People who pay their own rent don't have to participate in group fantasies. Sometimes I wonder if all this buying up of the housing market is an attempt to force an entire generation into living with their parents so they can't rebel.
Meanwhile other therapists who have no idea what they are talking about and are just zoning out the entire session and don't care: * "The common denominator is YOU" and other victim blaming gaslighting bullshit. * Thank you for sharing your story. All I've ever encountered was other people trying to negate and invalidate my own similar healing processes as a victim of social ostracism and child abuse growing up and into adulthood until I could get away from that town for good.
I always thought they were patronising me Pygmalion style, you know, telling me how to be a lady. Like if I was just polite and kind people will like me and treat me with respect. I would resent that because I am nice and people take me for an idiot. Now I know that the only thing they care about is how they're going to get through the session with me. How I can make it as bareble as possible for THEM.
I saw a meme once that said it great, it had Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, and it said how none of his friends ever put him down for being negative or told him to "stop being so sad" or ostracized him. They all treated him like any other friend and allowed him to simply be, and be with them.
My brother actually told me that he couldn't be around me or talk to me anymore because I was too negative. Mind you, he's jobless, a drop out, and a pot head that depends on his wife to provide. At the time I recently lost my job and was needing to speak to someone because I had bills to pay. All for him to call me negative and say he can't be around me.
We need to realize that suffering is a guide. Some of the most powerful healers have suffered tremendously. Its through ones suffering that one seeks the truth.
This is possibly the most important video I’ve ever seen in my life! We are all just surrounded by platitudes that, basically, disallow our anger and pain and tell us to “think positively.” I’ve always known and felt that this is a lack of understanding and empathy!
Yes! Have you also been struggling to find ground in this? I often felt that I KNOW the falsity of perhaps more than 90% of people's positivity, but still been doubting myself and so many many times fell down in the pit of believing I am irrevocably disturbed because I am not enjoying positivity. But when I am on stable ground in this, I KNOW I enjoy authentic positivity both within and without. But such positivity is seldom ecplicit, just a kind of 'scent' around a person who is authentic with life's questions.
@@M-i-k-a-e-l It’s so sad that most ‘positivity’ is a form of denial. I gave up making a list of the forms of denial - I would’ve had to write a book :) That does not mean that there is not ANY true reason to be positive at times! Enjoy life, as best you can! As Daniel said, “I am not a nihilist!” :)
This is why the "TOXIC POSITIVITY" term is finally steaming ahead in Western Society very recently. Thank God! (It's about time that advice to the contrary was called out this way!!)
Conscious suffering sucks, but I'll take that any day over unconscious suffering! Being haunted by pain that I tried and had to conceal left me so empty, I am so glad to not be in that state anymore.
yeah. my conscious suffering is driving me nuts in a different way, but if i still felt the same severity of emotions that i did from childhood through adolescence, idk. i'd be FUCKED up
Maybe there is more chance of healing - and growth - with conscious suffering, painful as it is. You are able to release other energies and powers with conscious suffering. It is painful though, no picnic either. One must, I think, also take self-care breaks and look after and love oneself in the meantimes to be able to realise this and not go under.
All feelings are vaild, despite what the contemporary society wants us to believe. Feelings are messengers from the core of our being. _Don't shoot the messengers._
Yes, feelings in reference to their roots are valid. Feelings trumped up by false pretense and self/other deception aren't. Yes, one may have anger or rage rooted in abusive traumatic events and that's valid. No, fanning the flames of that anger and turning it on scapegoats is not.
@@Kimoto504 That is why the root causes of feelings should be routinely explored. Most people have very low emotional intelligence, unfortunately. It's not taught in schools.
Yes, my narcissistic mother would never accept any deeper discussion that touched on weakness or hurt or dissatisfaction or anything honest really because, as you say, these are feelings that she rejected to feel. If you cannot experience these feelings, you do not really have access to your true self, and it’s harder to know who you are, to know what you want, or how to to go about getting it.
I really despise the cult of toxic positivity, the " good vibes only " group. I believe it isolates many . I also believe that those who insist on being surrounded by " good vibes only " are weak and dependant and draining others.
I worked with a young man who told me “I’m so angry I can’t move forward with my career” then he corrected himself “I’m sorry, my psychologist told me not to be angry. She said I should say that it’s unfortunate but I need to accept it” I told him “But those are your words and feelings, go off if you need to” He had a hint of glee in his eye and kept going on his angry rant that involved swearing and raised voice, nothing aggressive towards me. Afterwards he thanked me. And an added bonus - as he was angry ranting he actually came up with some solutions that I encouraged him to pursue between sessions. Expressing anger is great, if you can find someone who is strong enough to withstand the outburst and find the meaning underneath it. In the past I found client outbursts incredibly uncomfortable, but I worked with my own therapist to identify why I feel distressed. Now I’m better able to stay calm but alert in situations when clients are expressing healthy anger and frustration without trying to calm or redirect them.
pete walker talks about this in his C-PTSD book. My understanding from the book is that it is good to rant and verbally ventilate out loud. This is because that the left and right brain hemispheres is integrated somehow and start to function correctly together. Emotion+thinking is supposed to be integrated and for that you need to go back and forth between them or so i understand. This understanding is starting to take away my shame of venting emotions, especially anger. I always feel better the more i do it unless i get shamed or discouraged from it obviously. I also tend to come up with VALID solutions or explanations as to why i am angry and i can feel the emotion deeper and eventually it shifts to something else. Need to do a lot of repetition however until certain things lose their grip.
My therapist has let me essentially rant for the last two sessions. He encouraged me not to hold back. I was also just going through my life to explain why I was there in the first place, but clearly it had been festering away under there and it all just came out in a flood, which included some very angry rants 😅 but it really helped, I feel better just having been able to get it all out safely to someone else feels like a relief in a way. And not feeling judged or like I have to justify myself for everything has been fantastic. I'm really grateful that I have a good therapist.
It’s actually necessary to be ‘negative’ sometimes as we are made up of positive and negative and I don’t like to even refer to any emotion as negative as they are all just human! They all carry some kind of wisdom and message for us to navigate our lives. Humans have a strong negativity bias and that’s an ancient survival Mechanism. We’ve been taught to shame ourselves and each other for this and I believe religious people brainwashed us so we wouldn’t question their bs or the abuse that’s been handed down for centuries
6:54 I see where you're coming from. I was someone who used to be quick to follow others to satiate the need to belong. I discovered that everyone is on their own unique paths. If we blindly follow others without having an awareness of self and the various social games we humans play within ourselves and with one another, we quickly become thrown adrift and wildly deceived. Of which would take many years to heal, recover, and reform from such instances. While those modalities have their places, let the emphasis be on self care and teaching ourselves and our children emotional preventative care measures. So that we can prevent "needless healing and therapy," and unknowingly aid in the misdirection of healing energy by those who practice the healing arts. It's best to learn and master yourself before pursuing a partner, money, power, etc. Otherwise, the items mentioned above becomes routes of escape rather than tools of blessing to the lives of others and yourself. Thank you very much.
Abusive people hate on the emotions of other people in fact they specifically fear emotions and if they are parents they absolutely can't teach you how to deal with having emotions. Wounded people wound people
Don’t ignore anger, but don’t embrace it long term. Feel it because it is real, justified. Breath it for as long as it takes, then let it lift away, leaving you in peace.
I think this video is right on the money. I hear a lot of people saying don't be "bitter" or "resentful". I have even heard a leader say "you can be bitter or you can be great". Its harmful because it doesn't let people feel their rage, resentment, and bitterness. So you just live with it buried. When you bring up these resentments or anger to other people, they then are not able to handle it, so I can only talk with them about "positive" things. Conversations never get real, and you are left by yourself in an abyss to process your anger. I think people say don't be bitter or resentful because maybe they have seen these kinds of people take out their rage on others and think bitterness is the problem. We lack a nuanced view of things.
Yeah, it's very lonely when pretty much no one in your circle understands that going through all of this crap can lead to something good or even what it is really about, and so your best strategy is just sitting with it alone, journaling, listening to kind strangers on the internet, or, perhaps, if you're really lucky, some good therapy. It really would be easier to do this if more people were healthy enough to understand this.
I’ve noticed this too - people tell you to disown your authentic feelings like anger and resent because they’re wrong. They see it as “what feeling is right and what feeling is wrong” vs “this feeling is authentic of this person. I should look into it”. I think they tell you to not be angry or bitter, because they can’t deal with it. And instead of them being honest about their inability to deal with your anger/bitterness, they instead get you to disown/outsource what you’re going through. It’s just baffling to me. Unaware and clueless people will be unaware and clueless about you but also about themselves too, I guess. It’s very frustrating. I’ve noticed that positivity is a convenient defense (in my experience, mostly with men) who don’t know how to ask. They don’t know how to ask for deeper clarification, whether it’s asking you why you’re angry or whether it’s them asking for help on getting deeper clarification. Instead they deflect and make it about being positive. I don’t know why these people don’t just up and move to live in Disneyland then. They have no business being in the real world with that “everything is fine/it’ll be fine” when it’s not attitude. It pays to be real, even if it’s uncomfortable. The truth is always in the reality of our experience, even if no one else can see it. When people summon the courage to act on the truth of their reality, the results are more long lasting and the reward is tenfold. But more importantly, life then feels like it’s truly yours only because you acted on your truth. You’re not just a bystander or a pawn anymore.
