Heart Messages Narcissists Can't Hear, But Say Them Anyway
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- Опубліковано 29 тра 2024
- A positive byproduct of counseling is the ongoing ability to separate psychologically from troubled people, such as narcissists. Dr. Les Carter delves into heart messages his patients learned to embrace that illustrate newfound strength and wisdom. Narcissists, with their lack of insight, may never be able to appreciate the feelings of liberation accompanying those messages, but you can join those who are well on the path toward a more rewarding life.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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I’ve had to reprogram myself from the continuous overreacting out of outrage and feelings of injustice. I actually thought I was the narcissist at some point before I understood what I was dealing with, because my behavior had become so parallel to the characteristics. I lost myself defending, accusing and trying to get them to see their behavior. It’s a losing battle
Same, I'm explosive now, because of years of having received condemnation and invalidation. So now I look like the crazy, controlling person who starts conflicts. And now his family think I am the unreasonable one. And maybe I am, not sure. But I will take responsibility and move within a few months, I am tired of being seen as the worst person ever, and then I will hopefully know if it's me.
@@GingerOMG good for you that you’re getting out. That’s the only solution.
Let them think you’re the bad guy, it’s not your job to prove anything if they’re toxic as well or being manipulated too. Find your peace and never look back. You’ll be better equipped in the future to know the signs and not get involved with another 💥
You are absolutely correct it's taken me years to come to terms with what is happening, stay in touch with healthy boundries that take both people into account and make sure you do not become so self centered that you take on the same person as them.
I been questioning myself as well. Is it me am I the narcissist. But no because I have never acted nutty to anyone except this person! Really don't like who I become around this man.😔
I still doubt my sanity but I know I’m civil until I’m cursed at or belittled then I get too aggressive, I hate that
The narcissist~wolf in sheep’s clothing
Dr. Carter~Angel in human clothing
🙏🏽
TRUE
Oh how I agree with that statement about Dr Carter being an angel yes most certainly. Oh how his advice resonates.
mere mortal we can all do what he does we first have to want to in my opinion
@@marywilsonvocalist2181 it doesn't matter how much someone says I want to I want to I want to if they do not have the tools and the techniques and the way to do it it's very very tough on some people I'm strong I'm able to I agree Rock the crap out of somebody if I don't want to engage I shut it right off I tune out I've got other capabilities as well which I will not elaborate on because it's too long drawn out it's difficult to say how people handle others I don't care if they hear me or not someone will and agree with me it's hard if a person doesn't have the tools techniques and I'll tell you what Dr c and Laura and others like them are doing this for all of us and I love it because there are some things I have learned within the last almost 3 years if I had not come across this channel I would never have known it and I would still be freaking suffering thank God I'm out of that order I'm in the divine order Peace Love light energy mode now and you know what I can either turn it on for those who care and for those who couldn't care less guess what I'll keep it to my damn self I'll shine it but will they notice it probably not but for the genuine folks I appreciate every one of them sorry I was ranting hahaha my son says I write books I don't write compliment or comments. Please Don't judge me for Miss punctuations and words that were not said compliments was meant to be comments don't judge me hahaha.
👏👏👏❤👍
No narcissist will ever be quiet long enough for a person to say so many words.
There will be blame shifting, sabotage, topic switching etc...
Forget it.
You would need to restrain the narcissist and tape its mouth shut to be able to say all that.
Write it in a letter.
😂 yep they never listen
I'm just not able to describe how much strength, clarity and relief I get from your videos.
I hope God will eventually be merciful and send me someone who will really love me.
Strength, clarity and relief - exactly! 👍🏼
I feel this way about dr. Carter to. He brings such clarity and relief to my soul and relieves a lot of pain Ive going through. He is a blessing.
How can I find you someone to love you I don't worry as you love yourself just remember don't be in such a rush to find someone because there's a lot of narcissist out there and we have to be careful. It's better to be alone than deal with somebody and wait on the Lord for somebody who is really good to us.
God bless.
Isn't god the one who sent you the narcissist ?
God answers all prayers. When the time is right, in divine timing, it will happen. I am praying for your loving relationship.
I am praying the same thing>
OMG! The world is full of so many selfish narcissists. I destroy them by continuing to be sexy, caring, gorgeous, generous and loving.
This is the Gettysburg Address for all victims of narcissists. Amen! Brilliant.
Absolutely one of his best videos IMO.
He didn't 'dig deep', seems he just 'dug out'.
@Gwen13061 - well said! 👍👏👏👏❤
@@bertzerker747 narcissists put you in a hole no need to dig deeper he likes to give people advice on which way to dig to get out wish this was online a few years ago but the bonus is the information he is giving has helped me a lot
@@dionne8837 , supposing he's saving up a few pearlers ✌
Not entirely sure about the hole but there are definately a few voids in the narcissists world that could be filled.
“I am my own person, you don’t define me.” Luv that. Thank you Dr Carter!💛
My mantra is. “ Iwill not be defined by others”
no one really loves me because I live among narcs, do you think this will make me a jealous person when I'll have a relationship?
@@WhiteAngelLovesEarth If you are surrounded by them, like I was growing up, yes, it can impact your personality tremendously *if* you let them rub off on you. I learned in order to survive I had to mimic them but I hated myself and knew it was not who I was so I ended up with borderline personality disorder.
Once I was able to escape (most of) them and focus on being true to who I am I find most of the borderline/narcissistic traits I had as a coping mechanism have vanished and I am MUCH happier. It's so hard to be in your position, some people have no clue what hell it is to be born into a family like this. And then to go on and marry someone who is just like them with their own narcissistic relatives who become your inlaws and then to have children who are also narcs... ugh.
I know to some people it seems like it's impossible to be surrounded by SO MANY NARCS but for some of us it is a reality and can drive us insane. We often get scapegoated right into a mental hospital or worse.
