DARVO: A Narcissist's Not So Secret Weapon
Вставка
- Опубліковано 29 кві 2024
- DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim Offender. It is a term first coined by Psychologist Jennifer Freyd in the 1990's.
A common tactic of narcissists, it refers to a form of manipulation which is aimed at shifting the focus from any wrong doing, to avoid any consequences, and attacking the victim in ways that allows them to switch roles. So the aggressor become the victim, the victim the aggressor.
This video outlines how it works, common tactics such as gaslighting, reactive abuse and toxic amnesia, as well as some common phrases to look out for. Also looking at why it seems to work for narcissistic people and the long term affects it can have on their victims.
00:00 Intro
01:13 DARVO
02:12 Denial
04:48 Attack
06:52 Role Reversal
08:31 The affect on victims
How to handle the DARVO method • How to Handle the DARV...
If you need support for being abused there are some helpful links below.
mensallianceni.co.uk/
belfastwomensaid.org.uk/
www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-...
jreidtherapy.com/narcissistic...
Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos in the comment section.
If you found this video interesting please consider supporting me on Patreon
/ dfmagee
#DARVO #narcissisticabuseawareness #narcissism
Please feel free to suggest any topics you might me to cover in future videos.
How to heal and not think about it anymore
@Lubna Tabassum I'm working on that one now as well, would appreciate Darren Magee's take on it too
Darren please do a video about narc siblings, it is a particular subject not much alluded to, but is a special kind of crazy-making stuff.
@Amanda Roberts I agree. A close family of siblings for 75 years torn assunder by one sibling who has converted two flying monkeys. The grief caused is unimaginable. I have managed to distance myself but not everyone can.
What you said at the end, please, whenever you feel like it (no pressure), show us how to deal with and/or defend ourselves from that DARVO method. Now that I know what it is, I see how much I've been encountering it, and also what effect it had on me (hypervigilance, for instance).
The Narcissist's Prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
~ Dayna Craig
Yep thank you putting in writing!
pure gold!
This discribes exactly what I've lived for many years. I thought I would go insane.
LMAO nailed it
Soooo true
The best strategy which I use with the narcisist is summarised by the actonym DEEP - which was invented by dr Ramani and it standards for 4 Don’t 1 don’t Defend2 don’t Engage 3.don’t Explain 4. Don’t Personalise. And I think that the greatest trick that devils has played on people nas is that he has convinced everybody that he is the good guy. Thank you Darren for your great help and support.
Thanks for going into this narcissistic series of manipulations. I was subjected to this my entire life by my.mother. it was devastating. She frequently capped this sequence off by declaring "You're mentally ill !!!"
I am sorry but I told him today his technique is called DARVO..... It came as a shock to the narc as he thought HE is unique and very clever.... They hate the truth and I am giving him that, respectfully...
ThankYOU for sharing❤
@@elanakriek7135 😂
I even spell this out to her (C.N. STBX) : "I don't owe you any explanation. If you don't like what I'm saying, then that's your problem, just deal with it".
"Once you recognize the pattern, you can't un-see it." - this is profound. After learning about narcissism and spending a couple years basically in isolation mending myself, then going to work at a large company it's as if the narcissistic ones have a flashing red light on their forehead.
I wish everyone could see it.
My mom is one. The fact that she's almost 70 and has at least 30 different temporary hair coloring sprays is a hint. They really love to dress up and stand out. I can usually spot them based on physical appearance alone. I've learned that plain looking folks who wear neutral colors are usually safer.
@chelseascott5872 Growing up, I've always been told to never judge a book by its cover. (I can't help but think that was initiated by a highly narcissistic person BTW.) But, if you are to protect yourself, you must. I try to keep an open mind, but now my first impressions of new people turn out to be true.
My mother also is in her 70's. And, she is worse now than ever. I broke my forearm completely in two when I was a kid, and she had to shower and do her hair before she would take me to the E.R. for treatment. Meanwhile, I was totally covered in dusty dirt from the accident. Her father scolded her for it, and she went off on him telling him she looked like hell and wasn't about to go out in public looking the way she did.
So, yes, they are totally concerned with their looks and drawing attention to themselves.
"We're living in a generation of educated narcissist at the moment." So well said, Darren. This makes it even harder for victims, their support groups, and for professionals. Thank you for your channel!
Education is the key. Society learned what is schizophrenia, borderline, anorexia. Lets keep spreading the word.