@@user-mg9hi5ln8n what you’re describing is detachment and one can learn to be detached once they validate their own feelings about something. If someone is habitually taking their hatred out on you, you are allowed to feel anger and bitter - it’s a natural (and even healthy response). If you’re able to privately make room for your anger/bitterness (that is, if you allow to fully feel these feelings in a private space) and if don’t judge yourself, the detachment is a natural byproduct. Eventually others’ actions won’t trigger you because YOU feel heard and seen on the inside. But it’ll take a lot of selfwork to not be affected by the action of others. We have gone through life not having this “space” created for us, so it takes some repeated and constant practice. Slowly but surely, a lot of the outside world will not bother you in the same way (their actions toward you may not change, but you will have developed strong internal boundaries to no longer internalize their actions toward you).
@@PreYeahhonestly don't believe into this crap lol. I don't think and wish that people are detached from others actions, it would mean the end of humanity. Humans are social species and we all react to stuff constantly but still yeah it's important to have some personal boundaries to avoid to be totally consumed by something someone inflicted to you
Some people are stuck in the negativity and bitterness, because they have no tools or the right environment to process their hurts. But even this isn't a place to criticise them or tell them to "get over it and be positive". I have relatives, themselves broken and stuck, yet their style of coping with it is different than what it was for my mum; my mum was this "negative and bitter" person, so full of grief, pain, unresolved trauma, she was stuck and unable to move forward. But then some other relatives of mine use a coping mechanism of brushing everything negative off, putting on a positive front, in effect denying and suppressing their true feelings, and they felt that my mum's coping style was unbearable and intolerable, although it was basically the same thing, just a different style, different way of coping with the same or similar pain.
@ruthm1384 - what you’re describing is very profound. And I still am and will be more inclined to trust the people who are angry and bitter. Anger sits on the surface and is easier to unearth. I think such people who are angry and bitter are doing right by themselves by still holding onto the truth of the injustice of their experience. I’d take them any day than these toxic-positive people. They’re the ones who have disowned and discarded their anger, and thus live in denial. These people are harder to reach but also much more averse to change because they’ve already ingested the toxicity of their so-called happiness/positivity.
It's a superpower to be able to sit with uncomfortable feelings without a crutch, hence why there's a status attached to monks and nuns who cloister as well as a well founded fear of prison punishments of solo cell time. It took me until my late 30s to actually approach discomfort consciously and as of now in my mid-40s I'm still not seasoned at it. Like any muscle, you get better and stronger through practice.
“When I come now I say I defend bitterness, I defended negativity, I defence, sorrow, and anger and sadness. Where you find the people who are confused and still questioning.” Beautifully put.
Everybody’s life is their own. If someone needs/wants to feel bitterness or negativity then that is their business, as long as they are not acting it out on or projecting it on others. Like you said it is often a healthy or appropriate reaction. I think when people bury their negativity or deny they have any, it comes out in the most twisted, projecting and negative way. At least that is my experience with my parents.
There's a scene in the TV show Yellowjackets. It's about a group of middle aged women still traumatized by what happened to them as teens. In one scene, one of them says to the others: "You guys are just as f*cked up as I am, you're just better at lying to yourselves about it! You're not healthy, you're not stable, you're living on the brink just like me!"
Thank you! I had to keep defending my right to feel my feelings to my therapist. She kept telling me I had to forgive and not be negative. I finally gave up and went to a better therapist.
Thank you Daniel. It is important to see all sides of reality both positive and negative. It is delusional to ignore the negativity in life. It actually exists. I agree with you. Healing trauma requires us to face and express our buried pain and painful emotions. Thank you for acknowledging and speaking the truth on the path towards our overall healing.
This is such an insightful video and so courageous! “Positive” people are so unconscious! True positivity is gentle and calm and has gone through the fires of bitterness and rage. I had a friend who went through a divorce. I listened as well as I could. One day I said to her”I understand your bitterness” She was outraged and replied “I’m not bitter!!” Shortly after she began taking her bitterness out on me, making absolutely brutal criticisms because she thought my husband was perfect and I think too good for me. He is a person in deep denial and is not easy to live with. I ended the friendship because it was too hurtful. Daniel thank you for your eloquence and honesty. I feel understood 🙏
The topic of this video reminds me of that poem, “do not go gentle into the good night”. I think our rage, anger, resent that we feel are all indicative of our inner values that we have deep down. They are messengers of our truth of our inner values. Not many people think to connect the two. When our inner values aren’t being respected, we get angry and bitter. And it’s a good thing to be angry and bitter! One should be angry and bitter if they are being cheated or violated or abused in any way! Too many people capitalize on getting our anger ness and rage shut down by instilling selfdoubt in us etc. When this happens, we become innocent enablers and unwitting pawns in our own life. Children with narcissistic and emotionally abusive parents are especially at a high risk of having this happen to them. It is the truth of things that sets us free. In the video, Dan mentions how all roads lead to Rome. In my own journey, if I ever fall complacent on my healing, I’m reminded of how all roads lead to the truth of my experience - which I need to address and represent in this life.
I spent a lifetime not being able to heal till I started to figure out what happened to me recently in retirement. Working through my pain & anger is part of my process I wish others could understand as much as you do. TY so much for sharing your painful journey & wisdom with us. So many are coming out of the fog & starting to heal now.🙏🥰❤️🔥
Daniel, when it comes to “the work”, you’re one of the best I know of and would recommend your channel more if I could. One of your videos from awhile back you said something about being ahead of your time but then corrected yourself. But, you are. Any of us on this kind of path are. It’s more than cutting edge it’s pioneering. We’re not making anything up. We’re course correcting, reality testing, and the proof is in the psychobiological pudding. I like the term psychobiology because, psychology is biology. Did you know that scapegoating abuse, for example, can effect the body so much it can actually effect the way that DNA is read and coded? And that’s on top of everything else… hormonal, endocrine,… etc. So yeah, psychology is biology, we are a psychosocial species, and psyche means… soul. That’s basically the root word.
To be honest I hate the romantization of sadness, pain and anger even more than the isolation. I sure wasn’t beautiful when I was going through my psychosis, but I also hated the fact that my “friends” abandoned me.
Years of submission, burying feelings, being told by family/friends/society to just *beee positive* while swirling in the bowl brings about a sweet awareness when we recognize that we aren't wrong or alone. Forced positivity = #ToxicPositivity and very dangerous. EDIT: if I misunderstood you, I sincerely apologize.
From one Daniel to another, I love and respect your videos. Dan. People today are soo confused, I hope this helps. I've been through real trauma from a head on collision and family betrayal. God bless. Family betrayal hurts worse as one family member died in that head on. The betrayal was a smack in the face.
this is so validating, I’ve come to a point in my healing journey where I realized that I have so much unbridled anger and how deep it actually runs. I’ve been in a pool of negativity trying to work through this feeling and experiencing the anger seems counterproductive but it’s necessary to truly feel it to overcome it.
They erase who you are. They tell everyone your “negativity” is a problem. Even though you’re kind, innocent and intelligent they destroy your reputation to protect theirs. It’s very evil.
Truly nightmare (if covert) negative people - I spent a holiday with someone like that - are simply people who are dishonest about their feelings with themselves, projecting instead energy-sucking negativity everywhere else. They are people who are very draining to be with, playing the victim role in one form or another, usually subtly. This is someone VERY different to a person on an ACTUAL healing journey, however, sad, confused or angry they may be.
Thank you Daniel Mackler; after two years of following your channel I can see the pain and hard work you go through to communicate these ideas to us and how it is part of your own healing process. Here's my afterthoughts about this topic. If I deny myself my negative emotions, and if I never find out exactly why I feel them, or who caused me to stay stuck in those emotional reactions, and how the ones that are responsible did it to me, I doubt I will ever be close to being able to say I healed. I want a full recovery, no less, and if I die before it happens, so be it. If I have to delay it for practical reasons, it'll be begrudgingly and with genuine frustration and regret. I will not live a false life, ever again.
Have a narcissistic roommate who accused me of “negativity” when I pointed out some facts about our lease.. he then proceeded to be extremely negative about everything on a daily basis for the next year 😂
I love that you said this , I've been saying similar things my whole life and even did a video recently on the glorification of grey-rocking these days/demonizing of negative emotions, and how it leads to mental health issues, especially depression. P.S. I've also been called a nihilist before whenever I pointed out negative behaviors in others.
