@@paolacarmenate5314 me too. (Debilitating illness prevents me from leaving while preventing real healing, physical or emotional.) while I’m stuck here, I have to believe it’s possible to make some progress if not full recovery. Otherwise the situation feels totally hopeless, so why bother? You know?
Sir I cannot afford therapy and have mostly encountered "talk" therapists, that's why I am so grateful for your amazing channel and your suggestions! I have just started but thanks to you at least I know what I need to work on....
@@aphmaphm8598 that's what makes Patrick so special. I hope he knows how great he's being for all of us. He's letting us know we arent alone and he's helping me unscramble some of my emtional mess. I know that its probably best to have someone you can be face to face with, but lots of us don't have that option.
@@traceywelsh9696 yeahhh, and I think it's often pretty cool going all- in by myself sometimes, like crying as loud or silly as I want, and being a kid with paints, coz no one's around laughin, or anythin-in, I mean you don't have to take on others ' emotions, it's just purely you ...seeing your energy shift and change ...I'm saying this, coz at times alone, I felt ....whatever, lots!... kinda went thru layers....but sO cool....I felt like light wings embrace me, once, when I thought I was at rock bottom, nowhere to go, I sorta let go of my head, and it was as if magic was going on, my inner senses started to work, and I practiced being quiet after walks every day, and now I get these inner pictures, like little flickers of intuition, eg a garden, with a spiral stone staircase. . Just like Mr Teal said about not thinking about my feelings, as if love took over😬 oops, bit of an overshare😁💫🎶best wishes💫
Quick recap 1:00 Do inner child work in context of your childhood. 2:15 Find some supportive community. 4:50 Find a therapist where you're doing work not just talking. 7:20 Move your body and get out of your head. 9:33 Find a somatic practitioner (body work). 11:43 Build consistency- do a program. (Good mini habits) 13:40 Nail your family system. (Understand family origin, dynamics, ) 15:40 know what you bring to the table. (Your negative traits inherited from family system) 17:50 Get out. Healing comes later. First cut off toxic family ties.
Of course, that's where all this stuff was created. It's unresolved and replays in our lives every day. I'd think therapist would know that's the root and where it all stems from. I thought it was common sense. :(
When I was 19 I left my abusive dad. I moved to California with my mom. I had made the decision, started packing, and I left. I told my dad I was leaving and he said “well you could have asked” to that I replied “I’m 19. I’m an adult. I don’t have to ask you for shit”. He looked at me like he was in shock and like a month later I was gone. Once I was gone I didn’t see or talk to my dad for like 3 years. Getting out of that situation was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
I have even asked previous therapists for "homework" but the most I've gotten is the "breathe deeply" and generic meditation exercises. Otherwise it's just been talk that leads nowhere. So sad.
Me too. It’s so frustrating to have such a profound desire to shift things inside, to do the work, as it were, and feel like the person you’ve entrusted (and pay!) to help can’t hear you.
@@lovelace8702 I waited for eons to see a female psych ...I felt psychically violated, I honestly thought she'd be kind and warm, it was so clinical, and as it started raining as I left, she said, seeing I had no hood or brolly, " ooh, don't get too wet" kinda laughin like sister ratchet😂I will sort myself out!😂💫or...weirdly I find random strangers are totally brilliant every now and then...you never see them again, and they might be interested😬🎶in a silly mood. I love this guy, he is spot on!🌻
My therapist gives me homework like think about what you want to do with your life . As if I don’t think about that everyday . Then next meeting she doesn’t even ask about it . Assuming she forgot about the homework . Then sometimes she doesn’t remember things I’ve told her . It’s hell honestly 🥲
The peace of 4 years of taking space from the toxic system ended abruptly when back in contact with several family members. I felt so hopeful for connection, that everyone had grown and changed. I've grown and changed and it was a dissapointment to find myself tip-toeing around the old familial attitudes of toxic comtempt. The system has a life of it's own, with expectations around staying in one's assigned roles. The Scapegoat can never go back.
I agree I was separated from my father’s families and mother’s families for many decades doing self care exploration and deep healing and forgiving others and myself, praying and doing intense holistic healing natural detoxification lifestyle repentance integration And attempted several times over the decades even in recent years with the same old elitists arrogant condescending narcissistic perfectionist behaviors and attitudes towards others and especially to me (classic propaganda “we are accomplished perfect ‘normal good people’ ‘we find fault with anyone who has any hardships difficulties and traumas ‘they must be to blame’ the same old narcissism elitism worship of money and socioeconomic hierarchy status shame blame guilt tripping gas lighting manipulation blacklisting blackballed scapegoated It’s a club that I do Not want to be in and thankful that I am excluded from being in !!!! I seek and stay close to Almighty Most High Creator and loving nurturing comforting people 😇❤️🙏👸🏻🥰🙌👏
Thanks for saying this comments like this let me know they might not change and once I leave and cut contact don't look back.here's my story and my daily evidence. the same constant gaslighting,being framed for stuff,lied on,having to lie on myself and even put on acts for people like my parents and getting locked up to fit other peoples agendas. (Do not report this i will not get helped and my family will just make up a lie on me and I'll get locked up in a mental hospital Which is worse than prison.) I have been going through abuse my whole life and now i'm nearly 18.Now my parents can get away with it even more easily. cause my mom has false diagnoses all over me 11 That i know of but I am sure there's more.Which I didn't actually start getting diagnoses put on me till I moved in with my mom for the first time when I was 10 which I moved back and forth so when I was 12 that's when she started getting serious diagnoses put on me.my family takes advantage of those diagnoses so now when someone makes a DSS report or the police get involved my parents can just bring up the diagnoses and the social worker or police won't even talk to me or look at my video evidence going back to when I was 8 over 320 Videos.My parents just say I am "hallucinating,delusional,manipulative,lying" the list goes on with excuses they can make.here are the people that are calling me crazy (THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ME LABELED AS INSANE,VIOLENT AND MORE.)⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇ (MY MOM she is first cause she is the one who got all the diagnoses put on me mostly by her self but with the help of Steven when he eventually came along) ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxHdpwnsxPLoIc0ySGqo1t2.html (MY DAD🌟) ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxRDG9ajRU5Np94Xhco5HXW.html (MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND) ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxvOn_PGnjpgkW0cL5REW56.html (MY SISTER although she is not the cause of the diagnoses and had no say so in it she does try to make it seem like I am the crazy one well plane out lying and that things aren't as bad as i think they are.#gaslighting) ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHzG5KucsJdpwQPsJX4DckQl.html (HERE IS THE CHANNEl OF DAILY VIDEO EVIDENCE) going back to when I was 8 Of different types of abuse I go through. ua-cam.com/channels/jkV9F3jkP3r-qVIHB3gwww.html. ⬆⬆has to be typed into google.here's a playlist VIDEOS IN CORRECT ORDER⬇⬇⬇⬇ ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHzaFRmkDx4pj9Fk0Kq5IVqr.html There are a lot of playlist that put the different things that are happening in different categories so if you want you should look at all the different playlist.some of the categories are specific people do abusive stuff that they do. here's one of the playlist from the channel.it has the videos in it that I think are the top craziest. ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHwyMQxKOXNcGygBaEo7coSZ.html So here is the channel focussed on what mental hospitals are like and how deadly antipsychotics are it's my story of side effects I had and how I almost died from the pills over an abuse cover up. with proof of the stuff i say in the description and video.it also give people advice on the description it really depends on what they know and believe. ua-cam.com/channels/S9hlrcVz9SUw_anmcAXbIQ.html Tell me who is really crazy me or them? I already know I don't actually have the diagnoses everyone knows. ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHyP-MtrqCI4RwnCQvOt_9FN.html ⬆⬆⬆⬆There's people admitting it or agreeing look at the first video. people that have been around me and my parents have even told my parents this.Like girls my dad was around were questioning why I have diagnoses put on me that I obviously don't have and why I am taking pills that make my digestive system stop working, has me shaking with fevers,and makes me basically go into comas and lay in bed for 2 weeks straight
YES!! I was no contact for over 2 yrs. My step dad, who is the only person that truly looked out for me, came knocking on my door, telling me my toxic mother was just begging for a hug. I allowed her to get a hug and had a little contact. My oldest son (34) who was the one calling Grandma out on the treatment of me, would not let me be alone with her and was a buffer. We were both back to no contact in fast order when we quickly realized no self-reflection or change on her part. She is the most miserable human being and I am at peace without her.
Yes, this! I was sentimental during the pandemic and made the mistake of spending more time with my parents, assuming things would be different. It didn’t take long before the yelling matches began and I remembered why I had stayed away for so long. Now I have to go through the painstaking process of rebuilding the boundaries again. Lesson learned!
As an epileptic with so-far uncontrolled seizures, I'm stuck living back at home with my very dysfunctional, perpetually disappointed parents. I've recently gotten into the habit of talking to my inner child at night and reminding her as well as myself that we're going to make it, and it's true for all of you too. We're going to make it, guys.
12:16 I remember watching a very interesting japanese movie (Incite Mill) that had a character who had issues with alcohol and had a hard time staying consistent with his sobriety. He was telling another character of this struggle, and his response was essentially this: "The key to quitting [drinking] is not a long term plan. You have to decide each morning that you won't drink for that _one_ day. My father had problems with [alcohol] too. But he managed to abstain, one day at a time" And for some reason this really struck me. It was the first time I ever heard of this, and it can really work for anything. I never had any luck being consistent about a habit when I planned to do it for a week or even a month, but just deciding to do it just for that _one_ day and then just repeating that decision the next morning helped.
If I remember correctly, in addiction, we would tell our clients/patients, the goal is to just stay sober for this moment (something like that.) Keep repeating that and go to your meetings, work the steps but the first thing was the most important. Looking at anything more then that moment in time was too overwhelming.
Watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. they cover a similar strategy. It's a great way to survive addiction, but you'll just be miserable and sober if you don't take that space and resolve the underlying reason why you feel the need to drink.
#6: Even with a disability, it's crucial to move your body and get out of your head. I am disabled, and was so disconnected from my body because of c-ptsd. Reconnecting to my body together with therapy has decreased my pain and disability with 80%. At 50+ I have started to believe I will be healed, it was all trauma! There is always something you can do, if it's just visualising lifting an arm...
Same here. If you don't keep moving what you can with a disability, then you loose more mobility. That is the mistake a lot of people make with a disability. They let it make them stop moving. Then they get worse. Movement is important to us disabled too.
I noticed how when I went through an incident today my lower back hurt and now I think I’m gonna be on that time of the month. So documenting my time of month helps which I started doing. I’m very on edge though. I don’t blame you for what you went through I have been almost Sa, have been groomed when I was a child, almost Se* trafficked. I’m just tired of it. Lashed out at my grandmother today saying I’m never talking to my family again I’m so mad.
My Efforts: -1 Art a week -Actually do the physical therapy -Talk through how I feel more -Say no more I shall be back! I feel this vibe :3! wish me luck
I personally do not subscribe to the idea of healing. You can manage the pain to varied degrees depending upon the effort you can make. But healing is nonsense, in my view. To manage such trauma is a huge thing.
Hey Breanna! I see your comment is two months old, so you are probably close to leaving or have already left. I wish you the very best and I hope that you are able to create a fulfilling life for yourself and your son. I wish that even the unpleasant experiences are temporary and leave you with more wisdom.
I feel so blessed to live in Australia. We can get 20 free sessions with a therapists if we go on a mental health plan….you don’t have to have a diagnosed mental health condition to be on a plan…just to keep your mental health well.
@@savannahbanks I know if you have are on a Mental Health Plan with your GP you can get them highly subsidised or free. Im not sure why you are not in that position, but you really should look into it… what you are paying is not right…
@@sarahneale131 depends if you go public or private. Private rates are higher but you generally can get an appt sooner (though in covid times, even that isn't guaranteed.) Public..longer waiting for appts but it is Medicare with no out of pocket.
"Have a concrete plan to get out" yes, this may be the most grueling decision you make but the benefits to your health and those you love are invaluable.
Social anxiety. I've puzzled for years as to why at annual family gatherings I would have panic attacks and bouts of nausea. I knew I had a Social anxiety issue my whole life, I attributed it to always moving, always being a new kid in school and never having friends. I moved a lot before the 3rd grade. Always a different state. I still can have panic attacks and nausea sitting down to eat with extended family. It rarely happens with strangers, just family and not my husband's family, just my own. I was raised by a woman who believes children shouldn't be seen or heard. People in restaurants used to comment on what a quiet, well behaved kid I was. Little did they know I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack and vomiting. I can't even define for you how much clarity you've afforded me. Morning anxiety is through the roof. Almost intolerable. I'm working on this now.
