What Attracts a Narcissist? Why did they pick me?
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- Опубліковано 30 лип 2021
- There are different kinds and types of narcissism, and many look for different people to play different roles and act as a supply for them. In this video Darren Magee explains what attracts them to certain people and how they choose their victims / targets
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#narcissism #narcissisticrelationships #darrenmagee
The videos I make are requested by you the viewer. Please feel free to suggest any mental health related topics you's like me to cover in the future.
I didn't see one, but do you have any videos about trauma bonding and how it works?
Not yet but will be making one soon
Hi there, I grew up with a Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist mother - I maintain contact in a large part because I worry about my brother's children being exposed to her behaviour and I want to be around to protect/intervene if required...In your experience, can a Covert/Vulnerable be a 'good' grandmother?
Limerence
Great video Darren thanks 😊 could you make some videos on panic disorder? 🙏
A narcissist doesn't break your heart, they break your spirit. That's why it takes so long to heal.”
So sad to know that a mother could do this to her own child. Makes me sick.
So so true…
@@marinajebb2999 My thoughts are with you Sincerely hope you're in a good situ@tion these d@ys ✨☘️🙏God bless you
I feel that 😢
@@colouredgal God bless you ✨☘️🙏Truly hoping & praying lifes being extremely good to you these times & there's no cruel events or treat
ment whtsoever ✨☘️🙏
My marriage was death by paper cuts…. He would say things that were so unnecessary. I ate too fast, I didn’t dry off correctly, there was always something wrong with the dinners I cooked, I didn’t pronounce words correctly, I did hang his cloths up right. I didn’t fold his socks the way he told me to…etc!!! Guess what, I left his ass after 10 years of this abuse. He never saw it coming!!! I was scared to death, but I did it, and my divorce was final last week!!! Best day♥️
Congratulations Tootie!
You are amazing Tootie Wright!
Best wishes!
Congratulations.
Burnt Bacon thank you!!! I feel so free!
You're free from an useless arrogant man.
Now comes a good life.
A narcissist likes someone who will argue in good faith, someone who believes in truth and integrity and wants to see it in them and finds it hard to accept that it's not there.
Because WE project that onto them & THEY will never argue the point.
Summed up my ex-friend who was "cheering up" my ex behind my back knowing very well the emotional abuse I went through because of her and her racist family. It's only now that I realize that he is a grade A narcissist. No wonder why he threw a temper tantrum after I questioned him about it and decided to be vindictive and share my personal messages with other classmates when I decided to discard and ignore him right until graduation.
Exactly it's not there and having a family with one a covert narcissist is scary when you realize holy s she has never been sorry as a matter a fact she's never wrong either , if your married for a year and you don't argue ever you are screwed because it's coming like a fkn tidal wave !
So spot on. The worst thing is that it’s so hard to believe it’s really not there. I dealt with a real psychopath, and there are many expected human traits which are shockingly not there at all. It’s almost impossible to cognitively accept, especially after you had a relationship with them.
@@lukehunnable - Has taken me decades to process; eternally grateful to these knowledgeable people.
“ most narcissists are highly accomplished actors “. So very true. Don’t beat yourself up for falling for their tricks, they are very, VERY good at what they do.
If you are an empath, you have a "kick me" sign on your rear end for narcissists to see. The empath is the hot fudge sundae on the narcissistic menu. I sometimes think that destroying an empath's ability to love and trust is their highest life goal.
I also believe it !
So true
Pathological Jealousy: Ns don't have the ability to love and trust anyone, including themselves. Why should empaths have the resultant PEACE manifested by these qualities, when they have none, and never will? I agree with you 1000%.
Lol.true
Agree
Narcissist are emotionally immature.
Omg! Honestly very true!
omg, omg, omg that is so true." when you first met you were confident, ambitious, had felt good about yourself, things you could do, good idea about the future", then it all went down the drain. This is so true. They do suck the life out of us. It took me 22 years, of lies, gaslighting, depression, and anxiety to wake up.
They make us out to be crazy when it is actually them. They are very sick people. I was discarded after 30 odd years off marriage once I started to realise I had a voice and blinkers were off. Started to question him which he certainly didn’t like, He was such a smoothie and knew how to charm me and told me all the things I would want to hear. Turned out to be very sneaky and could swear living a double life.So glad i dodged a bullet. 😊🙏
I just got away the second time! I'm so glad, I made IT!
❤️
It’s as if I had written this myself!! I have been 22 years too and reading your words has really hit me, how true it has been for me... Thank you for sharing. How long ago did you wake up? 🙏🏽
I think I live with one. He says that I am a narcissist. I'm so confused. I'm going to visit a psychologist to see if I am a pathological narcissist.
In my experience they target people who they think might be better than them and might usurp them. So they do their best to undermine them in ways that seem ridiculous to a normal person. But they mean business and will fight to the death to overcome their rival.
I agree with you 💯 percent!!! and those who have evil intentions will not come to a good end!!! God always has the last laugh!!!
yep 💯 🎯
That is 100% true!! I had one in my life. She needed to be the center....the adored one....she would explain she'd get "triggered" when she had to do anything for other people because it reminded her of a family member who used to take advantage of her. Helping others (particularly me)...was a trigger. Right. She spent years putting me down in front of others...passively insulting my hair styles...competing to be friends with the new girl who came around before I could, and would put me down in her presence. On my wedding night, she asked me if I could go around to the wedding guests and find her a ride back to her hotel because she didn't plan ahead to Uber. Horrible. And never apologized.
you are right
The narc thought I had money. When he found out I didn't, he discarded me right away.
Lucky you
Lol... I told mine the way my brother's handled my money I would end up living in a ditch.
