Why Being "Nice" Leads To Rejection + What To Do Instead To Have The Relationship You Want
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- Опубліковано 17 лип 2022
- Learn why being "nice" can lead to rejection - PLUS how to stop being too nice so you can become more authentic and have the relationship you want - in this video with Clayton Olson and Helena Hart.
Sign up for Clayton's FREE webinar, "3 Keys To Being Relationship Ready: How Successful Women Find And Keep A High-Quality Man" here: becomingtheone.us/hh-co-ytvid
If you want to learn the secrets to attracting a high-quality man and inspiring his love, devotion and commitment, get my FREE "3 Keys To Attract The Man You Want" report and audio training here: helenahartcoaching.com/
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Sign up for Clayton's FREE webinar, "3 Keys To Being Relationship Ready: How Successful Women Find And Keep A High-Quality Man" here: becomingtheone.us/hh-co-ytvid
I have attended this webinar and found it very helpful and interesting but I couldn't get the link to work to sign up to the recommended course that followed.
I attended the webinar a second time and the same thing happened. Can you help?
You can send an email to clayton@claytonolsoncoaching.com if you’re having trouble signing up. Make sure to let him know you found him through this video! 💜
@@HelenaHartCoaching Thanks
Yes. Clayton helped sort out the issue so back on track.
@@coralmccrystal4606 You’re welcome! 💕
I'm too nice, give a lot, love a lot and give a lot of empathy. I always get rejected. This needs to stop.
Thanks for sharing your experience here, I know many people can relate.
Some of us like people like you unfortunately you haven't met someone who appreciates you yet
Same for me. I would love to meet a man like you (like myself). And you look so handsome. ☺️😘 We should connect.
Yes, we need to take care of ourselves and value ourselves first to ensure we don’t get taken for granted. Don’t be afraid to say no and walk away when needed. Respect yourself always!
Thanks for sharing your insights here! I talked more about that in my latest livestream: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
I feel the older I get my people pleasing becomes less of a thing. A friend of mine is “nice” but tends towards being “aggressive”whereas I find I can stay “nice” but also be “assertive” with my needs. 🌹
Thanks for sharing your experience here, Linda! 💞
I was exactly like this being too nice because I was naive and desperate for a relationship. I’ve met many guys over the years from my youth who seemed nice and romantic, making promises to take things further. When they stopped calling and texting, I continued contacting them, didn’t set boundaries and kept writing nice messages only for them to drift away and date other women who they eventually married. When I got into my first serious relationship and it was coming to an end I begged him not to leave me. By this time he’d been ghosting me for a month and didn’t seem to care about my feelings. I was too giving of time and energy and the guys picked this up. Now I’m different. I don’t go out of my way to be the only one initing messaging and calling. I’ve stopped contacting certain guys I now know. If they want to meet me or know how I’m doing they’d have to make an effort to call me first
Thanks for sharing your experience here! I know many people can relate. This video might also be helpful for future reference: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
Wow, you stated exactly what I’m dealing with…thank you for sharing your past experiences, I know I can be this strong too… Any helpful hints or advise from your point of view? To help me get started…
I wouldn't call it selfishness, for me the initial feeling is fear. Fear of being not accepted, fear of left out of love, fear of abuse. Fear of abandoment. I act out of fear of not being good enough.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! I just published a new video with Clayton that might be helpful for you: ua-cam.com/video/8P32rpdllNo/v-deo.html
Nobody should ever come before your self-respect, dignity & integrity, period. You can be nice & kind naturally, but never get taken advantage of. If you are doing all of the giving & the person is a taker, that's when you know it's time to exit ...😉
Thanks for sharing your insights here, Trisha! My latest livestream should also be helpful for anyone in a situation like that: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
Thank you, I really needed a reminder to stop putting men first and make sure I am meeting my own needs first. Everything else should then fall into place. Xxx
You’re welcome! 💗 I just published a new video with Clayton that should also be helpful - here’s the link if you’d like to check it out: ua-cam.com/video/8P32rpdllNo/v-deo.html
You’re saying some people are pretending to be nice. I’ve met people like that. I know I’m not one of them. I choose to be nice but not as a people pleaser. There are rude people out there. I don’t like to be rude but I let a person know where I stand and express to that person what I don’t like how they’re behaving towards me. I stay away from people like that.
yes, I think thats a great distinction. You're nice from choice, not fear. 🙏
Yes - thanks for sharing, Sara! 💞
Perfect timing.. after 8 weeks away , he called but talked about his things and never even asked “how are you”? I shall have to think…
That’s not a relationship, you should be dating other men.
You don't need to think; you already know the answer.
Yes, thank you so kind of you to give me you advice ..
