This is so deep!!! It explains why they discard so easily the moment you individualize, or they sense a mismatch to their idealised version of who they expect you to be or they no longer see you as an idealised extension of themselves! It was never about you and the wholeness of who you were! It was always about them and how something in you or what you possessed fulfills a need or want in them!! 🤯🤯🤯 - you can never be mad once you understand this is the basis of their disorder and inability for true deep connection! They are fragile beings operating not in reality but in a false fantasy to protect their deeply wounded selves. I actually feel sorry for them - but I do so from a safe distance
@@Smjourney1223 Right ? It was really bizarre though because on one hand he would come back with a cocky reply like that..but then say something like." Oh I cant believe a woman would even put her hands on me...I am so repulsive."
Lisa my ex would say the exact same thing. He also called himself a god then after he ate he would say he felt repulsive and he was obsessed with tanning and walking over 10,000 steps a day. Very insecure and overly critical of others bodies too. Sad
Mine ...told me..." l love you because you love me " and the day you stop loving me...l will stop loving you.... she not even can explain what is the feeling of love.....
I was his reflection. He didn't like looking in actual mirrors. Now I feel like he was " wearing " me. Gives new meaning to " I've got you under my skin ". Thank you, Sam Vaknin, for years of teaching me valuable lessons.
Mine told me I was a reflection of him. He said it was good and bad but that he didn't like it. I didn't understand at the time. See my comment below for more insight into my situation if you'd like to leave me your thoughts
I've literally started recording my ex narc because he would come up with such crazy things that never happened and of course I was to blame for his terrible behavior. I have found all of Pro. Vaknin's lectures on narcissism to be so helpful in my healing process!
As the wife of a narcissist, I totally agree with his analysis of the experience of sex with a narcissist. Thank you for articulating it so concisely and clearly. It’s validating to hear that this is a ‘thing’, and to understand the rational behind this horrible empty, soiled feeling that this kind of intimacy-less sex provokes.
The part where you explain the sexuality of a narcissist and how he transforms himself into a female at one point so he can have sex with himself ... 🤯... fascinating. Knowing this now, it validates and helps make sense of some things from my experience
Once he wrote in English on a steamy mirror after shower "I love you" (we both are Russians) just before I went to the bathroom. I had nearly took it as addressed to me. Now, thanks to Sam, I have no doubt that it was his moment of self-admiration.
The narc I knew told me once he wasn't attracted to men or women during the period when he completely withdrew sex from the situationship we had and I would ask a millions questions trying to understand what was happening. And since he kept his body looking like he was a calvin klein model and his body fat percentage and muscle growth is the most important thing in his life, when I asked him why put in so much effort to look so good if he didn't even want sex, he responded it was because he liked for other people to want him and for him to never give it to them, he couldn't even say it was for his partner to want him... And everytime I had sex with him I did feel like he was just masturbating with my body, he was never interested in my body as male would have been he would perform the learned steps to get to use me for what he wanted to get at that moment, and then he would always want to turn the lights off or closed his eyes, in 4 years I would always wonder why I never felt like he was making love with me and now I don't even remember what that feels like but I know I knew the difference at the beginning with him. The sexual issue is what made me understand that he indeed had NPD. Because what "normal" heterosexual male behaves like this?. I felt completely undesirable and I am def. Very mentally affected from that now and I myself was going to the gym 7 times a week and tanning and keeping up with appearance more than anything to be desirable for the narcissist but nothing ever worked he was always just interested in me coming over and admiring him.
I can relate to your shared story, however the Ex Narc that was in my life had to have the lights on during sex, and I had to look into his eyes. Then he got to the point that he would not “ finish” inside of me but instead go into the bathroom and please himself... yup, this video explains oh so much! SMH!
@@apoo6000 : Um hmm. Not only lights but he had to watch himself. Never look at me or touch me. Just his sexual zone. And he was never like the Sandra’s ( above) hunk. Mine has always been chubby and bald but strutted himself like he was a 10. I often wondered what the deal was. His friends thought I was attractive and I was fit, but he never saw me. Years ago, I told my therapist that “ he has sex ‘at’ me, not with me.”. This video explains sooo much
After my narc ex cried and said he wanted me to be his wife, we were having intimacy, and I playfully asked him what he liked about sex with me and his response was "because I like women". Women??? So cold. No love. No passion. I literally could have been anyone or anything. Didn't matter to him
... and I had been married to such a creation of a narcissist for 12 years! This is hard to endure. For me listening to Sam Vaknin is like doing a puzzle. All the fragments and pieces which I have not understood for so long are coming together and forming a picture wich is indeed disturbing and frightening to look at but in the other hand it helps me to heal. Now I have an idea on how to work on myself !! I would never and will never ever be a shared fantasy of a narcisisst!!
@@daviedood2503 I started researching after I noticed something was completely wrong with my exhusband. One time I suddenly realized he really is not a normal human and somehow I felt the need to search for answers, what has happended with me, what did he do with me, why is he doing what he is doing, what does all this do with me ...? And I found answers very quickly. My Ex-Narc left me saying that I betrayed him and cheated on him. Of course I did not. Then after a very quiet year of separation I got to know that he had already a child with another woman and I realized he left me to be with her. I asked him why....? Why could he not be honest with me....? But he twisted everything, twisted things I said in the past, twisted reality just to put the blame on me and to convert him into real victim. This was the point I realized that I need to search for answers. And by the way.... I have evidence that there is no reason to envy the new partnes of the ex-Narcs. I got to know that after only 1 1/2 year of relationship with her, he is already cheating on her! Man... I can't be any luckier having been left by this wolf in sheeps clothes!
I was raised by healthy parents and have a healthy husband. One year ago I left my ideal job of 3 years when the narcissist trio brown noses took over. Six of eight of my team left. I was the last to leave what was described as dark, toxic. Shocking that I am still on UA-cam learning about these mean people one year later. Took me 6 months to get my energy back after 6 months of abuse. Then 6 more months to feel full joy, confident and myself.
Oh my god, this is exactly my story. My ex-narc would literally finish and then sleep looking straight up in the air. No cuddling. I thought it was me. I tried so hard to be more attractive. When he wanted to initiate sex he would take his glasses off. The worst was that when he came it was never inside. He would come ‘on me’ and then expect me to stay still and then wipe me down like a statue. Once during intimacy during an escalating moment he threw me off him like I was a piece of wood. I was so shocked. He thought I was attractive but only in so far as it made other men look at him to ‘see who this woman was with’. He would always tell me that he would sit at the furthest part of a restaurant then when I went to the bathroom he could watch men looking at me returning to him. So messed up. I’m so happy to finally understand this. I’m now in therapy recovering.
Virtual reality seems to be the norm for narcs. They put on their invisible VR glasses, and enter into this more vivid realm, new fantastical world. Then they know the new partner doesn't have their own VR glasses, so they have to work to draw them into it. Love bombing. Future promising fabulousness. They describe that beautiful new life so elaborately, you want it, too. Though you are rooted in reality, you close your eyes, following blindly to see if you can also dream so big. It's too good to not at least attempt this wonderful new life. But you get in there, then naturally open your eyes and see blackness. Their heart. It's dark, Dull, damp, dank. You want out. You can't see the exit. There's no light. Eventually you retrace your steps to how you got there. You're blindly going back to using your instincts, gut feelings, and know you can only trust you to get untangled from this fantastical imaginary place. I am free after 30 years. The narc went back to the woman he lived with just prior to our meeting. After 30 years, I guess she'd forgotten her experience in his dream. He's love bombing her, and telling my children he's in love. 🤦🏼♀️
My narcissistic ex boyfriend has a Lazy Susan of women. I think he actually likes being monogamous, but he can't look at himself, of course. When you try to get him to look at himself, he has to move on. He rotates through whichever women he can keep in rotation.
I'm going on 38 yrs. in my relationship with a covert narcissist. Divorce will be final this week! Prof. Sam has shared his knowledge and I'm so thankful I found his channel 5 months ago! True life saving information. I always felt I was losing my mind. "What am I doing wrong!" He always said, "You need to change!" I confronted my spouse's current 'love' interest. Telling her what she's in for with him. She's head over heels in love. She's so 'thankful God brought them together...true soul mates.' My husband says HE started flirting with her! Yes! He told me all about it. Like I was a friend, sibling..or maybe, his Mother! What a freak of nature! I've learned from Prof. Sam that he is a victim. But, I'm still so destroyed by his many affairs and always 'pulling the rug' out from under me! Can never count on any peace or normalcy for any length of time. Life with him was a roller coaster of chaos. Very sexual, but never intimate. No hand holding, ever. In all photos of he & I together, his hands always folded in front of himself, or in his pockets. They were never touching me. Again, a light was turned on when I was fortunate enough to find this life saving information. I don't know how long it'll take to get over him entirely. I know I've felt sorry for him for...forever. Even though it was all a fantasy, I felt great love for him in the beginning of our relationship. And his love bombing sure felt like the most fantastic love, I've ever experienced..in the beginning. Lots to let go of for sure. Read the poem, 'Love After Love' by Derrick Wolcott. It is sooo beautiful. Esp for those of us who have suffered and will suffer a while longer, from the damage done to us by narcissistic abuse. Prof. Sam read the poem aloud with such tenderness. I think his video was titled, 'How to love yourself into healing.' Thank you Prof. Sam, and everyone who shares their stories.
