How knowing about cluster B or at the very least basic psychology would save a lot of people from this kind of targeted abuse. Knowledge is the power to protect yourself. There were so many parts of this where you got suckered in because you just didn't know something.
Everyone ever is a victim of something. Real or percieved. It is how we choose to react that defines us.what doesnt kill us (mentally, spiritually, emptionally) will make us a stronger us.
Everyone ever is a victim of something. Real or percieved. It is how we choose to react that defines us.what doesnt kill us (mentally, spiritually, emptionally) will make us a stronger us.
You know you're cured when you don't feel the need to watch Richards videos every day. But you probably can't get there without watching Richards videos every day.
I come back to them every now and then to remind myself to never do that shit again! And also because my codependency issues are still there and he really helps with that.
I like the refreshers and the encouragement. I wouldn't say I was a co dependent anymore but I still have CPTSD. I find it very hard to trust others and also take a sharp intake of breath like gasping if anything sudden happens, like if I drop something, or a loud beeper or doorbell going off next to me and I wasn't expecting it. (had to turn that right down or I'd let out a scream.) My poor neighbours! It doesn't scare me, I'm just very vocal about it.
I would get desensitised to that if it happened to me a lot I expect though. It's strange how it's an automatic reaction over something not even scary!
I consider myself cured and very lucky to overcome the trauma but after several years something drowns me back to these videos. I reopened the case. It doesn't bring any negative emotions, that's how I know I had fully recovered. Even when I am attracting other narcissists into my life, which I quickly recognise now and just go no contact with these people, it doesn't disturb me at all. I just see it for what it is and move on. I think what brings me back to rethink narcissists, psychopaths and other personality types is that I had discovered something more about what might be the reason for their sick behaviours and manipulations.
That's exactly how I feel. There's an added level of darkness to my life I didn't have before. It's really uncomfortable, that new knowledge. Lost innocence.
It's so heartbreaking when you realize you were conditioned to it sometimes. I didn't realize my stepfather was a covert. I got together with a malignant. My whole world turned upside down. Feels like I'm trying to heal 2 dark entities at once. 🤔😔
Melissa Miller you can heal. I’ve been participating in Richard’s courses since January. The 30 day challenge changed my life. I now journal, meditate, but the most important change has been honestly identifying & accepting emotions. All of them. I listen to my body now, it’s a miracle how in the end it does want to thrive.
The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Barryinvestigation@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me.
yes I have experienced very similar to what this video explained and you too. It is unimaginable level of manipulation and they convince you that they have to do this because they are so traumatized (by parents or someone close). So you feel it is their special fate or something they were chosen to do, so on...that is what they want you to believe, as a hero who had to go through tremendous suffering because of their parents, family, etc. Then you feel like they have a right to behave the way they do and they can get away with anything including lying endlessly and accuse you for everything even if you don't say a word that is mean or hurting. I was in a battle with this narc so when I didn't know, I used to talk back and said some mean things but after I started to realize who he was, I withdraw talking with words that are hurting and attacking. Yet, they never stop and they can just say whatever and curse you to the deepest. I have completely detected their tactics (almost) so I have zero interest in them as a partner or someone I can be close to. If I detect those traits with people, I know what to do. Run! and never ever give them any chance to abuse you.
YES! Everyone but *me* He saved the best acting for everyone else....I once asked him, "why do you save the best of yourself for everyone else?" He had no answer.
Yes ... the one I was dealing with I would tell, as it was true, that when nice it was not possible to meet anyone nicer. ‘But there was another side which was unbearable.’ Cliche perhaps ... but really is Jekyll and Hyde dealing with these very dangerous nuts.
Which PROVES their having Complete ability to Choose and Control their behavior. They're just Stupidly misogynistic in thinking they can get by with Wrongs toward certain people in their lives. Note their boss is NOT one of them they would Try
The predators need you to accept dichotomous thinking so their sob stories have the effect they want: to make you stop thinking of them as abusive. They can't be, because they're a victim!
But everybody know that a victim ( in another context) can be the abuser? No? Nobody have heard of the triangle Victim/abuser/helper? where everybody can change of role model if context change?
@Pine Trees I am so sorry that you went through that $hitty, $hitty $hit!! I can empathize. Mostly, though, I thought you deserved, from one human to another: You shouldn't have gone through anything like that! I'm so sorry, you Kind Soul!
I truly believe that only when you have been in a relationship with someone with NPD can you comprehend the experience. It is mindfuckery you have a difficult time processing and even more difficult time trying to explain it to someone else. Thank you for your thoughtful videos- you are helping more people than you know.❤️
Best comment ever "I truly believe that only when you have been in a relationship with someone with NPD can you comprehend the experience. It is mindfuckery you have a difficult time processing and even more difficult time trying to explain it to someone else."
You’re right. I’ve thought someone was a friend and told them what I go through only to find I’m suddenly a deluded, dishonest crybaby. If they meet my oh so sweet husband who worships the ground I walk on? Well..you know. Richard has changed my life. ❤️
Yeah. Can’t explain to someone else. Being preempted so you look bad when you tell the truth. I have one cousin who believes me. No sibs. Not my son. My daughter gets it, but too much damage done for us to have a loving relationship. Even my therapist of 2 1/2 years scolded me after meeting him. She believed he just wanted to make it work! Make WHAT work?! My total annihilation? Richard has made an incalculable difference in my life.
Its crazy how you feel alone after this .. . Only a few will understand … I had to stop talking to my own family bcUse I keep repeating myself . If I say one day Im fine the next they they won’t undertans why I feel so bad .. and ask me why?? Its frustration over pain and sadness .. I had to cut them out cause my head his tired
They do not know how to connect emotionally, AT ALL! Yes they DO NOT know how to love. With a narc it is all your love that keeps the relationship going. I had been with my narc husband for 32 years. I almost suicided. Jesus saved me in so many ways. I am doing amazing. Best shape of my life, full of joy. Leave the narc, follow Jesus. Thank you friend for your honesty, you are so right on!❤️
I have been with my covert narc for 34,5 years. I am getting divorced just now. Wonderful time. I am excited being away from the marriage. The greatest shift in me was made by Richard and his videos, especially video 1984 Bateson double bind. Unbelievable. Disgusting.
I know jesus saved me too we needed him so bad to protect our sanity, I came to thinking and it's why I feel I am on the way to healing that it was like rape that horrible act that became my realisation, rape of my mind body and soul trying to suck the life out of me truly a parasite. I have our lord to thank for my eyes being truly opened.
"they're just not there" no communication is ever complete. There is no couple, no "us" as a team. Vulnerable narcissism - me too for years I wanted to understand - it was like I was living with 2 different people. I got cancer over 26 years of the stress and anxiety.
totally agreed with the lack of "us" or "team'! in fact my ex made me feel like an enemy to be defeated at every turn in the relationship. she was impossible to communicate with, just as Richard said... she could never just focus on the specifics of the disagreement, everything always turned into a personal attack and her bringing up stuff from the past as well as information about me that she got out of my relatives and then twisted it to make me feel like I was somehow damaged.
@Jem your story seems so similar to mine. -22 year relationship -every conversation was never completed. If I tried to finish it he would say he couldn't handle it mentally or emotionally and would find different ways to exit. -my health issues include constant back pain, anxiety, then anxiety attacks after 3 different disclosure of infidelity days however he never disclosed info. I had to find out. Daily headaches, insomnia, crippling clinical depression that required medication. He was able to get away with it for so long because he would always bring up his abusive childhood into every discussion that then turned into a battle because he was always defensive. The final thing he said to me that broke the trauma bond is: why do you keep trying to have serious conversations with me. I don't want to talk to you about anything unless it's about random topics or current music artists or cars. I realized after 20 years he only wanted a woman to be quiet unless he introduced meaningless topics to talk about. He didn't want a partner with her own ideas, agendas, or plans. I'm a teacher so my every day is all about this. Now he said this to me before yet not so bluntly with words. Like if I brought up home repairs so we could put our house on the market he would say fine wouldn't do them and then months later would walk out because I was being a nag to a man who was just trying feed him family. This is was a bunch a crap we were never struggling financially.
@@kaylees1072 Maddening, isn’t it? I hope you are healing now. My ex moved on to live w a trauma nurse who is well to do. How is that for irony? He gets away w so much. Charms, knows how to pick a woman who can care take etc. It has taken me years to let go of my resentment and grief over lost years. Getting there.
