Do You Get Triggered When Giving Validation?
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- Опубліковано 28 тра 2024
- Original Role-play:
• 7 Types Of Invalidatin...
In this video we cover: validation, role-plays, role-play, rp, roleplay, therapy, healing, self-healing, journaling ,toxic relationships, triggers, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, assertion, mind reading, moods, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, NPD, BPD, dysfunctional family
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
4:41 Validation in the Dysfunctional Family System
8:02 Triggers in Giving Validation
12:22 Giving Validation Triggers - Chart
14:37 Connect With Me
15:26 How to Work on Giving Healthy Validation
15:48 How to Work on Giving Healthy Validation - Journal Prompt #1
17:13 How to Work on Giving Healthy Validation - Journal Prompt #2
17:42 How to Work on Giving Healthy Validation - Journal Prompt #3
19:29 How to Work on Giving Healthy Validation - Journal Prompt #4
20:27 Final Thoughts
21:02 Outro
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Intro video - Castle Island, Boston, MA
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My parents made me feel ashamed and guilty whenever I was sad, so if I saw someone cry, I would pretend not to see it, because I felt that was much kinder than shaming them the way I had been. I couldn't understand why people thought I was cold when I was genuinely trying to be kind! I was well into my late 20s before I discovered that "comforting" people was even a thing.
Oh my, this is me too! What an eye opening experience it was when I realised what I was doing wrong.
I‘ve learned that I must validate everyone else but myself. All narcissists like me.
Never thought my being a terrible shoulder to cry on was directly connected to childhood. I feel impossibly guilty for not being able to solve someone’s problems, so I ALWAYS offer advice upfront. My parents ALWAYS offered advice upfront without addressing emotions, ever. I can’t believe I didn’t see this connection before. Thank you again for shedding light on the confusion.
My family (siblings left) do not tolerate anything I say looking for and often finding offense. Then without communicating, other than perhaps a scowl or sarcastic vague comment, a triangulation occurs and I am CUT OFF. Nothing I do is acceptable or valued enough to be worth keeping me around. I Feels like this consistent stiff arming and offense taking behavior basically a way to avoid engaging/taking no responsibility. I’m careful in family social situations to step lightly fairly superficial but unless I’m only listening to bragging and random stories or admiring my sisters especially any extended family members kids/grandkids they’d be fine if I weren’t there. One sister recently looped in her adult children against me for a verbal slip which wasn’t at all about badmouthing anyone - but struggling to understand how our family trauma and use of substances were connected. This sibling even called my adult son and raged about how “bad and mean I was betraying confidences”. I had been talking to my son about HIS issues with alcohol and how alcoholism or substance abuse could skip generations. There are several adult children in our families who are struggling with various substances. He had been communicating separately with my sisters daughter about their issues. That got back to my sister along with me talking to my own son about it. Everyone knows who is struggling. I don’t get it other than she was stewing about some out of proportion offense and latched onto this weaponizing both kids and setting herself and daughter up as victims and me up as a vicious gossip betraying people. My son was shocked by the overblown accusations and reaction - even wondering how she got his phone number since she had never called him before. He didn’t buy her story fortunately, because he has a different experience of me and knew I had no bad intent talking about addiction issues and how our family has been affected. This sister was the Golden Child and craves dominance. Also hypersensitive and sees everyone through a negative lens. She has successfully triangulated the text the family and makes it uncomfortable enough I can’t relax and don’t enjoy being around her. It’s like a family mobbing. To be comfortable around her and perhaps hold their own resentments, they have hopped onto the scapegoat train bringing all of their extended family with-she is successfully excommunicating me. Of course I’m cooperating. One sister claims I should just ignore her contempt and stonewalling pretending all is fine. Another fawns and suggests I’m just a difficult person for not being acceptable enough for whatever reason. She doesn’t want to deal with a reason. They literally sat in a threesome ignoring me the last time I showed up for a niece baby shower. Weirdest thing is hearing one sister complaints for years about being not accepted, scapegoated, left out by mom and grandma having favorites and being critical, a sister I had been supporting naming her abuse and pain, seems to be absolutely delighted to participate in this mean spirited triangle.
I have been quietly working on how to be with all of this dysfunctional family relationship stuff. Tried to ignore it, then understand it, then fix me to adapt, then fix and mend family connections trying to bridge relationships. Co-dependent driven I guess. My illusions are no longer protecting me. It feels over. My inner child feels devastated and grieving. My adult self is exhausted and unwilling to tolerate being treated like this. Clear they are more committed to misunderstanding me and continue the dominance outrage toxic triangle game. Sad reality.
@@llkellenba I can definitely relate to your experiences w your family...I'm glad that your son was able to see the out of proportion reactions and discounting from your siblings. Like you, my inner child is deeply hurt and grieving. My 2 siblings are extremely reactive, hypersensitive and adding religion to the mix faking righteousness. The hardest realization is that my mother, seemingly neutral, is actually complicit.
I was the oldest of my siblings and at age 6 I was a latchkey child taking care of my sister, age 3, while my mother worked. I wrote out checks for rent, utilities, etc. I read and translated my mother's mail but was unable to explain into Spanish. That was upsetting and frustrating to my mother as her tone and the eye contact seemed to me that I irritated and disappointed her.
My parents moved out of state a month ago along with my sister and her extended family, especially the great grandchildren. My mother asks about me via 3 aunts but has not made any attempts to contact me directly.
My mother witnessed a group of family (mob mentality) purposely block my exit, bait me, video record, then 3 males physically held me down pretending I was going to attack my sister bc I reached and open hand to block the light from her cellphon. My nephews pregnant wife took advantage to throw items at me, missing and hitting her husband, his nose cut and bleeding, then immediately blame me, then grab me by the hair. Her husband told her at least 3 times to let me go. It wasn't until I began screaming and stating that I was being assaulted and was calling police that they finally let me go. I did call 911 and only then was the driveway immediately unblocked..they lied to the police and singled me out as problematic. They even told the deputy that my car registration was not up to date. All this took place on my mother's property. Days later she just said to me via FB Messenger. "I begged you not to say anything but you didn't listen.." My siblings don't speak to me so my mother was acting as the messenger girl while on her own property. My mother claims she never spoke to the deputy but I was told by him that my parents didn't want me to return to the property. Apparently my siblings speak for my parents.
@@majecal1818 sounds very abusive. Family may not have skills or capacity to work on their issues and do right, so puts it on us more aware or upset ones to do the work. Some grieving and distance are usually part of it. I wish you strength and persistence to look after your own recovery and needs. 🥰
R T, I relate to that. Getting drowned in advice and then feeling like I wasn't heard, and now I'm trying to be a better listener to others.
Best wishes mate. You got this.
“Getting out of the situation ASAP for fear of being trapped in their emotional pain” ……my mind is blown right now so succinctly that sums it up for me 😳
"Validation is mostly about seeing the person and acknowledging the person in a good enough way ..." Very insightful and helpful. Thank you Patrick.
