When the golden child grows up
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- Опубліковано 2 сер 2021
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I was the golden child but I felt so guilty I called my parents out. Now I'm the scapegoat. I don't regret it even a little bit. Its one of my proudest moments.
I am scapegoat and I think you didn't even any idea what we suffers that why you are proud
On behalf of the scapegoats, thank you
@@SumitSharma-yr1lu as the scapegoat, I can tell you the golden child can become the scapegoat. It happened to my brother as a young adult when he had some personal failures. The behavior he and others described to me was a mirror of what I went through. I did not observe it as I mostly cut my family out of my life after becoming an adult.
It's amazing you had enough self awareness as a Golden child as many don't.
@@patrickledonne5547 yup they can switch happened in my family. Psychologists do mention this. It's all about narcissistic supply.
you know you're the golden child ..when that fall from grace feels like freedom to be who you are without the expectations of being perfect
Makes sense
Absolutely
Amen!!!
Whew!!!
Exactly-
The golden child informed me that I was secretly called the black sheep. Throughout the years they've systematically sabotaged every relationship I've tried to build.
This title caught my attention. My brother and I were scapegoat #1 and #2. As the oldest I was #1. Our sister who was 10 years younger than myself and 7 years younger than our brother. She was everybody’s golden child , she was the sweetest child. She was so intimidated by my mother and she tried to be very compliant. She was very aware of the wrath my brother and myself received and she was very loving and kind to us. At 6 years old she developed a malignant brain tumour which turned unto bone cancer. She died @ 8-1/2 years old. During an argument with my mother years later I was told , as far as she was concerned, the wrong daughter died.
I’ve always wondered how her life would have played out. I have missed her all these years ….. I am 74 years old now.
Oh God ....poor soul ...i genuinely hope you have healed ....may she rest in power and peace 🌟
That's very sad. She was a good child, most golden children aren't like that. I hope she rests in peace and I you and your other siblings are fine wherever you are
Oh wow... South Korean actress' mother told her the exact same sentence. Later, she went all the way to China to become more successful and maybe get some distance. And then she went and got maried to a seems to be sweet guy but was seen holding hands with another girl right before his wedding day. And it sounds like he's M.I.A if he go back to China to film stuff.. She has a child with him and didn't leave him yet, but I dunno.......
This is so sad. My 'golden child' brother got very ill with a serious autoimmune disorder at the age of 21. 20 years later, he is not recovered at all. But too sick to work a job, but well enough to cater and caretake for my mother, the (biggest) family narcissist
❤
I was golden child until I stood up for myself then I became scapegoat.
Me toooo - I always fought against it because I was only loved when I played musjc and won competitions- so I became the truth teller scapegoat, my sister ( 12 yrs younger) became the new golden child - turned narc as adult and ran away when mum got ill and I had to deal with it ( I have a nursing background) while listening to how wonderful my sister was at taking care of everything - worse gaslighting ever --- and after she passed I realised i had been in bereavement of my mum long before she passed away but now I don’t have to deal with the gaslighting wounds on top of the bereavement. I did initially become a successful musician but couldnt help my siblings as they were successfully turned against me - I’m so glad it’s being talked about on the internet now because it is awful
@@carlene2416 wow me toooooo girl your so strong I did the same I was the golden child and I didn’t like it so at 15 I just stopped doing everything that made me the golden child so I quickly became the scapegoat and my scapegoat sister became the perfect golden child … now all of my sibling don’t talk to me anymore because I cut off my mother and I’m so happy and feel free I hope they too one day realize how sick she is!!!
Same
Same. I hated the feeling of being golden. Being the black sheep is so freeing.
Although my brother became the true golden child and he's turned into my narc dad truly. Can't stand to be around him now.
Same. I was golden, went to one of the best colleges in my country, failed and discarded. At least, i know who they are. It was blurry back then.
I am the golden child, but I’m the generational curse breaker.
Luckily you are, but it’s rare. Wish for more that open their eyes to it
Me too!
Same. It's a heavy af burden. And OMG... When you stop taking the special treatment or draw a boundary, everything explodes. I had sussed out what seemed to be going on, and decided to see for myself.... I figured it out. :'0... Now we're NC, and I feel both the absence of the affection, the difficulty in forming my own being... so many things... So much gaslit abuse that I didn't even see....No doubt I'm out of any inheritance.... Been doing so much work, so much therapy. Trying. Really trying. It's a lot. Here's hoping for both of us.
@Earthy Midnight Magick because I was the truth seeker I was kept away from all my family..and family friends. I heard people asking “oh we didn’t know you had another daughter”….. as the smear campaign was always (I never knew..until later in life) used on me.
You are blessed being the truth seeker, stay like that!
Yes! Break em down with a domino effect
I was the golden child, scapegoat and secret keeper. My parents switched the roles around with my siblings and I quite often. If I got good grades or excelled in an extra curricular, I was the golden child. If I stuck up for myself, I was the scapegoat and "disrespectful and snotty." I also was the one the adults went to with secrets, and I played mediator for years. The biggest shift was after high school. My mental health tanked and I needed to heal to get better, but suddenly I was "lazy, a bum, worthless, irresponsible, etc." Funny how the EXACT MOMENT the golden child stops pleasing the narcissist, the narcissist completely turns on them. It's impossible to deal with after a while.
I so relate with you .... People change according to convenience
@@_786RP Yes. It's disgusting and disappointing. I hope to never carry it with me
I feel like this needs to be talked about more, how roles can be switched. Also, scapegoats aren't always the innocent victims. I saw my NSIL make quite a past time out of playing victim and getting people to pity her and do things for her, in her scapegoat role. You never hear much about that side of it, either.
@@LS-up7qv Weirdly enough, my own mother does this all the time. I think what you're talking about is learned helplessness, which is never easy to deal with. I'm still unlearning all the learned helplessness that got me through. My mom wasn't the victim, but did this anyway. I cut contact with my family last year (it was very hard) but recently I got a call from my mom's bf asking me to come take care of her because my mom broke her ankle. She has four other children to ask, yet she used someone to reach out to me. I feel sorry for my mom that she broke her ankle, but also felt extremely disappointed and angry that she stooped to involving her best friend to try and get to me. I didn't go help her because the backlash wouldn't have been worth it and my mom is taken care of. Acting like the victim is very hard to witness and deal with. For me, it caused an immense amount of anger and frustration that my "caretaker" was forcing me to take care of her. I hope you get the healing you need ❤️
I see where you are coming from, but I assure you it isn't learned helplessness in my NSIL's case. So much of her behavior can be explained in these videos. She learned very early to manipulate by getting people to feel sorry for her by playing up her scapegoat role. It was a great way for her to recruit flying monkeys. It still is.
My sister was the golden child and 60 years later still is. But she became a narcissist too. I was adopted and the scapegoat for everyone in the family. I have hand me down clothes and as you described my mother never showed up for any of my events and did her best to separate me from any friends. I'm now no contact with my whole family and finally happy to be rid of them all. No threats and manipulation or being humiliated whenever possible. Life is so much better without the narcissists.
Yeah i don't understand this people saying their parents switch, mine never did, Golden was Golden his whole life, me i was always scapegoat no matter how hard i try to please them 😅
Bless you. I understand, I was born into it. Parents both gone now and the golden child became the narcissist. All but destroyed me. I was the scapegoat forever. 4 years no contact. I feel like a Holocaust survivor as my whole family have been wiped out, gone, from the smear campaign; all mutual friends too. Still I feel it's better.
Fellow adoptée here. At some point society needs to have a real conversation about narcissism & adoption 😢
Hit 50... finally went no contact
We have a similar bio, except that I'm a biological child like my sisters and there were 2 golden children
My younger sister is the golden-standard of the golden child. She's amazing. She sees what happened and stands up for the rest of us who are a bit too traumatized to speak up.
You're so lucky..
That's awesome!
You’re very lucky. You must also be a great person, not jealous or vindictive however.
yeah i always speak up when i see abuse. it is like i am allowed too, i guess i am making the most out of my feelings of entitlement :-) The golden child knows how the narcs tic, cause they have been enmeshed.
It's wonderful that you appreciate her, despite the inevitable triangulation that happened
My father destined me for an academic career when I was born. He wanted me to take over his research one day and he got huge piles of narc supply by praising his daughters intelligence. I felt flattered but also very inadequate and uncomfortable. When it turned out that I was not interested in an academic career I went from golden child to scapegoat within a minute.
So so sorry 😞.
Are we siblings? :D I mean LOL, that is my story! I was meant to be a doctor or a professor, but I did not go that way, I am more artistic. I love drawing, singing, dancing, acting and writing stories. Well, it was ok, up unti he thought it should be only hobby. Once I did not follow his plan, I became less than trash for him. And after 2 decades of psychological abuse, where I was so feeling unworthy and he tried to totally destroy me psychologically... fortunately and very randomly :D I found Dr.Ramani´s youtube channel. Suddenly it all makes sense. I went NC with him already. There is no way into his heart, he likes to brag about my sister, who has university degree, although he does not care about her at all actually. But her degree makes him feel valuable, a great father, LOL.
@Julienna SK Hey, sibling Julienna, we are lucky, we got the unique chance to escape our destructive parents and find our own way of living. And now go create something good out of your experiences, that is what artists are made for. 💜
I was the golden child till I turned about 6 or 7 (I grew my own opinions and started having dyslexia/depression issues) then I was the scapegoat for the rest of my childhood so I get it.
I have seen a number of golden children crash & burn when they are separated from their narc parent support (I'm living overseas, and people will move here as a lark, an adventure, as an escape or safe place).. The crash & burn is so sad... I was the "useful child", and even when my golden child brother tried to help, our skills sets were so different, I'm sorry I couldn't respond as he hoped. As an adult... I'm still 'useful', but it would be nice to work on being a bit more fun.
Scapegoat here. Had to go no contact with my family at 16, moved out, finished HS 2 years early with 3.85 GPA. I had planned this from about 8th grade after my father broke my back with ''Discipline''. I took applicable summer school classes that applied to HS, and finished up top in my class in a very small alternative K-12 school. My brother is still the Golden Child and I think he is very aware of this. My youngest brother was 7 or 8 when I moved out, and recently came back for a visit with his new wife. Her eyes got big as we were talking and she finally punched him in the arm, exclaiming ''She's not anything like you told me!'' Mmmmm vindication! Small but worthy!