You are not his therapist. Stay away from such people, even if they are friends and family. Much love
Great video from two of my favorite coaches! It's so important to avoid anger and resentment in a relationship. Some women are so afraid to speak up and they'll then be rejected. Guess what? If he rejects you when you're authentic and honest, he's not your guy!
Thanks for sharing your insights here, Lisa! ❤️ This episode on how to stop walking on eggshells might be helpful for anyone who can relate to that: ua-cam.com/video/k91OWVB_O9o/v-deo.html
I was dumped a week ago by someone who "needs space" but thinks I'm the "most beautiful soul she's ever met".. so yeah. Suffering Nice Guy here :(
I do hope you overcome your heart broke but stay away from people who don't know what they want in life they will only hurt you because they not contented they looking for greener pastures be strong and move on never look back shit happens.
Thanks for sharing your experience here, sorry to hear you just went through that.
"Less course corrective measures". The guy is truly priceless. Good job by the interviewer as well
Appreciate that.
Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it.
This video made me look inside myself so hard that it hurt. But this is truth and I love it. Thank you for sharing this with us ❤
You’re welcome! I’m glad it resonated with you.
One of your very best presentations EVER, Helena! Really learned a great deal from both you and Clayton. THIS, is my family of origin; living on eggshells and unvalued. No longer. ❤️🙏🤔
Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it! These videos might also be helpful (the second one is about how to stop walking on eggshells with people in your life): ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html and ua-cam.com/video/k91OWVB_O9o/v-deo.html.
This describes me to a T!!!!❤❤
This was me so long ago. What Clayton said is spot on. You want to be kind not “nice.”
Yes, thanks for sharing! My latest livestream might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
@@HelenaHartCoaching awesome! I will check it out
Hope you enjoy it! 💕
I need to watch this multiple times this rings so true for me on so many levels
Happy to hear that.🙏
I’m glad it resonated with you! My latest livestream might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
Thank you so much for this gem ! It make realize why I always felt so much anger bottled up inside me. I always try to put my needs and feelings last and accommodate other people’s needs and emotions first. This resentment always leads me to snap at the same people I tried to go above and beyond after feeling like I can’t take it no more. This gives me so much insight on my road to authenticity. Thank you!!!
You’re welcome, Maria! Thanks so much for sharing your experience here. My last two livestreams might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html and ua-cam.com/video/rRfg2zzkiQc/v-deo.html.
The word "selfish" is a major negative; fulfilling our own needs to create a well rounded, empowered and healthy wellbeing is by no means selfish, and is quite the opposite. Feeling content, charged and strong realises a person able to be kind and compassionate for self and others, without being drained and exhausted in doing so.
beautifully said!
Yes, thanks for sharing your insights here! 💞
Thank you Helena!Thank you Clayton! This is a great discussion⭐️I am a recovering nice person. Listening to this is teaching me something valuable on many levels of being. I am sure many people in my life are also very grateful🙏
You’re welcome! ❤️ These videos might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html and ua-cam.com/video/rRfg2zzkiQc/v-deo.html.
I really love to hear you and Clayton speak, and both of you are bang on about the antidote to being nice is kibdness and in targeting the difference between the two. Clayton is always so insightful. However, it is extremely important to point of that being ' too nice' is a trauma response stemming from abandonnement and rejection issues often formed in early childhood. Working through these issues takes time and effort and a determination to change. It is a process that needs to be worked through with a therapist, practitioner, someone experienced in the inner work it takes to heal. It isn't something you just snap your fingers and decide to do. Obviously you can have a rapud breakthrough depending on the situation but it takes work for sure.
Thanks Stephanie! Yes, I talked more about that in this video: ua-cam.com/video/NNjJCM5Fz0s/v-deo.html
Wow this explains so much! Pretty sure my being nice has created toxic environments for me in every relationship I’ve had and I always that was the one thing holding them together 🤦♀️
Thanks so much for sharing your experience here! I know many people can relate. My latest livestream should also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
Wow this was fantastic! So comprehensive thank you🙏🏽🥰
You’re welcome, I’m glad you enjoyed it! My latest livestream might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
Thank you, beautiful conversation.
You’re welcome! Here’s the latest video I recorded with Clayton if anyone would like to check it out: ua-cam.com/video/8P32rpdllNo/v-deo.html
I ❤️ this - it's funny how I just released a video surrounding this topic and you popped up in my feed.
Great content!
Thank you! My latest livestream might also be helpful for anyone who’s in a situation like this: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
Wow!! BEST videos I’ve seen on not only relationships but also self love! Thank you so much! I really really needed this! It’s extremely difficult to change after 30 years of being too nice. Your both amazing!!!
You’re welcome! ❤️ I just recorded a new video with Clayton that I’ll be posting soon, and in the meantime these ones might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html, ua-cam.com/video/rRfg2zzkiQc/v-deo.html and ua-cam.com/video/CSvHan3u8s8/v-deo.html.