Sometimes I get discouraged that I’m never gonna heal or have fulfilling relationships in adulthood because of things from my past/ growing up. I would love to find a therapist but it has been very difficult to find one and be it a good fit is even more difficult. Hoping we all heal!
Makes perfect sense that healing comes after you leave. You cannot heal in the space the trauma and abuse happened. I wish it could, as it would save me a lot of stress, time, and money lol
Well you have to leave AND not get into a co-dependant relationship, and the next, and the next, that's the mistake I made until I realised what CPTSD does to you. And now I am probably doing it to my own kids while I am trying my best to heal, because it is messy and difficult without the help of extended family... Grateful to have some family members who try to be there for me, but it is a far cry from a healthy family setting, which means it is an uphill battle.
Number 6 just stopped me in my tracks. I think about my feelings all the time and spend a lot of mental energy playing and replaying conversations and events. I was a scapegoat in my family and spent a great deal of time in my childhood managing my behaviour to attempt to manage my parents. Thank you for the insight. I was about to say you’ve given me a lot to think about but maybe I should just go for a walk. 😄
I told my aunts about my experience living with my parents without realizing it was toxic and abusive and they immediately had me move in with them. I found your channel shortly after I moved and I’m starting on my journey of inner work, thank you for making this channel and everything you do! I’m glad I got out and I’m glad that I learned that life won’t always be so difficult and unstable ❤️
Everyone of these steps I have done and made the changes. Just talking in therapy years ago was useless for me. . You really are a wonderful resource and I recommend your channel alot.. And you scored with that shirt. Looking good. Aloha Friday. 🌴🌺
I had heard the phrases “golden child” and “scapegoat” before but until you said it, I didn’t realize it was an actual concept rooted in psychology. I’ve been googling and holy moly. This is my family dynamic exactly... narcissistic parent, sister was the scapegoat, I was the golden child. Thank you for your videos!!
Yeah majority of people don't realize this is a reality and not just sayings.i thank God I started researching this stuff while I am still in my situation cause I was literally being driven crazy. Here's my story and evidence. the same constant gaslighting,being framed for stuff,lied on,having to lie on myself and even put on acts for people like my parents and getting locked up to fit other peoples agendas. (Do not report this i will not get helped and my family will just make up a lie on me and I'll get locked up in a mental hospital Which is worse than prison.) I have been going through abuse my whole life and now i'm nearly 18.Now my parents can get away with it even more easily. cause my mom has false diagnoses all over me 11 That i know of but I am sure there's more.Which I didn't actually start getting diagnoses put on me till I moved in with my mom for the first time when I was 10 which I moved back and forth so when I was 12 that's when she started getting serious diagnoses put on me.my family takes advantage of those diagnoses so now when someone makes a DSS report or the police get involved my parents can just bring up the diagnoses and the social worker or police won't even talk to me or look at my video evidence going back to when I was 8 over 320 Videos.My parents just say I am "hallucinating,delusional,manipulative,lying" the list goes on with excuses they can make.here are the people that are calling me crazy (THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ME LABELED AS INSANE,VIOLENT AND MORE.)⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇ (MY MOM she is first cause she is the one who got all the diagnoses put on me mostly by her self but with the help of Steven when he eventually came along) ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxHdpwnsxPLoIc0ySGqo1t2.html (MY DAD🌟) ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxRDG9ajRU5Np94Xhco5HXW.html (MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND) ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxvOn_PGnjpgkW0cL5REW56.html (MY SISTER although she is not the cause of the diagnoses and had no say so in it she does try to make it seem like I am the crazy one well plane out lying and that things aren't as bad as i think they are.#gaslighting) ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHzG5KucsJdpwQPsJX4DckQl.html (HERE IS THE CHANNEl OF DAILY VIDEO EVIDENCE) going back to when I was 8 Of different types of abuse I go through. ua-cam.com/channels/jkV9F3jkP3r-qVIHB3gwww.html. ⬆⬆has to be typed into google.here's a playlist VIDEOS IN CORRECT ORDER⬇⬇⬇⬇ ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHzaFRmkDx4pj9Fk0Kq5IVqr.html There are a lot of playlist that put the different things that are happening in different categories so if you want you should look at all the different playlist.some of the categories are specific people do abusive stuff that they do. here's one of the playlist from the channel.it has the videos in it that I think are the top craziest. ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHwyMQxKOXNcGygBaEo7coSZ.html So here is the channel focussed on what mental hospitals are like and how deadly antipsychotics are it's my story of side effects I had and how I almost died from the pills over an abuse cover up. with proof of the stuff i say in the description and video.it also give people advice on the description it really depends on what they know and believe. ua-cam.com/channels/S9hlrcVz9SUw_anmcAXbIQ.html Tell me who is really crazy me or them? I already know I don't actually have the diagnoses everyone knows. ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHyP-MtrqCI4RwnCQvOt_9FN.html ⬆⬆⬆⬆There's people admitting it or agreeing look at the first video. people that have been around me and my parents have even told my parents this.Like girls my dad was around were questioning why I have diagnoses put on me that I obviously don't have and why I am taking pills that make my digestive system stop working, has me shaking with fevers,and makes me basically go into comas and lay in bed for 2 weeks straight
Hey, I'm a golden child too. One thing to know about those terms as well is they aren't always fixed, a golden child can still be treated poorly and suffer. It took me a while to figure out because my family would chop and change depending on a lot of stuff
I had a therapist babble almost weekly for more than a year before I took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and dove into my own research to uncover after a couple of months a diagnosis of CPTSD. I have an ACES score of 8. My therapist never administered an ACES test. Neither my therapist nor my psychiatrist’s nurse (pill dude - I’ve never actually seen the psychiatrist) connected the symptoms I could describe - severe depression, fleeting, unpredictable, overwhelming anxiety, and total loss of focus which he described as ADHD - and those I couldn’t like the ancillary physical responses to stress triggers like dissociation, memory issues, lack of coherent thought, trouble with verbal communication, tingling/numbness in extremities, etc. I did not have the vocabulary and they weren’t trying to see beneath the surface. Consequently, I wasted more than a year, exhausted many of my insurance benefits and delayed meaningful treatment and recovery for more than a year. If I’d done that with an oncologist, I’d be looking for an attorney. But, because I’m only shelling out $300 a week to placate the make-believe issues that exist only in my head, I somehow don’t deserve to be taken seriously, the ailment is somehow less serious than cancer. I do and it’s not.
Wow, this is SO relatable! I really needed to hear someone else describe this so clearly. Thanks for the validation, this just helped me take another step toward getting healthy. 🤗
#1 hit me hard. Im finally in a place physically, emotionally, and financially where I can begin to make a real plan. I feel like Ive been dreaming about it for years.. Thank you.
I have gone to countless therapists. None of them ever talked to me like this or gave me proper ways to help deal with the trauma. I feel like I have been charged for almost a decade worth of talking to a person and getting no proper feedback whatsoever. I have garnered more from you in 4 videos than I have in over a decade.
I've always felt like I have to keep my past a secret in order to be accepted professionally and not judged for something I wasn't responsible for. It's difficult come Christmas when asked if I'll be spending it with family, I don't want anyone's pity, that implies an undeserved judgment.
Maybe when they say family, in your head you can interchange that word with “loved ones.” Your family can be those you love who you make your family. I know the question will still bring up those sudden feelings surrounding your biological family but hopefully, you will fill your life with those who love you kindly and only want your love in return 💗 Good luck in life.
UGHHHHH I HATE when holidays come around for this very reason 😡 I find it so presumptuous that people assume everyone has a Brady Bunch family situation! Abuse situations aside, how do they know Christmas etc. doesn't mark the anniversary of a death of a loved one for someone? Some ppl need to shove their Hallmark Channel - shaded glasses up their....oops...looks like I need Patrick's therapy right about now to unlearn this spiteful behaviour learned from childhood, lol 🙃😅 But seriously...I feel you
After years of choosing comfort and financial security over my wellbeing I've finally made the decision to get out. Everything you say is so true, I can see how no matter how much I tried to separate myself I was still being held back in life because of that hook. Life is hopeful now. I feel like I can finally heal myself and become the person I was meant to be. Thank you for sharing your blessed knowledge and for the confirmation that getting out was the right choice. Wishing everyone freedom and healing🙏💙
Being disabled myself, I was very grateful for that consideration. Advive to fellow dissers is to (if you can) go somewhere new, or just outside in the sun. It can help. Thanks for this vid Patrick, really helpful :)
Or get into what you hear or watch. If you can gaze out of the window and see trees or birds or if you hear the sound of children playing football or the wind blowing in the trees is also a good way of getting out if you are disabled. Or ask someone who can help you taste new stuff.
I had been bedridden and unable to leave the house for years, before I was able to get some real help. So I learned to wiggle my feet and hang over the side of the bed. Started doing arm exercises too. This last summer sat outside with my bare feet on the grass. Listening to bible verses (I'm a Christian). Listen to something that makes You happy.
I really struggle with #4 - consistency and stability were "prohibited" and any mention of it would lead to rage attacks. Even if I manage a week (which is my record in the last 7-8 years), I just get panic attacks that something bad will happen or why it hasn't already (if it was behind my back) and just collapse (mentally). Thank you so much for bringing it up - it's a really shame-inducing "behavior" and so few people get that it's not just "I don't feel like it" or "I don't wanna put the effort in" , but a lifelong conditioning with tremendous consequences. Just having meals at approximate times e.g. between 5-7pm is nearly impossible for me. It just keeps "reminding" me that I'm either damaged beyond repair or just so worthless and good-for-nothing that I can't even do that. Just thank you for bringing it up.
What a powerful and impressive comment! You may find it difficult to believe, but the truth is that you have intrinsic worth that no one can ever take away from you, or "assign" to you. It's there within you, always, regardless of whatever assigned role you are playing at the time. As an example, I related to your post immediately, and felt inspired by it, thank you!!! It is not the big consistencies that win the game. It's the little ones. If you don't eat dinner between 5 and 7 pm everyday.... shrug.....😯 the real question is: did you have dinner today? Did you put something nutritious into your deserving and worthy body? That is all. Baby steps. No regrets. Be here now. Yesterday is only alive in our mind. Again, thank you for your vulnerability and courage.
@@notpub Thank you. From me too, beautiful words. Means a lot when often many "don't moan" yet may feel lighter after this acknowledgement, inner acknowledgement, for then to me, it feels there is space from which to notice how free we really are, as you say, always a sense from within. I find it funny it appears as if it's coming from outer space sometimes, then I realise it's kinda one n the same. Trippy😂💫🌻well, have a great weekend🎶✨💫🌻
If you are close to my time zone, you're probably awake right now so, in case no one has told you recently, I'm going to take this opportunity to remind you that You are loved and you are worthy of love exactly as you are. God hasn't forgotten you and He loves you so much. God bless as you fall asleep tonight ❤
I had to run away from home when I was 13 because of some serious abuse. the street was safer than my family. I was taken in by a family n experienced a different kind of abuse there. at 16 I attempted suicide in their house. im not sure which family did more damage to me. my entire adult life has been challenging. its very difficult to have/maintain relationships. trust, I just don't have any. its a shame what some adults do to kids.
I am doing all these things...therapy, weekly trauma group and EMDR. I am very low contact with my borderline mother...I like how you talked about how these things can "create more space inside you". After my first trauma workshop thats exactly how I described it...."its like I have more space inside me now and I am more comfortable in my body". Thank you for your videos!! They really help! :)
'We can't heal if we have perpetrators with us'...I needed to be reminded of that today.. not that I live with one... but too often I end up working with 1 (or more). Thanks for the reminder.
Absolutely true…no one can get ahead with that continual abuse in our face,….you must take that out of your life….you have to shut it down, by either moving away, going to police….FIND PEACE, get rid of the NEGATIVITY…..
Leaving my current job mainly due to this reason. I can't tolerate the constant teasing and subtle manipulation from certain co-workers and I've about had enough of that bullshit. I'm currently working on my inner child and people-pleasing and I am making good, slow progress but every time I step into work and deal with these co-workers, it's like one step forward, seven steps back exactly. I want to assertively communicate my boundaries but my tank is just near empty as soon as they are talking to me and I can't deal with it. So glad I am putting a long-term plan into motion now to rid that toxicity.
Hi I like and need some form of help but I'm not sure what to do. When you're growing up you sometimes don't realize how things aren't right but when you start trying to live your life you realize that you don't communicate correctly. I was never emotionally trained in any way. I was not talked to a lot at home. We were flogged regularly for weird things like someone was giggling behind me in church. Over50 now and just realizing how bizarre everything acutely was. Family still believes I'm the bad one because I left.