My God you described my life perfectly. I'm completely broken at end 9 years of this. Just hearing one person understand to describe me my life was divine Universe. Thank you Richard. 🙏
16 years with the narc. 20 years to recoup. I did my time. My kind, loving heart is still intact. Moving on to sharing that gift with other worthy people. Thanks for your videos, Richard.
I’m 8 months no contact, but the hostage taking trauma bond was so powerful it took a huge toll on my health and my confidence, and frankly I was crushed by the indifference and the cruelty of the narco path. Therapy and detoxing has helped me overcome the damage inflicted by the dark triad narc. Happier, stronger and narc free is the only way to be. 👏🙏❤️
The reconstruction of the self and your life really hits the mark. It takes so much effort and so much time and who comes out the other end of the recovery is a very different person.
It feels like I'm sitting talking with a close friend, when Richard speaks. It really takes an incredibly warm and genuine human, to come across the screen that way. Thank you so very much for all you do!
This is exactly what I went and am going thru. One thing that I feel helps me out ( from being such a sucker) is that I did not see nor understand what the hell was going on and who could be like this. And this is why. Its because I am a healthy person and I don't understand unhealthy. Its only going thru this that I realize that there are some messed up people. I don't think I would change a thing, going thru this has given me a opportunity for person growth. It's showing me exactly my character , its like you said making me stronger
Really good points. I never felt so good about myself, my own value, my instincts as I do after 27 yrs of tangling with narcissism. After that marriage and realizing my mother was one, as well, I am over the moon gratified that I am still intact. Not long ago, I was like walking dead. Now I am someone I love. Basking in that sh!t
As usual I really feel so much resonance with your experiences. And I too went through 2 narc relationships, not 1, but 2 of the goddamn things before I "woke up" from what was happening. I thought to myself "this is sooooo weird! I'm such a good person, honest, kind, loving, empathic, supportive, appreciative, humble, resourceful, self-sufficient, organised, high-functioning, no debt, no addictions, great job, etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah". And then I googled "Domestic Abuse" because I was sure that's what I'd experienced, because there was: the reeling-in where they'd pursued me for months with "love-bombing" and begging for me to give them a chance because they were "different", the flowers and gifts, and always wanting to rush to the next level; then once they had me, they isolated, forced big investments both emotionally, financially, then came the put-downs, devaluing, gaslighting, future faking, promises that were never kept; then came the all-out verbal and psychological abuse when I expected anything in return or promises to be fulfilled, which led to yelling, screaming, name calling, using my childhood against me, right through to physical violence, doors being barricaded when I'd try to leave, threats to destroy me financially, to destroy my career... and what was worse was I didn't even know how to fight back because I'd grown-up with just my mum (my dad died when I was young - and these creeps would even use that against me!) and we were very close and supportive of one another and mum and I never fought, she was so supportive and loving, compassionate to everyone not just me ---- so that was my model for how to treat others and how I expected to be treated in return. I got out into "the real world" only to discover that's not how people treated one another at all! Doubly shocking because I'd been a straight-A student and highly regarded in my home town, so people treated me really nicely especially knowing the childhood trauma I'd experienced, so I was wrapped-up in cotton wool by anyone that knew me because they'd seen how despite my hardships I never let it hold me back and chose to use it to excel. But meet a narc and they don't care about your past, what you overcame, your achievements, your goals and dreams --- nope, no siree, it's all about the narc now and what you can do for them! Veer from the path they've chosen for you and it will be all-out war - you're going to pay! Both narcs had "mummy issues" for sure, and they were looking for a "mummy replacement" --- the creepy weird relationships they had with their own mothers should have been the red flags from the outset --- both mothers saw their sons as "gods" yet infantilized them - now that is super weird stuff!
The lights are on but no ones home...... even after the relationship that haunting feeling will remain so do not stay stuck in the relationship in hopes of resolving this in your mind. It’s always gonna be creepy.
im so glad you are here to put these experiences online so that we all know we are not alone and that though this happens we can fight to get through it. I recommend jiu jitsu to anyone that has experienced this awful abuse in order to move on with life. Much love
I replayed this 5 times. Scrolling through all old photos, deleting them one by one. Richards words, filling in the blanks of the past, FINALLY seeing the 🔥🚩BURNING RED FLAGS 🔥🚩 what a mess. Thank God im still breathing and free from this nightmare.
That was my ex...I could never properly communicate with him, he was an extremely charming facade and control freak and incapable of vulnerability..took me mostly 3 years to recover also, even longer.
@Vanessa Poss I believe you are right on. I've noticed both Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast are about narcissistic relationships. Snow White is scyzophrenic, with her multiple personalities..,.ie the 7 dwarphs! There are so many double meanings in all their movies, not just cute fairy tales.
8 years with my covert and 3 years later still recovering such a long process 🙁 Having children with him is definitely delaying my healing as I need to deal with him regularly but thank you Richard you have been instrumental in getting me this far!
Great video. I challenge the "I really loved her" concept. Codependents are no more capable of authentic love than narcissists. It feels like real love but really it is just acting out a role, that was formed in childhood out of pure survival. When a codependent meets a narcissist it is just triggering the familiar childhood experience of trying to love a narcissistic parent out of a survival instinct. When I finally reached a certain point in my recovery I was able to see that I never loved my narcissistic ex either, even though I really thought I did.
I enjoyed watching this as I've just had a 4 year relationship with a CN (just after a 20 year relationship with a sociopath). I particularly liked the bit when you were comparing 2 ex girlfriends. When you described the covert as " just not there" I nodded in agreement as it's hard to put into words what they're like. However, I think I differ from your outcome though because I'm completely broken now. Unfixable. Don't want to be fixed because I never want to be fooled again. I actually knew about narcissism when I met him and sort of knew that he wasn't "real" in the first few days. However, he made himself so irresistible to me! The sex was wonderful, he fixed everything around my house and took me out to the theatre, meals etc etc. I was hooked and now....and now that he's discarded me a few hours after my mum died and 6 days before xmas.....well...I should've spent the last 4 years looking for a real companion and not a shiny new robot.
I am trying to stay no contact but it is hard. I feel better when I don't have to think of his lies, etc, etc, etc. But I suppose it is better to deal with it than become bitter & hateful yourself! Thank you for constantly reliving your torture to help us. Thank you 😊
Thank you for sharing Richard. A 18 month relationship has cost be 5 years of my life and I’m still struggling. It may of cost me the chance to have a family. When you are hitting they last years of your fertility as a woman you become extremely vulnerable... I am working through your material and finding it very insightful and encouraging.... I remember in the early days of the relationship when things weren’t right at all and I was so confused, I watched some of your videos ... more NLP related and I feel you have really grown in the understanding of abuse and life and you truly are a master communicator... sending you gratitude🙏🙏🙏
Wow, this is truly a great video of so many issues in these relations that the person is further traumatized and used.. narcissistic people at younger ages don’t even see or know what they are doing, but their selfishness is visible. You gotta fit into their life and plans
Tell you what you though, once you've done your breaking down and got your realisations, you are on your way to strength. And not just romance, a friend continuously wanting to use me as a wank tool for her self pity and me being receptive, day after day, wtf. I realised it and told her (directly but not rejectingly) that I wouldn't do it anymore. She adjusted. So, a boundary to breach, identifying this, communicating it & allowing the person to correct (although I've stayed with those who didn't in the past even after communicating it). Respect for yourself. I wouldn't have told her at all before, I would've probably let it build up untill blow out, and would've held it against her and said I was the wronged one. Now, I'm communicating. Healthy.
For someone who doesn't have a formal education and professional training as a mental health professional, you do a great job articulating your experience and sharing what you've learned from it and since then.
It IS tough, it IS possible to heal. And become stronger on the other side. The supportive nature of professionals and survivors like Richard can and have been paramount in this process for me. I can't thank you enough. Nama(don't)stay the eff away! 🙏
Yes, I have found myself in this loop - they are legitimately a victim and a narcissist. Coverts can really fit in here & they have a great sob story to use when they spin their web, and it's a true story. Tricky tricky.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head. After a 20 year relationship on and off with a covert narcissist who I had to work with on a daily basis. This is all true and very hard to get over. It's rooted in your mind and body and cause me ptsd. But, after leaving work I'm much better with my anxiety and depression. Thanks for the great video..