@@ShaunVillafana To be as dull as a grey rock. To resist our longing to be seen by these people who harvest our struggles and our accomplishments for their own sense of self.
Damn that shatters me to imagine that. Grey-rocking... That feels like it would be like an imprisonment of another's soul. for someone to push another into that. that pisses me off. I wonder how many scenarios I witnessed others in relationships in that but was ignorantly blind to what was going on.
@@Earl_E_Burd Ah see, I can't go that far in these topics, when it gets into presuming intent. Especially when any given person's ignorance or denials conflicting reality could very well cause the same effect of abuses from them. Which is not to say "innocence" since negligence still qualifies the legal definition of 'actual malice', but I find it's still dangerous to imprint our idea of intent of another's as though we "know". Because it's when we _"just know"_ that we tend to ignore all evidence otherwise. And I can't imagine myself getting a sense of enjoyment out of something like that nor have I ever heard of someone saying they themselves enjoy such a thing, so for all I know the notion itself is entirely only existing in people's heads when they're appending it blaming another of it. while by all logic, a simple lack of intelligence or suffering of psychological denials would suffice to explain many of the instances of narcissistic abuse. talking about another's intent is too much a slippery slope for me. it could cause us to do evil actions in our demand of it being the way we believe it, while inherently never provable.
Daniel: have you done a video addressing the emotional damage done globally by our own governments? The results of enforced mandates of isolation , etc. during the last several years? The results of the fear mongering that is still rampant by media? There has been a dramatic change in people and I don’t think most of them are even aware of it. Thank you so much for all of your videos. This one was very timely because I set aside the last year to do the work that tens of thousands of dollars and hours could not heal in the past. It’s been a year of finally feeling it all: grief, anger, tears and rants. This issue of “negativity” has been hanging over much of it. I have changed, I have boundaries, I have an awareness of red flags and give them credence without having to understand them. This is all new to me and has shattered the seven decades of “positivity” and “being nice” I thought was me. I am getting to know and support myself. New territory.
I think you’re displacing your valid feelings about another situation onto a sensible isolation “mandate” that was a response to a pandemic. Sometimes life is difficult and there’s no one to blame but the nature of things. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but blaming people for your feelings about a situation beyond everyone’s control is preventing you from processing them. There’s plenty else to be justifiably angry at our govt for.
@@lissie3669agreed but you are walking a thight rope. From recently I try to avoid pathologizing other peoples opinions, cause people do the same thing to me and its not nice to be on the receiving end of it. Examples: Some of my friends are into conspiracy theories about elites taking young children and extracting some unknown hormone adrenochrome for eternal youth prefferences. I told them as a medical doctor that there is no such thing as adrenochrome. My friends who do this are somewhat misserable and had crappy childhood, are stuck in life, so they come up with some big narrative - metanarrative which rare few deeply know so that makes them special- narcissism that covers up their deep hurt unloving self, to avoid looking at unfulfilled life. Otherwise they are loving friends. So what I ll do. Gradually I ll nudge them in right direction by my own growth process. At least I hope so. Being at receiving end: As a medical doctor I decided to stop receiving any sort of gifts from my patients..Usually patients give gifts to doctors in my country, Croatia in Europe. Some patients expect my phone number when they give me some small gift like 0.5 pound of ground coffee. Sometimes I gave them my phone number and was abused by calls on Saturday and Sunday outside my working hours. So now I ve decided not to take any gifts from patients , and to be logically consistent also from big pharma reps, including hospitality meals and so on. Now my collegues see me as a pariah. They tell me my thinking is black and white. They might say up front I am borderline 😂. Most of them take gifts, allow patients to call them outside working hours, block them if these patients abuse them too much. My thinking is I dont want to be in this situation to begin with. Refuse, keep distance, do your job. But thats borderline
I dont know what team this is, but Im on this team. I have a friend who says how heavy it is to hear the painful stories of his romances and friends while they are the ones experiencing the pain and not putting it on him, just sharing it, but he doesnt want to hear about pain, he wants it to go away. Praise be negativity and Bitterness!
what if you have some conditions like major depression or agoraphobia? its so hard to heal nowdays because of all the negativity and the hate this wolrd has to offer to you...i mean u cannot find truth anymore...people just lie and lie and hide behind themselves. what i found the last few years is being alone and pushing away alot of friends and family i feel kinda better and in a way i can see more clearly my deep traumas as a child. the real question is will i ever be able to heal completely? i dont think so because trauma is always with you whether u like it or not...all u can do is accept it as your own and hold it close so it can remind you to never fell into that trap ever again
The ultimate irony is that your dad's excessive insistence on labeling you as "negative" was itself extreme, true negativity. If he was truly "positive" he'd have sought to understand you and expressed compassion/empathy... Well that wouldn't be "positive" that would be respectful and wise. Toxic positivity is itself extreme negativity with a "positive" mask. Nobody really needs to be "positive". We just need to be honest, aware, connected, present, respectful. "positive" and "negative" are inseparable parts of life. We can't have just one. It's delusional and irrational to pretend "negative" doesn't exist and shouldn't. Besides that, those are just arbitrary generic labels. No, you don't need to become "more positive" either.
I sure love your videos and they've been helping me through some really trying times. Thanks you so much for expressing your full opinions on deep conversations.
Hi Daniel, i have been following your videos for almost a year now and they have helped me in my journey to finding myself more than just about anything else so far. If you know anything about dissociation due to childhood trauma and the different dissociative disorders people are commonly diagnosed with who have these issues, I would love to hear your take on it. I apologize if you have covered this topic before, i tried to search through your channel and find something but could not. Thank you so much for sharing your life and perspective with the world so honestly. It is much valued by people like me. :)
Jesus, do we have the same dad? Or is it just that people like our dads are threatened by their children in the same ways? Either way, your description of your dad and the dynamic he enforced on you sounds exactly like mine. I'm sorry you went thru that too, but the familiarity/camraderie I feel when watching your videos is really wonderful. Thank you for doing this; I know it's not easy, but you're doing it and I think you're a brave mfer ❤
Anyone who has transferred their anger onto another innocent fellow human being should own up and apologize to the people they have unjustly hurt or harmed. You have contributed to the pain and suffering in the human world. You have a responsibility to lessen the suffering by mending what you have damaged in the chain of events that contribute to human suffering. Or all is just empty delusional talk that makes ourselves feel better.
I was called a sad sack by my mother once. The person who used to lie in bed screaming when I was about 17. I would walk into her room to ask about something and she would start screaming uncontrollably. I was at school and working at Selfridge's to make some extra money and she would walk around in clogs above my room waking me, then say it was her fucking house. Etc. Completely horrible human being. She still is a horrible human being. Her fucked up childhood is not my problem AT ALL.
my parents called me a black cloud. i think they were and are simply afraid of what it meant for me to rain out and reveal their delusion and abuse. its kind of a funny metaphor now that i think about it. i am for the clarity and rainbows and fresh air when i realized and left and continue to rain out. theres still work left to do and i am a very tormented person, but i do not want to be apart of their madness and the madness that everyone tries so hard to act like didnt happen or was okay. this is my healing, this is the consequence. and a part of me is so glad i can own my feelings too, as hard as they are to honour or not. thats something i didnt have the priviledge of either.
Being honest to oneself emanates a threat to the delusional perception of others. ( It's only accepted as long as this sharpness of mind helps others navigate their every day life in which they do not intend to change a tad, however much many tell themselves and others.) We feel the old hurt and it may then vanish. We feel a hurt of lack of company also now, we grieve over the misery we see brought about by not seeing human life properly. That creates a second sorrow and that might latently stay. I'm figuring out how to deal with it and maintain a wholesome healthy autonomous outlook on life. Else it's easily confounded with old memories.
Thank you for this video. I’ve been called negative a lot. But I’m happier when I get to feel my feelings.. even if they are feelings of sadness, anger etc. Most people don’t care about other people negative emotions, in my experience. On dating apps men don’t respond to any negative feelings, even of tiredness or sickness.. it’s shocking.
My brother used to call me a nihilist but I was just passionate about so many things that frustrated me. What I needed was care, and attention, and for someone to take my concerns seriously because I thought I was the only one that cared about these things, because nobody else was talking about them. As one of my mentors says, don’t say “I don’t care” because you DO care. We always care about something. I might not care about one thing because I care so deeply about another. As you say, I was DEFINITELY in search of THE TRUTH. So instead of saying, I don’t care you could say I don’t really care about THIS (x,y,z), but I care DEEPLY about THAT. Hope that makes sense. Great video. I feel much more seen, heard and understood for a lifetime of being called negative. In actuality I’m quite positive lol. Oh, the irony!
