People-pleasing, being "nice" & fear of conflict
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- Опубліковано 27 лип 2024
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Time Stamps:
0:00 Intro & women’s rights are dwindling?
2:12 What if it’s not about being too “nice”?
7:49 Being “nice” is overrated
10:28 The importance of conflict
12:20 The solution
Somewhere along the line I even reached a point where I no longer even know exactly what my wants/needs are. I've spent the better part of 10-15 years letting other people make my decisions and I have trouble distinguishing what is something I want and what is something I only think I want because it's what somebody else wants of me. It's incredibly confusing trying to distinguish the two at this point
I understand this completely! It wasn’t until I “isolated” myself from those energies that had such a large influence on me that I was able to slowly see myself. It was definitely a process. I made a list of the things I used to like to do and started doing those things again. Those activities led me to other activities that I enjoyed doing as well that had no other influence than my own. I slowly began to unveil my true self and healing followed 💕 best of wishes to you!
I'm there too. When someone asks me what I want the only response that comes to mind is to be left alone and do solo activities. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD from abuse in early childhood (and throughout my life).
Yeah... Right now I'm stressing out because I can't decide if I have feelings to a girl or it's just because she likes me and is kind to me so I just want to give it back. And I've been pleasing people since I came out of my lonely period bcs I was afraid noone wanted to be friends with me. However I realised that I don't find these people interesting and just want validation from them...
We need to make a support group almost teared up reading these comments cause i relate sm
I feel this. I’ve been in therapy for a few months and having been introspecting and have been figuring out what I want. I’m making progress but it’s a process.
My people pleasing came from low self-esteem. I desperately wanted people to like me. In every relationship, I believed that I had no value as a person and the only thing I can do for someone to like me is if I can influence their emotions by my 'nice-ness'. My fear of conflict made me ghost people instead of voicing my hurt/anger.
This is exactly how I’ve been trying to explain how I feel.
Ugh so true. I'm a ghost-er too
my experience was always when voicing my hurt/anger getting not heard or being manipulated into thinking everything just being my fault/ exaggerating
Very true… I’m glad I’m not the only one alone. Sometimes I can’t communicate and end up ghosting.
Me 2.
13:01 "It's not really in your best interest to be nice at the expense of your needs. It will only build resentment"
Story of my life
It took me a long time, but over the past couple years I’ve gotten much better at communicating and learning to say no more often. It’s made a huge difference in my interactions with people and making sure I don’t compromise my boundaries
Some 'people pleasers' become passive aggressive later on in life. Took me a while to realize that being perceived as "nice" (as a guy) equates to being weak. However, once you react in a more assertive manner they no longer think you're nice. LOL. Personally I'll continue to be the kind and approachable one who sets boundaries when needed. As far as conflict, pick your battles, as most people's responses/reactions actually disappoint and can anger me more than if I hadn't said anything.
1000% my issue is fear of conflict lol. I already have social anxiety and I'm afraid of people every single day. I can't stand tension and conflict, it makes me so uncomfortable and my entire body goes rigid. I feel like I can never express myself the way I want to; like I'm depending on others to pick up on subtle cues and hopefully they will understand my true feelings. I feel like I'm being stared at all the time, and I'm afraid of people judging me or looking at me weird. I'm so hyper-fixated on how I appear that it's too terrifying to me to put myself in a situation where I might embarrass myself or make people hate me even more. I don't know where it comes from or how I can even get out of it--if I ever will
with time this got a bit better for me, but only in selective areas of life such as work conversations. within intimate relationships, where i am vulnerable and also feel the wish to make the other happy, it all comes back. So, I think it can change. It took a long time and a bit of anxiety management though
I feel this in my soul...
Ive been working on shifting my perspective. Even if you were being stared at all the time...channel your inner regina george and ask "why are you so obsessed with me?"
But like literally--it would be kind of flattering if everyone was constantly staring at you, right? And also....why feel embarassed by that? Theyre the ones being hella creepy in that context right? Like if you spent all day staring at someone wouldn't you feel like a loser psychopath that had nothing better to do in life?