Please don't ever let them rub off on you so much you lose yourself and become like them.
@@chelleb3055 Thank you for answering and sharing your experience! I'm glad you're happier now! I'm seeing a psychologist since a few months ago. I went kinda crazy more than once, I had to recover on my own, I lost over a decade with this. I was harassed by some spiritual narcs so I ended with religion and spirituality as well, I was the scapegoat in my own family and no one believed me when I told about being harassed, my family was always fighting with me and insulting me and I was going insane cuz no one was communicating with me and mom had cancer, I was praying so much.... Mom left the world by the end of last year, left this HELL, I almost died a few days later, my luck was getting a severe form of covid and ended up in hospital. Covid was my luck...cannot believe it, cuz I was sick with other stuff I didn't know about, felt really low and no one cared.
I am the Lord’s ,He defines me
Totally agree with the idea that the narc thinks that they are the most “ special “ person in the room . I’ve said before that my two narcs want to be the “ bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral “ 😂🤣😂
Omfg, "the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral." 🤣🤣🤣🤣 It's SO TRUE. 😂
😂👍🏼
May the Lord protect people from narcissists - thank you Dr Carter
Dr. C - your empathy appears in every video you do. It is very clear to me that you love people and clear to me who you are as a person - a caring advocate for people who live in the shadow of the unkind and uncaring.
Thank you for being there, thank you for all you do for us...
You're most welcome. Dr. C
Never tell a Narcissist what you love because they will tear it down in some fashion or never do the things you love.
And never tell them what you hate because they will find a way to always do the things which you hate or make sure you have it in your life on a regular basis, you know, just as a "joke"... something "they" can always laugh at..
Exactly! There's certain types of media I had let them know I hate, yet they make a point of viewing such media when I'm around knowing I hate it.
The thing here is, I don't force them to watch anything I watch because I know they'd be bored or dislike what I watch. I'd figure they'd do the same but they dont.
@@kellydrodgers8957
Oh yes!! Kindness, consideration, gratitude, politeness, etc. is RARELY, if EVER, reciprocated!! Please don't ever hold your breath waiting for anything like that in return!! If they do indeed start acting kind then be extra aware about their behavior. There's usually some ulterior motive behind it. It's hardly ever genuine.
@@jillhollon768 Good point, and one to try to remember when they're being nice.
When they are nice again, my confusion comes in and I doubt their prior abusive behaviour. This intermittent reinforcement is so hard for me to break.
@SuperBlakes2
That's because we want them and we want them to always be nice. And they know this. They know how much we crave positive interactions and intimacy with them. Therefore, we become their personal toy and amusement. We are just a game to them. We have only been a game to them. Something they can play with. They don't have a soul or an ability to love us the way we deserve.
We have to ultimately see them for who they are. And finally, detach our deep-seeded feelings away from them. They will never, never, never deserve us.
I know this sounds weird but I hope that someone out there has the benefit of having this incredibly kind and intelligent man as their father.
Excellent. “ I am my own person. You don’t define me”
Dr. Carter, both narcissists I know would never stick around long enough to listen to your second sentence, let alone your full message.
Give them each a mirror, a box of chocolates and a bottle of chardonnay.
Enjoy your peace and quiet.
You're welcome.
Narcissist won’t listen but we who deal with them can learn so much from all he says. Narcissists rarely change.
You are so right about that. I asked one time, "why do you feel I don't deserve a nicety, like saying good morning to me?" He immediately said, "did you see where I put my coffee cup?" That made it clear to me, there is no hope. He thought I was someone else, and started to say good morning, but stopped when he realized it was me. That kind of stuff hurts when you can't even have a conversation about what's going on.
They won't listen because the truth hurts.
Lol Both aren't capable of staying around. It's completely gray rock!. 😅
This message was so encouraging! As you spoke, I was flooded with memories of all the controlling, dehumanizing, and cruel things that I experienced from my narcissistic relationships. Thank you for the beautiful wording! I am my own person, no matter how much or how often they wanted me to feel the opposite.
You're why I do these videos. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Dr Carter. You are doing Good Work. Very Grateful ❣️
@@SurvivingNarcissism well, THANK GOD , because it became physically violent Again recently after 8 years of supposed learning about anger etc.. and many proposition 36 (CA drug law)
He was looking at 3 strikes in one day in jail, no bail, but
Once again.. he got a lawyer wea er. And found Jesus in jail..
Omgoodness Dr. C!
SO MANY times I've nearly been free, and then swoop, the hippocracy and evil swing in his favor and he gets a smear campain CPS case for ME being failure to protect!!
Now my last child us 16½.
I'm still stuck, nowadays with the learned helplessness.
Oh, to live in Texas..
My only shrink that EVER GOT my story was from TX. She just went back.
ANY suggestions on this specific type of counsel near Auburn California?
Its ABOVE Sacramento.
Love you!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you
This actually makes me think about every single year I have had to purchase a Mother’s Day card for my mum. It literally use to take me HOURS. I would pull a card and read the first of however many heartfelt lines and think, “Nope. That doesn’t describe her.” On to the next… “Well, i WISH that described her.” And then the next… “This doesn’t even remotely describe her.” I always wanted so badly to be able to say to her the sweet and endearing things we read on greeting cards but if i had said them, it would have felt so untruthful and fake. It felt dishonest. Not the parts about her being loved but the parts about her being “a wonderful and thoughtful and sacrificial and caring mother.” She simply was never the kind of mother described this way in heartfelt greeting cards. There was no way i could “say them anyway.”
I hurt my daughters the same way.
I am so sorry you went through whatever you went through.
I’ve realized recently how much I’ve hurt my daughters.
I am full of remorse,
I never nurtured or protected them.
I don’t believe I’ll be forgiving myself anytime soon.
You are a child of the universe and there mother love all around you.