Wow. So much to process as I’m sitting here nodding my head “me too”. Thank you for making it “real world” and not using a white board to explain it. Definitely watching this over and over! Thank you for opening up about something obviously painful. It helped me.
Thanks for being vulnerable enough for me to relate...I feel normal, as normal as one can be living with a narc...living the rollercoaster ride I called my marriage. Fighting to become healthy...physically, mentally & emotionally...struggling with my "love" for him...scared of returning just so I don't have to feel the way I do now...8days fresh out of the fire, yet still burning from the flames.
Thank you, so very useful. Especially the part where you explain how she split herself, on one hand giving as little as possible to keep the relationship going, on the other knowing this is all an act and her real self has no emotion or investment in it at all.
Haven't watched you in so long because I had to step out of the N bubble and move on with my life. Just wanted to say you are looking great your eyes are sparkling.
You described the 4 yr relationship and marriage to my ex perfectly. (Met ALL the indicators of a covert N and boarder line.) I had never heard of such a person or believed anyone was capable of such a farce and cruelty. I had never loved so deeply only to come to realize that “I was in-love with a ghost”. It was a complete mind-f*ck. It made me emotionally numb to the thought of romantic love.
Richard I am so proud of you 👍🏻 you have always been a light of understanding and clarity for those making progress and better decisions moving forward. Thank you for being you. I am learning so much life saving tools to navigate life .
yes this is exactly what i experienced fro my narc it is very painful and im still in the recovery phase, only 5 months in and ive gone to therapy, i already know about the trauma and the spiritual understanding of life. it brought up my own attachment trauma with my mum, the anxiety of this experience is going all the way back to all y relationships with all the women ive had relationships. what you are saying is so truthful. the negative self talk and beliefs that you hold about your self. its so painful. i was able to understand the process and see the projection that she engendered and gave her back the shit she gave me, it is still painful and its so sad, the love is there from myself but like you said its a sham and lie. i glad that you shared what you have. i will contact you as well
You are very littérate about it brother, and having litterally lived the same situation you expose here with the same type of individual. It was like "okay you really want to play this stupid love game lets go in your own dream field", using your hopes you deep wishes and wounds to play with you while you doing exactly the same with her in an attempt to build and heal together. "ok you really want to play this spicy push pull games, i will give you so much goodness that you will surrender." Fairly tough back then, been through the rabbit hole, touched the bottom, went into complete darkness and restarted again. I sympathize a lot while realising you are one of the few who knows what living with a psychopath goal oriented cold blooded person is like. (Said away from any reactive blameful bs). I thought i had enough expérience to deal with it and expose the stupidity of that coping strategy to her using all of the tools a codependent healer can think of. Its shaky to go back there w you in a short video. It seems you are back more balanced and grounded than ever. Keep on the good work.
I'm so grateful to you for sharing this information, it means the world to me. In the times of darkness and utter despair, you are a ray of light of hope.
Yes 5 yrs he .e gently a used me horrible names I wish I would of had A tape recorder I winwood of showed it to my friends to hear they would of been amazed and surprised but I think they believe me now 1 week now spso peaceful now thank god love your video no s teaming anymore he would talk to the TV too nuts love ya k m
I have just come out of a relationship with a covert narcissist. I have been left questioning so much about life. I also fear at this stage, that my heart is no longer as open and full of love, in the way that it had always been. I am a counsellor, a humanitarian and a deeply compassionate soul. These videos from Richard have been a life saver, mentally. I certainly believe I am coming out of this stronger, but question my ability to love in the way I have previously.
There's always a positive out of everything if you look for it and if you can also gain understanding of what you were/are dealing with. Not all my experiences were good, far from it, being the scapegoat was beyond horrible but it gave me a strength I wouldn't have had without it. I became desensitised to hurtful words, character assassinations and the fear of being hit. I was around 13 the first time I was punched full on in the face by a lad much bigger than me. It didn't hurt at the time, I didn't even feel it, all I wondered was, why is the world suddenly going backwards! After a lot of abuse in my life it had made me totally reject myself for many years, this wasn't obvious to everyone by my exterior but it's how I felt inside and I know it showed to some people. I also had my back broken after standing up to someone and it made me learn to calm down in reacting to bullies face on. What I did in return of his bullying did not justify what happened to me at all, he was way over the top but I learned walking away is far better as it takes more strength to do that than to be impulsive. I forgave the person who did that to me and he 'respected' (I use that term lightly) me after. I used to be so angry and upset at the abuse I'd suffered but it didn't really show most of the time, I buried it. I always preferred and still do, loving people but anger popped/pops out from time to time under severely extenuating circumstances. Righteous anger is a good thing. Being broken physically beyond repair enforced me to lay down a lot, (I didn't have much choice) and learn, learn, learn from channels such as these online. My good God whom I love and who I give all the credit to for renewing my mind has changed me immensely. (I still stand up to bullies, although in a different way, I respond more than react.) I am still a work in progress but I am on my way. I was amazed to learn that after loving one person with narcissistic traits when I got older is it's like falling in love with yourself for the first time as they mirror you. These were and are some of my blessings. Now I can look back and be grateful for those lessons! It's all character building stuff and it all happens for a reason :)
“Strike me down lord Vader, and I shall become more powerful than you could ever know.” 🤣 Right!? Damn this is such a good video. I’ll watch this multiple times.
Thank you! I just went through this with a guy. This is the most educational and insightful video out there. I possess these traits too but I want to heal, recover, and not be a narc. but rather recovering from CPTSD. I didn't sleep with him-yay!
This was literally bone chilling for me. I felt like you explained my exact experience with my very recent ex covert Narc. I am convinced finally after 5 years that he is truly evil. You used all the same words and all the same feelings I would used to describe this horrific nightmare. I knew early on that there was something very wrong but was indirectly and systematically (as you said) being convinced I was crazy. It is scary to think about the road to recovery I have ahead of me but I have been in counseling on and off for 2 years through it and am persistent as hell. I am committed to finding my true self and becoming like a Jedi at warding off these archons. Thank you!!!
Sir, what you describe is exactly what my daughter is living through. Her husband retired out of the military after being in the Special Forces. He does things to deliberately hurt her, like shooting pigs they were growing on thier farm where he stood by and let her find them as she screamed he said do you want to save the meat of your favorite pig. He walks around like motionles he says I love you to her but it seems forced. Thats just part of it. Im terrified for her because not only is she living in this hell she's 5 months pregnant and wants her baby to have both a mom and dad. Just pray for our family!
Thanks for sharing that with us Richard. I often wonder does the words, I love you, simply mean I want you to love me because I am an empty vessel who needs that very special emotional filling, even though I leak and may never be able to equally return your unique love?
It’s the ‘Cluster B, it’s all about me’ behaviour. You sense this person does not have your back. A baby/young child can even sense that cold void inside them.
I love the way you describe the recovery process. Now I know why I had to meet the Narc and had to go through all this pain. I needed a complete cleaning and Redefinition of who I am That’s really cool With God’s help I got out of there. I’m so grateful .
I am grateful for truth. Wow. Everything you have shared is real. Thanks for youre truth. My take away. My relationship has been not real. It was all a fantasy. I am so awake that I am ready to take on understanding the cpmlexies of what I have been thinking was real, its all a fabricated lie. I bought the lie and forgive myself, I am going to focus on healing. Just blows my thinking. Its real, now i am going to focus on acceptance, I am accepting, no contact. What happened, say, yes this has happened. Its the extreme. Violent, threatening and so abusive and its now affecting my well-being so making a stand for me. I care about my life., I am assessing me and setting my self up for staying on tune to embrace my values and let go of a relationship that has not, is not, and will not every bring me joy. I choose joy over unhappiness. Thank you for sharing youre experiences as I have watched many as I am processing this abusive relationship I have been in. I realize I have be lured in my own mind that this ghost loved me. What a nightmare it has been. I am thankful for waking up.
12:35 this I can relate so much. I became permanently stressed, flatbreathing, sleeping HORRIBLY and waking up WASTED from sleep, unable to get up due to skyrocketing cortisol levels. I became negative, moody, overly critical of everyone and discontent with everything in my life. And when she abused me emotionally with her pointless accusations which she pulled out of thin air, it was impossible to talk rationally with her - which drove me so nuts that after staying calm for hours and she keeping on beating me up like that, I started hitting my own head painfully. It was horrible. And yet I sometimes find myself forgetting all of this and wishing to be back with her. I will work myself through this and heal. But it is very painful.
