Narcissist's Grievances vs. Real Victim's Complaints
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- Опубліковано 1 тра 2024
- The narcissist’s victimhood grievances have to do with appearances: a damaged reputation, deteriorating looks, time wasted, money lost, declining status, or mourned past possessions.
A real victim’s grievances have to do with essence: hurt emotions, negative affects, shattered inner peace, absented sense of safety, inability to trust again, loss of personal identity, broken dreams and promises.
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My ex would walk the old lady across the street NOT to help the old lady, but so that other people would see him doing it and say,"What a good guy!" . All appearances, no true feelings. Thank you, Dr. Vaknin!
A real victim "works" itself to repair its destroyed life. A Narc wants other people to do this work for him.
One of the most hurtful things my ex did was to slander me. She carried out a vast smear campaign against me and greatly damaged my reputation and credibility. Most of what she did was directly damaging to my stability, esteem, and peace of mind. Three years after the breakup, I still have profound anxiety.
So, while most of her abuse hurt me directly, part of it affected my standing among my friends, family and even employers.
I remember during a heated argument with my ex- narcissist, I had a light-bulb moment and told him that he had "no substance" which derailed him from the argument and left him deflated and speechless for hours afterwards and gave me some peace. So I feel immensely validated to hear Professor Vaknin use the same words, "no substance" to describe the internal life of a narcissist.
I would also like to thank him for the way he so aptly enunciated the feelings of the victim after narcissistic abuse, as we can't just pick ourselves up and move on the way the narcissist does.
“No moral compass” and “No connection to source code” are also very good ways to describe them. Pity the fools.
THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO!! For more than a year I've been wondering "Am I the narcissist?" You have validated my grievances. Thank you, thank you!! Now maybe I can move on and put the past behind me.
typical question for non-narcissists
I really have to say Thank you so much Sam for validating my feelings. I am trying to wade through reclaiming myself after 4yrs with a covert malignant narcissist. He knew everything about me. I was questioned in the dock most days like you've said before it was like police interrogation delving into my mind and scrambling it emotionally in order to manipulate me over and over to make me stay in a shared fantasy. Coming from a narcissistic family mum, dad, and sister, I was led to believe all my life I was a bad selfish person and too emotional, I believed them. I'm still trying to undo this, by trying to reclaim my mind, as I have been in denial about being victimised. It's like I feel numb after allowing them all to brainwash me into thinking they were the victims. They were all materialistic, selfish, cold, and unloving, whilst I spent hours in my bedroom as a kid journalling my feelings. I've recently stopped writing because I've felt so dead inside and too tired, but I realise the last round with my ex really took it out of me. So from today after watching your video the real work begins.
I come from a very similar background. I’m learning that healing 100% is impossible; those scars and injuries will always be with us. I like to think of them being in a suitcase in the back of a closet. I know what’s in that suitcase, and while I don’t open it up and make myself feel horrible, I just nod to them and get on with my life. When I go away, I take a different suitcase lol healing to me is more about acknowledging the crap that I went through and then processing it long enough to keep my eyes open so I will never be blind again to these sick people. I wish you peace ❤️🙏
Similar I think It's fight of life fight to love yourself to believe in yourself to make it at the end against all odds .
@@lizstraub6621 Thank you, that analogy helps a lot.
Congrats and enjoy your journey to self! 🎉 enjoy all those things you were denied and I celebrate to beauty you will discover. Stay strong ❤
@@user-yup-you-are-human2 Thank you ❤️ much appreciated ✨
When I was 27, I wrote a song.
"What I used to dream, my dear? The child I used to be..
My gaze was so sincere. My head so clean and my legs free.
But in the way, I've lost it.
Oh. Something emptied my hope.
My treasure, all my kindness
I don't have it to call my own.
Despite I am weak I insist to seek my missed Midas touch.
Looking in the skies and in my entrails something to turn into gold.
I hope I am not alone walking in a path that has no end.
I am standing on the road. I will wait for you to take my hand."
at this point, it was three years since I discovered that I grew up in a dysfunctional family and three years later I would discover maternal narcissism. Only in 2022 would I find this channel and understand the depth of the experiences I'd been through. Thank you for your work, Professor.
