“Their sense of entitlement and arrogance are like cheap cologne, meant to cover up the stink of their insecurity.” Haha, well said, Dr Ramani. Powerful, and true.
Indeed. I wonder what sort of person would advise people otherwise? I wonder...dont expose them, dont protect others, dont point out who the manipulative social predators are, now sign up to my "healing" course folks.... Lol
What Dr. Ramani is pointing out is that, you can call them out all you want, but you're only ever going to get irrational crazy making in response. And they are not going to change, ever. I have had enough narcissists in my life to know this to be true. It may be necessary to warn others, but that is another topic. In the case of the narcissist, it's possible to actually put people at risk by calling out a narcissists behaviour to their face because of their often volatile behavior.
@@deadprivacy Dr Ramsni isn’t selling any “sign up now” deals. She’s NEVER said to “not protect / not help others”. She’s saying to NOT call them out, in order to avoid years of abuse for yourself & those you’re intending to protect, because you called them out. Calling them out isn’t the biggest problem... it’s the expectation that a narc will care, & that the abuse will stop. She then gives tips on HOW TO GET OUT OF IT. You may want to re-view her video, because she’s literally doing the opposite of what you’ve said.
Living with a narcissist can be like trying to build a sandcastle on a beach where the tide is constantly rising. Whenever you think you've made progress and created something solid, the waves of their ego come crashing in and wash everything away. You may find yourself constantly scrambling to rebuild and protect what you've made, feeling one step behind their unpredictable and self-centered behavior.
We will never get proper closure so I decided not closure is to get her trapped I want to speak I tried after the final discard she jumped out my truck the first fact if what I had uncovered. Cops came it was a mess. She couldn't handle the first discovery I had a whole list. She has cut me out avoiding me at all costs that's fine I will wait I will go full detective when the new supply gets deployed the cheating will begin I'll get evidence and I will blackmail I'm very sane but this bitch was a devil and she is going to suffer through it if it takes me to my death
why do you need closure? Personally, I don't care... only if you think "the relationship" will go on... You don't need that, you need to find other things to do... sometimes in life, except defeat, remember, don't forgive, learn...never go on in case of red flags.. trust your intuition...trust you...
Me, too! Grey rocking is a viable alternative for me, and I’m planning to learn more about this dynamic that exists between an empathetic person and a narcissist! I like what Dr. Ramani suggests, too!: Disengaging and finding other things to do that helps us to focus on other pleasant pursuits, people, entertainment, and, for me, prayer and my faith! ❤God will never leave me nor forsake me! May God bless Dr. Ramani and all of you!
"To teach someone something they have to care enough about you to listen to you and to be opened enough to receive the lesson" ... that is brilliant. Serves as a quote ♡
I’m not letting him know. My silence has enraged him. Not engaging has him spinning . I’m not supply. This really works. The days away have awakened me. I am grateful for these videos. So affirming😊😊😊😊
More power to you….I am quite empathic, and I supposed the wife is taking full advantage of that. She was on her best behavior until she roped me in. Then all hell broke loose! Took me a long time to understand what was going on, and a great deal of effort, time, and money to try to keep her happy. Little did I know I married someone that can never be satisfied and is absolutely an empty and hateful human. The behavior is sub-human in my opinion - it is of the devil or hell!
@@massimo7219 thank you, I spoke my opinion as the truth as I see it! It’s a terrible way to live. Hopefully soon I can free myself. Have a 12 yo son, and absolutely must get custody when it comes time. Cannot allow him to suffer under her evil dictatorship.
I don’t want to call out the narcissist in my life but I would LOVE it if the people that are totally fooled by them would see them for what they are and STOP telling me I need to forgive them and allow them to continue their narcissistic behavior and abuse!! Now that is NOT going to happen!!
Yes! I've been told by others Tham I'm not being a good Christian if I don't have a relationships with my narcissists! I wanted to scream! But, after listening to Dr. Romani I have a quiet confidence that I've made the right decision, and knowledge that those people will never understand the reality I lived with.
@@donnawomack4223 my source of problems are from the same group of people. I totally think we should forgive people BUT… we also need to discern the people we allow ourselves to associate with and when their intentions are not for your good, but for their own I personally don’t think we should put ourselves in harms way for their benefit. I have a huge ridiculous story that is just the newest chapter in my life book where I have had to endure A LOT due to a people’s selfish narcissistic behavior, this time it was during one of the most dramatic times in my life, dealing with my parents last months of life!!! Devastating!!!!
They haven't been in the full crosshairs of one of these demons. My favorite is "well this is why they are frustrated with you" even if there are borderline true reasons they grossly exaggerate and are doing "frog boiling" to get people to believe them
Amen Baby I call them out and I could careless what they say I do it over s text or I leave them a message and answer machine you will not abuse me you will not gaslighting me you will get called out and I wait for the silent treatment good they are miserable the moment that you loose them you feel so free
They don’t care but they love it that you do! That’s how they control you. It’s all about control. As long as they are in control they act almost normal, almost.
I called out a Narc ex-friend recently for her bad behaviour in front of a group of friends, fully knowing what her reaction would be, and it felt great. For once, she finally was lost for words. I already ended our friendship a couple years ago…note, I didn’t call her a narcissist, I just called out her behaviour.
I saw the rage of my ex, after her sister called her out. I saw the response and finally saw who she was. I was too scared to do the same, but I was able to quietly and calmly leave the relationship.
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
I just called out my narc ex for dating me and another girl at the same time and the way he raged at me and spoke to me like I was a stranger on the street. Not someone he's "loved" for 7 years. It's truly unbelievable
My ex did the same to me and immediate blocked me . I’m a peacemaker but I am learning everyday to get over myself trying to change them . He never deserved me and I want no one in my life that doesn’t serve me and help me fill my life’s purpose .
You're right, Dr. Ramani. I've made this mistake of confronting them and hoping things would change...and they never did. It backfired on me. A smear campaign was then conducted. And you know what? I'm a mental health professional but sometimes when you're so close to a problem, it becomes distorted. I had the illusion that if they heard it coming from a professional that it would somehow hold more merit. Wrong! Thank you for this video. I have learned so much from you. You are valued more than you realize.
@@ragtopannie It’s so much more difficult when one is emotionally invested. It’s like the film ‘They Live’ when the shades 😴😎 are removed 👁 Please don’t be hard on yourself ❤ Sending lots of love to you.
When I didn't know this was narcisism, I tried many time to help my mother see the light. It failed every time and even worse, she "forgot" about it every time. And of course I still thought this was all my fault, i just didn't try hard enough, i just didn't work hard enough. This went on for almost 20 years, until a few weeks ago when I finally learned what this is.
Yeah, I called my Mom out, and now, whenever I feel like I miss her, I pull out her resulting emails full of awful things, and I reread them. From mocking me to telling me I'm the narcissist, there is no apology, no guilt, and not a shred of kindness. I call them her love letters. It was worth it to me, but I was the scapegoat and losing my whole family wasn't that big of a loss.
Same with my mom. Going to be difficult when she passes. I’m keeping all the horrible messages as a reminder so I don’t become super depressed and forgot all of the monstrous things she has said and done.
I wish I watched this video earlier. I called her out and it has been nearly 1 year now that she doesn't talk to me. She celebrates Christmas and festivities with the golden child and cut me out. She triangulated us of course and my sister also does not talk to me. Pure silence treatment to punish me. It really hurts that the only person in this world who should unconditionally love me does not love me at all. Seeing loving parents around really hurts. I have never been hugged,never once I heard I was loved. She never paid a compliment to me.She always criticise me or tried to diminish me. I am a HSP and this situation is really painful and cry every day because of that. It is tough but I will have to live with that and I will never initiate contact.
@@sd1332 I'm so sorry. No one deserves that. I lost everyone too, but I didn't regret it. Maybe look at this as a time to build your life in a direction that isn't touched by that sort of negativity and cruelty.
I am a narcissist, and came by the realization about a decade ago (I think by reading one of Dr. Ramani's articles). I'm actually pretty open about it and I've worked very hard at overcoming it and changing my behaviors. Even so, if someone other than my therapist or significant other were to call me out as a narcissist I think that it's very likely I would respond defensively and dishonestly. I agree with Dr. Ramani here. Don't call them out, they're almost certainly incapable of responding like you'd hope.
@@Lena-cl6ye My brother has been always like this as well, so nice and adorable for others, but to me so mean, beating me, humiliating me ... And then people probably was thinking "that woman must be wierd or is something wrong with her cause otherwise he is not like this", nowaday we don't talk and I'm relieved. I also want to know why I was his victim.
@@Lena-cl6ye Despite being one, I am not an expert on narcissists and I don't know you or your situation. I can only tell you how I deal with other narcissists, which is to not take anything personally and avoid entanglement with them at all costs. No one deserves to be treated badly, and it's not your fault she's mean to you while being flattering and fake to everyone else.
Hi James, thanks for sharing. What do you think made you come to your realization? Was it the knowledge you learned by itself or did something happen in your life where you might have seen that your behavior was hurting you and you wanted to change? If it was an event? What did it take? With your realization ten years ago, how much better (or not) is your life today? Thanks again for your insight.
It’s wild to me y’all co opt spaces meant for survivors with your ‘Im aware and getting help’ rhetoric. Like why can’t we have our own spaces. There are spaces meant for you but there’s a reason you prefer those meant for survivors 🙄🥱
I have been learning to shift from seeking understanding and justice with a narcissist to understanding their “mechanisms” of behavior (having better insight ahead of time as to how they will and won’t respond). Then I try to handle each situation with them with less of my own energy lost . . . The key phrase above for me has been: “ . . . have been learning”. It’s a process!
I believe this depends on what you want to achieve by calling them out. If you're hoping for a different relationship or to have the narcissist recognise themselves in what you tell them, then you will most likely be disappointed. However, if your aim is to have them discover your feelings about who they are, after which you set some boundaries or leave them altogether, then this can feel like justice and bring you closure.
