Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
i know Im randomly asking but does someone know a way to log back into an Instagram account..? I stupidly forgot the password. I would love any assistance you can offer me!
As a healing codependent I just can’t wrap my head around how someone can not ever see YOU in a relationship where you have given 110% of yourself for years. No communication, no engaging, no reciprocation, no empathy. Why do they want you if they have zero intentions of knowing or deeply loving you!?
I’ve recently realized that, at least in my case, it isn’t done intentionally. They simply don’t know how to go past superficial ways of relating to people. They don’t understand the concepts of empathy and emotional vulnerability. My person was taught as a child that as long as things weren’t distressing or negative, then by default, they’re positive! Nothing could be farther from the truth. His family is SO afraid of negative emotions that none of them can deal with them from others, let alone have them. But emotional intimacy requires that we can handle ALL types of emotions. How the heck can you have an authentic relationship with somebody when you can’t even bring up anything negative? When that person freaks out and gets mad when you mention negative things, how can you be yourself? I now realize why I’ve felt like such a lonely, unknown, sometimes invisible stranger to my ex and his family. I felt like this when I was growing up, as well. Nobody in my house knew me, or even cared to know me. I keep picking people to be in my life who are emotionally unavailable, and I don’t know how to break the cycle. I’m not sure I can even be with a “normal” person. I am immensely relieved to know that I’m not alone, however. Now I have words to put to all of these feelings that have plagued me all of my life. I’ve lived a long life as an extremely empathetic and emotional person surrounded by people who are incapable of emotional intimacy. I am so lonely and sad that I’ve spent my life this way.
Maybe this idea of giving 110% is really not even possible - and believing someone else can see ALL OF YOU or 110% is an expectation that is unreachable - and of course creates the suffering and anxiety? I mean can we ever even know our SELF 110%?? Isnt it a constant inquiry with knowing our true selves?
After all these years of thinking something was wrong with ME for being so angry, bitter, depressed, withdrawn. Everyone trying to convince me that maybe my expectations are too high , I'm selfish and should JUST accept things the way they are! THANK YOU for letting me know that my feelings have not been in vain. I'm not crazy after all!!
My dear, you are NOT alone. I have felt the same way and finally realize that my expectations were never too high.. it’s very freeing. I now know where these angry and bitter feelings came from
I’m going thru the same exact thing with all the range of emotions right now . Me being the one that needs more emotional attachment, attention and affection and she being the avoidant and emotionally unavailable. Quite ironic because is usually the woman feeling this way but I am who I am and no matter how many times I ask for more showing up in the relationship .. I’m the needy one and crazy
@@blackmax43 Been through the same thing man, felt crazy and like I was the sole cause of ALL of the relationship problems, finally realized it's a two way street. And we deserve someone to be emotionally available.
I've gotten more from Alan and a few others in a couple of hours than in the 5 years of therapy that I've received. Thank you. Your channel is very helpful and healing.
For me, it was not only about the partner failing to be inquisitive about my thoughts, feelings, wants, & needs. It was also about his failure to share his own thoughts & feelings with me - especially on the topic of the relationship itself. Also, his selfishness and self-centeredness caused actual material & spiritual harms. I finally realized that even if I could accept the many negative things that it happened over the years, what I could not accept was continuing to be in a relationship with the person who had inflicted that pain and those losses upon me.
I have listened to this several times and every time I cry. I can't even put into words how helpful this is. I've lived and felt all of it with my mother and my husband whom I finaly left almost a year ago. It validates what I have felt so strongly. I have actually hugged you via my tablet. THANK YOU!
Good for you girl! I came here to find advice/help leaving my partner of 6 years. I can tell these are going to help tremendously figure out what to do and how to verbalize that to her. How sweet that you hugged your tablet! ☺
Seems like as I get older, I am having to face so many things. So many revelations can be frightening, while at the same time enlightening. In a romantic relationship, it's the difference between intimacy and just being together. I need so much more than parents or spouses ever gave me. It is so painful that being alone feels more nurturing. Thank you for your counsel.
Holly crap! this message just illuminated a stark truth in my head. i considered myself "needy". i labelled self this since it seemed like i was always having to work to get my emotional needs met by "fill in the blank". just occurred to me i am not needy. i just didn't get my needs filled as a child. then i sought out this need fulfillment in my adult relationships.....rendered self "needy".....well, i am NO LONGER labeling myself "needy"....it is a derogatory term with very detrimental consequences to self...it dissempowers ones ability to know we can fulfill our own needs as adults! thanks again, Alan for very enlightening, helpful messages....xo
Holy crap your name is Dawna too!!!! This is so wild I never see my name and this is the 3 encounter with a Dawna in the last couple of days 🤣❤️... also great comment!
@@dawnacoxon3111 ....awesome!! 3rd time is a charm, so they say!! haha.....glad you like the comment. geez, i wrote that 3 years ago. i was in a different head space back then and so much has changed with my thinking for the better....hope you are well!
Dawna hi other Dawna! Hope you’re other place is an amazing one! I’m good just using these crazy times to dig into some subconscious patterns and do some weeding 🤣🌱❤️
@@dawnacoxon3111 wonderful...i just noticed this comment now! crazy times indeed. i miss our old life of being carefree. hope you are staying safe and are in a good place mentally. i am a reclusive loner so that aspect doesn't bother me too much but i detest the government controls...anyhow, gotta get a coffee and head to work! sorry for the late response...lol....i had my notifications turned off until recently. was getting into too many ridiculous arguments hahaha...take care
I’ve been in a 20 year relationship with a man who cannot connect with me emotionally. I’ve had several breakdowns that nearly claimed my life. I now understand why. You’ve freed me to move on. Thank you 🙏
How are you doing? I’m in a similar boat. Married 26 years to an emotionally unavailable partner. He’s still my best friend but triggers this wound often. Trying to decide if it’s best to leave….
@@soulswork1111 Hello. I’m still trying to extricate myself from this man. I’ve left him several times but returned to relive the abuse. I’m talking about leaving him and returning YEARS LATER. Find a safe haven where you feel good, move there and get a therapist who understands the “Trauma Bond.” Fight for your freedom, fight for your sanity, your self respect…your LIFE. I’m leaving him again this week. He’s been having an affair so it’s a good time to escape. Moving to my friend’s home that I’ve known for 44 years. I’m praying it is final this time. God Bless and good luck!🍀😇❤️
The crowning blow is when a person from a seriously neglectful/abusive background commits suicide and people call them selfish. The Golden rule covers so many atrocities.
Alan, this is Jennifer Sinclair. You articulated EXACTLY what my mother said to me...."Just accept me the way I am". I said "No, mom. I cannot. It is emotional abuse to provide me shallow talk 100% of the time as and never give more, ever"
My husband says the same exact thing. Why can't I accept him for the way he is? Why do I want to change him? Me being a somewhat loving person with many, many flaws, has the desire to be more loving so i cant understand why a cold stand offish person doesnt want to be more loving as well especially towards their kid. Why doesn't everybody want to be just better? It's kinda crazy how we are all different.
I have felt depressed, lonely and suicidal for so long. None of my relationships ever gave me the emotional connection I needed. In the past weeks I have lost all of my friends and my boyfriend. And I have no one to connect to. I will be working on myself and trying to find the right kind of people for me. I hope I won't feel so scared and alone forever. Thank you Alan
I hope you're feeling better now, Liana. I completely understand and empathize with your experience and pain. Sending you L❤️ ve and wishes for Life to grace your life with people who truly love and care about you...for simply who you are, not for what you do. We all deserve to be seen, valued and loved deeply. ❤️💙🕊💙❤️
@@lemostjoyousrenegade oh my gosh that is so sweet..thank you :) I do feel much much much better! No more depression after 7 years. Although still with no luck finding friends, but it doesn't get me sad anymore :) Thank you for your kind message
@@lianab284 You're welcome, angel. I'm SO glad to hear you're feeling much better! I'm a quite sensitive soul and reading your comment really tugged at my heartstrings. Therefore, I needed to let you know that you and your feelings and desire for meaningful connections matter...and that I understand you and would be compelled to comfort you (as an understanding friend) if I were in your presence. Finding a REAL friend can be really hard in these modern times, however, we must KNOW that we deserve them (or at least one) so that we may be able to give all the love we have to give. There's nothing better than mutual, sharing, caring, heart-to-heart connections, nurturing and understanding. Hugs from San Francisco. 🤗
Exactly-- how does someone LOVE someone and not want to know you-- If this is not a mess I don't know what is. I knew this was going on when I was two years old-- "There is no LOVE here?" Was my first remembered thought. I was somehow supposed to bond with the floor, or the dog. I am unable to bond and trust others and my family will always blame me because I could not cope with the emotional deprivation and neglect I grew up with. Evidently, If I was able to exist "without existing" then I would be worth something! LOL!
You worded that really well. And I'm aware it comes from past pain so empathy to you. But I really get why we put the LOL at the end of that inverted dynamic. The there-not there, love you-but don't know you relating-non-relating is so bizarre! Thanks for your clear comment.
you need to look for your happiness and things that you like to fulfill you. family fuck us up and we need to change how we think to see changes. I have to make distance with mine and I have anxiety because I hesitate and have fear for taking decision. but is not what I want, I desserve to be happy so I have learned to be alone and enjoy it, now I need my space in a relationship and notice when other people behave like I used to: needy or clingy. so happy I am not like that anymore.
