If they are unhealthy - they've convinced themselves beyond any doubt it was the right thing to do. So, in that circumstance, they don't regret it. They might be sad, but they believe the grass is greener elsewhere. The really unhealthy ones will (internally) blame you for not being "ideal."
Discarded suddenly over text by my 2 year relationship FA boyfriend. Took him 2 months to delete our couple photos from Facebook and he hasn’t asked for my key or brought back my house keys or stuff I’d left at his house. What gives? Is on the fence, keeping one last reason for reaching out, or completely avoiding me? My home is on the same street as his office, so it’s not some inconvenience.
@@nonenone-n3z Egoistic attention seeking - or "hoovering" as it's known when done by Narcs. They'll use any means to say "Look! I'm still here!! Look at me, you can't forget me,"
@@nonenone-n3z It's both. Keeping one's items is a DA thing so it makes sense since FA is a mix of DA and AA. (I'm a healed FA too) At first they won't give stuff back because it will mean being in direct contact, and they are focused on avoiding you. But if they change their mind later, it becomes a tool to get to see you again. It's a win-win situation for them essentially.
When my ex sabotaged our relationship, he said he had been having a lot of internal pain, and conflict. I asked him who of his friends and family did he go to for support about these things, he said me. Only me, and only ever me. It breaks my heart for him, and me. Because I think if he had the courage to stay and work on everything with me, it could have been something beautiful. But he chose to stay gone.
Question for you the moment conflict happened my DA ghosted me but she keeps me on her CF list on insta and she watches all my stories would like a women’s perspective on why she does this also we are about 2 months no contact
It was the same with my DA ex. Even when we finally broke up (he kinda made me to do it), he said I was one of the very few closest people to him. I knew it was true, I was the only person he had any emotional vulnerability with, the only one to whom he came when he needed support. And yet, he just decided I'll leave him eventually, and that ending this relationship sooner than later will save him from heartbreak. I couldn't understand it for a very long time. I was questioning if the whole thing was even real. Now, I am finally over him and this relationship, but it took me a long time to get here. And I'm sad for him, he is so lonely and unhappy - but I couldn't help him, if he wasn't willing to work on himself. We could have created something beautiful together, and I know he wanted that. Still, without a courage and consistency, love is not enough. I wish him all the best, I hope he'll find a will to face his fears one day. But I couldn't wait for him to maybe do it one day. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I've done, and probably the best for me and for him.
Mine said he had an angel and devil on either shoulder. So very similar. Yet they will be pick what they are comfortable with... and that is always a discard without any remorse for their partner
Yup, my ex has no close relationships. I was the only one that was close so that makes it a lot harder for them to heal. Instead they will do numbing and distraction, hoping it'll be enough. But it's doubtful. Instead after the next relationship ends they'll have two breakups to process as it will being up unhealed wounds.
My ex DA told me after a year she needed time to heal from her previous abusive relationship. Our relationship was great and she always told me how safe I made her feel. She told me that she just needed a little time and I was reluctant, but understanding that is something she expressed as a need. She said “Thank you for being so amazing” fast forward 2 weeks later and she went Facebook official in a relationship with her abusive ex. This was yesterday I saw the post and when I called her out she said “I have been trying to give you signs I was pulling away forever.” She was literally at my place every night and the day she said she needed a break she was talking about how her ex abused her and she had so much trauma due to it. I just have to understand it is her and not me because nothing else makes any sense. I am completely lost and heartbroken, but I am luckily secure enough to know I always did my best and if anything I was to nice to her.
@@adamblack4646 It's not you, for sure. DAs tend to treat people who gives them genuine love, understanding, kindness and compassion like trash. They think you're out there to hurt them and you being yourself is just a façade (quite ironic lol). But they treat their pasts exes, who tend to be toxic and abusive, like they deserve the world and more. They're attracted to the dysfunctional cycle of those type of relationships.
You poor thing. She was stringing you along and being sneaky. You do realize now, a person can both be avoidant and a BAD person, right? Let’s say she is an avoidant, why does that mean she didn’t trick you? Right? I hope you heal. She was manipulative. Happened to me too. Blindsided me. Thought we were working on us, never had a fight or anything, felt happy. Then one day suddenly tells me he is back with his ex. Like, when? During the times he told me he was working or busy with family. I was understanding and he was underhanded. Damaged? Yeah. Trauma from childhood? Yeah. Well guess what, doesn’t excuse that kind of sneaky underhanded trickery. That’s just a bad person.
Avoidant-attachment style personalities aren't emotionally mature enough to tell their partner the truth about how they feel, so they disappear when they become threatened with feeling vulnerable or close to someone.
