The Witchfinder General Reviews The Rise of Skywalker
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- Опубліковано 5 жов 2024
- The Witchfinder General of the Colony of Massachusetts Bay preacheth against an Abominable Pamphlet called Star-Warres: The Rise of the Sky-Walker; and as he is wont to doe, delivers Judgments based upon the Word of God and the recommendations of learned Puritan witch hunters.
"What's up with the weird accent?" It's a rendition of Original Early Modern English Pronunciation, commonly abbreviated as OP, an accent reconstructed by a linguist and Shakespeare scholar that's our best guess as to what people in southern England sounded like in the 17th century.
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I never thought I'd see the day when Star Wars fans and a 17th century Puritan Witchfinder-General share similar opinions on JJ Abrams
Technically not.
This is the most straight forward and unbiased review of that most horrid and vile pamphlet.
Last Jedi worse.
Biased? More like based
@@richardarriaga6271 I mean, if you have shit taste maybe
Rotten Tomatoes: 51%. Witchfinder General: 0%.
I trust the VVitchfinder General
From a non-vvichfinder perspective, it wasn't Manos: The Hands of Fate bad, or even Episode I, II or VIII bad. However, from the vvitchfinder perspective, they're all at 0%, even Empire Strikes Back...
Only 51% on a century masterpiece.
GO BACK TO RHODE ISLAND THOU QAUKER
Rotten Tomatoes: 51% Witchfinder General: "They shall be brought forth to the Magistrate of the Court in the Shire they are dwell in, and surely shall be put to death."
The vvays of magick are a pathvvay to many abilities fome may confider to be unnatural.
Is it possible to learn this magick?
@@alfatazer_8991 Not from a Puritan.
Only a perfidiouf Necromancer deals in fuch falfe abfolutef!
This is great 😂
Fore o'er a thoufand generationes the puritans were the keeperes of paece and iuftice upon this godley commonwealthe. Before the darke tymes. Before the Irish paepifts.
I may be a vile and wretched sinner, totally undeserving of God's love, but I pray I'm never apprehended and delivered to the magistrates assembled in the shire in which I dwell 😱
It is good that thou acknowledgeth thine owne sinfulness. Pray to the Lord each day for forgiveness, and do not stray from his path, and there shall be no cause for the militia to deliver thee to the magistrates assembled in the shire in which ye dwell. However, more than the punishments of man, thou must fear the eternal wrath of God. If thou liveth in accordance with the word of God for no other purpose than to avoid mortal judgement, thy soul shall be judged and punished most severely upon thy death for this deceit, and be cast in the lake of fire as is the just fate of abominable sinners such as thyself.
@@_chew_ That sounds like genuinely good spiritual advice, I’m impressed
FINALLY! A more progressive outlook on Rise of skywalker
Cromwellians!
No matter how many times the Witchfinder General says "Popery," it never gets old!
"Papistry! Papistry and damnation!"
I would give a lot to see The Witchfinder General review Hocus Pocus.
Shortest review ever: He'd call out for smelling salts as he faints... "My good lord! Didith not I smite these vviches henceforce once already?"
He’s so wonderful with this accent!
It sounds like a blend of scottish and English and welsh to me
It's just a bad irish accent
@@kylebalmer3396 nope
@@kylebalmer3396
It's our best idea of what 17th century Puritan Massachusetts accents were like.
@@1krani like a bad Irish accent?
I need the VVitchfinder General to review more movies. Or, erm, pamphlets.
Aye
Perhaps it will be one which is close to his righteous heart?
www.imdb.com/title/tt0063285/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0
@@illerac84 I honestly thought that was going to be a link to "Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch"... Or rather, the serial pamphlet based on that
These "movies" art the work of the devil. If thou admit to consuming these evil works, report to the cart in the shire in which thou dwell to receive instant death.
Witchfinder General reviews The Owl House.
Man, as a non-native speaker, the Early Modern English accent was a challenge
Even as a native speaker it's still a bit of a challenge
Absolutly but its very funny even if I dont understand all als an non-native speaker too
i think a lot of 16th century Englishmen would have struggled to understand him .. it's a lot more Irish than English.
@@coling3957 Nope. Have you seen videos of people recreating Shakespeare's original pronunciation? It sounds just like this but less exaggerated. English West Country accents (See: Hot Fuzz), one of the oldest surviving accents, also sounds mostly like this. The idea that people back then spoke the same Received Pronunciation accent as today is a TV invention.
I'm a little surprised. Original pronunciation is a lot closer to how English is spelt.