Here's where I am at with this. I am in the exact situation he speaks of. 14 years with this monster . She hides her ugly to the outside world and is trying to get me to move away from my home and pay the mortgage , which I have been doing to keep from being yelled at. My mom died 1 year ago today and she wouldn't help me bury my mom. And I still let her stay,im not married. I listen to the words said and I can feel that same pain he felt. Some days I can't even stand up because of the shit she has put me through. I look for strength to help me get away from here. Sorry to vent. God bless . Hoping to find a good support group to join in Orlando FL. I'm 53. Sad
Thank you! Video content was great! I have been married 6yrs to a covert narcissist. I've been awoken to her "behavior" as a narcissist for about a month as I keep gaining more and more knowledge about what I've been experiencing. Spot on Richard and thank you for sharing your story.
Man, i have watched so many videos, been alone so many hours, this last time with a covert for 2 years, healing for 8 months ,but this is not my first ride; i have learned a lot, including the part that we need to adress our issues, and not fall into victim mentality even more, whatever,, ts the 5 th time +- that i watch this one, and when you said it took you 3 years it was nice because i m still crazy back and forth about this woman ,specially sexually , i cant seem to fin anyone else, not even for sex, ,,but 8 months compared to 3 years, it kind of comforts me, because i feel so odd being like this for so long, and i am not strange to being weird, welll i wish good luck to everyone here.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am still trying to “understand” my story ... but I hope to find the me-before-the-narcissist and heal by watching your posts. I know that we can heal but the narc stays stuck.
Hey Richard, (or whomever wants to address this), why is it that some of us who have endured trauma have remained empathetic, and others join the ranks of narcissists? I’ve gone through a shitload of trauma, but hopefully have remained an empathic person. I know there is a literal schism in the brain of narcissists(?)...but why do some take one path, and others who have gone through extremely traumatic events take the other? One would think you would be into healing and compassion after such a shitty ride...
Hey Heather! Great question, I actually recently made a video on my channel where I share my take on this - “Why Describing Narcissists & Borderlines as “TOXIC” May Do More Harm Than Good.” Check it out! Would love to hear what you think.
Thank you so much for sharing this valuable and hard-earned experiential knowledge. It helps me to remember that there were things I learned; it wasn't just a waste of time. Oh my gosh. I so relate to this; particularly the bit about having to rebuild every single bit of myself. Like everything I knew, had learned, all the work I had done for the past 20 years, was dust... I was left empty inside, knowing nothing and fearing everything, doubting everything. LOL It's been three years of therapy and rebuilding, and I am still waking up to how I am not fully out of the relationship in my own mind. Still afraid of him by default, still seeing him as a man-child, even though I have seen and fully experienced the monster to the point that I left. Just bizarre.
I constantly questioned what I was seing and doubting my own beliefs its a head spinner that makes you question your own sanity it changes you in all directions of your thinking it's so deep it infects your very soul and when you awaken from the spell it is life changing and I to am in away grateful for the experience
"I was only with this girl for three years, but I was scammed out of six years of my life." Spot on. I'm still struggling. I was with him for just over a year; I felt gutted at the end; and I have no idea what or who I am. I feel like I aged ten years last year. I'm so broken. :(
Am I the only one who paused when he said 10 times in one night. 👀😅😂 😊 On that note I should have known ex Narc was in character with me when he had such a lack of interest from the get go & seemed “mechanical” in bed. 😴🙄😑Adore you Richard and thank you for sharing this deeply intimate experience in hell for us. I always wondered what the experience was of the people who help us all on here. I cracked a little joke to make you and us all smile. I certainly did NOT have that sexual experience at all. 😂 Idk what the hell I was thinking in retrospect! Lol hugs
It’s one of the most painful, lonely and cruel experiences one can ever experience. They are a sales-person and they are really good and selling you shit and getting you to believe it’s gold It’s the ultimate bait and switch scheme
The ending really resonates with me. I look at lust, love, relationships, heck even life so much differently now I'm on the other side. It's like taking rose tinted glasses off everything you thought you knew, like being unplugged. It's more complex, and in some ways painful/bitter... but it's definitely better and more clear being able to make sense of all the nonsense
This hatred and cruelty and this provoking of as much feelings from me as possible. And that "I love u" means literally nothing. Like machines. Without any morals.
Holy shit I can't even have a public comment right now explaining how much your experience is familiar to mine. Five years and all the sudden the awareness, due to yet another discard, has been crushing my soul bc it's all so clear and I can't ignore any of it now.
Mr. Grannon, this video you have shared about your own life is so so deep. Your openness and frankness has helped me understand a little more about the way I was taken from my normal everyday life and sucked into something like a wormhole, leading me to a whole other dimension. The way you described how you felt at times, and how your ex was just a ghost of a person, because she wasn't real, only made up, fit so well with how in the end, it seemed. I am doing well, since I have gone no contact (3 months now). Thank you for "being real" for us, so we can first Understand, then Have Hope (looking at how far YOU have come, and finally, take the time and have patience with ourselves as we work through the crevices of our "own house full of lice or mold"
This is so sad to hear. I went through the same symptoms. Over-eating, highly anxious, regressing back to child hood issues I was over. I got sucked back into that and I'm left feeling still so confused as to wth happened. 🤦♀️
In that same light I had to learn that shyness is something VERY different than humbleness 🙂 I aprecciate that you talk about your own blind spots as well, in a real way.
What's the #1 thing you pulled from the video?
That you survived and thrived .
... How vulnerable we all are to any form of abuse.
How knowing about cluster B or at the very least basic psychology would save a lot of people from this kind of targeted abuse. Knowledge is the power to protect yourself. There were so many parts of this where you got suckered in because you just didn't know something.
Everyone ever is a victim of something. Real or percieved. It is how we choose to react that defines us.what doesnt kill us (mentally, spiritually, emptionally) will make us a stronger us.
Everyone ever is a victim of something. Real or percieved. It is how we choose to react that defines us.what doesnt kill us (mentally, spiritually, emptionally) will make us a stronger us.
"Scammed" is how I felt too. The hardest part out of all of it for me wasn't the abuse, manipulation, etc, it was that I had loved a ghost.
Eloquently said. You took the words right out of my heart.
Exactly the same here. Its so hard realizing that I've been worried about my own sanity...
Me too
Same here.
They're emotionally unavailable
You know you're cured when you don't feel the need to watch Richards videos every day. But you probably can't get there without watching Richards videos every day.
😊😂 Its truuue! 😂
I come back to them every now and then to remind myself to never do that shit again! And also because my codependency issues are still there and he really helps with that.
I like the refreshers and the encouragement. I wouldn't say I was a co dependent anymore but I still have CPTSD. I find it very hard to trust others and also take a sharp intake of breath like gasping if anything sudden happens, like if I drop something, or a loud beeper or doorbell going off next to me and I wasn't expecting it. (had to turn that right down or I'd let out a scream.) My poor neighbours! It doesn't scare me, I'm just very vocal about it.
I would get desensitised to that if it happened to me a lot I expect though. It's strange how it's an automatic reaction over something not even scary!
I consider myself cured and very lucky to overcome the trauma but after several years something drowns me back to these videos. I reopened the case. It doesn't bring any negative emotions, that's how I know I had fully recovered. Even when I am attracting other narcissists into my life, which I quickly recognise now and just go no contact with these people, it doesn't disturb me at all. I just see it for what it is and move on. I think what brings me back to rethink narcissists, psychopaths and other personality types is that I had discovered something more about what might be the reason for their sick behaviours and manipulations.
This is a reminder that even in adulthood, parts of your innocence can be stolen, something covert narcissists do quite naturally
That's exactly how I feel. There's an added level of darkness to my life I didn't have before. It's really uncomfortable, that new knowledge. Lost innocence.
It's so heartbreaking when you realize you were conditioned to it sometimes. I didn't realize my stepfather was a covert. I got together with a malignant. My whole world turned upside down. Feels like I'm trying to heal 2 dark entities at once. 🤔😔
Melissa Miller you can heal. I’ve been participating in Richard’s courses since January. The 30 day challenge changed my life. I now journal, meditate, but the most important change has been honestly identifying & accepting emotions. All of them. I listen to my body now, it’s a miracle how in the end it does want to thrive.
That is a really good and original point.