Again, I am so sorry you were hurt by someone like me
@@dianewilkins4418 that’s very kind of you, but you don’t have nearly enough information about some stranger’s mother whom you happen to be reading about on social media to compare yourself. I’m not the one you should be apologizing to (but I’m guessing you know that.) Making things right with your daughters is the most important step to complete your healing. Good for you for correcting your behaviors! God bless you! The universe is subject to Him ;)
@@Oceans780 i am an artist and make my own cards now :) So now she gets cards that simply say “Happy Mother’s Day” and that’s it. So much easier. Fist bump to ya, survivor!
This is exactly what my sisters and I have gone through for years. I always said someone should start a greeting card line that gets to the point without the flowery untruths. At this point I think I will just stop the cards altogether.
Same when my mother was alive, and before she passed she betrayed me in such a way I couldn't be around her much, but I continued to honor her and be there when she needed me, mostly for God and my father, her husband who had already passed. But the day she passed, I knew she understood everything, and I was at peace.
What a relief to hear someone who knows how these types really are.
I now look at my mom as a “robot” when she says I love you, it’s nothing more than hello and goodbye. I play along. She can’t catch when I don’t have the feeling behind it proving this to be absolutely true.
‘Arrangement, not relationship’ ☹️
I tell my mother, "no need to say that you love me, unless you mean it." When people at the store ask, "How's it going today?" I don't answer the generic, "Good. How are you?" I answer them genuinely, depending on the day. I get a lot of weird looks, as you can imagine. Most look puzzled, like that's not what you are suppose to say...some answer the "How are you?" returned to them, honestly and those are quality interactions.
Same
It is sick how narcissists use your co dependency to hurt ,and abuse you.❤️✝️❤️🙏God helps me cope.
Even if the narcissist doesn't have an ear to HEAR or a HEART to listen, these golden words and thoughts could become your OWN LIFELINE to a better life. (If you ever were to save something to 'Watch Later' in your library THIS is IT.). Play it every day or before bed. Less than 13 MINUTES a day will change your LIFE FOREVER.
You get it! Dr. C
100% agree! I was actually thinking something similar- this would be the video to share with people who feel like they’re going insane but don’t know why because of how they’re being mistreated and disrespected.
@@SurvivingNarcissism
These statements are like personal affirmations and things one can say to themselves while tuning out the Narcissist's never-ending talk, talk, talk, rage, dismissiveness, etc.
I've gotten to the point where, when I'm in their presence and they start their bs, I just start smiling and laughing at the absurdity of it all (unless they are raging because laughing at that can sometimes be dangerous).
yes!! I hear them!!!It validates me I’m someone!! Narc don’t hear anything!
Exactly!
And which narcissist will allow you to even finish such a sentence without starting yelling and crying in the middle of whatever you are going to say?
While everything you said was right on the mark, there is one minor detail you omitted. After you say them, BE PREPARED TO RUN!
Drop the truth bomb and run! Advice from my counselor :).
Even better. Just walk away.
That means too being prepared to be walking out past the door to your own apartment regardless of how dark it is already outside and no matter how cold it is too and then running away to a safer at the time place planned for ahead of time away from that building you live in until someone like there who is not yet aware that you have left the place gets the strong and clear message that you the renter of that apartment might be returning with police and so they leave before you do. That means while planning to maybe having to do so making sure to have your electronic car door opener concealed under your clothing just in case the narcissistic person whom you are running from realized you are fleeing from them and so they again by surprise try to grab you and then they manage to shove you into the trunk of your own car. Like what happened to a young woman in the high rise building 2 front doors away from the one I was living in once here in Edmonton, Alberta Canada. If she hadn't ahead of time hidden that electronic car door opener under her clothes then who knows what would have happened to her after she got shoved into the trunk of her own car without it? He was into human trafficking and she looked like good enough quarry to him.
@@francesbernard2445 i agree the best thing anybody can do is separate themselves from people like that as you will find no peace otherwise i learned that one the hard way
🤣🤣🤣
In the past, I’ve written my “heart messages” to the offender…. It had all the gratification of spittin’ in the wind.
This I think is more for you. They wont listen. Its a journal validation for me. 😍 I have emailed "Heart Messages" and sent him healing links. No response whatsoever. Don't care. I can't make him do his work to change his bad behaviors. I care about me as a valueable human being. I don't accept any abuse of any kind anymore. Gone and divorced your toxic ass three years now. I am writing a book to help others not to accept verbal abuse. 😍🌹🙏💪
They can't take responsibility. Thx for the reminder of this crappy trait.
Omg. I literally just laughed out loud! 😆 Thank you. I needed that.
@@alysiahite12 ...
I THINK a BOOK to be VERY HELPFUL to YOURSELF FIRST.
GOD may USE IT to REACH HIS SAINTS.
BLESSINGS to he who has ears.
well said.
I once realized my Mother NEVER said I love you. One day she was in full attack mode. I approached her up close and said I love you Mom.
She started to cry. My Brothers and Sisters picked up on her reaction and approached her too and said I love you also.
It didn't change her much but it sure did change us kids. We often told her we loved her.
Life lessons indeed.
It's sad for the empath and narcissist that true love does not/cannot exist because they are on different wavelengths that divide rather than unite. It's been difficult coming to terms and coping with this new reality and I learned through your videos that the only way for a peaceful and happy outcome is to "unhook" from the psychological abuse that is the narcissists' M.O. Without doing this necessary step, one is caught in the vicious cycle that leads to nowhere. I look forward to watching this video and the truths it unveils. Thank you Dr. C.!
🙏✌💯
It is very sad. The person who is not the narcissist loved deeply and for me, I’m still crying every day while they go on about their lives like I never existed. Unhooking a d leaving him is one of the most heartbreaking and painful experiences that I am still going through.
You said exactly what I relate with
@@michellek2946 you will make it. I had to walk away from a relationship with someone who had similar emotional issues when we reconnected several years ago after nearly two decades out of each other's lives.