Thank you Sam. I can't believe what I am hearing. I have better understanding of this condition and the way I can overcome my feelings for him is by saying to myself that if he could he would. He simply can't generate what is needed for a long term, realistic relationship. You and others have shed clear light on the mind of the cluster B. It explains everything and I no longer think it was something I could have done to make things better for me.
I kid you not, after two months of lovebombing, when i had a call with my ex-partner, it felt like they do see my voice, my notions, my tone as coming from a stranger. We spend a really intense and emotionally positive time together the first couple of months, which fostered great trust and feelings of security and familiarity in me. Then, in a couple of weeks, i was replaced with a more dramatic and unstable source of supply, almost like the past events did not create any emotional backdrop for them. And i was just thunderstruck about the realization that no intimate and emotionally charged interconnection had been formed.
Same thing happened to me. We trauma bonded in a holiday together. I was discarded after the holiday. Now I realised the person I holidayed with was purely an illusion.
Why does everybody refer to their ex as "my narc"? I have never felt that way about my ex. He has always been "it" or "that guy". After I was discarded, I never said his name again and in a way he doesn't have a name anymore. I didn't even realize that during healing, I turned him into an object. And that's all he deserves. I'm not judging. I was just wondering why people make it more personal by referring to them that way.
There is no meaning to call them on their REAL NAME anymore as they are the same SPECIES THE NARCISSISTS..i suppose when i call him MY EX COVERT because of all the SHARED FANTASY or NIGHTMARES that i had with him and thats included the SEX part..its NOTHING there at all..no REAL ROMANCE or real LOVE MAKINGGGG..sad life for them reallyyyy..😮😅😂😊😊😊😊😊😊
Good point! I better get rid of my fantasy that the narc was sort of romantic and was emotional. It was robotic and things were so digitalized these years so we were not in physical contact. I was happy that it was only digital because of the physical distance. Or it could had gone for the domestic violence....thank God it didn't allow that way! I am so glad that I no longer in the same city as the narc. I had some sentiment that the area I live was near where I met the narc. However, now I can think this as a reminder that it is because the area can be the best WITHOUT the narc and in fact, it is BETTER without him. I will probably experience how nice the neighborhood is without the problematic narc, and will be amazed even more that there are way more gentle, emotional connected, down-to-earth truth people out there.
You make all the sense to me.....he used to even tell me at times that his mood was a reflection of mine....it was so hard to understand him....I was just there for services , supply, sex etc....once i would open my mouth for my own opinion he would explode especially when we had our business....yet he has no drivers license i made him get an ID because i told him unless we do this business my way I would not be putting my name on anything and thank god i listened to my my gut instincts because now he has over 15 lawsuits on him.....Dr. Vaknin Thank you so much for your videos and education I finally feel like my scrambled brain is finally coming undone.
To listen to Sam is truly a walk in a great educational journey. Welcome to a deep well of knowledge. You need a huge bucket and an infinite ability to want to learn.
Thank you, Prof. Vaknin. It's a pleasure for me to listen to your videos, especially as a fellow psychologist: your expertise is thoroughly wide-ranging and you are able to synthesize highly complex theory and research (from Freud to Kernberg to Bromberg's 'self-states') in a way that is highly engaging and convincing. Forgive me, please, for a lengthy comment that I hope you will accept as an expression of enthusiasm and admiration from a colleague! This video in particular was of interest to me as I have a strong interest in the presentation of narcissistic traits in homosexuals: I have followed much of your material on homosexual narcissists for several years (on your Tripod site, your book, several videos on this topic) and agree with your assertion that homosexual relationships are (often) highly narcissistic and autoerotic affairs. Consider a patient of mine who freely admitted with no self-censoring: 'I would love to sleep with myself because I would know exactly what I wanted and would make myself feel amazing'. He also disclosed incest fantasies (especially around two male twins), masturbating to his own reflection and described speaking to his love interest as 'like speaking with a mirror'. It was shocking to me, even after years of reading Freud, to see such overt declarations of self-directed libido. In the video you mention the homosexual narcissist introjecting a female love interest so that he can successfully mate with himself. My question to you: Do you agree the same need for a feminine introject is true in homosexual relationships, for instance in Jungian terms through projecting the Anima onto a male partner and then taking that as an introject into phantasy? Or, might it function without the need for such a feminine introject in the homosexual case? In that case, what is the psychic layout? My instinct is that the presentation of highly narcissistic hetero- and homosexual patients differs slightly, but can defer only to your expertise on the topic given that very few clinicians or theorists are willing these days to discuss these topics scientifically.
All narcissists are autoerotic and therefore homosexuals. Vaknin explicitly says that they are not attracted to other people, neither male nor female. Your observation is leaving out the prevalence. Not all homosexuals are narcissists. Just like correlation is not causation.
This is the only channel that I came across that really gives an in-depth insight into how the Narc thinks.. heartbreaking and eye-opening.. I don;t think there is a word to explain how I feel about learning all of this
Aah. This explains why my Mom goes on and on asking me questions then clenches and squeezes her eyes shut in contempt while she siphons off what she needs while I answer her. She circles back with same topic and has her own many renderings of the conversation that deploy put downs, text messages asking if she should send the police to my house for well checks, periods of childlike behavior where she tosses a blanket over her head while I speak, etc. My reply to the 'well check' text is a sent attachment of my latest well water inspection. Thank you, Sam your work has extreme insight. Especially the fact that this person is the anti-human.
This information is so spot on! Especially the fantasy world and if you disagree or give your opinion- he literally asked me “what happened to my wife , who is this woman? “ yes he definitely wants to keep you in the shadow for sure !
Ah- this description of the hyper imagination disassociated space here! This spacing out. I did it/do it constantly- you think I’m ignoring but I cannot hear- I’m not here, my brain is thinking a thought and not absorbing the new information. Sometimes if the person persists(it sounds a little silly) I kind of cross my eyes and can feel my brain shift or feel fuzzy/tickle and sometimes I can even get distracted by that sensation and still not be hearing what you said lol.
True, It was not sex, it was violation. Short, agressive, egoistic behaviour. Like all his other behaviour. I never could find about this strange behaviour recording to "sex". He never wanted to touch me and at the same time he was secretly having sex(?) with about 12 former "girlfriends". Excesisly send message s about sex and sending foto's of their naked bodies. When i confronted him with that he said that i shouldnt be so angry or preocupied because "they were only fanaties" and or was the fault of his father. He kept seeing these whores and got rages and told me he wanted to kill me because i asked him why he still was seeing them secretly. "I am doing nóthing wrong!" He screamed... Mindblowing, Lucky at that time i had distanced myself enough to observe his behaviour in stead of absorb him and his behaviour. Delisional, perfectly discribed. Your explainations and descriptions fits him totally. Even more understandable that outsiders can't believe he has a public self and a (home) false self. Which he only showed in the house.
And you become like zombie in reality because one big part of you lives in that shared fantasy,but you can feel that you are now even physically depleted and you're going down...
The zombie analogy is accurate. I have a friend who is dating a very overt and obvious narcissist. One day I ran into her on the street and she was swaying in place and said 'hiiiiii' to me with her mouth hanging open and staring often into space without making any kind of eye contact with me. It was so freaky and zombie like!
That's why he always talks about gay men in our conversations. I thought its was quite strange. We were married heterosexuals. Why this man like to bring the conversation about gay men. I knew something wasn't right. Because I am straight. So talking about gay or lesbians will not come to my thoughts. And he doesn't like me to be myself.
Thank you as always for your scholarly lecture. For the life of me I could never figure out this narcissist gender. But you have made a brilliant breakdown of what I read in your groundbreaking book “ Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited” page 179 Gender and the Narcissist and again on page 183 Homosexual and Transsexual Narcissist. This was like a Slow Rapid Firing Neurological Epiphany for me! I finally got it after reading it over and over again!
Your videos are filled with valuable knowledge upon this subject... I'm starting to understand my last relationship, which I left. He wanted me keep our so called, relationship, and I had figured him out, and was dumbfounded that I allowed his behavior, and how awful I felt with myself. I had to admit, that I too, was so messed up! I'm still surprised by my behaviour, and am working on my doubts, fears, yet I ask myself, look in the mirror, and take responsibility for my own life, and work toward changing my own flaws. Your teaching is helpful, and needed for these trying times.
