed to have "issues" with. Searched and searched while assuming I was just a bad partner and that is maybe why my partner at the time was acting like that. Turns out the your video cleared SO MANY things for me. Thank you Alan. Oddly enough I feel better logically but stuff still hurts.
Wow! Really eye opening. Thank you Alan
This is incredibly helpful!
Glad this was helpful. Thanks for letting me know. Please also share this video with a friend.
This is so true, Thanks alan.
very messed up past relationships... fear of falling apart if ever met someone again romantically.... amazingly naive and unaware of trauma
thanks for your reflections. Glad this resonates.
Excellent video. Thank you.
Thank you for watching. I'm glad to know this one resonated with you. Please share it through social media or with a friend who you think could benefit from seeing this.
This make so much sense
Omg!! This guy IS a genius
Thanks for the kind words
I’ve always wondered why all my other relationships are easy but I can’t get past the 3 rd date with romantic interests. Level of activation, hm....
I was there. I learned in group therapy that 3d date was a trigger or as Alan states the point of activation.
Very interesting, thanks.
How does one deal with the trauma activation?
We explore that question in the membership community. The 8-week program invites engaging your self-directed healing process so to begin to assemble tools to identify, manage, and integrate attachment trauma. You are welcome to join us www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you a lot!
What does it mean if the trauma is at the friendship level ??
risha a , it means that when relating to friends, our trauma is not triggered, because it "lays" on deeper level, it "sleeps". :)
No what i mean is, in my life i get triggered by friends and what does this mean about me?
risha a It Probably means you were never close enough in your romantic relationships to trigger your attachment trauma.
You can have relationship trauma towards friends, strangers, romantic partners, etc. Human trauma.
Excellent!
hello Alan. I am somewhat sad that you didn't post videos recently. I feel much more connection and can focus better when I can see you talk. wozld you PLEASE PLEASE consider to post videos of you talking again. Namaste
Do you have a podcast?
Thank you
I get really insecure when i don't know how my partner feels about me
Many of us can relate.
Trigger point!
This took a little time for me to understand but I just totally got it. I understand. Can this also occur if you have not fully recovered from a past relationship where you were really hurt and are now experiencing the same trauma that you’re fearful also coming from the same Attachment Trauma?
Brilliant.
All love poetry ever...
so wheres the level of activation?
Someone not getting triggered until after they're married? Wow! thats a long time.
Yep!
The last third of this video... Jesus
I am glad this spoke to you.