So true..I had to stop trying to help my oldest son when he was young..7-8 years old ..I took him to a therapist and went through the whole IEP for his schooling and realized he wasn’t getting better at all…,it was actually helping him learn how to manipulate the system and me even more efficiently…he enjoyed watching me get treated like an abusive neglectful parent when he was absorbing every bit of time and energy I had with trying to help him improve. He found out that he didn’t have to do any homework if he was afraid of his abusive mother and terrified to go home with homework..the stupid thing is..the schools didn’t understand what he was doing until he was in 10th grade and the school counselor who had also been a junior high teacher for years and military veteran before he became a psychologist,..took my son aside and asked him some specific questions after meeting me one time…im not very big..’5’ tall petite and quiet…so I didn’t fit the profile he was drawing for me….I finally had my family make a comment about what my son was saying…that I’m extremely abusive…he failed to mention he was throwing me around like a rag doll more often then before and thought if he got rid of me he could go live with his dad who didn’t want anything to do with him until now..now they’re great friends…so much so he’s cut me and his little brother out of his and my grandsons lives completely and unexpectedly…but this counselor saw right through my sons little game he got away with for 10 grades so far! The amount of pain and suffering that child caused me and my youngest son is sickening…it’s hard not to absolutely hate him and love him at the same time…I love him so much and it’s not good enough..I’m blamed for everything and his dad is idolized but is what caused so much of our suffering..financially…emotionally, his rep has kept us from being able to rent anywhere….his dad was convicted of committing 64 felony burglaries and sat in prison for 5 years …his dad has stolen my sons stimulus checks and my son blames me for it..what the hell!? I’m mourning the death of a son I didn’t even know
We are, but when I said that in a comment awhile back, I got attacked big time.
@@w8what575 my heart goes out to you. people have immediate sympathy for a person who says "my mom is a narcissist", but when a mom says that her child is a narcissist, she gets dubious silence at best. i know your pain, and i see you.
Denial. My covert narc husband would make subtle belittling, shaming comments. When I would bring it to his attention, he would always say, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I was just kidding." My perception or feelings were always the problem. Not his actions. Then one day, he said, " I didn't mean to," and I responded, "That's even worse. If it wasn't intentional, then belittling comes natural to you, and it's just who you are as a person." He got mad and walked off. But the belittling decreased dramatically after that. I left him less than two weeks ago after 10 years of marriage. Filing for divorce in the next week.
I hope you did leave.
@@rosieb471 Yes. I left. Still gone. It's been 3 months of no contact.
My mother to a tee!
And, people are so gullible. She didn’t have to abuse me herself, she convinced enough flying monkeys to be my persecutors. It left me trusting no one.
I have the same problems with my family.
Same here. Am proudly NO CONTACT with my 3 EX-siblings for years nowadays at 50
Would love more strategies for dealing with this. When I first encountered this behaviour I admit being so frustrated and confused that I lashed out in anger, which only feeds their victimhood. Once I learned more about narcissism I realized that the best defense is NOT a good offense in this case. Now it's about remaining calm, reasonable, but FIRM in my boundary setting or in what I know to be the reality. Now I will not let someone else distort MY thinking. I'm a logical, thoughtful person - if someone wants to cry victim, freak out, run out of the room, call me a baddie, and gaslight me, that's fine, but I stick to the truth, always. Know thyself.
Yes. I can't speak for everyone, but before I knew what narcissistic abuse was , I engaged in lashing out also. Took me awhile, but I no longer lash out. I just leave and go to my safe place.
@@choosepeacetoday Yes, being angry (the reactio) is what is wanted. And there will be no rational discussion
@@rudy2360 Exactly. A waste of energy.
Yes definitely - strategies to manage DARVO would be greatly appreciated
@Darren F Magee plz plz plz make a tactics video 🙏 Dealing with Darvo is basically my daily life and I think it has been for my wholeeee life! Plight of the scapegoat I guess, sigh... It's freakin exhausting! lol 💙
@yumnom2192 Hi there I made one already, you’ll find it on my channel. Hope you find it helpful
@@DarrenFMagee aw heck yea! Tysm!! 💙💙 and thanks for replying also! - Hope I'm not being greedy by asking another question lol, but, are you still open to video ideas? I currently live with some "Nice guy narcissist" which I would love to see you cover more in-depth, but that's a different kind of worms.
Mainly, I have a lot of trouble finding anything on sibling emotional abuse (belittlement, humiliation, control etc - with basically no intervention or checking in by parents) and ways to deal with the aftermath of being conditioned since birth from something like that. Especially along with narcissistic parent(s?) and an emotionally neglectful upbringing...
