only until I read The Four Tendencies I understood not only why for me is so easy to establish a new habit (I am an upholder through and through). But also made me understand (and act accordingly ) why things are so different with my Husband (a rebel) and my 12 yo daughter (a big questioner). The phrase "discipline is my freedom) was a huge liberation for me.
When I was a teen, I was an upholder while my mom was an obliger. I remember being triggered by her constantly shifting the blame as to why she put food in her mouth. I remember yelling at her, "it is basic calories in calories out, do not blame me because you cannot lose your own weight!" I had grown up hearing her criticism for her own body (and I am always told I look exactly like her, by people outside the family) and the bodies of others, as if it were a worth issue. My granny's tub of strawberry slim-fast was considered precious, and my cousins and I would eyeball it, and thinking it were something special, would occasionally sneak a scoop into cups of milk. Definitely a generational issue. (To this day my mom insists on buying me size medium clothes as gifts and every year I give it back and tell her to go get a large if she wants me to wear it. I haven't been that size since I had my son and I'm not stressed about it.) In retrospect, what I said if it were to anyone else in any other situation, I know it would be so insanely hurtful. In this specific context, I was triggered by her pervasive pattern of blaming others for her own actions, and I think that is what I was so upset about. That she could say someone else was controlling her hand to her mouth, as if on puppet strings, and that she literally could not stop herself, but somehow I could? She was trying to suggest she did not have control where she was in fact the only one with any influence; a frequent claim in other areas of her life. I definitely wish it were over something other than weight, because I know she can easily brush my reaction off. I didn't know what I was saying, and most people have trouble changing their eating patterns. I would never recommend someone to restrict themselves in the way I did back then. AND I think I understand more of what has been other's frustrations with me recently. I have felt that frustration, with my mom rejecting ownership, and that is what they perceive. I am not an upholder; I'm alone with my toddler and we don't have the resources we need, yet (slowly getting there!). I have been told that asking for help is refusing responsibility; but I perceive it as accepting reality and taking responsibility, because I know my capacity and that I cannot do this alone. They are perceiving a lack of ownership, where it is actually a different understanding of ownership. I know that being hyper independent is a trauma symptom and that I do not have to do every single thing alone, even when others place that expectation onto me. I am allowed to ask for help when I need it, and that is not a lack of responsibility. That is acceptance. If I wasn't asking, if I wasn't working towards getting those resources we need, that would be different.
Sorry I know that my longer comment isn't exactly "In response" to yours; that's what it brought up for me and I wanted to get it out. Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I know it is really difficult, as a mom, to look at our perceptions and try to take on a wider view. Motherhood can become a thankless marathon; surrendering justification and self righteousness on top of that isn't something many of us are very eager to do! 😅 Throwing you "good mom points." Good job, mama! You are doing a difficult thing. 😊❤
I think a lot of adults do this with their own behaviors. More specifically, a pull towards justifing incivility based on factors outside of themselves. But they control their behaviors.
I am obsessed with your book and this whole concept. I am dealing with motivation daily as an obliger that is a sole business owner... and honestly, I am improving by now finally understanding the "whys" of my personality!
Oh my goodness. I've such a better understanding now to how i tend to do things.. and what it is that makes me struggle to stick with the change.. thankyou so much!!
Can you be a mixture? I see Upholder and rebel as my major categories with rebel as my primary. That in itsrlf is a description of a rebel. I love your thinking on this. I love the academic mixed with human touch. You remind me of a merger of the characters in Sex and the City. I used to watch it sort of unwillingly with my ex girlfriend. In retrospect there is alot of psychology in that show. I don't think you're Samantha though. Thanks again for your illumination.
I've just heard of you from an Amy Landino's video and this is so exciting! I bet I'm either a rebel or a questioner even before the test cause I'm so bad with feeling the urge to meet deadlines and I never care much what other people tell me I should be doing... I have an hard time taking orders, speacially if they don't make sense to me. Do I sound like a brat? Maybe :p I'll take that queez today! Thank you for sharing this.
Did you try to make it match to other type of personality mesures ? I feel like there’s différents cognitive functions, and we can always make them match with different personalities types, so maybe we can build a better system combining all the solutions and different theory. And also I am a rebel, so what do I do with scheduling ? Can I have a master to do list for a week, and each day I choose 3 ? I don’t know, I can’t follow a planner.
I read your book and I love it, but there was just one tiny thing I didn’t like.... I’m a Rebel, but I didnt like how you named my tendency as “Rebel”. I know it’s just a name to identify, but people often associate rebel with something negative... If I were to change the label to “Choice Maker” it wouldn’t sound “bad,” you see. That’s the problem with our mind, I told my my mom my results and she associated my label with the general “Rebelion stages” even though that’s a whole different story, and she didn’t actually read the book. But yuh, other than that, it’s alright. I just don’t like how others would associate my label with something negative when it really is just a name. It be looking upon different just by changing the name to “Choice Maker.” People are weird
I feel the same way, rebel doesn't at all resonate with how I would identify, even though I fall in that category, I would rather be called authentic, so it doesn't sound so judgemental! It makes it sound like we're the lowest type people when in actuality nobody is a mistake. It feels like a tendency-slur.
