Characteristics of Narcissism: The Relentless Need for Validation
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- Опубліковано 13 чер 2024
- Narcissistic people often display an unyielding need for validation and admiration. This is a complex aspect of their personality that often shapes their interactions with others.
Rooted in fragile self-esteem and the desire for external validation, their behaviours can include attention seeking and bragging whether in their personal relationships, at work or even on social media, but ultimately often lead to and negative outcomes for others as well as eventually, themselves.
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Don't you dare insult them even for a joke. They have no sense of humor.
They love insulting, tho😂😂😂
They do have sense of humor, so long as it's insulting anyone besides themselves.
Ain't that the truth! They are awfully fragile when it really comes down ti it. Once again, here comes our old friend, Fear..it's sll.fear based.
Or perhaps they are insulting you and using humour as a way to minimise the insult. Like calling someone fat when pregnant and laughing about it. 🤔 don't know how that is a 'funny' thing to say to someone.
@@SEIKA That is the funniest comment I've ever read on this channel. Good work!
... the cycles of the behaviour, continues .... so exhausting :/
No, it’s ALL about validation with the narcissist because it’s easy to manipulate a partner that way. In the beginning of the relationship, validation is heaped on the victim. The love bombed partner thinks they have found the love of their life. Months go by, love deepens and blossoms, vacations, affection and attention is unprecedented. The partner victim is deeply in love, their head is swimming in a sea of optimism. The victim has unknowingly stepped on a rug of lies, and the narc has been holding back for the right opportunity to yank it out from under the them. This usually comes in the form of a truly psychotic anger meltdown, directed at the partner. This is the opposite of validation, it’s devaluation. And, they get away with it, because the partner thinks this was so out of character for this person, it has to be a one-off type of behavior. This one-off behavior starts to repeat itself, once a month, once every three weeks, until it’s a regular thing. In between, the validation is still given out, not like before, but close to normal.
This is called, "intermittent reinforcement." This action is used by evil manipulative people to control anyone. It can turn any human, (or animal), into a zombie, like a controlled robot. The victim, will always remember, and be controlled by, the initializing validation they received.
Breaking out of the cycle is very difficult. As a human you need objective validation from other people, (sources), telling you what is taking place, the entire dynamic. This, won’t stop, the longing for the initial validating love bombing, but at least you will be physically away from the malignant abuser, and begin to heal. The abuser, only wants to hurt you and devalue you, and then observe your reaction. Your pain, makes them feel good.
Well stated....totally mirrors what I went through.
I suspect that, during the "love-bombing" phase, the narcissist is projecting an expectation of the reciprocal hope that you describe in the target. Later, when some of their unrealistic expectations of slavish devotion and obedience have been disappointed, narcissists turn nasty to varying degrees. They are black/white individuals who blame others rather than taking any personal responsibility. They never learn. They never achieve emotional maturity.
Very true
Did you experience this or have some other way to make the observation?
It was me, proud to say. Five years ago, I walked out that door. (No more Mr. nice guy.) Validation is like currency to them and they use it by withholding it to manipulate you.@@killjoyredux8361
I mentioned to my nar mil that she seemed depressed and that we were concerned her. This was before I knew that she was a narcissist. I couldn't believe the reaction I got from her. She went off. I went no contact, but other people are beginning to see how she is. Her own sister told her she needed to get help and she screaned at her. I was her punching bag so nobody else saw it. I have lived with over a decade of her nastiness before I figured out what was going on. I felt like I was going crazy. You need to get as far away from these people as possible. They will not change.
Amazing! I overheard my mil instructing my wife to confront me! After two days I mentioned to her, just with concern, no complaining, no judgeships… from that day my life have changed: I discovered my wife is also a narcissistic, and they have a co dependency so I’m facing divorce.
Thank you for another great video. The idea of collusion is new to me, but when I heard it here it makes sense. They don’t want to just get others to think badly of you - it is ongoing and doesn’t end and to keep it that way there would have to be collusion. It would give them validation and hurt the victim. A win win for them.
Omigracious it is so true, no sense of humor at ALL!!!