It’s so convient you’ve published this because I had similar thought earlier! Oftentimes I would force myself to seem happy or at the very least neutral throughout childhood and teen years since that’s all I felt was allowed without burdening others but it feels so good to just exist in whatever emotion feels natural. I actually like being sad now, it feels better then a forced cheery mood cause part of the human experience is to experience all emotions in my view
My parents didn't allow us to show our anger, but they could thunder and rage at anything and anyone. Thank you for this ! All my life I was told I was wrong. Too sensitive, too negative, too sad, blah, blah, blah. This is a great message for people who weren't allowed to just be, without judgement. A little guidance would have helped, but from who ?
A parent who demands a relationship from their child only reveals the stark absence of it. "I suppose you don't love me!" "Why do you only remember the bad things!" Uncoupling shame from every emotion is a key step to recovery. Love yourself like they should have. You STILL do and always will deserve to be loved.
I got stuck on the healing path and I didn’t know what to do nor did anyone else from what I know. I was very afraid to become like the people who neglected me or abused me but had no way to skillfully deal with these feelings. I’m still lost and afraid that it’s too late now. The inner pressure is insane. I hope I am still here and I can reconnect with my truth
Love the term "disassociative positivity." As a way to differentiate from healthy, grounded forms of positivity that can co-exist (within ourselves and in our actions) with the reality we are living in which is chockful of suffering and pain, but not exclusively so. I actually used to be called "fake" by my narc mother as a youth- especially when i was calm and at peace in my solitude, and sincerely kind to others. It bothered her I wasnt visibly miserable, agitated and mean like she was inside (she could act the charismastic charmer to outsiders on cue). Anyway, I do get the point about getting pushback for being authentic and critical towards oppressive powers and the status quo. For this, my parents and peers have bullied and mocked me for- but it only underscores how i am on the correct path of resistance. Our capitalist society is predicated upon denial, comparison, competition and low self worth- all our systems including family and education is so steeped in this, it requires a high level of courage, emotional intelligence and critical awareness to lift this veil of delusion to ourselves and publicly. Hard not to feel down and depressed while doing so, but a very worthy effort still in my experience- even when it means losing some relationships.
Yes, I've experienced the false positivity of so-called enlightened folks. I also have a dear friend who is permanently negative in that he makes negative, destructive comments regarding everything he sees and hears, but without putting anything constructive to replace what he has demolished. Unfortunately he is stuck in negativity without the ability to see the beauty of the world. The healthier mode is to experience both the light and the shade of life.
My dad treated me harshly because his own father was like that and according to him, he turned out fine. No he didn't. He gets mad real fast, can get physically and verbally abusive.
Yeah, society really is quite 🦇 💩 crazy, but it has been for as long as I know of. It seems as if there is no oasis of sanity or refuge for the individual to begin to acknowledge reality without the psycho-social beatings that keep one "in line" and amenable to further abuse. In short I strongly suspect that the madness is somehow written into the human condition and becomes activated with the formation of masses/society what-have-you.
Thank you for all the work you do. Came to this answer myself through a total collapse of the structure of my lies hiding my pain. It makes it really hard to look at the world some days, happy to see others who have braved the path and questioned the easy answers from the crowd. Lots of love here man, lots of love.
Defending difficult feelings is very legitimising - a beautiful thing that instead of blaming the individual for having these feelings, gives them the right to feel them. But also, it's good to take another, bigger perspective view expressed in a Chinese proverb : He who blames others has a long way to go. He who blames himself is half way there. He who blames no-one has already arrived.
It's always wrong to try to guess anyone's polarity (to call it negative) because that person might be having a very positive experience, actually. Negative, positive - that's judgement.
But I was a nihilist, only I never asked myself, why was I like that? until I reached middle age and then I knew. children just don't grow so hopeless without cause.
The message you share is an antidote to the ubiquitous positivity movement, where never a negative emotion can be expressed. Also, are these emotions even "negative"? Anger can galvanise us into action; bitterness may help us recognise abuse; sadness can help us grieve. These are all valid, important emotions. Feelings that are meant to be...felt. Thank you, Daniel, for speaking out amongst this crowd of positivity merchants. Your message about so-called negative emotions is supremely validating. That's the irony.
oh i am also a nihilist. i'm not that i'm sad or angry, i just genuinely don't think that anything has meaning besides what people attribute to it. many eyes of many beholders don't make opinion objective truth. Edit: I love life and living too. i would genuinely be immortal if it were possible.
Hello! Do I have responsibility to heal my parents? Thinking about this quote "save your father from the belly of the beast" - I feel like our relationsship (which is almost identical to what you are telling here) has no basis, there is no communication, just bitterness. I was in a dark place for a long time, it rubbed off on me, but now I feel like am coming out of this dark place and being reborn. Just yesterday I had a "healing" moment, I was pouring out my heart after realizing all the pain and bitterness this relationsship caused over the years. Man... healing is a journey.. it's a journey about discovering your truth. Is this some thing like: first I need to heal myself then maybe I can think about healing others (but should I even think about investing energy into something that is broken.... the thing is I see a broken man hiding behind a facade and I would love to help him too... But at the end of the day the only thing you can truely change is yourself and your behaviour - which maybe is exactly the best way to initiate change. Oh and... Thanks Daniel for all your content... Just lovely stuff man! All the best to you! You are a blessing!
I was always told I was too negative. 'Why does everything have to be negative with you?' I used to say 'because you keep giving me things to be negative about' They did. Alot of things. That got me hit. Alot. In hindsight I realize my parents were beyond awful.
Having lived half of my life with a person who did not allow me any negative emotions, I know first hand the effects of fake - toxic positivity in my soul and in my body (it 'kept the score"). He was always happy, never grieved even when seriously sad things happened. His moto is "Choose happiness. Happiness is a choice!"😁 Rejoice!!! But he is not really happy...
I think it's a self-preservation thing walking on eggshells trying to maintain the group's fantasy so you're not ostracized
Yes.
People who pay their own rent don't have to participate in group fantasies. Sometimes I wonder if all this buying up of the housing market is an attempt to force an entire generation into living with their parents so they can't rebel.
Meanwhile other therapists who have no idea what they are talking about and are just zoning out the entire session and don't care: * "The common denominator is YOU" and other victim blaming gaslighting bullshit. *
Thank you for sharing your story. All I've ever encountered was other people trying to negate and invalidate my own similar healing processes as a victim of social ostracism and child abuse growing up and into adulthood until I could get away from that town for good.
I always thought they were patronising me Pygmalion style, you know, telling me how to be a lady. Like if I was just polite and kind people will like me and treat me with respect. I would resent that because I am nice and people take me for an idiot.
Now I know that the only thing they care about is how they're going to get through the session with me. How I can make it as bareble as possible for THEM.
We blame ourselves because we haven't grown out of the collective conditioning that tells us we can't be angry towards authority.
We.."BLAME" is our learning!...The "bigger" picture...is reaching our conscious truth!
We’ve been shamed to blame ourselves
YES! THANK YOU!
The concept of authority is incredibly destructive and also the basis of the kyriarchy.
@@lyndkent-cl2oe How much for that dog in the window?
Yes, be ashamed of yourself for not serving the authorities good enough.
I saw a meme once that said it great, it had Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, and it said how none of his friends ever put him down for being negative or told him to "stop being so sad" or ostracized him. They all treated him like any other friend and allowed him to simply be, and be with them.
................How, just wonderful yourself do not relate to this "meme"...You are blessed x
I love that!
That made tears in my eyes...I love that..thankyou
My brother actually told me that he couldn't be around me or talk to me anymore because I was too negative. Mind you, he's jobless, a drop out, and a pot head that depends on his wife to provide. At the time I recently lost my job and was needing to speak to someone because I had bills to pay. All for him to call me negative and say he can't be around me.
I wish there were more therapists like Daniel
Me too! He is one in a million!
We need to realize that suffering is a guide. Some of the most powerful healers have suffered tremendously. Its through ones suffering that one seeks the truth.
This is possibly the most important video I’ve ever seen in my life! We are all just surrounded by platitudes that, basically, disallow our anger and pain and tell us to “think positively.” I’ve always known and felt that this is a lack of understanding and empathy!
Yes! Have you also been struggling to find ground in this? I often felt that I KNOW the falsity of perhaps more than 90% of people's positivity, but still been doubting myself and so many many times fell down in the pit of believing I am irrevocably disturbed because I am not enjoying positivity. But when I am on stable ground in this, I KNOW I enjoy authentic positivity both within and without. But such positivity is seldom ecplicit, just a kind of 'scent' around a person who is authentic with life's questions.
@@M-i-k-a-e-l It’s so sad that most ‘positivity’ is a form of denial. I gave up making a list of the forms of denial - I would’ve had to write a book :) That does not mean that there is not ANY true reason to be positive at times! Enjoy life, as best you can! As Daniel said, “I am not a nihilist!” :)
@@leeannsummerfield3989but they seem to feel good in this denial.