My partner whom I have lived with for 14 years constantly tells me how better off he was before he met me, reminding me he had a boat and sports car. He says he has to work so hard because of me to pay all the bills. I have been sending him money every mounth. I finally got him
To show me the costs It
turns out he is only contributing a very small amount. On top of that he is addicted to gambling A few years ago I lost my daughter, but never remind him of the time I have missed with her, because I moved far away to be with him. I do regret it.
Beautiful & soulful lyrics ❤️🩹 I too was very late in realising the depths of depravity within my family of origin... Then like a moth to a flame was drawn to many predictors 🤢💔 The knowledge shared by Prof Vaknin has been absolutely invaluable on my own journey & even helped me to categorise what types had festooned my life ✨ It's been a very tough awakening; but at the same time extremely liberating ❤️ I don't know about you, but I'd carried so much unnecessary baggage & taken far too many of others burdens for my own... I now feel far lighter 🧡 Still working through certain things; but at least I'm learning to value my own peace of mind & heart with the bonus of true discernment 💖 I hope you're finding peace in your own life now too 🧡
@@julialamprell8230I'm sorry for your loss 💔 I hope you're able to get free of this person ✨ If you can, quietly make arrangements get out & re-situated; then you'll be able to recover & live more peacefully without him 💖
@@julialamprell8230 I'm so sorry for you. I hope you find peace amidst all of this.
Absolutely true, yet again.
The heaviest loss I experienced was loss of confidence in my self. I stopped seeing myself as a worthy person
Well played, Dear Sir ! I myself am trying to gain MYSELF back.... Status and money replaceable, so thats easy. Its the Scars from where my Soul was ripped and left bledding I still have to deal with. But they are scars now, and I have the Education now to process and heal as much as I can.
As much as I can.
I finally have Emotional Support in my Life, and this is helping immensely !
Feeling is healing ❤
My flying monkey (weaker narcissist?) mom every time I made noise: "OMG What are the neighbors going to think?!!"
What got her to stop complaining about her wonderful care for all the neighbors she never talks to: "OMG I'm the neighbor! What am I going to think?!!"
Every time they were making noise I'd say: "We're their neighbors! Don't they care about what we think?!"
She hates this. Just the look on her face, body language doesn't lie. The point is, at every or any moment I'm having the same problem she perceived the neighbors were having, she couldn't care less.
Yes, but… I have known a narcissist all my life and I can’t see one external event in his childhood that could be interpreted as trauma. His only trauma I can verify is being born - he seems ti be aggrieved at being brought into this world as is clawing away in revenge at the tragedy of this,
Abusive families abuse in secret when others are not around. Odds are he was abused behind closed doors which is usually the case. The narcissist sociopath wants to maintain the mask of being a normal kind hearted person. Coming from a Abusive family I recognize these things.
@@Lumi-tv5ccabsolutely correct
Maybe he was idealised and put on a pedestal and gave him everything he wanted/needed. He would still turn out to be a narcissist in this case.
My friend was bum chummed by his older brother. His middle brother he loved that was also likely bum chummed died at age 21. I only know because I was at a drunken session and another abused distant friend and him shared a very little of their abuse. If I wasn't there on that one night. I would not have known
@@elinaselenecould be. According to Jordan Peterson over-indulging a child can be a form of abuse: smothered by kindness. But, I still reckon narcissist can be a problem with the hardware, not always software. The professor here is a self-confessed narcissist and he lays this at the feet of childhood trauma, but is he guilty of judging other people by himself? Also, he keeps telling his audience to not trust narcissists and yet he is one!
Spot on.... again!!
Thank you
Glad I watched this. I have a split personality. I’m a true victim and I’m also a narcissist. It’s a real head f**k.
Recently with the memories of abuse I’ve realised I’m looking at myself from the narcissist. Also I realise that my granny brought it and there’s a connection to her too and finally my mum has lived her life through me. I’m carrying her pain her personality her mindset
It’s very disturbing to live with this. My mind is not my own. Taken over at gun point.
It seems like you are conflicted, living life one way, secretly wishing it was another, unsure how to rectify. But theres always ways to recify and improve, become at peace with the self, and peace with as many others as we can. Requires aligning with what truly matters most for ourselves in the longest run
Thank you, prof.
