I totally relate to Yvette…..my brother told me once ‘if a guy wants to see you, he’ll call you’……it’s really as simple as that….if there’s confusion, it’s a big red flag 🚩
If you're reading these comments Yvette, please know that you dodged a bullet when this guy DIDN'T call you back. You've been through a lot, but you're still here, so keep trying. Good luck to you!
Reminds me of something recently said to me. I was lamenting that others have had it far worse, including who I was talking to, and relating that to how I don't understand why I'm so broken over less happening to me. She said "There is no harder, there is only hard." It's not a competition. Damage is damage.
I can empathize with Yvette totally, that happened to me in my early 20s, I met someone who was avoidant and kept me at arms length, the more I tried to pulled close the more he backed away. That period of my life was very hard but eventually I did get through it.
Even though she is aware of her father's outward disdain towards her as she grew up, in my life, having had a similar father, I put it aside in my being. I am a senior now and I have had to process and integrate that into my consciousness and see it as a mature grownup. I have begun in a serious way, to understand it, what it did to me in real time and to let it go. This is a hugely painful journey but I realize that his hatefulness was towards everyone and can let go of taking it personally. My insecurity all my life was based on not really knowing how to BE. Fear was always there, thinking any moment, the person would react the same as my father did. I wish her strength and a knowing that you are a worthy person on this earth.
My parents friends also criticized me, I actually didn’t know this happened to other people. My parents openly criticized me in front of other people and I would often get attacked by their friends after they saw me being berated by my parents, hitting me with, “yeah, kids these days...”. I was often the only young person around (young adult even) so they took all their insecurities out on me. I’m old enough to know that it was really pathetic of them to gang up on someone OLD ENOUGH TO BE THIR CHILD, I can’t imagine being so low, however it really does effect my self worth all the same to know that no one (parents and parental figures) would ever stand up for me, or even just simply NOT berate me when given the chance.
Oh my gosh, this was so good. I was obsessed with limerence for so long. It started in childhood I was always living on fantasy island bc my life was so crappy. Well glad to say that I'm not 100% but I am healing and have been disciplining myself to stop fantasizing about people that I like and also to let men approach me. And not talking so much about them and to everyone has been a game changer. It definitely helps and has made me feel a lot better, more confident and more in control of my life.
This video rang a lot of bells for me; when I was 20, I met a guy who'd been hired to work temp at the place I was employed and we clicked like nobody's business! He came over to my apartment and we cuddled and talked all night - did NOT have sex but it was magical! Then I immediately got ghosted and it took me years to puzzle out what had happened. While I've since figured out that I DO have an anxious attachment style, ultimately I think he MIGHT have been homeless and just needed a place to spend the night and not be out on the street!? Sometimes it's you, and sometimes it might be THEM!?! 🤔
I so feel for Yvette. After two multi hours dates, my limerent object pulled away. It exposed a wound so deep that I’m now committed to healing it before attaching to another person. Hope she’s in a better place
Oh I can SO SO relate to the lady who wrote to you. I am 56 and have experienced this so much in dating especially my younger years. You are not alone hun. Hugs.
I agree. It can be disheartening. It can feel like as if your whole being, you as a person have been devalued or disqualified in the eyes of everyone. I'm looking for a way to overcome measuring my value based on the response of others towards me.
Her folding the laundry was creepy to him. That’s why she never got called back. I’m not trying to be mean, she probably doesn’t realize how it came across.
Yvette, there are hundreds of red flags in the behavior of this guy. It is way too early to call you the dogs' new mommy! You should not go to his place on the first date "to keep the night going": he will wait if he likes you. You need to put some space! He did some love bombing there...
As a person who struggles with my weight, this letter writer maybe on the chubbier side (as she herself put it) BECAUSE of childhood emotional neglect which makes you self soothe with food
Just listening to this made me feel stifled and overwhelmed - I'm an avoidant and it sounds to me like the guy said all the right things to try to get her into bed, then maybe he was too drunk to perform. Then he wakes up and it's like she's trying to be his mother, folding his clothes and hanging around outstaying her welcome, yuck!! No criticism of the letter writer implied, just pointing out how it feels to an avoidant type.
If only avoidants were honest! As an anxious, the "getting into bed" part is not the problem - it's the confusion and dissonance of the mixed message. If sex is all you want, just say it...anxious attachment is not a weak attachment style, we just have a lower tolerance for instability or uncertainty.
@@natalie77867 yes agreed. Anxious attachers, and people in general, should not lie about their intentions in order to get sex or anything else. However, they very often do, particularly men who understand that most women want a committed relationship, and if they say all the right things, they are more likely to get sex. I agree it's disgusting and dishonest
I’m 54 and I just can’t find people to be friends with.most people of my age have friends and family already ,their lives are already full and they don’t have time to invest in new friendships 😢
@@Captain_MonsterFart Yep. My mom is in her late 50s and joined a women's fitness club a couple of years ago after my dad passed away and has made a ton of new friends. She even vacations with them sometimes. OP, it's never too late to find your people.😊
Oh I got a love heart on my comment from Crappy Childhood Fairy - Cleary we are meant to be together forever - it will be perfect! (I'm just kidding - don't be afraid!) lol
This is great stuff! I have a friend in limerence and these direct but gentle information is helpful. I look for the kindest way to try to help her let a guy go. This is beautiful work! Thank you so much to the honest and worth writer for being so vulnerable and doing what you need to free yourself! ❤❤ You are worthy of someone who loves you!!