There is no way to be on solid ground with a narcissistic personality disordered person. It's best to keep your dignity and just walk away. You're 100% correct in this video and in all that you teach, Dr. Ramani. No way to defend yourself or have a relationship with them as they're unwilling to self reflect on their behavior. Best to work on your own behavior, go to a therapist, and work on good relationships.
Living with a narcissist and their enablers has to be one of THE most soul exhausting experience. You get to walk on eggshells everyday, cannot call them out because they either use it against you or subject you to further abuse. Even worse in family dynamics, it feels inescapable and at times even helpless. One thing I've learned, if there is anybody who does NOT deserve a good person, it would be the narcissist/s. I'd also add their enablers in this list, they too don't deserve genuine and empathetic people.
he will be back..in time...watch your back.. the only way is to get them not interested... go overweight, be a smelly cat with 10 cats, ask them for money, be a narcissist narcissist... in time they will find better sources of empathy.. I
Your videos are so helpful. I've experienced all the things you at my workplace. HR protects the supervisors. I had to get an employee relations attorney to protect my job as I transition to retirement. While all this is going on I've helped 4 people promote, mentored several staff, helped 2-3 people pivot into new jobs. If you're still reading this I hope you have a great day.
As soon as i called her out on her making me feel insignificant and she claimed i was projecting my unhappiness onto her, and at that point i had to realize she was too far gone and she discarded me. Its been 2 months but man its scary how much i let her in to only turn it on me. I hate being empathic sometimes😢
Sometimes I feel overly empathetic and that gets me in trouble. It’s an amazing power to feel so deeply but we also need to learn how to have balance and not lose ourselves in the process. I don’t know what I’m talking about as I’m also exploring this myself but I thought to give you my honest thoughts on the subject.
I exposed him packed my stuff told him how little his junk is,( spilt in his face (not proud of that)and left. He hasn't bothered me as of yet. . Only time will tell.
Calling out a narcissist will only make them resort to playing a victim! It ain't worth it! I thought I could finally get an apology from my father for terrifying me as a child with his rage and insults, etc. He was quite old and frail and I was doing so, so many things to help him. And do you know what he said..."Well, but you're being mean to me now". WOW! Nowadays my revenge is in just knowing the games they play and not playing along, grey rock/yellow rock, etc.
Yellow rock is a variation on gray rock that Tina Swithin, author of "One Mom's Battle", came up with because her kids were little and it was upsetting them for her to act so coldly to their father.
The universe has opened and shined on me today. Incredibly grateful for the timing of this video. My mind has been meditating on the fact that the perverse, malignant narcissists will be, yet again, reentering my geography. Do I dodge them by finally speaking the truth or just being unavailable? Dr. Ramani has spoken, and the message has been received! Thank you :)
One week out after almost a year of learning about this exhausting behavior Thank you so Dr Ramani for validating my reality you gave me the courage to leave🙏❤️
Your absolutely right! How do we win?? Meaning, how do we get justice after years of abuse, shame, internal rage for the unfairness of these sick monsters who are never held accountable? Tons of experts give advice on narcissists , but none can give an answer/ solution on how to get justice and free oneself from the inner hurt and injury that has been done.
My ex, would justify everything they did when called out. There was no logical debate. Always throwing at me how terrible I am. Then when he left, I moved into the house of another narcissist. She wanted the glory of saying she saved me. She would self identify as a narcissist and yet stated, if ever my behavior is problematic, call me out on it. The one time I attempted to diplomatically discuss a behavioral issue...it was thrown back at me. How dare I. What kind of person do I think I am. She started lashing out, accusing me of vile things. Trying to break me into submission. I refused to apologize, I stuck to my guns. Ended up moving out that weekend when she finally decided my reactions where not what she wanted and started to say that I must be a pedophile and the only reason I asked to move in was because of her kids. I've never been so disgusted with someone in my life. Since, she has blocked me from everything. Flips me off when she sees me in the community. Honestly...I've never been more at peace now that I'm not a part of the narcissists lives.
It's fundamental that one calls out the lie the narcissist is telling their self in the moment they are using it to lie to you...meaning, it does no good to address the behaviors that are born of self deception. It's necessary to disrupt the self lie that justified the behavior. 🙏💯
Twenty year relationship. Just realized when I followed the dots, that this weak man is a bonafide narcissist. I made myself quite ill for a year trying to “help” him and the relationship. NOW I see what is going on. I will dry rock from here on in. This person is an enemy. It’s just a matter of time before I never have to see him again. Thank you Dr. Romani! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼✅😘
actually calling them out makes them vigilant and careful of throwing out traits and instead they learn more sneaky ways to attack . It is harmful for the people who are less cognitively intelligent to spot them because they not going to change instead they will manoeuvre more cleverly.
No it does not calling them out actually shows how dumb they really are they are simple minded grown children who think the same tactics work over and over I was raised by narcs so my husband thinks his shit works and when he gets called out and see it don't and he cannot have control than rages and blames me which don't mean shit because it's all lies , they done figure nothing out they use the same tactics that get them caught over and over because they are ordinary , boring , entitled , abusive , arrogant , "FAKE" SUPERMAN CHILDREN who are very predictable, they lie , threaten abuse , and it's the same shit everyday part of calling them out is not that they find new ways to decieve what it is , they pull tactics they have used previously on others , but you haven't seen yet but once you have seen the full range of their bullshit lies , harassment , trying to terrorize the person they are flipping out on its just because the behavior thats new to you is some shit they had in their back pocket for later when youve caught tyem on all of their other simpleton behaviors , you give them way too much credit , they come up with nothing new , they do not change , so it is juat some shit they havent shown you yet thats all , mi e is so lazy and supid he gets caught everytime and its the same old manipulation , trying to make someone afraid , this is something my dumbass says everytime he gets mad for getting called out what people need to do is stop being afraid of them because they are fake tough guys and narscissistic men are pussies they talk that tough giy shit and how they will do x,y,z . But in reality the only person they really try to hurt is the person they are dealing with they are to pussy to actually face another man who would put them on their ass , so stop being afraid to call them out , and if it gets dangerous that's what 911 is for and all the name calling gaslighting bullshit tell them in their face you aren't falling for the bullshit and if they get mad leave of you are scared mine gets mad because it don't work with me and he gets mad because I have stopped listening to my piece of shit narc I'm at the end of this twilight zone bullshit they are nothing more than children in grown men's bodies
Even a sincere heart-to-heart conversation about your relationship backfires. So many discussions with my mother ended up with no progress. Punishment in various ways follows. She's turned family members against me. What hurts the most is her persistent ignoring of me. Living in silence is a killer.
Thank you so much…I just visited my 84 y/o father and sat on both my hands for 3 hours secretly flipping him off while his hateful and bigoted monologue rolled over me. I am 62 and had a little grey rock in my pocket so I wouldn’t blow up.
I wanted to explain to my Dad how much he had hurt me, the ways he'd done it, etc. I desperately wanted him to understand that some of my "crazy" was due to him. I thought that maybe, just maybe, as his daughter, I had a chance of getting through to him. I didn't say the word "narcissist". Now I understand how naive that was, but I didn't get it at the time (or for a few years afterward). I did it. He didn't seem angry, although he was in his 70s, so maybe he'd gotten really good at hiding it. Perhaps he went cold instead - he has a history of that. He paused and thought for about 30 seconds. Then he said, "If I had it to do all over again, I'd do it exactly the same way." No excuses, no denials, no blame-shifting, no overt anger, just a devastating kind-of acknowledgement of the pain he caused me, and a clear declaration that my pain wasn't worth him changing ANYTHING. It wrecked me for over a year. We're NC now. I wonder if he's more of a sociopath, honestly.
For anyone contemplating to do this Dr Ramani is correct. I told my mom she was a narcissist and the campaign smear afterwards was awful. I was called crazy, on drugs, she even implied that I was schizophrenic. This pushed me to open a nonprofit for mental health. I made a podcast on my healing and what happened between us doesnt hurt as much anymore. I really wish my mom and I had a better relationship but it's the way it is. Sending love from Brooklyn 🇯🇲❤
This is spot on. Been in this relationship for 41 years. Only five years or so ago did I begin to understand the what and why of his behaviors. I’ve called him out, many times. He’s only become more defiant (covert) and purposeful. It’s awful. Cut your losses and move on. They aren’t worth it.
I didn't label him as a overt narcissist, I just let him know what he was doing. What I got back was rage, denial, and blame shifting. I didn't label her as a covert narcist, I just let her know what she was doing. What I got back was denial, blame shifting, and the silent treatment. ( Her daughter later told me she does that all the time.)
My counselor put this image in my head, ( I’m very visual.), she said, imagine yourself with bullet proof bands around your wrists, & when they hit you with “ bullets”, picture yourself putting your arms up, with the bullet wrists, & block the bullets, it truly works...
As much as I'm struggling to admit this, you are so right Dr Ramani.... it just hurts so much feeling so helpless knowing they got away with purposely hurting me...yes I feel sorry for myself....I'm just so angry I got dealt with such a sheety set of cards in life...my mum, dad, ex, then my two daughters.... It just hurts
I sooo get it why we can't call them out. Tried it once or twice. What happened was the gaslighting over and over and I became so outraged and lost my cool. Regretted immediately because my parents saw the clash and they were in tears. I hurt my parents because of calling out my narcissistic sister. Best decision in my life was staying away physically and emotionally from her.
Calling out my ex backfired. Despite me calling him out and spelling out everything he's done and how it's impacted me, he still has continued to do it to this day. He's surrounded by enablers and flying monkeys. I wish I listened to everyone early on in the relationship. I would've grey rocked and slowly backed out of the relationship until he left me and allow him to think he's won to save my peace if I had known.