One day at a time 🙏
@@michellek2946 God is fair and he will pay for every your tear , meanwhile you need to take care of yourself, be with your dear friend and family, workout at gym, read i good book, watch a good movies, be in the nature lot it is very helpful, travel if you can , another word keep your mind distracted of thoughts about him. God bless :) You will be fine it just takes time :)
In my experience, it is truly a no win situation dealing with this kind of person. It's painful and unfair, but I take some comfort knowing that i can move on while that narc is stuck with themself forever...ultimately that's justice.
Dr C, I just had a very intense conversation like this, I was so nervous as I spoke but felt the Chains on my soul begin to melt. Thank you 🔥
Say it anyway! Dr. C
This is absolutely wonderful but I know of course there is no narcissist on this Earth that would actually listen to this and ponder it. No way! 😢
Okay so one thing my mama has said behind my back that i still can't get out of my head. "It's easy to say I love you and not mean it."
@@PAULYCRISPYSDANGERZONE honestly sometimes i can't believe her when she says it
@@bigkirbyhj666 my mom says you dont love me making herself a victim!!! Blame shifting thw real victim ill never be loved at its okay thw truth is better than any fake love
my mother has never said it to me ever and if she did now, I wouldnt believe her. She says "love ya" to one of my cousins - the one who has the name I was supposed to have because I was supposed to be a boy....but she doesn't even say that to me because she literally thinks I ruined her life, came out a girl, with blonde hair, to spite her or something. Evil.
@@sheilajac my moms done the same i dont feel anything even tho its an act its crewl to use your child as a pawn and yeah they choose favorites my cousin was one of them red head my mom has blue eyes and says sarah you will never have blue eyes well my blue eyes are ressisive shes delusional my bfs eyes are as light as hers shes already jealous she wont be a grandma now booo fucking hoo cry to someone who cares hah karma is a lovely bitch and its best served cold
@@sarahlouise6507 the funny thing is, that particular cousin of mine, like his dad, is a sociopath, as is my brother. my mom is a malignant narc or a psychopath possibly. she's been a see-u-next-tuesday since she was a child. she provoked her brother into throwing a rock at her she still has a scar above her eye to this day...she provoked her dad when he came home from work, she idolizes her mother who was also a narc, and she still to THIS DAY, at the age of 75, sings a psycho song that belittles her only younger sister who is married to the sociopath - who she said a few years ago would "always take my side" - in other words, she was blatantly pitting me against the sister she bullied and humiliated because she was jealous of because her mother had a new "favourite"...the thing is, that sister/my aunt, I KNOW, knows my mom is psycho. Like when my mom tells her story that she thinks is "cute" about throwing a kitten in the rain barrel when she was 4, giggling, that aunt laughs nervously and looks at me sideways like "oh my god she's telling that story again that makes everyone uncomfortable and doesn't seem to realize what it says about her"
Spot on. 👌 This was my ex-marriage. My relationship now is healthy, productive, safe, and peaceful. It's beautiful to be with a healthy partner.
You can say this to a narcissist but do not expect them to change or take it well. If they are borderline/sociopath they may even smile and agree and make promises to get counseling, make changes, etc. Then hatch a plan to get you put in jail on false charges of abuse. True story. My advice is if you feel the need to do this, a. do it for you, and b. move far away first.
I am my own separate person. I am going to listen to myself. I'm no one's inferior. I have worth and value, and if you can't see it, then you've lost out.
What a heartfelt, soothing lesson. Thank you. One of your unsung talents is that your calm voice enables you to reach so many of us who are stressed out. After listening to this video, I felt calm & simply wanted to breathe deeply! It was a meditation for the soul. Namaste
They will openly say things about how they feel and treat others and other situations which is telling you how they view you. I learned that the hard way.
They are masters of deflection, aren't they?
Everything in reverse. What they say about you, is about them. What thay say about them, is about you. And mixed in with half truths, gaslighting, and all else.
Oh, I forgot double standards.
@@chelleb3055 Indeed and masters at projection.
They tell on themselves if you’re patient and listen long enough.
God bless Dr Carter . Narcissistic and their demons don't like you. You busted them. My God protect you from their evil eye. Amen
Gus, being totally Zen again 🐾😎
It seems to me it would be a very dangerous situation to say any of these things to a narcissist.
I don’t want to be in control of somebody else or a relationship I want it to be a relationship where we respect each other
I needed it today… as Mr N. - a year after I left him - is starting his love dance again- making plans and responding to my “I will not go back to You” - with his “you never know - time will show”. Those creatures are so hard to understand - specially when You are a true human being. Have a great day everyone and THANK You doctor❤
I love that all the narcissist are so jealous of all my accomplishments big and small. Eat your hearts out!
I've got to say, going through an extended relationship with someone with these qualities is one of the hardest things someone can do. Directly standing up for myself changed a lot, I hope everyone reading this gets through it
A few years ago, I accepted a great offer to work for a better company with triple the salary. I was utterly shocked when a previous coworker told me how much they missed me! My dad was so convincing that I was undesirable company, a "lesser human", as he put it. I had to take psychological tests, background checks, IQ tests, etc for my new job. I'm kinda sad that I spent years believing that I wasn't good enough. Now I am trying to adjust to being intelligent, likable, etc. Just found out that my dad told the family reunion that I am involuntarily a resident of a mental institution - 15 minutes before I arrived, to the shock of the family. Sometimes, the family you were born to isn't the family you can keep.
You gotta be evil and crazy to treat your child that way.
Amazing and congratulations. And sad that they tried to hide your success.
i think you're gold... and gold is still gold for everyone to see...
That is terrible, sickening & sorry you had to go through this. I hope you heal from this ordeal.May you have a happy, healthy life & only associate with non toxic friends, family in your life. 🙋♀️ hi from Australia 🐨
@@georgias9211 thank you. I am humbled that you care. Love from Oklahoma.