I know what you mean--my sister was driving my dad's jeep, I was the passenger. We were hit by a drunk driver and my dad was furious at me. Crazy, crazy people, my family.
I used to have a therapist who had almost no input, and who would just sit there all quiet forever when I stopped talking. It was baffling, and I never knew what I was there to talk about. I was an incredibly emotionally inhibited 20-something not used to talking about feelings, I could've really used some input. The most baffling thing about it was that after a couple of years of that the therapist got visibly frustrated that I wasn't getting anywhere and that I didn't seem to know what to talk about (I often brought up this issue in the sessions). I think she felt redundant, but she was certainly making herself so. The more I think about this afterwards the more I start wondering how she sees her own role as a therapist. This has really made it clear to me that therapy isn't just about whatever the client wants to talk about, and that input is vital, but also that some therapists kind of have unreasonable or downright delusional expectations about client breakthroughs. Imagine being a therapist and being mad at a client for a lack of breakthroughs when you're literally just sitting on your ass and listening.
Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families - I've attended an ACA phone meeting almost daily for the last 4 years and it has absolutely changed my life.
At 15 I was at my end. I know now if I hadn’t left when I did I would have taken my own life. I researched for months on a solution. Came up with a plan and finally at 16 I took my family to court and got away from them. I had to grow up quick after that and it’s wasn’t easy but I don’t regret it for a minute. It was the best decision I ever made. And now I spend my early 20’s healing and trying to understand my trauma.
@@emilyvazquez1327 my assumption based on what I heard from people who’ve tried it is that the sponsor-sponsee relationship can be retraumatizing for untreated trauma survivors as it can be dogmatic - like if you drink one drop, you are failing at sobriety. AAs do not treat the root of trauma, but only helps you to attain sobriety from drinking, which people can easily relapse without treating trauma. I hope that helps .
@@jessicamusicslife465 exactly. Unfortunately many people will cling to it but never fix the real underlying issue. So they end up in the same cycle. My dad had done AA when I was a kid but of course it didnt work because it didnt fix the underlying problem. That my mom is a narcissist.
@@jocelynbelle2946 I was joking, I know exactly what it is….I watch plenty movies with type of lingo….. ….Most of those who speak that way don’t really seem to be that well educated ( in the movies)… If they have gone to school for even 1 day…..I don’t get how people think it’s cool and deliberately put on That lingo…it does sound genuine though and I totally accept it if you’re like a drug lord or something of the likes… But all to his own, whatever floats your boat….personally, I sort of pee my pants when I hear it…
#4 Build Consistency- I hug myself when I get up now every morning and box breathe. I used to wake up and say okay loser get out of bed and drag myself out from under the blankets. Then I would begin to dread leaving the house and going to work. Breaking negative messages to myself upon waking is so important for me to have a good start to the day. Now I say: I can do hard things. I am worthy of help and support. I've got this. Way better way to start my day.
@@tnt01 I saw differences within the first few sessions. It can be rough work though. I had nightmares about things I hadn't thought about in years. However, those nightmares helped me figure out where my problems were rooted and my therapist helped me work through them.
Not sure if my family classifies as toxic, but I sometimes wonder if I am making excuses for them. I feel like I tolerate a lot at home. I know that my older brother is a narcissist and everyone else in the house has a hard time coexisting with him. Like you said, I am thinking of a strategy to get out.
I think my family is under the threshold of being truly toxic - more ignorant and in a tough situation. This made it so much easier for me to make excuses for them. But even if those excuses are logical and based in reality, I see now in retrospect I was using that to deny myself and stop myself from being heard. As I've been expressing myself more and letting my voice be heard over those excuses, things have been getting better.
Adult Children of Alcoholics addresses specifically those of us who did not grow up in alcoholic families. The textbook has a chapter on this as well. I can’t stress enough how helpful this group is. At your first meeting you don’t have to say a thing, except your first name. That’s it. You can just listen. You’ll soon learn that you are among other trauma victims who will not give you advice or force anything on you. Just sit and listen. You’ll soon know that you are “home.”
Yes! The full name is Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families, so if your family was dysfunctional without alcoholism, you are most certainly welcome at ACA meetings.
11:44 the tip on consistency! In a comment section of another video someone was talking about the power of mediocre consistency and how it really adds up even when it’s something small. I really liked this concept because consistency feels like the hardest thing in the world but just having mediocre consistency for whatever reason was a concept I immediately fell in love with.
It’s so difficult to look at the truth about the negative things you bring to social situations. I’m really struggling as I see all of the ways I’ve damaged my relationships. But I keep telling myself that I’m able to look at these things and face the difficult realities. That’s something that my toxic family can never do. Instead of looking at their own problems, they’ve just scapegoated me and shifted all the blame. This is our way out. This is the path to freedom. We can change these things and we can recover from our toxic childhoods. It’s not an easy road which is why most people don’t go down this road. I’m praying for everyone else out there who is struggling with this.
I hated 12 steps. Too much public sharing. Tried different kinds. Hard to have consistent friends. I do like meditation, guided imagery, Journaling, listening to lectures. Thank your for this channel!
I know you said not to take it as a criticism, I know it wasn’t intended as one, but the “what do you bring to the table” crushed me 😞 how do I stop behaving in a way that I myself don’t even like, let alone others around me? How do I stop being so negative when I want so badly to be positive? How do I stop apologizing and making myself small? I feel like that’s my only solution to being too gruff and grumpy.. removing myself from the conversation.
My job can cause me stress. When I get in that stressful place at work, I function. No one knows, but my mind is full of every terrible thing my mother and other's told me I am. I can tell myself I'm a POS over and over in my head. All while I function in the workplace. It's exhausting.
In your Childhood PTSD Questionnaire, there was one item that touched on a lack of feeling joy and spontaneity. I have found this struggle to be really puzzling, since it's unlike "holding back" troublesome feelings like anger. There's nothing to let go, it's just no longer there. Like the ceiling of my emotions has been lowered and everything has been dulled to a nub. I no longer have spontaneous feelings that I should do something because I will get joy out of it - there are only things that I "should do" and "should not do" and joy or excitement are never involved. Do you have any recommended tools or methods for recovering these feelings?
Me too! I think you are the first person who articulated this feeling so well…..I too, would be forever grateful to get my “happy” and my joy for life back Please share tools for reawakening joy!?!?
Richard Grannon has spoken a lot about this. Essentially the theory is that when you face a lot of overwhelming negative emotions (fear, dispair, sorrow, shame and whatever) your preference becomes to suppress feelings. So you become sort of "feelingless", but functioning. Or "high functioning depression". You do chores, go to work, engage intellectually in things, but with little to no emotion. Keeps you from connecting with your true passions, desires, values, love, and thriving. So, his solution (which I have tried, and it works if you stick with it) is to become emotionally "literalte". It essentially means "get in touch with what you actually feel by actually asking yourself." The exercise is easy. You write "I feel" on a piece of paper or a notebook dedicated to this stuff. Then you name 2-4 emotions you know you are feeling. Say you write "shame" and "frustration" or "confusion". Write them as a list, or draw them in three circles, whatever you like. Then you write 2-4 emotions that are underlying to those main emotions. So, under shame you might write "isolated", "disgust" and "sorrow" - those can be tied to your shame, as an example. When you do this, you essentially force yourself to pay attention to what you feel. You don't analyze why, you just notice what you feel. No judgement. If you do this once everey day, or more, for weeks, you literally start to feel more, and feel more accepting of yourself. Also - don't be afraid to watch movies or listen to music that emotionally "triggers" you. If you start to cry as soon as you see a sad movie, you have some saddness inside of you that you probably shouldn't suppress. Hope this can help someone :)
I found it was False Guilt, or shame, or neurosis. Everyone's problems were my responsibility. I started doing chakra balancing work via Sahaja Yoga, which included putting the right hand, at the base of the neck, on the left side of the neck, turning head to the right, and stating loudly, 3 times: "I'm Not Guilty Of Anything At All" x 3 The antidote is apparently Playful Detachment. Within a week I was free! Joy returned! And I noticed that I'd been smothering people.
15:40 hit me hard. For years I thought I didn’t deserve to show up fully expressed in certain parts of my life. It took me a long time to realize that my own worth and value is independent of how others see and judge me. Self-limiting beliefs are hard to overcome but it’s not impossible. I really enjoy your channel. Thanks for sharing your insights and guidance. 🙏
It's not that I couldn't get to therapy, or that I don't believe in it. I didn't have the direction. It was too overwhelming to start because I didn't know what I needed. So thank you. For all the information you put out for free. Knowledge is power. I know myself better and I have felt so much more grounded since finding your information. I am eternally grateful.
My biggest healing tool has been expanding my social circle. I’m able to socialise reasonably comfortably now and I’m now mentally a lot healthier now. Im not cured but I’m a lot better
For those who are minors in the these situations, talking to a school counselor might help to finding alternate housing. I knew someone in high school who talked to their counselor and was able to move out into a youth's housing of sorts because they were experiencing abuse.
I went to school counselor in high school. That was a mistake unfortunately. She had my mom come to the school so we could do a counseling session together. Of course my mom tried to play innocent and make me look like the bad kid. I was so quiet and shy as a kid. Never did anything bad except “not do my chores properly”. Shortly after seeing the school counselor with my mom, things got worse. I ended up getting a black eye from her and then my mom made me move out to live with my grandpa. So she “couldn’t hurt me anymore”. Eventually I went back to her house. But things didn’t change. She was so physically and mentally abusive. Now I am 32 years old and she is no longer apart of my life.
WHATEVER YOU DO PLS DONT DO THIS !!!! All these asshole counselors do is call your parents and make things worse. I know because that’s what I did and all my mom did was beat the shit out of me and it made things worse at home. All I’ve ever known was abuse I left when I graduated highschool. completely cut my family out of my life and moved to another state. Never looked back and I’ve never been more at peace
Building plans to leave is HARD, but I don't think I'll be able to grow and become myself until I am far from my biological family. I'm an adult with little formal education and only now I am starting to see how unfit for society I've become due to my parents sabotage of every attempt I've made to leave and become independent. Your channel is very helpful, thanks.
You can do it, even with little formal education (which can come later if you want it). Build your nest egg, develop a support group, plan for the future you but keep it under wraps until you are already out the door. Do NOT go back for any reason (poverty, guilt, etc) but just keep focusing on the future you. Everyone deserves peace and love and if you can’t get it from your family of origin, make a new family of friends. Make sure you don’t recreate the same toxic family though. You will need time to heal and therapy to make sure you make future good choices. It is SO worth it even if you struggle. I am 61 and left at 17 and it only got better with every passing year. I would have never believed how good life could become once I was free.
You raise a great point! I noticed that during periods where my parents were looking sturdier and more stable, I would both feel relieved that they were feeling better AND I could also feel my anger towards them more than usual :)
I never realized how much trauma i suffered in my childhood until I was well into adulthood, my 50's. I knew life hadn't been what would be considered normal, but thought some people had it worse. Now I realize how badly it affected me & my life. I have health insurance that covers therapy, but a therapist on their list. I tried two, the first one talked the entire hour and didn't ask me anything about me, my life, etc. She talked about her other patients and how bad they had it. Then told me I should be thankful I didn't have their problems, when she knew nothing about me or my life. I left and never returned. The second one asked me specific questions, and just had me talk. I had two appointments, after the second one she told me she was booked the next four months out. So I just said thank you enjoy your summer and that was it. It's been difficult to find anyone good and I gave up looking, it's a waste of time going through that, it feels discouraging and disappointing, and Ive had enough of that in my life. Plus I don't want to keep going over the same story again and again, I want to progress. Thank you for all your videos.
When you said that about the inner child "nabbing" you I could actually start to feel that as an almost constant thing holding me down. Its like constantly like, "Yep. I knew it." And it wants to win despite the cost. Usually its like Im just sort of wanting to wrestle it to submission, "Stop screwing me!". But its like , "You first.". But that really kind of jolted me when you gave an example, "I knew you wouldn't...". Like damn its so cold! But that helps me feel it more. Usually Im just bulldozing it and its making me feel more stuck. I need those jolts. Helps me reconnect to myself just a bit more.
HOW can I help myself remember my childhood???? I have so few memories and I feel like if I remembered more, I would be able to understand so much more about why I am the way I am.
I'm finding, for me, there is a strong connection between action and forming new beliefs and healthy self talk. I now believe it is possible to rewrite the scripts in my mind.
I had to stop going to the therapist who was using emdr, I realized I was being re traumatized and paying for it. The exercise is good advice. Getting out of abuse and going no contact.