I made these mistakes yesterday with a narcissistic friend that I’ve been trying to navigate. I was tired and frustrated, and just couldn’t take it anymore. She was being so manipulative and controlling, not respecting my boundaries that I repeatedly tried to kindly but firmly exert. I was sick of it and felt a need to stand up for myself and mistakenly thought she would see a different perspective. But nope. She blame shifted it all onto me and it was really upsetting. She can never apologize. Everything’s all my fault. I can’t do anything right with her, it’s exhausting so sadly felt a need to block her to stop it all and stepping back from the friendship. I guess I felt a need to speak my truth. But now struggling with it wishing I had not bothered saying anything. No idea what to do anymore. 😢
My advice is to start on the healing journey. You’re never going to change them. Yes having said what you did is uncomfortable but is that worse than been in a joyless friendship where you are constantly being invalidated and demeaned? Let the healing begin! I went through the mix of emotions feeling sadness, anger, grief, relief and confusion: it’s normal
Well, you’re not alone. I exploded on my mom big time a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t have any control over what I was saying. Basically I was telling my truth. Ending up telling her I felt unloved. What shall I say, I am paying dearly for it. Silent treatment, nasty email, manipulation etc. It’s nasty and there’s only so much you can take. I definitely didn’t intend for this to happen.
@Costello and Lizzie Volk, But what would have helped move the needle if you hadn't said anything? Something needed to change for you in that relationship that left you feeling frustrated. Being kind with certain people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, etc., (because you're a nice person) are the exact things that leave us feeling disrespected, frustrated and tired. ( And gives THEM the green light to keep on the same behavior with us. ) It doesn't seem like a friendship worth keeping. You deserve better. I've been through several of these "friendships". At nearly 70 years old, I've had enough! I no longer feel any guilt for turning my head to these types of people, even if they are family members. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me, any more, either!
Thank you for being real blunt about narcissistic people and educating me. I reconnected with a narcissistic frienenemy (friend/enemy) as our husband's work together and we're all a part of a jetski family. I explained it to my husband, it's like playing a video game, once you learn how to play it, it's actually quite fun. It was funny to hear her describe her daughter's father as a narcissist when she's the narcissist. I now have the knowledge and educated myself the tools to respond or not respond, and control the interaction and conversation. I kinda feel like a cat playing with a mouse. She is SO love bombing me right now and trying so very hard to get me to ask her what's wrong when she tells me she's sad and on the verge of tears. I respond by saying "sending virtual hugs...I got a funny story" it worked. She wanted to hear the story and it made her laugh. To thank you again for all that you do. Have a great day
It's crazy how narcissistic people can recognize narcissism in other people and not themselves. Both my mom and my ex husband are and they will call out each other without looking in a mirror.
I called my ex out multiple times for gaslighting, mental abuse, dismissiveness to my feelings. Watching this video made me laugh because her reactions were identical as you described. Sometimes it would trigger the dreaded silent treatment and multi day long moody behaviour. But the thing that I realise hurts the most… she simply didn’t care. When faced with examples and ‘proof’, she just didn’t react. I think there was one time I pleaded with her to just say something about it!! I think, my pushing back against her dominating nature and speaking up against the abuse was what caused her to discard me. If only I had found these videos at the time. It could’ve saved me a lot of pain.
Lee Hammock’s wife called him a narcissist as she walked out which led to him looking it up & seeking therapy & now he his channel helps thousands get help & understand & recover, so calling narcs out can achieve positive outcomes, also empaths, sigmas, INFJs, we instinctively blurt out the truth once we know it, even if it blows up in our face, we cannot enable secrets, lies, denial, blame-shifting to carry on unchallenged, life’s too short
See, this is me. I have no filter and call it as I see it. Lifes too short for this kind of bullshit. I was duped but grew from learning about this type of behavior.
And he still can't change and says it in his videos. They "change" to keep people from abandoning them. They help people to con people into believing they changed. Also they instantly become experts in their field.
Lee Hammock is a so called "Unicorn" meaning he is an NPD on the lower spectrum of narcissism.. Calling narcissists out is going to backfire in most cases... And because of DARVO narcissists often flip the situations around and call YOU the narcissist. It literally goes nowhere and you might get flying monkeys after you. Lee Hammock is an exception to the rule.
IDK long as they have no power to really hurt you, IT IS VERY SATISFYING. I wasn't looking for justice or revenge, or to change them, just wanted them to know I did figure them out so they'd never want to bother me again. It's worked, I flipped it on me for them, like go ahead and think I'm the narcissist projecting my own bs, there was nothing for them to say because I said everything in an email. Silent treatment? Silence is golden.
My daughter and I called out my narcissistic wife. Things went from bad to worse. It was like we pulled the mask off and she held nothing back. The lying and manipulation we experienced before was nothing comparatively. She then had no shame and started bold-faced lying. I wish this video came out a month earlier. 😢
@@brandynicjones I’m sorry to hear that. It’s been a living nightmare. She came home again at 5:30AM. No contact, no communication, no excuse. Drove home blackout drunk, again! My poor daughter is now 14 and the trauma she’s endured is unenviable.
My dad died and she tried to keep it hidden from me and my daughter. She is also a raging alcoholic/ weed head. I know what you guys are going through my prayers are with you❤️
@@fee8784 Just a friendly suggestion, get her in counseling, if her counselor dosent suit her change counselors. She is a such a vulnerable age. Give eachother love and support, best wishes for both your futures.💜🙏👍
Thank goodness for the block function. That shielded me from the backlash of calling them out. If you can't cut them off, I wouldn't call them out, cutting them off is ultimately the best answer.
Thanks for the reminder of this truth. Why do I need to hear this truth from someone more than once for years while thinking that calling anyone out in public would help to warn others about them? I admit to be still in need of counselling. Way better idea than for example while in person to be in public calling out that one top dog who right now who is constant reminding all of the rest of us human beings on planet earth about how according to him the 100th anniverasary on Dec 5, 2022. If it isn't my assigned responsiblity to do so I better not. Because I cannot change any narcissist or any of their enablers. Maybe I can start using my gratitude for not being a Russian citizen right now or his former wife being sanctioned too all while being arbitrarily lumped in as being only the rest of his enablers.
Unfortunately I had no idea what I was dealing with until AFTER the grand show down….through my healing I’ve learned sooo much. So instead of blaming myself, I forgive myself and am a victor not a victim. It is a blessing but NOT easy to clear generations of narcissists! 🙏🏻🏆💪🏻💕🎉
DR RAMANI YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED & RESPECTED & TREATED LIKE THE PRECIOUS GIFT OF GOD THAT YOU ARE. Thank you for helping me heal from the Verbal, Physical & Emotional Abuse that I suffered at the hands of my Narcissistic ex wife. She was brutally CRUEL & Physically Violent. One time she hit me across the face with a wooden Lamp Stand & had it not hit me in the chin it could have killed me. So if anyone thinks that Females can't be horrible Narcissistic Abusers they are WRONG!!!🎯👊😎👍
Worst thing I ever did was try to call out my narcissist abuser It only gave them more power I just went on with my life they don’t give a damn whatsoever so eventually naturally I stopped giving a damn and bowed out gracefully and took the loss And it was actually a win
Me and my family happened to call my mom out. Not like an intervention, but just told her that she does something in particular and we all agreed. Omg she blew tf up. Yelled loudly at everyone, said that we bullying her and putting her down, stormed upstairs to her room and played the biggest victim. It was a horrific experience. She cried and everything.
I called out an narcissist when I didn’t realize he was a narcissist. The rage was unreal. Like a normal person would be like you know you’re right I am in the wrong here and didn’t realize it but nope dude had an episode of epic proportions. Narcissist have to feel like they’re above you and have to be better than you. They have zero humility
It was so painful when I realized there will be no closure or she will never be willing to meet me half way or consider my emotions or needs. After 15 years I realized I had to walk away with no closure and no understanding the whys of the abuse. For years I would ask over and over why me why so cruel what did I do? One day I started to see the gaslighting, the clarity was sooo loud I could not ignore it anymore and I had to make a decision. From then on it was just time to make a decision as to when I was going to leave and break free. Easier said than done. I had no idea how much power she had over me and her hoovering and manipulative behavior was on. A mixture of counseling, God, friendships, and love of those who knew me better allowed me to slowly walk away, with pain in my heart but free from abuse. The most painful 15 years of my life.
Thank you, Dr Ramani! I needed to hear this! You described my feelings exactly. I battle those feelings of unfairness. A family member has consistently gotten worse over the years & for some reason I am her 'victim'!! She is currently trying to convince the rest of the family I'm "not quite right" (insane, though she hasn't yet come out & used that word). She manages to 'charm' everyone else, convincing them her lies are fact. I have struggled a lifetime trying to understand why no one else can truly see her! Your videos help me so much toward accepting that this is my life & helping me step back.
Truly understanding the futility of calling out the narcissist is incredibly difficult. I read articles and watch videos, and I understand intellectually this is the wrong move. However, in unguarded moments, I obsess on ways to call out my narcissist. I have to mentally rehearse how I can avoid calling out my narcissist should our paths cross. I am exercising “no contact”, but my narcissist has a strong financial interest in hovering me. It is only a matter of time before my narcissist arranges contact that I cannot predict. Watching videos like this help me prepare. Thank you.
Thank you for your videos! I moved in with my boyfriend and his mom like 6 years ago to escape my own narcissistic raging alcoholic father. Turns out his Mom was literally the same. I didnt realize it till after I had my two kids. She would say shitty passive aggressive things or down play my accomplishments unless they aligned with her interest. She is a classic covert victim playing narcissist and now shes acting like everything has to be her way with MY KIDS. Ive already X-ed out my familys opinions/ties besides just supervised visits so damn sure not taking her shit. She yelled and charged at me in front of my kids for literally just asking her to respect the house rules. Then lied to my husband about it. He doesn't believe anything she says since she's been the same narcissistic person his whole life. Im a stay at home mom right now so im constantly with her. Needless to say She has went on a full smear campaign on me unless my husband is home then she plays nice. She has not helped me with any housework AT ALL. My husband works all day and we have a 2 yo and a 1 yo. She expects me to handle it all even though she is actively making messes. She is constantly trying to manipulating my husband. He sees right through her but since she alienated him from child He views her as his only family besides us. I took my stand and I said I will only do another year so everyone can get their finances together. Take your stand it may be uncomfortable but you ignoring them and not giving them that attention that they seek is the ONLY way. Dont let them gaslight you. Watch ALL these videos cause they may save your marriage if you are in a similar situation. Trust your gut you know when people are being fake with you and don't fall for their victim bullshit. Their sad childhoods don't make up for their shitty personalities.