And unless youre someone who does mob hits, i dont think people hate you. Be careful about assuming and then assigning emotions to other people without receiving direct confirmation from them. I am definitely guilty of that and have been trying to consciously correct. And even if people do hate you, why try to salvage that? If someone already hates you, what real difference does it make if they hate you more? Youre driving you n your energy down a dead end to nowhere.
Good luck out there and as a fellow cat lover i ❤️ your name!!
My people pleasing is a weird mix of fear of abandonment and fear of being physically assaulted (childhood trauma sucks), and it's definitely something I'm working on. It's tough for sure and I don't think I'm a weak person who lacks courage. I'm someone who's dealing with lots of trauma. I was constantly triggered by my old supervisor at university by the way he chose to express his anger and how he would sexually harass me. Everyone told me to just suck it up because "that's how he is" and I was worried that picking too many battles with him would negatively impact my work and research. It was easier to progress in my therapy after I left that place is because I wasn't in a constant state of anxiety.
The more you stop caring, the stronger you become, the more authentic you will be. Bcz your not afraid to be yourself. Thats true power
Am I the only one from a community where calmly explaining your needs or trying to respectfully express the problem you have is seen as people pleasing? I've been in situations before where I was angry but because I was trying to talk it out instead of yelling or throwing underhanded insults I was considered a people pleaser. Maybe I'm missing something here.
That's not people-pleasing, that's being assertive. Being considerate of other people's feelings *and* voicing your own needs is not people-pleasing. People-pleasing is putting everyone else's feelings and needs above your own
Interesting, was this a fairly aggressive group of people in their communication style?
@@sanecatlady yeah u nailed it on the head. This made me realize they think I'm a people pleaser because I'm considering their feelings and needs period.
No. That's obviously not what people pleasing is. People pleasing would be not even trying to express your feelings at all out of fear of causing conflict or upsetting yourself
I don't think that trying to talk it out is people pleasing. I don't think that's the viewpoint of the video either. People pleasing is when you're unable to express your own needs or saying yes when you think no. It has nothing to do with what you described.
As an autistic person, when I was a child, my motives were always explained back to me. My parents would tell me that I did something because I am selfish and don't think about other people. But I really struggle with cognitive empathy and it's said that that's because something in my brain is off, but I think it's because of the wiring in my brain that what I would think or want in a situation is vastly different from what someone else would. I genuinely try to treat people well but I don't know what objectively kind means. At one point I had the idea of getting an Emily Post book so I knew how to act in every situation, but of course Emily Post is an old reference. I don't know what to do because yes, even my nice persona still makes people angry. Actually even when I'm doing my best impression of a humbled little mouse people still perceive me as rude and stuck up. It really comes down to not knowing what is supposedly objectively kind, that's like common sense, these are assumptions I cannot properly make. I'm actually not afraid of their perceptions of me not being what I want I'm afraid of them actually being right because I can't tell. I know my brain doesn't perceive situations accurately. I'm genuinely asking for help because this has been a lifelong struggle and maybe it's possible that its simpler than I think it is. When someone tells me I'm bad I'm not freaking out that they don't like me anymore, I genuinely worry that they are correct, I don't care what their perception is, I worry it's the truth. - On an unrelated note, this is the main reason I think there need to be specialized therapists for neurodiverse people and not just behavioral therapists. Even now I'm worried that this comment isn't appropriate or the "right thing" to post, in some way that I cannot predict at this moment.
I so relate to this! 100% thank you for sharing
My daughter is on the spectrum too ♡♡♡♡♡
Of course this kind of content isn't really applicable to neurodiverse people. I'm pretty sure most neurotypicals just assume autistic people die out after a certain age.
@@coldestsun2095 Jesus christ
I struggled with the idea of people pleasing a lot. Growing up people around me always said i was nice, but i felt no one knew me enough and nice was just the polite thing to say. As i grew older, i have accepted that I value kindness, and tend to be polite simply because its my nature. And people didnt know me because i didnt open up and wasn't assertive enough... it eas a complex mixture of people pleasing and my true personal self. I think your explanation has helped me immensely. If i act in a certain way to try to control the thoughts of other's, then its people pleasing. But if am kind simply because thats my value and nature, i will act in a way that allows me to live that value, regardless of what others think. However, i think its important to be considerate and polite as aell, so taking other peoples thoughts into consideration can be useful, as long as its not at the risk of my own happiness and self worth.