They love what they take from you. The "love" turns into anger when you no longer give that someone what they think you owe them. My childhood felt like 40 year old babies raising babies. It is incredibly sad to realize my mother is 74 and has not grown since I was a child, probably since she was a child. McCarthyism = no one is trustworthy. Divorced parents in the '50s = you are no longer human.
Omg I remember having similar thoughts at an early age. I remember thinking, even though I had siblings, “looks like I’m on my own here”. My mom says “oh you’ve always been so independent!”... no mom I just figured out early on that you couldn’t give me what I needed. It wasn’t until later that she started guilting me for not missing her at all when I was in summer camp and I was convinced that it was MY fault and I was the terrible one. 32 fucking years wasted on trying to prove myself worthy. Thank god im still somewhat young
These recordings are helping me come to terms with a realization that I did the right thing in leaving a very toxic relationship, even though he's trying to talk me into coming back to him. Thanks so much.
Hi Jodi Risenmay, I spotted your comment & the similarities that I was facing. I admire your strength. We are making the right choice to leave but I cannot say with certainty that I would not return. I left my abusive relationship 3 mo. ago. I still swing back & forth on the pendulum. On the one hand I'm glad that I was strong enough to walk away. While on the other hand, I feel, "Why hasn't he called me?" Find Alan's videos extremely helpful. I wish you the best on your journey. May you have continued strength, joy & peace.
Tigerprint79 tbh I'm having a real struggle, emotionally. He's a narcissistic, multi-cheater, I've talked to 2 other women he was having affairs with. Although I know I made the right decision and will never go back, I am grieving the future I thought I'd have. The whole relationship was a lie...doing my best to move on and heal
Hit the nail on the head. My family is EXTREMELY emotionally withdrawn- always have made me feel like I am too much and asking for too much. The problem was them and their inability, not me.
It’s somehow relieving to hear my struggle articulated, it gives validation which is a relief. Thank you. I’ve been in this marriage for 44 years. I was emotionally neglected as a child and married a man that emotionally neglects me. His way of dealing with his hurts is to work all the time, achieve and work, and he looks like such a hero, after all he does it all for me. I’m just waiting to please die so this pain can end. Whenever I try to talk to my husband that I have a problem he immediately negates it and says that he has the problem and I am the source of it, even though he had no problem whatsoever until I said I did. So I stop trying. I settle for whatever attention I get which is often negative, and I cope. All my kids wonder why I’m never satisfied. I mask and smile and cope. It’s late in my life, I have depression, fibromyalgia, and I cry every day multiple times but I know this is my lot until sweet relief finally comes. This world is a test and I hope I pass.
Glad this video spoke to you. If this video was helpful then you may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
HOLY. SHIRT. BALLS. Thank you so much. 5 years later. I’ve been grieving a toxic attachment for a year, beating myself up bc the last time we talked he said he expected more compassion from his partner, and I was “fighting too much.” My fights were about being neglected, invalidated, belittled, unheard. So not only did I come off “high maintenance for wanting care, but I also was made out to be the bad one for not being wholly loving and unconditionally accepting of cruel abusive treatment at worst and at best, just massive stone walls of avoidance. And as someone who was raised w abuse, I tried my entire childhood to love and accept my father and felt GUILT that I wasn’t go at “letting it go.” There’s absolutely no reason to just accept poor treatment. Thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you for your reflection and feedback. I see this video spoke to you. I can empathize with what you shared. These dynamics are challenging. You have great awareness. Glad this video was of benefit.
Brilliant explanation. Explains why I am so attached to emotionally unavailable men. Emotional neglect during childhood. No more poison from dysfunctional relating with people who can't give me what I need
I grew up with authoritarian parents...emotional childhood neglect. I am an avoidant and attract avoidant partners. But I am emotional and very attached to people, friends etc. Working on myself and I left a relationship 2.months ago as I kept feeling the disconnect with my ex who is totally emotionally unavailable and avoids all deep conversations. I explained this to him and walked away. I can't accept crumbs for my wellbeing . On the path of recovery ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much for this!! I m struggling to accept an emotionally unavailable partner, and these are exactly the thoughts that run through my mind. That I am the faulty one for not accepting him the way he is and that I should be strong enough to live with that. I feel alone but when I try to explain it to him I am faced with all kinds of "tangible" excuses, like "I am here, aren't I?", or "but we do things together, we have dinner, we watch movies, we talk on the phone from work". I feel like everything I say sounds woo woo to him. Don't know how people live like this. It feels so lonely. Thank you for validating me, it feels a lot better.😊
This information made me cry!! What a great relief to know, that my intentions and needs are ok and not to much to ask for. Thank you with all my heart, Alan!!! Namaste.
Thank you Allen for describing the prison that I lived in for 36 years in marriage. God Almighty has used your words to bring me freedom and deliver me. Thank you
Almost more than I can bear to listen to this because it’s so accurate and puts words to the pain and the confusion and the deep emptiness. The grief is very real and paralysing.
I believe that it is what you are accepting. I came to an awareness that allowed me to change my response to those who are toxic in my life when I accepted that those individuals can not be changed in their view or response to me no matter what I try. Therefore it helped me to remove the change my communication with then. Of course it doesn't make the situation perfect right away. I still slip into self doubt and sorrow but I am able to grow in standing up for myself and start a process to change the dynamic. It was not about accepting the behaviour it was about accepting that I should stop looking for emotional stability from those individuals.
thanks for giving me hope & clarity....I was waiting for the part where Alan advised No Contact, which would be very difficult and isolating for me. I got those NC vibes strongly throughout his message
I always have a UA-cam video like this playing in the background as I go to sleep. I've naturally woken up at 6.30am and heard a life altering point of this video. I've had years of DA partners tell me I'm the problem and I'm too needy etc but now I realise my problem all along has been to choose these men that neglect and abandon me over and over which reconfirms I'm unlovsble/replaceable over and over. For the first time since my break up I feel relief it's over and I don't want him anymore. Thank you x a million!
I appreciate this feedback. Glad this video was impactful and sparked reflection for you. Thank you for letting me know this content helped you find some relief. If this video was helpful, then you may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thanks for your comment. Check out the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Emotional neglect by the parents... so true. You can have a "normal" childhood, a house to live in etc. But if parents can connect with you when you are small and growing up, it carries into your adult life. Emotional neglect is so importamt
Why is healing from attachment issues so difficult? It's like my brain keeps playing games on me. One moment I tell myself I can't continue tolerating abuse and the next I question myself for not trying hard enough. It feels like an addiction to abuse. It's overwhelming.
As a person who has for more than 50 years been dealing with my own experience of Attachment trauma and Narcissistic childhood sexual abuse and resultant C-PTSD I can confirm that as you say there are no easy answers,no quick fixes It's all on you.Finding your Self from scratch and coming to terms with that sense of bewilderment is no easy thing.It takes a while to assimilate the message contained in this video,so simple yet so mind-blowing.But thank God it's out there.To anyone else:It does get easier if you put the work in.No pain no gain.
@@maepeterson7197 Thankyou Mae.Much appreciated.And yes I'm doing great.Hope you are too.A lot happens in two years huh....but mostly I just find myself wondering why the frell it took me so long to work it all out EL OH EL
This is an amazing interpretation of why its not good to keep visiting those that won't relate to you in an honest and open level and you leave rewounded everytime. The emotional hang over everytime you visit with your parent or even when you are trying to connect with some you care for or love and they will not engage and are distant and withdrawn; emotionally unavailable. These are now issues I will no longer tolerate in a relationship as a meaningful connection is what I have been looking for and I have been tolerating crumbs, unrelating, and not having an honest and genuine conversation with men, I have been involved with in my life. I learned so much and will no longer tolerate this unhealthy and superficial way of relating again. Thanks you for explaining this so well!
As a therapist who works with women in struggling relationships this was a helpful video as it truly captures the 'surface level' relationship ("are you going to eat your pickle") vs. the relationship / marriage that has depth and empathy and curiosity about their partner. Emotional disconnect is often what brings my clients to see me and your explanation of the consequences of emotional neglect and how it influences adult behaviours/ relationships is instructive. Thanks! :)
Thanks for your feedback and for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. Glad to hear you found the content helpful. It is so important to keep talking about the ripple out effect that attachment trauma has in our adult relationships. Let's continue this conversation. I also want to share, since you like this content and you may already be aware, but you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This is the type of content we discuss in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.
Thank you so much. You just validated my experience with both of my parents. Every single word you spoke was a validation and a confirmation of the emotional neglect I have experienced. Thank you so much.
This has been my life. My entire life. What relief to hear you say these perfect words. I can't relate to my family at all. My twin sister is a narcissist (fraternal). And I'm really trying to come to terms with all of this, and how to not feel guilty by cutting them out.
Wow this is exactly what just happened to me in my relationship. My reactions and my doubts about why i cannot just except this emotional lack of connection and that my needs are not getting met. It really felt like a betrayal to myself when i tried and i got physical sick. I realized only than after a few years that my own betrayal was the cause and made a decision to stop the relationship cause it was to toxic for me and i was getting angrier and angrier. When i saw you video i realized i that this is coming from attachment trauma. That relates perfectly to me because i was adopted when i was 6 and my mother died when i was a baby. Also the adoptive parents were abusive and never available. So i am in big trouble. Thanks for posting this video you are a lifesaver! I know now where to work on and made me more aware of the needs of my kids. Thank you so much!
Wow that was extremely helpful. J grew up not getting much of that even tho my childhood looked “normal” often times my parents or step parent thought I was lying. Now when I relate with my partner and I have the need to be heard , they avoid, and it is extremely painful to me.
