Wow! The youtube algorithm gods are really working today as I'm also dismissive avoidant and it sent me your video just now. Being DA is exhausting. I want nothing more than to be in a secure committed relationship but (with the exception of one relationship that sadly didn't work out) I have never felt ''all in" despite wanting to. I get the common FOMO experience that people get, the doubts about new people that inevitably creep in, but I have another issue where I am terrified of being responsible for someone else's emotional pain and after two rough breakups since 2020, the first 11 years and the second 1 year, I am absolutely terrified of hurting someone again and have pushed people away while dating after just a few weeks now. It's really an awful way to be. Would love to know what realisations you had to get past the feelings of FOMO and if the "responsible for someone else's emotional pain" aspect rings through would love to know how you dealt with that. Thanks for sharing!
Sounds like you have insight! You are observing, but not participating. Healing as an avoidant takes time. Knowing it's safe takes time. In my book, there a picture in every chapter called the Autonomic Ladder. You're in "I'm Alert". My book will give you lots of helpful information. Chapter Two is about attachment styles. The book is "Who Am I? A Deep Dive Through Spiritual Wounding to Identity".
A rare avoidant who can not only see the problem but will take responsibility and face up to yourself. I still wouldn’t believe it till I saw it in action. Two ideas. Avoidant people are highly destructive in relationships. I just ended one, nipped it in the bud after several seemingly perfect months with a woman. Then for no apparent reason she shut down. I recognized the behavior and three days later ended it completely. I have zero tolerance having been in such a relationship many years ago. I’m here wondering how it was I tripped up and didn’t recognize it from the start. At least I got in before she did the inevitable, even though for months she said it was the relationship she had always dreamed of. Avoid avoidants at all costs.
As a recovering avoidant, it is a self-protective thing we learn as kids. Avoidants need to know it's safe. I'm wondering if your ex had some other things included. Anxious, avoidants, and anxious avoidants are all wounded. Not many people are truly securely attached without hints of other things going on. I think it's a very big generalization to suggest that avoidants are all highly destructive in relationships. Simply put, they will tend to avoid intimacy because it's too vulnerable.
@@AuthorKaraHudson …I appreciate what you have written and there’s no question that labeling someone ‘avoidant’, ‘anxious’, ‘narcissist’ or anything else is highly simplistic and it is way more complex that simple boxes we tend to categorize people into for apparent ease. In my view that includes going way beyond supposed childhood traumas of abuse or neglect etc. in saying that, life is also pretty simple in many ways and on the one hand the child may be hurt but the adult is still responsible and has choices. The simple choice between shutting down emotionally and communicating “i need you to be aware I feel myself closing down right now” is the difference between someone who has faced up to themselves and is trying like the rest of us and someone who hasn’t. So in direct response to your comment, and I mean no disrespect, anyone that avoid intimacy, are indeed highly destructive to relationships and that is what avoidants do. Just like the rest of us, they too need to ‘do the work’. I will add that I don’t judge the person because as a ‘self aware empath’ (another label for the sake of a conversation) I see the person clearly, it is the behaviour that I judge and that goes for all of us, myself included.
Wow! The youtube algorithm gods are really working today as I'm also dismissive avoidant and it sent me your video just now. Being DA is exhausting. I want nothing more than to be in a secure committed relationship but (with the exception of one relationship that sadly didn't work out) I have never felt ''all in" despite wanting to. I get the common FOMO experience that people get, the doubts about new people that inevitably creep in, but I have another issue where I am terrified of being responsible for someone else's emotional pain and after two rough breakups since 2020, the first 11 years and the second 1 year, I am absolutely terrified of hurting someone again and have pushed people away while dating after just a few weeks now. It's really an awful way to be. Would love to know what realisations you had to get past the feelings of FOMO and if the "responsible for someone else's emotional pain" aspect rings through would love to know how you dealt with that. Thanks for sharing!
Sounds like you have insight! You are observing, but not participating. Healing as an avoidant takes time. Knowing it's safe takes time.
In my book, there a picture in every chapter called the Autonomic Ladder. You're in "I'm Alert". My book will give you lots of helpful information. Chapter Two is about attachment styles. The book is "Who Am I? A Deep Dive Through Spiritual Wounding to Identity".
😊😊😊
A rare avoidant who can not only see the problem but will take responsibility and face up to yourself. I still wouldn’t believe it till I saw it in action.
Two ideas. Avoidant people are highly destructive in relationships. I just ended one, nipped it in the bud after several seemingly perfect months with a woman. Then for no apparent reason she shut down. I recognized the behavior and three days later ended it completely. I have zero tolerance having been in such a relationship many years ago. I’m here wondering how it was I tripped up and didn’t recognize it from the start. At least I got in before she did the inevitable, even though for months she said it was the relationship she had always dreamed of. Avoid avoidants at all costs.
As a recovering avoidant, it is a self-protective thing we learn as kids. Avoidants need to know it's safe. I'm wondering if your ex had some other things included. Anxious, avoidants, and anxious avoidants are all wounded. Not many people are truly securely attached without hints of other things going on. I think it's a very big generalization to suggest that avoidants are all highly destructive in relationships. Simply put, they will tend to avoid intimacy because it's too vulnerable.
@@AuthorKaraHudson …I appreciate what you have written and there’s no question that labeling someone ‘avoidant’, ‘anxious’, ‘narcissist’ or anything else is highly simplistic and it is way more complex that simple boxes we tend to categorize people into for apparent ease.
In my view that includes going way beyond supposed childhood traumas of abuse or neglect etc.
in saying that, life is also pretty simple in many ways and on the one hand the child may be hurt but the adult is still responsible and has choices. The simple choice between shutting down emotionally and communicating “i need you to be aware I feel myself closing down right now” is the difference between someone who has faced up to themselves and is trying like the rest of us and someone who hasn’t.
So in direct response to your comment, and I mean no disrespect, anyone that avoid intimacy, are indeed highly destructive to relationships and that is what avoidants do.
Just like the rest of us, they too need to ‘do the work’.
I will add that I don’t judge the person because as a ‘self aware empath’ (another label for the sake of a conversation) I see the person clearly, it is the behaviour that I judge and that goes for all of us, myself included.