I go out of my way to avoid triggering the narcissistic person in my family because I know they will NEVER become anything other than who they have always been. You are right. "THEY DON'T CARE." Period. They. Don't. Care.
Dr.Ramani, great video! Thank you! The truth about our societal systems being conniving to narcissism is something I experienced and experience a lot. We do live in a toxic human society. Just thinking out loud: What could work to develope better awareness of narcissism and therefore better/ supportive structures for victims of narcissistic abuse? What about lawyers receiving education on that? Doctors? the list goes on... Your work, Dr.Ramani, is for sure one powerful strategy for education. Yes, I was one of those people who heard for the first time about narcissism from you, and having THAT word opened a door for freeing myself from that marriage!!! For ever grateful!
This is so painful yet cathartic, Dr. Ramani. My grandchildrens mother (ex DIL) is a full on vulnerable narcissist w BPD & HPD. Her children are suffering. It is breaking my heart. I cannot ghost her or Not talk to her or Not celebrate Christmas without seeing her. And of course, any holiday or birthday is a cluster f*ck. I am unfortunately in no position to take them. Their dad (my son) is not really in the picture. I feel like you're talking about her specifically as if you personally know her.
Could you possibly make a talk on: How does one self-protect and self-defend in the moment (without calling the NPD out) when the cup of her abuse runneth over? Before I knew to not call them out, I had enough once and firmly-angrily told her to stop telling lies about me, as she did so to her friend right beside me. She then turned her behaviour around , telling me vulnerably how afraid she waas of anger and that she loved me(!). One of his friends whom I asked for advice (or help) on how to manage her, replied that she had abused him too, but he had learnt how to handle her. (he didn't tell me how he does it, but is stronger, healthier, tougher, harder, more self-confident than I). She doesn't abuse ppl who are stronger, self-confident, healthier or she considers having a higher social rank.I get ill from stress, fear, unsafety, nervousness, worry, depression, disheartenment and even suicidal thoughts, from her relentless abuses. I want and need to find a way of dealing with it/her so I don't get so tense, weak and and unhappy. I don't have anybody understanding or a therapist, so I have to do it myself. please reply if you have the time. Thank you.
thank you "from the chimneys of my heart" dr. ramani. i have been watching your videos over the past year and they have helped me immensely. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 10 years and your videos really helped validate my own feelings and establish real boundaries. I have since left the relationship. Thank you for pioneering in this education for the masses, I dont think I would have learned this without you and even if i did learn it, it might have been too late. I wish you health and harmony always.
For the most part I grey-rock, resist the baiting and the breadcrumbing. But living together with children who are being triagulated and used as flying monkeys, whose health needs must be addressed - means that communication has to occur. It usually results in a lecture on my inadequacy - my comments strictly avoid any reference to analyzing or labelling or any criticism - except the implied criticism which occurs when I defend myself. This involves unpicking the gaslighting. What still amazes me is how much like the Lernaean Hydra. Every time you knock one its heads off several more grow back. This is one of your best presentations.
I'm at the end of an over 4 years relationship with a covert narcissistic man. Unknowingly of his narcissism, as an empath, I have tried all these things in the past, making things worse. NoThinG ever works. The relationship has always been unfair. He doesn't love and care, he says he does, but his actions speak otherwise. I'm done with it. I'm moving to a different country. Literally.
I love this video, mainly because the last time I talk to somebody that had me believing that I had become a narcissist did pretty much exactly what you described in here where he called me out on things, accuse me of things I didn't do and I have proof of the situations going differently and the best part about it was that after he did the silent treatment for a year and I sent my apology letters to everything he accused me of and he still said that I was missing something and all this other crap. So in reaching out to him the last time I had been through stoicism enough and your videos enough that I was able to keep my calm through his accusations and his paragraphs of accusations and this technical term for that and all the other garbage, at the very end he did not win to get my emotions riled up so I just laughed at him and he then did the "You obviously haven't changed and you're too far gone for me to help. I'm blocking you, I don't want you to starve but you won't be eating at my table" hahaha!! Haha, what a relief I had after that because I know he will not be talking to me for at least a year. Lol thank you so much for these videos! They helped me to remain calm and that you stoicism for helping me stay calm.
My "why" is to state that I will not be spoken to like a child or treated differently or disrespectfully because I don't conform to "Christian" expectations. It's not about calling them out on their behavior; it's about stating for myself about what behaviors I will not tolerate, regardless of familial association. The cut-off is coming!
The whole reason they are the way they are is to keep themselves hidden. In order to dominate others, it's important that all others stay in the dark about the tools and tactics they have in reserve. If this or that doesn't work, they pull out the next trick to keep you under their heel.
Called him out finally after years we haven’t been in touch really but share a dog so not easy to escape. In fact they can be charming so here and then o had doubts. BUT the reply was so intense and purely evil so now it’s crystal clear it helped a lot to call him out!
Thank you Dr Ramani. My parents are both narcissistic. I have a teacher, narcissistic as well. I'm a truthteller. They've always hated me. I think I'm getting used to it. This feels really dark. How can I escape those soulless evils?
Keep your contacts to minimum. Your peace and sanity is very important so protect it. You are responsible for the quality of people you allow near you. Minimize the contact or go No contact and cut them off of your life. If you let them into your life too much it can make your sick physically eventually. Take good care of yourself and put YOU first. Pick new friends who will respect, honor, appreciate and celebrate you. Much Love ❤️
Maybe Doctor Ramani , instead of a love heart you should reach out to people with the wealth created from this post rehashing people's past painful journeys
There's a pattern that I've noticed with a lot of narcs that I've dealt with in my life, but haven't been able to find any videos on: when narcissists step up the toxicity and become more abusive after you do them some kind of a big favor that really helps them out.
This is true. I went through this stage of trying to make them realise and all it did was make things worst not just for me but for our daughter also. The best way to get revenge is to pretend they don't exist or at the very least if you must engage with them keep it short and emotionless. Don't praise them in front of your kids but don't put them down either. Just work on yourself and be supportive for your childrens emotions in regards to them and let them dig all the holes. Eventually they will trip themselves up as their landscape, and stories, becomes filled with holes.
Right on! I told the narc "that's gaslighting". Very soon I was told ' That's gaslighting!" in a disrespectful non caring way. Following with damaging behavior affecting everyone, including the innocent bystanders.
From experience, it’s not worth calling out the narcissist. They don’t care. If anything you are giving them supply. If you call them out whether you realize it or not you sink to their level and all those negative feelings they feel, you feel and when you are sucked in your own life suffers. It sucks. It’s hard, especially when you have kids with them etc. If you want some relief, the best advice is to put up your healthy boundaries and stick to them. Tell the narcissist what you won’t tolerate. For example, “when you put me down I won’t engage with you” and then do that. They know when they put you down so when you don’t respond when they do, they get it.
“Their sense of entitlement and arrogance are like cheap cologne, meant to cover up the stink of their insecurity.” Haha, well said, Dr Ramani. Powerful, and true.
She has tons of great quotes! Lol!
Karma
Best to disengage, keep things superficial and find comfort in people who truly care about you.
Absolutely!👌👍👍🤝🏼🌹
Thats what i do and oh my gosh its liberating!
So true
WOW! That is the exact prescription I take!
He still rampaging around though 😅
Calling out a narcissist is precisely what made me realise I was dealing with someone with a disorder and started the education.
Same.
Indeed. I wonder what sort of person would advise people otherwise?
I wonder...dont expose them, dont protect others, dont point out who the manipulative social predators are, now sign up to my "healing" course folks....
Lol
What Dr. Ramani is pointing out is that, you can call them out all you want, but you're only ever going to get irrational crazy making in response. And they are not going to change, ever. I have had enough narcissists in my life to know this to be true. It may be necessary to warn others, but that is another topic. In the case of the narcissist, it's possible to actually put people at risk by calling out a narcissists behaviour to their face because of their often volatile behavior.
@Jo•ana yes, it's been very freeing and strengthening.
@@deadprivacy Dr Ramsni isn’t selling any “sign up now” deals.
She’s NEVER said to “not protect / not help others”.
She’s saying to NOT call them out, in order to avoid years of abuse for yourself & those you’re intending to protect, because you called them out.
Calling them out isn’t the biggest problem... it’s the expectation that a narc will care, & that the abuse will stop.
She then gives tips on HOW TO GET OUT OF IT.
You may want to re-view her video, because she’s literally doing the opposite of what you’ve said.
Living with a narcissist can be like trying to build a sandcastle on a beach where the tide is constantly rising. Whenever you think you've made progress and created something solid, the waves of their ego come crashing in and wash everything away. You may find yourself constantly scrambling to rebuild and protect what you've made, feeling one step behind their unpredictable and self-centered behavior.
Just when you think the seas are calm a rogue wave hits your ship from the side! You nailed it, btw.
Accurate Illustration.
👌🤝🏼💗🌹
Bolt
@@unsearchablethings8167 thank you!
@@sparklecanada0112 thanks
We hunger for closure. And we will not get that from the narcissist. We have to find our own “personal” closure.
Well said
Amen, Chloe.
We will never get proper closure so I decided not closure is to get her trapped I want to speak I tried after the final discard she jumped out my truck the first fact if what I had uncovered. Cops came it was a mess. She couldn't handle the first discovery I had a whole list. She has cut me out avoiding me at all costs that's fine I will wait I will go full detective when the new supply gets deployed the cheating will begin I'll get evidence and I will blackmail I'm very sane but this bitch was a devil and she is going to suffer through it if it takes me to my death
I don't know of one who ever said they shot their narcissist bully. But if they did, I would side with the victim.
why do you need closure?