But anyway, thank you again! And also for taking the time to read (even if nothing comes of it lol). You the best! I really love your vids, you break things down perfectly and cover all the different angles which I appreciate SO much. A range in possible perspectives is hard to find our here, so, thanks for being here on the youtubes 💙
@@DarrenFMagee thank you, my life is been destroyed by the family.
I've lived through this... Narc - "You cheated on me with girl X, eight years ago." Me- "What are you talking about?!?!" Narc- " This happened and that happened and you can't convince me that you didn't do it." Me- "You're nuts! I don't know about or remember anything you are talking about." Narc- "Don't you dare try to gaslight me. This is a perfect example of what a narcissist would do." What the heck can you do about this, other than just walk away and not bother defending yourself... and then when you don't defend yourself, the Narc tells you that she new she was right all along." It's a game you can't win.
We never win, until we do: we walk away from that creature. The good bye is the check mate.
If someone tells you there's nothing you can say or do to change their mind, believe them. The question I ask myself when confronted with an unreasonable person is: What do they actually want?
Chances are, it's just to dump negative emotions somewhere.
Winning, when it comes to unreasonable people, is just not playing their game.
They're adults. Real adults don't play childish games.
Cheers.
@@MaryDunford I think now that she was accusing me to make herself feel better or justified. She was having an affair... A week after I moved away, a picture showed up of her and another guy in a mutual friends Facebook page.
I was the narcissistic victim for 40 years and didn't know it. It's been 2 years since I left, but the smear campaign against me was was a success. I would appreciate you discussing how a victim can regain the support of friends and family, especially adult children.
This is the same for me. Time frame and everything. The smear campaign was also successful and I still live in constant fear. I had to right off those relationships. My only hope with children is waiting for them to grow up and make decisions of their own. You still can't defend yourself and can only pray that people will see your true self versus the one they were told.
Same here and I'm still in shock, terrified no one will believe me. Actually, people do seem to believe me but I'm afraid that any day now they'll listen to my abusers and change their minds. If that happens I won't be able to sustain myself any longer. I can't live in a world over-run by sadistic bullies.
I'm the same.
This happened to me 5 years ago. If you lost their support, you never had it in the beginning. What you learn in life is that most people don’t think about you as deeply as you think about them. When the narcissist starts smearing you, most people tune out & go about their lives - they don’t want to get involved or piss off the narc. In time, the narc exposes themselves & the crowd leaves them too. Those who stay with you no matter what has been said about you are golden. Cherish them and forget the rest.
First of all, if someone gives you a sick, heavy feeling in the pit ot your stomach, never be alone with them, even if you don't have a concrete reason, listen to your gut. Your subconscious picks up on things your conscious mind doesn't and when loved one really hurt you, you can repress memories. Believe me l know.
Another thing is to get a good home security system with cameras.
And of course, work on your own recovery and get whatever therapy you can afford. Videos like this are a big help. My husband also liked it and is very much looking forward to your sequel on dealing with DARVO.
YES. Especially gut feeling.
I had that feeling every time I heard my ex fiancé’s keys go into the lock.
Knowledge of DARVO was pivotal in confirming to me that I really was experiencing abuse. It was the first solid evidence I could hang onto to help me find a way out of my breakdown.
The control and abuse was very subtle in my relationship which made it harder to identify. Thank you to those that have shared UA-cam videos on this important subject, I don't think it is mentioned enough.
I must say that your experience is identical to mine .This information is so very valuable . It is my hope that Mr. Magee will follow up this important video with another detailing how one might manage these tactics used by a mate until one is able to leave and have no further contact .
Same here! Mine was so subtle that I put up with it again and again for many years. People would tell me that he is a great guy and that he is not the problem. That I was being overly critical and overly sensitive. I am working on getting out now but I would love to hear from Mr. Magee about how to deal with this situation in the future.
The worst is that it will also be just as futile to call the narc out on DARVO, because the narc obviously will DARVO about DARVO as well as about whatever it was in the first place.
Which is of course why we need to learn about how to manage DARVO in the best possible ways.
ignore the narcissist and act as if everybody already know he is guilty. don't negotiate. judge and condemn all by yourself. and everyone who says you are being rude, cut them off. don't negotiate. he will understand VERY FAST that he has lost all power on you.