@@gobetter350 I don’t know… I’ve only seen unhappy and fake people. I think it’s a pitiful choice, made out of fear(?)
This is why the "TOXIC POSITIVITY" term is finally steaming ahead in Western Society very recently. Thank God! (It's about time that advice to the contrary was called out this way!!)
Conscious suffering sucks, but I'll take that any day over unconscious suffering! Being haunted by pain that I tried and had to conceal left me so empty, I am so glad to not be in that state anymore.
Accepting it and making it conscious will heal it
yeah. my conscious suffering is driving me nuts in a different way, but if i still felt the same severity of emotions that i did from childhood through adolescence, idk. i'd be FUCKED up
Maybe there is more chance of healing - and growth - with conscious suffering, painful as it is. You are able to release other energies and powers with conscious suffering. It is painful though, no picnic either. One must, I think, also take self-care breaks and look after and love oneself in the meantimes to be able to realise this and not go under.
@@lotus.b.lazuli2020100 per cent my feelings too. Have to be increasingly selective. It’s a bear pit out there at times. Ty for this post.
AMEN!...Still finding it hard to let go off pain....YEA!!...LOFL! x
All feelings are vaild, despite what the contemporary society wants us to believe. Feelings are messengers from the core of our being.
_Don't shoot the messengers._
This
Agreed! Too bad there's a lot of NARC defenders and shaming and blaming in these comments.
Yes, feelings in reference to their roots are valid. Feelings trumped up by false pretense and self/other deception aren't. Yes, one may have anger or rage rooted in abusive traumatic events and that's valid. No, fanning the flames of that anger and turning it on scapegoats is not.
There is always a reason for everything. None of this is happenstance :)
@@Kimoto504 That is why the root causes of feelings should be routinely explored. Most people have very low emotional intelligence, unfortunately. It's not taught in schools.
Yes, my narcissistic mother would never accept any deeper discussion that touched on weakness or hurt or dissatisfaction or anything honest really because, as you say, these are feelings that she rejected to feel. If you cannot experience these feelings, you do not really have access to your true self, and it’s harder to know who you are, to know what you want, or how to to go about getting it.
I really despise the cult of toxic positivity, the " good vibes only " group. I believe it isolates many . I also believe that those who insist on being surrounded by " good vibes only " are weak and dependant and draining others.
if you want to see true nature of people, tell them the truth
Or give them power
“ if you want to see the true nature of people, tell them the truth” - wow
So so true! Well said! ❤
Right on
Yes & yes
I worked with a young man who told me “I’m so angry I can’t move forward with my career” then he corrected himself “I’m sorry, my psychologist told me not to be angry. She said I should say that it’s unfortunate but I need to accept it” I told him “But those are your words and feelings, go off if you need to” He had a hint of glee in his eye and kept going on his angry rant that involved swearing and raised voice, nothing aggressive towards me. Afterwards he thanked me. And an added bonus - as he was angry ranting he actually came up with some solutions that I encouraged him to pursue between sessions. Expressing anger is great, if you can find someone who is strong enough to withstand the outburst and find the meaning underneath it. In the past I found client outbursts incredibly uncomfortable, but I worked with my own therapist to identify why I feel distressed. Now I’m better able to stay calm but alert in situations when clients are expressing healthy anger and frustration without trying to calm or redirect them.
🎉 great
pete walker talks about this in his C-PTSD book. My understanding from the book is that it is good to rant and verbally ventilate out loud. This is because that the left and right brain hemispheres is integrated somehow and start to function correctly together. Emotion+thinking is supposed to be integrated and for that you need to go back and forth between them or so i understand. This understanding is starting to take away my shame of venting emotions, especially anger. I always feel better the more i do it unless i get shamed or discouraged from it obviously. I also tend to come up with VALID solutions or explanations as to why i am angry and i can feel the emotion deeper and eventually it shifts to something else. Need to do a lot of repetition however until certain things lose their grip.
Therapy is a fucking trap.
My therapist has let me essentially rant for the last two sessions. He encouraged me not to hold back. I was also just going through my life to explain why I was there in the first place, but clearly it had been festering away under there and it all just came out in a flood, which included some very angry rants 😅 but it really helped, I feel better just having been able to get it all out safely to someone else feels like a relief in a way. And not feeling judged or like I have to justify myself for everything has been fantastic. I'm really grateful that I have a good therapist.
You're so right. You actually need to see it to choose to heal. You can't avoid negativity.
Great video❤
It’s actually necessary to be ‘negative’ sometimes as we are made up of positive and negative and I don’t like to even refer to any emotion as negative as they are all just human! They all carry some kind of wisdom and message for us to navigate our lives.
Humans have a strong negativity bias and that’s an ancient survival
Mechanism. We’ve been taught to shame ourselves and each other for this and I believe religious people brainwashed us so we wouldn’t question their bs or the abuse that’s been handed down for centuries
6:54 I see where you're coming from. I was someone who used to be quick to follow others to satiate the need to belong.
I discovered that everyone is on their own unique paths. If we blindly follow others without having an awareness of self and the various social games we humans play within ourselves and with one another, we quickly become thrown adrift and wildly deceived.
Of which would take many years to heal, recover, and reform from such instances.
While those modalities have their places, let the emphasis be on self care and teaching ourselves and our children emotional preventative care measures. So that we can prevent "needless healing and therapy," and unknowingly aid in the misdirection of healing energy by those who practice the healing arts.
It's best to learn and master yourself before pursuing a partner, money, power, etc. Otherwise, the items mentioned above becomes routes of escape rather than tools of blessing to the lives of others and yourself.
Thank you very much.
Abusive people hate on the emotions of other people in fact they specifically fear emotions and if they are parents they absolutely can't teach you how to deal with having emotions. Wounded people wound people
Most wounded people wound themselves. Only a minority go the route of punishing others. Both strategies are understandable.
@@tahiyamarome
parents unconsciously will hurt there children if they are like that
Hurt people hurt people? NO!!!
Crazy people make people crazy!
@@giessenundgeniessen hmm no because being "crazy" doesn't mean you're going to hurt people.
@@giessenundgeniessenfeedback loops
This channel is a breath of fresh air. ❤
I second that! 🙋♀️
Don’t ignore anger, but don’t embrace it long term. Feel it because it is real, justified. Breath it for as long as it takes, then let it lift away, leaving you in peace.
I think this video is right on the money. I hear a lot of people saying don't be "bitter" or "resentful". I have even heard a leader say "you can be bitter or you can be great". Its harmful because it doesn't let people feel their rage, resentment, and bitterness. So you just live with it buried. When you bring up these resentments or anger to other people, they then are not able to handle it, so I can only talk with them about "positive" things. Conversations never get real, and you are left by yourself in an abyss to process your anger. I think people say don't be bitter or resentful because maybe they have seen these kinds of people take out their rage on others and think bitterness is the problem. We lack a nuanced view of things.
Yeah, it's very lonely when pretty much no one in your circle understands that going through all of this crap can lead to something good or even what it is really about, and so your best strategy is just sitting with it alone, journaling, listening to kind strangers on the internet, or, perhaps, if you're really lucky, some good therapy. It really would be easier to do this if more people were healthy enough to understand this.
I’ve noticed this too - people tell you to disown your authentic feelings like anger and resent because they’re wrong. They see it as “what feeling is right and what feeling is wrong” vs “this feeling is authentic of this person. I should look into it”. I think they tell you to not be angry or bitter, because they can’t deal with it. And instead of them being honest about their inability to deal with your anger/bitterness, they instead get you to disown/outsource what you’re going through. It’s just baffling to me. Unaware and clueless people will be unaware and clueless about you but also about themselves too, I guess. It’s very frustrating.
I’ve noticed that positivity is a convenient defense (in my experience, mostly with men) who don’t know how to ask. They don’t know how to ask for deeper clarification, whether it’s asking you why you’re angry or whether it’s them asking for help on getting deeper clarification. Instead they deflect and make it about being positive. I don’t know why these people don’t just up and move to live in Disneyland then. They have no business being in the real world with that “everything is fine/it’ll be fine” when it’s not attitude. It pays to be real, even if it’s uncomfortable. The truth is always in the reality of our experience, even if no one else can see it. When people summon the courage to act on the truth of their reality, the results are more long lasting and the reward is tenfold. But more importantly, life then feels like it’s truly yours only because you acted on your truth. You’re not just a bystander or a pawn anymore.
@@user-mg9hi5ln8n taking their bitterness out on you is just plain wrong.