Wow! You make incredible content. Unreal! The way that you put this all into language blows my mind. I have a hard time articulating this to my husband. I explain to him that his silence feels like emotional abuse. He stone walls me, and in return I get extremely emotional. I tell him his silence is killing me but he honestly cannot see that there is anything wrong. He refuses counseling and tells me that I’m the only one who needs it since I have the abandonment issues, and since I cannot handle my emotions. Yet, I feel he gaslights me and makes me question my reality. I have developed anxiety, which has caused me eczema, faint spells, and an irregular menstrual cycle. As much as I do not want to divorce, I feel like I have to. I’ve recently got on medication, because I almost passed out at work. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, and I am only 28.
I'm glad you liked the video Felicia. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you once again, Alan. Possibly the most relatable video yet. It is not my job to accept rejection. It is not my job to try to fix someone else. Thank you. ❤️
Ouch! Golden observations of the destruction of self due to being denied love, denied being present authenticity and the resultant diseases, stressors, and consequences. Thanks for sharing this excellent diagnosis of rejection and psychological dynamics.
Alan, you are a breath of fresh air to the minds of so many who are stuck in this endless cycle of self betrayal. I tried for a year to mold my reality to fit a very emotionally withdrawn person to the point of my own physical and emotional detriment and it was the support and message from those who are in the healing and recovery community to help guide me to come out. I am so grateful for your message and knowledge and ability to refine your language to such accuracy that it really gets there and I get it. I feel like you are being guided by some spiritual intelligence to bring this message but that's another topic. Thank you!
Clarity and words that make sense. Thank you so much. Dispel the gaslighting. See the situation as it really is. As I see and feel it ... being emotionally ignored , accepting a low grade daily poison, betraying yourself. That is exactly what it was and felt like.
I am so relieved to hear what you're saying and its the first time someone has spoken from this perspective. I've been trying so hard to accept this emotional neglect from my mother and had so much guilt and confusion in cutting her out of my life over the last few months. Thank you so much. This has been most helpful!
I appreciate the comment. Thank you for letting me this connected for you and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit. Also if this video is helpful then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Lim, thanks for the feedback. I'm glad to hear you found benefit from my video. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.
I tried emotionally engaging with my ex. Didn't work. He couldn't handle it. he doesn't understand feelings. I know understand that i have to let him go completely. I still try to emotionally engage as a friend now but he doesn't get it, after we talk i feel very drained and emotional. So i decided to ignore him and focus on my friends. But it is difficult to accept the reality to not being able to emotionally engage. I still want him to see ME but he doesn't ... It makes me very angry. I would do it differently next time.
We still don't talk. Hé still ignores me on these rare occasions we run into each other. I am still single, not waiting for him, but didn"t meet the right guy yet. Mainly focussing on myself, my happyness , my wellbeing and the next chapter in my life with a new house.
Wow. You brought the sauce on this video. Thank you Alan. This one articulated everything that I have been trying to desperately out run and avoid knowing, seeing and feeling. Thank you and for others like you that are validating the intense pain of attachment trauma. And for giving information on the steps it takes to move toward healing. To everyone out there that is coming to a deeper awareness and acceptance of their life story, don't give up- we owe it to ourselves to heal. In love, light and peace, may God bless us all.
Such a great video thank you Alan!!. When I first watched this 3 years ago I took your advice as hard as it was and separated from my parents. I needed to heal and they kept traumatizing me. It was poison. I distanced from all my family and many friends as the patterns all played out. I worked on myself and healed my attachment and abandonment trauma. I was then finally able to have surface phone conversations with them for 5 minutes knowing who they were and that is all they have to offer. It would have been impossible to communicate with them had i not healed that deeply rooted pain. It was horrific. Sending love to anyone going through this. Loving yourself enough to distant yourself from these people is crucial to healing and recovery. You are worth it and you are loved.
I didn't know to what extent this early childhood experience has and still had on my life and why I have been recreating it in my love interests with unemotional men...omg
Omg!!! Thank you sooooo much for this incredible video! Finally someone can validate the reasoning behind me letting go of the relationship I have with my mother. It’s incredibly painful to hold on to a relationship that was non existent in the first place. I actually cried watching this because you hit it on the mark especially when you said how your system is chronically on arousal, anxiety, hormone imbalance etc. It makes total sense. God really blessed me by sending me this video! Thank you so much 💕
I've spent years trying to identify what is wrong in our relationship. I'm very aware of the surface talk and it doesnt go any deeper. So I feel this disconnect from him. A true emotional bond just isnt there. I'm beyond frustrated with him and becoming resentful. He can come off as cold, ignorant and aloof when I try to spell out what I need from him for this relationship to work. We need to identify what is wrong and then work on solutions. This is only the second video in your series I've watched and already I've had two 'ah ha' moments. Thank you.
Hello Alan. Thank you so much for telling and helping me and others know the truth about attachment trauma. I can resonate to everything you said. You exactly described what i've been through inwardly and outwardly in my relationship. I grew up so confused until at some point where i felt very drained and empty. I experienced overwhelming pain and sadness. I felt so hungry and thirsty for love, affection, validation, truth and a sense of freedom which i never and will never get from my narcissistic mother. I listened to videos about attachment trauma just recently and knew about it after 37 years.
If you say how you are feeling, you get accused of complaining... You are not to a) complain about anything that you can't change and b) feel unhappy about anything, you should put on a brave face and see the silver lining or the bright side of things. Not only was this the way it was growing up, it was the way it was in my last relationship. As a child, my siblings and I were not allowed to argue, we had to "get long". I now have done this to my children... How do I change it and what do I do instead when conflict between them arises? I have never been aware of any of this until the last 6 months... I'm a slow work in progress.
I've not bought it yet but the book 'Running on Empty' is said to be really good. About childhood emotional neglect, how to deal with your parents as an adult and your children - following childhood emotional neglect.
I think it comes down to listening. You can both give them discipline by telling them fighting is wrong but also listen to what started it, how each person is feeling, what they want, etc. then teaching them healthy ways of expressing their frustrations. A lot of parents get the “stop fighting” part right, but I don’t know many who genuinely ask “why are you fighting?”
Thank you. I was married for 38 years with a husband totally emotionally detached. Eventually divorced. It was so very hard. Thank you so much. This has put a light on my journey
I appreciate the comment. Thank you for letting me know the videos are helpful. If you get benefit from my work, please consider becoming a sustaining supporter and join our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I really am impressed by the timing of releasing the video, I've been thinking a lot about this topic recently and it has caused me a lot of distress and hurt. The ongoing daily dysfunction of being around family members who never made me feel seen or heard is just too much, thank you for reminding me that I'm not lacking compassion or acceptance. I'm grateful that I have a few friends who reciprocate that level of emotional connection i need but still my family wound is so deep especially that it keeps reinforcing itself everyday with how they interact with me. I don't know how to handle this, I talked to them before they acknowledged their mistakes and apologized but their behavior didn't change. I'm confused and hurt.
Empathy to you. Thank you for valuing my efforts to capture these difficult dynamics and share with others. It can be painful when family doesn't welcome change. This is something that comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I appreciate the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit. I remember when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you haven't heard about the Community take the relationship quiz: www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you for your video, it was super validating to hear an expert explain my life experiences in such an elegant way. My therapist could never quite get what was referring to when discussing not feeling seen by my partner and told me the same "He's not a mind reader, why can't you accept him for who he is?" line. It began feeling like my expectations of a loving partner who acknowledges my presence consistently enough is completely unrealistic and maybe there's just something wrong with me.
Thank you for sharing your experience and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad this video speaks to you. If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
8:28 On how emotional unavailability from the caretakers fosters losing one's voice. And once one's self-worth is shattered (lost of self), it can foster codependence. How to get out of there? Certainly not by trying to patch a bruised or shattered so-called self-worth... but on discovering who you really are, beyond the value people attribute to you.
Paria, Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you! This was such a helpful video. I appreciate how careful and deliberate you choose your words to accurately explain things. Im not doubting my feelings any longer and wondering if they are justified.
Hi Remember Jet 2, Thanks for your inspiration! I'm still in the "not sure" of my decision mode. Left the toxic relationship 3 mos. ago. I hope in time that I can stand behind my decision & feel good about it. Hope you are continuing to do well & staying convicted.
You are god sent for sure to heal. Ive read in a brief time many of your videos and quantum leaped in my growth. You really do understand from experience and you deliver it sooooo well. You have such a great grasp of language and communicating. Very generous of you to give freely. Your a GREAT MAN! I've most certainly subscribed. :)
Wow...I feel like you are voicing everything ive been struggling with. My need to connect emotionally is so strong. Having had a mom who dumped me several times as a child into abusive places, being seperated from my dad sine i was a baby n reuniting when i was 14 n meeting my 5 other siblings with him, my stepdad abusing my daughter and my mother then leaving to be with him n not support my fight to bring him to justice..then when my father passing away in 2010 a few yrs after finally connecting - and feeling like my new found siblings i thought i was bonding with distanced themselves and only expecting me there for family get tigethers but not being available when i was wantg to connect...im all screwed up. My mother moved away now 13yrs ago n stays with my daughters abuser n i again feel abandoned. It is physically painful n i battle each day with this and trying to control it within me. Thank u Alan..im trying to work on myself and ur hitting it on the head...im a work in progress ..its tough but im a fighter.