The force is strong with this one. You did the best review ever of one of the worst films in Star Wars history. Impressive. Most impressive.
Attack of the clones is still worse imo
@@zacpatproductions2052 Okay but at least with Attack of the Clones you get memes, Jango Fett, Obi-Wan, and the Battle of Geonosis at the end. Plus, it actually leads into a bigger story (The Clone Wars and Revenge of the Sith).
I think you're forgetting The Last Jedi.
Or is that even considered a movie?
@@whitemountain_ TLJ is the third best one, wdym?
@@whitemountain_ We don't speak of that one
Ideas: Witchfinder General goes to...
- A metal concert
- A scientific symposium
- the Salem Witch Museum
- Pride Parade (actually maybe not)
- Coachella or ACL
- Burning Man
Have you seen when he visits Mardi gras? He would have a conniption just over the name of "pride".
It would be beautiful to see!
@@scouttyra he'd be so upiddy over the name that he wouldn't even have time to realize what they're celebrating pride in.
By thy second idea, thou art surely ignorant. Dost not thou know that the study of God’s Earth is a goodly labour, as opposed to that evil practice of Majick?!
They shall be put to instant death.
scientology maybe
As an Englishman, it does me good to hear an Englishman speak on social issues.
His accent is excellent.
Any one who doubt has the devil's tongue wagging in thy mouth.
The text is so evil. It didn't want to burn.
That's another trick of the devil's worshippers. They print their blasphemies on difficult to burn paper. But do not worry. In a pire big enough, everything can end up purified by fire.
@@JohnnyElRed Holy fire! Enlighten, burn and cleanse!
The power of Satan is strong.
“The Mohammedan heathery of the dusky Moor.” Heh.
In Australia, Jedi is a religion!
The way he called me as a muslim. Is the best, wish I knew how to talk like him.
"The Mohammedan heathenry of the dusky Moor"
This is always so funny. I sorta want to watch these Witchfinder General bit's enough to play a DnD character with his outlook. Your portrayal is great.
Would he be a Cleric or a Paladin?
I recommend a monster hunter ranger with the acolyte background.
@@RobbyGAMEZ His character is perfect for the Inquisitor class in Pathfinder. Someone who pursues the ideals of their god with such zeal that they become warped agents of their will, committing acts of evil for good deities, and acts of kindness and mercy for those of evil.
You have to end every interaction with the full and total speech describing how unworthy the recipient is of God's love. 'Tis the will of the Lord.
This character, if he doesn't already, needs a Twitter account.
Absolutely.
Ye vvitchfinder General doth not wifh to be in ye prefence of such herefy and vvitchcraft.
He’ll be banned
i think he'd delete his account upon seeing the horrors of that hell known as "Tvvitter", he knows better than to partake in those dark arts
@@BlazingRoman I can see it now. "Blocked. Thou must be seized immediately by the militia, and brought before the magistrates assembled in the court in the shire in which you dwell."
To be fair, he came to the right conclusion...
I honestly love that you made such a convincing script, rather than doing the usual historical parody trap of putting constant irony/contradictions in there that an actual Puritan wouldn't outright state. Makes it all the more convincing and entertaining! :D
Star Wars has became indeed a devilish work.
I happened upon one of the victual houses where this cursed pamphlet was being shared and read. I've never seen a more wretched hive of scum and villainy....
Thou must proceed with the utmost caution.
The harpsichord of The Imperial March was a nice touch.
Yeah, a music video of that--if a full version exists--would be pretty sweet.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Irish papists, not join them!
Vader: I HATE YOU!!!
This is quite honestly the greatest thing that i have ever seen
The Witchfinder General needs to review the Harry Potter pamphlets.
Alas, your prayers have been answered! You must have spent these last years steeped in prayer.
This is now my favorite subscription on the tube of you.
I want this added to Rotten Tomatoes.
BE THAT A HARPSICHORD A PLAYIN??? Music and Devilry!!!
Given that the ancestors of the Puritans destroyed all the stained glass and organs in England...
One of the first things I thought when I watched Harry Potter movies was, "I see by the clear glass in Hogwarts that they wizards were no match for the Puritans!"
Satan has his name, 'tis Jar-Jar binks
I like how there wasn't racist insanity in this one. Only puritan insanity!
There is only one race! The followers of our lord Jesu! All others are naught but the spawn of satan.
I mean "dusky Moor" is pretty racist
Dude you do such a good job at this historical accuracy I actually thought I was listening to an actual puritan until the end of this. Outstanding actor 10/10👍
Almost thought he'd get on the "witch" for meeting unsupervised with a "slave" lol
Finally someone speaking sense in this trying time in which we find ourselves
I can picture the witchfinder general watching supernatural for about 5 seconds. Before he sets the tv on fire
Yes!