Hey Anna, I just wanted to thank you for this video. The tips, especially about slowing down, will stay with me for a really long time. I'm so sick of constantly hearing that I just need to learn to regulate my anxiety. Of course that's important but making sure there is less to he anxious about is surely a better way to go about it. I'm not going to merge with someone like that instantly anymore. Then the fear of losing them won't be so intense that my whole world ends if they don't text me back for half an hour.
Anna - longtime viewer, first time commenter. This video resonated with me so much. I appreciate what you do. You're a shero, lol. I'm heavy (result of eating disorder - I was very skinny growing up) and often think I'll never find love. What your friend said about "if you wanna get screwed, get skinny.. or you'll have to wait around like everyone else". It hit me and I started crying. Such a simple way to put such a deep idea. You are so full of wisdom! Your friends and family, especially your kids, are very lucky to have you in their life. Thank you for doing your thing on here out loud to help all of us!!
can you do a video about (physical) self image? You have referenced your triumph over feeling like your trauma is written all over you and visible to everyone else. I think this is a serious issue for a lot of us, and I would love to hear how you talk to yourself about a healthy physical self image (without going into hypersexuality/narcissism OR self-hatred). Thanks :) Love, Tim
I had a hover mother. As an adult, anxious attatchment style feels like being fed friendship through a firehose! I tried restating and enforcing boundaries. (with a friend, neighbir lady). I have come to realize that i can't cintrol, change her. We've gone no contact and my shingles are clearing up. The overgiving and overfunctioning felt transactional. I couldn't financially or physically keep up and i don't like to feel indebted. I'm 71 and suffer with chronic pain. I'd rather struggle alone than be nibbled to death by a baby duck!
I always bring the rejection back to not pretty enough too. But now I can see it was the desperate energy and probably not my face. Going to keep trying to heal just in case my face isn't the root cause of the problem 😅
I have a feeling that both the writer and Anna are reading too much into this situation. It might not be a full-blown anxiety attachment and limerance but honestly bad luck chosing and filtering partners like this out. I have been in these shoes and can relate. First of all, I think you should trust your instincts. She said she did not like the guy at first and fell in love with him later because he pursued her and gave her attention until she mentally convinced her that he was the right guy for her, aka crap fitting Usually the first instinct is spot on and it can save you a lot of headache and time on. You should pick somebody who gives you very friendly, open vibe, somebody you feel comfortable with and who seems genuinely interested in your life experiences and you as a person. You should also find him cute and attractive from the start Regarding this guy, I am getting somehow emotionally unavailable guy vibes, even manipulative ones. He is most likely with his ex now and maybe was with her the whole time but did not mind some extra attention from you. Maybe he was saying how perfect you were the whole time, how much you had in common and bluffed about the future together, aka future faking. My advice to you is that if you see sudden change in behavior within one evening during time together, any sulking, passive aggression, you just get your purse, your shoes and leave. I also have no problem confronting the guy and asking them if they lost interest, at least you know where you stand and it is OK to call their bullshit out. And then you never, ever see and contact then again Regarding the weight, I have this problem myself but have lost quite a lot of weight myself. What I can practically advise you to lose the weight for yourself because it will affect how you feel about yourself and help you attract the right person when you change from inside out. Some things I did was walking a lot, weight resistance training, taking anti-depressants, seeing a dietician and writing a food journal together with all obsessive compulsive thoughts, cravings and doing heck a lot of meal prep ahead of time and avoiding eating out.There are guys who are attracted to girls in larger bodies and will be still attracted to you. You do not have to settle down for someone less than what you deserve but you need to be patient in the dating process and sort the right people out. I would advise people to get off dating sites but use social media to go to live events where you meet people your age and with your interests.
He might not be the right partner, he might even had not-so-good-intentions, but the thing is she acted in an inappropriate way. This was not (only, if you may) a matter of choosing badly. It was an issue of throwing herself onto him with a "fix me" energy. That's bound to end badly, as Anna said.
Bra-vo! 👏👏 (Great take on this. I had similar thoughts. I felt that even if you have an insecure attachment style, when someone is good for you, and is emotionally available, he will not be put off so much.) But I still think we should all work on our issues, just because of our overall life- quality. Greetings from Croatia, Melita. 😆
Red flags of note: -Met on a dating site. -The guy ‘seemed’ to ‘like’ a lot of the things she did. -The animal comment (re: you’ve got a new mom) -Back to his place. -‘Seemingly’ engaging conversation (?love-bombing) Imo, too many red flags.
@@shabbykat273 He could be. He’s definitely manipulative, and that is concerning. We don’t know a thing about him. That takes time. We should always judge for ourselves, not take their word for it (could be lies). Bottom line: Need to move slowly and have boundaries. It’s worth the work. Keep ourselves safe!
I related to Yvette in the letter. I know I’m codependent. I have always glommed onto men very early on in dating relationships. I always received the message from my father that I’d be lucky if anyone would have me. It’s put me in harms way on more than one occasion by the choice in men I have spent time with. Lots of emotional abuse and some physical/sexual abuse even. I used to believe until a couple years ago that I was kind of a bad seed because I left home at 17 and ran away with a guy 15 years older than me. Now I see he groomed me and there was mental and physical abuse at home, but I was easy pickens for who I now consider a pedophile because I so desperately wanted to be loved. I also have recently realized that at 13 the first time I met him, I became limerent with him. My mother had limerence for a few different people too. All of this information helps me understand why I am the way I am. Now I need to fix it. I have learned a lot over the years but now I want to learn how to live the life I know I want.