Yes, he decided to let me go that night.
Hahaha. Good riddance.
I don't let on that I have money to most people except close, trusted people. I dress in hand me downs, I don't looked polished with makeup, hair or nails done, I don't flash the newest technology, and I don't boast or brag about my belongings. If someone were to break into my home, they'd be sorely disappointed, because I don't own very much expensive things either. I'm good with money. I have savings. I'm comfortable in how I live. I will not give money to someone that I don't know or trust, and some narcissistic asshole definitely won't get too far from me because I despise being complimented and put on any sort of pedestal to butter me up.
@@applegal3058 I won't live in fear and negativity or present myself like a street urchin so people might not want it.
Thats really putting too much focus on what you want to retain. ($$?)
Life is meant to be lived.
If beautiful things make you (me) happy then (I) enjoy them.
Jealous people will always be there.
They are not allowed to own me.
No negativity, no fear.
Well this guy told me if I didn't have any 💰 I could get the hell on. LoL! After I done paid bills and buy them things. LoL we been together for 13 yrs. This ish stops now
If you were NOT picked by a narcissist, it's probably because you set boundaries & called them on their BS at the very beginning... so they disengaged & looked for better supply.
Totally
That’s not necessarily true. There can be very sly (covert) narcissists out there who can pass under the radar of well boundaried people, despite confrontation.
The way to not get picked is deep authenticity, being in tune with our perception, and discernment- which work to set the boundaries we need intuitively.
“WTF did I ever see in him?” BOTH my parents were narcissists; I was conditioned & indoctrinated to believe that was the norm… even though instinctively I FELT differently. So GRATEFUL these videos are available to the public & am a tad wistful that they weren’t around 50 years ago. THANK YOU.
Spot on!!!!!
Exactly!
Yes, my case too. After my mother (a wonderful person) died, my sisters and me, all very young by then, were left alone with a narcissistic father. You don't know any other kind of person and you are trained to be their victim. It takes time to get rid of that. Thanks to these videos, they help a lot!
I relate to you. Seriously wish this knowledge was around earlier. So many years of feeling uncomfortable, weak, wronged and yet not knowing anything better. As you said ..i too accepted it as a norm. I was sure I was damaged..and that feeling creeps up against all wisdom at times. But thanks to such videos so many of us are having the 'aha' moments and realise we were alright all along!
@@earthrooster1969 - We need to hold tight to those ‘aha’ moments & make them part of our core identity.
Narcessists are every where, and Im responsible of me, letting them, in to my life.
Practise self love, having boundaries and stop
being so naive and giving people chance after chance.
Forgive yourself and let go of the anger towards your own self!
Love from Norway ❤
Greetings from the USA..I love Norway..
ya, true
They are also supremely clever at being disingenuous and manipulative. People shouldn’t beat themselves up if they get taken in by one. Just try to learn from it and not fall for it again.
@@Ditto463 Yes, and there was some red lights when we look back at it. Pay attention and belive them the first time. Its valuable knowledge for later.
Love it, tough lesson i had to learn
...they're also looking for someone who'll pay their way through life. When the money dries up, they'll leave you bankrupt, sick and consequently unemployed. Then it's on to the next victim. And on and on and on...
This happened to my son. When he couldn’t work anymore due to his alcoholism, his wife had to work. She was the narcissist and he was her victim. They were married 22 years and he raised her kids from another marriage. When he couldn’t work she let him die of liver failure. The family tried to help him but she kept all of us away from him. She had him convinced that she would help him and we didn’t care. My son was only 45 years old.😥
it's true, the problem is ,they unhappy people and this is what they will make you to be and because you are not used to this state of mind, you will fall sick and even get mad,
Unless they get reported to SCARS which is an international website for abusers of all sorts ....
@@cherlrodenburg8758
I married a alcoholist . When i finally realised that whatever i did would never make him stop, i got a divorce . I was quite happy for a while until my mother realised how happy i was with my new acquired freedom and succeded to destroy it . She's dead now some years ago and yet she still is inside my head.
Every time i get up and try to put some Joy in my life . Very small steps .
Yep. And the men are just as bad as the women. They ALL operate this way.
As a child of a narcissistic mother, it was my “duty “ to be her punch bag in order to help her with her problems. She was too complicated to see her own errors or to ever apologize for anything and for that reason, it was my duty to make excuses for her toxic behavior. Later, in life, I have realized that I was falling in the same patterns with other people, made excuses for their rudeness, cruelty or negligent behavior. That’s why I made a golden rule and let people explain themselves instead of me doing that, and that’s where they true nature comes out. Not all of those circumstances will end up bad. Normal person would explain itself, but narcissist would go in attacking mode, and that’s my cue to leave
Sad fact..
Ouch. Reminded me of a girl that just stopped a relationship with me a week ago, yes my work stress and tolerance has worn me down to a level where I freak out if someone ghosts me for 3-4 days straight with a simple 'im busy for a while' message, plus this is the first time I had a relationship, and a 12+ years too. After some poking I finally got a response from her, but it was negative, and very very 'emotionally threatening' to say the least when you get a response and they don't wanna hear your reasoning.
That girl was traumatized by her mother, traumatized by past events, traumatized by PTSD and various other bad events in life, so she's essentially a minefield that is likely to go off if you poke her. But at the same time the supposed empathetic side of her attracts people and friends to her over the years, and she had a lot of gaming friends.