I learned how to "be" when I went to college. I recommend that everyone w a toxic family get the f out of there and find a new pack. I met and saw normal people and I began to mimic them up. Over the years, I filtered things and I'm growing into my own, I'm 29 😬 kinda late but it's right on time for me! I'm enjoying getting to know me
That last sentence makes me very happy for you.
So happy for you at 29, to have figured out what took me till 40's plus to see. But, we did figure this out. Take care, ALL OF US.!!
29 is not late!
I’m 24 and the pandemic has forced me to see how toxic my family is. I’m glad Ive gotten to this point and now I have to figure out how ill get out of here and manage my anxiety around people 😮💨
Well good for you. No other "pack" ever accepted me. I'm a lone wolf now and don't like people.
When I was still around my mother, she would complain during her rampages that I wasn't "there for her" because I wouldn't match her high emotions. I dissociated A LOT. As an adult trying to learn what is "normal" and "healthy," I started and still to an extent over-relate. Then the shame storm happens.
Wowww...this whole video is triggering to me! I would have DIED if during group therapy I gave validation incorrectly and the group had to talk about it! Your 20-year-old self is stronger than me!
Please do a video on getting triggered when RECEIVING validation too! It happens to me all the time
Yes!!! Same here :(
Validation, compliments and praise are triggers
Oh I never thought about this before but yeah, compliments make me uncomfortable! Do you know why they trigger you? For me, I think my mom tends to compliment me in a sort of sarcastic way. Plus she told me growing up that compliments come with an ulterior motive (like the person is trying to butter you up for something). Ugh.. so much to unlearn!!
Same. ☺️
LOL, that's what the original video is about - the roleplay. ua-cam.com/video/8MMe7NIKZgc/v-deo.html
I have the same. I was conditioned to solve people's emotional problems. It physically hurts me when people are out of whack emotionally. I feel like I am ignorant if I am not helping, regardless of how I feel myself. For me it was a survival mechanism as my mom was emotionally unstable, screaming all the time, crying all the time. Anger and sadness were daily routine. Expressed against me all the time. So I try to put out the fire before it gets too big.
wow thanks for sharing something so personal with us!!
Well, my father's reaction to my divorce from man who's not wealthy :
-I told you not to marry that man (he didn't tell that, btw), but you were so... stupid. Now you totally deserve what you get. Actually you have it too good. You deserve much worse for stupid decision you made 10 years ago. I told you so ( he didn't, but if I read his mind, I would know).
My father's reaction to m sister's divorce from wealthy man:
- I told you so ( he didn't) to take better care of him. Who cooks oatmeal for breakfast? For a man? How stupid you must be not understanding simple things? Now you deserve what you get! It's your fault for destroying your life and everything I sacrificed to raise you. You're so ungrateful!
It's so painful to be only critiqued by a parent that doesn't allow you to make mistakes and own them. It's hard for them to comfort because they don't know how to do it or why. Sometimes I want to put words in their mouth: now say this instead of this, why is it that hard? These instances get so emotional that it's challenging to contain yourself and not burst out. I hope you find love and comfort!
@@vg7985 dang man. i mean wtf??? i came here to reply to someone else but you got my attention fast. I can't change anything and this information won't change your father but it may explain something. if it's true you can at least go "OH that's what it is" and that's about it, but it's Something, ya know? Narcissists LOVE antagonizing people into REACTING. They simply LOVE to make people react, well, not PEOPLE but only YOU!. You are probably not the first born bc that is the golden who can do no wrong, you'd be the scapegoat, the black sheep. Who is actually STRONG enough to carry all the shit the family throws on you. They look GREAT in comparison and it was you that helped them and they are not even aware. The laypersons definition about liking attention and lack of empathy is not why narcissists are grouped w psycho and sociopaths. Narcs kill you on the inside;they kill your spirit. It's about stealing your happiness and ENJOYING your energy they steal from your body. I take back what I said earlier. Whether he IS OR IS NOT no longer matters. ok WE have your problem w your did solved. ok? READY? Here: make this THE GAME when you're around him or on phone. KNOW he is going to try and CAUSE you to react. Right? YOUR ONLY JOB THE ENTIRE DAY IS TO CATCH HIM TRYING TO DO IT. PRETEND there's a MILLION dollars on the line if you can CATCH him doing it. Practice, bc the first few times we are just so stuck in OLD PATTERNS and habits we fall for it. REMEMBER ANGER IS YOUR RED FLAG that he is TRYING to GET YOU. ANGER = STOP and breath and OBSERVE his game of stealing your energy bc you just got depleted. You'll get better like i did. BUT when you SEE it just know that he is trying to manipulate you into reacting and smile, and say I SEE YOU COMING NOW, I see what your trying to do. And IVE DECIDED TO KEEP MY ENERGY TODAY. i need my energy and you can't have any bc this is not your circus and i'm not giving you a free monkey. If it ain't here, It ain't here. (confronting him like that is going to throw him off balance, the 2 bullshit remarks at the end are meant to TKO him bc they DO seem to make sense but he will just not be abe to manouver while trying to make sense of them. This allows you the few extra seconds to say all the stuff you'll find to say bc he's hung up bc he can't make sense of the second thing until the first one is answered and there is just no getting around the monkey thing.)
Could be your an empath, or a highly sensitive person. Empath is more clear and answers a lot of questions you didn't even know you had. Check it out and if it's true Welcome !
Another thing I struggle with is-- giving people validation just hurts. Like for some reason, the act of it just physically pains me, i think more than the fact that theyre in pain. It's hard to explain. EVen when its friends and I want to make them feel better. It just hurts, and I'm not sure why.
I'm really sorry you feel that way. Maybe you feel like it's a betrayal against yourself bc you weren't validated when you needed it yourself?
I feel this
Maybe you lack the words or they sound meaningless. I mean, since you are not used to being validated, to you it feels like "fake" any validation you may give.
I always feel terrible in funerals; no matter what I say (even if is such a short sentence as "sorry for your loss") sounds fake to me because I know that I can't suffer that loss the same since I wasn't as attached to that person or didn't know the deceased. I think that is because since we didn't receive validation or it was too poor, we don't know how to do it properly without feeling it artificial. Whatever we are not used to do because we didn't experience it on our own can feel weird.
I think it hurts because we have to do something that was never done for us and it feels so deeply unfair. But we also feel guilt for having those feelings when we should care about our friends. Idk, thats how I feel.
Growing up with extremely toxic parents and family that couldn't see, I now have children and see their friends who have devaluing/punishment heavy/non present parents. I find myself wanting to validate these kids and feeling triggered all at the same time which makes me wonder how I come across. Just so ingrained! Thank you Patrick. You touch on the best topics!
You bring up something I hadnt thought if before in regards to interaction with kids. I always find myself trying hard to be honest, open, kind and interested in what children have to say. To me it feels like kids are frequently dismissed, ignored or told to be quiet, when all they want to do is have some positive attention and share things theyre excited about with you. I keep trying to give them what I didnt get as a kid.