My childhood was mostly fine. My trauma comes from abuse and now treading waters looking for a partner. Maybe I need to heal my wounds from that before building a new relationship. I tend to cling on to friends that are single. Tried to make those work because I felt a previous connection with them. Felt comfortable in the first place until deeper emotions started forming I guess way too fast. There's a lot to ponder here. 🤔
I think having common interests is fine but sometimes it's nice to have alot of differences! It makes things interesting if we don't like the same food, music, books ect. That's all fairly surface level stuff, having the same values, morals and goals for life are the things you really need in common ❤
Ugh I hate how much I relate to this right now. I’m going through a divorce where I experienced emotional abandonment that turned out to not just be my AA in overdrive. It’s all of our worst nightmares with AA to find our partner really doesn’t love us anymore and it’s not all in our heads. I have CPTSD and never attached to any parent. I know I have limerace and fantasize frequently about having a “partner in crime” who aligns with me and gives me constant affirmation. My growth is that I wrestle these feelings inside but have learned not to act on them. Been dating someone for a month that has been my close friend for three months. We bonded bc he’s also separating from a 7 year relationship and getting his life in order, which naturally means not always constantly texting me and making plans and I KNOW this is healthy space and he still likes me. I’m battling the impulse not to text him when he’s demonstrated a need for space. When I hyper fixate I really can’t distract myself so I’m watching videos like this to help.
@@MandyArtGames it’s actually crazy to reread my comment 9 months later…I don’t know how to explain it but my AA has disappeared. That guy and I amicably split because I actually was the one who decided I couldn’t focus on him. I’m processing my divorce trauma and not interested in committing to anyone for a long while if ever. To respond to your question though, I don’t think I struggled with this issue for more than a few days. By the time I stopped thinking about it, he already reached out or sooner. Note that I look back on our messages, he reached out a little more than I did. I started anxious attached, he was a bit more aloof. By the end of our brief relationship, he was very attached and I was not.
Would you please do a video on healing burnout? I have cptsd and am at the end of my vet med program but I can no longer seem to go to school. I'm totally burned out and I'm so close to being done. I know I'm not alone in this. Ty ❤️
As someone with very very extreme anxious atrachment and bpd,complex trauma, anxiety and autism i wish there were videos on people who suffer with this attachment which doesn't focus on bad childhoods (not every anxious attachment is formed from this) i want to hear talk on people like me who became this way due to severe domestic violence and never experiencing a healthy relationship im 33 and every one of my relationships but 1 has been abusive emotionally and physically and all cheated even the one who wasn't violent im 33 and i don't know what it feels like for someone to truly love you everytime i try now i get hurt and im such a gentle loving empathic soul im extremely loyal and honest and caring and it scares me thinking ill be alone forever.
I found a really great group in the Discipleship class at a local church. Discipleship classes tend to be small gatherings of welcoming, warm-hearted & humble people from all walks of life, and if you have churches with classes like these, you can almost always make friends. My favorite ones apply Biblical wisdom to present day applications. Godspeed in finding a great one if you try it!
@@jessicab5524 I read your question wrong; where would anxious attachment individuals find fulfilling friendships. I see what you were asking now. Sorry for the mixup! Here's to hoping Anna has the video you need.
Thank you for that reminder about limerence at the end of the video, Anna. I’m in a loving, stable, 5 year relationship, but lately I’ve been feeling nostalgic for the rollercoaster/push-pull dynamic of my chaotic youthful relationships. Thinking about it like a drug is a helpful way to frame it. Best of luck to the writer, we’ve all been there ❤
maybe you just want to feel alive. Being infatuated is not about the other person it is about the exciting feeling of being alive and bursting with energy. Try something else that gives you this feeling ans is healthy
Not being conventionally attractive is probably a good way to filter out people that will only hurt you. It's hard to know wether someone likes you for your body or for who you are.
Wow, Yvette dodged a bullet! That guy sounds absolutely creepy... a narcissist who pretended to be exactly like her on the first date. She fell in love with a completely made up character, not a real person. He didn't reject her because he didn't exist... in the cold light of day the fantasy persona disintegrated in to thin air.
I’m curious if the Crappy Childhood Fairy has ever been personality typed by Myers Briggs? Curious if she is the INFJ counselor type??? Love your content, you really know these issues in depth and what’s going on..🙏✨
Thank you for all the work you do and info you share, Anna. Could you please do a video or course focusing on how men need to put in effort in order to activate romantic feelings? I find this topic super mysterious. I do not understand it at all. I always overdo in relationships and I have a really hard time receiving, which results in my partners learning to put in less effort over time and me becoming dissatisfied
He's probably a covert narcissist that was manipulating her, telling her what he thought she wanted to hear, and likely had/has multiple other people in the harem garage, likely even had someone that believed they were exclusive at the time of this date.