Looking back at how I Unconsciously coped/ protected myself from the home toxic family dynamic as a teenager 1 . I got a weekend part time job I thought I just wanted extra money but looking back I was really removing myself from the potential physical/ verbal abuse that I encountered regularly as the escape goat. 2. I'd get involved in all kinds of extra curricular activities ...at the time I didn't know it but again anything to not be home. Dance, drama, gym, tutoring, volunteering. 3. As soon as I was able I bought a car, I remember how bad my family tried to discourage me from buying a car, but when I did It was like getting my wings and I was unreachable because I was always out of sight until I was able to move out. I literally just showered and slept at home from like 14 to 19.
Re: Escape Goat vs. Scapegoat; I don't know if that was intentional wording or predictive text error but it's a BRILLIANT play on words. The Scapegoat Escapes :-)
This is my therapist. It has been a waste of time. I can't get another one because of the health system in my country. I feel trapped. I'm 36 and still hate adults and don't want to be a one. I'll never heal then because I have no way of moving financially. My Dr. just writes it off as oh well you have somewhere to live its fine. I have pets and I have no financial prospects and its a housing crisis. I'm so scared I'll never get away. I just had that fight with my mother that sets me back every time. I wish there was something I could do.
Thanking you, at 77 years of age, finally went to a payed physiotherapist yesterday. I have so much to unpack & deal with, in order to "claim my life". Nobody else can do the work for us! Peace to you & your followers 🙏
I take psych meds...never wanted to open up to therapist or counselor (stranger)..I had a traumatic child hood & just hearing your videos are extremely therapeutic. Childhood really affects your entire outlook on your life. Perception, relationships, everything..
Calling my mom tends to lend to days of “being in my head” and I recognize how dangerous this actually is for me as I age and my response times are delayed and distraction responses intensified. In my head after these conversations have resulted in many driving near misses and one accident. Also, ruining meals and once leaving a pot on the stove that caught fire. The rumination, lack of sleep, reprocessing truly is detrimental and I’ve gone no contact for the past six months due to the fall out of the last engagement. But I don’t really want that to be a permanent solution. Safety first. Adult in place lol. I don’t think I’ve met her yet 🤣. I’m 58🤷♀️ She is 80. She has outlived my tolerance ability
My mother lived to 102 (died in February) and I am 61. I went no contact with her decades before and only wish I had done it sooner. To people who are impressed with my mother’s longevity, I respond with ‘only the good die young’. Many people tried to tell me ‘she’s the only mother you have’ to which I said ‘thank god there is only one of her’. Don’t let your parent’s age make you feel you should have contact with them. Not speaking lovingly about your mother is uncomfortable in our society. But I decided I would not whitewash a cold, manipulative, abusive woman to make others feel comfortable. My older siblings are still suffering from the after effects of our upbringing but I decided I wouldn’t waste anymore of my life trying to chase after someone’s love. We are all worthy of love and if your parents won’t love you, find other people who will.
@@lindabourcet1349 One of the things that is so frustrating about dealing with an abusive parent or spouse is that they can be wonderfully kind and nice to others and monstrous just to you. So if you’re trying to tell some other person what you’re really going through they just won’t believe you.
@@Pammellam thanks for the reply. My mom wasn’t a horrible person, she was just not ‘mother material’. She was raised at a time and in a religion where women were expected to be mothers. Not every women has what it takes to be a kind, loving mother. She would have been much happier to have been childless. Unfortunately, her children didn’t understand that and we thought we were unloveable. I figured out early enough that if she didn’t love me, I would find others who did and managed to have a wonderful loving family of my own. My siblings had a tougher time and struggled in their relationships. Our society makes mothers out to be saints and thinks childless women are selfish or deficient. When I have spoken about my mother’s inability to be a ‘good’ mother, people get very uncomfortable. Even though many people have difficult childhoods, you are not supposed to criticize mothers. Until we can allow women to choose becoming a mother or not with the same status (neither being inherently better), we will have women who are ‘bad’ mothers, ruining their own and their children’s lives.
@@lindabourcet1349 I hear you! Same here. I recommend any books by Alice Miller for insights in childhood abuse and the relationship of the child with the mother. It would even be useful for your siblings even if this date to read these books. You can find her books on Amazon and there are other books by her as well. Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society's Betrayal of the Child and For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence by Alice Miller
9) do some inner child work in context of your childhood 8) find some community 7) find a therapist where you're doing work not just talking 6) move your body get out of your head 5) find a somatic practitioner aka body work 4) Build consistency 3) nail your family system 2) know what you bring to the table 1) get out
I just happened to trip onto your video and I wasn't sure why until I listened and you mentioned three things I'm having issues with lol. I had no idea, at my age, that I would still have issues from my childhood! I left home at 16 but, I went on to finish HS and get my AS Degree then enlisted and finished my BS Degree. However, I'm just now realizing and facing issues head on blah. Thank you for your video! I needed this...
God bless my escape. I still fight with myself about cutting my toxic family off but every interaction I allow it hurts and so it's so much nicer to live without fear or scrutiny. Even if my circle is beyond small.
It took me WAY too long to get out of my toxic family situation. My mother manipulated me with staying. It was a "I want you out of my home and out of my life" that would swing to tears and "wherever you go, you can't leave me behind and need to have space for me in your life and home!" But, I recently moved about 4 months ago. It's a rough struggle adjusting to not having that in my daily life, but getting out was the best thing ever. Getting out with enforcing the boundaries....
Do you think you could make a video for those of us who currently can’t leave a toxic situation, anything that we can do to help ourselves while we are still stuck here?
The saddest part is when sometimes the faulted parents are hurt and confused by their now adult children's triggered outburst, they don't understand what they have been doing wrong but still not feel inclined enough to try put in effort to understand nor change because its been a long while before anyone realized something is wrong. Now it's too late and your parents are getting old and vulnerable while you are getting stronger and bolder and angrier, and you feel guilty when they don't know why by simply making a stupid joke about you, it grants them your uncontrollable violent tantrum in return. You realize things can only get worse if neither party wants to be the real mature individual, so you move out... thinking this is better because you don't want to hurt them like they hurt you, and wishing to see them only when your in a good head space and has extra energy to put up with their bullshit.
That's not the saddest part. It's the fact that children have to teach themselves that they're being gaslighted and abused and can't do anything about it until they're an adult. The saddest part is NOT THE ABUSIVE PARENTS.
I think the saddest part is the fact that the child realized how those collective bad childhood experiences affected them so deeply too late, carrying all of that baggage into adulthood. Those negative emotions boiling under in turn, impacting their adult lives. And because the parents are getting older, they have no one left to hold their hand providing reassurance. Left alone to forever pick up the broken pieces of their childhood.
I just had 3 days of constant triggers form my toxic family that I am stuck staying with currently. I was so proud of myself for cleaning my room that was SO cluttered (after my therapy session. )
#2 is huge. Same as you, the only thing I had to offer was negativity, gossip and backstabbing. I didn’t know how to communicate with people unless it was to talk smack. My family taught us jealousy and envy which manifested in gossip, about others and about eachother. And that seemed normal to me. It was shocking to me to meet people who didn’t behave that way. I thought that they had a problem when they couldn’t communicate with me that way. I assumed they were secretly hiding their true (toxic gossiping) selves when others weren’t looking. It wasn’t until very recently that I realized that this was because of being raised in a dysfunctional toxic family.
#1 really is it. Getting out from the narcissistic abuse saved my life. From when I was 5 years old I was depressed and soon became suicidal. I didn't think it was possible to ever leave, I felt so hopelessly trapped. Then I actually lost a friend to suicide, and it hurt so much, and I broke down, I didn't want the same pain to be experienced by my friends. I wish my friend knew he wasn't alone in these thoughts, but with men they are told not to talk about mental health anyway. I thought I was going to die by suicide from when I was 5-18, but with the help of a crisis counsellor after weeks of speaking about my suicidality I was encouraged to get out of the abuse with an emergency bag. I've never been back. I've made it three years longer than I ever thought I would as a child. I wish I had these resources, these videos and content but I'm so glad it exists for younger folk now. it is so helpful now after the abuse and trying to process everything that happened.. I still struggle to recognize how strong I was for getting out because breaking those family ties was extremely difficult. We really can not heal if we are living with perpetrators. I could only begin to see the answers and the dynamics for the narcassistic abuse it really was after leaving. It was scary, it was hard, I'm still struggling, but at least I am still alive. I could do it, so I just hope to inspire others that they can escape as well.
Thank you so much for giving me the alternative terminology for the inner child as part of the “trauma brain “… Some of my clients really cannot connect to the phrase “inner child” but I think this might work for them
Growing up I was told to think before I spoke and did things. I don't trust my instincts at all due to some pretty serious mistakes... trying to teach yourself everything your parents didn't... there are too many things I don't even know I don't know! One day at a time, new growth everyday
“We can’t heal if we are living with our perpetrators.”
I knew this was 100% true. I still live with my perpetrators and i wonder why i still cannot grow fully and become my best self.
@@paolacarmenate5314 I'm with you.
F in the chat for all the folks living with their perpetrators. We're all strong and we're gonna heal fam -k
I live with them by having g to remember everything they did daily
@@paolacarmenate5314 me too. (Debilitating illness prevents me from leaving while preventing real healing, physical or emotional.) while I’m stuck here, I have to believe it’s possible to make some progress if not full recovery. Otherwise the situation feels totally hopeless, so why bother? You know?
Sir I cannot afford therapy and have mostly encountered "talk" therapists, that's why I am so grateful for your amazing channel and your suggestions! I have just started but thanks to you at least I know what I need to work on....
Same here! He is God sent!
Agree with you Kokola. He's so helpful to me too. Hang in there. Keep up the healing :)
@@aphmaphm8598 that's what makes Patrick so special. I hope he knows how great he's being for all of us. He's letting us know we arent alone and he's helping me unscramble some of my emtional mess. I know that its probably best to have someone you can be face to face with, but lots of us don't have that option.
@@traceywelsh9696 yeahhh, and I think it's often pretty cool going all- in by myself sometimes, like crying as loud or silly as I want, and being a kid with paints, coz no one's around laughin, or anythin-in, I mean you don't have to take on others ' emotions, it's just purely you ...seeing your energy shift and change ...I'm saying this, coz at times alone, I felt ....whatever, lots!... kinda went thru layers....but sO cool....I felt like light wings embrace me, once, when I thought I was at rock bottom, nowhere to go, I sorta let go of my head, and it was as if magic was going on, my inner senses started to work, and I practiced being quiet after walks every day, and now I get these inner pictures, like little flickers of intuition, eg a garden, with a spiral stone staircase. .
Just like Mr Teal said about not thinking about my feelings, as if love took over😬 oops, bit of an overshare😁💫🎶best wishes💫
What do you mean by "talk therapists"?
“ Trauma is not the bad things that happened to you; it’s how those bad things affected you.”
Dr Gabor Maté
I love Dr Gabor Maté
ua-cam.com/video/heah_Ncqwps/v-deo.html
Looooove him
Actually it is how we respond to them - but as a chil we simply dont have life experience to deal
It's not the bad things that happened but that the good things were missing- someone attuning to what was happening and how you were feeling
"Your inner child is watching your inner adult".
🤯
Quick recap
1:00 Do inner child work in context of your childhood.
2:15 Find some supportive community.
4:50 Find a therapist where you're doing work not just talking.
7:20 Move your body and get out of your head.
9:33 Find a somatic practitioner (body work).
11:43 Build consistency- do a program. (Good mini habits)
13:40 Nail your family system. (Understand family origin, dynamics, )
15:40 know what you bring to the table. (Your negative traits inherited from family system)
17:50 Get out. Healing comes later. First cut off toxic family ties.
You're awesome, I hope you have a wonderful life 😸
Thank you!
Thank you. It's is so helpful when people do this. Sometimes it's just too much to watch a whole video.
You, Lee Wilder, are PROOF there are good people in the world 🌍
What if I'm a minor...
"We don't talk enough about what happened to people."
This is so so true ❤
Especially since the drugs have become so widely available. We need to really talk about the fact that they are NO SUBSTITUTE for therapy!
Of course, that's where all this stuff was created. It's unresolved and replays in our lives every day. I'd think therapist would know that's the root and where it all stems from. I thought it was common sense. :(
When I was 19 I left my abusive dad. I moved to California with my mom. I had made the decision, started packing, and I left. I told my dad I was leaving and he said “well you could have asked” to that I replied “I’m 19. I’m an adult. I don’t have to ask you for shit”. He looked at me like he was in shock and like a month later I was gone. Once I was gone I didn’t see or talk to my dad for like 3 years. Getting out of that situation was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
We cannot allow abusive people to continue the abuse. Separation is the only answer.
I have even asked previous therapists for "homework" but the most I've gotten is the "breathe deeply" and generic meditation exercises. Otherwise it's just been talk that leads nowhere. So sad.