Terrible. We love them SO much, but they are killers. I’m so sorry. Do Know that it totally was not You… My ex DA told me how much he felt safe with me, we always loved being together, but broke up a couple weeks later (after 15 months together). It’s so awful. Not sure why she would go back to abuse!! But her choice. Don’t get caught in the web, she sounds very untrustworthy… I’m sorry 💔
I was ghosted after a year, went 3 months no contact and wanted answers. I reached out and actually broke down her walls by continuing texting her by explaining I understood her coping mechanisms and explaining how much I care for her well being. She texts me some and we are good terms. Will it ever workout, who knows, but she can be a great person and me hating wouldn’t have helped a dam thing
After my DA abandoned me just out of the blue it was the most painful and traumatic experience I have ever experienced in a loving relationship. Amazing one day. The next just gone. Ghosted. Dead. Then it seems like they are completely ineffective by the break up. These poor DAs will forever be froth with temporary relationships with nothing ever lasting long. Until they can do some extreme inner work and trauma healing.
I have and am experiencing most DA's literally convince, lie, gaslight, whatever you want to call it, themselves for their own "safety" which seem like the choices they make is not connected to the reality they create for themselves or the relationship. Choices are being made to keep things at a distance as opposed to bringing togetherness. It seems like they avoid any responsibility/accountability for the outcomes of the relationship. Whether it's with her mother and her kids. It's was a 4 year relationship and it's been about 2 weeks of no contact (my choice). Thank you for what you do! It knocks the edge of the pain a little bit as time passes.
Our divorce is final, and it appears as though she HAS moved on because she is dating someone and they seem serious. We were together for 22 years. How do I handle that?
That is a shot in out heart and mind, unfortunately having expectations, great memories, or dreams with other person hits very bad. It takes time to heal but God will be with you on this process. I am very sorry
I hear your pain. Even if you are the most secure person but had your heart invested in loyalty, commitment, lots of memories of fun and connection together regardless of problems (ie problems is part of life), you are going to feel that deep sadness for as long as the time you invested your energy into a long term relationship. People who have NEVER EXPERIENCED a relationship decades long should not be telling those people how you can get over it by getting those needs met elsewhere … sure it helps a wee bit but on an energetic level your auras are entwined and why couples who have been together a long time finish each others sentences. Can know each others thoughts, often get physical somatic pain from the other partner ie if I had pain in my hip my husband will get somatic sympathy and vice versa… when people have a limb cut off - they will get phantom sensations that they feel and that closeness to a partner is your energy investment with them. Especially heart centered people. Sending you a prayer and empathy as I’m also separated after knowing my husband 30 years and married for 20 years … I have spent more of my lifetime with this person than any parent, siblings, children or friends…. So it makes my blood boil when you get experts tell you to just move on and how you can wave away your feelings …until one is experienced with a marriage for decades and children and all those bonding memories, it is this collective experiential complexity and bonding loss that is traumatic on its own - they should not make careless and UN empathic comments to those in deep grief that cannot be short cut.
I'm annoyed that I'm still processing this months later, but this person was convinced I lied and I'd made an excuse not to see him. I actually had Covid and I really - desperately - wanted to see him. He said his gut feeling told him I wasn't telling the truth and he wouldn't believe me. I guess that was the flaw finding, but it hurt so much that he didn’t trust me, and of course he didn’t explain the reason for slowly fading out of my life until I asked why that happened a while later. I feel used and angry. He supported me after I lost my dad and I supported him through a health crisis. But that meant nothing to him, seemingly. And we'd been friends before that for years. I thought I knew him well, but he's just so messed up and insecure. Of course, I'm now looking at my own wounds and attachment style and really working hard on healing myself, and this relationship was the trigger for that. Some good will come of it eventually, but it f*cking sucks to be treated like crap by someone I cared for.
@@charikloangel33 you have the right outlook. It definitely sucks and it continues to have a high level of suck, but healing your attachment style is what I chose to because that is all we truly have some control over is how we react to negative life situations.
Getting away from an FA female it tougher than ditching crack mate. Stick it out, you will get there. Allowing yourself to feel anger at how they treated you really helps I found.
Same for me.. we had an on-off relationship with lots of breakups from her side but I stupidly took her back every time.. she would love bomb me every time we got back so I got addicted to her and put her on a pedestal. She suddenly dumped me this day 2 months ago, and I'm struggling to move on.. I know why, the "winning" her back and love bombing gave me dopamine and oxytocin which can be highly addictive. That's why people often struggle to leave these on-off relationships. Even though I know the reason for why it's so hard, I don't know how to move on. I still wake up in middle of the nights with panic attacks
@@theflippantfox Allow yourself to be angry at how you've been (repeatedly) treated. Nurture your anger and allow it to replace the sympathy and understanding that keep the needle in your arm. It is the only way I found I could break the cycle - and it is natural. Ask yourself honestly: would you accept the treatment repeatedly dished out to you from anybody else?
