I'm so very sorry that you encountered a narcissist. If it's any consultation, as a narcissist, I wish I could change. We deserve all the hatred. The crazy thing is that we hate ourselves more than you do.
👍🏻 If you have narcissistic parents, narcissism is like the foundation you have to deal with all your life to develop an individual personality. I have to remind myself to open up more, not to underestimate myself and not to appear too modest all the time ... 😶🌫️
You are constantly trying to Fit in to modalities which are formed by a larger society. Set yourself free and be yourself, play your personality Well and be Good. Life in this universe isn't complicated. Seek out a primer or key to understanding the Real world and how natura naturans manifests life itself. Live according to natures will, and above all else keep laughing, stay joyful, laughter is essential for your soul ❤
This is so very helpful. When I heard the part about grieving the loss of a child aka the narc, I almost started crying. During therapy I told my counselor that I felt like I was abandoning my child and how terribly painful it was - I experience alot of guilt and he also projects blame, shame and guilt upon me. I thought it was odd that I felt that way about my ex because I see him as a wounded little boy. I've felt like his mommy for a long, long time and not a wife/partner.
This hit home and was spot on, on the narcissist glorifying their behavior. I am married to a narcissist. My daughter was crying and told her dad she was tired of him hurting people. He told her her he is self confident and wouldn't be where he is if he wasn't that way. Narcissist are terrible people, and they destroy lives.
52:30 (personal timestamp) Narcissist needs to annihilate the real you and convert you to an internal object aka become ideal mother in his mind..he needs the real you to not contradict/conflict with the internal object he has in his mind of you. He doesnt recognize real you as external, takes away your autonomy..aka you need to be "dead" and only his ideal internal object of you needs to be alive. His internal object of you will never disagree or abandon him...the real you frustrates and scares him. The annihilation of the real you = narcissistic abuse until you are "dead"/disassociated/depressed/de-animates your spirit/heart/joyful life essence
Sam, I am an identical twin and we were treated very differently. My mom saw something in my twin sister that she hated in herself, therefore, she took all this hate out on her. I wanted to keep peace. I hated watching this. It hurt so bad to watch. It made me the people pleaser.
My husbands moms died at 5. He sat under a table crying and he said no one came for him. He’s all the things you’ve said. But he doesn’t hate his mother. He is just trying to create me to be his mother. But had an alcoholic abusive father in the wake of his mothers death. It’s interesting to watch now that I’m awake.
This was an amazing video. I learned so much!! It is hard to explain to people. When I was with the abuser. I wasn’t “allowed” to do anything. It was hard to explain. I would be punished. This explains it perfectly
Wow. So the narc I was associated with was also a diagnosed schitzophrenic, psychotic (didn’t take his meds) and BPD…. That was a mess of a person. A toxic dark abuser, with showing the face of an angel that turned to the face of a devil in a heartbeat. I couldn’t survive that. 21 months of events… such damage
When I looked at my mother (my narcissist) and saw the nothing, that's when I really started to understand my entire life! There is Nothing there. It's so sad. Dr. Vaknin says at 22:43 the narcissist relies on other people machinery. This is the first time I heard Dr. Vaknin explain it this way. So, when my mother punished me for being nice to her but later would try to make me believe I was an unappreciative ... she was just using me to continue hating her when I did not want to hate her I wanted a mother. She was using my empathetic nature to her advantage (my mechanics) because she was able to hurt me and also to create this version of her that she could understand. She did Not understand it when I stepped in to help with dinner or to help with ... well I wasn't actually able to help her with anything. If she let me in, that didn't compute to her version of who I was. So, for instance, because we couldnt run the dishwasher at night, the next morning, I went to turn the dishwasher on. She stepped in front of me blocking the on button with her hand, she told me no. Then went to the sink and let the hot water run. This was completely made up but in her mind it was always a thing and I was starting the dishwasher wrong. She would give me praise when I changed a light bulb. She meant it too. She told my cousin over the phone if my successful light bulb change then later told my uncle, too, in their phone conversation. In these same conversations she would also tell my family (who I don't actually know. I was never able to consider her family as a part of my family) she gave them a long story about how I got mad at her and my dad when they suggested calling someone out to finish the shed that was building in the backyard. Yes I got mad because I was working and would finish the shed the next weekend. So, when she suggested that she call someone to help me, I got upset because ai know why she suggested that- to make me upset. The only reason! She did not care about the shed - she is empty, remember. But she did now she gets to tell people this story. I tried to have a conversation with my cousin once and with my uncle at one time but they had a hard time reciprocating in conversation because all that they hear of me is stuff like that. She offers up all the info. No one asks her. She gets this high and she calls people back to back and she talks for 60 minutes straight. All about her. She's pressing rep-or on them whether or not they want to hear it. By doing that she blocks me from ever building a relationship with people. She turns everyone in my life against me. This is my entire life. It'sEXHAUSTING! But, at least she's okay. And she is. She gets everything she wants.