Me too. It’s so frustrating to have such a profound desire to shift things inside, to do the work, as it were, and feel like the person you’ve entrusted (and pay!) to help can’t hear you.
Yes or just write in a journal and thats all she had week after week. No help at all
@@lovelace8702 I waited for eons to see a female psych ...I felt psychically violated, I honestly thought she'd be kind and warm, it was so clinical, and as it started raining as I left, she said, seeing I had no hood or brolly, " ooh, don't get too wet" kinda laughin like sister ratchet😂I will sort myself out!😂💫or...weirdly I find random strangers are totally brilliant every now and then...you never see them again, and they might be interested😬🎶in a silly mood. I love this guy, he is spot on!🌻
@@RokiMowntinHi I’m a fan of the woo-woo too! Thanks for sharing.✨
My therapist gives me homework like think about what you want to do with your life . As if I don’t think about that everyday . Then next meeting she doesn’t even ask about it . Assuming she forgot about the homework . Then sometimes she doesn’t remember things I’ve told her . It’s hell honestly 🥲
Financial limitations can stop the leaving but sanity is priceless
The peace of 4 years of taking space from the toxic system ended abruptly when back in contact with several family members. I felt so hopeful for connection, that everyone had grown and changed. I've grown and changed and it was a dissapointment to find myself tip-toeing around the old familial attitudes of toxic comtempt. The system has a life of it's own, with expectations around staying in one's assigned roles. The Scapegoat can never go back.
I agree I was separated from my father’s families and mother’s families for many decades doing self care exploration and deep healing and forgiving others and myself, praying and doing intense holistic healing natural detoxification lifestyle repentance integration
And attempted several times over the decades even in recent years with the same old elitists arrogant condescending narcissistic perfectionist behaviors and attitudes towards others and especially to me (classic propaganda “we are accomplished perfect ‘normal good people’ ‘we find fault with anyone who has any hardships difficulties and traumas ‘they must be to blame’
the same old narcissism elitism worship of money and socioeconomic hierarchy status shame blame guilt tripping gas lighting manipulation blacklisting blackballed scapegoated
It’s a club that I do Not want to be in and thankful that I am excluded from being in !!!!
I seek and stay close to Almighty Most High Creator and loving nurturing comforting people 😇❤️🙏👸🏻🥰🙌👏
Thanks for saying this comments like this let me know they might not change and once I leave and cut contact don't look back.here's my story and my daily evidence. the same constant gaslighting,being framed for stuff,lied on,having to lie on myself and even put on acts for people like my parents and getting locked up to fit other peoples agendas.
(Do not report this i will not get helped and my family will just make up a lie on me and I'll get locked up in a mental hospital
Which is worse than prison.)
I have been going through abuse my whole life and now i'm nearly 18.Now my parents can get away with it even more easily. cause my mom has false diagnoses all over me 11
That i know of but I am sure there's more.Which I didn't actually start getting diagnoses put on me till I moved in with my mom for the first time when I was 10 which I moved back and forth so when I was 12 that's when she started getting serious diagnoses put on me.my family takes advantage of those diagnoses so now when someone makes a DSS report or the police get involved my parents can just bring up the diagnoses and the social worker or police won't even talk to me or look at my video evidence going back to when I was 8 over 320
Videos.My parents just say I am "hallucinating,delusional,manipulative,lying" the list goes on with excuses they can make.here are the people that are calling me crazy
(THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ME LABELED AS INSANE,VIOLENT AND MORE.)⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇
(MY MOM she is first cause she is the one who got all the diagnoses put on me mostly by her self but with the help of Steven when he eventually came along)
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxHdpwnsxPLoIc0ySGqo1t2.html
(MY DAD🌟)
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxRDG9ajRU5Np94Xhco5HXW.html
(MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND)
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxvOn_PGnjpgkW0cL5REW56.html
(MY SISTER although she is not the cause of the diagnoses and had no say so in it she does try to make it seem like I am the crazy one well plane out lying and that things aren't as bad as i think they are.#gaslighting)
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHzG5KucsJdpwQPsJX4DckQl.html
(HERE IS THE CHANNEl OF DAILY VIDEO
EVIDENCE) going back to when I was 8
Of different types of abuse I go through.
ua-cam.com/channels/jkV9F3jkP3r-qVIHB3gwww.html.
⬆⬆has to be typed into google.here's a playlist VIDEOS IN CORRECT ORDER⬇⬇⬇⬇
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHzaFRmkDx4pj9Fk0Kq5IVqr.html
There are a lot of playlist that put the different things that are happening in different categories so if you want you should look at all the different playlist.some of the categories are specific people do abusive stuff that they do.
here's one of the playlist from the channel.it has the videos in it that I think are the top craziest.
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHwyMQxKOXNcGygBaEo7coSZ.html
So here is the channel focussed on what mental hospitals are like and how deadly antipsychotics are it's my story of side effects I had and how I almost died from the pills over an abuse cover up.
with proof of the stuff i say in the description and video.it also give people advice on the description
it really depends on what they know and believe.
ua-cam.com/channels/S9hlrcVz9SUw_anmcAXbIQ.html
Tell me who is really crazy me or them?
I already know I don't actually have the diagnoses everyone knows.
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHyP-MtrqCI4RwnCQvOt_9FN.html
⬆⬆⬆⬆There's people admitting it or agreeing look at the first video.
people that have been around me and my parents have even told my parents this.Like girls my dad was around were questioning why I have diagnoses put on me that I obviously don't have and why I am taking pills that make my digestive system stop working, has me shaking with fevers,and makes me basically go into comas and lay in bed for 2 weeks straight
My last contact with family member showed me how much more toxic and unhappy they were, I’m glad to be free.
YES!! I was no contact for over 2 yrs. My step dad, who is the only person that truly looked out for me, came knocking on my door, telling me my toxic mother was just begging for a hug. I allowed her to get a hug and had a little contact. My oldest son (34) who was the one calling Grandma out on the treatment of me, would not let me be alone with her and was a buffer. We were both back to no contact in fast order when we quickly realized no self-reflection or change on her part. She is the most miserable human being and I am at peace without her.
Yes, this! I was sentimental during the pandemic and made the mistake of spending more time with my parents, assuming things would be different. It didn’t take long before the yelling matches began and I remembered why I had stayed away for so long. Now I have to go through the painstaking process of rebuilding the boundaries again. Lesson learned!
As an epileptic with so-far uncontrolled seizures, I'm stuck living back at home with my very dysfunctional, perpetually disappointed parents. I've recently gotten into the habit of talking to my inner child at night and reminding her as well as myself that we're going to make it, and it's true for all of you too.
We're going to make it, guys.
That sounds like a great habit :-) Wishing you peace ♥
♥️
Sending love 💕 to yourself!
I think i'll do the same
Thank you for this! 🙏🏾 I never met you but you are a good person for this message!
The part where you said the inner child watches the adult and says “I knew you wouldn’t” when you don’t do what you say you will……….. hurted. 😓
Same here
12:16 I remember watching a very interesting japanese movie (Incite Mill) that had a character who had issues with alcohol and had a hard time staying consistent with his sobriety. He was telling another character of this struggle, and his response was essentially this:
"The key to quitting [drinking] is not a long term plan. You have to decide each morning that you won't drink for that _one_ day.
My father had problems with [alcohol] too. But he managed to abstain, one day at a time"
And for some reason this really struck me. It was the first time I ever heard of this, and it can really work for anything. I never had any luck being consistent about a habit when I planned to do it for a week or even a month, but just deciding to do it just for that _one_ day and then just repeating that decision the next morning helped.
I think this comment just helped me, thankyou.
WoW, thank you for sharing. 😃
Thank you for sharing, this helped me a lot
If I remember correctly, in addiction, we would tell our clients/patients, the goal is to just stay sober for this moment (something like that.) Keep repeating that and go to your meetings, work the steps but the first thing was the most important. Looking at anything more then that moment in time was too overwhelming.
Watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. they cover a similar strategy. It's a great way to survive addiction, but you'll just be miserable and sober if you don't take that space and resolve the underlying reason why you feel the need to drink.
“My inner child wants pizza”
I mean, yes that’s accurate 😂
Mine wants gelato. And yeah, I give her gelato.
I felt personally attacked by that one
I've broken the addiction Praise Yahuah I can follow Leviticus 11 more precisely now!
My inner child wanted ice cream, pizza, colour book and juice and yeah I givet this to my inner child 😊
My inner child wants fish tacos... But my adult self is 100% okay with that!
#6: Even with a disability, it's crucial to move your body and get out of your head. I am disabled, and was so disconnected from my body because of c-ptsd. Reconnecting to my body together with therapy has decreased my pain and disability with 80%. At 50+ I have started to believe I will be healed, it was all trauma! There is always something you can do, if it's just visualising lifting an arm...
Thank you 🙏🏽 blessings to you
Same here. If you don't keep moving what you can with a disability, then you loose more mobility. That is the mistake a lot of people make with a disability. They let it make them stop moving. Then they get worse. Movement is important to us disabled too.
I noticed how when I went through an incident today my lower back hurt and now I think I’m gonna be on that time of the month. So documenting my time of month helps which I started doing. I’m very on edge though. I don’t blame you for what you went through I have been almost Sa, have been groomed when I was a child, almost Se* trafficked. I’m just tired of it. Lashed out at my grandmother today saying I’m never talking to my family again I’m so mad.
@@MacChicken-up2rl that's hell... 😢 I believe you WILL get better! That's my wish for you. *hugs
So true!
My Efforts:
-1 Art a week
-Actually do the physical therapy
-Talk through how I feel more
-Say no more
I shall be back! I feel this vibe :3! wish me luck
Hello! How're you doing?
1. Leaving 2. Healing 3.Thriving 4. Living
I personally do not subscribe to the idea of healing. You can manage the pain to varied degrees depending upon the effort you can make. But healing is nonsense, in my view. To manage such trauma is a huge thing.
Im so happy youre posting so regularly
@@rebecca8482 to qwwwwqwqwqqwwww
10 weeks until my son and I are out of this whole ass hometown. We made it this far and there is finally hope! 🥺🙏💜 Thank you
Good luck, Godspeed and Positive vibes from New Hampshire, remember to be kind to each other and yourself
Run and don’t look back! You are the only thing that changed.
Hey Breanna! I see your comment is two months old, so you are probably close to leaving or have already left. I wish you the very best and I hope that you are able to create a fulfilling life for yourself and your son. I wish that even the unpleasant experiences are temporary and leave you with more wisdom.
Hometowns can be really awful places if you had childhood trauma
I feel so blessed to live in Australia. We can get 20 free sessions with a therapists if we go on a mental health plan….you don’t have to have a diagnosed mental health condition to be on a plan…just to keep your mental health well.
Free? No. My last psychs still charge $120 over the Medicare subsidy.
@@savannahbanks I know if you have are on a Mental Health Plan with your GP you can get them highly subsidised or free. Im not sure why you are not in that position, but you really should look into it… what you are paying is not right…
@@sarahneale131 depends if you go public or private. Private rates are higher but you generally can get an appt sooner (though in covid times, even that isn't guaranteed.) Public..longer waiting for appts but it is Medicare with no out of pocket.
You're happy to live in Australia? That is no longer a free country, which looks awful.
@@charging7 what are you referring to?
"Have a concrete plan to get out" yes, this may be the most grueling decision you make but the benefits to your health and those you love are invaluable.
"Do you make yourself small around others, and are you sure that they want that from you?" whoa
Social anxiety.
I've puzzled for years as to why at annual family gatherings I would have panic attacks and bouts of nausea.
I knew I had a Social anxiety issue my whole life, I attributed it to always moving, always being a new kid in school and never having friends. I moved a lot before the 3rd grade. Always a different state.
I still can have panic attacks and nausea sitting down to eat with extended family. It rarely happens with strangers, just family and not my husband's family, just my own.
I was raised by a woman who believes children shouldn't be seen or heard. People in restaurants used to comment on what a quiet, well behaved kid I was. Little did they know I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack and vomiting.
I can't even define for you how much clarity you've afforded me.
Morning anxiety is through the roof. Almost intolerable. I'm working on this now.
Sometimes I get discouraged that I’m never gonna heal or have fulfilling relationships in adulthood because of things from my past/ growing up. I would love to find a therapist but it has been very difficult to find one and be it a good fit is even more difficult. Hoping we all heal!
Makes perfect sense that healing comes after you leave. You cannot heal in the space the trauma and abuse happened. I wish it could, as it would save me a lot of stress, time, and money lol
Well you have to leave AND not get into a co-dependant relationship, and the next, and the next, that's the mistake I made until I realised what CPTSD does to you. And now I am probably doing it to my own kids while I am trying my best to heal, because it is messy and difficult without the help of extended family... Grateful to have some family members who try to be there for me, but it is a far cry from a healthy family setting, which means it is an uphill battle.