It's a online only relationship for a very long and intimate time, but she does not want to commit until 'her dad moves out' keeping the relationship a secret from everyone in our lives. And so when I finally get a response from her ignoring her discord for so long, she snapped, went dead cold to me, and said 'what's this?' and pulls up my freak out posts on discord. I explained, she doesn't try to listen, and just tells me to 'you have to understand'. I don't have PTSD, I don't have the same experience. So I can't fully understand it, but I essentially poked her to get attention because she tells me concerning events and stuff happening quite often, bad news after bad news. So of course I'd panic if she told me recently that her mother had late stages of cancer.
I had gotten closure but I still get reminded of her so often. It's what happens when most of your time is dedicated to socializing with her for the past years, and you spend the nights working night shifts on long hours all week. She loses interests in you, then puts all her time and attention to her other friends, and perhaps even find another more willing boy to flirt with, who knows. I mean I started to get paranoid when she accidentally messaged me "Honey it was a miscommunication" then deletes it, saying "Sorry it's for my employer" (For a roleplaying player hosted venue job that she took since she doesn't work a real one, due to her diagnosis and history).
So after that final confrontation, she was not taking no for an answer, she intended to cut off contact period, and wants me to 'understand' it. That 'caring' and rational girl, was gone basically.
@@dra6o0n I guess that you are better off without her. Past and previous traumas can be a reason for people acting in certain ways but never excuse. You seem like very empathetic person who thought you might be able to help. Unfortunately, unless you are professional and she wants help, it’s impossible to help her. Unfortunately, there’s too many people out there who are walking around like a time bombs waiting to explode. It sounds cruel, but the best thing we can do is to wish them well and protect ourselves by being as far as possible when this bomb explodes ( preferably so far that we aren’t even aware it happened). There’s a big difference in who people really are and who we want them to be, and it’s very hard to acknowledge the difference between those two things sometimes, even more when emotions are involved. I wish you a happy healing in this situation and also to be able to avoid to fall in the same patterns next time. It’s hard, but not impossible. I managed to escape it by marrying my wonderful, wise and insightful husband. I really value his opinion and how he’s always such a great character reader. He can spot a narcissist from miles and I am very thankful for him and his ability 😁🌸
Yes they attack every polite answer given to them. I don't know how to cut myself from such relatives.... Still learning .. I must not feel guilty when cutting them out from my life.
It sounds like you have learned a great deal, which is awesome.
My mother was a narcissist and a bully. She was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive. My first memory of her was she was beating me to make me fear her, I was 2 years old, and I did fear her much of my life. She was also violent towards my father. She was very scary. I have no memories of her being kind to me or interested in what was best for me. The opposite was true, I was set up to fail.
Narcissists have a favorite child, the golden child. I was not the favorite, I was often the scapegoat. To avoid abuse I became invisible and I was neglected, I was left outside alone at age 2. I didn't develop a sense of confidence and self-esteem.
My sister was openly favored, showered with material things and opportunities. My sister hated our mother but sucked up to her to get the benefits of being the favorite. My mother promoted conflict and division between us, we never really became friends, there was always competition and my sister felt entitled to take advantage of me like she did when we were children.
My sister and I were brainwashed into believing we needed to be doormats to get and keep a husband. Most of my life I was a magnet attracting narcissistic people. I kept repeating the victim/martyr relationship with narcissistic people. Unfortunately I found relationships with normal people boring. For those in a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic parent, run, do not walk, get away from them and don't look back. They will use you, offer a few crumbs of love but don't be fooled. Narcissists only care about themselves.
check out The Crappy Childhood Fairy's videos on YT. My mom was a less extreme version of your own but was still abusive. Anna Runkle (aka The Crappy Childhood Fairy), deals with people with C-PTSD, She i snot technically a therapist yet her videos are helping thousands. You may find it very helpful. It has gotten me on the road to healing after years of getting easily and readily triggered by others in life.
Sounds like me, only not the physical abuse. I think knocking my head open in worship service (and her the preacher’s wife) mortified enough for a lifetime. She threatened a lot. Didn’t leave me outside that I know of, too afraid of people seiing
Sorry. Too afraid of people seeing her be imperfect? We were plopped down in front of tv and raised by fake people. It’s hard to figure out how to be a woman when your role model goes from June Cleaver to half naked Laugh-in dancers. 🙄
My heart ache reading your post..may God give you strength and peace in your life🙏❤
Im the “favorite” but it never stopped my mom from abusing me emotionally, physically, spiritually, Psychologically, financially, socially…. I was was used as a tool to injure my siblings and father…. And he let it all happen.
Some of these narcissists do not move on, the become stalkers and continue to bully.
yes. They will thru online group chat, cyberbullying.
yes
😂😂😂😂😂not w Vivint ❤
I was in a vulnerable state and I allowed the narc to exploit my weaknesses. That's how I got caught up.
My youngest daughter married a narcissist woman. We feel helpless standing by, watching this greatly beloved one getting sucked dry by this person. Hoping she wakes up one day with a bit of her humor and vibrance and intelligence restored. Meanwhile, she has cut us out if her life, bit by bit, since the relationship began. Her lifelong friends, too. So sad. Here's hoping.
Thanks for this instructive video. 🙏❤️
Say no, ignore them, no attention and they move on. Lesson learned
exactly.
my narc boss targets me because I see through her BS, stand up for myself when she attacks me, and I go over her head when dealing with her micromanaging and she KNOWS it
You get only one life to live, choose the people around you very carefully. You deserve to have a great life. Make it worthwhile by ditching all narcissists and creating a healthy environment for yourself and loved ones.
I agree 😊
Here Here Robert.
I believe in reincarnation.
As a daughter of a narcissist father, I was under his spell for 53 years. I confronted him several times in an attempt to redeem a relationship with my father. He will never budge. Don't give them too many chances. Accept it and move forward in your life.