Personally, I don't care...
only if you think "the relationship" will go on...
You don't need that, you need to find other things to do...
sometimes in life, except defeat, remember, don't forgive, learn...never go on in case of red flags..
trust your intuition...trust you...
I tried empathy, sympathy, forgiveness and calling it out. I'm now no contact.
this is the way!
Same...painful but it is the best way
yes i finally came to the same conclusion. i wanted to try so much - for 3 years! no contact is the only solution.
Lol! 😂 I guess we are not alone
Me, too! Grey rocking is a viable alternative for me, and I’m planning to learn more about this dynamic that exists between an empathetic person and a narcissist! I like what Dr. Ramani suggests, too!: Disengaging and finding other things to do that helps us to focus on other pleasant pursuits, people, entertainment, and, for me, prayer and my faith! ❤God will never leave me nor forsake me! May God bless Dr. Ramani and all of you!
"To teach someone something they have to care enough about you to listen to you and to be opened enough to receive the lesson" ... that is brilliant. Serves as a quote ♡
That is a priceless statement. Very true.
I’m not letting him know. My silence has enraged him. Not engaging has him spinning . I’m not supply. This really works.
The days away have awakened me. I am grateful for these videos. So affirming😊😊😊😊
Ignoring kills them.
More power to you….I am quite empathic, and I supposed the wife is taking full advantage of that. She was on her best behavior until she roped me in. Then all hell broke loose! Took me a long time to understand what was going on, and a great deal of effort, time, and money to try to keep her happy. Little did I know I married someone that can never be satisfied and is absolutely an empty and hateful human. The behavior is sub-human in my opinion - it is of the devil or hell!
@@massimo7219 thank you, I spoke my opinion as the truth as I see it! It’s a terrible way to live. Hopefully soon I can free myself. Have a 12 yo son, and absolutely must get custody when it comes time. Cannot allow him to suffer under her evil dictatorship.
Perfect timing.excellent advice.how abusive they can become too you avoid it at all cost
Love this Sandra
I don’t want to call out the narcissist in my life but I would LOVE it if the people that are totally fooled by them would see them for what they are and STOP telling me I need to forgive them and allow them to continue their narcissistic behavior and abuse!! Now that is NOT going to happen!!
Yes! I've been told by others Tham I'm not being a good Christian if I don't have a relationships with my narcissists! I wanted to scream! But, after listening to Dr. Romani I have a quiet confidence that I've made the right decision, and knowledge that those people will never understand the reality I lived with.
@@donnawomack4223 my source of problems are from the same group of people. I totally think we should forgive people BUT… we also need to discern the people we allow ourselves to associate with and when their intentions are not for your good, but for their own I personally don’t think we should put ourselves in harms way for their benefit. I have a huge ridiculous story that is just the newest chapter in my life book where I have had to endure A LOT due to a people’s selfish narcissistic behavior, this time it was during one of the most dramatic times in my life, dealing with my parents last months of life!!! Devastating!!!!
Literally what’s happening to me right now
They haven't been in the full crosshairs of one of these demons. My favorite is "well this is why they are frustrated with you" even if there are borderline true reasons they grossly exaggerate and are doing "frog boiling" to get people to believe them
Amen Baby I call them out and I could careless what they say I do it over s text or I leave them a message and answer machine you will not abuse me you will not gaslighting me you will get called out and I wait for the silent treatment good they are miserable the moment that you loose them you feel so free
They don’t care but they love it that you do! That’s how they control you. It’s all about control. As long as they are in control they act almost normal, almost.
I called out a Narc ex-friend recently for her bad behaviour in front of a group of friends, fully knowing what her reaction would be, and it felt great. For once, she finally was lost for words. I already ended our friendship a couple years ago…note, I didn’t call her a narcissist, I just called out her behaviour.
I saw the rage of my ex, after her sister called her out. I saw the response and finally saw who she was. I was too scared to do the same, but I was able to quietly and calmly leave the relationship.
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects.
To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control.
Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
I just called out my narc ex for dating me and another girl at the same time and the way he raged at me and spoke to me like I was a stranger on the street. Not someone he's "loved" for 7 years. It's truly unbelievable
My ex did the same to me and immediate blocked me . I’m a peacemaker but I am learning everyday to get over myself trying to change them . He never deserved me and I want no one in my life that doesn’t serve me and help me fill my life’s purpose .
Yup....their very strange ...
You're right, Dr. Ramani. I've made this mistake of confronting them and hoping things would change...and they never did. It backfired on me. A smear campaign was then conducted. And you know what? I'm a mental health professional but sometimes when you're so close to a problem, it becomes distorted. I had the illusion that if they heard it coming from a professional that it would somehow hold more merit. Wrong! Thank you for this video. I have learned so much from you. You are valued more than you realize.
I relate so much with you. I work in MH too. I’m so embarrassed I keep saying to myself. “How could I let this happen to me?”
@@ragtopannie It’s so much more difficult when one is emotionally invested.
It’s like the film ‘They Live’ when the shades 😴😎 are removed 👁
Please don’t be hard on yourself ❤
Sending lots of love to you.
Same!!! Just incredible to live through!!!
Your realization that the Narcissist is a monster and your departure is the real justice.
When I didn't know this was narcisism, I tried many time to help my mother see the light. It failed every time and even worse, she "forgot" about it every time. And of course I still thought this was all my fault, i just didn't try hard enough, i just didn't work hard enough. This went on for almost 20 years, until a few weeks ago when I finally learned what this is.
Yeah, I called my Mom out, and now, whenever I feel like I miss her, I pull out her resulting emails full of awful things, and I reread them. From mocking me to telling me I'm the narcissist, there is no apology, no guilt, and not a shred of kindness. I call them her love letters. It was worth it to me, but I was the scapegoat and losing my whole family wasn't that big of a loss.
@ K. Journey, been there and I agree.
same
Same with my mom. Going to be difficult when she passes. I’m keeping all the horrible messages as a reminder so I don’t become super depressed and forgot all of the monstrous things she has said and done.
I wish I watched this video earlier.
I called her out and it has been nearly 1 year now that she doesn't talk to me.
She celebrates Christmas and festivities with the golden child and cut me out.
She triangulated us of course and my sister also does not talk to me.
Pure silence treatment to punish me.
It really hurts that the only person in this world who should unconditionally love me does not love me at all.
Seeing loving parents around really hurts.
I have never been hugged,never once I heard I was loved.
She never paid a compliment to me.She always criticise me or tried to diminish me.
I am a HSP and this situation is really painful and cry every day because of that.
It is tough but I will have to live with that and I will never initiate contact.
@@sd1332 I'm so sorry. No one deserves that. I lost everyone too, but I didn't regret it. Maybe look at this as a time to build your life in a direction that isn't touched by that sort of negativity and cruelty.
I am a narcissist, and came by the realization about a decade ago (I think by reading one of Dr. Ramani's articles). I'm actually pretty open about it and I've worked very hard at overcoming it and changing my behaviors. Even so, if someone other than my therapist or significant other were to call me out as a narcissist I think that it's very likely I would respond defensively and dishonestly. I agree with Dr. Ramani here. Don't call them out, they're almost certainly incapable of responding like you'd hope.
Hi James. Why is my narcissist only mean to me. Everyone else thinks she’s so wonderful, warm and generous.
@@Lena-cl6ye My brother has been always like this as well, so nice and adorable for others, but to me so mean, beating me, humiliating me ... And then people probably was thinking "that woman must be wierd or is something wrong with her cause otherwise he is not like this", nowaday we don't talk and I'm relieved. I also want to know why I was his victim.
@@Lena-cl6ye Despite being one, I am not an expert on narcissists and I don't know you or your situation. I can only tell you how I deal with other narcissists, which is to not take anything personally and avoid entanglement with them at all costs. No one deserves to be treated badly, and it's not your fault she's mean to you while being flattering and fake to everyone else.
Hi James, thanks for sharing. What do you think made you come to your realization? Was it the knowledge you learned by itself or did something happen in your life where you might have seen that your behavior was hurting you and you wanted to change? If it was an event? What did it take? With your realization ten years ago, how much better (or not) is your life today? Thanks again for your insight.
It’s wild to me y’all co opt spaces meant for survivors with your ‘Im aware and getting help’ rhetoric. Like why can’t we have our own spaces. There are spaces meant for you but there’s a reason you prefer those meant for survivors 🙄🥱
I called her out on it, showing to her that I was not scared of her and not intimidated by her and she’s left me alone ever since!!!
I have been learning to shift from seeking understanding and justice with a narcissist to understanding their “mechanisms” of behavior (having better insight ahead of time as to how they will and won’t respond). Then I try to handle each situation with them with less of my own energy lost . . .
The key phrase above for me has been:
“ . . . have been learning”. It’s a process!
I'm definitely in the process.
I believe this depends on what you want to achieve by calling them out. If you're hoping for a different relationship or to have the narcissist recognise themselves in what you tell them, then you will most likely be disappointed. However, if your aim is to have them discover your feelings about who they are, after which you set some boundaries or leave them altogether, then this can feel like justice and bring you closure.
Right on. You’ve got to be willing to walk away before calling them out.
There is no way to be on solid ground with a narcissistic personality disordered person. It's best to keep your dignity and just walk away. You're 100% correct in this video and in all that you teach, Dr. Ramani. No way to defend yourself or have a relationship with them as they're unwilling to self reflect on their behavior. Best to work on your own behavior, go to a therapist, and work on good relationships.
Living with a narcissist and their enablers has to be one of THE most soul exhausting experience. You get to walk on eggshells everyday, cannot call them out because they either use it against you or subject you to further abuse. Even worse in family dynamics, it feels inescapable and at times even helpless. One thing I've learned, if there is anybody who does NOT deserve a good person, it would be the narcissist/s. I'd also add their enablers in this list, they too don't deserve genuine and empathetic people.
Definitely appreciate your comments here...