They take insult at anything...I picked up the yard for my Narc boss and he got offended. He huffed he just had too much to do. He was seriously not happy about it 🤐
Darren, thanks for your series. I've been subscribed and have been watching them for a year now. One trait that merits mentioning is that in the cases of employers, especially my previous one who has won multiple awards for her community service, there can develop the tendency to exert the ultimate control of firing people who don't talk the talk. There's the added layer of inflicting the maximum amount of damage onto someone for not recognizing their greatness, but only their emptiness, as you have rightly labeled it. PS: I sued and won my case of wrongful termination against her simply by keeping good documentation that she could not refute in front of a judge.
Hearing your point about collusion was a lightbulb moment for me. Explains so much about the abuse I went through from my mother in law.
A narc mother in law is the worst. I feel for you. I went no contact with mine and now she is smearing me to her friends and family. She's always the victim. These people will try to destroy you if they don't get their way. The answer "no" is something they refuse to hear.
I’m sorry you’re going through that too!!! It really does suck. I went low contact grey rock with mine a few years ago and she tries really hard to paint me as this mentally ill unstable person who is filled with hate. So frustrating.
When I first met the petulant one, I didn’t have a Facebook and didn’t want a Facebook. After insisting, I got one. I had not remembered this in almost 10 years until just now. It dawned on me just now that it was one of the first things in a long series of constantly needing to be validated and admired as he really just wanted to have a partner linked publicly.
I so appreciate your knowledge & content. It's helped me so much that I've started to plug you in everytime I see a lost devastated soul who can really benefit from your knowledge 😊
Excellent observations....so accurate as to what my narc ex is like. So fragile but she was so abusive.
"It's never enough." This explains why, despite how far I went, which was actually too far, it wasn't enough.
You can be tricked by them, but over time, you’ll see. They don’t have the energy to really care when things are tough.
Relentless is the perfect word, Darren. 😒 So exhausting having to deal with that.
Great video. I've experienced this big time ....
I was in a situation where I was always complaining and didn't understand wth was going on. I would complain about the incessant talking, the child like 2 year old behavior seeking attention, the one up crap ... after I left - I said 'Holy crap! I was complaining about NPD!' Surprise! 😱
Most people can’t go 24 hours without a “like” 😂😂😂
I love how you correctly explain these behaviors. Easy to understand and therefore easy to recognize. Thank you.
Because validating others means validating themselves, and they don't want to feel their feelings and admit that they have no control: it's too much for them
Collusion...a better word, more descriptive than validation.
Well said!
@@heathermcalpine802 😆
Attention ADDICTS.
@@LittleStarr128 Filling an UN-fillable hole is always tiring.
Excellent info, thank you.
I've been away healing and making a new life for myself. I've had it all and seen it all from my husband I have seen the black eyes. I was snared at 14 years old he was 16 years old. In a lot of ways I was his puppet he was hiding behind me. Early years of marriage he couldn't hold down a job. His boss was always to blame. I was in a professional job then. Then I was brought down by multiple pregnancy. Evil. Then I was vulnerable. I Was isolated from family and friends. Very sad I can see it all now. Years of being miserable.
My ex has no sense of humor I was the one who made him laugh but on the other hand I will see myself begging for his attention. Never again and you can smell their negative energy pouring out of them. Misery loves company very true saying.
If I hadn’t seen the title, I would have assumed it was “Understanding Donald Trump.”
This one is so important , constantly see myself doing that and asking for validation from my loved ones even after leaving the relationship , convincing myself that I wasn't crazy or wanting people to believe me, understand , validate me when I get triggered or get angry .it gets tiring for me and my support network. When will I reach the contentment of indifference .😢cannot see this live but I'm sure will have questions . Can we post them later and will they still be answered as possible ?