My father was very abusive even before I was born. My sister remembers him stomping on my moms pregnant belly. He was awful he would leave us in the middle of winter and we woke up one day with the door frozen shut it was so cold. I grabbed at my moms wrist one day when she was trying to cut her wrists. The awful things are to many to count. I craved my moms love. I would do things like clean the house, pick flowers etc. anything to get her attention. She ended up leaving my sister and I with grandparents. They had no idea what to do with us. We kinda just fended for ourselves. I love my family of course we all regret things. I understand she had to get away from the abuse. When I was 18 got into my own abusive relationship. Lucky to be alive. Was beaten and raped for 11 years . Left at 28. I don't know how to fix me & how I feel. My father also made fun of me called me fat and would say awful things. Boundaries are hard for me. I'm now a ppl pleaser. I do things that I don't want just to make others happy so they will like me.
Reading this hurt my heart. You didn’t deserve any of the things you weren’t through. You’re beautiful and deserve love & happiness. You’re worth more than rubies. Plz remind yourself of that ❤
I feel like what wasn’t addressed was that she states he was “hungover” which is telling to me. So, when he says something about her being the dog’s new mommy is very likely just something dumb he said because he was under the influence.
How long does it take to release old trapped emotions, I’m not sure if I’m releasing or retraumatising myself over and over. I feel like wounded child ,❤It feels cyclical, and usually precedes feeling better, lighter, so maybe need to accept that I’ll encounter this again
How do you deal with the anxious attachment if it’s with my best friend of ten years instead of someone new? I know the feeling is mutual but I don’t want to push him away with my attachment style
Why do people always focus on it coming from bad childhoods? I want to hear someone speak on it coming from only experiencing unhealthy relationships domestic violence and never having experienced being treated right
I really need help I have the attachment style in and a fear of abandonment my girlfriend is avoidant style and we have separated after a year and some months we both realize we have to work on ourselves so that we can come back together. We still communicate and still committed to each other, but doing the work on myself has become extremely hard. I don’t know what to do my anxiety it’s always an all time high in and I don’t want to lose the woman I’ve been searching for my whole life. Can you please help me
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this. You can write to Anna if you'd like her to consider responding to your letter on the channel here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters -Calista@TeamFairy
Why is that bad? It's a nice thing to do. Did you have analysis paralysis where you looked on the internet non stop about it but never actually started?
Sorry this video is so confusing... Are you responding to different comments? Situations? I feel like you didnt address how to respond to each scenario fully.
He just wanted sex, when she overstayed her welcome he got annoyed. Don’t go over someone’s house too soon even if it’s just to cuddle and don’t act like a mother either.
I totally relate to Yvette…..my brother told me once ‘if a guy wants to see you, he’ll call you’……it’s really as simple as that….if there’s confusion, it’s a big red flag 🚩
Yup!
What if you get some on/off attention? That confuses me.
@@Captain_MonsterFart it's a clear no .
@@Captain_MonsterFart it means they are keeping you in limbo to stoke their own ego.
@@Captain_MonsterFart then it’s a red flag….especially if you want a committed relationship
As someone with anxious attachment, I agree we should allow others to approach us first.
Honestly I always allow people to approach me first. The problem with me is getting attached too quickly.
@@strudelh I can relate to this!!
yeah, except that doesn't work for guys. will be waiting till the grave.
If you're reading these comments Yvette, please know that you dodged a bullet when this guy DIDN'T call you back. You've been through a lot, but you're still here, so keep trying. Good luck to you!
Thank you for not bashing men, treating us as human beings and showing mindfulness of our masculinity
Reminds me of something recently said to me. I was lamenting that others have had it far worse, including who I was talking to, and relating that to how I don't understand why I'm so broken over less happening to me. She said "There is no harder, there is only hard." It's not a competition. Damage is damage.
I can empathize with Yvette totally, that happened to me in my early 20s, I met someone who was avoidant and kept me at arms length, the more I tried to pulled close the more he backed away. That period of my life was very hard but eventually I did get through it.
Even though she is aware of her father's outward disdain towards her as she grew up, in my life, having had a similar father, I put it aside in my being. I am a senior now and I have had to process and integrate that into my consciousness and see it as a mature grownup. I have begun in a serious way, to understand it, what it did to me in real time and to let it go. This is a hugely painful journey but I realize that his hatefulness was towards everyone and can let go of taking it personally. My insecurity all my life was based on not really knowing how to BE. Fear was always there, thinking any moment, the person would react the same as my father did. I wish her strength and a knowing that you are a worthy person on this earth.
Yvette, if you see this, you are one heck of a tough cookie.
Love this! A lot of our behaviors and psychological traits came from childhood... And I think realizing this is the first step to healing! ☀️
1q¹1p
Connecting the dots 👍
You'll be okay, Yvette. It gets easier! ❤
Thanks for sharing these words of encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My parents friends also criticized me, I actually didn’t know this happened to other people. My parents openly criticized me in front of other people and I would often get attacked by their friends after they saw me being berated by my parents, hitting me with, “yeah, kids these days...”. I was often the only young person around (young adult even) so they took all their insecurities out on me. I’m old enough to know that it was really pathetic of them to gang up on someone OLD ENOUGH TO BE THIR CHILD, I can’t imagine being so low, however it really does effect my self worth all the same to know that no one (parents and parental figures) would ever stand up for me, or even just simply NOT berate me when given the chance.
Shame on them all. That's my view. ❤
Oh my gosh, this was so good. I was obsessed with limerence for so long. It started in childhood I was always living on fantasy island bc my life was so crappy. Well glad to say that I'm not 100% but I am healing and have been disciplining myself to stop fantasizing about people that I like and also to let men approach me. And not talking so much about them and to everyone has been a game changer. It definitely helps and has made me feel a lot better, more confident and more in control of my life.