Interesting topic about the mother's/parent's role. My partner's parents both died decades ago, but when i filed for divorce after 30 years ( him secretly building up a relationship with a young girl, me finding out) he started copying pics of his parents and leaving them on display everywhere. It seemed so odd, his dad was an abusive alcoholic, but after listening to this, I am beginning to understand where he is coming from. Thank you.
Thank you Prof, Sam Vankin. Why didn't I have this information many tears ago. This happened to me a long time ago, it all makes sense now. I ended up a single mother of two boys. My firm belief back then was and still is, give your your children wings but at the same time, let them know that they always have roots, called (Home). When they leave the nest that you provided and you watch them stand tall, it makes you feel proud. They are never far away.
Prof Vaknin - thank you so much for all your compelling lectures. Off topic - can you do a video on how they did the research on narcissists? Did they interview them? Or talk to survivors? It all makes sense but intrigued to know how the academy was able to understand the disorder so well.
Its impossible not to encounter a narcissist in ur path in life, therefore its a lesson to be careful with ur kindness, ur care and where ur attention goes. Its selfish to think u will only meet nice people, now u are weaponized with better attitude on how to handle them. They thought they broke u down, while they only managed to make u stronger 💪
Definitely think I experienced NPD abuse in one of my first relationships (I think Covert NPD, just non-stop criticizing my every move, but a total bore). I've self-diagnosed as Covert BPD -- I identify with your descriptions more than anything I've read before lol. Was wondering, do you think the Covert BPD is seeking the same parent mothering -> separate dynamic as the NPD?
Professor Vaknin, Please would you describe the difference between the false self in a narcissist and alters in DID? Why is it that the true self in DID remains and is able to mostly or intermittently remain at the fore (with alters periodically taking over consciousness) yet, in narcissism, the true self withers/dies (leaving only the false self)? Thank you.
Prof Sam, can you tell me please, in most cases is the mother of a narcissistic child generally a good mother and he due to the nature of narcissism always internalises everything she does negatively or in other words can the mother be a normal healthy loving mother in reality...... Many thanks....
It’s all clear now why the narc said to me that he wanted me to confirm that we were unconditional. I told him that he must stop his abuse and then it may be possible…. He didn’t like that… super punitive.. massively.
We know they know what they are doing is wrong so there must be some way of helping these people, the world would be a better place for everyone, my partner and mother are definitely like that please don't tell me they need a diagnosis I think living with people like that for years is as good as well as listening to experts like you are enough I started to be suspicious about his behaviour 8 years ago and I didn't want him to be like that, who wants to find out you're partner could never love you and it was all a lie anyway sadly i now know its true, I am still with him I'm stuck in a trauma bond and he has we trapped the only good thing about this is i have a good education on personality disorders, sorry for rambling on gone off point abit but do you think we could help them, what about cognitive behavioural therapy?
I'm so very sorry that you encountered a narcissist. If it's any consultation, as a narcissist, I wish I could change. We deserve all the hatred. The crazy thing is that we hate ourselves more than you do.
