How to Lessen Relationship Inflexibility
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- Опубліковано 29 тра 2024
- Cope with your BPD symptoms using my BPD Card Deck: The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
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Compromise, a delicate dance in every aspect of life, asks us to balance personal desires with connection and understanding. But this dance can become a dizzying tightrope, tangled in defense mechanisms, power dynamics, and fear of the unknown. Even self-centeredness and past hurts can complicate the give-and-take. Can we truly assess relationships without flexibility? By embracing empathy and communication, we can transform compromise from a precarious balancing act into a bridge connecting us, one cautious step at a time.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
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Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2anv8dww
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
00:00 Introduction
00:21 What is compromise?
00:45 When compromise becomes complicated
01:20 Compromise in relationships
02:00 Is the world a guarantee?
02:58 Roots of narcissism
04:46 Assessing relationships without compromise
This is a great topic and I have a lot to say, as I always do lol. I think people with BPD either never compromise or always put others before themselves, or flip flop between the two and it's hard to intuitively know how to be flexible. When you never compromise, you might be driven by a fear that you will lose yourself in the relationship if you don't have very rigid boundaries. When you always compromise, you might be driven by the fear that unless you have no boundaries you will be completely alone and abandoned. When you get a really good sense of yourself and what your needs are, it will be easier to set boundaries and also compromise in a way that you keep your sense of self and can also share a bit of yourself with others. A lot of us are still driven by fear rather than acting out of our authentic wants and needs.
Like your comment!
I'm on the fear side and just learning what actually boundaries are and how to set them.
I think the opposite what you called rigidity is more for those with narcissistic traits, again most likely where in childhood they had to fight to be seen or loved and so now they take their own self before everyone and everything.
It's very stressful when you live with someone like that esp when you are just the extreme type of fawning, thinking otherwise you won't be loved.
This is why many people who have fearful avoidant attachment style are like this. They see-saw between considering others and not considering themselves…or feeling that if they consider themselves they can’t attend to others.
I believe that Cptsd is a root cause in BPD and fearful avoidant attachment (and often BPD co-occurs and or presents so similar to fearful avoidant attachment)…and the black/white extreme thinking that is a result of a lot of fear/danger, is a subconscious strategy to mitigate danger and keep safe. It causes the all/nothing about other or self. The either/or…all those cognitive distortions.
Once a great deal of healing is done, we can have greater self trust, better boundaries, better self advocacy, and a balanced way of being. It’s a lot of work, but possible!
@@Alphacentauri819 Exactly! I am fearful avoidant and this has been my experience.
@@katieg7679 me too! It was revolutionary to find out I had fearful attachment style, and discover my core wounds and I’ve finally gotten to a point where I don’t have as much triggering or shame, but it’s a daily process. I do daily “safety” promoting habits, therapy, inner child work, journaling and more. I call it my “sanity protocol”.
I wish you peace 💛
Yes perfection does not exist. And a counsellor I saw told me that. I always think things "should" be a certain way and get angry that they aren't, not only in others, but in myself, and in the world. Things should go a certain way, people should be a certain way. I can't handle uncertainty. Everything falls apart if it's not black and white.
Yes, I am the same way. I think being able to tolerate uncertainty comes from having a secure attachment when you are younger. You can tolerate the uncertainty of whether it will rain or not if you have an umbrella, because you will be safe and dry either way. If you grow up in a volatile environment without safety(umbrella), uncertainty becomes threatening and it's easier to cope when you have a black and white answer (I HAVE to know if it will rain or not because I don't have an umbrella.) You can only tolerate uncertainty when you can cultivate that sense of safety (it's hard as hell).
@@katieg7679 That makes a lot of sense. I like things like math and science because they either are or aren't something. Like the jewelry items I bought on Etsy recently, the stones either are or aren't what the vendor says they are. I took them to a local jeweler and turns out the "moissanite" and "white topaz" are actually cubic zirconia, and the "spinel" is actually paste. I got duped. But I feel so much better knowing what they are and aren't, because I couldn't stand the uncertainty. I think I would enjoy gemology. I'd like to be able to tell for myself, and learn more about stones. I have to remind myself that I'm safe sometimes. It's one of the affirmations I say to myself under my breath, to self regulate. Remind myself I'm in the now, not in the then.
@@katieg7679 One thing I really can't stand and tips me out of whack every time is when I happen to carelessly leave the bathroom door unhitched, which is bound to happen now and then, I don't live in a clean room lab environment, and my sweet dog goes in, and EATS FROM THE CAT LITTER. Sometimes I catch it before it happens, but often I'm occupied with something else immediate, and she's already done it. It disgusts me so much I want to throw up, or rage at her. Even though I know it's normal dog behaviour. I can't get into my head how any creature could eat the bodily waste of another. DOES NOT COMPUTE!! I've tried to train her out of it, but it doesn't work. It's all I can do to wash the littler crumbs off her snout, and deal with the latter diarrhea.
Thanks Dr Fox for this video on compromise.
I am also a big proponent of REBT and letting go of the irrational cognitions (must, should, ought). We don't live as a solo island, we interact with others and to do that effectively rigid thinking; 'must haves', shoulds or oughts need to be changed to flexible maybes, preferences and compromise.
My resistance to compromise is proportional to the boundaries I have with that person. If the boundaries are not good then I'll typically compromise much easier and probably to the detriment of me.
Thank you for sharing your insight. Setting boundaries can be tough, but it's crucial for self-care.
I always look forward to your vids. You've some of the most diverse topics to cover in mental health that lead upto more serious issues later on in life. Pls include more info around emotions management in adolescence and teenage brain. How does that function ..what to do to avoid entanglement with an angry teen? Do all teens hate the world or is this generation suffering esp more?
Thank you Dr. Fox.
Such a great explanation, Dr Fox! Thank you!
Thankyou
You’re welcome 😊
My battle living with BPD now is I am unable to tell if I'm displaying poor interpersonal skills or if people who I've been vulnerable with are overreacting to everything I say and do that they don't like. I'm an OCD texter and before I was told that they were bothered by it, it had been shared with the entire family to the point I don't want to be around them anymore because I can't tell if I'm the problem or I'm sitting in a room full of individuals who are turning up their noses at me. I'm at a point where I don't feel like I have family or friends just associates or people I know. It's impossible to educate others when they are running for the hills.
That's funny about the donuts. The other day I was drinking coffee after coffee after coffee, because I could, and it was easier than cooking, and it's dark and rich and sweet and a treat, and I'm off liquor. But then I got an upset stomach. Go figure! 😆
Glad it was helpful. Hope your stomach feels better.
Can you talk about age regression with NPD they especially like to claim that their age regression is "special" and I've met too many and came from an adoptive family that is malignant and use age regression and their childish behavior as special for an excuse for their behavior.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's important to shed light on this topic.
But my ex manipulated me to hell n bk. Ion wna be young dumb trusting n naive again