@@dianemoril7612 Indeed the hardest part is the triangulation, like if it involves all extended family, or pretty much all. In my most recent own case, at least the lawyer Mom entrusted her Will to is not on my sister's side; he instead confirms she is in the wrong in many ways, but I can't much tell the rest of folks to listen to him instead of her, nor to clinical psychologists against their assumptions about me vs. sister as well as Mom. They sure think lecturing me, preaching about family feeling and coercively harassing me to "not be resentful, angry and grudging" is necessary but of course its them who lack the competence to get the family dynamic straight, nor even the Will and law.
So I've just been greyrocking...
@@dianemoril7612 spot ON 👊🏻🏆
I find that giving them information about narcissism will hurt me later during another incident. The less educated they are, the better it is for me.
Thank you for this video ,Darren
Very much appreciated
It's funny how narcissists may bring up the past but when you do it, it's "that was in the past"🤯.The rules for us don't apply to them
Uhm... Ehem... Rules? Like, what the F are they?
Yep s😮 OMG spot on 😅
These people are shameful
And I unfortunately love My abuser 😭
This was my mother's favorite tactic against me, I just didn't know there was a name for it.
❤️
This is what my brother did to me all my life and my mom went along with it. I also just now learned it has a name.
Narcs have their same bag of tricks. I like to tell them "You're just repeating yourself again." This lets them know you've already heard it, been over it, and its not something that is going to further their argument. And while rebutting them in any way is still providing them supply, it can sometimes help because you just shut them down evertime they use a tactic. Dont try to explain yourself or validate or argue. Instead, just call them out for each thing they say. It makes them feel like no punches are landing, which drives them nuts.
This is a really awful tactic and I’ve experienced it many times from my mother. It makes me feel uncertain what is the reality. Then this same person says in some occasions: I love you.
Thus is really crazy making and also, it makes everyone around a narcissist, really. When you defend yourself you do and say all those things too: I did not say so (because you really did not) etc.
I have no advice about this. This is absolutely one of the most awful treatments that I have got. Now the only relief is, thanks to UA-cam, that I know that I am not alone. That this kind of things really happen. It was not my ”imagination”.
So true! My childhood experience with my Narcissistic mother who would deny her previous behavior and accuse me of being crazy.
I have whatched to this video three times in a row. It desceibes exactly what I have been through and the efects in my life. I'm feeling very validated only to see this discribed and nominated here. Thank you very much, Darren 🌻🌻🌻
I feel the same way.
I feel the same too
Same here. Watched it 4 times, it was such a good description of how they operate.
Victim-blaming is a horrible part of our society. I honestly don't know how these kind of people sleep at night. It's like if a woman gets raped and people are like what was she wearing was she wearing a short skirt.?.
The sleep of the self-righteous is their bliss
Back in the 1980s M Scott Peck wrote about human evil. It exists. It dies in daylight
I think the only real difference between narcissists and not narcissists is maturity. Narcissism is inherently being childish. Anything a child does to avoid blame or responsibility is what a narcissist would also do, just more refined, adult version. It makes all of this so sad, because at some point you realize what kind of world this narcissist must be living in. To top it off, we humans think others are like us: so the narcissist thinks everyone else is like him.
This tendency is what also prevents the narcissist from ever growing up in a serious manner. Their development has in some way been arrested and they are thus stuck in a loop. This loop might break for some very, very tiny minority of narcissists, but most will forever be stuck their entire lives playing these childish games because they think everyone else is too, leading to their chronic lack of peace of mind and constant vigilance and defensiveness. What a hell to be living in, and to be so unaware to perhaps never truly wake up to the mature realization that we're all faulty, growth happens through the acknowledgement of mistakes, and true love requires respect.
What else but pity could you feel for someone who ultimately fails to mature, to grow, and ultimately, to love.
My own so called mother called social 3/4 times on me. At the time I never knew it was her, but then she’d be the hero who was there to comfort me. I now have a restraining order against her
Wow.
I absolutely can not
Sums it up perfectly. It's like being a prisoner, mentally and physically. There's no clear way out without pain and destruction as a consequence, so you stay around only to avoid the painful scenarios that will play out afterwards.
what saved me a lot is that I have no social shame, no social media, no fear of being abandoned. so it was almost impossible to threat me. he tried and badmouthed me a lot to our shared friends. the problem is, I voluntarily stopped any relationship with them. I understood that I could only keep my personal friends, those who did just talk to him because he was with me. all the other ones never even call me after the break up. I only then realized how isolated I was when I was his "thing".
I am very happy with that because #1 that's their double loss: they lost me (a very good and reliable friend) and they kept him, a narcissist. good luck with that! and #2, universe doesn't like void... it tends to fill it. if you need new friends, cut off old ones. and that's what I want. now that I know how to recognize a narcissist, it's game on for me! and I will win every time!