Amen sister
@@kalkhan816 🙌🏽❤
Definitely a great comment to the depth of what you will experience with one.
“Calling them out on anything is like throwing A Hail Mary pass with a boomerang! WOW!!!!!
I called out a narcissist and they initiated NC. Honestly worked in my favour.
NC?
he will be back..in time...watch your back..
the only way is to get them not interested...
go overweight, be a smelly cat with 10 cats, ask them for money, be a narcissist narcissist...
in time they will find better sources of empathy..
I
Congratulations!
I'm jealous lol
@@TheSpiritRoom23 no contact
Your videos are so helpful. I've experienced all the things you at my workplace. HR protects the supervisors. I had to get an employee relations attorney to protect my job as I transition to retirement. While all this is going on I've helped 4 people promote, mentored several staff, helped 2-3 people pivot into new jobs. If you're still reading this I hope you have a great day.
As soon as i called her out on her making me feel insignificant and she claimed i was projecting my unhappiness onto her, and at that point i had to realize she was too far gone and she discarded me. Its been 2 months but man its scary how much i let her in to only turn it on me. I hate being empathic sometimes😢
This is the story of my last marriage. I never realized how abusive she was until I got away from her for a while.
The correct term is empathetic.
But watching this lady might mislead you in such things somewhat one might suggest.
Sometimes I feel overly empathetic and that gets me in trouble. It’s an amazing power to feel so deeply but we also need to learn how to have balance and not lose ourselves in the process. I don’t know what I’m talking about as I’m also exploring this myself but I thought to give you my honest thoughts on the subject.
I can sincerely relate to your words. Same here.
I exposed him packed my stuff told him how little his junk is,( spilt in his face (not proud of that)and left. He hasn't bothered me as of yet. . Only time will tell.
So true. It backfires everytime. I was told “you’ve been watching too many UA-cam videos”
I was told that and told stop watching the videos yet all the stuff they do fits this description and is stopping me from living life I wood think
Thank you for what you do! It's IMPORTANT! 💛
Calling out a narcissist will only make them resort to playing a victim! It ain't worth it! I thought I could finally get an apology from my father for terrifying me as a child with his rage and insults, etc. He was quite old and frail and I was doing so, so many things to help him. And do you know what he said..."Well, but you're being mean to me now". WOW!
Nowadays my revenge is in just knowing the games they play and not playing along, grey rock/yellow rock, etc.
Yellow Rock???
Yellow rock is a variation on gray rock that Tina Swithin, author of "One Mom's Battle", came up with because her kids were little and it was upsetting them for her to act so coldly to their father.
Yes, I learned what NOT to do, after the fact. Had no idea that confrontation with my narcissistic ex would lead to hell on Earth.
It does..
Yup they're douches...
The universe has opened and shined on me today. Incredibly grateful for the timing of this video. My mind has been meditating on the fact that the perverse, malignant narcissists will be, yet again, reentering my geography. Do I dodge them by finally speaking the truth or just being unavailable? Dr. Ramani has spoken, and the message has been received! Thank you :)
One week out after almost a year of learning about this exhausting behavior Thank you so Dr Ramani for validating my reality you gave me the courage to leave🙏❤️
Your absolutely right! How do we win?? Meaning, how do we get justice after years of abuse, shame, internal rage for the unfairness of these sick monsters who are never held accountable? Tons of experts give advice on narcissists , but none can give an answer/ solution on how to get justice and free oneself from the inner hurt and injury that has been done.
My ex, would justify everything they did when called out. There was no logical debate. Always throwing at me how terrible I am. Then when he left, I moved into the house of another narcissist. She wanted the glory of saying she saved me. She would self identify as a narcissist and yet stated, if ever my behavior is problematic, call me out on it. The one time I attempted to diplomatically discuss a behavioral issue...it was thrown back at me. How dare I. What kind of person do I think I am. She started lashing out, accusing me of vile things. Trying to break me into submission. I refused to apologize, I stuck to my guns. Ended up moving out that weekend when she finally decided my reactions where not what she wanted and started to say that I must be a pedophile and the only reason I asked to move in was because of her kids. I've never been so disgusted with someone in my life. Since, she has blocked me from everything. Flips me off when she sees me in the community. Honestly...I've never been more at peace now that I'm not a part of the narcissists lives.
It's fundamental that one calls out the lie the narcissist is telling their self in the moment they are using it to lie to you...meaning, it does no good to address the behaviors that are born of self deception. It's necessary to disrupt the self lie that justified the behavior. 🙏💯
Twenty year relationship. Just realized when I followed the dots, that this weak man is a bonafide narcissist. I made myself quite ill for a year trying to “help” him and the relationship. NOW I see what is going on. I will dry rock from here on in. This person is an enemy. It’s just a matter of time before I never have to see him again. Thank you Dr. Romani! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼✅😘
actually calling them out makes them vigilant and careful of throwing out traits and instead they learn more sneaky ways to attack . It is harmful for the people who are less cognitively intelligent to spot them because they not going to change instead they will manoeuvre more cleverly.
No it does not calling them out actually shows how dumb they really are they are simple minded grown children who think the same tactics work over and over I was raised by narcs so my husband thinks his shit works and when he gets called out and see it don't and he cannot have control than rages and blames me which don't mean shit because it's all lies , they done figure nothing out they use the same tactics that get them caught over and over because they are ordinary , boring , entitled , abusive , arrogant , "FAKE" SUPERMAN CHILDREN who are very predictable, they lie , threaten abuse , and it's the same shit everyday part of calling them out is not that they find new ways to decieve what it is , they pull tactics they have used previously on others , but you haven't seen yet but once you have seen the full range of their bullshit lies , harassment , trying to terrorize the person they are flipping out on its just because the behavior thats new to you is some shit they had in their back pocket for later when youve caught tyem on all of their other simpleton behaviors , you give them way too much credit , they come up with nothing new , they do not change , so it is juat some shit they havent shown you yet thats all , mi e is so lazy and supid he gets caught everytime and its the same old manipulation , trying to make someone afraid , this is something my dumbass says everytime he gets mad for getting called out what people need to do is stop being afraid of them because they are fake tough guys and narscissistic men are pussies they talk that tough giy shit and how they will do x,y,z . But in reality the only person they really try to hurt is the person they are dealing with they are to pussy to actually face another man who would put them on their ass , so stop being afraid to call them out , and if it gets dangerous that's what 911 is for and all the name calling gaslighting bullshit tell them in their face you aren't falling for the bullshit and if they get mad leave of you are scared mine gets mad because it don't work with me and he gets mad because I have stopped listening to my piece of shit narc I'm at the end of this twilight zone bullshit they are nothing more than children in grown men's bodies
Even a sincere heart-to-heart conversation about your relationship backfires. So many discussions with my mother ended up with no progress. Punishment in various ways follows. She's turned family members against me. What hurts the most is her persistent ignoring of me. Living in silence is a killer.
Thank you so much…I just visited my 84 y/o father and sat on both my hands for 3 hours secretly flipping him off while his hateful and bigoted monologue rolled over me. I am 62 and had a little grey rock in my pocket so I wouldn’t blow up.
Yes. It feels very unfair that they get to get away with their crap and we can’t take up for ourselves. It’s so hard to not to take up for yourself.
I wanted to explain to my Dad how much he had hurt me, the ways he'd done it, etc. I desperately wanted him to understand that some of my "crazy" was due to him. I thought that maybe, just maybe, as his daughter, I had a chance of getting through to him. I didn't say the word "narcissist". Now I understand how naive that was, but I didn't get it at the time (or for a few years afterward).
I did it. He didn't seem angry, although he was in his 70s, so maybe he'd gotten really good at hiding it. Perhaps he went cold instead - he has a history of that. He paused and thought for about 30 seconds. Then he said, "If I had it to do all over again, I'd do it exactly the same way." No excuses, no denials, no blame-shifting, no overt anger, just a devastating kind-of acknowledgement of the pain he caused me, and a clear declaration that my pain wasn't worth him changing ANYTHING. It wrecked me for over a year.
We're NC now. I wonder if he's more of a sociopath, honestly.
For anyone contemplating to do this Dr Ramani is correct. I told my mom she was a narcissist and the campaign smear afterwards was awful. I was called crazy, on drugs, she even implied that I was schizophrenic. This pushed me to open a nonprofit for mental health. I made a podcast on my healing and what happened between us doesnt hurt as much anymore. I really wish my mom and I had a better relationship but it's the way it is. Sending love from Brooklyn 🇯🇲❤
As usual you hit me with the right message at exactly the right time , no thank YOU again!! 🙂
This is spot on. Been in this relationship for 41 years. Only five years or so ago did I begin to understand the what and why of his behaviors. I’ve called him out, many times. He’s only become more defiant (covert) and purposeful. It’s awful. Cut your losses and move on. They aren’t worth it.
I didn't label him as a overt narcissist, I just let him know what he was doing. What I got back was rage, denial, and blame shifting.
I didn't label her as a covert narcist, I just let her know what she was doing. What I got back was denial, blame shifting, and the silent treatment. ( Her daughter later told me she does that all the time.)
My counselor put this image in my head, ( I’m very visual.), she said, imagine yourself with bullet proof bands around your wrists, & when they hit you with “ bullets”, picture yourself putting your arms up, with the bullet wrists, & block the bullets, it truly works...
He doesn’t rage, he gaslights. He’s empty inside.
As much as I'm struggling to admit this, you are so right Dr Ramani.... it just hurts so much feeling so helpless knowing they got away with purposely hurting me...yes I feel sorry for myself....I'm just so angry I got dealt with such a sheety set of cards in life...my mum, dad, ex, then my two daughters....
It just hurts
I sooo get it why we can't call them out. Tried it once or twice. What happened was the gaslighting over and over and I became so outraged and lost my cool. Regretted immediately because my parents saw the clash and they were in tears. I hurt my parents because of calling out my narcissistic sister. Best decision in my life was staying away physically and emotionally from her.
Wall art behind you is amazing!!