Wow I love this. I wish I had the smarts to buckle in, study, and get out of my house with emancipation. Wish I was Matilda, but I eventually did it at age 19 when I got my ducks in a row
None of this was easy but it was needed. My ducks aren't in a row, there are a lot of things to learn that we don't while in abusive families. Every day an adventure!@@Greenwitch_Garden
@@Greenwitch_Gardenit doesn't take smarts to buckle down and study....dummy.
The price I payed for keeping the golden child status was way too high, my narc dad even threatened me with "demotion" multiple times ("I can just ask your brother to order items on his name for me, you know. I don't have to talk to you!") whenever I set boundaries. Now I am 6 months no contact and I am still the hard-working student I am, but I am getting good grades for myself. My successes are mine - and my failures as well. It's so relieving.
This is good. Keep it up ! 🙂👍
That sounded misogynistic
I had the same treatment from my dad. "You dont want to go with me to the store? I'll just ask your sister instead". Of course as a child I learned to comply. You see how your sibling is being treated and know it could flip in a second and you'll be the ignored one. As I got older, I cared less and less. Then he cheated on my mom, had a son (which he always wanted) who became the new golden child to his half sister. Now my dad basically ignores all of us. I know why he is the way he is (child of an alcoholic father, narcissistic workaholic mother) and I've accepted him for who he is and don't take it personally. He does it to everyone in his life and I feel bad that he can't have close relationships with anyone. It's sad seeing how this pattern repeats over and over throughout the generations.
good for you! its not easy!! 👍👍👍👍
@@deborahelizabeth7012 it sounds like he'll die alone.
That would be my sister and she’s a horrible, sadistic narcissist. She bullies and abuses me every time I see her and my parents don’t even see it. They think it’s just sibling bickering. Thank you Doctor Ramani ❤️
UNFORTUNATELY, they DO SEE IT❗That's why she's the GOLDEN CHILD. 😧
@@ysmithriley I never thought of it that way. Thank you for that perspective.
Wow! You sound like your talking about my sister! I've walked away from her, terrible person, poisonous. If things don't go her way, the rage is on a different level! I'm thankful every day, there's no contact!!!
I am so sorry. My sibling is a narcissist and treats me like crap.
Wow that sounds just like my sister.
I was a golden child during the primary and high school. Then, in college I got an autoimmune dieses and became unworthy to my narcistic parents.
I'm so sorry
Yes, you’re only the golden child as long as your parents, or parent, thinks you’re making ‘them’ look good! Since they don’t truly ‘love,’ as soon something happens that they can’t deal with, it’s over like that! It’s horrible! I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with these parents!
I was always the ‘scapegoat’ in my family and saw everyday how the golden child was treated. It’s incredibly hurtful, as I’m sure you found out
Your story is the same as mine
Not dissimilar to mine either
This video makes so much sense. Only child here, so I shared most of the roles with my Mum, but I was the golden child through much of my teens. It all fell apart when I went to Uni and accidentally eclipsed him - all support cut off and cast adrift in early adulthood. Back then I couldn’t understand why, but now it begins to make sense. Since losing my Mum (to autoimmune disease) a big issue has been my guilt- not wanting to deal with him but feeling responsible because I’m the only family he has.
I was the golden child for my alcoholic/narcissistic mom. I just remember pressure and guilt. Now as an adult, I have such a crippling fear of failure and believe that love and affection are conditional based upon my continuing to be “perfect.”
Regardless of these roles, being born to this kind of family system has been a complete and utter nightmare for me and I am endlessly questioning myself, every decision I make, and questioning whether "I am the narcissist"
If you're asking yourself, you probably aren't.
Hi. Everyones a 'narcissis' because as humans its natural for us to be self focused. But some ppl are extreme with it, they have a parasitic energy to em. Like they may have soul fragments and entities leech on those wounds that havent been healed.
My sister was a Golden Child, and my narcissistic mother succeeded in turning her into a narcissist. They are both nasty pieces of work that destroy the lives of others. They are not the only narcissists in the family. Narcissism begets narcissism. Children of narcissists take one of three paths: 1) they become narcissists themselves, 2) they become brainwashed by the narcissist and, thus, behave like a narcissist, or 3) they realize something is wrong in the family system and eventually identify the problem as narcissism and try to mitigate the damage and/or break the cycle.
I was 2) then I became 3). My GC brother is 1) and very unlikely to progress to 3)
Same situation with my family. I do also think that some children of a narcissistic parent can continue the cycle by ending up with a partner that’s narcissistic. That’s what happened with one of my siblings, the other became a narcissist themselves, and I was the one who saw that something was wrong, and got out.
Yep, I was there as a scapegoat because I refused to accept what was going on. My sister got everything, but she didn't have friends, or they didn't last long. Nothing has changed, people still avoid her. She married a slimy dishonest character, he tried it on my my ex-wife, I didn't believe her, but then he tried it on with my ex-girlfriend and he got creepy with my sister in law.
Love!
THank
This happens in classrooms too. Some children with good grades are treated as golden children by the teachers and they develop such unhealthy levels of confidence in themselves. A rude shock is often waiting for them after graduation, as the real world is very different and far more brutal than academic settings.
I disagree. High school is easy af but no job I ever had was as difficult as the college lifestyle, especially doing it alone. At least you have some money if you work.
@@kaedatiger Well that depends on your job I guess.
@@vacationeyes6430 And what college.
While people like me, (constantly screamed at when I don't instantly get what mom said while "helping" me with homework) are put down because I didn't turn it in and I still don't understand.
I was always the golden child for my teachers, almost every single one of them. While it was great to know that they were eager to teach me and listen to my questions, they also put me in a difficult and awkward position because they kept praising me while asking why my friends couldn't do the same. I was lucky there weren't any potential bullies around but I'd never know if some secretly hated me. :/
But I think young teachers these days probably know better not to praise one while condemning the rest when it was supposed to be a place of learning for all...
My brother is the golden child. He's a functional alcoholic just like my mom. He's seemingly allergic to differences in opinions just like my mom. And I don't speak to him anymore. Suddenly when I did that my own life improved.
I’ve been the scapegoat and my brother the golden child. Now my brother is an arrogant jerk and a narcissist. It’s taken me all my life to figure this out. It’s never to late as I’ve learned to understand what’s going on. It does help to understand and take the blame off myself.
the great thing about siblings is you don't have to see them!
@@themudpit621 Yep and that’s just fine with me! 🤣🤣
I'm in your position and it only took me 50years! After mum died I thought I'd watch him blossom from under her apron strings, unfortunately he picked up where she left off. And he calls himself out on it! From a guy with solid job and pension he's gone to jobless drug addict. Mum's cushioned his secrets for so long now she's not there they unravel. But I can't enable him like my mother did. Too much abuse made me decide no contact.
@@phoenixkaliI’m similar, now 56 and only finally identified my mother as a covert this last year. She died 17 years ago and my brother, who was the golden children turned into an alcoholic soon after. He died 2 years ago from a stroke. He had demons but he wasn’t a narcissist as he spent his adult life being a wonderful brother and making it up to me - atleast that’s what it felt like
Get even wiser amd dont buy this birds schtick.
Read up on Dr ramani riviera here.
Thanks for explaining how the Golden Child also suffers. My scapegoated sister thought I was the winner and she was the loser.
But there are no "winners" in a narcissist family dynamic. Only a bunch of innocent people crippled by the narcissist.
The most ridiculous part is even the narcissist doesn't "win." Even after causing all the turmoil to get narcissistic supply, they remain troubled and unfulfilled until death. Their souls are like black holes.
It's true. They suck everything that's alive.
Your kind to have empathy for your sister
This is a really good way to put this. No winners, just sufferers.
Why did my creator have to have a black hole for a heart?
So true. And sometimes you can be alternately Golden Child or Scapegoat, or other to various members in a dysfunctional family.
When the golden child finally wakes up.. they realize that they have no independent identity.. they become guilt ridden, lost and in some cases stuck in not so great life choices.. and are more prone to be a prey for narcs..
Very accurate.
There's another version... golden child does not wake up. Golden child has a dual personality, and enjoys being a COVERT narc. Enjoys hiding behind the golden child persona while manipulating, dominating and inflicting pain. Grows to enjoy this sadistic behavior, is completely aware and determined to hide his true self at all cost.
It took decades to unmask who / what my oldest male sib is, and its truly scary. I finally unmasked him and in a rare instance he revealed his true nature and it made my skin crawl. He is an empty vessel carrying the heart of a snake. Everything is an act, there is nothing real; other than his desire to manipulate with the goal of inflicting pain.
That’s me
So true, questioning everything etc.
So sadly true.
My sister was the golden child, but she always knew and always protected me as I was the scapegoat. She grew up to be her own strong, successful human and left on and of her own agency. RIP
I'm here picking up the pieces my father left us with, her hatred for him was palpable and rightfully so. She and I grew up very close, my father wanted to destroy our relationship so badly. It's disgusting, so much anger towards him for all he did to us.
My dear Mum was the glue while my father repeatedly tried to tear the family apart. This was pointed out to me by a school friend of my younger brother and after the death of Mum. Bless him for being open and honest- which has never been commonplace in the family I grew up with. Where my abusive father failed my narc sister has finally succeeded. She’d been ‘quiet’ as soon as she got engaged at 22. Even before mum was cremated over 30 years later she started up her fxckery that I had not been subjected to for all that time. But started off going straight for one of my kids is who battling a life threatening medical condition. I was too lost in grief with Mum (and getting over the domestic violence abuse my father subjected my dying mother and myself and an older brother to- while we cared for Mum), to realize my sister was spitting venom at me. It took her to do it about my husband then me, lying about me to another sibling knowing he would abuse me, that I realized what she was doing. She told me to fxck off and grow up and get over it. I told a cousin, it got back to my sister. She then organized the spreading of our mothers ashes but notifying me too late knowing it ensured I could not attend because of not being able to get a flight in time coz if the pandemic and then actually told me I was not welcome. She then said “you’ve made everyone’s life a misery”, then said “it’s your fault mum suffered as she was dying and it’s it’s your fault Dad treats you the way he does”. My dear husband heard that last bit. Since denying me to spread and not even get any of my dead mothers ashes yeah that’s a “you’re dead to me” offense. 🤷🏽♀️. Now I feel less (zero) towards her than what I now realize that she has felt of me all her life- contempt and just something to use abuse and accuse. It was only coz of our mother that I gave her a 2nd chance after she asked me to be her bridesmaid, (instead of telling her to do the world a favor and take a long walk off a short shark infested pier), when she suddenly stopped her violence and abuse. I’ve grown and I’m over it- it being her whole toxic existence.