This video rang a lot of bells for me; when I was 20, I met a guy who'd been hired to work temp at the place I was employed and we clicked like nobody's business! He came over to my apartment and we cuddled and talked all night - did NOT have sex but it was magical! Then I immediately got ghosted and it took me years to puzzle out what had happened. While I've since figured out that I DO have an anxious attachment style, ultimately I think he MIGHT have been homeless and just needed a place to spend the night and not be out on the street!? Sometimes it's you, and sometimes it might be THEM!?! 🤔
I so feel for Yvette. After two multi hours dates, my limerent object pulled away. It exposed a wound so deep that I’m now committed to healing it before attaching to another person. Hope she’s in a better place
Oh I can SO SO relate to the lady who wrote to you. I am 56 and have experienced this so much in dating especially my younger years. You are not alone hun. Hugs.
For me, rejection is absolutely the worst!
I agree. It can be disheartening. It can feel like as if your whole being, you as a person have been devalued or disqualified in the eyes of everyone.
I'm looking for a way to overcome measuring my value based on the response of others towards me.
@@EchelonPandora I’m not a young person and am no longer interested in having a friendship with others.
Her folding the laundry was creepy to him. That’s why she never got called back. I’m not trying to be mean, she probably doesn’t realize how it came across.
@Paul Gauthier He could have got Jodi Arias vibes from her.
Now folding clothing is creepy… what else?
Yvette, there are hundreds of red flags in the behavior of this guy. It is way too early to call you the dogs' new mommy! You should not go to his place on the first date "to keep the night going": he will wait if he likes you. You need to put some space! He did some love bombing there...
As a person who struggles with my weight, this letter writer maybe on the chubbier side (as she herself put it) BECAUSE of childhood emotional neglect which makes you self soothe with food
Just listening to this made me feel stifled and overwhelmed - I'm an avoidant and it sounds to me like the guy said all the right things to try to get her into bed, then maybe he was too drunk to perform. Then he wakes up and it's like she's trying to be his mother, folding his clothes and hanging around outstaying her welcome, yuck!! No criticism of the letter writer implied, just pointing out how it feels to an avoidant type.
This is the exakt reason why avoidant and anxious match in some strangeways and often form kind of an unhappy but nevertheless magnetic relationship
If only avoidants were honest! As an anxious, the "getting into bed" part is not the problem - it's the confusion and dissonance of the mixed message. If sex is all you want, just say it...anxious attachment is not a weak attachment style, we just have a lower tolerance for instability or uncertainty.
@@natalie77867 yes agreed. Anxious attachers, and people in general, should not lie about their intentions in order to get sex or anything else. However, they very often do, particularly men who understand that most women want a committed relationship, and if they say all the right things, they are more likely to get sex. I agree it's disgusting and dishonest
I’m 54 and I just can’t find people to be friends with.most people of my age have friends and family already ,their lives are already full and they don’t have time to invest in new friendships 😢
its not true, there are more people like you, you just need to look
Women's active groups are a good one. Walking or hiking or whatever. You can just be chummy on those outings but things might develop from there.
@@Captain_MonsterFart Yep. My mom is in her late 50s and joined a women's fitness club a couple of years ago after my dad passed away and has made a ton of new friends. She even vacations with them sometimes.
OP, it's never too late to find your people.😊
Relatable. But I’m a fearful avoidant so I’m anxious AND avoidant. It’s the worst.
Anxious avoident, as well. I had parents just like Yvette's. I don't even bother dating, anymore.
I had never heard of limerence before this. I immediately identify that I have it - another 'condition' to add to my list 🙂
Oh I got a love heart on my comment from Crappy Childhood Fairy - Cleary we are meant to be together forever - it will be perfect! (I'm just kidding - don't be afraid!) lol
@@jaseman lol!
Oh Yvette, I’ve been there hon. Good for you for figuring this out now!
This is great stuff! I have a friend in limerence and these direct but gentle information is helpful. I look for the kindest way to try to help her let a guy go. This is beautiful work! Thank you so much to the honest and worth writer for being so vulnerable and doing what you need to free yourself! ❤❤ You are worthy of someone who loves you!!
Hey Anna,
I just wanted to thank you for this video. The tips, especially about slowing down, will stay with me for a really long time. I'm so sick of constantly hearing that I just need to learn to regulate my anxiety. Of course that's important but making sure there is less to he anxious about is surely a better way to go about it. I'm not going to merge with someone like that instantly anymore. Then the fear of losing them won't be so intense that my whole world ends if they don't text me back for half an hour.
Anna - longtime viewer, first time commenter. This video resonated with me so much. I appreciate what you do. You're a shero, lol. I'm heavy (result of eating disorder - I was very skinny growing up) and often think I'll never find love. What your friend said about "if you wanna get screwed, get skinny.. or you'll have to wait around like everyone else". It hit me and I started crying. Such a simple way to put such a deep idea. You are so full of wisdom! Your friends and family, especially your kids, are very lucky to have you in their life. Thank you for doing your thing on here out loud to help all of us!!
I'm so glad the video resonated with you. Thank you for taking the time to comment, I'll make sure Anna reads this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Awesome ! Remember ya can’t keep a good girl down.
Oh, my! My father used to say mean things like that to me too, just different words. That really affected me.