Or Good Omens!
@@scouttyra haven't seen that yet but looks like it would be equally amusing to watch
How do you not have more views?! I’ve been binging your YT channel for the past 6 hours.
I know you are making a joke here, and maybe I should be concerned about my own standing, but I agree will like 75% of everything this guys says.
Ah this voice takes me back I can still smell the fire under my feet as I kept telling them that “no matter how many times they tried to kill me it wouldn’t work so just stop and let me be on my way” I was in Salem during the whole trial and they only let me go because they forgot why I was in there funny how things work out.
lfmao ur not a witch-
@@kazoo.wav_ no of course not witches aren’t real. I made them up as a joke in the 12th century and it some how just kept going.
@@soundwavegamer2321 💀💀💀if ur going to role play atleast make it clear who ur role playing, that's what i meant lol
“The age of Miracles ended the resurrection of out lord Jesus Chris.”
Yea VVitch finder general, but these events took place along time ago in a galaxy far away....
Galaxy?! H-What sort of treacherous witchery is that?
Strongly recommend to watch a second time with subtitles on. Google tries, oh how he tries...
Omg the subtitles are hilarious, that poor algorithm has no clue what he's saying. lol
Thank you for that recommendation! I couldn't stop laughing, it is hilarious.
I did watch this with the captions on thank you thank you.
Nick romancing, such a great start.
I’m surprised you didn’t mention the same sex kissed at the end. Still a great video.
(Next part said in a southern accent)
However how can you claim to be for civil rights and not mention that.
CHECKMATE LINCOLNITES!
(Back to normal voice)
In all seriousness, who do you think would win a fight the checkmate LINCOLNITES guy, or the VVitchfinder General. My money is on the Checkmate LINCOLNITES guy.
(Back to southern voice)
GOD SAVE THE SOUTH!
Witchfinder General would win. Johnny Reb is a buffoon - the Witchfinder General is actually pretty dangerous
I believe that part of the movie was cut out for the Massechusets Commonwealth market in fear of censorship.
Atun-Shei Films
Then again, we know that Johnny Reb has at least one revolver on him.
Atun-Shei Films You would think the Witchfinder General would have something better to do than to read this unholy pamphlet. By reading it hasn’t he committed a great sin and shouldn’t he report himself to the magistrate of the shire for which he dwells for reading anything that is not the Holy Bible!
I believe the last episode of Checkmate Lincolnites answers your question, though it does get a bit muddled
Well SW is supposed to be taking place "a long time ago" so techincally it is before Christ's ressurection, well within the age of miracles.
Oh VVitchfinder General I have been lead astray by the devil child, who be know as "Baby Yoda". I have tried to rid myself from this veil creature but I have succumbed to his evil ways. He has an assistent who is has no name but hides his demonic face behind a helmet and is only know as the Mandalorian. Help me, VVitchfinder General, you are my only hope.
You should do an entire review series as this character. So good!
I thought this said rise of the Skinwalker. I was so confused at first.
4:13
By your pardon, good Witchfinder General, what be the difference between witchcraft and sorcery?
Wait until Witchfinder watches/reads Harry Potter.
He would not taint himself so, and after incinerating it in a sanctified pyre, would find another book to read. 'Tis a shame that so many do not follow his example.
Good Lord. What's he gonna review next?
Harry Potter?
Can’t wait for a Harry Potter, LotR, and or D&D review as the Witchfinder General...
Wow. He’s American? I’m from the arena where Matthew Hopkins conducted his witch trials in the 17th century. And he has nailed the accent in addition to the Early Modern English lexis. Nice Job!
Now I want all my movie reviews to come from the Witchfinder General.
And this was one of the positive reviews.
I love the outro music
@Oscar Wind oh that's right I shall repent then LOL
The closed captioning for all of your videos is pretty funny but none better than that of the VVitchfinder General. Never have I seen the word "potpourri" used so often in a video I enjoy.
I'm not sure what the audience for this is, but I'm glad I stumbled on it. ❤❤❤
Yes! Finally the witch finder General is making sense! Apprehend Abrams!
I love the witchfindet general videos!
Just wait till he learns of skinwalkers and windigos.
Mothman too
I'm leaving now, god willing I'll have JJ before the magistrate by tomorrow. It may be to late for star wars but maybe we can save the DC universe.
Okey, I need that Imperial March music to download.