For example: I visited a friend (pre-covid) who has a young kid. She's a hard working mom, but often wants quiet time after work so tells her kid to play in his room on his own. While I was there, he kept bringing toys and hobby stuff out to show me, and was telling me about his interests. His mom kept trying to get him back to his room, apologizing to me for him being so talkative and interrupting my visit with her. To me, he was just craving attention, and I was perfectly fine, happy even, to listen to him and ask him questions back. I felt bad that he wasnt getting the validation from his mom.
I I grew up with a very toxic very dysfunctional family. My Granmothrr and mother who I say we're like the low rent grey gardens. I have no idea how to act with kids and now I'm 57 and wish I had gotten any kind of therapy when I was younger.
@@missleemarie3 omg! I do the same thing with kids! I also feel genuinely horrible if my attention does divert away from them to something else.
@@missleemarie3 :( You just described me as a kid. I'd always bring out things to show any visitors and then be told to be quiet and not annoy people.
❤️❤️❤️
I've come to see that my underlying disposition is "please love me" and it goes through every interaction. Like overly identifying wanting to fix people being the therapist it's often about me and not about me seeing them as much as I hate to admit that I have that tendency and its really not fair of me to load a person who is struggling with that expectation.
Its awesome that you figured that out about yourself. Not everyone does. Realizing that about yourself is the NUMBER ONE sign you are not and will not become a narcissist. Keep self reflecting! But also, remember to love yourself, to accept yourself, flaws and mistakes and all, you are worthy of love despite having this damage!
I do that too and it makes me feel bad. I don't get to really talk about how I feel in my life whatsoever on a regular basis. I went a decade ignoring and shutting out everything because bringing up to my mom was futile and it's far too horrendous to ever be an appropriate conversation topic with friends or acquaintances. When I do genuinely get the chance to relate to someone using my own personal stories I think I tend to go overboard and it suddenly becomes about me. Not because I don't understand or empathize with what someone else is going through, but rather I seize the opportunity to talk about myself for once in my life. I reckon it's very invalidating for the other person to have their moment and the conversation which SHOULD be about them suddenly be about me. I want to change that. I want to be better.
Someone disclosed to me today that their family pet passed away, and I was just worrying about how I didn’t respond “perfectly” when this video showed up. So I’m very grateful for that last bit. I was originally going to send them an apology for how I responded, but instead I’m going to follow up letting them know they can share about their pet with me any time they need to. Thank you so much for this video ☺️
Yes! Please let them share, offer a space to vent. My 8yo cat died a few months ago and except my partner, I had nobody to talk about. My best friend was dismissing me that the cat had a good life, move on. Even my husband was mocked at work for crying after a cat. All I wanted to do was talk about her, reminisce, consolidate the memory, not let her slip into nothingness.
i hope you feel better. a pet means so much more to some people and i recognize you are self reflecting. i couldn't help but notice that they no longer have a pet to share w you so...?
@@stevenhoog1 share memories
@@silentladyd This may be a wrong way to validate and comfort, but I still want to say that the way you talk about your cat shows that he/she was deeply loved and because of that must have been a happy cat, happier than most, perhaps.
@@jolandak8556 I know people say things like that as a show of kindness or because they don't know what else to say but that's not the way to validate people's pain. People are grieving the loss of a loved one be it people or pets, it's a process they need to work through and part of that is feeling the pain and wanting to talk about the lost love. All you have to do is say your sorry for their loss and listen while they talk. Others often avoid talking or asking about the lost loved one thinking they are sparing the others more pain but not acknowledging the lost love one to them feels like they never existed. It's not something you truly understand until it's your own grief.
These hit home for me. I get frustrated with people for not seeing the bigger picture in life, but who am I to judge what is traumatic? I hate the fact that I compare others’ trauma to my own, especially after my brother died last November. Ugh. I know I shouldn’t I judge people for their emotions about things that I think I’m “above” being upset about. I feel like a narcissistic asshole, yet I still have these feelings when others get upset around me.
Sorry for your loss. And don't feel like a narc, you went through a lot of pain.
I have a similar struggle. Recently I went through one of the darkest rough patches I've endured yet, and noticed how mean, judgmental or dismissive I wanted to be towards others especially when they were venting, bc I wasn't giving myself any permission to feel and vent. I couldn't without fully losing it. felt like an asshole and isolated.
I didn't and still don't feel right about complaining bc in the bigger picture others are always going through something that makes your problems pale in comparison. But dissociating from emotions isn't any good either. I think it's the human condition that it takes time to figure out how to bear our problems and respond to others with grace. I hope we can find kindness for ourselves.
My mom goes “over the top” with caring and it gets on a person’s nerves. (It can rub me the wrong way. )I think it is a way she makes it about herself because she is not happy unless she has some problem to fix. She seems to not allow herself to just… ah, breathe and enjoy life.
Growing up, if I ever questioned my mom about the way things were done and my dad were to hear or observe… look out! He would lay into me, in my face yelling.
We must have the same mother!
My dad had more problems by noon than most people have all year. He's a narcissist i found out at age 52 and I was a very conscious person I just didn't know they caused people to react negatively and steal my joy. and make it about them, again, but mostly they hurt you on the inside. kills your spirit.
your mom sounds a bit like me, unfortunately. I was the oldest of 4 in a twice divorced household that moved all the time.. I was taught my only value was in helping my emotionally crazy mom and the other kids, so, it's been difficult to find my own space of being without that caretaking, which was the only space I had any power at all. Also, I guess because of my mom's always over the top emotional state, no one else was allowed any emotions at all.. not even when dad moved out and we didn't see him for years. It was a hard to breathe childhood, and breathing still doesn't come easy.
@@mybiz1006 So sorry that you had these tough events occur. I wish you peace and I hope you can begin finding things you enjoy doing for you. Thank you for your insight.
Oh, my family, especially my mother, invalidated everything. No exceptions.
I definitely get an imposter syndrome feeling from copying healthy communication skills from others, but yes, I feel it's better to try and mirror positive communication than toxic communication.
I also definitely have an issue going overboard or underboard with validation with others. I fortunately don't get triggered around validation - I think that's because I did have other supports besides my mother growing up, which was awesome. What also helps me is seeing healthy validation happening or thinking back to when I received validation that felt good.
I had to laugh when you said: "Spending 90% of my subconscious energy trying to not be like my parents". You totally get it! 😆
“My mom was a time bomb and my job was to kinda contain it.” 🤯 Such an great way to put it, so relatable!
I was the parentified and spousified HSP-child in a family with emotionally and often physically unavailable parents. My mother shut me down, invalidated my feelings, constantly criticised me and put me down. My father was less explicit but didn’t protect me and sometimes joined in. Basically, my mother was a bully and my father enabled her. When I was in pain, I was ridiculed and told that I was too sensitive. But I was also punished for protesting and showing anger or blame.