Yes, I totally felt like I lost my innocence. I was becoming someone I didn't like!
The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing.
I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you!
Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Barryinvestigation@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me.
yes I have experienced very similar to what this video explained and you too. It is unimaginable level of manipulation and they convince you that they have to do this because they are so traumatized (by parents or someone close). So you feel it is their special fate or something they were chosen to do, so on...that is what they want you to believe, as a hero who had to go through tremendous suffering because of their parents, family, etc. Then you feel like they have a right to behave the way they do and they can get away with anything including lying endlessly and accuse you for everything even if you don't say a word that is mean or hurting. I was in a battle with this narc so when I didn't know, I used to talk back and said some mean things but after I started to realize who he was, I withdraw talking with words that are hurting and attacking. Yet, they never stop and they can just say whatever and curse you to the deepest. I have completely detected their tactics (almost) so I have zero interest in them as a partner or someone I can be close to. If I detect those traits with people, I know what to do. Run! and never ever give them any chance to abuse you.
Narcs Don't Have Relationship's They Take Prisoners . I Could relate to all you say thanks for sharing
So frustrating...when they are so charming to everyone.
Yes I agree Anneka, but if it fools others even people close to you and they don’t believe you it’s upsetting.
YES! Everyone but *me*
He saved the best acting for everyone else....I once asked him, "why do you save the best of yourself for everyone else?" He had no answer.
Yes ... the one I was dealing with I would tell, as it was true, that when nice it was not possible to meet anyone nicer. ‘But there was another side which was unbearable.’
Cliche perhaps ... but really is Jekyll and Hyde dealing with these very dangerous nuts.
Which PROVES their having Complete ability to Choose and Control their behavior.
They're just Stupidly misogynistic in thinking they can get by with Wrongs toward certain people in their lives. Note their boss is NOT one of them they would Try
You got that right.
"Namasteeeee...the F away from me". You're hilarious!! 🤣🤣🤣
Why is it the poster can say anything but commenters can get blocked typing the same word?
The predators need you to accept dichotomous thinking so their sob stories have the effect they want: to make you stop thinking of them as abusive. They can't be, because they're a victim!
But everybody know that a victim ( in another context) can be the abuser? No? Nobody have heard of the triangle Victim/abuser/helper? where everybody can change of role model if context change?
@@mireillelebeau2513 Many people haven't. For various reasons.
@Pine Trees I'm sorry you went through that. It's so manipulative. ☹️
@Pine Trees I am so sorry that you went through that $hitty, $hitty $hit!! I can empathize. Mostly, though, I thought you deserved, from one human to another: You shouldn't have gone through anything like that! I'm so sorry, you Kind Soul!
Smarty pants! 😉❤️
"Being with somebody but also feeling like they're just not there". So true, my feelings exactly! Pathognomonic for narcissists and psychopaths!
(Googles "pathognomonic")
I truly believe that only when you have been in a relationship with someone with NPD can you comprehend the experience.
It is mindfuckery you have a difficult time processing and even more difficult time trying to explain it to someone else.
Thank you for your thoughtful videos- you are helping more people than you know.❤️
Best comment ever "I truly believe that only when you have been in a relationship with someone with NPD can you comprehend the experience. It is mindfuckery you have a difficult time processing and even more difficult time trying to explain it to someone else."
You’re right. I’ve thought someone was a friend and told them what I go through only to find I’m suddenly a deluded, dishonest crybaby. If they meet my oh so sweet husband who worships the ground I walk on? Well..you know. Richard has changed my life. ❤️
Very well said!
Yeah. Can’t explain to someone else. Being preempted so you look bad when you tell the truth. I have one cousin who believes me. No sibs. Not my son. My daughter gets it, but too much damage done for us to have a loving relationship. Even my therapist of 2 1/2 years scolded me after meeting him. She believed he just wanted to make it work! Make WHAT work?! My total annihilation? Richard has made an incalculable difference in my life.
Its crazy how you feel alone after this .. . Only a few will understand … I had to stop talking to my own family bcUse I keep repeating myself . If I say one day Im fine the next they they won’t undertans why I feel so bad .. and ask me why?? Its frustration over pain and sadness .. I had to cut them out cause my head his tired
They do not know how to connect emotionally, AT ALL! Yes they DO NOT know how to love. With a narc it is all your love that keeps the relationship going. I had been with my narc husband for 32 years. I almost suicided. Jesus saved me in so many ways. I am doing amazing. Best shape of my life, full of joy. Leave the narc, follow Jesus. Thank you friend for your honesty, you are so right on!❤️
I have been with my covert narc for 34,5 years. I am getting divorced just now. Wonderful time. I am excited being away from the marriage. The greatest shift in me was made by Richard and his videos, especially video 1984 Bateson double bind. Unbelievable. Disgusting.
I know jesus saved me too we needed him so bad to protect our sanity, I came to thinking and it's why I feel I am on the way to healing that it was like rape that horrible act that became my realisation, rape of my mind body and soul trying to suck the life out of me truly a parasite. I have our lord to thank for my eyes being truly opened.
"they're just not there" no communication is ever complete. There is no couple, no "us" as a team. Vulnerable narcissism - me too for years I wanted to understand - it was like I was living with 2 different people. I got cancer over 26 years of the stress and anxiety.
Exactly, no 'us' or ' we ' always 'I' or 'my" even after 61/2 years.
totally agreed with the lack of "us" or "team'! in fact my ex made me feel like an enemy to be defeated at every turn in the relationship. she was impossible to communicate with, just as Richard said... she could never just focus on the specifics of the disagreement, everything always turned into a personal attack and her bringing up stuff from the past as well as information about me that she got out of my relatives and then twisted it to make me feel like I was somehow damaged.
@Jem your story seems so similar to mine.
-22 year relationship
-every conversation was never completed. If I tried to finish it he would say he couldn't handle it mentally or emotionally and would find different ways to exit.
-my health issues include constant back pain, anxiety, then anxiety attacks after 3 different disclosure of infidelity days however he never disclosed info. I had to find out. Daily headaches, insomnia, crippling clinical depression that required medication.
He was able to get away with it for so long because he would always bring up his abusive childhood into every discussion that then turned into a battle because he was always defensive.
The final thing he said to me that broke the trauma bond is: why do you keep trying to have serious conversations with me. I don't want to talk to you about anything unless it's about random topics or current music artists or cars.
I realized after 20 years he only wanted a woman to be quiet unless he introduced meaningless topics to talk about. He didn't want a partner with her own ideas, agendas, or plans. I'm a teacher so my every day is all about this. Now he said this to me before yet not so bluntly with words. Like if I brought up home repairs so we could put our house on the market he would say fine wouldn't do them and then months later would walk out because I was being a nag to a man who was just trying feed him family. This is was a bunch a crap we were never struggling financially.
@@kaylees1072 Maddening, isn’t it? I hope you are healing now. My ex moved on to live w a trauma nurse who is well to do. How is that for irony? He gets away w so much. Charms, knows how to pick a woman who can care take etc. It has taken me years to let go of my resentment and grief over lost years. Getting there.
@@kaylees1072 this is word for word how a woman was to me.
My God you described my life perfectly. I'm completely broken at end 9 years of this. Just hearing one person understand to describe me my life was divine Universe. Thank you Richard. 🙏
16 years with the narc. 20 years to recoup. I did my time.
My kind, loving heart is still intact. Moving on to sharing that gift with other worthy people. Thanks for your videos, Richard.
I’m 8 months no contact, but the hostage taking trauma bond was so powerful it took a huge toll on my health and my confidence, and frankly I was crushed by the indifference and the cruelty of the narco path. Therapy and detoxing has helped me overcome the damage inflicted by the dark triad narc. Happier, stronger and narc free is the only way to be. 👏🙏❤️
Wanda Jane i’m only four months and no contact but our stories sound very similar. I’m glad to see you were doing well and congratulations.
Megan Basile It is important that we move on from them. We must love ourselves, as we are worthy. All the best in your recovery. 🙏❤️👏
The reconstruction of the self and your life really hits the mark. It takes so much effort and so much time and who comes out the other end of the recovery is a very different person.
It feels like I'm sitting talking with a close friend, when Richard speaks. It really takes an incredibly warm and genuine human, to come across the screen that way. Thank you so very much for all you do!