ThankYOU for sharing❤ #2🏆🎯 🎉
Good for you Diane. Very brave
And then, the 3rd greatest trick is claiming, after their divine, non-existent victim hood, is being the savior of the suffering caused by the first 2 tricks.
Yes I don't know how they gather the flying monkeys and the flying monkeys fall for it 🤷
@@taraarrington2285 The flying monkeys are no better than the main narc,in fact they ARE narcs or on the spectrum.Not nice people and best to be kept away from.Many are incredibly stupid and bullies themselves.
It's fantastic to learn about this. As soon as I learnt it I had to call my highly narcissistic mother and she started another one of her narcissistic arguments which would always leave me feeling very confused.
This time I immediately recognised it as being DARVO and was thrilled that I can now see the evil intent in some peoples conversations.
My husband has now left and life is a lot more tranquil in his absence. One thing I did learn from the school of hard knocks was this. When his actions really upset me I had to make sure I didn’t let is show. It certainly wasn’t easy but when I eventually figured out my tears and hurt was supply food that strategy became easier to execute. When I also stopped fighting my corner and trying to justify myself that helped too. If he said I had two heads I would just have said, “Well you’re entitled to your opinion”. Initially that would caused an angry scene but it died a death when it was given no supply.
The narc I knew (vulnerable/covert)'s use of DARVO was hard to spot initially, because for the Attack part they would attack mutual acquaintances/friends and blame them for the bad thing, that I should be upset at that other person. It was only by comparing notes with these other accused friends that we were able to spot the narc's lies and stop associating with them. They also used the confusion method (toxic amnesia) as their main form of denial, utilizing stress/mental health/work as the culprit for their lack of memory, even though the people they were accusing all had stressful work, mental health problems, or memory issues themselves! The narc was just using other people's struggles as a ploy to gain sympathy and avoid accountability.
Wow! Those last two quotes...thank you. That helped me to acknowledge what I know deep down, this is not a good guy. Thank you again! And yes, please make a video how to respond. I have found no response is better than being drug into a death spiral of trying to get a narcissist to understand...utterly fruitless! Thank you so much for your channel!!!
Fruitless and pointless! Unless one enjoys feeling insane. I finally got away. I thought that I was the main problem, but I realize just how deep I got myself into it with my own denial of their bad behavior. I enabled the behavior out of fear. Made me very sick. Glad to be free now.
There's no possible response at all, because the narcissists think they are always right. This mean that YOU will be ALWAYS wrong
Zero engagement. They aren't wrong by accident. They're wrong on purpose.
I believe that I understood DARVO when I was with my narcissistic ex-wife. When confronted, her defence mechanism was : 1) Turn the problem around on me, blame me. 2) Reinterpreted the story 3)Playing the victim, I'm the aggressor now.
This is Right on. And very damaging to the victim. Attacking the other person's character is a key trait.
I've gone no-contact with my mom, and now, suddenly, there is DARVO all over the place. I think I used to go into blaming myself, apologizing for things I didn't do and throwing myself into their mercy before, and now that I don't anymore, they are going into full-blown DARVO mode.
The one thing I've learned is don't engage. They feed on that.
May the narcissist's flying monkeys be damned right along with them.
100% spot on! This happened to me over and over for decades and the fallout to self is very accurate. Fear of speaking to others. trust issues and almost total isolation. I can add one other thing it may lead some to do as I did it myself and
have a hard time breaking this habit. I always feel I need proof of things I say or do whether it is notes, receipts, pictures etc. To be told you are wrong so often while your memory opposes that is horrible. Darren, would you consider talking about what this does in a relationship to the kids who have witnessed this behavior over and over? One more thing: I love the way you do your videos, an explanation of what the topic is, examples, results etc. very well done. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. I have some "psychic scars" too. I wish some day we could be completely recovered 🪷
Ana - I too wish one day we could fully heal but right now (at least for me) it feels like the best I will be able to achieve us acceptance. It is hard enough to grieve the whole life you list; the dream I had of making a better family life for my kids, but to lose the dream of just having healthy relationships with your children and grandchildren is something that is hard not to hope for. I sometimes feel this loss is worse than someone dying; at least then there is no hope of things changing. It is still painful and there is still grief but losing loved ones who are still here is something else and it does not help that no one understands. Sending you hugs❤️
Please explain how to counteract the DARVO approach ,Darren that would be very helpful
every strength is a weakness
every weakness is a strength
What do you do when narcissistic people throw DARVO at the target/real victim? The target of the narc will try to tell others that what the narc is saying is lies and a smear campaign and then the narc or narcs spread that the target is the one that's the narcissist and is DARVOing them!? I mean, it is so difficult when narcissits know how to throw around these terms just to hurt the target.