Yep. All of this is me. My fear around losing in conflict is related to me giving in to guilt. I'm VERY easy to guilt trip. Guilt for me is almost physically painful for me and I've become very guilt-avoidant over the years because of it, which leads me to be conflict-avoidant. People can make me feel guilty even without meaning to. I just start feeling that way for literally just showing myself respect even if it steps on their toes. It's ruined relationships for me because it leads me to be dishonest with people.
Last night I went to a store by my house go some quick snacks. A elder cut me in line when he clearly saw me. I was thinking if should say something put convinced myself I would be in the wrong if I didn’t let it slide. When he told the clerk what he needed the clear replied “ I’ll have to get the woman behind you first” I was like wow I’m an adult still need others to save me because I can’t stand up for myself. So annoyed with myself this video came in perfect time.
I'm not afraid of conflict, in fact I've had conflicts for being overly nice, and if I have to stand my ground I will. I will be nice because it feels good to be a good person, not because of others.
Wow, this video really spoke to me. The distinction you made between "nice" and "kind" was great and got me thinking differently about past situations where I got walked all over.
I'm fighting against the urge of lashing out instead of just discussing firmly, it's fckn hard.
Also, I always remind myself that nobody is right all the time, so what if they think you're wrong? Maybe they're wrong and we need to learn to take more time in those situations to not be impulsive and manage the situation as just another discussion.
Mine is fear of conflict w specifically people who I find are more emotionally unpredictable. It’s not that I can’t handle any conflict. In fact every relationship I’ve had has had lots of conflict LOL (rip) but that if it is a person I know reacts explosively to conflict (typically yelling anger) or a person which holds some sort of power over me (boss, landlord, police) that is when I am afraid of conflict. Because I get very triggered by explosive anger and yelling and also by not knowing if the other party is safe (I guess somewhat abandonment issues). But I have many friends I’ve had minor conflicts with before or political debating and I’m fine with it. But others in my life that I avoid because I have seen them get into conflict w other people and they react very unpredictably, angering, passive aggressive, that is all triggering to me due to my trauma. Vs the other people I’ve had conflict is typically much calmer like okay we need to de-escalate this argument it’s getting heated or oops I went too far in this debate I’m going to let ease off and let them have some space or vice versa. Then we come together and talk about it in a calm respectful manor. And I guess you could say why care about the overly emotional unpredictable people and if I piss them off and I guess it’s because I like them for other reasons like we have similar interests or interesting conversations but I don’t trust them to react well to major conflict cause of watching them react with other people.
Loved how you wrapped it all up. Paradoxically, we live more comfortable lives in the long term when we face the initial discomfort of conflict.
Thank you so much for this video. My last relationship ended three months ago and I am trying to reflect on what I could have changed about my behaviour and this video made me realize that I am afraid of conflict. I didn't have good communication with my ex because whenever I would bring up an issue with her she would get defensive, which in turn would make me even more scared to bring up conflict as she would never take responsibility for anything. But you opened my eyes to the fact that I do not want people in my life who are not respectful of me sharing my boundaries and my feelings. This video even makes me think about if I should go back to therapy. The more I think about this topic the more I realize that even in my friendships I can be like a doormat. I always thought that it meant that I simply was someone who didn't hold grudges, but instead I just let people push my boundaries and then I take all the blame for being hurt. Being assertive and angry is not the same thing as being resentful. I think I need to work on this before I get into my next relationship and I need to start doing that in my friendships.
I learned to put on a very careful "nice" front without showing my emotions much after some traumatic experiences when I was more open.
As a result, I am very full of deep resentment towards others. Like, almost a feeling of disgust towards them. I'm not sure how to unpack this and balance between overly open and conflict prone and overly closed off and "two faced."
This is a very common and great point about "appearing kind" and "being kind." It does come off a bit harsh, and I think a more informative emphasis would be acting on emotions (insecurity of being unliked) versus values (kindness but not controlling).
Often folks in this "nice but avoidant" dilemma are not only confused about their values (as you pointed out), but unaware of the importance of communicating and relating to others values. Without the skills to establish trust and good faith to accept "kind but not nice" behavior from honest friends, they become highly judgemental of themselves and thus others.
