First, I need to determine how far I will go lending her money then let her know what my ceiling is. Second, I think I will let her know i would like it if she'd call me sometimes just to chat. Third, I need to make peace with myself that I can't set myself on fire to keep someone else warm.
"My money, my choice on what I want to spend on, even if you don't agree. We can have a conversation if there are concerns you have about my spendings."
Wow! I've been helping out a woman that's between jobs and living on her own. Things have escalated. Now she's calling me up it seems only when she wants something. Time to set some boundaries! :)
I learned this. Lesson as a teenager. I never lend out anything. I been happy ever sent then. I give to other of need and don't want it back. Don't lend out something you need and want of liberty. 😺👍😃
You really made things so clearly. We have helped one of our daughters out quit a bit. Thank you so much for this video. We loaned out a tremendous amount of money to one our daughters . We wish we would have set more boundaries than we did. We thought we did, but hopefully she will pay us back when she gets things settled with her x. We are praying but we may be dead by the time they get things settled! Lol.😂
I have been setting boundaries on how much of my money can be spent on family eating out, traveling on vacations and how much I'm financing my spouse's life. This has made me feel a lot better. My money, my rules. I love going to a good restaurant once in a while, but it should not be the default especially since I'm not a millionaire LOL 😂 I probably never ate at a restaurant as a kid! Anyway, boundaries have been a lifesaver in so many areas of my life the past few years. Thanks Julia ❤
Thank you for this class. I used to lend money. Then people could keep quite. I start asking for the money. Something I find very difficult. And,giving out money with witnesses and written agreements is itself a hustle. I just give what I dont expect back Second thing you brought up amazingly; putting a TV remote on the right place in the room. I had to right a a piece of paper and stick it by the tv saying,leave remote here. And my roommates could roll eyes thinking it was petty. But,we could not find the remote when we needed it!!!!!!!
I'm saving this one to listen to every morning for the next MONTH! I have an 89 year old mother who just moved from CA to a town in KS in which my older sister and I both live. I've been getting that "icky" vibe you mention from our mother (it's an "ok!...I'm ready for you girls to comfort me and take care of my every need and desire in my old age now!" attitude )...and my sister is famous for making a big initial..."solitary" effort on '"caretaking tasks" (without including anyone else) ...and then as a result, feeling this entitles her to make all decisions without consulting others on who will be responsible for what without ever asking those "others" (ME for example) what they're able to take on. A very important conversation should have taken place before the decision was made that our mom could live "independently" in an apartment. "Sis" just assumed she could orchestrate and delegate (it's a long standing pattern) Thank God I'm so much better at identifying these "tricks" than I was as a child. But it still ain't gonna be easy getting through this time.
Very good video and advice Julia. Your videos and advice are always awesome. Some of the things you mentioned happened to me in my early years. These things do put an end to relationships. As all things in life life temporary and impermanent. Some people and relationships just aren’t worth the time and effort to keep and maintain. Keep up the great work ❤️🌈🙏.
This will apply to me most with my family. The "you owe me this because I did these things for you" is a tricky one. I often feel guilty for refusing to give back to my parents in terms of effort, time and possessions. However, if I am uncomfortable doing or giving something, I can remind myself I can set boundaries on what I want to offer. I will also be more aware of procession boundary violations and address them appropriately.