This is another video (like, From Mommy-Partner To Fantasy And Back) that is like: Psychology of the Narcissist 101. Forms the perfect BASIS for future study of the (male) Narcissist! When I 1st heard of Sam Vaknin I purchased his book Malignant Self Love, and jumped into the deep end first, which was so very fascinating and I couldn't get enough of his videos! These 2 videos explain the very psychological basis of the WHY? that I needed (what basically creates the Narcissistic personality, in the first place)--simply expained! Thank You again, Sam Vaknin!
The sex was extremely odd. When the deed was done he would get up very quickly. It was as if he seemed quite guilty about the act of having sex with me. Very strange. The sex was passionless, lacked intimacy and very robotic. It was very boring too. I felt sorry for him.
@@bad.chickie66 yeah ngl this does seem like that. My ex would say this despite me having NO issues with other people before her... I'm actually fairly kinky and adventurous. I just don't need to be told I'm boring and incapable of giving someone a weirdly expected experience when it's supposed to flourish between us two naturally. 😂 My god are the Narcissists attracted to baddies and tearing us down 😂
This was fascinating. I always thought my ex was just bisexual but preferred hetero relationships, but his homosexual tendencies fit perfectly with the paradigm outlined here, down to the ways he'd express himself erotically (he loved to be seen, admired, adorned, exhibited). Interesting stuff.
I wonder if that is why my ex always told me we had done things together that we HAD not. Gone to movies, seen them at home, been here, been there. It was maddening to know I had not been there...or else he was cheating and misplaced her with me in his memory.
And mine was the opposite. He had done things without me, before me or taken credit for things that I did, made, cooked, bought, etc. and I'd have to set him straight and let him know I was there or it was my idea or what have you. He even told me conversations between us that never happened. Strange.
He shared his fantasy with me about our future marriage and big celebration. I wasn't fond of the idea, but he insisted, saying that he would be in a WHITE suit. He really was in love with himself.
When I told the ex narc I had figured him out & that I knew he was a narc & that he had just used me to make himself feel good he replied with 'sorry' no denial or acting confused about my accusation... Just 'sorry' that was his admission that I was correct in my opinion, I've never seen/spoken to him since...
@@roxannefraser4580 Wow... that says it all... They say narcs tell on themselves quite often... The constant redflags that we brush off as 'less then'... Which we choose to ignore out of love... Its all a massive mess in general 😞
I could NEVER figure out, who to be, what to say, what to do, what to expect, he told me once, that he talks to me in his mind.. He would rage when he through the door because I wasn't how he expected me to be.. I had no idea untill I became educated by Professor, I lived it, but didn't know what I could do, he always knew what the plan was, how it would go, spring it on me like I should know already.. More than that? He would expound on pie in the sky ideas, out of the blue, and expect me to buy in to it, no matter how bizarre..wished to hell I could have read his mind like he expected, I could have saved myself lots of grief, in the short-term that is..
Listening to Prof Vaknin, gives me the realization of what to be educated means! To know, have vivid understanding, able to articulate in words to a vast audience in ways they can understand and gain insight and healing from. This is marvelous! I will not compare this great man to Jesus, but it is how Jesus taught his followers to get deliverance from ignorance. Thank you sir
This makes so much sense.. ugh. It's a gutshot, yet enlightening so thank you for hitting us with it. :D I want to add my voice to the countless others who came here looking for answers, and thankfully, found true information; thank you very much, Sir. I would like to add the accountability of myself as the victim - addicted to being submissive, owned, OBJECTIFIED. I am not victim-shaming, instead, I am taking back my power by understanding my part on this sadistic dance, to ensure I do not continue engaging these monsters.
Wow! Lacan DOES look EXACTLY.. it’s SCARY!!!!!!!! He looks exactly like your IDENTICAL twin. This is blowing my mind (that I do have 😉) That aside, thank you soo much for your work & contribution toward the arduous task of understanding this tough stuff in ourselves & others.
Holy smokes! 😱 There’s a glitch in the matrix… You ARE Jacques Lacan. Identical twins 😎 …also, after watching dozens of your videos, I greatly appreciate everything you share about narcissism and all its related concepts. It’s interesting, thought provoking and in some cases outright frightening. 🙏🏻
Thank you Sam❤I will admit verbal fighting gives me a release in my being nothing else does. I allow my emotions to take over sometimes like Mom did to us and it feels good. No amount of physical exercise compares to it. Love you Sam, oh to be able to sit down with you someday and chat, one can dream. 💗
worse of all not only your "disappearing" causes then contempt but at the same time paranoid ideas of abandonment will increase bcoz its..." of course " impossible that you /anyone can be that selfless(after all ,his mother wasnt either)they do fear this connection is a desired but impossible fantasy
The fantasy and what you are speaking about here reminds me of the movie sidekicks where the young man has a troubled/ traumatizing life and he resorts to day dreaming as chuck norris' "sidekick" as action heros on adventures. Fascinating!! Thanks for the video!! Bravo!
So add to the delusional fantasyland the psychopath narcissist I divorced this year alcoholism He would constantly yell out that I mean nothing to him , I am nothing and worthless That There aren’t enough words to describe how much he hates me That I’m mistaken to even imply that I’m even a thought in his mind That he doesn’t cares about anything to do with me
He was my boyfriend when I was 15. He was a virgin ..I broke up with him because He said he saw a girl in his class and I didn't want to hold on to him I felt he deserved to love. We read that now I'm 61 last year On Facebook he loved Bombme.. I thought oh Wow we get to do this relationship over... You came on my birthday to visit me. For Week. Then he wanted to come back and see me again the second time he came I was excited about sexually to be my masculine self.. I enjoyed every bit of being masculine since I hadn't been masculine since I left him.. This opened doors for me tremendously my whole life I've been around schizophrenic bipolarnarcissist And no narcissist never knew.. You're never too old to move on . 2 things I have written on my wall one is when truth no longer means everything to you then truth no longer means anything to you.. Second one life is ironic it takes silence to no happiness noise to appreciate silence an absence to value presene . No you're self-worth And be free Be kind they can't break you're too strong And worth it
This stuff is real! I have been married over 16 years and have been separated 11 years to date . It has gotten worst over the years since we are not physically together this is because she can tell me anything over the phone or text or email. We do not cam we just talk on the phone and very little texting we also send photos of each other and other objects . We argue sometimes because when I don't go along with her shared fantasies about money, traveling, divorce , remarrying and her secret cyber high status friends she will always say " Ok you will see" now 11 years has passed and I tease her and laugh at her we argue fuss and fight she hangs up. Sometimes I find myself being very disrespectful and angry towards her and it breaks my heart that she has mental issues and I don't want to leave her hanging so my strategy is this I tell her to get your high status friends that you claim loves you to pay for the divorce but this it never happens.
He was sad coz he had put on some weight and I told him I dont love you only for your looks and his reply was but I do.. This concept that they sexualize themselves made no sense to me then when I was with my Ex N..After watching this video, I am shocked by this phenomenon..
This makes so much sense now. Thank you for your brilliant insights and explanations. There is a french movie called “ Love Me If You Dare”. It was a movie he gave me as a gift. It illustrates a lot of this phenomenon, a glimpse into the narcissistic internal world.
That is fiscally tiring ,abuse and emotional nightmare. You can be suck in their bodies and you don't return with the narc. Im better off investing in a car.
Maybe I’m the narcissist..my memory stinks. My ex narcissist had a memory like an elephant, he could remember even the most minute detail of every conversation we ever had..I swore he actually kept written notes.
Oh my gosh. My ex narc told me jokingly he had a file on his computer for me. 99.9% sure he probably did. When we’d argue sometimes he’d have a list written down of notes
Are you sure he remembers these facts? Or is he just making you believe that this or that happened in a certain way to make it fit his narrative. Because as Sam describes a narc believes in his introjects and has bad reality testing. What about the things hes done wrong that you clearly remember 100% ? Does he turn things around in hindsight or seems to not remember them when you ask him about it?
I think you remember things he can't remember, just try to tell him what memories you have that are NOT the ones in common.. He is gone, he might even tell you your memory is suspect, maybe get checked for that!!! We all have different memories, in common interpretation or subjective.. I would love to hear what happened!!
DEAR SAM VAKNIN, This isn’t supposed to contradict anything, but the secret life of Walter Mitty has actually been covered by some UA-cam videos who claim it is displaying another dissociative disorder known as Maladaptive daydreaming(not in DSM yet) and its very rare, and can only begin in Childhood(can’t be learned as adult) and can often be a response to Trauma. I have this disorder, but ever since I was a teenager, the fantasies of my Daydreams are extremely narcissistic, which is why I do a lot of research in videos like these.( many narcissistic family members as well) for example I’m a violinist in real life, and in my daydreams I’m the BEST VIOLINIST whose ever graced the earth. And I need to pace and use my choice if music to trigger these daydreams... it’s not well researched yet, and I’m curious what you have to say about this... my theory is this condition is a particular form of DID and NPD, but this personality we take on when fantasize is the inner Narcissist and that’s where the dissociation comes in. It really is just like that movie... and I’m not bullshitting-IT FEELS JUST AS REAL AS REALITY, PERHAPS EVEN MORE- PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS, IT NEEDS MORE COVERAGE... AND IM REALLY CURIOUS WHAT YOUD HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT😁😁👍 thank you and keep up the videos please I just realized u talk about it a little bit, but can u still elaborate in another video based on what we know
@@luisecorner1281 tbh the world that we create is very rewarding to be in, usually more than reality, and it’s very pleasureable, and it feels like an affirmation of life, rather than a denial of it, and that’s kinda the problem
Yo! I can't stand reading books because I will remember the book as if the story actually happened to me. Like ptsd. I avoid reading any fictional books 🤔
I have asked if he like men often because of his actions. but of course, he said of course not. Is he ashamed of himself because of this and is that why he is the way he is? I believe he is homosexual because this totally makes sense. Im confused.