Isn't calling ourselves cowards judgemental to our anxiety, and fears that result from trauma? To experience fear doesnt make you fearful, we can be brave in many other aspects of our lives, it doesnt make us cowards... SPECIALLY when you are not aware of being afraid in the first place. That being said, once you realize the problem, life becomes easier... because you can stop telling yourself the lie that every confrontation or conflict is gonna explote. Telling a new story is gonna bring peace to your inner child
Thank you, this video is very helpful. The girl I'm dating is a people pleaser. She always goes the extra mile for people who don't really respect her. Then she gets mad behind the scene and vents to me about how she feels. In my mind I'm very confused because all she has to do is just say no. I really like her and I want to make a strong relationship with her. As a person who is not emotionally intelligent, this video has extremely helpful advice.
Great advice! Thanks Ana, I have always struggled with setting boundaries with other people and standing up for myself but the last few years I’ve had to force myself to be more assertive. It is always scary when I have to do it but it’s necessary or I’m sacrificing my needs and F that.
Listening to your words, I realised that deep down I wanted to hear these exact things to change certain traits of mine. Thank you.
I just avoid conflict in general so I can choose my battles. I don't have energy to argue and debate about everything in the world.
Going to talk with my therapist about this fear I am having, and this video is definitely giving me some more perspectives, and also putting some words on the things I have been feeling. Thank you! ❤
Oh this video popped up in my feed, and my resolution for this year is focusing more on inner personal values, than constantly trying to make sure everyone around me is always happy. I think as someone who fear being themselves around people, because I am afraid of being alone, I do tend to focus more on doing things for others to keep them happy, than looking at what I truly need
I feel that's me. I often ask myself if I'm behaving in a certain way to make others perceive positively. But there is also another issue where I don't know what the right thing to do is, and when people come with conviction I assume they know what they are saying.
Thank you Ana for talking about this topic. I’m actually afraid of conflicts, and I believe that influences my decision to not say anything. If anyone has tips on setting boundaries, please share!!
Sounds to me you’ve already made you’re boundaries. Some conflict just isn’t worth it.
Yeah some people are scary out here you never know about someone. I try to avoid conflicts for that reason self preservation.
this was comforting to me who struggles with the same: there is a polite, respectful, diplomatic way to express your concerns. you don't need to fight people to establish boundaries :)
This Has plagued me my whole life, people think i was being too nice or too pussy. Rather like you said about being demoralized by my familys constant barbaric behaviours on my livelihood.
This is such a timely video. I was explaining the conflict between nice and kind with my friend last week! Need to send this to her because u explained it perfectly!👌🏼
i really love this video. This is something that I have thought about but never had anyone to open up to and share my thoughts with. Thank you !!!
Thank you so much for this video I have bad anxiety whenever conflict arises and I tend to ignore and try to let it go but sometimes I do have to resort to confrontation which feels uncomfortable. I hope I can get more out my comfort zone moving forward.
GREAT timing for this video!!! I need to snap out of it
wow this video rlly called me out. literally described me to a T, i was shook to my core
Like seriously your perspective is so vital and thought provoking!!
this video really helped me reflect on something i’ve been struggling with my entire life: people pleasing.
thank you thank you thank you!!
(also thank u for linking the fundraiser as well!!)
I love that you do fundraisers! Also, this video really helped me see that I am a people pleaser and that, unfortunately, it has caused me a lot of discomfort. I hope to change that moving forward. Love you videos!
Thank you for sharing valuable insights, fear has definitely made me a people pleaser but I will start practicing standing up for myself because to your point if people cared how you feel they wouldn’t have put you in a position to call their behaviour out.
" if people cared how you feel they wouldn’t have put you in a position to call their behaviour out"
I wish I had this as a sign in my home!