The narc will have no idea what you are talking about but it needs to be said.
They hate the word no and get set off when you say it
A narcissist is going to be who they are, it's a waste of time and energy to try to fix them. When it comes down to it a narcissist will never see eye to eye with you, they always need validation. Never explain yourself to a narcissist, love yourself and don't love the narcissist, let a narcissist be who they are. Thank you Dr Carter your videos are very helpful. ❤💪
they never change, look at them in a family. never change.
I'm still able to love my cluster of narcissits-just with a 10 foot pole. The best revenge is to 'stay' who you are, a loving person that's still allowed to 'be' (not feel) sorry for them. You're right, it's their toxic world. If you've stopped loving them, though, you've aligned yourself in their world. It takes courage, but it's possible if you're truly free of them.
a person will never change anything unless they want to. a narcissist does not want to so it would be more effective to try and talk a wall into being a ceiling. better to just leave them to it without you
¹⁰sept: david: "waste of time and energy to try to fix them" perhaps a mistake some or many people make. Never considered fixing the toxic one in my life, just figured after so much time together i should have rubbed off on them, looking like that did not happen. The toxicity Almost started rubbing off on me, did not like that person, did not fit well. Still Can not wrap my head around 'they never change' concept though...
I have heard your heart Dr. Carter. Thank so much for sharing this message. I am extremely ready for peace. I am a 54 yo daughter of a narcissistic mother. Every single message you spoke on described our so-called relationship. Whenever, I have to be in her presence, I always become so anxious. Simply because I just know there's going to be a major conflict. I have been researching NPD for awhile. After watching this video I am ready to move forward and live my best life. Enough is enough , I am done playing this never-ending mind game. I am worth it. 😊 Thanks again for the insight.
Enough is enough. Stay strong, Cassondra. Dr. C
I'm sending this to two friends. This best describes what a narcissist is. It is full of clarity. Thanks you! A muse waved a wand over your head to give you these wonderful words.
You’ve been given a gift….. you don’t know better than to share it. That’s why we toon and turn into you…. 👏👏👏👏
This was a great Declaration of Independence. Thank you Dr. C
Gold this is.
Absolutely! 😃
My mother was/is a very viscious narcissist. I'm now 56 years old. Shes now 77 and has finally been diagnosed with frontal lobe dementia via CT Scan. Her memory has been prohibitively terrible for many years prior to diagnosis.
She HATES that it was me who the Dr told her diagnosis to in the ER. We sent her to the ER because 1. She could be suffering a bout of out of this world new level of dementia that we had never seen or an aneurism had burst. I was invited back to the ER and told she told anyone who would listen exactly how she would murder me. Then they gave me her diagnosis.
Well my mom hasn't found her way to the sweet old lady road to memory loss, nope!
She's more cruel, more viscious, so hateful!
Her favorite child died in December 2019, my only sibling. Narcissists always have a favorite child. His death was completely her fault. He was an addict with a brain injury. She let him use methadone after his TBI. He because severely dependent which she loved! She isolated him because.....people didnt need to know he had a TBI....it affected his short term memory severely! 7 yrs after his TBI her dementia kept her very guarded. He died because she.....didnt want ppl to know (this is a standard n repeating theme in her narcissistic brain. If ppl knew he went to Hospital they'd probably believe it was due to her. I had outted her for allowing n keeping it secret that my brother was on methadone.....his TBI was caused by that drug. So my brother peed coffee brown for 3 weeks. When he finally went to the ER his gallbladder disease had killed his kidneys. He didnt feel the nightmare pain of this level of gallbladder disease because he took 160 mg of methadone.
The hospital took him off dialysis and ket his body poison itself to death!
This is Narcissism!
Save yourself!
Run from anyone close who has it!
Did she believe the diagnosis, or did she think it was all part of a vast conspiracy?
Hugs to you. I'm very sympathetic. My dad now has Alzheimers. I hoped he would forget that he hated me but no such luck. It's hard to heal. But I'm sending you all the good thoughts I can!
Renee, I am so sorry you are going through this- so sorry for the loss of your brother- I can't even imagine being in your shoes when the er told you what your mom had said- all I can say is big hugs & I know we are all lifting you up in healing prayers & loving thoughts🥰
@Lori Rose Briggs I am so sorry- I don't even know what to say but offer loving prayers & healing for your pain- big hugs 🥰
Renee, this is so much and I’m so sorry you’ve had to (and still are) enduring this! I’m glad you’re here in the healing journey!!! I appreciate you and your comment. You are correct to say they have a favorite child. This has been my experience as well coming from a family of five siblings. Interestingly, the favorite in my family is also a drug addict. I call this the narcissist’s “Savior Syndrome.” If my mother can’t “save the day” for everyone, she knows she can at least save my brother (or so she thinks since he refuses to do anything for himself.) I hope you can find peace, Renee. You deserve it!!!
The phrase near the end "you don't define me" really struck a chord with me. The narcissist in my life has labelled me in so many negative ways and assigned values to me that I never chose for myself. Often using words like "you always say" and "you think such and such" and his favorite, "YOU always accuse ME of....whatever it is, but YOU are always doing it...." yet when I ask to provide an example of when I "accused" him of something he can never think of a specific time. It's just his sneaky way of being critical and at the same time projecting it onto me. I'm the "overly critical" one even as he gives more criticism! These people are smart unfortunately.
This is STELLAR! Every narc magnet needs this on loop in her/his head. Sell this pdf today! Cheers!
My ex-wife hooked up with a toxic Narcissist three years ago. Today she dropped off the dog we got four years ago at my sister in law's. The dog was malnourished with stomach parasites. She took good care of him before he came along. Now nothing matters other than taking care of his needs and he sure doesn't care about a dog that needs attention. It's so sad.