What can I say... Recently, I've been trying to expose the lies someone has been saying about someone else - yes, it wasn't me who's been directly involved, but I'm trying to enlighten people that they have been manipulated - not too much success though; it's indeed easier to deceive people than convince them that they've been deceived.
How much did I succeed in this (convincing people that they have been lied to)? Some were willing to listen to the arguments I presented, but most believes that they were told the truth, while they weren't. And those who did the lying, are really taking advantage of people's ignorance and naiveness - that's why I think they are successful at it.
Don't know how much of it is related to DARVO, but I can see at least some elements in the example I just described. Lies can be an incredibly harmful weapon when used for the purpose of blackening someone.
Yes please, a video on how to handle DARVO would be appreciated 👍
I got accused of cheating, having mental problems, a brain tumour, hormonal imnbalance... everything to deflect that he in fact was the problem. Im sure all the neighbours think I was cheating on him. He pretty much told any one who would listen.
Fantastic video, again. I'd never heard of DARVO but it is certainly what my mother has been doing lately. So grateful that I've reached the stage where I can just laugh to myself over her ridiculousness. Your videos have been such a great help to me reaching that stage at last.
The only way I have found to deal with DARVO is to mark those who choose to believe the abuser as I walk away. I don't engage because it becomes a vicious circle.
I accept the fall out and let time and distance tell the truth for me.
I'm long gone and months or years later they are still committing DARVO.
What sucks about what you're saying to is like you don't know how long this smear campaign has reached or who all the flying monkeys are so then people are like oh you have trust issues and it's like I didn't used to until this massive smear campaign and abused by proxy through the flying monkeys
@@taraarrington2285 Yes HUGS
Thats why its so important to walk away from it all. Those who are flying monkey surveillance will out themselves. as will the vultures and sharks who smell blood. Truly the DARVO sinking your ship did you a huge favor by scattering the hidden rats in your life. Once you understand what they look like and how they operate. you can begin to trust again.....because you can trust YOU to make better choices.
@@jodyayers4592 yes they really are psychic vampires when I get away from these people my intuition get so clear
Yes, you are right! I am learning to mark those who didn't understand me when I suffered abuse. The reason is simple: they don't recognize the abuse because they see things as an abuser does! It's insane how many people normalized the absurd.
It’s crazy because most people choose to believe the abuser and see the victim as the “problematic” person in the manufactured drama. But there’s really nothing that can be done about it so you just have to accept it and walk away from all of them.
I endured all of these ploys for years. What I don't really understand is where the skill in these techniques of dishonesty, denial and deflection of blame come from. And why would a person choose to sabotage relationships and intimacy in this way?
I’ve wondered the same, how they all have exactly the same pattern of behaviour like they all read the same instruction manual!
The only thing I keep coming back to is it’s got to be spiritual and they genuinely are controlled by the dark side.
Another excellent video. Thank you for sharing your wisdom on this subject. I ended a 35 year relationship with person who perfected this method. Used every trick in the book to get me to back down from talking to him about his cheating behavior... Denial, I'm making things up, I'm an alcoholic and an angry person, invalidating my experience, I'm ultra sensitive/over reacts, claiming to not understand what I was talking about. He told me that I was assassinating his character and he would never talk bad about me to others to make himself look better like I was doing to him. It's crazy making. I stopped bringing things up for years. I'm three years out from ending it and I'm still recovering. This video helps to make things clear about what happened in my frustrating interactions with him.
With people like this you need to go no contact. I am there with my narc mil and will stay there. They will destroy your self esteem and kill love between you and you significant other.
yes please elaborate the how to deal with it. I married a very ruthless narc. I ran after less than a year married. I watched those tactics used against me, and he never owned any bad behavior. I am now wading through the divorce. yes I am concerned for my safety in the future. vengeful in his phony victimhood. the DARVO is very distressing and has taken a toll on my heath. I walk forward inspite of threats, rages and slander. there is no going back. thank you for all you give.
One of the most common phrases of the narcissist is: "I don't remember."
I've noticed this even when discussing a fairly trivial thing, not in any way accusatory ...
There's no point in arguing and my silent response now is always 'Your amnesia does not cancel my recall!'