I can only really discuss general topics in videos, but all of us need to feel validated on some level
Why would someone desire indifference? There is no pain, but neither joy. I believe experiencing emotions is all the work and is not an easy one. Take care of yourself and be kind and patient. Bless you!
just contributing my lived experience as someone raised by a narcissistic parent who inherited some of my parents' traits and had to work through them - the goal isn't indifference, it's self-sufficiency.
darren mentions a "fleeting sense of value" coming from validation from loved ones. for me, that fleeting sense of value felt like a band-aid that felt good for a second but would be ripped off the second i was alone, leading me to seek reassurance again and again to the detriment of my relationships. the sense of value I got from validation wasn't long-lasting, stable or reliable. through years of therapy I came to realize that the only thing that could be a rock for me in this world was knowledge of who i am and i had to nurture that sense of self. i felt alone because i didn't know myself, couldn't trust myself. this is not to say that we can never seek validation from loved ones - more that the goal of sharing things with loved ones transforms from a need to be "fed" and instead becomes a way to be "seen." I just need my friends to see me and what's going on in my life and say "damn, that sucks", maybe offer some ideas - everything beyond that is on me. it is on me to manage my emotions in a healthy way (engage with them and hear what they are telling me instead of impulsively reacting and trying to quiet them down with validation), come up with solutions, and bring to therapy what I can't handle myself.
i challenge you with a question: what do YOU need to believe yourself when things feel shaky and uncertain? for me, it was healing childhood abuse through EMDR - i learned to trust my own perception, my own feelings, my own experiences after a lifetime of being manipulated. i needed to know that i could trust me. in order to do that, i needed tools to help me discern fact from fiction, or the facts of what happened vs. how my feelings informed me. i became my own fact--checker. what do you need to trust yourself? best of luck
@kincobramusic2318 I think I understand what you are saying, but no one has answers for you but yourself. One thing is for sure, you are not alone.Too many people have had bad childhood experiences, unfortunately. Is up to you how you process your experience and what you make of it, is yours only. Life is a journey, and we are trying to make the best of it. Sometimes we walk alone, sometimes we are accompanied by friends and sometimes by trolls, I make my monsters my best teachers, no one teaches you the dark side of the world and how to walk in the darkness better than they do. I choose to learn, we come here on Earth to learn, life is a school and for many is much shorter and maybe, uglier than yours..Wish you the best! Enjoy as much as you can beautiful moments that come , look for them, and learn how to see them and be grateful for whatever brings you joy !
@@ginaiosef1634 I take it what's meant is indifference towards manipulation and abuse, which is absolutely good. Because they don't deserve to be taken seriously. It puts one beyond the abuser's, or any abuser's, reach. Such selective indifference is definitely a worthwhile goal.
I'm so tired
Can narcissist be vulnerable?
Yes they can but they are no less dangerous. If they are going down they will take everybody with them.
Ok,I have had a friend,a supposed friend who fits this purpose to a tee They do seek many friends,brag how many,brag how many sexual relationships,constant company,phrases indicating abnormal behaviour They also will intimidate one to get closer to another person They give you things,lie alot,seek attention in weird ways
They annoy,reduce you,belittle you,say things to other people about you in your presense,the list is manipulative behaviour,very sneaky covert type,drop into depression easily,seek approval,seek sympathy constantly,very lazy,do nothing for themselves,seek to follow your user names to spy,
Does narcissist want other people to defend the real or the fake narcissist's persona?
Since they hide their real persona, that would mean defending the fake persona.
But that does not make sense. It that case people would be defending narcissist's fake persona, which even narcissist does not believe that it exists.
How is that a favor to a narcissist?
Their “real” persona was abandoned for survival purposes due to childhood trauma. As adults, they are not hiding their real persona, they do not have a real persona.
Narcissism moved in when their real persona moved out. They don’t want you to see the emptiness so they attempt to manipulate you into perceiving them opposite of what they really are.
@@DrPhilGoode I understand.
Their fake persona has become their real persona, or at least something they want other people to think is their real persona.
im convinced narcissism is a primitive survival strategy aka youth so before you go judging remember u were young once too
From what I can tell, he is referring to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). We all have a level of narcissism in us but NPD is not the same as that.
Im having a hard time understanding validation and invalidation because with a narc having a endless need for it, its like what the hell do you do or say to validate them without playing delusional to your own reality?? Its so confusing because narcs seem to feel invalidated regardless of what you do or say and it leaves you feeling like all i wanted to do was help and it backfired. You say everything will be ok they'll say no it wont. How the hell do you validate a narc without exhausting yourself??