I’ve often wondered why I feel so uncomfortable when I’m around someone who is in pain. I’ve considered whether I was reluctant to give others the validation they need because I somehow begrudge them the attention I never received. That then opened me up to another inner critic attack, telling myself that I was selfish, uncharitable and unkind.
Thank you, Patrick, for this wonderful video. You’ve helped me see that giving validation is a huge trigger for me. Knowing this, I will be able to view myself in a more compassionate light and that will eventually help me be more present for loved ones who are in need of validation.
ETA: I have wanted to support your channel for awhile now. This video got me to go to Patreon and make it happen.
I must admit I'm still quite disorganized at giving validation. My usual response for the most part of my life was getting angry when people didn't "suck up" their problems, that's what was modeled at home. Some other times I get bossy and tell people what should they do; in other cases, I'm super absorbed by the problem and feel like falling in spiral. I'm happy that I'm getting better at it, though.
We can get better at this though.
With practice 🙏
yep - a good idea to see it better is we can't measure others by OUR yardstick. be simpler. im glad your interested in yourself. i think when its all said and done, i think it comes down to how we treated eachother. good luck.
oh same, my response can really vary. If it's an experience I've been through but that I have a little distance from I can be properly validating but a lot of time I'm more ''well take two nurofen and go to bed'' or ''listen to a youtube anti anxiety meditation'' and then that's it, I feel done. I don't know what else to give.
Hey, It's a huge step forward that you are even aware you struggle with these things and are working to get better. It's difficult to recognize unhealthy habits and to change them. That's all we can do is our best. You're doing great!
Me too! God I feel like such an asshole. I'm only in my 20s but I feel sometimes like I'm destined to be that asshole forever.
I do try to do the opposite of my parents. I mostly don’t want to take over and compete for the “whose life sucks more” prize. It’s hard for me to empathize in the moment. There’s always that fear I go too far and look like I’m taking over
I usually shut down or literally run away when adults (my mom,dad, etc) are crying or are upset. But when my sibling are upset, I want to say or do all the right things to make their pain go away.
This is such an interesting topic. I never quite know how to respond to people's loss and fear and that I'm either minimizing or saying something incorrectly.
In my family when I had some personal loss, it was never discussed, as if nothing happened.
Thank you Patrick for sharing this insight!
Omg same after a brief period it's like people just disappear
Same here
Practically not even acknowledged at all.
Such an unhealthy way to deal with loss 😕
In my family, all of my losses were never dealt with because I was the youngest, (and the scapegoat/neglected child) so everything about me was just “little” and unimportant. Whatever everybody else was dealing with had weight to it, but my stuff didn’t. I guess I was also the “trivial” child.
Same. My parents were focused on themselves and sometimes my siblings. I never spoke to them about anything I was going through because it just felt like they’re so uninterested. My mom is still very focused on her own life. My dad is sometimes there for me, he became more empathetic over time. It still seems so weird that my friends actually care about me and want the best for me, I can’t get used to that feeling.
My family is like that too!
I would like group therapy too, but I have such bad social anxiety, I'm especially triggered by sharing my own opinions and emotions. Also, I'm just terrible at telling stories, even my own. I'm planning to start individual therapy soon, hopefully one day I can start to open up and become more comfortable talking about myself 😚😚
I can totally relate to this! Grew up in a chaotic household where my older sister and my mom never got along and I was always super tense, feeling like I had to fix their relationship and not wanting to lose either of them by having the 'wrong opinions'.
Me too! It’s okay to self validate but I find anymore that there’s a lot more toxic people out there that will try to discredit your thoughts, emotions and actions. Mostly because they are threatened and have low self esteem. We have to be mindful whom we share with.
Same. I am always berating myself for not being a good story teller and "not engaging enough"
I have found an “Internal Family System” therapist and instead of rehashing my stories, which causes a lot of repetitive pain, we take a look at what “Parts” within me are active, most often being protective, even though their methods may seem harsh. I’ve been able to get to know more about myself, as well become more able to appreciate and care for that self which is made up of so many well-functioning but often misunderstood and unwanted Parts. Just sharing an idea as you explore further.
i was going to half-jokingly say "wow its like we had the same childhood!" but then i stopped and thought about it and am now not sure if i am just projecting onto your example or not. either way your examples help me is what i wanted to actually convey.
i had the thought that perhaps this i why in therapy the therapist is "supposed" to remain a neutral "blank slate" to the client, (something that frustrates me) because the moment i learned two (2) facts about your childhood, it's like i can feel the tendrils of my people-pleasing "chameleon" tendencies reaching for it like "my precious...." "tell me all about *your* trauma" which i think is both how i process things but like, i latch onto others' so i dont have to focus on unpacking my own baggage, so it becomes unhealthy....
so i guess i get triggered, like, the moment anyone tells me anything is wrong because im just like "here! let me fix it for you! just give it to me! in fact, hang on let me just-" *crawls into their skin* "ok now i can fully solve the problem having gained maximum perspective on the issue..."
*reads my own comment* ok well chalk that down as something to talk about next therapy session....
*backs away from the keyboard* youre all welcome for me just, processing my shit in the comments idfk either
i wrote this at like 7:00 into the video and the next thing you said was absolutely what i was describing and made me feel much less insane, also
i swear to god my entire life is a trauma response what the fuck
this video and the last one im just like *taking notes* mhmm... *relates to most-all of every single point*. ok *nodding* it's fine.
I also prefer when someone near to me unpacks theirs.
I still don't know exactly where my trauma came from, but I know I picked it up somewhere. :T
Hopefully my reply helps you feel a little less self-conscious? Talking it out is... well, it's valid. :3
@@rat392 Just breath. You are intelligent - your mind is racing. I can hear your synapses firing from here !
You will get through this. You can handle it. Maybe one of those free meditation apps on your phone - been thinking about those myself ! Also, I need to get back to Journaling. ("Writing down the bones" is a good book to start writing 'morning pages'. Books been out for years so should be cheap! I often buy used books too - better for the environment!)
Anyhow, take care of yourself.
My inner child runs away from other peoples pain as I was overloaded as a child
I feel like I am good at giving validation. What I don’t seem to be able to get is validation. Like my sister will say yeah your ex is a real jerk. But that’s it. It’s like she doesn’t want to hear it and I don’t know why she’s not supportive and wanting to listen and validate. It’s almost like she doesn’t agree with me and she’s just kind of blowing it off. Only my therapist validates me. And it’s such a good feeling to know that somebody gets what you’re saying and gets what you’re doing and understands
Ooooohh shit. I notice lately in life, the way I know if my close friend is hiding something or severely stressed out, she will sort of repeat herself or repeat back what i said and not really add to the convo we are having. I never picked up on this behavior before recent years, but if i slow us down and point out to them what im noticing, suddenly they tell me exactly what is bugging them. One friend was being antagonized online by a jealous coworker and finally told me it had been going on since her engagement (months). Another friend was violated by a trusted long-time family friend, and finally told me after a second phone call. Lookout for lack of real convo substance or repetition from your friends when you're together or on the phone. So far that's a strong sign to me something's not right 💓
Anna G, that is a good advice. A cousin of mine is always struggling with telling me what brings him down and then he starts to act weirdly, asking irrelevant questions about myself, repeating stereotypes and then my heart goes out to him and I would like to say the magic words and set him free.