You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
The thing with the dog and new mommy, could be a bpd future faking thing.
Thank you for posting this video
can you do a video about (physical) self image? You have referenced your triumph over feeling like your trauma is written all over you and visible to everyone else. I think this is a serious issue for a lot of us, and I would love to hear how you talk to yourself about a healthy physical self image (without going into hypersexuality/narcissism OR self-hatred). Thanks :) Love, Tim
YES! Wonderful idea, Tim! I would love to see this subject covered by you, CCF! ❣
I had a hover mother. As an adult, anxious attatchment style feels like being fed friendship through a firehose! I tried restating and enforcing boundaries. (with a friend, neighbir lady). I have come to realize that i can't cintrol, change her. We've gone no contact and my shingles are clearing up. The overgiving and overfunctioning felt transactional. I couldn't financially or physically keep up and i don't like to feel indebted. I'm 71 and suffer with chronic pain. I'd rather struggle alone than be nibbled to death by a baby duck!
Thanks for this cant wait to see you in London next month
this guy sounded like a typical player, so many red flags all over the place, he exploited ths girl vulnerability
I always bring the rejection back to not pretty enough too. But now I can see it was the desperate energy and probably not my face. Going to keep trying to heal just in case my face isn't the root cause of the problem 😅
I have a feeling that both the writer and Anna are reading too much into this situation. It might not be a full-blown anxiety attachment and limerance but honestly bad luck chosing and filtering partners like this out. I have been in these shoes and can relate. First of all, I think you should trust your instincts. She said she did not like the guy at first and fell in love with him later because he pursued her and gave her attention until she mentally convinced her that he was the right guy for her, aka crap fitting Usually the first instinct is spot on and it can save you a lot of headache and time on. You should pick somebody who gives you very friendly, open vibe, somebody you feel comfortable with and who seems genuinely interested in your life experiences and you as a person. You should also find him cute and attractive from the start
Regarding this guy, I am getting somehow emotionally unavailable guy vibes, even manipulative ones. He is most likely with his ex now and maybe was with her the whole time but did not mind some extra attention from you. Maybe he was saying how perfect you were the whole time, how much you had in common and bluffed about the future together, aka future faking. My advice to you is that if you see sudden change in behavior within one evening during time together, any sulking, passive aggression, you just get your purse, your shoes and leave. I also have no problem confronting the guy and asking them if they lost interest, at least you know where you stand and it is OK to call their bullshit out. And then you never, ever see and contact then again
Regarding the weight, I have this problem myself but have lost quite a lot of weight myself. What I can practically advise you to lose the weight for yourself because it will affect how you feel about yourself and help you attract the right person when you change from inside out. Some things I did was walking a lot, weight resistance training, taking anti-depressants, seeing a dietician and writing a food journal together with all obsessive compulsive thoughts, cravings and doing heck a lot of meal prep ahead of time and avoiding eating out.There are guys who are attracted to girls in larger bodies and will be still attracted to you. You do not have to settle down for someone less than what you deserve but you need to be patient in the dating process and sort the right people out. I would advise people to get off dating sites but use social media to go to live events where you meet people your age and with your interests.
He might not be the right partner, he might even had not-so-good-intentions, but the thing is she acted in an inappropriate way. This was not (only, if you may) a matter of choosing badly. It was an issue of throwing herself onto him with a "fix me" energy. That's bound to end badly, as Anna said.
@@Dan_Chiron You are correct and melitapavlinic7302 has good advice and insights.
Bra-vo! 👏👏 (Great take on this. I had similar thoughts. I felt that even if you have an insecure attachment style, when someone is good for you, and is emotionally available, he will not be put off so much.) But I still think we should all work on our issues, just because of our overall life- quality.
Greetings from Croatia, Melita. 😆
Please do one on fearful avoidant and fearful anxious too. Thanks for your content!!
Red flags of note:
-Met on a dating site.
-The guy ‘seemed’ to ‘like’ a lot of the things she did.
-The animal comment (re: you’ve got a new mom)
-Back to his place.
-‘Seemingly’ engaging conversation (?love-bombing)
Imo, too many red flags.
Could he be a narcissist?
@@shabbykat273
He could be.
He’s definitely manipulative, and that is concerning.
We don’t know a thing about him.
That takes time.
We should always judge for ourselves, not take their word for it (could be lies).
Bottom line: Need to move slowly and have boundaries.
It’s worth the work.
Keep ourselves safe!
I related to Yvette in the letter. I know I’m codependent. I have always glommed onto men very early on in dating relationships. I always received the message from my father that I’d be lucky if anyone would have me. It’s put me in harms way on more than one occasion by the choice in men I have spent time with. Lots of emotional abuse and some physical/sexual abuse even. I used to believe until a couple years ago that I was kind of a bad seed because I left home at 17 and ran away with a guy 15 years older than me. Now I see he groomed me and there was mental and physical abuse at home, but I was easy pickens for who I now consider a pedophile because I so desperately wanted to be loved. I also have recently realized that at 13 the first time I met him, I became limerent with him. My mother had limerence for a few different people too. All of this information helps me understand why I am the way I am. Now I need to fix it. I have learned a lot over the years but now I want to learn how to live the life I know I want.
I think I had this with my former hobby of Model Car Building.. I'm still dealing with the decision of leaving the hobby I made yesterday.. Sad 😢..