This may be my favorite video that you've posted! I struggle to find the balance between people pleasing (even though I know it's not good for me) and being assertive, and you've made it clear that maybe the issue is caring about how people perceive me, aligning with my personal value to be kind matters more than strangers' perception of me, and there are savvy ways to effectively communicate during conflicts. I'm definitely saving this video to reference in the future!
yea.. kindness and empathy are the main generating factor of my decision making process.
it blurs the line sometimes because in terms of people having romantic interests in me, even if im not really liking them much, i just go and act nice which is mostly not nourishing myself. i dont get rewarded in return.
but i wasn't like this before. i was more outspoken and self preserving. but i just learned empathy or kindness because of internet media.
Thank you so much Ana for this video. It provides really nice perspective for me. I appreciate it.❤🌷
I’ve been having anxiety about a recent spat between me and my sister… this helped me come back down and regulate as well as feel better about my actions and intentions. Thank you for this
I struggle a lot with “being too nice” which usually just turns into people taking it for advantage and stepping on me. I really need to work on setting boundaries and standing up for myself, even if it makes me uncomfortable :| thank you for this video and for being brutally honest 🤍
Thank you for this, I always find my self putting others needs before mine to avoid conflict, my childhood definitely was on egg shells being careful to not cause issues at home. This caused me to not know how to modulate my frustration, it’s either all or nothing. So I just shut down worried that how I will express myself will be “too much”
Watching this while my mom and aunt fight. I can’t heal my people pleading tendencies until I get out of here that’s for sure! They are both textbook narcissists and it’s explosive. I don’t struggle as much with people pleasing if it isn’t my family but my ex financially abused me and now I’m back in this toxic space and all of my childhood people pleasing tendencies are coming back up. It’s crazy how quickly and easier it just dismantles years of inner work.
Really needed to hear this!
It took me a long time to realize I was being manipulative instead of nice. Thanks for the video!
I'd never thought of it this way, thank you!
Thank you for bringing up this topic in a direct but still neutral way. Interesting discussion
i really love your videos, I'm from brazil but it's easy to see how some struggles are the same for people all over the world
Thank you!!! Needed this
This is an amazing video. I needed to hear this. I am going to rewatch it!
Edit: I’ve rewatched it and I don’t know how to reframe my mindset. In high school, all I was was nice. I thought it was the easiest way to get things done. So far, it has worked
THIS is the video I've been looking for.
I love your videos! I was hoping maybe in the future you can maybe make a video your whole process of going to grad school and attaining your phd! Its a long shot but that sounds very interesting to me! Have a good one 😄
something i struggle so much with and yes it does build resentment.
Wow. I needed this right now.
your videos are a GODSEND I wish I knew all this when I was 18
Wow I didn’t know conflict had it’s importance, you give me perspective Ana
This is really awesome advice! 😘 (and a lot of things that have totally helped me to become more assertive and becoming a healthier self advocate)
😚👍 thank you 😊
This is exactly what I needed lmao
Great video with a very important topic for both women and men that struggle with assertiveness
I needed this video. Thank u
Exactly 😂 u made it clear... Thanks for the information dearie 🖤🌠... Now I know the difference
Oh wow you described me. Yeah I been working on this.. good tips.
I think being a naive person who always saw the good in worst attracted narcissists, i always attracted them and grew up around them. Which always had me suffering from hyper-criticism & gaslighting over anything. that’s what i fear at times, im aware of what’s right and wrong but i think when you have conflict with a narcissist it’s just not worth your time it’ll never have a healthy result. So i now try to avoid that, because i know how they operate and their weaknesses i could easily use their narcissism against them but i would rather not lose my core values. But i still struggle with people pleasing due to the hyper criticism yes😭
I don’t think those who flee or freeze can be considered cowardly. They could be responding to trauma triggers.
Thanks this is useful for Agreeable people
I think for me it's only a little aspect of not wanting someone to think badly of me because it wont align with who I am, but it's much more so that I was in a relationship for almost 5 years where I feared conflict with this person. Anything that had the potential to cause even a little friction I avoided, because there was stonewalling involved I did whatever I could to not feel the pain of someone pulling away from me mentally and emotionally. Many times I didn't even know what I did wrong and they wouldn't tell me so I either pulled it out of them or I was left cut off for some time going insane about what I could have done wrong and how I could have avoided it until they were ready to talk. It's been 5 months since we broke up and the progress for unlearning my fear of conflict and making boundaries has been slow, but I'm hopeful.