I would love a video about how some narcissists fake empathy or remorse long enough to convince their families that they’re not as abusive as they are. I have dealt with this particularly with covert narcissists, who are already harder to detect, but I have yet to find a video or article that addresses how some narcissists have their close loved ones convinced that they’re innocent lambs without a manipulative bone in their body.
I made one recently on how covert narcissists manipulate if that would be helpful? I will in the meantime look into the fake remorse and empathy
@@DarrenFMagee Yes, I watched it and it was great! I guess I'm looking into lovebombing/the emphasis on vulnerability in vulnerable narcissists in order to keep their victims in their orbit, so to speak.
@@syjvicious I’ll put something together for you. Thanks for your suggestion
@@DarrenFMagee Looking forward to it!!!
True. Me I ask straight up,
Resist the devil and he shall flee from you.
Ones who they can easily manipulate, don't say no, and have blurry or non-existent boundaries ......
sheree holland,Hope you are not with a narcissist.....
He speaks truth. And if you call them out on their bs be prepared for an eternity of argumentation with no hope of resolve or closure to the problem. A merry-go-round of hell. They ARE great actors who can literally burn years of your life away if you are not aware of what is happening.
so true
Or you have to crush them Full attack no letting up.I have a neighbour trying to bully some of us other neigbours of our ground doing illegal things.I confronted him and went on full attack.srealing damaging property killing animals trespassing ect.Now we are taking him to court civil and criminal cases and we are not going to stop until he leaves the neibourhood
My son was married to one for almost 20 years. He finally found the courage to get divorce papers drawn up and was going to present them to her that weekend to sign. He died of a massive heart attack on Saturday morning before he could. He was so damaged and died literally of a broken heart at age 42. She destroyed him. Then, because she was still legally his wife, she proceeded to torture me through the whole funeral proceedings (covertly), turned her whole family against our family of which she’d been working on for years, that “he was a monster “, and now my granddaughter (his child) has also left our family (she’s 17). I went no contact with his wife and I pray for my granddaughter every day. Wasn’t invited to her graduation commencement. Hopefully one day she’ll come back to us.
The good thing is, I don’t have to watch my son suffer any more. He is finally at peace and with the Lord.
My mother, the narc, raised me to believe I had no inherent worth and the best I could hope for was to be of service. This set me up perfectly for my ex-husband the narc who said he needed me. I didn't think I had a choice.
Lorraine you have so much value and worth in you for yourself and others, please never doubt that! I find that narcs are so unhappy with themselves that they can't stand seeing the good in others that they themselves don't posess and so try to drag us down with them. But we won't be dragged down, we are wiser now. Hope you are now feeling all the happiness you so deserve! ❤❤❤
Same here!!! I've been told by the people who love me that I'm too nice! They are most lively correct.
When your parents tell you that you are a piece of crap and noone will love you and you will never amount to anything we dont aim for quality ( I mean we do the best we can) but it sets us up to never be cherished or treated like we should be I was and am an amazing mother and grma and wife and friend. And for 13 years had the fairytale life and marriage until I had 2 children by him and was stuck. He quit sleeping with me because I looked to good and had to much self esteem. I waited 15yrs for him to reconnect to the marriage. When I tried 6 yrs ago to talk about this he physically attacked me and he tore my aorta. I finally realized that he never existed and this is who I really married. I was in the hospital in cardiac ICU for 3 months and he has never apologized
Exactly same people in my life. These narcissistic people when comes as parents in our life especially as a mother , the empath child won't know their values and will start feeling like worthless. This paves the way for narcissistic partner, where we drop our self-esteem to get their true affection but the truth is we empath raised like in this situation will never ever get their true love un till we start to build our boundaries and self-esteem
@@lindabidwell6722 Yeah, I'm done being nice. My friend years ago told me I may as well be a bitch, cuz that's what they think anyways. I struggle being a bitch.
Finally someone said what I’ve been thinking. I am sure that some are hunters seeking out a very particular kind of prey, but I think in most cases we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time and too damn “nice” to call bullshit. And we were desperate to be loved… by anybody! Just like them. We just had different ways of trying to fill that same bottomless pit in our hearts.
Yes yes yes
Well said
I'm learning that codependent people rely on 'supply' aswell.. just in a different way
But narcs and codependent people both have in common that they don't take accountability for themselves
The fall for eachother due to a matching wound
I just won a small claim case. I took my narcissistic sister-in-law to court. You should have seen her face 🤣 “I ENJOYED EVERY BIT OF IT” I received a check for the amount owed 👍🏼Always keep your records nice & tidy 😁
Go you!!!!! my sister in law Out law here is in for an inheritance battle..
Good for you ...were also into an inheritance battle with the same sort ...good luck hope you win
This is where the fun begins
Amen 🙏🏽 about f time
my narc mother in law targets me because I am everything she can't be. jealous all day.
Mine was the same way. Her and her daughter was even worse….worthless people
I don't think it can be overstated the effect of growing up in a narcissistic home. I was with one narc after another, friends and romantic relationships because I chose these people! The devil you know... I didn't know how to pick healthy people because I wasn't healthy.
I Agree with you.. I WAS THE 🦌 DEER ..... Heading STRAIGHT FOR THE HEAD LIGHT'S ..🤣🤣🤣 🤗 But NOT ANY MORE !!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😔
Facts!!
How did you stopped the carnage?
I'm tired and my brain is empty.
@@fightback397 After getting sh*t on and abused for so many years, something in me snapped and I decided to start loving myself. It was either that or die. One by one I went no contact with friends and family. It was very hard and I questioned myself for quite a while but eventually I started to get better. The cure for narcissism is healthy self esteem and boundaries. The whole process was scary as hell but I am worth it and so are you! Now I know I deserve loving and healthy relationships in my life. It's been 5 years since I started this process and I cant tell you how much better I feel. The narcissist is a gift in the sense that they show you what's wrong with you. Best of luck to you.