@@user-mg9hi5ln8n what you’re describing is detachment and one can learn to be detached once they validate their own feelings about something. If someone is habitually taking their hatred out on you, you are allowed to feel anger and bitter - it’s a natural (and even healthy response). If you’re able to privately make room for your anger/bitterness (that is, if you allow to fully feel these feelings in a private space) and if don’t judge yourself, the detachment is a natural byproduct. Eventually others’ actions won’t trigger you because YOU feel heard and seen on the inside. But it’ll take a lot of selfwork to not be affected by the action of others. We have gone through life not having this “space” created for us, so it takes some repeated and constant practice. Slowly but surely, a lot of the outside world will not bother you in the same way (their actions toward you may not change, but you will have developed strong internal boundaries to no longer internalize their actions toward you).
@@PreYeahhonestly don't believe into this crap lol. I don't think and wish that people are detached from others actions, it would mean the end of humanity. Humans are social species and we all react to stuff constantly but still yeah it's important to have some personal boundaries to avoid to be totally consumed by something someone inflicted to you
When they complain, it's "justice." When we do it's "NEGATIVE." Nice double standard of theirs!
I'm thankfully NO CONTACT with them for years now
Same here….
Love Dan’s truth bombs. Hearing something other than public facing fake BS from people is so refreshing.
Some people are stuck in the negativity and bitterness, because they have no tools or the right environment to process their hurts. But even this isn't a place to criticise them or tell them to "get over it and be positive". I have relatives, themselves broken and stuck, yet their style of coping with it is different than what it was for my mum; my mum was this "negative and bitter" person, so full of grief, pain, unresolved trauma, she was stuck and unable to move forward. But then some other relatives of mine use a coping mechanism of brushing everything negative off, putting on a positive front, in effect denying and suppressing their true feelings, and they felt that my mum's coping style was unbearable and intolerable, although it was basically the same thing, just a different style, different way of coping with the same or similar pain.
@ruthm1384 - what you’re describing is very profound. And I still am and will be more inclined to trust the people who are angry and bitter. Anger sits on the surface and is easier to unearth. I think such people who are angry and bitter are doing right by themselves by still holding onto the truth of the injustice of their experience. I’d take them any day than these toxic-positive people. They’re the ones who have disowned and discarded their anger, and thus live in denial. These people are harder to reach but also much more averse to change because they’ve already ingested the toxicity of their so-called happiness/positivity.
Yes, spot on.
It's a superpower to be able to sit with uncomfortable feelings without a crutch, hence why there's a status attached to monks and nuns who cloister as well as a well founded fear of prison punishments of solo cell time. It took me until my late 30s to actually approach discomfort consciously and as of now in my mid-40s I'm still not seasoned at it. Like any muscle, you get better and stronger through practice.
Great comment!
Such an important message. Can't thank you enough for everything you share Daniel.💖
“When I come now I say I defend bitterness, I defended negativity, I defence, sorrow, and anger and sadness. Where you find the people who are confused and still questioning.” Beautifully put.
Everybody’s life is their own. If someone needs/wants to feel bitterness or negativity then that is their business, as long as they are not acting it out on or projecting it on others.
Like you said it is often a healthy or appropriate reaction.
I think when people bury their negativity or deny they have any, it comes out in the most twisted, projecting and negative way. At least that is my experience with my parents.
It's ok to not feel ok I guess
@@masterculturedunkerque7918 There's a book by that name. Megan Devine is the author.
People are afraid of the truth, because of what truth says about them.
I agree, and they're also afraid of admitting how horrific the world can be.
@@anarcho-communist11and lonely and painful and all of us somehow are agents, recipients and perpetrators of it. Oh strange world
Since when "your opinion" is "the truth"?
There's a scene in the TV show Yellowjackets. It's about a group of middle aged women still traumatized by what happened to them as teens. In one scene, one of them says to the others:
"You guys are just as f*cked up as I am, you're just better at lying to yourselves about it! You're not healthy, you're not stable, you're living on the brink just like me!"
Thank you! I had to keep defending my right to feel my feelings to my therapist. She kept telling me I had to forgive and not be negative. I finally gave up and went to a better therapist.
Thank you Daniel. It is important to see all sides of reality both positive and negative. It is delusional to ignore the negativity in life. It actually exists.
I agree with you. Healing trauma requires us to face and express our buried pain and painful emotions.
Thank you for acknowledging and speaking the truth on the path towards our overall healing.
This is such an insightful video and so courageous! “Positive” people are so unconscious! True positivity is gentle and calm and has gone through the fires of bitterness and rage. I had a friend who went through a divorce. I listened as well as I could. One day I said to her”I understand your bitterness” She was outraged and replied “I’m not bitter!!” Shortly after she began taking her bitterness out on me, making absolutely brutal criticisms because she thought my husband was perfect and I think too good for me. He is a person in deep denial and is not easy to live with. I ended the friendship because it was too hurtful. Daniel thank you for your eloquence and honesty. I feel understood 🙏
"True positivity is gentle and calm and has gone through the fires of bitterness and rage". Love that, very well put.
I also love that quote.
The topic of this video reminds me of that poem, “do not go gentle into the good night”. I think our rage, anger, resent that we feel are all indicative of our inner values that we have deep down. They are messengers of our truth of our inner values. Not many people think to connect the two. When our inner values aren’t being respected, we get angry and bitter. And it’s a good thing to be angry and bitter! One should be angry and bitter if they are being cheated or violated or abused in any way!
Too many people capitalize on getting our anger ness and rage shut down by instilling selfdoubt in us etc. When this happens, we become innocent enablers and unwitting pawns in our own life. Children with narcissistic and emotionally abusive parents are especially at a high risk of having this happen to them. It is the truth of things that sets us free. In the video, Dan mentions how all roads lead to Rome. In my own journey, if I ever fall complacent on my healing, I’m reminded of how all roads lead to the truth of my experience - which I need to address and represent in this life.
Thank YOU 🙏🏼 for existing Daniel ♥️
I spent a lifetime not being able to heal till I started to figure out what happened to me recently in retirement. Working through my pain & anger is part of my process I wish others could understand as much as you do. TY so much for sharing your painful journey & wisdom with us. So many are coming out of the fog & starting to heal now.🙏🥰❤️🔥
"Negative" emotions are still emotions and I'm gonna feel how I want to feel.
Love the video! You become a mirror they can't stand to look at.
Daniel, when it comes to “the work”, you’re one of the best I know of and would recommend your channel more if I could.
One of your videos from awhile back you said something about being ahead of your time but then corrected yourself. But, you are. Any of us on this kind of path are. It’s more than cutting edge it’s pioneering. We’re not making anything up. We’re course correcting, reality testing, and the proof is in the psychobiological pudding.
I like the term psychobiology because, psychology is biology. Did you know that scapegoating abuse, for example, can effect the body so much it can actually effect the way that DNA is read and coded? And that’s on top of everything else… hormonal, endocrine,… etc.
So yeah, psychology is biology, we are a psychosocial species, and psyche means… soul. That’s basically the root word.
To be honest I hate the romantization of sadness, pain and anger even more than the isolation. I sure wasn’t beautiful when I was going through my psychosis, but I also hated the fact that my “friends” abandoned me.
Years of submission, burying feelings, being told by family/friends/society to just *beee positive* while swirling in the bowl brings about a sweet awareness when we recognize that we aren't wrong or alone.
Forced positivity = #ToxicPositivity and very dangerous.
EDIT: if I misunderstood you, I sincerely apologize.
From one Daniel to another, I love and respect your videos. Dan. People today are soo confused, I hope this helps. I've been through real trauma from a head on collision and family betrayal. God bless. Family betrayal hurts worse as one family member died in that head on. The betrayal was a smack in the face.
You’re a genius. That’s all I’m going to say about that!
Have a blessed day my friend. 🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤
I’ll second that! He is very special! ❤
this is so validating, I’ve come to a point in my healing journey where I realized that I have so much unbridled anger and how deep it actually runs. I’ve been in a pool of negativity trying to work through this feeling and experiencing the anger seems counterproductive but it’s necessary to truly feel it to overcome it.
They erase who you are. They tell everyone your “negativity” is a problem. Even though you’re kind, innocent and intelligent they destroy your reputation to protect theirs. It’s very evil.
Truly nightmare (if covert) negative people - I spent a holiday with someone like that - are simply people who are dishonest about their feelings with themselves, projecting instead energy-sucking negativity everywhere else. They are people who are very draining to be with, playing the victim role in one form or another, usually subtly. This is someone VERY different to a person on an ACTUAL healing journey, however, sad, confused or angry they may be.
Hearing similar sentiments when expressing pain to parents and therapists I feel so validated by this. Thanks Daniel
Thank you Daniel Mackler; after two years of following your channel I can see the pain and hard work you go through to communicate these ideas to us and how it is part of your own healing process.
Here's my afterthoughts about this topic.
If I deny myself my negative emotions, and if I never find out exactly why I feel them, or who caused me to stay stuck in those emotional reactions, and how the ones that are responsible did it to me, I doubt I will ever be close to being able to say I healed.