I was aware of the basics of darvo but your video explained it on a deeper level. I appreciate the qote by Ken Ammi, pairing possible spiritual perspectives on narcisism or the ethics philosophy of “evil”, with an academic psychology (learning to self-protect and better oneself after years of experiencing narcissism in the familial unit and in relationships, I believe this unique confluence of perspectives provides potential for healing, even for an atheist like myself.
Darren, you are reading my mail. My own bio family did this, my husband and his ex wife, his son and his family did this…we are being punished and have never seen his great grandson. Very hard but listening to this podcast does give me wisdom and peace. absolutely spot on with the quote about the devil. Keep up the good work Darren .
Yes. Went through this for 30 years and he never accepted responsibility and blamed everyone and me. I left with absolutely nothing, destitute, and rebuilding my life. He ruined my life and when I left, he claimed to our children, "I left the family" and told our friends I went crazy. Yes, he has a great education but what made his situation worst is that he was born and raised on a Caribbean in the ruling white class and this solidified his superiority complex. He was a grandiose narcissist with reactive tendencies, poking at me to get a reaction and claiming I was crazy. I survived it all because I was having therapy at the same time, how else could I keep my sanity. The gaslighting and claiming I had a bad memory so he could always control the narrative. Also, the pathological lying, he believes his own lies and he is the victim. Thank for this video, building a new life one day at a time. I have decided to start a blog on transmuting pain into power and surviving a narcissist.
I'm listening your channel daily!
I feel armed with better behavior skills and getting confident to deal with specially people who have narcisstic and all kinds of manipulative type out there.
Thank you very much for your dedication. Your channel is essential for everyone!
It's classic denial and projection in an attempt confuse the target of abuse, and have enabler/flying monkeys go on the attack.
Excellent presentation as is your wont. Also appreciate the recent recommendation and dual presentation with Jay Reid. Hearing a male voice on these subjects is easier for me. Now for the cheek: Davros/DARVO, narcissistic protocol: Exterminate.
Yes please cover more about how to manage this, I didn’t know anything about this before but it is a tactic that has been used against me , thank you Darren
Oh my god, the toxic amnesia. It makes me feel sick 🤮 How coward, liars and sham they are! The lies of the narcissist os like quicksand. Get away before you are drowned on it.
That's a clever description.
Yes, please lay out some strategies to deal with DARVO.
This video has been so incredibly validating.
I've been out of an on and off again narcissistic relationship for two years now that ended in June 2021 shortly before my 22nd birthday for over two years now.
I recently learned about the DARVO method and my intial readings of it were incredibly validating, but your last part of the video just gave me another tool against my own deep denial of my abuse on my journey to complete acceptance.
Everything you said is what I experienced following the break up, he even sued me for slander and defamtion after I got a restraining order against him when I told him to stop emailing me.
I knew he was only trying to get his foot in the door, I was only protecting myself from him.
There's. So much more awful shit. Enough for a novel.
But thank you. So much. I know I will never fully heal but the pain will get easier to live with.
I want so bad to love again and be loved, but now I don't know what geniune love is, and I'm scared to try.
But maybe one day.
I agree once seen it can't be unseen. With knowledge there becomes an inbuilt radar. My Narc sibling is one of our mothers executors, and while I have been no contact, they are using the estate solicitor to accuse me of things that are not true. The first one I responded to via my solicitor as part of it was an accusation of theft(of non existent items) and what I did have was with her permission and knowledge. It was frivolous and down right childish. I do have a specialist i work with to get in front of the abuse effect. I can't be intimidated by them any more and if they persist with false accusations they are going to have to come up with hard core facts. Threats wont be enough.
Great lesson and so validating- thank you. Darren would you consider talking about the scapegoat child/adult of narcissistic parents sometime please? Thank you once again we are all very grateful for your videos.
Hi there I’ve made 2 videos on the scapegoat child and when they grow up if you’d find those helpful?
@@DarrenFMagee That’s great I’ll have a look for them. Thank you.
My mil lied, I confronted her and she first said she didn't, then she told me she had only had told my husband the lie (to get me to shut up), then finally said she lied and blamed the reason she had to lie was not to upset her mother. By the way this was not a lie, but lies over the course of years. Over the years when confronted she would also say "I didn't think it was that bad" or 'i never said that, or you took it the wrong way''. Thank you.
Once you see it you cant unsee it. 👹
Hi Darren, thank you for your service and insight. I'm stuck in a very abusive marriage with husband with pretty malignant npd. Two psychologists have given the diagnosis and have declined to see him as a client bcuz he's so manipulative. I can't leave for a couple of reasons but would appreciate ideas on how to survive. There's times it's gotten pretty frightening. Thanks.