Excellent. Instead of reacting, we should communicate in a peaceful way. It’s hard work but with God everything is possible
I feel like I’m in a a 1-ring circus with a 5 year old clown who expects me to jump through his hoops. It’s his way or no way.
Never tell a narcissist what people are important to you. They will focus and obsess on those individuals to get them to turn on you. They will manipulate and lie to them, tell them you say horrible things about them etc…you have to protect yourself and those people you care about from the narcs crazy triangulation and manipulation against you.
True. Narcs also turn your own family members against you esp if the Narc is also family. This can become a generational thing so it can cause many decades or a lifetime of abuse. Truly disgusting and evil shells
Or obsess that you're sleeping with them
@@shebakali6 This is my experience. And he learned so much when I was doing my Psych degree - used it against me when I needed to try to get help for the marriage at mid-life. Now my children are so screwed up and in a way it's not their fault with the subtle way he played it all - SO tragic - I'd never be able to function if I didn't have the truths of God's love for each of us and and His power to meet each one of us in the midst of the pain and confusion of this life. How I long to have married well with a faithful spouse. In the meantime, Yeshua/Jesus is that in my life. A very tough act to follow. In my sixties now ... thank you, Dr. Carter.
Also, never tell a Narcissist what you love because they will tear it down in some fashion or never do the things you love.
And never tell them what you hate because they will find a way to always do the things which you hate or make sure you have it in your life on a regular basis, you know, just as a "joke"... something "they" can always laugh at..
That's true, my own parents gossiped (a lot was being said) about my husband & I behind our backs to my parents in laws (that we know of).We have done so much for them , we cared loved, spend $, lost $, spend our time, driving long distance etc all these years for them, my sister & her family & so on. I am still angry & disappointed in myself that, we wasted all these years for nothing for family who don'tsee our worth, don't appreciate us , laugh behind our backs etc.No contact with them all. I can't see them , the same way as I use 2, that is now that we are finally both awakened. 🙋♀️ hello from Australia 🐨
Wow, knocked it out of the park on this one, Dr. C! Thank you for your wise counsel! You rock!
It's an ongoing battle until you feel you need to exit. They use empty words that carry no meaning.
Oh just get the heck away from these types of people. RUN.
This is where I am now...I have asked them to agree that we are not compatable, and we need to be decent until one of us can move out. I am so close to the edge of depression and my fibro is off the hook with the stress and fighting. No more. The lines are drawn.
Unless there's a lease, Just go to a motel.
What makes it even more challenging is when the narcissist is a blood relative.
This younger relative got totally wasted on booze at his own New Year's Eve party - to which he had invited me - then proceeded to curse me out at the top of his lungs in front of the entire family which include his firstborn teenage son. His temper tantrum was over a misunderstanding which did not even concern him.
My *"punishment"* for quietly leaving the party to go home early was for him to *"ban"* me from getting to see or talk to his two kids.
His ten year old daughter's mother agreed without even knowing the whole story *"because it was easier to go along with what he wanted"*
Three months later his baby mama finally unblocked me on her phone but the damage had been done by that time. Neither one of them ever apologized.
My relative constantly tries to get me to be seen and not heard by telling me how HE thinks I should conduct myself at family functions while he always tries to be in the spotlight.
He also likes trying to talk down to me like I am one of his kids while in front of them. Any attempt to either engage or disregard him is of course met with very aggressive gaslighting:
*"I was ONLY trying to help so why YOUR attitude?"*
I am pretty much at the point where I am looking at making alternative plans for the winter holidays this year without him and the members of our family who enable him.
@@DrLuke49 I agree it’s so difficult & painful when they are close family members (plus smear campaigns, withholdings etc) xx
Good for you! 👍 I hope 1 day maybe I will find my strength again, but with each passing day it seems less & less likely for me. Stick to your guns. You are stronger than they think!
You mentioned what all this crap does to Fibro...& nailed it there for me too. I too have Fibro, & Lupus also. I'm teetering on edge of depression & just ending the misery. The sheer, whole body, unrelenting pain of Fibro, when the stress keeps it active is unbearable when goes on month after month! Every inch of my body hurts -- inside & out! Lupus has been in flare-up for almost 10mos now & body's attacking me, 1 thing after another. Lupus & Fibro gang up & it's sheer pain, every minute of every day anymore! Ended up in hospital 3x with horrendous infections & major skin (my weakest organ to attack) problems that move all over my body & hospital couldn't figure out what was wrong; what causing all this -- just 1 thing àfter another!! 3x in hospital & they'd get symptoms under control, healing started & send me home. Soon, would be right back in there with similar, but different, symptoms/parts of body gone "haywire"! Finally gott them to run test to see if Lupus in 'overactive mode' -- the Fibro was obvious & in hospital they could give me pain relief I can't do at home. Only relief I've had in many months! That part felt so nice! ~ not a big ball of pain! They were blowb away to find out all the other stuff -- skin infections, feet, hands, all bad & yep. Lupus! Worst "flare" I've EVER had, or they'd seen (after 3rd trip in there). Told husband how bad & that they can only treat symptoms -- need Lupus to go into remission & said for that, stress must be cutback (alot) & cat hair (am allergic) has to be taken care of...brushing cats, cleaning up cat hair, everywhere! He needs to do those things for me to go in remission & be healthy. Narcis so good at faking care & concern! HE has to clean up cat hair all over, quick-brush them & keep them/hair off bed, kitchen counters, etc. (Have 7 rescued cats, mostly outside in yard.) Last discharged late Nov. 2020 & they explained it all to my husband, who acted AS IF cared, understood & would take care of it + plus reduce stress in house, etc. "Hahahahaha!" Not even once! Everything same, except now Med. Ins. won't cover some of hospital bills, or let me go back in when gets so bad!?! Fibro pain came back soon as I was out of hospital & no pain relief shots. But I had 8-10 days break from intense pain. Have to break pain cycle with Fibro. It worked its way back to 24/7 solid pain. He does nothing they said, feels no guilt or compassion. I don't know how someone who claims to love you, together for decades, can do stuff he KNOWS will cause pain & suffering! I could never do that to another human being & feel ok about it - no care!! I've dealt with this crap for many years, but not so bad as this & for so long. No remission yet. Am dependent on him financially & sometimes will help me at home, if feels like it. ("Ego strokes")
Was strong like you once & should have left. I did not & now cannot. I am so proud of you tho! Stay strong & find your peace & a painfree life with love!