@@HelenaHartCoaching I’ll definitely check them out! Thank you Helena!
You’re welcome! I just published that new video today - here’s the link if you’d like to check it out: ua-cam.com/video/8P32rpdllNo/v-deo.html
The words that Clayton speaks are so vivid and transparent, it is possible to access the deep truth that sustains them, and they are made even stronger by Helena's careful attention. Really beautiful and amazing video. Thank you so much!!! 💕💕💕💕
Thank you for such a poetic reflection!
You’re welcome, I’m glad you enjoyed it! My latest livestream might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
@@claytonolsoncoaching Thank you!! ❤
@@HelenaHartCoaching Thank you, Helena ❤❤❤❤
Powerful video! So glad I found this video. New sub!
I’m glad you enjoyed it! 💜 My latest livestream might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
Great video
Thank you! 💕
This was brilliant! Totally gonna own my selfishness instead of masking it ❤️ thanks!
You’re welcome, I’m glad you enjoyed it! My latest livestream might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
@@HelenaHartCoaching congratulations on your pregnancy!!! You guys are gonna be amazing parents. What a cool souls to have picked you guys to be their parents ❤️
I struggle so much with all of this. Very well said, they both are great and really make you think. Thank y’all for this video, made me have to take a deep dive into myself. Very helpful!
Me too Neda Lisa, big time girlfriend 😑😔🙄
You’re welcome! ❤️ My latest livestream might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html
@@natashasenos7488 we can change for the better! I’m rooting for you girl!
@@HelenaHartCoaching thank you I love watching your videos, very helpful! Thank you so much and I’ll definitely check that out!
Thank you
You’re welcome! These videos might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html and ua-cam.com/video/rRfg2zzkiQc/v-deo.html.
oh Helena, you and your community have encourage me! all this long, when i stay true to myself and have selflove, people around me think am selfish, too high standard with no emphaty to others. like, there is a guy from other town introduced to me but never contact me in private. He will come to my house without notice, talk about his rude ex most of the time or show off his parent business. and his fam also come one day, without notice, ask me to go out at my work time (and let my fam take over my work). BUT my fam think am rude for reject that! that i need to consider that his mom (older people) who ask me and consider that they from other town make effort to come. i cant believe my own fam think am rude and not them! also another case another person i got introduced, we talk quite good that first time. but after that he NEVER contact me. am chill. BUT my fam ask me to contact him first! like a friend they said. then i did once and he replied but its not continued. so after a while, my fam find a reason to invite him come again. He come and we chat an hour for politeness. the next day and after no contact from him so my fam stop urge me. I feel like MY FAM want me to be easy and desperate just for the sake of wedding! i cant believe i have this people as fam.... they dont believe that what they ask me did all this time (with many more men introduced to me) only led me get rejected by them! thats because my fam get married easily by matchmaking in one time and live their married life quite good so they dont know how men really like and why am so 'demanding'. now i must stand for myself. please whoever read this comment, please pray for me so i can keep my happy life and work on my feminin energy without their nag and curse.... thank u.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! Sorry to hear you’re going through this. ❤️
Yes more more please
I’ll keep that in mind for future videos, thanks for the suggestion! In the meantime, these ones should be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html and ua-cam.com/video/rRfg2zzkiQc/v-deo.html.
This is so profound.
It also shows why the guys went off the deep end wjth bad behavior because when they showed us bad behavior, and they got a yes from us (even if it was a suppressed no), then we reinforced their bad behavior because they saw it as a yes to bad behavior. How I tend to think is I was taught to behave and treat others with respect and have a compass inside me of doing that because its the right thing to do, love not showing based on that belief so I tend to be guided by that but if a guy is going by the yes or no and being taught how to behave in a relationship kindof primitively, then whether its right or wrong they are just following that "system".
It made sense when I flipped the scenario to the other side.
Maybe thinking this way and understanding my inauthenticness, I can find a way to better forgive. Its been eating me alive for 2 years. I am still strugging with all that this narcopath did to me and sometimes grieving them, and sometimes still miss them but hurt and anger. But if I can see way not to excuse what he did but to see how I could have at least prevented it if Id been able to do this, helps me. Im hoping I can continue to do this going forward in all my relationships. Dometimes it gets hard because I dont want to upset someone or hurt their feelings, or worse. I also grew up with a narcissistic dad and I went into all my jobs and relationships feeling subservient to everyone and trying to be nice all the time and well behaved like I had to be at home and then found that Id get treated so badly all the time and didnt understand why because I was nice. And if I ever tried to be authentic and real I was worried about what theyd think because if I did sometimes Ididnt get a good epsonsr or people think in being awful so I suppressed my feelings about things that werent ok with me because I want to be liked. I need to find a way to be real about things and kind at the same time. Its hard when emptions are strong.