This is exactly what I went and am going thru. One thing that I feel helps me out ( from being such a sucker) is that I did not see nor understand what the hell was going on and who could be like this. And this is why. Its because I am a healthy person and I don't understand unhealthy. Its only going thru this that I realize that there are some messed up people. I don't think I would change a thing, going thru this has given me a opportunity for person growth. It's showing me exactly my character , its like you said making me stronger
Really good points. I never felt so good about myself, my own value, my instincts as I do after 27 yrs of tangling with narcissism. After that marriage and realizing my mother was one, as well, I am over the moon gratified that I am still intact. Not long ago, I was like walking dead. Now I am someone I love. Basking in that sh!t
Agree, I feel the same
As usual I really feel so much resonance with your experiences. And I too went through 2 narc relationships, not 1, but 2 of the goddamn things before I "woke up" from what was happening. I thought to myself "this is sooooo weird! I'm such a good person, honest, kind, loving, empathic, supportive, appreciative, humble, resourceful, self-sufficient, organised, high-functioning, no debt, no addictions, great job, etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah".
And then I googled "Domestic Abuse" because I was sure that's what I'd experienced, because there was: the reeling-in where they'd pursued me for months with "love-bombing" and begging for me to give them a chance because they were "different", the flowers and gifts, and always wanting to rush to the next level; then once they had me, they isolated, forced big investments both emotionally, financially, then came the put-downs, devaluing, gaslighting, future faking, promises that were never kept; then came the all-out verbal and psychological abuse when I expected anything in return or promises to be fulfilled, which led to yelling, screaming, name calling, using my childhood against me, right through to physical violence, doors being barricaded when I'd try to leave, threats to destroy me financially, to destroy my career... and what was worse was I didn't even know how to fight back because I'd grown-up with just my mum (my dad died when I was young - and these creeps would even use that against me!) and we were very close and supportive of one another and mum and I never fought, she was so supportive and loving, compassionate to everyone not just me ---- so that was my model for how to treat others and how I expected to be treated in return. I got out into "the real world" only to discover that's not how people treated one another at all! Doubly shocking because I'd been a straight-A student and highly regarded in my home town, so people treated me really nicely especially knowing the childhood trauma I'd experienced, so I was wrapped-up in cotton wool by anyone that knew me because they'd seen how despite my hardships I never let it hold me back and chose to use it to excel.
But meet a narc and they don't care about your past, what you overcame, your achievements, your goals and dreams --- nope, no siree, it's all about the narc now and what you can do for them! Veer from the path they've chosen for you and it will be all-out war - you're going to pay!
Both narcs had "mummy issues" for sure, and they were looking for a "mummy replacement" --- the creepy weird relationships they had with their own mothers should have been the red flags from the outset --- both mothers saw their sons as "gods" yet infantilized them - now that is super weird stuff!
What hit home for me was when you shared the begging for scraps as if they were the best thing ever.
The lights are on but no ones home...... even after the relationship that haunting feeling will remain so do not stay stuck in the relationship in hopes of resolving this in your mind. It’s always gonna be creepy.
Elka Roth,You look cute 🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
im so glad you are here to put these experiences online so that we all know we are not alone and that though this happens we can fight to get through it. I recommend jiu jitsu to anyone that has experienced this awful abuse in order to move on with life. Much love
I replayed this 5 times. Scrolling through all old photos, deleting them one by one. Richards words, filling in the blanks of the past, FINALLY seeing the 🔥🚩BURNING RED FLAGS 🔥🚩
what a mess.
Thank God im still breathing and free from this nightmare.
That was my ex...I could never properly communicate with him, he was an extremely charming facade and control freak and incapable of vulnerability..took me mostly 3 years to recover also, even longer.
Disney programming has a part to play by showing an idealised version of women and reality and this sets you up later on.
That's interesting, and probably true...
The 'Disney-esque' fairytale fantasy story and expectation is something I have experienced. Woe betide anyone that doesn't follow the script....
Don't forget about Prince Charming! Took me forever to realize there's no such thing.☹️
One reason I dislike Disney.
@Vanessa Poss I believe you are right on. I've noticed both Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast are about narcissistic relationships. Snow White is scyzophrenic, with her multiple personalities..,.ie the 7 dwarphs! There are so many double meanings in all their movies, not just cute fairy tales.
8 years with my covert and 3 years later still recovering such a long process 🙁
Having children with him is definitely delaying my healing as I need to deal with him regularly but thank you Richard you have been instrumental in getting me this far!
Narcissism: if you don't get given, you learn to take.
Gross.
INA nutshell
Well put.
I think there is a saying that says “ What doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger”! Enjoyed your video. Thank you!
Great video. I challenge the "I really loved her" concept. Codependents are no more capable of authentic love than narcissists. It feels like real love but really it is just acting out a role, that was formed in childhood out of pure survival. When a codependent meets a narcissist it is just triggering the familiar childhood experience of trying to love a narcissistic parent out of a survival instinct. When I finally reached a certain point in my recovery I was able to see that I never loved my narcissistic ex either, even though I really thought I did.
You really hit me hard on this part. I am always so devastated that I loved him so much. Now came to think, well no, I didn’t .
I enjoyed watching this as I've just had a 4 year relationship with a CN (just after a 20 year relationship with a sociopath). I particularly liked the bit when you were comparing 2 ex girlfriends. When you described the covert as " just not there" I nodded in agreement as it's hard to put into words what they're like. However, I think I differ from your outcome though because I'm completely broken now. Unfixable. Don't want to be fixed because I never want to be fooled again.
I actually knew about narcissism when I met him and sort of knew that he wasn't "real" in the first few days. However, he made himself so irresistible to me! The sex was wonderful, he fixed everything around my house and took me out to the theatre, meals etc etc. I was hooked and now....and now that he's discarded me a few hours after my mum died and 6 days before xmas.....well...I should've spent the last 4 years looking for a real companion and not a shiny new robot.
I hate that I needed this blinding reminder today.... But I am grateful for you and what you do. Big hugs🤗
I am trying to stay no contact but it is hard. I feel better when I don't have to think of his lies, etc, etc, etc. But I suppose it is better to deal with it than become bitter & hateful yourself! Thank you for constantly reliving your torture to help us. Thank you 😊
I do rather say sir, I like your hair in this video
Yes, I would like to run my fingers through it. I apologize Richard. I do respect you very much. 🤗
@@cathybutcher4826 you could be his hairdresser. That way it will all be above board. Tee hee.
Same 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
Thank you for sharing Richard. A 18 month relationship has cost be 5 years of my life and I’m still struggling. It may of cost me the chance to have a family. When you are hitting they last years of your fertility as a woman you become extremely vulnerable... I am working through your material and finding it very insightful and encouraging.... I remember in the early days of the relationship when things weren’t right at all and I was so confused, I watched some of your videos ... more NLP related and I feel you have really grown in the understanding of abuse and life and you truly are a master communicator... sending you gratitude🙏🙏🙏
Wow, this is truly a great video of so many issues in these relations that the person is further traumatized and used.. narcissistic people at younger ages don’t even see or know what they are doing, but their selfishness is visible. You gotta fit into their life and plans
Tell you what you though, once you've done your breaking down and got your realisations, you are on your way to strength. And not just romance, a friend continuously wanting to use me as a wank tool for her self pity and me being receptive, day after day, wtf. I realised it and told her (directly but not rejectingly) that I wouldn't do it anymore. She adjusted. So, a boundary to breach, identifying this, communicating it & allowing the person to correct (although I've stayed with those who didn't in the past even after communicating it). Respect for yourself. I wouldn't have told her at all before, I would've probably let it build up untill blow out, and would've held it against her and said I was the wronged one. Now, I'm communicating. Healthy.
Yana Moore you go, girl! Stake your claim on your right to live your best life like the narc literate bad ass that you are!
For someone who doesn't have a formal education and professional training as a mental health professional, you do a great job articulating your experience and sharing what you've learned from it and since then.
It IS tough, it IS possible to heal. And become stronger on the other side. The supportive nature of professionals and survivors like Richard can and have been paramount in this process for me. I can't thank you enough. Nama(don't)stay the eff away! 🙏
Yes, I have found myself in this loop - they are legitimately a victim and a narcissist. Coverts can really fit in here & they have a great sob story to use when they spin their web, and it's a true story. Tricky tricky.
I totally agree. The sob stories were genuine, but there was no room for me to express my own cptsd within that relationship. He took up all the air
@Tarot for Lovers and Significant Others beautifully said.