Yep
In a group setting the covert narcs who chose me did so because there is a higherarchy in their head. They kiss up they kick down. But i didnt realise i was "down" and i had the audacity to believe we we were all equals.
Well said!
Well said
"They know how to perform empathy." Well said.
The empathy given but a nasty no good for nothing nasty narc is based on true fake news, coldness , callousness, crockery and for self motivating sick useful and beneficial gains to the nasty narc but useless to us as it has detrimental consequences on our whole being BE AWARE KNOWLEDGE IS POWER 🔋 AND STRENGTH AND BOTH POWER OF KNOWLEDGE AND STRENGTH IS QUITE REFRESHIBG AND REWARDING , USEFUL ZND BENEFICIAL BECAUSE THEN WE ARE ON OUR WAY TO BEING HEALED ZND ARE TGEREFORE ABLE TO HELP OURSELVES TO ETERNALLY HEAL AND TO MOVE ON PEACEFULLY AND AT THE SAME TIME STRIVING TO BE HAPPY AND AT PEACE WITH OURSELYVES LEADING A SINGLE LIVE ALONE NOMORE BULLSHIT TO PUT UP WITH JUST IUR TRUE AUTHENTIC EMPATHETIC SENSIBLW SWEET SINCERE AND TRUE LOVING ❤ WHOLESOME SELVES! T. C 😍 DANICA
The empathy given by a NASTY NARC IS FAKE LIKE FAKE JEWELLERY OR LIKE 👍 FAKE AS IN COUNTERFEIT CURRENCY 💰!
QUITE REFRESHING ( CORRECTION TO THE ABOVE WORD IN THE MESSAGE) !
If you're in a general social, or workplace, setting keep your accomplishments, abilities, wealth, etc. to yourself. When you find someone quizzing you about these things steer the conversation away from those topics. Especially when the other person begins to pour on the accolades and you feel compelled to open up. If you feel like you're talking to a life insurance salesman that's your clue. Also, pay close attention to your gut feeling. It will usually get out voted by your head and your heart when it should take precedence. That queezy, or upset, feeling is most definitely your clue. If you've been raised by narcissistic parents in a narcissist family you have to be extra vigilant. You've been conditioned and your senses have been dulled. You will be caught in the net and not realize it until the hurt begins.
EXCELLENT POINTS! Been there, done that. Fortunately, am on the other side. Trusting my gut when ALL around me caused so much self doubt was important to relearn.
Boy that's for sure
Beautiful comment! Thank you
great comment. God Bless You !
☆
Narcs want someone who can tolerate: their abuse, tantrums, bad behaviour, cruel nature, etc.
The abused should have high degree of tolerance levels.
The abused should not react or fight back and generally has to be someone soft spoken and accomodating of their issues.
The abused should have weak friends or periphery friends who will not interfere.
The abused should keep all this abusive behaviour to themselves and not talk to anyone.
The narc also checks how much you care for your reputation and more you care the better for them as you will try to hide to protect your/family's name and reputation.
Narc will also checks which threats you confront and which you cower or bow down to.
Narc wants a slave, subdued, subjugated, submissive, passive, in a way introvert, who is forgiving, does not judge and does not want fights.
If you have money, property etc thats an addition.
Narc also wants attention, being important to you beyond anything.
If you are the life of a party or a good humour, that helps them to relax and then they suck it out from you.
They will check if you are a good decision maker. You chose them, you are bad at decisions. You fell in the trap. Accept it . They wull change your decisions and start taking decisions for you. Eg . They should be deciding for you what you should love or not so they will test it and habituate you for the above and also start putting.
They will check if you will defend them.
They will also check your acceptance levels.for eg.. you should accept their high sophisticated taste(which means high price of product) etc. And even praise them.
They see and check of you hear to their sob stories and fall for giving sympathy and promise something or do some thing emotionally.
Yes they will check if you are objective or emotional. The emotional the better for them.
If you are good at what you do, people respect you etc even better as they like the glory they will get being with you and also that such a well admired person is actually hoodwinked by the abuser. You are the trophy.
Can you be the servant? They will make you do everything. They expect you to do everything.
Can you be lied to and still will forgive them?
They will also check how much they can hurt you and keep increasing your capacity of getting hurt.
They will also check if you listen to their advice or ask them their advice. That means to them you are them giving power or they think that they are superior in thinking and advice that you sought theirs.
They also like those who ask first and then do things. It makes them feel they are your boss.
They will check if your boundaries can be crossed and if you allow it, they will permanantly settle in your personal space and make it their personal space.
There are more checks too, but if its in your family then they have already studied your nature. And if it is someone like spouse, friend, gf-bf, etc then they will check this with you.
And yes they will keep their options open too as they need constant attention. The more the better.
They will also check if you like to hurt others or not. If you dont, they exploit this "good" quality of yours since they know you wont hurt them back.
"Anyone of value to them", Yes! The one who was in my life said to me bluntly, "I wanted you for what you could do for me."
You are definitely on target!
Lol what a sad existence
@@cyberninjasworld absolutely.
He told me he had a "type"
The type of person that was kind and didn't care too much about appearances. He said he valued my integrity, and that I brought him "peace"
He picked me because I was everything he wasn't.