Senior Shifter Chris here! Thanks, Julia Kristina, M.A. Psych, for your latest UA-cam video, The Personal Possession Boundaries You Need (Including Money Lending Boundaries) Pt.5 I do have a story to share, and I will do that within our group pages. Here are my notes: WHAT ARE MATERIAL BOUNDARIES? Material boundaries include (But not limited to): *Your possessions *Your home *Your car *Your money *Your furniture *Your jewelry *Your clothes *Your hose *Your Tent *Your sleeping bags Etc… * Material things that you own/have that someone else might want to use or borrow. *You determine how or what you let people interact with your things when you lend them out and/or share them. *It is important for you to know what off limits is. *What are off limits for certain people. *You get to decide those things and communicating will help you prevent resentment and preserve those relationships. *Boundaries are not about keeping people out, boundaries are letting people in and explaining the rules, and if they want to come in, others need to be respectful of them. WHAT DOES IT SOUND LIKE TO HAVE MATERIAL BOUNDARIES? Examples: *"Yes, you can borrow my hose, do you mind winding it up just like it is, when you give it back?" *"Hey, I am happy to lend you my car, it has a full tank of gas, so if you don't mind filling it up when you return it, that would be appreciated. Thank you." *"I am sorry. I am not comfortable lending out my car." *" I have a personal policy to not lend out big sums of money." *"No, I don't ever lend out money." or "I will lend you the money and this is what is required, or this is what we need to do…" *Lend out the amount of money that you don't mind never seeing again (Just in case, with that expectation that a person will never pay you back) *If you do loan out big amounts of money, maybe get lawyers involved. *We can find the balance, don't ever let someone borrow or use your stuff, but also make sure you have your rules when people do. *It is not fair for others if boundaries aren't communicated. MATERIAL BOUNDARIES CAN ALSO HAVE TIME LIMITS: *"Yes, I can lend you this thing, but I need it back by this certain time…" *Set a clear time around those things. *If you lend something, like a book to a person, you can mark it on the calendar when you would like it back and follow up with that person to make sure you get it back or ask them to put a *reminder in their calendar and to follow up with you. PEOPLE WITHIN YOUR SPACE (House guests, friends or family): *Let them know how you would like them to engage with your space/home when they are there. *For example, if someone is staying at your place and is or will be the last person up, ask them, "Would you mind turning off all the lights and making sure the doors are all locked and the living room is tidy, and things put away." WHAT BOUNDARIES VIOLATIONS CAN LOOK LIKE: *Someone borrowing something from you and then never returning it even though you made it clear that you wanted them to. *It can be people taking them without asking or even stealing them. *If you lend someone something once, they may think they can just take it without asking. *Don't let yourself or others to use possessions or money to manipulate others, for example, "I lent you money, so you have to do everything I want you to do all the time because I gave you this thing…" *"I did this thing for you; you should do this for me." Make sure there is an agreement for wanting something in return before and not after the fact, don't expect others if you didn't tell them. *If you lived in a family that shared things before when you were kids or younger, you can now let your siblings or other family members know now that you are and adult, you can set clear boundaries about what you are willing to share and lend out and that you want permission to ask things to be borrowed. Respect their material boundaries too. Both must accept "No" for an answer. *As an adult, you can even have boundaries with your parents too. CONCLUSION: *Boundaries don't mean that you are mean, boundaries mean that you are clear. We need clearer and more communication. *The clearer we are with our wants, needs and preferences, the clearer it is for others to respect. *Use clarity to set the relationship up with success.
I know people who give their mother an set income for babysitting their kids. Their thinking was that they would otherwise have to pay someone, so it's a win, win, win.
My things can he shared among my things. Not otherwise. But my things consist of friends, family, and loved ones...one needs permission from the family is important
Hey Julia can you make a video about how to stop gossiping and backbiting about people I need help on how to stop gossiping it would be very helpful if you would make a video about gossiping and backbiting
Sometimes Julia refers to the old stoic wisdom of how you can only control what you do, how you react. You can ask a person to stop gossiping but that's about it. If they have nothing else in their life, it's probably going to be tough for them to stop the behaviour. How else would you explain gossip news being so popular... Some people need better things to do, need to understand gossip can hurt.
Why are your examples about parents all about the parents crossing boundaries? In my experience the parents are often the ones being taken advantage of. Actually I know many examples. I am disappointed in you.
Perhaps a good point, but then again the content is free here on UA-cam. We didn't hire Julia and describe our life situation as a background for this specific video. Maybe Julia is giving examples that hit home as a mom of young'ish kids and daughter of older parents.
Hi! Glad you're here. What are some of your material boundaries that you're going to start setting more clearly?
First, I need to determine how far I will go lending her money then let her know what my ceiling is.
Second, I think I will let her know i would like it if she'd call me sometimes just to chat.
Third, I need to make peace with myself that I can't set myself on fire to keep someone else warm.
"My money, my choice on what I want to spend on, even if you don't agree. We can have a conversation if there are concerns you have about my spendings."
Wow! I've been helping out a woman that's between jobs and living on her own. Things have escalated. Now she's calling me up it seems only when she wants something. Time to set some boundaries! :)
Yes! Time to set some boundaries.
I learned this. Lesson as a teenager. I never lend out anything. I been happy ever sent then. I give to other of need and don't want it back. Don't lend out something you need and want of liberty. 😺👍😃
I have learned to set boundaries with parents. Gma always said " to be clear is to be kind."
You really made things so clearly. We have helped one of our daughters out quit a bit. Thank you so much for this video. We loaned out a tremendous amount of money to one our daughters . We wish we would have set more boundaries than we did. We thought we did, but hopefully she will pay us back when she gets things settled with her x. We are praying but we may be dead by the time they get things settled! Lol.😂
Really glad you found this helpful Cindy! And hopefully that money will come back your way - or at least something meaningful in lieu. lol.