Yeah he always came to me. At least as far as I knew claimed to not share with anyone because nobody cared or asked. But he left me and that’s ok! After 4 years of running and running I deserve someone who won’t run anymore. ❤
Maybe regret is good so that they can change course. Often, it seems pain and suffering is the only way to move into a more healing direction. Tough love, but had to let an avoidance friend go after years of mind games. I learned that I had more inner work to do and the lesson of self-love love and compassion has been huge and invaluable. Human relationships sure provide lots of growth opportunities
3 years of marriage and breks up with me by text, refuses to take my phone calls, says wants a divorce and moved out without having any proper conversation and now lives 3km away wtf, no contact , vile .
Someone I have been in a situationship with is a Fearful Avoidant. I just ended things because I found out he is starting a new relationship with someone else. But I also know that he was deeply in love with me. I believe that is why he sabotaged what we had, because he couldn't handle his feelings for me....I am also FA and I'm struggling to get through this.
The hardest thing was learning that just because we were friends for months before dating did not mean that I knew anything about who this person would be in a relationship. Unfortunately I let them move in way too soon because I thought those months of friendship were the same as vetting him. If you want to protect yourself from the destruction a DA will cause in your life once the power struggles start, DON'T LET THEM ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR HOME OR ANYTHING ELSE IMPORTANT TO YOU. Everything is fair game once a DA decides they don't care about you anymore, and they do not care what impact they have when they act out their negative feelings toward you on their way out. Seriously, take my advice on this: DAs don't bother fighting for relationships, but if you try to get them to stay and work on it they get extremely vindictive and destructive as "punishment." Protect your home, animals, and everything else important to you by getting rid of the whole DA the moment they have even one foot out the door. They WILL burn down your entire life, and they won't have a moment's regret about it.
@@Revolution-tl5wo Some time I think there is healthy Dismissive Avoidants as those we can refer to as DAs. Then there is another un compartmentalized, undefined and separate category, that is not even some of the attachment-prone Aromantic types. Like a category of extremely pot stirring, intolerant half souls, who thrives off the impact they have om others and who are ...perhaps... puppeteered by invisible entities. It depends on what one can believe in. "Refinery29 exorcist" try search that out on UA-cam, and watch that short documentary. Imagine how many so-called voids a person exists in, not only dissociative states. Voids... it's empty skill areas, where assets aren't developed, It's different distortions that makes a person *Devoid of positive, disciplined, fruit-beating abilities. Or it's distortions that make a person seek shelter away from resolutions, by different *Avoids... Denials, Defiance, Fades, Disaccept, Disavowals, dismissals, maintained dissolutions.
Suddenly discarded over text by my FA boyfriend of 2 years. We got along amazing, great chemistry, common interests, etc. Blindsided. Took him 2 months to delete our couple photos from Facebook and he hasn’t asked for his condo keys back or returned my house keys or my stuff. What gives? Any ideas?
They claim to have some "regrets". But most of the time they thrive by picturing themselves as the sole victim in every situation. They're allergic to accountability.
Funny because he admitted to our therapist I met so many of his needs which nobody really had in his past. There are certain needs that they want met but won’t let you so it’s tough to meet some of those emotional needs as they either meet their own to some degree or completely shoved them down. It’s a no win situation. The truth is he met so little of mine. Completely self absorbed. Best to focus and heal ourselves. They will become very unattractive to you eventually.
@@UnacceptableTee Yeah this like an FA, where they know full well they've hit the jackpot, but their schizophrenia kicks in and the deliberately bait you by sabotaging the relationship overnight. You can leave a bundle of lovey-dovey one day and the next day they're a vile, manipulative, pointedly disrespectful pig up until you loose your rag with them, which they immediatly use as their excuse to cut you dead because you've been honest with them about their behaviour
FA is half DA and half AA, and the damage they do is all under the DA part of them - and it's just as vile. The worst thing is that you can work out a DA and they are what it says on the tin. An FA is one long gaslighting session
Without watching the video, I would say for some it's easy to just say, ok this is what I have to live with now .... having had to accept instead of fight for change over and over in life. The relief and freedom of bring out of the commitment is only a short-lived distraction until the options tire you out and you realize all the fomo was for nothing, and those options are expensive, tiring and further apart than the daily love you were feeling. Then slowly it creeps in how much better reliable actually was compared to what was imagining. that's a new pain and regret to live with 24 7 , when you add it to the rest it feels manageable, and life taught to manage and cope instead of spring to action and fight for what you really want
That flaw finding BS led to a second breakup through my FA ex. Its been 5 weeks since breakup and 1 week NC (she reached out to threaten to call the cops)
You really are better off out of it - and I know the withdrawal symptons are worse than packing in crack. But still - you dodged several bullets and can use the anger at their treatment as an emotional springboard to get clear of them
Question please for anyone who can answer: I’m rather sure that FA don’t take well to their partner distancing /not reaching out to them for days or weeks. It’s the abandonment wound. Is it the same with DA??