I’m not sure the question is why they picked me but rather why I picked them. I’m sure it’s not everyone’s experience but for me there was a comfort level. Having grown up in a highly dysfunctional environment, it was a dynamic I knew. Healthy relationships always felt foreign and boring to me but broken people were something I understood on some level. It has taken decades of abuse to arrive at a point of self reflection and awareness. It wasn’t one singular episode that woke me up but a series of episodes in quick succession that made me realize how sick my environment was; not just in my family but in my friendships as well. As a result, I ended up cutting out everyone in my life except for my children. My goal from that point has been to heal myself and the relationships with them. I feel awful that I raised them the way that I was raised, but I’m trying to break that cycle and progress is being made.
me too, totally same
They're good at giving you what you want and reeling you in. It's narcs #101. Then their abuse scrambles your brain.
Good point. I realized both parents were narcissist after ex covert narcissist left me. Father was the grandiose kind and mother (not désiréd by her own mother) the introvert kind. Much harder to see through. I also realized all my friends were on the narc spectrum. Quit all of them. Finally, also realized i am autist... At 32. Thats thé positive lesson i want to remember from thèse life events.
Me too.
The same hier. But you are very wise and you wil get there. We have to learn love ourself and the other. It's a long proces.
I have been the target of narcissists beginning with my lovely mother, and currently my older sister who thinks she is perfect. When my Uncle Jack informed the family that I was an intuitive in 1973, it scared them. Lol😉🙏🏼
Finally after being raised by narcissists...... thanks to lots of reading and these types of videos to enlighten me.......I can now spot a narcissist, it amazes me how they all do the same tricks.... such a joy to be able to see through their pathetic games and manipulation...... just walk away and laugh at them and their sad, pointless lives..... be free and be true to yourself!!
Word.
Do you have some useful information where to get knowledge and wisdom about how to figure it out? I would love to have that skill as well.
I see them but there's something in their voice, their tone... and THATS the clincher!
I can't stand them.
I'd like to hear more about this voice and tone idea. Sounds like it could be a really interesting area of discussion
Agree....And their 'sob' stories at the very start. Also, incredibly selfish and stingy to the core like even over a 1p but expect you to be overly 'generous' to them. They have a humongous appetite. Will expect a fifth portion from you but will only serve you half of a chicken wing when it's their turn. 'Miserly and miserable'.
I was always tough growing up and spoke my mind. I never followed the crowd or copied what my friends did or was into peer pressure. My narc mother made me the scapegoat…
Same. I think they target us because we know. We see through their BS.
For a second I thought you were talking about me. She hated me so much for not conforming to her and to the society. And she punished me severely Spiritually, mentally and physically.
Me too!
I was the servant she was the Queen.
What a mess .
@@abshir4133
My mother told me that since i was born she was sick . That b i t c h got chronic sick , astma , about 12 years after she had me .
Narcissists are attracted to nice, kind, honest people, the kind they themselves are not. They need good souls so they will have someone to abuse. They're not interested in another narcissist. Two narcissists would kill each other
they need minions to constantly praise them, or act on their behalf.
Frighteningly true although I wish it wasn’t!!!
Agree. Watching your boundaries is high priority with narcissists. Slightly off topic: one great tactic I learned in a psychology book for holding boundaries with those who use guilt in order to persuade, is to point-blank call them out. "Are you trying to make me feel guilty for XYZ"? A normal individual will usually back-track. A narcissist can be fond of such a guilt tactic. Call them out? No. They'll go on the offensive and become the victim with some kind of gas lightning thrown at you. Call them out, and you'll know immediately if they are a narcissist. Be careful if they are the aggressive type though. Just disengage your life from them ASAP. Boss, relative or otherwise.
After time the victim doesn't own a thought of their own...all been trashed on the alter of the narcissist.
Sandra Brown had Purdue University do a study on victims of Pathological love relationships and the study found all victims were extremely high in agreeableness and conscientiousness. It is in her book Women Who Love Psychopaths. I am not indicating this only happens to women and Sandra comments on this in the book. Certainly agree they are looking for supply.
What I can't believe (in the workplace/family/social scene) are the people that line up to make excuses for them!! And completely swallow the BS stories and never "double check" by asking the third party receiving the abuse.
I wanted to add something about a covert. They will be very interested in your stories, what you like, what you don't like on the first encounter. Then they mimic them later on, and you would think that they were your soulmate. Keep record of what this person says in the beginning, and compare notes later. If there are inconsistencies, high tail out of there.
I think they are looking for some kind of visible or more obvious perceived weakness. Like single parents, people who are depressed or seem to have other mental health issues, people who are financially struggling etc.
Single parents perceived as weak? Guess we have very different views.
@SKOL What’s being meant here by perceived weaknesses is showing dysfunctional behavior - codependency, attachment issues, poor boundaries, low selfworth. We show it, it comes out in our constitution, and the narcs can pick up on it, AND then choose to take advantage of our vulnerability.
No, it’s not always indicative of being raised by single parents but more often than not, kids raised by single (and often overworked) parents are vulnerable to feeling insecure and having low selfworth. It’s almost a trope but that’s quickly changing with growing awareness.
Reading the comments make me feel not alone on what I went through! Thank you everyone!❤️ I grew up with a narcissistic mentally and physically abusive mother and thought of it as normal and kept picking manipulate friends and abusive guys. I ended up cutting all those people out of my life and went on DEEP journey of...Who am I? As in ..what are my interests, values, ect. Then learning to be my best friend...how? When I go out to do something fun alone (for me last weekend went to Japanese Garden Festival), pretend in my head I have a best friend with me...and that friend is me. I would think about the beautiful garden, dances, music and comment in my head how beautiful it was and how fun and relaxing time I had like I'm talking to a friend...and again the friend is me. Sounds weird I know. But it is helping me.😁
True
It shatters you
You don't even know yourself any longer
It's like seeking yourself again and learning who you are
What you see is so ugly
Apologizing constantly
To learn to say no it's the most vital
Perfectly describes the mother of my 2 children. Now my ex . I spent 15 years listening to her lies and was exposed to her abuse and I was slowly dismantled into an emotional wreck. She’s now moved onto her next target and only last night I learned that even after 8 years apart she has been spreading lies to anybody who would listen about my nature. They always get found out in the end.