I feel like that too Julia that I have to drop everything and do what I’m asked to do without hesitation.
I have been setting boundaries on how much of my money can be spent on family eating out, traveling on vacations and how much I'm financing my spouse's life. This has made me feel a lot better. My money, my rules. I love going to a good restaurant once in a while, but it should not be the default especially since I'm not a millionaire LOL 😂 I probably never ate at a restaurant as a kid! Anyway, boundaries have been a lifesaver in so many areas of my life the past few years. Thanks Julia ❤
Thank you for this class. I used to lend money. Then people could keep quite. I start asking for the money. Something I find very difficult. And,giving out money with witnesses and written agreements is itself a hustle. I just give what I dont expect back
Second thing you brought up amazingly; putting a TV remote on the right place in the room. I had to right a a piece of paper and stick it by the tv saying,leave remote here. And my roommates could roll eyes thinking it was petty. But,we could not find the remote when we needed it!!!!!!!
I'm saving this one to listen to every morning for the next MONTH!
I have an 89 year old mother who just moved from CA to a town in KS in which my older sister and I both live. I've been getting that "icky" vibe you mention from our mother (it's an "ok!...I'm ready for you girls to comfort me and take care of my every need and desire in my old age now!" attitude )...and my sister is famous for making a big initial..."solitary" effort on '"caretaking tasks" (without including anyone else) ...and then as a result, feeling this entitles her to make all decisions without consulting others on who will be responsible for what without ever asking those "others" (ME for example) what they're able to take on.
A very important conversation should have taken place before the decision was made that our mom could live "independently" in an apartment. "Sis" just assumed she could orchestrate and delegate (it's a long standing pattern) Thank God I'm so much better at identifying these "tricks" than I was as a child. But it still ain't gonna be easy getting through this time.
I like things a certain way too Julia.
Very good video and advice Julia. Your videos and advice are always awesome. Some of the things you mentioned happened to me in my early years. These things do put an end to relationships. As all things in life life temporary and impermanent. Some people and relationships just aren’t worth the time and effort to keep and maintain. Keep up the great work ❤️🌈🙏.
Thanks for being here. And yes, we do need to be discerning with who we share ourselves with.
Shifter here . Very helpful and great video! Im learning so much from this series on boundaries. Thank you Julia!
Hey Shifter - that is music to my ears. Really glad you're here.
@@juliakristinamah Thank you!
Very valuable video.
Black & White suits these videos better.
My sister and my nieces totally messed up my bathroom when I was on vacation with my mother and stepfather Julia.
My maternal boundaries are whatever I have in my bedroom Julia.
That’s awesome thank you ❤❤❤
This will apply to me most with my family. The "you owe me this because I did these things for you" is a tricky one. I often feel guilty for refusing to give back to my parents in terms of effort, time and possessions. However, if I am uncomfortable doing or giving something, I can remind myself I can set boundaries on what I want to offer. I will also be more aware of procession boundary violations and address them appropriately.
I don’t accept anything again from people who do this!
Senior Shifter Chris here! Thanks, Julia Kristina, M.A. Psych, for your latest UA-cam video,
The Personal Possession Boundaries You Need (Including Money Lending Boundaries) Pt.5
I do have a story to share, and I will do that within our group pages.
Here are my notes:
WHAT ARE MATERIAL BOUNDARIES?
Material boundaries include (But not limited to):
*Your possessions
*Your home
*Your car
*Your money
*Your furniture
*Your jewelry
*Your clothes
*Your hose
*Your Tent
*Your sleeping bags
Etc…
* Material things that you own/have that someone else might want to use or borrow.
*You determine how or what you let people interact with your things when you lend them out and/or share them.
*It is important for you to know what off limits is.
*What are off limits for certain people.
*You get to decide those things and communicating will help you prevent resentment and preserve those relationships.
*Boundaries are not about keeping people out, boundaries are letting people in and explaining the rules, and if they want to come in, others need to be respectful of them.
WHAT DOES IT SOUND LIKE TO HAVE MATERIAL BOUNDARIES?
Examples:
*"Yes, you can borrow my hose, do you mind winding it up just like it is, when you give it back?"
*"Hey, I am happy to lend you my car, it has a full tank of gas, so if you don't mind filling it up when you return it, that would be appreciated. Thank you."
*"I am sorry. I am not comfortable lending out my car."
*" I have a personal policy to not lend out big sums of money."