@@ZLLi661 narcissists are never easy to deal with. My sister & I suffered at the hands of our father too. If it wasn't physically abusive, it was psychological and emotional abuse. He is a horrid man. He gets pleasure out of seeing others hurt and loves destroying people's reputation towards those who love them. He is simply a miserable sod. I'm still dealing with anger and I'm 46, thought I had worked through it but he dug up more trauma and I'm working through that. If I could trade off his life for her's I would. But I can't.
Sending so much love and light your way, remember you're a survivor, not a victim and no one can take that away from you. ❤
I'm the scapegoat in the family. I just straight up said no. I won't take care of you mom and dad. You have caused to much pain and suffering in my life. I will not to take care of you in your old age.
@@deena7155 I'm proud of you for taking a stand and enforcing your boundaries, let them deal with the consequences of their actions
@@KoiAi_ thanks and I meant it. My dad literally said to me. "I remember you. You were the one who said you were going to take care of me in my old age". I said "that's before you made me a throw away child and dropped me off on a dark highway in the middle of no where at 15". And I didn't. All the way up to the day he died which happened on Oct. 2023. Honestly really I feel like it was just bait. If I had I still would have had the same cruel manipulative scapegoating father results. Nothing would have changed. Ever.
My older brother was the golden child. World class entitled jerk pretty much sums it up, he’s loudly bitter that the adult world doesn’t cater to him the way our mother did.
The Golden Child Narcissist learns while growing up that whatever cruelty they impose on another, even OVERTLY, that they are the one who will be protected.
So true. Narcissistics parents are like Dr Frankenstein and their little monsters
Yep, I was the scapegoat (still am) and my youngest sister in a blended family (so she was the only one that was theirs) was allowed to do whatever to me and it was fine. We were 5 years apart and she learned how to make my life a living hell. It didn't matter what I said...I was never believed. I would hide or spend as much time at someone else's house as I could, to get away from my family. Oh and she wasn't the smartest or the best behaved. I spent my life until my mid twenties trying to do everything I could to get my parents to love me. I did every chore in my house, etc. It never mattered.
She's still this way today. Thankfully I don't live in the same area as most of my family so I don't see them much.
when something should be obvious but you need someone to spell it out for you! thank you - mind blown :)
And they are always protected.
My narc mother keeps protecting all my narc sibling's abusive behaviour, even when this golden adult child narc abuses her. I don't get it.
@@ts4686 Same here. The moment we stop wanting to understand this bizarre and toxic situation is the moment we begin to love ourselves. Long journey but worth every single tear you have ever shed. All the best to you!
My late baby sister was the golden child. I believe she was on her way to the “gold standard”. I sensed a tremendous amount of growth in her just before her passing after having been through some personal trauma of her own. (A circumstance where someone treated her the opposite of special or prized in a toxic manner.) I will never forget when we had a conversation about our childhood in that household and her analogy of our triangulation described as a horse costume, with me as the tail. She said, “I didn’t realize back then that things weren’t fun for you. I simply thought of us being “in costume” together, not realizing you got the hot smelly half of the suit.” It made us both laugh, but showed me she’d finally developed some empathy: a gift my dad the narc could never give her. I will always be proud of her for that.
💚
You overcame the burden of being the underdog from what you say. You are strong, have a loving heart and a harmless person. More power to you. 🙏
@Linda Pierce thanks, it really was🥰
@@Linda2 thank you! When you put it that way, I guess it’s true. Never considered how much healing I’d had to do just to have that conversation with a smile. Gives that memory a little more luster☺️
🌼🌷 Thanks for that.
My older sister was the golden child. My mother crippled her. As the truth teller/scapegoat, I was conditioned to independence and to leave. My sister still struggles with depression and other issues as a result of being a golden child - as well as with the occasional narcissistic trait flare ups.
Yes! I was the golden child and I am so messed up... I was always traped in doing what my mother wanted...always winning prizes for her to be proud...my sister escaped faster, as an adult I became to have abusive relationships...the last one almoust killed me, he was a violent narcissist, it seemed so familiar...after I ran away...I realised all the trauma...and now I try to heal...
Same! My Mother crippled my golden child brother. He can’t hold a job or navigate life.
It’s like you are telling my story! My brother went to private school and shopped for clothes at JCPenny’s. I went to the local high school and got my clothes at garage sales.💁🏻♀️ Your videos help me understand my life and have brought much healing to my soul.
Oh god...that's so my life...private education n best clothes for my brother....local schooling n leftover clothes for me...there is a difference in food in my story though...my mom n grandmom feed him special dishes without the knowledge of me n my sister
If it helps JC Penny's crashed hard!
God be with you always ❤❤❤
Can I ask a question, How was the financial situation when this was done compared to when you were growing up ?
As the youngest of 3 my observation is that parents are in a better financial situation when the younger siblings are growing up. *Sometimes* Its not a matter favouritism just convenience at the time.
I was the Golden Child, but only when I was obedient and kept my mouth shut. I felt huge amounts of guilt and shame because I saw the other members of my family being bullied by my narcissistic father and I wasn't able to protect them. This has haunted me for decades. I have been able to let go of the feeling of responsibility - I was only a child and quite powerless - but I still feel a deep sadness and I see how my sisters have been affected in their lives. I have been no contact with my dad for over 10 years now.
Same my family always expected a lot more of my brother
"obedient and kept my mouth shut" .. that's the trap living on a pedestal of the parents and also not avoid what happened to the scapegoat. Freedom lies in living your life for you and not for them. Good luck :)
I am the scapegoat child, its not much fun either. I have no contact with either parent and wish I had given up earlier.
It wasn’t your fault. It was your parents responsibility to a safe person. No kid should even have to protect their siblings from a parent.
I had a similar experience. Besides, when I was a child and tried to protect my scapegoat sister, the narcissistic shouted at me to be quiet and threatened to beat me. I was powerless and could not change the family dynamics.
@@Star-dj1kw 10000% disagree. If the sibling is capable, regardless of age, they should help protect the other sibling. Only a narcissist would keep it all about himself. If you're a teen and you see your father psychologically beat another sibling, and you are the golden child, you should speak up. Don't be so selfish.
Colden child here. Yep, the guilt was horrible when I realized what was going on. So grateful for therapy.
Ye the guilt eats away at stomach and heart.
Me too.
@Rose The Golden child actually didn't live a 'loving' childhood. From our scapegoat point of view it might have looked that way but they had to do the bidding of the narc parent or they would be the Scapegoat as well + they live in fear of that. My mother terrorized my siblings by beating me till I was unconcise, then beat them a little but if they behaved as she wanted only I would be beaten. Once she had them in line she would beat me at lest once or twice a month as an example of what could happen to them. They became the golden children but I knew they were still afraid of her regardless of their status as they knew what would happen if they fell from grace with her. That's not loving them. They played the role well, eventually as teens played her as well + unfortunately became narcs themselves.
I do believe there are golden children who saw the unequal treatment, felt badly about it but really they could do nothing about it. As adults I hope that when it comes to inheriting from the narc that the GC shares the inheritance with the scapegoat. I had a boyfriend who's father was a narc, just horrible to him, for some time he ended up on the street as a teen, got himself off the street, ended up with a good job. His younger sister the GC came to visit him one day, just turned 20yrs to say she realized that their father was an asshole for the way he treated him, apologized for any part of the pain she caused, begged his forgiveness, which he granted. They started a strong friendship at first hidden from the father but after a while she was in her fathers face about it, let her father know how wrong he was, how angry she was about how he had treated his own son. Her father died a few yrs later + no one shed tears about it, not even his wife. In fact the three went out + had a lovely happy dinner together. He said it was like a celebration.
My ex was so lucky in the end to have such sister, I envied him, she became such a strong woman, with great morality.
Is guilt the only way out? Realize the truth that a parent was a narcissist -> feel guilty for how your siblings were treated -> feel guilt for how you've treated friends and family throughout your life -> apologize, finally admitting fault -> growth/healing?
I'm a golden child. I've been going to therapy and doing EMDR for the past few months. I'm hoping and praying I can reverse this.
I am the golden child in my family. I have gone through terrible anxiety and depression through my college years. I always knew something was wrong in me and my family but I never knew what it was. I needed the awareness at the time but I didn't have it. Now, I have just started ny healing journey and hoping I can pay forward :) Thanks for making this video Dr. Ramani. You are incredible! Massive respect
Oh my god, I'm 52 years old and when I saw this video the tears started to flow. Really, for the first time in my life I understood that it is not my fault that I could not save my twin brother from my evil mother. I've always been ashamed that I didn't get to do more, I should have been able to because she was kind to me. Homework and school were particularly bad. I was better at school, learned faster and I enjoyed learning.. of course he hated it... Every single day he was told how stupid he was compared to me. For me, it was my fault that he was bullied. And I've always thought that I must never say this to anyone, then everyone will hate me, no one lets their brother down like that. Now I understand that there are more people who have experienced the same thing. My brother has struggled all his life, I have stood up for him whenever I could. But he had problems with alcohol and drugs in adulthood. When I helped him with money, I saw that he was in pain, that I gave him help meant for him that mother was right. He needed me but hated me at the same time. In 2018, he committed suicide. I remember, at the funeral, the coffin was going to be lowered, not a single tear from mother. I folded my hands tightly, and quietly whispered a prayer, please father-give that lady a heartattack now so she can join him today. And be his servant for eternity. He didn't listen, she's still alive. Hope I meet brother again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a hater, I've spent my life in children's sports and children's red cross. I decided in my youth that I want to help children. No one can help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
Thank you Ramani.
😢 I’m so sorry for your loss.
Your Mother will get hers in time. But your brother is in God's hands now. He will help him.
I feel so sorry for your brother dear.. May this divine soul rest in peace.. I will pray that you will also come out of this feeling very soon because at times we all our situations but can't really work around them.. Tc dear🙂🙏
Hi, i send you a virtual hug.
What you described was same to my childhood, my brother though was four years older. My father humiliated him by making me do his math exercises while yelling at him “look how stupid and useless you are”. They made him leave school to work at 15 , while paying my private classes investing in their expectation to send me to Med School. My sweet brother has Borderline PD, is lonely and suicidal. Refuses to take meds and therapy, turns to alcohol and substances.