When you describe this phenomenon how the narcissist holds you at arms length and how he is unable to see how you grow and develope and change, and I guess I became more aware about this connection myself over the years, but it is as if you describe my mother and this one other person at the same time. (I actually started to write poems about this invisible wall feeling when I was 14 and my mother was in the same room while I was practically nonexistent). Oc they look completely different, but there are these strong parallels. I understand this better, but I´m not sure how I will go on. I try to talk with my child feelings (it´s not this complete switch, but it tugs at me and has the urge to talk through me since it came up towards the surface more and more), but it´s not easy. I´m glad for the moments when I can feel the anger towards my mother and that I could go off contact (that I understood that there is no other option) but mostly it feels more like lifting the lid of Pandora´s box 1mm. I could apply for the role of Pandora´s box in a movie, evth is stuffed inside and you can hear it rumble and mumble. XD
@@samvaknin yeah we are so slow in understanding Dr. Sam. Or else wouldn't it be simple to get out of narcissistic relationship and understand his manipulations!😂 Please suggest how to overcome fantasy problems.. I sure I am not fantasy prone personality but yeah I develop romantic fanatazies head on and idealization begins. How to be more realistic?
Wow wow wow … this is why he insisted in having very long hair and at times after he would shower he will let his hair down and lay in bed like a woman waiting to be painted 😂 this makes so much senseeee
He has 3+ avatars in his 8 yr history in an RPG game -- in which 4+ partners were also enlisted as avatar spouses or friends. Former avid DnD player . . .
My ex would wear my clothes especially to bed.... Would this relate to him being in love with himself? When I first noticed his "feminine side" I thought he was secretly gay or a crossdresser.
I doubt it. He is in love with himself -- a man with a man's body. So how does wearing a woman's cloths enhance his self love? But then again who knows what the f* goes on inside their heads. The more I learn about narcacist, the more I have to ask if these people are human or some other form of beings that look like humans.
@@bodnarova05 he is blocked. He calls me from no ID numbers and other peoples phones. I don’t answer. I just know it’s him. He tried to kill me twice, even put me in jail. There is not three weeks that have ever gone by in the past two years that he has not tried to get me, either sitting outside of my apartment at four in the morning or calling me from unknown numbers
@@melissaflesch9131 Can you go to a next step and change your number? I'm so glad I coincidentally moved when I went NC. Is that something you would consider? Document everything and see what criteria or information you need for a restraining order.
@@misstidoy I changed my number three times in the past two years. I have lost so many contacts and had to reconstruct my phone, you have no idea. He has a lot of ways to get to me. He has lots of money. He follows me. I even went to Texas for a few weeks and he found me there. He is living with another woman now, moved in with her a month after being with him for 5 1/2 years. He does not stop.I think it is a form of stalking. I hear his engine outside my window, he has a sports car, so it is very loud. I ignore him. He won’t stop
@@melissaflesch9131 Uhh, some of them are relentless. Keep ignoring and keep documenting everything that happens. Focus on your healing as much as you can. 🙏🏾
Loved The Secret Life of Walter Mitty in short story and movie form. Also loved classic film The Agony and the Ecstasy with Charlton Heston as Michelangelo / Rex Harrison as Pope!!! Two classics for my literary/film fantasy-driven life!!! My blind narcissist manipulated me to orgasm like an accountant using an adding machine! I also helped him pluck off back hairs the night before his walks resumed after early covid-19 strictures with his male Mentor/patron. Seems like a bit of preparational homosexual grooming to me. If you're just going to breakfast and on a walk together, why do you need your back hairs plucked . . . .?
yes.... schools should become much more aware of this personality disorder (catch them early on).... becoming much more rampant these days -- find them help before their own personality disorders become their own demise later on -- reactive systems in the US which are completely counterproductive
@@elfkind5590 they should be the ones placed in the school's psychologist's office -- they create hell, and often get away with it... they receive more negative reinforcement through their narc parents, as well... they should be isolated early on... was a complete waste of my time -- dealing with a destructive narc / psychopath, who should have had his a$$ handed to him 1,000 times over, rather than congratulated for invading other schools, and mindfu$king his own sheep lol
@@elfkind5590 had you went through an empath -- narc situation such as mine; you would rethink your comments, and provide examples, rather than state generally that schools enhance narcissism in children.... it is an epigenetic issue (nature and nurture)... usually one or both parents are narcs., they had an extremely traumatic / dismissive childhood.... problem is: when the narc throws his shit on me -- there gonna be huge fu$king problems...... period.
proactively-placed video cameras per classroom; and systematic, objective evaluations and vetting of potential, incoming "problems," would have made this a very obvious textbook example -- (catch the problems before they become out-of-hand) -- at early adolescence
@Elf Kind ok, maybe i should have been more specific, as in a certain classification of narcissism... but then again, it makes me question Sam's positive involvement in spreading awareness -- and his "apparent" empathetic side -- altruistic side to give back to others and inform -- probably a very complex answer lol... Sam knows his stuff extremely well, agreed... and I have gained much insight through his videos
This is so deep!!! It explains why they discard so easily the moment you individualize, or they sense a mismatch to their idealised version of who they expect you to be or they no longer see you as an idealised extension of themselves! It was never about you and the wholeness of who you were! It was always about them and how something in you or what you possessed fulfills a need or want in them!! 🤯🤯🤯 - you can never be mad once you understand this is the basis of their disorder and inability for true deep connection! They are fragile beings operating not in reality but in a false fantasy to protect their deeply wounded selves. I actually feel sorry for them - but I do so from a safe distance
Awesome comment 🎉
When I told him “ I love you “ he said “ I love me too “ guess I should have believed him.
@@Smjourney1223 Right ? It was really bizarre though because on one hand he would come back with a cocky reply like that..but then say something like." Oh I cant believe a woman would even put her hands on me...I am so repulsive."
@@hermes-lc8de He understands the idea of love but doesnt actually feel it... guess that's what he meant.
Lisa my ex would say the exact same thing. He also called himself a god then after he ate he would say he felt repulsive and he was obsessed with tanning and walking over 10,000 steps a day. Very insecure and overly critical of others bodies too. Sad
Mine ...told me..." l love you because you love me " and the day you stop loving me...l will stop loving you.... she not even can explain what is the feeling of love.....
Oooof disgusting behavior.
This all makes so much sense, but it disturbs me to my core. 😖
I was his reflection. He didn't like looking in actual mirrors. Now I feel like he was " wearing " me. Gives new meaning to " I've got you under my skin ". Thank you, Sam Vaknin, for years of teaching me valuable lessons.
Mine told me I was a reflection of him. He said it was good and bad but that he didn't like it. I didn't understand at the time. See my comment below for more insight into my situation if you'd like to leave me your thoughts
@@PinkiePPearlstop claiming your ex it’s really cringe
This puts so much into perspective and now I understand why it always seems like he is competition with me for some reason
I've literally started recording my ex narc because he would come up with such crazy things that never happened and of course I was to blame for his terrible behavior. I have found all of Pro. Vaknin's lectures on narcissism to be so helpful in my healing process!
Oh my gosh, yes. Power battle with the false self of the Narcissist.
As the wife of a narcissist, I totally agree with his analysis of the experience of sex with a narcissist. Thank you for articulating it so concisely and clearly. It’s validating to hear that this is a ‘thing’, and to understand the rational behind this horrible empty, soiled feeling that this kind of intimacy-less sex provokes.
Pretty sure narcissism and closet homosexuality are connected
@@nathanielschwartz7194unironically true
The part where you explain the sexuality of a narcissist and how he transforms himself into a female at one point so he can have sex with himself ... 🤯... fascinating. Knowing this now, it validates and helps make sense of some things from my experience
I get it but it made me cringe. Ewww🤮
Amazing description
Pretty sure narcissism and closet homosexuality are connected
The explanation of thus "transition" is soo good and clear. It left me mind blown.
Once he wrote in English on a steamy mirror after shower "I love you" (we both are Russians) just before I went to the bathroom. I had nearly took it as addressed to me. Now, thanks to Sam, I have no doubt that it was his moment of self-admiration.