I insulted her insulted her very badly after being treated with so much disregard. Sadly that action seems to have made reengage impossible and lays all the blame on me and never acknowledged.her dismissiveness. Her response. You need someone who wants constant attention. Geez like she doesn't get she has done so but soo inconsistent. Ugh
Great video! Sadly, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The person I thought was the love of my life decided to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. No matter what I do, he’s always on my mind, and I miss him terribly.
Letting go of someone you love is incredibly hard. I went through a similar experience when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't bear to lose him, so I did everything I could to rekindle our relationship. Eventually, I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who guided us back together.
Poppy. I am going through it now. Everything you describe I have been through and continue to go through. I totally lost myself and many times have been on the brink of ending my life. This morning I said to myself, if you love a bird let it go. If it comes back it was yours.
What exactly was the point of this video? To say that an Avoidant has poor communication skills and will repress all those feelings of grief when a breakup occurs? Well that is already know. They are really ok living with regret.
We all need to stop trying to understand the DA. It’s a two way street. They should try to understand the other humans in the world too. Basically it’s not balanced and we cannot balance it for them. We can only balance our own scales. I’m so over my “person”. He left us 3 times now. And I let him back 3 times. Stupid.
@@SK-no2pp my DA is the first and longest person I've been with. He's a sweetheart who opens up to me and vice versa. There's no fighting, deception, shutting down...nothing. He's my best friend.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life I’m so happy that’s your experience, however, that hasn’t been the experience for many. Your person might have a few tendencies that are avoidant. However there is a spectrum and some of them clearly engage in a worse behaviors
@@SK-no2pp I agree. There is a spectrum similar to anxious and fearful attachments. Him and I talk about everything and we've also known each other for more than half of our lives. His explanation is that he doesn't emotionally connect to most people and I am very similar. I can't explain why avoidants can open up to some and not others aside from a true feeling of safety and not being judged. It pretty much has to be the right temperature if that makes sense. If someone is in a rush or on a timeline (wants to get married and have children) it's absolutely fair that waiting for someone to open up and come around would not be ideal. But we're both in our 40's and have grown children from previous relationships. We will challenge each other, but it's mostly laid back. It's nice.
How is this video serving anyone on the receiving end? Does it really matter. Do a video on how you can hold them accountable and maybe we can make improvements in people when they know this BS of avoidant attachment won't be tolerate. This is not a helpful video.
The problem is you can't change someone else or even educate them. It's up to them to make change and they have to want to do it. All you can do is hold up your end and set boundaries. Those boundaries are what holds them accountable. If they fail to meet those then it's their problem to solve with therapy and work.
@@RitaP41 You are assuming that another one doesn't take her place - however temporary that might be. That assumption on your part would be incorrect. Finding another is EASY.
@@bf1lv love it when people Assume what I'm "Assuming" instead of thinking about what I actually wrote. So I'll break it down for you: If being Without the person you previously Chose to be with is Better than being with them, Stop choosing people to be with and stay Alone. Or stop Lying to yourself that it's Better to be Alone.
@@RitaP41 So, let me see if I understand what you are saying. What you appear to be saying, is every person that a person chooses to be with - however long or short that might be - they should be with that person for the rest of their life. There is no such thing as a lack of common goals, having different opinions on various topics or just a general lack of chemistry. That tells me that you are currently with the first and only person that you ever dated. Because, you CHOOSE that person at some point.
You usually differentiate between DA's, and FA's, yet here, you casually treat them as one in the same without explanation. You should explain why they're the same on this issue. And, to make it worse, in other videos, you have said there are differences. Really confusing, and frustrating!
If they are unhealthy - they've convinced themselves beyond any doubt it was the right thing to do. So, in that circumstance, they don't regret it. They might be sad, but they believe the grass is greener elsewhere. The really unhealthy ones will (internally) blame you for not being "ideal."
Discarded suddenly over text by my 2 year relationship FA boyfriend. Took him 2 months to delete our couple photos from Facebook and he hasn’t asked for my key or brought back my house keys or stuff I’d left at his house. What gives? Is on the fence, keeping one last reason for reaching out, or completely avoiding me? My home is on the same street as his office, so it’s not some inconvenience.
@@nonenone-n3z Egoistic attention seeking - or "hoovering" as it's known when done by Narcs. They'll use any means to say "Look! I'm still here!! Look at me, you can't forget me,"
@@nonenone-n3z It's both. Keeping one's items is a DA thing so it makes sense since FA is a mix of DA and AA. (I'm a healed FA too) At first they won't give stuff back because it will mean being in direct contact, and they are focused on avoiding you. But if they change their mind later, it becomes a tool to get to see you again. It's a win-win situation for them essentially.
@@waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa9739 Enlightening! thank you
@@harry-james-books Exactly, no closure for me...but then again, if my things are still at his place, there's no real closure for him either?