Amazing video, thank you! Hopefully it is not too late to break the pattern of un-engaged, unemotional relationships that were the product of my childhood emotional neglect. Its truly baffling how no matter how logically aware I am of the pattern, my subconscious keeps finding those people who will help to recreate it, effortlessly! Understanding is powerful
Alan, please continue in this crucially important work. We are simply not taught these concepts in school. Your words have the power to change generations to come for the better. Thank you!
I appreciate hearing that. Glad this content is so helpful. Thank you for valuing my work. If this video is helpful then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
5 років тому+1
Thanks Alan for pointing out that when you put it out there you have (entitled) human needs - you're received in a negative light "needy".
Thank you Alan. Finally started to create real boundaries with my family who cannot engage with me at an emotional level. If you don’t care about my emotions, you don’t care about me. I’ve felt too depressed and invisible for too long because of this. Thank you for validating it’s okay to disengage in this circumstance - it is a physical pain and as Alan says a wound that gets re-traumatised due to early attachment injuries (like drinking poison, every time). It is okay to put yourself first and engage only with those who truly want to know you. Already depression and emptiness fading away... it really wasn’t me, but the result of engaging and putting my all in relationships that don’t see me. Wished I had this realisation 10 years ago. Now trying to deal with that regret, for lost time. Nearly 40 years old but finally realising what I deserve. So much time been lost. Just seems to be a “gift that keeps on giving” but hopefully at some point the grieving will be done, the losses dealt with and the freedom of a new future will be a reality 💜
Thank you for posting this. Now being 54 and having been in therapy on and off since I was a teenager, working to heal myself from having emotionally unavailable parents, having little love and acceptance shown to me and instead received criticism, anger, manipulation and conditional love, this video was very eye opening. I’m now in the process of doing EFT work (tapping) to reprocess and release repressed emotions and childhood traumas (both little and big) and learning to trust my feelings and gain a sense of self and a sense of identity, I know that it’s possible to heal and move forward. But it has been quite a long journey working to rewire my brain and choose new and better ways of thinking and healthier behaviors when relating and interacting with others, especially in intimate relationships. The key is to keep trying and not to give up on healing one’s self, because it is possible.
Thats right Paul! Glad to hear about your healing journey! It is not a quick fix, but it is a lifestyle choice. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I'm new to your videos and I find you so incisive and articulate on the nuance of these types of traumas. It's so validating hearing you unravel this. Up to the 10min mark of this video, you're describing to brutal detail the roots of borderline personality disorder. BPD nearly killed me, and I'm now 12mths in remission. But there is SO much to learn, the more I recover. And some unexpected adjustments in the way I see family members, myself, and learn to set boundaries and even who I am. Thank you so much for what you share here. ❤️
Great Alan, after 7 + years of therapy I can say this is a great video with some awareness backbone. Thanks for your insightful understanding with great clarity in describing.
Thank you for the kind feedback. Glad to hear this content was like a helpful hammer lol. I appreciate you letting me know you resonated. If you like this content and would like to learn more about attachment dynamics then take The Four Attachment Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you... I was told I was too emotional and not accepting him, when none of my needs were met. Drove me crazy and feeling depressed and he left me as didn't understand why I just couldnt accept. Been devastated the last 5 weeks.. beating myself up. But you have just explained what I always knew.. my needs were not being met and I shouldn't feel ashamed for reacting to his criticism of emotion. Thanks again x
This was very useful to hear. I've been going through a breakup with a whole circle of friends, centered around one particularly intimate friend. She and I ran aground when we fully experienced each other's wounded selves a bit too closely- I got needy and anxious for validation and reassurance, she got widthdrawn, didnt stand up for herself and held onto resentments for weeks that came flooding all out at once. When I realized what was happening, I did my best to work on myself, choosing to make space and solidify my self acceptance and emotional boundaries so I wasn't so dependent on her. During that time the rest of my friends refused to accept that I crossed her lines out of ignorance, not selfishness. Got accused of some very hurtful intentions that were plainly untrue. Everytime I came back to try to make amends, there were just more and more problems that she had been holding onto, and she was adimant that it was my fault I couldnt anticipate her needs. A part of me could see that this whole situation wasnt gonna work, because while I agreed that I couldn't anticipate her needs, I disagreed that it was my fault if she didnt explicitly tell me them. But, I knew I would have to leave not only her, but the whole friend circle if the issue was unresolved, and I could see that both of us really wanted to be friends so I caved, said that I would accept responsibility for reconciling while letting her off the hook. Sure enough, the very next and last encounter with her consisted of her stonewalling me and rallying the rest of the friends against me for some percieved slight that I still don't know. The ending would have been the same had I put my foot down and called things off myself, but I could've spared her the pain of false hope and myself the pain of ostracism on bad terms. At the very least, I can learn from this experience to not cave my integrity to pressure, good or bad.
I can’t thank you enough for your videos, they are my constant go to and your words speak to my soul. The world is a better place with you sharing this wisdom. Thankyou so much.
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit. Thank you for valuing my effort. If the videos are helpful then you may also like getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Everything i believed about love and my relationships was wrong. Painful eyeopener. You just told me that things I took as virtue ( acceptance and so on) wasn't virtue but toxic childhood programming in my case. You know it is not first time when something what I believed was good thing turned to be poisonous. First time it was when I understood that I do not practise unconditional love but actually allowing less then i deserve now this. I thought i am ok;) But I was not. Am not. Also what is worst-my marriage can not be...And we have two kids:(
Clare, I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow this was intense, and so detailed, and so so so helpful. Thank you so much for helping people like me make these connections and put into words feelings, and experiences that we’ve lived and have tried to minimize.
I appreciate the kind feedback. Thank you for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these difficult dynamics and share with others. Glad it brings you benefit. Since this video is helpful you may also like getting in on the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is amazing. Most people are really in need of getting answers just like this video provides. I have heard no one explaining this until you, Alan. You are exceptional, Alan.
Thank you for valuing my content Jane. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
I love this message. As an adult that was emotionally neglected I feel sadness at learning how I projected this treatment onto other people for many years. I didn’t even realize I had been emotionally neglected and had never realized it’s what I was doing. It’s so painful to know. I’ve lost so many relationships over the years and now I know why. I’m ready to get to the root of this and fix it on the deep inside. You perfectly described me at about 9 mins and 51 secs in the video; turning into a fake shell of a person...more concerned with my presentation and just showing up”. I couldn’t understand when my presence just wasn’t enough and people wanted more. I must change this. Because I am a very caring and generous person. I have a deep capacity to love. I just don’t know how to connect and emotionally support people. I couldn’t understand why I would get so nervous around people who were trying to connect with me emotionally. I felt like I was being interrogated and exposed. I would always shut the conversations down and change it to get the focus off of me. I don’t even know how to engage on that level when the focus is on me.
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
i know Im randomly asking but does someone know a way to log back into an Instagram account..?
I stupidly forgot the password. I would love any assistance you can offer me!
Do you do personal one-on-one counseling? If so, how can I make contact with you?
When a man contacts you after he breaks up with you
As a healing codependent I just can’t wrap my head around how someone can not ever see YOU in a relationship where you have given 110% of yourself for years. No communication, no engaging, no reciprocation, no empathy. Why do they want you if they have zero intentions of knowing or deeply loving you!?
So true
I’ve recently realized that, at least in my case, it isn’t done intentionally. They simply don’t know how to go past superficial ways of relating to people. They don’t understand the concepts of empathy and emotional vulnerability.
My person was taught as a child that as long as things weren’t distressing or negative, then by default, they’re positive! Nothing could be farther from the truth. His family is SO afraid of negative emotions that none of them can deal with them from others, let alone have them. But emotional intimacy requires that we can handle ALL types of emotions. How the heck can you have an authentic relationship with somebody when you can’t even bring up anything negative? When that person freaks out and gets mad when you mention negative things, how can you be yourself?
I now realize why I’ve felt like such a lonely, unknown, sometimes invisible stranger to my ex and his family. I felt like this when I was growing up, as well. Nobody in my house knew me, or even cared to know me.
I keep picking people to be in my life who are emotionally unavailable, and I don’t know how to break the cycle. I’m not sure I can even be with a “normal” person.
I am immensely relieved to know that I’m not alone, however. Now I have words to put to all of these feelings that have plagued me all of my life. I’ve lived a long life as an extremely empathetic and emotional person surrounded by people who are incapable of emotional intimacy. I am so lonely and sad that I’ve spent my life this way.
You’re an appliance to be taken down when needed and put back when not.
Maybe this idea of giving 110% is really not even possible - and believing someone else can see ALL OF YOU or 110% is an expectation that is unreachable - and of course creates the suffering and anxiety? I mean can we ever even know our SELF 110%?? Isnt it a constant inquiry with knowing our true selves?
@@Yellvis No one has ever articulated my experience better. I hope you've found more healing and connection.
After all these years of thinking something was wrong with ME for being so angry, bitter, depressed, withdrawn. Everyone trying to convince me that maybe my expectations are too high , I'm selfish and should JUST accept things the way they are! THANK YOU for letting me know that my feelings have not been in vain. I'm not crazy after all!!
My dear, you are NOT alone. I have felt the same way and finally realize that my expectations were never too high.. it’s very freeing. I now know where these angry and bitter feelings came from
He's a guru and you're getting hustled.
I’m going thru the same exact thing with all the range of emotions right now . Me being the one that needs more emotional attachment, attention and affection and she being the avoidant and emotionally unavailable. Quite ironic because is usually the woman feeling this way but I am who I am and no matter how many times I ask for more showing up in the relationship .. I’m the needy one and crazy
100 percent spot on
@@blackmax43 Been through the same thing man, felt crazy and like I was the sole cause of ALL of the relationship problems, finally realized it's a two way street. And we deserve someone to be emotionally available.