👍🏻 If you have narcissistic parents, narcissism is like the foundation you have to deal with all your life to develop an individual personality. I have to remind myself to open up more, not to underestimate myself and not to appear too modest all the time ... 😶🌫️
That’s where I’m at I discard everyone
You are constantly trying to Fit in to modalities which are formed by a larger society. Set yourself free and be yourself, play your personality Well and be Good. Life in this universe isn't complicated. Seek out a primer or key to understanding the Real world and how natura naturans manifests life itself. Live according to natures will, and above all else keep laughing, stay joyful, laughter is essential for your soul ❤
This is so very helpful. When I heard the part about grieving the loss of a child aka the narc, I almost started crying. During therapy I told my counselor that I felt like I was abandoning my child and how terribly painful it was - I experience alot of guilt and he also projects blame, shame and guilt upon me. I thought it was odd that I felt that way about my ex because I see him as a wounded little boy. I've felt like his mommy for a long, long time and not a wife/partner.
This hit home and was spot on, on the narcissist glorifying their behavior. I am married to a narcissist. My daughter was crying and told her dad she was tired of him hurting people. He told her her he is self confident and wouldn't be where he is if he wasn't that way. Narcissist are terrible people, and they destroy lives.
52:30 (personal timestamp)
Narcissist needs to annihilate the real you and convert you to an internal object aka become ideal mother in his mind..he needs the real you to not contradict/conflict with the internal object he has in his mind of you. He doesnt recognize real you as external, takes away your autonomy..aka you need to be "dead" and only his ideal internal object of you needs to be alive. His internal object of you will never disagree or abandon him...the real you frustrates and scares him.
The annihilation of the real you = narcissistic abuse until you are "dead"/disassociated/depressed/de-animates your spirit/heart/joyful life essence
Sam, I am an identical twin and we were treated very differently. My mom saw something in my twin sister that she hated in herself, therefore, she took all this hate out on her. I wanted to keep peace. I hated watching this. It hurt so bad to watch. It made me the people pleaser.
What a brilliantly outspoken man he is.
He's a genius when it comes to describing and understanding the narcissist. Genius.
My husbands moms died at 5. He sat under a table crying and he said no one came for him. He’s all the things you’ve said. But he doesn’t hate his mother. He is just trying to create me to be his mother. But had an alcoholic abusive father in the wake of his mothers death. It’s interesting to watch now that I’m awake.
❤ I listen to all of her Lives on Instagram. Thank you Michelle and Prof.Sam Vaknin
This was an amazing video. I learned so much!! It is hard to explain to people. When I was with the abuser. I wasn’t “allowed” to do anything. It was hard to explain. I would be punished. This explains it perfectly
Wow. So the narc I was associated with was also a diagnosed schitzophrenic, psychotic (didn’t take his meds) and BPD…. That was a mess of a person. A toxic dark abuser, with showing the face of an angel that turned to the face of a devil in a heartbeat. I couldn’t survive that. 21 months of events… such damage
Thank you Michelle and professor Vaknin. This was incredibly helpful. 🙏🙏
Brilliant , thank you for today's conversation .
When I looked at my mother (my narcissist) and saw the nothing, that's when I really started to understand my entire life! There is Nothing there. It's so sad.
Dr. Vaknin says at 22:43 the narcissist relies on other people machinery. This is the first time I heard Dr. Vaknin explain it this way.
So, when my mother punished me for being nice to her but later would try to make me believe I was an unappreciative ... she was just using me to continue hating her when I did not want to hate her I wanted a mother.
She was using my empathetic nature to her advantage (my mechanics) because she was able to hurt me and also to create this version of her that she could understand.
She did Not understand it when I stepped in to help with dinner or to help with ... well I wasn't actually able to help her with anything. If she let me in, that didn't compute to her version of who I was. So, for instance, because we couldnt run the dishwasher at night, the next morning, I went to turn the dishwasher on. She stepped in front of me blocking the on button with her hand, she told me no. Then went to the sink and let the hot water run.
This was completely made up but in her mind it was always a thing and I was starting the dishwasher wrong.
She would give me praise when I changed a light bulb. She meant it too. She told my cousin over the phone if my successful light bulb change then later told my uncle, too, in their phone conversation. In these same conversations she would also tell my family (who I don't actually know. I was never able to consider her family as a part of my family) she gave them a long story about how I got mad at her and my dad when they suggested calling someone out to finish the shed that was building in the backyard. Yes I got mad because I was working and would finish the shed the next weekend.