If you are a DA
PLEASE GET HELP AND STAT AWAY FROM RELATIONSHIPS
When my ex sabotaged our relationship, he said he had been having a lot of internal pain, and conflict. I asked him who of his friends and family did he go to for support about these things, he said me. Only me, and only ever me. It breaks my heart for him, and me. Because I think if he had the courage to stay and work on everything with me, it could have been something beautiful. But he chose to stay gone.
Question for you the moment conflict happened my DA ghosted me but she keeps me on her CF list on insta and she watches all my stories would like a women’s perspective on why she does this also we are about 2 months no contact
It was the same with my DA ex. Even when we finally broke up (he kinda made me to do it), he said I was one of the very few closest people to him. I knew it was true, I was the only person he had any emotional vulnerability with, the only one to whom he came when he needed support. And yet, he just decided I'll leave him eventually, and that ending this relationship sooner than later will save him from heartbreak. I couldn't understand it for a very long time. I was questioning if the whole thing was even real. Now, I am finally over him and this relationship, but it took me a long time to get here. And I'm sad for him, he is so lonely and unhappy - but I couldn't help him, if he wasn't willing to work on himself. We could have created something beautiful together, and I know he wanted that. Still, without a courage and consistency, love is not enough. I wish him all the best, I hope he'll find a will to face his fears one day. But I couldn't wait for him to maybe do it one day. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I've done, and probably the best for me and for him.
Mine said he had an angel and devil on either shoulder. So very similar. Yet they will be pick what they are comfortable with... and that is always a discard without any remorse for their partner
@@KairoGlyphyou’ll never know because they don’t know themselves
Yup, my ex has no close relationships. I was the only one that was close so that makes it a lot harder for them to heal. Instead they will do numbing and distraction, hoping it'll be enough. But it's doubtful.
Instead after the next relationship ends they'll have two breakups to process as it will being up unhealed wounds.
My ex DA told me after a year she needed time to heal from her previous abusive relationship. Our relationship was great and she always told me how safe I made her feel. She told me that she just needed a little time and I was reluctant, but understanding that is something she expressed as a need. She said “Thank you for being so amazing” fast forward 2 weeks later and she went Facebook official in a relationship with her abusive ex. This was yesterday I saw the post and when I called her out she said “I have been trying to give you signs I was pulling away forever.” She was literally at my place every night and the day she said she needed a break she was talking about how her ex abused her and she had so much trauma due to it.
I just have to understand it is her and not me because nothing else makes any sense. I am completely lost and heartbroken, but I am luckily secure enough to know I always did my best and if anything I was to nice to her.
@@adamblack4646 It's not you, for sure. DAs tend to treat people who gives them genuine love, understanding, kindness and compassion like trash. They think you're out there to hurt them and you being yourself is just a façade (quite ironic lol).
But they treat their pasts exes, who tend to be toxic and abusive, like they deserve the world and more. They're attracted to the dysfunctional cycle of those type of relationships.
You poor thing. She was stringing you along and being sneaky. You do realize now, a person can both be avoidant and a BAD person, right? Let’s say she is an avoidant, why does that mean she didn’t trick you? Right? I hope you heal. She was manipulative. Happened to me too. Blindsided me. Thought we were working on us, never had a fight or anything, felt happy. Then one day suddenly tells me he is back with his ex. Like, when? During the times he told me he was working or busy with family. I was understanding and he was underhanded. Damaged? Yeah. Trauma from childhood? Yeah. Well guess what, doesn’t excuse that kind of sneaky underhanded trickery. That’s just a bad person.
Avoidant-attachment style personalities aren't emotionally mature enough to tell their partner the truth about how they feel, so they disappear when they become threatened with feeling vulnerable or close to someone.
Terrible. We love them SO much, but they are killers.
I’m so sorry. Do Know that it totally was not You…
My ex DA told me how much he felt safe with me, we always loved being together, but broke up a couple weeks later (after 15 months together). It’s so awful.
Not sure why she would go back to abuse!! But her choice. Don’t get caught in the web, she sounds very untrustworthy… I’m sorry 💔
@@RubyLine
This made me remember when a DA told me I had “too many green flags” 😂😂
Was baffled.
I was ghosted after a year, went 3 months no contact and wanted answers. I reached out and actually broke down her walls by continuing texting her by explaining I understood her coping mechanisms and explaining how much I care for her well being. She texts me some and we are good terms. Will it ever workout, who knows, but she can be a great person and me hating wouldn’t have helped a dam thing
After my DA abandoned me just out of the blue it was the most painful and traumatic experience I have ever experienced in a loving relationship. Amazing one day. The next just gone. Ghosted. Dead. Then it seems like they are completely ineffective by the break up. These poor DAs will forever be froth with temporary relationships with nothing ever lasting long. Until they can do some extreme inner work and trauma healing.