One of your best videos! I have been hurt greatly by people who with hindsight I now recognise as narcissists, not least thanks to your videos. But I take comfort from the fact that I am someone who is capable of being hurt, who is a real person inside.
Thank you. Your description helped clarify things for me. I've been told I was mentally ill, broken, and unloveable for so long (my whole life). I've worked really hard to better myself, and it was never enough. He's always accused me of being the one with anger issues, and more recently abuse, and of course I am not perfect. I think there's still this fairly substantial part of myself that believes that if I just didn't internalize all that invalidation, if I didn't let it get to me, I could have managed a useful friendship; someone with which to barter help, valuable career advancement, and handyman services from. I just can't stomach paying the price of being devalued, treated as though I'm not fit to meet his other friends, and always blamed for my misfortunes and any problems in our relationship, in exchange for his help at a time/place/method of his choosing. I'm starting to see that there's not anything more wrong with me than anyone else, and nothing wrong with wanting more from my friendships/relationships.
This is what I’ve been wondering, are they a real person inside. They copy me and others.
Consider an egg, Polished and decorated on the surface To the point where the micro pores of the shell are covered and filled to such an extent that nothing can get in.
The self/yolk will stagnate, Never be fertilized, and the glair/ego will not be absorbed.
Usually due to a Childhood trauma that created a hard and seemingly impervious persona/outer shell.
Just watched Series RIPLEY.
LOTS OF gaslighting and Narky narcs
I really enjoyed this series! Although he is not a particularly attractive narcissist is he? His main victim wasn’t so much entrapped by him, as offered to him by unsuspecting parents.
Powerful for me. Thank you, sir!
Thank you!
Thank you Dear Sam Vaknin❤
Your lessons made a lot clearer for me regarding my childhood.
Geeeez, Thank You for sharing a succinct explanation Professor Vaknin😍
Thank you doctor for this explanation of outer and inner victims. Resonates a lot!❤️
Thankyou for this clarification ✨
Thank you very much for your videos sam. What you are doing is courageous and helpfull.
Thank you so much for this helpful work.
Thank you. Validating
Thank you.
Thank you for your clarity 🙏
Exactly, where I am right now!
So spot on, Sam.
Thank you so much for the work that you're doing for humanity, your legacy will help millions and millions around the world for generations to come. No one does it like you, Sam. 💜 I love when your videos synchronize with doubts that I'm having in real time, and then you answer me, clears my mind, feels like talking to God himself for the first time, I thought you would like to know that. 😆
Damn. And flying monkeys had the nerve to point fingers at me and call me a covert narcissist when I was on my knees trying to comprehend why people I loved thought of and treated me like I wasn't worthy of oxygen.
very helpful. thank you
Thanks!
Thank you
❤❤❤ this!!!
Bravo 👏👏👏
This is also worth a watch
Also a few days ago I realised I felt worthless at my core. 🤕☠️😳
I am amazed at your lack of wrinckles - avez vous un portrait dans un placard 😂 ?
Professor, ever thought about analyzing movie characters through a psychological lens on your channel? Your insights would be fascinating! I'd love to see your take on 'Phantom Thread' by P.T. Anderson as a starting point.
Thank you!
Watch the short fiction playlist.
@@samvaknin Thank you for directing me to your playlist, Professor.
Of course, I've not only visited it but it was what inspired me to reach out with this idea.
While this playlist is an absolute hit, what I had in mind was something more focused on a regular (once a month or a week or so) analysis of those influential and trendy characters from movies, particularly those whose personas willingly or otherwise romanticize mental disorders, affecting the society, especially the younger generations. With a latest example of such a character being Arthur Fleck, portrayed brilliantly by Joaquin Phoenix in 'Joker.'
Exploring the psychological/mental struggle of these characters and the potential consequences of idolizing/adopting their internal structure and the behaviors could be both insightful and cautionary for your audience.
I believe this kind of a playlist could also attract a segment of viewers who may not initially be interested in psychology. And while expanding your audience may not be your primary goal, the discovery of your channel could be quite beneficial for them.
I believe they will be happy to watch and listen. It will only take to tag a movie title.
Thank you once again.