That and father beating my brothers at every chance, my mother is covert and codependent and did nothing to protect us, other than soothing us after. I was spared the beating of my father because I was the golden child, but took it from the bigger brother who became a violent narcissist. My good brother always protected me.
The money dynamics you had with yours , I understand, it’s the same for me. He blames me all the time now, insisting that I don’t care for him cause i should be giving time to him to help him heal and not money. But I am a doctor with crazy hours and golden chains, living abroad and married with children ( for making my mother happy mainly).
He refuses therapy but asks for my presence, wants to be soothed and mothered by me.
I made him move and live closer to me , covering all rent and expenses for 15 months, had dinner with him twice a week and quick coffees nearly everyday, filled up job applications for him, searched online for social events to suggest to him, signed him up on the mental health services, payed for his gym, did my best really even if being with him was emotionally draining.
He was never happy, nothing was enough cause he is so depressed that he never left home other than going to the gym and seeing me.
Left the city, moved back with the 3 crazy narcissists,
and told me that I did nothing other than caring for my husband and child, that I made him suffer even more and lost him a year of life. He literally told me today “we saw each other once a month” I don’t know if he’s lost track of reality or what. He loves and hates me.
Needles to say I live in constant guilt and fear for him acting his suicidal thoughts. And still feel restless cause I need to do something, find a solution.
So sorry for your loss. I can’t immagine the devastation.
My brother was the golden child, and often tried to protect me. It never worked. But it also puts him at more risk of gaslighting, because he thought if he just kept trying there could be a happy family. Our nickname say it all "treasure" and "trouble".
Treasure and Trouble, omg. I bet they still deny they favoured him though.
@Transplanted1 these weren't nicknames but the narratives about me were that I am paranoid, sensitive, difficult, emotional and the narratives about him are that he is rational, logical.... You can see that my parents value having no emotions!
Haha. My name is trouble. People actually laugh and feed off problems caused when I dare to rock the boat, stir the pot or mention the elephant in the room. If the narcissistic becomes apopleptic and "offended" at being treated the same as everybody else and held accountable for their mistakes and lies or inappropriate, unfair, cruel and unscrupulous conduct, it is amusing to stand back and know that the button was pushed to detonate their psychotic rage and sense of being entitled to be treated like gentrified royalty or above the rules and general expectations that apply to the "common" and ordinary people. Strip the emperoror of his robes and he or she looks as vulnerable, ashamed and foolish as most of us caught out naked or with our pants down on the toilet. Once people learn to laugh at themselves and admit their mistakes and personal flaws or weaknesses instead of poking fun at other people and parading round like they are worthy of special treatment and a constant stream of praise, attention and validation they are on the way to becoming much more honest and easier to like.
@@SusanaXpeace2u They prefer to deal with robots and plastic toys than irrational, imperfect and emotional human beings with feelings and their own preferences and perspectives.
Hits so close to home! Thank you for sharing.
So heartbreaking as a parent to see other child(ren) neglected over the golden child 💔😢
So true. And also heartbreaking when the other, more healthy yet enabling parent, don't step up but just facilitate the narcissistic parent's behaviour
@@malinliljeblad8875 my amazing doctor sd same thing re my dad not defending me from my narci Mom. I didnt see it until she showed me. Very eye-opening!
@@5DNRG It really is... As Dr Ramani says, sometimes the enabler does more harm than the narcissist. Even though the narcissist's behaviour is harmful, I find it easier not to take their behaviour personal as I don't take anything they say seriously anymore. But when the mentally healthy person (the other parent), who really should know and behave better, ignores your suffering and invalidates you by defending the narcissist, it hurts so much more.
In a way the golden child is neglected and abused too. It is played off against the other siblings, used as a tool to humiliate and hurt them and treated like the narc parents little puppet. Not a nice childhood either.
The neglected child is usually the one who most needs the encouragement, love, and support, but is made to feel less than in comparison to the sibling. Example: Karen Carpenter and her "prodigy" brother whose career never seemed to get anywhere without sis.
My experience as the golden child was quite traumatic and I have spent many years in therapy breaking a very dark cycle and finding out who I really am outside of my father's wishes. He wanted me to be an artist and took it as a betrayal when I decided to study psychology in my 30s. I always felt guilty about the way he treated my siblings and I tried to make it up to them as an adult, but the jealousy and all the trauma we share made it quite difficult. Funny enough, my brother, now in is 40s, has become the new golden child and he is being manipulated in many toxic ways, but being seen by his father now, after all these years, is such a relief that he can't see how much of a pawn he is becoming. I feel helpless and really sad. I still want him in my life, but my father keeps him so close, it has become impossible. I find the light in my line of work, because when someone talks about a narcissistic pattern, I believe every word and take it seriously, there no convincing me that evil exists. I know.
My brother was the golden child, while I was the truthteller/scapegoat. He ended up marrying a very toxic narcissistic woman, while I efficiently pushed away all narcissists trying to court me. So I am in a better place now because I know any narc cannot be remedied or tolerated - they should be eliminated from the environment for others to be able to breathe, live, have joy and achievements.
My little brother was/is the golden child. I never understood why my parents paid for everything for him but nothing for me and my sister. He never had to work, they bought him a car, gave him a credit card in their name, paid for his full college experience, sports, expensive clothes, and anything else he wanted. My sister and I had to pay for our own clothes, work, pay for our own college, and everything else we needed. It always creeped me out how we had the same parents, grew up in the same house, with the same people, but had totally different experiences and opportunities. It was like we were from completely different families but it was the same family. Just part of the mind twisting narcissistic people thrive on I guess.
Thank you for this very validating video!
Wow, that's appalling! He got all that stuff, and you guys nothing?
I've lived the same experience. My brother was always enrolled in activities and they paid for everything. I had to find free things or pay for them myself. My brother still doesn't see it though and refuses to talk about it. He has his head in the sand and now that I'm No Contact with my mom he will just leave if our family is even mentioned in his presence.
narc moms ALWAYS want to compete with their daughters and see them as competition because they themselves are so insecure. im sorry u had to deal with that. it wasnt your fault. you didnt do anything wrong. so dont feel like you deserve less. she did it on purpose to try to hurt you. because she was scared of you being better than her. thats all it is.
My heart goes out to you to you two sisters.
Lots of love
Wow, that is truly unbelievable. I am so sorry you and your sibling went through that.
I was the invisible child until when in my teens and I was excelling in my studies and sports then I became the golden child. However, any 'mistake' or 'failure' would cause my father so much rage and I would be switched to the scapegoat for causing the bad mood in the family. Then my siblings would project their anger and hate towards me for having this status. I lived in constant anxiety for trying to maintain the GC status, the guilt of it and the isolation it caused with siblings. It doesn't matter which role you are in a narcissistic family. Everyone loses and are affected very negatively by it.
I believe and agree with you Nyangi, I am a scapegoat but the toxicity of this parenting is awful to each person, in different ways. Keep focused on your healing.
Thanks that was very well and clearly written.
I have/had the same experience. It’s difficult as an adult that’s seen as the GC in a low income family. My siblings think I get help with things but I don’t and I think all of what you said AND the anxiety of it, makes the isolation so uncomfortable.
Same all 3 roles
I am shocked by all the stories of narcissitic parents and the damage they cause to their children. I had no idea that narcissism was so prevalent. Now I see them everywhere!!
My brother is the golden child and I am the scapegoat because i confronted my parents when they abused.
I am an only child but I can relate to being the golden child up until about late middle school. I'm not sure if this is accurate or even something that can happen, I've always noticed in my life that my mother treated me like a blessing and like I was her little doll up until I started building more of my personality. I'm realizing by listening to this, that I wanted my mother to see my other skills in the same way the empathetic golden child would want their parents to see the other siblings. My mother would disregard any skill or interest I showed that wasn't what she thought was "best" for me. She never really supported many aspects in my life. And in a way I think that was her shunning the part of me that wasn't her golden child. Before I cut her out I felt a lot of her treating me as a scapegoat while also praising me. I'm not sure if it's a combination of her seeing me as her little golden child and understanding that I changed and became the "source" of her "family".
I was the golden child and it was a special kind of hell growing up and even now. The guilt, the shame, the knowledge that I didn’t deserve special treatment are HEAVY. My siblings hated me growing up and I adored all of them. I felt like all the responsibility and all the blame for the family mood was always mine to carry. It was almost constant torture. I spent most of my teen years hiding dangerous suicidal thoughts and intensely deep depression.
I am in the same boat. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to face. I want a relationship with my siblings but our family is so broken on so many levels. I have contacted a therapist for help. I want all that shit my father and mother put in me is broken . It's so sickening to now see what has happened. I just want to go back and heal my inner child. Show her real love and hold her letting her know she's safe. I wasn't always so Golden, I got beatings as well. It was a fucking Christian home no less lol...total mind fuck!
Be proud you had such integrity from a young age. A lot of golden children grow up really thinking they’re the best and their other siblings are dirt, and grow up narcissistic themselves. You defied your upbringing, and didn’t deserve hate. You’re A OK👌
@@rusticrelic9386 I never would have been able to see what role I was playing if I hadn’t decided to figure out Christianity for myself before almost leaving.
That is not to invalidate your experience. I’m still on a journey to full healing.
Totally relate!!!
I was the golden child, but at some point in my teens I recognized how awful my mother was, stayed quiet and when I graduated college left the house. My mom then began to massively disrespect my wife and I've cut her out of my life. My sister keeps her around because my nephews have already met their grandmother, but I have no intention of ever letting my mother meet my children. I can deal with the "blunt" and "thick-skinned" attitude, but I'm not going to let my mom disrespect my wife, over and over and over again.
You saw things very clearly as a teenager and you grew up strong. I want to be like you when I grow up! TY
I regret letting my children be around my narc mom. They don't discriminate. Children, grandchildren and great grand children. No one is off limits
@@reneejames3325 From my perspective, I think one of the worst aspects is the whole "but it's family" brainless loyalty. Being loyal to your family is great, but to the point you're letting a narcissist do whatever they want and you just "deal with it because its mom!" is the worst brainwashing in my family. She can do whatever she wants and my sister at best, cuts her out for a couple of weeks. Wish there was something I can do, but just like with smokers trying to quit, they have to want to do so before you can help.
@@shelbytimbrook2095 it does no good to say anything. The trauma bond or brainwashing is so deep. Especially if you're the golden child. Dark comes to light on every situation. I've heard most narcs die alone
Good for you. That is the way it has to be. When a narcissistic parent disrespect your spouse you have to set clear limits and boundaries with them. I have read so many stories from men and women how their narcissistic parent to disrespects their life and they will not set limits and boundaries. The disrespected spouse does, but they get tired of the Rath and abuse by their spouses narcissistic parent. They finally realize that their spouse will not set limits and boundaries, and they will eventually file for a divorce.