@@shannonsmulian5005 you are going to have to accept the consequences for the rest of your life and I don't want to be a part of this
Narcs are a sob story. It is sad that they were ever born.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head. After a 20 year relationship on and off with a covert narcissist who I had to work with on a daily basis. This is all true and very hard to get over. It's rooted in your mind and body and cause me ptsd. But, after leaving work I'm much better with my anxiety and depression. Thanks for the great video..
U bet you are
Wow. So much to process as I’m sitting here nodding my head “me too”. Thank you for making it “real world” and not using a white board to explain it. Definitely watching this over and over! Thank you for opening up about something obviously painful. It helped me.
Thanks for being vulnerable enough for me to relate...I feel normal, as normal as one can be living with a narc...living the rollercoaster ride I called my marriage. Fighting to become healthy...physically, mentally & emotionally...struggling with my "love" for him...scared of returning just so I don't have to feel the way I do now...8days fresh out of the fire, yet still burning from the flames.
Unfortunately I definitely feel you. That girl messed with my head for years.
Thank you, so very useful. Especially the part where you explain how she split herself, on one hand giving as little as possible to keep the relationship going, on the other knowing this is all an act and her real self has no emotion or investment in it at all.
Haven't watched you in so long because I had to step out of the N bubble and move on with my life. Just wanted to say you are looking great your eyes are sparkling.
You described the 4 yr relationship and marriage to my ex perfectly. (Met ALL the indicators of a covert N and boarder line.) I had never heard of such a person or believed anyone was capable of such a farce and cruelty. I had never loved so deeply only to come to realize that “I was in-love with a ghost”. It was a complete mind-f*ck. It made me emotionally numb to the thought of romantic love.
“Only with her for 3 years, but you were scammed out of 6 years”. That hit…
Richard and Prof Sam Vaknin are two angels here to enlighten the world!
You broke me.
And I can only thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Richard I am so proud of you 👍🏻 you have always been a light of understanding and clarity for those making progress and better decisions moving forward. Thank you for being you. I am learning so much life saving tools to navigate life .
"I love you" was used as a balm to quiet my expressing my emotional needs.
yes this is exactly what i experienced fro my narc it is very painful and im still in the recovery phase, only 5 months in and ive gone to therapy, i already know about the trauma and the spiritual understanding of life. it brought up my own attachment trauma with my mum, the anxiety of this experience is going all the way back to all y relationships with all the women ive had relationships. what you are saying is so truthful. the negative self talk and beliefs that you hold about your self. its so painful.
i was able to understand the process and see the projection that she engendered and gave her back the shit she gave me, it is still painful and its so sad, the love is there from myself but like you said its a sham and lie. i glad that you shared what you have. i will contact you as well
You are very different today and better. Much deeper and honest.
You are very littérate about it brother, and having litterally lived the same situation you expose here with the same type of individual. It was like "okay you really want to play this stupid love game lets go in your own dream field", using your hopes you deep wishes and wounds to play with you while you doing exactly the same with her in an attempt to build and heal together. "ok you really want to play this spicy push pull games, i will give you so much goodness that you will surrender." Fairly tough back then, been through the rabbit hole, touched the bottom, went into complete darkness and restarted again. I sympathize a lot while realising you are one of the few who knows what living with a psychopath goal oriented cold blooded person is like. (Said away from any reactive blameful bs). I thought i had enough expérience to deal with it and expose the stupidity of that coping strategy to her using all of the tools a codependent healer can think of. Its shaky to go back there w you in a short video. It seems you are back more balanced and grounded than ever. Keep on the good work.
PTSD doesn't really have to be caused by 'extreme' events. The result is more relevant. New to the channel, wowsers thanks!
You are so amazing. Thank you for your awareness and speaking out on this subject! You have helped us so much :)
Appreciate your depth and honesty 👍
Jackie Kay,You are beautiful 🌷,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
I'm so grateful to you for sharing this information, it means the world to me. In the times of darkness and utter despair, you are a ray of light of hope.
Yes 5 yrs he .e gently a used me horrible names I wish I would of had A tape recorder I winwood of showed it to my friends to hear they would of been amazed and surprised but I think they believe me now 1 week now spso peaceful now thank god love your video no s teaming anymore he would talk to the TV too nuts love ya k m
Been shocked to hear it hes also threating to hurtmy friends too km
I have just come out of a relationship with a covert narcissist. I have been left questioning so much about life. I also fear at this stage, that my heart is no longer as open and full of love, in the way that it had always been. I am a counsellor, a humanitarian and a deeply compassionate soul. These videos from Richard have been a life saver, mentally. I certainly believe I am coming out of this stronger, but question my ability to love in the way I have previously.
No one has ever summed up my own experiences before
There's always a positive out of everything if you look for it and if you can also gain understanding of what you were/are dealing with. Not all my experiences were good, far from it, being the scapegoat was beyond horrible but it gave me a strength I wouldn't have had without it. I became desensitised to hurtful words, character assassinations and the fear of being hit. I was around 13 the first time I was punched full on in the face by a lad much bigger than me. It didn't hurt at the time, I didn't even feel it, all I wondered was, why is the world suddenly going backwards!
After a lot of abuse in my life it had made me totally reject myself for many years, this wasn't obvious to everyone by my exterior but it's how I felt inside and I know it showed to some people. I also had my back broken after standing up to someone and it made me learn to calm down in reacting to bullies face on. What I did in return of his bullying did not justify what happened to me at all, he was way over the top but I learned walking away is far better as it takes more strength to do that than to be impulsive. I forgave the person who did that to me and he 'respected' (I use that term lightly) me after.
I used to be so angry and upset at the abuse I'd suffered but it didn't really show most of the time, I buried it. I always preferred and still do, loving people but anger popped/pops out from time to time under severely extenuating circumstances. Righteous anger is a good thing. Being broken physically beyond repair enforced me to lay down a lot, (I didn't have much choice) and learn, learn, learn from channels such as these online. My good God whom I love and who I give all the credit to for renewing my mind has changed me immensely. (I still stand up to bullies, although in a different way, I respond more than react.) I am still a work in progress but I am on my way.
I was amazed to learn that after loving one person with narcissistic traits when I got older is it's like falling in love with yourself for the first time as they mirror you.
These were and are some of my blessings. Now I can look back and be grateful for those lessons! It's all character building stuff and it all happens for a reason :)
God bless you🙏
@@susanthomas9610 God bless you too! Wow, I wrote a lot there, I had forgotten about this!
Sorry you went through that man but I am so over these people
“Strike me down lord Vader, and I shall become more powerful than you could ever know.” 🤣 Right!? Damn this is such a good video. I’ll watch this multiple times.
You are describing exactly what I went through with an ex gf. It was horrible and she loved to play victim
Covert ducker ... I got same one lol
Thank you! I just went through this with a guy. This is the most educational and insightful video out there.
I possess these traits too but I want to heal, recover, and not be a narc. but rather recovering from CPTSD.
I didn't sleep with him-yay!
This was literally bone chilling for me. I felt like you explained my exact experience with my very recent ex covert Narc. I am convinced finally after 5 years that he is truly evil. You used all the same words and all the same feelings I would used to describe this horrific nightmare. I knew early on that there was something very wrong but was indirectly and systematically (as you said) being convinced I was crazy. It is scary to think about the road to recovery I have ahead of me but I have been in counseling on and off for 2 years through it and am persistent as hell. I am committed to finding my true self and becoming like a Jedi at warding off these archons. Thank you!!!
Sir, what you describe is exactly what my daughter is living through. Her husband retired out of the military after being in the Special Forces. He does things to deliberately hurt her, like shooting pigs they were growing on thier farm where he stood by and let her find them as she screamed he said do you want to save the meat of your favorite pig. He walks around like motionles he says I love you to her but it seems forced. Thats just part of it. Im terrified for her because not only is she living in this hell she's 5 months pregnant and wants her baby to have both a mom and dad. Just pray for our family!
Liz Roberg,She deserves better 🙏
Thank you so much I have been getting over this for the past 7 months and dealt with said person for nearly 2 years
Thanks for sharing that with us Richard. I often wonder does the words, I love you, simply mean I want you to love me because I am an empty vessel who needs that very special emotional filling, even though I leak and may never be able to equally return your unique love?
It’s the ‘Cluster B, it’s all about me’ behaviour. You sense this person does not have your back. A baby/young child can even sense that cold void inside them.