So, when she suggested that she call someone to help me, I got upset because ai know why she suggested that- to make me upset. The only reason! She did not care about the shed - she is empty, remember. But she did now she gets to tell people this story.
I tried to have a conversation with my cousin once and with my uncle at one time but they had a hard time reciprocating in conversation because all that they hear of me is stuff like that. She offers up all the info. No one asks her. She gets this high and she calls people back to back and she talks for 60 minutes straight. All about her. She's pressing rep-or on them whether or not they want to hear it. By doing that she blocks me from ever building a relationship with people.
She turns everyone in my life against me. This is my entire life. It'sEXHAUSTING! But, at least she's okay.
And she is. She gets everything she wants.
Thanks again for such a helpful video!
This is frightning. Omg.
Interesting topic about the mother's/parent's role. My partner's parents both died decades ago, but when i filed for divorce after 30 years ( him secretly building up a relationship with a young girl, me finding out) he started copying pics of his parents and leaving them on display everywhere. It seemed so odd, his dad was an abusive alcoholic, but after listening to this, I am beginning to understand where he is coming from. Thank you.
I feel like I’m stuck drifting and this is my existence now
Thank you Prof, Sam Vankin. Why didn't I have this information many tears ago. This happened to me a long time ago, it all makes sense now. I ended up a single mother of two boys. My firm belief back then was and still is, give your your children wings but at the same time, let them know that they always have roots, called (Home). When they leave the nest that you provided and you watch them stand tall, it makes you feel proud. They are never far away.
Vaknin.
Prof Vaknin - thank you so much for all your compelling lectures. Off topic - can you do a video on how they did the research on narcissists? Did they interview them? Or talk to survivors? It all makes sense but intrigued to know how the academy was able to understand the disorder so well.
Excellent!
Its impossible not to encounter a narcissist in ur path in life, therefore its a lesson to be careful with ur kindness, ur care and where ur attention goes. Its selfish to think u will only meet nice people, now u are weaponized with better attitude on how to handle them. They thought they broke u down, while they only managed to make u stronger 💪
Easier said than done. Coming from a narcissistic abuse survivor.
Definitely think I experienced NPD abuse in one of my first relationships (I think Covert NPD, just non-stop criticizing my every move, but a total bore). I've self-diagnosed as Covert BPD -- I identify with your descriptions more than anything I've read before lol. Was wondering, do you think the Covert BPD is seeking the same parent mothering -> separate dynamic as the NPD?
Also, can you do a Covert BPD + Classic NPD coupling next? Please please please :)
Search the channel for “odd couple”.
Professor Vaknin,
Please would you describe the difference between the false self in a narcissist and alters in DID?
Why is it that the true self in DID remains and is able to mostly or intermittently remain at the fore (with alters periodically taking over consciousness) yet, in narcissism, the true self withers/dies (leaving only the false self)?
Thank you.
Search the channel for self-states and watch the comorbidities playlist.
@samvaknin Thanks so much Professor! I shall do that...
What a great question. ❤️🔥🙌
How can we contact you Sam?
Prof Sam, can you tell me please, in most cases is the mother of a narcissistic child generally a good mother and he due to the nature of narcissism always internalises everything she does negatively or in other words can the mother be a normal healthy loving mother in reality...... Many thanks....
A good enough mother cannot create a narcissist. Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
It’s all clear now why the narc said to me that he wanted me to confirm that we were unconditional. I told him that he must stop his abuse and then it may be possible…. He didn’t like that… super punitive.. massively.
Can you recommend any work regarding magical thinking?
Search the channel.
We know they know what they are doing is wrong so there must be some way of helping these people, the world would be a better place for everyone, my partner and mother are definitely like that please don't tell me they need a diagnosis I think living with people like that for years is as good as well as listening to experts like you are enough I started to be suspicious about his behaviour 8 years ago and I didn't want him to be like that, who wants to find out you're partner could never love you and it was all a lie anyway sadly i now know its true, I am still with him I'm stuck in a trauma bond and he has we trapped the only good thing about this is i have a good education on personality disorders, sorry for rambling on gone off point abit but do you think we could help them, what about cognitive behavioural therapy?
During the relationship - do narcissists hint at what they are going to do to you?
Search the shared fantasy playlist.