Tested and trusted 👍👍👍👍👍👍
Tested and trusted 👍👍👍👍👍👍
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and insights here, Christina! ❤️ These videos might also be helpful for anyone who can relate: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html, ua-cam.com/video/rRfg2zzkiQc/v-deo.html and ua-cam.com/video/kcG-Utr3DpQ/v-deo.html.
Love your hair color Helena !
Thank you! 💖 I’m actually pregnant so I haven’t been able to color my hair for awhile.
@@HelenaHartCoaching congratulations !!❤️❤️ no worries it looks very good!
Thanks Sharon! 💕
Gold 💗
Thank you! 💛 These videos might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html and ua-cam.com/video/rRfg2zzkiQc/v-deo.html.
Myself and children comes frist every one else after I pay my own bills so I don't have to please people but myself.
Thanks for sharing, Leslyn! 💞
I got rejected today it’s painful
Thankyou😢
You’re welcome, sorry to hear you just went through that. ❤️ The episode I published yesterday might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/tC3GHtPkzII/v-deo.html
If a man after 8 mos pulls away after mixed signals, should I tell him how his actions made me feel in a kind but firm way? I struggle between losing my dignity by letting him have the ego boost knowing I cared for him vs needing to get it off my chest rather than being silent while he loses interest. Which also makes me look submissive by not calling out the mixed signals. So act like I don’t care to retain my power or voice my thoughts to retain my power?
If a man pull away himself for eight months its clearly he is not interested in you ...you needs to be strong and back off move on he is taking you for a ride be strong and tell yourself you deserve better don't call him don't engage him when he call back you can tell him how you feel but forget him he is not in love with you men chase after when they want I am sure he is chasing after someone who don't need him and when she's not studying him that's when he running back to you ..cut him off he don't mean you no good that's the mistake women are making allowing these men to be romantic scammers.
@@leslynconnell2206 no, he didn’t pull away for 8 mos. we saw each other for 8 mos and then he recently started pulling away
Well in that case you have to ask him what he really dealing with is either he want you or he don't want you action speaks louder than voice depends on his answers if he do give you a answer you will know how to move if he don't reply it means he is not interested and you must not push it whatever the results is take it be very strong and be wiser with the next person take time to know him .. do not fall in love ..stand up in love and always remember when you have a plan the other person have one as well so be smart as not to get hurt again .
@@AD-hh6dd if he's pulling away after that amount of time together... and not giving you any explanations, then mirror his actions. Do t complain to him... I'd give him the space to show you if he's really interested in what you want. Don't contact him at all..... Let him get scared he could lose you or think you have lost interst in him. When a girl chases the guy, he loses attraction for her, as it cheapens her. Hope this helps. xx
@@danicaharley6273 thank you Danica! It did. I almost caved and called him out just to get closure. I’m looking at it as a display of disinterest and a sign I need to move on. I think his lack of initiating contact is telling me what I need to know.
'covert contracts'
Ultra good
Thank you! These videos might also be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/fiD8_uq6hPc/v-deo.html and ua-cam.com/video/rRfg2zzkiQc/v-deo.html.
Thank u helena. Many blessings for you and your baby
You’re welcome! ❤️
Tested and trusted 👍👍👍👍👍👍
Fear and hurt,
H helena i i have bit of worry about my ex friend morgan from high school he was causing me upset and he staying i am crazy and hassling him i am worry if morgan try get revenge on me for all things that happen what do i do about it. Ps my mum text him to tell stop textimg me and but i have sent him voice mails my mums know that too and he keep saving girls school uniform and then turn rude ans swear at me for telling him that my mum will be telling his mum.
What if I am nice in nature, should I try to twist towards being more of a bitter side?
Definitely not! That’s exactly what we talk about in this video, especially towards the end. 💜
@@HelenaHartCoaching you are soooo awesome, thank you so much for what you did! YOU SAVE MY LIFE especially the last few videos about man pulling away and how to brought him back, those are so powerful and I use it, very impactful. I am listening to this video still, thank you for your education all of us women ❤️🙏😍😘
You’re very welcome, I’m happy to hear that! Hope you enjoy the video. 💗
You Tube always ..
Okay question... If you were dating someone and weren't authentic at first and too nice out of fear can you turn that relationship around now that you have that authenticity.
.and is the guy out of authenticity...denying the kind and loving potential within him?
👏👏💕
People usually sense quid pro quo...
Yes, thanks for sharing! 💞
@helenahart @alexmormont @matthewhussay please can you elaborate the layers why some girls have never been asked on a date even though they’re attractive, other than being nice
This video might help give you some clarity (especially the “attainability principle”): ua-cam.com/video/wdbcNKDeiUE/v-deo.html
@@HelenaHartCoaching thanks for the reply 🌞
You’re welcome! 💕