I've gotten more from Alan and a few others in a couple of hours than in the 5 years of therapy that I've received. Thank you. Your channel is very helpful and healing.
Make that 20 years of therapy for me!
My thoughts exactly!! I've already written a similar comment under another Alan's video.
Thank you Alan for what you're doing!!!
Omg ! I feel the same !!!
I agree
Laura Allison exactly! Ive been in therapy so often and never got anything like this.
For me, it was not only about the partner failing to be inquisitive about my thoughts, feelings, wants, & needs. It was also about his failure to share his own thoughts & feelings with me - especially on the topic of the relationship itself. Also, his selfishness and self-centeredness caused actual material & spiritual harms. I finally realized that even if I could accept the many negative things that it happened over the years, what I could not accept was continuing to be in a relationship with the person who had inflicted that pain and those losses upon me.
I have listened to this several times and every time I cry. I can't even put into words how helpful this is. I've lived and felt all of it with my mother and my husband whom I finaly left almost a year ago. It validates what I have felt so strongly. I have actually hugged you via my tablet. THANK YOU!
Good for you girl! I came here to find advice/help leaving my partner of 6 years. I can tell these are going to help tremendously figure out what to do and how to verbalize that to her. How sweet that you hugged your tablet! ☺
Love to you, Sister!
Proud of you. Working on that. Husband and mother also.
♥️
Seems like as I get older, I am having to face so many things. So many revelations can be frightening, while at the same time enlightening. In a romantic relationship, it's the difference between intimacy and just being together. I need so much more than parents or spouses ever gave me. It is so painful that being alone feels more nurturing. Thank you for your counsel.
"It is so painful that being alone feels more nurturing." My sentiments exactly. I hear you.
You’re not alone.
Holly crap! this message just illuminated a stark truth in my head. i considered myself "needy". i labelled self this since it seemed like i was always having to work to get my emotional needs met by "fill in the blank". just occurred to me i am not needy. i just didn't get my needs filled as a child. then i sought out this need fulfillment in my adult relationships.....rendered self "needy".....well, i am NO LONGER labeling myself "needy"....it is a derogatory term with very detrimental consequences to self...it dissempowers ones ability to know we can fulfill our own needs as adults! thanks again, Alan for very enlightening, helpful messages....xo
Yes!!!...I realized this too
Holy crap your name is Dawna too!!!! This is so wild I never see my name and this is the 3 encounter with a Dawna in the last couple of days 🤣❤️... also great comment!
@@dawnacoxon3111 ....awesome!! 3rd time is a charm, so they say!! haha.....glad you like the comment. geez, i wrote that 3 years ago. i was in a different head space back then and so much has changed with my thinking for the better....hope you are well!
Dawna hi other Dawna! Hope you’re other place is an amazing one! I’m good just using these crazy times to dig into some subconscious patterns and do some weeding 🤣🌱❤️
@@dawnacoxon3111 wonderful...i just noticed this comment now! crazy times indeed. i miss our old life of being carefree. hope you are staying safe and are in a good place mentally. i am a reclusive loner so that aspect doesn't bother me too much but i detest the government controls...anyhow, gotta get a coffee and head to work! sorry for the late response...lol....i had my notifications turned off until recently. was getting into too many ridiculous arguments hahaha...take care
I’ve been in a 20 year relationship with a man who cannot connect with me emotionally. I’ve had several breakdowns that nearly claimed my life. I now understand why. You’ve freed me to move on. Thank you 🙏
How are you doing? I’m in a similar boat. Married 26 years to an emotionally unavailable partner. He’s still my best friend but triggers this wound often. Trying to decide if it’s best to leave….
@@soulswork1111 Hello. I’m still trying to extricate myself from this man. I’ve left him several times but returned to relive the abuse. I’m talking about leaving him and returning YEARS LATER.
Find a safe haven where you feel good, move there and get a therapist who understands the “Trauma Bond.”
Fight for your freedom, fight for your sanity, your self respect…your LIFE.
I’m leaving him again this week. He’s been having an affair so it’s a good time to escape. Moving to my friend’s home that I’ve known for 44 years. I’m praying it is final this time.
God Bless and good luck!🍀😇❤️
🎯Me too! Moving out next month. 30 years of marriage
I'm there too 25 years. but I can't imagine anything else.
I've felt more validation from this video than I think I ever have in my life. Sad honest truth....
You know someone knows what they are talking about when they can describe your inner state without ever having met you. Thanks for the vid.
Thank you for connecting with this content. It's so validating when others relate with what we share. Glad this is helpful.
"I ordered something on Amazon and it got delivered. oh are you going to eat your pickle" yay this must be a real connection!!!
Bill 😂😂 laughed out loud bc it’s so sad all I can do is laugh, I think he must’ve been sitting in on dinner with my Soon to be ex and I 🤦🏼♀️
Sounds familiar. Practical chat at every turn.
😂😂😂
lol That was funny!
🤣
The crowning blow is when a person from a seriously neglectful/abusive background commits suicide and people call them selfish.
The Golden rule covers so many atrocities.
Alan, this is Jennifer Sinclair. You articulated EXACTLY what my mother said to me...."Just accept me the way I am". I said "No, mom. I cannot. It is emotional abuse to provide me shallow talk 100% of the time as and never give more, ever"
My husband says the same exact thing. Why can't I accept him for the way he is? Why do I want to change him? Me being a somewhat loving person with many, many flaws, has the desire to be more loving so i cant understand why a cold stand offish person doesnt want to be more loving as well especially towards their kid. Why doesn't everybody want to be just better? It's kinda crazy how we are all different.
I have felt depressed, lonely and suicidal for so long. None of my relationships ever gave me the emotional connection I needed. In the past weeks I have lost all of my friends and my boyfriend. And I have no one to connect to. I will be working on myself and trying to find the right kind of people for me. I hope I won't feel so scared and alone forever.
Thank you Alan
I hope you're feeling better now, Liana. I completely understand and empathize with your experience and pain.
Sending you L❤️ ve and wishes for Life to grace your life with people who truly love and care about you...for simply who you are, not for what you do.
We all deserve to be seen, valued and loved deeply.
❤️💙🕊💙❤️
@@lemostjoyousrenegade oh my gosh that is so sweet..thank you :)
I do feel much much much better! No more depression after 7 years. Although still with no luck finding friends, but it doesn't get me sad anymore :)
Thank you for your kind message
@@lianab284
You're welcome, angel.
I'm SO glad to hear you're feeling much better!
I'm a quite sensitive soul and reading your comment really tugged at my heartstrings. Therefore, I needed to let you know that you and your feelings and desire for meaningful connections matter...and that I understand you and would be compelled to comfort you (as an understanding friend) if I were in your presence.
Finding a REAL friend can be really hard in these modern times, however, we must KNOW that we deserve them (or at least one) so that we may be able to give all the love we have to give. There's nothing better than mutual, sharing, caring, heart-to-heart connections, nurturing and understanding.
Hugs from San Francisco. 🤗
@@lemostjoyousrenegade Thank you :) I will keep looking and hopefully it'll happen for me one day! Thank you again :D
Hugs from MTL 🌼
@@lianab284
👍🏽❤️ XOX!
Accepting poison at your own expense. Wow, very true. Thank you Alan.
Exactly-- how does someone LOVE someone and not want to know you-- If this is not a mess I don't know what is. I knew this was going on when I was two years old-- "There is no LOVE here?" Was my first remembered thought. I was somehow supposed to bond with the floor, or the dog. I am unable to bond and trust others and my family will always blame me because I could not cope with the emotional deprivation and neglect I grew up with. Evidently, If I was able to exist "without existing" then I would be worth something! LOL!
You worded that really well. And I'm aware it comes from past pain so empathy to you. But I really get why we put the LOL at the end of that inverted dynamic. The there-not there, love you-but don't know you relating-non-relating is so bizarre! Thanks for your clear comment.
you need to look for your happiness and things that you like to fulfill you. family fuck us up and we need to change how we think to see changes. I have to make distance with mine and I have anxiety because I hesitate and have fear for taking decision. but is not what I want, I desserve to be happy so I have learned to be alone and enjoy it, now I need my space in a relationship and notice when other people behave like I used to: needy or clingy. so happy I am not like that anymore.
@@bonitainthekitchen6032 good for you for growing. 👏
They love what they take from you. The "love" turns into anger when you no longer give that someone what they think you owe them. My childhood felt like 40 year old babies raising babies. It is incredibly sad to realize my mother is 74 and has not grown since I was a child, probably since she was a child. McCarthyism = no one is trustworthy. Divorced parents in the '50s = you are no longer human.
Omg I remember having similar thoughts at an early age. I remember thinking, even though I had siblings, “looks like I’m on my own here”. My mom says “oh you’ve always been so independent!”... no mom I just figured out early on that you couldn’t give me what I needed. It wasn’t until later that she started guilting me for not missing her at all when I was in summer camp and I was convinced that it was MY fault and I was the terrible one. 32 fucking years wasted on trying to prove myself worthy. Thank god im still somewhat young
These recordings are helping me come to terms with a realization that I did the right thing in leaving a very toxic relationship, even though he's trying to talk me into coming back to him. Thanks so much.
Hi Jodi Risenmay,
I spotted your comment & the similarities that I was facing. I admire your strength. We are making the right choice to leave but I cannot say with certainty that I would not return. I left my abusive relationship 3 mo. ago.