Maybe I'm still trying to figure out what is meant by an "expectation" because I can't figure out my tendency. I took the quiz 4x, but I don't think it worked. Nothing in the book seems to be fitting quite right. I don't know how to answer the questions, as none of the answers seem to suit me very well.
I am a rebel & my helicopter parents ain't helping me grow up or have an easy life for accepting or understanding how I am or How I amke things work -my- way.... Sad ):(
Same... I told them to read the book but they didn’t. They associated the label “Rebel” with something negative, when really it’s just a name. “Choice Maker” if I were to change it, doesn’t sound “bad” right? But yuh, I get it, my parents don’t seem to want to fix our disfunctional family n that’s sad
I love knowing about this, it really helps, but Rebel Label doesn't at all resonate with how I would identify, even though I fall in that category, I would rather be called authentic, so it doesn't sound so judgemental. It makes it sound like we're the lowest type people when in actuality nobody is a mistake. It feels like a tendency-slur.
Thank you much for the great video and the insight. I do, however, feel the need to ask this; Imagining each of the four catigories you listed were shaped like a ring, is there such a thing as an "Overlap"er ? Sort of like the Olimpic rings, if that is even possible. While listening to you, I felt I was -or I had- a part of more then one category; an Obliger, with a touch of a Questioner (I speak out against an expectation). The questioner part comes from; to me, things have to pass the test of logic, commonsense, and in some cases, also ethics and morals. I hope make sense, and I'm not all over the map. Thank you in advance, _Cheers_
I can catch up just fine, reduce the speed if you have to. It might just be you’re not used to the accent or something, it be like that for me for certain accents
only until I read The Four Tendencies I understood not only why for me is so easy to establish a new habit (I am an upholder through and through). But also made me understand (and act accordingly ) why things are so different with my Husband (a rebel) and my 12 yo daughter (a big questioner). The phrase "discipline is my freedom) was a huge liberation for me.
When I was a teen, I was an upholder while my mom was an obliger.
I remember being triggered by her constantly shifting the blame as to why she put food in her mouth. I remember yelling at her, "it is basic calories in calories out, do not blame me because you cannot lose your own weight!" I had grown up hearing her criticism for her own body (and I am always told I look exactly like her, by people outside the family) and the bodies of others, as if it were a worth issue. My granny's tub of strawberry slim-fast was considered precious, and my cousins and I would eyeball it, and thinking it were something special, would occasionally sneak a scoop into cups of milk. Definitely a generational issue. (To this day my mom insists on buying me size medium clothes as gifts and every year I give it back and tell her to go get a large if she wants me to wear it. I haven't been that size since I had my son and I'm not stressed about it.)
In retrospect, what I said if it were to anyone else in any other situation, I know it would be so insanely hurtful. In this specific context, I was triggered by her pervasive pattern of blaming others for her own actions, and I think that is what I was so upset about. That she could say someone else was controlling her hand to her mouth, as if on puppet strings, and that she literally could not stop herself, but somehow I could? She was trying to suggest she did not have control where she was in fact the only one with any influence; a frequent claim in other areas of her life. I definitely wish it were over something other than weight, because I know she can easily brush my reaction off. I didn't know what I was saying, and most people have trouble changing their eating patterns. I would never recommend someone to restrict themselves in the way I did back then.
AND I think I understand more of what has been other's frustrations with me recently. I have felt that frustration, with my mom rejecting ownership, and that is what they perceive. I am not an upholder; I'm alone with my toddler and we don't have the resources we need, yet (slowly getting there!). I have been told that asking for help is refusing responsibility; but I perceive it as accepting reality and taking responsibility, because I know my capacity and that I cannot do this alone. They are perceiving a lack of ownership, where it is actually a different understanding of ownership. I know that being hyper independent is a trauma symptom and that I do not have to do every single thing alone, even when others place that expectation onto me. I am allowed to ask for help when I need it, and that is not a lack of responsibility. That is acceptance. If I wasn't asking, if I wasn't working towards getting those resources we need, that would be different.
Sorry I know that my longer comment isn't exactly "In response" to yours; that's what it brought up for me and I wanted to get it out. Thank you so much for sharing your experience!
I know it is really difficult, as a mom, to look at our perceptions and try to take on a wider view. Motherhood can become a thankless marathon; surrendering justification and self righteousness on top of that isn't something many of us are very eager to do! 😅
Throwing you "good mom points." Good job, mama! You are doing a difficult thing. 😊❤
Man, this is actually helping me a lot. My therapist introduced me to this list, and of course I got rebel.😅 I think rebels have the hardest time tbh.
Rebel 🙋🏼♀️and a bit of questioner.
totally same!! :D we are so rare!
Do Rebels clash with other Rebels?
@@jphorgan1507 definitly
Me too, rebel & tiny bit questioner.
I think a lot of adults do this with their own behaviors. More specifically, a pull towards justifing incivility based on factors outside of themselves. But they control their behaviors.