Number 6 just stopped me in my tracks. I think about my feelings all the time and spend a lot of mental energy playing and replaying conversations and events. I was a scapegoat in my family and spent a great deal of time in my childhood managing my behaviour to attempt to manage my parents. Thank you for the insight. I was about to say you’ve given me a lot to think about but maybe I should just go for a walk. 😄
😂 good one!
Same 🫶
Have a look at ACA ! Totally amazing and free. I’m a year in 😊
I told my aunts about my experience living with my parents without realizing it was toxic and abusive and they immediately had me move in with them. I found your channel shortly after I moved and I’m starting on my journey of inner work, thank you for making this channel and everything you do! I’m glad I got out and I’m glad that I learned that life won’t always be so difficult and unstable ❤️
What lovely Aunts💜 love your name💜
Your aunt is great
You're blessed. My aunt's knew I was going downhill and didn't do anything. Nobody did
Thank God for Good People!
That’s Family!
Im the aunt. What if the parent wont let them go. They would come stay with me in a flash. They always ask me. Their dad barely lets them visit
I exercise a lot!!!! lost 125lbs this year… but I’m still stuck in my head even during the exercise right now…
Everyone of these steps I have done and made the changes. Just talking in therapy years ago was useless for me. . You really are a wonderful resource and I recommend your channel alot.. And you scored with that shirt. Looking good. Aloha Friday. 🌴🌺
I had heard the phrases “golden child” and “scapegoat” before but until you said it, I didn’t realize it was an actual concept rooted in psychology. I’ve been googling and holy moly. This is my family dynamic exactly... narcissistic parent, sister was the scapegoat, I was the golden child. Thank you for your videos!!
Same i am the scapegost sisters was favored
Right?! Thank goodness for Google. I had a double whammy. I was Mom's golden child and Dad's scapegoat. That was fun.
Yeah majority of people don't realize this is a reality and not just sayings.i thank God I started researching this stuff while I am still in my situation cause I was literally being driven crazy.
Here's my story and evidence. the same constant gaslighting,being framed for stuff,lied on,having to lie on myself and even put on acts for people like my parents and getting locked up to fit other peoples agendas.
(Do not report this i will not get helped and my family will just make up a lie on me and I'll get locked up in a mental hospital
Which is worse than prison.)
I have been going through abuse my whole life and now i'm nearly 18.Now my parents can get away with it even more easily. cause my mom has false diagnoses all over me 11
That i know of but I am sure there's more.Which I didn't actually start getting diagnoses put on me till I moved in with my mom for the first time when I was 10 which I moved back and forth so when I was 12 that's when she started getting serious diagnoses put on me.my family takes advantage of those diagnoses so now when someone makes a DSS report or the police get involved my parents can just bring up the diagnoses and the social worker or police won't even talk to me or look at my video evidence going back to when I was 8 over 320
Videos.My parents just say I am "hallucinating,delusional,manipulative,lying" the list goes on with excuses they can make.here are the people that are calling me crazy
(THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ME LABELED AS INSANE,VIOLENT AND MORE.)⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇
(MY MOM she is first cause she is the one who got all the diagnoses put on me mostly by her self but with the help of Steven when he eventually came along)
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxHdpwnsxPLoIc0ySGqo1t2.html
(MY DAD🌟)
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxRDG9ajRU5Np94Xhco5HXW.html
(MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND)
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHxvOn_PGnjpgkW0cL5REW56.html
(MY SISTER although she is not the cause of the diagnoses and had no say so in it she does try to make it seem like I am the crazy one well plane out lying and that things aren't as bad as i think they are.#gaslighting)
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHzG5KucsJdpwQPsJX4DckQl.html
(HERE IS THE CHANNEl OF DAILY VIDEO
EVIDENCE) going back to when I was 8
Of different types of abuse I go through.
ua-cam.com/channels/jkV9F3jkP3r-qVIHB3gwww.html.
⬆⬆has to be typed into google.here's a playlist VIDEOS IN CORRECT ORDER⬇⬇⬇⬇
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHzaFRmkDx4pj9Fk0Kq5IVqr.html
There are a lot of playlist that put the different things that are happening in different categories so if you want you should look at all the different playlist.some of the categories are specific people do abusive stuff that they do.
here's one of the playlist from the channel.it has the videos in it that I think are the top craziest.
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHwyMQxKOXNcGygBaEo7coSZ.html
So here is the channel focussed on what mental hospitals are like and how deadly antipsychotics are it's my story of side effects I had and how I almost died from the pills over an abuse cover up.
with proof of the stuff i say in the description and video.it also give people advice on the description
it really depends on what they know and believe.
ua-cam.com/channels/S9hlrcVz9SUw_anmcAXbIQ.html
Tell me who is really crazy me or them?
I already know I don't actually have the diagnoses everyone knows.
ua-cam.com/play/PLnIepZjMetHyP-MtrqCI4RwnCQvOt_9FN.html
⬆⬆⬆⬆There's people admitting it or agreeing look at the first video.
people that have been around me and my parents have even told my parents this.Like girls my dad was around were questioning why I have diagnoses put on me that I obviously don't have and why I am taking pills that make my digestive system stop working, has me shaking with fevers,and makes me basically go into comas and lay in bed for 2 weeks straight
Yes!!! The word "scapegoat " hit me like a bullet!!!
Hey, I'm a golden child too. One thing to know about those terms as well is they aren't always fixed, a golden child can still be treated poorly and suffer. It took me a while to figure out because my family would chop and change depending on a lot of stuff
I left my abusive relationship with $300 no job backed my keep and moved to another state… scariest thing I’ve ever done
I had a therapist babble almost weekly for more than a year before I took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and dove into my own research to uncover after a couple of months a diagnosis of CPTSD. I have an ACES score of 8. My therapist never administered an ACES test. Neither my therapist nor my psychiatrist’s nurse (pill dude - I’ve never actually seen the psychiatrist) connected the symptoms I could describe - severe depression, fleeting, unpredictable, overwhelming anxiety, and total loss of focus which he described as ADHD - and those I couldn’t like the ancillary physical responses to stress triggers like dissociation, memory issues, lack of coherent thought, trouble with verbal communication, tingling/numbness in extremities, etc. I did not have the vocabulary and they weren’t trying to see beneath the surface. Consequently, I wasted more than a year, exhausted many of my insurance benefits and delayed meaningful treatment and recovery for more than a year. If I’d done that with an oncologist, I’d be looking for an attorney. But, because I’m only shelling out $300 a week to placate the make-believe issues that exist only in my head, I somehow don’t deserve to be taken seriously, the ailment is somehow less serious than cancer. I do and it’s not.
💚😎wow, you did brilliantly. Took me seven years to figure mine out😂🌻🌻🌻🕯️🕯️🕯️🎶💫✨have a really great life with ups or downs, rock on🎶💫✨💚🌻🕯️
Wow, this is SO relatable! I really needed to hear someone else describe this so clearly. Thanks for the validation, this just helped me take another step toward getting healthy. 🤗
#1 hit me hard. Im finally in a place physically, emotionally, and financially where I can begin to make a real plan. I feel like Ive been dreaming about it for years.. Thank you.
I agree. Distance with a toxic family helps provide yourself space to see things clearer and do the work.
I have gone to countless therapists. None of them ever talked to me like this or gave me proper ways to help deal with the trauma.
I feel like I have been charged for almost a decade worth of talking to a person and getting no proper feedback whatsoever. I have garnered more from you in 4 videos than I have in over a decade.
Truth !❤
I've always felt like I have to keep my past a secret in order to be accepted professionally and not judged for something I wasn't responsible for. It's difficult come Christmas when asked if I'll be spending it with family, I don't want anyone's pity, that implies an undeserved judgment.
Maybe when they say family, in your head you can interchange that word with “loved ones.” Your family can be those you love who you make your family. I know the question will still bring up those sudden feelings surrounding your biological family but hopefully, you will fill your life with those who love you kindly and only want your love in return 💗 Good luck in life.
UGHHHHH I HATE when holidays come around for this very reason 😡 I find it so presumptuous that people assume everyone has a Brady Bunch family situation! Abuse situations aside, how do they know Christmas etc. doesn't mark the anniversary of a death of a loved one for someone? Some ppl need to shove their Hallmark Channel - shaded glasses up their....oops...looks like I need Patrick's therapy right about now to unlearn this spiteful behaviour learned from childhood, lol 🙃😅 But seriously...I feel you
I cried my eyes out this morning while inadvertently reminiscing on my childhood trauma. Now, you appear and I am DEFINITELY here for this‼️🙏🏾
After years of choosing comfort and financial security over my wellbeing I've finally made the decision to get out. Everything you say is so true, I can see how no matter how much I tried to separate myself I was still being held back in life because of that hook. Life is hopeful now. I feel like I can finally heal myself and become the person I was meant to be. Thank you for sharing your blessed knowledge and for the confirmation that getting out was the right choice. Wishing everyone freedom and healing🙏💙
Being disabled myself, I was very grateful for that consideration. Advive to fellow dissers is to (if you can) go somewhere new, or just outside in the sun. It can help. Thanks for this vid Patrick, really helpful :)
Just to add: get barefoot and plant your feet on the ground/earth/grass if that‘s a possibility ❤️
@@mamafox6330 Definitely! Ooh, houseplants can help too. Gardening Lite
Or get into what you hear or watch. If you can gaze out of the window and see trees or birds or if you hear the sound of children playing football or the wind blowing in the trees is also a good way of getting out if you are disabled. Or ask someone who can help you taste new stuff.
I had been bedridden and unable to leave the house for years, before I was able to get some real help. So I learned to wiggle my feet and hang over the side of the bed. Started doing arm exercises too. This last summer sat outside with my bare feet on the grass. Listening to bible verses (I'm a Christian). Listen to something that makes You happy.
I appreciated the consideration a lot too. Little things can be great--even just a meditation where you do a body scan and breathing exercises.
Childhood trauma affects a person in a worst way when they are getting older. That is from my experience.
Yes why is that .unfinished business perhaps
I agree fully. Unfortunately uninformed people think that by then you should “be over it.”
Great shirt!
I really struggle with #4 - consistency and stability were "prohibited" and any mention of it would lead to rage attacks. Even if I manage a week (which is my record in the last 7-8 years), I just get panic attacks that something bad will happen or why it hasn't already (if it was behind my back) and just collapse (mentally). Thank you so much for bringing it up - it's a really shame-inducing "behavior" and so few people get that it's not just "I don't feel like it" or "I don't wanna put the effort in" , but a lifelong conditioning with tremendous consequences. Just having meals at approximate times e.g. between 5-7pm is nearly impossible for me. It just keeps "reminding" me that I'm either damaged beyond repair or just so worthless and good-for-nothing that I can't even do that. Just thank you for bringing it up.
What a powerful and impressive comment! You may find it difficult to believe, but the truth is that you have intrinsic worth that no one can ever take away from you, or "assign" to you. It's there within you, always, regardless of whatever assigned role you are playing at the time. As an example, I related to your post immediately, and felt inspired by it, thank you!!! It is not the big consistencies that win the game. It's the little ones. If you don't eat dinner between 5 and 7 pm everyday.... shrug.....😯 the real question is: did you have dinner today? Did you put something nutritious into your deserving and worthy body? That is all. Baby steps. No regrets. Be here now. Yesterday is only alive in our mind. Again, thank you for your vulnerability and courage.
💚✨🕯️💛🕯️✨💚🎶in empathy, and go grl🕯️✨u rock🎶🕯️🎶
@@notpub Thank you. From me too, beautiful words. Means a lot when often many "don't moan" yet may feel lighter after this acknowledgement, inner acknowledgement, for then to me, it feels there is space from which to notice how free we really are, as you say, always a sense from within. I find it funny it appears as if it's coming from outer space sometimes, then I realise it's kinda one n the same. Trippy😂💫🌻well, have a great weekend🎶✨💫🌻
12:26 as someone who sadly goes to bed at 3am every single night I feel very outed right now.
I know, I was like, “that’s a little on the nose, Patrick!”
Same😂
If you are close to my time zone, you're probably awake right now so, in case no one has told you recently, I'm going to take this opportunity to remind you that You are loved and you are worthy of love exactly as you are. God hasn't forgotten you and He loves you so much. God bless as you fall asleep tonight ❤
I had to run away from home when I was 13 because of some serious abuse. the street was safer than my family. I was taken in by a family n experienced a different kind of abuse there. at 16 I attempted suicide in their house. im not sure which family did more damage to me. my entire adult life has been challenging. its very difficult to have/maintain relationships. trust, I just don't have any. its a shame what some adults do to kids.