I realise now that I was my mom's golden child. She's a successful academic who is also physically beautiful, and she saw beauty and academic achievement as indicators of worth. I always did better in school than my sister, and I didn't have a weight problem. I'm also more extroverted. My mom definitely saw me as more cut out for success in both romance/marriage and career prospects. This is hard to admit, as I don't think I'm better than my sister. She and I are different. She's the practical one, which is just as valuable. Being the golden child isn't always fun, especially when it's an unstable alcoholic who favours you. It was a rather high-pressure situation, and despite being in an arguably better position than my sister, I still developed and eating disorder and an anxiety disorder.
Ugh that part about the GC being kept on the hook to receive an inheritance. So true for me. My very elderly narc mom disinherited my scapegoat brother years ago, and I'm her sole caregiver. She's verbally abusive, entitled, passive-aggressive, gaslights, the whole works. She's threatened to cut off contact with me if I put her in assisted living, with the unspoken part being no inheritance. This has led me to pause and think hard about whether I want to do that. A year ago I was thinking: I can't lose my inheritance, especially after making it this far. Today I'm thinking: who cares about my inheritance, get her out of here, I'm done. My brother is doing well and finally enjoying his life without having to worry about this.
Let her go. Be free.
Boy, do I know this story. My mom is 88 and my family has held me (the supposed Golden child) responsible for not letting her do anything to ruin everyone’s inheritances. I’ve been walking the tightrope of managing her and yet staying in her good graces since my dad died 33 years ago. She’s very ill now and I somewhat see the light at the end of the tunnel but a scared part of me knows she could still pull the rug out from under us all just for spite. My advice to anyone at the beginning of such a journey would be to let go and build your own wealth. People live so long these days, especially rich entitled narcissists, and it is ultimately not worth it to live under their thumb, sleeplessly worrying you will make a misstep and end up not only being screwed over but blamed by your siblings for causing their misfortune as well.
Sadly, your mother may have disinherited you and your siblings already, but you don't know about it. Seriously, money is not everything and if she is abusive to you get her out of your home. You have done your best and you owe her absolutely nothing. Nothing is worth, especially money putting up with abuse for. You will never have peace or contentment while she is with you. Is money that important to you? Think about it. If you decide to keep her in your home, do you realize her behavior and abuse will get worse?
@Dana Meador , I feel so sorry for you and your siblings. Money is not everything. Do you and your siblings realize your mother may have disinherited you and your siblings already and you don't know about it or have disinherited your siblings already and left you as the primary beneficiary? No amount of money is worth your peace and sanity.
Dude are you insane? Literally the ONLY way to live is to know, to really accept, you will get nothing by way of interitance. Nada. It will all get spent by your crazy old parents or used up in health care, or go to some crazy gold digging step parent. LET IT ALL GO. You aren't entitled to a thing. It aint YOURS! THEN, and only then, are you free to live, and free to give.
What is interesting to me is that the golden child doesn’t actually earn that title. I was the a grade student but that was expected of me .the golden child just coasted for no reason other than being the favourite since birth simply due to him being a boy as that was the preferred outcome to them
@Count Dracula in my case it was just that my mother “doesn’t like girls” which she reiterated many times to me as I grew up. On top of that tho my parents are Jehovah’s witness’s so boys are above girls in pecking order and things they are allowed to do. As a child one thing that stood out as beyond offensive was an elderly lady having to cover her head (with a tea towel!!)to pray in front of my younger brother who was 11 maybe 12 at the time. Because he was baptised then it meant she had to show subservience to him. so everywhere I looked as a child I saw that females were frankly not valued
In my case it is my parents first born child that is "The Golden Child" even though she is the most decieptful and not a high achiever! ?
ENTITLEMENT - it’s born deserving
@@MSAMBERDOGGIE it’s amazing to hear everyone else tell the same story, or similar stories. It’s so sad that this dynamic is so prevalent
I'm from a large family, we're 70% female; so any boys born are treated as little princes.
Golden child's to me seem to live in denial or are delusional. They never suffered consequences for their actions as children and why should they have to when they grow up. Cheaters, liars, stealers, manipulaters, gas lighters, alcoholics, gambling addicts and drugs. The most selfish people and when you confront them about their actions they flip into rage and call you paranoid and delusional. The golden child is impossible to have an adult conversation or deal with even the slightest problem maturely. They can be extremely scary people.
I used to be the golden child in our toxic family system and when, in adulthood, I refused to be my parent's extension, I became sort of an invisible child. I have always felt really guilty because my sister has been scapegoated her whole life and when if I rebelled against that multiple time, nothing has changed. If I never was born, her life could have been possibly much better. Both of us happen to have very similar debilitating mental illnesses but my sister hates me and has tremendously disrespected me since ever. There's no one in our family for me nor my sister. Thank You for Your support
Well, scapegoats can develop narcissistic personalities out of trauma too
Everything after your 1st sentence is describing a person w/NPD.
So I'm going to disagree with the 1st sentence; because that's what they want you to believe. Narcs know exactly what they are doing, its not an accident that they keep manipulating and inflicting pain. Don't ( enable ) give them excuses.
You used the word 'scary' so I'm gonna repost this here...
Golden child has a dual personality, and enjoys being a COVERT narc. Enjoys hiding behind the golden child persona while manipulating, dominating and inflicting pain. Grows to enjoy this sadistic behavior, is completely aware and determined to hide his true self at all cost.
It took decades to unmask who / what my oldest male sib is, and its truly scary. I finally unmasked him and in a rare instance he revealed his true nature and it made my skin crawl. He is an empty vessel carrying the heart of a snake. Everything is an act, there is nothing real; other than his desire to manipulate with the goal of inflicting pain.
Well Said !!! You Hit The Nail On The Head !!! ❤
you have it nailed . My brother is 8 years younger I am 4 years older than my sister. the youngest boy was the golden child ... or as I always told it " the only child " . My father kinda lked my sister but my mother hated us both . she treated him that way until 93 when she died .
I was the golden child. My sister and I were very close in age. I never bought into this "golden" role. Sadly, my sister died young due to the abuse that she suffered. She passed away 12 years ago and I still think about her every day and to this day I cry with anger and frustration whenever I think about how badly she was treated and the adults who knew and did nothing.
My brother was the golden child. When I would visit my mother, I was made to clean the house for my brothers arrival. Like the king of England was coming. He also got to shop at the expensive stores growing up and I had to wear little old lady clothes from the thrift store... I could go on and on.
Same here, even now when we're all grown ups visiting her with our own families, she's ordering me to serve my brother and shames me if i don't. It's embarrassing to watch. I won't even go to her funeral. Honestly, i can't even say i love her anymore. My childhood pink glasses have fallen.
@@sabat8068 I am so sorry. So sad.. childhood pink glasses... heartbraking.
You’re not alone....same thing happened to my husband.....he had to clean the basement floor with a toothbrush for GC graduation party
Same here, the boys were waaaay more important in our family! The girls waited on them , took care of them, ironed their clothes. ( per our mother) they got all the privileges! Now my mother is 96, my father has passed, My one brother is still the ‘golden child’. Whatever he does my mom thinks he’s great. The girls are the ones who have been here all along managing our aging parents, but he shows up 3 times a year, and it’s like the prodigal son returns. He has no problem being the chosen one, and doesn’t get why we are upset 😱
My story is very similar. I am adopted. My older brother, their biological son, is treated like a king while they treat me like a second class citizen. This started from day 1, from age 8 when I got adopted, still continues to my adulthood…My brother treats me like I don’t even exist. This really messed me up. I don’t understand why they even adopted me.
28 year old “golden child” here unfortunately. I cut them out last week. Plenty of recovery and healing ahead of me, but I couldn’t be happier with the decision. I just want to look forward to life again.
Power-on!
🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾
Lucky you. I am 28 too and still in family enviroment... Wish you all the best for your future
Good on you🙌
YOU CAN DO THIS 💪🏻 your challenges were different than mine, but they are just as real and you deserve a life you can look forward to.
- a random scapegoat on the internet
-
Damn this hit home. I was raised by two parents with narcistic traits. I was the golden child for my father because I have a high IQ and did well at school and my sister was my mom’s golden child. I however, didn’t want the praise. My sister did. My sister stayed the golden child until my moms death. When I was the one who moved back home to take care of her when she was sick. I have no desire in contact with any of my family members as narcissism runs in the family. I didn’t emancipate because I didn’t want to hurt my grandma, who was an amazing person but she is now dead and I am now looking with a lawyer to formally and legally sever ties with my entire family.
My brother was the golden child who was on the razor edge verge (at 40) of becoming a full blown narcissist like our mother. The thing that saved him was having everything he had worked for in his career come toppling down overnight. It was the best thing that ever happened to him because through that drastically affected his ego. He’s now much better.
I was a Golden Child with tremendous guilt for my siblings' treatment even while growing up. After years of therapy, I've repaired my relationship with my brothers, but not my narcissist father. I hate looking back on my childhood and seeing the unearned favoritism compared to my scapegoat brother, it's an extremely upsetting history to carry (for all of us). Therapy, therapy, therapy saved my life and my sanity, and gave me back my sense of self.
I was very encouraged by the fact that you were able to repair your relationships and recovered your sense of self. Thank you for sharing.
You are a good person at heart. Some GCs feel no guilt
@@skylark2112 I'm not a GC, my family dynamic's a little different. But I did appreciate your comment and thank you for the kind words.
My life, the rest of us don’t matter, even when the golden child screws everything up, they find an excuse, or blame us
Golden child here. Enjoyed the special attention, praise, and validation I got as a kid. Started getting uncomfortable and disgusted as my sense of individuality started developing as a teenager and I noticed the obvious preferential treatment. Then, as an adult, when I really became my own person and expressed differences, was faced with rage and violence. No contact as of now, and I feel freer, more clear-headed, and independent than ever. I can be myself without being scared and can actually relax in my own home.