I am obsessed with your book and this whole concept. I am dealing with motivation daily as an obliger that is a sole business owner... and honestly, I am improving by now finally understanding the "whys" of my personality!
I think I'm a Questioner, because I don't do anything until i get convinced.
You can take her test to find out which one you truly are
Oh my goodness. I've such a better understanding now to how i tend to do things.. and what it is that makes me struggle to stick with the change.. thankyou so much!!
Wowsers! Only taken one quiz and I can see this is a game changer!
There is so much info in this, I will have to watch it a few time to understand and absorb. Thank you for this video.
Very well explained.
I really enjoy your video's. Thought provoking. Thank you.
I fluctuate between questioner and rebel often....
You can take her test to know which one you really are
I'm a Rebel 🙈🙉🙊
I put your Better Than Before book on hold at the library! I can't wait to get it so I can learn more about working with your tendency
Can you be a mixture? I see Upholder and rebel as my major categories with rebel as my primary. That in itsrlf is a description of a rebel. I love your thinking on this. I love the academic mixed with human touch. You remind me of a merger of the characters in Sex and the City. I used to watch it sort of unwillingly with my ex girlfriend. In retrospect there is alot of psychology in that show. I don't think you're Samantha though. Thanks again for your illumination.
I've just heard of you from an Amy Landino's video and this is so exciting! I bet I'm either a rebel or a questioner even before the test cause I'm so bad with feeling the urge to meet deadlines and I never care much what other people tell me I should be doing... I have an hard time taking orders, speacially if they don't make sense to me. Do I sound like a brat? Maybe :p I'll take that queez today! Thank you for sharing this.
Amy sent me! #Amytv
This video went up three years ago, but the title still contains a spelling error--and that bothers me. What does that say about my personality type?
David Maxfield You are probably a high C on the DISC test and an upholder in regards to the four tendencies this video speaks of.
Did you try to make it match to other type of personality mesures ?
I feel like there’s différents cognitive functions, and we can always make them match with different personalities types, so maybe we can build a better system combining all the solutions and different theory.
And also I am a rebel, so what do I do with scheduling ? Can I have a master to do list for a week, and each day I choose 3 ? I don’t know, I can’t follow a planner.
I read your book and I love it, but there was just one tiny thing I didn’t like.... I’m a Rebel, but I didnt like how you named my tendency as “Rebel”. I know it’s just a name to identify, but people often associate rebel with something negative... If I were to change the label to “Choice Maker” it wouldn’t sound “bad,” you see.
That’s the problem with our mind, I told my my mom my results and she associated my label with the general “Rebelion stages” even though that’s a whole different story, and she didn’t actually read the book.
But yuh, other than that, it’s alright.
I just don’t like how others would associate my label with something negative when it really is just a name. It be looking upon different just by changing the name to “Choice Maker.” People are weird
I feel the same way, rebel doesn't at all resonate with how I would identify, even though I fall in that category, I would rather be called authentic, so it doesn't sound so judgemental! It makes it sound like we're the lowest type people when in actuality nobody is a mistake. It feels like a tendency-slur.
On Quiz iam unholder
But for me Iam obliger!!!
Maybe I'm still trying to figure out what is meant by an "expectation" because I can't figure out my tendency. I took the quiz 4x, but I don't think it worked. Nothing in the book seems to be fitting quite right. I don't know how to answer the questions, as none of the answers seem to suit me very well.
I am a rebel & my helicopter parents ain't helping me grow up or have an easy life for accepting or understanding how I am or How I amke things work -my- way.... Sad ):(
try to see it from their view point, what type are they?
Same... I told them to read the book but they didn’t. They associated the label “Rebel” with something negative, when really it’s just a name. “Choice Maker” if I were to change it, doesn’t sound “bad” right? But yuh, I get it, my parents don’t seem to want to fix our disfunctional family n that’s sad
I love knowing about this, it really helps, but Rebel Label doesn't at all resonate with how I would identify, even though I fall in that category, I would rather be called authentic, so it doesn't sound so judgemental. It makes it sound like we're the lowest type people when in actuality nobody is a mistake. It feels like a tendency-slur.
I see it as there are healthy rebels and unhealthy rebels… and it’s a matter of knowing what tools can benefit a natural or learned inclination ☀️
a negative nasty one belongs to which one?
Thank you much for the great video and the insight. I do, however, feel the need to ask this;
Imagining each of the four catigories you listed were shaped like a ring, is there such a thing as an "Overlap"er ? Sort of like the Olimpic rings, if that is even possible.
While listening to you, I felt I was -or I had- a part of more then one category; an Obliger, with a touch of a Questioner (I speak out against an expectation).
The questioner part comes from; to me, things have to pass the test of logic, commonsense, and in some cases, also ethics and morals.
I hope make sense, and I'm not all over the map.
Thank you in advance,
_Cheers_
Cant decide if I am an Upholder or an Obliger...
Have you taken the free quiz? quiz.gretchenrubin.com
Talks too fast, too much info... or I'm slow...
She explained the basics in the info box
I can catch up just fine, reduce the speed if you have to. It might just be you’re not used to the accent or something, it be like that for me for certain accents