Wish I had seen this video before my relationship collapsed. Great video
You have my condolences. I hope you'll be better.
@@schokoladenjunge1 I’ll do better, thank you
My own experience:
Perhaps I'm catastrophizing but my fear of conflict, specially against me is extremely ingrained in fear of physical retribution, NOT that much of verbal discussion but fear that standing up for myself will lead to me being in physical danger. No need to explain this is based on trauma from bullying and abuse, specially remembering that when it was happening other people watching didn't care to defend me, and to this day I still think the same thing will happen. However I think you are right, I catastrophize more than I should, and I have to fight that feeling, little by little. Thanks very much for the video.
thank you this vid came with perfect tinting for me!!
i have a Q, will you do a video about the deep end series?
thank you for sharing
In today's world conflict is not a good idea. Who knows what will make a person flip and what they have in their glove box or pocket. In most cases, you can arrange to never see the person again. I think and practice as much as possible the philosophy of a 5 from I robot - It is simply a calculation re what this may cost and what value winning will have. The exceptions are divorce where you must fight financial elimination, and in other say workplace bullying where you may win (99% you won't win best develop an exit plan like on office space), one can choose to fight if the cost is not too high. That is not about fear it is about logic. Nice is when you do things for people with no expectation of reward or any expectation of a payout.
Hmm, I'd probably separate out the "freeze" response to being screamed at from the more conscious conflict aversion choices. Being locked in one's own body dribbling on yourself isn't "nice". Weird maybe.
I've recently started reading the book "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura and it's already opening my mind. I can't wait to see what changes I make by the end of the book. It talks about all of the stuff in this video like being too nice, people pleasing, not being assertive, etc
I mean I am not telling the rude man on the street corner cat calling me to fuck off not because I’m afraid of his opinion of me but because I’m afraid he’s gonna murder me lmao
I guess this doesn't apply to me. I don't want to confront people because I don't want to have to regulate their feelings for them. That's a very common reaction - either hurt or anger and wanting me to make things better in some way - which is my sympathetic nervous system response: appease/fawn. I'm surprised you didn't mention faint and appease/fawn along with the other 3 Fs (fight, flight, freeze). I have chronic PTSD (informally C-PTSD complex trauma from early childhood). I don't care if anyone thinks I'm nice, honestly, I know I'm kind. But I don't want to have to work through other's emotions for them anymore - I'm giving myself permission to stop that but it's easier to decide to do than to follow through when it's an ingrained response.
Thank you for another insightful video Ana! Question-what would be an assertive, safe, and effective response to catcalling?
I agree that there are lots of people who are nice who are two faced. however if you are a kind person just want to get your needs met that will work only if people around you are reasonable at least a little bit. If faced with enough people who just want to destroy you you can deal with one or two of them but not if there is an overwhelming number of them. the problem then becomes (at least it was so for me) that while I genuinely was kind at the time I had to constantly get into fights with others to get my needs met. Then after a while I became like them I stopped being kind or nice and I just became mean. if someone was really close to me and its someone I trust I was both kind and nice to them (or at least I tried) but If someone I didn't know that well even looked at me the wrong way I would be very angry instantaneously. If someone was nice I quickly started to think they are two faced even if they didn't really give me strong indication of that because in my past I met so many two faced people that I started to suspect everyone. I agree with you nice is overrated and many people will not respect you if you are just nice infect they will come after you even more in many cases. however being kind doesn't really solve the problem nor does being mean either. the only currency that works under certain circumstances is power. being indispensable kind, nice, strong and having good beck up system and right allies you need all of those and sometimes even that is not enough.
Hey Ana! I was wondering if you could make a video on how to react when a man tries to get your attention in public spaces? Catcalling, flirting... etc. You briefly talked about it in this video.
I find myself getting angry (inward) as soon as a man even looks at me on the street and it affects me negatively even when nothing happens. I will avoid certain spots in order to avoid these situations. I wasn't always that way, but now that i've educated myself on sexism and mysoginy, I don't know how to develop a healthier relation with the male gaze.
I guess, it would be a good topic to talk about more in depth. 😊 Thanks for your valuable content!