People being upset mostly triggers my alarm bells, needing to shut them down asap because whenever my mom was upset about anything the physical abuse and screaming was soon to follow.. but I also do not want to be like her so I try to comfort as well as I can, but if it does not work *immediately* (after watching your video I am now noticing that "work" for me means the upset being over which is not what validation is about 😬) I get anxious or even irritated. I have such an unhealthy need to have people keep their emotions in check all of the time 😬
YES. The irritation over it not working quickly I heavily relate to.
Wow. I grew up thinking my dad the drug addict was the most toxic person in the house but it turns out my mom was just as toxic only in an almost covert way. Your invalidation video really helped me to see what's going on as she's very much a "take their side" and "makes things worse" type. It also helped me realize that some of the things I was saying to my 12 year old were invalidating and I didnt even realize it. I know that validation is super important.... but I feel like I don't know how to do it. Especially when it comes to children who are highly sensitive like I was, who tend to have really BIG emotions that are often perceived as too big for the situation. I remember a lot of "wow, chill out, it's not THAT big a deal." Or "at some point you just have to get over it".
I remember a distinct time when I kind of over-validated someone, he was telling me about a time his ex-partner told him off for "looking at other women" and I was just like omg that is so controlling, that's abuse, women can be abusers too etc and it could very well not have been but I just wanted to connect so bad with someone over the abuse I experience from my own ex that I went (possibly) overboard and had no chill whatsoever :)
and needless to say I took this as an opportunity to steer the conversation to my own story
Having your partner blatantly checking out other men or women is crossing a boundary and is disrespectful, though. It’s a disregard for the person you have a commitment to standing right beside you, and it often makes the other person feel unsafe and uncertain about the boundaries of the relationship and where the partner’s intentions lie. That probably wasn’t even the first straw.
@@Astr0629 right there's that aspect to it as well...I don't know what happened obviously but there are people who can be very jealous too, obviously, you get the side of the story from the person you're talking to and you kind of take their side considering how I've been falsely accused by my own ex of overstepping boundaries, I guess the "side" I was taking was ultimately my own, as I said in my original comment, my reaction was kind of self-referential if not self-centered even
@@andreakoroknai1071 I don't think its self-centred. It just goes to show that all us trauma kids desperately want to be heard and validated for once. My whole family make things about themselves and they all have trauma they haven't dealt with and it just keeps getting passed on.
@@Astr0629 it depends on the situation. If you’ve ever dated someone with insane jealousy issues then you’ll understand this reaction. I dated someone a BPD who was untreated unmedicated who accused me of cheating constantly whether I had a conversation with another man, hungout with a male friend, did my job (bartending so i serve lots of men drinks) it was literally insanity and I couldn’t handle it any more and broke it off. He would get mad when I got text messages or phone calls. also. Jealous if he thought I wad “checking out the server” when we went out or happened to diss associate in the direction of a man. All of that is absolutely not normal behavior and pretty controlling behavior actually and not normal
Whoa. My own self-validation is like “Okay, dunno how to deal with this, let’s pretend it’s not a thing,” because my family totally doesn’t know how to deal with validation.
I take on the emotion of the person.. This is extremly difficult because like you said..I take on that person. I would be happy and fine and then hear my friend going through a hard time and now I am sad..depressed..conflicted. It is a weird sensation to go through.
I am so fortunate to have found this channel ... it is here recently that I, at 48 years of age, am starting to unpack the mess that is my childhood. Thank you kind Sir, for the content on this channel 💛
I was struck with "absorbing other people's pain" because i have the tendency to do that
My parents do all of those things. As a result I had to become the only level-headed person in the family for it to stay together and be everyone in my family’s therapist. Now all my friends treat my like their therapist and give me little to no validation or emotional support at all. I had my roommate get hostile towards me when I got emotional in front of her. I feel like I gravitate to difficult and mentally I’ll people because I feel they need me. Then those people are so unstable that it’s a one sided relationship. I’ve gotten to a point of exhaustion and despair.
Wow...... I shut people down or ignore and change the subject..... I just don't want to get into someone's trauma - I feel slightly sick at the same time...... They think I don't care and then I have the shame attack and beat myself up about it. I may then message them later and say how sorry I am about what they told me....
Excellent thank you for putting a spotlight on this!
I feel bad sometimes for studying to be a therapist because my response to my dad’s anger and verbal abuse was to shut everything off-I never was a “little therapist” or felt I had to “put out the fire”, i just stopped talking and got scared when people’s emotions got big, negative, and/or loud. I’m sure for anyone who felt they had to console their friends/family that wasn’t healthy, but i find myself being envious because it seems to coincide with who makes a GOOD therapist… I hope I can change that instinct of mine.
Did anybody else type out an entire story that you have to relate and think maybe that’s the point just to delete it and think you might be missing something?
Yes, "i sometimes talk in a mildly dissociated place"
Thanks for the bit about it’s okay to say “I don’t know what to say, I can only imagine, can I just be present with you.” What a concept.
My stuff: Over advising! Over caretaking! Poor you! I never thought about this before - thank you. I used to feel I wasn't caring enough not to try and fix the situation- now I'm recognizing it as controlling.
You know, this is actually a weird one for me - I think I'm pretty good at giving validation itself. My bigger problem is more about setting boundaries. I've been in one or two communities in which I would occasionally give validation or reassurance to people who were down, and some people really latched onto that and would confide in me their problems, including when I didn't have much to give myself. It can be really hard to say no to people who are hurting, but it's sometimes necessary.
Of course, there are ways of being gentle but firm about it, possibly pointing to other options the person might have, and that's something I'm definitely trying to learn and keep in mind.
I get that....
I've been latched on to (the exact phrase I use) too many times too and it makes me feel really overwhelmed so I have to cut off the friendship for my own health 😕
Fixing, deflecting, relating or retreating is mine. Worst case i shut it down- and yes I have done this in protection mode only whenever I do this one.
Often I’m in protection mode when I do these.
I grew up unintentionally emotionally neglected, so I never learned how to validate someone. So I often avoid them until they’re better or give unsolicited advice and facts-as this comforted me. I’m working on it really slowly…
Patrick, that example of what you would say to the man who's going through divorce is so perfect! "I see you and I can only imagine what that's like" 😍
I'm going to borrow this for my collection, but maybe one day phrasings like this will come naturally
"maybe one day phrasings like this will come naturally"
That sums up exactly how I felt when he said it, I just thought "If I said that to someone it would feel so unbelievably fake"
@@j.d.buchanan4897 hahah I was more referring to being able to even think of that to say... But ack, you're right. It would sound so awkward if I were to say it out loud!