Nailed it on the head just happened to me so I left her was an anxious one and she made me that way
great video as always, I would suggest people looking into this to read 'Magnetic Aura' from Talesio
I have and am experiencing most DA's literally convince, lie, gaslight, whatever you want to call it, themselves for their own "safety" which seem like the choices they make is not connected to the reality they create for themselves or the relationship. Choices are being made to keep things at a distance as opposed to bringing togetherness. It seems like they avoid any responsibility/accountability for the outcomes of the relationship. Whether it's with her mother and her kids. It's was a 4 year relationship and it's been about 2 weeks of no contact (my choice). Thank you for what you do! It knocks the edge of the pain a little bit as time passes.
Our divorce is final, and it appears as though she HAS moved on because she is dating someone and they seem serious. We were together for 22 years. How do I handle that?
I am so sorry to hear. She ghosted me basically after ten years. Praying for you
That is a shot in out heart and mind, unfortunately having expectations, great memories, or dreams with other person hits very bad. It takes time to heal but God will be with you on this process. I am very sorry
Hoping for your strength and healing.
I hear your pain. Even if you are the most secure person but had your heart invested in loyalty, commitment, lots of memories of fun and connection together regardless of problems (ie problems is part of life), you are going to feel that deep sadness for as long as the time you invested your energy into a long term relationship. People who have NEVER EXPERIENCED a relationship decades long should not be telling those people how you can get over it by getting those needs met elsewhere … sure it helps a wee bit but on an energetic level your auras are entwined and why couples who have been together a long time finish each others sentences. Can know each others thoughts, often get physical somatic pain from the other partner ie if I had pain in my hip my husband will get somatic sympathy and vice versa… when people have a limb cut off - they will get phantom sensations that they feel and that closeness to a partner is your energy investment with them. Especially heart centered people. Sending you a prayer and empathy as I’m also separated after knowing my husband 30 years and married for 20 years … I have spent more of my lifetime with this person than any parent, siblings, children or friends…. So it makes my blood boil when you get experts tell you to just move on and how you can wave away your feelings …until one is experienced with a marriage for decades and children and all those bonding memories, it is this collective experiential complexity and bonding loss that is traumatic on its own - they should not make careless and UN empathic comments to those in deep grief that cannot be short cut.
I'm annoyed that I'm still processing this months later, but this person was convinced I lied and I'd made an excuse not to see him. I actually had Covid and I really - desperately - wanted to see him. He said his gut feeling told him I wasn't telling the truth and he wouldn't believe me. I guess that was the flaw finding, but it hurt so much that he didn’t trust me, and of course he didn’t explain the reason for slowly fading out of my life until I asked why that happened a while later. I feel used and angry. He supported me after I lost my dad and I supported him through a health crisis. But that meant nothing to him, seemingly. And we'd been friends before that for years. I thought I knew him well, but he's just so messed up and insecure. Of course, I'm now looking at my own wounds and attachment style and really working hard on healing myself, and this relationship was the trigger for that. Some good will come of it eventually, but it f*cking sucks to be treated like crap by someone I cared for.
@@charikloangel33 you have the right outlook. It definitely sucks and it continues to have a high level of suck, but healing your attachment style is what I chose to because that is all we truly have some control over is how we react to negative life situations.
Can you please do a version of this from the FA perspective please Thais
The grieving process with my Ex FA is very tough
Getting away from an FA female it tougher than ditching crack mate. Stick it out, you will get there. Allowing yourself to feel anger at how they treated you really helps I found.
Same for me.. we had an on-off relationship with lots of breakups from her side but I stupidly took her back every time.. she would love bomb me every time we got back so I got addicted to her and put her on a pedestal.
She suddenly dumped me this day 2 months ago, and I'm struggling to move on.. I know why, the "winning" her back and love bombing gave me dopamine and oxytocin which can be highly addictive. That's why people often struggle to leave these on-off relationships.
Even though I know the reason for why it's so hard, I don't know how to move on. I still wake up in middle of the nights with panic attacks
@@theflippantfox Allow yourself to be angry at how you've been (repeatedly) treated. Nurture your anger and allow it to replace the sympathy and understanding that keep the needle in your arm. It is the only way I found I could break the cycle - and it is natural. Ask yourself honestly: would you accept the treatment repeatedly dished out to you from anybody else?
Yeah he always came to me. At least as far as I knew claimed to not share with anyone because nobody cared or asked. But he left me and that’s ok! After 4 years of running and running I deserve someone who won’t run anymore. ❤
Maybe regret is good so that they can change course. Often, it seems pain and suffering is the only way to move into a more healing direction. Tough love, but had to let an avoidance friend go after years of mind games. I learned that I had more inner work to do and the lesson of self-love love and compassion has been huge and invaluable. Human relationships sure provide lots of growth opportunities
3 years of marriage and breks up with me by text, refuses to take my phone calls, says wants a divorce and moved out without having any proper conversation and now lives 3km away wtf, no contact , vile .
Someone I have been in a situationship with is a Fearful Avoidant. I just ended things because I found out he is starting a new relationship with someone else. But I also know that he was deeply in love with me. I believe that is why he sabotaged what we had, because he couldn't handle his feelings for me....I am also FA and I'm struggling to get through this.