Since narcissists interact with an internal snapshot of people and the complaints of abuse are external, how is this resolved? Is the snapshot unaffected?
It is [art of the formation of the persecutory object. Watch the shared fantasy playlist.
@@samvaknin thank you Sam
will a narcissist go to court ordered joint co parenting and individual therapy?
Based on this, we are both victims then. We complained to each other about the exact same things. Is it possible that we are both on the scale, but just far enough to cause harm, but not far enough to be heartless? It felt to me like we opened the worst in ourselves :(. She might have lied though...
I had Pokémon cards that would now be worth 10,000 $. I sometimes wish i hadn't lost them. Idk of that's narcissistic. Hmm sounds like it.
What do you think of Albert Ellis and his system? I like him a lot.
Search the therapies playlist.
What would it look like if a narcissist underwent actual narcissistic abuse, outside of childhood? In other words, what happens when a narcissist is also a real victim, would the narcissist still have simple narcissistic grievances? Can they also be true victims? I’d argue they can, no?
They can. But then they would be mortified. Search the channel for "mortification".
@@samvaknin Thanks Professor Vaknin, Sam.
I think my mother was a narcissist, as was her mother. I do think part of the abuse/victim narrative was true (the childhood part) but as an adult, it was all made up.
True victim don't simple wake up and feel like is a " good" to be humiliated by a troll/bully/narcissist/psychopath to get attention. You don't see it coming when that choke hold and 2 hours drilling over an appointment the narcissist didn't wanted to attend makes your life miserable. True victims wants to know the truth as to why they enabled that situation to happen. Narcissists/psychopaths will move to next victim with no regard just like in this luckily avoided murder case: ua-cam.com/video/vA-weO9f7sc/v-deo.htmlfeature=shared
I usually agree with you. I have a legal document now. I was a pro dog groomer.
I still am however broken to a point that I can't even make any money. My life was so tackled for so long. Just in 6 years,
8 cars, 5 businesses, 6 cars, 13 shelters.
Found
out one day by accident, that it wasn't my decision to leave a Psychopath. While all the shelters - conv. NEVER mentions such a word. (thanks Google) Edu. is KEY. Like magic, recieved the rules to the game, guess what? Like a light switch I was DONE. & guess what? I LEFT. I haven't been back. However his ever so compliant victim had gone rougue, & recieved an inhertance. Oooh this pist him OFF! His smear campaign, resulted in him manipulating two counties, 100 officials. in acting in a conspiracy, kidnapping my children w/ aligations, for which I was never charged/arrested, for. YET, haven't seen kids in 5 years.
I LOST EVERYTHING! Buisness,career, income, home, car burnt. Left broke by courts destitute, homeless in the woods. Trauma = Catatonic 70% & 30% Flippent @ best. For three yrs. I was somehow able to scath by, escaping permanent brain damage. Regaining cognitive thought. After being rescued from getting caught living on someone property, where I am now. I was able to remove myself permanently, 'from being 'stuck in the wall.' While in the woods, I was 100% unaware, actually argue, w/others as to my behaviors. I was able to
Proszę, niech ktoś napisze o czym Sam w tym odcinku mówi?
cześć,Sam mówi o tym , że narcyz robi z siebie ofiarę i narzeka na utratę zewnętrznych rzeczy takich jak: pieniądze,przedmioty,reputacja itp.Sam zwraca uwagę na to, że te rzeczy są mało ważne i zawsze można je odzyskać.Natomiast prawdziwa ofiara mówi o szkodach emocjonalnych, wewnętrznych dotyczących Jaźni , której narcyz nie posiada bo jest pusty w środku.To tak mniej więcej w skrócie.
Na UA-cam jest automatyczne tłumaczenie. Poszukaj znaku na ekranie ⚙
kliknij go. Wybierz „subtitles” - angielskie. Wróć jeszcze raz i kliknij „subtitles”, a następnie wybierz automatyczne tłumaczenie na swój język. Nie jest to wcale dokładne tłumaczenie, czasami zabawne lub głupie ... ale lepsze to niż nic ;))
Very well said. I appreciate that insight. It is very clear and makes perfect sense. Helps a lot to understand my friend ❤️🩹
Thank you.