Keeping me sick (my immune system's fault) sure feels like a weird type of abuse. Total lack of concern & sees whar it does to me. So I've decided that if I end up back in hospital, thereby pain-free for a bit too, I may try to leave right after sent home, few days before pain sets back in & such. Nowhere to go, but I bought me a tent & cot, sleeping bag & live in CA, so nice weather (hot right now). "Remission" would sure be nice! 😁 Not gonna warn him tho, just go, during that "window of opportunity". We are worth more than narcis can appreciate, right?!
Stay strong & break free!! All the best to you!
@@SnarkasticSunny could you go to a safe house straight after next hospital visit? Could you rehome your cats first, saying the doctors consider it essential (get back up in writing from one of them). The narc won’t care if you have 100% non-stop pain and suffering, probably enjoys it. Remember what Dr C said; it’s an arrangement, not a relationship. Words (nice ones) from a narc can have zero meaning or feeling behind them and are simply a tool for them to keep you fooled/hooked. They have words aplenty too, smokescreens for their lovelessness. No one can cope with the stress of contact with a narc without something breaking down, physical health, mental health ... I think if you can make your escape your main focus and keep it from everyone (some of your most trusted f&f may think they are doing ‘the right thing’ to warn the narc and he may well have them fooled too), you just may find a slow but steady gentle healing 💖🍀💖🍀💖
Wow, everybody in the world should hear that. Great. Thank you very much!
So pleased!!
I’m a little late viewing this podcast, however, Dr. C dropped the mic with this one!
Thank you for this video. You have helped validate my recent actions.
My narcissist got drunk at my church rectory open house and told my treasurer who writes our checks that she is an fing bitch...full throttle.
He has been trying to destroy the relationship that I have as the organist there. I beat the ears of codependency back every day all the time. Thank you again, peace is coming my way.
Omg this is so good! I’m going to write down that comeback about “I understand that you want me to feel…..”. That was so dang good!
It took time, but a strong moral upbringing helped me overcome
those who want me to do things against my beliefs. Being yourself
is the most important thing you'll ever do. Being me is more fun than
being a robot for those who just manipulate others... Good luck with that...
They look past your triumphant moments in life and try to recenter your attention on your faults and their triumphs, even sometimes to the point of taking credit for your growth as they still try to block it.
So true.
This is so true. And they pretend/claim to be so nice at the same time - suffering to instruct someone as thick as me, just for my own good.....urgh....
During Trump's presidency people kept calling him a narcissist. Made me curious what a narcissist was. I searched it on UA-cam and only a few minutes into the video the hairs stood up on my arms because my mom is a narcissist. So weird to hear someone describe what I went through my whole childhood. I only see her twice a year now but I have my own child. After her Christmas visit my 7year old said, "grandma has really been working on her bossyness". After her visit this summer my 7year old said "she isn't bossy, she's just mean". Broke my heart. I'm still trying to decide how to deal with this. I'm thinking about telling her my mom has a mental illness that she doesn't know about. And we can't tell her because she won't believe us. Would love some feedback. I only found this channel today but it's my favorite on narcissism. Thanks Dr. Carter 🍻
I am my own person and my father does not define me anymore! I will have peace.
I told him that “I will be your partner, but I refuse to be your idiot”. That is what I felt with him. No more, you do not define me, I have felt less of a person when I am around him. No more.
Damn! Say this to someone who can dish it out but who can’t take it, and it will ring between their ears for the rest of their days. Return to your courage. You’ve had enough cutting down. Now, Be the diamond!! ❤️❤️❤️🙏
I know that these words of wisdom from your patients are the fruit of painful experience, struggle, and hard work! Thank you for sharing them, and I pray that others will apply them for their benefit! Amen!
My own revelation that I would like to offer: We are called to love one another as we love ourselves... not MORE THAN! That realization was the beginning of my journey to stop enabling others at my own expense and misery!
I have said to them , i know you wont say sorry and if you did you wouldn't mean It. but i forgive you as i forgive myself.
My heart chipped slowly away piece by piece but now the pieces are coming together and soon my heart will be whole again!!
Dr Les Carter this is hugely complex narcissisism is something that almost floored me. This lecture out of all of them is incredible. One must however ensure that you stick to the truth, and set healthy boundries that accommodate both parties. One becomes very centered on the injustices of one's narcissist and want revenge in anyway possible that in its very nature is narcissistic. So to back your awesome work my advice is in everything you do be honest and fair to both parties, your boundaries need to be just and fair and make sure you always tell the truth. Because no one will be able to discredit you or your intentions.
Brilliant! So appreciated Dr. C!!
Blessings for this validation of human decency.
Once again, such a great video that I should watch again often! It's scary how well you know my narc husband of 31 years & what he has done to me. Knowledge IS power! I can't get away but I can change my responses & reactions to his verbal abuse. Along with a wonderful therapist, these videos are my lifeline! Thank you Dr C!
This is exactly how I feel. Dr Carter knows my ex husband 2b more than I did after 33 years. No wonder there's confusion.
Wow 31yrs you're strong I am in this nightmare 1yr,and I can't do this anymore,I am emotionally drained/depressed feel like I am losing myself.i plan on ending this nightmare soon for my own sanity and peace,last time I try to end it he held a gun to his head telling me I make him feel like killing himself,I think that manipulation made me feel afraid and guilty if I walk away and he does kill himself.😩😫
@@tastesweet9027 good luck to you! The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave! You deserve a better life than that!!