Calling out my ex backfired. Despite me calling him out and spelling out everything he's done and how it's impacted me, he still has continued to do it to this day. He's surrounded by enablers and flying monkeys. I wish I listened to everyone early on in the relationship. I would've grey rocked and slowly backed out of the relationship until he left me and allow him to think he's won to save my peace if I had known.
I made these mistakes yesterday with a narcissistic friend that I’ve been trying to navigate. I was tired and frustrated, and just couldn’t take it anymore. She was being so manipulative and controlling, not respecting my boundaries that I repeatedly tried to kindly but firmly exert. I was sick of it and felt a need to stand up for myself and mistakenly thought she would see a different perspective. But nope. She blame shifted it all onto me and it was really upsetting. She can never apologize. Everything’s all my fault. I can’t do anything right with her, it’s exhausting so sadly felt a need to block her to stop it all and stepping back from the friendship. I guess I felt a need to speak my truth. But now struggling with it wishing I had not bothered saying anything. No idea what to do anymore. 😢
☹💗🤝🏼🌹
My advice is to start on the healing journey. You’re never going to change them. Yes having said what you did is uncomfortable but is that worse than been in a joyless friendship where you are constantly being invalidated and demeaned? Let the healing begin! I went through the mix of emotions feeling sadness, anger, grief, relief and confusion: it’s normal
Well, you’re not alone. I exploded on my mom big time a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t have any control over what I was saying. Basically I was telling my truth. Ending up telling her I felt unloved. What shall I say, I am paying dearly for it. Silent treatment, nasty email, manipulation etc. It’s nasty and there’s only so much you can take. I definitely didn’t intend for this to happen.
Sorry for your pain. It takes time to process and face the pain, but face it head-on. See it. Feel it. The dragon gets smaller ❤
@Costello and Lizzie Volk, But what would have helped move the needle if you hadn't said anything? Something needed to change for you in that relationship that left you feeling frustrated. Being kind with certain people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, etc., (because you're a nice person) are the exact things that leave us feeling disrespected, frustrated and tired. ( And gives THEM the green light to keep on the same behavior with us. ) It doesn't seem like a friendship worth keeping. You deserve better. I've been through several of these "friendships". At nearly 70 years old, I've had enough! I no longer feel any guilt for turning my head to these types of people, even if they are family members. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me, any more, either!
Thank you for being real blunt about narcissistic people and educating me.
I reconnected with a narcissistic frienenemy (friend/enemy) as our husband's work together and we're all a part of a jetski family.
I explained it to my husband, it's like playing a video game, once you learn how to play it, it's actually quite fun. It was funny to hear her describe her daughter's father as a narcissist when she's the narcissist.
I now have the knowledge and educated myself the tools to respond or not respond, and control the interaction and conversation. I kinda feel like a cat playing with a mouse. She is SO love bombing me right now and trying so very hard to get me to ask her what's wrong when she tells me she's sad and on the verge of tears. I respond by saying "sending virtual hugs...I got a funny story" it worked. She wanted to hear the story and it made her laugh.
To thank you again for all that you do.
Have a great day
It's crazy how narcissistic people can recognize narcissism in other people and not themselves. Both my mom and my ex husband are and they will call out each other without looking in a mirror.
Way to go, shawnshubert6713! Well played - enjoy the game! :)
I'm so glad I did. Now I can work at a better job after being pushed around for months.
One of the best things to learn is where worth while spending your energy - that's the true fight, with yourself.
I called my ex out multiple times for gaslighting, mental abuse, dismissiveness to my feelings. Watching this video made me laugh because her reactions were identical as you described. Sometimes it would trigger the dreaded silent treatment and multi day long moody behaviour. But the thing that I realise hurts the most… she simply didn’t care. When faced with examples and ‘proof’, she just didn’t react. I think there was one time I pleaded with her to just say something about it!!
I think, my pushing back against her dominating nature and speaking up against the abuse was what caused her to discard me.
If only I had found these videos at the time. It could’ve saved me a lot of pain.
I got blocked 🤣
The best thing you can get from a narcissist is. discarded 😀
Lee Hammock’s wife called him a narcissist as she walked out which led to him looking it up & seeking therapy & now he his channel helps thousands get help & understand & recover, so calling narcs out can achieve positive outcomes, also empaths, sigmas, INFJs, we instinctively blurt out the truth once we know it, even if it blows up in our face, we cannot enable secrets, lies, denial, blame-shifting to carry on unchallenged, life’s too short
Hi, fellow INFJ. That's so true!
See, this is me. I have no filter and call it as I see it. Lifes too short for this kind of bullshit. I was duped but grew from learning about this type of behavior.
And he still can't change and says it in his videos. They "change" to keep people from abandoning them. They help people to con people into believing they changed. Also they instantly become experts in their field.
Well a narc. Called me a narcissist..😅and that comment lead me here...
Lee Hammock is a so called "Unicorn" meaning he is an NPD on the lower spectrum of narcissism.. Calling narcissists out is going to backfire in most cases... And because of DARVO narcissists often flip the situations around and call YOU the narcissist. It literally goes nowhere and you might get flying monkeys after you. Lee Hammock is an exception to the rule.
IDK long as they have no power to really hurt you, IT IS VERY SATISFYING. I wasn't looking for justice or revenge, or to change them, just wanted them to know I did figure them out so they'd never want to bother me again. It's worked, I flipped it on me for them, like go ahead and think I'm the narcissist projecting my own bs, there was nothing for them to say because I said everything in an email. Silent treatment? Silence is golden.
My daughter and I called out my narcissistic wife. Things went from bad to worse. It was like we pulled the mask off and she held nothing back. The lying and manipulation we experienced before was nothing comparatively. She then had no shame and started bold-faced lying. I wish this video came out a month earlier. 😢
Same thing happened when I called my mom out! Ever since she has been like a demon possessed psycho! It’s unbelievable!
@@brandynicjones I’m sorry to hear that. It’s been a living nightmare. She came home again at 5:30AM. No contact, no communication, no excuse. Drove home blackout drunk, again! My poor daughter is now 14 and the trauma she’s endured is unenviable.
My dad died and she tried to keep it hidden from me and my daughter. She is also a raging alcoholic/ weed head. I know what you guys are going through my prayers are with you❤️
@@brandynicjones 😔😔😔
@@fee8784 Just a friendly suggestion, get her in counseling, if her counselor dosent suit her change counselors. She is a such a vulnerable age. Give eachother love and support, best wishes for both your futures.💜🙏👍
Can’t talk civil to him, it always turns into a fight. I have been trying to help him, but he doesn’t seem to care about me anymore
Best thing to do is WALK AWAY and DO NOT ENGAGE. Ohhhh how that gets them stirring in their own toxicity
Thank goodness for the block function. That shielded me from the backlash of calling them out.
If you can't cut them off, I wouldn't call them out, cutting them off is ultimately the best answer.
This is a good one: “I’m not a narcissist, I just have narcissistic tendencies”
Thanks for the reminder of this truth. Why do I need to hear this truth from someone more than once for years while thinking that calling anyone out in public would help to warn others about them? I admit to be still in need of counselling. Way better idea than for example while in person to be in public calling out that one top dog who right now who is constant reminding all of the rest of us human beings on planet earth about how according to him the 100th anniverasary on Dec 5, 2022. If it isn't my assigned responsiblity to do so I better not. Because I cannot change any narcissist or any of their enablers. Maybe I can start using my gratitude for not being a Russian citizen right now or his former wife being sanctioned too all while being arbitrarily lumped in as being only the rest of his enablers.
Unfortunately I had no idea what I was dealing with until AFTER the grand show down….through my healing I’ve learned sooo much. So instead of blaming myself, I forgive myself and am a victor not a victim. It is a blessing but NOT easy to clear generations of narcissists! 🙏🏻🏆💪🏻💕🎉
DR RAMANI YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED & RESPECTED & TREATED LIKE THE PRECIOUS GIFT OF GOD THAT YOU ARE.
Thank you for helping me heal from the Verbal, Physical & Emotional Abuse that I suffered at the hands of my Narcissistic ex wife. She was brutally CRUEL & Physically Violent. One time she hit me across the face with a wooden Lamp Stand & had it not hit me in the chin it could have killed me.
So if anyone thinks that Females can't be horrible Narcissistic Abusers they are WRONG!!!🎯👊😎👍
Worst thing I ever did was try to call out my narcissist abuser It only gave them more power I just went on with my life they don’t give a damn whatsoever so eventually naturally I stopped giving a damn and bowed out gracefully and took the loss And it was actually a win
Me and my family happened to call my mom out. Not like an intervention, but just told her that she does something in particular and we all agreed. Omg she blew tf up. Yelled loudly at everyone, said that we bullying her and putting her down, stormed upstairs to her room and played the biggest victim. It was a horrific experience. She cried and everything.
I called out an narcissist when I didn’t realize he was a narcissist. The rage was unreal. Like a normal person would be like you know you’re right I am in the wrong here and didn’t realize it but nope dude had an episode of epic proportions. Narcissist have to feel like they’re above you and have to be better than you. They have zero humility
It was so painful when I realized there will be no closure or she will never be willing to meet me half way or consider my emotions or needs. After 15 years I realized I had to walk away with no closure and no understanding the whys of the abuse. For years I would ask over and over why me why so cruel what did I do? One day I started to see the gaslighting, the clarity was sooo loud I could not ignore it anymore and I had to make a decision. From then on it was just time to make a decision as to when I was going to leave and break free. Easier said than done. I had no idea how much power she had over me and her hoovering and manipulative behavior was on. A mixture of counseling, God, friendships, and love of those who knew me better allowed me to slowly walk away, with pain in my heart but free from abuse. The most painful 15 years of my life.
Thank you, Dr Ramani! I needed to hear this! You described my feelings exactly. I battle those feelings of unfairness. A family member has consistently gotten worse over the years & for some reason I am her 'victim'!! She is currently trying to convince the rest of the family I'm "not quite right" (insane, though she hasn't yet come out & used that word). She manages to 'charm' everyone else, convincing them her lies are fact. I have struggled a lifetime trying to understand why no one else can truly see her! Your videos help me so much toward accepting that this is my life & helping me step back.