My childhood was mostly fine. My trauma comes from abuse and now treading waters looking for a partner. Maybe I need to heal my wounds from that before building a new relationship. I tend to cling on to friends that are single. Tried to make those work because I felt a previous connection with them. Felt comfortable in the first place until deeper emotions started forming I guess way too fast. There's a lot to ponder here. 🤔
You’d have an absolute field day with me and my current relationship. 😅😅😅
Ok I'm only 1 minute into this video and I feel like you're reading a letter from me about my upbringing
It sounds like you're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I think having common interests is fine but sometimes it's nice to have alot of differences! It makes things interesting if we don't like the same food, music, books ect. That's all fairly surface level stuff, having the same values, morals and goals for life are the things you really need in common ❤
Ugh I hate how much I relate to this right now. I’m going through a divorce where I experienced emotional abandonment that turned out to not just be my AA in overdrive. It’s all of our worst nightmares with AA to find our partner really doesn’t love us anymore and it’s not all in our heads. I have CPTSD and never attached to any parent. I know I have limerace and fantasize frequently about having a “partner in crime” who aligns with me and gives me constant affirmation. My growth is that I wrestle these feelings inside but have learned not to act on them. Been dating someone for a month that has been my close friend for three months. We bonded bc he’s also separating from a 7 year relationship and getting his life in order, which naturally means not always constantly texting me and making plans and I KNOW this is healthy space and he still likes me. I’m battling the impulse not to text him when he’s demonstrated a need for space. When I hyper fixate I really can’t distract myself so I’m watching videos like this to help.
Hey i think I'm in a similar situation, have you noticed him come Closer when you give space?
@@MandyArtGames it’s actually crazy to reread my comment 9 months later…I don’t know how to explain it but my AA has disappeared. That guy and I amicably split because I actually was the one who decided I couldn’t focus on him. I’m processing my divorce trauma and not interested in committing to anyone for a long while if ever. To respond to your question though, I don’t think I struggled with this issue for more than a few days. By the time I stopped thinking about it, he already reached out or sooner. Note that I look back on our messages, he reached out a little more than I did. I started anxious attached, he was a bit more aloof. By the end of our brief relationship, he was very attached and I was not.
That was me.....long process to break...
I don’t know……I can be clingy or cold….no in between.
My Dad was very hard on me in my childhood.. And I think that is why I don't date .....
Would you please do a video on healing burnout? I have cptsd and am at the end of my vet med program but I can no longer seem to go to school. I'm totally burned out and I'm so close to being done. I know I'm not alone in this. Ty ❤️
Try this free course out: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your advice is so helpful and that I needed. Huge thanks! The woman is just me. I want to learn more about your structured dating. I am sure it helps!
As someone with very very extreme anxious atrachment and bpd,complex trauma, anxiety and autism i wish there were videos on people who suffer with this attachment which doesn't focus on bad childhoods (not every anxious attachment is formed from this) i want to hear talk on people like me who became this way due to severe domestic violence and never experiencing a healthy relationship im 33 and every one of my relationships but 1 has been abusive emotionally and physically and all cheated even the one who wasn't violent im 33 and i don't know what it feels like for someone to truly love you everytime i try now i get hurt and im such a gentle loving empathic soul im extremely loyal and honest and caring and it scares me thinking ill be alone forever.
Hi there! How would anxious attachment effect fulfilling friendships? Do you already have a video on that? Thanks for all of your info
I found a really great group in the Discipleship class at a local church. Discipleship classes tend to be small gatherings of welcoming, warm-hearted & humble people from all walks of life, and if you have churches with classes like these, you can almost always make friends. My favorite ones apply Biblical wisdom to present day applications. Godspeed in finding a great one if you try it!
@@jessicab5524 I read your question wrong; where would anxious attachment individuals find fulfilling friendships. I see what you were asking now. Sorry for the mixup! Here's to hoping Anna has the video you need.
Thank you for that reminder about limerence at the end of the video, Anna. I’m in a loving, stable, 5 year relationship, but lately I’ve been feeling nostalgic for the rollercoaster/push-pull dynamic of my chaotic youthful relationships. Thinking about it like a drug is a helpful way to frame it. Best of luck to the writer, we’ve all been there ❤
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Yes, long relationships get so boring, it would be fun to have a bad boy around. I wish people could handle things like that.
maybe you just want to feel alive. Being infatuated is not about the other person it is about the exciting feeling of being alive and bursting with energy. Try something else that gives you this feeling ans is healthy
I wanted to see that next video she mentions but couldn’t find it! The one that pops up to watch next is a Q&A one, is that the one she mentions?
Not being conventionally attractive is probably a good way to filter out people that will only hurt you. It's hard to know wether someone likes you for your body or for who you are.
Wow, Yvette dodged a bullet! That guy sounds absolutely creepy... a narcissist who pretended to be exactly like her on the first date. She fell in love with a completely made up character, not a real person. He didn't reject her because he didn't exist... in the cold light of day the fantasy persona disintegrated in to thin air.
Oh this is me ,can't handle being left ..my last name is Clingin...ha!!!!
My go to when I wander into limerence is saying to myself “LIMERENCE, LIMERENCE, LIMERENCE!”
The darkness of this world consumes and rapes and tortures and haunts me. I'm so lonely I could die.
I’m curious if the Crappy Childhood Fairy has ever been personality typed by Myers Briggs? Curious if she is the INFJ counselor type???