You know what, I took a gamble a while back; on just trying to be "good enough" when empathizing with people, or giving validation. I've been wondering if I've been "doing it wrong" (lol) for a while now, but I was relieved when it popped up on your list of healthy behaviors/journaling. I'd always try to appease with my answers- try to hard to deliver some kind of profound insight, "fix" the problem, over-relate, sometimes do the good guy/bad guy thing... but I found that just being plain, and honest about my observations, and how i felt about what somebody had to say works a lot better, for both parties involved. I'm glad I saw this video; it was a nice bit of re-enforcement that I'm heading down the right path in this case.
I'm finally where i can (mostly) not dissociate and just say "Im so sorry, how do you feel about that?" And then stay conscious enough to listen and just not speak. That keeps me from saying something really weird like i usually do. Thanks for addressing this ❤
Nobody has ever talked about this before.
yes, it's such a great video!
I just want to say thank you Patrick for your good work here. I hope you realize how much you are helping a multitude a childhood trauma survivors.
I grew up in a situation where my parent both over-shared with me (I was also a mini-therapist kid) and over-identified with my own pain, which set me up for an abusive relationship where my ex would switch between either trying to one-up my pain, or taking it on too much, essentially giving me demands on how to handle the situation, and using it to get his own anger out. I've had to really consciously watch myself as I used to get over-involved with other people's situations too - I was never taught that boundaries were a thing or that I needed them and I've had to learn it well into adulthood, and learn to pull back from my impulse to solve someone else's life for them.
Gosh I needed to hear that we are all just kinda guessing what healthy looks like and it's ok to pattern off of healthier people. Wow and profound gratitude for your work Mr. Teahan.
Yet again Patrick coming through and slamming right into things I never thought about in my behavior but now it's so obvious XD I love your energy, Patrick, because of my personal trauma I generally don't do well with men giving me advice, but from the first video of yours I saw I felt at ease and I was easily able to open up to your messages because you have this gentle understanding light about you, especially in the way you openly talk about the fact that you personally get it because you grew up in a dysfunctional system yourself. Just thanks, in general :)
Same here!
I grew up in an evangelical house and you weren't supposed to "speak doubt." If somebody says something bad is happening, you are supposed to say good things about it (e.g. you lose your job and I say, "the Lord will sustain you. "). You aren't supposed to say bad things about your own situation. This is how my father spoke until the day he died. I am still working through it.
I definitely relate to the statement "no matter what I say it's bad." One thing I would like more information about is deciphering when/how to say me too. I've been on the receiving and giving ends of well-placed and misplaced "me too" type validation. I think it can be either the best or worst thing and I'd like to be able to know which before hand.
Me being extremely bad at validating other people almost made me lose a friend that is very close to me. It was really cool to get some insight into what was going on with my thought process at that time because I basically had to re learn how to comfort people after that and it was super hard at first.
I have the first intake meeting scheduled for reunification with my daughter whose NPD mother almost succeeded in alienating me from her. My mother is a highly narcissistic, histrionic borderline and my dad is an enabling people pleaser with weak boundaries. I was never taught boundaries and walked right into toxic, abusive, manipulative women. This stuff is real and I am committed to breaking the cycle. And taking down some narcissists while I'm at it. 🔥
Good luck to you ORIN T vee! You must be strong! And be careful. Do not underestimate the toxicity of a narc environment.🙏
I love that you made two distinct videos about giving and receiving validation. I get scared about whether my validation of others is good enough, but obviously wanting them to validate the way I've tried to be validating is problematic since it makes it about me instead of them. Keeping that anxiety in check is something I have to practice, and remembering that my anxiety is about me and not them has really helped.
I also have had to learn to really separate myself from other people's upset. In some situations I have to do this pretty distinctly in my head by telling myself "this isn't something I have to feel sad about or fix or continue to think about beyond this conversation." Within the conversation itself, I still try to hear the other person and respond with validation, but it's been really helpful for me to directly allow/tell myself to "not care" on a deeper personal level.
I keep going back and reliving the dysfunction, and seeing it with new eyes.
I just learned that I have ptsd. I know it shouldn’t be shocking but… somehow it still was.
I have the attachment problem. Like it's me going through it..
I am continually amazed by your insightful and helpful content. Never realized how and why the whole validation issue is so problematic. Your videos are gems! Many people need childhood trauma work imho.💚💙💜
i think i struggle with a mix of feeling responsible and trying to absorb my partners feelings and also trying to give logical reasons. if my partner is upset i feel like i must get them back to happy as if their problems are MY fault. and so i try to give the logical reasons to show them “hey get over this faster and be happy because im uncomfortable”
In our family there was no validation or space to talk about feelings. If, like the example you gave, a coworker would talk to one of my parents about an impending divorce, they would probably give unwanted 'advice'. Preferably imparting on them how they would do it because they seem to think that their way of doing things is the only way things should be done.
Interesting, thats my whole family too. They'd either say "here's what you should have done", "that's your problem to deal with", or "oh.. hasn't the weather today been terrible?".
There’s just so much energy one can put into being the parentified child- it’s icky, draining and as an adult one has a choice so I check out or do invalidation- damn that sucks!
Btw, who else here was their parent’s therapist? I was. …I still am…
Me👋😟
I feel it is a theft of childhood and creates a very anxious, forgotten and people pleasing adult, vulnerable to being exploited in friendships.
This was super interesting to listen to and reflect on. I definitely have issues with validation, though it's gotten slightly better over time. Previously if someone told me of some sort of loss or trouble, I would have no idea what to say, I'd be awkwardly quiet and uncomfortable, trying to find a way out of the conversation or physical space. Now I am more likely to offer condolences and ask how they are or what I can do to support them. A part of me still feels uncomfortable on the inside, sometimes insincere? (idk if that's the right word. I still feel like I dont know what to say to them, but I also care about how they feel and dont want them to be lonely or in pain) and wishes for the interaction to be over soon, but I'm getting better at voicing my concern for the other person.
It never occurred to me that childhood trauma was the cause. My dad is a very stoic man, emotionless, and the type to tell you you need to just get over it. While my mom tends to make things about herself or tell stories about others (most of whom I don't know or dont care about).
That is just my parents you describe.
Had something like your hypothetical situation with a friend/cousin and at first I listened. I felt like she was just completely swamped with her emotions and could not believe she had been betrayed by her husband financially. I had a difficult time listening to her over and over. I thought she should have gone to a therapist and done some of her own inner work because she was having trouble functioning. I finally told her that she needed to reach a place of acceptance and make a decision instead of being swamped by her emotions. I had a boatload of my own stuff going on and she had been judgmental. I felt like she was finally going to experience what every other adult goes through, the same stuff that she had judged me and everyone else for, but without the benefit of being prepared for it by her upbringing. I think a lot of people are just unable to cope with normal adult life for various reasons. I feel like my childhood trauma was awful but in many ways it prepared me for the real world. I suppose I was lucky to have that perspective and alchemized it into some amazing traits and talents. I see people struggling with basic adult life and I wonder how people wind up a complete mess vs being healthy and resilient.