Ana I’ve already loved your videos, but THANK YOU FOR THIS ONE❤️
Hey Ana, love your videos, have you read Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker? He speaks on topics that relate to this especially with a 'being nice' or fawn response to high stress situations. It's a 4th F in the sympathetic nervous system response. Fight flight freeze and fawn.
Food for thought.
Good one
I remember listening to a similar talk from Jordan Peterson about conflict and how it isn't actually moral to be a people pleaser and while it was good it felt like he missed a lot of finer details. You have articulated this talk so well and frankly I've noticed your videos cover topics about the human experience without having to use dumbed down pop culture references and strange patriarchal frameworks. Move over Jordan Peterson, there's a new clinical psychologist in town. 😎
I only being nice to save my ass, as i always feel being on guard around others
giving people benefit of the doubt that is a good and noble idea but you have to be in a right head space to be able to do that. also you don't know how this person will respond if you give them the benefit of the doubt. They might respond in kindness or the might become more aggressive and response between one person and the other can vary greatly. and you don't know which person will respond which way.
100% a coward over here. I definitely meet the most stress in school. When some people have some values, and others have others, trying to stay 100% on the good side with everyone is really hard, because I deep down know what is right for me, but everytime I have tried to stand up for myself I have failed. It is a hard internal battle for sure
I get mouthy to not please people & be "nice" cuz it feels selfish to me, but I will try to be kind to others & try to be genuinely nice, it's a dissonance
You’re trying to get people to like you just because you want validation from people to feel good about yourself. You end up creating a false image of yourself and forget who you really are. Be unapologetic about what you like and what you don’t. Integrity is a very powerful virtue. .
Some act nice to avoid conflict
Finally something on the subject that isn't JP. 👍
ANNA, PLEASE, MAKE IT AVAILABLE TO CUT/SAVE CLIPS FROM YOUR VIDEO.
PLEASE, LIKE THIS FOR HER TO SEE
It’s a very helpful option to save the most important parts
Happy 4th of July!
Please make a video about ghosting and breaks
The thumbs-down is a kind way to let people know they're not driving in a way they'd drive during their driving exam.
I don’t like conflict. Especially dealing with irrational people. If I cant use violence against irrational people, there is no way to truly resolve the conflict.
Very interesting as always! Is it still fear of conflict to avoid conflict out of like apathy or boredom? Like in my personal life I don't like entraining conflict because it's exhausting to me emotional, not because I have a fear of it, it's just like old news, you know? But idk I guess that's still avoidance?
Same. I've had conflicts before and only ended up tangled up in more drama and nastiness, I often ended up the loser in these conflicts. It's exhausting, embarrassing and demoralizing, and a lot of these people I knew LOVED conflict, it would never end and I suspect they never wanted it resolved. Maybe other folks are different, but I've run into this situation so much, I avoid conflict now and either just tolerate it or leave if/when I can.
@@persephonevii Totally hear you! For me it's like the issue has to subjectively matter to me for me to want to engage. Otherwise, I'm like no I don't want to do this. Or like I already have an idea of what potential outcomes the conflict is going to lead to and I'm like not even willing to entertain the journey to get there regardless of the 'winner'.
Separately, I totally dated someone who was intensely narcissistic and loved conflict for conflicts sake. It was these no-win scenarios 24/7 so I feel you on the "ending up the loser".
This is me!
Interesting work you are doing. I did not talk until 5! Worked with some interesting Doctors. If you ever want to talk with me. I will be open to that.
Honestly, I don't care about "not seeming nice," I'm not even afraid of losing people if they can't handle my opinion. My big problem with conflict is that, in my culture, people don't care about expressing their disagreement in a healthy way; it's all about who got the best insults, who got the best comebacks, who talks the loudest, and who looks more "dominant" while speaking. That makes me very anxious and angry at the same time, because it makes me feel like if I don't act in this obnoxious way I won't be taken seriously, and I really hate that because that's not who I am. I want to have a serious conversation without yelling at anyone. People in my country tend to get pretty aggressive when they are confronted, which (I'm not gonna lie) makes me feel really intimidated, which makes me unable to think properly, which also unables me to articulate exactly what I want to say without shaking and feeling uncomfortable af. What should I do then? 😭