The hardest thing was learning that just because we were friends for months before dating did not mean that I knew anything about who this person would be in a relationship. Unfortunately I let them move in way too soon because I thought those months of friendship were the same as vetting him. If you want to protect yourself from the destruction a DA will cause in your life once the power struggles start, DON'T LET THEM ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR HOME OR ANYTHING ELSE IMPORTANT TO YOU. Everything is fair game once a DA decides they don't care about you anymore, and they do not care what impact they have when they act out their negative feelings toward you on their way out. Seriously, take my advice on this: DAs don't bother fighting for relationships, but if you try to get them to stay and work on it they get extremely vindictive and destructive as "punishment." Protect your home, animals, and everything else important to you by getting rid of the whole DA the moment they have even one foot out the door. They WILL burn down your entire life, and they won't have a moment's regret about it.
@@Revolution-tl5wo Some time I think there is healthy Dismissive Avoidants as those we can refer to as DAs. Then there is another un compartmentalized, undefined and separate category, that is not even some of the attachment-prone Aromantic types. Like a category of extremely pot stirring, intolerant half souls, who thrives off the impact they have om others and who are ...perhaps... puppeteered by invisible entities. It depends on what one can believe in. "Refinery29 exorcist" try search that out on UA-cam, and watch that short documentary.
Imagine how many so-called voids a person exists in, not only dissociative states.
Voids... it's empty skill areas, where assets aren't developed, It's different distortions that makes a person *Devoid of positive, disciplined, fruit-beating abilities. Or it's distortions that make a person seek shelter away from resolutions, by different *Avoids... Denials, Defiance, Fades, Disaccept, Disavowals, dismissals, maintained dissolutions.
Suddenly discarded over text by my FA boyfriend of 2 years. We got along amazing, great chemistry, common interests, etc. Blindsided. Took him 2 months to delete our couple photos from Facebook and he hasn’t asked for his condo keys back or returned my house keys or my stuff. What gives? Any ideas?
This is almost my exact same situation. So far he has still not reached out in almost 6 months.
So is the regret just for not having their needs met? Is there any remorse for how theyve hurt others?
They claim to have some "regrets". But most of the time they thrive by picturing themselves as the sole victim in every situation. They're allergic to accountability.
That would require empathy and self reflection and they would rather suppress their feelings
To regret something you do to someone else requires empathy, and they have none. It's all about poor little them. Utterly selfish people.
Funny because he admitted to our therapist I met so many of his needs which nobody really had in his past. There are certain needs that they want met but won’t let you so it’s tough to meet some of those emotional needs as they either meet their own to some degree or completely shoved them down. It’s a no win situation. The truth is he met so little of mine. Completely self absorbed. Best to focus and heal ourselves. They will become very unattractive to you eventually.
@@UnacceptableTee Yeah this like an FA, where they know full well they've hit the jackpot, but their schizophrenia kicks in and the deliberately bait you by sabotaging the relationship overnight. You can leave a bundle of lovey-dovey one day and the next day they're a vile, manipulative, pointedly disrespectful pig up until you loose your rag with them, which they immediatly use as their excuse to cut you dead because you've been honest with them about their behaviour
Hi Thais, does all this apply to the FA as well or only the DA?
FA is half DA and half AA, and the damage they do is all under the DA part of them - and it's just as vile. The worst thing is that you can work out a DA and they are what it says on the tin. An FA is one long gaslighting session
DA please just reach out. God it's torturing to stay away. It's torturing for both sides.
Without watching the video, I would say for some it's easy to just say, ok this is what I have to live with now .... having had to accept instead of fight for change over and over in life. The relief and freedom of bring out of the commitment is only a short-lived distraction until the options tire you out and you realize all the fomo was for nothing, and those options are expensive, tiring and further apart than the daily love you were feeling. Then slowly it creeps in how much better reliable actually was compared to what was imagining. that's a new pain and regret to live with 24 7 , when you add it to the rest it feels manageable, and life taught to manage and cope instead of spring to action and fight for what you really want
That flaw finding BS led to a second breakup through my FA ex. Its been 5 weeks since breakup and 1 week NC (she reached out to threaten to call the cops)
You really are better off out of it - and I know the withdrawal symptons are worse than packing in crack. But still - you dodged several bullets and can use the anger at their treatment as an emotional springboard to get clear of them
Can people be both AP and FA, and also FA and DA? Coz from what I’ve heard I’m so confused about which one I am and which one my ex was.
this format of videos suits me a lot
She was the avoidance and I dumped her. Do you think k she'll see her mistakes. Numerous red flags i told her she had
I insulted her pretty badly at breakup. She was not giving much affection. Don't know where it goes from here but probably it's dead dead.