I still swing back & forth on the pendulum. On the one hand I'm glad that I was strong enough to walk away. While on the other hand, I feel, "Why hasn't he called me?"
Find Alan's videos extremely helpful. I wish you the best on your journey.
May you have continued strength, joy & peace.
Tigerprint79 tbh I'm having a real struggle, emotionally. He's a narcissistic, multi-cheater, I've talked to 2 other women he was having affairs with. Although I know I made the right decision and will never go back, I am grieving the future I thought I'd have. The whole relationship was a lie...doing my best to move on and heal
Are you still okay?
Hit the nail on the head. My family is EXTREMELY emotionally withdrawn- always have made me feel like I am too much and asking for too much. The problem was them and their inability, not me.
It’s somehow relieving to hear my struggle articulated, it gives validation which is a relief. Thank you.
I’ve been in this marriage for 44 years. I was emotionally neglected as a child and married a man that emotionally neglects me. His way of dealing with his hurts is to work all the time, achieve and work, and he looks like such a hero, after all he does it all for me. I’m just waiting to please die so this pain can end. Whenever I try to talk to my husband that I have a problem he immediately negates it and says that he has the problem and I am the source of it, even though he had no problem whatsoever until I said I did. So I stop trying. I settle for whatever attention I get which is often negative, and I cope. All my kids wonder why I’m never satisfied. I mask and smile and cope. It’s late in my life, I have depression, fibromyalgia, and I cry every day multiple times but I know this is my lot until sweet relief finally comes. This world is a test and I hope I pass.
After hearing the end of your video I’m empowered to let myself live. Whether my spouse changes or not I will live.
'It's a chronic grief' provocative daily sadness. and 'it's not your job to accept being rejected!' wow that spoke to me. Thank you for this talk.
Glad this video spoke to you. If this video was helpful then you may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
HOLY. SHIRT. BALLS. Thank you so much. 5 years later. I’ve been grieving a toxic attachment for a year, beating myself up bc the last time we talked he said he expected more compassion from his partner, and I was “fighting too much.” My fights were about being neglected, invalidated, belittled, unheard. So not only did I come off “high maintenance for wanting care, but I also was made out to be the bad one for not being wholly loving and unconditionally accepting of cruel abusive treatment at worst and at best, just massive stone walls of avoidance.
And as someone who was raised w abuse, I tried my entire childhood to love and accept my father and felt GUILT that I wasn’t go at “letting it go.”
There’s absolutely no reason to just accept poor treatment. Thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you for your reflection and feedback. I see this video spoke to you. I can empathize with what you shared. These dynamics are challenging. You have great awareness. Glad this video was of benefit.
Brilliant explanation. Explains why I am so attached to emotionally unavailable men. Emotional neglect during childhood. No more poison from dysfunctional relating with people who can't give me what I need
I grew up with authoritarian parents...emotional childhood neglect. I am an avoidant and attract avoidant partners. But I am emotional and very attached to people, friends etc. Working on myself and I left a relationship 2.months ago as I kept feeling the disconnect with my ex who is totally emotionally unavailable and avoids all deep conversations. I explained this to him and walked away. I can't accept crumbs for my wellbeing . On the path of recovery ❤️❤️❤️
I can tell you resonated with this content. Hopefully it's helpful reflecting like this. Thanks for your reflection.
Thank you so much for this!!
I m struggling to accept an emotionally unavailable partner, and these are exactly the thoughts that run through my mind. That I am the faulty one for not accepting him the way he is and that I should be strong enough to live with that.
I feel alone but when I try to explain it to him I am faced with all kinds of "tangible" excuses, like "I am here, aren't I?", or "but we do things together, we have dinner, we watch movies, we talk on the phone from work". I feel like everything I say sounds woo woo to him. Don't know how people live like this. It feels so lonely.
Thank you for validating me, it feels a lot better.😊
Leave him. You don't need the emotional abuse.
This information made me cry!! What a great relief to know, that my intentions and needs are ok and not to much to ask for. Thank you with all my heart, Alan!!! Namaste.
Thank you Allen for describing the prison that I lived in for 36 years in marriage. God Almighty has used your words to bring me freedom and deliver me. Thank you
Almost more than I can bear to listen to this because it’s so accurate and puts words to the pain and the confusion and the deep emptiness. The grief is very real and paralysing.
I believe that it is what you are accepting. I came to an awareness that allowed me to change my response to those who are toxic in my life when I accepted that those individuals can not be changed in their view or response to me no matter what I try. Therefore it helped me to remove the change my communication with then. Of course it doesn't make the situation perfect right away. I still slip into self doubt and sorrow but I am able to grow in standing up for myself and start a process to change the dynamic. It was not about accepting the behaviour it was about accepting that I should stop looking for emotional stability from those individuals.
Good insight Kristy. It helps others to read your words. It offers some direction into possible change. Thank you for the comment.
thanks for giving me hope & clarity....I was waiting for the part where Alan advised No Contact, which would be very difficult and isolating for me. I got those NC vibes strongly throughout his message
I always have a UA-cam video like this playing in the background as I go to sleep. I've naturally woken up at 6.30am and heard a life altering point of this video. I've had years of DA partners tell me I'm the problem and I'm too needy etc but now I realise my problem all along has been to choose these men that neglect and abandon me over and over which reconfirms I'm unlovsble/replaceable over and over. For the first time since my break up I feel relief it's over and I don't want him anymore. Thank you x a million!
I appreciate this feedback. Glad this video was impactful and sparked reflection for you. Thank you for letting me know this content helped you find some relief. If this video was helpful, then you may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thanks for your comment.
Check out the quiz:
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Emotional neglect by the parents... so true. You can have a "normal" childhood, a house to live in etc. But if parents can connect with you when you are small and growing up, it carries into your adult life. Emotional neglect is so importamt
Why is healing from attachment issues so difficult? It's like my brain keeps playing games on me. One moment I tell myself I can't continue tolerating abuse and the next I question myself for not trying hard enough. It feels like an addiction to abuse. It's overwhelming.
Did you figure out how to stop I have the same problem
You're right it's so confusing and so complex is just not easy to turn off thoughts
@@lorynledet6243I'm still trying to control it what about you?
After seeking therapy post divorce, the light bulb at the center of my childhood keeps getting brighter..just wow.
As a person who has for more than 50 years been dealing with my own experience of Attachment trauma and Narcissistic childhood sexual abuse and resultant C-PTSD I can confirm that as you say there are no easy answers,no quick fixes It's all on you.Finding your Self from scratch and coming to terms with that sense of bewilderment is no easy thing.It takes a while to assimilate the message contained in this video,so simple yet so mind-blowing.But thank God it's out there.To anyone else:It does get easier if you put the work in.No pain no gain.
2 years late but I see you, I relate, I’m proud of you for doing the work and I hope you’re doing great today
@@maepeterson7197 Thankyou Mae.Much appreciated.And yes I'm doing great.Hope you are too.A lot happens in two years huh....but mostly I just find myself wondering why the frell it took me so long to work it all out EL OH EL
At 32 I’m finally getting there.
Glad to hear it. Aren't we lucky that we have access to experts like these via the internet :)@@NattyByNature-
This is an amazing interpretation of why its not good to keep visiting those that won't relate to you in an honest and open level and you leave rewounded everytime. The emotional hang over everytime you visit with your parent or even when you are trying to connect with some you care for or love and they will not engage and are distant and withdrawn; emotionally unavailable. These are now issues I will no longer tolerate in a relationship as a meaningful connection is what I have been looking for and I have been tolerating crumbs, unrelating, and not having an honest and genuine conversation with men, I have been involved with in my life. I learned so much and will no longer tolerate this unhealthy and superficial way of relating again. Thanks you for explaining this so well!
As a therapist who works with women in struggling relationships this was a helpful video as it truly captures the 'surface level' relationship ("are you going to eat your pickle") vs. the relationship / marriage that has depth and empathy and curiosity about their partner. Emotional disconnect is often what brings my clients to see me and your explanation of the consequences of emotional neglect and how it influences adult behaviours/ relationships is instructive. Thanks! :)
Thanks for your feedback and for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. Glad to hear you found the content helpful. It is so important to keep talking about the ripple out effect that attachment trauma has in our adult relationships. Let's continue this conversation.
I also want to share, since you like this content and you may already be aware, but you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This is the type of content we discuss in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.
Thank you so much. You just validated my experience with both of my parents. Every single word you spoke was a validation and a confirmation of the emotional neglect I have experienced. Thank you so much.
This has been my life. My entire life. What relief to hear you say these perfect words. I can't relate to my family at all. My twin sister is a narcissist (fraternal). And I'm really trying to come to terms with all of this, and how to not feel guilty by cutting them out.
God!!! The end is just mind blowing! Thank you so so so so much for this information.
Wow this is exactly what just happened to me in my relationship. My reactions and my doubts about why i cannot just except this emotional lack of connection and that my needs are not getting met. It really felt like a betrayal to myself when i tried and i got physical sick. I realized only than after a few years that my own betrayal was the cause and made a decision to stop the relationship cause it was to toxic for me and i was getting angrier and angrier.
When i saw you video i realized i that this is coming from attachment trauma. That relates perfectly to me because i was adopted when i was 6 and my mother died when i was a baby. Also the adoptive parents were abusive and never available. So i am in big trouble. Thanks for posting this video you are a lifesaver! I know now where to work on and made me more aware of the needs of my kids. Thank you so much!