If this lectures / teaching were priced, it would have been beyond the reach of narc abuse sufferers
The narc I knew told me once he wasn't attracted to men or women during the period when he completely withdrew sex from the situationship we had and I would ask a millions questions trying to understand what was happening. And since he kept his body looking like he was a calvin klein model and his body fat percentage and muscle growth is the most important thing in his life, when I asked him why put in so much effort to look so good if he didn't even want sex, he responded it was because he liked for other people to want him and for him to never give it to them, he couldn't even say it was for his partner to want him... And everytime I had sex with him I did feel like he was just masturbating with my body, he was never interested in my body as male would have been he would perform the learned steps to get to use me for what he wanted to get at that moment, and then he would always want to turn the lights off or closed his eyes, in 4 years I would always wonder why I never felt like he was making love with me and now I don't even remember what that feels like but I know I knew the difference at the beginning with him. The sexual issue is what made me understand that he indeed had NPD. Because what "normal" heterosexual male behaves like this?. I felt completely undesirable and I am def. Very mentally affected from that now and I myself was going to the gym 7 times a week and tanning and keeping up with appearance more than anything to be desirable for the narcissist but nothing ever worked he was always just interested in me coming over and admiring him.
Miss M.I.A. ~ That is so sad 😞
I’m sorry you were treated so wrong.
I can relate to your shared story, however the Ex Narc that was in my life had to have the lights on during sex, and I had to look into his eyes. Then he got to the point that he would not “ finish” inside of me but instead go into the bathroom and please himself... yup, this video explains oh so much! SMH!
@@apoo6000 : Um hmm. Not only lights but he had to watch himself. Never look at me or touch me. Just his sexual zone. And he was never like the Sandra’s ( above) hunk. Mine has always been chubby and bald but strutted himself like he was a 10. I often wondered what the deal was. His friends thought I was attractive and I was fit, but he never saw me. Years ago, I told my therapist that “ he has sex ‘at’ me, not with me.”. This video explains sooo much
@@vicbaker8367 similar content in a diferent jar.so even if chubby and bold he had fantasies , desires of him looking good
After my narc ex cried and said he wanted me to be his wife, we were having intimacy, and I playfully asked him what he liked about sex with me and his response was "because I like women".
Women??? So cold. No love. No passion. I literally could have been anyone or anything. Didn't matter to him
... and I had been married to such a creation of a narcissist for 12 years! This is hard to endure.
For me listening to Sam Vaknin is like doing a puzzle. All the fragments and pieces which I have not understood for so long are coming together and forming a picture wich is indeed disturbing and frightening to look at but in the other hand it helps me to heal. Now I have an idea on how to work on myself !! I would never and will never ever be a shared fantasy of a narcisisst!!
Yes, Sam makes me understand a lot of puzzling things, too. When I get it now, while listening Sam, I can't help but burst out laughing.
@@OlgaKozhemiakina hahaha me to but only sometimes! It is more of a switchover. Laugh.... Shock!!... Then again Laugh... but then Shock!
Same
Same here, married to it for 20 years... with my concent ofcourse. Im trying to process and heal. 🧐
@@daviedood2503 I started researching after I noticed something was completely wrong with my exhusband. One time I suddenly realized he really is not a normal human and somehow I felt the need to search for answers, what has happended with me, what did he do with me, why is he doing what he is doing, what does all this do with me ...?
And I found answers very quickly.
My Ex-Narc left me saying that I betrayed him and cheated on him. Of course I did not. Then after a very quiet year of separation I got to know that he had already a child with another woman and I realized he left me to be with her.
I asked him why....? Why could he not be honest with me....? But he twisted everything, twisted things I said in the past, twisted reality just to put the blame on me and to convert him into real victim. This was the point I realized that I need to search for answers.
And by the way.... I have evidence that there is no reason to envy the new partnes of the ex-Narcs. I got to know that after only 1 1/2 year of relationship with her, he is already cheating on her!
Man... I can't be any luckier having been left by this wolf in sheeps clothes!
I was raised by healthy parents and have a healthy husband. One year ago I left my ideal job of 3 years when the narcissist trio brown noses took over. Six of eight of my team left. I was the last to leave what was described as dark, toxic. Shocking that I am still on UA-cam learning about these mean people one year later. Took me 6 months to get my energy back after 6 months of abuse. Then 6 more months to feel full joy, confident and myself.
Oh my god, this is exactly my story. My ex-narc would literally finish and then sleep looking straight up in the air. No cuddling. I thought it was me. I tried so hard to be more attractive. When he wanted to initiate sex he would take his glasses off.
The worst was that when he came it was never inside. He would come ‘on me’ and then expect me to stay still and then wipe me down like a statue. Once during intimacy during an escalating moment he threw me off him like I was a piece of wood. I was so shocked.
He thought I was attractive but only in so far as it made other men look at him to ‘see who this woman was with’.
He would always tell me that he would sit at the furthest part of a restaurant then when I went to the bathroom he could watch men looking at me returning to him. So messed up. I’m so happy to finally understand this. I’m now in therapy recovering.
I can’t express how beneficial this is to me.
Oh my god! I told him that he seemed to turn himself on.. he would only look at himself. Its still all coming together...
Virtual reality seems to be the norm for narcs. They put on their invisible VR glasses, and enter into this more vivid realm, new fantastical world. Then they know the new partner doesn't have their own VR glasses, so they have to work to draw them into it. Love bombing. Future promising fabulousness. They describe that beautiful new life so elaborately, you want it, too. Though you are rooted in reality, you close your eyes, following blindly to see if you can also dream so big. It's too good to not at least attempt this wonderful new life. But you get in there, then naturally open your eyes and see blackness. Their heart. It's dark, Dull, damp, dank. You want out. You can't see the exit. There's no light. Eventually you retrace your steps to how you got there. You're blindly going back to using your instincts, gut feelings, and know you can only trust you to get untangled from this fantastical imaginary place. I am free after 30 years. The narc went back to the woman he lived with just prior to our meeting. After 30 years, I guess she'd forgotten her experience in his dream. He's love bombing her, and telling my children he's in love. 🤦🏼♀️
I liked your explanation
My narcissistic ex boyfriend has a Lazy Susan of women. I think he actually likes being monogamous, but he can't look at himself, of course. When you try to get him to look at himself, he has to move on. He rotates through whichever women he can keep in rotation.
So I guess all single mothers are narcs 😂
If you stay in the long circular argument long enough, it becomes very clear they are arguing with not you!!
Thank you, Sam. I was with the same man for 33 years, only on my own for 3 months. You are helping me very much
I'm going on 38 yrs. in my relationship with a covert narcissist. Divorce will be final this week! Prof. Sam has shared his knowledge and I'm so thankful I found his channel 5 months ago! True life saving information. I always felt I was losing my mind. "What am I doing wrong!" He always said, "You need to change!" I confronted my spouse's current 'love' interest. Telling her what she's in for with him. She's head over heels in love. She's so 'thankful God brought them together...true soul mates.'
My husband says HE started flirting with her! Yes! He told me all about it. Like I was a friend, sibling..or maybe, his Mother!
What a freak of nature! I've learned from Prof. Sam that he is a victim. But, I'm still so destroyed by his many affairs and always 'pulling the rug' out from under me! Can never count on any peace or normalcy for any length of time.
Life with him was a roller coaster of chaos. Very sexual, but never intimate. No hand holding, ever. In all photos of he & I together, his hands always folded in front of himself, or in his pockets. They were never touching me.
Again, a light was turned on when I was fortunate enough to find this life saving information. I don't know how long it'll take to get over him entirely. I know I've felt sorry for him for...forever. Even though it was all a fantasy, I felt great love for him in the beginning of our relationship. And his love bombing sure felt like the most fantastic love, I've ever experienced..in the beginning.
Lots to let go of for sure.
Read the poem, 'Love After Love' by Derrick Wolcott. It is sooo beautiful. Esp for those of us who have suffered and will suffer a while longer, from the damage done to us by narcissistic abuse.
Prof. Sam read the poem aloud with such tenderness. I think his video was titled, 'How to love yourself into healing.'
Thank you Prof. Sam, and everyone who shares their stories.
Thank you Sam. I can't believe what I am hearing. I have better understanding of this condition and the way I can overcome my feelings for him is by saying to myself that if he could he would. He simply can't generate what is needed for a long term, realistic relationship. You and others have shed clear light on the mind of the cluster B. It explains everything and I no longer think it was something I could have done to make things better for me.
Fucked up beyond all recognition
I kid you not, after two months of lovebombing, when i had a call with my ex-partner, it felt like they do see my voice, my notions, my tone as coming from a stranger. We spend a really intense and emotionally positive time together the first couple of months, which fostered great trust and feelings of security and familiarity in me. Then, in a couple of weeks, i was replaced with a more dramatic and unstable source of supply, almost like the past events did not create any emotional backdrop for them. And i was just thunderstruck about the realization that no intimate and emotionally charged interconnection had been formed.