My scapegoat sibling is independent as well, keeping minimal contact with the parent in question, but unlike me feels guilt and shame at not being there for the parent :(
I was and am the scapegoat. I’m blown away by this video and that I always knew something was wrong with my family of origin , but not until recently knowing what it was. Thank you! I need your course 💜
I’m surprised you haven’t seen our golden child glowing from space. My half-sister defined by her mother and my father the enabler. She’s the worst of the three narcissists siblings -never wanting for anything and make it extravagant. And, you are out of line for bringing notice She’s only had one boyfriend that lasted two weeks ,she’s 40. This is a bad case, she has no guilt I’m the scapegoat and have gone no contact for 5 years. Never been so free. I never will have to see her again. I’m Happy, it’s good to shed the leeches of life. Thanks Dr Ramani
>it’s good to shed the leeches of life
I'm going to have that tattooed on the inside of my eyeballs.
Ha! Love your opening. Perfect 👍
I've always said that I survived childhood better than my golden child sibling because I could be openly troubled and he had to keep pretending that everything was perfect.
My elder sister was the golden child. I wanted study pharmacy since the eight class. My elder sister wanted to be a dentist, but her grades were to bad for it. So she chose pharmacy. I had to work while studying pharmacy. She didn't work, my parents supported her financially. Nice isn't? I couldn't finish my studies because of financial problems and no support. My sister is a pharmacist now. 😢
I had a narcissist mother. My father died young. My golden child status was really because I looked like my dad and I had no difficulties in school whereas my two brothers both had difficulties. But the true golden child was my sister. At one point mom wanted to leave all property to me. I told her to divide it up evenly or donate it all to charity. When I set down boundaries with my mother is when I stopped being a golden child and became a scapegoat. My sister still carries our mother’s anger/revenge by disowning all her siblings. Sister inherited everything and uses this as validation of her golden child status. Amazing.
😅 narcissist are textbooks, 2 years ago i finally got the news My mom plans to leave everything to Golden child, the rest 0 😂
My sister is the celebrated golden child. She took the title and ran with it. She was extremely abusive as a child and completely indifferent and neglectful to me as an adult. She is also guilt ridden, immature, and has a weird fantasy that we are somehow close and share an intimate relationship as adults. It was baffling to me until I started watching Dr. Ramani's show.
She is a narc through and through and her family is an extension of the chaos she feels inside.
I wish it were different of course. This status has been so damaging for both of us. Damn the narcissist parent that started it all.
Sounds just like me....and my family.
It's like I wrote this. Sending hugs
Almost exactly the same in my situation as well. But remember, your sister is responsible for her behavior. So I wouldn't blame your parent/s for that because where does the blame game stop? Your parent/s were like that due to their parent/s etc. No, at the end of the day we are all responsible for ourselves.
Exactly the same here as well, including the close and intimate relationship weird fantacy. Sending hugs.
Temi is this you
I was my family's scape goat but also my mom's golden child. My sister was my dad's golden child. Once I started to pull away from my mom I became her scapegoat too. And btw I mean I was the golden child because I became her mini-me, but any time I thought differently it would be hell. ***TRIGGER WARNING***( Verbal Abuse)*** She would even say things like: "Why did God punish me with a kid like you?" "What did I do to deserve this punishment? (Be my mother)" and the one that spins in my head like a record is "Go kill yourself". There ain't real gold in there.
Somewhat similar to what your mother said to you, my mother used to say "I must have done something bad in a past life to get a child like you". She did this because (a) she wanted me to make sure I knew she certainly didn't love me, without saying the words "I don't love you" (because she knew that if she did and if I told someone that, it would ruin her standing in her desired social group; whereas if she just said "I must have done something bad in a past life to get a child like you", she knew she could dismiss that as her anger in the moment and that she didn't really mean it, etc.). She also phrased it in this way because she would never admit to doing anything wrong (in this life).
She also used to _always_ say "You know, I just don't ever feel any compassion for you" whenever something really bad was happening to me. (As a result, my favorite name is "Maya", because "maya" is the word for "compassion" in the language she spoke to me in, and because whenever she said that, "maya"/compassion/a little bit of kindness is what I craved more than anything.
Also, I'm so very sorry that your mother used to say "Go kill yourself". My mother would have been too afraid to say that and have that get out in her social community, so she'd never had said that. But she certainly did everything in her power to make sure I became someone who never wants to live. I'm decades away from my childhood now and death almost always seems like it would be such a gift to me (but I've been too afraid to mess up the attempt to commit suicide to really try it yet).
Hugs 🤗
Hugs 🤗
I actually said to my narc mom (I was about 40), " why couldn't it have been another womb?". I still don't regret it...I meant it. That's honest.
@@soghoshful Yess my mom used to say those things too! I felt the same way about death for most of my life. After last attempt I was given diagnosis and tools to cope with it. I'm still in treatment. Thoughts are still there but I can see then as that, thoughts. Only when I'm very disregulated the feeling gets real again. It doesn't happen as often or as strong anymore though. It's gotten a lot better. Mostly because they are ALL out of my life. I'm surrounded only by real unconditional love for the first time in my life . I hope you find that be place soon too. Hugs 🥰🤗
my sister is a golden child, she knows about my parents being narcistic and when I called her out on being the golden child she could not stand it, and when I told her you're treating me like the scapegoat she became worse. She is doing science stream and I was forced to take business stream, I'm doing my degree and she's doing A'levels.
Mind you I and doing really well in my degree. I'm actually getting 4.0 and she is acting snobby about it saying it's not much. She is now failing her A levels but she's already acting like she's a doctor.
I've refused to tell them my scholarship opportunities because I know they will try to ruin me.
I was the scapegoat. My brother - the golden child. I also became my brother's scapegoat as he learned the behaviour from my narc mother. He now as a 50 year old man, is a true narc himself and there is no guilt or shame that lives in his world. The hell I went through in my life I would never wish on anyone.
It's really difficult to break the cognitive dissonance when you are/were the golden child. I went no contact three years ago and I still have doubts about my narcissistic mother, about her disorder. I still feel guilty for going no contact. I still feel responsible for her now she's old and she's alone. I still cannot see clearly she didn't love me. We were really closed and I feel as if I had betrayed her. My sister (the scapegoat) is happy without her, she's free now while I cannot spend a day without thinking about mum. I have to rebuild all my story because it was a big lie although I feel it really true. I love my mother and I never felt she didn't love me, let alone she abused me. People think that if you were the golden child you are lucky, but it's totally the opposite. You cannot see what is obvious for everybody. You feel totally alone and if you are a highly sensitive person, this experience becomes a tremendous challenge in your life. I hope to overcome it someday.
SAME !!! I Totally Empathize with you.
@@kazbah1217, I understand. That was your reality. I only have to say that not all the golden children are the same and not all the scapegoats are the same. My sister and I have been always really close and now we broke our relationship wirh our mother even more. There are a lot of different stories out there. Good luck.
@@estherg.s.5650 I apologise Esther I'm out of control trying to process all this. God Bless x
@@kazbah1217, don't worry! Thank you so much for your comments! ❤
@@kazbah1217 Why are you projecting your experience onto others? Every human is different. Not all golden children are going to be bullies.
My husband is the golden child and I don’t know how he turned out to be a wonderful person! He has been a consistent guy so far in our 15 year relationship. He distanced himself from his mother but she needs him, he doesn’t need her.
You lucked out.....they are usually awful - stay away from narc mom!
It's ironic. Despite the fact that my sister is much younger than me and I'm male, I think she could be seen as the "golden child" in my family. She is seen as far more accomplished than me by my parents.
I'm the older brother who always goes unnoticed and is seldom praised. Whenever something goes wrong, I'm the first one they blame, even when it might not have had anything to do with me.
"The Golden Child"
You hate me for the same reason you love them
They are human
But I am supposed to be perfect
Flawless
No blemishes or mistakes
I try to keep up this image
Whatever it takes
To them,
Being human is a blessing
You tell them
"It's okay"
When they make a mistake
You tell me harshly
"Get up"
When I fall
So even if it breaks me,
I must soldier on
Because I am not allowed to feel
Weakness, or sorrow, or pain
I must always be happy
Even if I don't feel it
Because your eyes are on me
I am your idol
And I know, as soon as I slip up
When you see me start to crack
You will cast me aside
Throw me away
A once perfect doll
Now of shattered porcelain
Angry, disappointed, hurt
That I lied to you
But I never claimed to be perfect
I only ever tried to fill the need you had
Fulfill your expectations
You got inside my head
Told me I'm not good enough
If I mess up
Why am I not good enough for you
Why do you hate me for the same reason you love others
Why can't you just love me as I am
When I let you down, I regret it
Think about it for years
Because I am not allowed to be human
Being human for me means
I am weak
I am unworthy
I don't deserve to be loved
Because I failed
Failed to be
Everything you wanted
Needed
Expected me to be
I am the golden child
And the golden child
Never makes mistakes
You got me hooked on the praise
Because praise meant
I was worth something
I was special
I was somebody
I practiced and practiced, and practiced and practiced
If I messed up
Repeat the song over, from the beginning
Can't stop until I
Get it down
Get it done
Get it perfect
Never letting up on myself
I must be the best
Because anything else is less
And anything less than the best is failure
I became drunk on ambition
And greed
And jealousy
And self-righteousness
And everything began to pull apart
After rising so high, I fell from so far
And crashed
The pressure, the anxiety, the brokenness
I can no longer numb
The belief that I was the best
I could be perfect
My heart was set and impenetrable
The illusion of everything I thought I was
Everything I thought I could be
Shattered like glass
The castle I built was made of sand
That collapsed on me when the tide came in
I still pretend for you
That I am perfect
Still try to keep up my appearance
But while you see
A doll of perfect porcelain
A shiny trophy
A golden child
Who turns everything I touch to gold
I see only someone who is
Broken
A failure
A liar and imposter
Because this life I am living is not my own
It belongs to someone who is perfect
And that is not me
I LOVE THIS 🎉🎉🎉🎉
I was the scapegoat and invisible child to my parents, my brother was/is the golden child and surrogate spouse to my mother. He was abusive and also sadistic towards me from early on and it needed a long long time to open my eyes and see that my mother out of fear enabled him, rather let me die than being left alone and without his strength. Probably also that he might see he could rage against her.
It never changed and I almost died inside, but also realistically because I couldn´t feel pride for success or that things would really belong to me (could always been taken away at any time).
When I read this though, let me tell you, these are words that I feel from the other side very similarly.
I could never be the "man" for my mother, the protector, the one who wins, who shines, who stands in the light in all his glory.
I was meant to become the admirer of everything and everyone who "made it", who were sucessful. Jealous, greedy, left alone, suffering alone with my problems, suffering for her so she could laugh about me, about my neediness. It took me so long that she always had him, my brother, who was supposed to be with ME, not her.