Question please for anyone who can answer: I’m rather sure that FA don’t take well to their partner distancing /not reaching out to them for days or weeks. It’s the abandonment wound. Is it the same with DA??
So this might be in my favor as I just heard you say it is more likely when it’s a longer relationship, in our case, 22 years, 18 of those married?
So if they get into a rebound that just further delays the whole grieving process?
you got a new sub
I insulted her insulted her very badly after being treated with so much disregard. Sadly that action seems to have made reengage impossible and lays all the blame on me and never acknowledged.her dismissiveness. Her response. You need someone who wants constant attention. Geez like she doesn't get she has done so but soo inconsistent. Ugh
Great video! Sadly, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The person I thought was the love of my life decided to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. No matter what I do, he’s always on my mind, and I miss him terribly.
Letting go of someone you love is incredibly hard. I went through a similar experience when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't bear to lose him, so I did everything I could to rekindle our relationship. Eventually, I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who guided us back together.
Wow, that’s incredible! How did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with him?
His name is Fatherabulu, and he’s an amazing spiritual counselor who specializes in helping people reconnect with their ex.
Thank you for sharing this valuable info! I just looked him up, and he seems impressive.
Poppy. I am going through it now. Everything you describe I have been through and continue to go through. I totally lost myself and many times have been on the brink of ending my life. This morning I said to myself, if you love a bird let it go. If it comes back it was yours.
Going through this now...
My dog ALWAYS misses me when I am away ; I can tell because of her behavior when I return. Woof !
What exactly was the point of this video? To say that an Avoidant has poor communication skills and will repress all those feelings of grief when a breakup occurs? Well that is already know. They are really ok living with regret.
We all need to stop trying to understand the DA. It’s a two way street. They should try to understand the other humans in the world too. Basically it’s not balanced and we cannot balance it for them. We can only balance our own scales. I’m so over my “person”. He left us 3 times now. And I let him back 3 times. Stupid.
No...
best!!
You should delete the background music you added to the into it’s very distracting and makes you want to click off
Why bother with such self centered people....
Avoidants are wonderful once you get over the walls and into their heart. ❤
You can be in their heart and they can still use maladaptive coping mechanisms and distancing strategies
@@SK-no2pp my DA is the first and longest person I've been with. He's a sweetheart who opens up to me and vice versa. There's no fighting, deception, shutting down...nothing. He's my best friend.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life I’m so happy that’s your experience, however, that hasn’t been the experience for many. Your person might have a few tendencies that are avoidant. However there is a spectrum and some of them clearly engage in a worse behaviors
It's a hell of a climb though!
@@SK-no2pp I agree. There is a spectrum similar to anxious and fearful attachments. Him and I talk about everything and we've also known each other for more than half of our lives. His explanation is that he doesn't emotionally connect to most people and I am very similar. I can't explain why avoidants can open up to some and not others aside from a true feeling of safety and not being judged. It pretty much has to be the right temperature if that makes sense. If someone is in a rush or on a timeline (wants to get married and have children) it's absolutely fair that waiting for someone to open up and come around would not be ideal. But we're both in our 40's and have grown children from previous relationships. We will challenge each other, but it's mostly laid back. It's nice.
How is this video serving anyone on the receiving end? Does it really matter. Do a video on how you can hold them accountable and maybe we can make improvements in people when they know this BS of avoidant attachment won't be tolerate. This is not a helpful video.
The problem is you can't change someone else or even educate them. It's up to them to make change and they have to want to do it.
All you can do is hold up your end and set boundaries. Those boundaries are what holds them accountable. If they fail to meet those then it's their problem to solve with therapy and work.
As a Dismissive Avoidant, I have never regretted a break up. Being without them is so much easier.
Then stay alone. Win-win for everyone!
@@RitaP41 You are assuming that another one doesn't take her place - however temporary that might be. That assumption on your part would be incorrect. Finding another is EASY.
@@bf1lv love it when people Assume what I'm "Assuming" instead of thinking about what I actually wrote. So I'll break it down for you:
If being Without the person you previously Chose to be with is Better than being with them, Stop choosing people to be with and stay Alone. Or stop Lying to yourself that it's Better to be Alone.
@@RitaP41 So, let me see if I understand what you are saying. What you appear to be saying, is every person that a person chooses to be with - however long or short that might be - they should be with that person for the rest of their life. There is no such thing as a lack of common goals, having different opinions on various topics or just a general lack of chemistry. That tells me that you are currently with the first and only person that you ever dated. Because, you CHOOSE that person at some point.
@@bf1lv wrong again. I don't say that I'm better off Alone.
I still can't believe no one on youtube is talking about the ebook magnetic aura from Talesio
You usually differentiate between DA's, and FA's, yet here, you casually treat them as one in the same without explanation. You should explain why they're the same on this issue. And, to make it worse, in other videos, you have said there are differences. Really confusing, and frustrating!
first
Nobody cares 😂 we’re here to educate n learn n heal
you got a new sub