The same thing happened to me. These people are so weird
I experienced the same thing.
Same they’re so disordered and it’s Iike I don’t know who the person is
Same thing happened to me. We trauma bonded in a holiday together. I was discarded after the holiday. Now I realised the person I holidayed with was purely an illusion.
Why does everybody refer to their ex as "my narc"? I have never felt that way about my ex. He has always been "it" or "that guy". After I was discarded, I never said his name again and in a way he doesn't have a name anymore. I didn't even realize that during healing, I turned him into an object. And that's all he deserves. I'm not judging. I was just wondering why people make it more personal by referring to them that way.
I think it is because in the context of these shared stories in public forums it means "the narc of my story"
There is no meaning to call them on their REAL NAME anymore as they are the same SPECIES THE NARCISSISTS..i suppose when i call him MY EX COVERT because of all the SHARED FANTASY or NIGHTMARES that i had with him and thats included the SEX part..its NOTHING there at all..no REAL ROMANCE or real LOVE MAKINGGGG..sad life for them reallyyyy..😮😅😂😊😊😊😊😊😊
Good point! I better get rid of my fantasy that the narc was sort of romantic and was emotional. It was robotic and things were so digitalized these years so we were not in physical contact. I was happy that it was only digital because of the physical distance. Or it could had gone for the domestic violence....thank God it didn't allow that way! I am so glad that I no longer in the same city as the narc. I had some sentiment that the area I live was near where I met the narc. However, now I can think this as a reminder that it is because the area can be the best WITHOUT the narc and in fact, it is BETTER without him. I will probably experience how nice the neighborhood is without the problematic narc, and will be amazed even more that there are way more gentle, emotional connected, down-to-earth truth people out there.
You make all the sense to me.....he used to even tell me at times that his mood was a reflection of mine....it was so hard to understand him....I was just there for services , supply, sex etc....once i would open my mouth for my own opinion he would explode especially when we had our business....yet he has no drivers license i made him get an ID because i told him unless we do this business my way I would not be putting my name on anything and thank god i listened to my my gut instincts because now he has over 15 lawsuits on him.....Dr. Vaknin Thank you so much for your videos and education I finally feel like my scrambled brain is finally coming undone.
To listen to Sam is truly a walk in a great educational journey.
Welcome to a deep well of knowledge.
You need a huge bucket and an infinite ability to want to learn.
Thank you, Prof. Vaknin. It's a pleasure for me to listen to your videos, especially as a fellow psychologist: your expertise is thoroughly wide-ranging and you are able to synthesize highly complex theory and research (from Freud to Kernberg to Bromberg's 'self-states') in a way that is highly engaging and convincing. Forgive me, please, for a lengthy comment that I hope you will accept as an expression of enthusiasm and admiration from a colleague! This video in particular was of interest to me as I have a strong interest in the presentation of narcissistic traits in homosexuals: I have followed much of your material on homosexual narcissists for several years (on your Tripod site, your book, several videos on this topic) and agree with your assertion that homosexual relationships are (often) highly narcissistic and autoerotic affairs. Consider a patient of mine who freely admitted with no self-censoring: 'I would love to sleep with myself because I would know exactly what I wanted and would make myself feel amazing'. He also disclosed incest fantasies (especially around two male twins), masturbating to his own reflection and described speaking to his love interest as 'like speaking with a mirror'. It was shocking to me, even after years of reading Freud, to see such overt declarations of self-directed libido. In the video you mention the homosexual narcissist introjecting a female love interest so that he can successfully mate with himself. My question to you: Do you agree the same need for a feminine introject is true in homosexual relationships, for instance in Jungian terms through projecting the Anima onto a male partner and then taking that as an introject into phantasy? Or, might it function without the need for such a feminine introject in the homosexual case? In that case, what is the psychic layout? My instinct is that the presentation of highly narcissistic hetero- and homosexual patients differs slightly, but can defer only to your expertise on the topic given that very few clinicians or theorists are willing these days to discuss these topics scientifically.
All narcissists are autoerotic and therefore homosexuals. Vaknin explicitly says that they are not attracted to other people, neither male nor female. Your observation is leaving out the prevalence. Not all homosexuals are narcissists. Just like correlation is not causation.
Very interesting comment. I’ve been thinking about this too…in much less sophisticated terms but similar questions lol
Oh my God, this is happening on the global scale😢 Thank you Professor
This is the only channel that I came across that really gives an in-depth insight into how the Narc thinks.. heartbreaking and eye-opening.. I don;t think there is a word to explain how I feel about learning all of this
Aah. This explains why my Mom goes on and on asking me questions then clenches and squeezes her eyes shut in contempt while she siphons off what she needs while I answer her. She circles back with same topic and has her own many renderings of the conversation that deploy put downs, text messages asking if she should send the police to my house for well checks, periods of childlike behavior where she tosses a blanket over her head while I speak, etc. My reply to the 'well check' text is a sent attachment of my latest well water inspection. Thank you, Sam your work has extreme insight. Especially the fact that this person is the anti-human.
This information is so spot on! Especially the fantasy world and if you disagree or give your opinion- he literally asked me “what happened to my wife , who is this woman? “ yes he definitely wants to keep you in the shadow for sure !
I heard the same thing when I started rebellion
What are you talking about?? Insane
Ah- this description of the hyper imagination disassociated space here! This spacing out. I did it/do it constantly- you think I’m ignoring but I cannot hear- I’m not here, my brain is thinking a thought and not absorbing the new information. Sometimes if the person persists(it sounds a little silly) I kind of cross my eyes and can feel my brain shift or feel fuzzy/tickle and sometimes I can even get distracted by that sensation and still not be hearing what you said lol.
Fascinating & yes, we never really ‘meet’ our narcissists. You give such effort & thought to your work, incredible!
True, It was not sex, it was violation.
Short, agressive, egoistic behaviour. Like all his other behaviour. I never could find about this strange behaviour recording to "sex". He never wanted to touch me and at the same time he was secretly having sex(?) with about 12 former "girlfriends". Excesisly send message s about sex and sending foto's of their naked bodies. When i confronted him with that he said that i shouldnt be so angry or preocupied because "they were only fanaties" and or was the fault of his father. He kept seeing these whores and got rages and told me he wanted to kill me because i asked him why he still was seeing them secretly. "I am doing nóthing wrong!" He screamed...
Mindblowing, Lucky at that time i had distanced myself enough to observe his behaviour in stead of absorb him and his behaviour.
Delisional, perfectly discribed.
Your explainations and descriptions fits him totally. Even more understandable that outsiders can't believe he has a public self and a (home) false self. Which he only showed in the house.
And you become like zombie in reality because one big part of you lives in that shared fantasy,but you can feel that you are now even physically depleted and you're going down...
Yep.
#exactly
It was in his shared fantasy that we called Candyland that I felt most alive and connected intimately (wife-like!) to him
The zombie analogy is accurate. I have a friend who is dating a very overt and obvious narcissist. One day I ran into her on the street and she was swaying in place and said 'hiiiiii' to me with her mouth hanging open and staring often into space without making any kind of eye contact with me. It was so freaky and zombie like!
That's why he always talks about gay men in our conversations. I thought its was quite strange. We were married heterosexuals. Why this man like to bring the conversation about gay men. I knew something wasn't right. Because I am straight. So talking about gay or lesbians will not come to my thoughts. And he doesn't like me to be myself.
I think you’re looking too much into it lol wtf
Thank you as always for your scholarly lecture. For the life of me I could never figure out this narcissist gender. But you have made a brilliant breakdown of what I read in your groundbreaking book “ Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited” page 179 Gender and the Narcissist and again on page 183 Homosexual and Transsexual Narcissist. This was like a Slow Rapid Firing Neurological Epiphany for me! I finally got it after reading it over and over again!
Your videos are filled with valuable knowledge upon this subject... I'm starting to understand my last relationship, which I left. He wanted me keep our so called, relationship, and I had figured him out, and was dumbfounded that I allowed his behavior, and how awful I felt with myself. I had to admit, that I too, was so messed up! I'm still surprised by my behaviour, and am working on my doubts, fears, yet I ask myself, look in the mirror, and take responsibility for my own life, and work toward changing my own flaws. Your teaching is helpful, and needed for these trying times.
Are narcissists their own punishment? If they're carrying the disorder and live in fantasy, shall we say that this is their karma?
I think so, personally.
This is another video (like, From Mommy-Partner To Fantasy And Back) that is like: Psychology of the Narcissist 101. Forms the perfect BASIS for future study of the (male) Narcissist! When I 1st heard of Sam Vaknin I purchased his book Malignant Self Love, and jumped into the deep end first, which was so very fascinating and I couldn't get enough of his videos! These 2 videos explain the very psychological basis of the WHY? that I needed (what basically creates the Narcissistic personality, in the first place)--simply expained! Thank You again, Sam Vaknin!