26yrs here.
And I believe they do get found out in the end.
Absolutely. They would and will sleep with anyone and everyone that will have them. Pretty, ugly, rich, poor. It doesn't matter.
They also sleep with in-laws of ex-relatives. They don't care.
@@ladysahin7798 yup. They are dirty used up people. A walking cesspool.
You definitely have considerable depth and breadth of knowledge and understanding of who these individuals are at their core, and on the surface, and what motivates them. Well done.
Thank you for taking the time to compile this info, write a script, film, edit, and publish this video. This has the potential to help so many people who have no idea there are people out there who are morally bankrupt, conniving, self-absorbed, and egoically fragile.
They look and are capable of acting like the rest of us at times, but W O W are they ever miserably shallow, social-climbing, admiration-seeking a-holes.
The more intelligent they are, the more dangerous they can be, as well.
I also see narcissists really wanting OTHER narcissists, fully prepared to do any filthy thing to get the other narcissist to approve of them.
It has been my impression as well that narcissists tend to band together
Some of us were just born into it, but the good news is that although it sets us up with an especially steep climb ahead, a good life is still possible.
I think sometimes one can fall under the false impression that one is being targeted specifically by narcissists because we have been told the statistical incidence of NPD is in the lower percentiles. I actually think that's wrong and I would say pathological narcissists are way more common than academia would have you believe. Sure, narcissists prefer certain traits in their victims, but for the most part encountering them is inevitable.
Agree people try to live without confrontation so they get away with it.
Yes. Narcissists are everywhere. Some are worse than others, but it more rare to find a decent person than it is to find an abuser/user.
Dr Ramani cites it might be around 20% and I tend to think that’s about right. Maybe they’re not all very high up the narcissistic scale, but it seems to be a lot more than around 2%
@@atomicpepper The decent people stay in their homes for fear of the toxic people!
50 percent I say ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Your light shines in their darkness and they can’t handle it
Yes!!! Preach!!! Amen!!! Darkness cannot comprehend light!!!
@@theinsightfulvisionary0197 thanks tangela. Go well
He picked me as I was very confident, alert, empath, kind nature etc etc and he was out to destroy me and leave me with nothing. I’ve seen his game, we were together almost a year, bought a house, only in it 3 months and it was sold. I was watching him a few months before we bought it, he was very stressed and I put the rage down to that. Thinking it would settle down after we moved in, I agreed to buying the house.
Only in 8 days and I asked him not to put boxes etc on my lovely expensive bedding and he started WW3 saying he would buy me out etc….that was the plan all along. In the middle of arguments or rage tantrums, they ALWAYS give away their plans as they don’t know when to stop talking. One bit of advice…..clear your head and LISTEN to every word, particularly when they are ranting. They don’t focus on what they are saying, they just rant and it all comes out.
Being a pushover + goodlooks = Narqbait
Vulnerable narcs tend to choose you when you are in conflict (sick family member or "negligent" spouse, distracted (funerals are a favorite or child birth to sneak away) - ) they also tend to choose ATTACHED people who will keep their nasty little secrets. If you need a few stories feel free to send me a messege. Great videos! About to start some of my own from a Neurodivergents (ADHD/ASD) perspective adn also how these folks tend to CHOOSE ALOT of neurodivergent (and co dependednt folks) ...we need tips for THOSE people as they process and learn and experience these things VERY VERY different than regular folks ..
Thank you I think neuro divergent are highly susceptible to being victimized by narcissists but no one talks about it.
My ex narc investigated me for a bit over a month before he chose to meet me. I had no idea until after I ended the relationship & went no contact. I think each narc is unique in how they pick a victim.
From my experience with narcissists in the immediate family and beyond , they glean their greatest satisfaction from peddling their lies and having scammed others into believing them . Abusing and destroying people behind closed doors is enjoyable to them but convincing others that it never happened , they are the victim or that you are the liar is where the really enjoyable sport of it all is .
He called me Stupid! He said i would end up a bag lady!
I walked. That was 26 yrs ago, still single. Got a lovely wee hoose, nice car and a few bob in the bank
I have been a victim for 40 yrs. You describe me before & after. Spot on!
So sorry 😞 I know how u feel
I have been 41 years
I use to love life and working
I can’t even leave my house 🏡
I hate going even to the store
And I loved all of that years ago
He has taken over all money
I don’t work 😞
He took over my car again
I have to ask even for money to buy my pads 😞
I can’t even imagine living on my own even though I wish I could
Please keep me in prays
Very penetrative lecturer. I enjoyed his way of description and his precise explanations. Thank you 🙏🌹
My father was a violent and mentally abusive person. When I finally left home I was damaged and my ex wife picked up on this. On top of this I had skills she could bask in. Music and teaching. Over 14 years she drained all my confidence and even my health and when I finally left her I had nothing. She took or destroyed it all. It's taken me 30 years and I'm still recovering. I have a partner who is supportive, treats me as an equal and is helping me regain my confidence. I am looking over my shoulder less and less and learning new skills. After 35 years of being called stupid by her and my father I went back to university and completed a science degree to prove to myself - not them - that I'm not stupid.
Good to see you thriving and regaining your confidence 👍
Love to you, keep on growing and never stop!
I'll answer that question without a video. It's because they can use you. Narcissism is selfishness. And what does a selfish person want? A servant.