All the feelings my mother kept hidden deep inside, my brother had to speak out for her, about the lazy students (I always wanted to show her that I can make it for her and didn´t understand why it wasn´t possible) or lazy or stupid people in general. Often wrapped up in sarcastic humour so that the rest of the family would laugh about it and think, hey, he´s a really cool dude! Noone ever knew or believed what he did.
I wrote about all these feelings when I was 15 and also later, often my mother stand next to me, but never asked what I would think, never wanted to hear my poems, I was invisible and between me and the world always has been this invisible wall like made of glass.
The white marble of my skin, I wrote in that one poem that I always knew by heart, is suddenly dyed in dark blue light and for the first and last time the chaos becomes visible that absolutely silent on the outside is raging inside.
My mother and brother never teared this bond apart and he build his castle, I can only assume, but I think it´s pretty safe. They drove me further and further away.
But I guess that he will also feel like an imposter due to this, even if he´ll never be able to cut off or to admit what he did to me. It could have been prevented in the past, it doesn´t happen from one day to another, but there was noone who took the courage or who thought he or she would have the right to say Stop this, this is wrong!
You are right, this perfection they have in mind, it´s a poison, it keeps us from being human!! No more!! 💝💝
Wow! Your angst comes through! So painful, yet beautifully penned..
My sister is the golden child and I think this is exactly what she may feel, but like the perfect Golden child she always strives to project the picture perfect persona ...
@@earthrooster1969 thank you, the realization was very painful and I'm glad that comes through. I didn't know what was going on in my family, it's just the way it was. It wasn't until I left that I started realizing how wrong my family was, myself included. I couldn't even begin to process it until I started living on my own, away from them.
I don't know what's going on in your family, but I wish you (and your sister, if she is willing to grow) all the best. I hope things improve for you. 💜
So beautifully put!! So true! Keep strong, keep standing, and be what you were created to be!
My brother was the golden child, and has strong covert narcissistic traits. He’s now in his late 50s and is a marriage and family therapist. His entitlement, triangulation of my sister, and manipulating ways ended our relationship. Been a tough situation for me, but I’m feeling more relief knowing that I don’t need to deal with him anymore. The golden child role didn’t help him at all. I’m thankful that I was the forgotten child.
I was invisible child too and my brother golden child. My brother grew into grandiose narcissist. And I'm counting days to go no contact with my covert narc mother and brother.
I need to find a forgotten child women or scape goated women 😂. Which is hard because both of us are extremely likely to lack self esteem and confidence to initiate a relationship.
HE’S A THERAPIST?!?
@@nenamichelle Seriously?
@@howto-wiki8291 you're an abuser.
I was the golden child in my family system... it was hard to see my siblings suffer... I carry a lot of quilt because of that... and being the golden child made me an easy victim in adulthood for narcissistic abuse. Because my inner child always wants to please narcissistic people
...now I'm in therapy and I'm in an healthy loving relationship with a loving and caring man. Things get better.
Omg I’m the scapegoat and I wouldn’t trade you places - the other kids were younger than myself and watching them suffer would have absolutely broken me. You’re strong, you’re on the right path, and you’ve got this 💪🏻
This is exactly what happens with golden child guilt, shame, anxiety, confusion. From a golden child perspective, I feel like I was being engineered by my narcissistic parent to be narcissistic. I dont know what happened, fortunately I could see the abuse and then I was cast aside. I cant thankyou enough for saying it so clearly and making me feel seen. I really hope that I to get on path of recovery and balance my self esteem and my guilt.
I was raised to serve my older sister, my father's golden child. I ended up continually throughout life being expected to self sacrifice in order to help her and our father live increasingly luxurious lives. They are both obsessed with money and have both stolen just about anything of value of mine. I was tasked with caregiving for our traumatized mother and expected to be our narcissitic father's caregiver while my sister was off on literally five months of vacationing a year, year after year.
Thank you so much for making and sharing these videos, I can't begin to articulate how much they help me heal.
I hear ya. My Dad and my younger sister (an alcoholic still at age 71) thought they were the greatest because they had money (through inheritance and a wealthy husband, NOT their own hard work) and college degrees. Neither one of them ever worked. They just made a point of looking fabulous and having fun. The huge extended family around them, in the meantime, was looking for soda cans to turn in for money or working for 6.00 an hour and living in trailer parks. My sister still drinks, travels around having fun and looking “special” and showing her kids that alcohol and money are the way to go in life.
I pray for my GC sister. It was easy for me to leave being the scapegoat but she is still there. I hope she can understand she doesn't have to live this way and can escape.
@Mary Carroll Prayer is not helpful in these situations, Mary.
@@PeiPeisMom you just disrespected the original poster who stated she is praying for her sister, and shamed someone for trying to be nice and supportive. Nicely done.
I hope she can understand and escape too Leah!!! My GC has one foot out the door 🙌🏻 I’m sure you are a good example for her.
Never underestimate the damage done by everyday stress over a long period. It will act as slow poison. We never understand how these everyday stress affect us until we are destroyed. Still, you can regain your happiness in life by self healing. Take rest and self care for compensating the damage done to us. 🙂
I was the golden child, didn’t know it until I was 22. Even to this day, there’s still things that I’m realizing and learning about my childhood. And I’m trying hard to fight off the guilt I feel about it, especially when I see my 2 older brothers who been through HELL with her. Here I was thinking of my mom as this great mother with just a bit of mental health issues. But as I’ve learned she really wasn’t that, she’s a broken mother, with unchecked schizophrenia and narcissism. And Dr. Ramani was spot on, I felt ridiculously gross for a while about her being my mother but I’ve learned to accept what is. And let go. 26 almost 27 years old now, and I’m in a much better and stronger headspace than I’ve ever been. And as of today, i haven’t spoken to my mother in 10 years. Honestly don’t plan to.
I have so much guilt for my brother's treatment, I was the golden child growing up, he was the scapegoat, I moved to a different country and now I hardly have any contact, therapy has helped but shaking off these feelings of disgust, guilt and shame have been hard. I feel numb sometimes, I have a hard time when people raise their voice, I feel anxious and very nervous. I have self doubt and a sadness that won't go away.
Also once I left in my teen years, financial support was cut off, it was for the best, it was the best decision I could have made. I am closer to my younger brother (he was the invisible child). Older brother not so much, he stayed in our home country.
You're a good person at heart. My GC brother doesn't give a toss. All the best to you!
@@skylark2112 I'm sorry to hear that, hugs to you. No child deserves to be mistreated.
EMDR, neurofeedback & cognitive behavioral therapy really helped my husband heal
@@godzillamanstreb524 thank you, I am currently on therapy and luckily my awesome therapist is trained on EMDR. hugs to you.
My parents were super tricksters in assigning family roles: I was the first born and golden child in early childhood, then it was my little brother, all while my sweet little sister was the invisible child. Fast forward to adulthood: I left home and quickly became the scapegoat for abandoning the narcissistic family system. Little brother became the invisible child and little sister is now the golden child. I would love to see a video about how these roles can be switched around to the demise of all.
Yes!!!! Id love a video on this topic too. It definitely happens.
Erin, I don't REMEMBER YOU FROM MY CHILDHOOD, but since you know my story you must have been there somewhere. 🤔🤔🤔 It's ALL so confounding!! I was the eldest, golden child until I sensed the evil then became scapegoat when I was about 12. All 7 0f us suffered but I think I feel worse for the GC, child #6, a sister. I escaped at 19, went to college as valedictorian on a full, 4 year scholarship. Had a life, bad marriage - - good kids. GC had all the stuff she described, for real. But she got stuck like a tar baby. Brilliant, computer tech, retired at 40 with a paid off house and no money worries. But she turned evil. Dad broke up her only love interest. Never married, no kids, 1-3 friends, live 100 miles from where we were born. Worst of all she got stuck with elder care of dad, along with a brother who was GC#2. 10 years dad laid there, draining them, physically, financially, every way. I could SEE her resentment toward him when I came to Visit. It was awful.
I had a NAR husband but at least I had God and a piece of life because I did Not become the doormat mom was. Sis has essentially had NO life. she got ALL the extras, support, etc but what a dear price she has paid. I really wouldn't trade my scapegoat life for all the things being "DADDYS PICK" has led her to do to maintain that position, including rejecting our mother. Setting things up legally so after dads death mom COULDNOT get the house, after a 50 year marriage. I could go on all nite.
Nobody got out easy, but GC1 and GC2 sold their souls to the devil. For real.
I remain blessed and continuing the healing process. Ms Millie
This is very similar to my story. Became the scapegoat as soon as I started to have a mind of my own between ages 9-12 and well and truly scapegoated 12+ I was feeling suicidal by 13 and had a first attempt by 15. Was told I was a "bad influence on my siblings" for being sad. Was yelled at and shamed for crying. Kicked out of home as soon as I turned 18, nobody wanted to rent a place to someone that young so I ended up in a youth refuge whilst dealing with the grief of family separation and chronic illness. I was left to fend on my own.
My younger brother was the golden child from about age 9-10 onwards in replacement of me. We both were at the start and my younger sister the invisible. But she always had a mean streak and did everything to get me into trouble.
When I left home my brother was the golden, my narc sister was simply a duplicate of my mother and found value by conforming to that. I found my value by becoming my true self and breaking away from sick family dynamics. I'm glad as my sister has become worse than my mother - all her bad traits rolled into one person. I feel like I took on my mother's good traits as when I was very young I did get her best side.
Going from being the best in their eyes to treated like a demon and neglected is extremely harsh. It takes a lot to move forward but I haven't spoken to them all for years despite the pain of losing family - going no contact is worth it.
Frequently I think of the lyrics of Chester Bennington - the singer from Linkin Park who took his own life. He must have known the pain.
Omg this!!!
I'm very thankful you highlighted the endless ties - not only emotional but also material, and financial. I was the golden child for my father and a scapegoat for my mother and both of these roles combined seriously messed me up. I apologized to my brother for being treated differently than him and felt guilty for it. However, I feel when the roles have turned he relishes feeling in any way or form 'better' than me and actively contributes to having me as a scapegoat whenever possible, which is very painful. I was trying to break free from my father financially but he kept me involved working constantly in his businesses even when I was having a full-time job, independent from him. The stakes and pay were getting higher every time I wanted to gain independence. This month is the first when I have literally given up on an apartment from him, the job I had in his company, and even the mobile phone, just to be able to be free and actually start to live MY life even if this will mean serious struggles at the begging. So, thank you, this aspect is very important and has not been brought up in other videos I've seen. Of course, there are also things like constant enormous pressure, difficulties establishing any sense of self plus - in my case - a lot of people talking behind my back and to my face about privilege while having no idea how difficult and paradoxically depriving of my true self-worth it actually was.