*"No, I don't ever lend out money." or "I will lend you the money and this is what is required, or this is what we need to do…"
*Lend out the amount of money that you don't mind never seeing again (Just in case, with that expectation that a person will never pay you back)
*If you do loan out big amounts of money, maybe get lawyers involved.
*We can find the balance, don't ever let someone borrow or use your stuff, but also make sure you have your rules when people do.
*It is not fair for others if boundaries aren't communicated.
MATERIAL BOUNDARIES CAN ALSO HAVE TIME LIMITS:
*"Yes, I can lend you this thing, but I need it back by this certain time…"
*Set a clear time around those things.
*If you lend something, like a book to a person, you can mark it on the calendar when you would like it back and follow up with that person to make sure you get it back or ask them to put a *reminder in their calendar and to follow up with you.
PEOPLE WITHIN YOUR SPACE (House guests, friends or family):
*Let them know how you would like them to engage with your space/home when they are there.
*For example, if someone is staying at your place and is or will be the last person up, ask them, "Would you mind turning off all the lights and making sure the doors are all locked and the living room is tidy, and things put away."
WHAT BOUNDARIES VIOLATIONS CAN LOOK LIKE:
*Someone borrowing something from you and then never returning it even though you made it clear that you wanted them to.
*It can be people taking them without asking or even stealing them.
*If you lend someone something once, they may think they can just take it without asking.
*Don't let yourself or others to use possessions or money to manipulate others, for example, "I lent you money, so you have to do everything I want you to do all the time because I gave you this thing…"
*"I did this thing for you; you should do this for me." Make sure there is an agreement for wanting something in return before and not after the fact, don't expect others if you didn't tell them.
*If you lived in a family that shared things before when you were kids or younger, you can now let your siblings or other family members know now that you are and adult, you can set clear boundaries about what you are willing to share and lend out and that you want permission to ask things to be borrowed. Respect their material boundaries too. Both must accept "No" for an answer.
*As an adult, you can even have boundaries with your parents too.
CONCLUSION:
*Boundaries don't mean that you are mean, boundaries mean that you are clear. We need clearer and more communication.
*The clearer we are with our wants, needs and preferences, the clearer it is for others to respect.
*Use clarity to set the relationship up with success.
Amazing Chris. Thank you!
@@juliakristinamah My pleasure!
Love her. This is Maria
Gracias.. desde México ❤
De nada desde Vancouver ❤
@@juliakristinamah Que honor.🌻
You should never lend money with just a handshake as a promise to pay it back.
Less is more isn’t always appropriate.
I gave my step-father Steve a T-shirt recently, which I let him have.
I’m nobody’s doormat Julia.
I know people who give their mother an set income for babysitting their kids. Their thinking was that they would otherwise have to pay someone, so it's a win, win, win.
My things can he shared among my things. Not otherwise. But my things consist of friends, family, and loved ones...one needs permission from the family is important
Thanks for sharing. Glad you have this clarity.
@juliakristinamah thank you Madame, I glad of you.
You think I’m The Bank Of Christopher Julia when my family wants money from me.
I think if I lent my friends money Julia they wouldn’t pay it back.
Sometimes my mother wants to borrow money from me Julia you think I’m an ATM.
Hey Julia can you make a video about how to stop gossiping and backbiting about people I need help on how to stop gossiping it would be very helpful if you would make a video about gossiping and backbiting
Sometimes Julia refers to the old stoic wisdom of how you can only control what you do, how you react. You can ask a person to stop gossiping but that's about it. If they have nothing else in their life, it's probably going to be tough for them to stop the behaviour. How else would you explain gossip news being so popular... Some people need better things to do, need to understand gossip can hurt.
Can you make a video about how to deal with controlling people
uh oh, I just found books in my basement from an old high-school boyfriend clearly marked as "loaned".
Whoops! Lol.
Video starts at 2:00
I’m lucky Julia I don’t have a car because I can’t drive because I have a disability.
Do you offer private counseling? Thank you for your consideration
I do. Here's a link with more info: juliakristina.com/work-with-us/#work-with-julia-kristina
Ask permission if you want something from me.
I know you're taken but I still believe you're incredibly attractive
She is
🤔
Why are your examples about parents all about the parents crossing boundaries? In my experience the parents are often the ones being taken advantage of. Actually I know many examples. I am disappointed in you.
It sounds as if you are taking an example and making it personal.
Touched a nerve perhaps?
Perhaps a good point, but then again the content is free here on UA-cam. We didn't hire Julia and describe our life situation as a background for this specific video. Maybe Julia is giving examples that hit home as a mom of young'ish kids and daughter of older parents.
Thanks-Needed This😳👩🦽