You never get justice with a narcissist. Great line.
Truly understanding the futility of calling out the narcissist is incredibly difficult. I read articles and watch videos, and I understand intellectually this is the wrong move. However, in unguarded moments, I obsess on ways to call out my narcissist. I have to mentally rehearse how I can avoid calling out my narcissist should our paths cross. I am exercising “no contact”, but my narcissist has a strong financial interest in hovering me. It is only a matter of time before my narcissist arranges contact that I cannot predict. Watching videos like this help me prepare. Thank you.
Thank you for your videos! I moved in with my boyfriend and his mom like 6 years ago to escape my own narcissistic raging alcoholic father. Turns out his Mom was literally the same. I didnt realize it till after I had my two kids. She would say shitty passive aggressive things or down play my accomplishments unless they aligned with her interest. She is a classic covert victim playing narcissist and now shes acting like everything has to be her way with MY KIDS. Ive already X-ed out my familys opinions/ties besides just supervised visits so damn sure not taking her shit. She yelled and charged at me in front of my kids for literally just asking her to respect the house rules. Then lied to my husband about it. He doesn't believe anything she says since she's been the same narcissistic person his whole life. Im a stay at home mom right now so im constantly with her. Needless to say She has went on a full smear campaign on me unless my husband is home then she plays nice. She has not helped me with any housework AT ALL. My husband works all day and we have a 2 yo and a 1 yo. She expects me to handle it all even though she is actively making messes. She is constantly trying to manipulating my husband. He sees right through her but since she alienated him from child He views her as his only family besides us. I took my stand and I said I will only do another year so everyone can get their finances together. Take your stand it may be uncomfortable but you ignoring them and not giving them that attention that they seek is the ONLY way. Dont let them gaslight you. Watch ALL these videos cause they may save your marriage if you are in a similar situation. Trust your gut you know when people are being fake with you and don't fall for their victim bullshit. Their sad childhoods don't make up for their shitty personalities.
I go out of my way to avoid triggering the narcissistic person in my family because I know they will NEVER become anything other than who they have always been. You are right. "THEY DON'T CARE." Period. They. Don't. Care.
So true about no longer engaging. That’s what I did, and then I pulled away and CUT THEM OFF.
Dr.Ramani, great video! Thank you! The truth about our societal systems being conniving to narcissism is something I experienced and experience a lot. We do live in a toxic human society. Just thinking out loud: What could work to develope better awareness of narcissism and therefore better/ supportive structures for victims of narcissistic abuse? What about lawyers receiving education on that? Doctors? the list goes on... Your work, Dr.Ramani, is for sure one powerful strategy for education. Yes, I was one of those people who heard for the first time about narcissism from you, and having THAT word opened a door for freeing myself from that marriage!!! For ever grateful!
They will deny and deflect.
@Alpaca Megapint savage comment lol
My gf
@Alpaca Megapint 😂😂😂😂😂
This is so painful yet cathartic, Dr. Ramani.
My grandchildrens mother (ex DIL) is a full on vulnerable narcissist w BPD & HPD. Her children are suffering. It is breaking my heart. I cannot ghost her or Not talk to her or Not celebrate Christmas without seeing her. And of course, any holiday or birthday is a cluster f*ck.
I am unfortunately in no position to take them. Their dad (my son) is not really in the picture.
I feel like you're talking about her specifically as if you personally know her.
Could you possibly make a talk on: How does one self-protect and self-defend in the moment (without calling the NPD out) when the cup of her abuse runneth over? Before I knew to not call them out, I had enough once and firmly-angrily told her to stop telling lies about me, as she did so to her friend right beside me. She then turned her behaviour around , telling me vulnerably how afraid she waas of anger and that she loved me(!). One of his friends whom I asked for advice (or help) on how to manage her, replied that she had abused him too, but he had learnt how to handle her. (he didn't tell me how he does it, but is stronger, healthier, tougher, harder, more self-confident than I). She doesn't abuse ppl who are stronger, self-confident, healthier or she considers having a higher social rank.I get ill from stress, fear, unsafety, nervousness, worry, depression, disheartenment and even suicidal thoughts, from her relentless abuses. I want and need to find a way of dealing with it/her so I don't get so tense, weak and and unhappy. I don't have anybody understanding or a therapist, so I have to do it myself. please reply if you have the time. Thank you.
thank you "from the chimneys of my heart" dr. ramani. i have been watching your videos over the past year and they have helped me immensely. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 10 years and your videos really helped validate my own feelings and establish real boundaries. I have since left the relationship. Thank you for pioneering in this education for the masses, I dont think I would have learned this without you and even if i did learn it, it might have been too late. I wish you health and harmony always.
For the most part I grey-rock, resist the baiting and the breadcrumbing. But living together with children who are being triagulated and used as flying monkeys, whose health needs must be addressed - means that communication has to occur. It usually results in a lecture on my inadequacy - my comments strictly avoid any reference to analyzing or labelling or any criticism - except the implied criticism which occurs when I defend myself. This involves unpicking the gaslighting. What still amazes me is how much like the Lernaean Hydra. Every time you knock one its heads off several more grow back.
This is one of your best presentations.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for telling it like it is. You are golden. ❤ "Gradual distancing" is brilliant.
I no longer have contact with my narc dad. That says everything!
I'm at the end of an over 4 years relationship with a covert narcissistic man. Unknowingly of his narcissism, as an empath, I have tried all these things in the past, making things worse. NoThinG ever works. The relationship has always been unfair. He doesn't love and care, he says he does, but his actions speak otherwise. I'm done with it. I'm moving to a different country. Literally.
So excellent and informative as always Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much for this wonderful help for us
Everything from 18:35 on just made me feel so understood and seen. 2 years narc free
Thanks
I love this video, mainly because the last time I talk to somebody that had me believing that I had become a narcissist did pretty much exactly what you described in here where he called me out on things, accuse me of things I didn't do and I have proof of the situations going differently and the best part about it was that after he did the silent treatment for a year and I sent my apology letters to everything he accused me of and he still said that I was missing something and all this other crap. So in reaching out to him the last time I had been through stoicism enough and your videos enough that I was able to keep my calm through his accusations and his paragraphs of accusations and this technical term for that and all the other garbage, at the very end he did not win to get my emotions riled up so I just laughed at him and he then did the "You obviously haven't changed and you're too far gone for me to help. I'm blocking you, I don't want you to starve but you won't be eating at my table" hahaha!!
Haha, what a relief I had after that because I know he will not be talking to me for at least a year. Lol thank you so much for these videos! They helped me to remain calm and that you stoicism for helping me stay calm.
My "why" is to state that I will not be spoken to like a child or treated differently or disrespectfully because I don't conform to "Christian" expectations. It's not about calling them out on their behavior; it's about stating for myself about what behaviors I will not tolerate, regardless of familial association. The cut-off is coming!
Wish I had known this six years ago. I would have handled a difficult family situation much differently.
The whole reason they are the way they are is to keep themselves hidden. In order to dominate others, it's important that all others stay in the dark about the tools and tactics they have in reserve. If this or that doesn't work, they pull out the next trick to keep you under their heel.
Called him out finally after years we haven’t been in touch really but share a dog so not easy to escape. In fact they can be charming so here and then o had doubts. BUT the reply was so intense and purely evil so now it’s crystal clear it helped a lot to call him out!
Thank you Dr Ramani.
My parents are both narcissistic.
I have a teacher, narcissistic as well.
I'm a truthteller. They've always hated me.
I think I'm getting used to it. This feels really dark. How can I escape those soulless evils?
Just know when u speak the truth whether you are speaking to a narcissist or people who aren’t. The truth is hard to hear and admit
Keep your contacts to minimum. Your peace and sanity is very important so protect it. You are responsible for the quality of people you allow near you. Minimize the contact or go No contact and cut them off of your life. If you let them into your life too much it can make your sick physically eventually. Take good care of yourself and put YOU first. Pick new friends who will respect, honor, appreciate and celebrate you. Much Love ❤️
stay strong. minimum contact - you will need excuses and therefore, yeah, stop speaking the truth to them. find real friends.
Maybe Doctor Ramani , instead of a love heart you should reach out to people with the wealth created from this post rehashing people's past painful journeys
@Karen Saikano, truth tellers are really threatening to a narcissist. They must stay undetected.
There's a pattern that I've noticed with a lot of narcs that I've dealt with in my life, but haven't been able to find any videos on: when narcissists step up the toxicity and become more abusive after you do them some kind of a big favor that really helps them out.
@Kigg Lasser
So glad you said that, thank you.
It’s a pattern that unfortunately I am familiar with,
yet hardly anyone covers it.
This is true. I went through this stage of trying to make them realise and all it did was make things worst not just for me but for our daughter also. The best way to get revenge is to pretend they don't exist or at the very least if you must engage with them keep it short and emotionless. Don't praise them in front of your kids but don't put them down either. Just work on yourself and be supportive for your childrens emotions in regards to them and let them dig all the holes. Eventually they will trip themselves up as their landscape, and stories, becomes filled with holes.
Thank you for your important work. ❤🙏👏👍
Right on! I told the narc "that's gaslighting".
Very soon I was told ' That's gaslighting!" in a disrespectful non caring way.
Following with damaging behavior
affecting everyone, including the innocent bystanders.
From experience, it’s not worth calling out the narcissist. They don’t care. If anything you are giving them supply. If you call them out whether you realize it or not you sink to their level and all those negative feelings they feel, you feel and when you are sucked in your own life suffers. It sucks. It’s hard, especially when you have kids with them etc. If you want some relief, the best advice is to put up your healthy boundaries and stick to them. Tell the narcissist what you won’t tolerate. For example, “when you put me down I won’t engage with you” and then do that. They know when they put you down so when you don’t respond when they do, they get it.