Same here. I really struggle with people getting stuck in trivial, silly problems. OR, they are having real difficulties, but on their way trying to rescue themselves, they got stuck in some nonsense in their way. My husband and I have for some time tried to help a mother protecting her children from a dangerous and toxic ex, doing all the right legal stuff and so on so they can be as safe as possible. But she constantly worries about the wrong things. «Oh, I don’t think I can handle talking to this and that person at some office, what if they are making jokes about me in lunch afterwards?»
Who cares if they make jokes of you! You’re here to save your children! I usually don’t say anything, but I guess my face says it all, because she is very afraid of me. My husband goes completely the opposite, he takes over and offers to do everything for her, and I get angry with him. «Stop that! You cannot live her life! If she is not capable of being an adult, she is not capable of taking care of her children. She must learn this and stop making «Oh, maybe someone will think I’m stupid!» a priority in her life.» He finally started listening to me, moderating the help a bit. Something in the middle of him and me would be fine, I think.🙄
@@tillatidtryte I think you are doing an amazing job. I wish I had people like you around when struggling. It must be scary if someone is afraid of you, isn't it? That woman is really troubled by minor things compared to the main issue, the safety of her child. Good luck for you and your husband, have patience.
@@melinaburkhardt421 thank you 😊
@@tillatidtryte Thanks for your comment. It's great to feel validated. No, not triggered ;) Cousin and I are estranged after that incident because I finally told her that she needed to move on from the overwhelm and she didn't like it. Also felt like she was getting a taste of her own judgment and it was painful for her. Looking back, estrangement from family has been good from them, as they have stopped with their bullshit treatment of me. I will not tolerate it anymore. Buh-bye!
I wish there was a childhood trauma group round here it would so helpful I'm even been through recovery and they don't deal with trauma 😢
I had the opportunity to shows some old pictures to my parents. In the course of that conversation with the two of them at the table. I happened to throw it out there that my sisters and myself were really GOOD girls!! REALLY we were! My parents didn’t say an fucking word!!!! Silence and I got triggered in protecting the virtues of my child self! I flat out asked them why is it so hard to validate that fact!! My mom chirped up in response and told me she didn’t know I needed validation!! I was like what is so hard about saying your 3 children were very good girls! OVER ACHIEVERS SEEKING APPROVAL OF BOTH PARENTS BUT NEVER NEVER HEARING IT! Still don’t hear it and I am 57 now!! I forgive them but I won’t forget that they together created the mess our family now must heal!! I am the only one seeking this counsel as the black sheep of the family! I carry the memories in me and they forgot!!!!!
I lean left (protection) when dealing with my mother, but right (shame) when dealing with almost ANYone else. And here's a thought. My mother has demanded validation my whole life, but would begrudge others (including me) from deserving any validation of their own. So, when I'm dealing with her, I don't want to give it to her. It's like giving my gold to a miser. But with people other than my mother, because I was taught (by her) that my purpose is to comfort others, sacrificing my own, I feel like I need to take on their pain, solve their problems, etc. Recognizing that this is actually very annoying for people (other than my mother), who are really just looking for someone to listen, I've learned to overcome that instinct to be the sponge, soaking up the toxic crap. Clean up on aisle 10! :)
Your videos are really helpful. Thank you so much!
Every single video I watch on this channel gives me a breakthrough at some point
or teaches me an healthy/empowered way to respond.
Thank you
yep! so interesting to realize I'd done so many of the things you mentioned, learning from other families and people along the way to become the person I needed and not to continue the cycle.
What other self soothing things do I do or pple do that are unhealthy?
Drinking is gone. Sedatives are gone. SSRI is 💯☑️🕯️the clarity I am growing into is uplifting me.
I don't belong at reddit either. I read about current events to cope and I get mad. It's all maladaptive behaviors. Everytime I want to check on things that don't apply, I think, so in 2022 I am using unhelpful coping skill.
I see their validations as sad, it's being noticed in the room which can be tough. It can mran more egg shells. Wow, I didn't realize that until now!! Thank you Patrick. Losing being in the room or being there but away on protective mode. I see my trauma bonds transferred to current events. Specifically markets, econ, all this heavy nonsense that doesn't help me or mean anything. It's a compulsive disorder. I taught myself to not see or hear any news, wedge issues but to do three things i need: talk with case mgmt, follow thru with referrals, stock my home with supplies. Why do I seem to have a bent towards minimalist living? . My parents cheap habits are ruining my sense of abundance. Scarcity talk isn't good or helpful. I feel so alive and committed to staying well. As long as I stay in the present, be in good environments facilitates stability ☑️💯
I did let go of some pple I accept I just can't run with. Peers that I don't belong near. They didn't know I was gone at all. I learned permeance also. They seem to want the old role of me in my 30s and I can't be or return to a past person within myself who was allowing herself to be put down and call it family.
It was more inconsistency, the women didn't teach the girls or daughters anything. Deep disappointment. Or taught unhelpful, toxic ideas. I let go or am working on the expectations to be treated well by the time I met that group I am amazed not more bad things happened because they were The Adults.
Again I must live where my feet place me. As my own best mom and dad and my own best support system I will stock my apartment today. I will take and hug every new lesson or new coping skill or way to view things.
The shame never ends. I researched toxic shame with toxic leadership and it's all the same. I began leading myself in my 30s to drink over family outcomes. At 41 I feel so thankful to have a decade of recovery and sort thru my mind to become a better person. I want to leave disability but I do radical acceptance, radical empathy, to love & embrace right where I am because this is where the process took me.
Oh my! Like it? I LOVE and ADORE all your works! Wish my financial situation wasn't fragile! I would have contributed with a 1000 dollars on Patreon! That's what your continuous generosity deserves! 💙💙💙
I was raised to be a fixer and so in group I have to bite my tongue and get frustrated when I offer suggestions and they just dismiss them.
I spent my whole childhood and teenage years hiding my relationships, my problems, my feelings from my parents... the one time i told my mom about a heartache i had when i was well in my twenties, the only thing she said to me was 'awh'... i was heartbroken. I struggle so much with both aspects of the spectrum here, i pendulum back and forth between feeling protection and shame .. i have never had anyone show or tell me what healthy validation looks like, and recently its been a huge cause of problems for me interpersonally. this video could not have come at a better time and ill definitely be trying out the journal prompts. thank you once again!
really thoroughly enjoyed and apply this video. do you think you might do a video on what it means to have difficulty making friends and how traumas play into that?
I would very much appreciate videos about this too.
Those is exactly the page I'm on now in my life having realized how toxic some of my friendships are and finally releasing them.
I need to build up a friendship base of healthier relationships but how do o do this?
What are the healthy ways of doing this?
What are the pitfalls to avoid? What are the potential old patterns to look out for and how do I do things differently.