The sex was extremely odd. When the deed was done he would get up very quickly. It was as if he seemed quite guilty about the act of having sex with me. Very strange. The sex was passionless, lacked intimacy and very robotic. It was very boring too. I felt sorry for him.
Sounds like you hate yourself and you’re projecting 😂
@@bad.chickie66 yeah ngl this does seem like that. My ex would say this despite me having NO issues with other people before her... I'm actually fairly kinky and adventurous. I just don't need to be told I'm boring and incapable of giving someone a weirdly expected experience when it's supposed to flourish between us two naturally. 😂
My god are the Narcissists attracted to baddies and tearing us down 😂
When he gets upset from me he directly tells me i am like his mother
Same here, now I understand..
This was fascinating. I always thought my ex was just bisexual but preferred hetero relationships, but his homosexual tendencies fit perfectly with the paradigm outlined here, down to the ways he'd express himself erotically (he loved to be seen, admired, adorned, exhibited). Interesting stuff.
One thing my husband said was that he wished he could just be inside me all the time. It was not a term of endearment. It was very disturbing.
very disturbing indeed, watch Baby Reindeer - the woman said the same thing to the comedian - creepy
How is that disturbing?
I wonder if that is why my ex always told me we had done things together that we HAD not. Gone to movies, seen them at home, been here, been there. It was maddening to know I had not been there...or else he was cheating and misplaced her with me in his memory.
And mine was the opposite. He had done things without me, before me or taken credit for things that I did, made, cooked, bought, etc. and I'd have to set him straight and let him know I was there or it was my idea or what have you. He even told me conversations between us that never happened. Strange.
This video makes so much sense. They give up on reality
even in buddhism they describe external world such as things and people as the object of the mind ...shocking similarity
He shared his fantasy with me about our future marriage and big celebration. I wasn't fond of the idea, but he insisted, saying that he would be in a WHITE suit. He really was in love with himself.
Musician?
Imagine having this conversation over lunch with a normal person. Yikes!
When I told the ex narc I had figured him out & that I knew he was a narc & that he had just used me to make himself feel good he replied with 'sorry' no denial or acting confused about my accusation... Just 'sorry' that was his admission that I was correct in my opinion, I've never seen/spoken to him since...
Mine said to me, " do you know what my biggest fear is?"
I'm afraid you'll find out exactly who I am someday and leave"
BINGO!!
@@roxannefraser4580 Wow... that says it all... They say narcs tell on themselves quite often... The constant redflags that we brush off as 'less then'... Which we choose to ignore out of love... Its all a massive mess in general 😞
Absolutely! I could not put this into words before but this explains it all!
I could NEVER figure out, who to be, what to say, what to do, what to expect, he told me once, that he talks to me in his mind..
He would rage when he through the door because I wasn't how he expected me to be..
I had no idea untill I became educated by Professor, I lived it, but didn't know what I could do, he always knew what the plan was, how it would go, spring it on me like I should know already..
More than that? He would expound on pie in the sky ideas, out of the blue, and expect me to buy in to it, no matter how bizarre..wished to hell I could have read his mind like he expected,
I could have saved myself lots of grief, in the short-term that is..
Your likeness with Jacques Lacan is unbelievable!!!
Listening to Prof Vaknin, gives me the realization of what to be educated means!
To know, have vivid understanding, able to articulate in words to a vast audience in ways they can understand and gain insight and healing from.
This is marvelous!
I will not compare this great man to Jesus, but it is how Jesus taught his followers to get deliverance from ignorance.
Thank you sir
This makes so much sense.. ugh. It's a gutshot, yet enlightening so thank you for hitting us with it. :D I want to add my voice to the countless others who came here looking for answers, and thankfully, found true information; thank you very much, Sir.
I would like to add the accountability of myself as the victim - addicted to being submissive, owned, OBJECTIFIED. I am not victim-shaming, instead, I am taking back my power by understanding my part on this sadistic dance, to ensure I do not continue engaging these monsters.
Wow! Lacan DOES look EXACTLY.. it’s SCARY!!!!!!!!
He looks exactly like your IDENTICAL twin.
This is blowing my mind (that I do have 😉)
That aside, thank you soo much for your work & contribution toward the arduous task of understanding this tough stuff in ourselves & others.
Holy smokes! 😱 There’s a glitch in the matrix… You ARE Jacques Lacan. Identical twins 😎 …also, after watching dozens of your videos, I greatly appreciate everything you share about narcissism and all its related concepts. It’s interesting, thought provoking and in some cases outright frightening. 🙏🏻
Thank you Sam❤I will admit verbal fighting gives me a release in my being nothing else does. I allow my emotions to take over sometimes like Mom did to us and it feels good. No amount of physical exercise compares to it. Love you Sam, oh to be able to sit down with you someday and chat, one can dream. 💗
worse of all not only your "disappearing" causes then contempt but at the same time paranoid ideas of abandonment will increase bcoz its..." of course " impossible that you /anyone can be that selfless(after all ,his mother wasnt either)they do fear this connection is a desired but impossible fantasy
what's interesting is the the first shared fantasy was that one my mother dragged me into, and after that, I dated men who did the same.
Oh my god, you do look just like Jacques Lacan!
The fantasy and what you are speaking about here reminds me of the movie sidekicks where the young man has a troubled/ traumatizing life and he resorts to day dreaming as chuck norris' "sidekick" as action heros on adventures. Fascinating!!
Thanks for the video!! Bravo!
You are a gift to this world
I definitely felt the sibling rivalry with my husband prof. Vaknin, he is very competitive. Unbelievable...but true!!! Wow
So add to the delusional fantasyland the psychopath narcissist I divorced this year alcoholism
He would constantly yell out that I mean nothing to him , I am nothing and worthless
That There aren’t enough words to describe how much he hates me
That I’m mistaken to even imply that I’m even a thought in his mind
That he doesn’t cares about anything to do with me
He was my boyfriend when I was 15. He was a virgin ..I broke up with him because He said he saw a girl in his class and I didn't want to hold on to him I felt he deserved to love. We read that now I'm 61 last year On Facebook he loved Bombme.. I thought oh Wow we get to do this relationship over... You came on my birthday to visit me. For Week. Then he wanted to come back and see me again the second time he came I was excited about sexually to be my masculine self.. I enjoyed every bit of being masculine since I hadn't been masculine since I left him.. This opened doors for me tremendously my whole life I've been around schizophrenic bipolarnarcissist And no narcissist never knew.. You're never too old to move on . 2 things I have written on my wall one is when truth no longer means everything to you then truth no longer means anything to you.. Second one life is ironic it takes silence to no happiness noise to appreciate silence an absence to value presene . No you're self-worth And be free Be kind they can't break you're too strong And worth it
"even brown out" ha! i love prof. sam vaknin! he not only helps me to understand this disorder... he cracks me!😃 aloha🌺 from kona, Hawaii
This stuff is real! I have been married over 16 years and have been separated 11 years to date . It has gotten worst over the years since we are not physically together this is because she can tell me anything over the phone or text or email. We do not cam we just talk on the phone and very little texting we also send photos of each other and other objects . We argue sometimes because when I don't go along with her shared fantasies about money, traveling, divorce , remarrying and her secret cyber high status friends she will always say " Ok you will see" now 11 years has passed and I tease her and laugh at her we argue fuss and fight she hangs up. Sometimes I find myself being very disrespectful and angry towards her and it breaks my heart that she has mental issues and I don't want to leave her hanging so my strategy is this I tell her to get your high status friends that you claim loves you to pay for the divorce but this it never happens.
He was sad coz he had put on some weight and I told him I dont love you only for your looks and his reply was but I do..
This concept that they sexualize themselves made no sense to me then when I was with my Ex N..After watching this video, I am shocked by this phenomenon..
I was wondering how would you describe Mr. Bean? Does he have a normal personality?
Very close to covert narcissist.
5:30
27:00
39:00
42:00
44:30 your feminity
46:30 he needs you to become a painting
55:00 absorption
1:21:55
Thank you Sam. That's all I can say
This makes so much sense now. Thank you for your brilliant insights and explanations. There is a french movie called “ Love Me If You Dare”. It was a movie he gave me as a gift. It illustrates a lot of this phenomenon, a glimpse into the narcissistic internal world.
You have really good topics and excellent perspectives on these things.
I understand every word you’re saying...Lived it for ten years unfortunately
You are 'gone ' ..😂I love the way you say that Professor.
The first thing i ever said to him ( on this topic) was, " Why do you make a competitor out of your woman?"
omg I looked up Lacan and laughed out loud. Ho. Lee. Sht! Identical!!! Its the glassss and the hair. Prof Vaknin also resembles young Dan Akroyd.
That is fiscally tiring ,abuse and emotional nightmare. You can be suck in their bodies and you don't return with the narc. Im better off investing in a car.
Maybe I’m the narcissist..my memory stinks. My ex narcissist had a memory like an elephant, he could remember even the most minute detail of every conversation we ever had..I swore he actually kept written notes.
trauma affects your memory
@@ingadarcy6988 that makes sense !