Wow that was extremely helpful. J grew up not getting much of that even tho my childhood looked “normal” often times my parents or step parent thought I was lying. Now when I relate with my partner and I have the need to be heard , they avoid, and it is extremely painful to me.
In my past relationship I never felt validated even one single time. And I thought I was too needy!
Me too I always felt like I was nagging them or talking to much or being overbearing and needy
Wow! You make incredible content. Unreal! The way that you put this all into language blows my mind. I have a hard time articulating this to my husband. I explain to him that his silence feels like emotional abuse. He stone walls me, and in return I get extremely emotional. I tell him his silence is killing me but he honestly cannot see that there is anything wrong. He refuses counseling and tells me that I’m the only one who needs it since I have the abandonment issues, and since I cannot handle my emotions. Yet, I feel he gaslights me and makes me question my reality. I have developed anxiety, which has caused me eczema, faint spells, and an irregular menstrual cycle. As much as I do not want to divorce, I feel like I have to. I’ve recently got on medication, because I almost passed out at work. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, and I am only 28.
I'm glad you liked the video Felicia. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you once again, Alan. Possibly the most relatable video yet. It is not my job to accept rejection. It is not my job to try to fix someone else. Thank you. ❤️
Ouch! Golden observations of the destruction of self due to being denied love, denied being present authenticity and the resultant diseases, stressors, and consequences.
Thanks for sharing this excellent diagnosis of rejection and psychological dynamics.
OMG. I have been listening to videos about narcissistic abuse for 5 years to learn what you have just explained in this one video.
Thank you for the feedback and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings benefit.
Alan, you are a breath of fresh air to the minds of so many who are stuck in this endless cycle of self betrayal. I tried for a year to mold my reality to fit a very emotionally withdrawn person to the point of my own physical and emotional detriment and it was the support and message from those who are in the healing and recovery community to help guide me to come out. I am so grateful for your message and knowledge and ability to refine your language to such accuracy that it really gets there and I get it. I feel like you are being guided by some spiritual intelligence to bring this message but that's another topic. Thank you!
Clarity and words that make sense. Thank you so much. Dispel the gaslighting. See the situation as it really is. As I see and feel it ... being emotionally ignored , accepting a low grade daily poison, betraying yourself. That is exactly what it was and felt like.
I am so relieved to hear what you're saying and its the first time someone has spoken from this perspective. I've been trying so hard to accept this emotional neglect from my mother and had so much guilt and confusion in cutting her out of my life over the last few months. Thank you so much. This has been most helpful!
I appreciate the comment. Thank you for letting me this connected for you and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit.
Also if this video is helpful then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
"you are colluding with your own history of abuse.."
Wow. Who knew? This explains a lot. You are a gift. Thank you.
I'm at 26 now and I felt more heard from this video than from my parents my entire life.
Thanks for the video Alan, cheers :)
Lim, thanks for the feedback. I'm glad to hear you found benefit from my video. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
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Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.
I tried emotionally engaging with my ex. Didn't work. He couldn't handle it. he doesn't understand feelings. I know understand that i have to let him go completely. I still try to emotionally engage as a friend now but he doesn't get it, after we talk i feel very drained and emotional. So i decided to ignore him and focus on my friends. But it is difficult to accept the reality to not being able to emotionally engage. I still want him to see ME but he doesn't ... It makes me very angry. I would do it differently next time.
You are not the only one experiencing this
How are you feeling these days? Did u solve it
We still don't talk. Hé still ignores me on these rare occasions we run into each other. I am still single, not waiting for him, but didn"t meet the right guy yet. Mainly focussing on myself, my happyness , my wellbeing and the next chapter in my life with a new house.
Wow. You brought the sauce on this video. Thank you Alan. This one articulated everything that I have been trying to desperately out run and avoid knowing, seeing and feeling. Thank you and for others like you that are validating the intense pain of attachment trauma. And for giving information on the steps it takes to move toward healing. To everyone out there that is coming to a deeper awareness and acceptance of their life story, don't give up- we owe it to ourselves to heal. In love, light and peace, may God bless us all.
Listened to this so many times that I can almost "sing along.". Can't say thank you enough Alan.!!
Donna Cohen lol...that's great. Thank you. Glad this one resonates so much.
Such a great video thank you Alan!!. When I first watched this 3 years ago I took your advice as hard as it was and separated from my parents. I needed to heal and they kept traumatizing me. It was poison. I distanced from all my family and many friends as the patterns all played out. I worked on myself and healed my attachment and abandonment trauma. I was then finally able to have surface phone conversations with them for 5 minutes knowing who they were and that is all they have to offer. It would have been impossible to communicate with them had i not healed that deeply rooted pain. It was horrific.
Sending love to anyone going through this. Loving yourself enough to distant yourself from these people is crucial to healing and recovery. You are worth it and you are loved.
I didn't know to what extent this early childhood experience has and still had on my life and why I have been recreating it in my love interests with unemotional men...omg
Yep same here! 35 now and a long string of dissapointing relaitonships ....glad to finally understand it more
Me too. Me too. 😐
girl! let me tell you that it wasnt easy to walk away from all this players and give myself the respect that I deserve. it has taking me years
Same
OMG this is my relationship - no interest in my emotions and not valued. I feel invisible
Omg!!! Thank you sooooo much for this incredible video! Finally someone can validate the reasoning behind me letting go of the relationship I have with my mother. It’s incredibly painful to hold on to a relationship that was non existent in the first place. I actually cried watching this because you hit it on the mark especially when you said how your system is chronically on arousal, anxiety, hormone imbalance etc. It makes total sense. God really blessed me by sending me this video! Thank you so much 💕
exceptional, so thorough, the feelings he describes we are left with from the emotional neglect is spot on, namely 'life or death'
"Oh, are you going to eat that pickle?"
Love this guy.
exactly! I'm going to lose my mind if i keep trying to accept this toxicity
I've spent years trying to identify what is wrong in our relationship. I'm very aware of the surface talk and it doesnt go any deeper. So I feel this disconnect from him. A true emotional bond just isnt there. I'm beyond frustrated with him and becoming resentful. He can come off as cold, ignorant and aloof when I try to spell out what I need from him for this relationship to work. We need to identify what is wrong and then work on solutions.
This is only the second video in your series I've watched and already I've had two 'ah ha' moments.
Thank you.
Hello Alan. Thank you so much for telling and helping me and others know the truth about attachment trauma. I can resonate to everything you said. You exactly described what i've been through inwardly and outwardly in my relationship. I grew up so confused until at some point where i felt very drained and empty. I experienced overwhelming pain and sadness. I felt so hungry and thirsty for love, affection, validation, truth and a sense of freedom which i never and will never get from my narcissistic mother. I listened to videos about attachment trauma just recently and knew about it after 37 years.
If you say how you are feeling, you get accused of complaining...
You are not to a) complain about anything that you can't change and b) feel unhappy about anything, you should put on a brave face and see the silver lining or the bright side of things. Not only was this the way it was growing up, it was the way it was in my last relationship. As a child, my siblings and I were not allowed to argue, we had to "get long". I now have done this to my children... How do I change it and what do I do instead when conflict between them arises? I have never been aware of any of this until the last 6 months... I'm a slow work in progress.
I've not bought it yet but the book 'Running on Empty' is said to be really good. About childhood emotional neglect, how to deal with your parents as an adult and your children - following childhood emotional neglect.
I think it comes down to listening. You can both give them discipline by telling them fighting is wrong but also listen to what started it, how each person is feeling, what they want, etc. then teaching them healthy ways of expressing their frustrations. A lot of parents get the “stop fighting” part right, but I don’t know many who genuinely ask “why are you fighting?”
Thank you. I was married for 38 years with a husband totally emotionally detached. Eventually divorced. It was so very hard. Thank you so much. This has put a light on my journey
Thanks for the kind words. Glad you found this helpful. Thanks for valuing my work.
You have saved me thousands of dollars of therapy with your channel. Thank you
I appreciate the comment. Thank you for letting me know the videos are helpful.
If you get benefit from my work, please consider becoming a sustaining supporter and join our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I really am impressed by the timing of releasing the video, I've been thinking a lot about this topic recently and it has caused me a lot of distress and hurt. The ongoing daily dysfunction of being around family members who never made me feel seen or heard is just too much, thank you for reminding me that I'm not lacking compassion or acceptance. I'm grateful that I have a few friends who reciprocate that level of emotional connection i need but still my family wound is so deep especially that it keeps reinforcing itself everyday with how they interact with me. I don't know how to handle this, I talked to them before they acknowledged their mistakes and apologized but their behavior didn't change. I'm confused and hurt.
Empathy to you. Thank you for valuing my efforts to capture these difficult dynamics and share with others. It can be painful when family doesn't welcome change.
This is something that comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is one of, if not the best videos I’ve seen. Your language and words are so easy to understand. Thank you.
I appreciate the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit.
I remember when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you haven't heard about the Community take the relationship quiz: www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you for your video, it was super validating to hear an expert explain my life experiences in such an elegant way.
My therapist could never quite get what was referring to when discussing not feeling seen by my partner and told me the same "He's not a mind reader, why can't you accept him for who he is?" line. It began feeling like my expectations of a loving partner who acknowledges my presence consistently enough is completely unrealistic and maybe there's just something wrong with me.
Thank you for sharing your experience and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad this video speaks to you.
If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
8:28 On how emotional unavailability from the caretakers fosters losing one's voice. And once one's self-worth is shattered (lost of self), it can foster codependence.
How to get out of there? Certainly not by trying to patch a bruised or shattered so-called self-worth... but on discovering who you really are, beyond the value people attribute to you.