@@sahdogwrangler5594 thank you and you're right about that.
I got the message, "how dare you be you!"
Individuality in any expression is intolerable.
Yet a walking contradiction.
Episode note; we hear your heart. That's why you have loyal followers. That's why I'm here. And I'm not alone. 😉
I told a Narc once that even if he didn't have a dime to his name, I would still love him. His takeaway was that somehow, I knew he was just a regular person....he sure didn't like that and has been punishing me ever since!
I like you Dr Carter: If only there were more people like you in the world. 😊
This is to all my family that it applies to. I'm sick of your needless condescending rhetoric. Your sick, sadistic plots you have for me are not going to stop me. And when the time comes, I will be away from all of you, living happily without you.
They are constantly on the prowl. You better believe it buddy!!!
No one, not even the abused, can convey the anguish caused by a narcissistic relationship. It is an experience time May dim but never erase. You feel forever flawed.
Katey, you may find one of my older videos helpful...When A Narcissist Is Absolutely Impossible. Dr. C
All those messages are beautiful, but a narcissist won't hear those even if they listen to them. They are a broken cassette of their own messages of their greatness and superiority.
I love Dr C's mandates for boundaries and self-respect ❤️
Thank you Dr. Carter. Three years into my wholeness journey and I’m getting stronger and wiser every day. 💙 Peace
Peace to you, Tracey. Dr. C
"You're going to have to look elsewhere when it comes to .. me."
Thank you, Dr. Carter for being a giver of light and empowerment! Thank you for giving from your heart. What a gift to have found your channel.
So pleased. Dr. C
He realy does give his heart for us to survive these evil peopl!!!!!
@@charlottemuller2233 He's a hero to me because not only is he helping all of us with our situations, but he's reaffirming my faith that people can be good and kind - something the situation I was in had severely damaged.
I have heard your heart Dr.Carter and have grown. You have been such a blessing. I have had people in the past say to me, you don’t hold things against people and my thought was I don’t want to be continued to them anymore. Thank You for your guidance and direction you have answered so many questions I have had! I am going to listen to this podcast many more times as I take my note and grow.❤️thank You for making breakfast for all at the shelter
Amen!
I am SO proud of ALL you who have stepped out of fear and in faith at the shelter.
<
You ALL got this!!
Took me awhile to get these heart messages, but when I did, I went no contact. Best thing ever!
Absolutely 💯 right! He tore down every relationship I had. Work, personal, his family...thank God my parents had passed already before I met him. They would be horrified by him
Dr. Carter, Thank goodness for your encouragement for your viewers to find calmness, contentment, and peace, because your words are really working in my own life, and I can say that they are most valuable! Sometimes, pain can bring wisdom, and I hope all of your wisdom is not a reflection of how much pain you have had in your life. ♡&☮︎
My boss is the biggest dickhead I've ever met. You describe him to a T in every video. Thank you!
This is one of your best, Dr. C.
I experienced all of these behaviors plus physical abuse in my marriage. My stbx would never be able to hear these words because he is insecure and would rather live a lie than lead an honorable, moral life. I struggle to accept that the person I have known for decades and claims to still love me will continue to make terrible choices without any recognition of how destructive he is to himself and others.
I can hear this loud and clear. Thank you for the affirmations.
Absolutely SpotOn Doctor Carter
This is EVERYTHING. You have articulated this so perfectly and it’s everything I wish I knew how to say, right before I went no contact for good.
I will always remember these. Dr C. You have helped to give me strength and clear the fog of confusion and cognitive dissonance. So blessed to have found your channel and your amazing videos!
If I had heard this video before I left I would have written it down word for word (after i’d packed that is) oh to see his face - before he erupted of course. So good.
I didn’t have the words when I knew “No More” was my only choice. I just stopped all communications after a lifetime of pointless explaining at age 62! Dr.Carter, you said all the words that I never articulated. It wouldn’t have mattered though. I treasure this post for speaking all the important words that are TRUTH, but never could be expressed, because they would be disregarded.
Those "heart messages" should be one's self-talk (said WITHIN oneself). Telling the toxic person that you're on to them and how you're going to respond is like telling the enemy or game opponent that you figured out their strategy and what they expect for your response. In short, "don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing" A relationship doesn't have to always be about being cerebral (intellectualizing.) When I was a very young lad a wise woman once said to me, "you have to learn to see and not see" Of course, I asked what that meant but she was wise and left that up to me to learn its meaning. Years later, it clicked. SHUT UP and take note of what you're seeing.
Simple example:
YOU: "I know you're lying because you always touch your left ear"
TOXIC PERSON: (Thanks idiot, now I know not to touch my left ear after lying)
Just say'n, If you think telling a toxic person your thoughts and strategy is a good move--then you do you.
I wouldn't give these a clue of anything I'm thinking or feeling, i can't be around them it's draining. All the acting and being careful constantly. I'm washed out over this at 61years. Childhood and a 5year marriage was living nightmares. I've been free since age 42 and watching videos on narcissist past 2years has finally helping me to get a grip of thing's at last! I don't tolerate this type of treatment for a minute. As soon as i see the FAF fake as f I'm for the exit. 😃
Exactly. It's can be your inner self talk. Dr. C
search for “internal narcissist”
Here’s another one that I think is helpful: “Never interrupt the enemy when they’re making a mistake!”
Sometimes just sitting back and listening provides you with the weapons to defend yourself.
@@terrywade3696 SO good! Thx
Dr C, These are heart felt messages that I may never have the opportunity to actually say to the people (family) that have caused unspeakable hurt and suffering in my life. However I will continue to review each and every one of them in my own heart and as I do I know I will grow new and healthy pathways in my own mind and life choices!!
Thanks again for your help today ☺️🙌🙏