I'm facing what you faced. It peels one like an orange. You're never the same but you're crystal clear about your boundaries.
I love the way you describe the recovery process. Now I know why I had to meet the Narc and had to go through all this pain. I needed a complete cleaning and Redefinition of who I am That’s really cool With God’s help I got out of there. I’m so grateful .
What you say at around 24 minutes, around shame and being 'disgustingly grateful': OMG, this is on point. Well done for this video.
I am grateful for truth. Wow. Everything you have shared is real. Thanks for youre truth. My take away. My relationship has been not real. It was all a fantasy. I am so awake that I am ready to take on understanding the cpmlexies of what I have been thinking was real, its all a fabricated lie. I bought the lie and forgive myself, I am going to focus on healing. Just blows my thinking. Its real, now i am going to focus on acceptance, I am accepting, no contact. What happened, say, yes this has happened. Its the extreme. Violent, threatening and so abusive and its now affecting my well-being so making a stand for me. I care about my life., I am assessing me and setting my self up for staying on tune to embrace my values and let go of a relationship that has not, is not, and will not every bring me joy. I choose joy over unhappiness. Thank you for sharing youre experiences as I have watched many as I am processing this abusive relationship I have been in. I realize I have be lured in my own mind that this ghost loved me. What a nightmare it has been. I am thankful for waking up.
12:35 this I can relate so much. I became permanently stressed, flatbreathing, sleeping HORRIBLY and waking up WASTED from sleep, unable to get up due to skyrocketing cortisol levels. I became negative, moody, overly critical of everyone and discontent with everything in my life. And when she abused me emotionally with her pointless accusations which she pulled out of thin air, it was impossible to talk rationally with her - which drove me so nuts that after staying calm for hours and she keeping on beating me up like that, I started hitting my own head painfully.
It was horrible. And yet I sometimes find myself forgetting all of this and wishing to be back with her. I will work myself through this and heal. But it is very painful.
Here's where I am at with this. I am in the exact situation he speaks of. 14 years with this monster . She hides her ugly to the outside world and is trying to get me to move away from my home and pay the mortgage , which I have been doing to keep from being yelled at. My mom died 1 year ago today and she wouldn't help me bury my mom. And I still let her stay,im not married. I listen to the words said and I can feel that same pain he felt. Some days I can't even stand up because of the shit she has put me through. I look for strength to help me get away from here. Sorry to vent. God bless . Hoping to find a good support group to join in Orlando FL. I'm 53. Sad
Thank you! Video content was great! I have been married 6yrs to a covert narcissist. I've been awoken to her "behavior" as a narcissist for about a month as I keep gaining more and more knowledge about what I've been experiencing.
Spot on Richard and thank you for sharing your story.
Scammed.
The perfect word for what covert partners do in relationships.
Man, i have watched so many videos, been alone so many hours, this last time with a covert for 2 years, healing for 8 months ,but this is not my first ride; i have learned a lot, including the part that we need to adress our issues, and not fall into victim mentality even more, whatever,, ts the 5 th time +- that i watch this one, and when you said it took you 3 years it was nice because i m still crazy back and forth about this woman ,specially sexually , i cant seem to fin anyone else, not even for sex, ,,but 8 months compared to 3 years, it kind of comforts me, because i feel so odd being like this for so long, and i am not strange to being weird, welll i wish good luck to everyone here.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am still trying to “understand” my story ... but I hope to find the me-before-the-narcissist and heal by watching your posts. I know that we can heal but the narc stays stuck.
Hey Richard, (or whomever wants to address this), why is it that some of us who have endured trauma have remained empathetic, and others join the ranks of narcissists? I’ve gone through a shitload of trauma, but hopefully have remained an empathic person. I know there is a literal schism in the brain of narcissists(?)...but why do some take one path, and others who have gone through extremely traumatic events take the other? One would think you would be into healing and compassion after such a shitty ride...
Hi he has a video on that it's a lecture in front of a dry erase board w audience. I think in cali? Cant remember the name but I'll look.
I wonder the same thing
Hey Heather! Great question, I actually recently made a video on my channel where I share my take on this - “Why Describing Narcissists & Borderlines as “TOXIC” May Do More Harm Than Good.” Check it out! Would love to hear what you think.
Great, great point on allowing you to be 1/2 a slave, because you are cooperative of their momentary niceness
Thank you so much for sharing this valuable and hard-earned experiential knowledge. It helps me to remember that there were things I learned; it wasn't just a waste of time. Oh my gosh. I so relate to this; particularly the bit about having to rebuild every single bit of myself. Like everything I knew, had learned, all the work I had done for the past 20 years, was dust... I was left empty inside, knowing nothing and fearing everything, doubting everything. LOL It's been three years of therapy and rebuilding, and I am still waking up to how I am not fully out of the relationship in my own mind. Still afraid of him by default, still seeing him as a man-child, even though I have seen and fully experienced the monster to the point that I left. Just bizarre.
I constantly questioned what I was seing and doubting my own beliefs its a head spinner that makes you question your own sanity it changes you in all directions of your thinking it's so deep it infects your very soul and when you awaken from the spell it is life changing and I to am in away grateful for the experience
Your honesty is precious and healing.
I was 100% vulnerable and resourceful, i was 100% catnip to a psychopath who stripped me and his own child 😮
"I was only with this girl for three years, but I was scammed out of six years of my life." Spot on. I'm still struggling. I was with him for just over a year; I felt gutted at the end; and I have no idea what or who I am. I feel like I aged ten years last year. I'm so broken. :(
Am I the only one who paused when he said 10 times in one night. 👀😅😂 😊 On that note I should have known ex Narc was in character with me when he had such a lack of interest from the get go & seemed “mechanical” in bed. 😴🙄😑Adore you Richard and thank you for sharing this deeply intimate experience in hell for us. I always wondered what the experience was of the people who help us all on here. I cracked a little joke to make you and us all smile. I certainly did NOT have that sexual experience at all. 😂 Idk what the hell I was thinking in retrospect! Lol hugs
It’s one of the most painful, lonely and cruel experiences one can ever experience. They are a sales-person and they are really good and selling you shit and getting you to believe it’s gold
It’s the ultimate bait and switch scheme
So relatable thank you so very much for your help you really have helped me, following my 9 year marriage with a true narcissist 😢
I really thought firstly I am not Ok. That was this driving insane, gaslighting .My anxiety was huge. !!! Eating disorder,-ate lot and could not stop.
Karina Godzina,You are beautiful 🌷,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
The ending really resonates with me. I look at lust, love, relationships, heck even life so much differently now I'm on the other side. It's like taking rose tinted glasses off everything you thought you knew, like being unplugged. It's more complex, and in some ways painful/bitter... but it's definitely better and more clear being able to make sense of all the nonsense
This happened to me with someone I did not even care about. The Ego wound about killed, my soul.
Thank you for all of these. New ones too. I am in the process of leaving and it has made a big difference. Thank you for all the honesty.
This hatred and cruelty and this provoking of as much feelings from me as possible. And that "I love u" means literally nothing. Like machines. Without any morals.
Well 10 times in one night? Richard...What? Did you take! ;) Never in my life! Lol
Celia verdinho,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
Holy shit I can't even have a public comment right now explaining how much your experience is familiar to mine. Five years and all the sudden the awareness, due to yet another discard, has been crushing my soul bc it's all so clear and I can't ignore any of it now.
Mr. Grannon, this video you have shared about your own life is so so deep. Your openness and frankness has helped me understand a little more about the way I was taken from my normal everyday life and sucked into something like a wormhole, leading me to a whole other dimension. The way you described how you felt at times, and how your ex was just a ghost of a person, because she wasn't real, only made up, fit so well with how in the end, it seemed. I am doing well, since I have gone no contact (3 months now). Thank you for "being real" for us, so we can first Understand, then Have Hope (looking at how far YOU have come, and finally, take the time and have patience with ourselves as we work through the crevices of our "own house full of lice or mold"
This is so sad to hear. I went through the same symptoms. Over-eating, highly anxious, regressing back to child hood issues I was over. I got sucked back into that and I'm left feeling still so confused as to wth happened. 🤦♀️
In that same light I had to learn that shyness is something VERY different than humbleness 🙂
I aprecciate that you talk about your own blind spots as well, in a real way.
Exactly!!!
Someone's not home
But the light are on