This channel is life changing and provides immense insight and healing in such an attainable format. I’m so grateful
Paria, Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you! This was such a helpful video. I appreciate how careful and deliberate you choose your words to accurately explain things. Im not doubting my feelings any longer and wondering if they are justified.
Hi Remember Jet 2,
Thanks for your inspiration! I'm still in the "not sure" of my decision mode.
Left the toxic relationship 3 mos. ago. I hope in time that I can stand behind my decision & feel good about it.
Hope you are continuing to do well & staying convicted.
Angie I feel the same as you......This is affirming and very healing ...thank you Alan
You are god sent for sure to heal. Ive read in a brief time many of your videos and quantum leaped in my growth. You really do understand from experience and you deliver it sooooo well. You have such a great grasp of language and communicating. Very generous of you to give freely. Your a GREAT MAN!
I've most certainly subscribed. :)
Wow...I feel like you are voicing everything ive been struggling with. My need to connect emotionally is so strong. Having had a mom who dumped me several times as a child into abusive places, being seperated from my dad sine i was a baby n reuniting when i was 14 n meeting my 5 other siblings with him, my stepdad abusing my daughter and my mother then leaving to be with him n not support my fight to bring him to justice..then when my father passing away in 2010 a few yrs after finally connecting - and feeling like my new found siblings i thought i was bonding with distanced themselves and only expecting me there for family get tigethers but not being available when i was wantg to connect...im all screwed up. My mother moved away now 13yrs ago n stays with my daughters abuser n i again feel abandoned. It is physically painful n i battle each day with this and trying to control it within me. Thank u Alan..im trying to work on myself and ur hitting it on the head...im a work in progress ..its tough but im a fighter.
i love it !thank you the way you explain that accepting neglect is reinforcing self betrayal is so true
Amazing video, thank you! Hopefully it is not too late to break the pattern of un-engaged, unemotional relationships that were the product of my childhood emotional neglect. Its truly baffling how no matter how logically aware I am of the pattern, my subconscious keeps finding those people who will help to recreate it, effortlessly! Understanding is powerful
Alan, please continue in this crucially important work. We are simply not taught these concepts in school. Your words have the power to change generations to come for the better. Thank you!
Thank you for the kind words and for seeing value in my work.
Omg you are the only real connecting counselor on UA-cam. THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU.
I’ve been looking for this info and validation my whole life. Cannot thank you enough for sharing this insight!
I appreciate hearing that. Glad this content is so helpful. Thank you for valuing my work.
If this video is helpful then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thanks Alan for pointing out that when you put it out there you have (entitled) human needs - you're received in a negative light "needy".
Thank you Alan. Finally started to create real boundaries with my family who cannot engage with me at an emotional level. If you don’t care about my emotions, you don’t care about me. I’ve felt too depressed and invisible for too long because of this. Thank you for validating it’s okay to disengage in this circumstance - it is a physical pain and as Alan says a wound that gets re-traumatised due to early attachment injuries (like drinking poison, every time). It is okay to put yourself first and engage only with those who truly want to know you. Already depression and emptiness fading away... it really wasn’t me, but the result of engaging and putting my all in relationships that don’t see me. Wished I had this realisation 10 years ago. Now trying to deal with that regret, for lost time. Nearly 40 years old but finally realising what I deserve. So much time been lost. Just seems to be a “gift that keeps on giving” but hopefully at some point the grieving will be done, the losses dealt with and the freedom of a new future will be a reality 💜
Thank you for posting this. Now being 54 and having been in therapy on and off since I was a teenager, working to heal myself from having emotionally unavailable parents, having little love and acceptance shown to me and instead received criticism, anger, manipulation and conditional love, this video was very eye opening. I’m now in the process of doing EFT work (tapping) to reprocess and release repressed emotions and childhood traumas (both little and big) and learning to trust my feelings and gain a sense of self and a sense of identity, I know that it’s possible to heal and move forward. But it has been quite a long journey working to rewire my brain and choose new and better ways of thinking and healthier behaviors when relating and interacting with others, especially in intimate relationships. The key is to keep trying and not to give up on healing one’s self, because it is possible.
Thats right Paul! Glad to hear about your healing journey! It is not a quick fix, but it is a lifestyle choice.
Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I'm new to your videos and I find you so incisive and articulate on the nuance of these types of traumas. It's so validating hearing you unravel this. Up to the 10min mark of this video, you're describing to brutal detail the roots of borderline personality disorder. BPD nearly killed me, and I'm now 12mths in remission. But there is SO much to learn, the more I recover. And some unexpected adjustments in the way I see family members, myself, and learn to set boundaries and even who I am. Thank you so much for what you share here. ❤️
Great Alan, after 7 + years of therapy I can say this is a great video with some awareness backbone. Thanks for your insightful understanding with great clarity in describing.
This is exactly what I’m going through right now. It’s what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Alan, You are amazing. I have never been able to articulate all my feelings but you are able to hit the nail exactly on the head. Thank you
Thank you for the kind feedback. Glad to hear this content was like a helpful hammer lol. I appreciate you letting me know you resonated. If you like this content and would like to learn more about attachment dynamics then take The Four Attachment Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you... I was told I was too emotional and not accepting him, when none of my needs were met. Drove me crazy and feeling depressed and he left me as didn't understand why I just couldnt accept. Been devastated the last 5 weeks.. beating myself up. But you have just explained what I always knew.. my needs were not being met and I shouldn't feel ashamed for reacting to his criticism of emotion. Thanks again x
empathy to you danielle
This was very useful to hear.
I've been going through a breakup with a whole circle of friends, centered around one particularly intimate friend. She and I ran aground when we fully experienced each other's wounded selves a bit too closely- I got needy and anxious for validation and reassurance, she got widthdrawn, didnt stand up for herself and held onto resentments for weeks that came flooding all out at once.
When I realized what was happening, I did my best to work on myself, choosing to make space and solidify my self acceptance and emotional boundaries so I wasn't so dependent on her. During that time the rest of my friends refused to accept that I crossed her lines out of ignorance, not selfishness. Got accused of some very hurtful intentions that were plainly untrue.
Everytime I came back to try to make amends, there were just more and more problems that she had been holding onto, and she was adimant that it was my fault I couldnt anticipate her needs.
A part of me could see that this whole situation wasnt gonna work, because while I agreed that I couldn't anticipate her needs, I disagreed that it was my fault if she didnt explicitly tell me them. But, I knew I would have to leave not only her, but the whole friend circle if the issue was unresolved, and I could see that both of us really wanted to be friends so I caved, said that I would accept responsibility for reconciling while letting her off the hook. Sure enough, the very next and last encounter with her consisted of her stonewalling me and rallying the rest of the friends against me for some percieved slight that I still don't know. The ending would have been the same had I put my foot down and called things off myself, but I could've spared her the pain of false hope and myself the pain of ostracism on bad terms. At the very least, I can learn from this experience to not cave my integrity to pressure, good or bad.
I can’t thank you enough for your videos, they are my constant go to and your words speak to my soul. The world is a better place with you sharing this wisdom. Thankyou so much.
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit. Thank you for valuing my effort.
If the videos are helpful then you may also like getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Everything i believed about love and my relationships was wrong. Painful eyeopener. You just told me that things I took as virtue ( acceptance and so on) wasn't virtue but toxic childhood programming in my case. You know it is not first time when something what I believed was good thing turned to be poisonous. First time it was when I understood that I do not practise unconditional love but actually allowing less then i deserve now this. I thought i am ok;) But I was not. Am not. Also what is worst-my marriage can not be...And we have two kids:(
"... You're colluding with your own history of abuse." 😭😭😭
This is an amazing video. Thank you.
Clare, I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
i stumbled accross your videos randomly and its like you are talkign right into my situation. amazing insight.....good insights here.
Wow this was intense, and so detailed, and so so so helpful. Thank you so much for helping people like me make these connections and put into words feelings, and experiences that we’ve lived and have tried to minimize.
I appreciate the kind feedback. Thank you for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these difficult dynamics and share with others. Glad it brings you benefit.
Since this video is helpful you may also like getting in on the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for helping me find my voice. I've been slowly developing it for the last couple years. This is a breakthrough.
Feeling so unloved/unloveable is such a horrible existence 😢
I hear you. Empathy to all of us. May we allow in compassion and gentleness for ourselves.
This is amazing. Most people are really in need of getting answers just like this video provides. I have heard no one explaining this until you, Alan. You are exceptional, Alan.
Thank you for valuing my content Jane. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
I love this message. As an adult that was emotionally neglected I feel sadness at learning how I projected this treatment onto other people for many years. I didn’t even realize I had been emotionally neglected and had never realized it’s what I was doing. It’s so painful to know. I’ve lost so many relationships over the years and now I know why. I’m ready to get to the root of this and fix it on the deep inside. You perfectly described me at about 9 mins and 51 secs in the video; turning into a fake shell of a person...more concerned with my presentation and just showing up”. I couldn’t understand when my presence just wasn’t enough and people wanted more. I must change this. Because I am a very caring and generous person. I have a deep capacity to love. I just don’t know how to connect and emotionally support people. I couldn’t understand why I would get so nervous around people who were trying to connect with me emotionally. I felt like I was being interrogated and exposed. I would always shut the conversations down and change it to get the focus off of me. I don’t even know how to engage on that level when the focus is on me.
That is exactly why I got divorced and what becomes unbearable with my original family.
Thank you so much for letting me understand what's going on.
Amazing stuff, explained everything going on in my life .