Oh my gosh. My ex narc told me jokingly he had a file on his computer for me. 99.9% sure he probably did. When we’d argue sometimes he’d have a list written down of notes
Are you sure he remembers these facts? Or is he just making you believe that this or that happened in a certain way to make it fit his narrative. Because as Sam describes a narc believes in his introjects and has bad reality testing. What about the things hes done wrong that you clearly remember 100% ? Does he turn things around in hindsight or seems to not remember them when you ask him about it?
I think you remember things he can't remember, just try to tell him what memories you have that are NOT the ones in common..
He is gone, he might even tell you your memory is suspect, maybe get checked for that!!!
We all have different memories, in common interpretation or subjective..
I would love to hear what happened!!
DEAR SAM VAKNIN, This isn’t supposed to contradict anything, but the secret life of Walter Mitty has actually been covered by some UA-cam videos who claim it is displaying another dissociative disorder known as Maladaptive daydreaming(not in DSM yet) and its very rare, and can only begin in Childhood(can’t be learned as adult) and can often be a response to Trauma. I have this disorder, but ever since I was a teenager, the fantasies of my Daydreams are extremely narcissistic, which is why I do a lot of research in videos like these.( many narcissistic family members as well) for example I’m a violinist in real life, and in my daydreams I’m the BEST VIOLINIST whose ever graced the earth. And I need to pace and use my choice if music to trigger these daydreams... it’s not well researched yet, and I’m curious what you have to say about this... my theory is this condition is a particular form of DID and NPD, but this personality we take on when fantasize is the inner Narcissist and that’s where the dissociation comes in. It really is just like that movie... and I’m not bullshitting-IT FEELS JUST AS REAL AS REALITY, PERHAPS EVEN MORE- PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS, IT NEEDS MORE COVERAGE... AND IM REALLY CURIOUS WHAT YOUD HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT😁😁👍 thank you and keep up the videos please
I just realized u talk about it a little bit, but can u still elaborate in another video based on what we know
@@luisecorner1281 tbh the world that we create is very rewarding to be in, usually more than reality, and it’s very pleasureable, and it feels like an affirmation of life, rather than a denial of it, and that’s kinda the problem
39:00 when Sam pushes with his hand. That!! That is the hand signal for RUN. 😁 Run like HELL and don't look back. Know the Narcissist. Save yourself.
this has confirmed so many of my wonderings...wow.
Thank you. Deeply and hard work!
Yo! I can't stand reading books because I will remember the book as if the story actually happened to me. Like ptsd. I avoid reading any fictional books 🤔
A lot of men like these on dating apps.
More women
@@bad.chickie66 50/50 gender disparity.
I have asked if he like men often because of his actions. but of course, he said of course not. Is he ashamed of himself because of this and is that why he is the way he is? I believe he is homosexual because this totally makes sense. Im confused.
When you describe this phenomenon how the narcissist holds you at arms length and how he is unable to see how you grow and develope and change, and I guess I became more aware about this connection myself over the years, but it is as if you describe my mother and this one other person at the same time. (I actually started to write poems about this invisible wall feeling when I was 14 and my mother was in the same room while I was practically nonexistent).
Oc they look completely different, but there are these strong parallels.
I understand this better, but I´m not sure how I will go on. I try to talk with my child feelings (it´s not this complete switch, but it tugs at me and has the urge to talk through me since it came up towards the surface more and more), but it´s not easy.
I´m glad for the moments when I can feel the anger towards my mother and that I could go off contact (that I understood that there is no other option) but mostly it feels more like lifting the lid of Pandora´s box 1mm. I could apply for the role of Pandora´s box in a movie, evth is stuffed inside and you can hear it rumble and mumble. XD
Do codepents also have fantasy problems? And that's why it's easy for them to refute reality and enter in shared fantasy with narcissist?
Yes. as I say clearly about 200 times.
@@samvaknin yeah we are so slow in understanding Dr. Sam. Or else wouldn't it be simple to get out of narcissistic relationship and understand his manipulations!😂
Please suggest how to overcome fantasy problems.. I sure I am not fantasy prone personality but yeah I develop romantic fanatazies head on and idealization begins.
How to be more realistic?
Wow wow wow … this is why he insisted in having very long hair and at times after he would shower he will let his hair down and lay in bed like a woman waiting to be painted 😂 this makes so much senseeee
T😊his advice is really good i have come across people like this good show thanks.
The Hitchcock film Dalí collaborated on for the dream sequence was Spellbound. (I love your references to classic films!)
He has 3+ avatars in his 8 yr history in an RPG game -- in which 4+ partners were also enlisted as avatar spouses or friends. Former avid DnD player . . .
Your are very funny,and intelligent great talk.🤣 as always.
My ex would wear my clothes especially to bed.... Would this relate to him being in love with himself? When I first noticed his "feminine side" I thought he was secretly gay or a crossdresser.
I doubt it. He is in love with himself -- a man with a man's body. So how does wearing a woman's cloths enhance his self love?
But then again who knows what the f* goes on inside their heads. The more I learn about narcacist, the more I have to ask if these people are human or some other form of beings that look like humans.
I heard most of the narc are bisexual!!!🤔🤔 Many survivors confessed.
I feel insane. He doesn’t stop chasing me. I constantly reject. But I think about him all the time. Even when I ignore his chasing.
@@bodnarova05 he is blocked. He calls me from no ID numbers and other peoples phones. I don’t answer. I just know it’s him. He tried to kill me twice, even put me in jail. There is not three weeks that have ever gone by in the past two years that he has not tried to get me, either sitting outside of my apartment at four in the morning or calling me from unknown numbers
@@melissaflesch9131 Can you go to a next step and change your number? I'm so glad I coincidentally moved when I went NC. Is that something you would consider? Document everything and see what criteria or information you need for a restraining order.
@@misstidoy I changed my number three times in the past two years. I have lost so many contacts and had to reconstruct my phone, you have no idea. He has a lot of ways to get to me. He has lots of money. He follows me. I even went to Texas for a few weeks and he found me there. He is living with another woman now, moved in with her a month after being with him for 5 1/2 years. He does not stop.I think it is a form of stalking. I hear his engine outside my window, he has a sports car, so it is very loud. I ignore him. He won’t stop
I have gotten the police involved several times and it has been a nightmare. I never want the police involved in my life ever again
@@melissaflesch9131 Uhh, some of them are relentless. Keep ignoring and keep documenting everything that happens. Focus on your healing as much as you can. 🙏🏾
I wonder if having a religion as part of upbringing also encourages fantastic thinking.
Religion is absolutely part of disconnect, fantasy of what one should/could be..
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil..
Only on SUNDAY!!
All sounds really really creepy.
Loved The Secret Life of Walter Mitty in short story and movie form. Also loved classic film The Agony and the Ecstasy with Charlton Heston as Michelangelo / Rex Harrison as Pope!!! Two classics for my literary/film fantasy-driven life!!! My blind narcissist manipulated me to orgasm like an accountant using an adding machine! I also helped him pluck off back hairs the night before his walks resumed after early covid-19 strictures with his male Mentor/patron. Seems like a bit of preparational homosexual grooming to me. If you're just going to breakfast and on a walk together, why do you need your back hairs plucked . . . .?
my narc once told me a story about murders in Japan. victims are mistaken for virtual gaming avatars...
yes.... schools should become much more aware of this personality disorder (catch them early on).... becoming much more rampant these days -- find them help before their own personality disorders become their own demise later on -- reactive systems in the US which are completely counterproductive
@@elfkind5590 they should be the ones placed in the school's psychologist's office -- they create hell, and often get away with it... they receive more negative reinforcement through their narc parents, as well... they should be isolated early on... was a complete waste of my time -- dealing with a destructive narc / psychopath, who should have had his a$$ handed to him 1,000 times over, rather than congratulated for invading other schools, and mindfu$king his own sheep lol
the only reason this narc had "friends," was because he was operating from afar.... typically, most people find them repulsive
@@elfkind5590 had you went through an empath -- narc situation such as mine; you would rethink your comments, and provide examples, rather than state generally that schools enhance narcissism in children.... it is an epigenetic issue (nature and nurture)... usually one or both parents are narcs., they had an extremely traumatic / dismissive childhood.... problem is: when the narc throws his shit on me -- there gonna be huge fu$king problems...... period.
proactively-placed video cameras per classroom; and systematic, objective evaluations and vetting of potential, incoming "problems," would have made this a very obvious textbook example -- (catch the problems before they become out-of-hand) -- at early adolescence
@Elf Kind ok, maybe i should have been more specific, as in a certain classification of narcissism... but then again, it makes me question Sam's positive involvement in spreading awareness -- and his "apparent" empathetic side -- altruistic side to give back to others and inform -- probably a very complex answer lol... Sam knows his stuff extremely well, agreed... and I have gained much insight through his videos