RUN
You have really validated my thoughts and feelings. Thank you.
I was the golden child who became the scape goat as an adult. Between age 18 and 28 I did a lot of awakening and boundary making. And in the end I was alienated from my whole family of origin except for my sister. I have my own family now, five kids 9 to 19 and a spouse who supports and grounds me. I tell my inner child I'm sorry for what happened. And I work a lot on being good to myself and finding my own inner sovereignty. Blessings
My goodness, me too! Same story 😭 I still struggle with it sometimes.
Good for you man. I didn’t really start until 28-29. I’m 31 now, and I still have work to do
I used to be the golden child before my narcissistic mother discarded me (after she found out I had "flaws", like a broken produce in a grocery store). Now I'm in the journey of my recovery after finally realizing the toxicity of my own family. And you are right, I never wanted to be the golden child. And one thing I always remember, I was the golden child not because she loved me, but because she could use me as her narcissistic supply. I also suffered as much as the other siblings.
Hope all is well
I can relate to that! The problem is when both parents are narcissist! You have no safe place to turn to. I hope that you have found some peace. Being discarded by my parents is the best gift they ever given me...they just do not know it...the joke is on them and I do not miss them one bit.
You probably didn't suffer as much as them, but it's not a competition. Every person's trauma is unique and valid to them.
@@chantalhebert2071 'discarded' yeah, I feel that one.
Being The Golden Child did nothing but make me an anxious, guilt-ridden, people-pleasing mess who was constantly picked at if I stepped outside of a particular box personality-wise. Glad to be rid of it.
The golden child is my sibling. Everything you said about resources fit. I would say now we’re dealing with a Covert Narcissist-lies, manipulates, and skillfully slides away from most family responsibilities, while still indulging in all the good parts, and calling the shots to her minions. I got enough distance to be on to it, and don’t feed into it. As a result we have virtually no relationship.
I was the scapegoat and my brother was the golden child. Even though I have a better degree, did better in school, he was preferred because he was a boy. He’s now a mini real estate mogul and still a jerk while I’m trying to live an honest, authentic life and come out from underneath the abuse and painted as the loser in the family.
💪🏿💪🏿
🙏 I have same situation
You are not alone ❤️
I was the golden child and my narcissistic parent poured all her expectation and time into me as I was obedient and too scared not to meet her expectations. The expectations on me to perform was immense and caused huge amount of anxiety for me. Seeing how conditional my parents love was especially with regards to my brother who was the scapegoat, caused me so much trauma and guilt. Also seeing how aggressive my narcissistic parent was towards my brother was traumatic especially since I could not do anything about it as I was the youngest and did not really understand why she treated my brother so badly. I was punished if I did not perform according to my narcissist parents expectations. I had so much pressure placed on me in terms of academics, sport etc.
Yes my older sister who was the golden child, also at times became the scapegoat if she failed my parents expectations. I was the invisible child/ scape goat. It’s not easy no matter what role you had. It’s all about what you choose to do as an adult. My sister was extremely narcissistic as an teenager and early adult now she’s very compassionate and understanding. She’s had to learn to undo all of the narcissist traits that were put on her at a young age. Out of all of us, I have two sisters one older and one younger, my older sister i.e “golden child”, has struggled the most in adulthood, she has very poor mental health and still lives with our parents at 32 years of age, and she is also unemployed. Now, my parents, particularly my father has to deal with what he created.
Thank you, Dr. Romani for this video. It is so accurate.
As a life-long, scapegoated, blacksheep, I gotta acknowledge something else I love about you, Dr. Ramani, that I just realized. The way you speak to us in your videos, is so down to earth. Loving, respectful, and chocked full of "REAL" reality. You tell it as it is with no fluff or embellishments. The work stands on its own without glory-seeking. That to me, Doctor Ramani, makes you a true badd ass. Thanks for being a big part of my solutions. Listening to/watching one of your videos most often soothe me just moments after an altercation with one of the two(2) disordered family members I share a home with. God bless you, Doc.☺🙏💜👍
I was the golden child. I worked hard to protect others in the house and to do tasks to keep my narcissistic mother calm. When I married and had my own children my mother was enraged at this selfishness. I became the scapegoat. My mother lead a constant smear campaign turning almost everyone against me. I did learn empathy thru all this devastation and studied parenting so I could take care of my own family.
Wow.. am not alone 😂
First hand experience, the golden child turned into maglignant narcissist and the younger sibling are the scapegoat. My heart goes out to the younger brother and his families (wife, boy (11), daughter (9). He was used as doormat and slave until his mid 40s. He finally woke up when he asked for finiancial help and received none.
he had the nerve to ask? Impressed lol.
In my experience, the youngest one in a narcissistic family gets horribly abused. Narcissists are cowards and abuse children. They don’t care about the psychological and physical damage they inflict.
I was the golden child who fell from her pedestal and became the scapegoat. I would like to think I am a generational curse breaker. I just know that I, and other family members suffered due to narcissism in many different ways. We each have our own coping strategies. Either face up to, or avoid. My power lies in never using the language of the narcissistic dynamic. The individual's behaviour simply isn't worthy of response. Grey rock or schmooze Is the best way forward ❤
I was labelled the "Golden child". My Mom would peg me infront of my siblings saying, "why Can't you be more like Judy!!" She set me up to them. NO compassion and empathy from my siblings. I was dis regulated, because of the abuse I endured from them. I get gaslighted by them, sworn at, and chasitized. I never asked to be the baby, the only blonde in the family , who was teased and abused by her siblings. Watching them physically fight & physical abuse me and eachother. I'm estranged from them all for a reason. I'm that woman Doc. I'm healing and truth telling now. My sibs put me on a proverbial pedestal to only knock me down. I never asked for that. I am better off and striving for love & peace !!!
I feel that the scapegoat/golden child scenario in my childhood was ever changing. Is that common? There were 6 of us, so somebody was the revered one and somebody was in the dog house, depending on the week.
My mother was always on the outs with someone, and it changed constantly. It was like she couldn't live without strife. Now I know that she hates everyone except my brother and herself. And random men.
I'm the oldest of 6 also and I'm the scapegoat however everytime there was a problem it was me to be the fixer of everyone else's issues and if I wasn't I was called Bougie,Stuck Up, and BITCH I was called that so much that should have been my name on my birth certificate real talk 🤷🏾♀️
That can occur.🤔
Yes that is what i am thinking, the Holden cold rotated depending on who was enabling my mom
Annie Palmier Narcissists are constantly grooming their fold to become narcissists. No one knowing their spot, helps to keep everyone walking on eggshells. Easier to manipulate and control. You were raised by wolves.
I was the scapegoat when I was younger (middle child of seven), but I really ended up kind of-no really messed up-so I was abandoned or avoided later on due to embarrassment. I REALLY suffered emotionally and I resent that I must take FULL responsibility for the imbalanced adult I became as well as being fully responsible for how my children turned out (pretty good but there are issues). I had five children, and gave them more than what I had to give financially and time wise. I had to heal myself and deal with the shame and guilt of the turmoil I caused as an adult in associates life before I realized how toxic I was. Later, when the older three were adults (big gap between the older three and younger two) and the younger two were still at home, they got better things and more opportunities as I was in a MUCH better position financially and into retirement, so they are looked at as being the two golden children.
Golden children are hated by their siblings so much and this mostly is still carried on in adulthood
Personally, I disagree. I don't hate my sister. Honestly.
The Golden child almost always gets everything and sides with the narc against the scapegoat. I hate my GC brother because he chose again and again to jump in on attacks against me when my narc parents did it. He spends all his time fluffing them up and having them fluff him up. You think being a GC is rough? Try imagining yourself being the punching bag for your entire life. All the GC commenters sound like narcs themselves.
I’m really grateful to my sister who is the golden child she’s reached gold standard golden child status- in our teenage and adult years she’s been so open to recognizing the differences in how my mother has treated us and does her best to support me the scapegoat
You're very very lucky. My mother triangulated all of us so we're not close.
yes nice!!
My brother was the golden child, but it impacted him negatively, e.g., entitled, no accountability etc. Since my mum passed away he's been on a steady decline, there's no one there to make him feel special.
Both of my GC siblings truly believe they are incredibly special. They both struggle with anger, frustration, and confusion because the world does not worship and adore them. Neither has let go of the relationship with our narc mother but she withholds approval now and they _try_ to earn it back.
@Mary Carroll It's easier for a SG to go out into the world and realise they are not worthless after all, than it is for a GC to go out into the world and realise they are not exceptionally special and worthy of adoration from everyone they meet.
Unfortunately it isn't just hard on the GC but hard on everyone around them because they often lash out or demand from those nearest. My GC sister has narcissistic traits that are too difficult to deal with so I've had to limit contact; my GC brother is so narcissistic I have had to drop all contact.
All 4 of us are seriously messed up from our mother's narcissistic abuse and unfortunately the SG/GC stuff really damaged our relationships with each other too. I hoped we could overcome that, but recently had to accept defeat. The damage is too deep. 😥
@Mary Carroll That's awful honey, sorry you went through that! I hope you are out of all that now and healing. Dr Ramani's videos have helped me a lot, I hope they are helping you too. Hugs from a mum in Scotland 🤗
My dad was like Domingo & he were vest buddies, now he is lost, nobody to turn to
@Sara Fox One of my big realisations was not only does 'he still feel superior', but 'I still treat him as superior'! Being a GC set him up to become narcissistic, and having SG me putting his wants before my own needs further convinced him he is superior.
This was exactly my experience. I felt a knot of guilt and shame in my chest loosen as I listened. But also it left a lot of pain. Thank you for making this video.
It's is Spot on I'm so blessed everytime I hear your empathic explanations Dr. It's so difficult💜💔💜
As the golden child, I took initiative to get more things done. I saw my narcissist mother, bully both my sisters, the scape goat and the invisible for being too sensitive. The minute I got out of line, her rage was like something out of a horror movie. As I was pinned to the floor, she then kicked me out, and I was forced to depend on my boyfriend who would have been my husband if my mother did not interfere with our engagement to marriage.
My mom did things like that. Terrible!