I can't keep retreading over the same old ground, doing the same old things and expect to get different, healthier results, healthier friendships.
UA-cam is fantastic. Truly. Look at us all helping each other because we all know we go through the same shit.
Dang, I feel like I was on the left of that spectrum (dissociation) from a super early age. I remember being in kindergarten and needing to put myself in the time out corner whenever another kid was crying, and dissociating when a friend of mine hurt her toe and was asking me for help (I just stood there frozen and mildly terrified). I wonder where that came from.
Yes. While I have good intentions, I don't respond appropriately to others' pain. The only way I understand how to connect to others in their pain to show I understand what they are going through, is to do the "me too" thing and mention how I cope with it. I recognize this inappropriateness about myself and sort of avoid the person for a while or avoid talking about it if I can help it, because I sense I don't know how to handle it correctly and genuinely don't know the right thing to say to help someone in pain. So, thank you for this video and also giving an example of a healthy appropriate response to someone in pain!❤
I started to cry when you said said the phrase. “I can’t believe I said that…”. and how that is part of the shame response. Very eye opening for me. I’m watching this series because I am trying to provide more healthy validation for my seven year old son. Thank you for producing these videos.
I need to rewatch this a few times and make notes.
I appreciate the positive suggestions you make about what we can say and do differently.
I've been to therapy too many times where they listen and empathise, which is great, but what o need more than anything is to move forward with more skills about what to do differently in the future.
And that's why I appreciate your videos so much, you explain things so well, so calmly, and give suggestions for us to try out and learn to use.
EXACTLY what I need. I don't want to repeat the same old patterns, I want to break free from them, move beyond them.
I love your calm ending to the video too.
It leaves a warm, positive feeling to end on.
Like a lovely virtual hug.
This was unexpectedly very helpful!! Didn’t even know I had such an issue with this, but I absolutely feel like a fish out of water when I have to comfort anyone during their pain :/ I was always left to self soothe so I have a gut reaction of “ok, u should go cry alone why are you telling me this” which I’m NOT proud of.
It almost always brings tears to my eyes when you wave at the end of the video. I so appreciate you're here for us and validating us as a person.
I feel that when you say we spend 90% of our mental energy trying not to be like our parents. I feel like I gotta sympathize with people even if I don't particularly care about their situation. My parents were pretty passive regarding validation, it was mostly 'you'll get over it', 'your achievements are whatever', sometimes it was 'stop your bellyaching'. Fortunately for me, it's not as bad as the triggers described in this video, so I guess there's a plus.
Your channel is an eye opener, seeing that what I experienced is a type of trauma from absent parents with hard-line punishment. From the outside I had a great upbringing, and any issues I have with my upbringing have been invalidated when I've expressed it. My mum is a classic for changing the subject to the weather. "Mum, I'm really struggling emotionally today, I don't know what to do", "oh that's no good dear... well its been really windy here." then talks for an hour about literally anything but me; tv shows, curtains, stray animals... :(
this is wild, i was just trying to explain to someone recently the feeling i get when i try to "help" someone. usually in situations where someone is disenfranchised in some way. like relatives with their traumatic experiences or people at my place of work who don't really have a voice. i almost have an opposite reaction sometimes, like an adrenaline rush when i try to help or validate someone. maybe i was in a similar position of trying to help my parents or others at a young age too? it's not a negative experience but it's not really positive either. could also be me projecting and making the moment about me lmao
Kia Murray, that sounds familiar to me too. The adrenaline rush, the challenge we feel coming up.
Caregivers shown to do advice when theres a problem.
Instead of " that sounds frustrating " .. ( reflective listening)
From D.b. t. skills in support group along w/ individual therapy. 😃 😼
This makes so much sense and it breaks my heart how I'm 30 years old and I could never put my finger on it before.
thank you for sharing so much personal information with us about your childhood trauma experiences!! very powerful
I just thought that I'm watching this video so, if I ever have children, they won't need to watch them.
Thank you for your videos! They are making things so much clearer!
Dear Patrick, I really appreciate your contribution to "Childhood Trauma Work". Today's topic was very helpful, not only when giving validation, but also important when we don't receive validation and the reasons behind it. The Spectrum Graphic is very helpful too. I love your graphics. Thank you Patrick, great work. 💙Cjimz
when you were giving that descriptive lists of ways a toxic caregiver can fuck up giving validation... shit was so real my eye was twitching lmao
i'm sure its a common experience to recieve a hybrid of those descriptions, what i tend to get from family is practical advice no more useful than a google search would be and canned responses, really rubs in the dysfunctional belief that i'm the problem :)
You are a gift to people who don’t want to continue the lineage of cruelty, narcissism and shame
This video was helpful and informative, thank you for making it.
When I read "triggered when giving affirmation", however, I was thinking affirmation in *positive* situations. I have a hard time honestly complementing my children when I think they've made something really nice or done something impressive. It just feels so fake to me, even though I really mean it. The more strongly I feel about it, the harder it is for me to do.
Probably unsurprisingly, I also have a hard time accepting compliments from people. I've worked on it a lot, and now can mostly just say "thank you" and move on. But I have an urge to either downplay whatever they are complimenting me about, or think that the compliment is just undeserved.
OMG, yes...I was wondering what was going on with me (not always, but it happens) in these situations, when I can act really really awkward, saying something stupid, or trying to fix it for them in some way. Even my greeting cards tend to be strange or dull, not knowing what to say, having a feeling of being unauthentic, fake...it's a struggle. I knew it was connected to my history with my bpd/npd mother and her constant problems to solve, her neverending illnesses, even dying acts, being responsable for her feelings, well being to the point of being drained and apathetic.
I think on the validation triggers spectrum, my natural tendency is protection (immediately start trying to think of solutions, or not responding at all), and in my work i'm definitely overcorrecting and going for the good guy/bad guy and trying to take over whatever the person is going through 😓
Every time I had a problem my mom would launch into a big story (you think that’s bad…kinda thing) or tell me something about someone else close to me in the family. Often the other family member was someone she knew I didn’t get along with 🤷🏻♀️. Im not even sure how I validate maybe the same without realizing it. I do remember a family member yelling at me because I responded to her problem with “well if it makes you feel any better”, then talked about my story. At the time I thought jeez what’s her problem I was only trying to relate. So much to learn in this life, need to be patient and kind to myself.
My goodness. I'm definitely wired about shame. That is so me.
I’m purely a problem solver and i find it hard to just listen without giving a solution. I just need to fix the problem. I always figured out the answers for my parents and siblings whenever something went wrong. Both of my parents were severely abused and emotionally stunted when I was growing up so I always played therapist and tried to fix them so that they wouldn’t spiral and could be able to help take care of my siblings too. Eventually my siblings just came to me instead of my parents at all. When other people just need to be sad I cant handle it because I need to fix it so everything can keep running smoothly. My mom still tells my siblings to ask me for advice when they are upset even today.