What are the reasons? l have been there, get out, don't wait for things to get worse please.
Financial mostly
And thank you!
Mary, last night at the Oscars Lady Gaga said in her song intro that we may have to be our OWN hero, even if we are broken inside. Start thinking. Really thinking. Do you have any friends at all? An Aunt or Uncle? Think to yourself, if any of these people knew you were in trouble would they help you? Yes. Yes, they would. Get a lawyer skilled in divorce. A judge can grant you immediate support payments while you are separated and pending the divorce. Stop thinking how to stay and endure and survive, and start thinking how to live and start again. The place to get healthy is not from the heart of the sickness in the home. You must be out of that space to have any chance to heal. When this marriage dies you can begin to live.
@@TheQueensWish Great commentary and advice
“ Well you did the same thing “ No I I didn’t and were not talking about me we’re talking about you right now!
This is an excellent video, Darren. Thank you very much.
Once again Mr. Magee explains it clearly.
My late husband and I were in couples counseling and three other mental health professionals met him and within minutes identified him as a narcissist.
He had a way of convincing (or trying to) the person that he was the victim. I told myself never to try couples counseling with him but I tried it again and remembered that I already knew that he would do it again.
You are right ✅ The Narcissist abuse at work is extremely 😢 Thank you for your channel 🎉 God bless you 🙏❤
They are definitely disturbed people
Came into this victim after avoiding a situation like this at its early stages. Thanks for presenting this concept, I didn't know about it. All I can say is : hold tight into your personality, your values, your boundaries, your standards and, if possible, cut any means of contact with the person.
This is so spot on it’s scary.
I always say there are things I wish I could unsee and ungear.
Love the quotes at the end.
Thank you for explaining it so well and educating people about this!
This really opened my eyes
Darren, I Just want to say that this video is so perfect. It opened so many doors of perception for me 🤯
Edit: I corrected the errors of my text
Thank you for this information. It was exceedingly helpful. I would love if you would make a video soon on how to deal with DARVO!!!
Your examples were perfect. Thank you.
I have been going through this for 10 years. The first 5-6 years I had no idea what was going on but I knew something wasn't right. And these last few years I have just been living in fear, trying to protect my little boy, and being mindful of my emotions and feelings of self worth. I'm scared to stay, and even more scared to get out. I've stayed quiet out of fear when he told lies about me to everyone who would listen. I have no friends, am isolated from my family.
Oh wow, I can't believe how closely you describe the situation I've found myself in again and again. Absolutely spot on!
Thank you again forthwith helpful videos
Thank you for your videos, Darren...they help me a lot.❤
Blessings in abundance to you Darren. 🙏
YES, do an immediate vid on countering DARVO. PLEASE!
Thank you!... i have hundreds of hours in researching, trying to find answers and closure, and this is almost exactly what I'm living in right now !
My mom was a Batchelor Degree counselor, I didn’t stand a chance
That was brilliant!
Very helpful.
And yes, I'd like to see the follow up video on DARVO.
Can you discuss signs that the narcissist is becoming dangerous.
Thank you for this video. I found it very helpful. And accurate! Wow. Either this is extremely common, or I'm a magnet for this sort of behavior.
You have described my daughter Darren sadly I have had to cut her off
Thank you for explaining Darvo
Putin and his regime. have been using this for years, especially since the outbreak of the Ukrainian war in 2014.
It´s almost scary how pinpoint accurate he is with his example of what a Narcissist would say and how it develops 2:29
Yes, please, cover how to deal effectively with this behavior. Also, how to persuade others that the N is lying about me.
Hi I’ve just uploaded a video on that very topic. Hope you find it helpful
Wonderful video! Yes, please post more on how to end it. It has been over ten years of sabotage, lies about my character , harassment campaigns and on snd on bullshit! You can leave the narcs, but the Barca can’t leave you alone and get a life as a decent human being.
Dumb spell check. The “narcs can’t leave you alone.”
Thank you for your work ... 💪🏼Saving Lives 💯% ... Amen ✨🙏🏼✨
Excellent! Thank you. 👍
Thank you Darren for a very informative session. Would you please proceed and cover the "Defending method" in a future video like you suggested. It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you 👌👏
Yes please! I need help handling it when it’s happening
It exactly what kind of discussion you have when for emergency reason the father of the neighbors "borough"** the rake telling it's for the greater good and you find it in the head of the other neighbors generations after.
They'll say, "I am NOT ______. YOU'RE the one who (insert evil personality trait)."