This has been one of the most explanatory video of Narcissism. Everything you mentioned is so on point. Looking back, there were so many red flags. Finally removed myself and in the process of trying to heal and work on my self confidence. Thank you.
They choose you because you are everything they aren't and never could be.
I had a teacher once try to Flunk me only for my looks too. We spoke to school of that.He said he can not say why but it was true. So they said do not fail her. They are every where.
Darren I was born into a life of narcissists. From my parents, to friends and romantic relationships. After the last mess almost 3years ago I’ve had it. It definitely is about who I am. As soon as I see narcissistic patterns with people. I distance myself. Because I actually like who, I have to learn how to recognize serious problems in people and let them go sooner or avoid them all together. Thanks for this video.
Exactly! We should be flattered that we were chosen to be abused. They know that they can never be us. Your videos are amazing! So grateful for your wisdom.
Greatful no fkn way , once u are married , house children omg the covert she's ready to bite
@@waynegilbert6765 get out now! You will be grateful. Promise.
@@ponytail911 this was 10 yrs ago , parental alienation awful , I just don't understand why
They come to clean out our shame... by making it come to the surface and BURN.
Narcissists never have tales of compassion. If any,the compassion is only for them,never for anybody other than them.
This is spot on. I have a saying ‘the reward for taking shit, is more shit’
How true....! And as a Christian you are the ultimate fodder and 'prey'.
@@ashl8804 Only if you make yourself a prey. The bible says to be as wise as a serpent and as gentle as the dove.
@@unravelwithanne9249 Easily said after....! I've since learnt the gift of the Spirit of discernment.
@@ashl8804 You must have strong, unwavering boundaries to deal with narcissists.
Wow! This is the second video of yours that I've watched on narcissism and I swear you had to be living with me and my ex. I guess after my phone hearing all the arguments and lies, figured out what he was before I did! Hah! You are spot on and I appreciate you posting such educational content. I pray you are blessed for it sir! I had everything going for me one year ago and now I've lost everything. Home, career, health and self-confidence. Thankfully my sanity is still intact. I'm slowly working on getting everything back. I'm just happy to be free!
I heard the term "narcissistic supply" and you described - are you beautiful, accomplished, dynamic - go getter- all that is attractive to them - the confidence is good for their image the "arm candy" or making their ex- feel bad. But one is just a token. it is right to believe if you want to go deeper or have a meaningful talk or explain how they crossed a boundary - they either disappear - deny - and as you explain disagree and gaslight - if you try again - you will be discarded and threatened because for them the show must go on and they want fans , drones and flying monkeys. this can be high society or people who drive a tasty cake truck for a living. awful group of superficial sociopaths
Don't let kindness become a weakness. Be ready to fight if you have to just don't let yourself be take advantage of.
❤ I needed to hear this today. I now understand the last year of my life. Thank you!
This is a powerful video. I learned a few things that were very helpful. Thank you.
Thank you for posting this! Sadly you are a thousand percent correct about those dangerous and evil people.
@DarrenFMagee Yours is the only real advice I’ve heard for how to deal with a Narcissist. Thank you.
Thank you for this video. You have just described everything about me being trapped by my ex-husband. You have made so much sense here. I am not in his life anymore, thank god and myself!
thank you.. been doubting myself massively having just exited a narcissistic relationship but after listening to a few of your vidos im realising that I wasn't losing my mind..
All the points are very accurate. Thank you for your work.
You nailed it. This is exactly what they do. You are a great asset to the world on your part to expose them so that those who watch this informative video knows what to do about them. Thank you and God bless you.
Hi Darren, after I watch a few videos in your Channel. I want to say thank you so much. Your video helps me to have a better understanding of NPD. At the moment I'm in the process of separating from my ex-boyfriend who was a very abusive person. Everything you said, it was so right. I'm glad I left that horrible place that night. Hope I'm going back to my normal soon.
Setting strongest boundaries with these type of people ! thx bro
thank you so much for your generosity 🙏🏻 I am realizing how much I have been affected by that relationship and am slowly starting to wake up and find myself again
Thank you, Darren..... your channel is so spot on!
This was an excellent video, everything u said is true. Been out of the nightmare for 2.5 yrs, and still healing... I was a successful female engineer and he destroyed my entire life. The thought of a next r'ship makes me feel physically sick.
On a side note I love Yr accent but it makes me sad. Although he was scottish he lived in Ireland and some the worst abuse I experienced occurred in Ireland while I was away from my family.
So whenever I hear the accent I remember my love of the country, its scenery and people as well as feelings of anxiety brought on by the memories of physical and severe emotional abuse 😔
Hi Darren, love your channel. With a sister like that I watched her behave like this with partners she would overlap and discard. I eventually went ‘no contact’ 14 yrs ago and never regretted it. My life became peaceful immediately. Looking forward to your next video.
When you said 'Why did I pick them?' I was like 'yup, been there'.
You hit the nail on the head. As far as my situation goes.
Great insight, thanks.
I know why I chose my narc ex. After I learned what narcissism was, I realized that my father was one. We chose what's familiar. I've since learned so much about it, so I'll never make that mistake again!!
Um, SO healing and perspective-changing for my previous relationship! I identified with this much more than the traditional explanation of being the most sensitive person. I look back and wonder what on earth happened to get into that relationship in the first place. Piece by piece I’ve cut myself some slack. This is another good piece to make sense of the past.
Great video, helpful showing we have to take accountability for our own actions and omissions. Regardless of how we were raised you can't pour from an empty cup, oh and they will let you run dry then blame you! Learn when to turn the tap off. Boundaries; you can say no and still be 'nice'. Thank you Darren 🙏
OMG this made me laugh and cry at the same time.......how true u r !!!!