I want a full recovery, no less, and if I die before it happens, so be it. If I have to delay it for practical reasons, it'll be begrudgingly and with genuine frustration and regret. I will not live a false life, ever again.
Have a narcissistic roommate who accused me of “negativity” when I pointed out some facts about our lease.. he then proceeded to be extremely negative about everything on a daily basis for the next year 😂
I love that you said this , I've been saying similar things my whole life and even did a video recently on the glorification of grey-rocking these days/demonizing of negative emotions, and how it leads to mental health issues, especially depression. P.S. I've also been called a nihilist before whenever I pointed out negative behaviors in others.
grey-rocking, I never heard that term before.. Thanks I'll have to look that up!
@@ShaunVillafana it's basically "playing dead" or being as non-reactive as possible, in order to survive around narcissists and avoid their abuse.
@@ShaunVillafana To be as dull as a grey rock. To resist our longing to be seen by these people who harvest our struggles and our accomplishments for their own sense of self.
Damn that shatters me to imagine that. Grey-rocking... That feels like it would be like an imprisonment of another's soul. for someone to push another into that.
that pisses me off.
I wonder how many scenarios I witnessed others in relationships in that but was ignorantly blind to what was going on.
@@Earl_E_Burd Ah see, I can't go that far in these topics, when it gets into presuming intent. Especially when any given person's ignorance or denials conflicting reality could very well cause the same effect of abuses from them.
Which is not to say "innocence" since negligence still qualifies the legal definition of 'actual malice', but I find it's still dangerous to imprint our idea of intent of another's as though we "know".
Because it's when we _"just know"_ that we tend to ignore all evidence otherwise.
And I can't imagine myself getting a sense of enjoyment out of something like that nor have I ever heard of someone saying they themselves enjoy such a thing, so for all I know the notion itself is entirely only existing in people's heads when they're appending it blaming another of it.
while by all logic, a simple lack of intelligence or suffering of psychological denials would suffice to explain many of the instances of narcissistic abuse.
talking about another's intent is too much a slippery slope for me. it could cause us to do evil actions in our demand of it being the way we believe it, while inherently never provable.
Daniel: have you done a video addressing the emotional damage done globally by our own governments? The results of enforced mandates of isolation , etc. during the last several years? The results of the fear mongering that is still rampant by media? There has been a dramatic change in people and I don’t think most of them are even aware of it.
Thank you so much for all of your videos. This one was very timely because I set aside the last year to do the work that tens of thousands of dollars and hours could not heal in the past. It’s been a year of finally feeling it all: grief, anger, tears and rants. This issue of “negativity” has been hanging over much of it. I have changed, I have boundaries, I have an awareness of red flags and give them credence without having to understand them. This is all new to me and has shattered the seven decades of “positivity” and “being nice” I thought was me. I am getting to know and support myself. New territory.
Extremely deep topic. The level of gaslighting and wickedness is almost unbelievable.
Well, since we had a novel pandemic, isolation was necessary.
@@marioct130read Antoine Bechamp
I think you’re displacing your valid feelings about another situation onto a sensible isolation “mandate” that was a response to a pandemic. Sometimes life is difficult and there’s no one to blame but the nature of things. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but blaming people for your feelings about a situation beyond everyone’s control is preventing you from processing them.
There’s plenty else to be justifiably angry at our govt for.
@@lissie3669agreed but you are walking a thight rope. From recently I try to avoid pathologizing other peoples opinions, cause people do the same thing to me and its not nice to be on the receiving end of it. Examples: Some of my friends are into conspiracy theories about elites taking young children and extracting some unknown hormone adrenochrome for eternal youth prefferences. I told them as a medical doctor that there is no such thing as adrenochrome. My friends who do this are somewhat misserable and had crappy childhood, are stuck in life, so they come up with some big narrative - metanarrative which rare few deeply know so that makes them special- narcissism that covers up their deep hurt unloving self, to avoid looking at unfulfilled life. Otherwise they are loving friends. So what I ll do. Gradually I ll nudge them in right direction by my own growth process. At least I hope so.
Being at receiving end: As a medical doctor I decided to stop receiving any sort of gifts from my patients..Usually patients give gifts to doctors in my country, Croatia in Europe. Some patients expect my phone number when they give me some small gift like 0.5 pound of ground coffee. Sometimes I gave them my phone number and was abused by calls on Saturday and Sunday outside my working hours. So now I ve decided not to take any gifts from patients , and to be logically consistent also from big pharma reps, including hospitality meals and so on. Now my collegues see me as a pariah. They tell me my thinking is black and white. They might say up front I am borderline 😂. Most of them take gifts, allow patients to call them outside working hours, block them if these patients abuse them too much. My thinking is I dont want to be in this situation to begin with. Refuse, keep distance, do your job. But thats borderline
I dont know what team this is, but Im on this team. I have a friend who says how heavy it is to hear the painful stories of his romances and friends while they are the ones experiencing the pain and not putting it on him, just sharing it, but he doesnt want to hear about pain, he wants it to go away. Praise be negativity and Bitterness!
what if you have some conditions like major depression or agoraphobia?
its so hard to heal nowdays because of all the negativity and the hate this wolrd has to offer to you...i mean u cannot find truth anymore...people just lie and lie and hide behind themselves.
what i found the last few years is being alone and pushing away alot of friends and family i feel kinda better and in a way i can see more clearly my deep traumas as a child.
the real question is will i ever be able to heal completely? i dont think so because trauma is always with you whether u like it or not...all u can do is accept it as your own and hold it close so it can remind you to never fell into that trap ever again
I agree, even though psychotherapists say they can heal trauma, there's not much evidence they can
People complain about it because it makes them uncomfortable, and comfort is really all they care about
Therapists included.
Thank you for sharing that part of yourself , that really resonates with me "you're so negative"
"Don't be over sensitive"
The ultimate irony is that your dad's excessive insistence on labeling you as "negative" was itself extreme, true negativity. If he was truly "positive" he'd have sought to understand you and expressed compassion/empathy... Well that wouldn't be "positive" that would be respectful and wise.
Toxic positivity is itself extreme negativity with a "positive" mask. Nobody really needs to be "positive". We just need to be honest, aware, connected, present, respectful. "positive" and "negative" are inseparable parts of life. We can't have just one. It's delusional and irrational to pretend "negative" doesn't exist and shouldn't. Besides that, those are just arbitrary generic labels. No, you don't need to become "more positive" either.
Honestly I think it's about checks and balances: at some point, negativity is serving you. Sometimes it doesn't....
I sure love your videos and they've been helping me through some really trying times. Thanks you so much for expressing your full opinions on deep conversations.
Hi Daniel, i have been following your videos for almost a year now and they have helped me in my journey to finding myself more than just about anything else so far. If you know anything about dissociation due to childhood trauma and the different dissociative disorders people are commonly diagnosed with who have these issues, I would love to hear your take on it. I apologize if you have covered this topic before, i tried to search through your channel and find something but could not. Thank you so much for sharing your life and perspective with the world so honestly. It is much valued by people like me. :)
Jesus, do we have the same dad? Or is it just that people like our dads are threatened by their children in the same ways? Either way, your description of your dad and the dynamic he enforced on you sounds exactly like mine. I'm sorry you went thru that too, but the familiarity/camraderie I feel when watching your videos is really wonderful.
Thank you for doing this; I know it's not easy, but you're doing it and I think you're a brave mfer ❤
My narcissistic family: Don't ruin the moment!
Then: Don't talk about the past! (Unless you're praising me!)
Anyone who has transferred their anger onto another innocent fellow human being should own up and apologize to the people they have unjustly hurt or harmed. You have contributed to the pain and suffering in the human world. You have a responsibility to lessen the suffering by mending what you have damaged in the chain of events that contribute to human suffering. Or all is just empty delusional talk that makes ourselves feel better.
I was called a sad sack by my mother once. The person who used to lie in bed screaming when I was about 17. I would walk into her room to ask about something and she would start screaming uncontrollably. I was at school and working at Selfridge's to make some extra money and she would walk around in clogs above my room waking me, then say it was her fucking house. Etc. Completely horrible human being. She still is a horrible human being. Her fucked up childhood is not my problem AT ALL.
my parents called me a black cloud. i think they were and are simply afraid of what it meant for me to rain out and reveal their delusion and abuse. its kind of a funny metaphor now that i think about it. i am for the clarity and rainbows and fresh air when i realized and left and continue to rain out. theres still work left to do and i am a very tormented person, but i do not want to be apart of their madness and the madness that everyone tries so hard to act like didnt happen or was okay. this is my healing, this is the consequence. and a part of me is so glad i can own my feelings too, as hard as they are to honour or not. thats something i didnt have the priviledge of either.
I've been called a nihilist. I know I'm not and have never been, but I would rather be a nihilist than the bland person society expects me to be.