The witchfinder videos are the best
How did he even watch the movie without declaring it "Deviltry Most Foul!" callin' for the magistrate to burn it all down.
Can't say I disagree with the Witchfinder about JJ
The Uuitchfinder general should review or react to tlc shows.
I understood maybe 15% of yer speech yet
I
Couldn’t
Stop
Laughing.
I love this character so much
Damn, I didn't know they were doing a new Solomon Kane movie already.
Many thanks for the subtitles!
I have returned, with a new case of heathen blasphemy and vvitchcraft! It's called the "tale of Cinderalla"
(seriously: I got to see the character's take on this classic story) :P
Hey Atun
I know you live in New Orleans, and I know you like to share some of the history of that city. One story about New Orleans that I remember the most is that of Marie Delphine Macarty, or "Madame Blanque." Are you planning to do a video on her?
Already did... twice
@@AtunSheiFilms woops, my bad; sorry I'm new to your channel.
@@Calgacus7 No worries, hope you enjoy!
With her 3rd marriage she became Delphine LaLaurie. If you are looking for videos about her just search "Lalaurie Mansion".
I’m pretty sure the witch finder general could have his own UA-cam channel.
I would watch that. I would wait on it with bated breath.
5:22 doesn't mess up his lines while figuring out why the binding of the book won't light 😂
The stunning and brave new take on the starwars movies
The addition of the Witchfinder General character makes any topic hilarious.
Good god sir that accent is amazing 😊
Now we need him to review the Owl House.
Oh boy, he would go nuts. He would throw a huge fit, if Atun Shei does end up making a review like this I am going to enjoy myself immensely.
1:17 technichally this happened before the end of the age of miracles as its set long long ago in a galaxy far far away
who else thinks we should just go back to talking this way?
Just found your channel!! I love your content!! This is absolutely hilarious!!
That accent is on point! Love the witchfinder general.
I'd like to have a word with whoever arranged your Star Wars music for chamber strings because they did a fabulous job, but at one point there's supposed to be a V/V, with the 2 (the tonic of the chord) in the melody, but instead he used that 2 as the 7 of a V/vi and didn't sharpen the 3rd which I think would have made a great cadence leading to the sharpened third of the V/vi coming next _and also is key to using the correct chord but it's fine,_ but the MAIN thing that stood out to me (I know, all that ado for my secondary point about a secondary dominant) was that I KNOW I heard a German aug6 chord. I don't remember how to make a French or Italian aug6 because music theory was 10 years ago and I only remember what I still use, but gawdammit I heard it and it was frankly great.
Witchfinder General should review Witchfinder General (the music band)
That pamphlet is surprisingly flame resistant. It took like 1 minute in direct contact with fire to catch aflame.
This is amazing
How the fuck did I miss this like 9 months ago
Well they are guilty of killing the original story then trying to reanimated the corpse in their own image for profit.
I am abfolutely enamored by the VVitchfinder General. Atun Fhei, can we get VVitchfinder General AFMR. Fay, oh, "the VVitchfinder General interrogates you on a stormy night."
I am fure that many of your followers will love VVitchfinder AFMR
This is better than the Plinkett review we'll never get.
You need more subscribers.
One of my ancestors, William Pynchon, the founder of Springfield, Massachusetts, after he wrote a book, had to flee back to England to escape the likes of people like The Witchfinder General.
“The age of miracles ended with the resurrection of our lord Jesu Christ”
Apparently The Witchfinder General never read The Book of Acts.
'Tes a screed of the Neckbeard General.
I sure hope he doesn't review Flying Witch or The Worst Witch that way or he'd be canceled by now. But because it's that Star Wars sequel trilogy, I'm fully on board!
I love you Atun-Shei, but it's clear you had central heating growing up and didn't depend on a fireplace for warmth like my family, or you'd know that paper booklets catch fire best from the edges and that you need to hold the fire towards the bottom so it travels up into the fuel :P
The apostles were given miraculous haling powers.
“They will fall” only wait a few 100 years and he sees planes
The Witchfinder General should review more movies. “Encanto is a vile pamphlet, presuming that a miracle can exist without the explicit permission of our Lord Jesu Christ, and using the tongue of that abominable Papist country Spain.”
I myself had once been shackled by the false Mohammedan heathenry of the dusky Moors and Saracens due to the Fall of Constantinople, vvhich obviously fell due to the treachery of the Pope. Now I have been saved by the Puritan teachings. Thank you VVitchfinder General!
Are we ignoring the fact he called Mark Hamill an "Angelic form"? I mean, he's not wrong.
Finally, this is the Rise of Skywalker I always needed.