I am doing all these things...therapy, weekly trauma group and EMDR. I am very low contact with my borderline mother...I like how you talked about how these things can "create more space inside you". After my first trauma workshop thats exactly how I described it...."its like I have more space inside me now and I am more comfortable in my body". Thank you for your videos!! They really help! :)
'We can't heal if we have perpetrators with us'...I needed to be reminded of that today.. not that I live with one... but too often I end up working with 1 (or more). Thanks for the reminder.
Absolutely true…no one can get ahead with that continual abuse in our face,….you must take that out of your life….you have to shut it down, by either moving away, going to police….FIND PEACE, get rid of the NEGATIVITY…..
Leaving my current job mainly due to this reason. I can't tolerate the constant teasing and subtle manipulation from certain co-workers and I've about had enough of that bullshit. I'm currently working on my inner child and people-pleasing and I am making good, slow progress but every time I step into work and deal with these co-workers, it's like one step forward, seven steps back exactly. I want to assertively communicate my boundaries but my tank is just near empty as soon as they are talking to me and I can't deal with it. So glad I am putting a long-term plan into motion now to rid that toxicity.
I'm just realizing how amazing my therapist was, because she did all what you recommended here.
A parent passing away leaving a child is also extreme trauma, nobody talks about that.
Loads of people talk about that. And that is an entirely different thing than what is being discussed here.
Hi I like and need some form of help but I'm not sure what to do. When you're growing up you sometimes don't realize how things aren't right but when you start trying to live your life you realize that you don't communicate correctly. I was never emotionally trained in any way. I was not talked to a lot at home. We were flogged regularly for weird things like someone was giggling behind me in church. Over50 now and just realizing how bizarre everything acutely was. Family still believes I'm the bad one because I left.
Yes. I’m in the same boat. You say flogged I say beat.
I know what you mean--my sister was driving my dad's jeep, I was the passenger. We were hit by a drunk driver and my dad was furious at me. Crazy, crazy people, my family.
Im 46 and can relate. So many years lost because I couldn't see myself in any positive way. And im the jerk for being the one who left the wasps nest
I used to have a therapist who had almost no input, and who would just sit there all quiet forever when I stopped talking. It was baffling, and I never knew what I was there to talk about. I was an incredibly emotionally inhibited 20-something not used to talking about feelings, I could've really used some input. The most baffling thing about it was that after a couple of years of that the therapist got visibly frustrated that I wasn't getting anywhere and that I didn't seem to know what to talk about (I often brought up this issue in the sessions). I think she felt redundant, but she was certainly making herself so. The more I think about this afterwards the more I start wondering how she sees her own role as a therapist. This has really made it clear to me that therapy isn't just about whatever the client wants to talk about, and that input is vital, but also that some therapists kind of have unreasonable or downright delusional expectations about client breakthroughs. Imagine being a therapist and being mad at a client for a lack of breakthroughs when you're literally just sitting on your ass and listening.
Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families -
I've attended an ACA phone meeting almost daily for the last 4 years and it has absolutely changed my life.
At 15 I was at my end. I know now if I hadn’t left when I did I would have taken my own life. I researched for months on a solution. Came up with a plan and finally at 16 I took my family to court and got away from them. I had to grow up quick after that and it’s wasn’t easy but I don’t regret it for a minute. It was the best decision I ever made. And now I spend my early 20’s healing and trying to understand my trauma.
I like the disclaimer for AA. It can help but it's not for everyone.
Why isn’t it for everyone?
@@emilyvazquez1327 my assumption based on what I heard from people who’ve tried it is that the sponsor-sponsee relationship can be retraumatizing for untreated trauma survivors as it can be dogmatic - like if you drink one drop, you are failing at sobriety. AAs do not treat the root of trauma, but only helps you to attain sobriety from drinking, which people can easily relapse without treating trauma. I hope that helps .
@@jessicamusicslife465 exactly. Unfortunately many people will cling to it but never fix the real underlying issue. So they end up in the same cycle. My dad had done AA when I was a kid but of course it didnt work because it didnt fix the underlying problem. That my mom is a narcissist.
@@simplyauthentic2022 yuuuuuuuup
@@jessicamusicslife465 agreed 100%
The shirt matches his eyes 💙 what up Family Issues Fam yall be legit
…after the blue heart emoji, there’s all these words….what does any of that mean….is it some sort of tribal english language ?
@@jocelynbelle2946 I was joking, I know exactly what it is….I watch plenty movies with type of lingo…..
….Most of those who speak that way don’t really seem to be that well educated ( in the movies)…
If they have gone to school for even 1 day…..I don’t get how people think it’s cool and deliberately put on
That lingo…it does sound genuine though and I totally accept it if you’re like a drug lord or something of the likes…
But all to his own, whatever floats your boat….personally, I sort of pee my pants when I hear it…
@@jocelynbelle2946 have a good day 😂😂😂, gosh I love the internet
#4 Build Consistency- I hug myself when I get up now every morning and box breathe. I used to wake up and say okay loser get out of bed and drag myself out from under the blankets. Then I would begin to dread leaving the house and going to work. Breaking negative messages to myself upon waking is so important for me to have a good start to the day. Now I say: I can do hard things. I am worthy of help and support. I've got this. Way better way to start my day.
I am so glad you mentioned EMDR. It has been the most effective therapy I've ever experienced and I don't think enough people know about it.
how many sessions did it take for you to see a differnce?
@@tnt01 I saw differences within the first few sessions. It can be rough work though. I had nightmares about things I hadn't thought about in years. However, those nightmares helped me figure out where my problems were rooted and my therapist helped me work through them.
@@jenthor2921 great, take care.
It’s been amazing for me too!
Not sure if my family classifies as toxic, but I sometimes wonder if I am making excuses for them. I feel like I tolerate a lot at home. I know that my older brother is a narcissist and everyone else in the house has a hard time coexisting with him. Like you said, I am thinking of a strategy to get out.
I think my family is under the threshold of being truly toxic - more ignorant and in a tough situation. This made it so much easier for me to make excuses for them. But even if those excuses are logical and based in reality, I see now in retrospect I was using that to deny myself and stop myself from being heard. As I've been expressing myself more and letting my voice be heard over those excuses, things have been getting better.
You're such a good man 😣♥🙏 thank you so much for helping all of us, just because you want to...Bless xoxo
moving out of my parents house means finally being able to let myself heal
Adult Children of Alcoholics addresses specifically those of us who did not grow up in alcoholic families. The textbook has a chapter on this as well. I can’t stress enough how helpful this group is. At your first meeting you don’t have to say a thing, except your first name. That’s it. You can just listen. You’ll soon learn that you are among other trauma victims who will not give you advice or force anything on you. Just sit and listen. You’ll soon know that you are “home.”
Yes! The full name is Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families, so if your family was dysfunctional without alcoholism, you are most certainly welcome at ACA meetings.
11:44 the tip on consistency! In a comment section of another video someone was talking about the power of mediocre consistency and how it really adds up even when it’s something small. I really liked this concept because consistency feels like the hardest thing in the world but just having mediocre consistency for whatever reason was a concept I immediately fell in love with.
It’s so difficult to look at the truth about the negative things you bring to social situations. I’m really struggling as I see all of the ways I’ve damaged my relationships. But I keep telling myself that I’m able to look at these things and face the difficult realities. That’s something that my toxic family can never do. Instead of looking at their own problems, they’ve just scapegoated me and shifted all the blame. This is our way out. This is the path to freedom. We can change these things and we can recover from our toxic childhoods. It’s not an easy road which is why most people don’t go down this road. I’m praying for everyone else out there who is struggling with this.
I hated 12 steps. Too much public sharing. Tried different kinds. Hard to have consistent friends. I do like meditation, guided imagery, Journaling, listening to lectures. Thank your for this channel!
I know you said not to take it as a criticism, I know it wasn’t intended as one, but the “what do you bring to the table” crushed me 😞 how do I stop behaving in a way that I myself don’t even like, let alone others around me? How do I stop being so negative when I want so badly to be positive? How do I stop apologizing and making myself small? I feel like that’s my only solution to being too gruff and grumpy.. removing myself from the conversation.
My job can cause me stress. When I get in that stressful place at work, I function. No one knows, but my mind is full of every terrible thing my mother and other's told me I am. I can tell myself I'm a POS over and over in my head. All while I function in the workplace. It's exhausting.
In your Childhood PTSD Questionnaire, there was one item that touched on a lack of feeling joy and spontaneity. I have found this struggle to be really puzzling, since it's unlike "holding back" troublesome feelings like anger. There's nothing to let go, it's just no longer there. Like the ceiling of my emotions has been lowered and everything has been dulled to a nub. I no longer have spontaneous feelings that I should do something because I will get joy out of it - there are only things that I "should do" and "should not do" and joy or excitement are never involved. Do you have any recommended tools or methods for recovering these feelings?
Me too! I think you are the first person who articulated this feeling so well…..I too, would be forever grateful to get my “happy” and my joy for life back
Please share tools for reawakening joy!?!?
Richard Grannon has spoken a lot about this. Essentially the theory is that when you face a lot of overwhelming negative emotions (fear, dispair, sorrow, shame and whatever) your preference becomes to suppress feelings. So you become sort of "feelingless", but functioning. Or "high functioning depression". You do chores, go to work, engage intellectually in things, but with little to no emotion. Keeps you from connecting with your true passions, desires, values, love, and thriving.
So, his solution (which I have tried, and it works if you stick with it) is to become emotionally "literalte". It essentially means "get in touch with what you actually feel by actually asking yourself."
The exercise is easy. You write "I feel" on a piece of paper or a notebook dedicated to this stuff. Then you name 2-4 emotions you know you are feeling. Say you write "shame" and "frustration" or "confusion". Write them as a list, or draw them in three circles, whatever you like.
Then you write 2-4 emotions that are underlying to those main emotions. So, under shame you might write "isolated", "disgust" and "sorrow" - those can be tied to your shame, as an example.
When you do this, you essentially force yourself to pay attention to what you feel. You don't analyze why, you just notice what you feel. No judgement. If you do this once everey day, or more, for weeks, you literally start to feel more, and feel more accepting of yourself.
Also - don't be afraid to watch movies or listen to music that emotionally "triggers" you. If you start to cry as soon as you see a sad movie, you have some saddness inside of you that you probably shouldn't suppress.
Hope this can help someone :)
@@fromeveryting29 This is helpful, thank you 🙂
I feel this to my bones and idk how to fix it
I found it was False Guilt, or shame, or neurosis. Everyone's problems were my responsibility. I started doing chakra balancing work via Sahaja Yoga, which included putting the right hand, at the base of the neck, on the left side of the neck, turning head to the right, and stating loudly, 3 times: "I'm Not Guilty Of Anything At All" x 3
The antidote is apparently Playful Detachment.
Within a week I was free! Joy returned!
And I noticed that I'd been smothering people.
15:40 hit me hard. For years I thought I didn’t deserve to show up fully expressed in certain parts of my life. It took me a long time to realize that my own worth and value is independent of how others see and judge me. Self-limiting beliefs are hard to overcome but it’s not impossible.
I really enjoy your channel. Thanks for sharing your insights and guidance. 🙏
It's a very wintery 42 degrees fahrenheit here in Canberra, Australia. So that shirt is a symbol of optimism for me.
It's not that I couldn't get to therapy, or that I don't believe in it. I didn't have the direction. It was too overwhelming to start because I didn't know what I needed.
So thank you. For all the information you put out for free. Knowledge is power. I know myself better and I have felt so much more grounded since finding your information. I am eternally grateful.
My biggest healing tool has been expanding my social circle. I’m able to socialise reasonably comfortably now and I’m now mentally a lot healthier now. Im not cured but I’m a lot better
For those who are minors in the these situations, talking to a school counselor might help to finding alternate housing. I knew someone in high school who talked to their counselor and was able to move out into a youth's housing of sorts because they were experiencing abuse.
I went to school counselor in high school. That was a mistake unfortunately. She had my mom come to the school so we could do a counseling session together. Of course my mom tried to play innocent and make me look like the bad kid. I was so quiet and shy as a kid. Never did anything bad except “not do my chores properly”. Shortly after seeing the school counselor with my mom, things got worse. I ended up getting a black eye from her and then my mom made me move out to live with my grandpa. So she “couldn’t hurt me anymore”. Eventually I went back to her house. But things didn’t change. She was so physically and mentally abusive. Now I am 32 years old and she is no longer apart of my life.
school couselors often call parents. this ALWAYS makes things worse
@@8covers938 agreed. They need different protocols for these types of situations :/ it made me never want to go ask for help again.