Being honest to oneself emanates a threat to the delusional perception of others.
( It's only accepted as long as this sharpness of mind helps others navigate their every day life in which they do not intend to change a tad, however much many tell themselves and others.)
We feel the old hurt and it may then vanish.
We feel a hurt of lack of company also now, we grieve over the misery we see brought about by not seeing human life properly.
That creates a second sorrow and that might latently stay. I'm figuring out how to deal with it and maintain a wholesome healthy autonomous outlook on life. Else it's easily confounded with old memories.
Thank you for this video. I’ve been called negative a lot. But I’m happier when I get to feel my feelings.. even if they are feelings of sadness, anger etc. Most people don’t care about other people negative emotions, in my experience. On dating apps men don’t respond to any negative feelings, even of tiredness or sickness.. it’s shocking.
My brother used to call me a nihilist but I was just passionate about so many things that frustrated me. What I needed was care, and attention, and for someone to take my concerns seriously because I thought I was the only one that cared about these things, because nobody else was talking about them. As one of my mentors says, don’t say “I don’t care” because you DO care. We always care about something. I might not care about one thing because I care so deeply about another. As you say, I was DEFINITELY in search of THE TRUTH. So instead of saying, I don’t care you could say I don’t really care about THIS (x,y,z), but I care DEEPLY about THAT. Hope that makes sense. Great video. I feel much more seen, heard and understood for a lifetime of being called negative. In actuality I’m quite positive lol. Oh, the irony!
It’s so convient you’ve published this because I had similar thought earlier! Oftentimes I would force myself to seem happy or at the very least neutral throughout childhood and teen years since that’s all I felt was allowed without burdening others but it feels so good to just exist in whatever emotion feels natural. I actually like being sad now, it feels better then a forced cheery mood cause part of the human experience is to experience all emotions in my view
❤❤❤ Thank you, Daniel for validating our emotions, again and again! x
Excellent Daniel! Thanks!!
Lightbulb moment! You are so right!
My parents didn't allow us to show our anger, but they could thunder and rage at anything and anyone. Thank you for this ! All my life I was told I was wrong. Too sensitive, too negative, too sad, blah, blah, blah. This is a great message for people who weren't allowed to just be, without judgement. A little guidance would have helped, but from who ?
A person who cares about you
A parent who demands a relationship from their child only reveals the stark absence of it. "I suppose you don't love me!" "Why do you only remember the bad things!" Uncoupling shame from every emotion is a key step to recovery. Love yourself like they should have. You STILL do and always will deserve to be loved.
wish u all the best man.
I got stuck on the healing path and I didn’t know what to do nor did anyone else from what I know.
I was very afraid to become like the people who neglected me or abused me but had no way to skillfully deal with these feelings.
I’m still lost and afraid that it’s too late now.
The inner pressure is insane.
I hope I am still here and I can reconnect with my truth
Yeah that's when you need to develop positive goals for yourself - sitting in negativity isn't the only thing that will help you
@@WaddupBoi Thanks. You are right
Love the term "disassociative positivity." As a way to differentiate from healthy, grounded forms of positivity that can co-exist (within ourselves and in our actions) with the reality we are living in which is chockful of suffering and pain, but not exclusively so. I actually used to be called "fake" by my narc mother as a youth- especially when i was calm and at peace in my solitude, and sincerely kind to others. It bothered her I wasnt visibly miserable, agitated and mean like she was inside (she could act the charismastic charmer to outsiders on cue).
Anyway, I do get the point about getting pushback for being authentic and critical towards oppressive powers and the status quo. For this, my parents and peers have bullied and mocked me for- but it only underscores how i am on the correct path of resistance. Our capitalist society is predicated upon denial, comparison, competition and low self worth- all our systems including family and education is so steeped in this, it requires a high level of courage, emotional intelligence and critical awareness to lift this veil of delusion to ourselves and publicly. Hard not to feel down and depressed while doing so, but a very worthy effort still in my experience- even when it means losing some relationships.
That's what they do to perpetuate their power and abuse , thru gaslighting thx for shining the light on that stuff .
Yes, I've experienced the false positivity of so-called enlightened folks. I also have a dear friend who is permanently negative in that he makes negative, destructive comments regarding everything he sees and hears, but without putting anything constructive to replace what he has demolished. Unfortunately he is stuck in negativity without the ability to see the beauty of the world. The healthier mode is to experience both the light and the shade of life.
Enjoyed this one Daniel! I think the difference between expressing 'bad' emotions and blaming others for their "bad" emotions.
My dad treated me harshly because his own father was like that and according to him, he turned out fine. No he didn't. He gets mad real fast, can get physically and verbally abusive.
It's also one of the few ways of self-expression which is threatening to him since he was most probably stripped of self-expression as a child aswell.
negativity is appropriate, so banishing it is insanity. some might even call it mental illness
Yeah, society really is quite 🦇 💩 crazy, but it has been for as long as I know of. It seems as if there is no oasis of sanity or refuge for the individual to begin to acknowledge reality without the psycho-social beatings that keep one "in line" and amenable to further abuse. In short I strongly suspect that the madness is somehow written into the human condition and becomes activated with the formation of masses/society what-have-you.
@@vegetableautopsy3551
> the madness is somehow written into the human condition
It's not. it's all personality disorders and their effects on others.
Right on, brother. This is all very familiar.
A defender of the weak, a true soldier of justice ✊️❤️🩹
Who is weak?
Thank you for all the work you do. Came to this answer myself through a total collapse of the structure of my lies hiding my pain. It makes it really hard to look at the world some days, happy to see others who have braved the path and questioned the easy answers from the crowd. Lots of love here man, lots of love.
These Conversations Are Necessary And Validating.
Please Continue To Share.
And Thank You For Your Courage.
Defending difficult feelings is very legitimising - a beautiful thing that instead of blaming the individual for having these feelings, gives them the right to feel them.
But also, it's good to take another, bigger perspective view expressed in a Chinese proverb :
He who blames others has a long way to go.
He who blames himself is half way there.
He who blames no-one has already arrived.
It's always wrong to try to guess anyone's polarity (to call it negative) because that person might be having a very positive experience, actually. Negative, positive - that's judgement.
But I was a nihilist, only I never asked myself, why was I like that? until I reached middle age and then I knew. children just don't grow so hopeless without cause.
The message you share is an antidote to the ubiquitous positivity movement, where never a negative emotion can be expressed. Also, are these emotions even "negative"? Anger can galvanise us into action; bitterness may help us recognise abuse; sadness can help us grieve. These are all valid, important emotions. Feelings that are meant to be...felt. Thank you, Daniel, for speaking out amongst this crowd of positivity merchants. Your message about so-called negative emotions is supremely validating. That's the irony.
"Where ever there is anger, there is pain underneath."
excellent.
oh i am also a nihilist. i'm not that i'm sad or angry, i just genuinely don't think that anything has meaning besides what people attribute to it. many eyes of many beholders don't make opinion objective truth.
Edit: I love life and living too. i would genuinely be immortal if it were possible.
You spot it, you got it.
Hello!
Do I have responsibility to heal my parents? Thinking about this quote "save your father from the belly of the beast" - I feel like our relationsship (which is almost identical to what you are telling here) has no basis, there is no communication, just bitterness. I was in a dark place for a long time, it rubbed off on me, but now I feel like am coming out of this dark place and being reborn. Just yesterday I had a "healing" moment, I was pouring out my heart after realizing all the pain and bitterness this relationsship caused over the years. Man... healing is a journey.. it's a journey about discovering your truth.
Is this some thing like: first I need to heal myself then maybe I can think about healing others (but should I even think about investing energy into something that is broken.... the thing is I see a broken man hiding behind a facade and I would love to help him too... But at the end of the day the only thing you can truely change is yourself and your behaviour - which maybe is exactly the best way to initiate change.
Oh and... Thanks Daniel for all your content... Just lovely stuff man! All the best to you! You are a blessing!
Thank you for sharing your story. It's validating to hear from others who have had a similar journey and see that we are not alone.
Well! Am i glad to have found your channel. I'm currently binge watching your videos and so far every. one. hits. truthfully for me!!
Thanks, Daniel. You are a great guy and professional.
Thank you
I was always told I was too negative. 'Why does everything have to be negative with you?'
I used to say 'because you keep giving me things to be negative about'
They did. Alot of things. That got me hit. Alot.
In hindsight I realize my parents were beyond awful.
I hate my sister.
I'm sorry.
Thank you for this video.
Having lived half of my life with a person who did not allow me any negative emotions, I know first hand the effects of fake - toxic positivity in my soul and in my body (it 'kept the score"). He was always happy, never grieved even when seriously sad things happened. His moto is "Choose happiness. Happiness is a choice!"😁 Rejoice!!! But he is not really happy...
It was so vulnerable, gosh. Thank you so much!