Love your content, you really know these issues in depth and what’s going on..🙏✨
Thank you for all the work you do and info you share, Anna. Could you please do a video or course focusing on how men need to put in effort in order to activate romantic feelings? I find this topic super mysterious. I do not understand it at all. I always overdo in relationships and I have a really hard time receiving, which results in my partners learning to put in less effort over time and me becoming dissatisfied
He's probably a covert narcissist that was manipulating her, telling her what he thought she wanted to hear, and likely had/has multiple other people in the harem garage, likely even had someone that believed they were exclusive at the time of this date.
Is that a narcissist or just a dude trying to score?
Thankyou😊
My father was very abusive even before I was born. My sister remembers him stomping on my moms pregnant belly. He was awful he would leave us in the middle of winter and we woke up one day with the door frozen shut it was so cold. I grabbed at my moms wrist one day when she was trying to cut her wrists. The awful things are to many to count. I craved my moms love. I would do things like clean the house, pick flowers etc. anything to get her attention. She ended up leaving my sister and I with grandparents. They had no idea what to do with us. We kinda just fended for ourselves. I love my family of course we all regret things. I understand she had to get away from the abuse. When I was 18 got into my own abusive relationship. Lucky to be alive. Was beaten and raped for 11 years . Left at 28. I don't know how to fix me & how I feel. My father also made fun of me called me fat and would say awful things. Boundaries are hard for me. I'm now a ppl pleaser. I do things that I don't want just to make others happy so they will like me.
Reading this hurt my heart. You didn’t deserve any of the things you weren’t through. You’re beautiful and deserve love & happiness. You’re worth more than rubies. Plz remind yourself of that ❤
I feel like what wasn’t addressed was that she states he was “hungover” which is telling to me. So, when he says something about her being the dog’s new mommy is very likely just something dumb he said because he was under the influence.
She shouldn’t have stuck around all day, and left by 9/10 am.
Anna is the best ❤️
Hello, thanks for this video I there any books you would recommend us reading about childhood traumas ?
We have a list of recommended resources on the website www.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
~You said to 'treat limerence like a drug & dont talk about it', but that is what AA meetings are like, and a main reason i stopped going to them?~
Good point. I want aa group without drug talk ...
@@cosmosprincess20 ~I only thought about drugs & drinking when i went to meetings?!!~
Amazing !
~It kinda sounds to me like he was gearing up for sex, but it didnt happen, and then she got clingy?~
How long does it take to release old trapped emotions, I’m not sure if I’m releasing or retraumatising myself over and over. I feel like wounded child ,❤It feels cyclical, and usually precedes feeling better, lighter, so maybe need to accept that I’ll encounter this again
Im the opposite i get with people that are into me but im not into them. Really makes no sense lol.
So, if you have an anxious attachment style, should you like guys on dating apps or do you only communicate with guys who reach out to you?
Very good question!! 👍
That's me😢
Poor thing, creating an instant relationship after one meeting or date is just so sad.
Thank you so much for this
How do you deal with the anxious attachment if it’s with my best friend of ten years instead of someone new? I know the feeling is mutual but I don’t want to push him away with my attachment style
getting anxious everyitime I am going to do something on my own, tired of it
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Are you coming to London! Please drop the details, I really want to come
bit.ly/40GTJwD
I'd it possible to have an anxious and avoidant attachment style together?
Absolutely! Fearful avoidant or disorganized
I really would like to understand the problem & how to fix it, but I have a hard time listening to the letters that you read.
Why?
The guy just sounds like a pick-up artist. Sadly they prey on people with self-esteem issues.
Why do people always focus on it coming from bad childhoods? I want to hear someone speak on it coming from only experiencing unhealthy relationships domestic violence and never having experienced being treated right
I really need help I have the attachment style in and a fear of abandonment my girlfriend is avoidant style and we have separated after a year and some months we both realize we have to work on ourselves so that we can come back together. We still communicate and still committed to each other, but doing the work on myself has become extremely hard. I don’t know what to do my anxiety it’s always an all time high in and I don’t want to lose the woman I’ve been searching for my whole life. Can you please help me
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this. You can write to Anna if you'd like her to consider responding to your letter on the channel here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters -Calista@TeamFairy
Drunk, cuddling, being called dog's"new mommy" on the first date...yike.
Omg this is me all over.
You're in the right place then. Thank you for watching!
Nika@TeamFairy
~♡~This was a super helpful video!!!~♡~
Guess I was limerent on Model Car Building.. If that makes any sense ..
Why is that bad? It's a nice thing to do. Did you have analysis paralysis where you looked on the internet non stop about it but never actually started?
The quiz is not working, I already tried twice, it doesn't go to my inbox and I checked spam box
all mine... lol
Where is the video or webinar about structured dating?
It's in my online course, "Dating and Relationships for People with Childhood PTSD." bit.ly/CCF-Dating
I really wanted to watch this but there is no sound
Sounds like she's dealing with a narcissist
He's just a dude using Tinder to get laid, I think.
in what way. Sounds like the guy was rebounding, drunk and just not into her
❤️❤️❤️
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Sorry this video is so confusing... Are you responding to different comments? Situations? I feel like you didnt address how to respond to each scenario fully.
🤎
What has chubbyness to do with wanting/not wanting a partner?
So painful listening to this.
He just wanted sex, when she overstayed her welcome he got annoyed. Don’t go over someone’s house too soon even if it’s just to cuddle and don’t act like a mother either.