WHATEVER YOU DO PLS DONT DO THIS !!!! All these asshole counselors do is call your parents and make things worse. I know because that’s what I did and all my mom did was beat the shit out of me and it made things worse at home. All I’ve ever known was abuse I left when I graduated highschool. completely cut my family out of my life and moved to another state. Never looked back and I’ve never been more at peace
Building plans to leave is HARD, but I don't think I'll be able to grow and become myself until I am far from my biological family. I'm an adult with little formal education and only now I am starting to see how unfit for society I've become due to my parents sabotage of every attempt I've made to leave and become independent.
Your channel is very helpful, thanks.
You can do it, even with little formal education (which can come later if you want it). Build your nest egg, develop a support group, plan for the future you but keep it under wraps until you are already out the door. Do NOT go back for any reason (poverty, guilt, etc) but just keep focusing on the future you. Everyone deserves peace and love and if you can’t get it from your family of origin, make a new family of friends. Make sure you don’t recreate the same toxic family though. You will need time to heal and therapy to make sure you make future good choices. It is SO worth it even if you struggle. I am 61 and left at 17 and it only got better with every passing year. I would have never believed how good life could become once I was free.
Thank you for all you're doing.
You raise a great point! I noticed that during periods where my parents were looking sturdier and more stable, I would both feel relieved that they were feeling better AND I could also feel my anger towards them more than usual :)
I never realized how much trauma i suffered in my childhood until I was well into adulthood, my 50's. I knew life hadn't been what would be considered normal, but thought some people had it worse. Now I realize how badly it affected me & my life. I have health insurance that covers therapy, but a therapist on their list. I tried two, the first one talked the entire hour and didn't ask me anything about me, my life, etc. She talked about her other patients and how bad they had it. Then told me I should be thankful I didn't have their problems, when she knew nothing about me or my life. I left and never returned.
The second one asked me specific questions, and just had me talk. I had two appointments, after the second one she told me she was booked the next four months out. So I just said thank you enjoy your summer and that was it.
It's been difficult to find anyone good and I gave up looking, it's a waste of time going through that, it feels discouraging and disappointing, and Ive had enough of that in my life. Plus I don't want to keep going over the same story again and again, I want to progress.
Thank you for all your videos.
so grateful you said 12 steps not for everyone. There is so much pressure - if you stop going you become sick again - one good reason for leaving,
When you said that about the inner child "nabbing" you I could actually start to feel that as an almost constant thing holding me down.
Its like constantly like, "Yep. I knew it." And it wants to win despite the cost.
Usually its like Im just sort of wanting to wrestle it to submission, "Stop screwing me!". But its like , "You first.".
But that really kind of jolted me when you gave an example, "I knew you wouldn't...". Like damn its so cold! But that helps me feel it more. Usually Im just bulldozing it and its making me feel more stuck.
I need those jolts. Helps me reconnect to myself just a bit more.
HOW can I help myself remember my childhood???? I have so few memories and I feel like if I remembered more, I would be able to understand so much more about why I am the way I am.
I'm finding, for me, there is a strong connection between action and forming new beliefs and healthy self talk. I now believe it is possible to rewrite the scripts in my mind.
I had to stop going to the therapist who was using emdr, I realized I was being re traumatized and paying for it. The exercise is good advice. Getting out of abuse and going no contact.
I totally suffer with the flashbacks of what I heard during this treatment. Good thing I only remember what I heard not what I saw
Looking back at how I Unconsciously coped/ protected myself from the home toxic family dynamic as a teenager
1 . I got a weekend part time job
I thought I just wanted extra money but looking back I was really removing myself from the potential physical/ verbal abuse that I encountered regularly as the escape goat.
2. I'd get involved in all kinds of extra curricular activities ...at the time I didn't know it but again anything to not be home. Dance, drama, gym, tutoring, volunteering.
3. As soon as I was able I bought a car, I remember how bad my family tried to discourage me from buying a car, but when I did It was like getting my wings and I was unreachable because I was always out of sight until I was able to move out.
I literally just showered and slept at home from like 14 to 19.
Re: Escape Goat vs. Scapegoat; I don't know if that was intentional wording or predictive text error but it's a BRILLIANT play on words. The Scapegoat Escapes :-)
This is my therapist. It has been a waste of time. I can't get another one because of the health system in my country. I feel trapped. I'm 36 and still hate adults and don't want to be a one.
I'll never heal then because I have no way of moving financially. My Dr. just writes it off as oh well you have somewhere to live its fine. I have pets and I have no financial prospects and its a housing crisis. I'm so scared I'll never get away. I just had that fight with my mother that sets me back every time. I wish there was something I could do.
Thanking you, at 77 years of age, finally went to a payed physiotherapist yesterday. I have so much to unpack & deal with, in order to "claim my life". Nobody else can do the work for us! Peace to you & your followers 🙏
I ran away from home at 17, clueless, went back trauma tized at 23 with a child, built new trauma bonds. They are both gone, I had to forgive to live.
I take psych meds...never wanted to open up to therapist or counselor (stranger)..I had a traumatic child hood & just hearing your videos are extremely therapeutic. Childhood really affects your entire outlook on your life. Perception, relationships, everything..
am i the only one who thought about him being my internet dad and then started crying?
The more I see and hear healthy, the more I realize how unhealthy and toxic my family are.
Calling my mom tends to lend to days of “being in my head” and I recognize how dangerous this actually is for me as I age and my response times are delayed and distraction responses intensified. In my head after these conversations have resulted in many driving near misses and one accident. Also, ruining meals and once leaving a pot on the stove that caught fire. The rumination, lack of sleep, reprocessing truly is detrimental and I’ve gone no contact for the past six months due to the fall out of the last engagement. But I don’t really want that to be a permanent solution. Safety first. Adult in place lol. I don’t think I’ve met her yet 🤣. I’m 58🤷♀️ She is 80. She has outlived my tolerance ability
My mother lived to 102 (died in February) and I am 61. I went no contact with her decades before and only wish I had done it sooner. To people who are impressed with my mother’s longevity, I respond with ‘only the good die young’. Many people tried to tell me ‘she’s the only mother you have’ to which I said ‘thank god there is only one of her’. Don’t let your parent’s age make you feel you should have contact with them. Not speaking lovingly about your mother is uncomfortable in our society. But I decided I would not whitewash a cold, manipulative, abusive woman to make others feel comfortable. My older siblings are still suffering from the after effects of our upbringing but I decided I wouldn’t waste anymore of my life trying to chase after someone’s love. We are all worthy of love and if your parents won’t love you, find other people who will.
Yes, it just keeps going. Even as we are well into adulthood
@@lindabourcet1349 One of the things that is so frustrating about dealing with an abusive parent or spouse is that they can be wonderfully kind and nice to others and monstrous just to you. So if you’re trying to tell some other person what you’re really going through they just won’t believe you.
@@Pammellam thanks for the reply. My mom wasn’t a horrible person, she was just not ‘mother material’. She was raised at a time and in a religion where women were expected to be mothers. Not every women has what it takes to be a kind, loving mother. She would have been much happier to have been childless. Unfortunately, her children didn’t understand that and we thought we were unloveable. I figured out early enough that if she didn’t love me, I would find others who did and managed to have a wonderful loving family of my own. My siblings had a tougher time and struggled in their relationships. Our society makes mothers out to be saints and thinks childless women are selfish or deficient. When I have spoken about my mother’s inability to be a ‘good’ mother, people get very uncomfortable. Even though many people have difficult childhoods, you are not supposed to criticize mothers. Until we can allow women to choose becoming a mother or not with the same status (neither being inherently better), we will have women who are ‘bad’ mothers, ruining their own and their children’s lives.
@@lindabourcet1349 I hear you! Same here.
I recommend any books by Alice Miller for insights in childhood abuse and the relationship of the child with the mother. It would even be useful for your siblings even if this date to read these books. You can find her books on Amazon and there are other books by her as well.
Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society's Betrayal of the Child and
For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence by Alice Miller
I got out! :) It may sound simple but your real healing begins after you get out.
9) do some inner child work in context of your childhood
8) find some community
7) find a therapist where you're doing work not just talking
6) move your body get out of your head
5) find a somatic practitioner aka body work
4) Build consistency
3) nail your family system
2) know what you bring to the table
1) get out
I just happened to trip onto your video and I wasn't sure why until I listened and you mentioned three things I'm having issues with lol. I had no idea, at my age, that I would still have issues from my childhood! I left home at 16 but, I went on to finish HS and get my AS Degree then enlisted and finished my BS Degree. However, I'm just now realizing and facing issues head on blah. Thank you for your video! I needed this...
God bless my escape. I still fight with myself about cutting my toxic family off but every interaction I allow it hurts and so it's so much nicer to live without fear or scrutiny. Even if my circle is beyond small.
It took me WAY too long to get out of my toxic family situation. My mother manipulated me with staying. It was a "I want you out of my home and out of my life" that would swing to tears and "wherever you go, you can't leave me behind and need to have space for me in your life and home!" But, I recently moved about 4 months ago. It's a rough struggle adjusting to not having that in my daily life, but getting out was the best thing ever. Getting out with enforcing the boundaries....
Do you think you could make a video for those of us who currently can’t leave a toxic situation, anything that we can do to help ourselves while we are still stuck here?
The saddest part is when sometimes the faulted parents are hurt and confused by their now adult children's triggered outburst, they don't understand what they have been doing wrong but still not feel inclined enough to try put in effort to understand nor change because its been a long while before anyone realized something is wrong. Now it's too late and your parents are getting old and vulnerable while you are getting stronger and bolder and angrier, and you feel guilty when they don't know why by simply making a stupid joke about you, it grants them your uncontrollable violent tantrum in return. You realize things can only get worse if neither party wants to be the real mature individual, so you move out... thinking this is better because you don't want to hurt them like they hurt you, and wishing to see them only when your in a good head space and has extra energy to put up with their bullshit.
That's not the saddest part. It's the fact that children have to teach themselves that they're being gaslighted and abused and can't do anything about it until they're an adult. The saddest part is NOT THE ABUSIVE PARENTS.
I think the saddest part is the fact that the child realized how those collective bad childhood experiences affected them so deeply too late, carrying all of that baggage into adulthood. Those negative emotions boiling under in turn, impacting their adult lives. And because the parents are getting older, they have no one left to hold their hand providing reassurance. Left alone to forever pick up the broken pieces of their childhood.
I just had 3 days of constant triggers form my toxic family that I am stuck staying with currently. I was so proud of myself for cleaning my room that was SO cluttered (after my therapy session. )
#2 is huge. Same as you, the only thing I had to offer was negativity, gossip and backstabbing. I didn’t know how to communicate with people unless it was to talk smack. My family taught us jealousy and envy which manifested in gossip, about others and about eachother. And that seemed normal to me. It was shocking to me to meet people who didn’t behave that way. I thought that they had a problem when they couldn’t communicate with me that way. I assumed they were secretly hiding their true (toxic gossiping) selves when others weren’t looking. It wasn’t until very recently that I realized that this was because of being raised in a dysfunctional toxic family.
I'm glad to find your channel. God bless you 🙏.
#1 really is it. Getting out from the narcissistic abuse saved my life. From when I was 5 years old I was depressed and soon became suicidal. I didn't think it was possible to ever leave, I felt so hopelessly trapped. Then I actually lost a friend to suicide, and it hurt so much, and I broke down, I didn't want the same pain to be experienced by my friends. I wish my friend knew he wasn't alone in these thoughts, but with men they are told not to talk about mental health anyway.
I thought I was going to die by suicide from when I was 5-18, but with the help of a crisis counsellor after weeks of speaking about my suicidality I was encouraged to get out of the abuse with an emergency bag. I've never been back. I've made it three years longer than I ever thought I would as a child. I wish I had these resources, these videos and content but I'm so glad it exists for younger folk now. it is so helpful now after the abuse and trying to process everything that happened.. I still struggle to recognize how strong I was for getting out because breaking those family ties was extremely difficult. We really can not heal if we are living with perpetrators. I could only begin to see the answers and the dynamics for the narcassistic abuse it really was after leaving. It was scary, it was hard, I'm still struggling, but at least I am still alive. I could do it, so I just hope to inspire others that they can escape as well.
Thank you so much for giving me the alternative terminology for the inner child as part of the “trauma brain “… Some of my clients really cannot connect to the phrase “inner child” but I think this might work for them
Growing up I was told to think before I spoke and did things. I don't trust my instincts at all due to some pretty serious mistakes... trying to teach yourself everything your parents didn't... there are too many things I don't even know I don't know! One day at a time, new growth everyday
You, sir, are an extra good human. Thank you for this, you are helping a lot of people, including me.